Act 1

Open J.D.'s bedroom. "Away" by Leroy begins to play. Close

up of a digital clock clicking over from 559 to 600. The
alarm goes off and a sock-covered foot reaches over to tap
it off. Pull back to reveal J.D., in pajama bottoms and a
t-shirt, stretched -- sideways -- across his disheveled
bed. He sits up.
J.D.'S NARRATION
Since I was a kid, I've been able
to sleep through anything -
storms, sirens, you name it. Last
night, I didn't sleep.

J.D. gets up out of bed and walks out of view. Cut to the
bathroom. J.D. fills his hand with shaving cream. In the
mirror we see him start to apply it to his face, then stop.

J.D.'S NARRATION
I guess I get a little goofy when
I'm nervous.

Cut to J.D. with shaving cream on his chest and face in a

war paint like manner and growls, then cut to J.D. with a
shaving cream bra.

J.D.'S NARRATION
You see, today isn't just any
other day. It's my first day.

Cut to J.D. standing in front of the mirror, wearing his

scrubs.

J.D. I'm the man.

Follow J.D. walking into Sacred Heart Hospital. Cut to the
interior of the hospital, with J.D. smiling. He sees sick
and injured people waiting for care. "Away" begins to slow
down and then stops.
J.D.'s narration And four years of pre-med, four years of
med school, and tons of unpaid loans have made me realize
one thing...
J.D. looks around at the patients. A blonde nurse, Nurse
Kearney, steps in front of J.D.
Nurse Kearney Good. Could you go drop an NG tube on the
patient in 234, and call the attending that the lavage is
positive?
J.D. fidgets and looks around nervously.
J.D.'s narration I don't know jack. The opening theme,
"Superman" by Lazlo Bane begins.
Act 2
Reopen in the Admissions Area of Sacred Heart Hospital,
with "DAY 1" written in the top left corner. The camera
surveys the area, showing the patients.
J.D.'s narration So, this is my story.
J.D. follows Nurse Kearney to the front desk.
J.D. Uh, I'm supposed to be up in intensive care.
Nurse Kearney Good. We just turfed him there.
J.D.'s narration Look, I became a doctor because I wanted
to help people. But orientation yesterday... it didn't
really focus on patient care.
Flaskback to the orientation in a classroom, lead by the
hospital lawyer. The interns are sitting in student desks.
The lawyer gestures a whiteboard behind him that reads
"LAWSUITS" in black, with a red x drawn over it.
Lawyer The hospital doesn't want to be sued. Being sued is
not a good thing.
Zoom in on J.D. and Turk sitting next to each other.
J.D. Hey, Turk.
Turk 'Sup.
J.D. You know how I'm totally down with the rap music?
Turk Dude, be whiter.
Turk drinks his soda, and the frame freezes.
J.D.'s narration Chris Turk's my best friend. We roomed
together in college...
Beginning of flashback. J.D. and Turk in their graduation
gowns, smiling into the camera.
J.D.'s narration We roomed together in med school...
J.D. and Turk in medical school, wearing rubber gloves,
aprons and caps, standing in front of a cadaver and smiling
into the camera.
J.D.'s narration Hell, we even got accepted by the same
hospital.
J.D. and Turk holding their acceptance papers, and hugging.
As two girls go by, they break the hug. End of flashback,
Turk puts his soda down.
J.D. Here's the thing TuPac, DMX, Dr. Dre, in most of their
songs, these artists use an extremely volatile racial
slur... the "N" word.
Turk I got it.
J.D. Right. My question is this if we're both singing
along, and knowing that otherwise I would never use the
word, am I allowed to say-
Turk No.
J.D. See, that's good for me to know. I didn't-I didn't
know that.
Cut to the whiteboard, the lawyer has added "ALCOHOL +
SURGERY = NO NO", and undelies "NO NO" several times as he
speaks.
Lawyer Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit
it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased,
and you're sure, you can feel free to tell him or her...
anything.
The lawyer laughs weakly, but no one in the room laughs
with him. He sits and drops his head to his hand.
J.D. [to Turk, softly] Hey, listen, I found us an
apartment....
Turk raises his eyebrows, but before he can say anything,
Dr. Kelso steps to the front of the room and begins
speaking.
Dr. Kelso Okay, gang. I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief
of Medicine. So, I just want to encourage you all to think
of me as your safety net. Because, I promise you, we're
family here.
Turk and J.D. smile.
Dr. Kelso Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.
Act 3
J.D. and Turk in the doctor's lounge.
Turk So, the surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.
J.D. The medical interns are having a PacMan tournament.
Shot to the backs of several people huddled around the
PacMan machine.
J.D. ...Apparently we're all twelve.
Turks laughs. Elliot comes up behind them.
Elliot I love PacMan.
J.D. Me too. I love watching it, I love playing it, I love
all of it.
Shot to Elliot, then to Turk who looks over at J.D...
