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ASSERTIVENESS AND RELAXATION TECHNIQUES

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 CHAPTER – 8

ASSERTIVENESS AND RELAXATION TECHNIQUES

Topics Covered
Assertiveness
Assertive Behavior
Recognizing Response Styles
How Can Be More Assertive
Assertive Communication Techniques
Relaxation Techniques
Benefits of Relaxation Techniques
Types of Relaxation Techniques
Learn to Relax
Relaxation Exercises
Guided Imagery
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Deep Breathing
Relaxation Music
248 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

ASSERTIVENESS
People respond to stress in different ways, namely, by becoming overwhelmed,
depressed or both. Assertiveness training and relaxation techniques tend to calm
people who are overwhelmed by stress, while rhythmic exercise improves the
psychological and physical health of those who are depressed. People who encounter
both symptoms simultaneously, feeling depressed in some ways and overexcited in
others, may do best by walking or performing assertiveness training and relaxation
techniques that are focused on strength.
Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the
rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is
self enhancing and expressive. Acting assertively enhances self confidence. You are
behaving assertively when you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct,
honest ways that do not violate another person’s integrity. You are behaving
aggressively when you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in ways that
humiliate, degrade, belittle, or overpower the other person. You are behaving non-
assertively when you fail to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs or express
them in such an apologetic, diffident, or self-effacing way that others can easily
disregard them.
The purpose of assertiveness training is to teach persons appropriate strategies for
identifying and acting on their desires, needs, and opinions while remaining respectful
of others. This form of training is tailored to the needs of specific participants and the
situations they find particularly challenging. Assertiveness training is a broad
approach that can be applied to many different personal, academic, health care, and
work situations.
A person who is assertive might be described as someone who -
 Expresses their views clearly and articulately without being aggressive.
 Stands up for their own and other people’s rights in a reasonable and clear way.
 Allows other people a reasonable opportunity to express their opinions without
allowing them to dominate a conversation.
 Has the courage to express their own feelings, even about difficult issues, in a way
which is respectful and honest.
Assertiveness Training Benefits: There are many potential benefits to training
yourself to be assertive. If you can become more assertive it is likely to lead you to -
 Feel better about yourself.
 Feel more confident.
Essentials of Counseling 249

 Feel more relaxed.

 Have a greater awareness of your own needs and how to meet them.
 Be able to create personal and professional goals instead of putting other people’s
needs or wishes first.
 Be able to work effectively in partnership with others.
 Participate in honest, constructive relationships where you and others can develop
understanding and respect and solve problems together.
Problems with Assertiveness: Problems with assertiveness usually fall into two
contrasting types -
 Passive behavior - where you have a tendency to want to avoid conflict or you feel
that you shouldn’t express your own feelings or thoughts, with the result that you
go along with what others say or ask, without paying attention to your own needs.
 Aggressive behavior - where you have a tendency to dominate conversations or to
ignore other people’s views and seek to control what others do by dictating to
them or telling them what they must or should do.
Sometimes it is possible to swing from one type of behavior to the other - particularly
if you have a general tendency to be too passive. This can lead to a build-up of
frustration and anger which can eventually come out in an aggressive way.

Assertive Behavior
Communication Skills Elaborated Opinion Statements
 Begin with a personal pronoun - I think..., My opinion is...
 Use compound sentences with connecting phrases such as - because, therefore,
and but...
 You do not need to have an original argument in order to express your opinion.
 You may agree or disagree with what others say.

Breaking into an Ongoing Conversation

 Listen actively.
 Wait for a natural pause in the conversation.
 State an opinion or ask a question.

Saying ‘No’ to Unfair Requests and Demands

 Be sure where you stand first.
 Ask for clarification.
 Be as brief as possible - avoid long elaborate explanations and justifications.
 Actually use the word ‘No’ when declining as opposed to “I just don’t think so...”
 Make sure your nonverbal gestures mirror your verbal messages.
250 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

 Use the words - “I won’t” or “I’ve decided not to”, rather than “I can’t” or “I
shouldn’t”. This emphasizes a choice has been made.
 You may have to decline several times before the person ‘hears’ you.
 You may want to acknowledge any feelings another has about your refusal;
however, you should avoid saying “I’m sorry”.
 Avoid feeling guilty.
 Compromise is always welcome.
Asserting Your Interpersonal Rights
Each one of us has the right to…
 Say no to a request.
 Not give other people reasons for every action we take.
 Stop others from making excessive demand on us.
 Ask other people to listen to our point of view when we speak to them.
 Ask other people to correct errors they made which affect us.
 Change our minds.
 Ask other people to compromise rather than get only what they want.
 Ask other people to do things for us.
 Persist in making a request if people won’t respond the first time.
 Be alone if we wish.
 Maintain our dignity in relationships.
 Evaluate our own behaviors and not just listen to evaluations that others offer.
 Make mistakes and accept responsibility for them.
 Avoid manipulation by other people.
 Pick our own friends without consulting our parents, peers, or partners.
 Let other people know how we are feeling.
Saying ‘No’ without Feeling Guilty
4 ways to say ‘No’ in an assertive fashion -
 Simply say ‘No’ or “I don’t want to do it”.

 Repeat your statement until the other party accepts it.

 If someone asks for a reason, give one only if you feel you have information that

the other party obviously needs or could benefit form.

 Do not give a reason if you think the information is unlikely to help the other

party or will simply allow them to present a number of counter-arguments.

Essentials of Counseling 251

Recognizing Response Styles

Emotion: Emotion keys are -
1. Non-assertive Emotional Keys: The person tends to internalize feelings and
tensions. Tends to experience such emotions as fear, anxiety, guilt, depression,
fatigue, or nervousness. Feelings are not verbally expressed.
2. Assertive Emotional Keys: The person responding assertively is aware of and
deals with feelings as they occur. Neither denying the right to the emotion nor
using it to deny another person’s rights. Tension is kept within a normal
constructive range.
3. Aggressive Emotional Keys: Tension is turned outward and anger is the
responding emotion. Feelings are typically expressed loudly or explosively.
Nonverbal Behavior: Nonverbal keys are -
Non-Assertive Assertive Aggressive
 Down cast eyes  Good eye contact  Glaring eyes
 Shifting of weight  Stands comfortably but  Leaning forward or
 A slumped body firmly on two feet with pointing a finger
 The wringing of hands his/her hands loosely at  A raised,
 A whining, hesitant or their sides snickering, or
giggly tone of voice.  Talks in a strong, steady haughty tone of
tone of voice. voice.
Verbal Language: Verbal words are -
Non-assertive Assertive Aggressive
 Maybe  I think  You’d better
 I guess  I feel  If you don’t watch
 I wonder if you could  I want out
 Would you mind very much  Let’s  Come on you
 I can’t  How can we resolve must be kidding
 Don’t you think this  Should.
 It’s not really important  What do you think
 Don’t bother.  What do you see.

