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© Copyright 2020 The Depression Project

Reproduction of this book or any portion thereof is not allowed without the
express permission of The Depression Project.

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 DISCLAIMER

While this book from The Depression Project is intended to help you support a
loved one with depression, it has been written for informational purposes only,
and is not intended as a substitute for your loved one’s therapy and/or medical
care. The Depression Project always recommends that you and your loved one
seek professional help for all individual questions, issues and concerns.
Additionally, we are not a crisis support service; for a list of crisis support services
that you may be able to call in your area, please visit
[Link] For the
aforementioned reasons, in any event or claim, you agree to hold The Depression
Project harmless. We’re really sorry if this disclaimer sounds “cold” and “legal” in
contrast to the warm and heartfelt sentiments that we usually share, but like all
companies and organisations, we need to follow legal advice, and the legal advice
we’ve received is to include this disclaimer in this book. Thank-you so much for
understanding, and we really hope you find this book helpful.

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 INTRODUCTION

Like we often say at The Depression Project, this illness can make people feel as if they’re living in
a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.

It can make them feel scared, miserable, empty, numb, ashamed, embarrassed and unable to
recognise the fun, happy person they used to be.

It can make it impossible for them to be able to construct or even envision a future.

It can make them feel so confused and mixed up that they can’t see a single answer for any of the
problems in their life, and it can make them feel debilitatingly helpless as a result.

It can be so overwhelming that it can feel as if they’re fighting to keep their head above water
when it’s up to their nose, and the water keeps getting deeper, and they don’t know how to swim,
and there’s no-one around to save them, and no matter how much they kick and struggle and
scream, they just keep sinking. And after a while, it can make them question, what’s the point?
What’s the point in continuing to fight a battle I don’t think I can win? And, it can make them
wonder if everything wouldn’t be better if they just disappeared.

However, despite how debilitating, gut-wrenching and soul-destroying depression is, many
sufferers don’t receive anywhere near the amount of support they need. Unfortunately, because
depression is an invisible illness that can be difficult to understand unless you’ve experienced it
first-hand, it’s common for non-sufferers to confuse depression with “just a bad day” or to dismiss
it as a non-problem that’s simple to fix – which can result in them telling their loved one with
depression things like “just think positive”, “just snap out of it”, “everyone feels sad sometimes”,
“you have no reason to be depressed because you’ve got a good life”, or “all you need to do is XYZ
and then you’ll feel better”. And, while comments like these can be and often are well-intentioned,
they tend to leave the person with depression feeling as if their illness hasn’t been understood or
validated. As a result, then far from feeling supported, that person is instead likely to feel lonely,
abandoned, and even more miserable than they already were.

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Not only that, but even if someone does understand how devastating of an illness depression can
be, they often still won’t know how to support their loved one through it. This is because
depression can be so many different things at different times, and for this reason, it can be really
difficult for a supporter to know how to help their loved one in any given moment. For example:

• One day: Their loved one might feel so exhausted, so miserable and so completely
overwhelmed that they just want to lie in bed all day;

• Then the next day: They might feel pretty good;

• Then the day after that: They might feel a lot worse, but they may try to carry on by faking
a smile and pretending that everything is “fine”;

• Then the next two days: They might feel so tired and burned out from pretending to be OK
that they just want to sleep and not talk to anyone;

• Then the day after that: They might be feeling so anxious and stressed that they can’t fall
asleep;

• Then the day after that: They might want to talk to a friend and be supported;

• Then the day after that: They might actually feel fine, and not want to talk about or be
reminded of their depression at all;

• Then the next two days after that: They might just be pretending that everything is fine,
when deep down, they’re feeling miserable again.

When depression can be so many different things like so, it’s very difficult for a supporter to know
how their loved one with depression feels at any particular point in time – and consequently, at
any particular point in time, it’s very hard for that supporter to know how to help them. For this
reason, even with a supporter’s best intentions, their loved one with depression will often still end
up feeling isolated, alone and bereft of support.

Fortunately, however, your loved one with depression will not feel lonely, misunderstood or
unsupported, because by the end of this book, you will not only properly understand depression
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and all the different ways it can affect a person, but you’ll also know how best to support your
loved one – both in general terms, and at any given moment in time as well.

To show you how we’re going to help you become the best supporter that your loved one could
ask for, below is a step-by-step breakdown of exactly what this book is going to cover.

CHAPTER 1: The Six Most Important Things That People With

Depression Wish You Would Know
Based on what members of The Depression Project’s 3,000,000+ person social media community
have told us, in the first chapter, we’ll break-down the six most important things that people with
depression wish you would know about how depression makes them feel and the ways it affects
them – so that you have a clear, accurate, misconception-free understanding of depression.

CHAPTER 2: The Overarching Principles Of Supporting A Loved

One With Depression
No matter how your loved one with depression feels at any given moment, there are certain “do’s”
that will almost always be appreciated, since they’ll make your loved one feel listened to, validated
and cared for. Similarly, there are also certain “don’ts” that are likely to leave your loved one
feeling frustrated, alienated, and even more miserable. So, in this chapter, we’re going to detail
exactly what these overarching “do’s” and “don’ts” are.

CHAPTER 3: How To Support Your Loved One With Depression

When They’re In The “Storm Zone” (I.e. When Their
Symptoms Are “Severe”)
Unfortunately, when someone you care about is struggling with depression, then there may well
be days when they feel so exhausted and run down that even simple tasks like getting out of bed
can feel like climbing a mountain; going to work, socialising and other commonplace activities

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often seem unmanageable; and they feel so miserable, broken and hopeless that they can’t see
the light at the end of the tunnel. When they’re in this state, your loved one can be said to be in
the “Storm Zone” of The Depression Project’s Storm To Sun Framework – and in this chapter, we’ll
show you how best to help and support them when they’re in this state.

CHAPTER 4: How To Support Your Loved One With Depression

When They’re In The “Rain Zone” (I.e. When The Severity Of
Their Symptoms Is “Moderate”)
As a result of only having moderately severe symptoms of depression as compared to very severe
symptoms, your loved one will find it easier to function and fulfil their day-to-day responsibilities
than they did when they were in the Storm Zone. However, doing so will often still feel like a
burden for them; they’ll be prone to getting easily overwhelmed; and they’ll be prone to getting
burned out and slipping back into the Storm Zone. When they’re in this state, your loved one can
be said to be in the “Rain Zone”, and in this chapter, we’ll show you how to best help and support
them when they’re feeling this way.

CHAPTER 5: How To Support Your Loved One With Depression

When They’re In The “Cloud Zone” (I.e. When The Severity Of
Their Symptoms Is “Mild”)
You may not know this, but people with depression can have good days too – where their
symptoms are only mild, and consequently, where their ability to function is relatively high. When
this is how they’re feeling, your loved one can be said to be in the “Cloud Zone” – and in Chapter
5, we’ll show you how best to support them when they’re in this Zone.

Are You Ready?

You’ve done a really noble thing by buying this book, and even more importantly, by sitting down
to read it so that you can learn about depression and how best to support your loved one through

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it. Not everybody does this, which like we said above, can lead to people with depression feeling
misunderstood, lonely, and even more miserable than they already were. So, before we begin,
we’d just like to say thank-you, and let you know that your loved one with depression is really,
really lucky to have you!

And, with that being said, as soon as you’re ready, let’s get started!

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 CHAPTER 1: The Six Most Important Things That
People With Depression Wish You Would Know

So, like we’ve already said, the biggest reason why people with depression often don’t get the
support they need is because – in our observation – depression can be a difficult illness to
understand if you haven’t experienced it yourself. Like we’ve also said, this leads many non-
sufferers to dismiss depression as not being a “real illness”, or to falsely equate it to being “just a
bad day” or “just being sad” – and to therefore say things that make their loved one with
depression feel even worse than they already do. For example:

• “You’ve got to toughen up.”

• “Just get over it.”

• “I know how you feel” (when that person has never had depression before).

• “We all have bad days now and then.”

• “You can't be depressed – there are so many people in the world who are worse off than
you!”

• “You’re just being negative.”

• “It’s all in your head.”

• “Look how lucky you are.”

• “Just do XYZ – then you’ll be fine!”

• “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

So, in order to help you understand depression and therefore significantly reduce the likelihood
of this ever happening, in this chapter, we’re going to share with you “The Six Most Important

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Things That People With Depression Wish You Would Know” – as told to The Depression Project
by members of our 3,000,000+ person social media community.

“The 1st Of The Six Most Important Things That People With
Depression Wish You Would Know”: Depression Is A Real
Illness
Like we’ve said, rather than acknowledging depression as being the serious, life-altering illness
that it is, many people instead misunderstand it as “just being sad” or “just having a bad day”.
However, depression is much, much more than “just being sad” or “just having a bad day”.

Firstly, depression is not something that afflicts someone for just one day – but rather, for months,
years or even decades on end. For this reason, when someone tells you that they’re struggling
with depression, it means that they’ve struggled with their symptoms for much, much longer than
just one day.

Secondly, the symptoms of depression encompass a whole lot more than just “sadness”. These
symptoms can vary from person to person, but typically, while prolonged, intense feelings of
sadness and misery are indeed part of depression, most sufferers also experience some or all of
the following symptoms as well:

• Feeling Worthless1 – sometimes so much so that they don’t see how any of their friends
or family members could love them.

• Decreased Motivation – including loss of interest in the things that they used to enjoy2.

• Feeling Numb – in the sense that they feel completely disconnected from the world around
them, and completely disconnected from all the things that used to bring them joy – to
such an extent that rather than “living”, they may feel as if they are merely “existing”. This
“numbness” can be caused by a variety of reasons, but most commonly, because that
person has become desensitised to their own suffering, as a defence mechanism to protect

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 themselves from negative emotions 3 , and/or as a side-effect of an anti-depressant
medication they’re taking4.

• Feeling Completely and Utterly Exhausted – which is an extremely common symptom of

depression 5 because, for example, they feel tired from having to fulfil all of their daily
responsibilities while battling an excruciating illness; tired from having to always fake a
smile and pretend that everything is “fine” because it’s more socially acceptable than
saying “I’m not OK”; tired because difficulty sleeping and insomnia are common symptoms
of depression 6 ; and/or because feeling tired is a side-effect of an anti-depressant
medication they’re taking.

• Social Withdrawal7 – for example, because they have no motivation or energy to leave
their home; because they feel too miserable to smile and pretend they’re enjoying
themselves; because they need time alone to process complex emotions; because they
need time to recharge their batteries; because they don’t want any of their loved ones to
see them at their worst; because they want to “protect” and to “shield” their loved ones
from their pain; because they’re worried that people will judge and think less of them for
having depression; because they’re worried that no-one will understand their depression
or take it seriously; and/or because they feel too ashamed of themselves to leave their
home.

• Difficulty Concentrating8 – for example, because their pain and suffering is consuming so
much of their mental capacity that it reduces their ability to focus on anything else; and/or
because their concentration is being interrupted by the intrusive negative thoughts that
their depression is constantly bombarded them with.

• Memory Difficulties and Decreased Ability to Make Decisions 9 – because once again,
intrusive negative thoughts and/or being consumed with so much mental pain decreases
their ability to focus and process things.

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 • Feeling Irritable and/or Angry10 – because, for example, people struggling with depression
are dealing with so many difficult emotions, and as a result, they’re much more likely than
they otherwise would be to get frustrated and snap over something relatively small.

• Unwanted Physical Symptoms11 – including exhaustion, difficulty sleeping and/or insomnia

like we’ve mentioned; but also constipation, aches and pains, headaches, large changes in
weight, and/or difficulty having sex (including impotency). Additionally, rather than having
difficulty sleeping, some people with depression find that they sleep much more than they
otherwise would.

• Feeling Hopeless – sometimes to such an extent that people with depression can’t envision
life ever getting better, which can lead them to feel suicidal12 (and in the worst cases, to
act on these feelings).

This list of symptoms is not exhaustive, and as painful as they make depression sound, we still
don’t feel as if they do justice to just how crippling, devastating and soul-destroying depression
actually is. So, to try to help you better understand what it feels like to suffer from this illness, The
Depression Project’s co-founder Danny Baker posted a question on Facebook some time ago
asking people who have depression to describe it for you. Of the nearly 1000 contributions, the
50 responses below were the most highly voted by our community:

• “Depression is seeing no future, and no answer for any of the problems in your life.”

• “When you have depression, nothing is enjoyable. Nothing can make you smile.”

• “It feels like you're a ghost ... not a part of the real world.”

• “It's like drowning ... except you can see everyone around you breathing.”

• “Depression is a dark, inescapable place. It's like being locked in a room with no light,
windows or door. It's so dark you can't even see your hands in front of your face let alone
find a way out.”

• “Depression is the inability to construct or envision a future.”

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• “Slipping into depression feels like falling down a dark bottomless shaft, wondering if and
when your fall will ever be caught. And as you look back to where you fell from – which is
where you know you need to get back to – you can see it receding further into the distance,
the proverbial light becoming dimmer and dimmer, while the shaft into which you are
falling becomes deeper, darker, and all the more enveloping.”

• “Depression to me is like having your mind replaced by another one that makes me feel
worthless and numb to life – even to my own husband and son. It deprives me of feeling
anything other than a sense of perpetual sadness, never quite knowing the source of it but
knowing that feeling well. Depression has stolen my confidence and now I no longer feel I
am worthy of anyone's love. Depression calls me names and makes me have awful
thoughts, and there have been times when depression has won and I've taken an overdose.

• It's like being stuck in a box that you can't get out of – a very dark place where you feel so
low that even simple tasks are difficult. You feel completely alone.”

• “A total loss of who you are.”

• “Standing underneath a floor of glass, screaming and banging on it trying to get the
attention of the rest of the world going about their lives without you. The problem is no-
one can hear you or even knows you're trapped there.”

• “Depression is like the heart or the mind breaking.”

• “Depression is a state in which nothing tastes, smells, or feels right and you are unable to
think or make decisions – yet you still have to carry on doing all of those things. And so
much of the time you just don't have the energy or the desire. But you still carry on anyway.”

• “The belief that you just don't matter.”

• “Like the death eaters in Harry Potter have caught you and sucked all the goodness from
you.”

• “Swimming through treacle.”

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• “Multiple emotions: fear, despair, emptiness, numbness, shame, embarrassment and an
inability to recognise the fun, happy person you used to be.”

• “Depression is losing the desire to partake in life.”

• “It's like trying to breathe when you're covered in tar.”

• “Depression makes you feel like you're an actor playing you – one that's always forced to
smile.”

• “Being depressed sometimes feels like tunnel vision – regardless of anything going on in
your life, you can feel miserable and overwhelmed for no reason at all.”

• “Nothingness.”

• “Cancer of the soul.”

• “Torture.”

• “It's just like being inside a wheel that's spinning and spinning and you don't know when it's
going to stop.”

• “Living in fog all the time – a world without colour or laughter.”

• “Like living in a dark tunnel with no light at the end, and no air to breathe, no matter how
deep a breath you take.”

• “Feeling completely alone – even if you're surrounded by people.”

• “Complete and utter hopelessness.”

• “Living in hell.”

• “Like mourning the death of someone you once loved – you. When you look in the mirror
you see only dead eyes. There is no spark. No joy. No hope. You wonder how you will
manage to exist another day.”

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• “Trying to keep your head above water when it's up to your nose. And getting deeper. And
you can't swim.”

• “Feeling numb inside. The world and time just pass by and nothing brings you joy.”

• “Feeling dark, lonely and scared. Sleep is the only escape from your pain.”

• “It’s like being a prisoner and the jailer both.”

• “Waking up to another disappointing day, and feeling that heaviness in your chest that
never goes away.”

• “Just wanting to stand in a field and scream your head off – but you don't know why.”

• “Like your mind is paralysed.”

• “Depression is silence. It's total isolation in a room full of people. It's feeling the drag and
pull of life making you smaller by the day.”

• “It's like falling into a well or a deep dark hole and having no ladder to climb to help you get
out of it. You get trapped in the darkness feeling cold and numb.”

• “It makes me feel like I'm a tiny seed stuck at the bottom of a pot plant – the more I try to
grow and break free, the more dirt and soil falls on me, suffocating me and pushing me
down.”

• “Depression is that nasty voice in my head that says things like "your mother never wanted
you and that's why she kicked you out at 15 to sleep on the streets for three months". It
shows me the mental picture of the benches I made my bed and the nooks and crannies I
tried to hide in for fear of being raped. The voice also reminds me of my daughter dying and
thrusting her photo in my face telling me I'm a rubbish mother. Depression for me is a force
so powerful that I fear I may never be free of it.”

• “Being depressed is all your emotions taken away from you – apart from negative ones like
sadness, anxiety and fear.”

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 • “It's a ten-tonne ball of lead in your gut that you've no choice but to drag everywhere with
you. And you've got to try and look normal doing so.”

• “Every day is a struggle and I feel like it’s groundhog day – same shit, different toilet.”

• “It's a thief ... it takes everything from you and leaves you to die.”

• “It's peaceful water to the outside world, but a raging tsunami below the surface.”

• “It's more painful than any physical pain I've ever experienced. And NO-ONE can see it.”

• “Depression is hating yourself so much you can't look in the mirror.”

