Managing your emotions

“Feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unfair or ungrateful they seem.”

- Anne Frank

If you've ever been to the beach, you probably picture the sea as calm, flat, and
beautiful. You may see waves crashing on the coast with the sunset in the
background. The ocean can indeed be calm and sunny, but there's more to it.
When I was 14, I was on holiday with my family, and we took a short trip to an
island near the shore. A small boat took us there in just half an hour. Our journey to
the island was perfect, and we had a wonderful time at the beach. Seeing black clouds
approaching rapidly around 6 pm, we decided to return. Unfortunately, we weren't
fast enough since the storm hit us halfway back to shore.
Suddenly, the waves doubled in size, and we had to start draining the water off
the boats. Whenever I think of that experience, I still shiver. The fear of the raging
ocean on our small ships feels like it was yesterday. Even our guides couldn't control
the size and intensity of the water, although they were professionals. Even though it
took us a while, we got to our destination safe and sound. Since then, my respect for
the ocean has been greater.
Emotions are, in some way, like the ocean. Just as the sea can change, so can
our emotions. The weather impacts the ocean causing quick shifts. The wind, the
sun, everything interacts with it.
Similarly, we have many things in our lives that affect our emotions, like
problems with people we love, stress, or even physical problems.
Sometimes the waves may be whipped up by an impending storm, and they
may change very suddenly. One thing we know for sure about the sea and emotions:
they are fluid and change. As waves, our emotions can be calm and serene at one
moment and intense and angry at another.
It is possible to be drowned by giant waves of sadness, swept away by anger,
or float calmly on happy emotions. As with the ocean, we must not focus on trying to
control it but on learning how to surf it. Harnessing emotions means letting our
feelings wash over us, or surfing them, not letting them crash over us, but managing
them, riding the wave.
Throughout this chapter, you will learn how to ride the waves of emotion, not
allowing yourself to be swept away by them. Instead, you will learn to recognize the
signs of change (emotional warning signs), go with the flow, and handle waves that
used to crash you.

Emotional regulation skills

We usually underestimate the power emotions have on our behavior. It is
mainly because we live unaware of what’s happening inside us. To regulate emotions
effectively, you must apply mindfulness skills, nonjudgmentally observing and
describing your current emotional state.

What does emotional dysregulation look like?

In previous chapters, we explored The Biosocial Theory, which explains how
mental health disorders often result from a biological vulnerability and invalidating
environment. Consequently, emotional dysregulation and instability arise at multiple
levels, including cognitive, interpersonal, identity, and behavioral. Emotional
dysregulation affects our mental health, but what does it entail?
Individuals with emotional dysregulation cannot regulate their emotional
responses or keep them within an acceptable range of typical emotional behavior.
Many different emotions can be associated with this, including sadness, anger,
irritability, and frustration. People with emotional dysregulation may struggle with
interpersonal relationships at school and work performance throughout their lives.
You can experience emotional dysregulation in different ways. For some, the
emotional experience might be more intense than usual, and they feel everything
much more deeply than others. For example, a breakup or a bad review at work
might be unbearable. Emotional dysregulation may also be related to difficulty in
calming down after intense emotions. It is known as "returning to baseline." After an
argument, dysregulated individuals usually hold on to their anger, ruminating for
hours about why and how they believe they were right.
Experiencing intense emotions and having difficulty calming down often
results in impulsive behavior. People with emotional dysregulation may have
difficulty recognizing their emotions when they become upset. If you feel
overwhelmed or confused by your emotions, you might be unable to manage your
behavior or make good decisions. Here are some examples of how emotional
dysregulation can manifest in your life.
● If your friends cancel plans, you assume they don't love you, and you cry all
night and binge-eat junk food.
● Your dentist says you can't get treatment without an appointment, and you'll
have to return the next day. You yell at the secretary and throw a pen across
the counter in an angry outburst.
● You attend a family dinner where everyone seems to be talking and having
fun, but you feel like an outsider. Your emotional pain is numb by
binge-watching social media after the event.

It is essential to understand that the inability to regulate emotions can lead to

behavioral difficulties, especially when it comes to painful emotions. We have
learned to see difficult emotions as problems to be solved. As a result, people who
suffer from intolerably painful emotions often resort to dysfunctional behaviors, such
as
● suicidal behavior,
● substance abuse,
● overeating,
● emotion suppression,
● overcontrol,
● interpersonal conflict.