How Can Be More Assertive

Some people are naturally more assertive than others. If your disposition tends more
towards being either passive or aggressive, you need to work on the following skills
to develop your assertiveness.
252 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

Value yourself and your rights -

 Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires are just as
important as everyone else’s.
 But remember they are not more important than anyone else’s, either.
 Recognize your rights and protect them.
 Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times.
 Stop apologizing for everything.

Identify your needs and wants, and ask for them to be satisfied -
 Don’t wait for someone to recognize what you need (you might wait forever!).
 Understand that to perform to your full potential, your needs must be met.
 Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others’ needs in the
process.
Acknowledge that people are responsible for their own behavior -
 Don’t make the mistake of accepting responsibility for the how people react to
your assertive statements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can only control yourself.
 As long as you are not violating someone else’s needs, then you have the right to

say or do what you want.

Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner -
 Allow you to be angry, but always be respectful.
 Do say what’s on your mind, but do it in a way that protects the other person’s
feelings.
 Control your emotions.
 Stand up for yourself and confront people who challenge you and/or your
rights.
Receive criticism and compliments positively -
 Accept compliments graciously.
 Allow you to make mistakes and ask for help.
 Accept feedback positively - be prepared to say you don’t agree but do not get
defensive or angry.
Learn to say “No” when you need to (This is the granddaddy of assertiveness!) -
 Know your limits and what will cause you to feel taken advantage of.

 Know that you can’t do everything or please everyone and learn to be ‘OK’ with

that.
 Go with what is right for you.

 Suggest an alternative for a win-win solution.

Essentials of Counseling 253

Assertive Communication Techniques

There are a variety of ways to communicate assertively. By understanding how to be
assertive, you can quickly adapt these techniques to any situation you are facing.
I statements: Use “I want”, “I need”, or “I feel” to convey basic assertions. I feel
strongly that we need to bring in a third party to mediate this disagreement.
Empathic Assertion: First, recognize how the other person views the situation -
I understand you are having trouble working with Mitul. Then, express what you
need- ...however, this project needs to be completed by Friday. Let’s all sit down and
come up with a plan to get it done.
Escalating Assertion: This type of assertiveness is necessary when your first
attempts are not successful in getting your needs met. The technique involves getting
more and more firm as time goes on. Nasir, this is the third time this week I’ve had to
speak to you about arriving late. If you are late one more time this month, I will
activate the disciplinary process.
Ask For More Time: Sometimes, you just need to put off saying anything. You
might be too emotional or you might really not know what you want. Be honest and
tell the person you need a few minutes to compose your thoughts. Jack, your request
has caught me off guard. I’ll get back to you within the half hour.
Change Your Verbs: Use your words are -
 Use “won’t” instead of “can’t”
 Use “want” instead of “need”
 Use “choose to” instead of “have to”
 Use “could” instead of “should”.

Broken Record: Prepare ahead of time the message you want to convey - I cannot
take on any more projects right now. During the conversation, keep restating your
message using the same language over and over again. Don’t relent. Eventually the
person is likely to realize that you really mean what you are saying. I would like you
to work on the Aziz project. I cannot take on any more projects right now. I’ll pay
extra for you accommodating me. I cannot take on any more projects right now.
Seriously, this is really important; my boss insists this gets done. I cannot take on any
more projects right now. Will you do it as a personal favor? I’m sorry, I value our
past relationship but I simply cannot take on any more projects right now.
[Tip: Be careful with the broken record technique. If you use it to protect yourself from exploitation,
that’s good. However if you use it to bully someone into taking action that’s against their interests, it’s
manipulative, dishonest and bad.]
254 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

Scripting: This technique involves preparing your responses using a four-pronged

approach that describes -
1. The event: Tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem.
Jack, the production costs this month are 23% higher than average. You didn’t
give me any indication of this, which meant that I was completely surprised by the
news.
2. Your feelings: Describe how you feel about express your emotions clearly. This
frustrates me and makes me feel like you don’t understand or appreciate how
important financial controls are in the company.
3. Your needs: Tell the other person what you need so they don’t have to guess. I
need you to be honest with me and let me know when we start going significantly
over budget on anything.
4. The consequences: Describe the positive outcome if your needs are fulfilled. I’m
here to help you and support you in any way I can. If you trust me, then together
we can turn this around. Once you are clear about what you want to say and
express, it is much easier to actually do it.
Being assertive means knowing where the fine line is between assertion and
aggression and balancing on it. It means having a strong sense of yourself and
acknowledging that you deserve to get what you want. And it means standing up for
you even in the most difficult situations. Assertiveness can be learned and developed,
and although it won’t happen overnight, by practicing the techniques presented here
you will slowly become more confident in expressing your needs and wants. As your
assertiveness improves, so will your productivity and efficiency. Start today and begin
to see how being assertive allows you to work with people to accomplish tasks, solve
problems, and reach solutions.
The seven keys to developing greater confidence in your ability to be assertive
include -
 Key - 1: Understand assertive, aggressive, and accommodating behavior.
 Key - 2: Know your rights - so you recognize when to stand up for them.
 Key - 3: Nurture self-esteem and feel that you deserve to be treated with
respect.
 Key - 4: How to challenge pessimistic thinking & refute fears that hold you
back.
 Key - 5: Resolve to no longer put up with ‘stuff’ that you tolerated in the past.
 Key - 6: How to assertively deal with conflict.
 Key - 7: Learn how to say no assertively.
Essentials of Counseling 255