Elliot I'm Elliot.
Turk [points his finger at her] Eeellliiiiooott...
Elliot Yeah. Don't do that.
J.D. I'm J.D., this is Turk.
Turk Elliot, are you medical, or surgical?
Elliot Medical.
Turk's face falls.
J.D.'s narration [while smiling at Turk] Heh-heh. [then
looking at Elliot] Hello.
Cut to J.D. and Elliot walking through a hall in the
hospital.
Elliot So, every male in my family is a doctor my dad, my
grand-dad, and my brother. I guess that's why dad gave me a
guy's name, made me play sports, date girls. I'm joking.
J.D. I know. I would have laughed if you'd paused.
Elliot and J.D. enter a stairwell.
Elliot Anyway, I know what you're thinking.
The camera zooms in on Elliot's bottom.
J.D.'s narration Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.
Cut to J.D.
J.D. No you don't.
Cut to J.D. and Elliot walking up the stairs.
Elliot I'm probably "Miss Hyper Competitive". I mean, it
used to be a big problem for me. [she laughs and then stops
to face him] "Used to" - past tense.
Suddenly she turns again and runs up the stairs.
J.D. Hey, are we, like, racing?
Elliot Yes!
She rushes up the stairs.
J.D.'s narration Please. I'm not that desperate.
Fantasy begins. '"I Want You to Want me" by Cheap Trick
plays. 'Elliot is running through the hall, and J.D. comes
around the corner in shorts and an orange, sleeveless shirt
with "33" on the chest'. Elliot looks back at him and
shouts "No!". J.D. grabs a cup of coffee from a doctor, and
pours it over his face. The finish line is shown, with
staff and patients standing behind it, cheering. J.D.
passes Elliot, and crosses the line first. Flashback ends.
Cut to J.D. doubled over, trying to catch his breath as
Elliot comes up behind him.
Elliot So, you do a lot of cardio, or...?
J.D. [out of breath] Oh, yeah.
Dr. Steadman approaches the two of them.
Dr. Steadman Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great. One I am your
resident, Dr. Jeffrey Steadman - not "Jeff". Two Here are
your manuals. This -
Dr. Steadman hands J.D. and Elliot the manuals, and
continues speaking but J.D.'s narration drowns him out.
J.D.'s narration You ever notice how quickly some people
make an impression?
Fantasy begins.
Dr. Steadman I'm a tool. I'm a tool. I'm a tool, tool,
tool, an unbelievably annoying tool.
Fantasy ends.
J.D. Yeah.
Dr. Steadman Yeah. Finally, these are your beepers [he
hands them each a beeper]. From now on, they control your
entire life. 'Kay? Thanks. Move it.
J.D. and Elliot look at the beepers, as Dr. Steadman passes
between the two of them.
J.D.'s narration Back to today.
Act 4
A Hallway J.D runs up to Carla, who is pulling a gurney.
"DAY 1 AGAIN" appears in the bottom left hand corner.
J.D. Uh, I was paged.
Carla Aww, first day, Bambi? Carla will take care of you.
(sternly) Don't look at me when we're moving someone.
J.D. (still looking) Why?
He runs right into a lamp on the wall and falls to the
ground.
We are now in a hospital ward. Carla is fiddling with the
IV drip.
Carla We're waiting for Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox enters, putting on gloves.
J.D. Hi, doctor, I'm-
Dr. Cox (interrupting) Place an IV for me.
J.D. We'll talk later.
J.D. gets to work on the patient.
Dr. Cox Carla, can I ask you a personal question? Do you
spray the perfume on or just fill your bathtub up and
splash around in it?
Carla I smell nice.
J.D.'s narration Come on, you've done this to cadavers
before. So this guy's alive, just poke it through his skin!
Poke it through! Now!
He's interrupted by one of Dr. Cox's trademark whistles.
Dr. Cox Time's up. Carla, would you do it for him, please?
I also need an A.B.G.
J.D. Why are you telling her?
Dr. Cox Shut up and watch.
Carla Be nice to Bambi!
Dr. Cox Why does this GOMER got to try and die everyday
during my lunch?
J.D. That's a little insensitive.
Dr. Cox looks at J.D. J.D. hears thunder.
J.D.'s narration Mistake.
Dr. Cox Man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he
doesn't even know we're here, he's inches from Carla's rack
and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla (sarcastically) Aww, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox (nodding) Yeah, it is.
J.D. What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox grits his teeth and goes up to the man's ear.
Dr. Cox Eisenhower was a sissy.
He rears back, fists ready. Nothing happens.
Dr. Cox I think by the grace of God we're gonna be okay.
Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're
definitely not allowed to talk.
He storms out. J.D. awkwardly waves goodbye and gestures to
the patient before giving up.
Act 5
A Hospital Ward. J.D., along with several other young
doctors, approach the bed of a patient, led by Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso Now...Dr. Dorian, can you tell me what ailment
most often....
