Snapshots #399: Drunk Songs (Volume 2)

Way back in December 2021, Snapshots #218 featured ten Drunk Songs. Today, I invite you to sample a few more beverages. I can't join you: I haven't had a drink since the 20th Century.

Please drink responsibly.

15. Pablo Escobar's last stand.

The War On Drugs - Wasted

14. Wild Cherry? Aha! 

Anagram!

Richard Hawley - Caned

13. Pricey set meets Suzanne in a diner. 

Alan Price Set meets Suzanne Vega in Tom's Diner.

Alan Vega - Hammered

12. Whatchu talkin' bout, Phil & Don / Luke & Matt?

Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis? And some brothers...

The Willis Brothers - Three Sheets In The Wind

11. 90s dance party at small suffixes.

A rave on ettes (ette being a suffix which means small).

The Raveonettes - Blitzed

10. White smoke, and it really changes a woman. 

"Changes a woman" was an anagram. White smoke announces a new Pope.

Shane MacGowan & The Popes - That Woman's Got Me Drinking

Look at the state he's in!

9. Rubber lips and the invisible rabbit.

Rubber lips is Mick Jagger. Harvey was the invisible rabbit.

Mick Harvey - Intoxicated Man

8. Flick a frightening switch in the Milky Way.

Galaxy featuring Phil Fearon - Dancing Tight

7. Like Mel's mate, but with a deeper voice.

Mel (Smith)'s mate was Griff Rhys (Jones). This guy is a bit more Gruff.

Gruff Rhys - People Are Pissed 

6. Randy & the Rainbows get stuck in a French room.

Randy & the Rainbows sang about Denise. A French room is la salle. 

Denise LaSalle - Under The Influence

5. On target.

The Arrows - A Touch Too Much

4. Hazy oboes: out of order.

"Hazy oboes" was an anagram. You might not know this guy, but this is one of Sam's favourite tunes at the moment. He's very popular with the young people. And actually quite listenable, unlike a lot of the stuff they dig.

Shaboozey - A Bar Song (Tipsy)

3. A mild day comes between Williams and Nick. 

Between Andy Williams and Nick Lowe, there is fair weather.

Andy Fairweather Low - Wide-Eyed & Legless

2. A Cooke, a Clark, a Fox, a Berry. 

Two Sams, two Daves.

Sam & Dave - I Can't Stand Up

1. They've got a Pedigree, like George and Andrew surrounded by sheep. 

Pedigree Chum meets baa Wham baa. Easy when you know how.

Chumbawamba - Tubthumpin'

He drinks a whiskey drink. He drinks a Vodka drink. He drinks a Lager drink. He drinks a cider drink. And he ends up pissin' the night away. Or 'issing the night away, if he's on Top of the Pops.

I'm giving you a week to sober up before the 400th edition of Snapshots.

The United Kingdom Of Song #41: Leeds

"Could life ever be sane again?"

The Leeds side streets that you slip down

I wonder to myself

The Smiths - Panic

Leeds was the first city I knew. My dad worked in Leeds when I was a kid, back in the days when getting there from Huddersfield was a much shorter journey. As I grew older, Mum used to take me to Leeds Comic Marts every other month, and when I started work, I'd often catch the train from Bradford to Leeds to spend my wage in the city's many record shops. It was later that I discovered Manchester (too big and scary for a little Yorkshire lad) and later still, Sheffield (Leeds without the pretentions). Nowadays I work in Leeds myself, or close enough, but the only reason I have to visit the city centre is the occasional gig. I don't feel as welcome there as I once did... it's all too new and shiny and ever-expanding... but then, I've never been a city boy. 

Still, I was encouraged to breath life into this old blog series after listening to the wonderful Cherry Red compilation, Where Were You: Independent Music From Leeds (1978-1989). Not only does that collection feature some of the best bands to ever call Leeds home, including The Wedding Present, The Sisters of Mercy, Cud, The Mekons and The Sinister Cleaners... but it also features quite a few songs about Leeds. Like this one!

