Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts

A Sanders Sides Episode

THOMAS
(Yawning)
What is up everybody! How are you all doing? Comment below because the human connection
will make me feel like a person again! What? Sorry. That one was supposed to stay up here.
(Gesturing to his head)
Help me. Ope. There I go again. I’m just really, really tires. Tired. I can’t talk. Because of the
tires. I just...couldn’t get to sleep last night. I think with that new addition, that brings the grand
total to, uh, everything. Everything is going wrong in my life. Even my thoughts are starting to go
wrong.

(VIRGIL pops up)

PATTON
(Rising up)
Ohh c’moon... noooo...

THOMAS
Sorry, let’s talk about something else.

VIRGIL
Yeah, let’s.

ROMAN
(Rising up)
Uh-oh! Here comes the noblest Roman of them all! What’s up plebs?

PATTON
(Looks at Roman)
Hi, Roman! We were just talking about something else!

VIRGIL
(VIRGIL shoots PATTON a look. THOMAS reacts)

ROMAN
Wha--?

PATTON
Oh what? Nothing else! There’s nothing else! We were just talking about something! And never
anything else.

(VIRGIL looks at PATTON again. THOMAS shifts his gaze between PATTON and VIRGIL)

ROMAN
Are you all seriously not going to let me in on what’s going on here?
(THOMAS reacts. VIRGIL fidgets. PATTON whistles)
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Tell me now, or else we’re done.

THOMAS
Look, you don’t want to know.

VIRGIL
Unless you want to be deeply troubled.

ROMAN
I do! Mystery loves company.

VIRGIL
It’s misery loves company.

ROMAN
Not for me it’s not! I’m not feeling any love (or misery), because it’s a mystery for me alone; I
have yet to receive my invite to the pity party.
(Beat)
Thomas? C’mon. You can’t have a bawl without a prince.

THOMAS
Just leave it alone, Roman.

VIRGIL
Seriously.

ROMAN
(Shocked and a little offended)
I can’t believe you’re making me do this…
(ROMAN gestures towards LOGAN’S spot. LOGAN rises up)
Logan, why is everyone so Moody B. Moans?

LOGAN
Oh goodness. Are they still disconcerted?

VIRGIL
That’s putting it a little lightly, Logan…

LOGAN
Or your reaction is a little too extreme.

PATTON
Well, that’s easy for you to say.
 LOGAN
Why wouldn’t it have been easy to say? It was an eight word sentence. That’s not exactly
laborious.

VIRGIL
What he means is that you’re not a great judge of what is and isn’t an overreaction. Your most
extreme reaction is an eyebrow raise.

LOGAN
FALSEHOOD!

VIRGIL
I stand corrected.

ROMAN
Logan, put on your blinders, or in your case, take off your glasses hehehe.

LOGAN
What are you talking about?

ROMAN
But seriously, ignore them for the time being, and explain to me what is going on here.

LOGAN
Well, last night Thomas struggled to fall asleep due to persistent, troubling thoughts about--

VIRGIL
(Simultaneously)
Shut up before I shut you up.

THOMAS
(Simultaneously)
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

PATTON
(Simultaneously; to the melody of “Don’t Dream It's Over”)
Hey now! Hey now! Stop what you are saying.

ROMAN
Whoa! You guys are acting fishier than the Kraken’s crack.

VIRGIL
So I’m acting fishy, so sushi-- I mean, sue me.
 ROMAN
Just tell me! Blurt it out if it’ll be easier! Like ripping the sword from the stone.

THOMAS
That was canonically not easy…
(THOMAS looks to LOGAN).

LOGAN
Yeah, only one person was able to remove the sword.

PATTON
May the odds be never in our favor.

LOGAN
But this isn’t the sword in the anvil.

VIRGIL
You mean the sword in the stone?

LOGAN
Why don’t you read the book and see if you still need to correct me?

ROMAN
I guess Disney was more faithful than we all thought.

LOGAN
What I mean, is that talking about this shouldn’t be as impossible as liberating the sword from its
ferric prison. I don’t understand why we must prohibit any and all discussion about the intru--

VIRGIL
(Simultaneously)
We’re gonna be discussing your funeral arrangements if you keep this up!

