Snapshots #347: A Top Ten Tree Tunes

Ten tunes named after different types of trees. Did any remain a mys-tree?

10. French Maid caught in defensive dealings.

Joan was the Maid of Orleans. I'm unsure as to whether she ever traded her armour.

Joan Armatrading - Willow

9. Marconi holds it up, like Rod.

Marconi made the radio. Rod Argent told you to Hold Your Head Up.

Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

8. To the point, in an apple meadow.

To be frank, he's in an i-field.

Frank Ifield - Angry At The Big Oak Tree

7. They're so blue.

If you'd asked me before I wrote this clue, I'd have said indigo was more purple than blue. Iffypedia tells me otherwise...

Indigo Girls - Cedar Tree

6. Heard on the Kid Jenson Show, and found in Dalek Management Journals. 

Heard on the Kid Jenson Show, and found in Dalek Management Journals. 

Jens Lekman - Maple Leaves

Or you could have...

Jens Lekman - The Cherry Trees Are Still In Blossom

5. Wish You Were Here, on the Wear?

Judith Chalmers presented Wish You Were Here? I'm not sure if she ever got to Durham...

Judith Durham - Olive Tree

4. He does everything he can.

That's a line from the song he was named after...

Dr. Robert - Sycamore Tree

3. Royalty for fences, now banned in the UK.

I only just discovered that creosote had been banned. Another icon of my youth banished. What next, asbestos?

King Creosote - I'm Up A Plum Tree 

2. Junior nags.

Foals are young horses. But you knew that.

Foals - Birch Tree

1. Discovered in Indiana, and within the Crossroads Motel. 

Indiana, and within the Crossroads Motel. 

Diana Ross - Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You're Going To?)

There were plenty more I could have gone with, some of which were a bit too obvious for you clever clogs...

Tony Orlando & Dawn - Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree

Glenn Miller - Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree

Fools Garden - Lemon Tree

The Black Crowes - Cypress Tree

Nick Cave - Lime Tree Arbour

Van Morrison - Redwood Tree

More Snapshots next Saturday.

TV On The Radio #22: Mr Bates Vs The Post Office

I was largely unaware of the story of Alan Bates and his fight to clear the names and reputations of hundreds of Post Office employees. The recent TV dramatisation starring Toby Jones came as quite the eye-opener... and I'm still reeling. It's the sort of story that proves reality can be far scarier than fiction. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't believe it. Surely there must have been...? Why didn't...? What sort of people...?  How could they...? 

Words fail me. 

Here are some songs that feature the Post Office. The warm and welcoming local high street institution that we all grew up with... not the evil, autonomous Mega-Corporation that took it over.

Robert Arthur "Tut" Taylor Sr. was a champion and preserver of old time bluegrass music who once sold a Hank Williams guitar to Neil Young. Here he reminds us of a Post Office to be proud of...

Buccaneer is from Jamaica, but his real name is Andrew Bradford. He was stuck in the Post Office back in 1994.

Buccaneer - Post Office

But here's a young man who still has a nice word about the Post Office, from just last year...

Mark Diamond - Post Office

Eminem's obsessive stalker, Stan, was aware of problems at the Post Office back in 2000 - but who'd listen to that nutter?

I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em

There probably was a problem at the Post Office or somethin'

Eminem - Stan

Bob Dylan also suspected something was afoot...

And I would send a message

To find out if she's talked

But the Post Office has been stolen

And the mailbox is locked

Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again

Of course, it's not the first time the Post Office has been accused of being involved in dubious practices. Look how they helped Waldo Jeffers!

By Friday afternoon, Waldo was set

He was thoroughly packed and the Post Office 

Had agreed to pick him up at three o'clock

Velvet Underground - The Gift

Meanwhile, Donald Glover puts his finger on the real problem - it's the Horizon software!

But no love for the son of a commuter who was a radio head

And okay at them computers at the post office

Childish Gambino - Hold You Down

Whereas Joel Plaskett is just so wrapped up in his own life, he's oblivious to this extraordinary scandal...

I was at the Post Office buying a stamp

Thinking that the girl behind the counter was "fine"

I said, "You think this'll get there by Friday, ma'am?"

She says, "I get off work at quarter past nine"

To be fair to Joel, he does at least appear aware of the IT issues...

Baby, if you wanna be

Out of the ordinary

You don't need technology!

The Joel Plaskett Emergency - Extraordinary

How many people lost their jobs as a result of this travesty? Hundreds? Thousands? Here's one right now...

I used to work at the Post Office...

Frank Zappa - You Are What You Is

And what about former Post Office boss (and former CBE) Paula Vennels? Any thoughts on her?

She worked in my Post Office

In my zip code, in my postal area

I don't think I should reveal her name...

Jens Lekman - Psychogirl

With all these accusations of wrong-doing to be found in popular song, how do the Post Office respond? With flat-out denials... Nothing Ever Happens!

Post office clerks put up signs saying 'position closed'

Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

And with so many documents pertaining to this enquiry conveniently lost, who knows what else they lost?

...the mailbox that contained the letter 

That was lost by the Post Office for 40 years

Happenin' to have been written by Albert Einstein

Pere Ubu - Postman Drove a Caddy

Lots of people believe the Post Office used to be the heart of the community...

