Erasure

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/31898854.

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/M
Fandom: Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn, Bridgerton (TV)
Relationship: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington, Colin Bridgerton & Penelope
Featherington
Character: Colin Bridgerton, Penelope Featherington
Additional Tags: Sorry Not Sorry, it’s sad, Inspired by Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless
Mind
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2021-06-12 Updated: 2022-07-23 Chapters: 4/? Words:
6317

Erasure
by polinandbees

Summary

Penelope Featherington finds her heart hurts too much and so she finds a solution.

Notes

This was just an idea that I had to write down. It’s so short but I couldn’t help it.

See the end of the work for more notes

 Chapter 1

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

The redhead closed her eyes as her chest rose with the deep breath she took. Her mind races a mile
a minute as the question hangs between her and the man to her right.

Every moment and memory comes to the forefront of her mind as she continues to ponder that
question.

“I’m Colin.”

“I’m going away. You’ve really inspired me to finally travel.”

“You’re a very good friend, Penelope.”

Green eyes looking down at her with love but not the kind she so desperately wants. Her heart
aches and her hands shake as she nods her head. She can’t live with him in her head any longer.

“I love you. I know it’s probably not the same for you but I just had to get that out there.”
Penelope speaks softly, a slight tremble in her voice.

“Pen…” Her stomach lurches at the pitiful sound of his voice. Oh god. He pities her.

“No. I get it. I gotta go.” She speaks low but quickly as she turns to leave but his hand shoots out
and grasps her arm.

“I love you too. As a friend. But I’m with Marina now.”

She knows. That’s why she’d felt compelled to admit it.

He’d fallen for her own cousin. Someone she’d even confided in about her longtime crush.

The ache in heart chest felt like it was going to tear her heart wide open. But she just nodded her
head. She’d just endured her first and deepest heartache at the young age of 20.

A few years pass, she never forgets but she has moved on. In some ways.

“I will never marry Penelope Featherington.”

It’s so loud and almost disgusted as he stands on the front steps of his childhood home. She’s
twisting again. Her insides feel like erupting from inside her and the earth should swallow her
whole.

But it doesn’t.

Instead, she holds her ground and speaks firmly that she never asked him. Then she’s gone again.

It takes months before she can stand to see him again. She’d heard he was home and so she kept to
herself and didn’t go over.

One day, she finally finds the courage to come over to Bridgerton House while Colin is there. He
smiles and hugs her like a dutiful family friend.
He’s got a tan from Greece and there’s an initial on his necklace that isn’t his. She must stare at it
too long because he explains himself. Carefully. But she knows.

“I met a good friend on the trip. It’s theirs.”

It’s hers.

Her brain corrects with sorrow.

She smiles like a good friend should and the night continues as normal as the storm inside her
suddenly becomes a category 5 hurricane.

Later that night, she’s surfing the web when she sees the ad.

‘Come bring us all your memories you wish to forget! With just one short treatment, specific
hurtful and painful memories can be fully erased from your mind..’

It’s tempting. So tempting that she slams her laptop shut and tossed it aside.

But…

It’s when he shows up with the Grecian goddess to family dinner and she’s sporting a ring on her
left hand that she decides she can no longer take it.

Eloise and Fran’s looks of sorrow directed towards her causing her to back away for the family
moment. She slips out without being noticed and before she’s even to her car, she’s called the
number she saved weeks ago.

“Dr. Tran’s office for memory erasure, how can I help you?”

“Yes. I’m sure. But just memories of him, right?”

She just needs the ache to go away.

“Yes. He’ll be erased from memories. Not the memories all together.”

She nods. She didn’t want to lose all the Bridgertons.

A few hours later, she comes to. Her eyes blinking away the brightness of the light.

“Penelope... can you tell me who Colin is?” The nurse asks quietly.

Penelope’s brow furrows as she tries to remember what she doesn’t know she forgot.

“I don’t know...”

