Snapshots #411: Songs About Minor Ailments

Various songs you might need to consult a doctor about... although they'll probably tell you to stop wasting their time... if you can even get past the receptionist.

15. Flatulent Camberwick Green resident and apocryphal cabin boy.  

The flatulent Camberwick Green resident would be Windy Miller. It's an urban legend though that Captain Pugwash had Roger The Cabin Boy in his crew.

Roger Miller - Lou's Got The Flu 

14. After The Funeral.

The Wake - Heartburn

13. Rebellious Jews.

Check your history books.

The Maccabees - Sore Throat

12. They do not own a copy of that George Michael single.

They are without a copy of Faith.

Faithless - Insomnia

11. Man with the News: Tickling the ivories leads to the Cure.

Huey Lewis was the man with The News. Robert Smith has The Cure.

Huey 'Piano' Smith - Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Flu Pt. 1

10. I've a mind to let this group make my decisions for me.

A Hive Mind?

The Hives - Constipation

9. ET's friend in a box likes to take long walks with Blind Boy Grunt.

ET's friend was Elliot. Jack in a box. Long walks would be rambling. Blind Boy Grunt was another alias of Robert Zimmerman.

Ramblin' Jack Elliott & Bob Dylan - Acne

8. The entirety & the whole shebang.

Everything Everything - Cough Cough

7. Sue Pollard and tough guy Marvin.

Sue Pollard was Peggy. Lee Marvin was the tough guy.

Peggy Lee - Fever

6. "I'm listening" to the catchiest part of the song.

"I'm listening," was the catchphrase of Dr. Frazier Crane. The catchiest part of the song is usually the chorus.

Frazier Chorus - Born With A Headache 

5. Sodding Teri has me all over the place.

"Sodding Teri" was an anagram.

Otis Redding - I'm Sick Y'All

4. Goes with Delaney & The Creator.

Delaney & Bonnie... Tyler The Creator.

Bonnie Tyler - It's A Heartache

3. A bumpy journey through space.

Cosmic Rough Riders - The Pain Inside

2. Two thousand.

CC are the Roman Numerals for 200. Multiply that by 10.

10cc - You've Got A Cold

At a pinch, you might have had...

Graham Gouldman - Sunburn

1.Found inside notorious dynamos.

NoTORIous dynAMOS.

Tori Amos - Caught A Light Sneeze

Get well soon - hopefully you'll be back to full health by next Saturday, in time for more of this nonsense.

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #113: Daddy's Speeding

"I am not a blogger - I am a free man!"

I must apologise for being largely absent from the blogosphere over the summer, beyond Snapshots and Namesakes. I've been busy, and even now that I'm back in the normal routine, I'm not sure I have the energy. Bit of an existential blogging crisis. We have them from time to time, don't we? 

Last week, we were in Wales, where I received my first speeding ticket in 34 years of driving. This was for going 26 mph in a 20 zone that appeared out of nowhere (the road went from 60mph to 20mph on a country lane with no buildings or pedestrians, just fields on either side of the road). It seems that the Welsh police are out to raise as much money as possible from unsuspecting incomers... but I'm not sure what this will do to the tourism economy. I doubt I'll be speeding to get back there any time soon. 

Did have a nice visit to Portmeirion though...  

Normal service may or may not be resumed, but in the meantime, here's a few songs about speed...

Suede - Daddy's Speeding

Alabama 3 - Speed of the Sound of Loneliness

Bran Van 3000 - Speed

V2 - Speed Freak

Autograph - Built For Speed

Jason Isbell - Speed Trap Town

Neverending Top Ten #5.8: Pride

Sam had an excellent report at Parents' Evening. He's doing really well in school. He's also really good at sport and regularly scores goals in his football games.

Yet I've rarely been more proud of him than when he heard Air Supply singing Making Love Out Of Nothing At All on the car stereo and said to me, "this sounds like a Meat Loaf song, daddy".

Making Love... was written by Jim Steinman for inclusion on Meat Loaf's third album, Midnight At The Lost And Found. However, the record company refused to pay Jim's going rate, so the songs ended up going to other people. Meat would later record a lot of the tunes Steinman gave to other artists, but sadly never did a version of this one. It remains the best Meat Loaf song that Meat Loaf never sang. Bonnie Tyler did a pretty epic version though, which gives us some clue as to how it might have sounded on a Meat album. The original Steinman demo, with vocals by Rory Dodds, is also worth a listen, for completists.

