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Choices and Consequences in Love

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0% found this document useful (0 votes)
40 views6 pages

Choices and Consequences in Love

Uploaded by

seiza kh
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd

Chapter 36: Choices

"My past is exactly what everyone at the Shrine believes it to be."

He carefully ran his brush along the rim of my eyelids.


I kept my eyes closed as he drew a beautiful design from the corner of my eyes to my
cheeks, using the indigo jagua ink1 with gold dust mixed in.

"I don't remember the face of my mother who sold me when I was five. But I do
remember the person I had my first time with. Because of this needlessly good-looking
face and pale body, men always got on top of me, spread my legs wide open, and thrust
their dirty penis inside. That was why I was allowed to live."

Malacia placed the slender brush down. Prompted, I slowly opened my eyes.
A transparent butterfly, flapping its wings out of my jade eyes, gracefully flew in the
mirror.

"But Lord Anderheim, there is one thing that everyone is still mistaken about."

This time, it was I who grabbed the brush and drew the motif of a sacred lotus in
between his eyebrows, as Malacia gently closed his scarlet eyes. It was a pure flower
that bloomed amidst the mud. The sacred lotus represented 'Purity', 'Sanctity', 'Calm',
and finally, 'Chastity'.

"I don't particularly 'hate' the deed itself. I don't have a body that can sleep with women,
and I am feeble. Although I may be such, I am nevertheless a man, and won't get
pregnant. The men who felt excitement sleeping with me, being like this, were indeed
pitifully comical. I'm very good at faking orgasms."
"I see."
"Everyone said that my early life was pitiful. I was fucked by men, without ever having
my first ejaculation. Just as I got used to my reality, next, it was my body being
tampered with, as I became a plaything for the nobles. Where was my happiness, my
peace? Don't you think it was none of their business?"
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He expected me to chime in agreement, but I could do nothing but shrug.

"Will you not be telling this to Lutora? He might cry."


"I won't. I am reflecting on my sleeping around already being bad enough as it is."
"Oh? You don't want to be eaten by him in the end?"

Despite appearances, Lutora was a person with considerable influence amongst the
Knights. In addition, he was born in a distinguished family, and his father was the
present Knight Commander. If the one he showed favour to were, say, the daughter of a
nobleman, she would happily offer her body and have sexual relations with him.

"I wonder what to do. I don't like my lover being a child after all. Looking at the Knight
Commander and Sigurd, you can see that the Oswein family has some strong
attachment. Being restrained doesn't suit my personality."
"Sigh… You have to give that show of courage no matter what, don’t you?"

He expressed, not realising that in itself was "Special Treatment". I laughed in my heart
at his ignorance. Done painting the lotus, I placed the brush down on the table.
I twirled his white hair with my fingers. Bringing my face close to Malacia, who thinly
opened his eyes, I lightly sucked on his lips.

"!"

He had a look of surprise on realising that I had come closer. I felt pleased. Meeting his
lips with mine a second time, I pushed my tongue inside through the slightly parted lips
that seemed to usher me in. Malacia's saliva that I tasted for the first time tasted wildly
different from Jolga's. As I finally released Malacia's head after devouring his soft lips
and warm mouth for a long time, he eyed me with a look of suspicion.

"Is that you showing me affection or something? "


"Don't kid around… that's nothing but a quick parting gift. Depending on what that
(Jolga) chooses, I might not return."
"Lord Anderheim."
"Even if I were killed by Jolga, it shouldn't affect you or Julieta. Once the heat dies
down, you can escape to another country. I would recommend our neighbour to the
south. As for Julieta, Sigurd will protect her.”

Taking off the clothes I wore, I took in hand another set of clothes prepared beforehand.
On top of a sleeveless upper garment, I wore a silk shawl large enough to cover my
whole body. I wore harem pants that had a slit near my butthole and a hip scarf with a
fringe. The instep that I wore the Panja anklet on was still red, freshly scarred with the
traces of the Oswein family's branding iron. As expected, this was the result of the skills
I had learned in my past life. I had created scar makeup in my past life using wood glue
and paint. As I did not have them now, I substituted them with starch and animal glue. It
turned out much better than expected. It was something you couldn't discern as being
fake at a glance.
I had prepared it by myself, but still... when I thought about how I would die in this
skimpy raqs sharki, a belly dancing dress, I despised it a little.
Today was the day [The Light of the Spirits] would be held.
Sigurd and Julieta were already hiding in the Oswein Mansion close to the Royal
Palace, waiting for the moment the Crown Prince and Nasha went to watch the circus.
I had already reserved a seat in the gallery for the night's performance in the main tent
stage. I had planned for Jolga and me to be hidden by a thin curtain and observe the
Crown Prince and Nasha from there. Well, my real aim was what would happen after
the main performance, but I might as well enjoy it from the beginning.
Before I left for the circus tents, I borrowed Malacia's hand, dressing up like a favoured
concubine preferred by nobility, waiting upon them. Just for tonight, I could not let the
others find out that the one escorted by Jolga is the former Prime Minister, Anderheim
Yucht Asbal. Listening to Malacia, there seemed to be many nobles who liked to dress
in this manner, regardless of gender. No matter what the time or place, men's tastes do
not change much, do they? I confirmed by looking at the mirror. Seeing how I looked
now, I didn't think anyone could figure out that I was Anderheim. It was a good disguise,
if I say so myself.
Wearing a dark justaucorps and a long gilet2, Jolga, who visited the mansion, seemed
like the very figure of a nobleman on his day off. But I modified his hair and dress a little.
I deliberately ruffled up his neat hair, making the black hair tinged with red fall his
forehead and ears, making it seem messy on purpose. The blouse had a few frills, but