The nurse simply smiled sadly at her.

“Good.”
 Fallout
Chapter Summary

Colin gets some bad news.

Chapter Notes

Hi. You’re probably wondering why I’m here. Well, I’m a teacher and it’s summer
break so I actually have time to write. Tada.

Sorry. Hopefully it won’t be another year wait.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Colin

The notification bubble to the right of his screen makes him smile. He’d been working on his
newest project of combining his blogs and travel journals into his own novel. But the email was a
welcome reprieve.

He clicks it and is even more pleased to see who it’s from. Penelope. They corresponded from time
to time but ever since he got engaged, she’d gone silent. He couldn’t blame her. He knew how she
felt and as much as she denied still feeling that way, he knew there was always going to be this
thing between them.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Dear Colin,

I’m not sure how to start this, but I suppose I need to explain myself. I’d like to start out by saying
that if you are reading this, I’ve already made an irreversible decision. I must admit, it is quite
cowardly of me to send this after the fact. But I knew you’d try to stop me and I’ve made up my
mind.

A few weeks ago, I contacted a doctor’s office that specializes in memory and memory erasure.
The doctor is quite kind in what she does. Taking the darkest moments of our lives and erasing
them from our minds and most importantly, our hearts.

Colin, I gave you my heart a long time ago. It was without thought or even my own permission. I
fell for you quickly after we met and with every moment we spent together, it only grew. No
matter how much I tried to stop it, I just couldn’t. Every part of me just couldn’t ignore the pull I
felt towards you.

It’s obviously not your fault that you don’t feel the same way. But it doesn’t keep the hurt at bay.
I would like to precursor this by saying I am so incredibly happy that you’ve found your person.
No one deserves it more than you. She is beautiful and from what I hear, very kind. I know you’d
settle for no less.

But… I want my heart back. I need my heart back. Everyday I wake up and I can’t make these
feelings go away. I try to date and I try to distract myself but nothing makes it stop.

Again, if you’re reading this then I’ve already completed the procedure. I set this email to send
automatically a few weeks following. I knew that if I changed my mind, you wouldn’t even need to
know.

I need you to tell Eloise that I’m sorry. She tried to talk me out of it numerous times and I told her
I’d think about it but I can’t. It hurts too much.

I hope someday you’ll forgive me and maybe we can even be friends again and make new
memories. But please give me some time. Or this will all be for nothing.

I’m not erasing everything. The doctor told me I can keep your family and she says you’ll be
simply in the background. But those deep and powerful moments that my heart holds onto will be
gone forever.

I have to say it once more and then it’ll be gone forever…

I love you, Colin. I always have and I always would have.

With all my heart and sincerest apologies,

Penelope

Colin is struck speechless as he sits back in his chair. He digests every word and even reads it
again. He’s unsure if he’s read it correctly but on the third go, he’s sure of it.

It’s an odd feeling. One he never knew he’d have to face. As selfish as it is, one constant in his life
had always been Penelope. He loved her presence and sense of humor. She’d often help him edit
his blogs and she’d even read the first few chapters of his novel.

Besides his siblings, he felt closest to her over anyone.

And now she wouldn’t know him from a stranger on the street.

Colin reaches for his phone and quickly dials his sister, Eloise. She picks up on the second ring but
she’s whispering harshly.

“What?!” He has to pull his phone away from his ear to make sure he’d called the right person.

“El.. where is she?” He runs a worried hand through his hair and suddenly the salty sea air and the
waves crashing against the rocks below don’t soothe as they used to.

“She’s in the living room. Which is why I’m whispering.” Eloise says harshly once again.

“Who is it?” He can hear Penelope’s melodic voice in the background and his mouth is suddenly
dry. He can’t speak or even think because she doesn’t know him.

“My brother Colin. I think you met him once twice.” Eloise offers off to the side and Colin has to
close his eyes against the onslaught of emotions.

