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"SomethingAwful needs to publish a Life Survival Guide"

or

"Poor Lowtax's Almanac"

Crazy stuff that will help you out.

Thesis: Up- Up- Down- Down- Left- Right- Left- Right, B, A, Select, Start.

Can be used anywhwere, at any time, in all things. So there.

Peengers: I have the cure for your problems.

Contents of this page:

* Foreword * How To Do STUFF o Cars and Driving o Electronics * Habits of the Happy Goon o Relationshipping * Different Uses For Stuff You Are Probably Using * Health and Long-term Maintainance o Uncircumcised o Teeth o For the Everyday Hiccupper o Who Sneezes * Foodish Things o Especially Onions

If you have an idea for another tip I could include here, send me an e-mai l at [email protected] or defeat me in Global War at telnet://sa.servebbs.org/

Foreword

You post to an internet forum full of pedophiles, pants-shitters, depressed and paxil-ingesting people suffering from various mental illnesses, social misfits, drug users, and perpetrators of every sexual fetish imaginable, and ask US what to do?

-Anonymous quote from the Something Awful Forums

How To

Open a New CD: Have a problem getting past those pesky security stickers on a ne w CD? Well, unwrap the CD down to just the plastic case with the offending stick er. Then, the piece of plastic that serves as the bottom hinge for the CD case i s mildly flexible, so use a finger to separate it gently from the bottom. When y ou do so, the bottom peg will come out from the hole and the hinge will be disas ssembled. Now, the front "door" to the CD case is free to open UPWARDS. Lift it up and over to the back of the CD, and you will be able to freely peels the stic ker from both piece of plastic, and give you easy access to the CD itself. Once annoying sticker is removed, just align the front "door" with the front of the c ase again and replace the peg in the hole. Bam, you CD case is like new sans sti cker.

If you want a job, remember that they will not contact the refrences you provide , they will contact you're previous employers.

If you're like me and don't understand the "righty-tighty lefty-loosey" method f or figuring out which way to turn a screw, try pointing your right thumb in the direction you want the screw to go (into the wall or out of it). The way your fi ngers curl is the way you want to turn the screw to make it go in that direction (for physics geeks, it's the same as the method used to find what direction a m agnetic field makes around a wire that's carrying a constant current).

Think of how you open a twist off soda bottle. Fingers/hand turn left, top comes off. Fingers/hand turn right, top goes on. Pretty simple, same goes for a screw driver, socket wrench, etc...

The righty-tighty left loosey thing only works when the bolt is rightside up. So if you're say, under a car and taking off transmission pan bolts, you're gonna tighten when you wanna loosen, etc. the only consistent method is to remember th at turning bolts clockwise tightens them, counterclockwise loosens them. It work s no matter where you or the bolt are.

Well that should be obvious unless you're a retard. Righty = clockwise and lefty = counterclockwise, that's the entire fucking point of the saying.

To prevent a shaken carbonated drink from exploding on you when opened, tap the bottom of the can/bottle for about 30 seconds.

What changes when soda is shaken is the position of the contents- you move all t he air from the top and mix it in with the soda, so instead of air spraying out as you open the can, it propels the soda out. Tapping the can dislodges bubbles and forces them to rise to the top. It gets the SOME of the c02 bubbles to rise to the top so they are released peacefully when you crack open the can. This hel ps a lot with minor agitation, but if you shake the fuck out of a can, it won't do a whole lot of good.

Waiting about 2 minutes and opening, or barely opening at all and letting some g as out. The first method is the best, because it allows the CO2 to mix back into the liquid, whereas the second method will release more CO2 than would normally

be released at the opening, which will cause the drink to become flat quicker.

Crack the drinking hole ever so slightly so you hear a hissing sound, the pressu re will dissipate but without allowing the liquid to come squirting out. Same go es for twist off bottles, just with a different amount of top-openage. Obviously doesn't work for bottles with caps that can't be put back on.

To light a match with one hand:

Flip the cover with your thumb, then reach your thumb around, grabbing the tip o f one match. Pull it down and around the bottom of the pack until it makes conta ct with the 'flint.' If it doesn't reach all the way around (cheaper matches usu ally don't), push at the point where it connects to the rest of the matches.

Line up the tip of the match at thumb so it points at the other contact with the tip as little me can make contact with. A few

the edge of the striking surface and crook your edge. Very important, make sure your thumb makes as possible to minimize the surface area the fla mm from your thumbnail is good.

Quickly push the tip of the match away from you across the striking surface and lift your thumb away. It should light and spring out when you release.

This helped my tips when I worked as a waiter at a place where we lit a candle a t every table. Sure caused a lot of burns, though, including the sort where a fl

aming piece of sulphur buries its way into the skin. I've got it perfected now.

How to make a crack torch. For those of you without crack head friends just pop off the metal part, push the black thing to the + side, lift the black part up s o it's not moving the white piece and put it back to the -. Keep doing that for four or five rotations and put the metal part back on. Should shoot a good 6 or 7 inch flames. If these directions aren't clear enough I guess I can post pictur es of the progress, shouldn't be difficult to figure out. Works with all but Bic lighters. Just has to have the dial in the back with the - and +.

Have fun impressing everyone under the age of 13.

Packing a fresh pack of cigarettes only requires 2-3 good, hard thwacks into you r open palm. Any more and you will look like an asshole. Doing this with the pac k upside down will make you look like a complete dickhead. Doing this and lighti ng it with your super-cool tweaked lighter that shoots a 6-inch freebasing flame will make you look like General Fucknut of the 235th Faggot Brigade.

When you need to create a small opening in plastic for some reason or another, I find that a steady soldering iron(& maybe a replacement tip too) will do the jo b when a knife wont work.

If you ever spill red wine on light carpet, shaving cream will get the stain out pretty well.

When smoking tipped cigarillos (Swisher Sweets, Black & Milds), you can make the m much smoother to hit by gently tugging off the tip and ripping off the part of the cigarillo that was crammed inside it. This part usually is crusty with glue ; this is what was holding it in place all this time. Cram the cigarillo back in to the tip, and roll it between your fingers until the whole thing is nice and s oft. This makes for a much smoother smoke.

Everybody knows how to "French curl". For those of you who don't for some reason , this is simultaneously blowing smoke upwards with your mouth, and inhaling wit h your nose, so that the smoke moves in a circuit. To 14-year-olds, this is pret ty cool. To everybody else, this is the stupidest thing in the world and should never be done under any circumstances.

How to make friends at college:

If you see someone sitting in the lunch room by themselves and they aren't study ing or doing homework, go sit at their table and talk to them. Get their name an d what they're studying and BAM, you've got an aquaintince.

Then, when you see them around campus/town again, say 'hi'.

And remember: even though you may be nervous about talking to random people, the worst you can get is "Go away"

Yeah, this works pretty good. Except that they usually don't say "Go away" and i nstead you can just tell that they don't want to talk. Also, that hot asian chic k that sits by herself is probably more trouble than she's worth.

Offer to give someone something that fits in the palm of their hand. This gives you an opportunity to spit in their hand and make them feel gross.

Using a Plunger Effectively:

When using a plunger to unstop your pipes, the secret to quickly getting the job done is to put your force on the pull rather than the push. Push in slowly, the n pull out quickly and with some force. Also, make sure there is a good amount o f liquid around the drain you're plunging. This will assist with the suction. If plunging a double-sink, have someone hold a stopper in the other side. When plu nging a bathtub, tape some cling-film around the overflow (usually where the sho wer/spigot selector is).

Why pull? Well, if the clog was going to go down, it would. If you push with for ce, you force the clog to stick tighter. By pulling, you back the clog away from the tight spot.

If you have a string of christmas lights with a broken plug, you can make them w ork by cutting off the broken plug, stripping a bit of insulation off the ends o f the wires, and stuffing them into an outlet. I assume this also works with oth er electrical devices. (This is only logical to do in cases of extreme time cons traint- might as well pay $0.70 for a new plug at Home Depot or buy a new string of lights)

Sometimes I get this really annoying feeling in/on my feet that I can only descr ibe as dry. I have no chance of getting to sleep when this happens and I have to go put them in the shower or under the tap for a while.

To implode an empty aluminum soda can (if you are into that sort of thing) hold it over a gas flame. Once you hear crackling start to come from the inside of th e can, turn it upside down in a bowl of ice water. Presto, one imploded can.

To clean up spilled syrup, lightly pour soda over the entire spill area and let it set for a few minutes. It will then wipe up as easily as water.

If you seal your weed with one of those vacuum food savers and then run it throu gh the dishwasher, the dogs can't smell it.

When putting in an earring, or any ring for that matter, instead of poking at yo ur ear with the stud, lick your thumb and index finger, or wet them with water, wet where the hole is, and put the stud in. It'll open up the hole so you're not fiddling around at it with the stud.

Put the smelly shoes in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer overnight. The s mell is caused by bacteria, which will die when deep frozen. Or sprinkle baking soda in your shoes.

Sharpen scissors by using them a few times on a piece of sand paper.

Tend to leave your laundry in the washer/dryer for too long? Purchase a kitchen timer, and keep it with you while you wash. ~40 minutes for washing, 60 for dryi ng.

If you put on your t-shirt and it has bumps on the shoulders from the hangar, pu t some water on the bumps while you're wearing it. The water will dry by the tim e you reach your destination and the bumps will be gone. This is handy if you do n't like ironing.

Vegas important:

Never hit in blackjack if er 11. If you hit and get he face since he only had ler will most likely bust

the dealer has a 2-6 showing and you have a hand of ov a 10 and bust, the guy next to you will punch you in t an 8 or something and really needed that card. The dea in this scenario anyway.

If there is a woodworking shop (cabinets, furniture, etc.) nearby, they will usu ally give you scraps that are great for fire kindling.

If you get candle wax on something put it in the freezer.

To get candle wax off carpet, use newspaper and a warm iron once you've chipped off what you can. Put the newspaper down and run the iron over it - the wax gets absorbed into the paper. You need patience, but it does work.

A little trick for smokers.

If you find yourself with a beer that is not twist off. Hold the beer firmly by the neck, with the end of your cigarette lighter between your index finger and t he cap.

The idea is to create a fulcrum out of your finger, and a lever out of your ligh ter. Push down quick on the end or the lighter, and the cap should pop right off . It takes a little practice, but once you get the hang of it, it works like a c harm.

If you feel the need to spit into the sink, run a little water in it the instant before you expectorate. It will all go right down.

The best way to score a point at air hockey is to hit it straight into the goal directly. It is unexepected by your opponent because he assumes like most that y ou will try to bank it off the side. Always hit it as hard as you can. This tend s to scare the shit out of them because if it is done right, the puck may fly of f the table and the fear that it will nail him in the face is there causing him to turn his head or wince at every shot you make. Make the person cry for his mo m.

Always find the start of a roll of tape. Bite your fingernails like I do? Then y ou probably waste way too much time finding where the end is stuck flat, then yo u can't get enough free to pull, curse loudly, and so on. The next time you use your roll of tape, before you snip off what you need and press back down the res t, place something small and flat there on the new end of the roll as a tab of s orts to free it next time. A paperclip works great.

Tighten fishing knots inside your mouth- just utterly swamp them in spit. This r educes friction damage to the nylon line so you end up with a stronger knot.

When planting tree seedlings that lack bark, make sure to put up mesh around the m that mice and rabbits can't get through. Finding little stubs where 4 weeks of effort were supposed to be is no fun at all. My poor, poor Honey Locusts.

Llamas will use a salt-block if you have other animals for them to copy (goats, etc.). Much easier than feeding selenium with their grain, but make sure the blo ck has selenium in it.

To prevent them from stripping the bark from any trees in your pasture, put some Llama dung into a spray bottle (about 1/3 full), fill it with water and shake a few seconds. Spray the tree trunks and lower branches they can reach with the s tuff, and they won't touch 'em; but be sure to re-apply every so often.

Teabag rocket

Find a tea-bag, the kind that has the staple in the top to hold it together.

Remove the string and take out the staple, straighten out the tea bag and pour t he tea-leaves down the sink. Make the teabag into a tube and scrunch up one end. Now light the top and watch it blast off!

Step one: Set up a system with a psybnc server outside of the police station (At a cop's house if need be, nobody's going to get his personal address). Hell, ev en a ssh tunnel would work.

Step two: Configure firewall to deny connect attempts on the port psybnc (or ssh ) uses, except when someone from a police server is connecting.

Step three: Bust pedos in irc, confident that you can't be traced and nobody wil l know you're bouncing through another system.

That's what I used to do, anyway. Join irc, get a few sites, report them, bounce through a different server, rinse and repeat.

ifconfig en0 ether (or whatever for windows)

then use a dialup connection.

Bim-bang, untracable

Computers:

-Back up any important data on disk. Your C drive is not indestructable.

-Keep an extra power supply around, you never know when yours will blow.

-If you're on a budget, use the 'draft' option when printing long documents, it

saves like 1/3 the toner you'd normally use and doesn't look too bad.

-Don't skimp on parts. You get what you pay for.

-Restart once a week, whether you think you need it or not.

If you have dings or dents in expensive wood, dabble the spot with water, take a rag, and iron over the spot with the rag as a buffer. The steam will expand the wood and fill up the ding.

When microwaving leftover pizza, it tastes best if you wrap the slice in a damp paper towel.

If you're having trouble opening a jar, and you don't have one of those rubber j ar openers, you can whack the lid against a hard surface a couple of times. If T HAT doesn't work, hold the jar lid under hot running water for about half a minu te. Worked every time.

About making your papers longer: Your parents had to write fewer words than you did because they were using typewriters. Typewriter letters are all the same wid th. Use Courier New or some other mono spaced font (as opposed to a variable wid th font). You're getting cheated out of precious paper space with every letter e xcept "W".

Also, make sure all your paragraphs end on the next line by adding more words. T his gives you an extra line for each paragraph in your paper.

It is still a 12 point font, and had you typed it on a typewriter, it would be t he same length (not that I've ever had a teacher criticize me for using mono spa ced font though).

You can instantly add pages to your paper freeing you up for your evening social activities.

____________________________________________________________

quote:

I'm confident, I'm articulate, but I can't project my voice whatsoever. My chanc es with girls are shot if I get stuck in a bar, a club, or even a crowded restau rant, because no matter how loud I shout, my voice gets so drowned out by music and/or other voices that I can't even hear it. It's like there's an invisible ph ase inverting amplifier floating in front of my face.

____________________________________________________________

Learn to speak from the diaphragm. It'll take time, but after a few lesssons you can find yourself sticking with it; try singing your favourite song thinking ab out your throat, then do it again imagining your voice rising up from as far dee p in your chest as you can; imagine it, feel it. The tone may change, and you'll find your voice bouncing off of the walls. Do it whenever you can; when you're hoovering, whenever. You'll be known as the guy with the booming voice once spea king from the diaphragm becomes part of you.

Also, open your mouth more when you speak. Bigger mouth opening = more sound com ing out at once. Just try not to look like a moron.

It's a pain in the ass, and you have to be committed to doing this, but wherever you are deliberately talk loud enough so that someone standing at the other end of the room can hear you. Do this all the time, no matter what. I know you will worry that you are talking to loud, but that is your problem, you are used to a n inefficient volume level of your own voice. After consistantly speaking (in yo ur mind) loud enough to be heard at the other end of the room, you will graduall y get used to that as your default voice level.

If you're really paranoid about talking too loud, speak with a few close friends and tell them of your plight. Have them be your control and they can let you kn

ow when you are REALLY talking too loud and not just imagining it.

Be diligent. It will work.

Rootbeer floats are easy to make. Just put ice cream into rootbeer OR pour rootb eer over ice cream in a tall glass. Spoon and straw are the implements of destru ction. This is good to know when you want to spoil people.

Toilet Auger(tm) - if a plunger can't get out a clog, this can. It will save you massive amounts of money instead of calling a plumber. Be careful not to scratc h your toilet with it though.

The blue stuff in your toilets, don't use it. It can actually clog your toilet. This goes double for older toilets. The sewage treatment gels don't do anything either.

To prevent shirt buttons from coming undone, dot each with a drop of clear nail polish and let dry.

To pour a fizzy drink without getting shitloads of froth, start pouring with the glass at a 45 degree angle to the bottle, then as the cup fills up, increase th e angle until you get upright. This will mean you can pour in one motion, with m inimal froth.

And the cure for the ice cream headache:

1) Cup your hands against your face, covering your mouth and nose.

2) Breathe very slowly out of your mouth, so hot air enters your nostrils.

3) Count to 3-Mississippi in your head

____________________________________________________________

quote:

Does anyone know how to get gum out of carpeting?

____________________________________________________________

There's a product called gum remover that might do it. For a cheaper solution, g et a can of "air duster" stuff for computer/electronics and spray it upside down . Freezing liquid will come out. Spray it on the gum and you should be able to j ust chip it off.

This tip works with any kind of sticker too. I took theoretically unremovable st ickers off of some pretty delicate paper by freezing them.

Just rub an ice cube over it until the wad freezes up and loosens from the carpe t.

If you need to look at something in a dark room and your eyes haven't yet adjust ed to the darkness, look directly to either side of what you're trying to see. Y ou'll see the object better. Most people know this one.

If you're inside and you need to look at something outside during the nighttime, turn off the light inside. It's much easier to see when it's dark outside if yo u make it dark inside. Go, try it. Turning off the light eliminates glare and re flections from inside the room which hinder your ability to see clearly out the window. Again, common sense.

Whoever plays guitar will love this one if your in a bind for cash and new strin gs:

Extend the life of your strings; Take off your strings from the guitar than wrap them up together and put them in boiling water for about a minute. Take them ou t of the water and get a clean wash cloth and some rubbing alcohol and dampin th e wash cloth with the alcohol and run the cloth over the string. Watch magically as the dirt and grime come off and leave you with almost brand new strings that will have some of that original tone as they did when you first put them on.

Extended time period for me is about 2 weeks that it will still sound good.

If your fridge smells, spread some baking soda on a small dish and place it in s ome corner of the fridge. it will take care of the smells.

Fed up of not finding your fave cd of the week, whether its a game cd or applica tion etc, screw a few of the black inards from a cd case to the wall, then just pop the cd's you currently use most in them. They shall always be at hand.

Rub your tummy and pat your head

To effectively do both, first start by rubbing your stomach with your left hand in a circle around your belly-button. Then, each time you touch the point above your belly-button, bring your right hand down upon your head.

It takes a little practice, but eventually you can do it with super speed. .

If you're struggling to open a jar, turn it upside down, and bang it with the bo ttom of a knife.

If you're in the market for an engagement ring, purchase the diamond online (mak e sure you get a certificate!) and have a local jeweler set it for you. Savings of up to 60% await you.

When purchasing a car, pick the model you want from the lot/showroom and take no tes (make, model, color, options, price etc.) Ask questions of a sales rep if yo u need to, but don't enter his office or sign anything. Visit several other deal erships and do the same thing. Take note of the lowest price. Wait a day or so, then call all the dealerships, starting with the highest-priced one, and ask the m to meet or beat the lowest price you recorded. They'll all ask you to come to them to discuss the matter; refuse. Work your way down the list, then start over with the current highest-priced dealer. Keep calling until you can't get a lowe r price.

In the same vein, when making any major purchase like a car or a house, bring a calculator and check the dealer's math. Learn the formula for compound interest (write it down if you must). If you find the dealer playing fast and loose with the numbers, call him on it and make as big a fuss as possible, ideally involvin g his manager.

If you're taking your dog for a walk, bring a Ziploc baggie with you. Turn it in side out to pick up that "but you just took a shit 10 minutes ago!" crap, then z ip it in. You don't have to touch it, and you can chuck that delicious bag of ex cellence into the next garbage can you see.

Also, when measuring something to cut and marking off measurements, don't just d o one little tick mark. Make two from the point where your measurement is, so yo u make a little "V". It will help guide your cutting later, and also make it eas ier to see if you are marking on wood or are working with large pieces of materi al. My dad's a carpenter and he does this.If you want to build muscle mass, work out in short reps that are difficult/heavy.

To check to see if something is a multiple of 3, add all its digits. If the sum of its digits is divisible by 3, so is the number.

In general, if you aren't inspired to do homework, the best thing to do is just start working anyways.

Jesus fuck you're dumb. Go to Home Depot and buy a $0.30 plug and attach it. Thi s will prevent fire, electrocution, and a plethora of other dumbass things likel y to hurt you.

For freschetta pizzas, 400 degrees is the highest you can go without it burning the pizza if you want the dough cooked through. 425 you can cook it for a shorte r period but it'll have a layer of uncooked dough in the crust that is good in a small amount but not a lot, the best balance is 22 min of 400. yeah.

Tombstone = 15 and a quarter at 400 o_O

Generally, when shaving an area, shave with the grain first until you've gotten most of the hairs, and then carefully go back against the grain. Smooth city. I' ve also been told applying deodorant to the area after shaving makes it less pro ne to itching and rashes.

If you get water in your ear in a place where you're at least 3 feet deep in wat er, a good way to get it out would be to tilt your head with that ear facing dow nwards, and to jump up and down slowly a couple of times. It will eventually com e out, 90% of the time.

To fall asleep, your mind must be blank. Or you just gotta be really damn tired. Anyway, try to clear your mind of everything, and don't think. Try to imagine w hat's going on inside your eyelids, if need be.

How to win a Fight: if you're right-handed, keep small change in your left pocke t. If you think you might have to knock some jackass out, take the change and to ss it at his groin. He'll automatically react to that by covering the groin, and when he does, blast him with the right. In most fights, whoever gets in the fir st hit is going to win. Keep hitting until the guy goes down, then get the fuck out of dodge. You don't want him coming back with his friends. Or a bat. If you get stuck wrestling around with someone, remember: the body goes where the head goes.

Here's how to light a match on a breezy day:

Face into the wind. Tear out a match and hold it between the second knuckles of your ring and middle finger, with the tip facing inward, toward your palm. Strik e the match to the scratch surface with your thumb, and in the same motion, curl

your hand like you are holding a longneck beer. The hand forms a little dead ai r pocket, and with practice you can light your cig/joint/fuse/hobo easily on a w indy day.

If you have a spare long neck glass bottle (old style coke bottles work great fo r this) and what to impress somebody, you can blow the bottom off of it using on ly your bare hands. Here's how!

Fill it up with water (or whatever liquid) so it is almost full, but there is a little bit of air left at the top. Not too much air; maybe about a half of an in ch from the very top. Now, take your hand and hit the top of the bottle so that the fleshy heel part of your hand covers the mouth. It will form a seal, and sin ce your hand is kind of squishy send a compressional shock wave through the air, and into the water. Since water is not compressable, when the shock wave hits t he bottom it will be transfered completely into the bottom of the bottle and blo w the fucker out. It is really amazing after you get some practice and just star t shooting these perfectly circular shards of razor-sharp glass off of the botto m of bottles for no aparent reason.

If you can't get it to work right at first, hit the fucker harder. They key is t o hit it hard and straight. You can also use a rubber mallet to kind of get the hang of it. If all else fails, replace the liquid in the bottle with your own ur ine, and taste it. I kid you not.

30k in weight came out of the closet to say:

Champagne/wine bottles?

I suppose they would work, assuming you hit them hard enough. I have been able t o do it with those 20oz beer bottles too. The important part is the shape of the bottle. The reason the coke bottles work so well is becuase they kind of fan an d contract, concentrating the shock wave. Just have the right amount of water an d air, hit it hard and straight, and it should drop the bottom out.

Be careful though, since one of my friends was trying to do it, but couldn't get it to work. He is a pretty strong guy, so this pissed him off. He proceeded to hit the bottle as hard as he could, completely exploding everything below the ne ck. He didn't get hurt, but you could get cut up pretty bad if things went badly .

I should also point out that the correct way to hold them is by the neck, as hig h up as you can. Make sure your holding hand is dry so it doesn't slip out when you hit it.

Best way to open champagne bottles. Completely unwrap the foil and undo any wire wrap but dont pop the cork. Hold a carving knife against the lower neck with th e blade facing down and quickly slide it up, catching the ring at the top of the bottle with the back of the blade. The entire ring + cork will fly off - make s ure you aim it at anyone you don't like.

Make sure the champagne is cold. A warm or room temperature bottle will explode in your hand.

____________________________________________________________

quote:

Anyone know how to get rid of those red bumps on your neck that show up from sha ving?

____________________________________________________________

Shave with the grain, always use cream, and do it either in the shower or just a fter. It's much more avoidable if you shave on a regular basis so you aren't dea ling with long scratchy stubble.

To shell hard boiled eggs more easily: boil the eggs straight from the fridge, a nd drop them in a dish of cold water when they're done. They peel like magic.

Don't pull the trigger, squeeze.

Prevent clothes (jeans especially) from fading so damned quickly whenever I wash them

Turn your clothes inside out.

Saltpeter (nitre) mixed 50/50 with white sugar will burn very hot, very slowly, and produce copius clouds of smoke. Saltpetre is Potassium Nitrate, and can prob ably be obtained from your local pharmacy. It is however the principal component of gunpowder, and should you be asked why you want it, explaining to them that you are going to make smoke bombs or whatever is probably not a good way to conv ince them. There are a number of other uses though, such as preserving meats. Yo u can also buy it at certain supermarkets (as a food preservative), at least her e in Sweden.

When contained (a pop can works nicely), it makes a satisfyingly loud KaBOOM.

Pour the mix into a can until it is 1/3 to 1/2 full. Add sand or dirt on top unt il the can is full. Turn the can over, poke a hole in the bottom with a nail, ad d a fuse.

Light fuse, run away.

Did this. Except with a ping pong ball. Poked a hole in it. Stuffed it with salt peter and sugar, then broke some match heads off the sticks along with some litt le strips cut off of the sandpaper strip for lighting the matches. Put them all in the ball and taped it shut. We started tossing it against a barn.

Toss...nothing...toss...nothing...toss...BOOM!

We had a nice little grass fire to put out.

Completely annihilate action figures, mailboxes and small furry woodland creatur es at will using nothing more then 1 pint glass tonic bottles, tin foil and work s toilet bowl cleaner.

How To Open A CD Jewel Case

If you're looking at the CD case in its normal, upright orientation and opening with your left hand, your middle finger goes on the top edge near the top-right corner, right where the little tab is to hold the booklet in. Your thumb goes on the corresponding spot on the bottom edge.

Your index finger goes between them, folded down at the first or second joint ab ove the knuckle, pushing down on the cover's right edge near the middle.

While pushing down with your index finger, pull up with your thumb and middle fi nger. The case swings right open with no resistance, snapping, or damage.

Ultimate way to kill flies:

Flies respond to movement. The key to killing one is to wait for it to land on a table and place your hands down flat slowly either side of it. Then clap quickl y. The fly will respond to the movement it percieves by flying straight up, righ t into your quickly closing hands.