He continues asking his question, but is drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration I think I'm gonna love rounds. It's like
being on a gameshow.
J.D. hits his imaginary buzzer, and we hear a "ding".
J.D. What is euremia?
Dr. Kelso That's my boy!
Dr. Kelso [lifting the patient's blanket] Hey, nice, clean
job on the foley catheter.
J.D.'s Narration I'd had a nurse do it. Unfortunately, I'm
still afraid to touch anybody.
J.D. looks over to the nurse who is working behind Dr.
Kelso. He puts his finger to his lips in a "shhh" gesture,
at which the nurse sort of rolls her eyes.
J.D.'s Narration I've been thinking a lot about Elliot.
Elliot suddenly runs in and joins the group.
J.D.'s Narration ...A whole lot.
Dr. Kelso Dr. Reid, you're late.
Elliot [stepping forward] I got puked on.
Dr. Kelso You're off the hook if you can tell me what to
look for in a euremic patient.
He looks at the chart he is holding.
J.D.'s Thoughts Anyway...I'm going for it.
J.D. feigns stretching as he leans over to a baffled
Elliot.
J.D. [whispering] Infection.
Elliot [to Dr. Kelso] Infection?
Dr. Kelso [looking up] That's my girl!
Elliot smiles, pleased with herself.
Dr. Kelso Moving on.
The group begins to shuffle to the next bed.
Elliot [explaining to J.D.] I knew the answer!
J.D. [not really buying it] I'm sure you did.
Elliot I was just frazzled.
J.D. Well, how could you not be....
Elliot You know with the... [she gestures to her shoulder,
where she had been puked on]
J.D. Oh, I know. Yeah.
Elliot Good. [turning to face him] But thanks. If there's
anything I can ever do for you, just---
J.D. You could let me take you to dinner tomorrow night.
She looks at him critically
J.D. Around seven.... Or eight.
Elliot Why not.
She moves on to join the rest of the group, and J.D. utters
a silent "Nice!" before catching up.
Act 6
The Doctors' Lounge J.D. sits on a couch against a window,
smiling to himself.
J.D.'s Thoughts "Why not." That's what she said. "Why not"!
He looks up to the TV in the room, which had been
displaying static. Suddenly, it shows the living room set
of a sitcom. A young boy begins talking
■ The TV Show Sequence
Boy Daddy, why did you marry mommy?
J.D. suddenly looks at the TV more closely. On the screen,
he and Elliot are in the show, sitting together on a couch
across from their "son".
J.D. [beaming] Well, Tiger, I gave her an answer during
rounds, and she screwed my brains out.
A cheesy laugh track is heard. Elliot nods happily
Boy You the man!
J.D., watching the TV, grins.
Back in the show, the boy leaves the room; Elliot looks at
J.D. seductively, then pulls her top open, revealing a lacy
red bra. She straddles his lap and they kiss passionately.
A cheesy audience hooting track, a`la "Married with
Children", is heard.
Just then, Dr. Cox pushes a sleeping old woman in a
wheelchair into the living room.
Dr. Cox What the hell are you doing?
■ End of fantasy sequence, as J.D.
looks away from the TV and
notices the exact image of Dr.
Cox from the TV show mirrored
before him in real life.
Dr. Cox Did you actually just page me to find out how much
Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lendsner?
He parks the wheelchair with the sleeping woman and stands
to face J.D.
J.D. I was worried that it could exacerbate the
patient's---
Dr. Cox It's regular-strength Tylenol! Here's what'cha do
Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at
her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D. But I---
Dr. Cox And under no circumstances are you to compromise
our "no talking" agreement.
He flops into a chair that faces away from J.D., and begins
writing in a chart.
J.D. Dr. Kelso, he's always telling me, you know, "You've
gotta stay positive!"---
Dr. Cox I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully
as possible so I don't overstate it Dr. Kelso is the most
evil human being on the planet. And may, in fact, be Satan,
himself.
J.D. It's just that, this isn't really what I expected...
You know...
Dr. Cox glances back at him.
J.D. [quietly, so the sleeping woman won't hear him] Most
of my patients are, uh...older and sorta checked-out,
mentally.
Dr. Cox Pumpkin, [he turns the chair so he's facing J.D.]
that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who
should have died a long time ago, back when they lost what
made them people.
J.D. begins making surreptitious gestures -- sort of small
facial ticks -- towards the woman in the chair.
Dr. Cox [continuing] Now, your job is to stay sane enough
so that when someone does come in that you actually can
help, you're not so brain-dead that you can't function.
[noticing J.D.'s "ticks"] For the love of God, what!?
J.D. [whispering] It's just that, do you really think we
should be talking about this in front of....
Dr. Cox Her? She's dead.
J.D. whips around to look at the woman.
Dr. Cox [standing] Write this down, newbie If you push
around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.
