These are some of Liz’s thoughts as she talks with her friend Heather.

“Heather always seems so

confident.”

“She doesn’t seem to worry about

what other people think of her.”

“I wonder if I seem that sure of

myself.”

How confident do you feel? How can

you build your self-confidence?

In this chapter, you will read about…

 Using intrapersonal communication to develop a clearer self-concept
 How greater self-confidence can improve self-esteem
 How snap judgments and stereotyping can prevent people from getting
to know each other
 The basic needs that all people have
 The importance of being supportive of others
 The importance of feedback

If you were asked to draw a picture of yourself, what would you do? Would
you draw only your face? If so, would you be smiling or frowning? If you drew a
full-length picture, would you change anything about yourself? Would you be
taller or thinner?
Drawing yourself as you see yourself is easier than drawing yourself as
others see you. You see yourself at your best and worst. Your friends usually
only see you when you are at your best. After seeing your self-portrait, would
your friends say, “That looks just like you”? If so, you would have succeeded at
capturing the outward features that others see.

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 Unfortunately, very few people can draw realistic pictures of
themselves. Instead, most people would describe themselves with words. Even
then, they still have many decisions to make. Should they describe only their best
features? Should they also describe their personalities? What words would best
describe them?

FINDING THE “YOU” IN YOURSELF

In the first chapter you learned that
intrapersonal communication is
communication with, or within, yourself.
You learned that it could include thinking,
writing, or talking to yourself. Chances are
you spend very little time actually talking
aloud to yourself. However, like most
people, you probably spend a great deal of
time thinking about your relationships with
others. Do you feel confident today? Will
you get along with everyone at school today? What will your friends think about
the actions you take today? What you see and think about yourself come
together to form your self-concept.

Becoming Aware of Your Self-Concept

How well do you actually know yourself? Imagine that you are trying to
describe yourself to someone who has never seen you. What would you say?
You might answer the following questions about yourself…

What others can see:

1.) How tall are you?
2.) What is the color and length of your hair?
3.) What color are your eyes?
4.) How do you dress?

What others cannot see:

1.) What is your full name?
2.) Where were you born?
3.) How old are you now?
4.) How many relatives do you have?

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 If you were to answer these questions to
yourself, you would make things clearer to
yourself through intrapersonal communication.
These questions were easy to answer, but
they still accomplish the goal. The goal of
intrapersonal communication is to take a
closer look at yourself.
Once you have a greater self-
awareness, intrapersonal communication can
help you even more. It can help you decide what you believe and don’t believe. It
can help you decide what you value and want and what you want to avoid. It can
help you set goals for yourself and decide how to best reach those goals.
Intrapersonal communication can be a wonderful thing.

Being Aware of Your Perceptions

Perception is the process of taking in information from your surroundings
through the five senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell). Most people
experience the world through all of these senses, so their basic perceptions are
about the same.
Your total perceptions and self-concept come from a combination of three
general sources:

1.) Physical Senses Your world would be very

different if you could not see or hear, for
example.
2.) Responses and Reactions of Other People
Family, friends, and acquaintances influence
your view of the world and of yourself. Friendly
reactions improve your self-concept.
3.) Total Experience Each new experience
expands your understanding of the world. If
you live in an isolated area, you will not have
the same perceptions as someone with a more
broad range of experiences.

During the process of intrapersonal communication, you are developing

greater self-awareness. You decide the things you believe and don’t believe,
value and don’t value, want and don’t want. This is the true value behind it.

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Building Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem
One of the main goals of intrapersonal
communication is to help you build self-
confidence. Self-confidence is the belief that
you have the ability to do things and to do them
right. The first step toward having self-confidence
is to figure out what you already can do. Then,
you try new things. Each new success allows you
to say to yourself, “Since I can do this, maybe I
can do that also.” You will not always succeed,
but it is the process of trying that makes you
more confident. Understanding this important fact
is part of becoming an adult.
As your self-confidence grows, so will your
self-esteem. Your self-esteem is the value that
you place on yourself (or what you think you are worth). Improving self-esteem is
not always easy. However, just as it is with self-confidence, the more times you
try something new, the more it will increase. This leads to people feeling better
and having more courage to try something else new.
When you like yourself and value yourself, you will find it much easier to
communicate with others. You will also be able to accept others without being too
critical. As a result, you will be able to build stronger, happier relationships with
people.

SELF-CONCEPT AND PUBLIC SPEAKING

So what does your self-concept have to do with making a speech in front of
the class? Most things that you say and the way in which you say them are a
direct result of your thoughts. Taking a speech course and learning to speak well
can help you in two ways.

1.) Expressing Yourself

If you are a shy person, you probably feel awkward or uneasy in social
situations. You may not know how to introduce yourself, what to talk about, or
how to show that you are interested in what others have to say.

