TV On The Radio #22: Mr Bates Vs The Post Office

I was largely unaware of the story of Alan Bates and his fight to clear the names and reputations of hundreds of Post Office employees. The recent TV dramatisation starring Toby Jones came as quite the eye-opener... and I'm still reeling. It's the sort of story that proves reality can be far scarier than fiction. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't believe it. Surely there must have been...? Why didn't...? What sort of people...?  How could they...? 

Words fail me. 

Here are some songs that feature the Post Office. The warm and welcoming local high street institution that we all grew up with... not the evil, autonomous Mega-Corporation that took it over.

Robert Arthur "Tut" Taylor Sr. was a champion and preserver of old time bluegrass music who once sold a Hank Williams guitar to Neil Young. Here he reminds us of a Post Office to be proud of...

Buccaneer is from Jamaica, but his real name is Andrew Bradford. He was stuck in the Post Office back in 1994.

Buccaneer - Post Office

But here's a young man who still has a nice word about the Post Office, from just last year...

Mark Diamond - Post Office

Eminem's obsessive stalker, Stan, was aware of problems at the Post Office back in 2000 - but who'd listen to that nutter?

I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em

There probably was a problem at the Post Office or somethin'

Eminem - Stan

Bob Dylan also suspected something was afoot...

And I would send a message

To find out if she's talked

But the Post Office has been stolen

And the mailbox is locked

Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again

Of course, it's not the first time the Post Office has been accused of being involved in dubious practices. Look how they helped Waldo Jeffers!

By Friday afternoon, Waldo was set

He was thoroughly packed and the Post Office 

Had agreed to pick him up at three o'clock

Velvet Underground - The Gift

Meanwhile, Donald Glover puts his finger on the real problem - it's the Horizon software!

But no love for the son of a commuter who was a radio head

And okay at them computers at the post office

Childish Gambino - Hold You Down

Whereas Joel Plaskett is just so wrapped up in his own life, he's oblivious to this extraordinary scandal...

I was at the Post Office buying a stamp

Thinking that the girl behind the counter was "fine"

I said, "You think this'll get there by Friday, ma'am?"

She says, "I get off work at quarter past nine"

To be fair to Joel, he does at least appear aware of the IT issues...

Baby, if you wanna be

Out of the ordinary

You don't need technology!

The Joel Plaskett Emergency - Extraordinary

How many people lost their jobs as a result of this travesty? Hundreds? Thousands? Here's one right now...

I used to work at the Post Office...

Frank Zappa - You Are What You Is

And what about former Post Office boss (and former CBE) Paula Vennels? Any thoughts on her?

She worked in my Post Office

In my zip code, in my postal area

I don't think I should reveal her name...

Jens Lekman - Psychogirl

With all these accusations of wrong-doing to be found in popular song, how do the Post Office respond? With flat-out denials... Nothing Ever Happens!

Post office clerks put up signs saying 'position closed'

Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

And with so many documents pertaining to this enquiry conveniently lost, who knows what else they lost?

...the mailbox that contained the letter 

That was lost by the Post Office for 40 years

Happenin' to have been written by Albert Einstein

Pere Ubu - Postman Drove a Caddy

Lots of people believe the Post Office used to be the heart of the community...

A Catholic church, a Baptist church

Come Monday morning everyone got back to work

Post office and a bank where they knew my name

Smile and a thanks with my receipt and change

Norman Rockwell couldn't paint it any better

I thought this place would stay the same forever

Laura Cantrell - I'm Gonna Miss This Town

But in recent years, so many have been forced to close down...

Last year, they closed down the post office

Took the only flag we had in town

That old brick building still stands like a cenotaph

To a vision lost and buried in a very distant past

Cowboy Junkies - The Last Spike

I'll tell you, all this has proved most upsetting to one of our greatest punk icons...

I'm searching for your beat

Black sister, stony beat

Post office freaks her out

Shock to me, come on out

Thurston Moore - Patti Smith Math Scratch

As soon as I started thinking about songs featuring the Post Office, two sprang immediately to mind. The first is just a mondegreen though. Still, if Michael really was singing...

Keep on to the Post Office

Don't stop till you get enough

...then there wouldn't be a better song to support Alan Bates's 20+ year fight.