Your emotion regulation skills are essential for changing the feelings that you
(not others) wish to adjust, or reducing their intensity. Additionally, emotion
regulation skills can help you become more emotionally resilient and reduce your
vulnerability to painful or excessive emotions. You need Mindfulness Skills to
regulate your emotions, particularly observing and describing your own emotions
without judgment. To regulate emotions effectively, you must understand what they
are and what they do for you.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy teaches specific skills to regulate emotions in
four areas:
● Understanding and naming emotions,
 ● Changing unwanted emotions,
● Reducing vulnerability to the emotional mind,
● Managing extreme emotions.

Let's take a closer look at each of them.

Understanding and naming emotions

If you do not understand why emotions are important to you, you may be
unable to change how you relate to them. The most important thing to understand is
that emotions exist for a reason. They have an essential function in our well-being.

Understanding the Functions of Emotions

It is almost impossible to find anything in us which does not have a purpose.
Even your belly button was helpful at least once in your life. Your emotional behavior
serves a functional purpose for you as well. Communicating and motivating are two
of the main functions of emotions. If we attempt to change ineffective emotions, we
need to identify their functions and reinforcers before trying to reshape them.
You can simplify the functions of emotions into three areas.
● The first, related to communication, is influencing and controlling other
people's behavior. Despite our best efforts, our body language expresses our
emotions, and our feelings impact others. Our ability to decode other people's
emotions and react to them is hardwired.
● Secondly, emotions motivate our behavior and prepare us for action.
Especially when we don't have time to think things through, emotions save us
time in getting us to act in critical situations. Emotions boost our ability to
overcome obstacles, whether they are mental or environmental.
● Last but not least, they serve as an alert to oneself. Like a dashboard light on a
car, emotions alert a person about important events. The problem is that
sometimes we treat emotions like facts about the world. The stronger the
emotion, the more likely we will believe it is true. Emotions, like dashboard
lights, are not facts but signals of what seems to be happening. Because of this,
focusing on how we feel and assuming they represent facts about the world
may lead to distorted perceptions of reality. It would be a mistake to assume
 that you must be correct just because you feel confident about something. Or
that as you get lonely when you’re alone, you should never be left alone.

Change begins with identifying these functions, especially those associated with
unwanted emotions.

Identifying Obstacles to Changing Emotions

Understanding your emotions is the first step, but identifying what makes it
difficult for you to change them is the next. The causes are many.
● Biological factors can increase emotional sensitivity, intensity, and the time
needed to return to an emotional baseline.
● Inadequate skills can make this regulation very difficult. We sometimes have
intense emotional reactions and need the right skills to modulate them when
this happens.
● If others reinforce your dysfunctional emotions in the environment, regulation
is even more difficult.
● A significant obstacle to controlling your emotions is being controlled by your
current mood instead of your Wise Mind.
● You can't regulate emotions if you hold on to myths or mistaken beliefs about
them. The most common is to believe that emotions are bad or weak, which
leads to avoiding them. You are also prevented from controlling your
emotions if you think extreme emotions are necessary or part of your identity.
To truly understand your emotional world, it's essential to determine which
obstacles you're more influenced by when managing emotions.

Identifying and Labeling Emotions

Learning to identify and label emotions was crucial to training my emotional
regulation skills. I believed that I knew everything there was to know about
emotions. With time I understood, however, that emotions are more complex than
just feeling “angry,” “sad,” or “happy.” Experiencing emotional dysregulation is
related to having a limited emotional vocabulary. The intensity of our negative
emotions and experiences is heightened because we can't describe our feelings
(especially our negative feelings). Identifying how we feel has been shown to reduce
this intensity of experience because it tunes down our Emotional Mind’s volume. It
might be helpful to use Geoffrey Roberts' emotional word wheel1 as a guide:

Emotions also involve behavioral responses, which are usually complicated.

