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Understanding Lifestory of Significant Other

Abstract
This qualitative study explored the life story of a significant other with the aim of
understanding the emotional, developmental, and relational dimensions that shape identity
over time. Using a life story interview approach, data were collected through a
semi-structured, in-depth conversation with a 23-year-old female participant. Thematic
analysis was employed to identify recurring patterns and psychological themes embedded in
the narrative. The findings revealed a dynamic psychological journey marked by early
familial warmth, identity challenges, experiences of grief, personal growth, and the essential
role of social connections. Eight major themes emerged, each supported by sub-themes and
verbatim excerpts: Early Childhood and Family Roots, Emergence of Identity and Health
Awareness, Adolescence and Academic Pressure, Loss and Family Responsibilities, Work
and Confidence Building, Conflict and Mental Health Struggles, Self-Awareness and
Reflection, and Relationships and Social Connections. The study highlights the role of
resilience, reflective insight, and interpersonal bonds in shaping an individual’s psychological
development. It also affirms the power of storytelling as a method for fostering narrative
agency and emotional integration.
Keywords: life story interview, identity development, qualitative research, resilience,
psychological reflection, thematic analysis
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Objective
To understand the life story of a significant other through Interview and Thematic
analysis.
Participant
The participant in this study was a 23-year-old female pursuing higher education, who
has been known to the researcher personally as a close friend. She was selected for her
willingness to engage deeply with reflective storytelling and her diverse lived experiences,
which provided rich, multidimensional data for analysis.

Source Used
Secondary data was utilized in the form of an in-depth, recorded and transcribed life
story interview. Secondary data in this context refers to pre-recorded qualitative content that
is revisited and analyzed in a new interpretive framework. Although the interview was
personally conducted, the transcription was reviewed, corrected, and used as the primary
source of narrative material.

Data Collection
Data was collected through a semi-structured interview format that allowed the
participant to narrate her life story freely while being gently guided by open-ended questions.
The interview was audio-recorded with consent and later transcribed for thematic analysis.

Method of Analysis
The primary method of analysis was qualitative life story analysis, supported by
narrative interpretation and thematic categorization. Pictorial aids and memory cues were
used to support deeper recall and engagement, although the core data was verbal. The
analysis focused on meaning-making processes, emotional turning points, and identity
construction across different life phases.

Procedure
The procedure involved preparing a semi-structured interview guide with broad,
open-ended prompts about early memories, family, education, relationships, personal
challenges, and reflections. The participant was briefed about the purpose of the study and
 32

ethical considerations including confidentiality and voluntary participation. The interview

was conducted in a quiet, comfortable environment and lasted approximately one hour. The
audio recording was transcribed, reviewed for accuracy, and subjected to thematic analysis
using both inductive and interpretive approaches. Emerging patterns were grouped into major
themes and sub-themes, illustrated with verbatim quotes to retain the participant’s authentic
voice.
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Result table
Table 1: thematic analysis of interview

Main Theme Sub-Themes Codes Verbatim Quotes

Early Childhood Nurturing Joint family, warmth, “I’m the result of the hard
and Family Roots Family System multigenerational work of a lot of people: my
care, storytelling own grandmother, my
aunts, other extended
family members…
everybody played their
part.”

Sibling Bond Elder sibling role, “I gave him my own bottle

and Caretaking responsibility, mutual to pacify him. So,
care yeah—very responsible
elder sister from the start!”

Grandparental Paternal and maternal “She used to spoil me like

Influence love, pampering, anything… she’d always
emotional attachment go out of her way to fulfill
those little wishes.”

Emergence of Diagnosis of Health challenges, “This could have been the

Identity and Disability lack of understanding, period… when I was
Health Awareness experimentation, diagnosed with my
family concern disability… every possible
thing in the book was being
tried on me to make things
right.”

Innocence and Lack of conscious “This baby had no idea that

Unawareness experience, blissful she was about to become a
ignorance big sister soon.”
 34

Family’s Role External validation, “I only know what other

in Identity narrated identity, people have told me about
Formation social shaping this stage.”

Adolescence and Career-Related Future uncertainty, “It was the first time I felt
Academic Anxiety peer comparison, extremely distressed.”
Pressure academic pressure

Social Peers appearing “I was surprised to see that

Comparison confident, internal for my peers, it was not as
and Doubt confusion anxious a period as it was
for me.”

Beginning of Chronic condition “I discovered a chronic

Illness unnoticed, delayed illness years after, but this
Symptoms awareness was the starting point of
that.”

Loss, Grief and Sudden Loss of COVID death, “It happened in… I think it
Family Father disbelief, trauma, took one week… we were
Responsibilities helplessness clueless.”

Shock and Unprocessed trauma, “We were in shock for, I

Prolonged delayed emotional guess, a year or maybe two
Grief response years after this.”

Role Transition Eldest child “Nobody forced me to, but

in Family responsibility, it just happened—because
voluntary maturity somebody had to do it.”

Changed Increased closeness “After that, I actually got a

Family post-loss lot more involved with my
Dynamics family than ever before.”

Work, Growth Internship and Professional growth, “This experience filled me

and Confidence Autonomy task satisfaction, with confidence like
Building confidence anything.”
 35

Daily Routine Commute, structure, “You leave the office

and Discipline tiredness, productivity after… being satisfied that,
‘Okay, today I have done
some work.’”

Female Bonding with women “Some really great girls I

Solidarity and peers, mutual met in the office itself…
Friendship motivation we made friends.”

Conflict, Extended Shaming, “Lots of unkind things

Rejection and Family misjudgment, were said by my extended
Mental Health Criticism disrespect family… it impacted my
Struggles self-esteem.”

Emotional Sadness, anger, “First I was in shock. Then

Reactions to numbness I was really sad. Then I
Rejection became really angry.
Then… numb.”

Health Chronic illness “The severity of that

Deterioration flare-up, emotional increased like anything…
from Trauma link to physical health could have been because of
the extreme trauma.”

Self-Awareness Recognition of Survival mode, “I have for a very long time

and Reflection Maladaptive burnout, fatigue stayed in survival mode…
Patterns it’s actually harming me.”

Awareness Self-realization, “Awareness is not enough

without Action inertia, lack of until you take action… if
initiative you can’t do anything
about it, it’s of no use.”

Loss of Cognitive fog, “I have become a different

Personal Drive changed self, regret person now, which I don’t
know if I like a lot.”
 36

Resilience, Hope Sense of Appreciation for “Not everybody is as

and Inner Privilege and support systems privileged as I am…
Strength Gratitude emotionally, financially,
physically.”

Resistance to Optimism, hope, “Eventually—at least till

Bitterness kindness as defense now—I get out of that. And
I don’t let the bitterness get
to me.”

Hope for Faith in future, “I think my time will

Redemption optimism come.”

Relationships and School and Core peer group, “With these 4 or 5 friends, I
Social College emotional support thought I will move
Connections Friendships forward in my life.”

Support from a Consistent support, “Of course, my best friend

Best Friend presence through had been by my side from
phases childhood.”