“Oh, right... You want some popcorn?” He can hear her voice fading as she walks away and
suddenly he’s too far away. Too far from London. From his family. From her .

“I’ll be home soon.” He starts to look around the room for his suitcase.

“Why? Don’t you and Ella have plans or something?”

Fuck. His fiancée.

Fuck.

“Right. Well, I’ll just cancel. She’ll understand.” He finds his suitcase and begins to haphazardly
throw his clothes inside.

“She’ll understand that you’re running back home because your best friend who was deeply in love
with you no longer remembers you and that’s more important than her? She’s nice, Colin, but the
woman isn’t a saint.” Eloise sighs in exasperation.

“If she doesn’t understand, then maybe I shouldn’t marry her.” He speaks harshly back at his
sister.

“Colin…” Ella speaks softly from the doorway. His back is to her and his eyes close because of
course she’d hear that.

“I have to go. I’ll call you when I get to London.” He hangs up before she can protest and turns to
his fiancée.

“Ella… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound like—” she holds up her hand to stop him and moves
closer.

“It’s alright, my love. It sounds important. Do you need me there? I was hoping to do some more
things for the wedding here.” She moves closer and her hands rest on his chest. The metal of the
ring on her finger almost sears the skin of his chest through his shirt.

The idea of a wedding causing his chest to tighten.

“Sure. That makes sense.” He shouldn’t be so relieved.

“Well, call me when you land, will you?” She kisses his lips and he smiles tightly.

Suddenly this all feels so wrong. But he can’t tell exactly which part of all this feels so bad.

Clara’s love or Penelope’s…

“Of course.” He pecks her cheek and grabs the rest of his stuff. “Love you.”

A few hours later, he’s sitting at his gate that isn’t even set to leave for another hour. His leg is
bouncing up and down as he reads over her email once again.

‘I love you, Colin. I always have and I always would have.’

He breaks a bit then and he feels his eyes mist a bit but he clears his throat and looks around. He
can’t believe he’s mourning someone who’s not even gone. As selfish as it is, Penelope’s adoration
and constant companionship was something he thought would always be there.
His stomach rolls slightly at the thought. He can’t believe he’s taken this long to realize how
despicable his actions have been. Constantly flaunting his life and loves in front of his best friend
who gave him her whole heart.

His own thoughts and feelings are a confusing mess inside his head. He’s always adored and loved
Pen.

But in love?

Once he’s at Heathrow, he texts the only person he trusts to be straightforward with him.

[ text : can you come get me from the airport?]

He slides his phone back into his pocket and heads towards a little cafe in the airport to wait. He
hadn’t planned much and he wasn’t even sure if most of his family knew he was back.

His phone chimes with a new text. Just a quick affirmative and then he’s standing waiting.

The familiar black sedan rolls up and he slides in easily once it stops in front of him. He puts his
backpack down between his legs before looking over.

“How are you doing?” Kate gives him a sad smile.

“I don’t really know.” He’s honestly a little lost. He rubs at his chest and that constant hollow
feeling he’s had ever since he read her email.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” He asks quietly as he looks out the window at passing cars and
buildings.

“No one knew until the last minute and Pen shut off her phone and didn’t let anyone know where
she was. She knew we’d all try to change her mind. She’s been broken-hearted for a long time but I
didn’t think she’d do something this drastic.” Kate thankfully doesn’t look at Colin.

His hand rubs at that pain in his chest once again.

“I didn’t know…” He whispers more to himself and Kate scoffs at his words.

“You didn’t know?” She asks with incredulity dripping from every word.

“No. I mean, I knew she thought she was into me. Okay? But I just thought it was a crush. She
always looked at me like I hung the moon but I knew she’d find someone else. I was never…”

Good enough.

Penelope’s love for him had always made him uncomfortable. Not in a pushy way. Just… in how
much she seemed to believe she loved him. He knew they would never work. He was flighty and
impatient and no one took him seriously. Penelope deserved the world and he couldn’t give her
that.