A Catholic church, a Baptist church

Come Monday morning everyone got back to work

Post office and a bank where they knew my name

Smile and a thanks with my receipt and change

Norman Rockwell couldn't paint it any better

I thought this place would stay the same forever

Laura Cantrell - I'm Gonna Miss This Town

But in recent years, so many have been forced to close down...

Last year, they closed down the post office

Took the only flag we had in town

That old brick building still stands like a cenotaph

To a vision lost and buried in a very distant past

Cowboy Junkies - The Last Spike

I'll tell you, all this has proved most upsetting to one of our greatest punk icons...

I'm searching for your beat

Black sister, stony beat

Post office freaks her out

Shock to me, come on out

Thurston Moore - Patti Smith Math Scratch

As soon as I started thinking about songs featuring the Post Office, two sprang immediately to mind. The first is just a mondegreen though. Still, if Michael really was singing...

Keep on to the Post Office

Don't stop till you get enough

...then there wouldn't be a better song to support Alan Bates's 20+ year fight.

Michael Jackson - Don’t Stop 'Til You Get Enough

At the front of my queue though, it was always going to be this little number from The Courteeners...

What took you so long?

Was there a queue at the post office?

Yep. A queue of rightfully aggrieved postmasters still waiting for their compensation...

Celebrity Jukebox #71: Burt Bacharach

What the world needs now is another tribute to one of the most important musicians of the 20th Century. From his peerless work with lyricist Hal David to later collaborations with Carole Bayer Sager, Neil Diamond and Elvis Costello, Burt Bacharach created an unparalleled songbook of timeless classics. What can I say that hasn't already been said by far more erudite folk than me?

How about sitting back and listening to a few tributes from the Celebrity Jukebox? And who better to start with than... The Quo?!?

Hardly going to beat that, am I?

Maybe not, but I was pleased to find that a number of my favourite artists happily name dropped Burt B. in their lyrics. For example...

Aimee Mann - It Takes All Kinds

I would like to keep this vision
Of you intact,
When we'd hang around and listen
To Bacharach
And you loved the world you lived in
And it loved you back

Thea Gilmore - Saviours And All

It's closing time
And the drunks sing some stray lines of Bacharach
It's too late now to even out the score
You drain the glass and raise your hand for more
So I'll take cover while you just take the floor

Jens Lekman - If You Ever Need a Stranger (To Sing at Your Wedding)

If you ever need a stranger
To sing at your wedding
A last minute choice then I am your man
I know every song, you name it
By Bacharach or David
Every stupid love song that's ever touched your heart
Every power ballad that's ever climbed the charts

Weezer - Do You Wanna Get High?

Do you wanna get high?
It's like we're falling in love
We can listen to Bacharach
And stop at any point

They Might Be Giants - You Culture Killed My Dog

Bacharach and David
Used to write his favourite songs
Never, never, never would he worry
He'd run and fetch the ball

Cracker - Shine

You'll be a Russian acrobat
You'll be like Burt Bacharach
You come to the party, you say "What's new pussycat?"
Someday you're gonna shine
You'll see

Then, if we look a little further than just the usual suspects, we find this eccentric selection with lyrics that scratched my itch...

Riffer - That's The Kind Of Room

Now that's the kind of room
I'd like to fill with Burt Bacharach music
The look of love
Is in your eyes

Remember when Burt was married to Angie Dickenson
Can't you see her
Angie's in an evening gown
Drinking scotch on the rocks
Those rocks are clinking as she walks across the room
"The Look of Love" rises from Burt's piano
Oh, what a muse!

Eva B. Ross - On My Way Out

But oh you could fool me into staying
Talking in the corner, hating all the music playing
I like the Rockmes and Bacharach
And I'd happily burn a playlist with an explanation 
Track for track

Particularly fond of this next one...

SE Webster - Already Gone

Meet me in the backwoods, we're going after dark
We're digging a hole in the ground, there's no need to worry at all
You ask too many questions like, "who's it for?" etcetera
C'mon, you must know you're already gone
Just think back to Bacharach & chocolate-covered strawberries
Since you seem to think it's our only good memory
You say you've been done around here
No need to repeat, you've made it perfectly clear
That you're already gone

All of which leads us back to where we started, songs that mention Burt in the title. Can anyone compete with the Quo? You decide...

Snuff - Bacharach

Beaumont - Bacharach

Fitness Forever - Bacharach

Bigott - Bar Bacharach

The Worn Flints - Burt Bacharach

Today's best discovery comes from "Withington's Burt Bacharach", Chris Keaney and his Electric Lovehandles. Let's just say that bandcamp purchases ensued. This is proving an expensive feature for me...

Name That Tune: Our Top Ten Emma Songs

 

Emma Pollock or Emma's Imagination for the picture please, said Charity Chic, who's doing pretty well at picking our pictured artist lately, even if he can't supply any relevant tunes.

Ms. Pollock was always the Emma at the forefront of my mind for this post. I've been a fan since the early days of The Delgados.

Emma Pollock - Paper & Glue

I have to admit to being unfamiliar with Emma's Imagination, but this is nice enough...

Emma's Imagination - This Day

The only other singing Emma in my collection is the actress Emma Caulfield, here duetting with Nicholas Brendon from the Buffy musical episode. I'm sure Alyson will appreciate this if nobody else.