Office New bonding, women “Some really great girls I

Friendships solidarity met in the office itself…
we made friends.”
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Discussion
This practical aimed to explore the life story of a significant other through qualitative
inquiry. The chosen significant other was a close friend, and the method employed was a life
story interview. Life story research allows for a deeper understanding of an individual’s lived
experiences, challenges, values, and developmental journey through their own narrative. The
objective was to gain insights into the shaping of identity, emotional development, and
resilience over time through personal storytelling.
The qualitative nature of this method supports an interpretative and context-rich
exploration of the participant's experiences. Thematic analysis was used to analyze the
interview data, where emergent patterns were organized under major themes and sub-themes.
Below is a detailed discussion of each major theme derived from the interview, supported by
participant verbatims.
Early Childhood and Family Roots
The participant’s narrative of her early childhood offered a vivid picture of warmth,
emotional security, and strong relational bonds, laying the foundation for her core personality.
Growing up in a joint family structure, she experienced a deeply nurturing environment
where caregiving was not limited to her parents but extended to grandparents, aunts, uncles,
and other members of the extended family. This collective support system helped her develop
an early sense of belonging and interdependence. She reflected, “I’m the result of the hard
work of a lot of people: my own grandmother, my aunts, other extended family members…
everybody played their part,” capturing the essence of a childhood where she felt protected
and valued by many.
Her relationship with her younger brother further emphasized her early capacity for
empathy and responsibility. Even as a toddler, she displayed nurturing behavior, such as the
moment she shared her own milk bottle to comfort her crying sibling. This small yet powerful
act reflected a natural inclination toward caregiving and a deeply rooted sense of familial
duty: “I gave him my own bottle to pacify him. So, yeah—very responsible elder sister from
the start!” This early experience of being an elder sibling contributed to the shaping of her
identity as dependable and emotionally attuned to others' needs.
Equally significant was the influence of her grandparents, particularly her paternal
grandmother. Although the participant lost her at an early age, the memories she retained
were filled with affection and indulgence. Her grandmother’s constant efforts to fulfill even
her whimsical childhood requests left a lasting emotional imprint. As she recalled, “She used
to spoil me like anything… she’d always go out of her way to fulfill those little wishes.”
 38

These moments of joy and unconditional love from her grandparents not only enriched her
early experiences but also helped establish a template of what emotional care and presence
feel like.
Together, these interconnected familial relationships fostered a safe emotional space
during the participant’s formative years. The consistency of affection and involvement from
family members laid the groundwork for her ability to trust, connect, and show care for
others later in life. These early roots became a recurring point of strength and comfort
throughout her life story, especially in moments of vulnerability and transition.
Emergence of Identity and Health Awareness
As the participant progressed from early childhood into later developmental phases,
her narrative began to reflect the complex process of identity formation, especially in the
context of health and physical self-awareness. One of the earliest and most significant aspects
that shaped this part of her journey was her diagnosis with a disability. Although she was too
young at the time to comprehend the implications, she later learned from her family about the
extensive efforts they had undertaken in hopes of managing or reversing her condition. She
noted, “This could have been the period… when I was diagnosed with my disability… every
possible thing in the book was being tried on me to make things right.” This quote reveals not
just the medical and logistical challenges her family went through, but also how these
attempts formed the backdrop of her early developmental years.
Interestingly, the participant herself had little memory of these initial health concerns,
underscoring a sense of innocence and unawareness that characterized her childhood. She
described this vividly by saying, “This baby had no idea that she was about to become a big
sister soon,” which, while humorous in tone, highlighted the untouched state of her
consciousness at the time—a phase where life was still simple and shielded from more
complex realities.
What emerged powerfully was the role of the family in constructing her early identity,
particularly when she reflected on how much of her knowledge about this time was not her
own but told to her by others. She stated, “I only know what other people have told me about
this stage.” This reveals how in the absence of direct memory, one’s sense of self is often
pieced together from external narratives. Her identity, in its formative years, was not only
self-experienced but also socially shaped by family recollections and stories, which carried
emotional weight and set the tone for her understanding of herself.
This theme illustrates a layered process in which identity emerges through both
internal experience and external feedback. The intertwining of medical complexity, familial
 39

care, and narrated memory marks a critical turning point in the participant’s development. It
not only shaped how she viewed her own body and abilities but also planted early seeds of
self-reflection, resilience, and relational interdependence that would later resurface in more
mature forms during times of crisis.
Adolescence and Academic Pressure
The adolescent phase of the participant's life marked a significant transition in her
emotional and psychological landscape, revealing a blend of ambition, anxiety, and emerging
self-doubt. One of the most recurring themes during this time was the pressure to carve a
clear academic and professional path. In her words, “It was the first time I felt extremely
distressed,” she captured the mental toll that career-related expectations placed on her. The
world seemed to expect decisiveness, yet she found herself in a fog of uncertainty,
overwhelmed by the multitude of choices and the weight of making the right one.
This pressure became even more pronounced when she began comparing her
experience with that of her peers. The sub-theme of social comparison was palpable in her
reflection: “I was surprised to see that for my peers, it was not as anxious a period as it was
for me.” Here, the disconnect between her internal struggles and the apparent ease with which
others navigated similar decisions amplified her self-doubt. It created a feeling of
isolation—not because she lacked support, but because she perceived her anxiety as
disproportionate to what others were experiencing.
Concurrently, this phase marked the subtle beginning of her physical health
challenges, which at the time remained undiagnosed. She recalled, “I discovered a chronic
illness years after, but this was the starting point of that,” suggesting that her body was
already registering the stress and emotional conflict, even before she had the language or
diagnosis to name it. This physical manifestation of stress underscores how deeply
psychological strain can embed itself into one’s physiology.
Together, these experiences reflect an adolescent period filled with inner turmoil,
silent comparison, and the slow surfacing of a chronic condition. What makes this period
particularly important is not just the external transitions—such as finishing school or
selecting a career—but the internal battleground between self-expectation and perceived
inadequacy. This struggle deeply influenced her emerging adult identity, one that had to learn
to balance ambition with acceptance, and vulnerability with quiet strength.
Loss, Grief and Family Responsibilities
The next chapter of the participant’s life brought a profound shift through an
unexpected and devastating loss—her father’s passing during the COVID-19 pandemic. This
 40