She was smart and witty and successful. He was barely competent and maybe just a little funny
and a jobless nomad.

“I think I love her.” Colin finally whispers and he’s astonished at the revelation.

Because it’s like a punch to the gut.

 “I think you do, too.” Kate whispers back as they sit in the car in front of Number Five. She puts a
comforting hand on his shoulder. “But I think you need to ask yourself a question. One you might
not like the answer to.”

“What’s that?” Colin turns to her, a lone brow raised in question.

“Is this what’s best for her? You are barreling back into her life. One that she’s been doing very
well at, I might add. She’s happier, lighter. She’s even been on a few dates.” Kate pauses as she
looks toward the house. “I can tell you with 99 percent certainty that Penelope will move on with
her life. She will find love. She will find success. She’s too amazing to not.”

Colin swallows hard as he stares at his sister in law. Her dark features are striking in how serious
she seems.

He knows what she’s implying. His next moves will be beyond selfish. He has to be sure.

He takes a moment to ponder his existence without his best friend. No more inside jokes or
sneaking off to get away from insufferable people. No more shy glances or watching the blush
creep over her cheeks when he catches her staring. No more laughing from beside the refreshments
table at a boring party.

No more Penelope.

“Colin…” Kate calls after him once he exits the car, the window down for him to hear. “I think
you need to decide if it’s something you really want… if you’re going to turn her whole world
upside down, make sure it’s what you want.”

He can’t blame her for the words or protectiveness. He knows Kate adores her as much as the rest
of his family.

When she drives away, he just stands there. He mulls over her words.

That ache in his chest is back. Or did it ever go away?

Is this what she felt?

He shuffles to the door and shuts it behind him. Once inside, he doesn’t make his presence known.
He just goes to his old room. He closes the door and locks it.

Chapter End Notes

Yeah. Colin’s a dick. Kinda like in the book. But if I can get my shit together imma
make the boy suffer a bit. Maahaha.

Anyways… hope you liked. Send me love cuz I like positive affirmation and all that.
 Vacant
Chapter Summary

Siblings, amirite?

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Colin

Colin wakes to a cold splash of water on his face. He gasps and sputters as he sits up. It takes a
moment to remember where he is and why he’s there. He sees his younger sister, Eloise, staring
daggers at him and holding a glass cup.

“Morning, brother. I think we need to have a talk.” She sets the glass down on his nightstand and
scoots his old desk chair next to his bed. She tosses him a towel to wipe his face.

Well, at least she has the decency to do that, he thinks to himself

Once his eyes are clear, he can see that she’s not alone. Franny sits on his window seat and Daphne
stands at the doorway.

Each one looking at him with varying degrees of pity.

Eloise showing the least.

“Colin… I think it’s best we speak before you do anything of consequence.” Daphne uses her best
diplomatic voice to convey the seriousness of the situation they find themselves in.

“Translation: we want to talk before you do anything stupid. And when it comes to Pen, that’s
something you specialize in.” Eloise leveled him with a look that gave no room for arguments.

“No witty comments from you, Franny?” Colin glanced over at his silent sister.

“I’m not quite sure you want to hear what I have to say.” Francesca said gravely. He frowned at his
little sister.

“Colin…” Daphne steps further into his childhood bedroom and takes a seat on the edge of his bed.
“I want to show you something.”

Daphne reaches behind her to take something from El. Once she passes it to him, he sees a phone
queued up to a video. A familiar redhead at the center of the screen causes a small pang in his
chest. That constant aching at seeing someone who’s been there all along but him being too
stubborn to see it.

She presses play and the scene is one he recognizes. She’s laughing at one of their family game
nights. She looks over at Colin, who’s holding his fiancée close. Her smile falters slightly before
the camera quickly pans away.

“Why are you showing me this?” Before any of them can reply, Daphne hits play again.

