THE NATURE OF EPIPHANIC EXPERIENCE

MATTHEW G. MCDONALD was born and educated in

Australia. He completed his PhD in existential philosophy and
psychology in 2005 at the University of Technology, Sydney. He
is currently employed as a visiting lecturer in the School of
Psychology and Therapeutic Studies, Roehampton University,
London. His primary research interests include psychology and
consumption, alienation, poststructuralism, and existentialism.

Summary

The purpose of this inquiry is to investigate positive change and

transformation that is sudden and abrupt, as defined by the term
epiphany. Due to the disparate nature of the epiphanic literature,
a thorough and wide-ranging review was undertaken, producing a
set of six core characteristics, which were tested and interpreted
from a self-identity existential perspective. A narrative inquiry
approach to methodology was employed to collect and analyze par-
ticipants’ epiphanies, from which three main interpretations were
drawn. Firstly, the participants’ life-stories illustrate that an
epiphany is a valid experience as indicated by support for the set
of six core characteristics developed from the literature. Secondly,
an epiphany is a profound illumination of the inauthentic and
authentic modes of self-identity, which provide the impetus for a
more honest and courageous encounter with the conditions of exis-
tence. Lastly, an epiphany is an intentional experience made sig-
nificant and enduring by the ascription of personal meaning.

Keywords: epiphany; self-identity; existential philosophy and

psychology; narrative inquiry; authenticity

The dawn was grey around us; grey was the sky above; grey the snow
in the pale light of dawn; grey the rags in which my fellow prisoners
were clad; grey their faces. I was again conversing silently with my

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Special thanks to Stephen Wearing, Shawn Rubin, Warwick

Eaton, and Susmita Das in helping me to undertake and complete this study.
Journal of Humanistic Psychology, Vol. 48 No. 1, January 2008 89-115
DOI: 10.1177/0022167807311878
© 2008 Sage Publications

89
90 Epiphanic Experience

wife, or perhaps I was struggling to find the reason for my sufferings,

my slow dying. In a last violent protest against the hopelessness of
imminent death, I sensed my spirit piercing through the enveloping
gloom. I felt it transcend that hopeless, meaningless world, and from
somewhere I heard a victorious “Yes” in answer to the question of my
existence of an ultimate purpose.
—Frankl (1984, p. 51)

The powerful moment recounted above is an excerpt from

Viktor Frankl’s (1984) Man’s Search for Meaning, a memory from
when he was a prisoner at the infamous Auschwitz Nazi concen-
tration camp. Frankl’s experience can be best described as a sud-
den, abrupt, and positive transformation that was profound and
enduring—in short, an epiphany.
When psychologists contemplate the nature of change, they usu-
ally refer to two broad areas, the developmental changes that occur
over the lifespan (from birth to death) and specific changes that are
effected through counseling and psychotherapy. Developmental
change refers to any qualitative (changes in process and function) and
quantitative (changes in height, weight, and intelligence) modifica-
tion in the structure and functioning of human beings.
On the other hand, counselors and psychotherapists effect change
by working with their clients to overcome their self-limiting beliefs,
helping them to gain insight and perspective while taking action in
the process. Positive change and transformation in this respect is,
more often than not, a slow incremental process, lasting for a
period of weeks, months, or years. Terms commonly used in the
therapeutic vernacular, such as “working through,” convey a
gradual unfolding process. As Bien (2004) noted, “The psy-
chotherapist . . . will observe a series of micro-changes, marked by
sighs and other physical indicators as well as increasingly insightful
verbal expression, which gradually accumulate into something
substantive” (p. 494).
Epiphanies, on the other hand, are sudden and abrupt insights
and/or changes in perspective that transform the individual’s
concept of self and identity through the creation of new meaning
in the individual’s life. Epiphanies are momentary experiences of
transcendence that are enduring and distinct from other types of
developmental change and transformation. Due to this distinc-
tion, positive change and transformation that is sudden and
abrupt is a relatively underresearched and underdeveloped phe-
nomenon. C’de Baca and Wilbourne (2004) noted,
 Matthew G. McDonald 91

While the occurrence of rapid transformations has been noted in

psychology since at least 1902, these transformations have been
considered mostly anomalies. They do not follow a learning model
of behaviour change, e.g. the gradual modification of behaviour,
frustrating efforts at explanation. (p. 539)

EPIPHANY: CONCEPTUAL DEVELOPMENT

The term “epiphany” is most commonly associated with the

Christian feast held at the beginning of each new year. The holi-
day (holyday) is a celebration of three Christian miracles, con-
sisting of the visit of the Magi, the baptism of Christ, and the
miracle of transforming water into wine at the wedding feast of
Cana (Eliade, 1987, pp. 132-133). The term is derived from the
ancient Greek word “epiphainesthai,” which means to “appear” or
“to come into view” (Arnold, 2002) and was used to refer to
moments of sudden and significant insight (Paris, 1997).
It was the Irish novelist James Joyce who reintroduced “epiphany”
into the modern vernacular, using it to describe the sudden and pro-
found insights of Stephen Dedalus—the central character of his book
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (Joyce, 1916). Joyce believed
that artists, like his character Dedalus, used their powers of observa-
tion and insight to transmute ordinary, everyday events into a cele-
bration of humanity (Beja, 1993, p. 71).
More recently, the term “epiphany” has been used in a variety
of academic disciplines including social theory (Denzin, 1989,
1990), literary criticism (Beja, 1993; Bidney, 1997, 2004; Coen,
2000; Hayman, 1998; Johnson, 1992; Nichols, 1987), humanistic
education (Goud, 1995), narrative psychology (Loyttyniemi, 2001;
McAdams, 1996; Schultz, 2001), clinical psychology (Jaffe, 1985;
Tedeschi, Park, & Calhoun, 1998; Tennen & Affleck, 1998), and
gay and lesbian studies (Jensen, 1998, 1999).
Although the term has enjoyed popular application in these
fields, its conceptual, empirical, and theoretical development has
remained largely static. This task was initially taken up by Jarvis
(1997), who defined an epiphany as a “sudden discontinuous
change, leading to profound, positive and enduring transformation
through reconfiguration of an individual’s most deeply held
beliefs about self and world” (p. v). The next major contribution to
the term’s development was carried out by Miller and C’de Baca
(1993, 2001), who developed an almost identical concept they termed
92 Epiphanic Experience

“quantum change,” which they defined as “a vivid, surprising, benev-

olent, and enduring personal transformation” (Miller & C’de Baca,
2001, p. 4).
Given the disparate nature of the epiphanic literature and the
limited literature reviews carried out by Jarvis (1997) and Miller
and C’de Baca (1993, 2001), it was determined that an integrating
framework was needed to give some semblance of order to the con-
cept. To this end, a set of core characteristics, or attributes, was
created by content analyzing (Krippendorff, 2004) the epiphanic lit-
erature, the results of which are presented in Table 1 below.

