Snapshots #411: Songs About Minor Ailments

Various songs you might need to consult a doctor about... although they'll probably tell you to stop wasting their time... if you can even get past the receptionist.

15. Flatulent Camberwick Green resident and apocryphal cabin boy.  

The flatulent Camberwick Green resident would be Windy Miller. It's an urban legend though that Captain Pugwash had Roger The Cabin Boy in his crew.

Roger Miller - Lou's Got The Flu 

14. After The Funeral.

The Wake - Heartburn

13. Rebellious Jews.

Check your history books.

The Maccabees - Sore Throat

12. They do not own a copy of that George Michael single.

They are without a copy of Faith.

Faithless - Insomnia

11. Man with the News: Tickling the ivories leads to the Cure.

Huey Lewis was the man with The News. Robert Smith has The Cure.

Huey 'Piano' Smith - Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Flu Pt. 1

10. I've a mind to let this group make my decisions for me.

A Hive Mind?

The Hives - Constipation

9. ET's friend in a box likes to take long walks with Blind Boy Grunt.

ET's friend was Elliot. Jack in a box. Long walks would be rambling. Blind Boy Grunt was another alias of Robert Zimmerman.

Ramblin' Jack Elliott & Bob Dylan - Acne

8. The entirety & the whole shebang.

Everything Everything - Cough Cough

7. Sue Pollard and tough guy Marvin.

Sue Pollard was Peggy. Lee Marvin was the tough guy.

Peggy Lee - Fever

6. "I'm listening" to the catchiest part of the song.

"I'm listening," was the catchphrase of Dr. Frazier Crane. The catchiest part of the song is usually the chorus.

Frazier Chorus - Born With A Headache 

5. Sodding Teri has me all over the place.

"Sodding Teri" was an anagram.

Otis Redding - I'm Sick Y'All

4. Goes with Delaney & The Creator.

Delaney & Bonnie... Tyler The Creator.

Bonnie Tyler - It's A Heartache

3. A bumpy journey through space.

Cosmic Rough Riders - The Pain Inside

2. Two thousand.

CC are the Roman Numerals for 200. Multiply that by 10.

10cc - You've Got A Cold

At a pinch, you might have had...

Graham Gouldman - Sunburn

1.Found inside notorious dynamos.

NoTORIous dynAMOS.

Tori Amos - Caught A Light Sneeze

Get well soon - hopefully you'll be back to full health by next Saturday, in time for more of this nonsense.

Emergency Questions #9: New Laws

The Hives - The Hives Are Law, You Are Crime

Another conversation query from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Where do we begin? Perhaps by asking a couple of pop stars what laws they might institute...

There oughta be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones

Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man

You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration

Stevie Wonder - Happy Birthday

As for myself...

Ian McNabb - There Oughta be a Law

The obvious one - a law banning Audi drivers. Or should I just ban Audis? No, no, guns don't kill people: people kill people. It's the people who want to own an Audi and drive it like a scumbag because they think they're better than everyone else... they're the real threat to society.

And there definitely ought to be a law against people who drive vehicles that break the sound barrier. You with your twin exhausts or your motorbike engines that sound like an angry road drill when you rev them up. At 11 o'clock at night. When decent folk are trying to sleep.

Wolves of Glendale - Loud Ass Car

How about a law forbidding you from having a nice long chat with your mates in the supermarket while blocking the aisle and preventing access to the frozen peas?

Or a law that forces bartenders to serve people in the actual order they got to the bar, not just the pushy / attractive ones first? (And I say this as someone who doesn't drink and therefore goes up to a bar about twice a year. This law is more for your benefit that mine.)

Kris Kristofferson - The Law Is For Protection Of The People

Better yet, a law that creates two separate queues in coffee shops. A slow queue for anyone ordering a mocha-choca-spocka-latte with whipped cream and sprinkles or any drink that involves crushed ice. And a fast track queue for people who just want coffee. Black coffee. We're not even pfaffing about with frothy steamed milk. We just want our drink. Fast.

Mickey & Sylvia - There Oughta Be A Law

And what about a law to outlaw anyone I can't stand? 

Bono. The Gallaghers. Michael McIntyre. 

When I am king, to quote Radiohead, you will be first against the wall...

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Not to mention the ones for whom - I'm sorry - a firing squad is too good.

Donald Trump. Elon Musk. Nigel Farage. Andrew Tate.

