What do you think?
Rate this book
No Happy Endings
Nominated for the 2017 Anthony Award for Best Novella
Fantine Park is not the woman her mother was — she’s certainly not the safecracker her mother was either. Hell, she’s not much of anything useful these days. Fresh off parole after a stint in the joint for a poorly thought out casino robbery, Fantine finds herself confronted by an old partner of her mother’s and right back in the thick of it.
Unfortunately, the man dragging her back to the life she left behind, one Aleksei Uryvich, is a complete bully and an idiot — content to believe he can get anything he wants with his brutish nature and the threat of a bullet for Fan’s elderly father, Jae.
The semen. Yes, semen. Gallons of it. Particularly, the genetic man-batter from supposed Ivy Leaguers and other elite. The material nets top dollar from Asia and Aleksei is foaming at the mouth at the profit potential.
The there is no real plan. Fantine has to get it out of Evensight Storage; a sperm bank situated right by the Battery Park Tunnel in Manhattan. A place barely anyone but a sad sack with an empty sack sees the inside of on a day to day basis.
There’s no guarantee anyone involved in this mess is getting out alive, especially when Fantine finds herself face to face with the psychopath known as O Leiteiro — The Milkman.
Fantine Park is not the woman her mother was — she’s certainly not the safecracker her mother was either. Hell, she’s not much of anything useful these days. Fresh off parole after a stint in the joint for a poorly thought out casino robbery, Fantine finds herself confronted by an old partner of her mother’s and right back in the thick of it.
Unfortunately, the man dragging her back to the life she left behind, one Aleksei Uryvich, is a complete bully and an idiot — content to believe he can get anything he wants with his brutish nature and the threat of a bullet for Fan’s elderly father, Jae.
The semen. Yes, semen. Gallons of it. Particularly, the genetic man-batter from supposed Ivy Leaguers and other elite. The material nets top dollar from Asia and Aleksei is foaming at the mouth at the profit potential.
The there is no real plan. Fantine has to get it out of Evensight Storage; a sperm bank situated right by the Battery Park Tunnel in Manhattan. A place barely anyone but a sad sack with an empty sack sees the inside of on a day to day basis.
There’s no guarantee anyone involved in this mess is getting out alive, especially when Fantine finds herself face to face with the psychopath known as O Leiteiro — The Milkman.
- GenresSuspense
184 pages, Paperback
First published November 21, 2016
About the author
Angel Luis Colón
33 books110 followersAngel Luis Colón is the award-winning author of INFESTED and MINECRAFT: HOUSE OF HORRORS. His fiction has appeared in multiple web and print publications including Thuglit, Literary Orphans, and Shotgun Honey. His latest novel, POP! (Ruadán Books) is coming soon.
When he isn’t writing, he’s usually busy baking bread.
You can keep up with him on social media or find links to his books here https://linktr.ee/angelluiscolon
When he isn’t writing, he’s usually busy baking bread.
You can keep up with him on social media or find links to his books here https://linktr.ee/angelluiscolon
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
February 7, 2017
No Happy Endings is a trip of a book. Right from the first sentence, you know you've entered Colon's world of dark humor and interesting situations. This is tale of Fantine Park, a young safe cracker who gets mixed up in some fabulously bizarre trouble. With Colon's popping wry prose, No Happy Endings moves at a breakneck pace, is fabulously entertaining, and has one of the best female leads you'll read in a long time.
August 15, 2018
Fantine Park is a Korean-American safecracker/lock artist, who learned all she knows from her late mother. She's looking to go straight after she was caught in the aftermath of her last job. But a figure from her past reappears and using her father as leverage coerces her into pulling a bank heist. A sperm bank heist, that is.
Colon's writing here is fresh, smart and pulpy. It almost felt like watching a great New York indie film. The unique premise and great characterisation make this one an absolute treat.
My need to read Colon built from his excellent podcast, the bastard title, where he conversed with fellow authors about anything and everything. His voice and style are evident in this novella and I look forward to catching up with the recently released sequel and to many more episodes of his podcast.
Colon's writing here is fresh, smart and pulpy. It almost felt like watching a great New York indie film. The unique premise and great characterisation make this one an absolute treat.
My need to read Colon built from his excellent podcast, the bastard title, where he conversed with fellow authors about anything and everything. His voice and style are evident in this novella and I look forward to catching up with the recently released sequel and to many more episodes of his podcast.
July 2, 2017
The first order of business for me when reading Angel Luis Colón's
No Happy Endings
(Down & Out Books) was getting myself out of the rollicking NYC universe of The Fury of Blacky Jaguar (review) and planted into the Fantine Park's New York which is at the minimum more structured.
At its core, No Happy Endings is a heist novella and as most heist stories go, it goes pear-shaped. Colón opens the book in 2007 with a simple donation at a sperm bank. Not an ordinary sperm bank, it turns out to be something out of the movie Clockwork Orange. I did not and will not do any research on the workings of this mechanical sperm extraction — I'll take Colón's word for it.
The next chapter set in 2007 introduces us to Park, a young Korean-American who has just electronically robbed a New York horse track/casino. She is quickly tracked down and arrested in an Atlantic City casino.