• “Depression is waking up wishing you'd died in your sleep.”

Many people with depression say that it’s impossible to understand exactly what it feels like unless
you’ve been there yourself. This may be true, but we hope the above 50 descriptions help provide
an insight into how all-consuming and deeply painful depression can be, even if you don’t have
personal experience of it. At the very least, these descriptions should illustrate that depression is
far more complex and severe than simply “feeling sad” or “just having a bad day.” On the contrary,
it is a gut-wrenching illness that can affect every aspect of a person’s life – which is why it’s so
important that your loved one who struggles with it receives support, care and understanding
from you.

“The 2nd Of The Six Most Important Things That People With
Depression Wish You Would Know”: Absolutely Anyone Can
Fall Victim To Depression – Even People Who Seem To “Have
A Good Life”
In our observation, it’s relatively common for people who’ve never experienced depression before
to think that you can only struggle with it if there is an obvious “reason” for depression that they
can identify – such as, for example, going through a divorce or a recent traumatic experience (e.g.

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the death of a loved one). And, it’s this assumption that may lead you to think or even ask your
loved one with depression something like:

“But what do you have to be depressed about? You’ve got a good life!”

However, as much as this question is often an innocent attempt to understand your loved one’s
struggle better, as we often hear from members of The Depression Project’s community, it’s likely
to make them feel very misunderstood, frustrated and upset. The reason why is because while
difficult, painful “situational factors” such as divorce and traumatic events for example can indeed
lead to depression, they are, based on the cognitive behavioural therapy model13, only one of five
aspects of depression.

To properly understand this point, let’s now have a look at these five aspects of depression in
detail.

1. A Person’s Thoughts

“Cognitive distortions” are distorted thinking patterns that are grounded in some form of bias, and
which commonly result in a person viewing themselves, a situation they’re in and/or the world
much more critically, judgementally and/or negatively than they otherwise would (which
consequently, can contribute to them having depression). On that note, some common types of
cognitive distortions that people with depression often engage in include 14:

o Filter Thinking – which is where someone filters out all of the “good” or the “positive” in a
situation, and only focuses on the “bad” or the “negative”. In practice, this could take the
form of, for example:

o Filtering out all of the praise your boss gives you for a project you worked on, and
instead thinking “I’m bad at my job” because there was one small area where you
made a mistake that they’d like you to fix.

o Filtering out all of the times you were kind, patient and loving with your child, and
instead focusing on the one time you snapped at them and thinking that you're a
"terrible parent" as a result.
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 o Filtering out all of the posts on social media you saw of people doing regular,
everyday things and instead focusing all of your attention on the one post where
someone is on holidays somewhere beautiful – and then consequently thinking
that your life is boring because you aren’t on that holiday yourself.

o Filtering out all of the positives you bring to a relationship, focusing exclusively on
the times when you needed your partner's support instead, and consequently
concluding that you're a burden and that your partner would be better off without
you.

o Overgeneralisation: This is where a person makes broad, big-picture conclusions about

something based on very little information or evidence. Some common examples include:

o Thinking / concluding “I can't do anything right” after making one mistake.

o Thinking / concluding “all men / women are bad” in response to a couple of

negative romantic relationships.

o Thinking / concluding “therapy doesn’t work” after trying only a few sessions and/or
working with only a couple of therapists.

o Personalisation: This is where someone takes personal responsibility for things that aren’t
in their control, and/or that have nothing to do with them. Personalisation often results in
a person blaming themselves for things that aren’t their fault, and can take the form of, for
example:

o Blaming yourself and thinking that it’s your fault that your partner is upset – even
when what’s troubling them is actually completely unrelated to you (such as in the
case of them having a problem with their boss at work, for instance).

o Thinking “the reason I was bullied is because I'm a loser / because there’s something
wrong with me” – when in reality, there may’ve been many, many other reasons
why you were bullied that have absolutely nothing to do with you – such as because
the bully was struggling with their own pain / demons / inner turmoil, which led

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 them to act in the way that they did; because they were selfish; because they had
one or more toxic personality traits; because they lacked empathy; because they
had poor impulse control; because they didn’t know how to regulate their
emotions; because they had low self-esteem and consequently bullied you in order
to feel powerful and therefore better about themselves; because they had a
distorted perception of what is “right” and what is “wrong”; because they were
jealous of you; because they were unsatisfied with their own achievements in life
and so they tried to sabotage yours so that you wouldn’t “surpass them”; because
they craved social approval / they wanted to try to improve their social standing;
and/or because they were sadistic.

o Catastrophisation: This is where a person concludes that something is much more drastic,
dire and/or hopeless than it actually is. For example:

o Thinking “I can’t do ANYTHING right” in response to your boss giving you

constructive criticism for a presentation you gave (which may be upsetting, but just
means that you have room for improvement in this particular area – not that you
can’t do ANYTHING right).

o Catastrophising the reality “I haven’t overcome depression yet” into the definitive,
all-conclusive prophecy “I will NEVER overcome depression!”

o All-Or-Nothing Thinking: This is where a person views something as either one extreme or
the other, instead of having a more balanced, accurate perspective. For example:

o Thinking “I’m not as well prepared for this exam as I’d like to be, so instead of acing
it, I’m going to fail”.

o Thinking “I know I don’t look my best because I only had two minutes to get ready,
so I must look terrible”.

o Thinking “I made one silly comment in my job interview today, so the whole thing
was a complete disaster”.

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o Emotional Reasoning: This is where a person reasons that because they feel something,
that it must be true. However, just because somebody feels something, it doesn’t mean
that it’s true at all (particularly when they’re struggling with depression, which is prone to
significantly distorting the way they think and feel).

o Mind-Reading: This is where a person jumps to conclusions about what someone else is
thinking. For example:

o Mind-reading when it comes to what someone else thinks of your physical

appearance – such as thinking “they probably hate my new haircut”.

o Mind-reading when it comes to what someone else thinks of your character – such
as thinking “I shouldn’t have said that – they’ll think I’m an idiot now”, “they saw
me cry so they must think I’m weak”, or “everyone thinks I’m a burden because I’m
not as happy as I used to be”.

o Mind-reading when it comes to the status of your relationships – such as thinking

“we’re no longer friends because I arrived late to dinner”, “our relationship is in
trouble because they’re in a bad mood”, or “I have to make everything perfect for
their birthday or else they’ll leave me".

o Fortune Telling: This is another example of jumping to conclusions, where a person makes
a prediction about the future and then assumes it to be true. And, when somebody has
depression, this most commonly involves making a negative prediction about the future,
such as:

o Thinking “this therapist / book / strategy, etcetera won't be able to help me”,
without actually giving that therapist / book / strategy, etcetera a try.

o Thinking “I just know that dating apps won't work for me” without ever using one.

o Disqualifying The Positives: This is where, if something positive happens, it is rejected or

discounted instead of being accepted and embraced. An example of this would be

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 receiving a compliment, but instead of believing it, disregarding it by thinking, “they didn’t
mean it – they were just trying to be nice”.

o Should Statements: These are damaging expectations or beliefs a person has about
themselves, other people and/or the world about how things should be done or about the
way things should be. For example:

o Thinking “I should have a better job by now … I’m such a loser for still being where
I am”.

o Thinking “I should have achieved more in my life by now … I’m such a failure”.

2. A Person’s Emotions

In addition to a person’s thoughts, their emotions can significantly contribute to their depression
as well. In particular, some difficult, painful emotions which commonly do this include:

o Feelings of sadness, grief or loss over something bad or tragic happening – whether to you,
somebody else, or in the world in general;

o Feelings of regret that something didn’t / hasn't happened;

o Feelings of hopelessness about something that’s out of your control;

o Feelings of worthlessness;

o Feeling misunderstood by the people around you, and therefore lonely as a result;

o Feeling unfulfilled;

o Feeling as if your life lacks purpose, direction and/or meaning;

o Trauma from a painful experience that happened in the past.

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 3. A Person’s Behaviours

For many people who struggle with depression, their “behavioural patterns”, so to speak, are also
a contributing factor. In particular, some behaviours which commonly contribute to depression
include:

o People Pleasing: This behavioural trait can make you feel stressed, overwhelmed and
burned out; can lead to you being used, mistreated and taken advantage of; and can result
in your needs and wants never being met.

o Constantly Comparing Yourself To Others: This can lead to negative thoughts,

dissatisfaction, jealousy and misery.

o Avoidance Behavioural Patterns: This is where you avoid behaviours which can lead to
positive, healthy, desirable outcomes; and instead resort to behaviours that lead to sup-
optimal / negative outcomes, and/or that don’t lead to you getting your needs met. For
example:

o Procrastinating pursuing your dreams due to a fear of failure (which can result in
you never achieving your dreams and therefore feeling unfulfilled);

o Hiding your authentic true self in your interpersonal relationships due to a fear of
rejection (which can lead to you feeling misunderstood and lonely);

o Putting off ending a sup-optimal or even a toxic relationship because you’re scared
of being single and/or of “ending up alone” (this results in you remaining in the sub-
optional / toxic relationship).

o Overworking Yourself: This can result in you feeling burned out, exhausted and miserable
– particularly if you’re working really hard at a job you don't like.

o Relationship Sabotage: This can include, for example:

o Pushing people away whenever you feel yourself becoming too vulnerable / getting
too close.

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 o Constantly searching for (and often inventing) problems in a relationship that you
feel is “too good to be true” – which can result in you destroying what was actually
a wonderful relationship.

o Comfort Eating / Binge Drinking: This can occur for many reasons, including as a way of
trying to cope with painful emotions.

4. A Person’s Physiology

Additionally, there are a variety of “physical” factors which can contribute to depression as well.
These can include, for example:

o Chemical imbalances in your brain15;

o Sleep difficulties16;

o Low thyroid levels17.

5. Situational Factors

Like we first touched upon, for many people who struggle with depression, “situational factors”
are also a contributing factor – or put another way, there’s a distressing situation, circumstance
or event that’s taking place in their life or in the world around them that they’re finding extremely
challenging to deal with. Some common examples of situational factors which can contribute to a
person’s depression include:

o Being in a toxic relationship, or being surrounded by people who ridicule, mistreat, bully,
invalidate and/or abuse you.

o Having a job you hate, or one that causes you a high degree of stress.

o Financial difficulties.

o Unsettling changes that have taken place in your life – such as moving to a new city where
you don’t know anyone and therefore feel lonely and miserable.

23
 o Serious illness or injury – either to you, or to someone you love.

o Loss – such as that of a spouse through a divorce, or even more tragically, through the
death of a loved one.

o Traumatic events – such as abuse, for example.

o Events or circumstances that are affecting the world as a whole (or at least a part of it) –
such as war, climate change or an important election.

Why ANYBODY Can Have Depression – Even People Who Have A “Good Life”

When it comes to your loved one with depression, if you are thinking “but what do they have to
be depressed about? They’ve got a good life!”, what likely is the case is that:

o There is not an obvious, easily-identifiable catalyst of depression in their life;

o Or, to put it another way, at least some (or perhaps all) of the “situational factors”
identified above are not a contributing factor to your loved one’s depression. For example,
they may not have any financial difficulties; they may live in a comfortable home; they may
be in good health; and they may be surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends.

However, as we hope you’re starting to see, depression can have many, many, many contributing
factors. And, since only a subset of these contributing factors are situational in nature, it means
that absolutely ANYBODY can have depression – even people who have a “good life” with respect
to a variety of situational factors.

For example:

o Just because your loved one with depression may have a “good life” with respect to a
variety of situational factors (such as their finances, their health, etcetera), it doesn't mean
that there aren’t one or more other situational factors that are contributing to their
depression – such as, for example, one or more toxic relationships in their life, a hidden
trauma you know nothing about, or them feeling lonely because they're no longer living in
close proximity to their loved ones (e.g. if they moved).

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 o Just because your loved one with depression may have a “good life” with respect to a
variety of situational factors, it doesn't mean that they’re exempt from thinking in
cognitively distorted ways that fuel depression – such as through filter thinking,
overgeneralising, personalising, catastrophising, all-or-nothing thinking, emotional
reasoning, mind-reading, fortune telling, disqualifying the positives, and/or should
statements.

o Just because your loved one with depression may have a “good life” with respect to a
variety of situational factors, it doesn’t mean that they’re exempt from feeling difficult,
painful emotions such as sadness over something bad happening; regret that something
else didn’t happen; hopelessness about something that’s out of their control;
worthlessness as a result of struggling with low self-esteem; and/or any of the other
difficult, painful emotions we mentioned above. Once again, all of these emotions (and so
many more) are capable of fuelling depression, too.

o Just because your loved one with depression may have a “good life” with respect to a
variety of situational factors, it doesn’t preclude them from engaging in unhealthy
behaviours that can contribute to depression – such as people pleasing, negatively
comparing themselves to others, and/or any of the other behaviours we mentioned above.

o Just because your loved one with depression may have a “good life” with respect to a
variety of situational factors, it doesn't mean that they can’t experience one or more
physical issues that can contribute to depression – such as low thyroid levels, for example.

Consequently, like we’ve been saying, this means that absolutely ANYBODY can have depression
– even people who have a “good life” with respect to a variety of situational factors.

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“The 3rd Of The Six Most Important Things That People With
Depression Wish You Would Know”: Depression Is Not
Something You Can Just “Snap Out Of” – Nor Does It Have A
Simple “Quick Fix”
If you’ve never struggled with depression yourself, then it’s understandable how you can
underestimate is severity, and therefore suggest to your loved one that they should “just snap out
of it”, “just think positive”, or that their depression would be cured if they just did something
simple like “go for a run” or “meditate”, for example. However, suggestions like these are
misguided and unhelpful, because depression does not have a quick fix. For this reason, according
to members of The Depression Project’s community, most people with depression tend to find
suggestions like these frustrating – and often insulting – because the implication is that they are
either not smart enough to think of such a simple solution themselves, or that for some reason,
they’re unwilling to implement this sure-fire cure for their depression (which is tantamount to
blaming them for struggling with depression).

To avoid this common problem, it’s really important that you understand that depression does not
have a quick fix. On the contrary, overcoming depression involves tackling this illness from a
multitude of angles, including, for example:

• When It Comes To Their Thoughts – your loved one with depression may need to learn
how to stop thinking in the cognitively distorted ways that we mentioned beforehand, and
instead learn how to think in much healthier, more positive ways that contribute to them
feeling better.

• When It Comes To Their Emotions – your loved one with depression may need to learn
how to resolve / move through / heal from the painful emotions that are contributing to
their depression. In practice, this may require your loved one, for example:

o Learning how to improve their self-esteem in order to overcome feelings of

worthlessness;

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 o Healing from the grief, sadness and/or loss that they feel from a tragic event;

o Learning how to come to terms- and feel more at peace with something painful
that is out of their control;

o Letting go of the regret they feel that something important to them did / didn’t
happen;

o Healing from all the pain that can stem from trauma.

• When It Comes To Their Behaviours – your loved one with depression may need to stop
engaging in behaviours that worsen their depression, and instead start engaging in
behaviours that lead to improvements in their depression. Sometimes these behavioural
changes can be relatively simple – such as stopping social media usage if that triggers their
depression; or doing more exercise, for example (which is a healthy behaviour that can
help them cope with depression). However, in many, many instances, in order to get
better, people with depression need to change behavioural patterns which they’ve been
following for years, decades or even their whole life. This may be the case when they need
to learn how to, for example, stop comparing themselves to others; implement boundaries
to stop people pleasing; or learn how to open up and show more of their authentic true
self in their interpersonal relationships.

• When It Comes To Their Physiology – your loved one with depression may need to alter
the balance of chemicals in their brain, which may involve them taking medication.
Additionally, they may also need treatment to address any other physical issues that are
contributing to their depression as well.

• When It Comes To Situational Factors In Their Life – your loved one with depression may
need to resolve / heal from one or more situational factors that are contributing to their
depression. In practice, this may take the form of, for example, ending one or more toxic
relationships, changing jobs and/or stabilising their finances.

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As you can see, some of the things you may think of suggesting in well-meaning moments (like
going for a run, for example) can indeed form part of an all-encompassing treatment strategy.
However, suggesting such things in isolation and claiming or implying that they can quickly “fix”
your loved one’s depression is likely to frustrate them like we said, and make them feel as if you’re
not taking them and their depression seriously.

“The 4th Of The Six Most Important Things That People With
Depression Wish You Would Know”: People With Depression
Are Not Attention Seekers
Unfortunately, many people with depression – including perhaps your loved one – have been
called something along the lines of “attention seeking”, or been told that they’re being
“overdramatic”, a “drama queen”, or some variation thereof. You may have said or thought
something like this yourself, and if that’s the case, then please try to understand that in reality, it’s
actually almost always the opposite. After all, because they’re afraid of being judged, criticised,
having their illness not taken seriously, and/or because they just don’t know how to articulate their
depression properly, rather than faking their depression, many, many, many sufferers fake being
“OK”. In particular, some extremely common ways people do this that your loved one can in all
likelihood relate to include:

• Smiling on the outside while they’re going through hell on the inside;

• Saying “I’m fine” when they feel miserable, broken, and completely and utterly
overwhelmed;

• Saying “I’m busy” to avoid interacting with others when they’re having a mental
breakdown;

• Working hard to uphold their responsibilities and trying to appear as if they have
everything in their life all together – only to collapse in a heap when they get home;

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 • Joking and making others laugh because they know what it’s like to feel empty and numb
on the inside.

