Title Fight #9: Jam After School

Welcome back to my appreciation of song titles that leap off the record sleeve and demand to be listened to. The songs themselves might not always live up to the hype, but they're usually worthy of at least a little consideration.

Diana Ross is clearly one very tough cookie - and not someone I'd get in a boxing ring with, since she has a history of taking few prisoners. Whatever personality flaws she may or may not possess, there's no denying the power of her musical legacy. The Supremes, for me at least, were supreme... and her solo years are full of gems too, with a little sifting. Title-wise, this is probably my favourite song she's performed on. It makes you wonder why a certain Manchester Miserablist never thought to cover it...

Diana Ross & The Supremes - Misery Makes Its Home In My Heart

Another seemingly indestructible woman from the world of pop is Skin from Skunk Anansie. She always looks like the type to knock you down as soon as look at you... though she also possesses a welcome self-awareness, as demonstrated below... 

Skunk Anansie - It Takes Blood And Guts To Be This Cool But I'm Still Just A Cliché

Makes you wonder if Skin was channeling the late Poly Styrene...

X-Ray Spex - I Am A Cliché

When it came to self-awareness, Poly was definitely ahead of the pack...

X-Ray Spex - I Am A Poseur 

...though you can take that self-deprecation shtick a little too far, Poly...

X-Ray Spex - I Can't Do Anything

Especially when, if we're talking about song titles, you go down in history as having written one of the absolute greats...

Resilience and determination are also on display from our next lady. Barbara Brown hailed from Memphis in the early 60s, signing a deal with Stax that really was a family affair - sisters Roberta, Betty and Maurice (?) were on backing vocals, while brothers Walter and Richard contributed to the songwriting. 

Barbara & The Browns - If I Can't Run To You, I'll Crawl 

Still in the southern States, but a few decades later, we find a lady called Keri Leigh, presumably helping clean the floor so that Barbara can crawl on it. I couldn't find much about Keri on the web of lies, but this track came from a collection I've been dipping into lately called The Last Soul Company: Malaco - A 30 Year Restrospective.

Keri Leigh - Here's Your Mop, Mr. Johnson

Back up to date - almost, because this is from Dry Cleaning's debut EP of 2019, though it's recently been remastered and made all sparkly. I hope you enjoy the wonderful stream-of-consciousness wordplay and deadpan vocals of Florence Cleopatra Shaw as much as I do. 

Imaginary hot romance with Daniel Day Lewis
Welcome to the county of Hampshire
Jam after school

Dry Cleaning - Jam After School

Here's another southern diva, a lady who's mostly known around these parts for warning you not to mess with her toot toot. Scratch below the surface, and Ms. LaSalle (real name: Ora Denise Allen) had an enviable career as a smooth soul chanteuse, songwriter, producer and record company boss. Here's a great little number from her back catalogue, and a title that raises all kinds of questions...

Denise LaSalle - Your Husband Is Cheating On Us

And finally, we have the return of a band who haven't made music together in 35 years. Back in the late 80s, they released one classic album, then started working on a second... which never really happened. A jumbled collection of b-sides and out-takes appeared in its place, and that was all she wrote. Lead singer Eddi Reader went off to a solo career, while guitarist Mark Nevin co-wrote Morrissey's most underappreciated album, Kill Uncle, and a bunch of other stuff he kept to himself. They finally appear to have patched up their differences though, and the result sounds as though they've never been away. Great title too...

 

Product Placement #25: Weetabix

Hands up if you had your mum buy Weetabix just so you could get the free gifts?

I found a website that details all the free gifts given away inside a packet of Weetabix, from the 1930s to the present day. I remembered quite a few of them from the 70s and 80s. 

They don't have free gifts inside Weetabix anymore. Further evidence, if evidence were truly required, that life was so much better when we were kids. 

As discussed last week, I couldn't eat Weetabix with cold milk, so I had hot milk (which made them dissolve into a paste) and a large spoonful of Golden Syrup to make them palatable. Sam eats his with just cold milk, nothing else. He's a much healthier child than I was. 

Here are some songs that mention Weetabix, starting, of course, with Mark E. Smith...