Named after an Eddie Cochran song, Pink Peg Slax were a Leeds rockabilly band who scored quite a few sessions with John Peel and Andy Kershaw in the 80s, though they never broke through to the big time. They were also responsible for this little beauty...

Pink Peg Slax - Self Pitying Stan

Next, I want you to imagine that Grandmaster Flash grew up in Leeds, rather than on the mean streets of The Bronx. Get ready to meet...

The Legendary Len Liggins - Life In Leeds City

Mandi and Debi Laek are two sisters from Leeds whose quirky tales of life in Leeds have drawn comparisons to The Kinks, The Jam, Brian Wilson and Syd Barrett.

The Rhythm Sisters - Saturday/ Sunday Lazy Leeds Afternoons

Moving beyond the Cherry Red compilation, here are a few more Leeds-centric tunes I found in the hard drive...

The Spanish Amanda - Leeds or Karatsu

The Who - Summertime Blues (Live At Leeds)

The Parachute Men - Leeds Station

And another Leeds band... one whose most famous song is immortalised in big neon letters on the wall of Leeds theatre, The West Yorkshire Playhouse...

Eat, sleep and crap

For it to prey on your needs

Down a dark street

In backwater Leeds

Chumbawamba - Drip Drip Drip

Of course, Leeds has a darker side. Back in the 80s, it was known as the home of the Yorkshire Ripper, and one notorious football team...

Amanda Palmer - Leeds United

Lyrically, Leeds also pops up in some quite unexpected places...

She'd spent 35 pounds on one pack of ciggies

Running an errand for him indoors

Then she kept running straight down to Leeds Central

Took Intercity and left her remorse

Hue & Cry - Looking For Linda

Mark Knopfler wrote the following tune about Harry Phillips, a Leeds sculptor who never got the respect he deserved... because he wasn't from a trendy town.

He was ignored by all the trendy boys in London

Yes, and in Leeds

He might as well have been making toys

Or strings of beads

Dire Straits - In The Gallery

Here's a contemporary American band that 30-something hipsters like Ben are into, despite the fact that they're named after that old sitcom about growing up in the 60s. The song is all about being on tour, mostly in Leeds, but far away from home...

Last night in Leeds

Ad and I found ourselves wandering the city

Looking for pizza

All we found was complacency and somewhere to sleep

I'm still waiting for the map to say home's a week away

The Wonder Years - Hostels & Brothels

Another band getting homesick is Atlanta's The Indigo Girls...

It's dark at 4 pm in Leeds

The steeples pierce the skylight 'til the last of it bleeds

The absent sound of another day as it recedes

Into the shadows

Until it's nothing

The Indigo Girls - Leeds

Also from Georgia is the band Of Montreal. Turns out they've been to the capital of West Yorkshire too...

Eating at Welcome Breaks daily

We danced in Leeds with Brit Pop Haley

Of Montreal - My British Tour Diary

Back in the UK, Geordie folkster Richard Dawson is someone I've been listening to quite a bit lately since Michel Faber sang his praises in Listen. Here, Richard talks about missing his daughter after driving her away to University...

Waving me goodbye from the steps of her building

She  shrinks into the shudders of the rearview

Tears  begin to fall on the outskirts of Leeds

I am missing her already

Richard Dawson - Fresher's Ball

Meanwhile, Sheffield lad Jarvis Cocker suggest they're not that welcoming to outsiders in Leeds...

We came across the North Sea with our carriers on our knees

Wound up in some holding camp somewhere outside Leeds.

Because we do not care to fight, my friends - we are the weeds.

Because we got no homes they call us smelly refugees.

Pulp - Weeds

Kevin Rowland is even less of a fan...

Lord have mercy on me, keep me away from Leeds

I've been before, it's not what I'm looking for

Dexys Midnight Runners - Thankfully Not Living in Yorkshire, It Doesn't Apply

But my favourite song about Leeds is still this one, from Californian songwriter John Darnielle. It's a song dedicated to Goth God and "Leeds lad" Andrew Eldritch... although he was actually born in Cambridgeshire. Nevertheless, it always makes me smile...