Not only that, but because they’re afraid of being judged, criticised, having their illness not taken
seriously and/or because they don’t know how to articulate their depression properly, on the rare
occasions that people with depression do open up to someone like yourself, it’s extremely
common for them to feel uncomfortable, scared and nervous, and it often takes an immense
amount of courage for them to bring themselves to do it. And, on these occasions, rather than
looking for attention, what they’re actually looking for is, for example:

• A sense of safety in a world they find scary;

• A light in their darkest hour;

• A reminder that they’re not alone;

• A reason to keep on fighting through their depression;

• The love they’re currently unable to give themselves;

• A reminder that they’re not all of the horrible things their depression is telling them they
are;

• Someone who will hopefully understand what they’re going through;

• Reassurance that everything is going to be OK.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but for the overwhelming majority of people with
depression, this is their reality – which is why it’s so painful when they’re told that they’re just
looking for attention or being overdramatic.

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“The 5th Of The Six Most Important Things That People With
Depression Wish You Would Know”: People With Depression
Can Have “Good Days” As Well
A big misconception surrounding depression is that if someone struggles with this illness, then it
means that they’re miserable 100% of the time. Consequently, if someone suffering from
depression has a “good day”, then it sometimes leads their friends and family to falsely conclude
that either:

1. They were previously faking it, making it up, looking for attention or just being
overdramatic when they said that they struggled with depression; or:

2. If they did have depression, then they are now cured – which means that if at any point in
the future they claim to be feeling depressed, then they must be faking it, making it up,
looking for attention or just being overdramatic.

However, in reality, your loved one can – and almost certainly will! – have some “good days” in
spite of the fact that they are indeed struggling with depression. The reason why is due to the fact
that people with depression experience varying intensities of symptoms at different times – as
opposed to feeling miserable and suffering from the most extreme form of their symptoms 100%
of the time.

To help you understand this point better, we’d like to introduce you to the Storm To Sun
Framework, which is something that Depression Project co-founder and professional counsellor
Mathew Baker created to, among other things, help people better understand the different ways
that depression can affect their loved ones.

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As you can see above, there are three different “zones” that at any point in time, your loved one
with depression may find themselves in. These zones are:

The Storm Zone

This is when the symptoms of your loved one’s depression are severe – i.e., when it feels like
there’s a storm raging in their mind. When they’re in this Zone:

• Your loved one is usually being bombarded with negative thoughts; those negative
thoughts are usually at their most distorted, negative and catastrophic; and your loved one
is usually at their most attached to those negative thoughts (i.e. more so than at any other
time, they believe them to be true).

• Emotions like misery, shame, worthlessness, hopelessness, etcetera, are felt more
intensely than ever.

• Your loved one’s ability to function tends to be significantly compromised – to such an

extent that fulfilling their day-to-day responsibilities can feel unmanageable (and often
are); and even simple tasks like getting out of bed or having a shower may feel like climbing
a mountain.

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 • Faking a smile and pretending to be “OK” may be impossible.

• In the “Storm Zone”, it’s common for your loved one to feel so miserable, broken, and
hopeless that they may be unable to envision the storm ever passing.

The “Rain Zone”

You can think of your loved one as being in the “Rain Zone” when the symptoms of their
depression are moderately intense. In this Zone:

• The storm in their mind has calmed down or not yet started – but it could flare up on short
notice.

• Because their symptoms are only moderately severe, they can likely still uphold their
responsibilities and carry on with life – but they’ll probably get tired much quicker than
they otherwise would.

• Feeling “burned out” is common, and they may be prone to snapping easily.

• Socialising and/or interacting with others – while possible – often feels too draining.

The “Cloud Zone”

This is when the symptoms of your loved one’s depression are mild. When they’re in this Zone:

• Your loved one feels more or less “normal” – in the sense that their days are only minimally
– if at all – impacted by depression.

• They’re able to function relatively well without becoming easily tired.

• They’re much more likely to want to socialise with friends and family and interact with
other people.

• In the Cloud Zone, their motivation is at its highest, so they’re most able to do the things
that they may’ve been putting off doing while they were in the Storm or Rain Zones.

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Returning to the point we made earlier, when your loved one is having a “good day”, rather than
meaning that they were faking their depression, making it up, looking for attention or being
overdramatic for example, what it means is that they’re likely in the Cloud Zone of the Storm To
Sun Framework (or perhaps the Rain Zone if they’d previously been in the Storm Zone for an
extended period of time). This is not only a very important distinction to make for the purpose of
understanding that them having a “good day” does not mean that your loved one doesn’t have
depression, but also, because if you recognise that your loved one is in the Cloud Zone in particular,
then there are actually some ways that you can help support and assist them to overcome their
depression for good – so that instead of continuously falling back into the Storm Zone for example,
they can “reach the sun”, so to speak. We’ll discuss this in detail in Chapter 5, but for now, please
just understand that your loved one having a “good day” just means that they’re in the Cloud Zone
(or at least the Rain Zone) – not that they never had depression or that they don’t have it anymore.

“The 6th Of The Six Most Important Things That People With
Depression Wish You Would Know”: People With Depression
Are Not Weak
Hopefully after reading this far, this point no longer needs to be made – since you now understand
that depression is a debilitating, gut-wrenching illness that can be caused by a variety of different
factors, as opposed to being something that happens to a person because they’re “weak”.
Nevertheless, it’s worth reiterating one more time, and also noting that not only are people with
depression not weak, but in reality, they actually tend to be really strong. After all, they have to
carry on with life and do everything that non-depressed people do – all while battling an illness
that makes doing all of those things infinitely harder; and that more often than not, they get little
help or support for.

How Does Depression Affect Your Loved One?

In this chapter, we’ve covered the six most important things that people with depression wish
non-sufferers would know – as told to us by members of The Depression Project’s 3,000,000+

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person social media community. However, it’s important to note that everything we’ve discussed
so far has been relatively general in nature, to help you better understand depression on the whole
(something which we call “psychoeducation”). And, while psychoeducation is extremely
important, we also encourage you to talk to your loved one in order to understand how depression
affects them personally – since like we’ve said, this illness can affect different people in different
ways.

In particular, some questions that we recommend you ask your loved one to understand their
depression better are:

• How does depression make you feel?

• How does it impact your day-to-day life?

• What triggers your depression?

• Are there times when you feel worthless?

• Do you struggle with negative self-talk?

• Does depression make you feel unmotivated?

• Does depression make you feel exhausted?

• Does depression affect your appetite?

• Does it affect your concentration?

• Does it make you sometimes feel irritable?

• Does it disrupt your sleep?

• Does depression make you not want to see your friends and family?

• Do you feel so hopeless some days that you don’t think life will ever get better?

• Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?

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Asking your loved one questions such as these about how depression impacts them and their day-
to-day life, what triggers their depression, and what unique symptoms they struggle with the most
is an important component of understanding them and their illness – and as a result, of supporting
them through it.

Well Done!
Now that you’ve finished reading this chapter, you’re aware of the six most important things that
people with depression wish you would know, and you hopefully have a much better
understanding of how this illness impacts people. This is very important, because as a result of
understanding this illness better, you’re now in a much better position to support your loved one
– which they’ll no doubt be extremely grateful for! Well done!

Next, we’re going to build upon this understanding by delving into the overarching principles of
supporting a loved one with depression, before in Chapters 3, 4 and 5, deepening your knowledge
even further by detailing how best to support them depending on whether they happen to be in
the Storm Zone, the Rain Zone or the Cloud Zone of the Storm To Sun Framework.

So, as soon as you’re ready, let’s jump right into it!

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 CHAPTER 2: The Overarching Principles Of
Supporting A Loved One With Depression

Like we mentioned in Chapter 1, when someone is struggling with depression, at any point in time
they may find themselves in the Storm Zone, the Rain Zone or the Cloud Zone of the Storm To Sun
Framework – or put another way, their symptoms can vary from being severe, moderately severe
or only mildly severe. Like we also mentioned, this will dictate the most effective way for you to
support your loved one at any given moment in time. However, before we dive into these nuances
in Chapters 3, 4 and 5, let’s first talk about some of the overarching principles of supporting your
loved one with depression – or in other words, some of the general “do’s” and “don’ts” that apply
no matter whether they’re in the Storm Zone, the Rain Zone, or the Cloud Zone.

#1: Please Don’t Judge, Criticise Or Dismiss Their Feelings

Hopefully this wouldn’t happen now that you’ve read Chapter 1 and have a solid understanding of
just how challenging depression is. However, it’s still worth re-iterating, because if you judge-,
criticise- or dismiss your loved one’s feelings – even unintentionally – then it will contribute to
them feeling misunderstood, frustrated and lonely as opposed to feeling cared for, loved and
supported.

In particular, below are some common judgmental, critical or dismissive comments to avoid
making to your loved one with depression.

“Depression isn’t real”

Like we said in Chapter 1, depression is a serious illness that can affect every aspect of your loved
one’s life. For this reason, belittling it by saying that it “isn’t real” will almost always be very
offensive, hurtful and upsetting for them.

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“Just get over it”

Without a doubt, your loved one doesn’t enjoy being depressed, and if they were able to “just get
over it”, then they certainly would. However, like we’ve said, depression is a complex and difficult
illness to overcome, and not only does you telling them to “just get over it” fail to acknowledge
this, but it can also imply that you think it’s your loved one’s fault that they’re suffering from
depression. This suggestion will almost certainly make them feel very upset and hurt – in addition
to possibly increasing any feelings of guilt or worthlessness that they may be struggling with.

“I know how you feel”

If you’ve personally experienced depression before, then this can be a nice, empathetic thing to
say, because it can make your loved one feel much less alone, and can help them feel more
comfortable opening up and talking to you about their own struggle with depression. If, however,
you’ve never experienced depression before, then saying this is much more likely to frustrate and
upset them – since it implies that you’re equating depression to just being “sad” or “having a bad
day”, for example – when like we’ve said, it’s much more complex, painful, debilitating and life-
threatening than that.

“We all have bad days now and then”

Similarly, while it can be tempting to try to empathise with your loved one in this way, it usually
does more harm than good, because to repeat it one more time, depression is much more
complex, painful, debilitating and life-threatening than “just a bad day”.

“You can’t be depressed, because there are so many people in the world who are
worse off than you”

Like we said in Chapter 1, depression can – and usually is – caused by much more than just a
person’s environment, or how “good” or “well-off” they are circumstantially. For this reason,
absolutely anybody can suffer from depression – regardless of whether they have a “good life” or
not or whether there are other people who are circumstantially “worse off” than them or not.
Consequently, rather than this being a supportive, helpful thing to say, what it’s actually doing is

37
invalidating and dismissing your loved one’s battle with depression – which is almost certainly
going to make them feel misunderstood, isolated and even more miserable.

Yet another rebuttal to the “you can’t be depressed because there are so many people in the world
who are worse off than you” fallacy is that if someone who was actually circumstantially “worse
off” than you told you that they were happy, would you then say to them:

“But you can’t be happy – because there are so many people in the world who are better off than
you!”

You almost certainly wouldn’t say this, which highlights just how flawed and misguided the “you
can’t be depressed because there are so many people who are worse off than you” notion truly is.

“Look how lucky you are”

Anytime someone says this to their loved one with depression, what they’re almost always
referring to are the desirable “situational factors” of a person’s life – for example, the nice home
they live in, their loving family, the well-paid job they have, the holidays they go on, etcetera.
However, like we said in Chapter 1, depression can and usually is caused by so much more than
just a person’s environment – which is why this comment is misguided, and rather than helping
your loved one feel better, is likely to instead contribute to them feeling misunderstood and
frustrated.

“It’s all in your head”

This comment makes it sound as if your loved one is just making up their depression, or creating
a big problem out of nothing. And, because depression is a serious illness that absolutely does
exist, this is one of the worst things you can say to your loved one with depression – so please
never tell them this!

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“Just think more positively”

Learning how to combat negative thoughts, overcome them and think more positively usually is
an important step in overcoming depression. Nevertheless, you telling your loved one to “just
think more positively” is still likely to rub them the wrong way. This is because:

1. It implies that thinking positively is an easy thing to do, when in reality, it can actually be
really difficult, and can require a lot of work to be able to master.

2. It’s overly simplistic, because it ignores any and all of the other factors that may be
contributing to your loved one’s depression – whether those be painful emotions,
behavioural patterns, physical factors and/or situational factors.

3. It can feel to your loved one that you’re blaming them for their depression – by implying
that the only reason they’re struggling with it is because they’re choosing to think
negatively.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself”

Just like with suggesting that your loved one should simply “think more positively”, this kind of
statement overlooks the true severity of depression, and the fact that it’s an illness that’s caused
by a multitude of factors. Consequently, saying something like this to your loved one is highly likely
to make them feel blamed, upset, and extremely lonely and alienated.

#2: Instead Of Judging Them, Criticising Them Or Dismissing

Their Feelings, Please Always Treat Your Loved One With
Respect, Kindness & Love
Like we’ve said, people with depression are often misunderstood, criticised or belittled for their
illness, by being told things like “just get over it”, “you’re just being dramatic”, or “you have nothing
to be depressed about”, for example. However, as a supporter, if you’re instead respectful, caring
and compassionate towards your loved one and their depression, then it will make them feel much
less alone, much less overwhelmed, and really serve to give them a boost.
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On that note, some really caring, supportive things that you could say to them include:

“I love you”

People with depression often don’t love themselves, and for this reason, it’s common for them to
find it hard to believe that anyone else can. So, if you do love someone who suffers from
depression, then it can do wonders for them when you reiterate it.

“I’m here for you”

What your loved one needs from you more than anything else is your support, and to know that
you want to try to help them through it.

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

Your loved one won’t expect you to have all the answers, so it’s perfectly OK to ask them what you
can do for them.

“Would you like to talk about what you’re going through?”

Being willing to listen is wonderful – just be careful not to pressure your loved one into talking if
they don’t feel like it.

“I don’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to support you
anyway”

It’s good to be honest about what you know and what you don’t. After all, if you don’t completely
understand depression, then that’s OK – since like we’ve said, it’s a really difficult illness to
understand fully if you’ve never been through it yourself. For this reason, the most important thing
is to just be there for your loved one in a kind, compassionate and non-judgmental way.

#3: Instead Of Making Assumptions, Please Ask Questions

Like we’ve reiterated repeatedly, depression is a complicated, difficult illness to understand if you
haven’t experienced it yourself. Not only that, but it can affect different people in different ways,

40
and the same person in different ways at different times. For these reasons, it can understandably
be really hard for you to know at any point in time where your loved one’s head is at – and as a
result, it’s important to simply ask them questions about how they’re feeling, and what they’d like
you to do to help them. We really recommend you do this as opposed to making assumptions that,
due to depression being complicated and difficult to grasp, can often be wrong.

#4: Please Accept That You Can’t “Fix” Your Loved One, And
Don’t Try To Do So
It’s natural – and very endearing of you – to want to take away the pain from somebody you love,
and to want to help them feel better. However, just as you can’t fix a loved one’s broken arm for
example or cure them of a physical illness, you can’t cure them of a mental one, either. That’s OK,
though, because as a supporter, curing their depression is not your job – and we strongly
recommend not trying to make it your job by attempting to play the role of “therapist”, for
example. This is because in order to overcome depression, your loved one needs to get
professional help – just like they’d need to get professional help to overcome a physical illness or
injury like a broken arm or cancer, for example. And, in the same way that it would be unthinkable
for you to attempt to perform surgery on a friend or family member to attempt to cure them of a
physical illness or injury like so, it is similarly unwise and unhelpful for you to try to take over the
role of a mental health professional.

#5: Please Try Your Best To Be Patient

Overcoming depression takes a lot of work, and unfortunately, it doesn’t happen overnight. Not
only that, but there are likely going to be times when your loved one with depression feels too
miserable, exhausted or unmotivated to do the things that they need to do in order to get better
– such as calling their therapist to schedule an appointment, exercising, eating well, journaling or
reading a self-help book, for example. While this can understandably be frustrating for you to
witness, please try to be patient with them, and remind yourself that exhaustion and lack of
motivation are common consequences of the illness they’re trying to beat – and that for this

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reason, there may well be times when anything that requires even a small amount of effort is
beyond their capacity.

#6: From Time To Time, Reach Out To See How They’re Going
Like we said in Chapter 1, there are a number of reasons why depression may make your loved
one socially withdraw – and unfortunately, the longer they stay at home and isolate themselves,
the more and more conditioned they become to being alone; the harder and harder it becomes
for them to initiate contact; and often, the harder and harder it becomes for them to ever leave
their home. Sadly, this can lead to them feeling extremely isolated, and if this is the case, then it
will almost certainly worsen their depression.

However, looking at things from your perspective, when a friend or family member doesn’t reach
out to you at all – and particularly when you reach out to them and they don’t respond, or when
they cancel plans that they have with you – it can be very natural for you to stop initiating contact
with that person, since you’re likely to think something along the lines of:

• “What’s the point in reaching out to them if they rarely respond?”

• “What’s the point arranging to meet them if they usually cancel?”