To pour the perfect Guiness, you tip the glass at a 45 degree angle, filling it half way. You then let it stand for at least 1.5 mins, or until all the substanc e has settled. Then you can fill it to the top, not forgetting the shamrock (clo ver) on top. The shamrock is vital, practice dilligently!

How to open a CD that you just purchased:

After you just buy a CD from a store and it still has all the wrapping on it, ta ke the bottom of the CD and run it along something that has an edge (a desk, a c ounter). The edges on the bottom of the CD will cut up the plastic and aid in ea sy removal.

Now that you have the plastic wrapper off you still have that annoying thing on the top that you will spend hours trying to peel off. At the bottom left of the CD pull the tab that connects the two parts of the case up. You can then make it so that you can move the two pieces and seperate the two parts, along with the sticker on the top.

To fall asleep fast

Try to make yourself stay awake. Think about anything but falling asleep. I'm ou t in thirty seconds this way in almost any environment.

If you don't necessarily want to touch the fly, use a plastic cup. The trick is to come up behind the fly VEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRYYYYYY sloooooowly. They sense movem ent, so the less the better. When about 3-4 inches away, then slam it down. Slid e a thick sheet of paper or something stiff under the cup, then lift.

I usually just let it go outside, but you can do whatever. I like to shake the c up violently to disorient the fly.

For those punk rockers

Hair:

Best way to spike is with hairspray(any kind really) and a blow dryer, you can e ither form the spike, spray and then blow dry or spray first, then form it and b low dry. You can also use knox gelatin (any supermarket will have this), to make it take for example an empty tostitos salsa jar and fill 2/3 with water and put 2 packs in, heat it up and then put it in a spray bottle, use just like hair sp ray. Though when done make sure to clean out the nozzle on the bottle, as it wil l become clogged.

Studs:

Anyone thats ever tried to put studs into leather knows it's a lot of work, espe cially if you don't have a method worked out. 1) press the stud into the jacket to form 2 indentations where the prongs go. 2) using the end of a dart like a na il hammer it through each spot. 3) take an awl exactly like the dart(its like a screwdriver but comes to a point) the awl is much wider than the dart so it will open up those holse so that you can put the stud in 4) place it in and us plyer s or whatever you want to bend prongs over on reverse side.

Painting a leather jacket:

Use acrylic paint and a brush, spray finish on afterwords and there will be less cracking. If you really arent artistic and want to recreate the band name perfe ctly then you can try to make a stencil (a huge pain in the ass), but ive found it really isnt that hard to do it free hand, and i'm not an artist at all.

Bondage pants:

if you can actually sew then http://unixpunx.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=New s&file=article&sid=175&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

if not, Tiger of london are the coolest, though any americans buying them make s ure to get a size up unless you want pants made to be tight in the first place t o be even tighter, cheapest site for them online is: http://www.ruptured-ambitio ns.freeservers.com/CLICK%20HERE%20to%20enter%20site.../

To get the ketchup out of a heinz/huints "57" glass bottle quickly, hold at angl e over food and hit the "57" on the side with your wrist quickly and repeatedly. IT will come out fast, but be careful it may come out too fast.

A way to shave your neck, etc, without irritation: Baby powder after you shave. Works every time.

If you are using wet glue such as Elmer's Glue-All, try to use a very minor amou nt and spread it across the surface you are gluing evenly. This helps prevent wr inkles in the material (if it is paper) and makes it dry more quickly.

Fellas: Before putting on a condom, unroll it part way before putting it on your member. It makes it a bit easier to put on, keeps you from looking like a bumbl ing idiot and keeps your man juice off of the WRONG side of the rubber. Kids? No thanks, just gimme sweet, sweet sex.

For kind of a cool party trick, you'll need a glass of water, some salt, and a h ouse fly. Catch the fly, but make sure you don't kill it in between your hands. Now you need to try to get the fly into the glass of water. This can be somewhat difficult, but I usually try to open the bottom of my cupped hands right on top of the glass while moving my hands downward on top of the glass. Once the fly h as been in the water for a short time, it will appear to have drowned. Fish it o ut, and place it on something flat. Putting it on a napkin is a good idea in ord er to catch the salt. Pour salt on the fly. The salt will soak the water off/out of the fly, bringing it back to life. Kinda dumb, but kinda cool.

CARS AND DRIVING

When changing your oil, take the filler cap off before removing the drain plug.

Keep in mind that when the light turns red the other guys' light doesn't usually turn green for at least a second or so. And they have to accelerate, and they h ave to get out to the middle of the intersection. So its actually safer in some circumstances (you're going too fast, the yellow light is short or you didn't no tice it till late) to just slightly run the red light. to avoid real unsafety, I usually think of red lights as being bad only if it's red before you're halfway through the intersection.

The timing is also different for diffrent lights... so just becuase your lights at home may have a good five seconds of red on both side doesn't mean lights som ewhere else won't be almost instant.

Your ability to maneuver in and out of lanes at excessively high speeds on the f reeway just to pass someone only going at 85 mph is rediculous, dangerous, and p ointless. The only thing you will get out of it is a nice speeding ticket or a d ate with Bubba.

Oh but your drunk retarded friends in the passenger seats might think you are co ol. But I won't.

When driving in the city, always keep a little extra room between you and the ca r in front of you. I learned this from my brother, in the military. It also serv es the purpose of being able to still pull out in emergency (wrong lane, terrori st, or yeah, a car is about to rear-end you).

When stopping at a stop light, or stopping behind another car, give yourself eno ugh room that if someone going the speed limit were to slam into the back of you , you wouldn't hit the car in front of you.

Why? Because you'd be at fault. The dented front fender is almost always at faul t.

Bullshit. This happened to my sister. Someone rear-ended her at 40mph while she was stopped, and it caused a domino effect that damaged six cars, and totalled h er Infiniti. The guy who caused the accident is the one whose insurance covered all the damage.

Well sure, at 40 miles per hour your sister's insurance company had no trouble h anging everything on the rear car. What was his insurance company going to say? "She's partially at fault for not stopping 60 feet back"

However at more moderate speeds, the rear car's insurance company will pass the buck on to yours if they can reasonably prove you increased the total damage by parking too close to the vehicle in front of you.

So stop far enough back that you can still see the other car's rear tires.

This is how it works in New Jersey. You can have a signed statement of fault fro m the other driver stating they were doing blow off a hooker's tits and thus wer en't paying attention and yet you are at fault if you rear-ended them.

Don't move to New Jersey. Seriously.

The people are like New Yorkers, except angry that they are "less" than New York ers, which causes them to be even bigger fuckasses. The scenery sucks. The coast is adorned with used hypodermics and garbage. The drug scene is unbelievable. T raffic laws are so Draconian in anture that even Stalin would go "OK, that's a b it much." Oh, and those jokes about the smell? Those aren't jokes.

GET A RADAR DETECTOR. Seriously. I can't tell you how many times I've been saved from tickets by having one. Sure, you probably shouldn't be going 110 on the in terstate anyways, but these devices are great for times when you're going 40 in a 25. Cops WILL bust you for that. If they're illegal in your state, make sure y ou attack the detector with some velcro tape to the dashboard. That way, the min ute you see the cop, you can pull it off and hide it under your seat.

Disclaimer - in some states, certain police officers are not allowed to use rada r. For example, in Pennsylvania, only State Troopers are allowed to use radar. T ownship/City/County cops are not. So unless you drive on the turnpike or live ne ar the state police barracks, your radar detector will be quiet all the way up t o, 'Do you know why I stopped you son?'

I'm not saying not to get one, radar detectors can be great, but know how cops i n your area clock speeders.

If you have a radar detector, always keep an addressed, stamped 8x10 envelope in your car. If they're illegal in your state, and you get pulled over, you can to ss the detector in the envelope and seal it. It's a federal offense to open mail not addressed to you, so if the cop opens it, and you so feel like it, you coul d raise felony charges against said officer. Results may vary.

If they're in your car dicking around with your stuff they're either performing an illegal search anyway, they've seen something ELSE that was suspicious thus g iving them probable cause, or they've got a warrant.

You'd do just as well sliding it under the seat so it's not visible.

ALWAYS grab them off your windshielf/mirror/whatever and hide them under the pas senger seat if you see a cop do a U-Turn after passing you, or pull out of a tra p.

Any cop would be insulted when he sees it and most definitly give you a ticket. If it's not there, you can use normal tactics to talk your way out of a ticket.

Other tricks to get out of a ticket:

Pull over ASAP, but not if it's dangerous. Turn into a non-busy parking lot if y ou can, or if you can turn onto a side road without driving too far, do it. Don' t forget the officer has to get in behind you. Take that into account. Also, pul l over as far as possible. The officer will not pull over as far because they us e their patrol car as a shield to deflect oncoming traffic.

Turn your parking lights on and your engine OFF. Roll down ALL your windows and turn on all the lights in your car. Stay in your car. Keep your hands where the officer can see them, but not on your roof, felon. The top of your steering whee l is fine. Turn your stereo off.

Again, in NJ, cops prefer you not turn off your engine. Not that, just saying fo r reference.

You never know why you were pulled over unless it's painfully obvious. Ask permi ssion and/or tell the officer everything you are doing; "my licence is in my poc ket, let me grab that for you." "My wallet is in my gym bag in back, mind if I g rab it?" "My registration is in my glove box, let me grab that." (leave the glov e box open until your registration is back in it) Do things slowly, but promptly . Be sure to accidentally hand him a picture of your kids with your licence. The n point it out "Oops, my kid would cry if I lose his picture, can I have that ba ck?"

Above all, be polite! Address The officer as 'Officer' Not sir or Ma`am.

If the officer looks like they are going to write a ticket, ask for a warning! A cknoledge that you may have broken the law, but not intentionally. "I don't norm ally take this route, officer, I must have missed the sign" NEVER "I was in a hu

rry" Don't blame your car, your thottle, cruise control. That's a good way to ge t an additional fix-it ticket.

If you are female, turn on the waterworks. Cry your eyes out, but not hysterics! Not to sound sexist, but this really works. Don't do it right away, only after the officer looks like he is going to give you a ticket.

I've been pulled over around a dozen times. How many tickets have I had? 1. I di d the above and nothing else, and got out of a 73 in a 55 ticket.

Just keep in mind, the officer is just doing his job. If you get a ticket, suck it up and learn from your mistakes.

If you hit ice, you pump and steer. You break a bit, then steer. Break a bit, th en steer. The trick is knowing you have to let go of the breaks and steer. Finni sh drivers have to take so many mandatory ice / slippery condition handling cour ses to get a driver's license we know this stuff in our sleep.

A tire sliding ire forcefully u to lose grip to fishtail or

across something has a much better chance to regain grip than a t spinning across something. The spinning of the tire will cause yo before it does any significant melting and most likely cause you understeer depending whether you have RWD or FWD.

Another technique is to practice threshold braking. Where you learn to feel whee

l lock up and slightly back off the brakes (but don't let go) to allow the locke d up wheel to roll again. Then reapply full pressure on the brakes until just be fore the locking point. This takes practice, but is more effective since static friction is greater than kinetic friction.

Also if one wheel locks up you can still steer to some degree so don't freak out . If two lock up it's time for the above.

Of course, you only need to do this if your car doesn't have ABS. If it does, yo u just need to brake steadily, as the "pumping" action is built in.

Always be in the proper gear for the exit of the corner before you start turning into the corner. Changing gears in the corner can lead to easy mistakes and a b ad situation.

Learn how to heel & toe if you have a manual, it's fun and if you do it right yo u won't burn your clutch out any faster. There are lots of tutorials Google can show you but if someone wants I could type it out.

Don't be afraid of driving no matter what the road conditions; white knuckle dri vers are more dangerous than drivers who are confident and experienced. Join you r local autocross club and meet some of the people. You will be amazed at what y ou can learn by watching and listening to them. Racing your car through some con es is also a great way to become more confident and an overall better driver. It will cure your OMG2FAST2FURIOUS urges at the same time.

Don't forget to check your fluid levels and tire pressures often. Maintaining th e proper levels of both will go a long way to saving you money. Proper tire pres sure will save you gas money, and your tires will last longer.

Your car battery is getting old, hmmm? Not a lot of cranking power left, damn. A ND it's cold out. AND you have fire that sucker up and be on your way at 3 a.m.

Try this: before turning the key, turn the headlights on for a few seconds.

It might seem counter-intuitive, but it works.

The turning on of headlights thing is called "boot-strapping", as in "picking yo urself up by the bootstraps". (source: Whole Earth Catalog, many years ago) It w arms the battery slightly and provides a bit more cranking amps for the initial starting attempt.

In Florida, cure frost on the windshield by spraying the windshield with the hos e.

DON'T throw hot water on your windshield if it has ice on it. I did that and it cracked it pretty bad.

Rubbing alcohol melts ice instantly. put it in a spray bottle and spray on.

Riding Motorcycles or Bicycles: Learn to use both your brakes. Most people only use front brakes on a bicycle. You will flip over someday during hard braking. F or motorcycles, learn to use the front more than the rear.

For cars:

DON'T warm up your car by idling in your driveway. This causes nasty shit to bui ld up in your engine and if you do it for years, it just wont be as effecient. D rive your car around at low rpms to warm up your car.

DON'T baby your car during the break in period. It is not bad to bring the engin e to redline every now and then. It is actually good for the engine, proven by m any people, that the engine seals expand much better when it is exposed the full range of what it is capable of. The thing you don't want to do is keep it under 3000 rpm during break-in, because I gaurantee you that your piston rings won't seat evenly. My family cars over 100k miles run like champs, and my new cars get broken in the same. Highway driving is bad for new cars, because usually you'll drive at a fixed RPM, which means again, the piston rings will not seal fully a nd you'll burn oil in the later days.

Pump your gas when it's cold. It's better to pump cold gas into your car over ho t gas. Why? The pumps count volume, not density. Cold gas is more dense, thus yo

u get more of it. Trust me. It will keep your wallet a little more obese like th e rest of your fat lazy ass.

I would like to point out that (at least around here) gasoline is stored undergr ound, which tends to maintain a constant temperature (tons of dirt = insulator a nd thermal buffer, hence the energy efficiency of underground houses), regaurdle ss of the outside temperature. Pump gas on a hot day and feel how cool the nozzl e is. With that being said, the part that measures how much gas you've pumped is not underground, and will warm the gas slightly. Gasoline does expand quite a b it when the temperature increases slightly. Speedracer does have a good idea.

Higher octane does shit for your car if it doesn't need it. Don't put 93 octane gas in your car if it doesn't need it. It will not give you more horsepower. Ins tead it'll leave deposits in your engine.

Also, another gas tip: Generally speaking, convenience store/gas station gas is shit. Not only did my truck sound like it had a rockin' case of pneumonia when I used it, but common sense says if all the other gas is $1.75 and the 7/11/WaWa/ etc. is selling the same octane for $1.30, there's got to be a significant diffe rence.

It's not a claim, just a fact. Fuel combustion will not be complete at that low of rpms. Fuel will condense on the cylinder walls, ruining oil and sparkplugs.

I will almost bet that a car running on rollers (like those motor oil commercial s) for 5 hours straight will come out with a cleaner, healthier engine than a ca r that idles for 5 hours straight.

If you live in a part of the country where snow is a regular thing during the wi nter, do yourself a favor and find a large, open parking lot the next time you g et an inch or two. Drive up there, and practice inducing spins and then steering out of them. At minimum, half an hour of this is as good as gold, but ideally y ou should do it until it becomes second nature for either direction at most any speed. It's a lot more helpful than reading a description of how to do so.

Most new cars don't need to be "warmed up," but if you give the engine 30 second s for the oil pump to start running before you drive off, it will be good for yo ur car in the long term. That's just enough time to put in a new CD or flip thro ugh your radio presets.

Driving stick is more fun. If the car's got a little power, it's even better. Ev en if you don't drive it, go learn.

Always keep in mind that there are sensors under the street at stop lights. I to ld my girlfriend this once while she was driving and cursing the light for stayi ng red. I told her to pull up a little bit to trip the sensor - and she explains to me that it's just an urban legend.

It baffles me that people would think that stop lights would just -turn- for no real reason, giving a major intersection a red light to give a green light to a less-congested street that has no one on it.

So--for the record--there are sensors under the street that tell indicate to the light to change.

A lot of lights are based on timed schedules. It really depends on where you liv e, I think. Even if the ones near you have pressure sensors they're not going to be triggered by the car pulling up "a little bit." Induction Loop sensors.

If it's snowing heavily at night and you're driving on a deserted road, turn you r headlights off. This will make it easier to see the road, since all the headli ghts are doing is bouncing off the snowflakes and whiting out your field of view . There's usually enough ambient light to make out the white track of the road.

ELECTRONICS

When your ultra expensive headphones start seperating at the weakest part, where the wires connect left to right, if you melt candle wax over the rupture point, allow to harden, then chip away carefully any unnecessary crap, you will have a lovely fossilised piece of loose wiring which is unable to loosen any further. ANd you can pretend you have a prehistoric mosquito trapped in amber hanging fro m your neck.

Use chopsticks when you're eating cheese doodles, and your keyboard won't be sti cky and yukky.

French fries with lots of ketchup also work best with chop sticks. No mess! Jodo Kaast knows about this.

Don't bother stealing the earphones from a plane, the plastic that looks like it 's housing wires is actually hollow and just carries sound to your ears from a s peaker (not sure if this applies to all airlines)

The dremel is the most useful tool in the universe.

Don't put stick-on labels on ripped DVD's

If you are like me and get electric shocks constantly no matter where you are, g round yourself with a little slap against whatever metal object instead of just touching. You'll feel the tap more than the shock.

Computer buying advice

If you have to skimp on something to save some money, skimp on the CPU. Stepping back a few speeds from the top will save you a fortune (often 50-80% of the CPU price), and you probably will never notice the difference. The CPU is probably the least important component these days for general usage. (Within reason - obv iously you won't want to run Windows XP on a Pentium 100.) Need high performance ? Get as much RAM as you can afford, up to 512MB or 1GB.

Never skimp on the monitor. The monitor is the single most important component. You stare at it constantly when you're using your computer, so get one that will fit the amount of space you have, provide you with enough space to work with al l of your programs comfortably, and run your intended resolution at or above 85 Hz refresh rate. Lower than that and you're causing eyestrain.

Get a good-quality, comfortable keyboard and mouse. Again, you'll be touching th ese things a lot, so you might as well spend the extra money (from the CPU reduc tion ) to get nice ones that fit your hands and your computing style.

Laser printers cost more up front, but they'll save you a bundle over their life spans. Toner is many, many, many times cheaper than ink.

High-end computer speakers are a waste of money. If space isn't extremely restri cted, the best computer speakers are regular stereo speakers hooked up to a regu lar stereo or receiver. You can connect your computer to the unit's RCA inputs w ith a $3 cable from Radio Shack. Even if you don't have a stereo to use for this , buying one is a lot cheaper than buying high-end computer speakers, which can run $200-300.

This is true, but make sure the speakers are magnetically shielded or keep them way the fuck away from your computer and monitor. Move them slowly towards your monitor from two feet away and you'll know pretty damn quick whether they are or not. (My idiot brother had his stereo speaker sitting on top of his TV for mont hs. He was amazed when I moved it and the corner was no longer pink.)

If your CRT monitor or TV gets really wack, you can take it to a computer or TV repair place and they can use their magical degaussing wands to probably fix it.

When you're thinking about buying a component upgrade, like a new CPU, give it t he following test:

If someone came into my place when I wasn't here and swapped the new one out wit h the one I have now, but everything looked the same, how long would it take me to notice?

If it's longer than a couple of days, it's probably not worth it. I underclocked my 1333 MHz CPU to 1000 MHz to test some memory, and accidentally left it that way for 2 weeks. I didn't notice until I saw a program report my system speed as 1000 MHz. And I'm a power user. Similarly, ask yourself the following question, especially when deciding between a high-end part and a regular part:

This will give me a X% increase in whatever, Y% of the time. Is X% for Y% of the time worth the $P cost?

Actually, apply that to everything you buy, not just computers.

Never buy high-end cables, and never buy cables at retail. Cables have higher pr ofit margins than almost everything except extended warranties. Despite what the marketing and sales people will tell you, there is no difference. It's been sci

entifically proven many times. It's all placebo. Hooking up some speakers? Get l amp cord at a hardware store by the foot from the big reels. Need a computer cab le? Order it from a wholesaler online such as Newegg. That USB cable that your p rinter requires will cost you $25 at Staples and $1.50 at Newegg.

Back up all of your important files onto something external (CDR/RW, DVDR/RW, or external hard drive; not a floppy) at least once a week. These things are dirt cheap, and hard drives fail a lot these days. This leads me to a more general st atement: Never keep important data in only one place. This applies logically - k eep multiple copies on multiple media - and spatially - keep some copies in a pl ace other than your room. Scale this up depending on how important the data is for example, you may want to keep invaluable, mission-critical data on magnetooptical media and put one in a safe deposit box, one in your parents' house, and one with your uncle in New York. But MP3s and porn are probably safe on recorda ble CDs or DVDs in a rack next to your computer.

Learn how to use Pagemaker (or QuarkXpress, or any good desktop publishing softw are) Increase the font size ever so slightly (.5 pts), font width width ever so slightly (5% i think was the magic number), the space between letters ever so sl ightly (5% again), increase the width between lines ever so slightly, move the s ide margins in about 1/16th of an inch. Bam, 13 pages out of 10. None of the cha nges are noticeable enough that your teachers will notice. It will save you when you can't make the page minimum though.

Habits

Never go to the grocery store on an empty stomach. It seems an unimportant and i ntuitive thing, but make a habit of it.

Leaving studying for midterms until Super Bowl Sunday is a bad idea.

Wipe off guitar strings after use.

Open bananas from the other end.

After shaving, store your razor with the blade dunked in rubbing alcohol. This k eeps it from rusting and you can get many more good shaves before changing blade s. I've been doing this for a few months now and only change the blade maybe eve ry 6 weeks.

Sleep more than you think you should, always. Don't wake yourself up in the midd le of a sleep cycle unless you have to get up, it will fuck you up worse than an ything else. Sleep cycles are only 90 minutes long.

Having said that, when you set your alarm give yourself 15 minutes to fall aslee p then time out how much you want to sleep in increments of 90 minutes. You'll f eel more refreshed sleeping 3 hours than 4. And if you're going to power nap, do not do it for more than 20 minutes at a time.

The reason you wake up groggy as fuck when you screw up this order is that your brain literally "slows down" during certian parts of the sleep cycle, and it can take hours for your rudely awakened brain to "catch up".

During alpha and REM sleep (the first and last parts of the sleep cycle) your br ain is functioning at the same wave level as when you're awake... which also mea ns you're forming memories, which is why this is the only part of sleep where yo u remember your dreams.

Wear a hat in the wintertime, it's probably the most important article of clothi ng you'll wear the whole season. 80% of the heat being expelled by your body com es from your head.

Always learn the side-streets if you travel on a major thoroughfare. They can, o ccasionally, be less congested.

If you are going to fly, take some saltwater spray for your nose with you. The a ir in the cabin is very dry.

Don't keep your money in your wallet. In fact, right now, go through your wallet and take out everything you really NEED. Should be one credit card, maybe a deb it card, an ID, an insurance card (or two), and maybe a work / school ID. Put th em in your pocket, and put your wallet in a drawer. Why? Nine words: "Give me yo ur fucking money before I kill you. This way, you hand the nice mugger cash, and he gets nothing else

How often do you get mugged? Boy, somebody is a little overly worried about thin gs. Why don't you just always keep $20 in your back pocket for muggers and then just keep the wallet, if you're so paranoid? It'll be your 'mugging money.'

I think you'd also run into trouble with, "no, gimme your whole wallet," "dude, I don't have wallet!" "bullshit you don't!" if you were actually mugged.

I've heard that keeping a second, cheapo wallet with a twenties in it is good fo r this. "Give me your wallet!" and you hand them the crappy wallet. Meanwhile, y our good wallet with all the stuff and, in fact, most of your money is safe in s ome non-obvious spot.

Speaking of mugging... if you or someone you know gets mugged, has their purse s natched, whatever, if you look around in dumpsters and trash cans within the nex t block or two, you'll probably find the wallet/purse. It won't have any cash in it (and maybe not any credit cards), but at least you won't have to replace you r driver's license, ID cards, library cards, whatever, which is 99% of the pain in the ass about being robbed (aside from the victimization thing).

Always keep a photocopy of the cards and IDs in your wallet. That way, it it's e ver stolen, or lost, you'll not only know everything you lost, but also your ID numbers, as well as important numbers to call.

It's one thing to lose $50 in cash, it's another to replace every card in your w allet and have to go to the goddamn DMV again.

Pour salt on your napkin when consuming a cold beverage at a restaurant to avoid

the infamous "napkin-clinging-to-bottom-of-beverage syndrome."

Say, for instance, you're pounding a wooden stake or pole into the ground with a hammer, and it falls out/over a few times. Eventually the top of the pole will get cracked and frayed--a way to stop that from happening is to place a board ov er the pole and hammer the board. This also stops you from pounding the shit out of your hands and/or missing the pole and damaging something else with the hamm er.

Get a relatively thin, preferably plaid robe and wear it as often as possible. T hey're so comfortable! Also, wear pajama pants whenever socially acceptable.

Get a couch for your computer. It's better this way.

Read wirednews.com every day.

Smokers: Either develop a taste for menthols, or find a cheap brand of cigarette s you like that nobody else does. This will drastically cut down on the amount o f people who try to bum smokes off you. If somebody asks, just show them the pac k and they will be like "Newports? Pfft, never mind."

When you hear your alarm clock go off, wake the fuck up. If you don't, you'll fe al like crap for the rest of the day and will probably ruin anything you had pla nned. do tryick your self into believing that those extra five minutes are gonna

reviatilize you for the rest of the day. What works best is to have you alarm c lock situated across the room, that or have it play something loud like a window shattering or gunshots. I have my Cd player loaded with a special wake up disk that contains every horrible sound imaginable.

Also if you can't go to sleep early just don't go to sleep at all. Finish anythi ng else tht might keep you awake for tommorow, watch a movie you've ben meaning to watch and drink a lot of warm tea. Then when it's time to go just drink a lot of cold liquids and Warm tea and take a nap at lunch.

Drinking coffee or tea at a restaurant, and there's a bit of liquid in the sauce r under your cup that keeps dripping when you drink? Tear off a bit of napkin an d put it in the saucer -- instant drip-proofing.

If you need to leave your car in an area where you think it might get stolen, re move some small but vital part like the fuse for the fuel pump.

If you get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, before you turn th e light on close one eye. When you've turned the light back off close the open e ye and open the other. That way your closed eye is still used to the darkness an d you can see where you're going. Although, this ruins your depth perception and you piss on the floor. It's a trade-off, really.

