1

Hippo and Hipporine’s Honeymoon

A long, long time ago, far, far away there lived a hippo who led a very relaxed
and happy life. Hippo had been engaged to Hipporine for seven years but
she no longer wanted to be his fiancé, she really, really, really wanted to be
married and so be his wife.

“Hippo,” she said, “don't you think it is about time? Even the weather bureau
is telling us that the weather right now is perfect for a honeymoon.”

”But honey,” Hippo answered, “You know that I was just promoted at work. I
am top Jam Taster of the company, in the largest jam factory in all of south
east Asia. It’s a very responsible position which I can’t leave right now.

”Hippo,” said Hipporine, who over all these years of engagement had heard all
the excuses, “I have heard that before. The factory belongs to your father and
you are promoted every three months.”

”And I have deserved each one of those promotions,” proclaimed Hippo who
was running out of excuses. “Couples on honeymoon, eat too much and so
gain weight. Taking into account my social status, we will have to travel to an
expensive resort and you know how easily I gain weight - if it wasn't for that,
I’d have married you seven years ago.”

“Well,” purred Hipporine in a mysterious voice, looking at the curtains and not
into Hippo’s eyes, “there is the island of Pang Dao. It is the most IN resort
now. Everyone who is anyone goes there and the travel agencies’ pamphlets
show that no one ever puts on weight at this, the most IN island resort.”

”Impossible,” argued Hippo, “there must be a reason for that. It must be a

dreadful place. How can anyone take a vacation at an exciting place and not
gain weight? And why are you suddenly looking away from me when you
speak?”
 2

“Oh,” implored Hipporine, “this resort is really the best and it’s very expensive.
I promise you will like it ... and I think it is time to wash these curtains.”

”Look into my eyes when you talk about this island,” demanded Hippo.

”Just a sec, I think I hear the phone ringing”, answered Hipporine as she ran
out of the room.

So Hippo had no choice but to get married! After the wedding Hippo and
Hipporine set out on their honeymoon to Pang Dao island. There was no
need for Hippo to worry, it was a really, really wonderful place. There were
beautiful beaches with golden sands, many coconut trees and lovely little
bungalows.

They checked into their expensive hotel and happily put on their swimsuits.
Hipporine wore her beautiful new bikini – it was red with yellow dots and
Hippo thought she looked delicious. As the bulky hippos jumped, hand in
hand, into the hotel’s large swimming pool, large clouds of water sprang out,
wetting the paving around the pool. They were happy and hopped around in
the water having a great time but when they climbed out of the pool, the level
of the water had dropped ... it only reached the knees of the other guests!

Back in their room, they dressed in their smartest clothes and proudly went to
their first dinner as a couple. They ordered Beijing duck as their main course
and had sour-apple pearl ice tea to drink. Hippo and Hipporine drank this tea,
full of small pearl jelly balls, with a wide, clear straw. They enjoyed watching
the tasty red jelly balls shoot into their mouths through the straw as they
sucked. One drink was not enough for Hippo, courtesy of the hotel, he had
another. They also had a delicious desert, Tang Gu Lu. This is a fruit kebab
with strawberries, pineapple, tangerine slices and other exotic fruit covered
with glazed malted caramel sugar. There were also little sour apples stuffed
with chocolate and decorated with long strings of glazed sugar which Hippo
loved. It looked like a clear sparkling crystal chandelier and Hippo had two
extra helpings, all courtesy of the hotel.
 3

The view from the dining room window was stunning. Hippo and Hipporine
could see the curve of the bay behind the line of coconut trees. The night sky
was becoming a rainbow of colour as fireworks were being set off from the
small boats in the bay.

Their first day as a couple ended after dinner when they went to their room for
a good sleep - they were tired after the journey, the swimming and the dinner.

The next morning they had a good breakfast with a big ball of sweet desert
called Conji, a porridge-like dish mixed with brown sugar and red rhubarb fruit
juice. After a short rest, the couple went down to the swimming pool … and
that’s where the trouble began. The hotel manager stood boldly in front of the
doors leading to the pool and would not let them pass.