I hope there's plenty of room in that Suffolk ditch...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Snapshots #208: A Top Ten Onomatopoeia Songs

Welcome to the quiz that will Boom Boom Shake Your Room... yeah, I didn't use that one because it would have been too obvious.

Being an English teacher, I have a special fondness for the word "onomatopoeia", even though I regularly tell students it's the hardest word to spell... apart from broccoli.

Despite that, I own three songs with that word (or a variation) in their title...

John Prine - Onomatopoeia

Todd Rundgren - Onomatopoeia

Sparks - Onomato Pia

While John Grant also professes his love here...

John Grant - Rhetorical Figure

But how did you guys get on? Let's find out...

10. Brian Body B.

Anagram!

Bobby Darin - Splish Splash

9. Rash.

As in, the kind of rash that makes you itch.

The Hives - Tick Tick Boom

8. Domino without a hat on.

Fats Domino; hats off to Larry...

Fat Larry's Band - Zoom

7. Loaded.

If he's loaded, he must be a very rich man.

Jonathan Richman - Buzz Buzz Buzz

6. A wrinkly.

Anagram!

Link Wray - Rumble

5. Wee and timorous lads.

Wee and timorous beasties, obviously.

The Beastie Boys - Pow

4. Solid service surfers.

Solid silver, silver service, silver surfers.

Silver - Wham Bam Shang-A-Lang

3. Detective drew swooning pop.

The detective would be NANCY Drew. Her swooning pop was Old Blue Eyes...

Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang 

2. Rugby player, like Shatner.

A hooker is a rugby player.

And who could forget...?

John Lee Hooker - Boom Boom

1. Crude bunch.

They're just so primitive...

The Primitives - Crash

More crash bang wallop next Saturday...

Saturday Snapshots #73 - The Answers

In This World, there are few certainties. Sometimes people go to Extreme Ways to solve Saturday Snapshots. Other times, you Lift Me Up with your answers. No wonder this is a quiz that will Run On (for a long time).

I think Lynchie did just enough to take the prize this week, but there were good efforts from everyone else, particularly George, who confessed to helping Bill Wyman break into the charts. You're an accessory, George, you're going down for that.

You want answers, Honey? Go!


10. Put your lips together like you wanna Move On Up... but these will stop you in your tracks.

Curtis Mayfield sang Move On Up.

You put your lips together and blow, said Lauren Bacall.

Brakes will stop you in your tracks. Hopefully.

Kurtis Blow - The Breaks

9. Bees bring me out in a rash... like Public Enemy Number One.

Bees live in hives.

Hives are also a nasty rash.

Public Enemy No.1 would be the Main Offender.

The Hives - Main Offender

8. I am a musicien de célébrités... not a Geordie L'addition.

Wey aye, man - l'addition is the bill, like.

Bill Wyman - (Si Si) Je Suis Un Rock Star

Video of the week. Hell, video of the year. You will have nightmares.

7. Summer holiday at sea? Enjoy your trip...

A July cruise, perhaps?

Julee Cruise - Falling

6. Sweet home kids can't see Christ's explosive punch.

The Blind Boys of Alabama - (Jesus Hit Like The) Atom Bomb

5. Teenage revolt in the slums.

Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild

(I knew Rigid Digit would guess this one.)

4. A fantastic custom... aka Martini Tat.

Aka Martini Tat is an anagram.

Tanita Tikaram - A Good Tradition

3. A canary, like the Two Tommies.

A canary works in a coal mine.

Tommy Lee.

Tommy Dorsey.

Lee Dorsey - Working In The Coal Mine

2. Underwater breathing apparatus will burn out your retinas.

Aqualung - Brighter Than The Sun

1. MDMA overdose? Call for the army geologist.

MDMA is another name for Ecstasy.

XTC - Sgt. Rock Is Going To Help Me



Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad on a Sunday morning? Is it the knowledge that we'll have to wait another week for more Saturday Snapshots? That's Natural Blues, right there...

Randy Tuesdays #5: Not Actually A Member Of The Band

5. Randy Fitzsimmons

Randy Fitzsimmons is chief songwriter and manager for Swedish band The Hives, although he doesn't appear to actually play or perform with the band. As such, finding a photo of him was rather difficult. The internet claims that's him in the middle, with the glasses on, standing in between Iggy and Ringo. And, let's face it, if you get to stand in between Iggy and Ringo, with Jimmy Page close by, you've pretty much made it.

