My Top Ten Vampire Songs

To celebrate Halloween, here's ten tunes that will drive a stake through your heart.

I had to whittle this list down somewhat: I had enough vampire songs to fill a Top 30. Apologies if your favourite didn't make the cut.

Special mentions to Vampire Weekend, Nosferatu D2 and Baron Von Rockula.

Meanwhile, if you're looking for more Halloween horror, check out My Top Ten Zombie Songs and My Top Ten Haunted Songs.


10. Future Bible Heroes - I'm A Vampire

Wonderfully kitsch glam Vampirella spoof from the twisted mind of Stephin (Magnetic Fields) Merritt.

The sun will never touch me
I abhor its filthy light
I am the mistress of the damned
And of the children of the night
I have all the love I need
It is your blood I crave
I am the bitch goddess from beyond your grave
I can turn into a bat
I can cast the evil eye
I have ever so much money
I'm gorgeous
And I can fly
I survied the Inquisition
Been a harlot
Been a queen
Survived for seven hundred years
And still look seventeen

In a similar vein (punintended), you might also enjoy I've Got A Fang by They Might Be Giants.

9. Queens of the Stone Age - The Vampyre Of Time And Memory

As close as QOTSA ever came to a ballad... although the video is terrifying! 

8. My Chemical Romance - Vampire Money

MCR do the Ramones. Hilarious.

See also Vampires Will Never Hurt You. When all around you are popping fangs - how can you keep your head?

7. Radiohead - We Suck Young Blood

One of the best post-OK Computer Radiohead songs... and let's face it, if you were casting a movie about vampire rock stars, Thom Yorke would be your first call. After Robert Smith and Andrew Eldritch. And Nick Cave. And Cher.

6. The Sleepy Jackson - Vampire Racecourse

See, this is when I start to realise how fast time goes by. It only seems like yesterday I was buying the debut album by Aussie band The Sleepy Jackson on the strength of this single... turns out it was eleven years ago. I wish I was immortal...

(No idea what this song is about or why the vampires are racing... but it's cool.)

5. Concrete Blonde - Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)

Creepy southern gothic, perfect for Halloween. Johnette Napolitano could be the voice of Vampirella: The Musical. If they ever made Vampirella: The Musical. They really ought to. 

4. Neil Young - Vampire Blues

I don't claim to be the smartest guy on the internet... but I reckon this just might be Neil having a dig at the oil industry. See kids, metaphors are ace.

3. Arctic Monkeys - Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong, But...

And speaking of metaphors... here's Alex Turner taking pot shots at the music industry. This could well have sneaked into my Top Ten Songs About Record Companies, but I thought I'd save it for now instead.

2. The Birthday Party - Release The Bats

My baby is alright
She doesn't mind a bit of dirt
She says 'horror vampire bat bite'
She says 'horror vampire
How I wish those bats would bite'
Whooah bite! bite!

I'm glad Nick Cave calmed down a bit with age. If he'd kept up this level of intensity, he'd have been dead long ago.

1. Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi's Dead

If vampires are the ultimate in gothic horror, you don't get much gothier than this. Even Christopher Lee's scared of this bunch. Great song... all nine and a half freaky-deaky minutes of it. 




Those got my vampiric votes... but which one makes you rise from the grave?

My Top Ten 'How To...' Songs

Pop bands, eh? They're an endless source of wisdom for those of us struggling to negotiate the perilous rapids of L-I-F-E. If they weren't writing hit (and non-hit) songs, they'd be writing self-help books. Here's a sampling of the 'How To...' advice I've received throughout my listening years...


10. Everclear - How To Win Friends & Influence People

I love Everclear, but really...

It's a beautiful day, yeah
If you look up in the air, you can see the sky
It's a beautiful day, yeah
If you stare at the sun, you would burn your eyes

 It's hardly Dale Carnegie, is it?

9. The Fray - How To Save A Life

One of those big, earnest piano-rock ballads that could be Coldplay... but isn't, so we can just about cope with it. Can't we?

8. Future Bible Heroes - How To Get Laid In Japanese 

Good old Stephin Merrit, translating his chat-up best lines into Japanese so we don't have to. Not that I'd pay him much attention: his success rate can't be that good, based on this song from his other band, The Magnetic Fields.

7. ABC - How To Be A Millionaire

Of all the advice offered in this list, this could definitely be the most important. Unfortunately, Martin Fry has little in the way of answers.

6. Luke Haines - How To Hate The Working Classes

Dressed like that you're gonna get roughed up
You're like a benefit scrounger in a fun pub
I'll meet you on the corner of Amherst Road
Let's start a party of our own

 Don't worry, Luke hates the middle and upper classes just as much.

5. Band of Horses - How To Live

From their brand new album, Mirage Rock, the Horsemen show us how to write another beautiful slab of harmonic Americana. And they make it look so easy.

4. The Pernice Brothers - How To Live Alone

Surviving isn't enough for Joe Pernice. This longtime Smiths fan is struggling to find a way to get through all on his own-some.

Keep a foot out of the blacker end
Keep away the crush of years
But we prayed too hard and everything was ordinary
A life without the bitterness of years

3. The Melting Ice-Caps - How To Appear Well-Adjusted

Have a shower every day of the week

and look as if you mean it.

Gentlemen should keep their stubble short

and so should ladies.

Take the papers given out in the street;

sit yourself on the bus.

Turn the pages like the words hold any meaning.

Smile and say hello to all your colleagues,

sometimes stop to talk.

Steer the conversation clear of dangerous topics.

Count to ten before you send that email

or post an angry blog,

and if it’s already gone, be prepared to grovel.

That’s how to seem as if you’re a normal person,

how to look all right,

how to seem convincing and well-adjusted.

We are the experts, so we ought to know.

2. Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely

Something we all must feel like doing every now and then, Thom Yorke more than most. 

1. Elvis Costello - How To Be Dumb

The album Mighty Like A Rose contains some of my favourite Costello lyrics. The only advice he has to offer in this song though is How To Be A Misanthrope. And who needs any help with that?

Now you're masquerading as pale powdered genius
Whose ever bad intention has been purged
You could've walked out any time you wanted but 
Face it, you didn't have the courage
I guess that makes you a full time hypocrite 
Or some kind of twisted dilettante
Funny though, people don't usually get so ugly 
Till they think they know what they want
Scratch your own head stupid
Count up to three
Roll over on your back
Repeat after me

Don't you know how to be dumb?
Are you ready to take your place in the modern museum of mistakes?
Don't you know how to be dumb?
Like a building thrown up overnight in one of those reverse earthquakes.

My advice to you: leave a comment now.