The book gets it real start five years later; Park is free and no longer on parole. Just as she hopes to get her life back in order with work, not drinking, and spending time with her father, she is strong-armed into a heist by an old mob boss. As Hurricane Sandy approaches the New York metropolitan area, Park balances the threats against her father and herself with planning a heist of the sperm bank. The relationship between Park and her father is a beautiful detail that Colón come back to several times.
At its core, No Happy Endings is a heist novella and as most heist stories go, it goes pear-shaped. Colón opens the book in 2007 with a simple donation at a sperm bank. Not an ordinary sperm bank, it turns out to be something out of the movie Clockwork Orange. I did not and will not do any research on the workings of this mechanical sperm extraction — I'll take Colón's word for it.
The next chapter set in 2007 introduces us to Park, a young Korean-American who has just electronically robbed a New York horse track/casino. She is quickly tracked down and arrested in an Atlantic City casino.
The book gets it real start five years later; Park is free and no longer on parole. Just as she hopes to get her life back in order with work, not drinking, and spending time with her father, she is strong-armed into a heist by an old mob boss. As Hurricane Sandy approaches the New York metropolitan area, Park balances the threats against her father and herself with planning a heist of the sperm bank. The relationship between Park and her father is a beautiful detail that Colón come back to several times.
He took the beer with a small nod. Held it back up to her. “You act like these hands can open this goddamn thing.”
Fantine smirked and opened the bottle with a twist. “You whine like a baby.” She handed it over.
“I am a baby. That’s what happens when we get old. We all turn into toddlers. Gonna need diapers soon.”
“Toddlers are easier to deal with.” Fantine pulled a chair next to her father and slumped into it. The back pinched her shoulders, but she dealt with it.
Jae took a small sip of his beer and smiled. “Took my pills for the day, but I can’t say I care if this interferes with anything.” He smiled. “Your mother hated beer. Said it was for poor people.”
“Yet we lived in a two-bedroom apartment my whole life.”
“She was cheap.”
Fantine laughed. “No shit.”
Colón explains the Chinese black market for American sperm, but the story is so good in No Happy Endings we don't care — a good example of how to build a useful (or useless) MacGuffin. Instead, we root for Park to navigate through the assorted criminals who try to deter her all the while she tries to keep her humanity.
December 11, 2016
Angel Colón, you are a twisted fellow...and that is a term of praise. The "high concept" here was a great intuitive flash, and the way it's executed is a lot of nasty fun. As others have noted, Fantine Park is an original breed of heroine as well, and her family relationships (with living father and the legacy of her mother) drive the story. Much of Colón's work features New York City as a "character" too, and that is true of "No Happy Endings" -- the use of Hurricane Sandy was another winning feature.
November 10, 2016
Fantine Park is one of the most engaging protagonists to appear in a long time. Colon uses the shudder-inducing premise of a sperm bank heist to showcase wonderful dialog and genuine emotion. Colon is a name to watch.
March 7, 2017
Angel Colon is a sick, sick, man, and I say that as a compliment.
I thought I knew what I was getting into when I found out this involved a heist set in a sperm bank, but nope, I wasn't even close. From the shocking opening chapter to the very end, I found myself constantly surprised at where Colon pushed Fantine. And just when you think things can't get any worse for our safe cracking heroine, Hurricane Sandy hits.
Colon manages to walk a tightrope between the more outlandish and gonzo elements and the realistic, loving relationship between Francine and her father. One never overwhelms the other, and I can't wait to see what is up next for Fantine.
I thought I knew what I was getting into when I found out this involved a heist set in a sperm bank, but nope, I wasn't even close. From the shocking opening chapter to the very end, I found myself constantly surprised at where Colon pushed Fantine. And just when you think things can't get any worse for our safe cracking heroine, Hurricane Sandy hits.
Colon manages to walk a tightrope between the more outlandish and gonzo elements and the realistic, loving relationship between Francine and her father. One never overwhelms the other, and I can't wait to see what is up next for Fantine.
July 30, 2017
I wasn't sure what to expect when I ordered this one, but I've read and heard some of the author's shorter work and knew he could write. Knowing what to expect won't help. It's all either a spoiler or it's unexpected. Sperm bank heist is all you need to know to know whether you want to dive in or not. (If you're a fan of quirky, noirish, heist books with a equal mix of clever, stupid (on the part of the characters, not the writer), and batshit, you want to dive in.)
December 3, 2017
What else would I expect from Colón but a killer read? I dig the absurd premise, humor, and fast pacing, along with the memorable characters. Looking forward to his short story collection which will be out in the near future.
February 25, 2021
I hope this gets to be a movie sometime in the near future.
Read
July 2, 2024Fantine Park, plans that go awry, and more semen than you can shake a stick at. There’s more to Colon’s No Happy Endings for sure, but bottom line, it’s a heist tale gone wrong, or MADE wrong, but throughout fun is had indeed. Long live crime fiction! Long live the dark stuff!
February 6, 2017
So much fun- gleefully perverse and gritty.
August 15, 2017
I go this free through Goodreads Giveaways!
Very fun book. I want more stories about Fan & Jae!
Very fun book. I want more stories about Fan & Jae!
November 28, 2017
Another killer from Angel Colon. If you're a fan of clever, hilarious, fast paced, crime fiction (and who isn't?), pick this up and devour it.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews