It is 1 in the morning. No frogs are croaking and the crickets fill the silence instead.
Today was a flight, a meal fast, a trip and a hassle in general. My body is tired and
my eyes are heavy. However, when I close my eyes in hope to find some mental and
complete physical rest, my mind protests against my will. I want to rest. I want to
sleep. I want to dream and soar in a world that doesn’t exist. I want to feel something
where I’m allowed to feel every emotion a human, like me, can feel.
I didn’t get any sleep either throughout the day. So, why can’t sleep right now? Why
can’t I join the others? Why am I trying to exhaust my brain more and more than it
deserve? Why does my mind say no everytime I ask for some rest but always
comply to some overthinking bad thoughts? What kind of rigged system is this???
I want to be an English teacher. I know well that my English skills are top notch.
However, what good would a teacher be if she it stupid in every other thing except
the subject that interested her since she was a toddler?
All of my friends have boyfriends. How do they do it? I tried having one just to break
up with him after a month. I never had feelings for him. I tried to. I called him sweet
names and acted as cringe as I can, like a damsel in love. It didn’t work out anyway.
It has been like this for a while now. Am I unable to acquire romantic feelings towards
another person? Is this another trait of mine? Another mental illness symptom? Until
when will I be considered valid for being partially insane until I really lose my mind?
Does my skin healing really have anything to do with my deteriorating mental state?
A mental state incapable to feel properly, unable to understand empathy? This mind
that is a master of copy, otherwise has no personality of its own? What am I if not a
simple shell to please the people around me? What do I actually act like? Why don’t I
know myself? Am I fictional? Sometimes, I feel like the earth is pulling me down. It
feels like my body lost its capability to stand, and my heart would begin to helplessly
beat rapidly. Is it a sign that im not real? Am i? if I am, then who am I? how can I
define myself? What do I mean? What do I do? In my world, in my position, the only
valid solution is to slash my skin and kill myself. I really, really, really don’t give one
fuck about what other people think–I really don’t, and I couldn’t. I could bleed to
death for all I care. I don’t pay any shit to the people around me.
I want to eat strawberry yoghurt.
I want a book that’s all about snakes.
And then maybe ill live for you
But I will never, ever, ever live for me.
My life is as useless as an insect. As useless as the appendix. As useless as the
most useless thing in the whole wide world. I am fucking useless and I know it. Sure
I can push myself to go forward–to jump off a 100 ft building yeah sure. Orrrr I can
study my ass off until my nose bleed or until I faint and maybe people will believe
how weak I am. Someone should kill me for fun. Then, I would serve a purpose in
this world.