To identify emotions, you must be able to describe the context in which they occur
and observe your reactions.
Observing and describing different components of emotional behavior
facilitates identifying emotional responses. An essential first step is observing the
triggering event (and your interpretation of it); if there is any history before that
trigger, that makes you more sensitive to it and more likely to respond emotionally.
Then, you need to examine the phenomenological experience, including the physical

1
Yau, N. (2020, March 20). Wheel of emotional words, in case you're having trouble finding the words these
days. FlowingData. [Link]
sensation of the emotion; its associated behaviors; and its following effects (what
happened next).

Here’s an example of how to analyze an emotional experience thoroughly:

Having learned what emotions are, their functions, and how they work, you
can focus on other skills that will allow you to regulate their emotions.

Changing Unwanted Emotions

To change emotional responses, three skills are necessary: checking facts,
taking opposite action when emotion does not match facts, and problem-solving
when facts are the problem.

Changing Unwanted Emotions skills

● Check the facts
● Opposite action
● Problem-solving
Check the Facts
This skill refers to checking whether your emotional reactions fit the facts of
the situation. Adapting your beliefs and assumptions to fit the facts can help you
change your emotional response. An example of this would be being angry at
someone because of feeling left out. Stopping for a second and focusing only on the
facts might show that you weren’t left out; you just had your phone off and didn’t
answer fast enough.
There is a powerful idea behind this skill: Emotions and actions are often
triggered by what we think and interpret, not by events themselves. For example,
someone canceling plans last minute might make you believe that they don't love you
and don't want to see you, which could make you feel bad about yourself. There
might be more harm in the interpretation of the facts than the facts themselves in
this case.
On the other hand, our emotions can also significantly affect our thoughts
about events. You might perceive your boss as stupid if you are fuming over a bad
review.
You can change emotions by examining your thoughts and checking the facts.
Here are some questions that can help you do this:

Fact-checking guide
Is there a chance you may have misread a situation or missed important
information? The following questions will help you check the facts to be sure.
1. What is the emotion I want to change?
You can't change an emotion if you don't know what you're feeling. Because of this,
you must understand the emotion that came up because of the situation. We often
don't have the words to describe our feelings, thoughts, or experiences until we
look for them. Pay special attention to your existing ideas, physical sensations,
posture, action impulses, actions, and verbal statements to decode your emotions.
 2. What is the event prompting my emotion?
Put into words the facts you observe through your senses. Don't forget to stick to
the facts! You should avoid value judgments, extremes, and black-and-white
descriptions. Your emotions may change if you take a more balanced view of the
facts.
3. What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event?
Try to think of some misinterpretations you might make (and then act on them)
when you feel a particular emotion. An example of this would be hearing a noise at
night (fact) and believing that someone is breaking into your house
(interpretation).
4. Am I assuming a threat?
Think about whether you imagine a threatening event or outcome. Almost all
painful emotions are connected to a threat. Are you anticipating any negative
consequences from the event? Label the threat and assess the probability that the
threat is real. It can help to ask yourself: If the threat I’ve evaluated is real, is it
really as bad as it makes me feel? Is there no solution or no way to make this better
or to feel differently?
5. What is the worst-case scenario, and how can I deal with it?
This step helps you create a plan in case the "catastrophe" happens. At the end of
the chapter, you'll see more about the Cope Ahead skill. It's about asking yourself
what you are most afraid of and how you can handle it.
6. Does my emotion or its intensity fit the actual facts?
Analyze the facts that align with each emotion, and see if your feelings are justified
or based on assumptions (you can go back to question 3 for doing this).

Checking the Facts often decreases emotional intensity because now you know
what’s happening with external triggers and within yourself. It is also helpful for
determining whether your emotional response to a prompting event is justified. The
experience can be validating or corrective. But usually, it’s not enough to resolve any
distressing emotion.
Check the Facts Skill assists you in determining which Emotion Regulation
Skill you should use next to address, resolve, or change the emotion in question. Do
you need to use Distress Tolerance Skills to endure this emotion? Or can it be
addressed by another Emotion Regulation Skill, like problem-solving or opposite
action?
A problem-solving approach can be effective when emotions match facts.
Other times, changing your feelings about a situation by taking the opposite action is
the most effective course of action.