Emma Caulfield & Nicholas Brendon - I'll Never Tell

Speaking of Alyson...

As for artists called Emma, why not go down the pure pop route and offer up Emma Bunton? Baby Spice!

Anyone but Victoria.

Emma Bunton - What Took You So Long?

There was a queue at the post office, Baby.

Onto the songs then... although this week had less entries than usual. When I began this feature, I figured the girl's names would trounce the boy's names in song suggestions, but that hasn't been the case for the past few weeks. Anyway, here's what you had for me, beyond those that made the Top Ten...

Martin kicks us off with these...

Imagine Dragons - Emma

Frank Zappa - Big Leg Emma (with (unintentionally?) comedic lyrics)

There's a big dilemma

About my Big Leg Emma

She was my steady date

Until she put on weight

He'd be done for body-shaming these days.

Dirty Vegas - Emma

Then Brian offered these...

Brendan Benson - Emma J

The Field Mice - Emma's House

(Both were in serious contention.)

Rigid Digit provided this...

Saxon - Song For Emma

...which was a bit too modern-Saxon. An older Saxon tune might have stood a chance.

Finally, you'll be pleased to know that my millennial hipster politico friend, Ben, was far too busy doing important things this week to devote much effort to the search, although he did offer the following, which he says reminds him of being 12...

Alkaline Trio - Emma

I was 31 when that record came out. It reminds him of being 12. Grrr...

(Actually, I think he's a year or two older than your Maths will reveal... but I ignore him whenever he tells me his exact age because it makes me ill.)

Meanwhile, scraped from my own hard-drive, but still worthy of consideration...

Little River Band - Emma

Sebadoh - Emma Get Wild

Freya - Airmail For Miss Emma

The Walkmen - Emma, Get Me A Lemon

Woodpigeon - Emma et Hampus

Dylan LeBlanc - Emma Hartley

And, from 1971, this curious tale of an Emma who...

...comes to see me

About 8 o'clock each night

And she throws her arms around me

And off we go in flight

Like an airplane

Moving up and down

Which, however sweetly sung, is a pretty terrible euphemism. 

However, one night Emma is late... and Jonathan has his tea at 8.30, so frankly, don't mess me about love. I'm not sure this song is meant to make me laugh so much.

Jonathan Edwards - Emma

Finally, a couple of choice lyrical cuts...

Father John Misty - Chateau Lobby #4 (in C for Two Virgins)

Emma eats bread and butter

Like a queen would have ostrich and cobra wine

We’ll have Satanic Christmas Eve

And play piano in the Chateau lobby

Arab Strap - Trippy (Caution: Foul Language Ahead... but then, it is Arab Strap.)

Emma phoned me at work at about half four

It was funny I didn't speak to her anyway

She's a fucking cow better than everybody

Kinda speaking to her mates anyway like that

Anyway we got into the time and she phones me up asked me what I'm doing tonight

I was only gonna sit in and watch the telly as usual wonder where everyone else was

So she says come round to Rab's house and that we got some trips in...

Charming as always.

From Rigid Digit...

Van Morrison - Caravan

Yeah the caravan is on its way

I can hear the merry gypsies play

Mama mama look at Emma Rose

She's playin with the radio

La la la la la la la

La la la la la la la

If he'd worn a mask, I might have let him in the Top Ten.

And from Walter...

The Jam - Private Hell

Think of Emma wonder what she's doing

Her husband terry and your grandchildren

Think of Edward who's still at college

You send him letters which he doesn't acknowledge

cause he don't care

They don't care cause they're all going through their own private hell

Second week in a row for that one! But Mr. Weller does all right round these parts most of the time.

Kirsty MacCall - Walking Down Madison

Within every city and town there's a madison
Frozen lives for whom nothing's happening
Hungry children is a mother's dilemma
Dumpster diving to feed her baby Emma

That's a classic, though probably not enough of a lyrical nod compared to some of the ones that did make the final ten.

Cowboy Junkies - Hunted

Emma's in a part of town

Where she doesn't recognize the streets

Named for famous native sons

And out of every crevice comes creeping

A threat in her direction

Lucy's outside her home

Heading towards her corner store

She stays on well-traveled paths

And is always making sure

That she doesn't develop patterns

And finally, from me, this week's Half Man Half Biscuit tune...

Half Man Half Biscuit - Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite

Big cheese down at the Tourist Information
Come forth with your queries
And I’ll wade out for miles
Never trust a crown green bowler under thirty
The future’s so dull I’ve gotta sing torch songs
Dropkick the improv workshop mimeshow gobshite
Facepaint Left Bank Kenneth Emma R-A-D-A Rainer Werner
Cokeheads cokeheads cokeheads

Which brings us nicely to the winners...

10. Dishwalla - Miss Emma Peel

A new one to me, suggested by Martin, but in the year that we said goodbye to Guy Garvey's mother-in-law, this seems an appropriate tribute.

9. Chumbawumba - When Alexander Met Emma

From Rigid Digit and Walter. Lovelier than you'd expect from Chumbawamba, plus it's from an album called A Singsong And A Scrap. What else do you need? 