Tie your plastic grocery bag handles at the top before putting them in the trunk of your car. That way you won't have rutabegas and ky jelly and bologna all spr ead out all over when you get home because you drive like a maniac.

Don't worry about something that MAY happen. It may not, and then you just waste d all that time worrying over nothing. If it actually DOES happen, then you can skip worry and just deal with it. stress--

Fold the laundry between the dryer and the basket. It comes out of the dryer wri nkle-free, so folding it now cuts WAY down on ironing later.

If you love her, tell her. As often as possible and with all the feeling you can muster. The last thing at night, and the first thing in the morning.

Never doubt yourself or your abilities.

Read every last line of any contract anyone gives you ever. Even if you are not a lawyer, not everything can be hidden with some obscure legal moon language. Lo ok for any term or phrase that implies a time limit or an absolute guarantee of some sort. If it is a huge 400 page contract written by as many lawyers, then yo u should get some one who was at least at law school to take a glance at it.

Always get an agreement on paper. Even if it's for lending your parents or best friend your car for a day or two. Even if it's just a piece of paper with a few scribled lines and a signature. A signed piece of paper is as good as a video of the event in question.

Multi level marketing schemes are the devil. If some one offers a way to make mo ney quickly, and they refuse to give you any details; tell them to fuck off.

Open a bank account, put a hundred dollars in it. Then put the atm card in a box somewhere. Having a hundred dollars that no one knows about could save your lif e.

Go to a shooting range and learn how to load and fire a pistol and a shotgun. Ev en if you are vehemently opposed to firearms, knowing how they work won't kill y ou. It will cost around ~50 bux to rent the guns and then buy some ammo.

A very good tip for long distance (travelers) drivers: For every 2 hours of driv ing take at least a 10 minute break, even if you don't have to go to the bathroo m, or aren't hungry.

For college students: Fucking do your homework. If it's just reading and you are a lazy fat fuck, then at least skim it. It will help you more than just stalkin g that girl you can never get. Besides, you might actually learn something. Pay attention in class too, retard. Also, get the fuck out of your dorm room. Nobody likes boring ass shits who sit around. For god sakes if you do happen to get a girlfriend, do not forget about your friends. If you spend every minute of your life with her and nobody else, no one will want to hang out with you anymore. I' ve seen this happen to many people, it is not good.

Always Always ALWAYS carry these two things on you.

1: A good knife.

It doesn't matter if people give you wierd looks, having a knife on you will sim plify your life 100 fold. There are so many uses for it daily that you won't eve n realize untill you carry one with you. I suggest just a plain folder, the kind with the blade that has the bump / hole on it so your thumb can swing it open, swiss army knives are irritating to get open and all the extra tools are horribl y over-rated. Trust me when I say this, carry a knife.

2: A Sharpie Marker.

You might not think this, but a sharpie is also another amazing tool. You never know when you might need to sharpie something. Honestly I find about 2+ uses for it daily. These things are great for many purposes. A sharpie will write on ANY THING making them perfect for labeling. They are also excellent for drawing on s kin, MUCH better than a pen, making them perfect for getting phone numbers (real ly good because there's no chance of it coming off from washing your hands or da ncing and getting sweaty, situations where pen WILL just come right off).

Also, while not necessary, instead of carrying gum with you, carry Listerine Poc ket Packs. They take up a lot less space, won't get all minty and gross, and kil l bad breath like none other.

All you have to do it put the strip about 3/4ths of the way back on your tongue and then after it fully disolves circulate the minty salive around your mouth an d teeth, then swallow slowly, making sure to coat the way back of your tongue.

I thought part of the point was that you could offer somebody gum with less risk of offending them than if you offered them a breath freshening product, but it would still get the job done.

Learn how to do basic maintenance/upkeep on your car. Oil/brake pad changes shou ld be enough to start. Take an hour or two and read a manual or have someone sho w you. It isn't rocket science, and getting ripped off by some douchebag mechani c sucks.

Always pull ratchets/wrenches toward you when possible (rather than push) to avo id skinned knuckles.

Always put a little bit of dry gas in your fuel tank in the winter. And never le t your gas get TOO low on cold nights

Keep good friends close when traveling alone. Seems like RPG advice but it can a nd will save your ass many times. If you're with at least one other person, you' re much much more safe.

Never, ever fart underneath the covers in bed with a woman. This is called a "Du tch Oven" and when you wake up in the morning and she lifts up the covers she ca n and will think you shit the bed.

The "Covered Wagon" is no good either. This is a situation similar to the dutch oven, however, instead of relying on stealth and heat to claim your victim, you instead pull the covers over your victims head.

If it is snowing outside people will pay good money for you to shovel their driv eway.

Playing bad accoustic guitar and singing DMB songs with it will NOT get you laid

Remote car starters are the single greatest invention, ever

If you go to a friends house and you have something you don't want in your pocke ts, but need to remember where it is, put it in your shoes. Chances are you'll e ither take them off or they'll ask you to take them off anyways. The same thing applies to leaving the house. If you have something you need to remember to take to school/work the next day, put it in your shoes.

It really is a great idea, just dont forget where your shoes are.

If your ever in NYC going through a shitty neighborhood on a bus, don't sit in t he back. Everyone I know that got robbed on NYC buses were sitting in the back.

OF course, this applies for a lot of places, not only NYC. If you're not familia r with the place or bus route don't sit in the back.

American Express has a satisfaction guaranteed like policy. If you buy a defecti ve or unwanted product which the original company wont refund, they will refund you by the first 30 days.

Credit cards are the fucking devil; it's indebted servitude--the minimum payment isn't even paying for what you bought, only a portion of the interest so that y ou the total always increases, and interest is charged on the total, not on just what you bought, so the less you pay, the more interest builds up, and the more in debt you are. And for longer, too. So just don't be stupid. And checks depos ited after 2:00pm don't go into your account until the next day, so any checks o ver the current day's limit will bounce. Bad for your credit history.

Masterlocks might be hard , but they are easy as hell to clip.

Dont put your alarm clock near your bed. This will result in you simply pressing snooze and going but to sleep. Put your alarm clock on the other side of your r oom so you are forced to get up and walk around.

When your in chem lab, wear your goggles if anyone near you is still experimenti ng. You might be done but that does not mean that the idiot bitch next you isn't stirring a strong base on full power with full heat.

If you occasionally feel like feeding the hungry looking guy with the sign at th

e intersection, don't give him money. Your desire to help him get some hot food may end up being exploited to get things you don't intend.

Carry meal coupons to local restraunts. Its real hard to exchange a $5.00 Quizno s coupon for alchohol or drugs, but it will get them a toasted sub.

If you're ever stuck in the snow without water, don't drink the snow.

No matter how bad your artwork is in your eyes, don't destroy it. Many great art works were lost because of great artists' paranoia. (and even if your art does s uck, it makes great conversation pieces for your parents when you bring a love i nterest over. Oh, wait...)

Don't buy a cheap gun that shoots expensive ammo. Buy a slightly costlier weapon that shoots stuff you can get for pennies. That way you won't be tempted to sel l your precious when you can't afford to feed it gold plated chickens' teeth any more. I really miss my MN M-44 Car Fricken $7 for 20 shots...

Good knives generally don't look all that pretty, and the best generally look a bit crude- that is, sturdy rather than flashy.

Cooking hotdogs and marshmallows over a little campfire is more relaxing/revital izing than -x-.

Always cary a lighter and something to wright down phone numbers, (marker, pen a nd paper, cell phone)

Drink water all day (8-10 glasses). Taking short breaks (you will piss a bit mor e) every hour or so will increase your mental productivity. It is also good for your kidneys and your colon.

If you do carry a wallet (I really think if a mugger wants your money it doesn't matter where you stick it, if it's not up your ass he's gonna get it), carry a small one (thin) It can really hurt your back when you are sitting lopsided all day.

Never cut your toenails so they are rounded, (the way you cut your fingernails) They are more brittle and if you cut them with too rounded of a shape you can ge t ingrown toenails.

Sleep on your stomach if you've been drinking

Before you go to bed when you're drunk, chug a big glass of water and eat a bana na or two. If you don't like bananas then take a pill with potasium, and eat a p ackage of soda crakers. The big glass of watter is going to wake you up in about 3 hours to go take a pee, when you pee, chug another glass of water. You should wake up after about 6-8 hours with no hangover, works incredibly well. Doctors have backed me up on this.

It's been said before to do your fucking homework, but more importantly, go to c lass. It's virtually impossible to get a 'D' or worse if you go to class and pay attention (in college). There are some exceptions to this one, but for the most part, schools these days have gone to the philosophy that there students are pa ying for their education and not earning it.

Sneak more vegetables into your food, even if it's just the lettuce in your sand wich.

Which leads me to my next point: avoid clichs like the plague.

Keep a blanket and a snack in your car, not just for emergencies, but for whatev er.

Pick up hitchhikers. The chances of anything bad happening are astronomically lo w (caveat: if you are a young woman, use some discretion at night), and hitchhik ing fucking sucks, and on that note...

STOP LIVING IN FEAR. Stop double bolting your door, stop checking all your windo ws before you go to sleep, stop carrying a gun, stop jumping at shadows, stop ca rrying a flashlight with you everywhere at night - you live on a fucking college campus in the middle of nowhere for fuck's sake you stupid, ignorant bit... sor ry. Unless you live in the ghetto of some huge city where bad shit REALLY DOES H

APPEN on a regular basis. ALWAYS be paranoid about your door locks and windows i n that case. I've been robbed twice and each time it was because I got complacen t about my windows being unlocked.

There's also a difference between locking your door and double bolting it. I'm s aying don't live under the assumption that someone could come break down your do or at any minute. The odds of that happening are not high. A determined burglar will find a way in anyhow, just keep honest people honest. I'm just saying... ya know.

The media in America has six hundred percent more violence in it than ten years ago, and violent crimes have gone down twenty percent across the board. The medi a is making you live in fear.

Stop watching TV. You may watch a few shows a week, but stop just turning it on and tuning out the world. And mute the commercials when you do. It's trite, but read a book, go for a walk, draw something, write a song, write a poem, call an old friend you haven't talked to in a while, learn to cook a new dish, learn to cook, invite a friend over to watch a movie, do your taxes (it's also good to ke ep a list of things you need to get done for times when you're bored).

Break out of the system. Next time you do something you are supposed to do, stop and ask "Why?" If you can't come up with anything better than "Because," don't do it.

The black punk with a do-rag and his belt around his knees is no more likely to fuck you over than the white dude in the expensive suit with the Armani tie - he 'll probably just be more straightforward about it.

As for the guy in the suit being just as dangerous as the shady looking guy... T he guy in the suit most likely isn't in a desperate life situation. If your gut is telling you something's wrong, something's wrong.

That said, always go with your gut.

Of course, neither is the shady looking guy necessarily as dangerous either, and the dude in the suit is more likely to have contributed to the fucked up situat ion the other one is in (cure the disease, not the symptoms).

Anyway, it's easy to pick apart vast overgeneralizations because they are stupid and I shouldn't make them anymore. I'm sorry.

Think, goddammit. You don't do it enough.

Listen to the viewpoints of others seriously, even if you don't agree with them. Try to learn to look at things from the point of view of others, if only so you can understand why they're wrong (or, God forbid, why you're wrong - yes, it ha ppens).

Furthermore, learn to apologize. Swallow your pride and do it. It will make your life so much better in the end.

Slow down.

Get involved in politics, if just a few hours a month at a local level. The way it stands right now in the U.S., the country is controlled by a rich white guys. 99% of us are not rich white guys. If you don't understand why this is fucked u p, you are proof that something needs to change. And you can change things, if y ou're marginally clever about it.

Think about the actions you take every day and what effect they have on the worl d. Find out where your dollars go after they hit the cash register and whether o r not you like their destination.

Recycling is a cop out. Odds are, the shit you've carefully sorted will all get thrown in the landfill anyway. Print on the other side of the paper instead of s ticking it in the bin.

Actually listen to the music.

Put a small piece of fruit in your weed jar, it will moisten your shit almost in stantly.

GET A FUCKING VAPORIZER IF YOU SMOKE POT EVERY DAY.

Before embarking on a long drive, give your car a once over: checking tires, lig hts, fluids... and have a spare fucking tire -A real one and the shit to change it with, not just a donut .

This won't be useful to too many people, but try to keep a 'go bag' in your vehi cle. Include like 20 bucks emergency money, a blanket, a full change of clothes, lighter, bottled water, some sort of non-perishable food (MRE's are perfect if you can get them), flashlight and batteries, a jacknife, bungie cords or a good length nylon rope, and anything else you can possibly think of that you might ne ed. If you ever need to take off in a hurry, you've got pretty much everything y ou might need already in the car.

If you've got a bad memory, always carry a notebook and pen with you, also leave notes for yourself on your front door. Or if you're like me and are never hatle ss, leave notes in your hat. Hats also make good collection points for your glas ses, wallet, keys and lighter when it's time for bed.

Don't join the military unless you have no other options.

At night, always keep things where you can find them in the dark.

If you go snowshoing, make sure you pack light. And the clothes you're going to be taking off. I have a Michigan, on Lake Superior, wearing nothing but my rld behind me looks like planet Hoth. You work up a

leave room in your pack for picture of me up in northern pants and my pack and the wo sweat like none other.

In chess, opening with king's pawn frees your bishop and queen, if you like to g et them out early.

More abstractly: if something works for you 100% of the time, keep it. If it doe sn't work, fix it. If you can't fix it, get rid of it.

Bass players - Don't be afraid to pedal on the root. It's there for a reason.

Nine times out of ten, you get what you pay for. The reason they can afford to s ell brand X cheaper is because they're using lower quality stuff to make it, not because they've got magical cost-cutting pixies working for them. It ain't alwa ys a bad thing, but never be surprised when cheaper = worse.

However, don't get cheated out of your money. Nike makes their shoes for $1.39 p er pair in Indonesia but sells them for over a hundred. Not worth it. CDs cost l ess to manufacture than magnetic tape, but they are more expensive than audio ca settes? There's another rip.

Once in a while use your left hand. Feels like a handjob from a friendly strange r.

To go along with the 'put stuff in your shoes' suggestions, if you want to remem ber something for the next day, or if you have leftover lunch at work and you pu t it in the fridge and then you always always forget it until its rotten and now you wasted 5 bucks cause you bought the 2 foot hoagie thinking 'wow, this could be dinner for three nights so ill put it in the fridge...'

Anyway, to avoid that put your car keys inside the lunch bag, or under* whatever you want to remember. Id like to see you leave work and forget your lunch now, asshole.

* -- Under, not on top of. You'd be surprised how easily you'll pick your keys u p off of impotant documents/money/your wallet/etc and still forget it.

Always appear calm. Don't let anything break your composure, even if you're nerv ous or scared. People will respect you more if you can keep your cool, and it ca n often prevent mistakes.

If your at a party and you don't know anyone, make it a point to meet the host a nd introduce yourself. The host can introduce you to other guys/girls and it sco res you points so you get invited back.

Keep a towel in your car. You never know when you'll need it, but every time you do you'll be glad you had it.

Go down to the DMV and get an extra identification card. That way, if you lose y our wallet, you can still go to the bank to get money and to the bar to get booz e.

Allow technology to help you. When a new way of doing something by way of a new gadget or computer comes along, don't resist it. Be the first to understand how it works. If you're handy enough, you can build yourself a GPS computer system a nd put it in your car, and you'll never get lost. We are in the 21st century, do n't be afraid to use the ATM and look things up on the internet.

If you are a cynic, use your cynicism to bring out humor in bad situations. Do t his with the truth in mind that not everyone will appreciate cynical humor. My g irlfriend, for example, does not.

Defintely pirate(download) music (especially music you've never heard). The more music you listen to, the better off you are. I shouldn't have to tell any peopl e on these forums this, but there is quite a bit more out there than Top 40 hits and whatever they play on the alternative station. Music industry profits have actually gone up despite what the news says(check the public records, stupid!) s ince file sharing because people have been exposed to new, good music and have b ought more of it.

Try to be organized. No, really. It helps. It's easiest on the computer, with fo lders to seperate .exe installers, zip/rar files, movies, and music. If you foll ow through and do it outside of the computer, you will be tidier and you will lo se stuff far less often.

Don't eat fast food. It's okay every once in a while, but that shit's bad for yo u. You wouldn't try to run your car off of rubbing alcohol, would you? Pay extra to put premium fuel in your tank; I'm not talking about your car. Eat stuff wit h less grease. If you get a small amount of exercise and eat stuff that isn't to tal trash, you'll feel better.

If theres something you really need to remember the next day, put a weird object in a weird place. It helps you to remember anything. Sometimes I put a basketba ll on my alarm clock or make a tower of books on my desk, anything that will cue you to remember. (Make sure the basketball doesn't touch your snooze button or you will never wake up and be late for work)

If you're in a foreign country, never assume that a particular type of humor is universal. Your clever sarcastic comment might not go over well at all if the li stener isn't familiar with the concept of sarcasm.

This is an important point, and I urge all of you to take it on board. It applie s to simple comments people'd normally ignore, too; I was once punched in the fa ce for saying how ridiculously lazy a country must be if it needed a Monorail to get from one building to another.

Keep a disposable camera in your glove compartment.

A couple people said that you get what you pay for, however there is a major exc eption to keep in mind. Store Brand medicines. I'm talking about safeway brand I buprofen Or Fred Meyer brand pepto bismol. Many people aren't aware that these a re the exact same stuff as the name brand, just in a different bottle. Usually y ou will either get more for the same price or the same amount, just much cheaper . It's the same stuff everywhere, so don't pay for Nyquil when the (insert store here) Night time cough medicine is cheaper.

To clear your sinuses, eat a lot of wasabi. It will hurt like hell, but your sin uses clear almost instantaneously.

If it's free, take it. It doesn't matter what it is. A condom, a diaphragm, a pi nk marker, a set of guitar strings, whatever. If it won't cost you anything, no reason not to have it.

Not really a trick, but I'm amazed at people who turn down free shit.

If you're considering buying porn online, masturbate FIRST and then decide if yo u really want to hit "Place Order."

PITCH controls airpseed and THROTTLE controls altitude.

Invest in a really good nonstick pan, and treat it right. It will become your be st friend.

When you're at the beach or public pool, always put your wallet and keys IN YOUR SHOES! (????)

If you're going to the gym or running, tie your key in your shoe laces. Make sur e to double knot.

Dress warm when skydiving. The windchill sucks. Also, your first instinct will b e to look straight at the ground while free falling. Instead, try to focus on th e horizon for a much better view of everything.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Beware stupid people in large numbers.

Try to avoid starting sentences with the word "this" when you write. Your style will generally improve. On a similar note for essays, when you finish try replac ing your opening paragraph with your closing paragraph and see if the essay impr oves.

Always remember that neutral pH is 7.

Brush your teeth in the shower. It's much easier. Seriously.

As well as brushing your teeth in the shower, shave. With all the steam and pipi ng hot water your bristles will be soft and easier to cut.

Shave in the shower -- shaving is best accomplished when your skin is moist and soft, and the hot water and steam of a hot shower is the best time. Get yourself a small hangable fog-free mirror and keep it in there, along with your razor.

NEVER try brushing your teeth and shaving at the same time. It's like a version of "Pat you head rub, your stomach" with a blade. You will cut yourself.

Never leave the house without looking good -- That one day when you haven't show ered/shaved and are just heading to the grocery store for a few things in your s weats is the day you'll see Miss Perfect in the aisle ahead of you, trying to fi gure out which brand of peanut butter she should buy, giving you, Master of Pean ut Butter, the perfect "in", except YOU LOOK LIKE A SLOB.

Do things you're afraid of -- As long as they don't have long-lasting possible o utcomes (like nicotine addiction, overdose, head-on collisions from driving down the highway on the wrong side you moron) then why not try them?

Don't move your rook's pawns early in the game if you can help it. You'll be lef t with less defense if you need to castle.

Also, contrary to popular belief, the word "ridiculous" is not spelled "rediculo us". (Edit: Not picking on anyone in particular, but I see this mistake everywhe re.)

If a panhandler comes up to you in a gas station, look them in the eyes and don' t take crap form them. They will move on to someone more timid and an easier mar k. Don't smell the cologne samples!

If you are young, get a credit card and tear it up. Just having a credit card wi ll help your credit.

Buying a house if you can afford it and are staying in an area this is a good mo ve. You will pay less in taxes and are building equity. When you rent you won't ever see that money again. A mortgage isn't as expensive as you think. (If you d on't think you are responsible enough to do this, ignore this one)

An often overlooked accesory in paintball is a good fog free mask. These are ext remly important. There is nothing worse than not being able to see in paintball.

Don't play with mercury.

Don't take relationship advice from single people.

True, but married people give the worst dating advice. There's a reason why when a divorce happens, the first people they run to for reprogramming are the singl e folk.

That being said, Hubert the perpetually-single greasy pathetic asshole dungeonma ster probaly isn't the kind of single guy you wanna consult.

It's okay to get US currency wet (e.g. in a swim trunk pocket at resort pool). L ay it out to dry on a towel back in the room and it'll be good as new.

Often when you're playing chess against someone you know to be superior, your be st chance is an unconventional opening. Chances are your opponent knows king's p awn, queen's gambit, etc. better than you do. Try the bird opening.

*Disclaimer: Will probably get you beat faster, and probably worse than you woul d if you'd just played a proper opening. Meh.

Also, endgames are much more important to learn than openings. A good opening wi ll give you a marginal advantage, but knowing when to trade down to an advantage ous endgame is worth a lot more.

Don't recharge phone batteries that are the type from before 2001 until they are empty. Recharging before they are empty will vastly decrease the length of the battery the next time around.

I stay organized by writing on my bedroom mirror. Use a dry-erase marker and it comes off easily. Cheaper than a Day-Timer and I can't miss looking at it.

You can never have enough lights in your room. It just makes it look brighter an d less dingy. But stay away from fluorescent, because its color rendering index (CRI) is shit compared to incandescent (aka regular bulbs). Colors pop out bette r. [/Architectural Engineer]

Avoid the words "interesting" and "basically" in your papers.

And try to eliminate them from your day-to-day speech.

Examine your speech during mundane conversations and recognize the words/phrases that you overuse as filler; strive to avoid thse phrases (y'know, basically, uh , like, etc.)

I found that using a monospace font like Courier does so much more than any of t hose techniques. I used this from high school all the way through Writing 101 in college.

Also, get yourself a bed warmer thing and turn it on an hour before going to bed . Sleep naked with the fan on low. I find it to be fucking terrific. Especially when waking up in the morning.

Try going commando. I find it to be a lot more comfortable once you get used to it. You may hate it, but hey, it's worth a shot.

Life is too short for cheap liquor.

Every month or so, go out to a restaurant you can't afford or do something like that...

If you're under 21, and you've got a liquor hookup, don't forget that someone he lped you out when you turn 21. Return the favor, and hook your younger friends u p.

Same thing goes for pot. If a friend sets you up with a sack, try and find one f or him the next time.

For the people under 21 who can't wait until their 21st birthday, stop thinking about it. You'll be 21 before you know it, so enjoy where you're at.

If you have your own place, spend 15 or 20 minutes a day cleaning up. Dishes and trash pile up QUICK.

Get at least one piece of art (even if it's a framed print) for your apartment/d orm.

Behind every great man is a great woman.

Be nice to your parents.

When backpacking through europe just take a regular backpack with only the pair of jeans you have on, one pair of shorts, three shitty tshirts that you bought a t tourist stands all over the place, like 4 pairs of underwear, and 4 pair of so cks.

Get a calling card if you are traveling.

If you have a really hectic day coming up, just shave the night before.

"Trust in God, but tie up your camel." -arab saying

Appreciate the time when you are younger because if you don't work hard enough t o achieve your dreams that time will become the "good ole days."

Do not shake nail polish before applying them, doing so makes air bubbles appear . Roll them gently in your hands instead.

Always wait for your moisterizer to be completely absorbed before applying found ation, that way your "face" won't slide off in the middle of the day.

Sharpen your eye and lip liner pencils before and especially after you use them. It stops nasty bacteria from growing on them, and if you are in a hurry to use them they are already sharpened from last time.

Press a liberal amount of face powder under your eyes before applying eyeshadow. Brush the extra powder off with the fallen eyeshadow, and you won't look like a panda.

Rest your right pinky on your face and look down into a mirror when you apply ey eliner.

For long lasting lip color: use a lip pencil in a similar shade to your lipstick all over your lips, apply a thin coat of lipstick, blot with a single ply of ti ssue, then apply again.

Spray perfume into your hair for long-lasting fragrance, but don't use too much as alcohol is drying.

Reduce static in your hair by running a piece of used fabric softener paper over it.

Learn how to use basic hand tools. This is near-infinitely useful.

Learn how to fix your own car/computer/toaster oven/washing machine. Become self -sufficent.

Don't base your college/professional career on the potential for money, but rath er on the level of interest you have in the subject at hand.

Kill your TV- watch your useful free-time grow. Spend that time building useful skills and engaging in enriching hobbies/side interests. Who cares what happened on 'Friends'?

Don't attempt to specialize too early. Be a jack of all trades. Enrich your mind by doing a little bit of everything.

Find a hobby/interest that is totally foreign to you and dive in. Repeat once a month; become a well-rounded individual.

Believe in only one thing: your own ability to exercise rationality and skeptici sm. Apply this ability to all religious, dogmatic, patriotic suggestions and BE YOUR OWN MASTER.

If you wear contacts that are not specifically designed to be worn while sleepin g, for God's sake, take them off. I don't care how lazy you are. I used to be la zy about this for a year until I came to my senses. It destroys your eyesight.

Also, your mom was right. Watching TV / reading while lying down is bad for your eyes.

Buy an eyecup and wash your eyes when you wake up and before you go to sleep. Th ey'll feel much fresher and won't get tired so quickly during the day. Bonus poi nts if you find time to wash them during the day.

If you're ever in New Orleans

...on Bourbon Street, any good looking woman you see carrying a gym bag is unava ilable. Why? She's a stripper, and she's on her way to work.

...do not order a drink called "Jester" while you're there. It is made out of ev il.

...Trader Joe's gives away the best samples of any grocery store. You can actual ly get a full frigging meal if you're there at the right time.

...many Krispy Kremes give you a free doughnut just for walking in the damn door . There's your dessert.

Hiking/Climbing tips

On a long hike, bring some corn with you. After three days of walking you'll lov e your fresh popcorn.

There are powdered drinks(just add water)you can buy in pharmacies meant for peo ple recovering from diarrea. Add some of that to your water bottle. Not only wil l it help cover up the taste of your chosen purufication method, but it will giv e you extra elctrolytes and vitamins.

The higher you go, the less air and clouds there is to block out UV radiation. I t may be -10C out, but you will burn at 5000 metres. Wear strong sunblock.