As for Air Supply... well, their version sounds a bit beefier than their usual melodic soft rock fare. Probably because it's got two E Streeters, Roy Bittan (keyboards) and Max Weinberg (drums) on backing... not to mention a guitar solo from Rick Derringer, formerly of The McCoys, and a frequent collaborator with both Edgar and Johnny Winter. In 1983, Air Supply were held off the Number One position on the Billboard chart for 3 weeks by another Steinman composition some say was originally written for Meat Loaf (though Jim later denied this), Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

Sam might not know any of this just yet, but he was able to spot Jim Steinman's signature sound after only a couple of listens.

Daddy's lessons are paying off.

Conversations With Ben #14: Mr. Blobby & The Super Gonorrhea

Rol: One of my greatest musical heroes just died.

Ben: The man who wrote the Mr Blobby song?

Robert Blobbert?

Obviously.

I always imagined it was BBC interns in the Blobby suit that Edmonds played some weird fetish game with by making them wear the suit...

Who was the death?

Jim Steinman.

The Footloose guy? Wasn't that the other day?

I only saw it today. He didn't write Footloose. That was Kenny Loggins. He did write Holding Out For A Hero, but that's a lesser work. He also wrote all the good Meat Loaf songs, plus Total Eclipse of the Heart and some stuff that Celine Dion murdered, but was done far better by others.

Chuck Berry + Phil Spector + Springsteen + Wagner + a shameless sense of melodrama and hyperbole = Jim Steinman.

Wagner as in...?

Or Wagner as in...?

Richard.

Seems like it could be a little of both, actually.

I think that's a fair point.

Did I ever tell you about how one of my old best mate's girlfriend's parents were Rod Stewart and Tina Turner tribute acts? Big ones.

They had a house in Penistone. One of the massive ones on the river.

We used to stay over a lot. They were really nice and loved hosting us all the time. They had a recording studio in their garden where they, and other tribute acts would record. 

One of the most surreal moments in my life is waking up, hungover, walking into their kitchen and seeing Rod Stewart, Marc Bolan and Meatloaf smoking weed.

Sounds like that Pulp video...

I don't think I've ever seen the video. I thought it was the video to Disney Time. No idea why.

And now I remember that Disney Time is on Cocker's solo album.

I'd forgotten that track completely.

Some forgettable tunes on that album. Especially when it starts with the swagger of Don't Let Him Waste Your Time. It definitely trails off.

Maybe. I love that final Pulp album though.

It's the one I've listened to the least. Listening priority in order: This Is Hardcore, His N Hers, Different Class, PULP. Does anybody even count the first two?

By Pulp do you mean Intro?

There were 4 albums before Intro / HnH. All contain interesting material, but not up to later standards.

Fairground is a terrible song and that's all I can think about with their old stuff.

Separations is the best of the early albums. Countdown, My Legendary Girlfriend in particular.

For me, We Love Life is the perfect coda to their career. I love TIH (favourite album of 90s) but I prefer that they went out on a happy note.

Scott Walker too. Pop sensibilities SW, not mad old hermit making unlistenable twaddle SW. Quite an achievement.

First text from the boss this morning came through at 6.20.

Tell her to leave you alone. That is not just not on, it's absolutely pathetic.

I have.

Send her an envelope full of flour. Make her think it's ricin or anthrax.

She'd only ring me up and ask her what I thought she should do with it.

Well, this week's Taskmaster should hopefully cheer you up. A very funny one.

One word.

Casserole.

I await the vague upward curl at the edge of my mouth.

In reply, Ben sends the following video...

I think that's the least hip song you've ever sent me. I respect that.

No. That would be this one...

I found this record in a shop years ago. And I'm still not positive that Tennille is not actually attracted to muskrats.

Nah. Captain & Tennille are acceptable kitsch.

That song should never be acceptable. And The Cap is a prick.

*Was* a prick

I didn't realise you knew him.

We used to go to the same milk bar.

I've never been able to hear Secret Smile in the same way since someone told me it was a metaphor for a vagina.

That's uncomfortable.

Maybe you're mixing it up with the film, Teeth?

Was that the Barry Gibb biopic?

That's what I thought I was settling down for...

That film would have been even scarier if her nether regions had Barry Gibb's face. And maybe a big medallion and huge white collars.

That needs to be optioned as soon as possible.

My Saturday night treat this week is my Covid jab.