I like The Hives a lot whenever I listen to them. I don't listen to them a lot. Somehow, I manage to have accumulated four CDs by them, which I guess means they end up in charity shops a lot, since I've never bought one through more legitimate means. No surprise then, to see Charity Chic feature the band earlier on this month... although I was rather miffed when he selected my two favourite songs: Main Offender and Hate To Say I Told You So. Still, there's plenty more to go at, even though they do all start to sound the same after a while.

One thing I really like about The Hives is that they must be the most self-referential band in rock. I can find about half a dozen song titles wherein they directly reference themselves, and I only own a fraction of their output. These include: T.H.E. H.I.V.E.S.; The Hives Meet The Norm, The Hives Introduce The Metric System In Time, The Hives Declare Guerre Nucleair (which I'm guessing is French for the main aim of Donald Trump's presidency) and this... which is an instrumental. I don't often feature instrumentals here because, you know, I'm a lyrics kid. So whenever I do feature an instrumental, it has to be pretty cool...



Oh, and finally, I thought I'd throw in a link to lounge supremo Richard Cheese's cover of HateTo Say I Told You So because it's... niiiiice.

That's half my Randies done. Have I included your favourite yet?

My Top Ten Secretary Songs

Ten songs to help run your office...


10. Paul McCartney - Temporary Secretary

Many years ago, I remember reading an article arguing that this was the worst song Sir Thumbsaloft had ever recorded. Personally, I disagree - and not just because he's done much worse things over the last 30 years. Listening to it again now, I think he accidentally created the soundtrack to a lot of ZX Spectrum games in the 80s... and a fair bit of early 90s dance music obviously used this track as a template.

The lyrics are bollocks though.

9. The Raconteurs - Intimate Secretary

Not to be outdone by Lord Macca, here Jack White and Brendan Benson elevate bollocks lyrics to an artform. Almost.

I've got a rabbit, it likes to hop
I've got a girl and she likes to shop
The other foot looks like it won't drop
I had an uncle but he got shot

8. Betty Wright - Secretary

A rather old-fashioned warning to housewives... is your husband's secretary putting a little joy in your man's life?

7. Joy Rider & Avis Davis - Nasty Secretary

A lost punk gem from 1979 New York. Not really sure why Joy's got it in for this particular secretary, except the lady in question won't seem to put her calls through...

Get it straight, yer boss is a jerk
He pays you like a peon and he treats you like dirt
If you're good he'll send you away, down to Miami for a week with no pay...

The Hives did a pretty cool cover of this too.

Quick tip - don't google search 'Nasty Secretary' at work... or you might be looking for a new job by the end of the day. 

See also Stewart Copeland's Klark Kent - Office Girls. More secretary punk, this time from a UK Police-man.

6. Soft Cell - Facility Girls

Marc Almond's secretary may be a bright young thing with a promising career... but what is she at night?

She's got the ability
She's got the facilities...

5. Belle & Sebastian - Step Into My Office, Baby

A little gender equality: here Stuart Murdoch plays a male secretary who gets eaten alive by his new female boss. She's got an out tray full of guys...

4. Harry Chapin - Halfway to Heaven

Another classic story song from the late, great Harry C, one of the best midlife crisis records I've ever heard. A tragic tale of a middle aged man risking everything for a misguided fling with his secretary...

God damn, I'm one crazy mixed up mixture of a man...

3. Billie Jo Spears - Mr. Walker, It's All Over

Probably the best song purely about the perils of being a secretary... it should really be Number One, but I follow my own weird rules round these parts, which is why these lists are nothing more than internet detritus. Don't take them seriously...

In this building there's a crowd of guys with old familiar thoughts upon their minds
That's a lot of hands a reaching out to grab the things that I consider mine
And the president pursues me even though he's old and hair a turnin' white
Mr Walker it's all over I don't like the New York secretary's life!

2. Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

Justin Currie's ode to mundane loneliness only features secretaries in its opening lines, but it remains one of the best singles of the 80s in my humble opinion... I'd feature it here every week if I could. 

Post office clerks put up signs saying 'Position Closed'
And secretaries turn off typewriters and put on their coats...

1. Dolly Parton - 9 To 5

Although the movie focused on rebellious secretaries, the song itself could be adopted by any working Jo (or Joe) who spends their life just putting money in the boss man's wallet...