METHOD: NARRATIVE INQUIRY

A narrative approach to collecting and analyzing participants’

epiphanies was selected for two main reasons. The first was its
theoretical affinity with existential philosophy (Polkinghorne,
1988, pp. 125-155), and second, it is argued that an in-depth
understanding of epiphanies can be achieved only by obtaining
an account of the participant’s life history and with it, his or her
temporal unfolding sense of self-identity.
A theoretical sample (Charmaz, 2003, p. 104) was employed, which
consisted of individuals who had a self-identified epiphany. The
research participants were individuals introduced to the inquiry by
academic colleagues. As part of engaging with potential participants,
it was necessary to gauge their capacity for self-reflection and coher-
ent verbal communication. Potential participants were screened via
a preliminary interview (approximately 30 minutes) carried out in
person or by telephone, and their epiphanies were compared to the
characteristics outlined in Table 1.
In-depth life-story interviews were carried out on 5 partici-
pants (only 4 will be reported here due to the constraints of word
limit), eliciting a rich source of data. The life-story interview is
designed to allow the narrator (the research participant) to pro-
vide a detailed account of his or her life, starting with his or her
very first memory as a child and extending right up until the pre-
sent day. It seeks to emphasize the participant’s developmental
sequences, milestones, and turning points (Murray, 2003, p. 103).
Lieblich, Tuval-Mashiach, and Zilber’s (1998) narrative analysis
matrix was used to guide the analysis process. Each of the inter-
view transcripts was read several times to develop an in-depth
 Matthew G. McDonald 93

TABLE 1: Epiphanic Characteristics

Concept Description of Concept

Antecedent state Epiphanies are preceded by periods of anxiety,

depression, and inner turmoil (Denzin, 1989, 1990;
Jarvis, 1997; Jensen, 1998, 1999; Loyttyniemi, 2001;
Miller & C’de Baca, 1993, 2001).
Suddenness Epiphanies are sudden and abrupt
(Beja, 1993; Goud, 1995; Jarvis, 1997;
Jensen, 1998, 1999; Miller &
C’de Baca, 1993, 2001; Schultz, 2001).
Personal transformation Epiphanies are an experience of profound change
and transformation in self-identity
(Denzin, 1989, 1990; Goud, 1995;
Jarvis, 1997; Jensen, 1998, 1999;
Miller & C’de Baca, 1993, 2001).
Illumination/insight Epiphanies are an acute awareness of something
new, something that the individual
had previously been blind to (Denzin, 1989,
1990; Goud, 1995; Jarvis, 1997;
Jensen, 1998, 1999; Miller &
C’de Baca, 1993, 2001; Paris, 1997;
Schultz, 2001).
Meaning making Epiphanies are profound insights because
they are deemed significant to
the individual’s life (Denzin, 1989, 1990;
Frick, 2001; Miller & C’de Baca,
1993, 2001).
Enduring nature Although the actual epiphany is a momentary
experience, the personal transformation
that results is permanent and lasting
(Denzin, 1989, 1990; Jarvis, 1997;
Jensen, 1998, 1999; Miller &
C’de Baca, 1993, 2001).

understanding of the participant’s experience of his or her life.

Each of the transcripts was then converted into shorter narra-
tives to provide greater clarity and structure to the raw interview
data, a task that also discharged my commitment to treat each of
the participants’ life stories as an individual case study (Smith &
Osborn, 2003, p. 54). To complete the analysis process, a number
of quality control measures were undertaken to assess and eval-
uate the data; these included consensual validation with the
participants and credibility checks carried out by academic col-
leagues and a consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapeutist with
94 Epiphanic Experience

25 years’ experience (Elliott, Fischer, & Rennie, 1999; Yardley,

2000).
The following accounts provide a brief sketch of each of the
participants’ life stories; they are presented in chronological
order (i.e., childhood, adolescence, and adulthood) culminating
with their epiphany(ies).

LIFE STORIES AND EPIPHANIES

Peter1

Peter was born and grew up in a small town in rural New South
Wales, Australia. He experienced a deprived and at times trau-
matic childhood due to his father’s alcoholism. Peter attended a
local Catholic school, which he described as violent and forbidding.
He was persecuted by his classmates in and outside of school
because of his size and looks. Peter described his parents as gener-
ally neglectful; as a result, he suffered from poor hygiene and a lack
of future aspirations, leaving high school at the age of 15.
Peter’s first job out of school was training racehorses, which he
described as one of the happiest periods of his life, yet he
remained lonely and lamented the lack of any meaningful rela-
tionships. During this time, Peter developed an interest in writ-
ing and began publishing articles for a Sydney horseracing
magazine. With this success, he eventually decided to become a
full-time writer, going on to university to study journalism.
Having completed his studies, Peter fell into a series of unsatis-
fying jobs in public relations.
Peter’s life, though, was to turn a corner after he fell in love,
married, and had two baby girls in short succession. After 12
years of marriage, however, Peter felt that his relationship with
his wife had come to a dead end. “It had become loveless, sexless,
and sad.” As his marriage broke down, he began to analyze his life
more closely and came to the realization that it stood for nothing,
that it was devoid of meaning and purpose, which eventually led
to feelings of depression and suicidal ideation.
Then one night, Peter had a dream in which he was giving a
speech at his daughter’s 21st birthday. In this speech, he told the
story of his life and how he had reached the “edge of darkness,”
as described by Joseph Campbell in The Hero’s Journey (1990). In
Campbell’s story, the hero takes the challenge to break through
the barrier—to not give up. When Peter awoke the next day, he
 Matthew G. McDonald 95

realized that if he kept going as he was, he would not have the

right to make that speech at his daughter’s birthday. “That future
moment, that visioning, was my epiphany to say, ‘I want that
moment.’ . . . It was an unforgettable vision.”