 

Self-Help For Cynics #26: To A Louse

Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

Oh, would some Power the gift give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion:
What airs in dress and gait would leave us,
And even devotion!

So ends one of Robert Burns' most famous poems (well, the English translation of it anyway, which I'm sure will horrify some of you), in which Burns writes about seeing a louse crawling on a woman’s bonnet in church. At first he’s disgusted by the sight, though by the end of the poem he turns more philosophical. If we could see ourselves through other people’s eyes, he argues, we would lose all our pretensions and realise that no one person is better than anybody else…

Bettie Serveert - Hell = Other People

Nice idea, Rabbie, but many of us spend far too much time worrying about how other people see us. Welcome to FOPO – Fear of Other People’s Opinions. Here’s a for instance…

Someone I know – we’ll call him Tiberius – finds it hard to make small talk with colleagues or discuss his life outside work. He can handle more formal discussions about work-related matters in a relaxed fashion, making jokes when appropriate, and generally feels like his opinion and experience is valued in those circumstances. But when everyone starts chatting about what they did last night, what they’re doing at the weekend, what they’re watching on TV or what music they like… he clams up. If someone raises a topic he has an opinion on – say they mention a TV show he’s actually watched or a band he has some knowledge of – he’s not afraid to chip in. What he won’t do is set the agenda. He won’t mention a show nobody else has been talking about, and he certainly won’t tell them he’s been out to see Craig Finn or Lucinda Williams over the weekend. (In case you’re wondering, Tiberius goes to a lot of the same gigs I do. We don’t go together because, to be honest, I find him rather tedious company.)

Morrissey - People Are The Same Everywhere

Why won’t Tiberius tell his colleagues about the great time he had watching Craig or Lucinda? Why would he rather pretend he’s done nothing at the weekend? Why won’t he ask them if anybody’s watching the final series of Curb or if they saw Fargo Season 5 – the best one yet? Well, only Tiberius would be able to answer those questions for sure. But here are a couple of suggestions…

The Wonder Stuff - Let's Be Other People

1. Tiberius doesn’t feel that his own life would be of interest to anybody else. (There’s a huge irony here in that Tiberius spends a great deal of his time chronicling said life on a blog that very few people read – I’m not linking to it, to spare you the agony. But he does that, he claims, purely for his own mental health, and it’s a bonus if other people read it, though he really can’t understand why they would.)

Clifford T. Ward - Are You Really Interested?

2. Tiberius does not wish to be judged by his own interests or opinions. If he tells people he watches Curb, they might think he’s a sociopathic misanthropist like Larry David. And mentioning any kind of musical interest outside the mainstream is a certain way of finding yourself stereotyped or pigeon-holed, labelled and tagged. You like country music, Tiberius? Yee-haw! You like ROCK? Do… I… need… to… talk… more… slowly… so… you… understand? You like Taylor Swift too? Sad old man desperately trying to cling onto his youth by appearing hip? Bruce Springsteen? I never liked Born In The USA… too jingoistic for me. No, expressing any kind of musical preference just opens one up to stereotyping, prejudice and general all-purpose ignorance… and the last thing Tiberius wants is to get into an argument defending his tastes… because that would just make him look touchy.

Bob Marley & The Wailers - Judge Not

Why does Tiberius care what other people think? To answer that question, I turned to our old friend Mr. Google, who directed me towards psychologist Michael Gervais at The Harvard Business Review. Gervais has written a couple of articles that jumped out at me, one called How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You and one called Stop Basing Your Self-Worth on Other People’s Opinions. The first of those is a bit too Inspirational for me – it concludes by suggesting we tackle self-esteem issues by cultivating our own “personal philosophy” or mission statement… but then, this is The Harvard Business Review, and Gervais’s clients do include “world record holders, Olympians, internationally acclaimed artists and musicians, MVPs from every major sport, and Fortune 100 CEOs”… so what do you expect? (Clearly he's overcome any of his own self-esteem issues a long time ago.) 