• “They clearly don’t want to talk or interact with me, so why should I bother continuing to
contact them?”

However, like we’ve said, social withdrawal goes hand-in-hand with depression, so firstly, please
try not to take it personally. Secondly, while you may be inclined to stop reaching out to your loved
one if they’re not being responsive or if they frequently cancel their plans with you, in practice,
this actually further contributes to their isolation. Even worse, if most or all of the people in their
life stop contacting them, it can eventually make your loved one conclude that the reason they
have no social interactions is because, for example, they’re a “loser”, because they’re too
“worthless” to have friends, because they’re “unlovable”, or because everybody they used to
interact with now “hates them” – even though this isn’t the case at all.

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Consequently, rather than foregoing reaching out to your loved one if they’re unresponsive or if
they cancel their plans with you, we encourage you to continue doing so – since even if they don’t
respond or meet up with you often, it helps them know that they’re not alone; that someone still
cares about them; and that when they do feel like reaching out, that you’ll be there for them.

#7: Where Possible, Try To Lead By Example

Another way that you can subtly support your loved one with depression is by “setting a positive
example” in regards to living a healthy life – for example, by eating healthily while you’re around
them or by practising self-care, for example. At the very least, try not to engage in behaviours in
their presence that are likely to worsen their depression – such as drinking excessive amounts of
alcohol, for example – since your loved one with depression may find it easier to fall into self-
destructive habits if you partake in them in their presence.

#8: Please Take Care Of Yourself As Well

There’s a reason why when you’re on an airplane, you’re told that in the case of an emergency,
you should put your own oxygen mask on before you help somebody with theirs – and believe it
or not, the same thing applies when it comes to supporting your loved one with depression. After
all, while it’s wonderful that you’re committed to helping them, if you don’t take care of your own
emotional and mental well-being at the same time, then you run the risk of putting too much
pressure on yourself, and therefore feeling overwhelmed, burned out and exhausted. This is not
only detrimental to you, but it’s detrimental to your loved one as well, since:

1. Firstly, when you’re feeling pressured, overwhelmed, burned out and exhausted, you’re
hardly in the best position to be able to support them.

2. Secondly, if your loved one sees you feeling pressured, overwhelmed, burned out and
exhausted, then it can leave them feeling as if their own problems are so immense that
they bring everyone around them down as well. And, this is likely to make them feel like a

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 burden, fill them with guilt, make them feel even more worthless than they may already
feel, and make them much less willing to ever reach out for support again.

So, like we said, please, please make sure that you take care of yourself as well, and don’t neglect
your own mental health in the course of supporting somebody with theirs.

Are You Ready To Dive Deeper?

In this chapter, we’ve covered the most important overarching “do’s” and “don’ts” when it comes
to supporting your loved one with depression. However, like we said at the start of this chapter,
while these “general principles” are always applicable, when it comes to how to support your loved
one at any given moment, it’s going to depend on the severity of their symptoms in that moment
and their resulting ability to function – or in other words, it’s going to depend on whether they’re
in the Storm Zone, the Rain Zone or the Cloud Zone of the Storm To Sun Framework. For example:

• When your loved one is in the Rain Zone with moderately severe symptoms of depression
and feeling stressed out and overwhelmed about the next day’s presentation at work, it
could be a good idea for you to suggest going for a run together – which is a healthy activity
that’s likely to clear their mind and release some of their stress. However, this would be a
very inappropriate suggestion if they were in the Storm Zone with very severe symptoms
of depression, and feeling so exhausted that they can’t get out of bed.

• When your loved one is in the Storm Zone and tells you that they’re feeling suicidal and on
the verge of attempting to take their own life, giving them a crisis support number and
holding their hand while they call would be a good way of supporting them. However,
telling them to call a crisis support number would not be appropriate when they’re in the
Cloud Zone and out at a party having a good time.

• When your loved one is in the Cloud Zone, encouraging them to read a self-help book that
teaches them strategies to overcome their negative core beliefs would be a helpful thing
you could do for them. However, when they’re in the Rain Zone and feeling tired, run down
and burnt out at night due to having had to fulfil their day-to-day responsibilities while

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 battling moderately intense depressive symptoms, it may not be the best suggestion to
make, and in that moment, it may upset or aggravate your exhausted loved one.

Consequently, in the next three chapters, we’re going to detail exactly how to support your loved
one based on whether they’re in the Storm Zone, the Rain Zone or the Cloud Zone. To begin with,
we’ll talk about how best to support them when they’re in the Storm Zone, which is when their
symptoms are at their most severe.

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 Chapter 3: How To Support Your Loved One When
They’re In The Storm Zone

Unfortunately, there are likely to be times when your loved one is in what at The Depression
Project we call the Storm Zone of the Storm To Sun Framework – which is when their depressive
symptoms are severe, and consequently, when their ability to function is at its lowest. These are
the times when your loved one is going to need the most support, and also, it’s when you’ll need
to be the most accommodating of their depression. For both of these reasons, when your loved
one is in the Storm Zone, your role as their supporter is usually at its most challenging – so in this
chapter, we’re going to get you as prepared as possible to be able to support them when they’re
in this state.

To begin with, we’ll talk about the Storm Zone in detail, so that you can understand what your
loved one is going through in this Zone as clearly as possible. Next, we’ll lay out the expectations
that you can realistically have for your loved one when they’re in the Storm Zone – since if your
expectations are not realistic, then it can lead to misunderstandings, frustration and conflict in
your relationship. With a clear understanding of what your loved one is going through and realistic
expectations of them, we’ll then share with you the best things you can do to support your loved
one when they’re in the Storm Zone; and then lastly, we’ll cover exactly what to do if your loved
one is feeling suicidal.

Understanding The Storm Zone

Like we’ve said, when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, their depression is at its worst – i.e., it
feels like there’s a Storm that’s raging in their mind. And, when their depression is this severe, they
tend to be affected in a number of debilitating ways.

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Negative Thoughts
In the Storm Zone, it’s extremely common for people to be consumed with negative thoughts – all
of which will significantly contribute to their suffering. While these negative thoughts can come in
many forms, some particularly common ones include:

• Worthless Thoughts: For example, “I’m a loser”, “I’m unlovable”, “I’m worthless”, “I’m a
failure”, “I’m lazy”, “I’m useless”, “I deserve to suffer”, “I’m not worthy of anything good
happening to me”, and/or “everybody else is better and more important than me”.

• Hopeless Thoughts: For example, “nothing good will ever happen to me”, “I have no
future”, “there is no point in doing anything”, “everything I do will be a failure”, “I will never
feel happy again”, “I will never overcome depression”, “none of my dreams will ever come
true”, and/or “I will never be free of my pain”.

• Worrying Thoughts: These tend to occur when the person with depression fixates on
something bad happening, and then convinces themselves that when that bad thing does
inevitably happen, it will be a catastrophe. These “bad events” can be particular to a
person’s life – such as them losing their job; their partner leaving them; or even much
smaller, relatively trivial events such as them making a mistake at work or saying something
a bit silly in a social setting, for instance. Additionally, these “bad events” can also be more
macro in nature, such as a natural disaster, the possibility of a war breaking out, political
and/or civil unrest, or an election result, for example. Regardless of what the triggering
incident or situation is, though, worrying thoughts tend to take a form along the lines of:
“if this happens, my life will be over”, “I will never recover from this happening”, and/or
“this will completely destroy me if this happens”.

• Negative Thoughts About Their Impact On Loved Ones: For example, “I’m such a burden”,
“I’m such a drain for other people to deal with”, “they can’t possibly enjoy spending their
time with me”, “they must regret becoming my friend / partner / spouse”, and/or “their life
would be so much better without me in it”.

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 • Rumination: This is where a person dwells on something negative or painful that happened
(often many years ago) which they’re still struggling to let go of. It can include, for example,
beating themselves up over a mistake they once made; lamenting a break-up that
happened; or feeling ashamed of something they did which they’re not proud of.

While many of these thoughts may not sound logical to you, it’s important to understand that
when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, depression has – in the words of one of The Depression
Project’s members – “taken over their mind”. For this reason, it can be extremely, extremely
difficult for them to think clearly and logically, and as a result, you may find that they:

• Have negative thoughts based on illogical thought patterns – for example, “the reason I
feel lonely is because I’m a loser and no-one wants to be friends with me”; when it reality,
the reason they feel lonely is because as a result of their depression, they’ve socially
withdrawn from all their friends and family who love them.

• When they’re in the Storm Zone, your loved one is also much more likely to catastrophise
small problems and think of them as enormous problems – such as in the example of them
making a minor error at work or saying something a bit silly in a social setting, and then
thinking “I will never recover from this happening”.

Not only that, but while we’ve termed all of the above negative thoughts, when your loved one is
in the Storm Zone, they’re often more like negative beliefs – in the sense that your loved one can
be highly attached to their negative thoughts, and strongly believe them to be true. This differs
from the Rain Zone, for example, where while your loved one in all likelihood still has negative
thoughts, they are likely to be much less attached to them.

The Emotions Of A Person With Depression When They’re In

The Storm Zone
When your loved one is in the Storm Zone, then in addition to negative thoughts, they’re also
consumed with painful emotions. Again, these painful emotions can be different for different
people, but most commonly, they consist of some or all of the following:

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• Intense, Excruciating Misery: Misery is a well-known hallmark of depression, but nowhere
is it more intense than when your loved one is in the Storm Zone.

• A Crippling Lack of Motivation: Just like when it comes to misery, lack of motivation is not
confined to the Storm Zone. However, this is when your loved one’s motivation will be at
its lowest – to such an extent that they may not see the purpose in doing anything at all.

• Complete and Utter Overwhelm: In the Storm Zone, it’s common for people with
depression to feel so overwhelmed by the problems in their life that they have absolutely
no idea how to go about fixing them – or even where to start in doing so. Additionally, due
to how intense their symptoms are in the Storm Zone, even tasks they would otherwise
find simple and easy may also feel overwhelming to them.

• Feeling Worthless: In the Storm Zone, people with depression often literally hate
themselves, and can even feel so worthless that they believe everyone they love would be
better off without them.

• Feeling Hopeless: In the Storm Zone, many people feel suffocated by feelings of
hopelessness – to such an extent that they believe that no matter what they do, they will
never, ever be free of their suffering.

• Feeling Numb: We touched upon this when outlining the most common symptoms of
depression in Chapter 1, and like all the other ones listed, if numbness is one that’s felt by
your loved one, then this is most likely to occur – and occur most intensely – when they’re
in the Storm Zone as well. To remind you what we mean by “numbness”, it’s when your
loved one feels completely disconnected from themselves, their life and everything around
them – to such an extent that they feel like they’re merely “existing” as opposed to “living”.

• Feeling Irritable and/or Angry: When someone with depression is in the Storm Zone, as a
consequence of having to deal with such painful emotions and feeling worn out and at the
end of their tether, it’s common for them to become irritable over minor things, and for
them to be prone to angry outbursts as well.

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 • Feeling Suicidal: As a result of dealing with such difficult, painful emotions – particularly
that of hopelessness and the feeling that life will never get better – sometimes people in
the Storm Zone feel suicidal (we’ll talk more about this later on in this chapter).

The Physical Symptoms Of Depression In The Storm Zone

Once again, if depression tends to affect someone physically, then this will occur most
debilitatingly when they’re in the Storm Zone. Most commonly, this physical impact is felt as
exhaustion, and this exhaustion can be so completely and utterly consuming that even simple tasks
can become unmanageable (we’ll talk more about this in the “behaviours” section next).

In addition (or instead of) exhaustion, other physical symptoms of depression that can be crippling
in the Storm Zone include:

• An Inability To Sleep: Due to having so many negative thoughts and painful emotions
swirling around their head, it’s can be almost impossible for some people in the Storm
Zone to relax enough to fall asleep. Even when they do eventually manage to do so, they’re
often troubled by nightmares; and/or they may wake up several times throughout the
night, and find it difficult to fall back to sleep once they do. Of course, this further
contributes to them feeling exhausted as well.

• Excess Sleep: Some people have the opposite issue, where due to their extremely intense
depressive symptoms in the Storm Zone, they sleep far, far longer than they otherwise
would – which tends to make them feel very lethargic, and further reduces their ability to
function. It can also trigger negative thoughts and contribute to them feeling worthless,
because even though sleeping much more than usual is a very common – and
understandable – consequence of depression, it can make that person feel as if they’re
“lazy”, “useless”, and/or “not as capable as everyone else is”.

• If other physical symptoms like body aches and pains, digestive issues, headaches and/or
loss of appetite for example are experienced by your loved one with depression, then these
symptoms are also likely to be at their most acute in the Storm Zone as well.

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Behavioural Impacts Of Being In The Storm Zone
Being in the Storm Zone with severe depressive symptoms is undoubtedly going to have a major
impact on your loved one’s behaviour – and consequently, the way you interact with them. As
always, these behavioural changes can be different for different people, however, some extremely
common ones include:

● A Drastically Decreased Ability To Function: Like we’ve said before, the more severe your
loved one’s depressive symptoms are, then the lower their ability to function is likely going
to be – and when they’re in the Storm Zone, your loved one’s ability to function will be at
its lowest. Just how much their ability to function is compromised depends on them as an
individual, but it’s common for people in the Storm Zone to feel so exhausted and
overtaken by their depression that even simple tasks like having a shower, getting dressed
or brushing their teeth are too overwhelming – let alone leaving their home to go to work
or socialise, for example – and as a result, they spend all day in bed.

● Social Withdrawal: Like we said in Chapter 1, it’s very common for people with depression
to socially withdraw, and never is this more likely to occur – and occur to such an extreme
degree – than when your loved one is in the Storm Zone. Social withdrawal can occur for
many reasons in the Storm Zone, the most common of which including:

o Because the person with depression has no motivation or energy to leave their
home;

o Because they feel far, far too miserable to be able to fake a smile and pretend that
everything is “fine”;

o Because they don’t know how to articulate how awful they’re feeling, and/or how
to explain all of the debilitating ways that depression is affecting them;

o Because they don’t want their loved ones to see them at their worst;

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 o Because they want to “protect” and to “shield” their loved ones from their pain so
as not to make them worry;

o Because they fear being a “burden” to their loved ones;

o Because they don’t feel worthy of their loved ones’ support;

a. Because they’re worried that people will judge or think less of them – particularly
if their depression has led them to do things they’re ashamed of (such as not
showering, for instance).

● Shutting Down and Being Non-Communicative: If you’re talking to your loved one when
they’re in the Storm Zone, it’s possible that due to the debilitating intensity of their
symptoms, they may emotionally “shut down” – or in other words, completely withdraw
from the conversation and stop communicating entirely. This can occur when they become
so consumed by their depression that continuing to interact with you just becomes too
much for them, and/or when they become lost for words to explain their depression and
all the ways it’s affecting them.

● Difficulty Concentrating and/or Remembering Things: Even if they don’t completely shut
down while you’re interacting with them, it’s common for people in the Storm Zone to
have difficulty concentrating – due to the overwhelming intensity of their depressive
symptoms; and/or to being constantly bombarded by negative thoughts which distract
them. For this reason, you may find that at times, your loved one seems disengaged when
they’re talking to you. For the same reason, they may also have trouble remembering some
or most of the things you say to them when they’re in the Storm Zone as well.

● Destructive Behaviours: To try to cope with their intense depressive symptoms, some
people in the Storm Zone turn to destructive behaviours – such as excessively consuming
alcohol and/or drugs. Other less destructive – yet still harmful – behaviours people often
turn to in attempts to deal with their depression include binge-eating or excessively
watching pornography, for example. Additionally, because they’re in so much pain, it’s
common for people in the Storm Zone to feel ambivalent about living or dying – and in
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 some cases, they may prefer to be dead. For this reason, they may also engage in reckless
behaviours – such as speeding in their car, drink driving, or crossing busy roads without
watching the traffic. In the most severe cases, some people also attempt suicide.

● Self-Harm: Another destructive behaviour that some people engage in when they’re in the
Storm Zone is self-harm. A common example of this is cutting themselves, but it can also
include other forms of self-inflicted pain such as pulling their hair out, starving themselves,
or burning themselves, for example. Sometimes, this is done to punish themselves for
something they feel they’ve done wrong, or just because they hate themselves and they
think they deserve it. Often, though, people in the Storm Zone self-harm because, sadly,
the physical pain they inflict on themselves serves as a preferable distraction to their
otherwise more intense mental pain. Additionally, people with depression may also self-
harm as a way of trying to release pent-up negative emotions that they may struggle to
release through other, more healthier means.

Adjusting Your Expectations Of Your Loved One When They’re

In The Storm Zone
In order to effectively support your loved one with depression and not have conflict in your
relationship, it’s critical that you have what we call “realistic expectations” of them, and adjust
your mindset accordingly. This is arguably most important when they’re in the Storm Zone and
their ability to function is at its lowest – so below, we’re going to go through the expectations you
can realistically have of them when it comes to their thinking, their emotions, their behaviours and
their energy levels.

● Expect Their Ability To Function To Be Low: Again, this is a direct consequence of their
depressive symptoms being so intense. Like we’ve said, just how reduced your loved one’s
capacity will be depends on them as an individual, but please don’t be surprised if they
struggle to do simple tasks like shave, shower or even get out of bed, for example. Even
more importantly, please don’t judge-, criticise- or belittle them for this, since when
they’re in the Storm Zone, it’s depression’s fault – not theirs.