Walking poles, especially the spring loaded variety take a lot of the weight off of your legs. They also help you breathe more efficiently as your arms are elev ated. Get some with a tungten carbide tip. Trust me when I say that they may sav e your life someday. When you're wearing a heavy pack and traversing difficult t errain you do not want to fall.

Resistance Is Character Forming. I love this saying, and I feel that it helps me dozens of times a day. "It is not true that suffering ennobles the character; h appiness does that sometimes, but suffering, for the most part, makes men petty and vindictive." -Somerset Maugham

Don't spend all day on the internet when you've got a project due in on Tuesday that everyone else bar you has finished already.

Keep a diary. It'll help you keep a better track of everything you've got to do, plus in five years time you'll be able to go "What the hell was I thinking?!"

Eating Burgers: If you ever have a problem eating a hamburger with a leaky botto m bun, eat it upside down. The top half of the bun tends to be larger than the b ottom, and much better padded for soaking up burger juices.

If you're going to water your plants with town water, leave the water in an open container overnight, to evaporate the chlorine. Plants don't like that shit. An d make sure it's room temperature, not too hot or too cold, it shocks them.

You can throw clothes in the dryer for about 5 minutes or so to get wrinkles out .

If your shoes get wet, Fill them with newspaper.

Once your socks are wet, you'll never be comfortable. Just take them off and get a dry pair.

Ralphs has really nice roses for about ten dollars.

Don't spend your coin change unless it's absolutely necessary one, coin laundry, etc). Every few months (I go for about 5), and either deposit them in your account, or cash them in for rprised how much you can save, I usually end up with an extra onths.

(ie, using a payph roll your coins up bills. You'd be su 60 bucks every 5 m

I don't know about this from personal experience, but my sister claims that must ard is soothing on a burn.

If you're canoeing, make sure you put your car keys in a watertight vessel that floats.

Most people dont know: red light doesnt affect night vision. You can use a red-l ensed maglite at night, and when you click it off your night vision will still b e fine

During many a Monopoly game, you will have a choice between:

Make a risky deal that has a small chance of winning you the game

Die a slow death, because you haven't the properties to win the marathon

You don't play to not lose. You play to win. Make that deal. Even if you flame o ut, you can go get a drink and enjoy the rest of the game.

Don't play third base in blackjack unless you really know what you're doing. (I still don't)

Don't speed on roads with sidewalks.

Spend time with your grandparents as much as possible. They're full of good info and are wiser than you. They won't be around long, so you should get in all the time you can with them, you'll be a better person for it.

In college, always check the library to see if the teacher is using a test bank!

Never take off your gas mask in the winter until you are inside a warmed buildin g.

In the cold winter if in a heated area make sure to strip to your long-johns unt il you go out. This will ensure you will be warm in the cold weather.

If you have no tent and it is under -20 "tactical" spooning is not gay.

Gortex is your friend and will save your life.

You can buy 4 Tim Hortons coffees and put them in the freezer. Microwaving them when you get off recon makes for a good treat.

Never put your uniform near the fire. You will ruin its IR properties.

If you're an American travelling abroad, put a patch of a Canadian flag on your backpack. You will be treated much more nicely.

If you want free stuff at a movie theatre, just go up and ask for it. Half the t ime they'll just give it to you.

Avoid misery and possible suicide by leaving Luton, Bedfordshire.

If you're willing to see the weirdest shit you'll ever see in your life, take an unopened bag of Corn Nuts and put them in the microwave.

Have a firm handshake.

The number of people out there who just place their limp dick of a hand in yours during an introduction is staggering. They say that a man can be judged by virt ue of his handshake. I'm inclined to agree. Having a dead handshake is a guarant eed bad first impression. You don't need to try and snap all the bones in the ot her guy's hand, but shake hands like you mean it.

And if you want to avoid having your fingers crushed, shove the crook between yo ur thumb and index finger against the crook of their thumb and index finger, and sorta angle your hand and do it fast, too. If you have to think about it, usual ly makes your grip firmer as well.

Corollary: If you ever want to freak someone out, don't release the handshake. L et their hand slide out of yours.

It's one of the creepiest feelings ever.

Get some form of carbon monoxide detector. Houses are funny things.

Don't mix bleach and amonia. Ever.

Don't open up a tv and play with it. The capacitor has a deadly charge even afte r it is unplugged

Relearn childhood skills or hobbies that you decided were stupid. They'll often inexplicably impress people later on.

Always keep a current resum handy, and have one in your drawer in your office tha t you can constantly update(guide will soon appear).

Never use a generic cover letter, it's way more important than you think it is, and never describe yourself as a team player, someone who works well with others , "motivated" or any of the other cliches you're usually advised that people wan t to see.

Buy the warranty on everything! That extra 4 or 5 bucks on a mouse/router will s ave you so much headache down the road.

You can live easily without working a salaried/waged job. If people need help of fer them your services and don't expect anything in return, they are usually cha ritable if you are helping with something important. Learn new skills whenever p ossible, even if it means asking random people if you can look over their should er as they are fixing something.

Rent is a scam, especially in places where its very warm and comfy year round. T alk to friends, relatives, etc and look around for abandoned property. It only t akes a few steps to make it yours, or if its owned by a slumlord, just squat it until you're told to leave. Food is plentiful and free, but don't be a leech. If you dumpster food, feed others at the same time. I could get into business scam s and the like but if you need them you know them.

Cut out meat/sweets/high sodium foods out of your diet for a few months. This gi ves you incredible willpower, and will come in handy when you are older and need to diet.

Keep all your receipts.

Credit cards are evil. You don't need one. (period)

If you have an impulse buy put it back on the shelf and make yourself go back an d get it. If you forget about it you really didn't need/want it anyway.

OEM > aftermarket in MANY cases ~ don't be cheap, spend money on the quality goo ds and the chances of you having to replace whatever it is will be dramatically less, you'll also have bragging rights because all your friends are cheap.

Learn from your parents' mistakes.

Black automobiles are the hardest to keep clean. White and silver are probably t he easiest.

Always keep an emergency kit in your car. This should have MREs when possible, o r CLIF bars, anything like food in a nonperishable package. A gallon of filtered water. A flashlight. 5-6 flares. A blanket. A Leatherman or similar tool with k nives and punch tools. A radio. A change of comfortable dry shoes and socks. A j acket. Gloves.

Having a kit like this was extremely helpful one winter when my car was the only one making it up 217 and my friends and I were all helping push other people's cars.

Measure twice, cut once.

If you are in an "old-sk00l" style-military training area, be an asshole and don 't darn your socks. When they're collected and washed, you won't be getting your s back again.

Be nice to the guy at the top of the barracks who goes "WTF? There are fucking H OLES in my SOCKS!"

Don't live in the ghetto if you can help it. There's no point to it.

If you have kids, don't live in a house with lead paint if you want their brains to develop fully.

Sodium explodes violently when it comes into contact with water. I mean, BANG. A little piece will take off a few fingers.

Potassium burns and sputters, then explodes.

Shave every other day.

Learn how to spell for god's sake! People will notice that you suck at spelling, and will judge you for that.

I know it has been said before, but dont talk about things you know shit about.

If you live in the Northern Hemisphere, always know how to find Polaris (The Nor th Star). You can use it not only to figure out a direction, but you could impre ss somebody with your minor knowledge of Astronomy, resulting in many great thin gs to happen to you. You would be suprised as to how many people have no clue wh ich star it is. To find the star, first find The Big Dipper (Ursa Major). If you do not know what this looks like, fuck off, you uneducated twat. Once you have found the Big Dipper, find the two stars that make the forward edge of the cup. If you draw a line from the bottom star, through the top star at the lip of the cup, follow that line for about 2 fist-lengths and you'll arrive at the North St

ar.

Quit bitching about school. You only have a few years left, and you DON'T want t o be out in the big bad world quite yet. Really.

Keep a flashlight/penlight near your bed. There's nothing worse than tripping an d stumbling in the middle of the night if the power goes out and you REALLY need to piss or get a drink.

Charge a capacitor and toss it to someone. Natural reaction is to catch it. Laug h when they get zapped. Then run. (Leaving a charged cap on the english prof's d esk is great fun too)

This might seem like a no-brainer to most of you, but the amount of people that don't follow this amaze me: BLOW THE DUST OUT OF YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER, DIPSHIT! This has magically fixed more overheating problems than I can remember, and pro longs the life of almost all your computer components. This goes double if you'r e a smoker, as the tar in cigarette smoke will coat PCBs and the components on t hem and cause lots of overheating and damage over time.

Use metal rulers because plastic ones have a tendency to shrink.

Put a few pieces of tape on the bottom of your rulers. Not a lot, just enough to that your ruler won't touch your paper and pull lead up. Same goes for triangle

s and those curve edge things. Hell if I remember what they're called.

And for fuck's sake please lift your damn t-squares, rulers, triangles, and curv ed edge thingies before moving them. Even if it's just a little bit. You'll save so much time and effort on cleaning your picture up.

Before applying tape to paper (especially if you plan on taking the tape off lat er) put it on your shirt or pants first. Do that a couple of times to get the ta ckiness out.

Or you can just buy magic tape.. it's tape that will stick but come off paper wi thout ripping it at all.

If you've got sticky little remains from tags / taped stuff and it's annoying yo u, you can easily get rid of it with GooGone. Available at Home Depot-like store s. If you're too lazy, a kneaded eraser (available at art stores) will work as w ell.

Grey does not in any way equal black.

Sorry but you should see the shit in my design classes. Everbody turns in work t hat either isn't measured anywhere near right, is smudged to hell, or is grey (w e are only suppose to use black and white).

If you plan on ripping someone's ear off, don't grab and pull away from the head . Grab it and pull it towards you, much easier method and it will come off like ripping a page out of a phone book. Also, if you do plan on ripping someone's ea r off, go get some help you sick fuck.

Move around--Don't sit in front of the computer for so long. Take a break at lea st every 20 minutes to walk around a bit and stretch out. Your body will love yo u for it.

Go abroad, especially if you're still in college. Get the hell out of the countr y for awhile. Not only can you have some great times and meet new people, but yo u'd be amazed how spending time abroad can help you appreciate as well as give you a break from your normal life. I'm antisocial and shy as hell, and I went to Chin a. If I can do it, you can do it.

Go get your money back if the movie is sucking. I do this all the time, and a lo t of people I talk to never even thought of doing it. There's no reason to sit t hrough all of 200 Cigarettes.

Drink more water. A lot more. No, even more than that.

For the love of us all, have a heart. This "it's my money that I earned through my hard work and I'm not giving any to anyone" mentality doesn't make for much o f a global community. And besides, life in the work camps won't be easy on you r

ich folks after my revolution.

Also, a basic understanding of chemistry can go a long way. If you find somethin g and you wonder what will happen if you eat it, you can read its ingredients an d probably get a pretty good idea if you know what the hell you are doing. For e xample, really heavy or water insoluable materials have a tendency to accumulate in your system and cause you to die. You can also use this knowledge to avoid g etting screwed on some kind of "miracle product" that has the exact same chemica l composition as the shit you can buy for 2 cents a gallon.

Some quick laundry tips, as I just got back from the laundromat:

Air dry your underwear, ladies especially. This will save the elastic waistbands from getting all blown out, and will greatly extend the life of your undergarme nts.

Dryer sheets are worth it (Static cling = ). They're handy for other things, too -some of which have been mentioned in this thread. I'd recommend unscented, pers onally, though...

If you do laundry in a laundromat, fucking camp outside your machines with a boo k, a newspaper, some homework, whatever. People hate doing laundry and are prone to do assholeish things like steal your shit, pull out your clothes, toss your wet clothes on the floor, stick theirs in before the cycle's up, etc. etc. Also, it's just generally a bad idea to leave the laundromat and come back, because t here's always a good chance you'll forget. Leaving wet clothes in the washer ove rnight = mildew = nasty smell = bad .

Also, see if any of the machines will run for free. Hey, sometimes you'll luck o ut and find a washer or dryer that won't charge you, and you've just saved an as ston of money (until the managers figure it out).

Fold your clothes while you're there. You're already having to do laundry, you m ight as well get two chores out of the way at once and fold them. Plus you keep the wrinkles out and you can just drop them straight into your drawers when you get back.

Unless your clothes are absolutely filthy you don't need to fill the cup to the line. Half a cup, maybe. If you do this for a while and your clothes start smell ing funky, then use a little more each time until you find the sweet spot.

Not only are biodegradable detergents better for the environment (and nice becau se you save the nice bunnies from getting corrosive substances squirted in their eyes. ), they also don't leave such a nasty residue all over anything they touc h, and they wash off much easier.

Never put clothes into your drawer if they're not completely dry. Hang them on s omething and let them finish drying first.

My mom added that shaking your clothes out when you go from laundry to dryer dec reases wrinkling. Yay.

I find that the best way to wake up when you don't want to, which is most of the time, I'm a senior in HS, just stand up and head for the shower. It's tough, bu t it works. You'll be awake.

Store brands are frequently the exception to this. Go into a Wal-Mart. Find the lightbulbs. See that Great Value bulb? See that GE bulb? Both of those bulbs wer e made by GE. Probably in the same plant. Lots of store brand stuff is like this . Over-the-counter pharmacy stuff especially.

Don't ever clean your toilet with bleach, theres ammonia in urine and it sits in the bowl. Bleach+ammonia=DEADLY GASS!!!1 Trust me, a friend's roommate was doin g this and she was only inhaling it for a couple seconds and was gagging.

Most people dont die from burns from fires, they dies from the smoke. Keep low a nd wet a piece of cloth with water (or urine if no water source is around) and b reath through it. The cloth will absorb most of the harmful vapors.

Criminals are like bears. The bigger you look, the more hesitant they are to att ack you. Keep your back straight and your chest out.

Clip your nails after you've had a shower. They're all soft and all- much easier to cut

A confident walk and a clipboard will get you almost anywhere. Managers hold cof fee mugs real well.

The best example I have of this is when I was traveling back from Europe. In Lon don I was bumped from my flight, along with about 20 other people. Everyone else lined up, bitched, whined, demanded upgrades, etc. I checked the schedule, noti ced that the next flight for North America wasn't for an hour, and went to sit d own. When the crowd cleared, I walked up and very nicely asked when the next fli ght I could get was. They apologized for the delay, and I told them it was just fine, shit happens. I smiled a lot and made sure they knew that I was fine with whatever they could do.

I ended up with a direct flight rather than a layover (arriving three hours earl y), an upgrade to First Class, and 150 Pounds cash. That's about $275. TO sum up , I got home early, in more comfort, and with half my rent in my pocket just for being a nice guy in a situation that I couldn't change. It fucking works, and p eople behind counters put up with way too much shit for way too little cash.

HS kids, learn to beat off quickly/discreetly/ not in the goddamn shower. Just h old it till your roommate wanders off, don't gum up the plumbing with jizz.

Corollary: If you're not beating off in the shower, somebody else is. Wear sanda ls.

Run a trickle of hot water through your pipes when it's really, really fucking c old out. Unless you intend to install an impromptu swimming pool next to the fut on in the basement. Bursted pipes are a bitch.

Love is often a tool of self-oppression, we think we're doing the other person a service by rolling over for them but we may just be fooling everybody. This win ter I ended my four or five year stint with "that girl" (you know, the one you t hink you're soul mates with but when it all boils down she doesn't amount to shi t) and in turn an entire chapter of shitty living came to a close. If she was as right as I thought she was, she would've come back. She wasn't and she didn't. Though, in the epilogue, she did get the last word by leaving her piece of shit Christmas present on my door-step.

Let your "opponent" win

You don't know how much conflict I witness is due to the person who thinks they' re in the right being a bullhead cocksucker. Even if you're right, the style of argument you use is far stronger than the argument itself. Argument doesn't end up in resolution most of the time, it just ends because people get tired. As lon g as it's not going to fuck you over by bending their way, let the wrong person be wrong... they'll learn they're wrong much quicker and more effectively if the y find out for themselves without you trying to teach them. "Not taking shit," 9 5% of the time, is just empty testosterone.

Throw your microwave into your television

I don't feel as strongly about TV as I do about microwaves, but I included TV be cause it's pretty much useless. Microwaves, however, are bad in a multitude of w ays. They kill the nutrients and taste in many foods. They provide too much conv enience, giving you the ability to binge like a fat bitch on Oprah. They facilit ate diets high in preservatives (i.e. you're more likely to "throw on a Hot Pock et" if you have a microwave than if you just have an oven and stove and cooking something from scratch would take just as long). Sure, time is tough. I have no

time myself, but I'd rather eat cold than eat microwaved.

Don't take pictures with the viewfinder

Pictures are great, but if you're too busy documenting your life, you're probabl y missing out on your life. Just throwing a camera up in the air and snapping wh atever you think it sees is quick and makes for interesting pictures. And if you have a digital camera, there's no film to waste so you can take as many pointle ss bullshit decapitated photos as you want.

Don't pay for drugs

This is, morally, a sticky one. But if you only "bum" drugs off of people, your use will remain strictly recreational and you won't become a junkie. If you're a ble to lay a solid foundation that you will never pay for drugs (unless you're o kay with buying weed or alcohol or something that has a lower potential for ruin ing your life), you can pretty much do anything and not get hooked into it. Just make sure you don't move in with a crackhead.

If it's yellow, let it mellow

Flushing after every piss is so wasteful. Especially if you drink lots of water and your urine is diluted and is not very pungent... you can pretty much only fl ush when you crap and just pee in the toilet all day. Just make sure if you're c

oexisting with other people that they're okay with it (unless you truly don't gi ve a fuck... in which case, most power to you).

Assuming you have an older toilet like my old one that uses about 197 gallons pe r flush, this is really a money saver. If you abuse your body by drinking nothin g but the digestable equivalent of shit, then that toilet'll start to smell, but if your piss runs a faint shade of yellow, you'd be amazed how mcuh money you c an save, waterwise.

Don't ignore God's irony

Sure, reading too much into things can make for some dellusion-based problems. H owever, sometimes signs, even if they're not there for a reason, can point you t o truth. It's usually very simple... like if your computer malfunctions, don't t ry to fix it... you probably have been on it for too long. If you're driving aro und and thinking about something that's eating you inside and see a Stop sign or some other sign that contains irony upon interpretation, take it in for what it 's worth. Reality is what you make of it, so you're not being crazy by doing thi s. You're just adding more value to the world around you.

Always support the bands you like, buy the damn cd or record.

Anyone who says it's not worth 10 bucks to join is retarded. I've paid 30 (2 idi otic bannings) and don't regret one red cent.

Try to learn the difference between common homophones. Don't use there in place of their for example.

"Their" is a collective, possessive pronoun used to refer to a group of people p reviously mentioned (his, her, mine, yours, their).

"They're" is a contraction of they are.

There is for variety, identity, direction or location. "there were three jelly d onuts left; i couldn't resist."

Balance your goddamn checkbook. In these days of debit cards and instant gratifi cation purchases, its not a fucking mystery as to why overdraft charges are near ing the $40 dollar mark. Banks make a lot of money off of lazy people.

ALWAYS HAVE A SWISS ARMY KNIFE

Whether it be at home in your desk, in your backpack, or on your keychain, these will ALWAYS come in handy. I swear to god, not a day goes by that I dont use mi ne. Buy one and see for yourself.

A blunt knife causes more accidents than a sharp one.

Man. Fucking learn how to type legibly.

When in doubt, use Google. It knows what you're talking about.

Always use Wikipedia. For everything. It's smarter than you and everything else.

____________________________________________________________

quote:

Because wikis keep regular site archives, and there's a constantly updated chang elog, so if somebody goes in and starts messing around with pages, it's easy to spot the change and reset the page to its previous state.

____________________________________________________________

When in doubt, ask the original wiki.

http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?WhyWikiWorks

http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?WhyNobodyDeletesWiki

On the other hand,

http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?WhyWikiWorksNot

http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?WikiMindWipe

Always* carry the Swiss (or equivalent) Technology. Make sure it has at least th e following:

Corkscrew

Bottle Opener

Philips Screwdriver (Mainly for fixing computars)

Slot Screwdriver

The 12 year old AV Club nerd in you will thank me.

* except when you're about to get on a plane

SCHOOL

High school teachers are pretty wise to whole "increase font size" or "increase margins" thing, but none of them seem to get the whole "increase space between l etters ever so slightly, making the paper pages longer" thing.

Sometimes, if you have a term like 1+((1-n)/n) you can write it as (n+1-n)/n = 1 /n making the whole calculation a lot easier.

If you go to the bathroom without asking or making eye contact with the teacher then spend, say, 15 minutes wandering around or going to the senior lounge or wh atever your high school offers early in the year, you can find out if the teache r pays attention or confronts kids about that. If that works, you can usually ex tend it, with some teachers, to up to 50 minutes of being out of class on a bath room break you didn't tell them about.

Good for science fair:

Dissolving Salt in Hot Water - PhD style:

Take a pyrex pot and fill it 3/4 with water. Pour in rock salt to a depth of 1/4 -1/2 inch. Put it on the stove on medium high heat. What do you think happens? T he water boils and the salt dissolves, right? No! The coolest thing EVER happens .

What happens is you get a two layer solution. It will look like the bottom half is full of oil and the top half is full of water. The interface will look swirly and viscous. As time passes (20 minutes, depending on how high the burner is) t he interface will slowly creep up to the top of the pot. And it's just salt wate r! And you get a very disctinct two layer solution.

The best part is, you can stick your hand in it! So, you see these two layers. T he bottom layer, including the salt, has little bubbles where the water is semiboiling. You put your hand in, and the water is still the same temperature as th e tap. If you reach down and carefully touch the oily looking interface it feels like touching boiling water. Across that interface is a 100 degree F temperatur e difference.

If you want to do this, you should use a pyrex container so you can see through the side. You must use rock salt. Table salt dissolves too fast and the interfac e doesn't get a chance to form. Try to get as tall a vessel as possible, so you can stick your hand in. I use 2L beakers, but you probably don't have access to them.

I suggested this to a friend for their daughters 7th grade science fair, but you can scale up your analysis to something pretty respectable for high school, or even college. The reasons you get the two layers in just hot salt water are real ly interesting.

If you're ever going through US military basic training you will most likely fin d yourself in a situation where you have to stand at attention/parade rest for a n insanely long amount of time. Suddenly develop a cough, the Drills can't yell at you for breaking the position for a second or two and moving your muscles a b it makes things easier. And don't ever lock your knees for an extended period of time. Ouch.

Do your homework, but it's not always necessary to go to class. Figure out your learning style. If your classes are taught to your style, great. If they aren't, going to class is a waste, because you'll end up doing the crossword or sleepin g. Spend the time outside of class learning the material on your own.

Keeping with the above, "the spirit of learning is a lasting frontier." You shou ldn't stop learning when you leave school. If you don't know how to learn someth ing on your own by the time you graduate college, you missed the point. Go back, and try again.

Make friends with your professors. Get to know them outside of the classroom. Th ey'll be able to help you more than you think.

If you're a college student like me and you want to get on the good side of a pr ofessor, find a common interest and discuss it with them. My geology prof is a f requent world traveller, so I shared some pictures of my past trips (volcanos, G reat Barrier Reef, etc); in the same vein, I trade book recommendations with my English prof. Showing outside interests that relate to the material they're teac hing makes you seem less like a thank-you-drive-thru student and goes a long way in making them partial to you when you need an extension or want to skip a clas s without catching crap for it.

Along those same lines, showing up to class is half the fucking battle in colleg e. Missing even a single class can put you on a professor's shit list, and you'd be surprised at how much you'll miss even when you just skip occasionally. This doesn't apply to all classes, but for most, it's better to err on the side of c aution.

There's no such thing as "bad English." Ask a linguist. "Good language" means su ccessful communication, not adhering to a bunch of arbitrarily chosen and cultur ally biased grammar rules.

If you intend people who matter to ever take you seriously at all, never say shi t like, "I don't need to know how to spell/draw/whatever to make art; it's all a bout expressing myself, man."

Picasso was an excellent representative painter before he created Cubism. James Joyce could write a good paragraph. You need to know the rules and master the fo rm before striking out on your own, if for no other reason than to figure out wh at needs changing, and what doesn't. You are most likely not the next paradigm s hift, get over yourself.

As a great man once told me, "Never trust a sonofabitch who spends more time bei ng a poet, than writing poetry." When people ask you what you do, they mean as a majority of your time. If you paint a little, but work in a grocery store, you are a clerk. Hell, if you paint a lot but work in a grocery store, you are a cle rk. Describing yourself as an artist will only impress other artists, or people who are very stoned. It will just irritate people who are likely to be of any he lp in the future.

Slant rhyme is where it almost rhymes. You hear this a lot in Emily Dickinson po

ems and country music: "On the farm we sure worked hard / When we got home we su re were tired"

Masculine rhyme is either monosyllabic (cat-rat, toy-boy) or the emphasis is on the last syllable, like alone-cologne

Feminine rhyme is polysyllabic, like spacey-lacy, litter-bitter, skater-later (A VRIL GET OUT OF MY HEAD). The difference is the last syllable is unstressed.

Consonance is when there is a repetition of consonant sounds in a phrase. Assona nce is a repetiton of vowels sounds, like "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

I was wrong about masculine rhyme, it can be polysyllabic, the stress just has t o be on the last syllable. Disease-appease would be an example of polysyllabic m asculine rhyme.

RELATIONSHIPS

People who are assholes want you to be an asshole to them. This goes for men and women and all ages.

The nicer you are to your parents, the nicer they will be to you. This is not a general rule, but it's always worked for me.

Always listen to what people have to say, but never believe anything until you'v e verified it.

Flowers are supposed to be nice, happy, pretty things for an anniversary, birthd ay, congratulations, or just because I wuv ooo.

Do not buy your girlfriend or wife flowers in an attempt to make nice after you pissed her off. Every time she looks at the flowers, she will just be reminded t hat you pissed her off, unless she has the memory span of a goldfish.

This is especially true if the flowers are to be delivered to her at work. Invar iably, people will see the flowers on someone's desk and they'll ask "who" and " why".

One of my coworkers had a husband who would always send her flowers at work afte r they had a nasty argument. So whenever another really nice, expensive bouquet came in, she would be pitied and her husband looked like even more of an asshole .

Carry gum. Always.

Make friends. This applies to all aspects of life.

Make friends as soon as possible with a new neighbor. You have no idea how much this will ease certain encounters in the future. It's easier to have a big party or just generally be loud in your room if you know that the upstairs (or wherev er) neighbor is cool with you.