theme encapsulates not only the depth of grief she endured but also the maturity and
emotional labor she embraced in response to the tragedy. The sub-theme of sudden loss is
poignantly illustrated in her words: “It happened in… I think it took one week… we were
clueless.” The abruptness of this event left her and her family in shock, thrusting them into a
state of emotional paralysis where there was neither time nor emotional readiness to process
what had happened.
The aftermath of this trauma carried over for months, even years, as suggested by her
reflection, “We were in shock for, I guess, a year or maybe two years after this.” The grief
wasn’t just about the absence of a parent—it was also about the sudden loss of a protective
figure and the emotional safety that accompanied him. During this time, the participant had to
grapple with the incongruence between the immense emotional void and the everyday
expectations to carry on with life.
In the wake of this loss, her role within the family also transformed significantly. With
quiet strength, she stepped into new responsibilities, becoming a pillar for her household.
“Nobody forced me to, but it just happened—because somebody had to do it,” she said,
summarizing how the burden of caregiving often arrives without warning or invitation. Her
shift from being cared for to becoming a caretaker not only matured her emotionally but also
altered her perspective on what it means to be reliable.
This transformation also brought about a change in her relationship with her family.
Prior to the loss, she, like many teenagers, had begun distancing herself in search of personal
independence. But the emotional shock created a pull back to the familial core: “After that, I
actually got a lot more involved with my family than ever before.” This re-engagement was
not just circumstantial—it became a source of emotional healing and grounded her through
subsequent phases of life.
This theme, overall, revealed her emotional growth under pressure, the redefinition of
familial roles, and the resilience it takes to manage both grief and life’s continuity at the same
time. The loss became a crucible that reshaped her into a more responsible, emotionally
mature individual, while also softening her bonds with family through renewed intimacy and
mutual dependence.
Work, Growth and Confidence Building
Following the turbulence of loss and emotional realignment, the participant entered a
phase that marked the beginning of self-assurance and renewal through professional
engagement. This theme centers on how work became not just a necessity but a space for
empowerment and psychological rebuilding. Her internship played a transformative role in
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this process, offering her a sense of structure, competence, and visibility. She stated, “This
experience filled me with confidence like anything,” highlighting how successfully
completing real-world tasks helped her reclaim a sense of efficacy that had been shaken by
earlier life events.
Through this internship, she began to develop a steady routine, which in itself was
therapeutic. Establishing regularity in her day, commuting, and ending workdays with a sense
of accomplishment allowed her to reconnect with a feeling of normalcy. She shared, “You
leave the office after… being satisfied that, ‘Okay, today I have done some work,’”
underscoring the intrinsic value of disciplined effort in restoring her confidence.
More importantly, this period also brought meaningful relationships that extended
beyond the professional setting. She spoke of the support and camaraderie she found among
her women colleagues, saying, “Some really great girls I met in the office itself… we made
friends.” These friendships were not only refreshing but also served as a support system,
enabling her to rebuild her social identity in a positive and empowering environment. After
experiencing criticism and loss, the solidarity she found with her peers helped fill emotional
gaps and restore her belief in interpersonal connection.
This theme illustrates how structured external environments, like workspaces, can
become catalysts for internal healing. For the participant, it wasn’t just about gaining
experience or fulfilling responsibilities—it was about regaining confidence in herself,
reestablishing emotional safety, and proving to herself that she could not only survive but
also thrive. This phase represented an important shift from passive coping to active
self-building, making it a critical milestone in her life journey.
Conflict, Rejection and Mental Health Struggles
While the participant’s journey reflects numerous moments of strength, learning, and
development, it also bears the imprints of emotional wounds caused by rejection,
invalidation, and psychological strain. This theme captures how painful interpersonal
experiences, particularly within the extended family, had lasting consequences on her mental
health and self-esteem.
The emotional pain of being judged and misunderstood by her own relatives came
through vividly. When she said, “Lots of unkind things were said by my extended family… it
impacted my self-esteem,” it was evident that this wasn’t just an offhanded memory—it was
a defining emotional injury. What stung more than the words themselves was the source of
the judgment. The criticism came not from strangers but from those expected to offer
 42

unconditional acceptance. This betrayal magnified her vulnerability and created deep fissures
in her self-concept.
The emotional toll of these experiences is reflected in the participant’s psychological
reactions. She described a sequential shift in her emotional states—shock, sadness, anger, and
finally numbness. Her quote, “First I was in shock. Then I was really sad. Then I became
really angry. Then… numb,” captures the trajectory of someone who is trying to feel but has
reached the threshold of emotional overload. Numbness, in this context, is not detachment but
the body’s coping mechanism when everything becomes too overwhelming to process.
This internal struggle also had somatic repercussions. The participant observed a
direct link between this emotionally intense phase and the worsening of her chronic illness:
“The severity of that increased like anything… could have been because of the extreme
trauma.” Her body, already sensitized by earlier stressors, responded to emotional upheaval
with intensified physical symptoms. This points to the interconnectedness of psychological
trauma and physical health—a mind-body feedback loop where one aggravates the other.
This theme underscores that resilience doesn’t emerge in the absence of adversity—it
is shaped in its very fire. For the participant, the sting of rejection, the frustration of feeling
misunderstood, and the silence that followed were not just episodes of sadness but phases of
deep introspection. These moments pushed her to confront her self-worth, question familial
bonds, and begin a long-term journey of emotional healing. While these were some of the
darkest pages in her life story, they were also the ones that catalyzed her inner work and
emotional depth.
Self-Awareness and Reflection
As the participant navigated through adversity, achievement, and emotional upheaval,
a profound pattern emerged in her narrative—one of deep introspection and psychological
insight. This theme highlights her ability to reflect on her inner world, identify recurring
emotional and behavioral patterns, and grapple with the tension between awareness and
transformation.
A recurring sentiment in her reflections was the recognition of having lived in a
prolonged state of survival. She admitted, “I have for a very long time stayed in survival
mode… it’s actually harming me.” This acknowledgment reflects not only an understanding
of her coping mechanisms but also the toll it has taken on her vitality, mental focus, and
emotional balance. Her use of the phrase “survival mode” illustrates a life lived reactively
rather than mindfully—where energy is directed toward getting through each day rather than
intentionally shaping one’s future.
 43

Equally powerful was her insight into the limitations of awareness itself. She
remarked, “Awareness is not enough until you take action… if you can’t do anything about it,
it’s of no use.” This brutally honest reflection captures a common psychological dilemma:
knowing one’s patterns does not automatically lead to change. For her, the stagnation that
followed awareness became its own kind of frustration—an intellectual clarity that lacked the
emotional momentum to drive transformation.
In addition, she reflected on how much she had changed and whether those changes still
reflected who she truly wanted to be. “I have become a different person now, which I don’t
know if I like a lot,” she confessed. This internal conflict reveals a kind of mourning—not for
lost potential alone, but for a version of herself that she once admired and perhaps misses. It
reflects an ongoing negotiation between her past and present self, between how life has
shaped her and how she hopes to shape her life moving forward.
This theme captures the psychological maturity of the participant’s journey. It
demonstrates not only her capacity for introspection but also the emotional cost of carrying
awareness without change. Still, this self-reflective space is essential. It signals a turning
point in her life story—a place where she is no longer swept up by events but is beginning to
pause, examine, and prepare to act with greater intentionality. These insights lay the
groundwork for future personal growth, suggesting that the seeds of transformation have
already been planted.
Relationships and Social Connections
Throughout the interview, it became clear that social relationships played an essential
role in shaping the participant’s emotional well-being and resilience. This theme weaves
through different phases of her life, illustrating how friendships and interpersonal bonds
became powerful sources of stability, identity affirmation, and emotional safety.
During her formative years, the presence of close school and college friends acted as a
cornerstone of her social identity. She shared, “With these 4 or 5 friends, I thought I will
move forward in my life,” highlighting not just companionship but a shared vision of the
future. These bonds were characterized by emotional openness, consistency, and mutual
encouragement, and they helped ease the pressures of academic life and growing self-doubt.
Her connection with her best friend emerged as one of the most steadfast relationships
in her life. “Of course, my best friend had been by my side from childhood,” she recalled.
This long-standing friendship functioned as a constant in a world of unpredictability. Through
family losses, emotional shifts, and personal transformation, this person remained a
 44