8. Buffy Sainte Marie - Emma Lee

Women's ways 

You never know how they gonna do it, 

Women's ways 

There's really nothing to it 

7. Bon Iver - For Emma

Can I add one more, said Martin, because it's excellent. For Emma, forever ago.

Also, For Emma by Bon Iver, Alyson seconded, I only discovered them and the album of the same name when I started writing about the pesky virus in March. They had a song called Blindsided on that album which fitted the bill perfectly at the time.

Jury's still out here at Top Ten Towers on the whole Bon "I recorded this album in a cabin in the woods to get back to the roots" Iver experience, I'm afraid. Still, this was popular enough (on a quiet week) to make the chart.

6. Jens Lekman - Two Young Lovers

The botanical gardens are full of newlyweds

Emma pretends to vomit but Casper looks up and says

"I wouldn't mind if one day that was you and me"

Emma kisses his mouth and says, "Over my dead body"

Nobody writes 'em like Jens.

5. Hard Meat - The Ballad Of Marmalade Emma And Teddy Grimes

Thanks to Emma, says C, I can recycle my comment from last week with the disallowed Teddy!

"...There's a sweet song: 'The Ballad of Marmalade Emma and Teddy Grimes' by Hard Meat, and I can give you a little background to the story too..."

The rather ambiguous-sounding name Hard Meat suggests all sorts – perhaps the title of an Andy Warhol film or a Scandinavian porn mag, maybe even the name of a militant anti-vegetarian group…so you may be relieved to know that the Hard Meat I’m referring to here is a 60s/70s band from Birmingham.  Even then one might expect them to be Black Sabbath soundalikes, complete with controversial lyrics and dubious imagery - however, they had a far softer and more psychedelic/folk/acid rock sound and one does wonder why they chose such a name.

Their first single was a cover of the Beatles’ Rain’ (b/w ‘Burning Up Years’ which was covered by NZ band Human Instinct - many thanks to the reader who corrected the info stated on here earlier) released in 1969 on Island, and they went on to make two albums for Warner Brothers, ‘Hard Meat’ and ‘Through A Window’.

It is the last track on ‘Through A Window’ entitled ‘The Ballad of Marmalade Emma and Teddy Grimes’ (also released as a single in 1970), which has been on continuous play in my mind this week.  I just love its uplifting feel, and an overall sound reminiscent of Traffic and early Faces.  I was also intrigued by its subject matter because Marmalade Emma and Teddy Grimes were real characters who, through the late 1800s/early 1900s, resided in the historic town of Colchester, which is just a few miles from where I live.

It’s assumed that Hard Meat were spending some time in the Essex countryside when they heard talk of these legendary local characters in a pub and were so struck by the stories that they decided to write a song about them. 

Marmalade Emma and Teddy Grimes, pictured below in 1910, lived as eccentric tramps and roamed the streets of Colchester begging and blagging all that they needed to live on, drinking beer slops from the local pubs, sleeping in ditches and hedges, and probably managing to get by very adequately on very little.  The local community tolerated them in spite of some controversy and brushes with the law – on the 1891 Census Emma registered her occupation as ‘prostitute’, the only one on the list, and was also sent to prison briefly for swearing at a policeman.  Story has it that on her return from the clink some local lads asked her where she’d been, to which she replied, “to college”.

Read the rest, and see Marmalade Emma and Teddy Grimes for yourself, here.

Thanks, C!

4. Kate Bush - Don't Push Your Foot on the Heartbrake

Top work, Martin.

Emma's come down.

She's stopped the light

Shining out of her eyes.

Emma's been run out on.

She's breaking down

In so many places,

Stuck in low gear

Because of her fears

3. Belle & Sebastian - This Is Just A Modern Rock Song

Emma tried to run away,

I followed her across the city,

She went out to the Easter house,

Because she liked the sound of it.

She didn't have a single penny,

She stuck a finger in the air,

She tried to flag down an airplane,

I suppose she needs a holiday.

I put my arm around her waist,

She put me on the ground with Judo,

She didn't recognize my face,

She wasn't even looking.

2. Beulah - Emma Blowgun's Last Stand

Blimey, it's a long time since I heard the name Beulah, Brian. Didn't know this one, but it wins the prize for Best New Song You Guys Have Introduced Me To This Week. Especially when the trumpet kicks in at the 2 1/2 minute mark.

You flirt, you drink, you can't stop your winking at the boys at the bar

All you need is a gun and a car

A country song if you don't have a heart

1. Hot Chocolate - Emma

Back when pop/soul (what they'd call r 'n' b these days) had proper guitar solos in it!

Suggested by Martin, Lynchie and Alyson, who adds...

They were so consistent over a period of about 15 years yet I never hear of them much nowadays - anyway, a beautiful yet really sad song.

Thank you also to Martin for reminding me of the Sisters of Mercy cover...

The Sisters of Mercy - Emma

And here, thanks to Rigid Digit, is the Urge Overkill version...

Urge Overkill - Emmaline

Anyway, Alyson's right. Errol's band deserve a little more recognition. They made some great tunes, and this is one of their best...

NEXT WEEK: OUR TOP TEN FREDERICK / 

FRED / FREDDIE SONGS

Saturday Snapshots #103 - The Answers

It won't mean much to most of you, but Friday's news that Disney & Sony have reached a new deal over the rights to Spider-Man was one of the few pieces of good news I've had lately. Thought I'd celebrate it with the image above.