Michelle

Michelle was born and grew up in a large coastal town in New

South Wales, Australia. She described her family life as emotion-
ally cold and uncommunicative. She described feeling as a child
like an “empty shell.” At the age of 13, she suffered the first of
many episodes of major depression and suicidal ideation. Just prior
to leaving school, Michelle undertook a work placement as a nurse,
which she thoroughly enjoyed and decided would become her
future career. At the completion of her placement, the nurse in
charge wrote a letter to her school career counselor and parents,
noting that she had underperformed and that she was not suited
to a career in nursing. Michelle was devastated by the news.
Michelle left school at 16 and began her first job working in a
bank. At the age of 21, she moved to Sydney with the goal of earning
$100,000 by the time she was 30, in the hope of impressing her
wealthy parents. Michelle began a financially successful career in
the information technology industry, yet was still plagued by feelings
of emptiness. She began psychotherapy and was advised to attend
Alcoholics Anonymous.
In time, Michelle was able to overcome her alcohol addiction, and
she continued psychotherapy for the next 5 years, yet her feelings of
loneliness and frustration continued to plague her. Eventually,
Michelle became alienated from her fast-paced corporate lifestyle and
decided to make a break by moving to a small country town where
she bought herself a dog. With few possessions to furnish her new
house, Michelle asked her mother to post a box of belongings she had
stored away many years previously. When the box arrived, she found
the letter written by the nurse in charge of her school placement
explaining to her parents that she was unsuited to a career in nurs-
ing. The discovery of this letter after such a long period of time came
as a great shock for Michelle, as she had pushed this desire com-
pletely from her mind. Suddenly and unexpectedly, she was reminded
of her adolescent wish, viewing this chance event as a powerful mes-
sage, using it to provide her life with a new direction and purpose. “I
always wanted to be a nurse! . . . It was like a veil was lifted. I’m
going to be a nurse.”
96 Epiphanic Experience

Janet

Janet was born and grew up in the beachside suburb of

Maroubra, Sydney. Her early childhood was loving and prosper-
ous. Janet did well at school and made friends easily. At the age
of 8, the boy next door stayed over one night in Janet’s bedroom.
He forced himself on her, and she struggled to break free from his
grip. Shocked and upset by what had happened, Janet told her
parents, who sent the boy home. Her parents, though, blamed
Janet for what had happened to her. “I felt so embarrassed and
abandoned. Looking back now, I can still recall having an almost
out-of-body experience, as though the connection I had with my
parents had been broken.”
Sadly, worse was to come. When Janet was 13, her parents had
a party at their house where she was lured away and sexually
assaulted by a 46-year-old customer of her father’s dry cleaning
business. After this incident, Janet began failing school, smoking
marijuana, and running away from home. As her relationship with
her parents worsened, Janet left home for good at the age of 16.
At 18, Janet gave birth to twin baby girls, whom she loved and
adored. At 23, the relationship with the father of her children
broke down. Janet began taking drugs and was eventually caught
stealing medications from a doctor’s surgery. Before her court
appearance, Janet was placed in a women’s prison where she had
her first epiphany. While sitting in her cell, Janet was suddenly
gripped by a new and powerful fear, which motivated her to
reflect on her life like never before. She realized for the first time
that she actually hated the “drug lifestyle” she had chosen for
herself and began to wonder what could be so terrible to make
her want to escape reality. She then had a profound realization—
she took drugs to escape from herself.
Janet’s second epiphany occurred when she was 31. Janet’s
children, aged 13 at the time, made a special trip from Perth to
Sydney to visit her. She had not seen her twin daughters in more
than 3 years. Their vulnerability, innocence, and adolescent men-
tality made a powerful impression on her. As a result, Janet
began to look back on her own life when she was 13. She began to
recall the people and events of that time and realized she had lost
her virginity at 13—the same age as her daughters. This set in
motion a sudden recall of events she had repressed for 19 years.
A horrible feeling began to rise in the pit of her stomach. With
terrible clarity, Janet realized a 46-year-old man had raped her.
 Matthew G. McDonald 97

With the conscious awareness of this long-repressed memory,

Janet began to piece together the chain of events that took place
in her life after her sexual assaults; she began failing school, ran
away from home, taking drugs, and behaving promiscuously.

Cathy

Cathy was born and grew up in New Zealand. Her childhood

was difficult and unhappy. Cathy’s mother expected her, the eldest
of five children, to help raise and take responsibility for her
younger siblings. Her father was a heavy drinker prone to bouts of
violence, which her mother bore the brunt of. Cathy recalls often
having to hide with her brother and sisters in their bedroom to
escape their father’s abuse. From an early age, Cathy dreamed of
one day becoming a nun and schoolteacher like the central charac-
ter Sister Maria from the film The Sound of Music. However, her
mother told her that it would be selfish of her not to have children
and that all girls dream of one day getting married.
To escape her family abuse, Cathy left home at 18 and moved
in with her boyfriend. Shortly after they married, she gave birth
to a baby girl, the first of three children. After her second child,
Cathy met a nun who was also a schoolteacher and academic.
This woman inspired Cathy to go to university and train to
become a teacher. Cathy enrolled in university and completed her
teaching qualification 4 years later.
During her time at university, Cathy’s marriage began to
break down. It was during this period that she began to question
her sexual orientation. After many months of inner turmoil, she
came to the resolution that if she were to ever have sex with a
woman, then she would remain a lesbian for the rest of her life.
Her epiphany, she explains, was triggered by her first sexual
experience with a woman. Having sex with another woman con-
firmed for Cathy that she truly was a lesbian. Everything in her
life radically changed from that moment on; “it was like crossing
a bridge with no return.”