“You see,” he said very politely, “you did not leave much water for the other
guests yesterday. Our pool is small and after all you are ahh ... hippos. Why
don't you try the beach? It is lovely and sunny and if the sea level rises a
little, it won’t make much difference to anyone.”

Hippo and Hipporine were embarrassed and shyly they walked down to the
beach.

”Hippo,” whispered Hipporine, “I think I have gained some weight. What do

you think? My bathing suit feels tight.”

”Ahh, that's nothing,” replied Hippo, “you just think it feels tight.”

The beach was idyllic and already some fishermen, foreign guests and dark-
skinned local youths were walking, paddling and generally enjoying
themselves there. Hippo sunk into a beach chair and Hipporine lay down on
her spread-out towel on the sand where she removed her bikini top.

”What are you doing?” screamed Hippo.

 4

”This is a `topless’ beach,” Hipporine answered calmly, “Relax and don’t be

old-fashioned.”

”No you don't,” argued Hippo and jumped from his chair to hide her from the
stares of other beach-goers with his big body and his hands spread wide.

”Hippo, marrying me does not mean you can tell me what to do,” retorted
Hipporine angrily, “move away - you are blocking my sun.”

When Hippo refused to move, Hipporine simply slid her towel to the side and
with a proud look on her face, lay there. Hippo became frustrated and just
had to eat. There on the promenade he saw a kiosk where noodles were
being fried and sold. He sat on a stool in front of the kiosk and, although the
noodles were very expensive, he ordered and ate two double portions.

It was nearly sunset when they lumbered back to the hotel. Hipporine had
had too much sun, she was already brown and itchy. The locals had been
annoying her all day but try as she did she was not able to make them go
away.

“Please go away.” she would plead. “I don't want company now.”

“Why don't you want company?” pestered these young obnoxious `nudniks’.
They had had much experience annoying tourists and would not leave her
alone. She wanted to make up to her Hippo but her stubborn streak would
not allow her to be the first to break the ice.

Hippo was also very upset. While sitting at the noodle kiosk many young
hippos joined him, pretending to buy noodles but they had really come to look
at Hipporine. They kept talking about her and pointing at her. All poor Hippo
could do was to keep on eating and that was so expensive.
 5

Back in their room Hipporine went to sleep in the bed and Hippo slept on the
couch. That is how their second day and night as a couple ended.

Each day Hipporine would lie on the beach topless, roasting in the sun and
Hippo would sit with his back to her eating fried noodles. Hipporine’s skin was
peeling from too much sun. She was insulted when the locals offered to rub
suntan lotion on her back because she found out that most of them were
working at a factory where leather shoes and purses were made. She
suspected that they wanted to steal pieces of her peeling skin to use for their
products at the factory. Hippo could hardly walk because his clothes were so
tight and he knew that if he sneezed the seems on his clothes would burst.

Although the hippos were in low spirits, the noodle kiosk owner was very
happy - he was not looking forward to their leaving. He told the hippos that
this was his most profitable year ever and that he would open a chain of
noodle bars and call each one “The Happy Hippo”.

As their departure date drew closer, both Hippo and Hipporine were glad -
they wanted to leave the island.

On their arrival at the departure desk of the local airport, the immigration
officer took one look at their passports, then he looked at Hippo and Hipporine
and finally at their luggage and proclaimed: “I am afraid you are overweight.”

“What does that mean?” demanded Hippo angrily.

“Well,” replied the officer, “This is a new resort island and many rich tourists
come and pilfer our island’s natural resources. We are concerned that one
day the island will be quite depleted. For this reason our wise emperor has
passed a decree stating that no person leaving the island is allowed to be
more than 20 kg overweight.

“But I did not buy anything said the hippo; this is exactly the same luggage I
brought with me.”
 6

“It is not your luggage,” stated the officer, “it is you. You are 200 kg over-
weight. I cannot allow you to leave.”

“This is ridiculous,” complained Hippo. “The law is for people and I am not a
person - I am hippo.”