Now here are yesterday's answers...


10. I've an intuition you'll always be together.

The Feeling - Never Be Lonely

9. Did you enjoy watching Chernobyl burn?

Yes, that is Batley Bob, along with his mates from Chic and Duran Duran...

Crazy 80s video features a woman shaving her armpits. Lovely.

Power Station - Some Like It Hot

8. Runaway loses 50 as you arrive.

Del Shannon sang Runaway.

50 was L in Roman Numerals.

Subtract one from the other...

You may know this song by other people, but Jackie wrote it.

Jackie DeShannon - When You Walk In The Room

7. 12:01, Jameson's cabbage.

J. Jonah Jameson is the arch-nemesis of the bloke in the costume at the top of the page. Considering I came up with this clue a couple of weeks ago, I call that synchronicity.

Kale is a type of cabbage,

J.J. Cale - After Midnight

6. A lot's happened between Friday and today. Like killer fruit!

When this clue was posted, a lot had happened since yesterday,

A killer fruit might be a strawberry with a switchblade.

Strawberry Switchblade - Since Yesterday

Another song that Karine Polwart has done a fine version of on her new album.

5. Smashed pumpkins with mixer.

A pumpkin is a gourd. If it were smashed, it might have drunk too much gin and juice.

The Gourds - Gin & Juice

4. Not as eponymous as he used to be, but nothing stays the same.

Not as Young as he used to be... but everything must change.

Paul Young - Everything Must Change

3. Found in clover, forever. In need of an umbrella.

Love can be found in the middle of clover, forever is unlimited.

The one they love (The Walrus of Love) not pictured. But then he, literally, phones his performance in on this one.

Love Unlimited - Walkin' In The Rain With The One I Love

2. This tape will self-destruct in 5 seconds: blame the crazy Jam Kennels.

"This tape will self-destruct in 5 seconds" comes from Mission: Impossible.

"Jam Kennels" is an anagram.

Jens Lekman - To Know Your Mission

1. Greens, before the Beatles, get mean.

Sprouts are greens.

Before the Beatles would be Pre-Fabs.

Mean is just cruel.

"If I'm troubled by every folding of your skirt

Am I guilty of every male-inflicted hurt?

But I don't know how

To describe the modern rose

If I can't refer 

To her shape against her clothes...

With the fever of purple prose."

Written 35 years ago, yet more timely a lyric you won't hear this year.



This quiz does whatever a Snapshot can, once again, next Saturday.

Hot 100 #42

No prizes for guessing that week 42 of our countdown would be illustrated by Level 42, though Walter did suggest Love Games as a less obvious song choice than Running With The Family or Lessons in Love.

Level 42 took their name from Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy in which an enormous supercomputer called Deep Thought took 7.5 million years to work out "the meaning of life, the universe and everything". The answer it came up with was 42.

The songs my own giant super-computer (i.e. you guys) came up with for the number 42 were as follows...

C kicked us off with a certain lady whose measurements were 42-39-56 (I never understood lady's measurements, but very little imagination is needed here)...

AC\DC - Whole Lotta Rosie

Next up was Lynchie, with a couple of suggestions I'd earmarked as potentials this week...

The Rolling Stones - Undercover of the Night  

Hear the screams from Centre 42

Loud enough to bust your brains out...

Johnny Cash - I Will Rock and Roll With You

A new sun risin' on the way we sing

And a world of weirdo's waitin' in the wings

But I love you and though I'm past 42

There are still a few things yet I didn't do

And baby I will rock and roll with you

(If I have to...)

That reminded me of another song about the age 42...

Stephen Duffy - Oh God

And at the time I was a young, young boy

Barely 42

I didn't know only love could break your heart

I didn't know what love could do

Now before we get onto the main theme of today's post, here's a few other random 42 songs my own library chucked up...

Gil Scott Heron & Brian Jackson - The Summer of '42

Sonny Carntyne - 42(A)

Coldplay - 42 (shh!)

Jens Lekman - Friday Night At The Drive-In Bingo

So this is what they do out here for fun?

They play bingo and let their engines run?

Tonight's jackpot is a pig, hey that's criminal!

G-42! Ooh, I'm going diagonal!

It was Alyson, however, who raised the issue of 42nd Street, so certain I wouldn't be making a stop there this week. As she says...

Of course I know it's not going to be your pick, but the song 42nd Street has been around for nearly ninety years and was written by Harry Warren, who has been mentioned often over at my place as he certainly was prolific, and wrote many of the songs covered by other artists over the decades (I Only Have Eyes For You a favourite of mine). Also the Ruby Keeler story is one that never goes away, it just gets updated for a new generation.

Although Alyson is correct that the original 42nd Street song won't be this week's selection, I did find a number of other songs that stopped off on that particular thoroughfare, including...

Johnny Cougar - Taxi Dancer

Well, I don't know how long or how far her fortune did take her

But I heard she sits alone, drunk in a bar down on 42nd Street

And sometimes an old butch will slip a quarter into the jukebox

And she'll stagger to the bar and dance with that girl for free

(That's very early in his career, before he added the Mellencamp and eventually dropped the Cougar altogether.)