EPIPHANIC CHARACTERISTICS

The purpose of this phase of the analysis is to test whether the

descriptions of epiphanies given by the participants support the
six core characteristics (see Table 1) derived from the literature.
98 Epiphanic Experience

Antecedent state: Epiphanies are preceded by periods of anxiety,

depression, and inner turmoil. Each of the 4 participants, prior to
their epiphanies, experienced periods of anxiety, depression, and
inner turmoil, lasting for weeks and, in some cases, months. The
participants also reported a range of other painful emotions prior
to their epiphanies such as loneliness, suicidal ideation, remorse,
despair, anger, alienation, and abandonment.

That one moment, that one look, that nonverbal communication to

me said that you’re living a lie here. You’re living a lie. Then I went
totally silent and I went home that night and I cried in front of her
[his wife] for the first time and said that I wanted to leave, that
I wanted to kill myself, that I needed to go off and do this and I
needed to go and do it myself and not have her involved and that I
couldn’t find any meaning in life. (Peter)

I was earning really good money at the time. At the end of that
period, I got a commission check for $70,000. I just remember get-
ting home on that Friday night when the commission was through,
knowing that I’d been taxed half of it so there was $35,000 in my
bank account. Thinking that obviously I’d done what I’d set out to
achieve when I was younger. That I was starting to make all this
money but I just felt like I was dying inside. The more money I
earned, the more dead I felt. I didn’t know what to do with it. Even
if I did do something with it, it didn’t really make me happy. I had
nothing that I wanted to do. I didn’t feel passionate about any-
thing, so what was the point of having it? (Michelle)

Suddenness: Epiphanies are sudden and abrupt. Each of the par-

ticipants’ epiphanies was sudden and abrupt, contrasting with
other types of positive change and transformation that are typi-
cally gradual in nature.

I remember just sitting there and just looking at it [a letter]. I was

on my own thinking, “Oh my god, oh my god, I always wanted to be
a nurse. I always wanted to be a nurse!” . . . It was like a veil was
lifted. “I’m going to be a nurse.” . . . It was like a shock to the sys-
tem. I recognized in that moment the kind of bizarre way that it
had come about. I’d sent away for this box and I was sitting there
going through it. I also recognized that at the time it seemed to be,
“Thank God someone has told me or has sent me a sign. Someone
has finally told me what I should be doing with my life.” (Michelle)

I always had this feeling that if I ever slept with a woman, then
that would be it for me. I would never be able to go back to a man.
 Matthew G. McDonald 99

It was like crossing a bridge with no return. . . . It totally

changed my life from that day on. . . . It was the start of a new
life; I was a lesbian. (Cathy)

Personal transformation: Epiphanies are an experience of profound

change and transformation in self-identity. The most compelling ele-
ment of the participants’ epiphanies was the change and transforma-
tion that took place in the way they viewed themselves and their
world. The transformations were varied; they included finding a voice
and expressing a purpose (Peter), identifying with nursing as a pro-
fession and metaphor for empathy and insight into self-identity and
others (Michelle), the conscious recall and acknowledgment of the
impact of childhood sexual abuse (Janet), and the creation of a new
sexual orientation (Cathy).

And that was the point I had reached, and at last I realized that I was
mythologizing my life, and I gave this speech about how I turned my
life around. I was able to hold up a novel that I had published about
an idea that I’d always had. And I talked freely about what it was like
to be Lucy’s father, and I talked about laughter, and I talked about
silly things we did, crazy times, the inspirational times we had
together. . . . I woke up the next day, and I realized that the way I was
going, I was not actually going to have the right to make that speech.
That future moment, that visioning, was my epiphany to say, “I want
that moment.” (Peter)

There was always the invisible control sitting on the back of my shoul-
der. I was always alert and fearful. I felt unsure of myself. . . . Since
coming out as a lesbian, it’s now all right for me to be Cathy. . . . I feel
that I don’t need to please others nearly as much as I used to. (Cathy)

Illumination/insight: Epiphanies are an acute awareness of some-

thing new, something that the individual had been previously blind
to. Each of the participants experienced a significant insight, which
had the effect of illuminating elements of self-identity that had
once remained in darkness.

I thought I was a dumb person all the way through my life. I

thought I had no right to have a voice and have ideas, that I didn’t
have the skills. Any obstacle I could put in the way, I did. From that
moment on of saying that I’m writing a book for the one person
that really matters, that moment to hold it up to Lucy or Sophie at
their 21st is the only moment in life that had any worth or any
meaning to live. (Peter)
100 Epiphanic Experience

I think really from that moment [the epiphany] that I did get a
sense that I had an identity. That I knew what my identity was a
long time ago, that I knew what I should have been doing. But it
had been taken away from me. . . . [It’s a] sense that there is a place
for me at the very heart of who I am. (Michelle)

Meaning making: Epiphanies are profound insights because they

are deemed significant to the individual’s life. Meaning making was
manifested in the participants’ epiphanies by viewing a particular
insight or insights as profoundly significant. For example, in Peter’s
dream, we see the linking of a future event with the creation of
meaning and purpose in the present; for Michelle, it was the redis-
covery of an adolescent passion and desire; for Janet, it was the link-
ing of childhood traumas with adult emotions and behaviors; for
Cathy, it was her first sexual experience with a woman that con-
summated her long-held curiosity about being a lesbian.

My epiphany gave me something to live for, to move toward, instead

of being dead. . . . In my own way, I started to find hope and some
meaning about why I was here as I realized that I didn’t have a story
to tell; the people around me didn’t get who I was. My work hadn’t
been done yet. It was an idea that saved my life—my work hadn’t
been done yet, and I couldn’t write my own obituary yet. And then I
started thinking, “Well, what does that really mean?” (Peter)

I realized that I didn’t want to be mixing with these people [in

prison]. Which was also the case when I was doing hard drugs that
were illegal and you get off the streets. I didn’t do it for the
lifestyle. I didn’t really like the people you had to mix with to get
the drugs. They become a part of your circle because you are back
there to get your supplies. . . . I didn’t like that, so it definitely wasn’t
about lifestyle. It was for the effect of the drug. (Janet)

Enduring nature: Although the actual epiphany is a momentary

experience, the personal transformation that results is permanent
and lasting. The illumination/insights coupled with the signifi-
cance (meaning) attached to it created a personal transformation
that was enduring and permanent.