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was lustrous, the cloth closely following the contours of his muscles. I changed the gilet
into something comparatively shorter, one that barely reached the waist.
With just that, Jolga's outward appearance as he wore a sword on his waist, seemed to
be tinged with a never seen before air of roughness. He was celebrated as a dashing
man to begin with. But he now seemed like someone wealthy and leisurely madames
would cling to.
I wrapped the shawl around my head.
With a sacred lotus drawn on his forehead, Malacia seemed unchanged from his usual
demeanour of a priest. He quietly muttered.

"I still do not understand. Why would someone of your calibre come so far, only to
entrust your fate to the likes of the Knight Commander?"

What Malacia wanted to say was that I could easily manipulate the Knight Commander
to my whims if I wished to, yet I did not.
Malacia had followed me quite closely these past four months.
He acted like my hands and feet, discerning what I wanted before I even said it out loud,
and then taking actions to fulfil my wishes. He had been of considerable help.
Even that Malacia found it difficult to understand my actions. But what I wanted from
Jolga was neither subordination nor compulsion.
I simply curled up the corners of my lips, laughing at the question he threw at me.

"Malacia, remember. Choices, you see, are a curse."

I fear this will be the last trap I set.


If I win this gamble, I could then move the pawns at will, automatically cornering my
opponents.
In the rare chance that I failed, they would still be unable to stop the tides that had
already been set into motion.
The world was a stage, and this simply meant I would be leaving it.
"I received a curse from the choice Jolga made. I fear I cannot be freed from it for a
lifetime. Yet, I need Jolga's help in fulfilling my purpose. For that sake, I will let him use
my body as much as he wishes."
"It sure is difficult."
"Is that so? I think it is quite simple. Perhaps that puppy will teach you the answer."
"No way… that's definitely not going to happen."

This time, it was Malacia's chance to shrug.


Eventually, Thomas knocked on the door of the room where Malacia and I were
changing our clothes.
It seemed like the carriage had come for us.

"Malacia, you're going to visit the circus with the children first, am I right? "
"Yeah, I received an invitation from the leader of the troupe. I'm sure it is the suggestion
of that fellow who's escorting me to the circus."
"He's greedy for you as always. He has quite the tenacity."
"He paid for it, so I don't mind. I'd only hate it if I were taken out of the country."
"Well, it should be nice to meet the [Shrine-Raised] after a long time. I'll see you later
then."

I said my goodbyes to Malacia and went to Jolga, who had already gotten ready and
was waiting in the reception room.
On seeing me, Jolga's jaw seemed to have dropped as he sat on the sofa. As I
snuggled up to him, he quickly regained his bearings and came closer, intending to tear
off my shawl. Realising his intentions, I pinched the tip of his nose hard.

"...Hurts."
"Are you an idiot? Don't forget the goal, our goal. Just for whose sake did I dress up like
this, you think?"
"...To entertain me"
"Screw you, bastard."
I slapped away the hand that came close. Jolga seemed especially pleased by the fake
brand stuck on my instep. As he caressed it, he made an expression of great delight.
Caving into his demands, I was carried in Jolga's arms into the carriage in the end.
As the carriage came close to the main tent of the circus, a knight riding a horse caught
up to the carriage and reported through the window— "The Crown Prince and Lady
Nasha have left the castle."

At last.

"...Jolga."
"Ahh."

Nodding at my words, Jolga squeezed my hand as if to placate me.


As I gripped his hand tightly in return, I looked up at the gigantic circus tent, covered in
red and white stripes.
Well then, let us raise the curtains.
The act that decides Jolga’s and my fate begins now.

Common questions

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The narrative delves into personal autonomy by juxtaposing it against societal expectations and pressures. Characters operate in a world where their choices are heavily dictated by societal norms and power dynamics, which the protagonist subverts through strategic manipulations and disguises. The protagonist's ability to maneuver within these constraints, such as staging a concealed observation at the circus and forming calculated alliances, highlights the nuanced dance between agency and constraint. While demonstrating autonomy by bending rules and redirecting societal perceptions, the protagonist remains tethered to those societal demands, illustrating the complex, often paradoxical relationship between the individual will and external pressures .