Todd Rundgren - Heavy Metal Kids

It's like a normal Times Square day on 42nd Street

I feel like trashing some windows and crunching some feet

I watch society crumble and I just laugh

They soon will see what it's like to be the other half

Bob Dylan - Talkin WWIII Blues (missed you this week, Swede... I love Talkin' Blues songs)

Well, I seen a Cadillac window uptown

And there was nobody aroun'

I got into the driver's seat

And I drove down 42nd Street

In my Cadillac

Good car to drive after a war

Janis Ian - 42nd Street Psycho Blues

But it was Rigid Digit who came up with the strongest 42nd Street contenders. First this...

Don McLean - Sister Fatima

The spirit of Fatima still rules the Earth

She knows your future, she knows what it's worth

Sister Fatima has God given powers

And on 42nd Street a shop that sells flowers

Is her palace come and be healed

And then this week's undisputed winner, a long-time favourite of mine. Why is it the winner? Because you don't mess around with Jim...

Uptown got it's hustlers

The bowery got it's bums

42nd street got big Jim walker

He's a pool shootin' son of a gun

Yeah, he big and dumb as a man can come

But he stronger than a country hoss

And when the bad folks all get together at night

You know they all call big Jim "boss"

41 next week... More slim pickings? Over to you guys...

My Top Ten Mona Lisa Songs

Just managing to keep the lights on at My Top Ten at the moment. Here are ten songs about the most famous / miserable painting in the world...

10. Wolf Alice - Moaning Lisa Smile

A song about feeling bad and having a good moan to get it out of your system.

A song about blogging, then?

9. Al Stewart - Mona Lisa Talking

Much underrated, Al Stewart...

These Renaissance girls know what they're saying
There are whispers at night in the halls of paintings
You think you're the first one to come untethered
But we've been watching you forever

8. Panic! At The Disco - The Ballad of Mona Lisa

A former student used to tell me (every lesson) that I looked like the lead singer of P!ATD, to the point that he started calling me Brendon. I don't see it myself, but I've been called far worse things.

7. Grant Lee Phillips - Mona Lisa

This is really quite lovely, especially the "burgundy smile you wore yesterday".

6. Strangelove - Mona Lisa

Patrick Duff wants to kiss a girl with a disappearing smile.

5. Television Personalities - Sad Mona Lisa

She likes to go shopping on Saturdays

Especially to Kensington Market

For acid house records her mother hates

And posters of Morten Harket

Extra points for rhyming Kensington Market with Morton Harket, obviously.

4. Brad Paisley - The Mona Lisa

I feel, like the frame
That gets to hold the Mona Lisa
And I don't care
If that's all I'll ever be

Brad Paisley makes this love-song writing malarky look easy.

3. Nat King Cole - Mona Lisa

What a voice. She'd have to smile at Nat! Similar smiles for Willie Nelson, Marvin Gaye... and Deano.

2. Jens Lekman - A Man Walks Into A Bar

Jens practices his chat up lines...

How many lovers does it take
To put a light bulb into a socket?
Why did Mona Lisa smile?
I have the answer written down in my pocket.

But it's not as creepy as that might sound...

I know why Mona Lisa smiled
Da Vinci must have been a really funny guy
And laughter is the only way into my heart

1. Elton John - Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters

For all his latter-day sins, early Elton takes some beating...



I could probably have stretched to another ten. The Manics would have got in here had they not thrown acid all over the painting. Which one leaves an enigmatic smile on your face?

My Top Ten Albums of 2017 #2

Witty melancholia meets lush indie pop - Jens takes on weddings, tumours and why we're here with panache.

At Babak's school, there is a 3D printer
And he prints out a model of the tumour
That was surgically removed from his back this winter
In its rugged grey plastic, it looks lunar
He puts the tumour in his breast pocket
As we head out for a beer...

More here.

2. Jens Lekman - Life Will See You Now



Next: a return to the top for the band who created my favourite albums of 2008 and 2010.

My Top Ten Stalker Songs (Volume 2)

Still not featuring this one, but its time will come.

As promised, I'm following you home again tonight.

In case you missed it, Volume 1 is here.



10. Robyn - Dancing On My Own

Seriously, you wouldn't mess around on Robyn. She would mess you up.

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can?
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you're at, I bet she's around
Yeah, I know it's stupid
I just gotta see it for myself
I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, ohh
I'm right over here, why can't you see me, ohh
I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home,
I keep dancing on my own

9. Randy Newman - Suzanne

Randy finds a girl's name & number graffitied in a telephone box and decides she's the one for him...

And when you go to the pictures
And I know you do
Don't take no one with you
'Cause I'll be there, too

8. Eminem - Stan

I realise there are many out there who hate the fact that Marshall gave Dido a career as a result of this track, but if you can get past that it's both scary and hilarious. Plus it's the record that proves once and for all that Eminem is a Phil Collins fan...

Dear Mr. I'm-Too-Good-to-Call-or-Write-My-Fans
This'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word – I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey, Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins
"In the Air of the Night" about that guy who could've saved that other guy from drownin'
But didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is
You could've rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand downers now, I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall
I loved you, Slim, we could've been together – think about it!

And of course, I can't post that without also posting this*, which I still find hilarious. Your mileage may vary. (*Enjoy your holiday, Jez.)

7. Heart - Alone

It doesn't get more 80s than this. I was 15 when this song came out. It soundtracked my teenage desperation...

You don't know how long I have wanted
To touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don't know how long I have waited
And I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
And my love for you is still unknown
Alone

You've no idea how much those lyrics still make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

6. Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

I was reading a US article the other day that called Morrissey a "one hit wonder" and cited this track as said hit. What a bizarre world.

That aside, can you imagine anything more bizarre than being stalked by Mozzer? "Call the cops!", as Shaun Ryder would say.

Oh, by the way, while I like the new Morrissey single a lot and am looking forward to the album, I do wish he'd keep his mouth shut while promoting it.

5. The Wedding Present - Bewitched

Actually, I could probably devote a whole Top Ten to Wedding Present Songs wherein David Gedge ends up stalking someone. Here's one of the best.

Why do my steps get this small
When I reach your front door
And I wait outside for you to come back out
And your light goes out
You don't know me but I'm still here
And God the last time I saw you
You were, oh, this near
And there's a thousand things I wished I'd said and done
But the moment's gone...

4. Tommy Tutone - Jenny (867-5309)

The guys from Tommy Tutone employ a very similar pick-up strategy to Randy Newman.

Jenny, Jenny you're the girl for me
You don't know me but you make me so happy
I tried to call you before, but I lost my nerve
I tried my imagination but I was disturbed

3. Jens Lekman - Psychogirl

Jens gets stalked by a girl from the post office. They all fall for him, psychogirls.

She sent me an SMS
But it felt more like an SOS, a cry for help
I know your life has been a mess
You cried yourself to sleep as a child
In your mommy's dress and your summerdress
But stop following me, psychogirl
I have enough problems to deal with on my own
Just turn around now, psychogirl
Your eyes are like knives, cutting into my bones
And if I'd be your psychologist, who would be the psychologist's psychologist?

2. Blondie - One Way Or Another

Line up her if you'd like Debbie Harry as a stalker...

I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout, some specials and rat food
Get lost in the crowd...

1. Elvis Costello - I Want You 

Genuinely one of the scariest songs ever written. So good, they made a film out of it.

It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for 
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for 
I want you 
It's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing 
It's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing

There is plenty for a third volume. If I'm not arrested first.

March #10: The Best Album of 2017...

...so far.

I realise that's a pretty bold claim in March, but, boy, do I like the new Jens Lekman LP, Life Will See You Now. I've had it on almost permanent rotation in the car all week (along with one other new album which I managed to fit on the same CD and I'll be mentioning here soon). Usually when I take a new album to the car, I give it time to grow: one spin, then back to something more familiar, revisiting it later. But this one, I've had to fight to get it out of the CD player.

10. Jens Lekman - How We Met, The Long Version

It's been 10 years since I bought a Jens Lekman album, no fault of the artist because I very much enjoyed 2007's Night Falls Over Kortedala; all the fault of my pathetic inability to keep up with all the artists I enjoy. Good pre-release buzz about this record reminded me about Jens, and I'm glad I plunged back in, because there's so much to enjoy here, starting with lead "singles" What's That Perfume You Wear? and Evening Prayer. I will warn you not to listen to any of the other tracks from the album on youtube though as someone has uploaded a bunch of them slowed-down for some reason... and they sound pretty ropey.

Discussing my love for the album with my pal Steve last week, I made the mistake of comparing it to recent John Grant masterpieces... knowing full well Steve isn't really into John Grant. Lyrically, there's certainly that same attention to quirky detail you'll find on a John Grant record (as Evening Prayer ably demonstrates) as well as an obvious love of upbeat, poppy electronica. But there's much more to love here even if you're not a John Grant devotee (a.k.a. you're clinically insane), from a gorgeous duet with Tracy Thorn, Hotwire The Ferris Wheel, which goes all Pearlfishers / Paddy McAloon towards the end (I should have led with that, shouldn't I, Steve?) to the main track I'm concentrating on today, which is the first song this year I've fallen head over heels for on first listen. I love the attention to detail here, how Jens speeds through the creation of the universe and the beginnings of life on earth... only to slow things right down at the moment he asks the girl he fancies to "borrow your bass guitar...not that I needed one". And just listen to the trumpets!

Jens Lekman - How We Met, The Long Version

Seriously, if Life Will See You Now isn't near the top of my year end countdown for 2017, it will have been a truly amazing year for new music. 

My Top Ten Taxi Songs

Taxi!

This week, ten songs that'll get you home in a hurry.

Special mentions to the band Death Cab For Cutie (named after a Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band song) and Rick Springfield & Randy Crawford's Taxi Dancing, which was another contender for my Bickering Couples Top Ten.

Sorry, Joe le Taxi fans, I was 15 in 1987... and even then, I was too old for 14 year old Vanessa Paradis.



10. Bob James - Angela

The theme from Taxi: simple as that. Jazzy but cool. If you're of a certain age... even if you didn't watch the sitcom that gave us Danny DeVito, Andy Kaufman and Christopher Lloyd (not to mention Judd Hirsch, Marilu Henner and Tony 'Who's The Boss?' Danza)... this will likely bring back warm and fuzzy memories. I was ever-so slightly too young for it myself - Cheers was more my era - but it still makes me feel good.