Well, you're lucky. I'm still here without one.

Just got down to the under 50s. But I thought you might have been fast tracked because of your history.

Nah. That'd involve competence at a national level.

Maybe they have you down as an insurgent. You'll be last on the list, after Putin's undercover agents.

On a more positive side of all that, last year this week I was sat gasping for breath walking up stairs. Today I ran 10k for the first time in my life.

Marathon next?

I think I'm going to try for a half marathon next year. Maybe Manchester, which is flat compared to Sheffield.

Rol replies with the following image... which Ben chooses to ignore.

I wish I could grow a 'tache like that man in the background.

I have a weird obsession with middle age men and moustaches.

My hair is too blonde otherwise I would definitely just have a 'tache.

Has to be like an 80s businessman 'tache, though.

When I was a child, I used to watch the Thin Blue Line. I was too young to understand it but it had Mr Bean and I liked the moustache man.

That's a real generation gap thing. For my generation, Mr Bean was a betrayal of Blackadder, and we never forgave Atkinson.

My early years were spent watching the Three Stooges, Tom and Jerry, Looney Tunes etc, so Mr Bean was right up my alley. As was Baldy Man.

I had to Google Baldy Man. Never knew he had a TV show. I only remember the Hamlet ad.

I don't remember much of it, just that I used to find it hilarious.

I miss the Hamlet ads. When I was a little, my dad smoked cigars. I loved the smell. Eventually he graduated onto pipes. Then one day, in my late teens, the doctor told him: they're killing you. So he quit. Cold Turkey.

That's admirable.

I think I'm too young to remember smoking ads.

I feel like I've seen them but not sure how much of that is due to seeing them on shows later.

I remember the billboard ads for Lambert and Butler.

TV was pretty much all smoking ads and booze ads when I was a kid. And scary ads warning us all not to die or get murdered.

And only one channel could show ads.

Indeed.

Have you seen The Offspring's Covid inspired song? It defies belief.

I last listened to Americana.

I know the singer got his PhD in infectious disease over the past few years though.

That probably explains the covid germs flying around in the video.

Why would anyone want a PhD in infectious diseases?

Dunno. A mate of mine has.

He studies super gonnarhea.

Genuinely what it's called.

But spelt correctly.

Still. Could be worse.

Could have my job.

Or he could have super gonnarhea.

It's a toss up.

My Top Ten Jim Steinman Songs

The death of Jim Steinman will probably go without much attention to most people, but for me it's a huge hammer blow in a year that keeps on kicking me in the teeth. 

 

I've written numerous times on this blog about my adoration for Steinman's song-writing, taking the best bits of Chuck Berry, Phil Spector, Born To Run era Springsteen and Richard Wagner, setting them on fire, then adding dynamite. There was little subtlety to Jim's work, but there was plenty of drama, passion, hyperbole, sturm und drang and a savage sense of humour. He didn't just write teenage love songs, he made them into epic mythologies, complete with screeching motorbikes, angels and devils, and hearts ripped literally out of the protagonists' chests. And yet, I never got the impression he took it seriously - yes, the work itself, he took very seriously, hence the perfectionism of his arrangements and the huge rows with his collaborators. But the storytelling... there was a tongue-in-cheek quality to the melodramas he crafted that suggested Jim knew how ridiculous it all was - how ridiculous the very medium was - but that was why he adored it so much.

Putting together a Top Ten Jim Steinman Songs was, for me, an impossible task. There are so many I want to take with me to the grave. But if they bury me with headphones on and these ten tracks playing on eternal loop... I could die reasonably happy. I think Jim would appreciate that imagery.

 

10. Love & Death & An American Guitar / Wasted Youth

Not a song so much as an intense, Steinman-voiced monologue; this first appeared on Jim's only solo album, Bad For Good, originally intended for Meat Loaf, though the Loaf was having throat problems at the time. It was then re-used on Bat Out Of Hell II, still voiced by Steinman. 

 

I could recite the words to this by heart. To me, it defines the importance of rock n roll in our lives, builds the tension to a frightening climax, and then throws it all away with a stupid gag that never fails to make me smile.

9. Bad For Good

It should come as no surprise that Jim Steinman's favourite story was Peter Pan, as it deals with a group of boys who never grow up. That, to him, was what rock n roll represented - the chance to remain young forever. The title track of Steinman's solo album (later re-recorded by Meat - who was undeniably a far better singer than Jim, although I still have great affection for Steinman's own recordings) was originally written for a never-finished rock n roll musical based on the Peter Pan story. It's a classic example of Steinman's way of piling image on image, metaphor on metaphor, repeating and building long after other songwriters would have cut back to the chorus. That very excess was what I loved about Jim.