I’m committed to healing my life now. There was so much rage,

anger, resentment I once held toward myself, and the world. . . . I
was doing things that I wasn’t even aware of, so once you become
aware, you become more in tune with yourself. . . . I’ll never forget
the experience of going to prison, and I’ll now never forget what
happened to me when I was 13 and the effect it had on my life. . . .
 Matthew G. McDonald 101

Much of my time and energy is going into this court case because
I want society to better acknowledge and protect children from
sexual predators. To show them the very serious crime that was
perpetrated against me when I was 13 years old, and the damage
it caused. I also want my family to acknowledge that I need to con-
front and heal my issues and that going to court is helping me to
do that. (Janet)

Once you realize you’re a lesbian, you never forget it; you can try and
pretend that you’re not a lesbian. Some women would stop at this
stage and say, “Put it behind you; get on with your marriage. You’ve
done it all these years. You can still do it now.” I couldn’t. . . . I don’t
believe you should do this. . . . Looking back now, I feel that I always
had a lesbian heart. (Cathy)

MODES OF AUTHENTICITY: EPIPHANIES,

SELF-IDENTITY, AND EXISTENTIALISM

The purpose of this next phase of the analysis is to apply the

philosophies of self-identity within the context of existentialism
to the epiphanic phenomenon. The following discussion is set
out under eight fundamental conditions of existence, or existen-
tials, identified in the works of Soren Kierkegaard (1842, 1845,
1849), Friedrich Nietzsche (1892, 1895), Martin Heidegger
(1927, 1987), Jean-Paul Sartre (1939, 1943, 1948), Medard Boss
(Craig, 1988), Ronald Laing (1960), and Emmy van Deurzen
(2002). The eight existentials include freedom, responsibility,
choice, temporality, anxiety and depression, relatedness, the
sociocultural world, and meaning and purpose. Each of these
fundamentals has been placed under the heading Modes of
Authenticity to signify the participants’ illumination of the
inauthentic and authentic modes of self-identity that charac-
terized their epiphanic experience.

Self-Identity and Freedom

Freedom is not absolute. . . . There are objective conditions of facticity
that consciousness does not control: natural laws, physical states, and
circumstances independent of my will. Freedom, however, is absolute
in the sense that what we make of our circumstances, how we respond
to them, the meanings we give to them are free projects that are not
compelled or necessitated by objective forces.
—Hatab (1999, p. 161)
102 Epiphanic Experience

The participants’ insight into their inauthentic and authentic

modes of existence provided the impetus to appropriate their
freedom and begin creating a new self-identity. However, prior to
their epiphanies, the participants’ lives were closed off to the full
range of possibilities for being and relating (Craig, 1988, p. 3).

I’d really resigned myself I suppose to living a mediocre life. I had

an enormous ambition to achieve nothing and quite deliberately
sabotaged my career and had gone the other way. I had really
destroyed possible work opportunities and relationships. (Peter)

At the beginning of year 11, I left school. Got my first boyfriend

when I was 16. That was really nice for me because I’d never really
been touched before or had anyone to communicate with or anyone
to care for me. This guy, he really loved me. When I was 18, I
dumped him and he was devastated. . . . I had come to the conclu-
sion that I had to make money. That was important because that
had made my parents happy, or so I thought it had. (Michelle)

You knew nothing of what it was like to be a lesbian, so you just

never even considered it. . . . I guess through my teens before I
got married, I had met a few women that I was attracted to.
(Cathy)

Through the epiphanic process (suffering and transformation),

the participant’s wider world was opened up so that what was once
left in darkness (elements of self-identity) now tended toward illu-
mination. As Heidegger (1927) noted, “Dasein discovers the world
in its own way and brings it close, if it discloses itself, its own
authentic Being, then this discovery of the world and this disclo-
sure of Dasein are always accomplished as a clearing-away of con-
cealments and obscurities” (p. 129).
We can see this clearing away of concealments and obscurities
in Peter’s symbolic dream where he became open to the possibil-
ity of living (as opposed to dying via suicide) so that one day he
would speak at his daughter’s 21st birthday. Michelle’s life was
opened up to the possibility of living more openly by casting aside
her need to gain approval and validation from her parents and
others by seeking wealth and prestige. Janet’s second epiphany
was a clearing away of the concealments that hid her childhood
sexual assaults. Cathy was able to appropriate her freedom by
uncovering an alternative sexual orientation, enabling an expres-
sion of her deepest inclinations.
 Matthew G. McDonald 103

Self-Identity and Responsibility

Being condemned to freedom means being condemned to respon-

sibility (Sartre, 1948). We are responsible for our actions, our choices,
and the creation and ongoing definition of self-identity. Guilt is the
result of Dasein’s failure to take responsibility for its Being-toward-
possibilities (Heidegger, 1927, pp. 295-297). In the absence of
essence, and in the absence of God, human beings are free to be what
they adopt. Since man is thus self-surpassing and can grasp objects
only in relation to his or her self surpassing, the individual is at the
heart and center of her or his transcendence to which she or he
must take full responsibility (Sartre, 1948, p. 55). However, each
of the participants, prior to their epiphanies, eschewed their
responsibility:

I really think looking back on my life I was a child trying to live in

an adult world. That’s how I felt all the time. When there was a
problem, whether it was relationships or people at work or when I
was under a lot of stress at work, it would be nothing for me to be
out in my car four times a week sitting there crying. The corporate
world is just too difficult for a 7-year-old, and that’s how it felt.
(Michelle)

When I ran away from home, except for the first time, I always ran
away to the country. Traveling around the country was healing in
itself, almost spiritual. I was trying to run away from “me,” but
“me” was with me all the time. I didn’t really have any profound
realizations while I was doing that. It was just an adventure that
brought me away from myself; it was movement, no permanence. I
didn’t have to look at myself, just a journey ahead and another
adventure to be had. (Janet)

Nietzsche viewed responsibility as a commitment to a continu-

ally broadening process of appropriation and enlargement of
one’s capacity for a meaningful life (Nehamas, 2004, p. 88). For
example, Peter, following his epiphany, began to take responsibil-
ity by making choices and decisions in order to begin creating a
more purposeful life.