Make friends at the university. This is especially important for you career-mind ed individuals. Getting on a professor's good side is one of the most important things you can do at university. A good way to do this is drink with them. I hav e a German professor who hosts an annual party for his upper-level German studen ts. I got on his good side in no time. Now whenever I need a shining letter of r ecomendation... I can get it immediately. Also, just being generally witty and h umorous in smaller classes, without being disruptive, will get the prof to take notice of you. Most of the time, having a lot of character and being driven is m ore important to instructors than having perfect grades.

Make friends with the bartender. This is the coolest one yet. My drivers license recently got cracked in half, it was still readable...just cracked. The guy at one of my local bars checked it and said he couldn't take it as ID because the l iquor control was doing stings the whole month. But instead of making a scene or muttering something like "this is bullshit", I calmy walked back home and got m y passport for him. He told me I was actually the first person who was cool abou t doing this. Now, whenever I go into that bar...I never get ID'd, he knows me b y name too and also what I like to drink. This especially looks cool when you ha ve a girl with you and don't have to wait too long to get service.

Tip your bartender ridiculous amounts of money if you plan on visiting the same spot over and over again. If you buy $20 in drinks, tip another $20. This may se em costly at first. Once the bartenders recognize you, they will start charging you very little for your drinks so they can get more tip money. You end up buyin g around ten drinks but only paying for one. Once you're friendly with the barte nder, other cool stuff can happen. We tip well so certain establishments allow u s to have open bar drinking after the place closes because the managers know tha t we will give them about a $150 kickback (total, there's about six of us so we each give $25) which he can keep. There have also been situations where bars wit h $3000 raffles will fix the contest so one of the regulars win because they kno w that regular is a big tipper and will give them back $1000 in tips. Nothing li ke free booze or money.

Never be afraid to ask to speak to someone's manager. If some employee is giving you shit, talk to the manager. Chances are you'll get free shit, or maybe a dis count. However, if this is a food place, try not to go in there again if the sam e dickhead is going to serve you. In a movie theater, this works obscenely well, especially if you complain about a group of noisy teens.

Befriend everyone you can, and help everyone, whenever possible. If you have a g ood reason to not help someone, not including "this person hasn't helped me," th en don't. But otherwise, hook people up whenever you can get away with it. If yo u can hook people who seem cool up with some fries, (assuming you work at a burg er place), and you won't get in trouble, do it. This goes for anything. I never really have anything to give to people, aside from my computer expertice, but on the occasions that I do, I tend to hook people up. Why do this? Because I can t ell you, there have been a lot of times when I have received help or free fries without doing shit for said person. I have received a never-ending amount of fre e food and I've not done anything. It's kind of a like a karma, which leads me t o my next piece of advice...

If you like to watch live theatre but don't have the money to see it often, call the theatre up and ask them if they need volunteers to usher or something. This is especially good with the smaller theatres of the area. Most times they'll le t you see the show for free and maybe give you something else like a free drink or something. Plus, they'll usually be nicer to you if you decide to come as a p aying customer later.

Make friends with people that work in food service and treat them with respect a nd be extremly polite at all times. Especially if you don't know them. I get/giv e free food all over the city now because of this. Even if you don't get anythin g for free, they'll remember you and be more inclined to give you free stuff in the future. Also find out what the place does with waste products. I usually giv e one random person a dozen or so free bagels each night I close because otherwi se they just go in the trashcan.

There was this one place where my brother-in-law worked and it was like the most expensive place in the neighborhood; however, once they ran out of lettuce, the y would wash off the leaves that they intentionally separated from normal garbag e when they were making normal food and hose them off in the back before serving them up. Also, the cook would wank off in the food when the manager yelled at h im. So, don't trust restaurants and try not think about who made the food as muc h as how mmm mmm good it tastes.

Even though it is incredibly fun in an immature and juvenile sort of way, shooti ng vinegar at the neighbor's Rotweiler with a squirt-gun MAY seem to provide end less hours of nonstop entertainment...but eventually that fence is going to come down for some reason or another... and that motherfucker WILL remember your fac e.

About women: if you like a girl, and you're talking to her, but she's far away f rom you with her arms folded, back the fuck down. She's not comfortable with you . On the other hand, if her arms are folded but she's fairly close(like 2 feet a way or less), she's fine with you. If her lips turn from pinkish to bright fucki ng red, she's aroused. If she touches you in the slightest, for more than a seco nd or so, she's comfortable with you. If she preens (plays with her hair) around you, she might like you.

About men: girls, don't shave your armpit hairs unless they get horrifically unr uly. Your pits emit pheremones that drive men nuts, even if they don't think so.

Cowboys put their thumbs in their beltloops because that made their hands noncha lantly point to their genitals, which some women find attractive. So do that if you're on the prowl, so to speak.

At work or school, always make friends with the janitors. They have keys to ever ything.

Making friends with janitors at school is a great hint. I'm in my last year of h igh school and made it a point to tell all the newcomers in my form class this w hen we had to show them around.

Feel like having a day off school? Do it. He'll write you a note, because even t hough he's kinda weird, he's pretty cool.

If you're in a large group that's singing, and you know the tune of the song but not the words, you can just mouth "Watermelon" over and over. No one watching w ill be able to tell, except the deaf.

When preparing for a job interview, put a layer of antipersperant on first, and then a layer of deoderant. Deoderant alone does not reduce sweating, and may res ult in slight pitstains, especially if you're nervous.

Follow-up to above: Guys, when everything is going perfectly with your relations hip, send your girlfriend flowers or a Vermont Teddybear. If you can do it well, cook her a surprise meal.

Never be afraid to follow the herd. If there is one thing I've learned in life t hat I wish I knew ten years ago, it would be this.

If you're standing in a line at the grocery store or wherever, turn to the perso n behind you and make small talk. I make it a point to speak to at least one per son I don't know everyday. I have met some of my best friends this way.

Always keep a lighter and gum on you. Get a zippo for dramatic effect.

When you're out buying clothes, take a girl. First, they can tell you if what yo u plan to buy is attractive or not. Second, they probably go shopping a lot more then you so they know the good deals from the bad. Third, you'd be suprised on the girls you can meet when you take a girl shopping with you.

Know how to tie a half-windsor knot. Most people won't know the difference, but the people who do are the ones you want to impress; however, never tie a doublewindsor. Anyone who recognizes a double-windsor also knows that only cads and da ndies wear a tie that way.

Don't loan money to friends.

Spend some effort staying in touch with friends.

It's hard, I know, but do your damndest to smile at people - yes, even complete strangers - more. Especially the person at the counter. They've been dealing wit h assholes all day, and it helps, really. Think about how you feel when someone smiles at you and pass that feeling around like it's going out of style.

CD-Rs and cigarettes:

I don't smoke, but I do burn CDs. I've noticed that both cigs and blank CDs have a karma set to them. For however many cigarettes/CD-Rs you bum to people, that' s how many you can get out of other people. If someone wants you to burn them a CD, don't ask them for a CD, give them one of yours. Bringing someone a CD to bu rn something is a giant pain in the ass. You might forget or never get around to it.

Confidence can get you into ANYWHERE. I've walked into numerous VIP sections in clubs/bars/parties/concerts and as long as I acted like I belonged there no one questioned it. That means make eye contact and nod with the bodyguard when he lo oks at you, not shy away.

Guys, trim downstairs. You don't like when girls have big bush so offer them the same courtesy. Your girlfriend will appreciate regular maintenance on your unde

rcarriage.

Women like strong men -- It doesn't have to be physically strong, but stop being such a wimp. Why don't "nice guys" get the girls? Because women have been hardc oded by evolution to seek out a mate that can "protect their offspring from the sabretoothed tiger and other males". Don't be afraid to be a bit of an asshole a round women, but never TO women. My theory is that most women want a guy that th ey can say "I know he seems like an asshole at first, but once you get to know h im he's a really nice guy." That's the perfect combination. For extended informa tion, read "The Human Zoo" and "The Naked Ape" by Desmond Morris -- a zoologist who decided to look at humans as though they were just another animal, and has s ome absolutely fascinating findings.

If you are hosting a party, get some spray cologne like old spice and give it a few sprays before people come over. People subconsciously will remember the smel l.

If you need to throw someone out of a party, be as polite as possible when askin g them to leave, especially if they are drunk.

As with the above, you can always be an ass to someone. However, once you are an ass to someone, it's hard to get on their good side again. That being said, be polite first, and be an ass when you have to be.

Learn how to play with and talk to little kids; the proper way to carry an infan t, and so on. At some time someone you want to impress will be impressed because you're good with kids.

If you don't want your parents to know that you're sexually active, do a good jo b of hiding your condoms and lube.

"Strange travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

This is good advice. The more you follow it, the more interesting situations you 'll encounter.

Just generally be nice to everyone. You wouldn't believe how much this has helpe d me out. Plus, it's the right thing to do. In high school that golden rule(trea t others cool and they'll treat you just as cool) works about 70/30 in high scho ol, but like 95/5 in the real world. People hate assholes.

Use something other than "hey" as a greating. "Howdy" sounds very friendly. Most guys like being greeted by "sup playa" or something to that extent (even if it is a joke). Girls will stab each other in the face over a guy that greets each w oman with "Hey beautiful" and the like.

If you want to know why someone does something, just look for a motive (you'd be surprised how many times people overlook this).

When at a club/social function, subtley pay attention to the direction of people s feet at a club or pub. If 2 people are talking together their feet will be poi nting at each other. If you join and they open their feet to point at you and in clude you they want you there. If they dont and just turn their heads to talk to you, leave, your not wanted. Peoples bodies controle them. If somone is talking to you with their bodies pointing away and they move whenever you pause talking to them, let them go immediatly. Otherwise youll be known as "that guy who's re ally annoying cause i just want to go and he keeps talking."

Take some time to get to know your computer. Seriously, it's amazing how many pe ople are impressed by the most basic computer knowledge. If you know enough and it is known that you are a "computer geek," people will offer you money to build computers for them or solve their computer problems; a very easy way to make a quick buck. This is also a great source of decent parts. People never want to ke ep their old parts, often they'll give them to you.

Look out for your friends. If they're complaining of a bad headache they may be on the verge of accute mountain sickness. Stop where you are and administer diam ox if necessary. Climb high, sleep low.

Point 1: When in doubt - Shut The Fuck Up. If you don't have enough information to make an informed comment on something then don't. It's better to be seen as q uiet and aloof than brash and offensive. Likewise, if you can't say anything goo d about a person, then don't say anything. A carefully constructed silence can b e a very effective weapon. Appearing wise online is made much easier if you also follow this tip. Type whatever it is you want to say, then delete it, this is e specially accurate on IRC.

If you're working with someone that's making a fuck up of what ever it is you're doing, let them get it wrong, let them realise that, ONLY THEN should you corre ct them.

Point 3: If you're working on a committee: The more you do, the more you get giv en to do, and the less you're thought of.

Point 4: It is not neccesery to love someone to have sex with them.

Point 5: If you've known someone for over a year, and are madly in love with the m, then it is not a good idea to tell them about this after having no sleep for 72 hours, and the week after their mother's given birth and their best friend's commited suicide. This I learned recently in association with points 1 and 3. Un fortunately point 4 never even got a look in.

Everything is funnier when you're drunk. Apart from the previous point.

It is not neccesery to get drunk every night. Unless point 5 has just happened t o you.

Early to bed, early to rise won't do much for your social life, but you'll get a whole lot more work done.

Never organise any kind of sporting event whatsoever. Seriously. It's just too m uch trouble.

Saying "Hey beautiful," or "Hey sexy," to girls only works when A) you don't con stantly say it to multiple girls who are all within earshot of each other, and m ost importantly, B) You're not a FUCKING LOSER. I had a guy do this to me and my best girlfriend and we hated his guts. Be cool, like The Fonz. Eyyyyy.

Remember when you were little and were intimidated by adults and big kids... Pla y with little kids and don't think they're dumb, they're smarter than you think. Kids will listen and behave better around you if you do that.

Keep your bathroom in good shape and try to make sure you match your towels and stuff. Girls like that kind of stuff. Being mismatched and untidy is a sign of s omeone who doesn't care.

For everyone who says go out and make a new friend everyday. I say fuck that. So me people are just naturally introverted, so don't do anything that you really d on't want to do. I'm not saying don't be nice to people, in fact whenever someon e approaches me and begins talking, I am more than responsive. I'm just saying t hat if you don't feel like talking to anyone, then don't. Simple as that.

Learn from the regrets and experiences of people who are older than you. Like ou r elders and parents. They've studied life longer than you and know more about i t than you, even if you graduated college at 12 Dougie. Seriously, take heed. Th e best example; I've never met someone who didn't regret getting addicted to cig arettes so it's mind boggling that people still choose to start, like it's going to work out great for them. I encourage you to expand this idea for yourself be yond cigarettes.

Pay attention to how your co-workers treat waitstaff. It's is generally a good i ndicator of how they'll treat people they feel they have some power or control o ver. This works for boyfriends/girlfriends as well.

Tip the deliveryman very well and your food will start arriving very quickly.

Get a taste for Ska. You will make friends with everyone. This also lets you wee d out the skinheads who have an affinity for skrewdriver.

Unless you have a personal issue that is eating you alive don't whine about it. If its pressing find someone receptive, it really doesn't matter if they're your best friend or your grocery store prescriptionist, and have a chat.

If you're going to make a big lifestyle change, there are two ways to go about i t. If its a personal thing and is going to be releasing information to someone, write it out and burn the paper. Write it out again and burn it. Write it a thir d time and hand it to them. If the life change is a location, personal things, e tc don't fret over it cause its got shit to do with anyone else and you have to just feel it out for yourself.

It's very healthy to annually go beserk, put a change of clothes in a backpack, and hitchhike across the country for a month or three, unless you have some sort of obligation like a job.

You can live easily without working a salaried/waged job. If people need help of fer them your services and don't expect anything in return, they are usually cha ritable if you are helping with something important. Learn new skills whenever p ossible, even if it means asking random people if you can look over their should er as they are fixing something. Rent is a scam, especially in places where its very warm and comfy year round. Talk to friends, relatives, etc and look around for abandoned property. It only takes a few steps to make it yours, or if its ow ned by a slumlord, just squat it until you're told to leave. Food is plentiful a nd free, but don't be a leech. If you dumpster food, feed others at the same tim e. I could get into business scams and the like but if you need them you know th em.

It's always helpful to meet new people and have a REAL personal relationship. Do n't just go out looking for new people, actually try to get their life perspecti ve. Mine's changed over and over and over each time I meet new interesting peopl e. A few of those people have come from something awful.

Don't be a snob by any means. If someone is interested in a subject you're knowl edgable about, tutor them in a non-condescending way. Nine times out of ten they 'll return the favor eventually.

Karma and gods are scams, but doing positive favors every chance you get leaves high chances of having them returned. The only reason to join the military, a ch urch, a political party, or other cults is severe depression. Right before you m ake a decision to do any of those, think about what would happen if you got over your depression the week after joining. You'd be somewhat stuck. Law of probabi lity works like karma, if you make good decisions it is far more likely that goo d things will happen to you, and vice versa.

If your infant has trouble sleeping through the night, try putting him/her to be d earlier. This is counterintuitive, but seems to work for mine and those of sev eral of my friends.

Pay attention to how your co-workers treat waitstaff. It's is generally a good i ndicator of how they'll treat people they feel they have some power or control o ver. This works for boyfriends/girlfriends as well.

You can make any lady into a whore but you can't make any whore into a lady.

Everyone knows everyone, the six degrees of separation are real.

If a girl leaves her boyfriend for you the chances are she'll leave you for some one else.

All interactions in life are based on constructs (imagined "correct" ways of act ing). If you act nice, people will also act nice back either due to:

1) Confusion, they will revert to your mannerism

2) Reciprocity, they understand you are trying to recieve the same treatment

3) Morality, they are a stupid christian and think they will go to hell otherwis

Some will act meanly because they understand the world of interactions is a lie, so kick them in the teeth. There is no reason to fuck people over. There is no reason to act nice, but it helps getting things in return usually. Attribute thi s to greed, charity, or communality. This argument is what everything in philoso phy, politics, etc is based on.

BE NICE FUCKERS.

If you are a freshman in college, talk to the seniors about professors before yo u get your classes for the next semester. Getting a good prof is extremly import ant.

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And as a good tip, never be afraid to ask to speak to someone's manager.

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This applies for great service as well as shitty service. If some guy goes out o f his way for you, talk to, or even better write a letter to his/her supervisor(

s). It's pretty effortless for you to do but can make a huge difference to the g uy who helped you out.

Talk to people with respect. You never know if the person you're talking to migh t end up being your boss. (or worse, your boss's son)

Don't worry over petty shit and don't freak out about things that have already h appened. For example, someone just backed out into your car. Dont get out and ye ll at the person and call them names. Deal with it like a human being.

Take your hat off during dinner of say, a significant other, or a friend's famil y that you aren't too comfortable with yet. It just looks bad to be an impolite prick who doesn't show any manners.

Be nice to your siblings. They're the only ones you have. You'll regret it if yo u fuck up your relationship with them.

When playing rock paper scissors, 90% of humanity goes scissors on first turn.

"Good old rock. Nothing beats rock" - Bart Simpson

People will also switch to the form you last beat them with.

If you get in trouble with an authority figure, be as nice as possible, sometime s they let you off (even for particularly serious crimes) if you display that yo u have regretted your mistake or are willing to accept consequences. And don't f ucking run! Show no obvious signs of guilt if they haven't pinnned it on you and just suspect you based on some words of others.

Don't EVER get rid of someone's phone number, unless you're in their bad books. On that note, try to stay on as many people's good side as possible. Getting a j ob isn't about what you know- it's about who you know

Aside from tipping, being nice to bartenders and service industry people in gene ral is the best way to save money and get good service. They have to deal with a n average of 1000 assholes a day; if you are an asshole, you just blend in. If, on the other hand, you are a genuinely hassle-free and pleasant customer, they w ill take care of you.

The best example I have of this is when I was traveling back from Europe. In Lon don I was bumped from my flight, along with about 20 other people. Everyone else lined up, bitched, whined, demanded upgrades, etc. I checked the schedule, noti ced that the next flight for North America wasn't for an hour, and went to sit d own. When the crowd cleared, I walked up and very nicely asked when the next fli ght I could get was. They apologized for the delay, and I told them it was just fine, shit happens. I smiled a lot and made sure they knew that I was fine with whatever they could do.

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I am looking for tricks to picking out which liquor stores will sell to 18-21 ye ar olds. I have no luck finding any so far

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Here in Ontario, most of the LCBOs don't card us. The drinking age is 19...but I 've managed to buy stuff when I was 16. (Still 18 )

You just gotta look confident. Also, the beerstore ALWAYS cards you if you look under 25. Beer is cheaper at the beer store, but if you're under 19, LCBO is alw ays a good option.

When trying to dispose of a fast-flying mosquito or fly, spray them with hair sp ray. It'll gum up their wings and they'll fall to the floor. Pretty much any spr ay will work for this, but hair spray's best.

While you don't need a credit card, and they can get you into trouble, you do ne ed one to rent a car. More and more places won't let you use a check/debit card anymore, and cash is right out, unless you're renting an '86 Honda from Joe's Re ntal Car Hut and Chicken Shack.

90% of all fights are over before they start. Drop the first shot and hit the ta rget directly in the nose and it's all over. Also, the winner is the one that th inks he has the least to lose.

Oh yeah, and self-confidence is the single most important thing you can ever hav e. Don't think you can't and don't even think you can. Motherfucking know you ca n.

There's a fine line between being altruistic and being a doormat. If you don't k now where that is, you're probably a doormat. Everyone has the right to some mea sure of selfishnes: self-preservation is selfish, even. But Ayn Rand only wrote one good book.

You would be amazed at how many people don't know this and fumble around, pullin g until they snap it open:

I don't know about everybody else's facial chemistry, but with me, shaving every day prevents acne from developing. Even though it takes me 3 days to get a five o'clock shadow, it makes a difference. And the closer the shave, the better (no t just for aesthetic reasons).

Never lower your eyes to an enemy.

Similar to what others have said, really listen to other people for a change. To be perfectly honest, there are very few people who actually give a flying fuck how your day was. Compare it to how they react when you ask them, or when you fo llow up with more questions. Not only will you learn more if you keep quiet, the y will even begin to consider you as a good conversationalist and even a good fr iend because of this. It invites their trust.

This particularly applies to girls when they say they want a guy who "listens". They don't want someone to whine at who'll sit there and take it, and they don't expect you to be psychic in understanding their every need, they just want some one who by listening to what they have to say, makes them feel valued as a perso n.

The worst place to meet women you'd want to be serious with is in a nightclub. I t's loud and dark, which makes it difficult to talk to anyone. The women come to these places with expectations so their guard will constantly be up. And worst of all, men can't dance. That said, there is a lot to be said for anyone who tri es. The best way to meet girls is through other girls. Not only are you already "accepted" by this other person as not a being a freak of nature, but they will more likely be a lot more honest and open with you to begin with. Alcohol and sh ort skirts can do terrible things to a man, so it also gives you a better idea o f whether you'd actually want to sleep with this person too.

Ladies: Please, for the love of all that is holy, DON'T LEAD MEN ON. Goes for th e guys to. Be true, don't fuck around.

When having a conversation with someone, actually listen to what the other perso n is saying and let them know that through the conversation. Just don't wait for your turn to talk and do not prepare what you are going to say. And please, don 't interrupt or finish the other person's sentences. Annoying and in poor taste.

There are two kinds of bosses in the world: Ones you fear, and ones you trust. T ry to work for the latter.

Don't refer to your penis as a cock unless you are talking to a woman or you are gay. I fucking mean it.

If you are preparing for a date that may end with any sort of sexual encounter, trim your fucking pubes, guys and girls. Also, after you put your pants on, pull the waist out and squirt a little cologne/perfume down there. There's nothing m ore arousing than stripping a girls panties off and having a wave of natural wet pussy scent and a sensual smelling perfume smack you in the face. Same for guys , the girl may be more apt and willing to go down if your crotchal region smells very good.

Make a conscious effort to smell good. Don't kill yourself with aerosol deodoran ts like that kid in the UK did, but shower daily, wear a deodorant, brush your t eeth/tongue, etc. Smell works in your favor on a subconscious level. You don't h ave to actually stink for it to work against you. On a subconscious level, you m ight just smell "wrong." You're not trying to smell like perfume, you're just sh ooting for "pleasant," or at the very least "unobtrusive."

If you want to wear cologne/perfume, do not use a scented bodywash unless it is made to compliment the cologne/perfume (ie Victoria's Secret Very Sexy II for Hi m Bodywash and Cologne). After drying off, but before putting on any clothes, sp ray the cologne once or twice in front of you and walk through it. Put clothes o n afterwards. This prevents the "smell cloud" effect, people smell it when getti ng close, but not when passing you in the hallway.

Orbitz spearmint gum has an incredible fresh breath smell range.

Don't smell bad, ever. If you don't have any gum or breathmints, swish some wate r around in your mouth. Its better then nothing.

Powdering your junk before dates is good cause if you're out dancing and you get lucky, your female isn't presented with sweaty balls when she rips off your pan ts later and since the powder dissolves they smell good too.

When going to bed with a girl, make sure you are immaculate. Cut nails, clean ha ir, clean body, shaved pubes. Even if you have to do this all before you go to b ed, it's still so worth it.

No matter how long you have been with your girlfriend, offer daily to eat her pu ssy without gratuity. And when you do it, don't stop until your face looks like a Krispy Kreme and she's lost count of her orgasms.

Oh, and enjoy the results.

"It's the vagina clitoris combination that needs to be redesigned. I mean, lick the clit at a certain pace, stick fingers in the vagina and move them a certain way. I mean, fuck that shit. I have trouble patting my head and rubbing my tummy ." Good thing for this tip...

If you ever get into a fight with your long-term significant other and there is seemingly no end, retreat to seperate rooms and say everything you want to say b ut are afraid to. Come back and resume the fight. Chances are it will be much mo re civil and have a constructive result.

If a girl has a tongue ring, she probably gives really good head

If a guy has a tongue ring, he probably gives really good head

In my health class this tiny chinese lady took this tiny de-spermicided condom a nd pulled it over her whole fist, then took it off and it was still the same siz e and with no breaks. Condoms will only fail through exposure to constant heat o r cold, or if they have expired. So, always check the expiration date and don't keep a condom in your wallet so it doesn't get heated up by the friction and pre ssure from your fat ass.

You really don't want to bring out your wallet to pay for something with your da te and have her see that little ring caused by your condom that's been in there for god knows how long. Just keep em in your dresser or bed side table, or a jac ket pocket before you go out (somewhere not against your body).

DO NOT USE OIL-BASED LUBRICANT WITH A CONDOM! (most hand lotion, massage oils, e tc.) The oil will break down the latex and make microscopic holes which will all ow STD's and baby-makers to get through unimpeded - EVEN IF YOU CAN'T SEE ANY HO LES. Use K-Y or another water-based lubricant.

If you have a girlfriend and would like to keep her, before you go drinking with the guys shut your cell phone off and give it to the designated driver. Not so much so she won't call you, but so you won't call her.

When you start thinking about kissing a girl, she is probably thinking about bei ng kissed too. Look her in the eye, and then lightly run one hand from her templ e down through her hair. If she doesn't pull away, kiss her.

Yes. And for mercy's sake, don't ever ask: it makes you look like a nervous twit . A girl who's asked will only say "yes" if she's about ready to explode with de sire; most others will be put off. Read the body language, and make your move (o r hold back). Even if you don't get to kiss her, most women respect confident me n, and asking for physical affection is the opposite of confidence. I learned th is from Girlfriend #1, whom I asked for everything and who never put out, and Gi rlfriend #3/Fiancee #1/Wife who was turned on by my manly self-confidence and ga ve me everything I wanted (and then some!). Got her souped-up enough to propose marriage to me.

This doesn't mean that you should do anything you want to a girl without "asking "; it means be a real man, keep your eyes open, and you'll know what she wants ( and if she wants it).

If you like a girl and are uncertain of the consequences of asking her out, suck it up you fat cock bitch and go for it. The only bad thing you can get is, "Go away," or "no." If that upsets you to the point of suicide, then you probably de serve to die anyways.

Shave your balls, see if you like it. More importantly, see if *she* likes it.

Get a piercing -- my nipple piercing got me my first ever threesome, no lie.

Talk to a girl you don't know. What's the worst that could happen? What's the BE ST?

Honesty really is the best policy -- It can hurt in the short term because peopl es' feelings can be hurt, but once you get yourself a reputation as "the guy who tells it like it is" then many many more problems are solved.

"Does this make me look fat?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Dear, I always tell the truth, remember? If it did, I'd tell you."

"I love you, let's have hot monkey sex."

"Gee, ok."

If you're after a girl and you're invited out with her and some mutual friends, don't go there drunk or even slightly buzzed. It will destroy all your chances w ith her because you WILL act like a tard no matter how much you try not to. Many nights have passed with me regretting my foolishness in letting that one perfec t girl get away.