The sea is whipping the sky

The sky is whipping the sea

You can hide away forever from the storm

But you'll never hide away from me

The icy cold will cut us like a knife in the dark

And we may lose everything in the wind

But the Northern Lights are burning

And they're giving off sparks

I want to wrap myself around you like a winter skin

8. Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are

I read a review that described this song as "a melancholic middle-aged man reminiscing about his youth".

'Nuff said.

7. Rock n Roll Dreams Come Through

Another song close to the heart of this blog. Look at the Springsteen quote at the top of the page, then compare it to this...

Think of how we'd lay down together

We'd be listening to the radio so loud and so strong.

Every golden nugget coming like a gift of the gods.

Someone must have blessed us when he gave us those songs

Another song from the ill-fated solo album, later re-recorded (and, in this case, bettered) by Meat. It also contains the quintessential Steinman line...

You've been through the fires of hell

And I know you've got the ashes to prove it.

6. Dead Ringer For Love

In what world does Dead Ringer - arguably the ultimate rock n roll duet* - only rank at #6? Like a demonic outtake from the Grease soundtrack. Perfection.

A man he doesn't live by rock 'n roll and brew alone

5. You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)

It opens with another irresistibly OTT Steinman monologue, incorporating werewolves, blood, passion and a corny gag at the end... then it kicks into a full-blooded power ballad where teenage lust is expressed in pure hyperbole. Taking it's cue from 4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy) - another tale of teenage romance on the beach, late at night - this builds into an explosion of passion through trembling bodies, weak knees, licked lips and a kiss so powerful it steals your soul. To listen to this song is to relive full-blooded teenage lust afresh... even if you never experienced it the first time. (Clue: I never did, but Jim helped me through that.)

4. Total Eclipse Of The Heart 

Bonnie Tyler's biggest hit was originally written for Meat Loaf, but he had that bad throat year and this was another casualty. In many ways, I find it hard to believe that this was a Number One single, since it's so ridiculously over the top, I'm surprised it connected with such a large audience. Then again, look at Bohemian Rhapsody. It's a song about yearning and desperation, those are the best words I can find. And it contain another quintessentially Steinman line...

We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

(At this point, I should mention one of the other big Steinman tunes that Bonnie brought to life, another great duet with frequent Steinman collaborator and BOOH producer Todd Rundgren, Loving You's a Dirty Job but Somebody's Gotta Do It. It wasn't a hit, but damn, it should have been.)

3. Paradise By The Dashboard Light

*Above, while writing about Dead Ringer, I placed an asterisk next to the phrase "the ultimate rock n roll duet*", because... well, there's this. It is a duet, with Ellen Foley giving as good as she gets from Meat (although it's Karla DeVito in the video), but it's much more besides. The term "rock opera" gets thrown around far too liberally, but this is the real deal. Like many Steinman songs, it veers dangerously towards the ten minute mark, but there's so much going on in its three act structure, it's hard to get bored... or even catch a breath. Boy meets girl. Boy tries to get girl to go all the way. Girl says she will if he promises to love her forever. They go back and forth on this until the boy is whipped up into such a frenzy that he'd agree to anything... and then immediately wishes he hadn't. Classic Steinman twist, made even more exciting through the use of a metaphorical baseball game to symbolise the consummation.

Frankly, if you don't love this record, you don't love life.

2. Bat Out Of Hell

What is there to say about Bat Out Of Hell that hasn't already been said? (Other than why isn't it Number One?) The only thing I will say is that you should never, ever, ever listen to the radio edit. It is pure blasphemy... and also a pretty shocking edit that even I, with my crude music editing skills, could have done a better hack job on. 

No, you really need the full 9 minutes and 52 seconds to appreciate this tune in all its pomp and glory.

1. More Than You Deserve

Probably the least known track on this list, and you probably think I'm being all muso for putting it at Number One, but More Than You Deserve has long had a special place in my heart. I knew I'd written about it before, but I had to dig into the archive of my old blog to find what I wrote. Excuse the youthful exuberance...