Real ale, curry as well - sophisticate!
Spanish guitar doesn't get far
In computer teaching job
His dreamgirl sings adverts for the Weetabix
A fancied wit that's imitation of Rumpole of Bailey

The Fall - Mere Pseud Mag. Ed.

The Seahorses were John Squire's band after he fell out with Ian Brown. I see John's working with Liam Gallagher these days. He obviously has a penchant for collaborating with Neanderthals.

Please, may I leave the table? I don't think that I'll be able

To swallow your family values again today

Because a giant squid, he stole my wife and kid

Full story and pix, ten pence off your Weetabix, yeah, yeah

The Seahorses - Suicide Drive

Louise is gluten free. She has, on occasion, tried that dietary alternative to Weetabix. Although these guys don't recommend it...

I would rather die than eat gluten-free Weet-Bix!

Tutant Meenage Neetle Teetles - Gluten-Free Weetbix

For many people though, Weetabix are symbolic of the start of the day. This probably rings a bell for a few people...

Kids to school, waking up at 6

Half asleep and making baby bowls of Weetabix

Now dogs keep barking and the neighbours start shouting

And next thing I know my eyes closed, just despairing

Ghostpoet - Longing For The Night (Yeah Pause)

At least Jilted John gets a bit longer in bed...

I got up at half past six

And had two Weetabix

And then I put my Parka on

And went into the street

Jilted John - The Paperboy Song

For Lindisfarne's Alan Hull though, Weetabix is part of a much bigger breakfast...

Intimate breakfast scene: sausage, egg and beans

Weetabix, jam, lightly grilled brown ham

Alan Hull - Breakfast

Greedy git. These days, I just have a coffee. And some of us are struggling with our budgets, Alan - take this dude, for instance...

I want to dine out in style but I'm bloody skint

I've got 27p and a Polo mint

And a natural aversion to another buttered Weetabix

MJ Hibbert & The Validators - Good Cooking

While Poly Styrene appears to be a bit confused about what Weetabix are for...

My mind is like a plastic bag

That corresponds to all those ads

It sucks up all the rubbish

That is fed in through by ear

I eat Kleenex for breakfast

And use soft hygienic Weetabix

To dry my tears

X-Ray Spex - Plastic Bag

My most important discovery today was that Goths like Weetabix too...

Tune into the horror

This is Dracula's daughter

There is a coffin and crucifix too

And then just after the struggle

With the good and the evil

There's a Weetabix advert to view

Lestat - Awake & Watching

We end with the closing track from Robyn Hitchcock's debut solo album from 1981, Black Snake Diamond Röle. It's a Love song...

The gnomes are moving through the night

They sing and fiddle with delight

And we eat Weetabix and sing

About the joys that love can bring

Ah, ah, ah, ah - if they ever come...

Have you had yours?

Product Placement #24: Wimpy

Before the Red Weed of McDonalds conquered the world, if we fancied a quick burger, we all headed out to our local Wimpy Bar. Back in the 80s, Wimpy was pretty much your only option for fast food in the UK, beyond more traditional fare such as fish and chips or pie and peas. In the 90s, many Wimpys were transformed into Burger Kings (same parent company), though Huddersfield still has an actual original Wimpy, in the same place it was when I was a kid. I have to confess I haven't been in there for 40-odd years, but if you held a gun to my head, I'd choose it over the golden arches or a flame-grilled Whopper, if only for nostalgia's sake.

The word "Wimpy" appears in thousands of songs, mostly as a pejorative that has nothing to do with the burger chain. I listened to them all, just in case. Here are a few songs that did have a more direct connection, starting with the lesser-known titular mentions...

The Plague - Wimpy Bar Song

Ram John Holder - Wimpy Bar Blues

Colin Lloyd Tucker - Bluebird and the Wimpy Bar Kid

Let's start our lyrical nods in the days before T-Rex...

Wimpy bar misfit, I don't wanna be
Like Billy the kid left hangin' from no tree

Marc Bolan - Misfit

Meanwhile, Pauline Black clearly has some Wimpy-related trauma in her past...

