Snapshots #435: Alcoholic Beverage Songs

In case you've always wanted a whiskey decanter shaped like a camera, Jeff Bezos is selling them for eighty quid.

The rest of us will have to make do with some songs about booze...

15. Thunder deity with too many Os.

THOR & GOD with extra Os...

George Thorogood - One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer

14. How do you like your jewellery, sire? Not this way, I guess.

"Jewellery, sire" was an anagram.

Jerry Lee Lewis - Jack Daniels (Old Number Seven)

13. Thankfully not The Simpsons.

Not OJ Simpson.

The O'Jays - Brandy

12. Where you'll find a holy blanket... but it sounds like it's falling apart.

Turin, sound like breaks.

Turin Brakes - Martini

11. Sounds like Spike gets Cold Feed, James.

Spike Milli(g)an and James Nesbitt.

Millican & Nesbitt - For Old Time's Sake

That is a drinking song, but I was thinking more in terms of rice wine.

10. Found amid gherkin.

"Amid gherkin" was an anagram.

Mike Harding - Ale Is Physic For Me

9. Broken poet.

Busta Rhymes - Pass the Courvoisier, Part II

8. Could be another name for #7... alternatively, 2,240 pounds.

Beth is short for Elizabeth, as is Lizzy. Or... (a) ton.

Beth Orton - Absinthe

7. Dandy Robot goes Irish.

Tin Lizzy was a robot in The Dandy who gave her name (with an Irish lilt) to these guys...

Thin Lizzy - Whiskey In The Jar

6. Bugle editor likes converted farm buildings.

The editor of the Daily Bugle was J. Jonah Jameson. 

JJ Barnes - Sweet Sherry

5. In the midst of sorcery, son turns to his Cat.

In the midst of sorcery, son... 

Matthew & Son was a song by Cat Stevens.

Cerys Matthews - Chardonnay

4. Where cactus is our friend.

Lyrics from Midnight at the...

Oasis - Champagne Supernova

...or you could have had...

Oasis - Cigarettes & Alcohol 

3. Bright Bo Peep loses more than just her flock.

"Bright Bo Peep" was an anagram.

The Big Bopper - White Lightning

2. Stygian depths.

Lager, lager, lager!

Underworld - Born Slippy (Nuxx)

1. Friend of Woodstock?

Snoopy the dog was best friends with Woodstock.

Snoop Doggy Dogg - Gin And Juice

Please drink responsibly... then join me back here next Saturday with a clear head.

My Top Ten Bickering Couple Songs (Volume 1)

Let's celebrate the bank holiday weekend with a good argument, as so many couples do.

Here are ten of the best arguing couples on record... although I had plenty more to choose from, so don't be surprised to hear a Volume 2 one day soon...


10. Ute Lemper & Neil Hannon - Split

Way, way back in the year 2000... before many of today's 16 year olds were even born... German musical actress Ute Lemper teamed up with the likes of Scott Walker, Nick Cave, Elvis Costello and the Divine Mr. Hannon for a "pop" album. This was one of the acrimonious highlights...

Neil:

I was there for you.
You were there for me...
And him,
And half of the western world it seems...

Ute: 

No, baby, that's not fair,
There were two or three...
Okay.
...At most
But I don't like to boast.

Neil:

Oh you make me sick.

9. Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty - You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly

I first heard this duet as recorded by one of my favourite bands of the noughties: The Indelicates. In fact, I'd be featuring their version here if it was on youtube: they really do make it their own. Hunt it down if you can.

In its youtube absence though, the original recording by Loretta and Conway is pretty damned cool too. Because looks ain't everything and money ain't everything...

8. Dexys - I'm Always Going To Love You / Incapable Of Love

Dexys' (minus the Midnight Runners of their youth) 2012 album One Day I'm Going To Soar is one of the greatest comeback records in the history of pop... and these two songs are undoubtedly the highlight. It all begins with a passionate fling between Kevin Rowland and new recruit Madeleine Hyland which goes awry when Kev admits he doesn't know how to love her. (Men!) After a bitter row, she chucks him out... which leads directly into the explanations and recriminations of the following track. Too-ray-aye this ain't...

