Surviving Tough Times

by Building Resilience
By Lawrence Robinson and Melinda Smith, M.A.

Experiencing hardship and adversity

Lately, the world seems to be lurching from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a

global pandemic, dramatic changes to how we conduct our daily lives, economic

uncertainty, and political and social turmoil, as well as an array of natural disasters. Then

there are personal traumas that people are also dealing with, such as the loss of a loved

one, declining health, unemployment, divorce, violent crime, or tragic accidents. For many
us, this is a time of unprecedented struggle and upheaval.

Whether the source of disruption in your life is a global emergency or a personal

tragedy—or both—living through difficult times can take a heavy toll on your mood, health,

and outlook. It can leave you feeling helpless and overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. You

may be painfully grieving all that you’ve lost, flooded by a slew of difficult, conflicting

emotions, or uncertain about how to move on with your life. You may even feel that your

life is totally out of control and you’re powerless to affect whatever may happen next.

While there’s no way to avoid sorrow, adversity, or distress in life, there are ways to help

smooth the rough waters and regain a sense of control. Resilience is the ability to cope

with the loss, change, and trauma that have been inevitable parts of life even before these

extraordinary times. Building resilience can help you better adapt to life-changing events,

cope with turbulent times, and bounce back from hardship and tragedy.

The role of resilience in times of crisis

Why do some people seem to be better able to cope in these troubling times than others?

While everyone’s situation is different, it is true that people with resilience tend to have a

higher tolerance for the emotional distress generated by hard times. The more resilient

you are, the better you’re able to tolerate the feelings of stress, anxiety, and sadness that

accompany trauma and adversity—and find a way to rebound from setbacks.

[Read: How to Cope with Traumatic Events]

We all go through bad times, we all experience disappointment, loss, and change, and we

all feel sad, anxious, and stressed at various times in our lives. But building resilience can

help you to maintain a positive outlook, face an uncertain future with less fear, and get

through even the darkest days.

Building resilience
If you’re more sensitive to emotional distress and are finding it difficult to cope with

hardship or adversity, it’s important not to think of it as some kind of character flaw.

Resilience isn’t a macho quality and it isn’t fixed; it’s an ongoing process that requires

effort to build and maintain over time.

Unless you’ve faced adversity in your life before, it’s unlikely you’ve had the need or

opportunity to develop resilience. Drawing on past experiences can help you cope with

the challenges you’re facing today. Even if you’ve struggled to cope with adversity in the

past, you may at least be able to recognize some of the ways of coping that DON’T help,

such as trying to numb your feelings with drugs or alcohol.

While it’s often difficult to imagine anything good coming out of traumatic experiences,

building resilience can help you find any positives in the difficulties you’ve faced. Surviving

hardships can teach you important things about yourself and the world around you,

strengthen your resolve, deepen your empathy, and in time enable you to evolve and grow

as a human being.

Building resilience can also help you to:

Stay focused, flexible, and productive, in both good and bad times.

Feel less afraid of new experiences or an uncertain future.

Manage and tolerate strong emotions outside your comfort zone, even those you’d

rather avoid like anger or despair.

Strengthen your relationships and improve your communication skills, especially

under pressure.

Bolster your self-esteem.

Be confident you’ll eventually find a solution to a problem, even when one isn’t

immediately apparent.

You can develop and improve these qualities of resilience at any time, regardless of your

age, background, or circumstances. The following tips can help you face hardships with

more confidence, better cope with these tumultuous times, and make it through to the

brighter, more hopeful days ahead.

Building resilience tip 1: Practice
acceptance
While we all react to stressful events in different ways, many of us try to protect ourselves

by refusing to accept the truth of what’s happening. After all, by denying that you’re even

experiencing a crisis, you can kid yourself that you still have some sense of control over

what are usually uncontrollable events.

While denial can have some positive functions—it can give you an opportunity to come to

terms with the shock of a traumatic event, for example—over time, it will just prolong your

pain. Staying in denial will prevent you from adapting to your new circumstances, stop you

from seeking solutions or taking action, and stifle the healing process.