The next video looks more recent. He’s never seen Penelope’s hair that short. Or that blonde. It
looks… beautiful. Mature. She looks confident and happy. It’s obviously another Bridgerton
family night but he’s not there. He can tell it’s after the procedure and it cuts him deep.

He’s never been one to cry or get emotional but seeing the stark contrast of his beautiful best friend
from then to now. And knowing the only difference is her memories of him. Her feelings for him
are gone.

He looks away from the screen and swallows hard. He blinks a few times to get the sting from his
eyes but it barely helps.

Fuck. She’s beautiful

She always had this charm and warmth about her. The adoration and glow in her eyes whenever
they talked was like a drug to him. A horribly selfish drug that he took for granted way too often.

He could feel the darkness seeping within him at the thought of never having that again. Of never
being able to talk without fear of judgement to the one person whose opinion always mattered most

He hangs his head and puts his face in his palms. He takes a deep breath and he just… mourns. He
mourns the loss of his beloved Penelope. He’d do anything to go back and find the words and way
to make her see that they belonged together. Although, that was never the problem. No. He was the
one who was blinded.

Like a constant painting on a wall within your home. It’s beauty is ever present. Those who walk
through often notice it. But you grow more and more accustomed to seeing it everyday that you
forget it is even there.

Until it isn’t. Until all that’s left is a blank space and then, you notice. Then you see how well it fit
within the space.

He vaguely heard some whispers before the bed jostled and three pairs of arms wrapped around
him. He doesn’t shed any tears.

Because he doesn’t deserve to shed them.

Later that day…

Colin stands at the kitchen’s island and sips the cup of tea his mother prepared for him. His head
hurts. He’s spent his morning contemplating and writing and burrowing his feelings deep inside
himself.

His hand rubs at his chest again and the pain of tightness causes him to close his eyes. Every time
he feels this hurt, he realizes that he did this to Pen. He did this to himself.

It’s a cold night in November as the two friends sit side by side. Both with full bellies and smiles as
they had just had one of the famous Bridgerton family dinners.
“Where are you going this time?” Penelope asks softly before taking another sip of her red wine.

Colin had been distractedly looking up at the clear sky when she spoke. He looked over to her with
a grin.

“I was thinking about Tibet. Maybe seeing Everest and the Himalayas.” Colin had been planning
for only a short while but he was already excited.

“That sounds like fun. I wish I could do something like that.” Penelope chuckled as she sat down
her wine glass. She leaned back against her palms and closed her eyes as she tilted her face up
towards the sky.

The moonlight caused her pale skin to almost glow and Colin could only smile at the familiarity of
everything Penelope. She was family.

“Come with me. I was thinking of going to Jordan next and then anywhere you want. It’ll be
unforgettable. Come on.” He was actually excited at the prospect of having her come along with
him. He wanted to watch the joyful smiles spreading across her lips with every new experience
they had together.

“I can’t. I have work and… my mother would be insufferable about it all.” She seems to be
concentrating quite hard. “Besides, shouldn’t you ask Marina?”

He knew she’d probably say no but it hurts all the same. Especially when she brings up Marina.
The whole relationship with her had been tumultuous. His family had their reservations about her
and the fact that she was Pen’s cousin didn’t help.

“No. She said she would prefer something less ‘rustic’. Her words, not mine.” He begins to fidget
with the grass just beneath the steps.

They both grow silent then. He appreciates that Penelope doesn’t have to fill the silence. She can
just be with him.

He can hear her take a deep breath like she’s steeling herself for something. He looks over with a
raised brow.

“Penny for your thoughts, Pen?” He smiles at her after his ridiculous joke.

Her cheeks are flushed a beautiful pink hue as she blushes. He frowns as he grows concerned with
her silence.

“Pen..?”

“I love you. I know it’s probably not the same for you but I just had to get that out there.”
Penelope speaks softly, a slight tremble in her voice.

His stomach drops at her words. No. No. No.