Oranges spinning in a Wimpy bar

Although she knows it's not the same

She sits and wonders where it all went wrong

Wraps her coat around her pain

The Selecter - Vicky's Magic Garden

And now, especially for George, some vintage Genesis prog-bollocks...

Citizens of Hope and Glory
Time goes by, it's the time of your life
Easy now, sit you down
Chewing through your Wimpy dreams
They eat without a sound
Digesting England by the pound

Genesis - Driving With The Moonlit Knight

In a similarly nonsensical vein, I have to wonder if there was something more than meat in Poly Styrene's Wimpy... 

I drove my polypropolene
Car on wheels of sponge
Then pulled into a Wimpy bar
To have a rubber bun

X-Ray Spex - The Day the World Turned Day-Glo

Back in the 80s, Ralph Rabie was a South African singer songwriter who used the stage-name Johannes Kerkorrel to protest against Apartheid. His song Hillbrow became a big hit in Belgium and The Netherlands. Proving that Wimpy Bars had, at one point at least, taken over the world...  

Ou man sit by die straatkafees

En kyk al die mense loop heen-en-weer

Boemelaars raas by die Wimpy Bar

Translated from Afrikaans...

Old man sitting at the street cafes

And look at all the people walking back and forth

Hobos rave at the Wimpy Bar

Johannes Kerkorrel - Hillbrow

Actually, "the world" is probably pushing it. But Wimpy's were very popular in South Africa, which is also where these guys came from...

Strum on your mandolin and play your guitar

Take all your problems to the Wimpy Bar

Falling Mirror - What Are We Here For?

Actually, The Wimpy Bar started out in the good old US of A. However, the only American singer I can find who mentions them is the amazing Mr. Byrne, although he's referring to J Wellington Wimpy, Popeye's cartoon friend who inspired the name of the Wimpy Bar.

It goes back to Wimpy lookin’ cross eyed 

For a juicy hamburger 

Like they don’t make anymore

David Byrne - It Goes Back

Back in the UK, Tom Robinson only frequented his local Wimpy to keep out of the cold...

Eat at the Wimpy or freeze on the street

And hope we don't know anybody we meet

Sector 27 - Where Can We Go Tonight?

(Sadly, in the TV version that's on the tube of you, they appear to have made Tom change the lyrics to "Eat in the chippy", which doesn't make any sense, because you don't eat in the chippy, you buy your food and then go back out into the cold. Stupid BBC.)

My overall take home from today's investigations is that Wimpy's were a crap place to take someone on a date (even if it was cold, Tom). Although clearly nobody told Ian Anderson that...

Take you to the cinema

And leave you in a Wimpy Bar

You tell me that we've gone too far

Jethro Tull - Up To Me

I have to wonder if Ian's date was Julz Sale from Leeds post-punk band Delta 5. That might explain the little second person rant with which we close today's proceedings: another gem from Cherry Red's tremendous Where Were You? compilation.

Who took me to the Wimpy for a big night out?

You you you YOU!

Neverending Top Ten #4.6: The Internet

"I can update my football wall-chart now because I checked the Premier League scores in computer class today."

"You want to be careful about that, Sam. You'll get in trouble for surfing the internet when you're supposed to be doing schoolwork."

"It's OK, I closed the tab afterwards."

So. That boat has launched then.

Lora Logic was the saxophone player in the original incarnation of X-Ray Spex. Twenty odd years later, she put out this. But that was back in 2001, when the internet seemed relatively innocent... compared to today, at least.

It's scary being the parent of an 8 year old, knowing there's very little I can do to protect him from this...

Saturday Snapshots #170 - MY TOP TEN BAG SONGS

 

How do you all get on with the new Saturday Snapshots then?

Hopefully you all gave it a (Vig)go.

The link, as I'm sure you worked out, was...

MY TOP TEN BAG SONGS

10. Use what!?!

An anagram for Wheatus.

Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

9. Wireless boss.

Radiohead - Airbag

That would be a Radio Head.

8. Biblical king, girl in the ring.

King James made Bibles.

Brown Girl In The Ring.