Accept the situation

Change is an inevitable part of life and many aspects of the changing world are outside

your individual control. You can’t control the spread of a virus, for example, the pace of

social change, or how the economy behaves. While it can be tough to acknowledge, railing

against events or circumstances outside your control will only drain you of energy and

leave you feeling anxious and hopeless. Accepting your situation, on the other hand, can

free you up to devote your energy to the things that you do have control over.

Focus on things within your control. Make a list of all the things you can’t control and give

yourself permission to stop worrying about them. Instead, focus on the action that you can

take. If you’re unemployed, you can’t control whether the ideal job appears in the wants

ads or whether an employer will grant you an interview. But you can control how much

time and effort you put into searching for work or brushing up on your skills. Similarly, if a

loved one is facing a life-threatening illness, you may have to relinquish control to the

medical experts, but you can still focus on providing your loved one with as much

emotional support as possible.

Accept change by looking to your past. Looking back at examples where you’ve coped

with uncertainty and change before can help you accept your current situation. Perhaps

you suffered a painful breakup in the past and were eventually able to move on with your

life, or you lost a job and ended up finding a better one? Examining your past successes

can also help you see past the current crisis and derive some confidence that you’ll be

able to pull through again.

Accept your feelings

It’s tempting to believe that the best way to get through hard times is by ignoring painful

emotions and “putting on a brave face”. But unpleasant emotions exist whether you

choose to acknowledge them or not. Trying to prevent your emotions from surfacing will

only fuel your stress, delay acceptance of your new situation, and prevent you from

moving on.

By allowing yourself to feel your emotions, you’ll find that even the most intense, upsetting

feelings will pass, the trauma of these tough times will start to fade, and you’ll be able to

find a path forward. Talk to someone you trust about what you’re experiencing or use

HelpGuide’s Emotional Intelligence Toolkit to reconnect with your emotions.

Grieve your losses

Undergoing tough times usually involves some kind of loss. Whether it’s the loss of a loved

one, the loss of a job, or the loss of your old life, it’s important you allow yourself the

opportunity to grieve. Only by facing your grief—acknowledging and mourning your

losses—will you be able to heal and eventually move on with your life.

Tip 2: Reach out to others

Connecting with friends and family when you’re going through tough times can help ease

stress, boost your mood, and make sense of all the change and disruption. Instead of

feeling like you’re facing your problems alone, you can draw strength and build resilience
from having others to lean on.

The people you reach out to don’t need to have answers to the problems you’re facing;

they just need to be willing to listen to you without judging. In fact, what you talk about or

the words used are often unimportant. It’s the human connection—eye contact, a smile, or

a hug—that can make all the difference to how you’re feeling.

Prioritize relationships. Nothing carries the same health benefits as connecting face-to-

face with someone who is caring and empathetic. These days, however, it’s not always

possible to see friends and loved ones in person. If you’re kept apart by geography,

lockdown, or travel restrictions, for example, reach out to others via phone, video chat, or

social media.

Don’t withdraw in tough times. You may be inclined to retreat into your shell when you’re

facing challenges in your life. You may fear being a burden to friends and loved ones or

feel too exhausted to reach out. But try to keep up with social activities even when you

don’t feel like it. Good friends won’t consider you a burden—they’re more likely to feel

flattered that you trust them enough to confide in them.

Try to avoid negative people. Some friends are good listeners, kind and empathetic.

Others seem to only fuel negative emotions, leaving you feeling even more stressed,

anxious, or panicky. Try to avoid anyone who magnifies your problems, criticizes, or

makes you feel judged.

Expand your social network. Even though relationships are vital for good mental health,

building resilience, and getting through tough times, many of us feel that we don’t have

anyone to turn to in times of need. But there are plenty of ways to build new friendships

and improve your support network. If you know others who are lonely or isolated, be the

one to take the initiative and reach out.

Tip 3: Invest in self-care

Living through tough times can be both mentally and physically draining. Constantly being

in a heightened state of stress can lead to serious health problems, impact your immune

and digestive systems, increase your risk of heart attack and stroke, and lead to burnout,

a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion.

Since the body and mind are so closely linked, investing in self-care is an important part of

building resilience and getting through times of great stress. When your body feels strong

and healthy so, too, will your mind.

Get enough exercise. When you’re dealing with chronic stress, you likely carry it

somewhere in your body. Maybe your muscles are tense, you have back or neck pain,

frequent headaches, insomnia, heartburn, or an upset stomach? Getting regular exercise

not only releases powerful endorphins in the brain to improve your mood, but it can also

help to ease tension in the body and counteract the physical symptoms of stress.