Here are some tips for practicing being assertive -

 State your point of view or request clearly.
 Tell the other person how you feel as honestly as you can, and remember to listen
to what they say as well.
 Tone and volume of voice - how you say it is as important as what you say. Speak
at a normal conversation volume, rather than a shout or whisper, and make sure
that you sound firm but not aggressive.
 Make sure your body language matches. Your listener will get mixed messages if
you are speaking firmly while looking at the floor. Try to look the other person in
the eye, stand tall, and relax your face.
 Try to avoid exaggerating with words like always and never. For example - You
are 20 minutes late and it is the third time this week, rather than - You are always
late!
 Try to speak with facts rather than judgments. For example - This report has
important information missing, rather than - you have done a bad job again.
 Use “I Statements” as much as possible, to tell the other person how you feel
rather than be accusing. For example - When you leave your dishes on the table, I
feel frustrated because I don’t like the mess but don’t want to clean it up for you,
rather than - You’re such a pig!
 Practice often - assertiveness is a skill which requires you to practice in
many different situations. And don’t forget to praise yourself for your good
efforts.

RELAXATION TECHNIQUES
A relaxation technique (also known as relaxation training) is any method, process,
procedure, or activity that helps a person to relax; to attain a state of increased
calmness; or otherwise reduce levels of pain, anxiety, stress or anger. Relaxation
techniques are often employed as one element of a wider stress management program
and can decrease muscle tension, lower the blood pressure and slow heart and breathe
rates, among other health benefits. Relaxation techniques are helpful tools for coping
with stress and promoting long-term health by slowing down the body and quieting
the mind. In fact, more than 3,000 studies show the beneficial effects of relaxation on
health and wellbeing. Such techniques generally entail - refocusing attention (e.g.,
noticing areas of tension), increasing body awareness and exercises (such as
meditation) to connect the body and mind together.
256 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

People use relaxation techniques for the following reasons, among others -
 Anger management  High blood pressure  Pain management
 Anxiety attacks  Preparation for  Headache
 Cardiac health hypnosis  Stress management
 Childbirth  Immune system  Addiction treatment
 Depression support  Nightmare disorder
 General well-being  Insomnia
Relaxation techniques are a great way to help with stress management. Relaxation
isn’t just about peace of mind or enjoying a hobby. Relaxation is a process that
decreases the effects of stress on your mind and body. Relaxation techniques can help
you cope with everyday stress and with stress related to various health problems, such
as cancer and pain.

Benefits of Relaxation Techniques

When faced with numerous responsibilities and tasks or the demands of an illness,
relaxation techniques may take a back seat in your life. But that means you might
miss out on the health benefits of relaxation. Practicing relaxation techniques can
reduce stress symptoms by -
 Slowing your heart rate
 Lowering blood pressure
 Slowing your breathing rate
 Increasing blood flow to major muscles
 Reducing muscle tension and chronic pain
 Improving concentration
 Reducing anger and frustration
 Boosting confidence to handle problems.
To get the most benefit, use relaxation techniques along with other positive coping
methods, such as thinking positively, finding humor, problem-solving, managing
time, exercising, getting enough sleep, and reaching out to supportive family &
friends.
Research suggests that relaxation techniques (such as meditation) can help improve a
person’s quality of life and reduce stress hormone levels. Clinical studies also show
that relaxation techniques reduce the perception of pain. One clinical study found that
among patients undergoing colorectal surgery, those who listened to guided imagery
tapes before, during, and after the operation had less pain and needed fewer pain
medications than those who did not. Another found that relaxation practices, such as
Essentials of Counseling 257

deep breathing, progressive relaxation, and visualization enhanced the immune

response among breast cancer patients. In general, studies show that with consistent
practice, relaxation techniques can potentially reduce symptoms or improve outcomes
in the following conditions - Stress; Premenstrual syndrome; Pain; Irritable bowel
syndrome; Anxiety; Infertility; High blood pressure; High cholesterol; Diabetes;
Panic disorders; Chronic tension headaches; Fibromyalgia; Insomnia; Psoriasis;
Arthritis; Hyperactivity in children, as in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
(ADHD); and also labor & child birth. It is extremely important that usual medical
care and advice be followed for these conditions as well. Relaxation techniques are
meant to complement usual medical care.

Types of Relaxation Techniques

Health professionals such as complementary and alternative medicine practitioners,
doctors, and psychotherapists can teach various relaxation techniques. But if you
prefer, you can also learn some relaxation techniques on your own. In general,
relaxation techniques involve refocusing your attention on something calming and
increasing awareness of your body. It doesn’t matter which relaxation technique you
choose. What matters is that you try to practice relaxation regularly to reap its
benefits. Here are some effective relaxation techniques that will bring about a much-
needed balancing factor to a busy modern lifestyle.
Autogenic Relaxation: Autogenic means something that comes from within you. In
this relaxation technique, you use both visual imagery and body awareness to reduce
stress. You repeat words or suggestions in your mind to relax and reduce muscle
tension. You may imagine a peaceful setting and then focus on controlled, relaxing
breathing, slowing heart rate, or feeling different physical sensations, such as relaxing
each arm or leg one by one.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: In this relaxation technique, you focus on slowly
tensing and then relaxing each muscle group. This helps you focus on the difference
between muscle tension and relaxation. You become more aware of physical
sensations. One method of progressive muscle relaxation is to start by tensing and
relaxing the muscles in your toes and progressively working your way up to your
neck and head. You can also start with your head and neck and work down to your
toes. Tense your muscles for at least five seconds and then relax for 30 seconds, and
repeat.
Visualization: In this relaxation technique, you form mental images to take a visual
journey to a peaceful, calming place or situation. During visualization, try to use as
258 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