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 Also, you may think that others are not interested in what you have to say.
You might feel like you often express yourself in a way that causes others to
misunderstand you. Many people feel like this from time to time.
Your self-concept affects the way you express your thoughts. Learning to
speak well in front of others will help you develop effective tools for improving the
way in which you express yourself – and improving the way you respond to
others people can help you improve your self-concept.

2.) Overcoming Stage Fright

Stage fright is the fear of speaking in
front of others; it affects you emotionally and
physically. The symptoms of stage fright –
quickened pulse, sweaty palms, a dry mouth –
are not limited only to actors who appear on
stage.
Have you ever gone to a party or
gathering where most of the people were
strangers to you? Or have you ever been asked
to call someone you didn’t know? Situations
such as these can produce the symptoms of
stage fright. Learning how to give speeches can
help you overcome stage fright and, perhaps
more importantly, learn to use emotional
excitement to your advantage.

FORMING RELATIONSHIPS
Friendships are a wonderful source of learning, entertainment, affection,
and support. The people who are our friends help make the good times better,
and they help us get through the difficult times in our lives. But friendships don’t
simply happen. People must work at a relationship to help it develop.

Meeting New Friends

Read the following case study of two people meeting each other for the first
time:

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 Cindy is at the airport. She is waiting for Carla, an exchange student from
Peru. She looks again at a picture of Carla; Cindy wants to be sure that she will
recognize her. Carla’s large brown eyes and long black hair should be easy
enough to spot. To pass the time, Cindy reads the description that the foreign
exchange student program sent her.

Height: 5’3”
Weight: 112 lbs.
Age: 14
Hobbies: Horseback Riding,
Swimming, and Reading
Home: Lima, Peru
Goal: To Become a Doctor

That is all Cindy knows about Carla. Still,

she feels sure that they will like each other.
They both like swimming, and Cindy has
always wanted to ride a horse. They will both
be in the same science class, and they both
want to become doctors when they grow up.
Of course, Cindy has some worries, as well. Will Carla like the United
States? Will she get along with Cindy’s brothers? Will Carla be afraid of the
family’s large dog? Will Cindy and Carla be able to speak together easily in
English?

Cindy feels the same way most people feel when they meet someone for
the first time. They guess what that person will be like based on what they can
know quickly about that person. In Cindy’s case, she was quite sure that she
would like Carla. However, Cindy also had some fears about the meeting. Cindy
had some mixed feelings.
Most interpersonal communication begins with some amount of shyness.
This is especially true if people are meeting for the first time. Most people tend to
accept others little by little. They allow for some doubt so that they can “escape”
if things don’t work out well.
Your attitude toward meeting people could affect new relationships. For
example, you can take a positive attitude. You can look at meeting people as a
good learning experience. Each new person you meet can teach you something
about all new people in general. You might even view it as an opportunity to learn
something new about yourself.

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 On the other hand, you might not gain
anything if you have a negative attitude (“I won’t
be accepted. It will be a dull evening”). If you think
you won’t have a good time, then you probably
won’t. There are other more serious attitude
problems that can ruin a first meeting, as well.
These are called making snap judgments and
stereotyping.

Making Snap Judgments Too often

people make snap judgments about others; this
means making a decision to be friendly or
unfriendly based on very little information. Snap
judgments may result from:

● Verbal messages: “He gave such a dull speech that he must be a

very boring person.”
● Vocal messages: “She laughs all the time. She must just be a silly
person.”
● Nonverbal messages: “He always dresses well, so he must be a
really terrific person”

Stereotyping Stereotypes are false generalizations or conclusions that

are made from a few, quick facts. For example, people sometimes give certain
traits to certain groups of people (“All sixth graders are childish.” “All parents are
mean.”) Of course, most stereotypes are negative statements. If you stereotype
someone, you’ll never have a chance to look for anything good in that person.
Stereotypes may result from:

● Verbal messages: “Since he uses big words, he must be so smart

that he isn’t any fun.”
● Vocal messages: “Since she sighs so much, she must be a boring
person.”
● Nonverbal messages: “Because they are red-headed, they must
have really bad tempers.”

Too often first impressions are lasting ones. If they are negative, they can
prevent any future communication. Because of this, people should avoid making
snap judgments and stereotyping. Never form opinions of people after only one
meeting. Also, do not begin by looking for negative traits in people; look for their

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positive qualities. Search for ideas or experiences you have in common. Look for
interests you both enjoy. In other words, give new relationships some time to
grow.

BUILDING LASTING RELATIONSHIPS

Making friends is just the first step in
a long-term relationship. Once you have a
good friend, you have to work at keeping
the friendship. Why do some friendships
last a lifetime and others last only a few
months? Interpersonal communication – or
the lack of it – is often a major factor.
When people talk to each other,
relationships last. A breakdown of
communication, however, usually signals
the end of a relationship. So how do you
keep a relationship strong?