Problem-Solving
This skill involves changing your emotions by resolving, avoiding, or
modifying the event that triggers them. For example, if you have money anxiety
because you cannot pay your taxes, problem-solving would look like creating a
budget and finding ways to cut back. To put this skill into practice, you can use the
following steps:

Problem-solving

1. Behavior analysis Event:

(event, main emotion, Main emotion and thought:

other thoughts/emotions)
Other emotions and thoughts:

2. What aspect can I

change?
 3. Brainstorming ideas 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

4. How will I put the

solution into action?

Opposite action
Using the Check the Facts skill, we saw that sometimes our emotions do not
align with the facts, or acting on them is not effective (it doesn’t solve anything).
When our emotions are out of proportion or escalating, or we want to challenge or
change them, the opposite action technique might be useful.
Opposite action can help you cope with distressing emotions by setting into
motion a helpful action instead of a harmful one. In this way, you counteract any
suffering caused by the uncomfortable emotion and avoid doing something
dangerous.
The goal of this skill is not to suppress your feelings because it is based on
recognizing how you are feeling. Although you are taking action based on emotion,
your action is not the urge usually associated with that emotion. The result of this
will be a gradual change in your feelings.
For example, suppose you're depressed and think no one wants you around.
In that case, you can act opposite to the emotions by getting up and doing something
(going for a walk, going to the grocery store, visiting a friend, going to therapy, etc.).
Acting opposite to your emotion does not deny your emotion but challenges it.
Rather than staying at home in bed, you are getting up and going out. How you feel
may not change drastically overnight, but you will notice changes little by little.
Here are some examples of everyday emotions, their urges, and opposite
action:
 ● Anger
○ Urge: attack, or defend.
○ Opposite action: show kindness/concern or walk away.
● Shame
○ Urge: isolate, hide.
○ Opposite action: raise your head, give eye contact, and hold your
shoulders back.
● Fear
○ Urge: run or hide, escape danger.
○ Opposite action: go towards, stay involved, and build courage.
● Depression
○ Urge: be inactive, avoid contact.
○ Opposite action: get active.
● Disgust
○ Urge: reject or distance ourselves, avoid.
○ Opposite action: push through and get through the situation.
● Guilt
○ Urge: repair violations, seek forgiveness.
○ Opposite action: apologize and mean what we say.

Throughout my experience, I have found that if I continue doing what an

emotion tells me, it will increase or stick around. In contrast, I must take the
opposite action to make a feeling disappear or become less uncomfortable. The
challenge is that I find screaming more attractive than walking away and counting to
ten when I'm angry. There is no middle ground here. You can either choose one
action or the other. The key to making this skill work is to use the opposite action all
the way and believe it will work.

Reducing vulnerability to emotion mind

Reducing vulnerability to emotion mind

● ABC PLEASE
○ Accumulating positive emotions
 ○ Building Mastery
○ Coping in Advance

The ABC PLEASE acronym can help remember these skills. They are used to
increase emotional resilience and decrease vulnerability to future unpleasant
emotions. We are less likely to suffer from disease and emotional crises when we take
good care of ourselves. When you accumulate positive experiences, build skills and
talents, and plan ahead for coping, you'll likely bounce back quickly from a negative
experience. Using PLEASE skills can help you maintain good physical health to deal
with unpleasant emotions.

Accumulating positive emotions: long-term and short-term

Whenever you are asked how your day is going, you most likely look
back and categorize the events into "positive" or "negative." You're
probably going to say that your day is going well if there were more positive than
adverse events in it. This is understandable if we compare our emotions to a bank
account. To keep it stable, we must put more in than we take.
The impact of a setback won't be as harsh when we have a high number of positive
experiences. Then again, any minor issue can feel disastrous after a week of feeling
left out, getting bad grades, and having relationship troubles. You could compare this
to withdrawing $10 from your bank account. Taking that amount out of an account
with $15 isn't the same as taking it out of one with $1000. Therefore, your
withdrawal experience is primarily determined by how much is on your account. You
need short-term and long-term experiences to build an effective bank account of
positive experiences.
 Building Mastery
Learn new skills and become proficient in them to build mastery. You
are encouraged to engage in hobbies and talents you enjoy. You can
read, cook, clean, fix a car, do crossword puzzles, or play a musical
instrument. Your self-confidence increases when you have a repertoire of activities
that you enjoy and excel at.
Can you think of an activity you'd like to start? Keep these three steps in mind:
1. Try
2. Practice
3. Give yourself credit

Learning to Cope Ahead.