many senses as you can, including smell, sight, sound and touch. If you imagine
relaxing at the ocean, for instance, think about the smell of salt water, the sound of
crashing waves and the warmth of the sun on your body. You may want to close your
eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing. Try visualizing a peaceful scene
away from your current tensions. The idea is to take your mind off the current worry
and transport yourself and your mood to somewhere relaxing and calm. The more
detail you imagine the calmer you’ll get. Picture yourself in a place where you feel
happy and relaxed, and make that visualization very real in your mind. The more
realistic, the more relaxed you’ll feel.
Meditation: It’s basically awareness; listening to your own breathing, looking at a
view, or it can be whatever you like as long as you clear your mind of other thoughts
and cares. You may find it helpful to repeat a mantra at the same time to make focus
easier. The two most popular forms of meditation are ‘Transcendental Meditation’
(clients repeat a mantra, a single word or phrase) and ‘Mindfulness Meditation’
(clients focus their attention on their thoughts and sensations). 15-30 minutes of ‘me
time’ puts your worries on hold and gives you a chance to reboot your system.
Deep Breathing: Notice how your breathing is when you’re stressed - shallow and
rapid. By focusing on your breathing you can relax very quickly. Let out a big sigh,
imagining tension leaving your body and then become very aware of the experience
of breathing. Become aware of how the air moves into your nose; how your lungs and
abdomen expand; the pause between inhale and exhale; the exhale and the relaxation
that comes with the exhale; the pause between exhale and inhale… and so on. Just a
few minutes of listening to your breath will relax you tremendously. You’ll notice a
huge decrease in your respiratory rate; at the same time, your breathing will become
very deep and relaxed. In breathing techniques, you place one hand on your chest and
the other on your belly. Take a slow, deep breath, sucking in as much air as you can.
As are doing this, belly should push against your hand. Hold your breath and then
slowly exhale.
Mindfulness: Be mindful. In other words - Be, Here, Now. Whatever you’re doing,
give it your full attention, just like with the breathing exercise. Forget multi-tasking.
Focus on doing one thing and doing it exceptionally well. Be thorough, deliberate,
unhurried and aware of every nuance of what you are doing. Instant relaxation!
Another phrase for this is ‘stop and smell the roses’ - you’ve heard that one. It’s all
about mindfulness!
Listen to Music: Music has the power to transform your mood. If you feel the
tensions rising, stick on a little classical music to transport you to a higher plane or
Essentials of Counseling 259

plug into your favorite song to transport you to good times and happy memories.
Listening to soothing music can lower blood pressure, heart rate and anxiety. If you
want to let off steam and get rid of pent up anger, stick on some rock or pop really
loudly and belt out the song at the top of your voice. Avoid anything upbeat or with a
fast tempo that gets your heart beating faster. Slow tempo and simple melodies are
best for relaxation.
Exercise: Exercise is well known as a stress buster. When we do it our bodies release
feel good hormones which make us calmer. Exercise also uses up some of the
hormones that the body makes when it’s stressed. It’s amazing how more centered
and relaxed we feel after a short run or a workout. It also boosts our self esteem which
makes us feel happier. Exercise Your Body - It is a well-known fact that exercise, in
whatever form, is useful for stress relief and for aiding relaxation. Go for a walk or
swim, run up and down the stairs, put some music on and dance, punch the air around
you - find some form of appropriate exercise. Exercise Your Mind - Stress can be
caused by boredom or under-stimulation of your mind. Learn a new skill, take up a
new hobby, join a local group or society, play chess - find something to do that
stimulates your mind.
Yoga: Yoga can be a quick route to relaxation. You don’t have to do a full blown
hour long workout to appreciate some of the benefits. Try lying on your back with
legs bent, feet flat on the floor. Bring your hands to your abdomen and simply watch
the breath come and go. Allow the belly to relax so that it can gently rise on the inhale
and dip on the exhale. Let the shoulders be soft and heavy against the floor. Even 5
minutes doing this can help. If you already practice yoga, try some gentle backbends
such as ‘Shoulder Bridge’. Backbends decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
Have a Cup of Hot Tea/ Have a Cuppa: Jasmine/ Green/ Camomile tea is the
traditional favorite for calming the mind but even normal tea may help us fight stress.
Camomile is the traditional soothing tea; but try green tea, mint tea or any fragrant
herbal tea that engages your senses. Tea actually helps decrease the levels of cortisol
(a stress hormone). Even black (caffeinated) tea is fine.
Go Outside: If you are feeling frazzled at work or at home, one quick way to relax is
to head outdoors. You get a fresh perspective on the problem and breathe in fresh air.
Think Positive: Sounds silly, but it works. You can change your attitude and feel the
stress leave your body in just minutes. Choose to see the benefit in a situation and
overlook the negatives. This will take practice but here’s the deal - you choose your
attitude anyway, so why not choose one that’s happy and relaxed? A happy, positive
attitude is more relaxing than a tense, negative attitude.
260 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Try not to worry so much. Although this is very often
easier said than done, sometimes it is possible to distract your mind from unnecessary
worry by taking part in some other engaging activity to keep your mind busy.
Furthermore, the simple act of smiling can help lift your mood, release tension and
ease difficult situations. Do something that will make you laugh, talk to a funny
friend, watch a comedy or read an amusing story. You may not feel totally happy but
by smiling and laughing you will naturally release tensions and feel more relaxed.
Laughing is a powerful stress-reliever.
Pick Your Own Way to Relax: Different activities work for different people. Some
people may find reading a book or magazine for 10 minutes a good way to relax.
Others may find a therapeutic value in gardening or even cleaning! Spending just a
quarter of an hour doing something you enjoy can make all the difference. You could
have even sex, watch your favorite comedy show, walk the dog or stroke the cat - all
relaxing activities to take the sting out of tension.
We all get stresses in life, so it pays to have a few quick tricks up your sleeve to deal
with them.
 Have Achievable and Realistic Expectations of Yourself: Everybody has strengths
and weaknesses, be aware of yours. Learn to utilize your strengths and accept
your weaknesses, don’t set yourself unrealistic goals.
 Don’t Live in the Past: Learning from past mistakes is important. Holding onto
past mistakes and letting them dominate the present is stressful. Live life in the
present, don’t dwell on the past.
 Learn to Say ‘No’: Don’t let people push you to exhaustion; you are no good to
anybody when you are over-stretched and you are likely to become resentful.
Learn to be assertive and say ‘no’ when you feel you do not have the capacity to
do something as well as you would like.
As you learn relaxation techniques, you’ll become more aware of muscle tension and
other physical sensations of stress. Once you know what the stress response feels like,
you can make a conscious effort to practice a relaxation technique the moment you
start to feel stress symptoms. This can prevent stress from spiraling out of control.
Remember that relaxation techniques are skills. As with any skill, your ability to relax
improves with practice. Be patient with yourself. Don’t let your effort to practice
relaxation techniques become yet another stressor. If one relaxation technique doesn’t
work for you, try another. If none of your efforts at stress reduction seems to work,
talk to your doctor about other options. Also, bear in mind that some people,
especially those with serious psychological issues and a history of abuse, may
Essentials of Counseling 261

experience feelings of emotional discomfort during some relaxation techniques.