Ian McNabb - Other People

Still, best not to consult Dr. Gervais if you're a mediocre loser like Tiberius. His article did however reiterate something we’ve discussed here before – how the monkey brain fears being ostracized by the “tribe”.

Unfortunately, FOPO is part of the human condition since we’re operating with an ancient brain. A craving for social approval made our ancestors cautious and savvy; thousands of years ago, if the responsibility for the failed hunt fell on your shoulders, your place in the tribe could be threatened. The desire to fit in and the paralyzing fear of being disliked undermine our ability to pursue the lives we want to create.

Memphis Nomads - Don't Pass Your Judgement

The second article was more enlightening, particularly when it discussed the core principles of self-worth, and how everybody judges themselves by a different yardstick. For some, academic prowess trumps everything else. For others, it’s physical appearance. It could be financial stability or sporting ability or just being a nice, caring person… we all have an internal barometer of success, and they’re all attuned to a slightly different wavelength. Which, when you think about it, makes seeing ourselves through other people’s eyes a bit of a non-starter. Someone with an athletically-attuned mindset might look at Tiberius and think, you’re getting a bit flabby, mate, isn’t it time you hit the gym? But if that doesn’t match Tiberius’s own metric… he'd rather people thought he was a good writer and a genuine human being... so what’s the point in even trying to make a comparison? 

Other people's lives
Seem more interesting
'cause they ain't mine

Modest Mouse - Other People's Lives

Gervais gets to the crux of the matter when he discusses “externalising your self-worth”, in other words, trying to conform to other people’s metrics.

Externalizing our self-worth, when it works, can yield short-term benefits. We get emotionally and chemically rewarded when we succeed. Our hypothalamus produces dopamine, often referred to as the feel-good neurotransmitter. Our self-esteem gets lifted, leaving us feeling safe, secure, and superior.

But dependency on external validation and social approval has a dark alter ego that reveals itself over time because outsourcing our self-worth undermines the basic human needs of competence, autonomy, and relatedness.

Woah. There’s quite a lot to unpack there. I fear we may have to return to Tiberius next week…

Self-Help For Cynics #15: Perfect

It's got to be perfect
It's got to be worth it, yeah
Too many people take second best
But I won't take anything less
It's got to be, yeah
Perfect

Fairground Attraction - Perfect

I hate dealing with car repairs and mechanics. I always feel like they’re going to be patronising, supercilious and out to rip me off every chance they get. Unfortunately, due to the amount of mileage I do these days, my dealings with car repair “specialists” have increased… and any such encounter I can drive away from without a hole in my pocket or a bigger hole in my ego gives me cause for cheer. Actual turn up the radio, thump the steering wheel, whoop for joy jubilation. Survived another one! Got out with my wallet and my dignity (mostly) intact!  

There were bad times when my tank was running dry
And my machine couldn't shift into its gears
And on cold days it would stall
So I almost junked it all

The Good Rats - Mr. Mechanic

In her book Don’t Feed The Monkey Mind, Jennifer Shannon identifies three “assumptions” which our stressed out amygdala loves to accentuate. Last week I talked about Fear of Uncertainty… this week: Perfectionism.

The Orchids - Striving For The Lazy Perfection

I don’t think of myself as a perfectionist. I'm too lazy. Of Dr. Shannon’s three assumptions, this was the one I'd almost ruled out from the start. Until I read the chapter and realised that perfectionism goes hand in hand with something else which I am extremely familiar with: fear of failure. The expert explains…

While others find motivation from challenge, a higher purpose, a promised prize, or simply the joy of doing the thing itself, if you are a perfectionist, your motivation is fear of failing. Your mantra is: don’t screw it up! Only when you’ve completed the social interaction or task without making any mistakes will you be able to relax.

Skinny - Failure

This explains the whoop of joy I let out on escaping the maw of the mechanic, unscathed.