Not now. Not here. He’s unsure how to respond. He wants to say so many things.

How she’s beautiful and amazing and everything any man would be lucky to have.

How he loves her in a way but not that way.

That she deserves someone better and someone here.

But all that comes out is “Pen…”

“No. I get it. I gotta go.” She speaks low but quickly as she turns to leave but his hand shoots out
and grasps her arm. He can’t have her leave like this. His throat is dry as he swallows and looks
into her beautiful blue eyes. Blue eyes that are filling with moisture.

“I love you too. As a friend. But I’m with Marina now.”

Looking back, he was beyond an idiot. Even back then, years before last night's realization, he felt
it. That spark that Penelope always seemed to set ablaze inside him.

“Oh. Hi there. Do you know where Violet is?” His head snaps up as he hears the voice constantly
finding him in his dreams.

His mouth falls open as he stares at the woman occupying the doorframe. He stands straight and
can’t find any words. He’d wanted more time. Time to gather his thoughts and his feelings but
she’s standing there. She’s looking at him like he’s an idiot.

She looks so good. Her hair is a bit shorter with more waves and less curl. Her smile is
unencumbered by history. Their history. The green shirt and black pencil skirt make her look more
refined and less like the little girl who used to follow him around.

“I’m sorry… I’ll just find her myself.” She begins to back out of the kitchen as her smile fades.

“No!!” He says a bit too loudly and winces. “I mean, no. I know where she is. Let me show you.”

“Oh. Great.” She laughs softly and a bit nervously. “You’re Colin, right?”

He leads her towards his mother’s crafting room, also known as her drawing room. He opens the
door and finds the room empty. He can feel her eyes on him as he looks around for his mother.

He stops and looks back at her. Eyes alight with a knowing confusion. Her teeth worry her lower
lip like she does when she’s trying to figure out a really hard answer.

“Yes. That’s me.” He says awkwardly and turns his back to her to roll his eyes at his foolishness.

He turns back to smile at the warm eyes of his best friend. They’re friendly but far from
knowledgeable of who he is.

“Right. Well, it’s nice to formally meet you. I’ve heard…” She furrows her brow as her sentence
drops off at the end.

“All good things I hope?” He can feel one side of his lips lilting upwards as he smirks at her.

“Never!” Colin turns to the other doorway leading into his mother’s drawing room. His sister’s
singular word caused his eyes to roll.

Eloise marches herself over to Penelope as the rest of the women of his family seem to pour into
the room. Eloise slings an arm around her best friend as she stares daggers at him.

“If he was bothering you, just let me know.” El whispers conspiratorially but loud enough for
everyone to hear.

“He was a perfect gentleman.” Penelope smiles warmly across the room at him and he returns it
with one of his own.
 He notices for the first time since he’s known her, his smile doesn’t cause a soft blush to move
over her cheeks. It takes him a moment to recover before he’s exiting the room with a mumbled
goodbye.

Chapter End Notes

Hello,

I would just like to inform you all that you might not like me soon but hey. The story
is taking me places in terms of storyline and I’m kinda loving it.

More soon.
 Brotherly Advice
Chapter Summary

Benedict sits Colin down to talk.

Colin

Everyone gave Colin a break the rest of the afternoon. No one disturbed him as he wallowed in his
bedroom. He watched the people out his window as they were living their happy lives, ignorant to
his plight.

The vacant warmth in Penelope’s eyes replayed again and again. He was nothing to her. Nothing to
one of the only people outside of his family that meant a damn to him.

The leather bound journal in his lap was worn as his thumb absentmindedly moved back and forth
along its cover.

“It’s just a little something to keep track of your adventures.” Penelope’s lips lift into a wide smile
as she hands him the wrapped gift.

Colin was set to leave the next day on his first quest at finding something more for himself. The
redhead before him is one of his best motivators. The idea of traveling was just a fever dream when
he voiced the fantasy to his dearest friend.