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● Expect Your Relationship With Your Loved One To Be Much More “One-Directional” Than
“Two-Directional”: Under regular circumstances, most social relationships tend to be “two-
directional” in nature – in the sense that there’ll be some give and take from both people;
and that in some way, shape or form, the relationship will contribute to both people getting
their own needs met. However, when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, then at that
time, your relationship is likely going to be much more “one-directional” – since its focus
is likely going to be on your loved one’s depression. In practice, this may mean, for
example:

o Due to being so consumed by the severe intensity of their symptoms, your loved
one may struggle to engage with your life as much as they usually would – to such
an extent that they may not even ask “how are you?”

o You likely won’t receive much – or any – emotional support from them for anything
difficult that you may be going through yourself.

o Any other needs you have are unlikely to be met by your loved one.

While this can at times be disappointing as well as frustrating for you, once again, please
try not to take it personally, and conclude that your loved one is being “selfish” or “rude”.
After all, they’re not doing it on purpose – they’re just so consumed by their depression at
that point in time that they’re unlikely to have the mental capacity to be able to think about
or give consideration to very much else.

● Expect That Your Loved One Will Feel Unmotivated, And Struggle To See The Point In Doing
Many Things (Or Anything): As a result, there’s a good chance that they won’t be interested
in doing the things that they used to enjoy – including fun activities they’d ordinarily do
with you. Once again, if this happens, please try your best not to take it personally.

● Expect That Your Loved One May Sometimes Break Down Over “Little Things”: And, if this
happens, try not to get frustrated with them and conclude that it’s because they’re “weak”.
Thinking this isn’t fair to them, because the real reason for their breakdown is because

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 when they’re in the Storm Zone, they’re already dealing with so, so much – and that “little
thing” they just broke down over is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

● Expect Your Loved One To Withdraw Socially: And if they do, please try not to take this
personally either. After all, it’s because of their depression – not because they’re rude or
because they no longer value your relationship.

● Expect That There May Be Times When They Shut Down / When Conversation Will Be
Stifled: Again, this is a consequence of their intense depressive symptoms. This can happen
at any time, but depending on the person, it may be more likely to occur if and when you’re
talking to them about their depression – either because it’s too painful for them to talk
about, or because they don’t know how to put their depression into words.

● Expect Your Loved One To Have Negative Thoughts That May Not Be Rational: Remember
that in the Storm Zone more so than at any other time, depression has taken over their
mind, and is significantly compromising their ability to think clearly. Consequently,
negative, irrational thoughts should be expected. And, given what your loved one is going
through, they’re also understandable – so please don’t judge-, criticise- or belittle them for
any such thoughts.

● Expect There To Be Times When Your Loved One May Be Irritable and/or Snap At You For
No Reason: And again, please do your best to be understanding and to not take it
personally.

● Expect That They May Have Trouble Concentrating and/or Trouble Remembering Things:
And if this happens, please try not to get angry and blame your loved one for it. Once again,
they’re not doing it on purpose.

● Expect That Your Loved One May Not Do The Things They Need To Do To Overcome Their
Depression: When they’re in the Storm Zone, your loved one may not have the motivation,
energy or emotional capacity to do things like, for example, attend therapy, read self-help
books, engage in healthy behaviours, forego unhealthy behaviours, etcetera. And, if this is

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 the case, then instead of getting frustrated with them, please try to be patient, and give
them a chance to get themselves back into the Rain- or the Cloud Zone.

How To Support Your Loved One When They’re In The Storm

Zone
Very importantly, there’s a reason this section is titled “how to support your loved one in the Storm
Zone” and not the more generic “how to support your loved one with depression”. After all, like
we’ve been saying, the most effective way of supporting your loved one at any point in time
depends on whether they’re in the Storm Zone, the Rain Zone or the Cloud Zone of the Storm To
Sun Framework.

And, when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, the best thing you can do as their supporter is to
try to help them “survive the storm” – or in other words, to try to help them feel safe, comfortable
and soothed so that they can get some quick, short-term relief from their severe depressive
symptoms.

Again, remember that when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, their depression is at its worst –
so much so that on some days, they may find it extremely difficult to even get out of bed. For this
reason, this is not the time to, for example, tell them that they should go for a run, or read a book
about how to overcome past trauma. On the contrary, it’s about just doing the best you can to
help give them some comfort and soothe their pain, so that gradually, they can climb out of the
Storm Zone – at which point, they’ll be in a much better position to be able to take more pro-
active action to overcome their depression.

Now, in terms of how to help them “survive the storm”, we recommend that you do the following:

1. Be There To Listen To Them

If your loved one wants to talk to get something off their chest, then it can be really helpful if you
simply lend an ear and listen to them. This may take the form of, for example, listening to them
vent their anger or frustration about something that’s upsetting them; letting them cry on your

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shoulder about something that’s hurting them; or just giving them a safe, non-judgmental space
to talk about how they feel. No matter what it is, though, giving them the chance to share what
they’re going through instead of keeping it trapped inside of them is something that many people
with depression find very cathartic – and as a result, after talking with their loved ones, they often
feel better. Not only that, but having someone listen to them can also contribute to them feeling
less lonely and isolated – which is undoubtedly going to make them feel better, too.

In saying that, though, when it’s your turn to respond, please try to resist any temptation to give
your loved one lots of advice, and to suggest that they do things that due to being in the Storm
Zone, are likely to be beyond their capacity. There will be a time when it may be helpful for you to
offer them advice and help them problem-solve the issues that they’re having (we’ll talk more
about this in Chapter 5). However, when they’re in the Storm Zone and they haven’t actively
encouraged this, it is not that time – because what they really need then is to feel safe,
comfortable and soothed so that they can get some quick, short-term relief from their severely
intense symptoms. For this reason, rather than overwhelming them with advice and jumping
straight into “let’s fix this” mode, it tends to be much more helpful to simply listen, and to try your
best to reassure, encourage and empower your loved one like we talk about below.

2. Reassure, Encourage And Empower Your Loved One

Remember that when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, they’re being bombarded with negative
thoughts like, for example, “I’m a loser”, “I’m unlovable”, “I’m worthless”, “I’m a burden to
everyone”, and/or “I will never be free of depression”. And, when they’re in the Storm Zone, these
lies that depression is telling them are going to be stronger than ever, and significantly contribute
to their severe depressive symptoms. For this reason, you can help your loved one “survive the
storm” by:

1. Reassuring them that the lies their depression is telling them aren’t true;

2. Encouraging them to keep on going;

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 3. Empowering them to feel better about themselves in spite of all the awful things their
depression is telling them.

In particular, some effective ways you can do this include:

Reassure them that:

● They are not alone, because yourself and everybody else who loves them will always be
there to support them.

● Reassure them that they are not a burden.

● Reassure them that they are not the awful things their mind is telling them they are.

● Remind them that they are loved by so many people – even if because of their depression,
they can’t see that right now.

● Reassure them that depression is a very common thing to go through and that it’s nothing
to be ashamed of.

● Reassure them that they’re not weak for struggling with depression – and that on the
contrary, they’re actually really strong for continuing to fight it and for not giving up.

● Reassure them that it’s perfectly OK if they need time and space to re-charge their
batteries – and that rather than taking it personally, you’ll understand, and still be there
for them whenever they do feel like reaching out again.

● Reassure them that it’s not weak – and in fact perfectly OK – for them to cry.

● Reassure them that when they’re in the Storm Zone, you understand that there may be
days when they just stay in bed and/or when doing simple tasks like having a shower for
example will be too overwhelming for them – and that you won’t judge or think any worse
of them for it.

● Reassure them that struggling to do simple tasks like having a shower or getting out of bed
for example does not make them “useless” or “lazy”.

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 ● Remind them that you will always love them – even on their darkest days.

Encourage them by:

• Reminding them that while what they’re going through now is really, really difficult, how
just like they’ve survived every other difficult experience they’ve been through in the past,
they’re going to survive this one, too.

• Reassure them that this too shall pass.

• Reassure them that even if they can’t see any reasons to keep on fighting, it doesn’t mean
that there aren’t any – rather, it just means that their depression is telling them even more
lies that usual.

• Reassure them that they are not always destined to feel this way, and that with help, they
can get better and live the life they want.

• Remind them that no-one is too broken, too scared or too far-gone to beat their
depression.

• Remind them that sometimes when things are falling apart, they’re actually falling into

place.

Empower them by:

• Reassuring them that even though they’re struggling with depression, they’re still the same
amazing person they’ve always been.

• Remind them of all the good qualities they have.

• Remind them of all the good things they’ve done in their life.

• Reassure them that they are strong and courageous for continuing to fight a debilitating
illness that no-one can see.

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 • Tell them how their refusal to give up is inspiring.

• Reassure them that they should feel proud of themselves for overcoming everything
they’ve overcome so far.

• Remind them that they are so much more than just their illness.

• Tell them that you believe in them.

• Reassure them that they are stronger than their depression.

• Reassure them that someone failing to see the best in them does not diminish their worth
as a person.

Reassuring, encouraging and empowering your loved one like this is a really, really great way of
helping them combat their negative thoughts, as well as helping them feel more safe, comfortable
and soothed – which like we said beforehand, is the best thing you can do for them when they’re
in the Storm Zone.

3. “Distract” Your Loved One From Their Depression

Sometimes, your loved one may not feel like talking about their depression, or listening to you
trying to reassure, encourage or empower them. When this is the case, an alternative way you can
support them is to try to distract them from their pain. For example, by:

● Trying to have a conversation with them about something other than their depression;

● Watching a movie with them;

● Telling them about an incident that happened in your day;

● Watching some highlights of their favourite sports team;

● Listening to your new favourite music album;

● Reminiscing about a nice memory you have together.

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“Distracting” your loved one like so doesn’t always work, because unfortunately, they may feel too
depressed to be able to engage in the distraction. For this reason, rather than trying to impose a
distraction on your loved one, we recommend that you ask them something like:

“If you don’t feel like talking about what you’re going through, then would you like to do something
else to try and get your mind off it? For example, like [your suggestion of a distraction].”

Provided that your loved one is receptive to it, then distracting them from their struggle can be a
really effective way of helping them when they’re in the Storm Zone.

4. Helpful, Supportive, Non-Verbal Gestures

Like we’ve said, when they’re in the Storm Zone, there may also be times when your loved one
just “shuts down”, and stops communicating and interacting with the world around them. When
this is the case, then talking to them isn’t going to work, so instead, the best way you can support
your loved one is through a non-verbal gesture. For example:

● By holding their hand;

● By hugging them;

● By running a warm, soothing bath for them;

● By wrapping them up in a warm blanket;

● By cooking them their favourite food;

● By trying to make their environment a bit more comfortable for them – for example, by
putting on their favourite music, lighting a candle, tidying up a little bit, etcetera;

● By putting on their favourite movie or sport and staying with them to watch it;

● By helping them with anything they need to get done that might reduce their overwhelm
– for example, by doing their grocery shopping, cleaning the dishes, running an errand for
them, etcetera;

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 ● By reminding them that you’ll be there for them whenever they do feel like talking.

Like we said, these non-verbal gestures are particularly helpful when your loved one “shuts down”
or when they don’t feel like talking. In saying that, however, even when they do feel like talking,
helpful non-verbal gestures can be a comforting, soothing complement to verbal supportive
strategies – so try to utilise them when you can!

5. Continue Reaching Out To Your Loved One – So That They

Know They’re Not Alone
Like we’ve said, for a number of different reasons, when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, they
may socially withdraw from you and the other people around them. When this happens, then it of
course restricts your ability to support them using the strategies we’ve so far talked about, and for
this reason, you might think there’s nothing you can do to help them. Not only that, but particularly
if they’ve not been responsive when you’ve contacted them or if they’ve ignored you completely,
then you may decide to stop reaching out – because you no longer see the point of doing so.

However, when your loved one with depression socially withdraws, then it’s important that you
still reach out to them regardless of whether they respond or not. This is because:

● It shows them that they’re not alone;

● It reminds them that people care about them;

● Even if they don’t respond because they aren’t ready or in the mood to talk, reading your
text, social media message or email for example is still likely to give them a boost;

● When they do feel like talking, they’ll be much more likely to contact you if you’ve been
frequently reaching out to them.

Now, in terms of how to reach out to your loved one when they’ve socially withdrawn, many
supporters think that the only ways they can do so is by directly asking their loved one “how are
you?”; or, “is there anything that you’d like my help with?” Of course, these are nice questions to

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ask – however, they certainly aren’t the only ways that you can reach out. In fact, there are many,
many other ways as well!

In particular, here are a number of suggestions:

● Share something that made you think of your loved one;

● Tell them you miss them;

● Ask their opinion about a new song you heard;

● Remind them that they’re not alone;

● Ask them if they’ve seen a popular new Netflix show;

● Let them know you’re free for a chat if they feel like it;

● Remind them they’re loved;

● Ask them about a recent social media post they made;

● Acknowledge that things haven’t been easy;

● Ask them if they’ve listened to a new singer / band that you like;

● Share a piece of news that they may be interested in;

● Offer to run an errand for them;

● Tag them in something nice or entertaining on social media;

● Remind them of a cool memory you have of them;

● Send them a photo you love of the two of you;

● Acknowledge their strength during these difficult times;

● Send them a funny meme;

● Deliver them something nice that they like – like flowers, for example;

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 ● Express gratitude that you have them in your life;

● Give them a compliment;

● Share what they mean to you;

● Acknowledge the good things they’ve done;

● Thank them for the joy they’ve given you;

● Message them a cute GIF.

● Thank them for still being here;

● Ask their opinion on something in the news;

● Ask their opinion on a new outfit you bought;

● Post them a book you like;

● Remind them of something funny they once did;

● Send them an e-card;

● Thank them for their loyalty over the years;

● Tell them how much you love them.

As you likely noticed, some of these ways of reaching out are a bit more direct than others, but
one thing they all have in common is that in addition to showing your loved one that they’re not
alone and that you care about them, they open the lines of communication between you. And,
this is very important, because sometimes this is all it takes to break your loved one out of their
shell and kickstart a deeper, more meaningful conversation that allows you to support them
through the other ways we’ve mentioned.

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What To Do If Your Loved One Is Feeling Suicidal
Sadly, when they’re in the Storm Zone, there is the possibility that your loved one may feel so low
that they’ll be suicidal. Thankfully, though, there are usually warning signs that indicate when this
is likely to be the case18. In particular, some common ones include:

● Talking about wanting to die (even if they’re only “joking” about it19) – and in particular,
making a plan to do so20;

● Talking about being a burden to others21, and/or saying that others would be better off
without them;

● Talking hopelessly about the future – including saying, for example, that they don’t know
how much longer they can keep holding on, and/or that they can’t see any reason to
continue living22;

● Saying they feel trapped23, and/or that they can’t see a way out of the extremely painful
experience they’re going through;

● Socially withdrawing and avoiding loved ones24;

● Reckless and/or risk-taking behaviour25 (such as speeding while driving, for example);

● Making preparations that are in alignment with the expectation that they will pass away
soon 26 – such as, for example, putting together a will and/or giving away important
possessions.

When one or more of these warning signs occur, many supporters think that their loved one
should instantly contact a crisis support service – or that they themselves should immediately get
emergency services involved and have their loved one hospitalised. And, while there is a time
when these measures can be appropriate, in many cases, they are completely inappropriate, and
as we’ve heard many times from members of The Depression Project’s community, only serve to
traumatise that person and make them much, much less likely to ever reach out for help in the
future. For this reason, instead of your immediate reaction being to pressure your loved one with

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depression into contacting a crisis support service or to get emergency services involved, we
believe a better way of supporting them when they’re feeling suicidal is to first, give them a safe,
judgment-free space to talk openly and honestly with you about what they’re feeling. Of course,
it can be natural for you to be shy, uncomfortable and scared to breach the subject of suicide with
your loved one. However, if you suspect that your loved one is feeling this way, then we really
encourage you to do so. After all, talking about suicide can help them realise that they’re not alone,
that they’re loved, and that they have someone who cares about them and is willing to help – all
of which can be easy for them to lose sight of when they’re deep in the Storm Zone. Not only that,
but by talking to them, you can also better understand what the risk of them actually attempting
suicide is – and then take appropriate action based on that. Some questions you could possibly
ask to help you assess this risk may be:

● How do you feel about the future?

● Do you feel hopeless about your circumstances?

● Do you feel you have a reason to keep on living?

● Do you feel like you know the next step to get better?

● Have you done anything reckless or dangerous or put yourself in harm’s way at all – without
caring about whether you lived or died? Have you done anything like this with the hope
that you would die?

● Do you feel as if other people would be better off without you?

● Do you feel like there are things in the future you have to look forward to?

● Do you still feel like you have a purpose in life?

● Do you see a way out of this situation?

● Do you feel as if life has lost all meaning?

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 ● Are your suicidal thoughts relatively passive in nature, or are you strongly considering
suicide? Have you thought about how you would do it? Do you have a plan in place?

As you talk to your loved one and ask them these questions, you’ll have a much better idea about
whether there is a “mild” risk that your loved one will attempt suicide, a “moderate” risk, or a
“severe” risk.