Michael Jackson - Don’t Stop 'Til You Get Enough

At the front of my queue though, it was always going to be this little number from The Courteeners...

What took you so long?

Was there a queue at the post office?

Yep. A queue of rightfully aggrieved postmasters still waiting for their compensation...

Conversations With Ben #17: Ice Cream Man

Rol: I went into a local newsagents to get some Formula 1 cards that Sam is collecting. Didn't get any. Instead, I got a 5 minute lecture on how he's been a newsagent all his life and he doesn't stock trading cards because he's seen too many kids throw away money on them and blah blah blah blah blah. It was like something out of League of Gentlemen.

Ben: He sounds more like he hates kids. Probably doesn't like them in his shop at all.

I remember the days of collecting stickers for my Beano Panini sticker books and my Simpsons one.

Running around the house desperate to do chores, no matter how small, so I could get another 30p and run to the shop to get another pack.

I'm so old it was Empire Strikes Back.

That dotard in your newsagent's doesn't know what he's on about. I still have my two stickerbooks. Can't bring myself to throw them away because of the memories of putting it together. I only ever see it when I'm moving but it sparks pleasant memories and I spend a good ten minutes looking through. I still remember which ones were so rare and the excitement of finding them.

Yeah, I still have a couple of mine too.

It was a hilarious scene though. He was still lecturing me as I left the shop. I wish I'd said to him, "how many newspapers are you selling these days, mate?"

You should have gone full bell-end and started mimicking him in the most obnoxious voice with exaggerated hand gestures...

I love miserable shopkeepers though. I still remember the local coffee shop I dared to go in at 3.30 (he closed at 4). He audibly groaned as I walked in and said, "I hope you don't want coffee 'cos I'm cleaning the machine now."

Still, we need to support our local businesses!

Definitely. But it's definitely helpful if they aren't dicks.

You work in customer service in an age where you can get almost anything delivered. All I need is a smile and I'm sold.

Did he at least have a mini freezer full of 10p Mr Freezes?

I wasn't about to start inspecting the things he chose worthy of selling: too busy listening to what he wouldn't sell. I bet he had some dodgy magazines behind the counter. He's probably not heard of the internet.

I really want an ice pop now.

One thing that I really miss as a vegan is a choc ice

I can get Magnums and shop own brand ones and luxury style non dairy ice-creams that mimic a Magnum but I want a choc ice.

Something that has no pretensions.

In a paper bag, usually broken. Cheapest shit on earth. I want that.

We had dairy free ice cream this afternoon.

It was horrible

What brand? There's some shockers.

Poncy ice cream shop that's opened up in the centre of the village. Only sells DF.

Homemade?

I guess so. Sam liked the bubblegum flavour, but the mango I had was minging.

Gritty and ice shards?

No, it was smooth enough. Just tasted artificial. I like a nice sorbet, but this wasn't it.

Can't comment as haven't tried it. But I'd say that's less to do with non dairy and more to do with the flavour that the shop uses. Poorly made vegan ice cream usually is gritty or has ice shards in because non dairy milks have xantham gum in to thicken and stop separation which if you don't freeze it properly separates the water and turns it into some weird ice.

Left a nasty taste in my mouth, can still taste it now. Like those drinks full of aspartame.

That'll just be the flavouring. Probably used a low sugar one. Ugh.

I really want a choc ice now.

There's a Top 10 songs for you. Ones that mention choc ices. Or ice creams. No repeating dishes. i.e. no two sundae songs.

I know Kano had a lyric somewhere with Choc Ice in...

Here you go...

Jonathan Richman - Ice Cream Man 

Tom Waits - Ice Cream Man

Tony Joe White - Ice Cream Man

Van Halen - Ice Cream Man

Pere Ubu - Ice Cream Truck

Casiotone For The Painfully Alone - Ice Cream Truck

The Associates - Ice Cream Factory

Lloyd Cole - Ice Cream Girl

Jefferson Airplane - Ice Cream Phoenix

Frank Triolo - Ice Cream Baby

Fight Like Apes - Ice Cream Apple Fuck

 All ice cream songs. Failed miserably on choc ices.

Needs to be more specific.