Body commodification is depicted as a defining aspect of the protagonist's life, where their body is both a tool for survival and a medium of power. Having been sold and objectified from a young age, the protagonist's experiences illuminate the transactional nature of their existence, where their body's value is determined by others' desires. This commodification results in a paradoxical empowerment—by mastering the manipulation of perceptions and leveraging their body strategically, the protagonist gains some autonomy within constrained circumstances. However, the implications are dual-edged, highlighting themes of loss of self-worth and identity amid societal objectification .

The protagonist views their past as one defined by others' perceptions and self-commodification. Initially sold by their mother, and later becoming a plaything for nobles, the protagonist's past is marked by objectification. This history influences their present interactions, guiding them to see intimate interactions as transactional rather than emotional. Despite societal pity for their early life, the protagonist implies indifference to the actions themselves but criticizes the societal intrusion into their happiness. This evaluation of their past shapes their interactions with others, such as using fake orgasms to manipulate perceptions and curiously engaging with lovers like Lutora while resisting attachment, indicating a calculative yet detached approach .

The sacred lotus motif in the narrative symbolizes 'Purity', 'Sanctity', 'Calm', and 'Chastity'. It represents an aspiration for purity and sanctity amidst the murky circumstances of the protagonist's life. As the protagonist draws the motif of the sacred lotus onto Malacia's forehead, it could be interpreted as a gesture of instilling or acknowledging these desired qualities. The symbolic act contrasts with the muddy past of being objectified and commodified, laying out a metaphorical path for redemption or self-realization .

The protagonist utilizes strategic alliances with characters like Jolga and Malacia to stage a complex plan during the circus. By disguising themselves and leveraging their intimate and professional connections, they position themselves to clandestinely observe and indirectly influence the actions of the Crown Prince and others. These alliances are carefully managed to ensure that Loyalties are leveraged and that their objectives are met without overt confrontation. The narrative implies that such alliances are less about genuine relationships and more about mutual benefit, with the protagonist's ability to influence outcomes underscoring the sophisticated use of social strategy .

Motifs and symbols such as the jagua ink and gold dust, the sacred lotus, and disguises enrich the main characters' identities and conflicts by providing deeper insights into their personal struggles and aspirations. For instance, the sacred lotus symbol drawn on Malacia signifies purity and rebirth amidst the narrative's chaotic circumstances, suggesting an undercurrent of redemption or self-acceptance desired by the characters. These visual and symbolic elements highlight the contrast between external appearances and internal realities, emphasizing the tension between societal roles or expectations and personal identity. They illuminate the characters' adaptive strategies to navigate their environments, thus adding layers of complexity to their identities and interpersonal conflicts .

Power dynamics underpin the personal relationships in the narrative, particularly in how individuals navigate social hierarchies and personal desires. The protagonist's interactions reveal a complex interplay where personal relationships are also strategic games. The use of identity, past experiences, and body further accentuates these dynamics. The nuanced portrayal of the protagonist's maneuvering through these power-laden relationships demonstrates their manipulation of `choices` and alliances carefully to achieve desired outcomes, sometimes at the cost of personal authenticity . For instance, the protagonist's willingness to let Jolga use them as needed to achieve a purpose exemplifies a transactional view of intimacy, where personal autonomy is traded for strategic advantage.

Disguise plays a critical role in the narrative, serving as both a literal and metaphorical tool for protection, manipulation, and strategy. The protagonist assumes a disguise to obscure their identity as the former Prime Minister Anderheim Yucht Asbal, allowing them to operate unnoticed among nobility. This facade enables them to pursue objectives, potentially viewed as traitorous or rebellious. Disguises extend beyond physical transformations; they reflect social and emotional sleights of hand used by characters to navigate complex power dynamics. The protagonist's adept use of disguise not only advances their personal goals but also acts as an additional layer of commentary on the adaptability and vulnerability underlying human identity .

The protagonist's perception of 'choices' as a curse profoundly influences their actions and decisions. This view is illustrated by their strategic manipulation of circumstances and relationships to control outcomes. They express that choices impose a burden, as exemplified by the continuous navigation of power imbalances and strategic decisions that determine their survival and autonomy. The narrative illustrates how these 'cursed' choices lead to predetermined paths, effectively limiting freedom while offering a veneer of control. This belief shapes the protagonist's acceptance of utilizing Jolga and others as tools or pawns to fulfill larger objectives, showcasing how perceived autonomy is often an illusion, bound by the curses of necessity and consequence .

The story conveys the complexities and contradictions of human desires by illustrating characters driven by conflicting motivations of survival, power, affection, and freedom. The protagonist's past of exploitation juxtaposes a desire for autonomy and understanding, while simultaneously engaging in transactional relationships for strategic gains. The longing for authentic connection and the pursuit of personal goals reflects a paradox where desires for freedom and security often contradict. This complexity is underscored by characters' behaviors, where pursuit of personal gratification is interwoven with strategic self-preservation, resulting in a narrative rich with internal conflict and emotional depth .

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