“Mild” Risk Of Suicide

Your loved one can be said to have a “mild” risk of attempting suicide when their suicidal thoughts
are passive in nature – i.e., where they think about death – and perhaps even take comfort in the
thought of it – but when they have not considered a method for attempting suicide or made any
plans to do so. When this is the case, then rather than pressuring them to contact a crisis support
service and/or getting emergency services involved, we believe it would be more appropriate and
helpful for you to:

● Encourage them to seek professional help as soon as possible – starting with a doctor or a
therapist who can help them get on the right track to getting better.

● Remind them of the reasons they have to stay alive. For example:

• All the future life milestones they have to look forward to – for example, getting
married, having a baby, having grandchildren, going on holidays to their dream
destination, etcetera;

• Their dreams and other goals that they’ve always wanted to accomplish in life;

• Their hobbies, and the other things that bring them joy;

• Their friends and family who love them.

● It can also help to reassure, encourage and empower them – in the same way that we’ve
talked about previously.

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 ● In addition to the above, you can also do your best to try to make them feel comfortable –
such as, for example, by performing one of the helpful, non-verbal gestures that we talked
about earlier.

“Moderate” Risk Of Suicide

Your loved one’s risk of attempting suicide can be thought of as “moderate” when unlike when
the risk was only “mild”, they have considered a method of attempting suicide – yet at the same
time, they lack any specific intent to carry it out. Examples of this lack of intent could include your
loved one saying, for example:

● “I’ve thought about doing _______, but I wouldn’t actually do it.”

● “While I do have the urge to _______, I still have a reason to stay alive that’s _______.”

When this is the case, then rather than pressuring your loved one to contact a crisis support service
and/or getting emergency services involved, we recommend that you instead:

● Strongly encourage them to seek professional help immediately. To help them do this, with
their permission, you could even schedule an appointment for them with a doctor yourself.

● Once again, it’s helpful for you to remind them of the reasons they have to stay alive, and
to do your best to reassure, encourage and empower them.

● In addition to the above, you can also do your best to try to make them feel comfortable
by performing one of the helpful, non-verbal gestures we’ve mentioned.

“Severe” Risk Of Suicide

Your loved one’s risk of attempting suicide can be thought of as “severe” when not only have they
considered a method of attempting suicide, but when they’ve also expressed intent to go through
with this attempt, and particularly when they’ve made specific plans to carry it out. Additionally,
what makes the risk of suicide even higher is if:

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 ● Your loved one has already attempted suicide in the past;

● Your loved one has recently put themselves at risk by engaging in reckless and/or
dangerous behaviours;

● Your loved one tends to be impulsive in nature.

With that being said, if your loved one is at a “severe” risk of suicide, then:

● This is the time for you to strongly encourage them to call a suicide hotline and/or for
emergency services to get involved (The Depression Project has a list of some numbers
available on our website at [Link]
– but please do your own research as well).

● You can also help reduce the risk of suicide by creating a safe environment for your loved
one – for example, by hiding or removing any weapons, sharp objects or anything else that
they could use to act on their impulses. This may also involve dolling out their medication
to them yourself – to remove the possibility and temptation for them to try to overdose.

● We also recommend that you stay with them – because when your loved one is in this
state, then it can be dangerous to leave them alone.

● While you stay with them, it can still be helpful to remind them of the reasons they have
to stay alive, and to try to reassure, encourage and empower them as well.

You’re Doing Really, Really Well!

So, we’ve now reached the end of this chapter, and before we move on to the next one and talk
about how to best support your loved one when they’re in the Rain Zone, we just want to take a
moment to acknowledge that you’re doing a really, really good job. After all, we’ve covered a lot
of difficult, sensitive topics in this chapter, but you’ve stuck with it to make yourself the best
supporter you can be – which is very commendable and noble of you. Not only that, but it would
be completely understandable if you were feeling nervous, worried or upset as a result, so if you’re
feeling this way, then we recommend that you take a break from reading this book, and do
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something pleasant or uplifting to give yourself a boost and recharge your batteries. Then, when
you’re ready, we can talk about how best to support your loved one when they’re in the Rain Zone.

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 Chapter 4: How To Support Your Loved One When
They’re In The Rain Zone

Thankfully, your loved one is unlikely to spend all of their time in the Storm Zone. In fact, unless
their depression is extremely severe, then there’s a good chance that they’ll spend a large
percentage of it in either the Rain or the Cloud Zones. So, let’s now switch our attention to the
Rain Zone – where the intensity of your loved one’s symptoms is moderate.

Understanding The Rain Zone

As was the case when your loved one was in the Storm Zone, when they’re in the Rain Zone, their
depression is going to affect their thoughts, their emotions, their behaviours, as well as how they
feel physically.

Negative Thoughts
Just like when your loved one was in the Storm Zone, when they’re in the Rain Zone, they’re likely
to be experiencing negative thoughts. However, the major differences between negative thoughts
experienced in the Storm Zone and negative thoughts experienced in the Rain Zone are that:

● In the Rain Zone, your loved one’s negative thoughts are likely to be “less negative”. For
example, while they may experience the negative thought “I’m completely worthless and
the world would be better off without me” when they’re in the Storm Zone, in the Rain
Zone, they may experience the similar – although much less catastrophic – negative
thought “I’m not as good as everyone else”.

● In the Storm Zone, negative thoughts are often constant, whereas in the Rain Zone, they’re
much more likely to come and go.

● In the Rain Zone, your loved one’s attachment to any negative thoughts they experience is
likely to be considerably weaker than was the case in the Storm Zone. In particular, like we

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 said in the previous chapter, while negative thoughts in the Storm Zone are often so strong
that they’re effectively negative beliefs, in the Rain Zone, their validity will not be so deeply
entrenched in your loved one’s mind.

The Emotions Of A Person With Depression When They’re In

The Rain Zone
As is the case with negative thoughts, while your loved one still has to deal with difficult emotions
such as worthlessness, overwhelm, irritability, sadness and/or lack of motivation for example
when they’re in the Rain Zone, the severity of these emotions is considerably less intense than
when your loved one was in the Storm Zone.

The Behavioural Impacts Of Being In The Rain Zone

When they’re in the Rain Zone, as a result of their depressive symptoms not being as intense as
they were in the Storm Zone, your loved one is much less likely to emotionally shut down, engage
in destructive behaviours, or self-harm. Because their symptoms are less intense, their ability to
function will also be higher, and as a result, relatively simple tasks like getting out of bed, having a
shower and brushing their teeth for example won’t tend to feel akin to climbing a mountain like
they often do in the Storm Zone. In fact, when your loved one is in the Rain Zone, they can usually
uphold their day-to-day responsibilities – including doing all the relatively simple tasks like the
ones we just mentioned, in addition to more demanding tasks such as, for example, going to work.
However, while manageable, upholding responsibilities such as these while dealing with even
moderately severe symptoms of depression is likely to make your loved one:

● Feel tired and burned out much quicker than they otherwise would.

● Since their ability to function is compromised and they’re consequently often at the end
of their tether, they may be prone to snapping over something small (like we’ve said
before, that “something small” can often be the “straw that breaks the camel’s back”).

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 ● When they’re in the Rain Zone, completing the day’s essential tasks like showering, going
to work and preparing dinner, for example, is likely to consume almost all of their energy
– and as a result, they often won’t have much capacity left over for what could be deemed
“non-essential” activities like their hobbies or socialising, for example.

● If you do happen to be interacting with your loved one when they’re in the Rain Zone, then
they may appear less engaged than they otherwise would be. Not only that, but there may
also be times when they have difficulty concentrating, and/or when they forget something
you told them (although not to the same degree as when they were in the Storm Zone).

The Physical Symptoms Of Depression In The Rain Zone

Like we said above, as a result of having to function while dealing with moderately severe
symptoms of depression, people in the Rain Zone are prone to feeling burned out and tired much
quicker than they otherwise would. Due to battling moderately severe depressive symptoms, it’s
also possible that they’ll have difficulty sleeping; that they’ll oversleep; that they’ll experience
difficulties sexually; and/or that they’ll struggle with body aches and pains, headaches, digestive
issues or a loss of appetite. In saying that, though, none of these physical symptoms are likely to
be present to the degree that they were in the Storm Zone.

Adjusting Your Expectations Of Your Loved One When They’re

In The Rain Zone
As was the case when we were talking about your loved one being in the Storm Zone, in order to
most effectively support them while also avoiding conflict and misunderstandings, it’s important
that you have “realistic expectations” of them when they’re in the Rain Zone as well. In particular,
the most important ones include:

● Expect Their Ability To Function To Be Compromised: Due to having moderately intense

depressive symptoms, your loved one’s ability to function in the Rain Zone will likely be
compromised to some degree. For this reason, then like we’ve said, while there’s a good

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 chance that they can manage to do the relatively “essential” things in their life (such as
getting out of bed, having a shower and going to work, for example), there’s also a good
chance that they won’t have much (or even any) energy to do the “non-essential” things
that they would otherwise do – such as engaging in their hobbies or socialising, for
instance.

● Expect That Your Relationship Will Not Be As “Two-Directional” As It Otherwise Would Be:
Like we said in the previous chapter, when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, the focus
of your interactions is likely going to be on them, their struggle, and the things that you can
do to support them – to such an extent that because they’re so consumed by their
depression, they may show little to no interest in your life at all. And, while this is less likely
to be the case in the Rain Zone due to your loved one’s less intense depressive symptoms,
because their moderately intense symptoms are still taking a toll on them, they’re still
unlikely to engage as much in your life as they otherwise would, and the focus is still likely
to be more on them than it is likely to be “equal”.

● Expect That Your Loved One May Withdraw Socially: Like we said above, having to fulfil all
of their responsibilities while feeling moderately depressed is likely to leave your loved one
feeling burnt out, frazzled and at the end of their tether. In such a state, they may no longer
have the energy to socialise, and instead may need time to themselves to simply recharge
their batteries. For this reason, when your loved one is in the Rain Zone, they may keep to
themselves a lot, and even when they do plan to meet up with you, they’re unfortunately
more likely than they otherwise would be to cancel plans on short notice. This could
happen for a variety of reasons, including:

• At the time they made plans to meet with you, they thought they’d be able to
manage it – but when it was time to meet, they just didn’t have the energy.

• When it came time to meet with you, they were feeling worse than they were when
they made plans to do so – and as such, they were scared of bringing you down or
becoming a burden to you. Alternatively, they may have felt embarrassed for you

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 to see them not at their best, or felt worried that you wouldn’t have enjoyed your
time with them given that they were in that state.

Now, while we understand that your loved one cancelling plans at the last minute can
indeed be annoying and frustrating for you, then like we’ve said, instead of holding it
against them and concluding that they’re just “rude”, “careless” or “thoughtless”, for
example, please instead remind yourself that they didn’t annoy and frustrate you on
purpose; that they’re no doubt really sorry for doing so; and that this annoying and
frustrating incident took place because your loved one has depression and this is a natural
consequence of their illness – not because they’re a rude, careless or thoughtless person.

● Expect That They Will Lack Motivation: While their lack of motivation is unlikely to be as
acute as it was in the Storm Zone, it is still a common consequence of moderately intense
symptoms of depression. For this reason, your loved one is less likely to engage in activities
than they otherwise would be, and they may not always have the motivation to do the
things that they need to do in order to get better. While in the Rain Zone, it’s appropriate
to try to encourage your loved one to get help and engage in healthy behaviours that assist
them in coping with their depression (we’ll talk about this soon), please try to be patient
with your loved one as well – because even trying to function with moderately severe
depressive symptoms can be really exhausting and difficult.

● Expect That They May Break Down Over “Minor Things”: And if this happens, then please
don’t conclude that it’s because they’re weak, since because like we’ve said, trying to go
about their everyday life while dealing with moderately severe depressive symptoms is
likely to leave them feeling burnt out, frazzled and at the end of their tether.

● Expect That Your Loved One May At Times Appear Distant and/or Disengaged When They
Interact With You; and/or That They May Appear Irritable and/or Unintentionally Snap At
You: And, if this happens, then once again, please try not to take it personally or hold it
against them.

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How To Support Your Loved One When They’re In The Rain
Zone
When your loved one was in the Storm Zone, then as a supporter, we advised that the best thing
you could do for them was to try to help them “survive the storm” – or in other words, to help
them feel safe, comfortable and soothed so that they could get some quick, short-term relief from
their severely intense symptoms.

However, when they’re in the Rain Zone, the most effective thing you can do for them is to help
them “cope with the rain” – in order to make it easier for them to function as best as possible and
uphold their day-to-day responsibilities, without them getting burnt out, breaking down
emotionally, or their symptoms intensifying and having them slip back into the Storm Zone.

Now, in terms of how to help them cope with their moderately intense symptoms like so, we’ve
included a number of suggestions below.

1. Be There To Talk To Your Loved One (But In A Somewhat

Different Way Than Before)
When your loved one was in the Storm Zone, then like we said, your primary goal was to help them
“survive the storm”, and for this reason, we recommended that conversation with them be
centred around:

● Being there to listen to them;

● Rather than trying to offer them advice and/or trying to help them solve all of their
problems, we suggested that you help to reassure, encourage and empower them instead.

However, because your loved one’s ability to function is higher in the Rain Zone, then while you
can – and should! – still be there to listen to them, we believe it’s best if the way you reassure,
encourage and empower them changes a little bit. Not only that, but there are also some

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additional things you can address in the Rain Zone that will ultimately benefit your loved one as
well. So, right now, let’s discuss all of these differences.

The Differences In How You Can Empower Your Loved One When They’re In The Rain
Zone

When your loved one is in the Rain Zone, you can still empower them in the same way you did
when they were in the Storm Zone – for example, by reminding them of all the good qualities they
have, of all the good things they’ve done in their life, and by telling them that you believe in them.
Additionally, though, an extra way you can empower them when they’re in the Rain Zone is to
affirm to your loved one how well they’re doing for functioning in the midst of fighting depression
– and how strong this makes them. Not only will this give your loved one a boost in confidence,
but it will also show them that you understand how difficult it is to struggle with depression, and
that you understand how much struggling with depression can compromise a person’s ability to
function. This understanding will be a great source of comfort for your loved one, because:

● Being understood will help them to feel much less alone;

● It implicitly shows them that you don’t have any expectations for them to do anything that
is over and above what is “essential”. This can also really help to put your loved one at
ease, because when they know this, they’re much less likely to feel scared that you will get
upset or think less of them if they aren’t able to function, socialise, or do anything else to
the same extent or standard as they otherwise would.

The Differences In How You Can Encourage Your Loved One When They’re In The
Rain Zone

When your loved one is in the Rain Zone, you can still encourage them like you did when they were
in the Storm Zone – for example, by telling them that this too shall pass; that they are not always
destined to feel this way; and that with the right help, they can get better and go on to live the life
they want. However, because your loved one’s negative thoughts as well as their depressive
symptoms aren’t as intense in the Rain Zone, then chances are that they won’t require as much of
this encouragement as they did when they were in the Storm Zone. In saying that, though, while

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they will likely need less of this motivational, uplifting sort of encouragement when they’re in the
Rain Zone, there’s another important way that you can encourage them – and that’s to encourage
them to engage in healthy behaviours.

Let us explain: when your loved one is in the Rain Zone, the behaviours they engage in will have a
considerable impact on whether they tumble back into the Storm Zone, or whether they remain
in the Rain Zone (or ideally move into the Cloud Zone). For example:

● Healthy behaviours like exercising, meditating, prioritising getting a good night’s sleep,
going to therapy, and reading self-help books for example are likely to help your loved one
deal with stress; cope with their depression; and help prevent them from becoming burned
out, physically and emotionally exhausted, and falling back into the Storm Zone.

● However, unhealthy behaviours like binge drinking, taking drugs and avoiding therapy
make it much harder for your loved one to cope with their depression over time (despite
these behaviours perhaps giving your loved one a temporary escape from their depression
in the short term). For this reason, these behaviours greatly increase the likelihood of your
loved one falling back into the Storm Zone.

Accordingly, as someone who supports them, it can help if you encourage your loved one to
engage in healthy behaviours as opposed to unhealthy behaviours. A few ways you can do this
include, for example:

● Telling them that you’re planning to go for a run or a bike ride, and asking them if they’d
like to join you.

● You could invite them to go to a meditation class with you.

● You could encourage them to keep their therapy appointments if they tell you that they’re
thinking of cancelling. Alternatively, if they’re not currently seeing a therapist, then you
could encourage them to do so. Even better, if they seem receptive to seeing a therapist
but they aren’t sure where to begin in doing so, you could help by researching possible

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 therapists for them, and then presenting them with a few options that you think would be
good.

● You could also gift them a self-help book that teaches them strategies to help them
overcome depression – for them to read when they’re feeling up to it.

The Differences In How You Can Reassure Your Loved One When They’re In The Rain
Zone

You can reassure your loved one in the same way you did when they were in the Storm Zone – for
example, by reassuring them that they are not a burden, by reassuring them that they are loved,
and by reassuring them that going through depression is nothing to be ashamed of. Just like with
encouraging them, though, when your loved one is in the Rain Zone, then you’re unlikely to need
to reassure them as much as you would when they’re in the Storm Zone.