She made it sound not as childish and crazy as he thought others would. It allowed him to feel free
enough to push past the fear of others expectations and just do it.

“Pen… you didn’t have to.” He begins to tear at the gift wrap and once he reveals the treasure
beneath he looks up at her.

“I’m sure you’ll probably have your computer to document things. I just figured no explorer should
go without a leather bound journal to record his escapades.” The telltale sign of a blush begins to
spread over her pale cheeks.

The brown leather journal is bound beautifully. A tie wraps around it in the same material of
leather. On the bottom right corner his initials are inlaid in gold. He couldn’t ever find the right
occasion to write in it. It felt too precious and too sentimental. But he always kept it close for the
right moment he could set pen to paper.

He looks down at the blank pages once he opens it. He stands, walking over to his desk and sits
down.

The reality of the situation he finds himself in smacked him like a freight train when he looked into
her eyes. When he sees her after an exciting trip, she’s always the first he talks to about his
adventures. She’s not rolling her eyes or yawning because she’s bored. She’s actually listening .

But this time? None of that. No chummy inside jokes or small, shy smiles from her. Just…
nothing.
The pages are meant to look aged with a darker tone than white and rough edges. There’s no lines
but he prefers it that way. Margins only mean no room for mistakes… and he’s aware he makes
plenty.

His phone rings suddenly, breaking him out of his reverie and he almost doesn’t answer it. His eyes
catch the contact's name and his heart almost stills within his chest.

“Fuck! Ella…”

He stared at the picture of them on the white sands of some beach in Greece. She’s looking up at
him with a huge smile as his own eyes look out along the horizon. His mind elsewhere as a lazy
smile graces his lips.

It rings again. And again.

He’s already made a giant mess of things with Penelope.

Now the one woman who’s trusted him without question as he dropped everything and traveled
over a thousand miles away without an explanation…

“Hello?” Colin finally answers because he’s made a big enough mess of his life. A big part of him
does love Ella. Just… not like she should be loved. Not when his mind and heart are tangled up in
this with Penelope.

“Agapi mou…” Ella says with a smile in her voice, calling me her love. “Guess where I am?!”

“Where’s that?” He asks as he tries to focus completely on his fiancé.

“The airport! I’ll be at Heathrow in a few hours.” Colin stands so quickly in surprise that he gets a
little lightheaded at Ella’s announcement.

“Really? I thought you had wedding stuff to do.” The hot knife twisting within his heart causing
him to rub his chest. He feels on the verge of a panic attack. He’s a wreck. A constant mess of
unknowns and not enough.

“I missed you too much, my love.” She spoke softly, that same voice she had whenever her
beautiful features stretched into a smile.

“I miss you too.” He’s not lying either. The reason he’d felt such a compulsion towards Ella was
because of how she made him feel. He wasn’t a flighty and uninspired leech. He was someone she
could depend on.

Was…

Now he stood in his childhood bedroom and fantasized about how to win back another woman.
Something terrible began to fester in Colin’s heart. A darkness he hadn't realized he had but he
didn’t like it. The taste it left within his mouth felt foreign. He wasn’t this person. He wasn’t
someone who willfully hurt other people.

He’d fucked up everything by being so incredibly blind to his real feelings. Now there was this
implosion about to burst within his life and he didn’t know how to stop it. Didn’t even know if it
was possible to stop it.

There’s a soft knock on his door that causes his head to turn sharply.
“Hey, mate.” Benedict smiled softly as he leaned against the doorframe. He crossed his arms over
his chest and waited patiently.

“I’ll be there to get you when you get in. Text me your arrival time.” He spoke to Ella because he
couldn’t do this over the phone. It wasn’t fair to her. She was perfect in every way and she didn’t
deserve any of what was going on inside his head.

“All right. I’ll see you soon.” She spoke in that soft voice that always seemed to calm him down
but now it just caused the twist in his gut to worsen.