I swear that in the future, there will come a critical reappraisal of the songwriting genius of Jim Steinman, and I will be vindicated. As with every subject Steinman tackles, this is infidelity turned up to eleven - hell, twelve! - and only the melodramatic madness of vintage Loaf could do it justice. The song begins with a simple betrayal...

From the very first moment I saw you, 

I knew our love would be so strong 

And the very first moment I kissed you, 

I knew our joy would last so long 

And then I saw you making love to my best friend, 

I didn't know whatever to say 

I saw you making love to my best friend 

So I looked him right in his eyes and I said - listen boy... 

Won't you take some more, it's what you came for 

And don't mind me, I won't throw you no curves 

Have yourself a ball with my good woman 

Won't you take some more boy, it's more than you deserve!

But of course, in Steinman world everything is always louder than everything else, and so by the end of the song things are so much worse...

Now I think I'm gonna have to leave you 

Because I'm feeling much too weak to share 

And the pie, oh it's cut in too many pieces 

The flavour that I crave is no longer there 

Then I saw you making love to two of my best friends 

I didn't know whatever to say 

I saw you making love to a group of my best friends 

So I looked them right in their eyes and I said - listen here, group! 

Won't you take some more boys, it's more than you deserve!

Nothing succeeds like excess!

 

Oh, and I'd forgotten the video too. The video is an absolute hoot...

 

 

This is the first Top Ten I've ever written without having to listen to any of the songs. So indelibly ingrained into my subconscious are they. Rest in peace, Jim, buddy.  I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell...

Guest Post Thursday #7: Top Ten Heart Songs

Another Thursday, another Guest Post. And we welcome back George, who's getting all mushy on us...

George's Top Ten Heart Songs

Rol made the huge mistake of saying I would be welcome to do another piece for his blog.

And I have chosen My Top Ten Heart songs so I could shoehorn in one of My Favourite Songs Of All Time, brought to me by Andy Kershaw many many years ago. I was thinking originally of a Top Ten Meal songs but that led to me that huge pile of old pish Breakfast In America, which would never ever be included in such a list but I had to banish that song from my mind. And instead we have this top ten. Spoiler alert: No Supertramp. Actually, that’s hardly a spoiler, but hopefully you get the point.

That’s a picture of a cow’s heart. Something I have cooked up for the dogs and cats, who could not scoff it quickly enough. When I told Talho Jorge that I was vegetarian it caused great amusement. We used to get a great slab of heart-and-lung (different butcher) which I just could not deal with. Enough of this offal talk. On with the music:

A Top Ten Heart Songs has to have this in it. Peerless. Well, almost.

1. Hank Williams - Cold Cold Heart

When he sings about the robin, it can, and indeed has, moved me to tears. He never did a better song than this.

Bonny Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart   BEHAVE yourselves.

(George just does things like that to taunt me. Total Eclipse is Jim Steinman at his immense batshit-craziest. I will post the video as evidence for the defence. - Rol.) 

2. Neil Young - Heart of Gold

This song has been ranked as the 303rd greatest song of all time, in 2010.

Again, perverse not to include, and better than the Boney M cover.

You’ve never heard that one? For your pleasure here it is, performed live!

The Isley Brothers - This Old Heart of Mine, which took me longer than I thought to find because I was thinking it was by The Four Tops…

3. The Isley Brothers - This Old Heart of Mine

(George has now redeemed himself for dissing Ms. Tyler & Mr. Steinman. That is one of my all time favourite songs, as featured here many times before. - Rol.)

I was something of  a Hendrix obsessive in my youth, amassing 26 albums by the age of 19. This is from the Royal Albert concert of 1969, on the same day as Denis Law’s 29th birthday:

4. The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Bleeding Heart

It’s amazing how clean that guitar sounds, and how all you need for a fantastic blues song are three people. No embellishments, just Hendrix playing the blues, bass and drums.

5. Calexico - Black Heart

There might be one or two people reading who don’t actually own Feast Of Wire. You really should catch yourselves on and rectify that right now. It is frequently considered The Best Album Ever Made In The Entirety of Recorded Music. That title has also been bestowed upon ABC, Rod Stewart, and The Turbines. At the momentum it belongs again to Calexico. And this song replaced a Clyde McPhatter and The Drifters song, THAT is how good it is:, it’s the slow, sweeping orchestration, the almost tortured painful vocal, it’s a glorious and dark, dark song...

It’s after this track that the realisation dawns that the entire album is something special.