7.John Prine and Iris DeMent - In Spite of Ourselves

John and Iris take turns listing their faults... but in spite of all that, they're still very much in love. Which is always nice to hear.

John: 

She don't like her eggs all runny
She thinks crossin' her legs is funny
She looks down her nose at money
She gets it on like the Easter Bunny
She's my baby, I'm her honey
I'm never gonna let her go

Iris:

He ain't got laid in a month of Sundays
I caught him once and he was sniffin' my undies
He ain't too sharp but he gets things done
Drinks his beer like it's oxygen
He's my baby
And I'm his honey
Never gonna let him go

6. Space & Cerys Matthews - The Ballad of Tom Jones

Space are unfairly remembered as another bunch of Britpop also-rans, but listen to this again and it's a thing of unique beauty that sets them on an entirely different platform from the likes of Cast, Menswear and those two idiot brothers. It's weird, yes, but never too self-consciously quirky. The lyrical detail saves it, along with the genius move of employing Cerys for guest vocals: who else could have sung, "I have never thrown my knickers at you!" with such conviction (not to mention perfectly setting up Tommy Scott's comeback, "And I don't come from Wales")?

Best thing about it? This was actually their biggest chart hit... although we probably remember them more for Me & You Vs. The World or Female of the Species. Seriously, give this one another listen and remember: this song was on radio station A-lists all across the country. That's something which would never happen today...

5. The Beautiful South - A Little Time

Paul Heaton has probably written more bickering couple songs than anyone else I can think of (see also You Keep It All In, Your Father & I, Even A Palm Tree, etc. etc.).

The beauty of A Little Time though is that on first hearing it sounds more like a traditional love duet. Heaton wisely chose not to sing this one himself, instead giving the male part to the much less sarky-sounding Dave Hemingway, while original Beautiful South femme fatale Brianna Corrigan could well be singing the Diana Ross part of Endless Love. Until you listen to the lyrics. Or watch the video...

The bitch! She killed his teddy!

4. Tom Waits & Crystal Gayle - Picking Up After You

Tom and Crystal love to have a good whinge about the state the other one leaves the house in... makes you think they deserve each other. Things do get a little personal at times though. Highlight for me is when Tom asks Crystal...

Tell me - how long have you been combing your hair with a wrench?

3. Lush & Jarvis Cocker - Ciao!

Another forgotten classic from the Britpop era in which Lush's Miki Berenyi trades barbs with Jarvis, celebrating the demise of their "relationship". Methinks they doth protest too much...

Jarvis:

'Cause I've met this girl and she's so good to me
She's really beautiful, fantastic company
 Oh, when I'm with her I realise what love can be
'Cause she's fifty times the person you will ever be  

Miki:

Good luck, mister, do you think I care?
Since you've been gone the offers have been everywhere
 I've got a million guys just lining up for me
I've turned a corner, boy, my life is ecstasy...

2. Dean Friedman & Denise Marsa - Lucky Stars

Marsa was uncredited on Friedman's biggest hit, yet she plays an essential part. It's Dean's lyrics that make this most like a real couple's argument though. The song's filled with non-sequiturs, rhetorical questions, clumsy inference, misunderstanding, sarcasm and the two of them finishing each other's sentences. You may consider it cheesy 70s MOR (sax break and all), but it's much deeper and smarter than that.

Plus, unlike a lot of the arguments on this list, this one has a happy ending...

1. Otis Redding & Carla Thomas - Tramp

Nobody bickers like Otis & Carla... there's not a wasted line in this classic. Best bicker? Without question...

Carla: Look here. You ain't got no money.

Otis: I got everything.
 
Carla: You can't buy me all those minks and sables and all that stuff I want.
 
Otis: I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, ...anything you want, Woman.

Tramp wasn't written as a duet. The original version by Lowell Fulsom is just one guy bragging about what a lover-lover man he is. The beat's been sampled by everybody from Joe Tex to Ice Cube to Prince (on 7). The song's been covered by everyone from Salt 'n' Pepa to ZZ Top to the Steve Miller Band. But no other version comes close to Carla and Otis...





What are the chances of you agreeing with any of those? Bloody zero! You'll just disagree to be awkward. I know you.

Next week: Divorce Songs.

You asked for it!