supportive presence—someone who knew her story across different life stages and offered a
safe, non-judgmental space.
In her professional environment as well, she found new friendships that revitalized her sense
of belonging. Speaking about the friends she made during her internship, she reflected,
“Some really great girls I met in the office itself… we made friends.” These relationships
were particularly meaningful as they occurred during a phase of rebuilding confidence and
stepping back into the world post-COVID and post-trauma. The solidarity she found with her
colleagues helped her bridge emotional gaps and reframe her social confidence.
This theme underscores how relationships functioned as emotional lifelines at
different phases of the participant’s life. Whether through childhood bonds, enduring
best-friendship, or adult workplace camaraderie, each connection contributed uniquely to her
resilience. These relationships provided validation, emotional safety, and shared
meaning—elements that strengthened her during periods of confusion, transition, and growth.
In her life story, they were not merely background characters but central to her evolving sense
of self and belonging.
As with any qualitative study, the findings are rooted in a single participant's narrative
and cannot be generalized. The interpretation is also influenced by the researcher’s
subjectivity, which, although minimized through reflexivity and rigor, may still shape the lens
through which the data was analyzed. Memory distortions and selective recall may have
affected the accuracy of certain events discussed by the participant. Additionally, emotional
sensitivity around certain life events may have led to withholding or filtering of details,
impacting narrative completeness.
The insights from this study can inform practices in counseling and psychotherapy
where life stories are often central to therapeutic engagement. The themes of resilience,
emotional reflection, and relational influence could help therapists and educators better
understand the developmental needs of individuals navigating grief, identity struggles, or low
self-worth. Future research may benefit from including multiple life story interviews across
diverse contexts to explore common patterns of psychological development and
transformation. Furthermore, integrating visual or creative methods such as photovoice or
journaling could enrich the narrative process and deepen emotional articulation in life story
research.
 45

Conclusion
This study underscores the value of life story interviews in exploring how individuals
derive meaning from their lived experiences. Through the participant’s reflective narrative, a
complex yet coherent psychological journey emerged—marked by early emotional nurturing,
identity disruptions, familial grief, inner conflicts, and eventual pathways to
self-understanding. Her story illustrates how personal growth is not a straight trajectory but a
layered and evolving process shaped by both adversity and resilience.
A key insight from this study is the central role of human connection in fostering
resilience. Her relationships—with family, friends, and professional peers—emerged as
emotional anchors that sustained her through challenging times. These connections not only
supported her sense of belonging but also helped her reframe moments of rejection and
trauma. The findings reinforce existing psychological theories on the importance of secure
attachments and relational validation in the development of self-worth.
Ultimately, this study reaffirms that identity is not static—it is constantly reshaped by
the stories we tell ourselves and the meanings we assign to our experiences. By narrating her
life in her own words, the participant engaged in an act of reclaiming agency. In doing so, she
turned moments of silence, grief, and inner conflict into reflections that offered healing,
clarity, and direction. Her story reminds us of the transformative power of storytelling—not
only as a research method but as a pathway to deeper self-awareness and integration.
 46

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APPENDIX
 48

QRM MOVIE SUMMARY

Phase 1: Departure from Home

The film opens in a serene and spiritual setting, portraying Siddhartha’s early life as the son
of a respected Brahmin. Raised amidst rituals, chants, and philosophical teachings,
Siddhartha is admired for his intellect, beauty, and discipline. He masters the Vedas,
meditates under banyan trees, performs ablutions, and engages in discussions on sacred
scriptures. Yet, despite the reverence he receives from elders and the love of his close friend
Govinda, Siddhartha feels a deep inner restlessness.

He begins to question the knowledge handed down to him, sensing that true enlightenment
cannot be attained through words, rituals, or inherited wisdom. The formal teachings of
Brahmanism leave him unsatisfied, and the cycle of chanting and offerings begins to feel
hollow. His growing doubt leads to an internal conflict—respect for his father’s path versus
the urge to explore his own.

Eventually, Siddhartha decides to leave home and join the Samanas—wandering ascetics who
renounce material and physical pleasures. This decision marks a profound shift: a break from
tradition, a rupture from the familiar, and the beginning of a spiritual odyssey. His father
initially refuses, but Siddhartha silently stands in meditation all night. By dawn, the father
relents, realizing his son has already made his spiritual choice.

This phase sets the tone for the rest of the film, showing Siddhartha as someone who is not
satisfied with second-hand truths, but seeks direct, experiential knowledge.

Phase 2: Life with the Samanas

After leaving home, Siddhartha and his loyal companion Govinda join the Samanas—a group
of wandering ascetics who believe that liberation from suffering comes through self-denial
and detachment from the physical world. They live in the forest, wear rags, fast for days, and
meditate to extinguish desire and ego.
 49

Siddhartha pushes his body and mind to extremes: enduring hunger, resisting pain, and
training himself to detach from worldly cravings. He becomes skilled in deep meditation and
temporarily transcends the self, but with time, he begins to see this path as yet another
illusion. The Samanas’ teachings, though disciplined, seem circular—full of effort but
lacking transformation. Siddhartha realizes that while he can escape the self for moments, he
always returns to it.

He expresses doubt, questioning whether this renunciation truly leads to enlightenment or

merely dulls the senses. Even the Samanas, despite their years of penance, appear no closer to
truth than when they began. This realization motivates Siddhartha and Govinda to leave the
Samanas and seek a new path—this time in the presence of the famed Gautama Buddha.

Phase 3: Meeting the Buddha

Siddhartha and Govinda arrive in a nearby town upon hearing of a great sage known as
Gautama, the Buddha, who is said to have attained enlightenment. They listen to his
teachings with great interest. The Buddha speaks with serene authority, radiating inner peace
that deeply moves both of them.

Govinda is so inspired by the Buddha that he decides to join his order of monks. However,
Siddhartha, though respectful and admiring, chooses a different path. He believes that
enlightenment cannot be taught; it must be experienced firsthand. Siddhartha acknowledges
the Buddha’s wisdom but feels that clinging to another’s path would again be a form of
dependence. He thanks the Buddha for his kindness and departs alone.

This phase marks a pivotal point—Siddhartha parts ways with Govinda and consciously
embraces solitude. It reflects a shift from external guidance to internal exploration, making it
one of the most philosophical moments in his journey.

Phase 4: Exploration of Sensual Pleasures

Having left behind the ascetics and the teachings of the Buddha, Siddhartha enters a new
phase of life—one that immerses him in the pleasures of the material world. He meets
Kamala, a beautiful and wise courtesan who introduces him to the art of love. For the first
time, Siddhartha experiences sensual pleasure, emotional intimacy, and the complexities of
human desire.
 50

To be with Kamala, he learns to dress well, groom himself, speak in refined ways, and soon
finds work with the merchant Kamaswami. Siddhartha, once an ascetic, now enters the
bustling world of wealth, trade, and indulgence. He begins to accumulate money, enjoy fine
food, gamble, and participate in the worldly life of the city.

However, he engages with this life curiously, almost playfully—never fully losing his inner
awareness. Still, the deeper he goes into pleasure and success, the more distant his spiritual
longing becomes. This phase represents Siddhartha’s surrender to the world—not out of
weakness, but as a step in his quest to fully experience life in all its forms.

