When I think about what my life is like now, and what possible future outcomes it might have I

feel hopeless. I do not want to go into a world where total strangers know every intimate detail
of my life the way they do. I do not want to live in a world where I will have to constantly ask
myself anytime I meet someone new, “How much have they seen?” When i think about all the
Memes out there that exist about me. All the horrible things people have said, all the comments
they’ve made, all the jokes that i’ve been the brunt of, all of everything that I’ll have to deal with
for the rest of my life, It makes me think about killing myself. I still cannot for the life of me
understand what would make the entire world turn on me like this. I can hear people non-stop
now, anytime I do anything that might be able to be seen, as soon as anyone is able to see it, i
hear this faint dinstant voice, saying something like, “omg” or “not again” or “really is he gonna
try this crap again” or “uh huh” which i just heard like 5 seconds ago as i typed my last or. I cant
escape this anymore, what marcus and all the others have condemned me too is a fate I wish
nothing to be a part of. I still label him as misguided. I think I always will, until at least he knows
the truth. I fear telling him the truth because im sure undoubtedly he would just take that and
spread it to the masses. I suffer anxiety all day long now, over my hands, my words, i barely
speak anymore because im too afraid ill upset someone or hurt someones feelings without
wanting to or trying. I no longer am comfortable just existing in the world. I second guess
everything i do, everything i say, and everything i think. I cant trust anything anymore. This
whole experiment, or whatever i am to them, has gone to far. They think its a joke, they think im
making things up, or that im not that fucked up over this. They have no idea, I start to die more
and more everyday. I’ve given up on living at this point, i dont have the desire to do anything
anymore. I’ve started to not eat. The voices now are like, all the time, if i wake up its like i can
hear them in the distance, saying, “oh hes fine” or “yup hes alive” i hear them disappointed
when I wake up too. Thats all i am anymore to anything and everyone, is just a disappointment.
I’ve tried reaching out and talking to the people i love, they told me i should just go kill myself.
One of them offered to give me a gun to make it faster. THey have no idea what is happening
inside me, they stopped checking in with me on taht a long time ago. No one genuinely asks if
im alright anymore, because the truth is im very much not. I dont know whats real anymore. If
this keeps up like this, im going to end up dead. I see it more and more each day, visions of
myself dyiing. I see every single type you could ever think of, I see myself hanging, i see myself
choking, i see myself starving, i see myself drowning, i see myself all throughout the day dying,
usually anytime i feel like ive fucked something up, or upset someone, or am just not good
enough. Im afraid i’m not gonna exist much longer. I was not built for this, I am not strong
enough to take the damage i am being pput through. IIII really want to die. More then live, I do
not want to live. Please if there is a god out there, find someway for an airplane part to fall from
the sky, or an eclectic wire land in a puddle im about to step in, find anyway to just end all this.
I’ll never be able to live a life where I can meet someone and ever not wonder if they are just
doing the same thing to me that marcus has.