He bobs his eyesbrows, as if he's just imparted the secret
of the ages, then begins to walk out.
J.D. [sarcastic] You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox Fair enough, you want some real advice? If they
find out the nurses are doing your procedures for you, your
ass'll be kicked outta here so quick, it'll make your head
spin.
J.D. looks at him, bewildered.
J.D.'s Thoughts And there it is.
Dr. Cox [giving a thumb's up and a maniacal grin] Have a
terrific day.
He walks out, leaving the woman in the wheelchair. J.D.
looks over to her.
Elderly Lady [opening her eyes and looking at J.D.] I'm not
really dead.
Act 7
The Nurses' Station. Carla hands a chart across the counter
to J.D.
Carla Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lendsner's tox-screen.
J.D.'s Thoughts I wonder if Turk's having the same
experience I am.
Turk comes down the hall and approaches J.D.
Turk [pumped] I am such a stud!
J.D.'s Thoughts Probably not
Turk This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest.
I couldn't even see them! I should not be allowed to do
stuff like that. [noticing Carla] Whazzup.
Carla doesn't even look up from her work.
J.D. And you weren't scared?
Turk One way or another, everyone stops bleeding. That is
so deep.
Carla No it isn't.
Turk [to Carla] It's a little deep.
J.D. Hey, we never got to talk about the apartment, I
wanted to---
He's cut off by Todd, another surgeon dressed in green
scrubs, who approaches.
Todd [to Turk] T-man!
The two surgeons sort of grunt at each other, and exchange
high-fives, slaps, and slugs.
Turk Word up, boy; how ya doin', man.
Todd All right.
Turk All right, Todd, J.D.; J.D., this is my man, Todd.
J.D. holds up his hand to exchange high-fives with Todd;
and Todd slaps it -- hard.
J.D. Oww!
Todd laughs, and turns back to Turk. Together, they move a
few feet away from J.D. to talk. J.D. leans against the
wall, watching them.
J.D.'s Narration And like that, I was back in high school.
You see, surgical interns, they're all
slice-'em-and-dice-'em. They're the jocks. Medical interns,
we're trained to think about the body; diagnose, test.
Medical interns, well....
Todd, now finished with his discussion with Turk, comes up
to J.D.
Todd [pointing to J.D.'s chest] Hey, you got a stain.
J.D. looks down, and Todd flicks him in the nose before
laughing and walking off. J.D. smiles humbly.
J.D.'s Narration ....We're the chess club.
Act 8
The Elevator. The car is full of people waiting to reach
their floors. J.D. stands behind a wheelchair containing an
elderly man, Mr. Bursky.
Mr. Bursky [to J.D.] I just have bad gas. What are you
testing me for?
J.D. We need to know if your gas could be harmful to
others.
At that, everyone in the elevator turns to look at them,
disgusted. The doors open, and J.D. wheels Mr. Bursky out
of the elevator. He stops, placing a chart in its slot at
the Nurses' Station.
J.D.'s Thoughts He's just scared. Talk to him.
He crouches before the man.
J.D. Look, Mr. Bursky, I heard a systolic murmur in your
heart, which is most likely nothing. But if you don't let
me check you out, I'm gonna worry about you all day.
Mr. Bursky Then I'll do it. For you.
J.D. [giving him a slap on the knee] You're a good man.
Act 9
The Hospital -- exterior, daytime. "DAY TWO" Cut to
hospital interior, where J.D. is patiently standing behind
the janitor, who is on a ladder, working on an elevator
door.
The janitor glances over his shoulder at J.D.
J.D. I'm--I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor The door is broke. Maybe the fifth time or so. It
don't open.
J.D. Maybe there's a penny stuck in there?
Janitor Why a penny?
J.D. I dunno.
Janitor Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D. No. I was--I was just making small talk.
Janitor If I find a penny in there, [he puts the end of one
of his tools against J.D.'s chest] I'm taking you down.
J.D. looks worried as the janitor taps him on the chin with
the tool.
Act 10
A Hospital Ward. A group of young doctors, J.D. and Elliot
among them, follow Dr. Kelso to one of the beds.
Dr. Kelso Welcome to rounds, kids. Let's---
He continues speaking, but is drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration Elliot is the only thing keeping me from
losing my mind. She's my dream girl.
Dr. Kelso [continuing] ...The necrosis and infected stool
most likely indicate what, Dr...... Dorian?
Since J.D. was paying closer attention to Elliot standing
beside him, he is put on the spot.
■ Fantasy Shot A dark highway.
There is the sound of a truck as bright lights approach
J.D., dressed in scrubs and deer antlers, who stands
directly in the middle of the road.
J.D. looks over to Elliot for help.
Elliot [whispering] I don't know!
Dr. Kelso looks at him expectantly.
J.D. Sir, I have no idea.
Dr. Kelso Dr. Reid, can you help him out?
Elliot I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency.