They let you dream
Just a watch 'em shatter
You're just a step on the boss man's ladder
But you got dreams he'll never take away

In the same boat with a lot of your friends
Waitin' for the day your ship'll come in
And the tide's gonna turn
And it's all gonna roll you away

Which one is taking your calls?

My Top Ten Boom Songs

It amazes me sometimes what I find to make a Top Ten out of...

There were many, many truly awful records with the word Boom in the title... but you won't find the likes of The Outhere Brothers, The Vengaboys, N-Tyce or Shaggy cluttering up this chart.

10. Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Boom Boom (Shake The Room)

You will, however, find Will Smith and that other bloke, if only because I'm feeling nostalgic for 1993. For a limited time only.

Don't worry, this list does get better...

9. Westworld - Sonic Boom Boy

...but perhaps not quite yet.

Those people who say the 80s have a lot to answer for... they might be right.

8. The Shangri-Las- Sophisticated Boom Boom

Now this, this is more like it.

Better yet, this is from a compilation album which describes the Shangri-Las as "The Myrmidons of Melodrama". Which would make Morrissey proud. Except for the fact that "Myrmidons", despite how fancy it sounds, were either vicious warriors, unscrupulous ruffians, loyal followers or "ant-people", depending on which Ancient Greek translation you want to follow. None of which does any kind of justice to the mighty, mighty Shangri-Las. Mermaids of Melodrama, perhaps?

7. James - Boom Boom

Tim Booth's tribute to Basil Brush. No, really, Mr. Roy.

6. Warren Zevon - Boom Boom Mancini

I was saving this for my Top Ten Boxing Songs, but who knows when I'll get round to that?

Hurry home early - hurry on home
Boom Boom Mancini's fighting Bobby Chacon

5. John Lee Hooker - Boom Boom

And now, I'm gonna shoot you right down.

4. Flight of the Conchords - Boom

Oh my God. She's so hot. She's so flippin' hot. She's like a curry.
I want to tell her how hot she is, but she'll think I'm being sexist.
She's so hot she's making me sexist.
Bitch.

3. Imelda May - Johnny's Got A Boom Boom

And Imelda's got a quiff to make Morrissey jealous.

2. The Crew Cuts - Sh-Boom (Life Could Be A Dream)

Hey nonny ding dong, alang alang alang
Boom ba-doh, ba-doo ba-doodle-ay

They don't write 'em like that anymore.

1. The Hives - Tick Tick... Boom!

The Hives were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. But this one blows the roof off too.




Those were my boombastic belters... but which one makes your heart go boom?

My Top Ten Olympic Songs

So the Olympics are here, and even I can't avoid them...

But I promise, you won't find any songs specifically written for the Games here... because songs written for sporting events are usually pretty dreadful. As Muse have confirmed.

I'll get onto songs about specific sports - running, jumping, Top Ten Songs About The Shot Put, et al. - in the next few posts. First though, a random smattering of Olympic themed tunes...

10. Green Day - Nice Guys Finish Last

Green Day finish last... could this be the nicest song of the ten?

9. The Hives - Dead Quote Olympics

Yes they were smart but they're dead
And you're repeating all that they said
You know it don't make you clever like you thought it would

8. The Donnas - The Gold Medal

7. Lush - Olympia

Will I ever be Olympia?

6. Soft Cell - Torch

5. Kurt Vile - Runner Ups

If it ain’t workin’, take a whiz on the world

Come on, Kurt - have some dignity in defeat.

4. Peter Gabriel (with Kate Bush) - Games Without Frontiers

And the medal for whistling tunes and kissing baboons in the jungle goes to...

3. The Decemberists - The Sporting Life

Everyone had hopes for Colin Meloy's sporting prowess... his dad, his coach, his girlfriend... but he lets them all down in championship style here. An anthem for those of us who were always last to be chosen for the team. (See also Billy Bragg's The Boy Done Good, though I'm saving that for if I ever do a football Top Ten. However unlikely that may be.)

2. Belle & Sebastian - The Stars of Track and Field

Could I write a piece about you now that you've made it?
About the hours spent, the wilderness in your training
You only did it so that you could wear
Your terry underwear
And feel the city air
Run past your body

1. Gene - Olympian

If they were handing out medals for underrated bands, Gene would get the gold.



Which Olympic tune gets your gold medal?