Although this is rare, if you experience emotional discomfort during relaxation
techniques, stop what you’re doing and consider talking to your doctor or mental
health provider.

Learn to Relax
Basically, relaxation is a choice. There are certain physical things you can do to relax;
but ultimately, you must master your mind and “Let Go” of stressful thoughts by
being mindful (present and aware). Then, you can relax deeply and completely. The
following exercises are great ways to achieve quick relaxation. Try a number of them
to see which ones work best for you.
 Count your breaths. With eyes closed breathe normally, counting at each
exhalation up to a specific number. Concentrate on the air moving in and out. Go
back to ‘one’ if you lose count.
 Listen to your heartbeat. Choose a word and repeat it to yourself with your eyes
closed. Repeat the word for at least five minutes.
 Muscle tightening/relaxing. Concentrate on a particular muscle group in your
body. Tighten the muscle for a count of ten and then relax it slowly, noticing the
contrast between the tightness and the relaxation. Repeat a number of times. Try
the same procedure with other muscle groups.
 Mini-vacation. With eyes closed, visit a favorite peaceful spot in your
imagination. Notice the enjoyable sights, sounds, and sensations.
 Feel yourself relax. Pay attention to the interesting details of this location.
 For going to sleep I - Try to keep your eyes open as you watch a clock for five
minutes. If your eyes close, force yourself to open them.
 For going to sleep II - Close your eyes and think only about your breathing.
Invariably, other thoughts will try to invade your mind, but push them aside and
pay attention to your breathing.
 Pick an interesting sentence and write it out in longhand very slowly, making sure
that every letter looks just the way you want it to look.
 Imagine yourself floating above the place you are in and pay attention to the way
everything looks from up there.
 Rub your palms together vigorously and place them flat on a surface in front of
you. Let them rise slowly, very slowly, up about six inches and then fall very
slowly, as if they were pushing the air down, to touch the surface. Repeat.
These powerful relaxation techniques require that you lay down somewhere
comfortable and firm, like a rug or mat on the floor or a firm bed. Choose a warm -
262 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

but not hot - dark room if possible. This technique involves progressively contracting
and relaxing the main muscle groups around the body that store tension. If at any
point during this technique you feel pain or cramp then stop. This technique is widely
practiced but may take some time to master.
Step One: Make yourself comfortable, wear loose clothes and ensure that you will be
warm enough. Lie down on a firm surface and relax your muscles. Check that you are
really comfortable before moving on, if not use some pillows or cushions and adjust
your position.
Step Two: Relax and try to let your mind go blank, breathe slowly, deeply and
comfortably. Let your arms rest by your side, relax your knees and legs, and allow
your feet to fall outwards. Let your shoulders sink into the ground and feel the weight
of your body. Unclench your teeth, close your eyes and relax your face and neck.
Step Three: Start the exercise. Do not rush, take your time and concentrate on
relaxing. Work around the body one main muscle area at a time, whilst doing this
breathe deeply, calmly and evenly -
 Clench the muscles tightly and hold for a few seconds;
 Relax the muscles completely;
 Repeat steps 1 and 2;
 Feel a warming and numbing of the area worked.

Follow the steps above for -

 Left Foot - curl your toes  Left Calf  Left Thigh
and clench your foot  Right Calf  Right Thigh
 Right Foot  Stomach  Left Hand -
 Buttocks - clench tightly  Right Hand make a tight
 Left Arm  Face - yawn, pout and frown fist
 Shoulders - hunch up to clench the various  Right Arm
towards the ceiling muscles in your face
Step Four: Stay laying down and rest and relax for 10 or 15 minutes after you have
finished this exercise - when you do get up, do so slowly gently shaking your legs and
arms.
Alternatives: You can try the above technique in various other positions if necessary.
For example you can relax back into a chair and follow the same processes as above.
The success of this technique is based on quiet time, comfort and the ability to be able
to freely clench and relax your muscles. For a quicker alternative you can also try
clenching your whole body whilst standing. This may be more convenient at work or
in other, more public, places. Although the results are not quite as satisfying as the
Essentials of Counseling 263

main method it can help relieve tension. To do this -

 Stand up straight and tall and let your arms hang naturally;
 Breathe in slowly through your nose whilst tensing all your bodies muscles;
 Hunch your shoulders, make tight fists with your hands, tense your stomach and
clench your buttocks, push yourself up onto tiptoe;
 Hold and count slowly to five;
 Slowly breathe out through your nose while relaxing and return to your original
standing position;
 Repeat the above 3 to 5 times or as time and circumstances allow.

For many people, controlled and conscious relaxation is not part of their routine. It is
important to learn how to relax and take time to relax throughout your life. Conscious
relaxation can help to relieve stress and anxiety and also boost your energy - making
you more creative and more productive.

Relaxation Exercises
Stress is an undeniable and unavoidable part of life. Learning to deal with stress in
healthy and effective ways is important for all of us. The following stress
management relaxation exercises will help you to better manage stress in your life.
Relaxation Exercises: Precautions and Warnings
 Do not practice relaxation exercises while driving a car, motor vehicle or any
other machinery.
 If you have psychological, physical and/or emotional limitations then you should
consult your physician or medical provider before engaging in these relaxation
exercises.
Usually the following exercises are used for relaxation -
1. Guided Imagery
2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation
3. Deep Breathing
4. Relaxation Music.
GUIDED IMAGERY
Guided Imagery is a technique which utilizes visualization, i.e. creating mental
images and sensations, to enhance an individual’s natural ability to perform, change,
or cope in various life situations. Health benefits include reduction of worry and
anxiety, decrease in blood pressure, strengthening of the immune system, and
improved quality of sleep. Other benefits may include increased self-esteem and
optimism. Guided imagery gives you time to help clear your mind from daily worries
264 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

and focus on a relaxing place or theme.