Phase 5: Indulgence in Material Wealth

Now firmly entrenched in the city, Siddhartha becomes a successful businessman under the
mentorship of Kamaswami, trading goods and managing wealth. He masters negotiation,
learns the language of profit, and lives in luxury. His days are filled with numbers, deals, fine
wines, elaborate meals, and sensual encounters.

Though he once regarded wealth as meaningless, he now indulges in it, slowly losing his
spiritual clarity. Gambling becomes a frequent escape. His mind, once sharp and serene, is
dulled by boredom, greed, and desire. He begins to feel a creeping emptiness, a spiritual
fatigue. He has everything he once thought he didn’t need—and it weighs heavily on him.

Siddhartha becomes disillusioned with the artificial pleasures of wealth. He begins to dream
of death, decay, and snakes—symbolizing the corruption of his soul. Eventually, he realizes
that he has strayed far from his quest for truth. He leaves Kamala, abandons his wealth, and
walks away without a word, choosing the unknown once more.

Phase 6: Disillusionment and Departure

After years of indulgence in pleasure and wealth, Siddhartha’s soul becomes deeply
burdened. His dreams are filled with symbols of decay—rotten food, dying animals, and
serpents. These visions reflect his spiritual crisis. He realizes he has betrayed the path he once
followed with such intensity.

Disgusted by his own vanity and excess, Siddhartha finally reaches his breaking point. One
night, he quietly leaves behind the riches, the fine clothes, and even Kamala. He walks alone
through the forest, tormented by emptiness, until he reaches a river. Overwhelmed by despair,
 51

he contemplates ending his life in the water. But as he leans toward the current, the sacred
sound “Om” echoes within him—a vibration that recalls his forgotten self.

The sound brings Siddhartha back from the edge of death. He collapses under a tree and falls
into a deep sleep. When he awakens, he feels renewed—as if the burden of his past life has
been lifted. The old Siddhartha has died, and a new seeker has been born. This moment is not
just a departure from the world—it is a symbolic rebirth.

Phase 7: Life by the River

After his spiritual rebirth near the river, Siddhartha meets Vasudeva, the humble ferryman
who rows people across the river with grace and peace. Vasudeva offers Siddhartha shelter
and simple companionship. Over time, Siddhartha chooses to stay and live with him, helping
with the ferry and observing the river.

Unlike any teacher before, the river itself becomes Siddhartha’s guru. Its constant yet
ever-changing nature mirrors the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. It teaches him to listen—not
just with ears, but with the heart. Vasudeva, gentle and wise, tells him that the river speaks to
those who are quiet enough to hear it.

Siddhartha spends years learning from the river. He lives in stillness, watching time pass,
people come and go, the sun rise and set. In the simplicity of this life, Siddhartha finds a quiet
joy, a deepening of his awareness, and the beginning of true wisdom.

Phase 9: Challenges of Parenthood – “Letting Go”

Siddhartha struggles deeply as a father. His son is angry, withdrawn, and refuses to accept the
river life. Despite Siddhartha’s gentleness, the boy mocks him, breaks rules, and eventually
runs away, abandoning his father just as Siddhartha had once abandoned his own.

Siddhartha is devastated. He searches for his son but comes to realize a difficult truth: love is
not possession, and true understanding means accepting another’s path—even when it hurts.
Vasudeva, ever wise, helps Siddhartha process his grief, reminding him that the river teaches
not just peace but also release.
 52

This phase represents a painful emotional awakening. Siddhartha realizes that suffering and
loss are part of love, and this understanding deepens his compassion—for others, for his
father, and for himself.

Phase 10: Enlightenment and Peace

With years passing, Siddhartha settles into stillness by the river. His pain dissolves into
acceptance. He listens more deeply than ever before—not just to the river, but to life itself. In
its eternal flow, he hears the voices of all beings—joy, sorrow, birth, death, all merging into
one sound: Om.

When Govinda, now an aging monk, visits Siddhartha, he does not recognize him at first.
They speak, and Govinda is amazed by the serenity Siddhartha radiates. Unlike the Buddha’s
formal teachings, Siddhartha’s wisdom has grown from experience, suffering, love, and loss.

In the end, Govinda asks Siddhartha for a final teaching. Siddhartha says nothing—instead,
he asks Govinda to kiss his forehead. In that silent moment, Govinda glimpses the unity of all
things. Siddhartha has become what he once sought: not a teacher, but a being in harmony
with existence.
 53

Life story interview transcript

Speaker 1:

Okay. Good afternoon, Priyanka. So can you tell me a little about how you’re feeling today?
And before we go into this conversation, can you tell me that?

Speaker 2:

Good afternoon, Jaishank. I’m feeling good today. I was working late last night, so I’m just a
little bit tired, but otherwise, it’s a Sunday—I’m feeling good.

Speaker 1:

Good. Okay, that’s great. So can we start now?

Speaker 2:

Sure.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So in this photo, can you walk me through what’s happening?

Speaker 2:

Alright. So this is a picture of me and my grandmother. I’m a baby here—probably a year

old, or maybe younger than that.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so where was this taken?

Speaker 2:
 54

This was taken at my grandmother’s place. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So is there anything specific that comes to your mind when you see this photo? Any
story that your parents or other relatives must have told you?

Speaker 2:

Sure. So first of all, this place itself—my grandmother’s home—I have really sweet
memories of being there. As children, we used to love going there and had the time of our
lives during vacations. Actually, my grandmother’s place is really close to my own house, so
it was a very, very good time to look back on.

Of course, I’m a baby here, so I’ve been told a lot of stories—how everybody—not just my
parents (of course they did the most hard work)—but people around them gave them a lot of
support. I’m the result of the hard work of a lot of people: my own grandmother, my aunts,
other extended family members, their friends—everybody played their part. That’s what I’ve
been told.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, okay. Please continue.

Speaker 2:

And what else I’ve been told about myself at this particular age is that I’m probably a few
months old in this picture. But as a baby and as a child, going to my grandmother’s
place—which was a joint family—I was the first child of my mother. So I was really, really
pampered, yes.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so specifically in this phase of your life, what was your day like? I mean, what was
your schedule? I know you wouldn’t remember, but what have your parents or relatives told
you?

Speaker 2:
 55

Sure. So as a baby, of course, I’ve been told—not just told—I’ve experienced, you know, the
typical baby treatment every child receives. Getting to eat, sleep, being spoiled like anything,
playing around, getting massages from old grannies and everything. So yeah, that’s the kind
of schedule I must have had at this stage.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So were there any major changes or challenges in this phase that your parents or close
family members told you about?

Speaker 2:

I think as a baby, I don’t think there were any such challenges. Also, to give you a little bit of
context, this is probably the time when I was either about to become an elder sister or had just
become one. I believe I was a few months away from becoming an elder sister. So yes, this
baby had no idea that she was about to become a big sister soon.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So is there a story behind this picture that you’ve never told before but would like to
share now?

Speaker 2:

I barely—no, actually—I don’t remember what was going on with me at the time. I only
know what other people have told me about this stage in my life.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So if you could go back and talk to yourself in this photo, what would you say or do?
Would you want to change anything?

Speaker 2:

I don’t think I’d change anything. Since it’s a baby, I’d just play with her and spoil
her—that’s all I’d do.