■ The fantasy sequence continues,
back on the highway, a
semi-truck approaches the
camera, and we see the antler'd
J.D. run over.
Dr. Kelso That's my girl! Patient number two!
The group moves on, and J.D., under his breath, derisively
mimics Elliot's answer.
Act 11
A Private Patient's Room. An older woman lays in a bed,
reading a newspaper. She has headphones on her ears, and is
listening to "Over Me" by Tricky. J.D. and Turk are at her
bedside.
J.D.'s Thoughts Draining Mrs. Pratt's stomach fluid'll get
my spirits back up.
J.D. nimbly swabs an area of the woman's bulging abdomen.
J.D. [whispering] Circles for you.
Mrs. Pratt [momentarily taking the headphones off of an
ear] Shut up and do it.
J.D.'s Thoughts Fantastic.
He takes out a large syringe, with an enormous needle, and
holds it up to examine it.
J.D.'s Thoughts Just suck out the fluid with the giant
needle.
He positions the needle, then pauses.
J.D. [to Turk] I think this needle's too big. I'm gonna get
a nurse.
Turk [grabbing the needle from him] Come on, man, learn by
doing! Learn by doing.
He holds the needle above the woman's abdomen, then easily
inserts it.
J.D.'s Narration Why couldn't I do that? I hated him at
that moment.
Turk removes the needle from the woman, and suddenly a
clear liquid gushes from her stomach from the hole the
needle had made. J.D. covers it with a gauze pad.
Turk Okay, uh, maybe the needle was just a little too big.
J.D. Oh, you think?
Mrs. Pratt What's going on down there?
Turk Nothing, ma'am, this is totally normal.
She goes back to her paper.
J.D. [still holding the pad, hoping to stop the flow] So,
are you gonna--are you gonna move your stuff in or what?
Turk That's why I came by. I think it's better if we both
branched out a little. What do you think?
J.D.'s Thoughts Tell him you think that's stupid. Tell him
you need him.
J.D. Yeah, I... I feel the same way.
Turk smiles and walks out. We hear Mrs. Pratt's music
louder as she watches Turk walk out the door. J.D. lifts
the gauze, and the stream of fluid gushes once more.
Act 12
The Hallway J.D. pushes Mr. Bursky's wheelchair.
Mr. Bursky So, what's it like being a young, hot-shot
doctor?
J.D. It's like... Did you ever go see a movie that everyone
told you was great, and then because of all those
expectations, you ended up totally disappointed?
Mr. Bursky Movies nowadays have too many special effects.
J.D. Yeah, that was pretty much my point.
The scene changes with the sound of a beeper going off.
J.D. races at top speed through another hallway of the
hospital.
J.D.'s Narration My first code. See, here's how it works
Someone's heart fails, they beep everyone. The first doctor
in has to run the room, tell everyone what to do....
Basically decide if the patient lives or dies. What am I,
crazy?
J.D. ducks into a supply closet, where Elliot is also
hiding.
J.D. [surprised] Agh! [whispers] You chicken!
J.D.'s Narration Don't worry about the patient, Turk was
already there.... 'Learning by doing.'
We see Turk, Todd, and a nurse at a patient's bedside. Turk
is prepping the defibrillator paddles.
Todd Charge!
Turk Clear!
He sends the life-saving current through the patient's
chest. At that, the patient -- a very large, bald man with
a goatee -- sits bolt up in the bed, screaming. This sends
Turk and Todd into hysterics, as well.
J.D.'s Narration Plus, it turns out, the guy was just
sleeping; attached to a faulty monitor.
Back in the supply closet, J.D. is giving Elliot the
what-for.
J.D. I thought we cared about each other....
Elliot Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me,
you'd have done the same thing.
J.D. Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the
world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!
She turns to him, with a smoldering look in her eyes.
Elliot [huskily] Do me right here.
J.D. [leaning towards her] Okay.
Elliot [turning away, with a smile on her face] See!
J.D. [frustrated] ARGH!
Suddenly, the closet fills with light as Dr. Cox opens the
door. J.D. and Elliot look at him and make efforts to
explain themselves.
Dr. Cox Right. Pass me a trach. kit.
J.D. reaches over his shoulder for a small package, and
holds it out. Dr. Cox snatches it from him.
Dr. Cox Thanks.
He walks off, slamming the door shut.
J.D. Our date is--is totally canceled!
Elliot Pff!
Act 13
A Hallway. J.D. is sitting on the floor, leaning against a
closed door.
J.D.'s Narration I was sitting on the floor for two
reasons. One, I tried to lock Elliot in that supply closet,
and she kicked me -- hard. And two, the on call-room was
locked.
He knocks the back of his head against the door.
J.D. [yelling through the door] Come on! I got, like, ten
minutes to sleep!
Inside the room, Turk and Carla stand, kissing.
Turk Wait. Tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?
Carla Lose the clothes.
He backs off and begins jerking his clothing off.