 One thing to keep in mind is that it is okay to alter an image that may not be
suitable to you.
 As you listen to these guided imagery scripts, if another image comes to mind, go
with it. That is okay.
In this technique, the goal is to visualize yourself in a peaceful setting.
 Lie on your back with your eyes closed.
 Imagine yourself in a favorite, peaceful place. The place may be on a sunny beach
with the ocean breezes caressing you, swinging in a hammock in the mountains or
in your own backyard. Any place that you find peaceful and relaxing is OK.
 Imagine you are there. See and feel your surroundings, hear the peaceful sounds,
smell the flowers or the barbecue, fell the warmth of the sun and any other
sensations that you find. Relax and enjoy it.
 You can return to this place any night you need to. As you use this place more and
more you will find it easier to fall asleep as this imagery becomes a sleep
conditioner.
 Some patients find it useful to visualize something boring. This may be a
particularly boring teacher or lecturer, co-worker or friend.
You will need a comfortable location to sit down that is free of distractions. If you
would like, adjust the lighting of the space you are in to make it calm and relaxing.
Guided Imagery Exercises Are -
 Ocean Retreat
 Trip to the Beach
 The River.

OCEAN RETREAT: Let’s Begin. Take a deep, slow breath in through your nose and
out through your mouth. Keep breathing in and out, focusing on how your body feels
at this moment. Feel the pace of your heart and lungs becoming slower. With each
breath, breathe IN relaxation and breathe OUT tension and tiredness. Feel your body
sinking more and more into deep relaxation. Start by taking a few deep breaths...
slowly... and evenly...remembering to let your belly rise as you breathe in... and to let
it fall as you breathe out. Breathe in relaxation... and breathe out tension and
tiredness... Take another breath in... and let it out. Now, imagine yourself on a beach
in the early evening... The salty sea-breeze is still warm against your skin... but the
sun has just begun to retreat into the horizon...As you sit in the white sand... on the
edge of the surf... you can feel the cool water washing gentling over your toes... as the
waves roll in... and out...take a deep breath in...and let it out... (pause)...Allow your
Essentials of Counseling 265

limp body to sink into the sand while you look out over the deep blue waves into the
sky... you see the brilliant orange sun... dipping below rows of saffron and indigo
clouds to meet the horizon... the sun-set covered clouds drift in... and out...as their
shadows rest on the surface of the water.
(pause)...
Far off in the distance... you notice the mast of a sailboat... It gently glides across the
water... The peacefulness of the waves is calming & comforting... as your thoughts
float in and out... Allow your chest to rise... and fall... as you take a slow deep breath
in... and let it out. (pause)...Your body feels heavy... as you... close your eyes... and
soak in the last rays... of the golden summer sun... you fill your lungs with the crisp
ocean air... and let out a big sigh... relaxing into the moment... letting everything else
melt away... for a moment... completely content. (pause)...The imprints of your
thoughts... drift... drift in like the clouds... forming shapes across the sky... Floating
weightlessly... in the peacefulness of this moment... time passes... without measure.
As you slowly open your eyes… you return from this motionless state...feeling
relaxed and calm. You discover that the warm summer day has given way to a
beautiful moonlit evening... The clear night-sky... reveals bright clusters of stars as
the reflections glisten on the water...The tide has come in... and you feel the cool
water now, brushing against your legs... and see it stretching it’s way up the beach...
Taking in the serenity of this place... one last time... you rise to your feet... and move
slowly up the beach... allowing the steady pace of your steps... to carry you safely and
calmly... into the rest of your day... feeling refreshed and relaxed. Now, take a deep
breath in... and let it out... take another deep breath in... and let it out... Remember that
whenever you’re feeling tense... or need a break in your day... you can bring yourself
back to this beach... back to this moment... to recharge your mind and body. When
you are ready, open your eyes to discover the new, refreshed you.
TRIP TO THE BEACH: Let’s Begin. Take a deep, slow breath in through your nose
and out through your mouth. Keep breathing in and out, focusing on how your body
feels at this moment. Feel the pace of your heart and lungs becoming slower. With
each breath, breathe IN relaxation and breathe OUT tension and tiredness. Feel your
body sinking more and more into deep relaxation. It is a bright summer day. It is late
in the day. You decide to go for a walk along the beach. The sun is radiating warmth
and comfort as it shines boldly. The sky is crystal clear without a cloud in sight. The
grains of sand beneath your feet shine from the sunlight and warm the soles of your
feet. The sound of the waves beating against the shore echoes in the air. You feel the
warm, light breeze brush against your faces as you walk onward. Far off in the
266 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

distance, you can hear the cries of sea gulls…You watch them glide through the sky,
swoop down into the sea, and then fly off once again. As you walk further along the
shore, you decide to rest. You sit down on a mound of pure white sand and gaze out at
the sea, staring intently at the rhythmic, methodical motion of the waves rolling into
shore. Each wave breaks against the coast, rising slowly upward along the beach,
leaving an area of white foam. Slowly the wave retreats back out to sea, only to be
replaced by another wave that crashes against the shore…working its way up the
beach…then slowly retreating back out to sea. With each motion of the wave as it
glides in and then out, you find yourself feeling more and more relaxed. The
tranquility creates a sense of calmness, peace.
As you stare off into the distance, you see that the sun is beginning to sink into the
horizon. The sky is turning brilliant colors of red…orange…yellow…while the sun
sets, sinking down…down into the horizon. You feel very relaxed and soothed. You
continue to watch the sun as it descends. The beating of the waves, the smell and taste
of the sea, the salt, the cries of the gulls, the warmth against your body - all of these
sights, sounds, and smells leave you feeling very calm, refreshed, and relaxed.
Pause…For a moment let yourself drift…For a moment be aware of how deeply
relaxed your mind and body feel right now…Remind yourself that you can create
these feelings on your own during your daily activities. Remember that periodically
during any day you may scan your body, discover any tension you are holding and
then inhale relaxation and exhale the tension and tightness. Come back to this place as
often as you like or create your own getaway. Relax - renew - recharge your mind and
body.
THE RIVER: Drift with the currents of a slow-moving river as your tension floats
away. Sit comfortably with your back straight… Focus on your breathing… Notice
your breath flowing in and out… Slowly and rhythmically… As you focus on your
breathing…close your eyes… And continue to breathe slowly and deeply…
Gradually relax deeper and deeper. Pause 10 seconds. You are relaxing… And as you
breathe slowly, deeply and naturally… Feel the chatter of your mind become calm
and quiet. Feel your mind become clear and spacious… As spacious as the sky…
Your thoughts are like puffy clouds, Drifting in and out …in and out… Until finally,
you have no thoughts left… Your mind is clear and spacious…as you breathe deeply.
Pause 15 seconds.
Your mind is free and clear… it is open… and empty… There are no thoughts
intruding in your mind… As you listen to my voice… It is your time to be quiet
now… Time to be carried along with this daydream. Pause 10 seconds. Imagine a
Essentials of Counseling 267