E.g. Cone.

Sundae.

Knickerbocker Glory.

Choc ice.

Solero.

Strawberry split.

I'll need more time for that.

I'm sure Kelis must have a song about licking ice creams...

Just trying to challenge you...

I will accept cone and waffle cone as two separate ones.

Also a tub of ice cream.

Not something like "two scoops" as that doesn't define the sort of ice-cream.

Magic Whip is the worst Blur album. So I'm not going there.

I'd completely forgot that one exists.

If you struggle, I will also accept half of them to be ice lollies, but they must refer to the product itself and not just use the word. I.e. "fab" and "zoom" must refer to the ice lolly Fab and not an adjective and zoom must refer to that bitching ice lolly and not the verb.

So no Fat Larry's Band?

Also, please don't say "bitchin", even ironically.

Zooms are pretty good though, aren't they? Do they still make them?

I've no idea what you're talking about.

Those and fab lollies fuelled my childhood.

And Mini Milks.

Never liked a Feast.

Nobbly Bobblies were a treat when the ice cream van came, though.

Bennet - Mum Has Gone To Iceland contains a reference to "ice cream topping"...

Don't suppose you'll allow one of the Top Five Greatest TV Theme Tunes of all time?

There's a Cadbury's Flake here... the most important bit of a 99...

I feel like a 99 is ubiquitous enough to be referenced as a whole...

Ian Dury's Blackmail Man has Raspberry Ripple in it... but he's using rhyming slang to refer to himself

Peter Sarstedt - Frozen Orange Juice. Classic!

That's one. 

Talking Heads - Popsicle

That's two.

John Grant - Marz... lots of ice cream flavours in that, surely?

I'll accept that one grudgingly.

It's more confectionery but, yeah.

Vanilla Ice, obviously...

Tutti Frutti!!!

Ben: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tutti_frutti

If that's a link explaining sexual practices, I'm not clicking on it.

John Cougar Mellencamp - Jack & Diane... behind the Tastee Freez...

Tastee freez is a shop.

Selling soft scoop ice cream.

We're on about frozen desserts. Not locations to buy frozen desserts.

Otherwise Rabbit would count as it mentions Sainsbury's.

Sainsbury's isn't an ice cream shop.

They sell ice-cream.

I'm not playing unless you allow me Jack & Diane.

PWR BTTM - Dairy Queen

You can have Jack and Diane.

That's the only one involving an ice-cream shack allowed.

Thank you. I will move on from that source now.

BMX Bandits - Rachel Eating An Ice Cream At A Truck Stop In Japan

Jarvis & Chilly - Ice Cream As Main Course

I feel like you're too focused on generic ice cream. I don't want a Farm Foods Neapolitan. I want a variety of frozen treats.

The King Blues - Getting Out Of Here has Cornettos in it. Your sort of band. Very political. I saw them supporting Bragg once.

I saw them a number of years ago. They changed direction I think. I think the singer became a rapper.

Yeah. I think he got sick of nobody listening.

Slayer - Mr Freeze

That's me done. I've exhausted this topic.

Banana Splits?

Louise hated when I introduced Sam to the Banana Splits.

Love the Banana Splits. When I was about 7 they reran their Saturday morning show on cartoon network. With all the skits and the shows within them.

I can't say I ever got the appeal, beyond the theme song.

I think it's the chaotic nature of them.

Especially when every other presenter was trying to be more cool.

Even at an early age you were rebelling against the system.

I think I've said but I loved the slapstick nature of The Three Stooges, Mr Bean, Tom and Jerry. And this was a set of shows that were presented by these silly creatures. The go kart bit always cracked me up.

I found them a bit scary. Still do.

Saturday Snapshots #177: A Top Ten Bus Songs

Yes, it's the answers to this week's quiz... What A Feeling!

Those of you who turn up for more than just Saturday Snapshots might have had a clue towards this week's theme earlier in the week...

A TOP TEN BUS SONGS

10. Surely a millionaire by now?

Well, he started out as a rich man...

Jonathan Richman - You're Crazy For Taking The Bus

Or you could have had...

Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers - The Wheels On The Bus

9. Old Buddies.

The Hollies - Bus Stop

8. Chubby rear.

Fatback Band - (Are You Ready) Do the Bus Stop

7. Bursting presence.

Another anagram. The picture, for one so young, is surprisingly obvious.

Bruce Springsteen - Does This Bus Stop at 82nd Street?

6. Sounds like two modern taxis... 

A pair of Ubers, in the Latin, must surely be...

Pere Ubu - A Bus Called Happiness

Or you could have had...

Pere Ubu - Bus Station 

5. A Kinky Winehouse?

Ray was the Kink, Amy was the Winehouse.

Amy Ray - Bus Bus

4. AKA Yacht Jerk.

Anagram!

Jake Thackray - Country Bus

3. Heavenly laughter.

The Divine Comedy - National Express

2. Great kitchen, but some of it is a little faded.

Greatkitchen...

Gretchen Peters - On A Bus To St. Cloud

1. Call the Doctor.

The Doctor?

Doctor Who?

Don't miss the bus to happiness next Saturday morning!

My Top Ten Hoover / Vacuum Cleaner Songs

Ten odes to the humble vacuum cleaner (and other Hoover-related thingamabobs). Unfortunately, I couldn't find any songs named after the Dyson. Sorry, Sir James.

Special mentions to Hoover, Hooverphonic, the extremely tantalising Jimmy The Hoover (lost classic!), Mindless Drug Hoover (swearily hilarious) and, of course, Freddie's greatest drag moment (above).  

Extra special mention to the Shake 'n' Vac ad. Because.

Sadly, I couldn't find The Yodelling Hoover by The Soft Boys anywhere on t'internet, but I'm sure it's great because it's Robyn Hitchcock.



10. The Candyskins - Mrs. Hoover

 Forgotten Britpop 15-minuters give it their all in this cheery ode to women in their underwear vacing up.

9. Glen Hansard - Broken Hearted Hoover Fixer Sucker Guy

A tiny lo fi delight from the soundtrack to busker's love story Once.

8. The Toy Dolls - Her With A Hoover

Despite only ever having one UK hit (a punked up version of Nellie The Elephant, very popular in 80s school discos), The Toy Dolls are, surprisingly, still in the go and still releasing records. This year's is called Olgacoustic, presumably because lead singer Michael "Olga" Algar is busking on it. Their previous record surely had the best title ever though: The Album After The Last One.

One more, two more
Fleas on the bedroom floor
No ones ever seen her, with a vacuum cleaner
Three more, four more
Mice unite at the kitchen door
It weren't no rotten rumour,
He could never move her,
And I never saw her with a hoover.

7.  Pere Ubu - Vacuum In My Head

One for the John Peel fans. David Thomas has a vacuum cleaner in his head and it's sucking up everything he knows.

6. Edwyn Collins & Bernard Butler - Can't Do That (The Hoover)

A laidback psychedelic groove that shows what happens when you spill Orange Juice on Suede.

5. Arctic Monkeys - I Wanna Be Yours

Alex Turner is a great lyricist, finding  grubby romance in the everyday mundanity of old man's pubs, pick 'n' mix bags and late night taxi journeys. But here, he bows down to a true master, reworking John Cooper Clarke's poem of the same name...

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust...

4. Sugar - Hoover Dam

Bob Mould goes all 'To Be Or Not To Be' on the edge of the Hoover Dam. No vacuum cleaners, but a damned fine tune, nevertheless.

3. 'Til Tuesday - Love In A Vacuum

Before going on to a superlative solo career, Aimee Mann was the lead singer of synth-heavy 80s new wave band 'Til Tuesday. This is one of their best,but it's not as timeless as her later work.

2. The Christians - Hooverville

A politically charged anthem from the mighty Christians... nothing to do with cleaning up your house, unless they're asking crooked politicians to do just that.

1. Elvis Costello - Hoover Factory

Elvis pays tribute to the distinctive Art Deco design of London's Hoover Building... now owned by Tesco.

I don't think I'll be compiling a Top Ten Tesco Songs anytime soon.

Five miles out of London on the Western Avenue
Must have been a wonder when it was brand new
Talkin' 'bout the splendour of the Hoover factory
I know that you'd agree if you had seen it too...

Which is your dustbuster?