Alice Cooper - Nobody Likes Me
There’s this guy I work with who is, to put it bluntly, a
bit of a dick. We’ll call him Bob. Because his name is Robert Brown and his
address is 32 Acacia Gardens, LS3 6JN. OK, I made that up for the purpose of
the joke. He’s not really called Bob. That is his actual address though, if you
want to go push rotting vegetables through his letterbox.
Prince - Bob George
The interesting thing about Bob is that I’m not the only one
who thinks he’s a dick. Everyone in our office feels the same. (Fortunately, he
doesn’t work in our office, he’s in the one down the corridor. Yet I seriously
suspect that many of the people who work in that office also think he’s a dick.)
I Don't Know How But They've Found Me - Nobody Likes The Opening Band
However, Bob is not, on the surface, an unpleasant person.
He’ll always say hello with a smile and ask how you’re doing. And he’ll tip his
head slightly to one side as you answer, to show that he’s listening. But
surface is all it is. You can just tell. Underneath he’s shallow and
self-important, probably lazy, vain and dishonest: a textbook narcissist.
Go-Kart Mozart - We're Selfish & Lazy & Greedy
Given that the people I work with all have different likes and
dislikes, different interests, cares and concerns (although they’re all pretty
decent folk – no Tories, for example), how come we’ve all arrived, pretty
independently, at the same conclusion when it comes to Bob? We don’t share the
same unified opinion about everyone else in the world – certain of my
colleagues might even have a good word to say about Tom Hanks, Noel
Gallagher or Scrappy Doo, for example, and I won’t hold it against them. So why do we all think
Bob is a dick?
The Wedding Present - Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft
Scientists and psychologists have a number of answers for
the Everyone Thinks He’s A Dick phenomenon. The first of those is plain,
old-fashioned narcissism. You’re probably aware that the word comes from Narcissus,
a character from Ovid's Metamorphoses who is cursed by the gods to fall in love
with his own reflection. When he realises his reflection won’t ever love him
back, he dies of a broken heart. In the early 20th century, various
psychoanalysts began to use the term narcissism to refer to people who are
condescending, feel superior to others, are preoccupied with admiration, and
exhibit a lack of empathy. Just like Bob.
Trixie's Big Red Motorbike - Norman And Narcissus
On a side note, I was interested to read that German
psychoanalyst Karen Horney believed narcissism existed on a sliding scale “that
ranged from healthy self-esteem to a pathological state”. Which suggests that
the only way you can claim not to be a narcissist is if you believe you’re
actually a bit rubbish. I guess I’m safe there then.
Hapshash & The Coloured Coat - Blue Narcissus
Beyond narcissism, we get to a more modern definition
of why everyone thinks Bob is a dick: affective presence. Coined by
psychologists Noah Eisenkraft and Hillary Anger Elfenbein as recently as 2010,
their study suggests that some people have the gift – or the curse – to make
everyone feel good about them… or to think they’re a dick.
Mindtools
explains…
Some individuals exert a palpable emotional influence that
can either make others feel at ease, or uneasy.
Satan's Rats - You Make Me Sick
Affective presence refers to how we make other people feel, just by being around them, regardless of our own emotions or intentions. It's
an overall, lasting effect we leave on others.
Swans - You Fucking People Make Me Sick
The researchers were clear to draw a line between affective
presence and another phenomenon known as “emotional contagion” – which is
basically how happy people might make you feel more happy and miserable people might make you want to slit your own wrists. (Besides, we all know this isn’t always
the case – overly positive people can be a pain in the arse, whereas
depressives with a sense of humour can sometimes cheer you up… I hope, anyway.)
The Skodas - Everybody Thinks Everybody Else Is Dead Bad
Scientific
American drills into the affective presence research in a little more
depth, revealing an interesting nugget that I’ll leave you to ponder on, as it
seems to me to be at the root of Bob’s problems…
In the research group, people who “described themselves as
both ‘extroverted’ and ‘disagreeable’ were more likely to have a negative
effect on” others. You may well ask why anyone would go out of their way to
describe themselves as ‘disagreeable’? (I’m not sure Bob would… but then, I’m
trying to limit the time I spend in his presence, so I’m not going to ask him). It's an interesting combination though - somewhere between Timmy Mallett and Jeremy Clarkson. Now imagine having to work with that!