Finally, "There's a million fine lookin' women in the world, dude, but they don' t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on ya."

Always get consent before attempting anal sex, she won't believe "I slipped.." s o don't try it. That's where guys get the reputation for not following direction s.

Chicks really dig the song, "Love Shack". Play it for them whenever possible.

At a nightclub? Then dance, you unsociable shithead. No girls will talk to a guy that looks like he's having a miserable time. That hotty on the dance floor won 't feel sorry for you.

Different Uses

TOOTHPASTE could be used as a pimple clearing agent if you dont feel like giving OXY your money. Or you're cheap. Or you could always use soap and water.

HAIRSPRAY gets out pen stains.

I use toothpaste to polish my silver, I bust out some rags, qtips and a tube of Aquafresh and go to town. It works remarkably well and then everything smells mi nty fresh afterwards!

Pert Plus will clean the grimiest of bathtubs. Squirt product on affected surfac e, allow to streak downward and apply moderate scrubbing vigor.

Add a smartie* into a carbinated drink located in a bottle with a removable cap. Shake it a tiny bit, let it dissolve, and it will look completely normal until you open it and it fizzez all over the place. Great for just randomly pissing of f people. Or, if you really want to get them, use crushed rat poison, but I'm no t sure thats completely legal.

*for those of you who don't know the name, they're those tasty colored pill look ing things, everyones had them at some point in their life

This is true for any mild detergent.

I prefer Pantene, which my wife uses when cleaning her brushes (she is an artist ).

I continue to be surprised at how few people realize that detergents can clean t hings that Ivory can't, and without leaving a residue.

Toothpaste will take scratches out of CDs. Buff from the centre outward with a c lean, soft cloth or sock only regular toothpaste, not the gelly kind.

The best way to get out red wine from carpet is to pour white wine on the spill.

The down side is now you've spilled two glasses of wine but the stain WILL come out.

Oh and Lynx Deodorant (or Axe as I think its called in the states) is a perfect cleaning agent for anything, and leaves the area smelling nice.

Taco Bell hot sauce is very good at cleaning pennies.

If you spill wine on a light tablecloth, and you don't have any white wine handy , pour salt immediately on the stain and let it sit there for a day or so before washing.

Lemons can be used for a lot of things. Make shoes look like new, get rid of cof fee/tea stains on old mugs, rust (put a lemon drenched cotton ball on the rust s pot overnight), polish copperware

You can use a half of potato to unscrew a broken lightbulb

Putting a board under your sofa cushions cures that saggy thing they all get.

Light a big piece of newspaper and stick it up your fireplace (not just in). Thi s warms up the chimney a bit and gets the smoke going up it.

Rubber Dish Gloves get cat hair off of furniture very well.

Cubes of sugar in biscuit barrels help the biscuits stay crisp.

Cubes of sugar in thermos flasks stop them getting smelly while they're empty

Want to keep your car smelling fresh without having to buy those stupid pine tre e air freshners that smell like shit? Take a dryer sheet and place it under your seat. April freshness!

Super cleaning, sticker removal, stain removal and more! - Lighter Fluid, the ki nd you put in your zippo. Its a great solvent, it cleans plastics, melts the glu e on stickers and always evaporates away to nothing. I use it for cleaning all s orts of stuff. Its good at getting tar and oil out of clothes, and its a great d egreaser for mechanical stuff. Its also cheap as fuck. brilliant for taking the price tags off gifts etc, even book covers. It's also good for cleaning foggy gl ass (with mineral deposits) when glass cleaner won't do it.

If you have a stone countertop with a stain in it, there is a simple solution to clean it.

Make a paste using bleach and flour. Smear the paste on top of the stain, and th en cover it with saran wrap and tape down the edges. Let it sit overnight, and i n the morning you should be able to wipe the paste off, which should have absorb ed the stain.

If it is really bad, you may need to do it a couple of times.

Old school trick to keeping glasses/goggles fog-free, learned from an old local racecar driver I know: if you don't have shaving cream, etc on you, rip open a c igarette and rub the tobacco onto your glasses or goggles. It'll keep 'em mist f

ree.

When I was taking scuba diving lessons, they had us wipe down our goggles with o ur own saliva to keep goggles from fogging up. It worked, too.

Keeping your mirror and eyeglasses free of post-shower mist - Many haircare and shaving products have water repellent properties. You can apply these to your mi rror and glasses to keep them from misting up. Shaving cream, hair spray, mousse style hair control stuff, etc. - all of these can be applied to your glasses an d/or mirror so you can see clearly to take care of what you need to in a misty p ost-shower bathroom.

Peanut butter takes off band-aid gooeyness and also helps get bubblegum out of h air

When smoking unfiltered cigarettes, the cap from a pen makes a great impromptu c igarette holder. It does a great job of keeping tobacco out of your mouth, and b ecause pen caps have little slits in the top you can still inhale the smoke.

Fabric softener sheets! These can be used for a shitload of things. They make te rrific dust cloths, perfect for electronics. It also makes a good insect repelle nt, just rub in all over before going outside, stick the sheet in a pocket or un der your hat, and off you go! Throw them in gym bags and closets, too. There are even more uses.

On the other hand, there is a clear jelly between the leaves of certain cattail species which makes an excellent 'all natural' alternative to Vaseline.

Round, fat-stemmed cattails, growing in water will have the most jelly, and spri ng/early summer is the best time to 'harvest'. If you have the drive, you might try gathering a bunch and drying it out; it's water based, and seems to reconsti tute readily. It's kinda like those water-storage crystals for houseplants.

Haven't tried this one, but hemmorhoid cream is supposed to clear up bags under your eyes- just carefully apply to the lower lid, let sit, then carefully wipe o ff. Preparation-H is also supposed to make kickass fish attractant (shark oils, etc. in the ingredients).

Two strips of duct tape on a sheet of notebook paper makes an excellent make shi ft funnel.

If you spill milk on a carpet (say, sitting down watching TV with a bowl of cere al on your knee) then a little vodka on the patch after you've wiped up will sto p if from smelling.

Poor man's iron: Get a spray bottle and lightly spray wrinkled clothes. As the w ater evaporates, the wrinkles will come right out (if you play your cards right, this will have happened before you put them on.

Better still, hang your clothes in the bathroom while you take a shower.

Addicted to candy/sweets/food in general? Buy a huge box of gum and pop a stick in your mouth whenever you get a craving. It will satisfy your oral fixation and stimulate your sugar-sensing taste buds without all the calories and ill-effect s. Or even better, find a healthy snack food you like - rice cakes, baby carrots , fruit - and keep it within arm's reach. Arrange your home to take advantage of your laziness.

Duct tape is wonderful, but it makes shitty packing tape.

If you smoke in your car, put one of those silicone absorber packets underneath the ashtray. It will make a big difference in the smell in your car.

If your lips are really chap and you have no chap stick, rub your index finger w here your nostril rises up, theres a type of greasy substance that is similar to the kind in chap stick.

Did you cut up onions and garlic for dinner? Prepared a delicious filet of fish? Either way, your hands now smell awful. Solution: grab anything made of stainle ss steel (a spoon works well), turn on the cold water and rub the steel instrume nt with your hands and fingers underneath the running water. Do this for about 3 0 seconds, then towel off, wash your hands with soap, and towel off again. If th is doesn't completely eliminate the smell, it will reduce it very significantly. This works with just about any smell on your hands, though of course garlic and fish are some of the most potent.

Throwing your clothes in the dryer for 5 - 10 minutes with fabric softener can t ake out the wrinkles.

Plastic foam packaging peanuts melt and burn for a very long time. They make for good fire starters. Just don't inhale.

Vinegar makes for a good Windex substitute. Vinegar will also clean hard water r esidue much better than commercial cleaners. When mopping, drop a capful of vine gar into the water, mop to get up all the stuck shit(always sweep first), and th en towel dry, then clean with new water, then dry again. Shiny. This is just ref resher like after real cleaning with power bleach for that four year old grime t hat is actually white.

If your pets are little bundles of static electricity, wiping them down with USE D dryer sheets tends to help.

An empty plastic soda bottle cut in half also makes an excellent makeshift funne l.

The margins of paper money make a fine place to write down phone numbers in a pi nch, just put it somewhere where you won't spend it accidentally.

Paint thinner cleans EVERYTHING but it works best on glass. Keep some in your ca r. It will even get that sweaty handprint out of your back window before your gi rlfriends sees it. Use newspaper to wipe too for a streak free shine.

Plus if you're broken down in the middle of nowhere you can use it to help start a fire.

If you ever get blueberry juice on anything, immediately pour boiling water over the stain. Don't put anything else on it first, or it'll set permanently. Boili ng water, mind. This works like a charm. I've saved many shirts and tablecloths that way.

Vinegar as a Windex substitution is excellent, but for truly streak-free windows , use newspaper instead of towels.

If you get permanent marker on something non-pourous that you dont want ruined ( like your kid drew on your file cabinet with a sharpie) try going over it with a dry erase marker. 9 times out of ten it will remove the permanent marker.

Got a stained carpet? Mix hydrogen peroxide with dawn dishwashing liquid and rub into the stain. Watch it disappear before your eyes. Works on everything I have tried it on.

Bloodstains, I find, come out best if you pour ice cold water through the fabric . Like the berry stains, don't get anything else on it until you can get the ice cold water, or that stain is set.

In an emergency, saliva is a pretty awesome cleaning agent. Good for things like blood in clothes (used this about five minutes ago).

Meat tenderizer also works for not only blood, but semen stains as well. True st ory.

Hydrogen peroxide gets blood out of clothes.

Hydrogen peroxide is just broken down by the enzyme catalase, and the resulting foaming is what cleans the wound. It is as effective as an antiseptic as water. It destroys and washes away dying and dead cell matter by oxygenating them. That 's all it does. There's actually a scientific debate on the effectiveness and po ssibly dangerous effects of hydrogen peroxide. It's regular use is proven to pro long wound healing time.

Okay, okay: http://www.ozoneservices.com/articles/008.htm

Hydrogen Peroxide is a disinfectant, but consumer-grade H202 is not that effecti ve at cleaning/disinfecting wounds. Some people maintain that the bubbling helps

get dirt and bacteria out of the wound, but that's a shaky argument, and hasn't been adequately researched, afaik. So don't bother with it, unless you feel lik e waiting 20 minutes:

____________________________________________________________

quote:

...hydrogen peroxide is known to be relatively slow in disinfecting. At ambient temperatures and pressure, 20 minutes of contact is recommended to disinfect a w ound.

____________________________________________________________

From http://www.a2c2.com/articles/lifeja...eText=lifejan02

So get some Neosporin.

Hemoglobin. Although it's not an enzyme, it has peroxidase activity, meaning it breaks down the hydrogen peroxide into water and oxygen gas. Those are your bubb les. It is this activity that enables us forensic folk to do presumptive tests f or blood. And that's one to grow on.

Catalase in your blood catalyzes the H2O2 -> 2H2O + O2 reaction, which happens n

ormally but slowly in the bottle (hence the loose caps, etc). The result is you have free O2 bubbles floating around on the wound site. The idea is the bacteria are oxidized and likely lysed (killed) by the O2. It's a good thing, you don't think its been used for years for the sake of a cool bubbling placebo effect? sh h

There are some people who believe that the O2 is also killing the healthy tissue around the wound, but I think preventing infection is a higher priority than a few easily regenerated cells on the edge of the wound.

When hosting a party, if there is an area you don't want guests coming to, tape bed sheets to the ceiling as a crude wall. This is crude, but it gets the point across, especially for a kitchen of a college dorm.

Lysol works as a cheap, effective and aromatically pleasing bug killer. If you h ave a hive of killer wasps hanign in your window, it'll probably only agitate th em, but it works wonders on flies and the like.

To kill skunk scent, or any related sulfurous smell (onion stink, etc), mix phar macy strength Hydrogen Peroxide with baking soda till no more baking soda dissol ves, and apply it to the source of the odor. Your dog may come out a tad blonde, but it will kill the stink! The Hydrogen peroxide turns the sulfur compounds in to non-smelly sulfates. A variant of this is used in chemistry labs to scrub the air exiting from glassware in which smelly sulfur chemistry is being done. Much more effective than tomato juice for skunk stink.

You can do laundry in a sink with your shampoo or just soap.

Ever pop a zit only to have a red mark appear that's just as bad as the zit itse lf? Buy some eyedrops and spread a single drop on the red area. Alot of eyedrop brands out there (especially the cheap ones) merely have chemicals that shrink b lood vessels, hence "getting the red out." After a few minutes of sitting on you r skin, the liquid should help diminish the redness.

To kill insects without using poison or smashing it everywhere, buy a can of tha t "compressed air" (no, its not really air) like for dusting computer keyboards. When that wasp flies into your room, turn the can upside-down and spray. The in sect will freeze solid, and you can dispose of it however you like. The gas will leave what looks like ice on your desk/carpet/whatever, but as it warms up it w ill evaporate in mere seconds. No fuss, no muss.

Even better, if you have access to laboratory supplies, I've seen cans that look identical to the compressed dusters, but which are specifically for flash-freez ing things.

Need to prevent blisters?

Screw moleskin... Duct Tape is the answer. Duct tape the hotspots on your foot ( or hands if you hate raking), this will completly prevent any friction on your s kin. This can be used both before and after blisters form. Wool socks are always a good idea too as they draw sweat away from your foot. (I learned this after b ackpacking with cotton socks and boots that didn't fit very well.)

Blisters already on the feet: cut off the skin on top and around edges, clean wo

und then duct tape, leaving old skin on can move under duct tape causing frictio n more ouch. Duct tape works like super skin. Don't take off tape until healed o r home.

Guitarists: Rub the tips of your fingers on your fretting hand on the sides of y our nose, natural grease will get you moving a little faster. Just be sure to cl ean your strings often.

Fantasizing often cures headaches, not masturbation though, that just makes your head throb.

Screaming while lifting heavy things makes it a lot easier if you don't mind bei ng a spectacle.

When I was in basic training, a couple of the guys in my squad discovered a neat little trick. We would take goldbond medicated cream (like for your feet) and a pply it liberally to our balls. This creates a very unique sensation. I think of it as setting a pair of very hot balls on a block of ice.

There were two occasions we did this on, if we were bored sitting around doing n othing, or before a long run. The cream kinda stays off some of the sweating dow n there, plus the icy sensation is like a little extra kick in your step!

If you cut yourself, use a 'super glue' (instant set type ones that glue anythin

g to anything). it forms an instant 'scab' and new tissue just grows through it to heal (this was a tip given to my brother by a doctor)

Does your mobile phone have a scratched up screen, carpet makes an excellent pol isher, just rub the phone facia on the floor (note, some carpet works better tha n others, experiment)

Tear gas is apparently great for colds. If ever you see a riot, and you have a c old, join the pack, and smash, smash, smash!

A dry dishwashing sponge is the best tool for removing cat hair from upholstery. Just wipe the affected surface in smooth strokes with the sponge, pausing occas ionally to remove the mat of hair that accumulates on the sponge.

If you have a long-haired pet, don't use finely-toothed combs or brushes to groo m it; they pull and tangle fur. Get an English rake (check Google) instead.

If your clothes smell like fish from fishing or whatever, pour a can of coke in the washer with your clothes and laundry detergent. The smell will be gone!

Put a slice or two of bread into the container you put freshly baked cookies- th e cookies will stay soft.

Stubborn oil filter - too tight to get a wrench in there? or too cheap to get on e? use sandpaper to grip it.

f you need to get gluey substances out of your hair, use WD40.

Honestly, who puts a fucking fly trap in front of a beer fridge anyway? I almost had to shave my head!

Wet a cotton swab with rubbing alcohol and clean your game cartridge with it. Mu ch better than the "blow hard while moving game up and down"

That reminds me, a deckhand told me this trick. If you go fishing, or handle sar dines or whatever, and want to get that fishy smell off, you will find washing w ith soap does not get rid of it, even after several tries. Put abunch of toothpa ste in your hand and rub it in good, the antiodor ingrediants will remove the st ink in 1 wash.

If attacked by a scorpion of some type, pour whiskey on its back (SA goons are k nown to be very adventerous). It'll sting itself to death.

Fuck shaving cream. Soap lather is all you need.

Beer is actually a really good substitute for shampoo. Just wash it out complete ly. It gets rid of the oils really damned well.

Nail clippers work as a makeshift Swiss Army knife in many situations, if you ha ve nothing else to use. The nail file usually has a pointed end and is good to o pen packages, and the clippers can be used for cutting more than nails.

Also, if you need to hold skin taught with soapy fingers while shaving, you shou ld wipe over with alum because it gives grip back on soapy skin.

Leg cramp bycarbonate of soda under the tongue, keep some beside your bed it wil l pull odours out of the the air also change frequently.

Superglue uses water or moisture to cure hard. Use on cuts.

Flat beer on a hot bbq to clean crud off.

Clean silverware by laying alumninum foil in your sink, filling it with warm wat er then put in some baking soda and salt (or laundry detergint instead of salt? I dont recall). Submerse the silver in the water and have it touch the foil. Jus t a few seconds or minutes and the silver will be restored.

You can open those annoying impossible-to-open packages (the plastic on the side s is sorta stapled down)t with mechanical pencils.

Health

You can lose weight by controlling your caloric intake and exercising within you r target heart rate.

KY jelly always works best for anal sex.

The cure for the common cold: Vitamin c ( like in orange juice), I buy the chewa ble kind, and take like 6 of them a day when sick. The cold will be gone within 2 or 3 days, if no vitamin c it can last up to a week.

Dropping a few squares of paper in the bowl improvs life roughly 400 million per cent. No yucky backwash. It also silences your ploppers, if you don't mind me sa ying.

Masturbation clears your sinuses if you have a stuffed up nose. If you need reli ef more often, stop just before you ejaculate.

I had a broken tooth near the back of my mouth and it would result in a terrible toothache that would spread along that side of my mouth. Whenever I masturbated and got close, it completely went away. If it wasn't for the chafing, I wouldn' t have needed to go to the dentist. Okay, that's enough.

If your nose is always stuffed, quit drinking cow's milk and eating dairy produc ts. Use alternatives like rice milk (awesome with rice krispies).

If you take a multivitamin before you go to sleep, you will wake up feeling a bi t more "ready to go" than you normally would. However, this is (supposedly) pret ty bad for some of your internal organs and therefore should only be done when y ou absolutely need to wake up without that awful "morning fog" that makes the re st of the day blurry and impossible to remember.

TOOTH BRUSHING

Brush your teeth. Floss, too. Not only will your mouth feel cleaner, it will act ually be cleaner. I went through a horrendous childhood full of dental tragedies because I was too lazy to get up and brush my teeth after every meal, and I tho ught flossing was a waste of time. It is not, at all. I promise. Go do it right

now.

You do not brush your teeth more than twice a day. Over brushing causes your gum s to receed, then teeth to fall out. There is also a technique to brushing your teeth, you dont just randomly scrub them with a brush or you get gums receeding and miss dirty spots. Also brush teeth after you floss, flossing mostly loosens debris, brushing gets it all out.

http://www.agd.org/consumer/topics/brushing/main.html

http://www.globaldentalcare.com/knowledgebase/brushing.htm

That pretty much covers it. Notice where it says going back and forth causes gum s to receed. Also when you floss, like the pic shows its kind of like shining a shoe. You can also ask your dentist for these little tablets that disolve, you t ake one after you brush your teeth, and any spots you miss turn pink from the ta blet, showing you where your brushing isnt getting.

Brush your tongue if you want your bad breath to go away. Not the front. WAAAAAA AY in the back.

Good advice. How'd I go about getting rid of the mondo gag-reflex that prevents me from doing this, though?

You don't. Try sticking out your tongue as far as you can first to avoid hitting the gag sensors in the back of your throat. To prevent vomiting don't brush 5 s econds after you eat while the food is still in your esophogus.

In addition to sticking my tongue out as far as it'll go, I always exhale, or ev en say "AAAHH" when I brush my tongue to prevent the gagging.

____________________________________________________________

quote:

1. What's the best kind of toothbrush?

2. What's the best kind of Breath Freshener?

3. What's the best kind of gum?

4. What's the best way to make your mouth smell fresh and feel clean?

____________________________________________________________

My Dad's a dentist, here's what he's taught me:

1. Sonicare, best electric toothbrush you can get.

2. Water. Seriously, a dry mouth is a great place for stinky bacteria to grow.

3. Big Red, but I don't chew gum that much.

4. Brush your teeth within 15 minutes after every meal. Floss and mouthwash at l east once daily. Drink water throughout the day. Gums and mints are ok, but they don't last, and if there's sugar in them it'll just make your breath worse late r.

Make the second to last wipe a moist type of wipe. Then dry with a bit of TP. Th ey make adult wipes now, but baby wipes are half the price and have more in the package. I never understood how nasty bastards can walk around with shit still o n their asshole and stain their drawers.

Wash your fucking hands after you shit. I don't care if you don't after pissing. As long as your dick is showered and placed in clean underwear, it shouldn't ma tter. Urine is sterile and most folks don't piss on their hands anyway. In fact, I sometimes wash my hands BEFORE pissing, cuz I don't want to get anything on m y pecker.

Don't listen to anything too loudly and your ears will be more perceptive. Turn the TV down to the lowest level you can, and do the same with music. This not on ly saves the fuck out of your hearing but it makes loud experiences that much mo re orgasmic, especially in regards to music.

Headphones > speakers

9 shallow 1 deep

8 shallow 1 deep

7 shallow 1 deep

(etc)

That is not a cryptic message at all, just think about sex. Think really hard.

You guys got it all wrong. It's NOT 9-1,8-1,7-1 etc

It's

9 shallow-1 deep

8 shallow-2 deep

7 shallow-3 deep

And so on and so forth. Works because its pleasurable variations for the female and something to keep the mind occupied for the male. Actually, it should be a r andom number of shallows and deeps, never with a pattern, because jackhammering doesn't give the female enough time to build up her juices etc.

Not a great tip, but when sexoring try to go for steady increases in speed over sudden bursts. Sure, the really fast pace will be great for her, but when you ge t tired quite quickly she'll be less turned on. If you start slow, and slowly ge t faster and faster until you're going like a machine, she'll go incoherent and never want you to stop. This also goes for oral. Look at it this way - would you like the girl to go really fast then really slow when she's wanking you off?

Instead of some stupid pattern, try actually shifting to a shallower position an d working slowly and steadily. If you are paying attention to her cues and not c ounting like a dumbass, you will notice her start to ramp up in her noises/activ ity, pay attention and listen/feel her build up to a crescendo of almost agitati on (its not a negative agitation), when you think she is at her peak point, then go deep.

And practice using vaseline or a condom, to become used to speed and to practice slowing down over a period of time in order to pull out (while still doing *som ething*) and let your other head calm down a bit so you can go for that much lon ger.

Yawn as much as you can on airplanes. This keeps your ears from popping and also prevents those awful airplane headaches. Something about yawning helps to stabi lize the air pressure in your head. Also, if everything seems very quiet, force a yawn...it will "pop" your ears put not in a painful manner. This also works fo r roads that have large altitude changes.

If you need to induce vomiting because you ate poison/are bulimic and dont feel like shoving a finger down your throat simply tilt your head back as far as it w ill go and tap firmly and repeatedly with your whole hand on the very middle par t of your throat where the windpipe and all actually is. Youll vomit pretty quic k if you let yourself.

Needing to burp but can't: Rotate your body/neck both ways, gas will rise up.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

The medicine go down.

The medicine go down.

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

In the most delightful way.

Toothpaste stings when you rub it onto your balls. Hey you might be into that ki nda thing, its a good trick.

Corollary:

Never try to squirt shaving cream into your penis's urethera.

IT BURNS!!!!

Except for the regular old 97 cent Barbasol.

On a related note, for the (heterosexual) girls:

Carmex is awesome for oral sex. Put some on your lips before you go down on a gu y. It has a tingly feeling that is very pleasurable.

If your ears need popping and you can't force yawns, try to go through the motio n of a swallow without letting your tongue touch your palate. Like a yawn, it'll open your throat and help your ears pop. A swallow of water sitting in the back of your throat helps when you do it, but don't choke.

Got hemhorroid? Stick fresh shredded potato up your arse.

You can clear your ears by holding your nose shut, keeping your mouth shut, then trying to breathe out (but not too hard). it supposedly makes a wierd squeaky s ound at least some of the time, but you yourself can't hear it. I do this all th e time.

If you are having a coughing fit, 9 times out of 10, if you say "chinese prostit ute" over and over it will make you stop. This works especially well if you are trying not to be heard, aka smoking in the woods outside your dorm.

When it comes to trimming your pubes, the microtouch is all you will EVER need. it is safe to the max and does a nice job with the adjustment head

Oh, and the Vitamin C with the common cold is purely psychosomatic.

To stop a coughing fit (when you swallow liquid): breathe in deeply and hold you r breathe for ten seconds, then you should feel ready to make one good cough to clear your throat. Breathe in and out slowly until the spasm passes.

If you want the freshest breath ever, use a really strong mint mouthwash like Li sterine until you can't bear it anymore, then immediately rinse out your mouth w ith the hottest water you can stand.

Use sunscreen!

Eat vegetables, and lots of them. Your parents weren't kidding.

If you get a cramp in your calf muscle, just straighten your leg in front of you and pull back on your toes, instantly goes away.

Fish oil pills really do reduce cholesterol.

Antibacterial soap in the long run will do you more harm than good. Excessive us e of AB soap on the body makes your body less resistant to smell-causing bacteri a, and same goes for your bodies resistance to disease/bugs/bacteria. My mother in law uses the stuff after every blink, breath, sneeze, door handle, peice of c utlery, dishes, and word... and she is CONSTANTLY sick. My wife as the Pharmacy/ Medical student she is swears that if her mother were to use less antibacterial stuff in the household (outside of it, different story.. isogel is a good idea i n a hospital, and even in public places) she'd be much more resistant.

To avoid getting leg cramps make sure that you're drinking enough water. Also, e ating bananas prevents cramps for some reason. And it wouldn't hurt to actually use your legs once in a while...

Potassium content. I used to get killer calf cramps that would wake me up scream

ing in pain in the middle of the night. Since I started taking a multivitamin, I havent had a single one.

Drinking plenty of water is also good for preventing constipation.

Vitamin C does work. I take 1000mg every day and I hardly ever get sick. If on t he rare occasion I do get a cold, I'll take around 4000mg a day along with 30mg of zinc. The cold is gone in 2 days.

I read up on it all on WebMD a while ago. They said you can take Vitamin C as mu ch as you want with no real risk. Other things however you need to watch out for . Zinc, for example, shouldnt be taken for more than 2 or 3 days in a row, and i n small amounts as zinc poisoning can result, if I remember correctly.