J.D.'s Thoughts I heard that Turk was gonna move in with
Todd. I'm surprised that high-fiving freak isn't in there
with him.
■ Fantasy shot, inside the on-call
room. Turk and Carla are on the
bed, naked except for a sheet,
kissing and rolling around.
Todd, dressed in his scrubs,
stands next to the bed,
watching.
Todd Damn, this is hot.
■ End of sequence, J.D., still
outside the door, laughs at the
possible scenario.
Inside the on-call room, Carla stands before a naked Turk.
Carla [smiling] Nice.
Turk Your turn.
Carla [looking at her watch] No, I gotta get back. But,
very nice.
She laughs and walks past him, opening the door. J.D. falls
in, and she steps over him, mussing his hair.
Carla Oh, hey, Bambi!
She walks down the hall, and Turks comes to the doorway,
holding a pillow at his midsection in order to hide his
naughty bits from view.
Turk [calling after Carla] So, uhh, I'll call you, okay?
Act 14
An Exam Room. A boy, Billy, who looks to be about 8, sits
on the table as Dr. Cox bends down to him, a tongue
depressor in hand
Dr. Cox Give me a big "ah".
Billy Ah.
Dr. Cox A big boy "ah".
Billy Ahhh!
J.D. Enters, standing at the doorway
J.D. [to Dr. Cox] Turk practically had sex in the on-call
room.
Dr. Cox You realize, of course, I have no idea who Turk is.
He removes the depressor from the boy's mouth, breaks it in
half, then tosses it toward the trash can in the corner of
the room.
Dr. Cox ...But, good for him. [leaning down to look Billy
in the eye] You see, Billy, it turns out that sex is
life-affirming.
Billy looks a bit confused. Dr. Cox grabs a small plastic
cup and holds it up in front of him.
Dr. Cox Now, whatta ya say, champ; you got a urine sample
in there for me?
Billy But I just did, five minutes ago.
Dr. Cox I know you did, but here's the thing I'd like you
to take this cup, put it on the ground, close your eyes,
and just go nuts! [holding up his hand] Whatta ya say!
Billy [giving Dr. Cox five] Cool!
Dr. Cox Atta boy! Go get 'em, champ!
Billy grabs the cup and runs into a small bathroom. Dr. Cox
hops up onto the exam table and lays back as J.D. comes
further into the room.
Dr. Cox Why are you here?
J.D. Seems like a good kid.
Dr. Cox You're worried about being on-call tonight, aren't
you.
J.D. shrugs
J.D.'s Thoughts Yeah.
Dr. Cox [sitting up] Look, worst case scenario, you kill
somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your
life.
J.D. freaks, and buries his head in his hands. Dr. Cox
slaps him on the back.
Dr. Cox [continuing] ...But that is the absolute worst case
scenario. Come on, newbie, look Just have the nurses do all
the stuff you're still too chicken to do, which I assume
covers just about everything, and if you have a really
rough admission---
J.D. Call you?
Dr. Cox No! I was gonna say go hide in the closet again!
J.D. looks embarrassed. In the background, we hear a toilet
flushing.
Billy [out of view] Yee-ha! This is fun!
Act 15
The Hallway Elliot is walking towards the Nurses' Station.
A Staff Member [out of view] Hey, nurse?
Elliot I'm a doctor, okay? The stethoscope, the beeper -- a
doctor, got it?
She approaches the desk.
Carla Relax.
Elliot I just hate it. I hate the "darlin's" I hate the
"sweethearts"...
Carla You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a
woman around here.
Elliot Well, you're certainly furthering the cause by
wearing a thong to work and hooking up in the on-call room.
Suddenly, the two women have the attention of patients and
staff around them, including J.D. and Mr. Bursky.
Elliot Word gets around.
Carla You talk like that, do you even know my name?
Elliot thinks a moment, but can't meet Carla's challenge.
Carla I spend every second of my life either here, or
taking care of my mom. So, yeah, maybe I needed a little
closeness. I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club,
right? Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to
your sorority room. And my thong? I happen to think it
makes my ass look good. And some days, I need to feel good
about something around here. And you judge me? Well, guess
what, word does get around, Miss "Out For Herself", so you
can dump on everyone here if you want; but you will not
hurt me.
With that, she slams the chart she had been holding into
its slot, and walks off. Elliot looks around, slightly
embarrassed, as the activity of the hospital resumes around
her.
J.D. [pointing helpfully] Her name's Carla, by the way....
Mr. Bursky Ouch.
J.D. Yeah.... Carla....
J.D. turns the wheelchair, and they head down the hall,
leaving Elliot to collect her dignity.
Act 16
The Hospital, Exterior -- nighttime. "THAT NIGHT 36 SECONDS
BEFORE GOING ON CALL" Cut to Interior -- The Doctors'
Lounge. J.D. stares at a clock on the wall, as the seconds
tick down. Dr. Kelso enters.