This also explains why I never asked a girl out in my teens, and only really stumbled into relationships in my 20s when the green light was showing and the welcome mat was thrown at my feet.

Chad & Jeremy - Teenage Failure

As I’ve grown older, I have learned to take more risks, step outside my comfort zone, force myself to flirt with danger if the prize was really worth having. That’s how I managed to get out of my old job… but I had to be backed into a corner by the firing squad to do it.

And this is the place where failure goes
If your dreams won't die
This is where all your hopes survive
If they're not a lie
This is where all the might-have-beens
Triumph and forgive
This is where all the star-crossed loves
Have the chance to live

Rupert Holmes - The Place Where Failure Goes

Dr. Shannon continues…

Perfectionists hedge their bets, only doing things they know they’ll be good at. If you do get saddled with something you aren’t good at, you may just put it off until the last minute, where you’ll have an excuse – not enough time – to be less than perfect.

Sound familiar? Or is it just me again?

Chip Taylor - Fuck All The Perfect People

The argument goes that really successful people achieve their goals because they’re unafraid of failure. They fall off the horse... then they get back on and try again. Eventually they get where they want to be. I’ve often argued that the reason I didn’t make it as a professional writer is that I didn’t push myself enough. Every rejection letter was a kick in the teeth. Many of my contemporaries who did succeed in that field lost all their teeth but just kept growing new ones. I don’t believe they were better writers than me. They were just better at recovering from a kicking, or as Jennifer Shannon puts it…

…relatively few high achievers expect perfectionism from themselves.

Just everyday problems
Find a way of bringin' you down
But if you want it bad enough
Find a way of turning it around
You find a way of turning it around

There's one thing that'll beat failing
That's trying
If anybody tells you different
They gotta be lying

Bobby Womack - There's One Thing That Beats Failing

A former colleague (notably more successful than me in most aspects of her life, but also a major screw-up in certain areas) used to swear by a popular self-help book of the late 80s / early 90s called Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway. She adopted the book’s title as her mantra and it appeared to serve her well. Cynical moi used to pour scorn on the very notion, but the more I read about the way our brain works against us, the more I’m coming to accept the wisdom in that mantra. 

Oh baby, here comes the fear again, oh-oh
The end is near again, oh-oh
A monkey's built a house on your back
You can't get anyone to come in the sack
And here comes another panic attack, oh
Here we go again

Pulp - The Fear

One final word from the good doctor…

When we allow for some risk, we give ourselves more choices and we prepare ourselves for when things go wrong. If we deny ourselves the privilege of being wrong or failing, we’ll be unable to take the risks that are necessary for meeting our personal goals. This is why, in addition to anxiety, perfectionism is associated with depression, procrastination, addiction and low self-esteem.

Failure hurts though. It’s not just a metaphorical kicking, it can feel as painful, as brutal, as any physical assault. I remember when I was applying for my current job. There was a moment when an obstacle was placed in my way which seemed insurmountable. All the hope I’d placed in this one opportunity, this lifeline escape from the mental misery of The Bad Place… and now it looked like it was all a pipe dream. I actually collapsed on the floor like I’d been punched in the stomach. I remember sitting there in abject despair… feeling actual physical pain.

I get knocked down... but I get up again

Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

Somehow though, I managed to pick myself up and try to find a solution. I still don’t know where I found that impetus. It doesn’t come naturally. Maybe for some people, you only get it when you hit rock bottom.

Failure is always the best way to learn,

Retracing your steps until you know,

Have no fear, your wounds will heal.

Self-Help For Cynics #12: Prejudice

Some people say bowling alleys got big lanes

Some people say that bowling alleys all look the same

There's not a line that goes here

That rhymes with anything

Take the skinheads bowling - take them bowling!

Camper Van Beethoven - Take The Skinheads Bowling

Racism, sexism, homophobia, hating New Order and Audi drivers... can they all be explained by the storytelling brain?

I heard one today about the one I love

I heard one earlier that shook me up

I heard one the other day, can't believe it's true

I heard one by accident wish I hadn't

I heard one so many times, couldn't care any more

Minutemen - Stories

 
In my past two Self Help For Cynics posts, I've looked at how the brain uses stories to build neural pathways. This can be a positive thing in that it helps us learn knowledge, skills and how to survive… but it can also be negative if the stories we use to learn end up reinforcing bad habits, unpleasant ideas or defeatist emotions. Last time, I explained how a nasty teenage experience had created neural pathways in my head that made me hate New Order. However, just the act of writing about that experience has honestly lessened the animosity I feel towards a band that’s never done me any harm. 

Every time I think of you

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue

New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle

There are two explanations for this. Firstly, understanding why we think the way we do is the first step towards changing the way we think. (That’s the main reason I’m writing this series.) Secondly, you can overwrite bad neural pathways with good ones by replacing negative experiences (stories) with positive ones. Here’s another example from my terrible teens…

Chumbawamba - Homophobia
 
Was I a homophobic teenager?  
 
I grew up in the 1970s and 80s. Positive representations of gay people in the media were limited to Larry Grayson and Mr. Humphries from Are You Being Served? Camp, limp-wristed caricatures. In the pop world, we had the Village People and then Boy George. Many less stereotypically gay stars like Elton John and George Michael kept their secrets for a long time. Even Freddie Mercury – one of my teenage pop heroes – refused to confirm his sexuality, right up to the point he told us he was dying of AIDS. Tom Robinson might have proclaimed himself glad to be gay in 1978, but I certainly didn’t hear about it.

Pictures of naked young women are fun

In Titbits and Playboy, page three of The Sun

There's no nudes in Gay News, our one magazine

But they still find excuses to call it obscene

Read how disgusting we are in the press

The Telegraph, People and Sunday Express

Molesters of children, corruptors of youth

It's there in the paper, it must be the truth

Tom Robinson Band - Glad To Be Gay

 
Far worse than the clichéd media portrayal of homosexuality was the strong undercurrent of homophobia fostered by straight male society. “Backs against the wall, lads”, “shirtlifters”, “poofters”… these were phrases I heard on a weekly basis from my peers, my elders… even on TV. Add to this that the only openly gay person in my school was a bitchy viper of a boy (probably a defence mechanism, and I can hardly blame him for that)… well, you can see how my storytelling brain was busy building negative neural pathways throughout my early adolescence.

Pushed around and kicked around, always a lonely boy

You were the one that they'd talk about around town as they put you down

Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy

 
Things did start to change in the mid 80s, with more openly gay celebrities, and alternative music and comedy which celebrated LGBT culture. It was at this point when I finally started to question the prejudice I’d been a part of in my early years of high school. But it wasn’t till I started working in radio, at 16, that the stories in my brain were completely rewritten. At the radio station I worked at, there were a lot of openly gay men. And as I got to know them, I liked them. Often more than I liked some of my more hetero, alpha male type colleagues. Some became lifelong friends and so my storytelling brain was forced to write new, stronger neural pathways that cancelled out my old prejudicial ones.

Spearmint - Your New Gay Friend
 
All this just reinforces the value of positive representation in the media, in my mind at least. The anti-woke brigade rail against the fact that every TV show these days has to feature a variety of sexualities, skin colours, genders and differently-abled individuals. But only through frequent exposure to people who are not the same as ourselves will our brains stop fearing these unknown beings who are actually just like us, for good and bad. This all seems a bit obvious to me, to the point where I’m not sure I needed to write it… certainly not for the open-minded folk who read this blog. I’m preaching to the converted. 

Rufus Wainwright - Gay Messiah

Those that are harder to convert – the ones who turn off their TVs whenever they see a gay kiss, for example – maybe they’re beyond help. And there are certainly plenty of storytelling options available to them (particularly online) which feed and reinforce their own negative neural pathways. We’re a long way from a utopia.

