CAIDA DE LA

U.R.S.S.
21 APR 2025

hola tiable desire for the creatures. The in- the last quarter.
crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade is As moose season reaches its close,
By YO anticipated to relieve pressure on the researchers world wide are turning to
relatively strained Russian suppliers, science in an attempt to boost next
but increase Mongolia’s imbalance of year’s figures. NASA stunned the
trade with its larger neighbour. scientific community today with the
International Historically the only competitor announcment of their discovery that
the moon is significantly smaller than
to China in the far eastern moose
Moose Count markets has been Singapore but the previously believed. This conclusion,
tiny island nation is set to report a which is the conclusion of a ten-
Underway net loss, expecting a decrease of more year collaborative project, will have
than five percent on last year’s 50,000 profound implications for the moose
By BOB O’BOBSTON moose counted. The head of Singa- community as the gravitational field
pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing- is now known to be of the right
Feng Lau, explained to an incredu- strength to support moose in orbit.
lous Singaporean parliament yester- According to John Johnson, head
The UN-sponsored International
day that bad weather had contributed of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi-
Moose Census got off to a flying
to this season’s poor showing, most ment the first delivery of moose into
start today with hopes for an increase
notably when a cargo of 150 moose low moon orbit could be achieved as
in the worldwide moose population
were swept out into the Indian ocean early as the third quarter of next year.
compared to last year’s disapointing
in a monsoon. The technology to nurture moose in
figures. Among the traditional early
Yet again the global demand for space is available now’’, he said, ’’all
reporters were Egypt, returning fig-
moose will be met largely by the that is needed is political will’’.
ures of six moose, a twenty percent
increase on 2011’s figures of five, and US and Canada. The recession-hit
Uruguay whose moose population re- States is taking comfort in its moose
mains stable at eleven. growth figures with gross production Granny wins
expected to break 700,000 and net ex-
According to Robbie McRobson,
head of the UN Moose Preserva- ports to grow by 2%. The worldwide World Wrestling
dominance of Canada shows no signs
tion Council, worldwide moose num-
of abating though with this year’s
Championship
bers are expected to grow markedly
on last year due to the traditional moose population expected to match By ROY MCROYSTON
moose strongholds of Canada and the last year’s record figures of one hun-
United States, with the larger de- dred million billion.
veloping moose ecologies also poised Europe’s rise as an international
to make gains. The largest percent- moose power will slow slightly this Records were smashed in
agege increase in moose will likely year as a response to the European Nicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham-
come from China’’, says McRobson, Union’s move towards standardising pionship last night as 78-year-old
The Chinese government has invested the European moose. Stringent qual- Maud Johnson, grandmother of five,
heavily in moose infrastructure over ity controls are holding back the de- became the first woman for fifty-six
the past decade, and their committ- velopment of the eastern european years, and the oldest competitor ever,
ment to macrofauna is beginning to populations compared to last year to claim the gold medal. She walked
pay dividends’’. Since 2004 China has when they contributed significantly away with her million dollar share of
expanded moose pasture from 1.5% to europe’s strong growth figures. the prize money, runner up Tommy
of arable land to nearly 3.648% and Norway, which is not an EU member Thompson from Nigeria taking half a
moose numbers are expected to rise but has observer status, strengthed million, and third place New Zealan-
to 60,000 making China a net moose in numbers relative to the Euro area der John Smith receiving a warm
exporter for the first time. This is with numbers of Norweigian moose, handshake from the umpire.
good news for neighbouring Mongo- known locally as elk’’ expected to rise Having started the tournament a
lia, a barren moose-wasteland whose for the tenth consecutive year, partic- rank outsider she began to impress
inhabitents nonetheless have an insa- ularly thanks to a strong showing in in her second match when she took
 CAIDA DE LA U.R.S.S. 21 APR 2025 2

US number three Ron Ronson by sur- held for three hours until the Vat- ing regimen instituted by her coach
prise and subdued him in twenty sec- ican man retired from exhaustion. and grandson five-year-old Sammy
onds with her unique move that has The next seven matches were barely Johnson. "I’ve been drinking ten
been dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip". a contest as the news of Johnson’s raw eggs for breakfast every morning,
The injection of a new wrestling style supremacy overawed all her oppo- sprinting fifty miles a day and carry-
into the tournament was welcomed nents who became too indimidated to ing my daughter’s car to the end of
by spectators and Johnson’s pre- and fight properly. the road and back whenever I felt my
post-match breakdances have proved Nigerian Tommy Thompson is arthritis was OK" she said. Sammy
entertaining to fans. However, she also a relative newcomer to the added "I always knew she could do
was still not expected to win in wrestling scene, but with his 210lb it. She’s my grandma.". The young-
round three last Wednesday, facing frame he was expected to fare well ster is also her manager and has re-
off against title-holder Paulo "Spine- against Johnson who weighs in at portedly arranged sponsorship deals
Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un- only 90lb. However Johnson’s lithe which will dwarf her one million dol-
derdog Johnson was soon showing her and slender, some would say scrawny, lar prize fund. Her new contract with
worth with stamina and agility easily figure belies her agility and strength headband designer Nike alone is set
matching last year’s winner. Lutti’s which she demonstrated by holding to earn her fourteen billion dollars
experience paid off initially as he took Thompson above her head several over the next year. She will also be
the first two rounds, but as John- times during the bout and throwing promoting Tupperware, Halliburton,
son became more confident her su- him into the crowd once. With the the Republic of Macedonia, and Gala
perior strength came to the fore and scores tied at 2-2 time ran out and the Bingo. Her continued participation in
she clawed back two rounds to take contest went to a panel of judges to be the sport is not assured as she wants
the contest into a decider. By this assessed. They awarded Thompson a to spend more time on her bungee-
time Lutti’s body language indicated C grade whilst Johnson received an jumping business, and knitting. Ev-
that he already felt overawed by the A, becoming the first grandmother to eryone here at the World Champi-
pretender to his crown, and the new- ever win the title. onships, however, hopes for her re-
comer took advantage of this to en- The new champion explained her turn.
gage a mutual headlock which she success as the result of a strict train-