James Brown - Papa's Got A Brand New Bag

7. Mad king chooses Gerry's street.

The mad king was George.

Gerry Rafferty sung about Baker Street.

The George Baker Selection - Little Green Bag

6. Forces awhirl.

Another anagram...

Chris Farlowe - Handbags & Gladrags

5. University head released from prison.

The Dean is a freed man.

Dean Friedman - Shopping Bag Ladies

4. I can see your underwear!

Because I'm wearing X-ray Spex!

X-Ray Spex - Plastic Bag

3. Pork scratchings?

Pork scratchings are like little bits of pig in a bag.

Pigbag - Papa's Got A Brand New Pigbag

2. Not a Lott.

Pixies, but not Pixie Lott.

Pixies - Bagboy

1. Known for causing an uproar.

Lloyd Cole, famous for his Commotions.

More tension next week...

Saturday Snapshots #68 - The Answers

Imagine all the people who can't work out the answers to Saturday Snapshots! How Do You Sleep when there's one you just can't get?

A pretty even spread of marks this week, with lots of you working together to piece together the clues. Charity Chic won with 3 whole points, but well done to Walter, Chris, Alyson, Rigid Digit and C for sterling efforts - and a welcome return from George, who christened the Christians.

Of course, I did goof pretty badly on the photo for clue 2. More on that below. Hang my head in shame. Oh, Nobody Told Me there'd be days like these... we better get some answers!


10. Neneh's spirit adds to division.

Neneh Cherry.

Spirit = ghost.

Adding & division are basic things you do in Mathematics.

Cherry Ghost - Mathematics

9. Denying the assassination, Lee takes the third train track to insanity.

When Lee Harvey Oswald denied killing JFK, he claimed to be just a patsy.

The third train track might be the C-Line.

Patsy Cline - Crazy

8. Apostles clean up the town.

The Christians - Hooverville

7. F1 equestrian assassins.

Formula 1 involves racing cars.

Racing Cars - They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

6. Piercing vision refuses gimp outfit.

X-Ray Spex would give you piercing vision.

X-Ray Spex - Oh Bondage, Up Yours!

5. Tiny heads home for a quiet weekend.

Tiny heads would have small faces.

Hello, Mrs. Jones - how's your Bert's lumbago?

Mustn't grumble...

The Small Faces - Lazy Sunday

4. Big bad Wonderland. When will they be famous?

Big Bad Wolf + Alice In Wonderland.

Bros sang When Will I Be Famous.

Wolf Alice - Bros

3. Alien pal phones Morrissey because he hasn't had a good mope in ages.

ET's pal was Elliot. ET wanted his help to "phone home".

Morrissey was a Smith.

If you haven't had a good mope in ages, you probably miss misery.

Elliot Smith - Miss Misery

2. LimbibingA, futuristic fibre truck.

To explain how I ended up posting the wrong image for this clue... and bizarrely ended up posting a second picture of Wolf Alice, here's the google image search I used...

My lesson here is to never trust the NME. That bottom left pic - as C rightly identified - is another picture of Wolf Alice... even though the New Musical Morons have labelled it as a band from 20 earlier.

Despite all that, nobody got my clue (or at least, not as I type this). Hopefully it'll be self-explanatory now...

Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In LA

1. Fatal Moe indicates his way to heaven.

Fatal Moe is an anagram.

The indicator is a light that flashes on your dashboard.

Heaven is paradise.



Saturday Snapshots is finished for this week. Don't worry - next Saturday morning, it'll be (Just Like) Starting Over...

My Top Ten High Street Retailer Songs Vol. 1

A visit to the cinema on one of the nearby retail parks earlier this week confirmed that Toys-Я-Us has finally gone the way of the dinosaurs. I felt a bit sad about this, not through any loyalty to a huge American company which was too lazy to spell its name properly (or get its letters the right way round), but because I often popped in there if I had ten minutes to spare before a movie, to see if they had any toys Sam might be interested in that weren't extortionately priced. This got me thinking about all the big high street names we've lost over the last few years, and once again I felt a twinge of nostalgic sadness for the stores of olde that we'll never see again. Many of them have been immortalised in popular song though. Here are ten great examples (of songs, not stores)...