THOMAS
(Simultaneously)
Please stop! Seriously please! I really don’t want to think about it!

PATTON
You know exactly why we’re not talking about it.

(ROMAN looks around, suspicious. THOMAS reacts.)

 LOGAN
But he’s--

VIRGIL
Logan, if you continue to push this, we’re going to end up in really dangerous territory.

LOGAN
Push what?

PATTON
I’m sorry, but I can’t condone any more of that kind of thinking. Please just...

VIRGIL
Just listen to us this time.
(LOGAN reacts)
We’re going to talk about something else now. Okay? Patton what are we talking about?

PATTON
Uhhh 2005’s Just Like Heaven starring Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon.

THOMAS
Oh, wow.

VIRGIL
Sure.

ROMAN
The very same Just Like Heaven that won the Teen Choice Award for best Chick Flick?

PATTON
You got it!

LOGAN
Were there any other Just Like Heaven films released in 2005 starring Mark Ruffalo and Reese
Witherspoon?

ROMAN
If they got married then he’d be Mark Withisspoon.

PATTON
That’s ridiculous, Roman. Ever heard of “what’s mine is yours?” They’d be Mr. and Mrs.
Withtheirspoon!

VIRGIL
Do you know what I never got about that movie?

ROMAN
Why it won best Chick Flick. I love Just Like Heaven and I’m not a chick!

LOGAN
Of course not, you’re a metaphysical human being. A chick is a newly hatched bird.

VIRGIL
How is she a ghost if she’s not dead?

LOGAN
Perhaps she was accidentally, and unknowingly astral projecting.

PATTON
Or maybe it was an out of body experience.

ROMAN
Isn’t astral projecting kind of an out of body experience?

PATTON
I dunno! I’m just glad that the movie had a happy ending!

THE DUKE
(Whispered to THOMAS, drowning out all the other dialogue)
Have you ever imagined killing your brother?

VIRGIL
So there wasn’t really a ghost? Talk about ghost-baiting

(THE DUKE is suddenly standing behind Roman)

ROMAN
Of course she wasn’t a ghost! Ghosts are evil!

PATTON
Reese Witherspoon sure isn’t eVIL--

(PATTON sees THE DUKE and freezes)

VIRGIL
I resent that. Ghosts aren’t evil, they just scare people because you never know when they’re
(VIRGIL sees THE DUKE, and he speaks in his Tempest Tongue)
gonNA SHOW UP!
 ROMAN
Okay! Okay! I take back what I said about ghosts!

(THE DUKE hits ROMAN over the head with a mace. ROMAN falls down, unconscious. VIRGIL gives
THOMAS a look that suggests that this is his fault)

THE DUKE
Boo!

(THOMAS screams. PATTON screams)

LOGAN
Ah, it’s the Duke.

(THE DUKE flashes a twisted smile)

THOMAS
The Duke?? Okay?? Care to explain further? Who is he? What is he doing here??

THE DUKE
Oh I just love showing up where I’m not invited!

THOMAS
Who is he??

PATTON
It’s kinda hard to explain…

THE DUKE
(THE DUKE sweeps them all away into the void)
What?? No it’s not! You just lack imagination! Let’s start from the beginning:

** FORBIDDEN FRUIT (THE DUKE’S THEME)**

THE DUKE
ADAM AND EVE BOUGHT KNOWLEDGE
FOR THE SMALL PRICE OF A LITTLE SIN.
THEY ALSO LOST ETERNAL LIFE
BUT WHAT’S FRUIT WITHOUT THE PITS?
 LOGAN
Apples don’t have pits.

THE DUKE
I AM THE DUKE AND
IT’S HIGH TIME THAT I DROPPED IN.
AND SINCE YOU HAVEN’T PUKED YET,
WE’LL KNOW THEY’RE WRONG
WHEN THEY CALL YOU SICK.