Actually, it's only the fat soluble vitamins that you can OD on. A, D, E, and K. All the other vitamins are water soluble and so will just get pissed out of you r system if you get too much.

Too much Vitamin C will give you a stomach ache and diarrhea, but no other detri mental effects.

I personally have had over 2000% of the daily allowance of vitamin C and all it did was make me feel energetic and pee orange.

The only time I wash my hands is right after I use the toilet, or if Im making f ood that other people are going to eat, or if theres visible dirt on my hands. O therwise I'll just wipe them off on my pants or something, I'll pick up and eat food that Ive dropped on the floor, amongst other 'unsanitary' things. I hardly ever get sick, I never get the flu, or the flu shot for that matter. I have been known to lick money to gross people out. Money is probably the dirtiest thing e ver.

Also I read somewhere that sleeping around boosts your immune system, this true?

The Flu - SLEEP, seriously as soon as you feel it coming get the fuck home and g et sleeping, force yourself to sleep as much as you possibly can. 2 parts LemSip (or Theraflu for our american friends) plus 1 part brandy, maybe a little honey if you want it sweeter, will help you sleep very well. With enough sleep you ca n kill flu in 48 hours.

Cramps - Less salt, muscle cramps are invariably caused by there being too much salt in your system. As we all know salt water conducts electricity, salty elect rolytes in your muscles end up "shorting" nerves and cause your muscle to spasm, which causes more current, more shorts etc. Drink more water and eat less salt. Fruit and Veg is also good.

Shake after taking a piss, or squeeze from the base to the tip, milking out the last few drops. Otherwise that last bit of urine will slowly drip out of your pe nis, making it itchy and smelly.

Smokers, if you get yellow arm pit stains on your clothes dilute some asprin int o water and soak the shirt over night..

Use pre-moisened toilet paper. It's just nicer, and it's very important to keep your ass happy. Sure, they're like baby wipes, but who cares? It is much cleaner than just smearing the shit all over your ass. Hey, they're used on babies for a reason! And they don't ball up and get stuck in your asshairs either.

When you blow your nose, keep your mouth open a bit. You can actually pop (as in , put a hole in) your eardrum if you do not.

Dr Scholls insoles work wonders.

To relieve stress I like to stab empty cans of hawaiian punch with electrical gr ound testers four or even five hundred times.

Wash your bedsheets once in a while. When you sleep, all the dead skin and other gross bacteria particles come off your body, creating a disgusting heap of nast y shit where you sleep. It might even smell depending on whether or not you are a sweaty ass greasy fuck. So wash them.

When I have a sore throat, I hock up all types of phlegm into some recepticle. F or a whole day sometimes. After that you take the sore throat stuff and it won't fade after just a few hours. That just might be me and my overreative mucus mem branes.

If you have a hemorrhoid take a bath using water as hot as you can stand

Dont eat yellow snow.

When you have to sneeze and you feel that itch in your nose. Squeeze the temple of your nose with 2 fingers where the eyes meet and it will go away, try rubbing it.

Stop bleeding from shaving cuts quickly: Vaseline. Or... buy a styptic pencil fr om a nearby drugstore. It may sting a little, but it will instantly close up any shaving cuts.

If your sinuses feel shitty, drop a tablespoon of Vicks or some similar soothing vapor rub in a small pot of boiling water and take a few deep breaths. It's nic e even if you're not stuffed up. Or put some of that Vicks on your chest and bre athe deep.

If you get a paper cut, glue it shut immediately with super glue. Works for othe r small cuts too; it just has to be right away before the bacteria load gets too high.

If you get one of those annoying cuts on your hands or fingers that don't really hurt but don't want to stop bleeding, go ahead and put super glue or krazy glue on it to seal it right up. Don't listen to those whiny stuck up preppy prick bi tches who say you will get an infection, they are pussies and have one too many sticks up their ass. I've been doing it for years and my hands are just fine.

DON'T BITE YOUR NAILS. IT'S GROSS. And you can get tapeworm. Also, it's a sign o f a psychological problem.

Carbonation will give you osteoperosis (have yourself another doctor pepper).

If your arm falls asleep, work your hand into the tightest fist you can and flex your arm a bit. If you do it fast enough, you won't get the pins-and-needles se nsation. Ditto with your legs falling asleep.

It's the Arginine that makes you erections harder.

Lysine and Zinc make your semen thick and plentiful, but also tasting of medicin e cabinet (your girlfriend probably won't like it).

Celery - Increases semen quantity considerably, and greatly ups the force at whi

ch you ejaculate. You will have to eat 10-15 large stalks for it to have any rea lly noticable effect, though, and that might make your stomach act up a bit. If you ask me, it's really not worth it, just add a few stalks to your diet alongsi de the pills and be done with it. Ingest 2-3 hours before sexual activity.

L-Arginine - Increases semen quantity by a metric fuckton after a few weeks, and also gives firmer, longer-lasting erections. Take one capsule (500mg) daily, an d another 3-4 capsules (1500mg-2000mg) a few hours before sexual activity. Withi n two or three weeks you'll be rolling eyes at Peter North's pitiful puddles. (T ake no more than 4-5 capsules per day.)

L-Lysine - This works with Zinc to increase the quantity of semen. Take one caps ule (500mg) daily, and another a few hours before sexual activity. (Take no more than two tablets per day.) After doing some research I came across the added bo nus that Lysine does seem to help with cold sores so it's two birds with one sto ne. L-Lysine intake should be kept at 1000mg per day. You can also take up to 20 00mg L-Arginine instead, it has the same effect. I should note that L-Arginine c an cause outbreaks of herpes if you carry the virus, however.

Zinc - This has two purposes. Firstly, it'll work with L-Lysine to increase the quantity of semen, like I said before. Secondly, and this is the best part, it'l l make your semen thick and Elmer's Glue white. As a bonus, it will also ensure good prostate health. Take one tablet daily, and another a few hours before sexu al activity. Or simply take the two at once. (Take no more than 50mg per day. Th is is very important. Taking more on a daily basis will render your body unable to absorb certain vital nutrients in regular food.) Excess Zinc mainly fucks up your absorption if iron. If you just start taking iron supplements, that can lea d to iron poisoning. Or the other way around, if you take too much Zinc, you'll become iron deficient and get iron-deficient anemia.

These are all, if taken in aforementioned quantities, harmless supplements to a regular diet, and chances are that especially the Zinc will do you good, as most people's diets nowadays don't include enough Zinc. All can be picked up at your local vegan health nut outlet. See, L-Arginine in particular is found in meat, and our meatless friends need it powdered and gelatine-coated so they don't shri vel up and die. A regular drugstore might also have it. Shop around.

What are these L- thingies?

Aminoacids. The L just means it has the L configuration, which is the one used b y the human body. Aminoacids can exist with the exact same atoms and bonds, only different in their orientation, so to say. So, if the amino group H2N is at the left side, L-aminoacid. If its on the right side of the carbon, D-aminoacid. Th e D- ones are found in bacterial products, antibiotics etc.

I can't speak from experience, but I heard drinking pineapple juice improves the flavor of the semen. Give it a shot if you're already trying the Lysine/Zinc an d maybe your SO will actually appreciate the gallons you shoot into her mouth.

Google thunder's place for more sex supplements

Long lasting sex?

There's a way to do this, with practice. It requires lots of the male form of ke gel exercises. Best way to start is just to flex them while you're sitting aroun d, after a week of this, practice cutting off the flow of urine mid-stream (with the muscles inside, using your hands doesn't count). Do this a few times every time you urinate. It's uncomfortable at first but after a few weeks of this like any muscle it'll get stronger. Then comes the hard part.. You should masturbate just up to but not to the point of climax. When you get there, stop and bear do

wn hard with those muscles. If you already feel ejaculate 'creeping' up, you've waited too long, give up. It'll take some practice but after a while you'll feel just where your point of no return is and you'll be able to get closer and clos er to it and fight it back down with your new muscles. You should do this every time you masturbate. Finally, a few times a day you should masturbate, _not_ to the point of climax. Just stop midway and put it away (this helps with firmness, not climax control). Eventually you'll get to the point that you can not only d elay your own orgasm while staying completely firm, but actually choose when to climax. Also it'll come out like a frickin' shotgun blast, since those same musc les are what cause the squirtin'.

I subscribed to SplitSoul's regimen shortly after I discovered it. I took the su pplements for a few months and it really does increase the volume and force of e jaculations, maybe by about 50% for me. It wasn't anything like peter north, but it was a bit more than I normally shoot. My girlfriend loves (loved) it. I don' t like celery so I didn't do that part.

White patches on the nails are a sign of zinc deficiency. Zinc deficiency also c auses erectile dysfunction, so if you have an inadequate supply in your diet, it can result in the inability get or maintain an erection, as the body conserves zinc suppies for other more important functions.

L-Arginine is an amino acid most commonly used to reduce high blood pressure. Hi gh blood pressure can interefere with libido, so a reduction in BP from taking l -argenine could increase erection length if you already had high blood pressure.

There's no good scientific reason why it would increase volume though.

If you want to lose weight, eat nothing but salads and minimal amounts of bread and meat. This is in no way healthy, but it worked for me. And run. Run a lot. R

un everywhere.

I'll swear by Echinacea till the day I die, easily. This is potent beyond words. The second I feel myself starting to get slightly ill I pop one and wham, I fee l better.

Also: positive thinking helps a shitton with sickness. If you believe you won't get sick form the petty shit, you won't. It sound corny as hell but it works.

This comes from a guy who used to get sick all the damn time, slight change in t emp, hallo, Bats is sick. These days, it has to be something totally hardcore to even slow me down.

Taking a 50 mgs of vitamin B-6 and 500 mg of Vitamin C a day will reduce risk of a lot of diseases

If you can't get rid of a cough you have, drinking a tablespoon of cod liver oil . It'll go away instantly.

When buying breathmints, make sure they're sugar free. Most bad breath is caused by bacteria buildup in your mouth, and bacteria feeds off sugar. What's freshen ing your breath when you take a mint is actually the influx of fresh saliva whic h kill the bacteria, but if you've introduced sugar into the mix you're just fee ding those that survive so they can reproduce quicker; however, I'm pretty sure

that the bacteria in your mouth can live off sugar-substitutes just as well as s ugar itself, even though we're unable to digest them. Oi.

Chewing gum when you're not eating makes the stomach jump into action, but has n othing there to digest. Somehow this creates stomach ulcers (I'm not a scientici an sorry).

Wash and keep wounds clean with baby shampoo. It has a pH close to 7 (neutral) a nd doesn't sting. Makes big burns heal three times as fast.

If you're going to a convention or something where your fat ass has is going to be on your feet all day, sprinkle your junk with gold bond baby powder. It keeps your thighs and taint from chafing and you don't have to worry about smegma.

To prevent crotch rot, get some spray on anti-perspirant /deodorant and spray a little in the area between your crotch and your inner thigh. It will keep you fr om sweating and help with odor. Be sure to use the unscented kind in case someon e goes down there, they won't taste anything weird. Try just a little bit at fir st to make sure your skin isn't sensitive to it.

When you are done wiping your ass, use a baby wipe to finish the job. This will prevent skid marks.

Doing a poo once a day or so can prevent painful bowel ruptures.

Supposedly mouthwash kills the taste of sperm. Just have her use some mouthwash before you guys get started. Next time the girlfriend doesn't feel like swallowi ng, you'll remember this. I've yet to try it, however, as I just heard about it a week or so ago, so I don't know how true it is.

If your stomach hurts real bad from spicy food, simply relax and quit clenching your stomach, close your eyes and start breathing in through your nose and out t hrough your mouth.

Don't eat food after 6pm. You'll lose 100lbs in 4 months. (As long as you don't keep eating McDonalds, fatty)

Grape and cranberry juice makes climbing stairs a cinch. (Helps respiratory syst em)

Sex = stress relief (as does whacking) but only if you manage to orgasm.

Normal sleep cycles = happiness

Oh, and actually there's no clinical evidence for Vitamin C as a cold cure. It h elps for prevention, though. Take a multivitamin regularly and get some excercis e, and you'll get sick far less often.

If you've just had a body piercing, avoid using strong antiseptics on it - whate ver your friends tell you. Wash your hands before you touch it, don't fiddle wit h it, and avoid using anything stronger than salt water on it.

Just because its soap doesn't mean it is clean.

What is with all you people who want to stop a sneeze? Sneezing feels awesome an d in no way should ever be avoided. I get pissed when I feel a sneeze come on an d it doesn't come out. Looking up at a light doesn't work for me.

For sore throats & canker sores: gargle with warm salt water. It's gross but eff ective.

You can suppress the urge to sneeze by pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Works every time.

Also, for all you people who lift/climb/put static stress on your muscles. Tape. Tape often, and everywhere. You might not appreciate it while you're out there,

but when your done, your muscles will appreciate it, and when you're older, you r body will love you for it. Plus you'll be able to climb longer and stronger.

If you have evil ninja itchy nasal hair and want to control it, but lets face it , pulling it is mgjesusthatfrigginghurts painful try this. Get a lighter and you know you can easily pass your finger through the flame, waft the lighter under your nostrils and *very* gently inhale. For the sake of god start further away t han you think and move in till you hear a fizzle as they burn/melt. You shouldn' t really feel any heat at all if you do it right (i've used this tech. for years now, learn it and never itch/hurt again)

If you have never done it before, next shower/bath give your butthole a bit of a feel/diddle. Cleanliness is godliness.

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What is the best tool to use to trim pubic hair?

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Trim first with scissors.

Then, it depends. You can either go with an electric shaver (which is what I use d for a while and it worked great except for the times it grabbed my skin down t here) or you can take a gamble and use Nair (for men or women, it doesn't much m atter). I'm not saying always walk around with a bald patch, but if your skin ca n handle it (and in most cases, the skin above the twig and berries can) it's be st to go bald and then maintain from there. At least from what my experience has been.

Two things to remember:

1. Electric razors cause abrasion. Actual razors cause cuts that go deep. You're dealing with the cock and balls. You decide which sounds better.

2. Unless you have some horrible deformity that causes dreadlocks to grow from y our scrotum, don't shave the balls. Ever. At all. Even if you're offered money. The threat and subsequent pain of razor burn down there is not worth anything. Y ou have not experienced pain until every step you take and every move you make ( LOL POLICE LOL) causes your balls so much pain you will wish for a .45 every 3 s econds.

I use my goatee/sideburn trimmer. It has a little adapter at the top that can be adjusted to various lengths.

I'll usually go balls out (lol) and take the adapter off when working way down b elow the scroat. I like to have as close to no hair as possible.

If you have a cold, and a runny nose, but are about to be in a social situation where stuff coming out of your nose isn't particularly attractive, angle your th umb like so(find picXXXXXXXXXXXXX), place it over the nostril, and use it like a plunger. I don't imagine it's particularly healthy, but hey, it stops stuff dri bbling down your face.

A very good exercise routine if you are already in decent shape:

Find a moderate length staircase. Somewhere around 15-20 steps. Do ten rounds of up/down. Do this every day. Increase five rounds every few weeks or so. I usual ly get tired after 35, and I've been doing this for over a year.

It's great because it's incredibly short (5-10 minutes), but very very intense. Just be sure to alternate what leg you turn on at the top and bottom of the step s, however, or else you end up with all sorts of shit wrong with your turning le g.

This a great exercise but be warned, it's very hard on your shins. Running up wo oded hills is great if you can do that instead, but this is the best alternative I am aware of. Also, after doing a tough workout, give your body time to heal t he next day.

Oh yeah, I always stretch a lot before/after. I guess I should have put that in, heh. Bruce Lee was always stretching. It's like the secret to all health stuff.

IF THERE IS WATER STUCK IN YOUR EAR

Shake your head left and right real fast and you will feel that warmth and the w ater will go away. This has never failed me yet. It did give me a headache once but that's because I was drunk the night before.

I tilt my head to the side the water is in, place my palm against the water clog ged hear and use my hand like plunger. That works for me.

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I tilt my head to the side the water is in, place my palm against the water clog ged hear and use my hand like plunger. That works for me.

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Sounds like a good way to really damage your eardrum.

Personally I don't like shaking your head to get the water out. A really fast an d effective way is lie down on 1 side where the water is, in your ear, get yours elf (or someone else to make it easier) to pour alcohol. BEST TRICK EVER!!!!!!

If you want to tone, work out for a long time with easier runs/lighter weights.

A good trick to exercising is to work different sections of the body different d ays. That way you can work on your arms as you give your stomach time to heal.

There is always time for a few sets of pushups and sit-ups in the morning, and t hey are free.

Nike and sakoney shoes run thin. New Balance shoes run wide.

Don't play basketball in running shoes or you risk twisting your ankle.

When spelunking, always wear a helmet, and always have a spare flashlight. Caves are one of the few places you can see absolute darkness, and it sure as hell is n't a place you want to be stuck. Go with a friend, and make sure people know wh ere you are.

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speaking of bleach (sorry to derail with a Question but it still sort of fits)

Someone once told me that their dentist advised them to use Bleach as a mouthwas h.

my immediate reaction was "Well, it would get your mouth pretty clean but there' s always the downside of DEATH!"

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They insist a dentist advises it though.

ISN'T THIS BAD!?!?!

Actually, no. It's pretty good for your gums to do it once every few days, and i t keeps your mouth clean from harmful bacteria.

If something seems like it could hurt you, don't do it.

The most common toothbrush technique that the dentist will reccommend, is instea d of moving your hand back and forth across your teath, twist the brush so the b ristles move up and down.

To all those saying that they take like 1000-2000mg of Vitamin C daily, and then when they have a cold they up it to like 4000mg:

Bad idea stupids.

The recommended daily intake of vitamin C is 60mg. Too much vitamin C can lead t o gout, kidney stones, diarrhea, and decreased copper levels (and decreased copp er in your body can lead to anemia and stunted growth [mostly in children]).

30 minutes of a moderate aerobic activity (like walking at 3.5mph) will increase your metabolism for a few hours.

Exercise: Running is bad for your knees over a long period of time. Biking is be

tter.

If you want to improve your flexibility, a good way is to squat, and put your ha nds beneath your feet (do this on carpet with no shoes on, else it's going to hu rt). Slowly stand up and try to straighten out your knees, while keeping your ha nds beneath your feet. Go as far as you can. Hold for 30 seconds. Go back into s quatting position. rest for 15. repeat. Do this everyday, and you'll find yourse lf much more flexible. If you can already perform this without any problems, mak e it harder. Try to touch your head to your knees, etc.

Also, When you stretch, try not to shake. Be as still as you can, as far as you can stretch. Try to stretch and hold positions as long as you can to get a bette r stretch. I know it's really tempting to flap your knees when you're doing a bu tterfly but all you're really doing is resting instead of stretching, and lookin g like the saddest butterfly in the world

If you're afraid you might have a disease, you might try tasting your piss. Most major ailments can be detected by the salt content of your urea. (salty vs swee t). The saltier, the more likely you have a problem.

I can't discount your claim, but if the urine is sweet, then you probably have d iabetes.

Tonsiloliths, tonsil stones, or little whitish globs of godawful stench you may cough up.

Do you have your tonsils? Have you ever coughed up a little whitish thing that h as the most hideous halitosis stench to it? Have you ever looked at them? Grab a flashlight, go to the bathroom and shine the flashlight at the back of your thr oat--reflected off the mirror is likely easiest. Are your tonsils smooth? Then i gnore this. However, if you see either little white-ish things here and there, o r large pits, called tonsil crypts.

What happens is that food particles or whatever get caught in the crypt, and bec ome a breeding ground for bacteria. The whitish stuff IS bacteria, and the resul t of bacteria. Because of them, your breath, no matter what, shall probably not smell as fine as it could. The only way to actually fix this condition is to hav e your tonsils removed. However, you may remove the tonsiloliths by getting a bu ndle of q-tips, soaking them in Hydrogen Peroxide, and rubbing the soaked q-tip on the tonsilolith. A surprisingly large number of them are usually packed in ea ch crypt, but removing them will help.

To slow their return, keep your mouth CLEAN. Brush more, and gargle salt water a s part of your brushing ritual.

Also, drink more water. This simply improves your life anyway.--Echoed all over the thread.

Urine is a natural bacteria killer. You can piss on wounds after accidents to ke ep safe

If your new to weightlifting, realize that over-lifting will actually make you w orse. If overwork a muscle group it will stop growth until it heals.

For the love of god, if you work out your chest, arms and backs to a great exten t, work out your fucking abs and legs. I have seen people that have little legs and an enormous upper body. Their legs can barely support their body and they ha ve a lot of trouble.

If you are running and close to hyper-ventilation or coughing, breath in only 2 or 3 times really quickly and breath out 4 times really quickly. Repeat 3 or 4 t imes. This will stabilize your breathing.

The side-effects of some medicines are worse than the conditions they cure.

Wash your hands, you filthy fuck. Even if you use (and carry) that air-drying ha nd-sanitizer stuff you'll find that you get sick less often. You're usually stic king your hands around, or on your face more often than you think

In a bad mood? Exercise. Exercising makes the brain release endorphines. Think o f it as the body's reward for hard work.

If you get into a car crash, don't shrug it off just because you can't feel anyt hing. An injury (ie. a whiplash) can cause a world of hurt later on. As you age, these injuries, which usually don't heal 100%, turn into something much worse. I did some work for a patient who bashed her knee in a car crash. Since she didn 't go to physiotherapy, some fucked up shit developed in her right knee, and she had to get the whole leg removed. No joke. So, in short- see a doctor, go to ph

ysio, and see a fucking doctor. Okay?

Do stretches in the morning and night. Not only does it ease the future tension that you'll be forcing on your joints throughout the day (stronger muscles = les s pressure on joints), increasing blood flow works wonders for your body.

Drink water whenever you're studying. Studies show that most people can concentr ate and learn much more if they keep their brains hydrated. It helps flush out y our filthy system- why the hell not, then?

If you have a minor cut that's making you bleed a lot, put corn starch or flour on it. It helps the blood clot a lot faster

Throw cold water all over your face in the morning, hell, rub it into your eyes! It improves blood circulation. Not only will you feel a lot more alert and awak e, but the whites of your eyes will be much brighter, since they can't resume th e whole "I had 5 hours of sleep" looks that most of us University students are u sed to. As an added bonus, it, for whatever reason, makes that gunky stuff in yo ur eyes collect in your tear ducts so you can clean that shit out.

If you plan on taking psychoactive drugs, give someone else your gunlock keys.

Cetaphil Moisturizing Lotion makes for an awesome aftershave and has helped me r educe those red bumps. Amazing after only one week of using it.

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NEVER USE Q-TIPS. You'll give yourself an impaction, which is bad news bears. Yo ur ear makes earwax for a reason, almost always in reaction to something like lo ud noise, an infection, or occasionally allergies. If you have some build-up goi ng on, go to a free clinic and get them to take a peek and give you some advice. Either way, don't stick anything in your ear. Get some ear drops and cotton bal ls and let it drain out naturally.

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And they make Q-Tips for a reason. Obviously, you don't want to be an complete f ucking retard and jam it all the way in so it comes out the other side. You ligh tly press the q-tip in there and make a circular motion with the q-tip touching the walls of the tunnel. Everyone builds up excessive ear wax, this is no specia l medical condition. The moral is, using q-tips is not dangerous unless you're a retard like this girl:

Exercise like a fucking bodybuilder

Ever heard of runner's high? It's not just for running. The high that can be inc urred from exercise is equal to or greater than that of any ingestable drug. I r ecommend weight lifting, but honestly you can get by with just about anything as long as you do it with INTENSITY. Slumping around, walking on a treadmill, lift ing the same amount of weight you've been lifting for a year, trying to not brea k a sweat is USELESS. I mean, sure it's better than total inactivity, but that's not a very good thing to tell yourself. Being in neutral is not better than bei

ng in reverse, you're trying to go FORWARD, right? And even if you don't need to get in better shape, it is good for your overall well being and mental state to train like you have to. As long as you don't overdo it (soreness is good, all-d ay fatigue is not), get enough sleep, and don't eat preservative-laden bullshit, it WILL benefit you, no matter what shape you're in.

To unblock your ears when on an airplane, pinch your nose and try to blow air th rough it while wiggling your jaw from side to side!

The best way I've found of making sure I go to the gym is to incorporate it into my shedule. Rather than making a conscious effort to "go" to the gym, I simply follow up whatever I'm doing by stopping by after. If you have classes/work all day, this might not sound appealing, but then you have to remember to treat it a s no big thing, just a little extra task. Makes it much more satisfying once you get back home and crash out for the night.

"Low fat" and "low sugar" is NOT good enough. Pick up a health magazine and you might find a comparison test (e.g. Men's Health for Uk'ers). I've seen things li ke a "low fat" biscuit snack that is equal in calories to a whole three course m eal.

For anyone getting a piercing, research the topic carefully. Learn about the pro cess itself, after effects and maintenance. Think about what it says about you a s person. If you're thinking about getting a tattoo, consider a piercing. It's e vocative, but it's not permenant. Facial piercings might affect your ability to play sport, and the way you sleep. Tongue piercings have the danger of scraping the enamel off your teeth. As for piercings below the waste, it *will* help you score, but if you're a bloke, it is intensely painful and you'll be pissing bloo d for a while when you get it done.

Fat girls listen up. You need to work out. Movement works wonders.

I will smack the fat off another fatty who says "I can't work out, I don't want to bulk up and look like a man".

Taking high doses of Vitanim C and E have been shown to reduce the risk of alzhe imers by 68%

Nosebleed? Roll up a bit of a napkin about about as long as your last knuckle an d place it under your upper lip. The pressure light pressure will stop the blood flow almost immediately.

A slightly less comfortable way would be to apply pressure by pressing your uppe r lip, right under your nose, against your upper teeth. it does work; however i' ve found the johnny pneumonic method of breathing in heavily thru the nose, then out thru the mouth, to work best and quickest for me. it results in a bit of bl ood swallow-age but that's going to happen.

To those attending rock concerts: Wear earplugs. I don't care if you think you a re superhuman or that it looks "lame". Those nerves in your ears will NEVER grow back. Take it from someone that had hearing damage before they could walk (chro nic sinus problems and ruptured eardrums... and I'm a musician. Go figure...)

Eat a banana every day and you'll never have to buy toilet paper again. i dont k

now how this works, i dont want to know how this works. it just does.

I'm pretty sure you should anyway, just to be sure, you sick, sick bastard. Bana nas cure depression, too. Potassium or something..

If you get burnt cooking/playing with fire/making napalm, soak the burn in pickl e juice. It will make it stop stinging for while. Trust me, I've worked as a coo k for the last 3 years and I've burned myself enough times to know that this wor ks. (I think it has something to do with the vinegar in the pickle juice. Straig ht vinegar might work too, but I've never tried it. Cold pickle juice is always quite abundant in resturaunts, usually by the bucket full.)