The very next day [after his epiphany] I approached Louise and said,
“I need to end our marriage. I can’t live like this. I need to take respon-
sibility for my life because I’ve now got a job to do. I’ve got something
very important to do and I’ve got to go and do it. We’re not growing each
other.” I asked the question, “Is this relationship growing each other?
Are we producing more than the sum of our parts? Are we inspiring
104 Epiphanic Experience

each other?” And I couldn’t answer any of the questions in the affirma-
tive. (Peter)

Self-Identity and Choice

Choice, like responsibility, is intimately connected to freedom

and the radical contingency and nondetermined condition of
human existence (Golomb, 1995, p. 143). With freedom comes
responsibility, and with responsibility come choices for defining
one’s self-identity. For Heidegger (1927, p. 266), choice is the pri-
mary means through which the process of individuation occurs and
the primary mode for overcoming alienation and the appropriation
of one’s possibilities. Sartre (1939, 1943, 1948) similarly saw choice
as a tool for defining and constituting personal identity. Essence
consists of what the individual chooses to do, so that actions are not
actions of the self; rather the self is a product of action.
Prior to their epiphanies, the participants’ capacity for choice
making, and more broadly their means of relating to the world,
was influenced and shaped by their alienation.

I . . . understood the concept of cowardice at a very early age. I

knew it was actually wrong to run away from these people. . . . I
would run away. Cowardice has been a huge burden in my life.
(Peter)

For years, that whole black suit thing and corporate working envi-
ronment. I just hated myself because underneath I knew I was try-
ing to be something I wasn’t. It was like I had no choice at the time.
I hated myself. (Michelle)

There was always the invisible control sitting on the back of my

shoulder. I was always alert and fearful. I felt unsure of myself.
(Cathy)

As the participants grew into adulthood, their choices continued

to stem from an alienated self-identity. This became the source of
their anxiety, depression, and inner turmoil prior to their epiphanies,
which generated a period of deep and penetrating self-questioning.
A willingness to question oneself, Kierkegaard (1849) argued, arises
out of the courage to become aware of one’s alienation. This provided
the participants with insight and perspective, inspiring them to cre-
ate new and more authentic elements of self-identity.
 Matthew G. McDonald 105

For Peter, it was a choice to accept that there was something

deeper within him, a voice he could share with the world; for
Michelle, it was a choice to renew and reaffirm a past passion and
desire to become a nurse; for Janet, it was a choice to acknowledge
the impact of sexual abuse in shaping her past, allowing her to rec-
oncile her life in the present and to project herself into the future;
for Cathy, it was a choice to create a new lesbian self-identity that
incorporated more supportive self-beliefs and alternative values.

Self-Identity and Temporality

Whenever Dasein tacitly understands and interprets something
like Being, it does so with time as its standpoint. Time must be
brought to light—and genuinely conceived—the horizon for all
understanding of Being and for any way of interpreting it.
—Heidegger (1927, p. 17)

Self-identity is a synthesis of one’s past, one’s future possibilities,

and being ahead of oneself in making a present (Heidegger, 1927,
p. 350). In contrast, theories of self-identity framed within the con-
cept of linear time are alienating because of their preoccupation with
the present at the expense of the past and future possibilities.
Authentic existence becomes lost in linear time because it denies the
narrative structure of self-identity, which is accomplished by cumu-
lativeness, coherence, and direction (Guignon, 1993, p. 230).
A temporal analysis of epiphanies begins with the experience of
anxiety, depression, and inner turmoil in the months and weeks
prior to the participant’s epiphany. According to Heidegger (1987,
p. 46), the essence of depression is a privation of time—one’s past is
contaminated, creating a barrier to the meaningful projection of
oneself into the future. Each of the participants, prior to his or her
epiphany(ies), viewed his or her past life through the prism of either
victimhood (Michelle, Janet, Cathy) or omnipotence (Peter). The
past was relived over and again as a series of either shameful (vic-
timhood) or guilt-inducing (omnipotent) events.
Through the pain of depression, the participants asked them-
selves fundamental existential questions (e.g., Who am I? What is
the purpose and meaning of my life? Is my life worth living any-
more?). This quest for answers illuminated their inauthentic and
authentic modes of existence, providing the impetus and inspira-
tion to uncover and reconstruct their life stories in more coherent
ways. The participants achieved this by renewing their respective
106 Epiphanic Experience

pasts by integrating them into a more unified narrative, enabling

them to project themselves more meaningfully into the future.

I think I used to be the child I was—the abused child—but now

that child is OK. At the time, I thought everything about me was
rotten. Really, I was a shy child. Whether things would have been
different if circumstance had been different I don’t know, but I
think really I was quite shy and sensitive and would never have
been the leader of the pack at school. It’s just an acceptance that
that was the child I was and that child is now actually fine.
(Michelle)

I was doing things that I wasn’t even aware of, so once you become
aware, you become more in tune with yourself. (Janet)

Self-Identity, Anxiety, and Depression

Emotion is not an accident, it is a mode of our conscious existence,
one of the ways in which consciousness understands . . . its
Being-in-the-world.
—Sartre (1939, p. 61)

Anxiety and depression represent a uniquely human experi-

ence because unlike animals, human beings are open to their
world; they are interpretative, temporal, meaning-making crea-
tures (Heidegger, 1927; Kierkegaard, 1845). The root of anxiety
and depression is an overriding sense of meaninglessness con-
cerning one’s past and possible future, leading to a closing down
of one’s possibilities. In contrast to modern theories of psy-
chopathology (Salecl, 2004), Kierkegaard (1849) viewed melan-
choly, irony, anxiety, and despair as the beginning of selfhood;
they are moods that prompt a deep and penetrating inspection of
one’s existence, including one’s tragedies.