“Well .…,” said the officer, “according to your passport your father is a rich
man who owns a large jam company. From your ticket I see that you arrived
on the VIP tour. In addition the secret police informed us about what
happened at the hotel’s swimming pool and about your eating habits. They
asked us to declare you a persona non grata. I have noticed from the way
you behave that you do have some personality, so there is no question about
it - you are a person.”

“This is a stupid law,” spluttered the hippo.

”The law is the law,” responded the officer.

”So, what do I do?” asked the, by now, quite bewildered hippo

”Mmm,” answered the officer, “I notice that you have many gold fillings - quite
a few kilograms right there. The emperor's dentist is very talented. He is able
to replace them with light porcelain fillings.”

“No one touches my teeth.” uttered Hippo proudly.

”Well,” thought the officer aloud as he looked Hippo up and down, “We can
surgically remove 200 kg from your big buttocks - it does look like prime meat
and will receive a good price at the market.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” shouted Hippo who was becoming angrier and angrier.
 7

“In that case you will have to go on a diet,” ruled the officer.

“The `D’ word you just said is considered a `4-letter word’ in my country. No
hippo with a good reputation would consider it.”

”There’s no other way,” retorted the officer.

”Ahh ... you know,” whispered Hippo, “I used the bathroom while on your
island many, many times and as I am a hippo that means that I’ve left behind
a great deal of natural resources”

”You should then have asked for a receipt,” said the startled officer who felt
that the conversation was becoming a tad tasteless.

Hippo and Hipporine were not allowed to go back to the hotel. They were
taken to the other side of the island, to a special diet centre.

“This is for your own protection,” said the manager of the centre. “If you go
back to your hotel, you’ll see all the good food and you will never loose
weight. Here we watch what you eat and see that you eat a variety of healthy
foods so soon you’ll loose your excess weight. Try to enjoy! You can see
how beautiful it is here and we even have a great `topless’ beach. “

Hippo was very upset and Hipporine was trying hard to be warm and friendly.
She clung tightly on to his arm because she was scared and she felt guilty
and responsible for this situation. After an uninteresting and meagre dinner
with no second-helpings, Hippo went to sit in the lobby with a round hippo-
doctor.

“The emperor of this island is very skinny and hates fat,” explained the doctor.
“Do you know that Pang Dao Island means `the island of the fatso’? The diet
centre is full – there are hundreds of important foreign guests here – all
dieting”
 8

”Mmm...,” thought Hippo.

That night he led the guests in a surprise attack on the emperor’s palace. It
was a Friday night and the emperor was having a barbeque in the palace
garden. The palace guards were no match for the hungry hippos who,
smelling the barbeque, became fiercer. The Emperor was forced to sign a
three-point declaration stating that the diet law had been repealed. He was
forced to abdicate his throne and give free access to the hungry guests to all
the palace’s kitchens and refrigerators. He also waived all his legal rights and
demands to the dessert for that evening's dinner.

At that, the ex-emperor left the island, flying to America on the next aeroplane.
With the help of a shrewd lawyer, forged documents and patent rights, he
claimed that his family had invented ice cream. In this way he was able to live
a long and happy life on the royalties.

The former dieting guests declared Hippo the new emperor. The first law he
promulgated gave all the guests a one-week free vacation in the hotel in order
to get back their strength, as well as free admission to the all-you-can-eat
buffet and health spa gyms at the resort hotel.

As a representative of his family's jam factory, he signed an agreement to

purchase all the coconuts on the island to make a new and successful product
– delicious coconut jam. This was such a successful deal and the jam sold so
well that the island's people grew and prospered. The coconut milk, not used
for the jam, was used for coconut shakes and given free to all visiting guests.

All visitors in fact lost weight visiting the island because coconut milk proved
to be a good laxative. In this way the natural balance on the island was saved
even without a law, and the island’s name was changed to Pang Mau,
meaning `the island of the skinny’.
 9

It was time for Hippo and Hipporine to return to their home so Hippo declared
the emperor’s palace his summer vacation palace. Eight months later,
Hipporine gave birth to a chunky-brown baby boy hippo-fant and everyone
was very happy!