10. They Might Be Giants - Toddler Hiway 

A second appearance this week for TMBGs, with one of their earliest tracks, taken directly from their 1985 demo tape for inclusion on their self-titled debut album. Just 26 seconds of goodness...

In the mornin' sun 'round seven o'clock

The parking lot fills around Toys-Я-Us

And my little girl, she will get away

Ride her bike down Toddler Hiway

Take your Close'n'Play

Toddler Hiway

9. Manic Street Preachers - Sculpture Of Man

The shop most famous for selling that poster of a tennis player scratching her bum causes the Manics to go on an anti-consumerist rant...

Wills and Harry dressed in drag

Standing over the sodomised body of their mother

Would make a beautiful poster in Athena

8. Andy Bell - Electric Blue

Sadly, the Army & Navy Store was Erasured from existence some time ago, and you probably don't want to dig too deeply into why Andy Bell was a frequent customer...

Eyes wide electric baby

All dyed in cobalt blue

Stole from the Army Navy store

Army Navy store

My dominatrix baby

Dolled up in rubber tube

Hey have you done me lately?

7. The Monochrome Set - Two Fists

Sold all their shops to WH Smiths 20 years ago. Three years earlier, The Monochrome Set wrote this...

I know you're as hot as hell and the summer is high

You've got a mind to make love but that means

Someone must die

And I can see what's coming like a rusty nail

It fits right into your world view like a wind in a sail

But that's what love is about or what else am I here for?

I guess I'll wait in John Menzies then I'll go back for more

6. Scritti Politti - Mrs. Hughes

I used to hate going in BHS when I was a kid. "It's too hot," I used to tell my mum. I'm not sure if it was too hot, because I never went in there as an adult. Then one day, it wasn't there anymore. Only Green remembers it now...

Tell me again and I'll touch Mrs. Hughes

You've got her confidence you get to choose

I can hardly refuse

Down the town center where somebody died

By British Home Stores just sitting outside

Looking self satisfied

But the point was beside

5. X-Ray Spex - Warrior In Woolworths

Poly Styrene pays tribute to the home of Pick n Mix. I had less problem with being dragged into Woolies as a kid. Bought some of my first records there too.

Warrior in Woolworths

Humble he may seem

Behind his servile innocence

He plots and he schemes

See also The Jam - Saturdays Kids...

Saturday's girls work in Tescos and Woolworths

4. Nick Heyward - These Words

Nicest pop star I ever met. Have I said that before?

Homebase, on the other hand: just too bloody expensive to survive.

I love Elvis

She loves Woodstock

I love Homebase

She loves sunblock

How many times can you make a stand

To fall from the highest of all you've said and done?

3. T-Rex - Misfit 

Long before McDonalds, there was Wimpy. Marc Bolan was buying his burgers there way back in 1966!

Wimpy bar misfit

I don't wanna be

Like Billy the kid

Left hangin' from no tree.

See also Jethro Tull - Up To Me...

Take you to the cinema

And leave you in a Wimpy Bar 

You tell me that we've gone too far 

Come running up to me

2. The Specials - Man At C&A

Even nuclear war does not phase the man at C&A.

I'm the man in grey, 

I'm just the man at C&A

And I don't have a say 

In the war games that they play

See also Half Man Half Biscuit - Venus In Flares...

The man behind the mask at C&A’s was quite polite

He said that when I wore my mac I wouldn't have to fight

1. The Freshies - I'm In Love With The Girl On The Manchester Virgin Megastore Check-out Desk

What Frank Sidebottom did before he became Frank Sidebottom... hung around the Virgin Megastore all Saturday...

It has to be said that if you were a young lady when I was growing up, then 10 points were immediately added to your sex appeal if you worked in a record shop. Whether you would actually want to appeal to the sort of losers who spent all their Saturday afternoons flicking through the racks... well, that's another matter entirely.

Nobody is allowed to mourn the Virgin Megastore for one simple reason: Richard Branson is a dick.



Any old stores in your record collection? Or have the all closed down?