Practice a “mind and body” relaxation technique. Practices such as yoga, tai chi, and

meditation blend deep breathing and body awareness to help you relieve stress and bring

your nervous system back into balance. Try one of HelpGuide’s audio meditations to boost

your physical and emotional well-being.

[Listen: Inner Strength Meditation]

Improve your sleep. When you’re facing adversity, nothing wears down your resilience like

missing out on a good night’s sleep. Often, improving your daytime habits and taking the

time to relax and unwind before bed can help you sleep better at night.

Eat well. There are no specific foods that can help build resilience and weather tough

times. Rather, it’s your overall dietary pattern that’s important. Eating lots of processed

and takeout food can take a toll on your brain and mood, sapping your energy, and

weakening your immune system. A healthy diet, on the other hand—one that’s low in

sugar and rich in healthy fats—can give you the energy and focus to tackle the challenges

you’re facing.
Manage your overall stress levels. Taking steps to manage your overall stress can break

the hold it has over your life, improve your mood, and help you build the resilience you

need to hold up under pressure at this time.

Tip 4: Look for meaning and purpose

It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frightening headlines or consumed by the crisis you’re

facing. But whatever your circumstances, it doesn’t have to define you as a person. You

are not your crisis. By pursuing activities that bring purpose and meaning to your life, you

can keep your problems in perspective, prevent them from overwhelming you, and

maintain your identity.

Everyone is different so we all have different ways of experiencing purpose and meaning.

Don’t limit yourself by others’ expectations; pursue activities that are important to you and

add satisfaction to your life.

Give help to others. When you’re in the midst of a crisis, it’s common to feel powerless and

helpless. By proactively helping others, you can regain a sense of control as well as find

purpose in your life. In fact, giving support can be just as beneficial as receiving support.

Try volunteering, helping others in your neighborhood, giving blood, donating to a charity,

or marching for a cause that’s important to you.

Pursue your hobbies and interests. In turbulent times, it’s important not to cast aside

interests that nourish your spirit. For many of us, it’s these things that define us as

individuals and bring meaning to our lives. Whether it’s playing a sport, caring for a pet, an

artistic or musical endeavor, home improvement projects, or spending time in nature,

continuing to draw pleasure from your pastimes adds to your ability to cope with the

stress of difficult times.

Tip 5: Stay motivated

An important part of coping with adversity and making it through tough times is to foster

qualities of persistence and endurance. Tough times don’t last forever, but by their very

nature they’re rarely over quickly. As you plot a road through the darkness, you need to

find ways to stay motivated and persevere.

Deal with your problems one step at a time. If a problem is too big to deal with all at once,

try breaking it down into smaller, more manageable steps. If your problem seems to have

no possible solution, you can still take action by drawing up a list, researching more about

the subject, or seeking the advice of a trusted friend or loved one.

Celebrate small wins. To stay motivated and positive as you navigate stormy seas in life,

take a moment to savor your small successes. If you’re looking for work, for example,

getting an interview isn’t as meaningful as landing a job, but it’s a sign of progress, a step

in the right direction. Noting these small wins can give you a welcome break from all the

stress and negativity you’re facing and encourage you to keep going.

[Read: Finding Joy During Difficult Times]

Try to maintain a hopeful outlook. While it’s difficult to stay positive and hopeful in the

midst of a crisis, many of us tend to blow our problems out of proportion and make them

seem even more negative than they really are. Try taking a step back and examining your

situation as an outsider. Are their rays of hope that you can focus on? Instead of worrying

about what you fear may happen, try visualizing what you’d like to happen instead.

Express gratitude. It may sound trite, but even when you’re experience terrible times, it’s

usually possible to find one thing you can be grateful about—the love of a pet, for

example, a beautiful sunset, or a caring friend. Taking a moment to acknowledge your

gratitude for such small things can provide respite from the stress and really boost your

mood.

Be kind to yourself. Everyone adjusts to change and upheaval differently. Don’t criticize

your coping skills or beat yourself up for every mistake you make. Self-compassion is an

important part of building resilience, so go easy on yourself.

More Information

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