As to the Audi drivers… I keep hoping one day I’ll have a positive experience that allows me to rewrite the neural pathway prejudice I feel towards them. They can’t all be bad…?

Snapshots #290: A Top Ten Smoking Songs

Castro your mind back 24 hours to yesterday's smoking Snapshots clues. I hope you didn't have to Fidel around too much to work them out.

I've only ever smoked about three cigarettes in my life, and each time I did, it was with the express intention of impressing a girl. And it never worked.

Caution: Cigarette Smoking May Be Hazardous to Your Health (and Self-Respect).

10. Inside the Boa Sisters.

Possibly the most obvious photo I've ever run here. The clue was academic. They haven't changed a bit. (Except to get more annoying.)

Oasis - Cigarettes & Alcohol

9. Sounds like you should send a message to Hank.

Text Williams!

Tex Williams - Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! (That Cigarette)

8. Gory sweethearts.

My Bloody Valentine - Cigarette In Your Bed

Sounds like a 70s Public Safety Film waiting to happen.

7. Crossroads handyman lays out the letters for male.

The Crossroads handyman was Benny. He's just learned how to Spell 'Man'.

Benny Spellman - Lipstick Traces (On A Cigarette)

6. Surround sound.

Dolby Surround Sound, that is.

Thomas Dolby - Close But No Cigar

5. Hounds of Love.

Dogs D'Amour - Lady Nicotine

4. They're Abba-cum-Wham.

It's an anagram!

Chumbawamba - Give the Anarchist a Cigarette

3. Almond. Soy. Coconut. COW'S.

Cow's is the LOUDER milk.

John D. Loudermilk - Tobacco Road

That's the original. You may be more familiar with the Nashville Teens version (they weren't from Nashville and were mostly in their twenties), but the clue wouldn't have been as good.

2. 11 + 4 + Half the words we speak.

The 11th letter of the alphabet is K. The 4th is D. The words we speak are language. Half of that...

kd lang - My Last Cigarette

You could also have had any of the other songs on kd's smoking-themed LP 'Drag'. Or, to be honest, I'd also have allowed this...

kd lang - Constant Craving

1. How Shakespeare might announce he's just arrived at one of the country's biggest festivals.

O! Tis' Reading! I hope it's not another mudbath this year...

Otis Redding - Cigarettes and Coffee

Saturday Snapshots will be back next week, but it will be strictly NO SMOKING.

Product Placement Friday #6: Domestos

When I was a kid, the burning bush in the corner of our living room told me that Domestos kills ALL known germs: DEAD.

Nowadays, I'm disappointed to hear that it only kills 99.9% of those pesky germs, which makes me wonder about the mutant 0.1% that has grown resistant to the power of bleach. Presumably that includes the Covid germs, which is why Donald's Trump's plan for us all to guzzle Domestos like Night Nurse never caught on.

Let's keep George happy by starting with Mark E. Smith, lucid as ever...

If you deny that strong pot or ecstasy imbibed you will end up

Eyeball injecting with Domestos or household using chemicals that contain

The Fall - Shake-Off

Chumbawamba, meanwhile, just don't like any of these big brands. Birds Eye. Oxo. Persil. Lifebuoy...

Domestos kills all known truths dead

Chumbawamba - Unilever

Butter fan John Lydon, on the other hand, won't have a word said against it...

Domestos is domestic bliss!

Public Image Ltd - Double Trouble

However, it's me old pal Jim Bob, along with his old pal Fruitbat, who kills all other contenders dead this week, with two different tracks that reference Domestos on their album 101 Damnations. First there's a full church choir...

Carter USM - The Road To Domestos

And then there's this old Rubbish...

From John O'Groats to Elmer's End

With busted lights and dodgy plates

Scrawled with a ball point pen

R U B B I S H

I'm underage and uninsured

On the High Road to Domestos

Chloraflouracarbon, Lord

Asbestos lead asbestos!

Conversations With Ben #15: It's Grim Up North

Rol: This is from a local village...

Ben: One of my supervisors lives in Hebden Bridge. I'm going to forward it to him.