Dr. Kelso Hey, Champ! First night on call starts soon, huh?
Gosh, you must be excited.
J.D.'s Thoughts [screaming] Agghh!
J.D. [smiling weakly] You bet'cha.
Dr. Kelso smiles and begins to walk out of the room, but
then remembers something.
Dr. Kelso Oh! About Mrs. Pratt.... I heard you wanted to
put her on the hospital's transplant list. I just thought
I'd recommend keeping her on dialysis a little while
longer, maybe we'll get lucky!
J.D. No problem, sir.
Dr. Kelso Great! Have a ball...on call! [laughs] A little
poem for you.
J.D. laughs a little, humoring Dr. Kelso as he walks off,
then goes back to staring at the clock. Just as the first
minute of J.D.'s shift starts, to his disappointment, his
beeper goes off.
As he nervously enters the crowded hospital waiting room,
David Gray's "Please Forgive Me" begins to play. We see
scenes of J.D.'s experience on-call Wincing as he steadies
a patient for a procedure. Filling out a chart for a man in
drag. Checking the monitor of a sleeping patient, and
taking a quick bite from the man's untouched food.
Attempting to insert an IV, and having the nurse step in to
help. Then finally settling down on the bed in the on-call
room. As he flicks off the light, Carla steps in, turning
it back on and summoning him.
Carla Bambi, come on. Let's go.
As the final strains of the song play, J.D. stands, his
eyes closed as he rubs his temples, amid the patients and
staff of the waiting room, as they all move in fast motion.
J.D. emerges from an elevator, pushing an elderly woman in
a wheelchair.
J.D. I'll check on you every ten minutes, Mrs. Moreno,
okay?
She nods. Nurse Roberts steps in front of them.
Nurse Roberts [to J.D.] I need to see you in Mr. Bursky's
room.
J.D. Are you flirting with me?
Nurse Roberts turns and walks down the hall.
J.D. You are, aren't you!
The two approach the doorway of Mr. Bursky's room.
Nurse Roberts He crashed. The attending thinks it was a
pulmonary embolism.
We see in to the room a shot of the body of Mr. Bursky
lying on his bed, his clothing askew from the obvious
attempts that had been made to save him.
Nurse Roberts No way anyone could have caught it. Anyhow,
you have to pronounce him.
J.D. Why didn't anybody page me?
Nurse Roberts Could you just pronounce him so I can go
home?
J.D. slowly enters the room, as Nurse Roberts waits at the
door.
J.D.'s Narration I'll never forget that moment, the way he
looked exactly the same...only completely different. The
shame that all I could think about was how hard this was
for me.
J.D. [looking at his watch] Time of death 0200.
Nurse Roberts, relieved to finally get the pronouncement,
walks off. J.D. stands over the bed, an obvious lump in his
throat.
J.D.'s Narration I just wanted to help people.
Act 17
An MRI Room.
A patient lays on the bed of the machine as J.D. enters.
J.D.'s Narration The hardest part is how quickly you have
to move on.
J.D. [to the patient] Don't worry, man. You're gonna be
fine.
Turk, dressed in casual clothes and a bag in hand,
obviously ready to leave, enters the room.
Turk [to J.D.] Hey. I lied before, man. I'm scared every
second.
J.D. Really?
Turk [stepping further into the room] It's a good thing
they make surgical masks, 'cause if they didn't, everyone
would know that my face is like this the whole time...
He makes an exaggerated frightened expression, with mouth
agape and eyes wide. J.D. laughs a little.
J.D. Well, I think it's okay to be scared.
Turk Well, I need you to tell me that every once in a
while, man.
J.D.'s Thoughts He needs me?
Turk Anyway, I just came to check up on you; see how you're
doing.
He turns to leave.
J.D.'s Thoughts Ask him to move in again.
J.D. You know, Turk, the offer still stands if you
wanna....
Turk Dude, [he holds up a set of keys] I already took the
keys out' your bag.
J.D. looks at him, a small smile on his face.
Turk [sincere] I love you.
The patient lifts his head, and J.D. looks at Turk
quizzically. Turk snickers and walks out.
Cut to A Hospital Hallway. J.D. sits on an empty gurney
that is being wheeled down the hall. He's writing in a
chart in his lap.
J.D.'s Narration And like that, I got a second wind.
J.D. looks up as the gurney passes the Janitor, who stands
off to the side, holding up a shiny penny.
Janitor [in a high voice] I'm watching you....
Spooked, J.D. hops off the gurney and heads into the
Doctors' Lounge. He steps up to the coffee maker, but then
notices Dr. Kelso sitting on one of the couches.
Dr. Kelso How're you holding up?
J.D.'s Thoughts Ah, there he is, my safety net.
Dr. Kelso I saw that you're still pushing to put Mrs. Pratt
on the transplant list. Bad news, though, sport she doesn't
have the insurance to cover it.
J.D. Yeah, but she's, like, a second away from total renal
failure.