The more you work on yourself, the better you'll understand what events
will be challenging for you. As a result, you're able to cope ahead, that is,
to prepare for challenges you know you'll encounter. It could be a
presentation, a social event, or an interview. Whatever you're afraid of, preparing
mentally, emotionally, and even physically can make a significant difference.
Following these steps will help you achieve this:
1. Describe the situation likely to lead to problem behavior.
2. Choose the coping skills or problem-solving techniques you want to use.
3. Try to visualize the situation in your mind as vividly as you can.
4. Practice effectively coping in your mind.
5. Whenever you finish rehearsing, breathe deeply and relax.

Taking Care of the Body (PLEASE Skills)

Taking care of your body directly affects taking care of your mind. You
will have difficulty managing your emotions if you have an unhealthy
body. To remember important aspects of this connection, you can use the acronym "
P.L.E.A.S.E."
 PL Treat Physical Illness.

Take care of your body responsibly. If necessary, see a doctor and

commit to prescribed medication (if there is).

E Balance Your Eating

Be mindful about what you eat, don’t eat too much or too little. Eat
regularly, and choose nutritional food.

A Avoid Mind-Altering Substances

Stay off illicit drugs, and if you use alcohol, do it in moderation.

S Get Enough Sleep.

Ideally, you should sleep 7–9 hours a night, or at least as much as you
need to feel well. Sleep consistently, especially if you have trouble
sleeping.

E Get Regular Exercise

Try to do at least 20 minutes of daily exercise.

With these simple skills, you will see significant changes not only in the short
term but in the long term as well, changing the course of your life. Now I know how
powerful my emotion mind used to be before and how little power I had when faced
with difficult circumstances. In most cases, my emotions took over, and all I could do
was follow their rhythm. As a piece of advice, pick one of these skills and get started
right away. You shouldn't underestimate their power. Building these skills in your life
is the opposite of focusing on problematic behaviors when they are out of control. An
approach to self-improvement that focuses on building abilities, talents, and health
in your life.
In the beginning, I decided to start by taking care of my health, and I noticed a
difference after a couple of weeks. Perhaps you want to begin by cultivating positive
emotions in your daily life or developing mastery in something you've wanted to do
for a while. Whatever you decide, go for it! We are our worst enemies when we
procrastinate on what's good for us. A single action can set you on your path to
becoming the person you want to be.

Managing extreme emotions

So far, we’ve gone over DBT skills for managing your emotions daily, but what
if you experience extreme emotions? When our emotional arousal is so high, we
cannot use the previous DBT skills, even if we are familiar with them. If you feel
overwhelmed by your emotions, DBT can still be helpful even when using the skills
you learned in the past is difficult.
The point where you are so distressed that you cannot use your DBT skills is
called the Skills Breakdown Point. You can tell you are here by these signs:

● You are in extreme distress

● You feel overwhelmed
● You can only focus on the extreme emotion
● You can’t process new information
● Your DBT skills, and problem-solving abilities are not working.

After noticing if you are at the breakdown point, the next step is to check the facts.
Are you really “falling apart” at this level of distress?
If not, use your skills.
If yes, and your emotions are so high that you cannot utilize your skills, follow
these suggestions.
1. Use crisis survival skills to bring down your arousal:
• TIP can be used to calm your body down physically.
• Distract to remove yourself from the emotional event.
• Self-­soothe using the five senses.
• Improve the moment you are in.

2. Once you’ve brought down the level of emotional arousal that you’re
experiencing, you can focus on your current emotions using the
Mindfulness of Current Emotions skill.
 3. If you still don’t experience relief, move on to other emotion regulation
skills such as
● Opposite Action
● Reduce Vulnerability: (PLEASE)
● Build Mastery
● Build Positive experiences.

With these skills, you will be better able to manage your complex situations
and emotions. When you take a step back, become aware of your intense emotions,
use self-soothing and emotion regulation techniques, maintain consistency, and
believe the process will work, you will be able to benefit your life and relationships in
the long run. The reward of being able to control your reactions often outweighs the
cost of learning the techniques.