Speaker 1:
 56

Okay. So can we move to the next picture then?

Speaker 2:

Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so now can you walk me through this picture? What’s happening in this photo?

Speaker 2:

Got it. So this is a picture of me as a toddler—probably not two, but I guess around three
years old. I’m holding a towel, and I’m in my father’s shop. And yeah, I think I’m having a
really good time.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So what memories come to your mind when you look at this picture?

Speaker 2:

I think from this particular stage, I have memories—because, you know, as a toddler, you
start having really faded memories. So I have faint memories of starting to get a sense of
myself. This is the time when children start developing a consciousness of their own, right?

And of course, I was learning a lot—being introduced to alphabets, numbers, playing with
toys, listening to lots of stories, and having early exposure to children’s literature. Also, at
this time, I had a younger sibling, so I was playing with my brother. That’s what I remember.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

I was also really into dancing as a child at this stage.

Speaker 1:

Okay. Are there any small details that stand out to you now in this photo?
 57

Speaker 2:

I think in this picture, I can see that a simple doll gave me so much happiness. Now, as a
22-year-old, I look at it and say, “Oh God, how simple life was back then.”

Speaker 1:

Okay. So what were you like at this phase of your life? I mean, were you a happy baby, a
fussy baby, or a crybaby?

Speaker 2:

I’ve been told that I was a happy baby and especially a very unproblematic one. I was a
toddler who didn’t create any issues for my parents or the people around me. My parents
have told me anecdotes from trips where there were other kids from our extended family. And
while those kids were giving their parents a hard time—crying, throwing tantrums, or getting
sick—I was calm and composed. I didn’t even throw up or create any mess. That’s what I’ve
been told about this phase.

Speaker 1:

Okay. Since you mentioned that at this phase you got to meet your new baby brother, what
was that like? How were you toward him?

Speaker 2:

I think I became an elder sister at a very young age, so I never really noticed the transition. I
wasn’t a single child for long, and during the time I was, I barely had any self-awareness.
From the moment I started gaining consciousness, I already had a younger brother.

So I’ve been told that from the beginning, I was really caring towards him. There’s even this
one story where we were alone in a room—my brother was just a few months old, and he
started crying. I was drinking milk from my own bottle, and since my mom wasn’t around, I
gave him my own bottle to pacify him. So, yeah—very responsible elder sister from the start!

Speaker 1:
 58

That was really sweet of you as a new elder sister—and really wise at such a young age. So at
that phase, who were the most important people in your life? Your parents, grandparents,
your younger brother?

Speaker 2:

Sure. As a child, I think your exposure is mostly limited to family. I started going to
playschool around this age. So the closest people were definitely my parents, my brother,
both my grandmothers—maternal and paternal—and my grandfather too. These were the
most important people in my life.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So we’ve talked about your maternal grandmother—can you tell me about your rapport
and relationship with your paternal grandparents? Any memories or special stories?

Speaker 2:

Sure. That’s a great question. I actually lost my paternal grandmother when I was in first
standard—so about two or three years after this picture.

The memories I do have with her are really sweet and amazing. I’ve been told she used to
spoil me like anything. I was pampered a lot. For example, if I said I wanted sweets, she’d
make it a point to get them. And you know how children are—we make random demands,
and even when the thing is brought to us, we sometimes don’t even want it anymore! But
she’d always go out of her way to fulfill those little wishes.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So in this phase of your life, were there any major changes or challenges that you were
going through?

Speaker 2:

I think this is something I was told much later in life, and even I’ve only started to understand
it now. This could have been the period—between ages 3 and 5—when I was diagnosed with
my disability.
 59

The child in this picture has no idea, and it would take years for her to understand what’s
going on. But this is the time when every possible thing in the book was being tried on me to
make things right. Of course, those efforts were not successful, but that’s what I’ve been told.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So if you could go back and talk to yourself in this photo, what would you say or do?

Speaker 2:

I’d probably just get her some more dolls and toys—because the child looks really, really
happy with toys.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so shall we move to the next picture?

Speaker 2:

Sure. Just a second.

Speaker 2:

So what’s happening in this photo?

Speaker 1:

Yes, so this is a picture of my mom. My dad, my sister, and me in an ice cream parlor.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, okay. So any specific memory that is associated with this picture, or any small detail
that stands out to you?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so I think regarding this picture, I would say this was clicked during the COVID phase.
And of course, COVID came in two waves. So I think it was the first wave—after the first
wave. Not during the wave, but after—or maybe before—the first wave. Around that time.
 60

This was also the time when I was in 11th standard or 12th standard. A phase in which, in the
past few years of my school life, I was a really sincere child—really putting my foot forward
for everything. But a very anxious phase came into my life wherein I had to choose a path for
myself according to a future career, right? So that was filled with lots of apprehension, lots of
confusion, I would say. And I think I was surprised to see that for my peers, it was not as
anxious a period as it was for me. I still remember—it was the first time I felt extremely
distressed.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So what were you like specifically in this phase of your life? And did anything change
from the previous phase in comparison?

Speaker 1:

So of course, you’re at the peak of your puberty during this time—that’s going on. But I think
apart from that, I would say the career apprehension was in major spotlight during this phase.
That was my major point of confusion. But I would also say that this picture is taken during a
phase right before I lost my dad. So again, a very—I think a year after this, or I guess two
years after this—I would end up losing my dad. So this picture sort of symbolizes very
simple times in the real sense.

But it was a very anxious time for me, for the first time in my life, because of the career
thing. And in a year or two, losing my dad—that was a completely shattering story. That was
something else. But before that, I would say… and yeah, also again, to give you more
context—I discovered a chronic illness years after, but this was the starting point of that. And
I had no idea that it was a…

Speaker 2:

Chronic illness?

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:
 61

Since you mentioned that in this phase you lost your father—what were the major challenges
associated with that, and how did you manage or accommodate such a big loss in your life at
that point? You were really young—I think you were still a teenager, right?

Speaker 1:

I lost him in 2021. I guess I was 18.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so how did you manage at that point in your life?

Speaker 1:

So I think I would say that it was completely shattering—not just for me, but for my whole
family. It was completely unexpected. It happened in, you know, simply—I think it took one
week for everything to happen. He got COVID, and then things went downhill in a matter of
days. Just a few days—and it was unbelievable. We were clueless.

The whole family was clueless. Like—now what? What do we do? There was shock. The
period was… we were in shock for, I guess, a year or maybe two years after this. Because
processing the fact that you have actually lost someone in your life is not something that
happens in a day. It’s not something that even happens in months. It takes time to actually
realize the fact that the thing has happened. And while you’re realizing it, the world doesn’t
wait for you. You still have to keep moving, keep doing your work, keep taking on additional
responsibilities—current responsibilities—dealing with innumerable problems while still
processing.

Speaker 2:

Okay, yeah. So due to this event, was there any specific change in you that you noticed?

Speaker 1:

I guess I have always been a very responsible and unproblematic child. But I would say,
during my late teens, I was given that kind of space by my parents and by my family where I
could explore my interests. I could do whatever I wanted to with my time, and everything
 62

else would be taken care of by them. Basically, nothing to worry about—just learning and
enjoying. That was the kind of life I had before.