The warden locked the cell door, and this terrible fear arose inside
me. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed and somebody’s mouthing off
in the next cell. Babbling on. I’m looking around and I’ve been told
this is my home for the next 2 weeks until I go to court, and I’m
thinking, “I can’t believe I’m in here. I want to get out. . . . Why
am I here? I’m not a bad person. Why have I ended up here? How
is it that my life has become so out of control?” (Janet)

You’ve had enough and you really don’t care anymore about what
others might think of you. I just remember asking myself the ques-
tion, “What about me?” It really becomes about survival. You come
to this momentous decision, “Am I going to live, because I haven’t
 Matthew G. McDonald 107

made a decision on that yet? If I am going to live, it’s going to be

my life, because if I have to keep living like this, I am not going to
stay around anymore.” (Cathy)

It is argued that the trigger for the participants’ epiphanies was

the manner in which they resolved their suffering. A common
approach to suffering is to trade one’s static, alienated self-identity
for another static, alienated self-identity (Kierkegaard, 1849). In
contrast, the participants in this inquiry chose to resolve their suf-
fering by making a frightening leap toward a yet-to-be-determined
self-identity (Golomb, 1995, p. 51; Sartre, 1948, pp. 27-28).

One of the biggest changes since my epiphany is that I feel I have

permission to open the box titled Peter’s Identity. . . . What are
the things in this box that actually says the identity of who this
person is? And that’s pretty exciting, and that’s keeping me alive
more than anything because now I’m intrigued. I know it’s not an
empty box anymore. (Peter)

I used to always look at other people and think they do that well,
their hair looks great, and maybe I should do that. A lot of them
were men like my father that I looked up to. Since the epiphany,
there hasn’t been anyone. I really don’t feel like that about people
anymore. I don’t want to be anyone else. I feel like when I meet
people, they’re not on that pedestal anymore. . . . Since I have
more of an identity about myself, there’s not that great need to go
out and find it in others. (Michelle)

Self-Identity and Relatedness

Self-identity is always in context with others; we exist in a rela-

tional field. Our fundamental relatedness means that our awareness
of ourselves is intersubjective (Heidegger, 1927, pp. 118-119; Sartre,
1948, p. 45). The participant’s capacity for relatedness, and the for-
mation of an ontologically secure self-identity (Laing, 1960, p. 39),
was arrested because of his or her relational experiences in child-
hood and adolescence.

From that time [the attack in the common], that set in place a
chain of insecurity and inferiority about my looks, about who I was,
my whole identity. (Peter)

My parents ignored my sister and I; it was like this disease that

ran through my whole family. (Michelle)
108 Epiphanic Experience

She [her mother] was totally controlled by my father when he was

around, and she played the submissive role. When he wasn’t
around, she would often complain to us children about him; how-
ever, when he was around, it was suddenly her and him against the
kids. (Cathy)

As a result of their respective epiphanies and the creation of a

more ontologically secure self-identity, each of the participants’
capacity for relatedness improved. Their epiphanies illuminated
their isolation from, and fear of, others. As they grew in confi-
dence, they became more honest with themselves and less defen-
sive, pulling away their masks and learning to be more open and
genuine with others. As Golomb (1990, p. 246) argued, it is only
by changing one’s relationship with oneself that one is able to
change one’s relationships with others.
What is striking about the participants’ experience of life before
and after their epiphanies is the courage they drew from making a
leap toward a yet-to-be-determined self-identity; this had implica-
tions for each of the participants in the way they began to negotiate
the fundamental condition of relatedness. For example, as Peter let go
of his victim mentality, he was able to finally make a decision to end
his loveless, sexless marriage. Michelle’s increased self-awareness
and confidence, which stemmed from the construction of greater
meaning and purpose in her life, gave her the courage to let go of her
needy-dependent behavior, enabling her to forge deeper, less superfi-
cial connections with others. By facing and transcending her shame
and guilt, Janet was able to summon up the courage to take the man
who raped her to court. Cathy’s coming out as a lesbian gave her the
courage to live by and express her own values, instead of trying to
please and gain approval from others.

Self-Identity and the Socio-Cultural World

Nietzsche saw the process of authenticity as an artistic creation to

be expressed in much the same way as a writer approaches a literary
work; self-identity is uniquely distinctive with no template or pregiven
standards (Golomb, 1995, pp. 68-69; Guignon, 2004b, p. 131). Nietzsche
(1895) believed that because of the challenges posed by this monu-
mental task, many individuals, and society more widely, prefer to
avoid it. They do this by hiding behind social, political, and religious
ideologies/identities or other alienated identities that seek to protect
and immure against the conditions of existence. In the participants’
life stories, we see various sociocultural standards close down the
possibility for authentic modes of existence.
 Matthew G. McDonald 109

Catholic schools are very unjust places because they support the
strong and subjugate the weak. It’s a real survival of the fittest
environment, like Lord of the Flies. (Peter)

I remember my confirmation in church, and it just made me feel

even more guilty for having allowed myself to be raped. It was
around the time of my confirmation that I began smoking mari-
juana. (Janet)

As I was growing up, I realized that homosexuality for both men

and women was a taboo subject. I remember being taught by a
teacher who was a lesbian, and when I told my parents, they
explained that it was something that should never be talked about:
“You keep these things to yourself.” . . . At school, homosexuality
was only ever talked about in a derogatory manner or as a form of
verbal abuse. . . . I had boyfriends at school and remember being
well liked by them, yet you knew nothing of what it was like to be
a lesbian, so you just never even considered it. (Cathy)

The participants’ epiphanies represented an overcoming of

repressive sociocultural standards; for example, in Janet’s life
story, we see the development of greater spiritual maturation
away from organized religion, whereas in Cathy, we see a new-
found courage to face society’s prejudices toward homosexuality.