Recognize Needs
Everyone has certain needs. What are your needs? Do you know what
your friends’ needs are? Basically, all people share the same needs.

● The need to satisfy physical necessities

● The need to remain healthy and active
● The need to feel safe and secure
● The need to set and reach personal goals
● The need to communicate
● The need to have hope and trust in the future
● The need to experience beauty

Good relationships can satisfy many of these needs. In fact, many people
believe they gain something from continuing certain relationships. When they
believe this, they usually make an effort to make those relationships last.
Although all people have the same basic needs, the amounts may vary.
Your needs may be greater in one area, and your friends’ needs may be greater
in another area. By recognizing these different needs, you will be better able to
handle yourself and others.

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Be Supportive
Interpersonal communication will
improve if you learn to be supportive of
others. This means learning to give sincere
compliments when they are deserved. It also
means that criticism of others should be
positive, not negative. Avoid comments that
will hurt others or damage their self-concepts.

Be Sensitive
From time to time, everyone must deal with stressful events. A good friend
is always sensitive about how these events affect others. Examples of these
events follow:

● Suffering physical illness or injury

● Suffering personal loss, such as the death of a loved one or a loss
of friendship
● Failing to reach a personal goal, such as winning a contest or
passing a test
● Failing to meet others’ expectations, such as letting a friend down

During stressful times, people usually need extra help and understanding.
That is why being sensitive to another person during a stressful time is important.
It is especially important if you want your relationship to last.

Give Feedback
“I know my friends like what I’m
doing. I only wish they would say it
sometimes.” Have you ever said that?
Have you ever heard someone else
say that? You know how important it
is to be praised for a good job.
Everyone likes to hear positive
feedback. Even if you know you did a
good job, you feel better if someone

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else notices and tells you. Remember this with your friends and family. Just like
you, they also like to hear praise.
Many people think that everyone knows how to give praise and offer
sympathy. This is not true. Some people just do not have the knack of giving – or
receiving – a compliment graciously. Some people purposefully avoid someone
who is experiencing a personal sorrow because they do not know how to express
concern. The following statements are examples of things you might say to
indicate praise or sympathy.

To compliment or show personal recognition:

● “Congratulations on winning the game; that

was terrific!”
● “You always seem to know exactly what to
do.”
● “Thanks so much for your help; I really
appreciate it.”

To show understanding or personal concern:

● “I was sorry to hear about your loss.”

● “We’re all thinking of you. We hope you feel
better soon.”
● “If there is something I can do to help, please
let me know.”

Develop Mutual Respect

Successful interpersonal communication also requires that the people
involved develop what is called mutual respect, which is an understanding and
acceptance of each other’s views. This may mean respecting someone’s beliefs,
accomplishments, knowledge, skills, or appearance. One way to establish mutual
respect is to avoid interpreting other people’s actions in terms of what you would
have done in the same situation. Judging people on what you would have done is
unfair to them and to you.

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IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS
Most habits are unconscious. We do
certain things without even thinking about
them. These unconscious habits can hurt
our communication with friends. Becoming
aware of our actions can improve our
relationships. The following are some
common habits to avoid.

Taking Over Conversations

Three people are sitting at a table in
the cafeteria. One person is doing all of the
talking. This person may be talking so
loudly or incessantly that no one else feels free to speak. The other people look
bored. Has this ever happened to you? Make sure that the conversation includes
everyone. You can bring other people into the conversation in two ways. You can
ask questions or you can ask for opinions. Including others in a conversation is
being sensitive to them and their needs.

Glancing Away You’re talking

to someone. Suddenly that person isn’t
looking at you. He or she is looking over
your shoulder at someone or something
else. What should you do? Obviously, that
person isn’t listening to you anymore. When
you are talking to people, make eye contact.
This will show them that you are interested
in them and what they are saying.

Constantly Interrupting Some people constantly interrupt others.

Interruptions are usually made for one of two reasons. One reason could be that
the other person might want to disagree with what is being said. Another reason
could be that the other person is impatient, wanting to finish the speaker’s
sentence faster. Neither reason is acceptable. If you start to interrupt someone,
stop and say, “I’m sorry. Go on with what you were saying.” Then, wait for that
person to finish.

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 Using Excessive Small Talk Small talk is useful for getting
conversations started, particularly among strangers. It offers an opening for
interpersonal communication. However, small talk alone does not advance a
relationship. Try to find out the other person’s interests and talk about those
things. You should also realize that you don’t have to fill every moment of silence
with words. Silence doesn’t necessarily signal the end of communication.

Speaking Too Loudly

Be considerate of people in and
around your conversation. Loud talking or
laughter, particularly in public places,
clearly says, “Look at me!” Controlling the
volume and pitch of your voice is not only
courteous to bystanders, but it assures
that the people you are talking with are not
embarrassed by unwanted attention.

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