2. Address The Storm Zone

If your loved one has been in the Storm Zone, then it will be extremely helpful if when they’re in
the Rain Zone, you talk to them about what their triggers are – or in other words, the things that
are likely to cause them to fall back into the Storm Zone. The reason why is because if you
understand those triggers, then you might be able to help your loved one avoid or deal with them,
and therefore prevent them from falling back into the Storm Zone. For example:

● If your loved one works a high-pressure job and you know that they get particularly
triggered during meetings with their boss, let’s say, then on those days, you could pick up
their children from school and babysit for a couple of hours – to give them some extra time
to decompress, to relax a little bit, and to recover from their meeting with their boss rather
than having it contribute to them falling back into the Storm Zone.

● If you know that they get really triggered dropping their child off at their ex’s place who
they share custody with, then you could offer to do something that you know they’ll enjoy
afterwards in order to give them a boost and help prevent a downwards spiral.

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The Second Important Topic To Address About The Storm Zone

Additionally, when your loved one is in the Storm Zone, because the intensity of their symptoms
is severe and their ability to function is consequently low, they may not have the emotional
capacity at that point in time to have certain conversations that it would be beneficial to have. In
particular, at that point in time, they may be unable to articulate or explain how they’d like you to
support them when they’re in the Storm Zone. So, in order for you to understand this better, when
your loved one is in the Rain Zone with less severe depressive symptoms and a higher emotional
capacity to communicate effectively, we recommend that you ask them, for example:

● Did you feel that the ways I supported you in the Storm Zone made you feel soothed, safe
and comfortable? Is there anything I can do better next time?

● If you feel really miserable / unmotivated / numb / angry / irritated / worthless / hopeless /
[insert another emotion they often experience in the Storm Zone], then what’s the best
thing I can do in that moment to support you?

● If you emotionally shut down / socially withdraw again, what’s the best thing I can do in
that moment to support you?

3. Gently Challenge – And Try To Help Them Overcome –

Their Negative Thoughts
Like we’ve said, when your loved one is in the Storm Zone with severe symptoms of depression,
their negative thoughts tend to be so strong that in those moments, they’re often negative beliefs.
For this reason – and because when they’re in the Storm Zone it can be extremely difficult for
them to be able to think clearly – pointing out the reasons why the negative things your loved one
is telling themselves aren’t accurate isn’t likely to convince them otherwise. However, when your
loved one is in the Rain Zone with less intense depressive symptoms and a higher capacity to think
clearly, then gently challenging the veracity of their negative thoughts and highlighting a more
truthful, positive viewpoint can really help diminish the power that those negative thoughts have

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over them. In fact, this can sometimes be the difference between them slipping back into the
Storm Zone or progressing to the Cloud Zone – so don’t underestimate its power!

Now, when it comes to how to actually do this in practice, some simple yet helpful methods
include:

1. Gently highlighting the evidence to suggest that the negative things your loved one is
telling themselves aren’t actually true.

2. Gently highlighting a more positive, optimistic, and/or less self-critical way that your loved
one could be viewing the situation or circumstance in question.

3. Gently asking your loved one: “if it was me in your position, would you be telling me the
same negative, critical things that you’re currently telling yourself?” Encouraging your
loved one to ask themselves this question can be a real game-changer for them, because
it can help distance them from their negative thoughts, and help them to look at the self-
critical things they’re telling themselves from a different, more objective angle. And, when
someone with depression does this, they’ll often realise that they’re being really hard and
unfair towards themselves – which is the starting point to treating themselves with more
care and compassion.

4. It can also help to remind your loved one – where it’s applicable – that even though what
they’re worried and/or frustrated about now is completely understandable, that it’s only
frustrating right now, and that in the long-run, it thankfully won’t have a significant impact
on them. This isn’t about trying to diminish their pain, and of course, you shouldn’t say this
when whatever is troubling them will still impact them in the long-run. However, when
someone’s struggling with depression, they tend to see things through a “depressive lens”
that’s negatively distorted, and as a result, they’ll sometimes blow relatively minor
problems out of proportion – which is why during these times, reminding them that what
they’re upset about won’t matter in the long run can be a helpful way of easing their pain.

Before we move on to the next helpful way to support your loved one with depression when
they’re in the Rain Zone, we’d just like to reiterate once again that while gently challenging the
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veracity of your loved one’s negative thoughts can indeed be very helpful, please try not to do so
in a way that belittles them or is likely to make them feel stupid – for example, by saying that
they’re “wrong”, or that what they’re saying “makes no sense”. After all, as is always the case, it’s
much better to come across as compassionate, understanding and caring – for example, by saying
something like:

● “I think you’re being really, really hard on yourself, my friend. I think a more positive way to
look at this situation would be …”

● “I understand how you may feel that way, but what about the evidence to the contrary like
…”

● “It sounds to me like the ‘depression lens’ that you’re viewing things through is magnifying
the negatives of this situation while filtering out the positives. What about the alternative
viewpoint that …”

Each of these ways of challenging your loved one’s negative thoughts can still be really effective,
and because they do so in a gentle, respectful way that doesn’t belittle or implicitly criticise them,
your loved one will likely be much more receptive to what you have to say than if you instead
started out by saying that they’re “wrong”, or that their way of looking at the situation is
“ridiculous”, “insane” or “crazy”, for example.

4. Perform “Acts Of Service” That Make Life Easier For Your

Loved One
Like we’ve said, when your loved one is in the Rain Zone, then while they’ll tend to be able to
function well enough to fulfil their day-to-day obligations, doing so is likely to be tiring and draining
for them. For this reason, a really helpful way of supporting them when they’re in the Rain Zone is
to make life easier for them by performing “acts of service” – in order to help lighten the load
that’s on their shoulders. Examples of this can include, but are certainly not limited to:

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 ● If it’s your partner in the Rain Zone, a helpful act of service might be to take care of
organising dinner yourself as well as doing the other household chores – so that your
partner has a few less things to worry about.

● If it’s your friend with depression, then like we said, a helpful act of service might be to pick
up their children from school one afternoon and babysit them at your place for a couple
of hours – to give them some extra time to recharge their batteries.

● If your loved one with depression is a colleague at work who you’re close with, then a
helpful act of service might be to assist them with their workload.

Again, these three examples are of course not exhaustive, as there are lots of different acts of
service that you can perform for your loved one to make life easier for them. As for what exact
acts of service would benefit your loved one in particular:

● Nobody would know better than them, so if you’re not sure, just ask!

● However, if they’re not really sure or if they seem a little bit shy or embarrassed to mention
anything, then it can help if you give them a few suggestions of things you’d be happy to
do for them which they might find helpful.

● Additionally, in some cases you may be able to perform helpful acts of service for your
loved one without asking them at all. For example, if it’s your partner with depression, you
could likely just take it upon yourself to do the household chores, for instance. A second
example would be that if you hear your friend casually mention that they need to go to the
supermarket tomorrow because they’re about to run out of milk, then you could take the
initiative to pick it up and deliver it to them.

You’re Doing Great!

We’ve now reached the end of this chapter, and once again, we’d like to commend you for
continuing to read this book, and for trying to become the best supporter to your loved one that
you can be!

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Next, in the fifth and final chapter before we wrap everything up, we’re going to talk about how
to best support your loved one when they’re in the Cloud Zone. So, whenever you’re ready, let’s
dive right into it!

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 Chapter 5: How To Support Your Loved One When
They’re In The Cloud Zone

For many supporters, the Cloud Zone can be a particularly confusing one, because the way your
loved one feels – i.e. not bad (or even pretty good) with mild depressive symptoms and a relatively
high ability to function – is not what they would associate with depression. So, to help clarify
everything for you, in this chapter, we’re going to start by talking about how being in the Cloud
Zone impacts your loved one’s thoughts, emotions, behaviours and how they feel physically. Very
importantly, we’re then going to reiterate why being in the Cloud Zone does not mean that your
loved one no longer has depression – in addition to explaining what overcoming depression
actually looks like. After that, we’re going to cover how you can best support your loved one when
they’re in the Cloud Zone, as well as talk about the importance of you also enjoying your time with
them. Finally, we’re then going to address the importance of getting your own needs met from
your loved one when they’re in the Cloud Zone.

Whenever you’re ready, let’s jump right into it!

Understanding The Cloud Zone

As you know, when your loved one is in the Cloud Zone, it means that at that point in time, their
depressive symptoms are mild. Below, we talk about what this means for their thoughts, emotions,
behaviours and how they feel physically.

Thoughts
In the Cloud Zone, your loved one is able to think at their clearest, as well as at their most positive.
This does not necessarily mean that your loved one can’t experience negative thoughts while
they’re in the Cloud Zone (although they may not). However, if they do:

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 ● Their thoughts will be much “less negative” than they were in the Rain and the Storm
Zones;

● Any negative thoughts they have will be much more infrequent;

● Their attachment to any negative thoughts they have will be much weaker than was the
case in the Rain and the Storm Zones.

The Emotions Of A Person When They’re In The Cloud Zone

All the emotions that are associated with depression such as misery, overwhelm, worthlessness
and hopelessness for example will be at their mildest when your loved one is in the Cloud Zone. In
fact, in the best of cases, your loved one’s symptoms may be so mild that when they’re in the
Cloud Zone, they feel almost “normal” – i.e. the way they used to feel before they started
struggling with depression.

The Behavioural Impacts Of Being In The Cloud Zone

Because your loved one’s depressive symptoms will be at their mildest, then their ability to
function will also be at its highest. For this reason:

● Your loved one will be able to function reasonably well without becoming easily tired;

● They’ll be much more likely to want to socialise with their friends and family;

● In the Cloud Zone, your loved one’s motivation is also likely to be at its highest, and for this
reason, they’ll be most able to do the things that they may have been putting off doing
while they were in the Rain or Storm Zones (for example, socialising like we just mentioned,
but also their hobbies, chores and other things on their to-do list).

The Physical Symptoms Of Depression In The Cloud Zone

In the Cloud Zone, any physical symptoms your loved one experiences will be mild or non-existent.

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Why Being In The Cloud Zone Does Not Mean That Your Loved
One No Longer Has Depression
Just as was the case when your loved one was in the Storm or the Rain Zone, it’s extremely
important that you have an accurate perception of them and their depression when they’re in the
Cloud Zone as well – to avoid having any unrealistic expectations that can unfortunately lead to
conflict between you.

On that note, when it comes to the Cloud Zone, the most common misconception people tend to
have is that because your loved one is feeling much better – and particularly if they appear happy,
sociable and “back to normal”, so to speak – that it means they’ve beaten their depression and
that they’ll never feel that way again. However, like we said back in Chapter 1, this is a very, very
damaging misconception to have, because if and when your loved one finds themselves back in
the Rain or the Storm Zone with more intense depressive symptoms, it can lead you to conclude,
for example:

“But they’re just being overdramatic or making this up! After all, they don’t have depression
anymore – as evidenced by the fact that last week, they felt completely fine!”

However, as you now know from reading this book, just because your loved one has a “good day”,
it unfortunately doesn’t automatically mean that they’re on top of their illness and that they’ll
never feel depressed ever again. Rather, it tends to just mean that they’re in the Cloud Zone of
the Storm To Sun Framework, and that for this reason, it’s very possible that at some point in the
future, your loved one may slip back into the Rain or the Storm Zone, and therefore exhibit more
intense depressive symptoms.

FAQ: Does This Imply That It’s Not Possible For My Loved One
To Ever Beat Their Depression?
When supporters of people with depression hear things like “your loved one having a ‘good day’
does not mean they’ve overcome depression, but that they’re in the Cloud Zone, and for this

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reason, they’re likely going to exhibit more intense depressive symptoms in the future”, it’s
common for them to wonder if this implies that it’s not actually possible for their loved one to
ever overcome their depression. Put another way, they wonder if it implies that their loved one is
destined to oscillate between the Storm Zone, the Rain Zone and the Cloud Zone for the rest of
their life, without ever “being in the sun”, so to speak.

However, it’s extremely, extremely important to note that the “having a good day does not mean
your loved one has beaten depression” truth does NOT also mean that it’s impossible for your
loved one to ever overcome depression.

Rather, what it means is that your loved one having a “good day” is not a reliable indicator in and
of itself that they have – or are on track to – overcoming their depression.

In particular, the reason why it’s a poor indictor of recovery is because overcoming depression
does not happen linearly – as you can see in the graphs below:

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Because Graph 2 is what overcoming depression actually looks like, your loved one having a “good
day” or appearing “back to normal” the next time you see them does not mean that they’ve beaten
their depression.

A Much More Accurate Indicator That Your Loved One Is On

Track To Overcoming Their Depression
As you can see in the diagram below, a far more accurate indicator that your loved one is on the
right track to freeing themselves from depression is, over a prolonged period of time, an increasing
proportion of time spent in the Cloud Zone, and a decreasing proportion of time spent in the Storm
Zone.

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This is a good indicator of recovery, since it means that on the whole, your loved one’s symptoms
are getting less and less severe over time.

What Having Overcome Depression Actually Looks Like

The reason why the Storm To Sun Framework is indeed called the Storm To Sun Framework and
not the Storm To Cloud Framework is because while the “Storm To Cloud” part is representative
of the different states of depression that a person can experience at any point in time, the “sun”
part depicts a person’s state when they’ve overcome the storm, the rain and the clouds, so to
speak, and can therefore be said to have beaten their depression. Assuming you don’t suffer from
depression yourself, then you know what not having depression feels like. In particular:

You can be said to be in the “Sun Zone” when you don’t struggle with depression. Of course, this
doesn’t mean that you are happy 100% of the time, and of course, it doesn’t mean that you can’t
have bad days where you feel overwhelmed, upset, frustrated, angry, stressed out or miserable, for
example. It just means that you don’t battle the mental illness of depression.

Thankfully, it is indeed possible for your loved one to “find the sun” and live a depression-free life.
And, in the next part of this chapter, we’re going to show you how, as their supporter, you can
play a role in helping them achieve this!

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How To Support Your Loved One When They’re In The Cloud
Zone
Just as was the case when your loved one was in the Storm or the Rain Zone, when your loved one
is in the Cloud Zone, your objective as a supporter – or the optimum way for you to support them
– is going to be unique. But, before we tell you what we believe it is, we’d like to switch gears for
a moment, and talk about what your loved one’s objective in each zone ought to be in order for
them to most effectively combat their depression.

Your Loved One’s Objective In The Storm Zone: “Survive The

Storm”
Like we talk about in detail in our book This Is How You Overcome Depression, when somebody’s
in the Storm Zone, their objective should be to “survive the storm” – i.e. to get quick, short-term
relief from depression’s severely intense symptoms. And, as a supporter, you can play a valuable
role in helping your loved one with depression achieve this objective of “surviving the storm” by
doing what we suggested in Chapter 3.

Your Loved One’s Objective In The Rain Zone: “Cope With The
Rain”
In the Rain Zone, your loved one’s symptoms are moderately severe, and they have more ability
to function than when they’re in the Storm Zone. For this reason, rather than just trying to
“survive” depression, like we also discuss in detail in our book This Is How You Overcome
Depression, the optimum way for your loved one to combat their depression is to try to “cope”
with it as best as possible – so that they can function and uphold their day-to-day responsibilities
without getting burnt out and having their symptoms intensify. And, as a supporter, you can play
a valuable role in helping them “cope with the rain” like so by doing what we suggested in Chapter
4.

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Your Loved One’s Objective In The Cloud Zone: “Heal From
Depression”
In the Cloud Zone, your loved one’s symptoms are mild and their ability to function is relatively
high. Consequently, rather than focusing on “surviving” or “coping” with depression, like we once
again explain in detail in This Is How You Overcome Depression, the most effective way they can
combat their depression at this point in time is to take steps to “heal” from it – so that, in time,
they can “reach the sun” so to speak and be free of depression. In practice, this is done by:

• When it comes to their thoughts, your loved one needs to learn how to stop / undo / rewire
any thinking patterns and belief systems that contribute to their depression. For example:

o If having deep-seated, negative core beliefs about themselves such as “I’m a loser”
or “I’m unlovable” are contributing to your loved one’s depression, then healing
from depression will involve them undoing these negative core beliefs, and instead
replacing them with positive core beliefs such as “I’m a good person” and “I am
lovable”.

o Similarly, if overthinking is a contributing factor to their depression, then healing

from depression will involve them learning how to stop overthinking – so that they
can instead start feeling much more calm, relaxed and at peace. In practice this
may involve, for example, forgiving themselves for any mistakes they’ve made in
the past that they’re continuously ruminating on, and/or getting closure from
unresolved situations that they can’t stop overthinking about (for example, like why
a previous relationship didn’t work out).

• When it comes to their emotions, your loved one needs to resolve / move through / heal
from any painful ones that contribute to their depression. For example:

o If feeling worthless is a contributing factor to their depression, then healing from

depression will involve them learning how to love themselves.

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 o If heartbreak over a relationship ending is a contributing factor to their depression,
then healing from depression will involve your loved one moving through the
painful, complex emotions they have surrounding the break-up, so that in time,
they can, for example:

▪ Come to be at peace with what happened and put it behind them;

▪ Be willing and able to be vulnerable to someone new in the future, and have
a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship with them.