Ha. It is full of wankers.

Then again, so is Holmfirth.

Well.

You moved there.

You set that one up too easy.

I live in Scholes. Proper Local Shop territory, this.

You live inside Paul Scholes?

I have no idea who that is.

He played football in the 90s. My football knowledge spans a year in the 90s to the football comic "Shoot".

And to Tony Curry. Who apparently was a good Sheffield United player because every kid who had their birthday at United's ground had Tony Curry come out at the end and sign a football.

"Ooh, kids, there's a special guest soon". Always Tony fucking Curry.

And some of the kids always lost their mind.

It's like, were you not paying attention the last six birthdays we came to here?

No joke, at my parents I have a small stack of signed Tony Curry photos.

More evidence for why you need serious drugs to help you sleep.

He doesn't live in my house.

My dad's mates with this local boxer, Kell Brooks.

He took my dad to a match in the celeb suite a few years ago.

Guess who he saw there?

Tony sodding Curry

Imagine seeing this face, every time you close your eyes.

It's not fair.

I'm glad I'm not your psychiatrist.

I've been spelling his name wrong, that's how little I know. It's Currie!

Is this the boxer?

I don't believe so.

I don't know sports.

That's Kelly Brook.

Does she box?

Well, you might end up with two black eyes if you got too close to her.

This shows how many autographs he does... There's no market for it.

Got to respect that entrepreneurial spirit.

Unless you're a Marxist.

I think they keep him alive in a cupboard, feeding him pies and pints of mild. Let him out on matchday and kids parties.

 

It's another world.

He starts getting excited when he hears the opening chords to Annie's Song.

So do I.

But he's excited for the United version.

Means he gets to have a fresh pint of mild.

Rather than the keg they keep in the cupboard with him that's stale.

Some football gits have stolen Annie's Song!? That proper fills up my senses...

Like a greasy chip buttie...

Nooooo!

I am never clicking that link.

I'm not saying it's any good, just showing that it exists.

I believe you. Just another reason to despair in the human race...

You're gonna love this song. Sums up your opinion...

Fair point. And I prefer that to the bastardisation of Annie's Song. 

I think you'll like the new Manchester Orchestra album from Telepath onwards. It settles back into the Americana again from that point on.

Albeit with syncopation.

If by syncopation, you mean drum machines...

I mean syncopation. I'd have said syncopated drum machines if I meant that.

Is it dance music?

No. Syncopation is just varied rhythms coming together.

At the same time.

Sounds bollocks to me.

Good Time Roll by the Cars is a good example of syncopation.

The rhythm is *off* the main beat.

The reason the term is synonymous with dance, and as such, electronic music outside of music theory is that it has to rely on syncopation to create that movement.

It forces a rhythm over melody. Cuban music in the 50s and 60s that's completely danceable is due to it having syncopated rhythm.

Don't make snarky comments about things then I won't have to give you a music theory lesson.

I used to play in a brass band, so I know what syncopation means in principle. I just wasn't sure how you were applying the term.

Please tell me it was a colliery band.

Were you in Brassed Off?

What was Pete Postlethwaite like?

How I spent my teenage years, before I got into radio. It was all very Brassed Off.

Were you trombone? Or a saxophone?

Or did you put your tall body to comedy effect with a cornet?

I have so many questions.

I played tenor horn. Mid size. There are no saxophones in a brass band.

You could have been a maverick.

Did you have a nickname?

Why would I have a nickname?

It endears the audience to the narrative.

Did you enter competitions?

Did you win?

We entered lots of competitions, but we were only the junior section of the main band. At first, anyway. By the end, I was in the main band.

Best thing was at Christmas, we went round all the pubs in the village and played carols to drunks.

Long before I drank myself.

I'm going to turn this into a film where you sit in front of a fire and tell people about your youth.

Channel Five, Bravo and Men and Motors are interested.

Well, I say Five. Five Star.

That'll be all I have left soon.

Men and Motors?