But when this thing happened—of course, losing a parent is something… I don’t even know
if I know how to put these feelings into words. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to
successfully tell you about that, because articulating itself is difficult, right? But yeah, I
would say I took on a lot of responsibilities. Nobody forced me to, but it just
happened—because somebody had to do it, right? And yeah, I mean, I was the eldest child. I
stepped up. And it was not something I was forced into—not at all. But it was just the need of
the moment, because what has to be done has to be done.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So at that point in your life, what were your relationships like?

Speaker 1:

So in this particular picture, I guess school had ended—or yeah, something like that. So I was
in that kind of mode, like okay, school is ending. And by the end of my school life, there
were 4 or 5 people who were really close to me. And I thought, “Okay, with these 4 or 5
friends, I will move forward in my life,” leaving behind all the other 40 or 50 people that
were just school acquaintances. So yeah, friend-wise, 4 or 5 close friends—max 4, I guess.

So I was moving on with those friends in this phase. And yeah, I think… okay, with my
family—of course, before this event, I was a bit distant, as all teenagers are, because you’re
exploring your own life. But after that, I actually got a lot more involved with my family than
ever before.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so anything specific that you learned about yourself during this time that surprised
you?

Speaker 1:

I think for the last few years, I had an idea that I was living in survival mode. As I told you,
the last few years were already extremely stressful for me due to the career thing. That stress
 63

was still there, but after getting admission into college—my dad was there when I got into
college—so for some period of time, that stress actually vanished.

This particular photo, where you see me going out for an ice cream—this is the time when
I’m out of school. I have taken admission into college. And even though offline college
hadn’t begun, I was just having a blast. My nervous system was relaxed. Nothing bad was
happening—only good things.

But then again, when this incident happened, things completely changed, I think. It was very
traumatic.

Speaker 2:

So if you could go back in time and talk to your past self, what would you say?

Speaker 1:

I think in this particular picture, I would tell myself to just spend as much time as possible
with your parents. Because when you’re in your late teens, you’re more into your friends and
your studies. And okay, I had just gotten admission into college, and you’re trying to make
new friends online in college and everything. So I would just suggest: spend more time.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So if I ask you to draw a comparison between the Priyanka of the previous phase and
the Priyanka in this phase, what would you say are the major differences?

Speaker 1:

I think I was more self-centered—which I should have been. I mean, I had no reason not to
be. Why would I worry about anybody else? My parents were there to look after everything,
and themselves, and everything around.

So yeah, I think the difference is that earlier, my focus was only me—and my biggest
problem was only me. And later on, my focus was not just me. I think it was less on me and
more on my family and the people around me. I became more responsible, more selfless, and
just started doing what needed to be done.

Speaker 2:
 64

Okay. Do you have anything else you want to share about this phase, or shall we move
ahead?

Speaker 1:

I think we can move on.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So next picture then.

Speaker 1:

Alright. So in the next picture, you can see this is me in college.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so this is after COVID, right?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, this is after COVID.

Speaker 1:

So look at the dedication that this girl has in this picture. You can see there is no electricity in
the office. I am sitting in the pantry and doing the work and smiling like anything. And look
at that—how happy I am. This is the same… see? So I was really, really happy in these four
months. I was working, I was loving my work, I was loving the environment. The people
were good, everything was good. Of course, initially I was extremely anxious because during
COVID, everybody was inside for like one or two years, right? We had no interaction with
the outside world as such.

Speaker 2:

Such?

Speaker 1:

No, no. Then we went to college and we got a taste of the outside world.
 65

But right after graduation, when I was unemployed—sorry—when I was employed but
working from home, and then unemployed for like six to eight months, I was at home only.
Even though I was… so again, socially, I had to relearn how to carry yourself professionally
and that there’s no need to be anxious around people. I was initially extremely anxious in the
office, but then later on I got the grasp of things. Look at how happy I am.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so during this phase, what were your dreams, hopes, and aspirations like?

Speaker 1:

I think I thought that, “God, I have, you know, got this such a great opportunity.” I think I’m
capable of doing anything I want or anything I, you know, put my head to. So I thought, “I
got this. I’ll probably get admission into a good college later on after that year.” That’s what I
thought at that point.

So again, this particular experience filled me with confidence like anything. A lot of happy
hormones, I would say, in these four months that made me so daring—you know—that I
could do anything in the world.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so what was a typical day like in this phase for you?

Speaker 1:

Okay, so it was physically very straining because the office was far away. I would have to,
you know, make a commute of more than an hour, I think, every day to go to the office. And
then, in office also—like—the office was really, really comfortable and everything was good
in the office. But again, the commute was very, very straining. In the morning, you wake up,
you get dressed, you glam up, and then you go to the office.

Even though you’re an intern, you want to look like the boss. And then you go, and they give
you some random work, and sometimes you don’t like the work, but you just do it because
you’re just happy to be in that place. And yeah, enjoy. And there were also other interns who
I made friends with—some really great girls I met in the office itself, as you know, myself.
 66

So the day—you know—in the evening you leave the office after having, you know, being
satisfied that, “Okay, today I have done some work.” And then after a long commute, you get
tired, you come back home, eat your food and you sleep. And it was a really satisfactory time
because a sense of achievement was there.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so what were your relationships like during this phase?

Speaker 1:

I think I was really close to my college friends because, you know, I had cultivated great
relationships in college. And even though we had graduated, we were really close with each
other. There were also some friends from school. Of course, I think I had—with one friend
specifically—who needs to be given a shoutout. Of course, my best friend had been by my
side from childhood. So yeah, my friends were really close to me.

Again, I would say the extra responsibilities that had come to me in the last few years, in the
last 22 years—I started getting used to these things. I had solved a lot of problems. I had
developed systems, you know, as to how to deal with things. You learn, right? So yeah, I
figured out a lot of things.

So automatically, when you figure out things, stress reduces, and your career is also in your
hands. You think you can do anything you want.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so if you could go back in time and talk to your past self—so what would you tell the
past Priyanka at this phase?

Speaker 1:

I would tell her, “Do not leave the office just because you think you can. Do not do that. That
is the stupid thing.” That’s what I would tell her. And I would just say, “Take care of your
body, take care of your mind.” And yeah, that’s what I would say—just upskill and don’t
overthink.

Speaker 2:
 67

Okay. Is there anything…

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Okay. Is there anything else that you want to share about this phase or should we move
ahead?

Speaker 1:

We can move ahead.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

Yes, so this is the last picture I have with me. And this is with my friend—an old school
friend, actually—and clicked by the best friend, actually—the one who I was talking about.
So yeah, this picture is taken—I mean, it would be shocking to you because I look so happy
in this—but this was a few months after a very traumatic period in my life. Traumatic in the
sense that the reason why I left my internship—which I was really happy with—I left it
because I wanted to sit for this exam like a stupid discipline. Then I did not make it through
the exam. Then some really traumatic things happened to me.

And then, I think that was a very dark phase because—for the first time in my life—as I’ve
told you, I think about my disability in childhood also: one or two times I had been bullied,
and it was never severe. It never came to my self-esteem, never disturbed me mentally. It was
just something like a matter of fact, like “Okay, this is this.” But this time, when you’re a
22-year-old, your own family puts the same thing into your face—something that was
invisible to you, you know? Then lots of unkind things were said by my extended family to
me and for a very unnecessary matter, actually.

