Essay topic:
Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real
needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent you agree or disagree?
Essay Commented [ab1]: Avoid using contractions - ‘it is …’
Commented [ab2]: ‘the power of commercials’ – you
I disagree that it’s power of commercials and not the real needs of the society that results in high sales need ‘the + noun + of + noun’.
Commented [ab3]: ‘powerful’ might be a more
expressive adjective here.
of consumer goods. In my opinion, high sales of consumer goods are the result of many other factors. Commented [ab4]: ‘the strong impact’ – use ‘the’ with
the particular kind of impact (the one created by these
advertisements).
Commented [ab5]: ‘an important role’ – use ‘a/an’ with
Although many commercials of popular consumer products aim to entice prospective customers by an adjective and a singular noun when the meaning is
general.
e.g. He is a big man / this is a generous donation – every
promoting their products in a very convincing way, not all shoppers get carried away by strong impact time ‘a’.
Commented [ab6]: ‘purchasing decisions’ - you need an
adjective here. ‘Purchasing’ here is the adjective.
created by such advertisements. For many careful shoppers real needs do play important role. Other Commented [ab7]: Not really clear – the words need a
little more context – ‘a product’s utility, quality, locality’
Commented [ab8]: Don’t use this as it is informal – you
major factors that affect purchase decisions are disposable income in the hands of people to spend on could day ‘and others’ here.
Commented [ab9]: ‘the presence of shops’ – it is ok to
omit ‘the’ if there is a list of elements but you need ‘the’ as
consumer goods, standard of living, utility, quality, locality, etc. For example, presence of shops of top a rule with a singular noun + of + noun e.g. ‘the beginning of
the class’.
Commented [ab10]: ‘rich neighborhoods of society’ –
sounds more natural here.
brands in rich neighborhood of society does explain high sales and marketing strategy behind it than
Commented [ab11]: ‘them’ - referring to the ‘sales’
(plural)
power of advertisement. Commented [ab12]: ‘the power of advertising’ - is the
correct phrase here.
Advertising is how a company encourages people to buy
their products, services or ideas. ... An advertisement (or
Moreover, there are other important driving forces behind high sales of consumer products that should "ad" for short) is anything that draws good attention
towards these things
be given due amount of attention. Factors like new trend, technology, peer influence, discounts and Commented [ab13]: ‘due amount of attention’ ; ‘a / the
due amount of attention’ - a + adjective (due) and singular
noun (amount).
special offers during festivals and different seasons do contribute to high sales of consumer products. Commented [ab14]: Long lists can be unclear without
explanation -
'new trends coming onto the market, and the effect of
technology, the power of peer influence, discounts and
For example, there are special offers during New Year and Christmas due to which many malls and shops special offers during festivals' - these words are now better
contextualised.
experience high sales. Many a times just because of advancement in technology some products, like Commented [ab15]: You need punctuation to connect
this relative clause –
‘ …….., (;) due to which many malls and shops experience
mobiles and laptops, are replaced by their newer revised versions. Thus we have new iPhones’ series high sales’
[Link]
coming up one after another with equally high amount of sales for every series. So power of [Link]#complex
Commented [ab16]: ‘Many a times’ – no +s on ‘time’. I
would use a comma after this as you should after adverbial
phrases.
advertisement hardly influence purchase decisions of many shoppers.
Commented [ab17]: ‘iPhone series’ – more natural
sounding without the ‘s’.
Commented [ab18]: ‘an equally high amount of sales /
In final analysis, high sales of popular consumer products depend upon many factors .It’s not only the equally high amounts of sales’ – both are possible.
Commented [ab19]: ‘the power of advertising’ is the
correct phrase.
strong effect of advertising. Commented [ab20]: ‘influences’ – referring to ‘power’ an
uncountable noun = singular.
Commented [ab21]: ‘purchasing’
Commented [ab22]: ‘In the final analysis’
Commented [ab23]: These two sentences can be
Comments: connected - ‘high sales of popular consumer products
depend upon many factors; not only the strong effect of
advertising’
IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score [Link]
ommas/commas_vs_semicolons.html
Task Fulfilment Addresses all parts of the task.
Presents a relevant position
throughout the text. The
argument is clearly. A very good 7.5
answer. A well-supported and
developed answer.
Cohesion and Coherence Sequences information and ideas 7.5
logically – very good cohesion
within and between sentences.
There are some excellent rarer
phrases used for cohesion e.g.
‘Other major factors’. Good
support given to the main ideas in
each paragraph. Some issues with
certain sentences that could be
connected
Lexical resource Some sophisticated word choice
and quite a wide resource. Some
excellent rarer language choices
but some issues with word 7.0
choice such as ‘the power of
advertisement’ and certain
words needing to have a clearer
context i.e. the listed words you
use. However, a wide resource.
Grammatical Range A high level of sophistication – 7.0
complex sentences but the need
and accuracy for better use of punctuation
(commas) in introductory
phrases (adverbials) and to
connect sentences (semi-colons).
Quite a few mistakes; the main
being with articles, and noun
and verb agreement ‘influences’.
Overall Score: 7.0 + - a very good answer to the question with good ideas and organization.
Punctuation and certain grammar areas need a closer look.