6. Dwight Yoakam - Heartaches by the Number

The final track on Dwight’s best album, which would be his first one (which reminds me, some bloke’s writing a weekly piece of about second albums that are better than the first...)

7. Buddy Holly - Heartbeat

Now for some, this song might have been rather spoiled by the bloody ghastly ITV programme of a few years ago, but listen to it now, it’s a fantastic, simple love song, beautifully played and sung, 2 minutes and 7 seconds of pure pop perfection. Come on, who amongst you will not sing the “piddle dee pat” bits. And the rest of it???

8. Cream - Deserted Cities of the Heart

This song is from the completely over the top and self-indulgent double album Wheels of Fire album (one track involves an especially tedious Ginger Baker drum solo), but this a great psychedelic/rock song, showing what a great vocalist Jack Bruce was, really powerful, there’s no unending guitar noodling from Clapton, just a brief interlude, and those huge thumping drums of Ginger Baker.

I love how that song seems to begin with Jack Bruce launching into the vocal and Clapton and Baker are almost caught unawares.

9. Al Green - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

I was thinking about not including this, because the singer appeared in my previous outing here. I played it again and thought that if this is to be a Top Ten and not just Ten Songs with Heart In The Title, then it would be ridiculous to exclude it.

(Agreed. - Rol.)

It’s a tremendous song, but remarkably not his best! Another song that can move me to tears. If you don’t like this, you’ve got no heart...

(The Bee Gees do a murderously poor version of this song. Dear god, you’d have thought they’d written it!)

10. Carl Butler and Pearl - Heartaches For Lunch 

And here’s the shoehorn - I jettisoned the Top Ten Meals Songs idea for the rather easier Heart Songs just so I could include this song. Well, it has been one of my (and I suspect Charity Chic’s) Favourite Songs Of All Time since first heard 30 or so years ago. Like the Dwight song above (OK, I know that’s a cover) I can sing along, or “sing” along, to this word-perfectly. Almost word-perfectly. It’s meant to be sad but it always makes me smile, the cheery music just does not go with the sentiment of the song. Now THIS is a peerless song...

Carl Butler and Pearl - Heartaches for Lunch

Two minutes and 50 seconds of country music genius. You’ll not hear a better song today.

“I opened up my sack, and lord there it was, my baby’s goodbye note, heartaches for lunch”

“Teardrops change the flavour of things I loved once”

Where else but in country music do you get such great lines??

So, no Jayhawks (Two Hearts) which was briefly a contender. No Joy Division (very very briefly a contender, but not as strong as The Jayhawks). No Bruce Springsteen, obviously.

There might, just possibly, be something that I missed, but looking at the list the only tracks that could possibly be replaced are the Neil Young and Cream songs, the others are nailed on surefire bets for being in any Top Ten Heart Songs.

And thanks to Rol for allowing me again to pollute his pages.  

No, thank you, George. For anyone who's interested, I did a Top Ten Breakfast Menu Songs back in 2013... and promised I would include Supertramp in a future Top Ten that never materialised. One day, Supertramp fans, one day.

Now I never even thought  of tackling a Top Ten Heart Songs because there are so many available options. George did nail a couple of my favourites above... but if he missed out any of yours, feel free to contribute a list of your own for a future instalment of Guest Post Thursday.  

Next week: more booze!

The United Kingdom of Song #13: The Gower Peninsula

To South Wales today, for our final entry in the United Kingdom of Song this year. The first place in the country to be designated as an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, way back in 1956. It looks pretty damned beautiful to me.

Bonnie Tyler was born a few miles away in the village of Skewen, but now lives right on the edge of Gower in the charmingly-named coastal town of Mumbles.

Lyrically, I could only find one mention of the Gower Peninsula in song, but as it comes from a favourite of mine, one is all I needed. Here's the amazing Richard Thompson (watch those fingers on that guitar!) with the tale of a lost love he just couldn't keep hold of...

We was camping down the Gower one time

The work was pretty good

She thought we shouldn't wait for frost

And I thought maybe we should

We were drinking more in those days

And tempers reached a pitch

Like a fool I let her run

With the rambling itch

Last I hear she's sleeping out

Back on Derby beat

White Horse in her hip pocket

And a wolfhound at her feet

The United Kingdom of Song will return in 2019...

Saturday Snapshots #7 - The Answers

Well, I think I actually won a couple this week. There were some stinkers though, so congrats for getting the ones you did...

As usual, I highly recommend giving the songs a listen if you don't know them. They're chosen because they're good ones!



10. Hatless, eyeless Mitchell, could be a Beach Boy... insists on keeping the central heating off.

Yes, as Lynchie points out, it does look a bit like "the late, great John Martyn after he's had a long weekend on the booze" (most weekends, then?) but it's not...

Hatless = Hats off... to Larry

Eyeless Mitchell = Joni without the i (well done, C)

Beach Boys = Wilson

Keeping the central heating on...?

Charity Chic got there in the end (with a little help from C), as I knew he would.

Larry Jon Wilson - Melt Not My Igloo

9. A future resident of Monaco shares Bond's Martini.

Alyson got up extra early to be first to spot this youngster... surely she couldn't possibly remember him when he looked like this?

Monaco = (Princess) Grace-land

Bond's Martini = shaken, not stirred

Elvis Presley - All Shook Up

8. Pretty good at bathroom renovation; will also clean up if she fancies you enough.

Took you a while, and caused much debate over what she was wearing...

Pretty = Bonnie

For your bathroom renovation, I'd recommend a good Tyler

Will clean up...?

Bonnie Tyler - Loving You's A Dirty Job, But Somebody's Got To Do It

The Swede & Alyson tag-teamed this one.

7. Twiddly diddly dee (generic version) have a slow teacher.

Gave Lynchie no problems at all - though CC was kicking himself.

Twiddly diddly dee = Rocking Robin, a more generic version woud be a Rockingbird

A slow teacher would have you Gradually Learning

The Rockingbirds - Gradually Learning

6. Holy Sidekicks, Batman - Gonzales was a mouse!

The one nobody got, which is a shame... but hardly surprising. The clues were pretty easy if you knew the band / track. But not many people do. More on that tomorrow...

Speedy - Boy Wonder

5. Liberal philosophy on the John: it's only a crowded house, geezer.

Big expert on liberal philosophers, me. Apparently, there's one called John Rawls.

The John is also what some people call a Loo.

Crowded House sang It's Only Natural.

A geezer is another name for a man.

Lou Rawls - A Natural Man

Lynchie was first to get Lou; nobody got the song.

4. Scissor Sisters' girl goes off road while eating too many chocolate bars.

The Swede swooped in to take this one.

The Scissor Sisters sang Laura.

If you go off the road, you might veer...

A popular chocolate bar in the UK is a Galaxy.

Laura Viers - Galaxies

3. Herbie & Hutch: THE HORROR!

I thought I was going to beat you with this one until The Swede dug deep...

Herbie was The Love Bug

Hutch was partnred with Starsky

The Amityville Horror was a favourite book and film when I was a teenager.

Lovebug Starski - Amityville (House On The Hill)

2. You've got zero chance of getting off without suffocating.

(Your first guess will probably be wrong.)

I knew this wouldn't trouble Alyson... though it took a while to get to the right song.

If you were suffocating, there might be a problem with your Air Supply.

Getting off is another way of saying "Making Love".

Zero = Nothing

Air Supply - Making Love Out Of Nothing At All

Second Steinman song of the week!

1. Jenny Agutter inspires a Schubert opera.

Took The Swede about five seconds...

The Lilac Time is the British name of Das Dreimäderlhaus, a Schubert light opera.


In the Railway Children, Jenny Agutter waved at trains.

The Lilac Time - The Girl Who Waves At Trains

My Top Ten Louise Songs

Today isn't New Year's Day here at Top Ten Towers. It's a very special birthday for a very special person. And in celebration... here's ten songs that mention her name...


10. Jona Lewie - Louise (We Get It Right)

See, Jona didn't just stop the cavalry and spend all his time in the kitchen at parties. He was also a whiz on a pair of rollerskates. And, judging from his vocals in the chorus, he was also occasionally possessed by Beelzebub.

9. Bonnie Tyler - Louise

Ah, yes, our Bonnie - a voice that could sink a thousand battleships... as this video ably demonstrates. This isn't her finest hour (it wasn't written by Jim Steinman), but it did knock Neil Diamond - Hey Louise out of my countdown, so you may be grateful for that.

8. Joni Mitchell - Cherokee Louise

Classic Joni storytelling, though the subject matter's a little grim for a birthday party.

7. Ryan Adams - Thank You, Louise

As is this one from Ryan. Lovely song - but really, you guys know how to kill a mood, don't you?

6. Dean Martin - Louise

Now this is more like it!

Every little breeze seems to whisper 'Louise'...

At last, one I feel comfortable dedicating to my special lady...

5. Grandaddy - Jeez, Louise

Jason Lytle falls foul of Louise's mother - she always hated him. Fortunately not something I have to worry about as my "mother-in-law" (the law never really got involved) is lovely.

4. Scott Walker - Big Louise

Nobody does heartbreak and loneliness like Big Scott.

3. Orange Juice - Louise Louise

Back to the 80s for my Top Three, kicking off with Edwyn Collins and an appropriate birthday wish...

Have a wonderful birthday, dear
Such a wonderful birthday, dear
It only comes but once a year
I'll spoil your party with a punky sneer

And I promise, I will try not to do that.

2. The Human League - Louise

Phil Oakey rides around on a barge, singing into a remote control, bemoaning the loss of Louise. Why did she leave him? The clue's in the mullet, Phil. (I should talk - you should see my hair at the moment.)

This is the best song in my collection with Louise in the title. So why isn't it Number One...?

1. Lloyd Cole - Perfect Skin

I choose my friends only far too well...

Ha - got you! I never said it had to have Louise in the title. (See also Visions of Johanna by Bob Dylan.) Here's one of Lloyd's finest, and the line "academia blues" seems a pretty accurate description for his songwriting in general. It's about the girl with "cheekbones like geometry and eyes like sin". A lethal combination, but at least she keeps up to date by reading Cosmo. This is a song of contradictions...

Up eight flights of stairs to her basement flat
Pretty confused huh?

But if you're looking for a moral... strikes me there never has been one.





Thank you for everything, Lou. I love you, hon'. Have a great birthday.

My Top Ten Dirty Songs

Ten songs in need of a good wash.

If you came looking for Christina Aguilera, you'll end up disappointed. She can't even spell 'dirty'...


10. Don Henley - Dirty Laundry

Here's one I haven't listened to in 20 years. A condemnation of TV news sensationalism from Henley's debut solo album.

9. Poison - Talk Dirty To Me

Hair metal at its best. If you believe such a thing is possible.

8. Frank Zappa - Dirty Love

 If there's a dragon in your dreams, Frank's here to help... at a price.

7. AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Kinda like 118 118 for bastards.

6. The Bastard Fairies - Dirty Sexy Kill Kill

How can you not want to listen to a band called The Bastard Fairies? Especially when they sound like Amanda Palmer backed by the Eels? Get out while you still can!

Last I checked, this was even available for free download from their website.

5. The White Stripes - Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground

In which the line between Jack White and Johnny Depp blurs imperceptibly, courtesy of director Michel Gondry.

4. Lou Reed - Dirty Blvd.

 Lou takes a serious shot at his hometown. Amazing storytelling.

Give me your hungry, your tired, your poor I'll piss on 'em
That's what the Statue of Bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses
Let's club 'em to death
And get it over with and just dump 'em on the boulevard

3. The Pogues - Dirty Old Town

Written by Kirsty's dad, back in 1949, but Shane made it his own. You don't hear many opening lines better than this...

I met my girl by the gas works' wall...

2. Bonnie Tyler & Todd Rundgren - Loving You Is A Dirty Job But Somebody's Gotta Do It

Written by Jim Steinman, like all the best Bonnie Tyler songs. You could probably guess that from the length of the title and the inclusion of orchestra, 12 sticks of dynamite and kitchen sink in the score.The video is also a work of demented 80s genius... featuring Hywel Bennett in the Todd Rundgren role.

There were times when we fought like tigers
There were times we were damn good liars
There were times we extinguished every
That was burning, burning, burning up each other alive
From the heavens on down to the dives
There were times we lost it all we lost it all
There were times we lost it all we lost it all

1. Steely Dan - Dirty Work

I've been listening to this a lot lately since its appearance in my Film of 2014 (so far... but then, I have only seen two), American Hustle. However, over the last few months I've also been listening to a helluva lot more Steely Dan than I ever have before. I am officially middle-aged. (I reach The Meaning of Life, The Universe & Everything this week, folks!)

So I am now at the stage in my life where I'd rather listen to a 42 year-old Steely Dan song (this, from their debut album, is as old as I am) than anything Radio 1 would ever play. These Top Tens used to contain a lot more Cool Young Indie Music and a lot less Sad Old Muso Music. I always dreaded this day... but you know what? It ain't that bad... 




Which one would you scrub up for?