• When it comes to their behaviours, your loved one needs to unlearn self-sabotaging /
protective (but sub-optimal) behavioural traits that contribute to their depression, and
replace them with healthy behavioural traits that contribute to them being depression-
free and happy. For example:

o If negatively comparing themselves to other people is a contributing factor of their

depression, then healing from depression will involve them ceasing this behaviour;
cultivating acceptance and compassion for who they are and where they’re at in
life; and focusing on being the best individual that they can be.

o If your loved one was mentally abused in the past, then a protective behaviour they
may have developed in response is to keep people at a distance / push them away
if they get too close – in order to try to prevent themselves from getting hurt.
However, if this leads to loneliness, lack of fulfilment and other issues that
contribute to their depression, then healing from depression will involve them
gradually becoming more comfortable trusting and opening up to others – so that
they can start to develop the deeper, more intimate connections they crave.

• When it comes to their environment, your loved one needs to resolve / heal from any
situations they’re in that contribute to their depression. For example:

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 o If an unfulfilling lifestyle that no longer serves your loved one is a contributing
factor to their depression, then healing from depression will involve them changing
their lifestyle to one that better meets their needs.

o Similarly, if having a job that’s causing your loved one a high degree of stress is a
contributing factor to their depression, then healing from depression will involve
them either taking steps to make their current job less stressful, or alternatively,
finding a new job that’s less stressful.

• Additionally, if there are any physical factors that are contributing to your loved one’s
depression (such as low thyroid levels, for example), then in order to heal from depression,
your loved one needs to resolve them, too.

Why The Cloud Zone Is The Optimum Time For Your Loved
One To Take Steps Towards Healing From Depression
There’s a very important reason why your loved one will most likely find the Cloud Zone to be the
easiest, most opportune time for them to take the steps they need to take in order to heal from
depression – and that’s because when they’re in the Rain or the Storm Zone with either
moderately or severely intense depressive symptoms, working on healing from depression is likely
to be beyond their capacity. For example:

● If your loved one is in the Storm Zone and is feeling so depressed that they’re overwhelmed
by the thought of getting out of bed, then it’s highly unlikely that they’ll be able to drag
themselves to their therapist’s office and have the emotional capacity to spend an hour
confronting their childhood trauma and learning brand-new strategies to heal from it.

● If your loved one is in the Rain Zone and feeling exhausted and drained after spending the
day working eight hours, then travelling one hour home, then cooking dinner, then helping
their kids with their homework, then finally getting them into bed – all while trying to cope
with moderately intense symptoms of depression – then it’s likely going to be challenging

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 for them to muster the emotional energy required to read a self-help book about
improving their self-esteem.

However, when your loved one is in the Cloud Zone and is therefore able to function at their best
and think at their clearest, then they are much, much more likely to be able to take the steps they
need to take in order to heal from depression.

What You Can Do To Help Your Loved One Heal From

Depression When They’re In The Cloud Zone
When your loved one is in the Storm or the Rain Zone, there are many direct things that you can
do to either help them “survive the storm” or to “cope with the rain”. However, in the Cloud Zone,
you’re inherently much more limited in how you can help your loved one “heal” from depression.
This is because:

1. You’re presumably not a therapist, so – and please don’t take offence – you don’t have the
professional skills and insight needed to be able to help your loved one heal from
depression – just like unless you’re a doctor, you wouldn’t have the professional skills and
insight you’d need to be able to cure your loved one’s diabetes, to fix their broken leg, or
to treat another physical illness or injury, for example.

2. Secondly, only your loved one can take the steps that they need to take in order to heal
from depression. As much as you may want to, you cannot take these steps for them.

For these reasons, rather than being able to help your loved one heal from their depression
directly, you can instead:

1. Reaffirm that it’s possible for them to overcome their depression, and that it doesn’t have
to be something they’re burdened by for the rest of their life.

2. Encourage them to set aside time to focus on their recovery, and to take the steps that
they need to take in order to heal from their depression. In practice, this could take the
form of, for example, encouraging them to go to therapy, and/or by encouraging them to

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 read self-help books that are written by therapists. Additionally, you could also help
empower and inspire them to take these steps by:

a. Acknowledging that they’ve done a good job to do what they’ve been doing while
battling depression, but by reaffirming that they deserve to live a life without it;

b. By helping them envision what their life would be like without their depression.

3. Like we talked about in the Rain Zone, you can encourage your loved one to engage in
healthy behaviours – such as exercising and eating healthily, for example.

4. Where applicable, you could talk through with them some of the problems they’re having
in their life that are contributing to their depression, and try to help them “problem-solve”
those issues in order to help them heal. While there will likely be many issues that you
won’t be able to do this for, and while it’s important that you don’t replace the role of a
therapist like we’ve said, as a friend / family member / partner, etcetera of someone with
depression, you may still be able to offer them some insight or advice that would be helpful
to them. For example:

a. If your friend with depression is in a relationship with someone who can be

mentally abusive, then you may be able to help them see the different ways that
their partner doesn’t treat them very well; re-affirm that they deserve to be treated
much better; and suggest that in your opinion, it would be good for their mental
health if they took one or more steps to resolve this issue (such as, for example,
them making a stand with their partner and no longer tolerating such behaviour,
seeing a therapist and learning how to be more assertive if this is something they
struggle with, undertaking couple’s therapy with their partner, and/or considering
whether they’d be better off leaving the relationship).

b. Similarly, if your loved one hates their job so much that it’s fuelling their depression,
then you may be able to help them brainstorm some different jobs / positions that
may be more suitable for them, and share your opinion on which of those options
would be best.
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 5. If your loved one with depression is finding it challenging to take the steps that they need
to take in order to heal from depression, then you could help them by:

a. Acknowledging that taking these steps can indeed be challenging;

b. Reaffirming that even though taking these steps can be difficult in the short-term,
that there will be immense benefits from taking these steps in the long-term;

c. Reminding them that they deserve to live a life that’s free of their depression, and
reminding them of what such a life would look like.

Key Points To Note When It Comes To Supporting Your Loved

One When They’re In The Cloud Zone

1. Don’t Try To Force Them To Talk

While we said above that a helpful way of supporting your loved one when they’re in the Cloud
Zone could be to help them problem solve some of the issues that they’re experiencing in their
life which are contributing to their depression, you can’t force them to talk – and nor do we
recommend that you try to do so. All we suggest you do is offer to talk, and at most, suggest that,
in your opinion, it would be in the best interests of their mental health if they – to stick with the
two examples we mentioned beforehand – made some changes with respect to their romantic
relationship and their work. However, if they don’t want to talk about these areas of their life with
you, then please don’t try to force them to – as doing so is only likely to frustrate and alienate
them.

2. As Much As You Might Want To, You Cannot Save Them

Like we said earlier on in this book and have reiterated in this chapter, you cannot heal your loved
one’s depression yourself – and it’s not your job to. As a supporter, an extremely helpful role you
can play in the Cloud Zone is to do the things we’ve talked about to help your loved one take the
steps they need to take in order to heal from their depression. But, taking these steps is their

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responsibility, not yours – which is why there’s only so much you can do to help your loved one
heal from their depression.

3. Make Sure You Enjoy Your Time With Your Loved One Too!

When your loved one is in the Cloud Zone, while it will ultimately be beneficial if you can help
them take the steps that they need to take in order to heal from their depression, it’s important
that you don’t focus on this exclusively. Instead, we recommend that you enjoy your time with
them as well – and let your loved one enjoy it too. After all, it’s not easy for them to be in the
Storm or the Rain Zone, so when they’re in the Cloud Zone, while it’s very important that they take
the steps they need to take in order to heal from their depression, it’s also important that they try
to enjoy their good days as well.

On that note, some of the ways that you may be able to enjoy your time with your loved one while
they’re in the Cloud Zone include, for example:

● Doing the things that you’ve customarily enjoyed doing together, but that you may not
have been able to do for a while due to your loved one being in either the Storm or the
Rain Zone and therefore not having the capacity.

● Doing something new that you’ve been wanting to try with them, but that you may not
have been able to try yet due to them being in the Storm or the Rain Zone.

● Simply talking about things that aren’t their depression – which is much more possible in
the Cloud Zone because your loved one is currently not being affected by their depression
anywhere near as much as they were when they were in the Rain or the Storm Zone.

How To Get Your Own Needs Met From Your Loved One When
They’re In The Cloud Zone
Like we’ve mentioned before, under regular circumstances, most healthy relationships tend to be
“two directional” in nature, in which both people in some way, shape or form get their own needs
met. And, like we’ve also mentioned before, when your loved one is in the Rain Zone – and

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particularly when they’re in the Storm Zone – due to the presence of their depressive symptoms,
your relationship is likely to be much more “one-directional”. For this reason, when your loved
one is in the Storm or the Rain Zone, there’s a good chance that you won’t get your own needs
met by them.

However, when they’re in the Cloud Zone with only mild depressive symptoms and a much, much
higher emotional capacity and ability to function, then your relationship with your loved one
should recalibrate to being much more “two-directional” in nature again. Put another way, when
they’re in the Cloud Zone, it’s reasonable for you to expect that your loved one should try to make
sure that your needs get met as well. In practice, this could take the form of, for example:

● Taking an active interest in your life, and giving you space to discuss some of the things
that are important to you (they may not have previously had the emotional capacity to do
this when they were in the Storm or the Rain Zone).

● Taking part in the activities that mean a lot to you – for example, like going on dates
together if it’s your partner (similarly, they may not have had the capacity to do this
previously when they were in the Storm or the Rain Zone).

● Giving you advice or support about something that you’re struggling with yourself (which
again, they may not have had the capacity to do previously).

● Listening to you tell them about something they’ve done to upset you and that how moving
forwards, you’d like them to be mindful of this and to do their best to avoid doing it again.
An example of this could be them having said something rude to you when they were angry
in the Storm Zone – which is something that due to how depressed and angry your loved
one was feeling at that moment, you preferred to put off mentioning.

● Listening to you tell them how important it is to you that they seek professional help and
take the steps that they need to take in order to heal from depression – since while you’re
happy to keep doing your part to support them, it comes with its difficulties, and so for
your sake as well as their own, it’s important that they also do their part to try their best
to get better as well. This is only relevant if your loved one has gone an extended period
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 of time without seeking professional help and/or taking the necessary steps to heal from
depression. If this is the case, then the Cloud Zone is the ideal time for you to air your
concern about how they’re handling their depression on the whole, since that’s when your
loved one will have their highest capacity to be able to listen and make some changes.

Well Done!
This chapter is now complete, and as a result, you now know how to support your loved one with
depression at any point in time – well done! Before we say goodbye, however, in the final section
of this book, we’re going to re-cap everything we’ve talked about, as well as give you some
suggestions on how you can continue learning about depression and the most effective ways of
supporting your loved one through it.

So, whenever you’re ready, please turn to the next page!

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 Conclusion: Sum-Up + Suggestions For Further
Learning

So, we’re almost at the end of this book, and before we do a couple of final things, we’d just like
to take a moment to stop and say a big congratulations once again. You deserve to be commended
for investing in trying to help your loved one with depression – not just by buying this book, but
even more importantly, for taking the time to read it. Sadly, not everyone does this, so the fact
that you’ve spent your free time learning how to support your loved one with depression really is
worthy of congratulations, and we’re sure they’re going to be very grateful for your efforts.

Before we give you some suggestions for additional things you can do to continue learning about
depression and how to best support your loved one through it, we think it’s now worth taking a
moment to quickly re-cap everything we’ve covered in this book.

A Very Quick Re-Cap Of This Book

Chapter 1: The Six Most Important Things That People With Depression Wish You
Would Know

1. Depression is a real illness;

2. Absolutely anyone can fall victim to depression – even people who seem to “have a good
life”;

3. Depression is not something you can easily “snap out of” – nor does it have a simple quick
fix;

4. People with depression are not attention seekers;

5. Just because someone with depression has a “good day”, it doesn’t mean that they don’t
have depression anymore;

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 6. People with depression are not weak – on the contrary, it takes a lot of strength for them
to go about their day while fighting a debilitating illness they often get little to no support
for.

Chapter 2: The Overarching Principles Of Supporting A Loved One With Depression

1. Please don’t judge, criticise or dismiss your loved one’s feelings by saying things like
“depression isn’t real”, “just get over it”, “I know how you feel”, “we all have bad days now
and then”, “you can’t be depressed because there are so many people who are worse off
than you”, “look how lucky you are”, “it’s all in your head”, “just think more positively”, or
“stop feeling sorry for yourself”.

2. Please always treat your loved one with respect, kindness and love – for example, by telling
them things like “I love you”, “I’m here for you”, “is there anything I can do to make you
feel better?”, “would you like to talk about what you’re going through?”, or “I don’t fully
understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to support you anyway”.

3. Instead of making assumptions about your loved one’s depression (that may well be
wrong), please ask them questions.

4. Please accept that you can’t “fix” your loved one’s depression.

5. Please try your best to be patient.

6. From time-to-time, reach out to see how your loved one is feeling.

7. Where possible, try to lead by example (in regards to living a healthy life).

8. Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well.

Chapter 3: How To Support Your Loved One When They’re In The Storm Zone

When your loved one is in the Storm Zone with severe depressive symptoms and a low ability to
function, the best thing you can do as their supporter is to try to help them “survive the storm” –

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or in other words, try to help them feel safe, comfortable and soothed so that they can get some
quick, short-term relief from their very intense symptoms.

Some effective ways for you to do this include:

1. Being there to listen to them;

2. Reassuring, encouraging and empowering your loved one;

3. “Distracting” your loved one from their depression;

4. Supporting them through helpful, non-verbal gestures;

5. Continuing to reach out to your loved one (even if they don’t respond) – so that they know
they are not alone.

Additionally, if your loved one tells you that they’ve had thoughts of suicide, then rather than
immediately pressuring them to call a crisis support service and/or getting emergency services
involved, please instead give them a safe, judgment-free space to talk openly and honestly with
you about what they’re feeling. Then, ask them questions to better understand them, and to
assess whether the risk of them actually attempting suicide is “mild”, “moderate” or “severe” –
before taking appropriate action based on that.

Chapter 4: How To Support Your Loved One When They’re In The Rain Zone

When your loved one is in the Rain Zone with moderate depressive symptoms and a moderate
ability to function, the best thing you can do as their supporter is to help them “cope with the
rain” – in order to make it easier for them to function as best as possible and uphold their day-to-
day responsibilities, without them getting burnt out, breaking down emotionally, or their
symptoms intensifying and having them slip back into the Storm Zone.

Some effective ways for you to do this include:

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 1. Being there to listen to your loved one, as well as reassuring them, encouraging them and
empowering them (albeit in a somewhat different way to when they were in the Storm
Zone).

2. Talking to your loved one about the Storm Zone – to better understand what’s likely to
trigger a fall back into it, how you can help them address that trigger to try to prevent that
fall, and how you can better support your loved one in the Storm Zone if they do end up
back there.

3. Gently challenging – and trying to help them overcome – their negative thoughts.

4. Performing “acts of service” that make life easier for your loved one.

Chapter 5: How To Support Your Loved One When They’re In The Cloud Zone

When your loved one is in the Cloud Zone with mild depressive symptoms and therefore a
relatively high ability to function, the best thing you can do as a supporter is to do what you can
to help them heal from their depression. While you cannot “fix” their depression yourself, you can
still assist them to heal by:

1. Reaffirming that it’s possible for them to overcome their depression;

2. Encouraging them to set aside time to focus on their recovery, and to take the steps that
they need to take in order to heal from their depression;

3. Where applicable, you could also talk through with them some of the problems they’re
having in their life that are contributing to their depression, and try to help them “problem-
solve” those issues in order to help them heal.

When your loved one is in the Cloud Zone, it’s also important that you enjoy your time with them
as well – since when they were in the Storm or the Rain Zones, they likely weren’t in the right
mindset for you both to enjoy your time together. Additionally, the Cloud Zone is also a good time
for you to have the conversations with your loved one that due to their symptoms being too
intense previously, you may not have been able to have.

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Suggestions For Further Learning
We really hope that you’ve found this book extremely enlightening, and that as a result of reading
it, you now feel much better equipped to support your loved one who’s struggling with depression.
In saying that, though, we recommend that you keep on learning about depression and how to
help your loved one through it – so that you can continue to empower yourself to be the best
supporter that you can be. To help you do this, we think you’ll find it beneficial to:

● Follow The Depression Project on Instagram (@realdepressionproject) – since almost

every day, we post content to help non-sufferers understand the illness better, as well as
offer advice on how you can best support your loved one through it.

● Additionally, we encourage you to browse our website at [Link]

– since it includes a wide variety of resources to help you learn more about depression as
well.

● Lastly, if you’d like to, you’re most welcome to join The Depression Project’s Private
Facebook Support Group at [Link] –
where among other things, you can ask any questions you may have about supporting your
loved one with depression. The password to do so is “support a loved one”, and your
membership will be approved shortly after you request to join :)

Once again, we really want to commend you for taking the time to read this book, and for being
so committed to helping your loved one through their depression. They are very, very lucky to
have you, and if everybody in the world was as supportive as you, then this world would be a much
friendlier, more comfortable, and safer place for people fighting this debilitating illness.

All our love,

The Depression Project Team.

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