“Sounds great.”

Once they hung up, Colin put the journal from Pen inside his desk’s top drawer. His eyes rising
towards his best friend and brother. Ben just stood there for a moment with a frown marring his
features.

“I’ve rallied the troops. Anthony, Michael, and Simon are waiting at the pub but we could just go
out with the two of us.” Ben steps closer to Colin and places a hand on his shoulder.

Colin takes a deep breath as he swings his eyes back towards the drawer holding his only lifeline to
the past where Pen could’ve been his.

“I can’t do this, Ben. I can’t breathe. Fuck. She was home and now she’s gone.” Colin sits against
his bed as he feels almost too weak to stand on his feet.

Ben moves to shut Colin’s bedroom door to allow for some privacy in this moment.

“It’s like… she’s gone. We talked all the time. I’d send her pictures and emails and she’d keep me
sane when I was stuck in my writing. She made me feel safe and whole and now she’s gone. I can’t
breathe.” Colin breaks then as Ben wraps an arm around his shoulder to offer support.

“I wish things could’ve been different. I can’t imagine this is easy,” Ben spoke softly to his brother
as he held him close. He’d never seen his carefree brother so heartbroken.

“And now Ella.. fuck!” Colin runs his hands over his face roughly as he pulls from his brother’s
arm. He tugs at the ends of his hair in frustration. “I’ve really made a mess of things, haven’t I?”

“Something Sophie taught me a long time ago is that we all make mistakes. Look at me… I let the
influences of society make me doubt that Sophie was the one for me. I almost screwed up the best
thing in my life. She was ready to leave me. But I admitted my mistakes and I didn’t let it tear me
down. I fixed it. I begged and pleaded and did everything I could to make sure she knew she was
what mattered the most to me.” Benedict paused briefly as if lost in the memories. “I know it’s not
the same. Nothing and no one’s experiences are ever the same.”

“She looked at me like I was nothing.” Colin whispers, his heart reliving the painful moment she
stepped into the kitchen. “That wasn’t my Penelope.”

Benedict rests a hand on Colin’s shoulder. “Colin… she was never yours. I think you need to
remember that as hard as this is… there’s no changing it. Penelope made a choice and she’s
different.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Colin scoffed and bent his knees to rest his elbows on them.

“No. I don’t. I think you’re hoping for some kind of miracle here. Did you think you’d show up
and she’d look into your eyes and just remember and you’d live happily ever after?” Colin hates
 how well his brother knows him. Is it a crime to hope for everything to have been simple? “What
she did is irreversible and totally her choice. It’s been strange for all of us but she’s so fucking
happy , Col.”

Colin shook his head and let his head fall forward. “Yeah.. I saw and continually hear how happy
she is without the memories of me. The same memories that I will cherish until my dying day.”

“I think maybe you need to take some time away.” Ben suggests and Colin looks at him like he’s
insane. “My best brotherly advice right now is to take some time for you. Break it off with Ella
because this isn’t fair to her. But don’t pursue Penelope. At least not yet. She’s not the same person
you have in your head and she deserves to experience this time of freedom.”

Colin looked up at his ceiling and laughed humorlessly. “Is this one of those ‘if you love it set it
free’ things?”

Benedict couldn’t help but chuckle and he nodded. “Yes. When I first met Sophie, I wasn’t ready
either. I was young and dumb and beyond immature. It’s a blessing and a curse. A blessing because
she got the best version of me and a curse because we missed out on that time. But I wasn’t ready
for her.”

A while later after Benedict had headed home to his wife and kids, Colin pulled out his journal
from Pen again. He untied the leather knot and opened it to the first page. The familiar script on
the first page is a welcome sight.

‘The magic thing about home is that it feels good to leave and it feels even better to come back’

I’ll always be waiting patiently for you to come home. Don’t forget about us.

Sincerely, Penelope

End Notes

Sorry, my friends.

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