So I think direct attacks—when people directly say bad things to you—that impact your
self-esteem and your mental well-being. Those kinds of things actually happened. And it took
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a few months, wherein at first I was in shock. Then I was really sad. Then I became really
angry. Then came the phase where I became very extremely numb. I could not feel anything
at all. And then, when this picture is clicked, I think that was the time when I slowly started
overcoming that. And I’m still on the way to overcome, okay.

Speaker 2:

So during this phase, as you have mentioned some challenges, were there any specific
changes?

Speaker 1:

Were there any sense of changes? I think, yeah, changes were there—as in…

Speaker 2:

Changes that affected you and, yeah, challenged you?

Speaker 1:

Sure.

So, as I told you, this particular instance—which attacked my self-esteem, my own self-worth
in my own eyes—you know, feeling insulted, actually feeling less—that’s the first time in my
life that had happened. And it was over something where my family was undermining my
career, my personal choices. Not only—I would not say career—my personal choice. Just
because they think something else is right, and if I’m not listening, then I am… I’m the bad
guy.

Anyways, the change that happened in me was that I realized that, “Dude, if you do not use
your own brain, if you do not use your own willpower, anybody can push you into a pit, and
then nobody will come to rescue.”

You have to rescue your own self. Of course, I would definitely say there were friends, there
were adults—not adults plural—an adult and my friends who were by my side in this also.
And it was because of them that, you know, instead of being sad about it and crying about it, I
realized that I had to be angry about it, that I had to fight back for my own self. That is the
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type of change that came, and it was very disheartening that it happened. I was extremely
hurt, and I’m still hurt about it.

Yeah, also, to give you a little bit of context—the chronic illness that I was telling you about
earlier—it had been going on in all these years, but it was manageable. But right after this
particular phase, for example, if this happened in November and December, in January, the
severity of that increased like anything. And now that I look back at it, I realize that that
could have been because of the extreme trauma that was inflicted on me.

Speaker 2:

Because?

Speaker 1:

The severity was not that bad before this.

Speaker 2:

So any happy highlights from this phase? Any happy times that you cherish from this phase
specifically?

Speaker 1:

This particular picture only is, you know, testament to the happy times—very few happy
times during that particular phase, I would say. But of course, happy times? Not so much. I
think it was probably numbness. Neither happened.

Speaker 2:

Okay, anything new that you learned about yourself during this phase?

Speaker 1:

That I need to… I think I learned that I need to… you are the only one who can save your
own self.

Speaker 2:
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Okay. So now I have some closure questions. Basically, these are cumulative questions about
all the phases of your life. So shall we proceed?

Speaker 1:

Sure.

Speaker 2:

So looking back—looking back at all these pictures—how do you feel about the journey you
have taken so far?

Speaker 1:

I think I feel that as a person, I am… I have evolved. I adapt. And I think when I look back at
it, I have for a very long time stayed in survival mode, and I think I’m still in survival mode.
But I don’t know how to come out of it. But I would also say that as a person, I’ve shown
resilience. There have been challenges wherein I thought that I could never overcome them,
but I did. I would also consider myself really lucky because not everybody is as privileged as
I am. Not everybody has such great people around them. Not everybody is blessed with the
kind of emotional support, financial support, and physical support. So yeah, I think I feel that
I’m lucky, I’m resilient, and yeah, I think my time will come.

Speaker 2:

Someday.

Okay, so are there any patterns or changes that you noticed in yourself as you moved through
these phases?

Speaker 1:

I would say I’ve always been very, very determined and sensitive since the beginning. But
during—like after my school years ended, professionally, or during that time only—a lot, due
to a lot of confusion… and I don’t know what I… there was a lot of confusion regarding the
career thing. That is another thing altogether. I don’t know how it impacted me or if it did not
impact me. But of course, I still—I’m yet to figure out if the steps that I took in the past were
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right or not. And even if they were not right, I have to make that right. So… the question,
Chitra, was—I forgot?

Speaker 2:

The question was: are there any patterns or changes you notice in yourself as you move
through these phases?

Speaker 1:

I think one pattern that I observed in the last decade, at least, could be that the survival mode
is not a good thing for me. But I cannot come out of it for some reason—because… not for
some reason—because I don’t know how to. And that is actually harming me. And that, you
know, when bad situations happen or when there is nobody else, I tend to step up—not
because someone tells me to, but because I know that I have to.

I think I realize that I work when pressure comes onto me. That’s when I realize that, you
know, I have to step up. But in general also, I think procrastination has been a great problem
for me. And in the last few years, I have lost that sharpness of brain that I had earlier. The
sharpness has gone—even the sincerity has gone. I have become a different person now,
which I don’t know if I like a lot—but that is what happened.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so what parts of yourself have remained constant, and what parts have evolved,
according to you, during these phases? What was constant?

Speaker 1:

Constant? Yeah, I think self-awareness has been a constant through. I think in all the phases, I
was—at least according to me—pretty self-aware.

What were the wrong patterns of thinking? What were the right patterns of thinking? I don’t
know. Awareness is… awareness is actually not enough until you, you know, take action
about it. If you point out something that you’re doing wrong, but if you can’t do anything
about it to improve it, then that is of no use, right? Sometimes people are not even aware. So I
believe awareness is the first step.
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I would not say that I do not take any actions. If I am aware about something, I take… but not
as much as I would want.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so is there anything that surprised you as you revisited these memories? Was there
anything that surprised you or that you realized about yourself during this interview?

Speaker 1:

I think I should be given an award! No, no—I’m kidding, I’m just kidding. No, that is a very
shallow thing to say—that I should be given an award. No, no, no. I think I realize that I have
had phases—a set of challenges—that a lot of people do not face. And I have overcome them.
And I should not regress—is what I’ve realized—that after all of this, after so much, how can
I regress?

Speaker 2:

Okay. So, okay, anything else that surprised you?

Speaker 1:

That… I think what is really surprising to me is that it is really hard to make me bitter.

Really bitter things happen around me. For some period of time, you know, I do get affected.
But in the long run, nothing has been able to make me bitter as such. And this is something
that a very, very kind—a very great—professor that I had in college actually told me during
our farewell. That: “Priyanka, do not let the world’s bitterness get to you.” And that is
something that still surprises me—that I feel that it is getting to me, and for some time, it
does get to me. But eventually—at least till now—I get out of that. And I don’t let the
bitterness get to me.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so is there a message or takeaway you’d like someone listening to your story to
understand?

Speaker 1:
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The message? Oh good, a message from the story—there could be many messages. But a
major one would be that only you can help yourself. Number one: you have to use your own
system. And until and unless you are doing what you want—like—let me rephrase this.

The message that anybody could take away from this could be that in life, resilience is very
important. Your own self-wisdom is very important. Keeping your self-worth intact—no
matter what the world is saying to you. Basically: not letting the world’s bitterness get to you.
Not letting the darkness around you dim your own light. That is the message.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So is there anything that you would like to add or reflect before we end this interview?
Anything that we didn’t cover today?

Speaker 1:

Pretty much a lot of things have been covered.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So thank you so much for your time, and your wisdom that you shared, and the great
message that you shared just now. So yeah—thank you.
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