deep, wide, slowly moving river… Place yourself in the middle of the current…
Peering up into the sky… As if the water were holding you there motionless… Feel
the current moving slowly past your ears… neck… chest… stomach... waist… legs…
and feet… So that you become part of the swaying current. Hear the unique
underwater sounds… The water gently rolling over the rocks… The sand rushing
through the water… And your legs swaying back and forth with the current. As the
water continues to support your body… Notice your tension releasing itself into the
stream. Concentrate not on staying afloat or staying in place… But only on letting go
of your body’s tension… And drifting with the current of the stream… Feel how light
your body is at this time… How relaxed...how peaceful you feel. Know that the very
fact you have imagined your tension floating Away with the stream’s current makes it
possible and real…Your tension has been released… And you feel light and
relaxed… Tell yourself this now. Pause 5 seconds. You will bring back this good
feeling… This feeling of lightness and relaxation. When you are ready… Open your
eyes slowly…and let in the sight of your surroundings.

PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION

Progressive Muscle Relaxation is simply isolating one muscle group; creating tension
for a short period of time; and then letting the muscle relax and the tension go. This
procedure of creating tension and then releasing it is applied to every major muscle
group of the body, and ultimately results in a sense of peacefulness and overall
relaxed muscles. Muscle tension is one of the more common responses to stress. This
technique can help condition your body to relax tensed areas of the body when
discomfort is experienced. You will be asked to tense a muscle group either by
tightening, clinching, or curling the area and then hold it for a few moments before
letting it relax. Your breathing will be very important to focus on while doing this
technique. Taking deep, slow, diaphragmatic breaths will slow down your mind and
body to help create a sense of relaxation. Take your time with this technique and
enjoy the freedom of tension being released from your mind and body. You will need
a comfortable location to sit down, free of distractions, and focus on your body. If you
like, adjust the lighting in your space to create a calm and relaxing atmosphere.
This technique is often most useful when you tape the instructions beforehand. You
can tape these instructions; reading them slowly and leaving a short pause after each
one or listen to the progressive muscle relaxation track on CD.
 Lie on your back, close your eyes.
 Feel your feet. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and sink into the bed.
Start with your toes and progress to your ankles.
268 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

 Feel knees. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the
bed.
 Feel your upper legs and thighs. Feel their weight. Consciously relax them and
feel them sink into the bed.
 Feel your abdomen and chest. Sense your breathing. Consciously will them to
relax. Deepen your breathing slightly and feel your abdomen and chest sink into
the bed.
 Feel buttocks. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into
the bed.
 Feel hands. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the
bed.
 Feel upper arms, sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink
into bed.
 Feel shoulders, sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into
bed.
 Feel your neck. Sense its weight. Consciously relax it and feel it sink into the bed.
 Feel head and skull, sense its weight. Consciously relax it and feel it sink into the
bed.
 Feel mouth and jaw. Consciously relax them. Pay particular attention to your jaw
muscles and unclench them if you need to. Feel your mouth and jaw relax and
sink into the bed.
 Feel your eyes. Sense if there is tension in your eyes. Sense if you are forcibly
closing your eyelids. Consciously relax your eyelids and feel the tension slide off
the eyes.
 Feel face and cheeks. Consciously relax them and feel the tension slide off into
the bed.
 Mentally scan your body. If you find any place that is still tense, then consciously
relax that place and let it sink into the bed.
PMR EXERCISE - Toe to Head: Let’s Begin. Uncross your legs and your arms. Get
comfortable in your seat, close your eyes, and take a deep breath in and let it out.
Again, take a deep breath through your nose and push it out through your mouth
allowing the tension to leave your body. Start by shifting your attention to your
feet…Curl your toes under, as if to touch the bottom of your feet...hold this for a few
moments and then gently relax. Point your toes out directly in front of you, feeling the
tension in your ankles...hold & then relax. Tense the calf muscle…hold & relax.
Tighten your thigh muscles, try not to involve abdominal area…hold & relax. Make
sure participants are doing their deep breathing. Breathe in slowly, and exhale. Let
Essentials of Counseling 269

your body relax. Repeat the hold and relax for each muscle group you move them
through. Tighten your buttock muscles, then your abdominal area. Curve your back
outward, then arch your back. Tighten your upper chest. Breath, let go of tension and
allow yourself to unwind.
Next, make a fist with each hand, bend your arms at the elbow, and tighten up your
arms while holding the fist. Clench your finger tips into your palms makes a fist with
each hand. Feel the warmth and heaviness of deep relaxation penetrate your muscles.
Shrug your left shoulder as if to touch your ear…then your right shoulder. Shrug both
shoulders together. Tilt your head to your left shoulder, and then tilt toward your right
shoulder. Bring your head forward to touch your chest. Bring your head backward to
your upper back. Feel your muscles releasing the tension, letting go. Next, clench
your jaw tightly. Push your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Open your mouth
wide. Squint your eyes tightly. Wrinkle your forehead. Relax your face…feel your
forehead smooth out...soften your eyes….relax the spot between your eyebrows...let
all facial expression fall away as you sink down deeper into relaxation, let the tension
go and enjoy the relaxed sensation your body feels.