I have become very skeptical of religion. If you look at my parents,

they are supposed to be religious, but they’re not spiritual people.
Their religious faith has more to do with tradition in terms of what
should be done rather than any emphasis on a spiritual life. . . .
Since my epiphany, I feel I have become a more spiritual person,
especially in the way I think about death. . . . I’m definitely more
spiritual because of it, but I’m definitely not religious like my
parents. (Janet)

There is a lot of fear and prejudice around lesbians, or gay couples

in general. . . . Because you are gay, people think that you are
attracted to all women. This isn’t right. Lesbians are attracted to
other lesbians. . . . A lesbian is a woman who is attracted to other
lesbians. (Cathy)

Self-Identity, Meaning, and Purpose

A meaningful life begins with a commitment to openness, illu-

mination, and insight and a commitment to one’s possibilities as
opposed to being closed off, concealed, and alienated (Heidegger,
cited in Guignon, 2004a, p. 128). If we accept the idea that self-
identity is a vocation, then part of this task is to create something
110 Epiphanic Experience

that is worth living and fighting for, even dying for (van Deurzen,
2002, p. 32). The paradox inherent in this struggle is that one
must first pass through a crisis of meaninglessness (Sartre, 1938)
by confronting utter despair (Kierkegaard, 1849).

I realized from the time I began working that I had been pursuing
something, chasing something, some sort of purpose that was
defined by career and not necessarily by a breadth of who you are,
and an identity. So I wasn’t building an all-round person. . . .
After periods of crisis I simply fell into a deep sleep. . . . In a
sense, I had become alienated from myself, everyone, and every-
thing around me. (Peter)

I was extremely lonely. It was like I was in this huge city. There
were people bustling everywhere, and I wasn’t a part of it. That
made it even lonelier. . . . I would think, “Where are they going?
What have they got to do? These people have somewhere to go,
something to do. They know who they are. They know what to do.
They’ve got a loved one somewhere.” It was always that sense of
not knowing who I am, what I’m supposed to be doing. (Michelle)

Meaning and purpose, according to van Deurzen (2002, p. 184),

can be created only if we are prepared to make those commitments
to our conscious dictates. Listening to one’s inner voice offers
insight into the contrasting modes of inauthentic and authentic
self-identity, which stimulate an awareness and understanding of
new meaning. Awareness of the various modes of existence offers
alternative self-identities, ones with new possibilities, priorities,
values, and basic assumptions. By listening to their conscious dic-
tates, the participants became inspired and motivated to begin tak-
ing responsibility for defining themselves by committing to a
purpose and, with it, a new direction in life.

I think that’s what I want my mission in life to be. Someone who

sits there and is a modern-day scribe of these things. Someone who
can be a philosopher and share those stories with other people in
life. That’s a mission now. I never realized that it was something
that was accessible to me. I never realized that that’s the mythol-
ogy of who I am and what I want to be. So I’ve started to get to the
point of identity. (Peter)

For me, nursing isn’t about sticking up IVs and things like that.
[It’s a] sense that there was a place for me at the very heart of who
I was. It’s . . . about connecting with people. That’s what really
sustains me. The money wasn’t sustaining me. Money wasn’t giv-
ing me that sense of connecting with people. (Michelle)
 Matthew G. McDonald 111

CONCLUSION

To sum up, the participants’ epiphanic transformations began

with a crisis of meaninglessness and guilt associated with the
deliberate closing down of their possibilities. This led to frustra-
tion, discontent, and eventually turmoil, depression, and neurotic
anxiety. The participants’ strategies for avoiding the conditions of
existence began to fail, out of which arose a distinctive catalytic
depression characterized by intense self-analysis and a penetrat-
ing reflection on their situation in the world. They acknowledged
and encountered the conditions of existence (freedom, responsibil-
ity, choice, temporality, anxiety and depression, meaning and pur-
pose, and others such as death), which provided the impetus for a
reappraisal and questioning of their basic assumptions, values,
and beliefs. This created a dissonance between the minor insights
gained during this period of self-analysis and the past choices they
had made in their life. This process was coupled with a significant
event, whether coincidental or not, in which the participants
responded with sheer force of will and passion by summoning a
profound insight or perspective into consciousness, which led to the
painful realization of their inauthentic mode of existence. The par-
ticipants resolved to overcome their alienation by undertaking a
frightening leap (existential leap) into the unknown toward a new
and more authentic self-identity, where they were prepared to
acknowledge and negotiate the conditions of existence.
In terms of implications, it is argued that this inquiry illus-
trates one process by which adult survivors of child abuse may
achieve recovery. It provides an understanding on the nature of
growth and transcendence in a population whose development in
childhood is often seriously arrested. It builds on anecdotal evi-
dence from the field of trauma counseling, which suggests that
sudden positive transformations in adult survivors of childhood
abuse are not a rare phenomenon (Tennen & Affleck, 1998, pp. 86-
88). In fact, sudden positive transformations in general are more
common than many people think. For example, stories from par-
ticipants of Alcoholics Anonymous are littered with accounts of suf-
ferers who have reported the sudden and complete loss of the desire
to drink, persisting for the remainder of their lives (Forcehimes,
2004; Kurtz, 1988).
One of the most striking aspects of this inquiry was the way in
which the participants negotiated the existential dilemmas in
their lives, using them to redefine their self-identities, testifying
112 Epiphanic Experience

to the power of human freedom and choice in triggering positive

transformations. It also highlights the extraordinary resources that
the participants called on to make positive lifelong changes, all of
which occurred outside the consulting room. This suggests that other,
less intensive forms of personal development, such as Alcoholics
Anonymous, outdoor education (such as Outward Bound), and career
development and counseling, have the potential to trigger positive
change and transformation by creating opportunities for participants
to reflect on the fundamental conditions of existence and the manner
in which they encounter and negotiate these givens of life.
Finally, epiphanies are just one type of positive change and growth
among many others; they are no more or less important than other
slower, more incremental types of positive change. Furthermore,
authentic modes of existence may be illuminated through an epiphany
but never permanently attained. Authenticity is a transient state of
existence because the self, according to Heidegger (1927), is immersed
in the average everyday—in alienation—and so is continuously drawn
toward the inauthentic (Ciaffa, 1987). Therefore, epiphanies do not
represent the final goal or endpoint in a journey toward self-becoming.

NOTE

1. Pseudonyms have been used to identify each of the participants.

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