My Top Ten 'The Ballad of...' Songs

I was astounded by how many songs in my record collection are Ballads of... somebody or other. I reckon I could have stretched this to a Top 50 if I'd had the time. These were the best ballads of the bunch...



10. Georgie Fame - The Ballad Of Bonnie And Clyde

One day, I might get around to compiling a Top Ten Bonnie & Clyde Songs... amazingly, this 1967 Georgie Fame Number One might not make it to the top of that list.

9. Frank Turner - The Ballad of Me and My Friends

Friendship is a recurring theme in Frank Turner's work and he writes about it in a very open, honest and emotional way. It seems most of Frank's friends are tortured artists...

Everybody's got themselves a plan,
Everybody thinks they'll be the man, including the girls.
The musicians who lack the friends to form a band are singer-songwriters,
The rest of us are DJs or official club photographers.
And tonight I'm playing another Nambucca show,
So I'm going through my phonebook, texting everyone I know,
And I quite a few I don't, whose numbers found their way into my phone,
But they might come along anyway, you never really know.

However, while most of them might never reach their intended destination... they're definitely enjoying the journey.

We're going nowhere slowly, but we're seeing all the sights.
And we're definitely going to hell,
But we'll have all the best stories to tell.

8. The Mystery Jets - The Ballad of Emmerson Lonestar

From my favourite album of 2012... we must be about ready for a new Mystery Jets record now. Come on, lads, don't keep us waiting much longer.

7. Dr. Hook  - The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan

Or ...Lucy Jordon, as the record was originally released. This week's song about growing old... as I've said previously, I listen to a lot of those these days.

At the age of thirty-seven she realised she'd never
Ride through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing and she sat there softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she'd memorised in her daddy's easy chair.

There's a splendid cover version by Marianne Faithfull, but I still prefer Dennis Locorriere's vocals on the original.

6. Bloodhound Gang - The Ballad of Chasey Lain

I'll let you google Chasey Lain if you're unfamiliar with her ouvre... but perhaps don't do that at work. 

Juvenile in the extreme, as all the best Bloodhound Gang records are. If you're easily offended or don't have the mind of a puerile 14 year old boy, skip along to the next song.

5. The Beatles - The Ballad of John and Yoko

One of the first John Lennon solo records, in all but name. George and Ringo were both absent from the session and although Macca filled in for them on bass, drums and piano, and shared the songwriting credit with John as always, he had little else to do with the song's creation.

Denied as much airplay as other Beatles records due to its references to Jesus and crucifixion (Lennon further developing his earlier "more popular than Jesus" comparison) it still made the top spot on the UK charts, although it did prove to be their final Number One, and marked the beginning of the end for the group.

4. XTC - The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead

Andy Partridge's infamous JFK/Malcolm X/Jesus allegory about a man just too damned virtuous to survive in high office.

But he made too many enemies
Of the people who would keep us on our knees

3. Jim's Big Ego - The Ballad Of Barry Allen

One for the geek vote, this obscure American indie song is a tribute to the DC Comics hero The Flash (soon to star in his own TV show... I hope it's better than Arrow). Gets to the targic heart of the character in a way the comics long since stopped bothering.

2. Space & Cerys Matthews - The Ballad of Tom Jones

It's a credit to 1998 that a creepy, John Barry-esque tribute to the Welsh crooner, a bizarre anti-love song duet with a chorus like this...

You stopped us from killing each other
Tom Jones, Tom Jones
You'll never know but you saved our lives
Tom Jones, Tom Jones
I've never thrown my knickers at you
And I don't come from Wales

...could make number 4 in the charts. It's been years since I listened to this - blimey, I'd forgotten how good it was.

1. Todd Snider - The Ballad Of The Kingsmen

Todd Snider tells the true story of The Kingsmen, the 60s garage band responsible for the huge one hit wonder 'Louie Louie', a record that ended up being investigated by the FBI for its supposedly obscene (but really just plain unintelligible) lyrics. From there he goes on to wonder whether Marilyn Manson records were really responsible for the Columbine massacre... and why we keep blaming our failings as a society on dumb (yet ultimately harmless) pop songs. Brilliant stuff.





Those were my best ballads... but which one makes you go Aye-yi-yi-yi?