DEEP BREATHING
When we are stressed, we often take short shallow breaths where our shoulders rise
and fall. Our chest may feel like a weight is bearing down on it making it difficult to
breathe. When our body becomes restricted like this our thoughts and actions are
affected too. Our concentration and focus become clouded and we are often quick to
react, which then later results in regret or recourse. Taking time to slow our mind and
body down can lead to better outcomes and productivity. Slow, deep, diaphragmatic
breaths are important in regulating out body’s response to stress. It helps increase
circulation, loosens muscles, and cleanses the body. By concentrating on our
breathing, deep breathing allows the rest of our body to relax itself. Deep breathing is
a great way to relax the body and get everything into synchrony. Relaxation breathing
is an important part of yoga and martial arts for this reason.
 Lie on your back.
 Slowly relax your body.
 Begin to inhale slowly through your nose if possible. Fill the lower part of your
chest first, then the middle and top part of your chest and lungs. Be sure to do this
slowly, over 8 to 10 seconds.
 Hold your breath for a second or two.
 Then quietly and easily relax and let the air out.
 Wait a few seconds and repeat this cycle.
270 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

 If you find yourself getting dizzy, then you are overdoing it. Slow down.
 You can also imagine yourself in a peaceful situation such as on a warm, gentle
ocean. Imagine that you rise on the gentle swells of the water as you inhale and
sink down into the waves as you exhale.
 You can continue this breathing technique for as long as you like until you fall
asleep.
DEEP BREATHING: Diaphragmatic breathing uses the diaphragm muscle which is
located under your ribs and above your stomach. You want to draw in as much air as
possible forcing your diaphragm to expand. A good way to practice this technique is
with your hands on your stomach so you can see your hands rise as you inhale and fall
as you exhale breathes. At first it may be a bit uncomfortable because you are use to
using your chest to take in the shallow breathes. You need to work on reconditioning
your body to adapt to the deep breathing. Be patient and allow yourself to find a
rhythm of breath that is comfortable for you as you practice this exercise. Assume a
comfortable, relaxed position with as much support as possible. Unfold your arms and
legs. When you are ready, allow yourself to close your eyes and begin breathing in
deeply through your nose. Then exhale through your mouth. When you inhale, allow
your stomach to rise so the diaphragmatic area expands. As you exhale, allow your
stomach to fall, pushing out all your tension. Continue breathing in deeply through
your nose and exhaling through your mouth…Breath slowly, deeply, and
evenly…Notice how you feel and enjoy the experience. Repeat. Now, for the next
several breaths focus only on the exhalation phase of your breathing cycle. Notice the
warmth of the air as it leaves your mouth and r-e-l-a-x as you exhale. Come up with
some positive mantra like, “my mind and body are calm and relaxed”. Repeat this to
yourself as you exhale your breath. Again, this will facilitate the mind-body
connection and also help you feel more in control of the rhythm of your breath versus
your body dictating that. Repeat exercise several times. Take a deep breath in through
your nose and exhale through your mouth pushing out tension and tiredness. Your
breathing is a powerful tool, and very important in any relaxation technique you
incorporate into your stress management regimen. Remember to take deep, slow
breaths. Deep breathing is an excellent relaxation technique even when used on its
own. It can be used as a short, quick technique as you are walking to class, or it can
be used for an extended period of time.
RELAXATION MUSIC
Listening to music can have a tremendously relaxing effect on our minds and bodies,
especially slow, quiet classical music. This type of music can have a beneficial effect
Essentials of Counseling 271

on our physiological functions, slowing the pulse and heart rate, lowering blood
pressure, and decreasing the levels of stress hormones. As music can absorb our
attention, it acts as a distraction at the same time it helps to explore emotions. This
means it can be a great aid to meditation, helping to prevent the mind wandering.
Musical preference varies widely between individuals, so only you can decide what
you like and what is suitable for each mood. But even if you don’t usually listen to
classical music it may be worth giving it a try when selecting the most calming music.
When people are much stressed, there is a tendency to avoid actively listening to
music. Perhaps it feels like a waste of time, not helping to achieve anything. But as
we know, productivity increases when stress is reduced, so this is another area where
you can gain vast rewards. It just takes a small effort to begin with. To incorporate
music into a busy life, try playing CDs in the car, or put the radio on when in the bath
or shower. Take portable music with you when walking. Singing (or shouting) along
can also be a great release of tension. Calming music before bedtime promotes peace
and relaxation and helps to induce sleep. Research has demonstrated that a variety of
music therapy relaxation and stress management approaches are effective for people
requiring rehabilitation. In addition, these approaches are also effective for healthcare
professionals and caregivers. Benefits include decreased heart and respiratory rate,
blood pressure, anxiety, agitation and depression, along with general stress reduction,
improved coping skills and better psychosocial adjustment. Music has also shown to
be an effective sedative component in pre-operative and operative procedures. You
can help yourself with stress management and relief by exploring the following self-
help techniques -
 Take notice of how listening to various types of music and nature sounds with or
without music can help you relax.
 If you play an instrument, record a piece of music that you find relaxing. Then
listen to the tape when you need to relax.
 Listen to relaxing background music at work or during lunch break. Add some
body stretching at the same time. This also works just before going to sleep.
 Participate in local community programs and centers that offer stress management
and relaxation activities accompanied by music.
 Place hands on a drum and become aware of the many rhythms that exist within
you such as your breathing and heartbeat. There is a rhythmical symphony that is
the homeostasis of biology. Breathe deeply and play this rhythm for 3 or 4
minutes. You may reconnect with your inner natural rhythms, intuition, and
feelings, and ultimately feel renewed.
 Consult with a music therapist to find effective recorded music for your needs.
272 Assertiveness and Relaxation Techniques

Relaxation techniques are a great way to help with stress management. Relaxation
isn’t just about peace of mind or enjoying a hobby. Relaxation is a process that
decreases the effects of stress on your mind and body. Relaxation techniques can help
you cope with everyday stress and with stress related to various health problems, such
as cancer and pain. Whether your stress is spiraling out of control or you’ve already
got it tamed, you can benefit from learning relaxation techniques. Learning basic
relaxation techniques is easy. Relaxation techniques also are often free or low cost,
pose little risk and can be done just about anywhere. Explore these simple relaxation
techniques and get started on de-stressing your life and improving your health.
Essentials of Counseling 273

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