Dr. Kelso Okay..... Uh, did you ask the Bursky family for
permission to do an autopsy?
J.D. They're still in there with him, sir.
Dr. Kelso It's a teaching hospital, son, you gotta ask.
J.D. Thoughts Just tell him you can't see Mr. Bursky again.
He'll understand.
J.D. Sir, do you--do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso Why, sure, sport.
J.D.'s Narration See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso [getting up off the couch] In fact, why don't you
just head on home. You look kinda tired.
J.D. [amazed] I am pretty tired!
Dr. Kelso [his sweet disposition fading] Dr. Dorian, do you
not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs
to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart
around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names! Now
look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them; if they
don't, you show them the door.
Elliot steps into the room to witness the rest of this
conversation.
Dr. Kelso [continuing] And if somebody dies, you get the
autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow morning, or I'll be
scratching your name off my chart! Are we clear!?
■ Fantasy Shot -- A close-up of
Dr. Kelso, with flames around
his head, and glowing red
eyes...
Dr. Kelso Answer me!!!
■ End of Fantasy Shot.
J.D. Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso [smiling] Great, sport.
Dr. Kelso walks out, and J.D. turns to look at Elliot, just
as his pager goes off.
J.D.'s Narration I don't get it, if he's the jerk, then
who's the good guy?
J.D. runs into a ward as a group of nurses, along with
Carla and Dr. Cox, move a patient from a gurney to a bed.
Carla Car accident, crashed in the elevator on the way up.
She straps an oxygen mask to the patient's face, as J.D.
pulls the man's shirt open.
Dr. Cox We gotta relieve the pressure in his chest. J.D.,
do it.
J.D.'s Thoughts Oh God, no.
Dr. Cox Look at me. You can do this.
J.D.'s Narration And I believed him...
J.D. [his voice squeaking] Chest-tube tray.
Another nurse delivers a tray of tools.
J.D.'s Narration ...You know, kinda.
Dr. Cox Come on, baby, let's go; chop-chop.
J.D. and Carla reach onto the tray for their equipment.
With a scalpel in hand, J.D. turns back to the patient.
J.D.'s Thoughts You can do this. You have to do this.
Dr. Cox J.D., cut him or lose him.
The incision is made as Cox watches on.
J.D. Okay, gimme the tube.
Carla hands him a long, sturdy tube and he positions it at
the incision he's made. He struggles.
J.D. I can't get it through the pleura.
Dr. Cox Well, don't be gentle, get it in there.
Exerting pressure, J.D. finally pushes the tube in.
J.D. Okay, connect it, please, Carla.
She does, and blood flows through the tube.
Carla [looking at the monitor] Normal rhythm.
J.D. [laughing, relieved] No way!
Dr. Cox Eh? It's a piece of cake.
He strips off his rubber gloves.
Dr. Cox That's your patient.
J.D. You're leaving?
Dr. Cox [coming around the bed next to J.D.] That's your
patient, doctor.
J.D. turns back to the patient to continue his work. Behind
him, Dr. Cox holds up his hand in the high- five pose,
then, with a grimace, realizes the gesture isn't "him".
With a grumble, he tosses the gloves aside and walks out.
Carla [watching after Cox] G'head.
J.D. raises his hands over his head in a victory stance.
Carla That's enough.
J.D. [emotional] Sorry. It's a very big moment for me.
Carla Mm-hmm.
Act 18
The Hallway Outside The Admissions Area J.D. has his jacket
in hand, and backpack slung over his shoulder.
J.D.'s Narration So, I guess that's it for now. Thirty-one
hours, twelve minutes, and I am....
Elliot [approaching] You're finally off?
J.D. Almost. I have one more really annoying thing I gotta
do.
Elliot If you're talking about getting the Bursky autopsy,
I already called the family for you. And they said fine,
and to thank you, and I'm sorry. ...They didn't say that
last part, I did.
J.D.'s Narration The worst part was knowing, right then,
that I could never forgive her.
She leans over and gives him a soft kiss on the cheek.
J.D.'s Thoughts I forgive her.
Elliot walks off.
J.D.'s Narration You see, I can't survive on my own.
Dr. Steadman walks down the hall, waving at different staff
members.
Dr. Steadman [from J.D.'s perspective] I'm a dork. I'm a
dork! [to J.D.] I'm a dork. [he walks past] ...I'm a dork.
J.D.'s Narration Even now, when I finally get to go home,
in the back of my head, I'll know the hospital's still
here, wide awake.
Carla [on her way through] Bambi! Get out while you still
can.
J.D.'s Narration But what the hell. [J.D. clicks on his
beeper and heads for the door] The most important thing is
that I got through my first three days without looking like
a complete idiot.
He walks to the automatic glass door and, not looking,
doesn't notice it fail to open. He smacks right into it,
and collapses to the floor.
The screen goes black.
J.D. [voice over] I'm the man.