Masturbating too often will make you feel cold easier and your voice shakier/hig her and generally harder to hear - feeling the chill, your muscles will be more tense and your anxiety level will be higher, and your palms will be clammy. Not to mention your dick chaffed, sore, and numb.

If you don't masturbate at all for a whole week, you can go outside into freezin g weather with just a t-shirt on and still feel like you are burning up. Your vo ice will be deeper and louder. You will feel more aggressive and confident overa ll. And girls will know that you are horny and will be making a lot of eye conta ct, it's a good time to pick up on them.

As a rule of palm though, once every two or so days is probably a good enough mo deration to keep you away from the extremes of empty/full ballsacks.

If you get an ingrown toenail started cut a V shape out of the middle of the nai l and now when it grows it will fill in this area effectively pulling the ingrow n toenail out

Razor cut use a stypyic pencil or antiseptic alum block--great for stopping shav e rash and good on freshly attacked zits, drys them out instantly, shrinks wound s leaving them virtually un-noticable, great if going out, also can be used as a n anti-perspirant and doesn't conflict with aftershave or perfume.

Flu sypmtoms, before the bug takes hold get an aspirin into you, as a probiotic it helps your bodys immune system to fight the bug, drink a heap of water, rug u p and go to bed, most probably you will wake up the next day flu beaten and your immune system one hell of a lot tougher, wash your hair well the next morning.

If you let the bug take hold -> eg: go to bed then wake up and have aspirin the above doesn't work.

Pinch nostrils together and breathe through mouth for a bloody nose, don't tilt head back.

After castrating tar up the wound or not.

Wipe the oil from the side of your nose onto dry lips.

If sea sick drink water after each hurl to stop dry heaving and stomach ripping.

Ph 4.5 to 5.5 is hair skin and nails so wash with shampoo much better than a neu tral ph 7.0 as this can dry skin.

If sitting for ages and getting clogged for a crap do some sit ups to break it u p a bit.

When shaving your balls, don't put aftershave on them. It hurts...Alot.

Be sure to use a bit of toilet paper to wipe off the tip of yor dick after you t ake a piss.

Even if not for the ladies, just do it for personal hygiene's sake.

The best way to avoid razor burn in the sensitive regions is either unscented de

oderant or hydro-cortisone cream.

UNCIRCUMCISED

Pull the foreskin completely back and scrub the entire head/foreskin area with s oap every day in the shower. You'd be amazed how many uncircumcized guys don't d o this. It makes a world of difference. I do it and I haven't seen smegma in yea rs.

Also, whenever you urinate, pull the foreskin all the way back to do it (as if y ou were circumcized). Not only will you have a thinner stream and better aim, bu t it's much cleaner for you.

You'll also be especially sensitive to under-moisturized vaginas. When having se x, make sure she's very, very wet before putting it in. Use a synthetic lubrican t if you need to.

If you're in or past puberty and you can't pull the foreskin back all the way, s lowly stretch it (over days, weeks, or months) until you can. Once a day, pull i t back until right before it hurts, and keep it like that for a few minutes. If you can't do this, see your doctor. It's extremely unsanitary and unhealthy to k eep it un-pull-back-able past puberty, and if you do, you may have to get yourse lf circumcized as an adult. From what I hear, this is not a pleasant experience.

HICCUPS

Hiccups are caused by a muscle spasm in the diphragm. That has jackshit to do wi th your throat or mental abilities. It is located right near (right under I beli eve) the lungs. So the BEST way to get rid of hiccups is to inhale and hold your breath. If you like you can also lower forward while sitting. This puts pressur e on the diaphragm and holds it in place making it stop from spasming.

Because the spasming diaphragm is a muscle, thinking about something/holding you r breath/taking deep breaths relaxes or gets you to think of something other tha n your chest. Best thing to do is just lay down and completely relax your chest for a minute. It works.

Hiccups are caused by your diaphragm being tired (and spasming because of this). With this in mind:

-Breath slower, to give it a rest

-Hold your breath, to give it a rest

-Do something active, to get some adrenalin running so it perks back up

Common solutions, include:

I was always to hold my breath for 15 seconds. A friend got the hiccups one time and I shouted at her, "Hold your breath for 15 minutes!" . The key is, try not to think about your hiccups. If you don't hiccup while you're holding your breat h, you're cured. Or maybe when you don't think about it, its contractions become slower.

You could hold your breath and press your earlobes against your eardrums. Keep h olding your breath for 30 to 45 seconds. You look like a moron, but it works eve ry time. The breath part is probably more important.

Try a spoonful of sugar on the roof of your mouth. My Nana used to make me eat a spoonful of sugar when I got them as a kid. Nasty as fuck, but that worked too. A teaspoon of white vinegar will cure hiccups, too. Or maybe it's the laughter from acting silly... I don't know, but it works. There's also drinking a glass o f water upside down.

A few people said you could just hold an ice cube against your adam's apple for 60 seconds. Supposedly a really good method.

This one requires another person who is participating. Say to the other person, "Okay. I'm going to tell you the next time I have to hiccup." Now, you must plan on doing this. Should you feel like having a hiccup, say something. Chances are , though, you won't feel the need to say anything. You concentrate on the other person and your hiccups, then a minute later, they're gone. I've done this a num ber of times now and it has yet to fail me. I've seen others do it as well. One caveat - the other person must be participating. You can't pick some random pers on across the room and say to yourself that you'll tell them when you have to hi ccup. Having someone else is key.

Could just concentrate on the next one and try to say something like "beep" just before. You should stop hiccuping. Just make sure you're concentrating on the n ext hiccup a lot. It almost never comes. This must all be tied in to that relaxi ng thing.

SNEEZING

What is with all you people who want to stop a sneeze? Sneezing feels awesome an d in no way should ever be avoided.

To prevent yourself from sneezing, at least for a pretty good time period, tap y our index finger firmly and repeatedly against the side of your nose towards the top, the area where it is hardest. God only knows how I figured that one out.

About to sneeze: Suck on the roof of your mouth.

Feel a sneeze coming on and can't get her out?

Stare at a light. Always works. It might be because the fact you're usually look ing up at lights on the ceiling, but I'm not sure.

There was small article about this in the back of a popular science once. Eviden tly bright lights only affect ~25% of people (myself included) when they're tryi ng to sneeze and there's an actual name for this condition, which I can't recall . http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_303.html Photic sneezing.

If you don't want to sneeze, try saying the words "watermelon pits". I have no i dea why this works, but it does. Enunciate clearly; it will stop you from sneezi ng. You can mouth the words too (something to do with moving the nose around sto ps the itch?).

To stop a sneeze: gently pinch your nose as soon as tickling starts. Breathe in and out slowly and release.

Surefire way to prevent a sneeze - hold your eyelids open.. your body refuses to sneeze unless your eyes are closed. Well, you might blow your eyes out of your head, but then you'd get into the Guinness Book of World Records like those othe r freaks.

When you have to sneeze and you feel that itch in your nose. Squeeze the temple of your nose with 2 fingers where the eyes meet and it will go away, try rubbing it.

You can suppress the urge to sneeze by pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Works every time.

Fooding and Drinking

When making tomato sauce for pasta, cut off a piece potato and cook it with the sauce. It removes a lot of the acidity.

The way I learned it, you add a tiny sprinkle of sugar - this somehow magically makes the acidity go away.

Also add a whole peeled large carrot for added sweetness, plus the carrot at the end is yummy.

Somebody else already mentioned you can also use sugar; I'll one-up that by sayi ng I like to use a tablespoon or so of grape jelly (or other flavor) instead, wh ich balances out the acidity and adds a nice note of flavor to the sauce.

My dad's worked for Butternut for awhile, and he taught me how to tell which bre ad is more fresh. There's a color code subtly incorporated through the bread tie . The color of the tie represents the day on which the bread was baked:

Monday - blue

Tuesday - green

Thursday - red

Friday - white

Saturday - yellow

Wonderbread has the same code, but I think other companies are probably differen t.

This should be the same for most bread at the supermarket. And to help you remem ber, the colors are in alphabetical order. BGRWY for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

Stick your finger in fizzy soda to make the fizz go away faster.

I figured this out in 8th grade but when I do it to other peoples drinks they fr eak out.

To get rid of excessive beer foam in your glass, wipe your finger on your nose a nd get some greasy nerd-oil on your finger, and swirl that finger in the glass. The foam will go right away.

To pour a guinness properly follow this easy guide.

Pour slowly into a tilted glass. Do not pour directly into the drink itself. Whe n the glass is 3/4 full, stop pouring and allow to sit for a few minutes until t he drink has settled nearly completely. You can now top it up by pouring directl y into the glass.

To keep lettuce fresh for days longer, wrap it in paper towels instead of inside a plastic bag, it works very well.

If you want to eat spicy foods but are a total pussy like me, do NOT let the hot part of the food touch the rear sides of your tongue because that is where the tastebuds that detect spiciness reside.

Always tear your salad greens. Cutting salad greens chops open the cells. This m eans that the green leaks out quicker, and it'll brown faster. If you tear lettu ce / spinach / endive / whatever, you'll find your salads looking fresher longer .

When you measure flour out, use the back of a knife (a straight edge) to "cut" a way the extra flour. Take a big, heaping measuring-cup-full, and tap the top wit h the back of the knife. Tap, and push the excess off. This shuold take about 30 seconds - if you're just cutting off the excess, you're not doing it right. Flo ur bunches up, which means you can have big pockets of air in a cup. You may thi nk you're getting a cup, and really only be getting a few tablespoons.

Always use real butter, real sour cream, and real half and half. Those dairy pro ducts have strong, heavy flavors and really make a difference in cooking.

Always eat your toast upside down. that way the butter goes on your tongue. it t astes much better.

Pretzels taste best if you first suck on them for a while to get the salt off, b ite them into little pieces using your incisors (non-molar teeth, whatever they' re called), then swallow the pieces. That way you get the good salt taste and yo u eat them, but you don't get the annoying chewed pretzel gunk sticking in your molars.

Put some absorbant paper under your cheese in the fridge, all excess moisture wi ll be absorbed by the paper and the cheese won't become moldy.

For a quick meal, seal some fish in tinfoil with whole vegetables. Heat at 420 f or about 20 min.

To peel garlic, put a clove on the cutting board and smash it with the flat side of your knife.

Always put frozen spinach in a towel and squeeze out the water before using it i n any type of dish.

After straining pasta, run the strainer with the pasta in it under cold tap wate r. This will make the pasta not stick together.

Or even better take the pasta water itself and retain it, then pour that back ov er. This creates an emulsive effect that will keep the pasta warm for a long tim e.

Only problem with this is that now nothing will stick to the pasta. If you want sauces and other things to stick, leave that starch on there.

Don't rinse cooked pasta off with water. just add a few drops of olive oil to th e water while it's boiling and it wont stick,. And you wont lose the starch of t he pasta for the gravy(sauce)to stick.

Do not wash your pasta, unless you're making a pasta salad. If you're serving sa uce with pasta, keep the starch on. Putting olive oil in the water is useless, a

nd a waste of olive oil. Always salt the water in your pot, but wait until the w ater has come almost to a boil before adding it.

I think the main point of adding just a bit of olive oil to boiling water is to keep it from boiling over.

Salt is not just a seasoning, it is a flavor enhancer. That's why just about eve ry recipe for cake, for example, calls for at least a pinch of salt. On the othe r hand, don't over-season with salt when you're cooking. You can always add salt later.

Taste frequently when you cook stuff. Unless you cook urine.

Buying spices whole, and grinding them in a coffee-mill, gives you more flavor, longer shelf-life, and an erection. That last thing could just be me.

If you own a pool, Diametrecious Earth (the white powder stuff you use for the f ilters) works a lot better than flour.

If youre opening a bottle of wine, dont put the point of the corkscrew directly in the center, as the point is not centered with the rest of the spiral. Less br oken corks!

Or better still don't use a corkscrew if you can get hold of a two-pronged cork puller instead.

To cook the perfect Digiorno/Freschetta/etc rising crust pizza:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F

2. Place pizza on the middle rack, no pan.

3. Cook 16-18 minutes for "delivery" style crust (slightly crispy, still able to fold without cracking), 25-28 minutes for brick oven style crust (crispy, crack s when folded).

Use a sturdy potato masher to crush eggs for egg salad. Works better than a fork or anything else you're likely to try.

We only used our potato masher once for potatos, and for eggs about 100 times.

If you need to slice a lot of mushrooms, I have discovered that a good egg slice r does it extremely quickly.

Never leave a pan oil.

If you plan to fillet a whole fish, you don't need to gut it first.

When boiling(instead of mmm...roasting) corn on the cob, start with the corn in cold water and put it on a medium heat. When the watter is at a full boil, the c orn will be ready to eat.

When you make chili or salsa, always try to make it at least a day ahead of time . It gets so much better when you let the flavors blend.

Kegerator will keep your beer fresh for 40 days versus a hand tap will only last for about 18 hours.

When you dip a cookie in milk, use a spoon to lift so that you can dunk it all t he way down and still get it up without getting milk on your fingers.

If you ever feel sick to your stomach, suck on an orange peel. The acid will red uce the sick feeling.

If you use a kettle to boil water, you know it collects a white scum in the inte rior. Boil some vinegar and it dissolves instantly.

On a related note, if you have a pot or pan with crap stuck to the bottom, put w ater in the pot and put it on the stove on high heat for a while. If that doesn' t work add a splash of alcohol. Then try vinegar. You've pretty much covered all of your bases for solubility, so you can be pretty sure that whatever was down there will dissolve.

BTW, I got the idea for that last from the cooking technique of 'deglazing' wher e you dissolve the cooked meaty bits at the bottom of the pan in wine to make a yummy sauce. I do not recommend consuming the results of the previous paragraph' s cleaning technique however.

Have problems peeling oranges? Try rolling it around on the counter with some pr essure, it seems to help. Also cut a semi-circle around the top and pull the rin d out with the peel.

When making scrambled eggs, keep the heat low until the eggs begin to curdle. Th en jack up the heat to full and finish them off to just before done. This will k eep as much moisture as possible inside the egg without overcooking it.

Buy yourself a cast-iron pan, season it well and clean it only with salt. After a while it will become your best friend.

Let cooked meat "rest" after you take it off of heat for about 5-10 minutes befo re you cut into it. This allows the hot juices to redistribute. Thus, when you f inally cut into it, the juices don't run all out of the meat leaving you with sh oe leather.

The supermarket deli is a great place to get cheap meals.

Always carry some paper cups and plastic utensils in case you are out of clean s ilverware.

To avoid hangovers, taper off the alcohol and start drinking lots of water about 2 hours before heading home.

When cooking ground beef, use a potato masher to break it up! Much faster than a fork or spatula.

Hunkering for fried chicken, but forced to eat chicken breast? Put a little oliv e oil in a hot pan, add a dash of garlic powder, a lil pepper, and two good dash es of Paprika. When the oil turns red from the paprika, throw in a thawed chicke n breast. Cook until done, and let it sear a little till the chicken is orangish from the paprika. Tastes like fried chicken....

Want juicy moist chicken fast? Without thawing frozen chicken breasts? Put a das

h of oil in your pan along with 1/2 to 1 cup of water, and throw in the frozen c hicken breast. Put a lid on the pan, and cook on about Medium-Medium High. When you steam shooting out from under the lid, check the chicken, it should be thawe d, and started to cook. Leave the lid on, till the steam stops. The chicken is n ow almost entirely cooked, the oil keeps it from sticking. A few minutes, and it 's done, and moist! Never had rubbery chicken from this method. Also, the cookin g time is only marginally longer than the time needed to defrost the chicken in the microwave.

Get your knives sharpened regularly. Not only will you decrease the chance of cu tting yourself (easier to cut stuff, so less chance of the knife slipping), but if you do cut yourself, you want the knife to be as sharp as possible so that th e wound whill heal very quickly.

Have a mandoline? Throw the guard away. The only time I've fucked up a finger is when using the guard on it, because my finger got caught underneath it (12 stic thes on that one, YAY!) free hand whatever you're cutting, and then use a towel once it gets low.

Do not clean knives with steel wool. This was one of the most painful experience s of my life. Saturday night, tired as hell, washing my knives at 2 in the morni ng after work, as my finger slips into the steel wool alongside my knife. Try to pull your finger out, and the steel wool will tighten, cutting you even more, a nd dragging the knife even deeper into your finger (all the way to the bone, wee eeeeeee!) I ended up having to cut my way out.

Let meat rest before cutting it.

Never, ever test to see if caramel is hot. Not only does it burn, it sticks to y our skin.

Oh oh! And for fans of olive oil, buy one of those spray pumps designed for flav oriing oil. You fill it halfway with the oil of your choice, then pump the lid u ntil it gives you resistance. Voila! Instant 100% olive oil spray. Get the stain less steel one, it's awesome.

When ordering from Papa John's pizza, turn on the broiler and when your pizza ge ts there, stick it in the oven because it's never cooked the way it should be.

Buy the good mashed potato mix, the cheap stuff is horrible.

A lot of the store brands you see are actually surplus name brands. Try them out and see how they are.

A single bay leaf can add an incredible amount of flavor to sauces and other wet dishes like chili without being overbearing.

If you use vegetable peelers, sharpen or replace them regularly. They seem insig nificant, but it helps a hell of a lot to have a good one.

Also, in dealing with foods, if you think you won't like something, try it. Keep trying it, chances are you'll end up learning to like it.

If however after many tries you hate it, you'll still hate it. This is good as b eing a gourmet is always well appreciated. This also sort of works with alcohol too (for me at least) in that after drinking vodka straight for a while, I've ma naged to be able to tell subtle differences in it that ends up making drinking m uch more enjoyable.

Note however that both the food and alcohol versions of this don't work so well when you buy cheap quality crap. (Read: No fast food/$3 gallon bottles of vodka)

Store peeled carrots in a bowl of water in your fridge. This way they stay fresh even without their.. skin(?) You can just grab a few whenever you feel like eat ing something but don't know what exactly. It's also good for you and takes care of your teeth. Remember to change the water daily so nasty stuff doesn't start growing in there.

When eating spicy food, try to eat some sour cream with it. It contains an enzym e that helps control the burn on the way in AND on the way out.

For you cheap-asses: Don't ever ask a bartender to "hook you up." rtender, and I fucking hate this. It will make me charge you more add mystery charges to your tab. You want heavy drink, just tip a 50%) the first couple of times, I'll know your face when you come for a "good one."

I work as a ba for calls and lot (at least back. Then ask

If you're microwaving something that tends to dry out, put a damn paper towel ov er it first. This works especially well with rice.

If you do find yourself in a bad area, just remember: respect the streets, don't fear them. You'd be surprised the level of tension that can be dissolved with a nod and a "what's up guys."

Don't talk about yourself so much. An additional note: if you're talking to some one else, and they don't ask any questions about you or talk about anything but themselves, they don't give a shit about you. Don't waste your time on them.

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quote:

What is the difference between Red Label Smirnoff Triple Distilled and Blue Labe l Smirnoff Triple Distilled?

Also, what's your recommended brand for mixing, straight, and shooting?

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1: Red Label Smirnoff Triple Distilled is 80 Proof, while Blue Label Smirnoff Tr iple Distilled is 100 Proof. Generally imo the blue label has a stronger taste t o it.

Straight I prefer Grey Goose or Belvadere (sp), for mixing I use Smirnoff or Abs olute, shooters i use the Grey Goose or Belvadere again.

2: Stolichnya for mixing. It's a pretty good but also cheap vodka and they have loads of different blends. Also I don't like Absolut.

As for straight, I prefer either Vincent Van Gogh vodka or else as others have s aid, you can never go wrong with Grey Goose. However I usually get Vincent Van G ogh since I'm trying to complete my collection of all the different bottles.

As for shooters... well I don't really do it that often, and usually it's just t o get drunk so it's pretty much any vodka that's on hand, since when you properl y do a shot, you don't really get any taste from it anyways.

And as an added bonus, my favorite vodka drink at the moment is approximately 5 parts apple cider to 1 part Apple vodka. (either Stolichnya or Vincent, I've use d Vincent) a lot of the spiciness of cider is gone as is the taste of alcohol in the vodka and you're left with a very unique apple drink. (The ratio may be a b it off, use the same ratio you use for making a Rum and Coke)

If you can find a bottle of Tall Blonde, try some. It's the smoothest vodka I've ever had. We're talking '3 shots in 3 minutes' smooth.

Mix Vodka with pineapple juice and you won't be able to taste it.

When making a sandwich, it's a good idea to toast the bread first. It will keep it from getting soggy and falling apart, will make it easier to spread condiment s, and have a tastier, better texture too!

Have them push any number higher than one, and ask them to rotate it if you don' t want ridiculous hot and cold spots), or their ilk, ask them to leave the veggi es off if you're walking out with it. They can put them in a soup cup or a littl e bag or something. If you want condiments or dressing, have them put that in wi th the vegetables to keep the bread from getting nasty. Then, when you get where you're going, warm your sandwich with whatever means available (I've used my de froster ), add vegetables and condiments, and voila! The perfect sammich.

These sound overly complicated, but they won't take you more than an extra coupl e minutes - and oh so worth it.

I worked at Subway for a long time.

If you want to eat a healthy snack and you are a salty-taste lover, like myself, do your body good and put a little salt on celery and eat that, crunchy and sal ty, without grease and suck.

The best time for microwaving popcorn is 2 minutes and 17 seconds. No burned ker nels for me, thank you very much!

When going into a fast food resteraunt, if you're going to be making a special o rder, it's best to go inside. Chances are you're going to be rushed through the drive-thru; if we messed up on your sandwich, chances are you're going to either have to come inside anyway, or at least get back in line. This is especialy hel pful if you are with a large group where everyone wants a special-made sandwich; you can go to a table, check out your burgers, and talk to a manager about gett ing everything fixed without having to wait in any further lines; it's all a who le lot quicker.

Also, and this goes for every sort of store you've ever gone to, know where you are, and what they sell. If at a resteraunt, look at the menu for a little bit, to make sure you're not ordering something they don't have. Yes, even at fast fo od; we don't mind if you take a few seconds and do this; in the end, it cuts eve n more time off your order-time, as we don't have to go over the fact that, no, you don't get a Whopper at McDonald's. Or a Jumbo Jack. Or a Whataburger. You'll also be able to take note of any specials we're running, as they'll be listed o n the menu.

In retail and grocery stores, pick one you like and familiarize yourself with wh at brands they sell. Hell, make it a point to learn the brands other places sell as well, so you can go there when you want that particular brand. NOTHING annoy s a food service/retail employee more than people not knowing where the fuck you are; it just reinforces the idea that humanity is populated by idiots.

A drink (beer etc) has the same effect as 85mg vitamin C in viral challenge stud ies using cold viruses.

Warm sandwiches are god. however, if you toast the bread, don't just freaking se t it back down on the counter. If you have a roaster type toaster, open the door , but leave the bread in it and pull it out a bit. If you just set it down on a plate or counter, heat will form condensation under the bread, and the sogginess will be disgusting.

Also, put some salsa in your spaghetti sauce. It's an old catering trick. My fav orite is Mrs. Renfros habenero.

Don't eat for taste

A hard thing to pull off, but think of Richard Roma's little bit from Glengarry Glen Ross when he tells the guy he's trying to sell about how food is the only t hing we enjoy but look back on in regret. It's true, food's taste is meaningless , an idle pleasure. Food is fuel. They don't put butter and cream in gasoline to make your car enjoy it. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to condi tion myself off of (and I'm still not there), but if you eat only whole, raw(unf lavored) foods (like a piece of meat, peppered if necessary, vegetables, breads that have nothing but the necessary ingredients in them, and little to no sauces ) you'll be satisfied beyond your imagination, and you really won't even notice the fact that on a regular day, after a regular meal, you'd consider what you ju st ate to be horse food. Flavor is only important when we introduce it to our sy stem. Otherwise, we can exist without it.

You only need one GOOD, SHARP chef's knife

As a cook, I've never understood why anyone would need more than 1 knife. Ask an y chef and they will tell you. If you do any sort of food preparation, don't bot her with those $400+ knife sets with 30 different stupid specialty knives. You'l l never use them, and chances are you don't even know what they are for. Spend $ 80-$150 on a good chef's knife from a cooking store like Williams Sonoma, and fo r gods sake, take care of it. Don't put it through the dishwasher, don't open ca ns with it, and keep it sharpened. While you're at it, learn how to hold a knife so you dont chop off your fucking fingers.

Red label smirnoff is eighty proof, or forty percent alcohol.

Blue label smirnoff is one hundred proof, or fifty percent alcohol, and looks fa sntastic while on fire.

My reccomended brand for mixing is absolut, or absolut mandrin, because it is bo th cheap, and relatively tasty.*

Straight. I am assuming you mean just a straight glass of cold vodka, or a vodka martini (Vodka + a few drops vermouth) For that I am going to have to say Grey Goose.

For taking shots I reccomend Ketel One (For quick shots, as it is higher quality , but not the top of the line), or Chopin, as it is an actual potato vodka (and

is the only potato vodka I have mentioned so far in this post). Chopin is fantas tic, and every bit as good as grey goose.

*I mentioned absolut and absolut mandrin fo rmixing high school drinks (lol oran ge popa dn vodka lol), if mixing real drinks, then stick with straight absolut, and not the flavoured (for caesar's and such), but if going for a martini. Grey goose.

I stand by chopin being superior to belvedere.

ONIONS

Best way above all to keep from crying is to drop the onions in a sink w/ just e nough water to cover them and let sit for 5 mins. Any more and they get funky. Y ou'll know they are ready to come out when the very middle of the onion starts t o stick out.

(Worked at a Papa Johns for 5 years)

Onions cause tears because they contain a sulphur compound that is emitted when you cut them. The compound combines with moisture in your eyes to produce sulphu ric acid, which stings, and causes your eyes to tear up. The best way to minimiz e this is to start with chilled onions: put them in the freezer for no longer th an fifteen minutes because the water inside them will freeze. The second importa

nt point is to use a sharp knife. Sharp knife = fewer cell walls being breached = less tear gas. Most of the other "no tears" methods are old wive's tales. If y ou can't be bothered to spend a few bucks on decent tools you deserve a little h assle. Using a sharp knife to cook is always a good idea anyway. Sharpen your kn ife briefly every time you use it. And buy a few decent knives you cheap fuck.

Having a fan blowing across the cutting board to keep the tear gas away may work , but it's inconvenient if you've got anything nearby that can blow away. Keepin g a piece of breadcrust in your mouth causes cancer of the scrotum, so only do t hat if you're a woman, a eunuch, or Canadian.

Of course, the easiest way is to do it fucking fast as hell and then get it away from you.

Sucking on a cinnamon stick while cutting Onions takes away the tears.

Good luck with all that.

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