See also Bernard Herrmann's Theme From Taxi Driver: same era, equally jazzy... not quite as warm and fuzzy. You talkin' to me?

9. Jens Lekman - Black Cab

Sweden's answer to the Magnetic Fields (via Jonathan Richman) isn't too fussy who he picks up in his cab...

They might be psycho-killers, 
But tonight, I really don't care...

Still in Scandinavia, check out Jens' Norwegian equivalent Sondre Lerche, with his Airport Taxi Reception. Taxi songs are big in Europe. You're still not getting Vanessa Paradis.

8. Tim Buckley - Nighthawkin'

Like a lot of struggling songwriters, Tim Buckley moonlighted as a taxi driver, which was probably the inspiration for this song about picking up a crazy Viet Nam vet on a scary night in L.A.

7. Warren Zevon - My Ride's Here

The final track on Zevon's penultimate album, many saw it as him preparing to shake hands with the reaper following his diagnosis with terminal cancer. By all accounts, the song was written well before that though... which makes the whole taxi-death metaphor eerily prescient.

I was staying at the Marriott
With Jesus and John Wayne
I was waiting for a chariot
They were waiting for a train
The sky was full of carrion
"I'll take the mazuma"
Said Jesus to Marion
"That's the 3:10 to Yuma
My ride's here..."

6. Prince - Lady Cab Driver

8 minutes of funky jam from the 1999 album; here, Prince gets taken for a ride by the eponymous lady and then she joins him in the back seat. You can guess the rest... but who the hell's driving the cab?

5. Bruce Springsteen - City Of Night

Another one you won't find on youtube, this is an outtake from the Darkness On The Edge Of Town sessions, finally released a few years back on The Promise collection. It begins with Bruce hailing a cab but then heads downtown into a deeper meditation on how we survive the darkness...

4. Harry Chapin - Taxi

Another epic story song from the Raymond Carver of popular music. Here Harry is a taxi driver who picks up an old flame on a rainy night. After she initially pretends not to recognise him, they eventually get to talking about old times and the space in between.

You see, she was gonna be an actress,
And I was gonna learn to fly.
She took off to find the footlights,
And I took off to find the sky.

When the ride's over, the guilty woman overtips her former lover and he pockets the change without further comment. But as with many Harry Chapin songs, this one has a sting in its tail. It seems both of them achieved their ambitions in life... metaphorically, at least.

3. Paul Simon - Gumboots

It starts and ends as a conversation in a taxi cab, and sandwiched in between is some of Paul Simon's finest witty wordplay. Although it's ultimately a song about very little (the Seinfeld of pop songs), Gumboots has always been one of my favourite tracks from Graceland.

I was walking down the street
When I thought I heard this voice say
"Say, ain't we walking down the same street
Together on the very same day?"
I said, "hey senorita
That's astute," I said
"Why don't we get together and call ourselves an institute now?"

Of course, the words are pure Paul Simon, but the tune is based largely around a melody by South African musicians Lulu Masilela and Jonhjon Mkhalali. It appeared on an unlabelled cassette compilation called Accordion Jive Vol. III which somebody gave Simon in the early 80s. It took him a while to hunt down the music's origins, but when he did, Graceland was born. Of course, there's controversy over how much credit (or money) those original artists received, but popular music as a medium has been ripping off its own roots for decades: Paul Simon didn't invent that practice. Elvis, Lennon & McCartney, the Stones, Led Zep... it's been going on for years. (And still is, as Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith can attest.)

Graceland is 30 years old this year. Just to make you feel ancient again.

2. Arctic Monkeys - Red Lights Indicate Doors Are Secured

I've liked a lot of what the Arctic Monkeys did next, but that debut album is close to perfection. It was written by a bunch of chancers who had no idea how big they'd become... and as soon as they became that big, they'd never write anything like it again.

Red Light... is Alex Turner's stream-of-consciousness ramble about trying to get a taxi home with his mates on a Saturday night in Sheffield. It's full of the kind of everyday lyrical minutiae only people who aren't pop stars can write, while also managing to reference both the Stones and Springsteen during a drunken altercation at the taxi stand. Brilliant.

1. Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi

"They paved paradise and put up a parking lot..." has to be one of the greatest opening lines ever (I must try to remember it when I do Volume 2 of My Top Ten Opening Lines). Alliteration doesn't always work in lyrics, but here it provides Joni's pop opus with the prerequisite punch.

This ecological protest song was written after Joni visited Hawaii and opened her hotel curtains to see acres of parking lots, but what's most interesting is that the eponymous taxi may not even be a taxi at all... it might be slang for the big yellow police cars in her native Toronto. Which gives us a slightly different way of interpreting what might be happening when said taxi takes away her old man...

The song's been covered by a number of people, including Bob Dylan, Amy Grant and the Counting Crows... who annoyingly destroy the big yellow taxi line by changing the lyrics to say "took my girl away" which neither rhymes nor scans like the original and annoys me every time I hear it. Janet Jackson also used the hook for her hit 'Got 'Til It's Gone'.

Big Yellow Taxi is also the second best song in the history of pop to feature a slamming screen door. But I'll hold onto that for my Top Ten Screen Door Songs...





Which one gets your meter running?