IT’S UNICORN HORNS AND DRAGON TAILS

ROMAN’S DULL CREATIVITY.
IF YOU WANT THE SPECTRUM A TO Z
THEN YOU’LL NEED A LITTLE HELP FROM ME.
FROM UNICORN PORN TO RATS IMPALED
I GIVE THESE THOUGHTS GENEROUSLY.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO CHALLENGE YOUR VIEWERSHIP
THEN YOU NEED TO STOP LIMITING ME.

THOMAS
WHAT IN THE SH*T HAVE I BEEN DRINKING?

LOGAN
It’s fine!
(LOGAN is plucked away by THE DUKE)

PATTON
IT ISN’T YOU, THESE THOUGHTS YOU’RE THINKING!
(PATTON gets plucked away by THE DUKE)

VIRGIL
ALRIGHT! YOU’VE GOT TO STOP THIS GUY FROM SINGING.

THE DUKE
(Massive, THE DUKE turns to VIRGIL)
I LOVE HOW HARD YOU TRY, IT’S SO CUTE.
(To THOMAS)
LET’S RESUME.
SURE, PEOPLE DON’T LIKE ME MUCH, THOMAS
BUT THAT’S ONLY JUST ‘CAUSE I’M HONEST.
GOOD AND BAD IS ALL MADE-UP NONSENSE.
 ROMAN
(Getting back up, rubbing his head)
Bro, I'm gonna whip your butt!

THE DUKE
DO YOU PROMISE?
(THE DUKE flicks ROMAN, knocking him unconscious once again)
Thomas, speaking of honesty, recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge…

HE SAID YOU’RE WANTING TO BE MORE HONEST

AND BE DIRECT DEALING WITH YOUR ISSUES.
NO LONGER WILL YOU DECEIVE YOURSELF
ABOUT THE UGLINESS WITHIN YOU.
Neat!
YOU WANNA FACE FACTS, I’VE GOT ONE:
YOUR LATE-NIGHT THOUGHTS GET PRETTY SICK, DUDE.
IF YOU SHARE THOSE MUSINGS WITH YOUR FRIENDS,
I DOUBT THEY WOULD FORGIVE YOU

EVEN THOUGH EVERYBODY SINS,

EVERYBODY DIES.
WHY DENY YOURSELF KNOWLEDGE
SAY, KNOWLEDGE OF YOURSELF?

YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ASHAMED WITH YOUR DEAR OLD DUKE

YOU NEED NOT FEIGN DECENCY
YOU SEE THIS HOUSE ON FIRE? I SEE IT TO
‘CAUSE YOU’VE GOT A FIEND IN ME
SO CLAP YOUR FEET AND STOMP YOUR HANDS
AND DANCE OF YOUR BOOTY CHEEKS
YOU CAN THEN BET YOUR BOTTOM
I’LL STILL BE AROUND WHEN ALL YOUR LOVED ONES LEAVE

Imagine with me:

LICKING THE BLOWHOLE OF A DOLPHIN,
YOUR BEST BUD TRAPPED INSIDE A COFFIN,
YOUR GRANDMA CHOKING ON A LOZENGE,
YOUR PET DOG STUFFED INTO A SAUSAGE.
THESE SORTS OF THINGS ARE ONLY THOUGHT IN
THE MIND OF A MAN WHOSE SOUL IS TRULY ROTTEN.
SO LET ALL YOUR HOPES OF HEAVEN BE FORGOTTEN,
‘CAUSE YOUR HEAD’S NOT IN THE GUTTER, PAL,
IT’S IN HELL!
HELL! HELL!
THE KIND OF MIND YOU’D ONLY FIND IN HELL!

PATTON
(Now back in the Living Room)
That was horrible.

THOMAS
And horribly unhelpful. Who exactly are you??

THE DUKE
Why, I’m your creativity!

THOMAS
N-no… that’s Roman.

THE DUKE
Yeh… also me though.

THOMAS
What?

LOGAN
Roman is kind of like Netflix Kids and Family, he’s the option you select if you want to…

THE DUKE
--Block out all the juicy stuff!

VIRGIL
Eugh. Don’t say “juicy” in that context.

THE DUKE
Juicy butthole?

THOMAS
Less okay!

PATTON
Yeah, your b-hole needs to stay zipped up in your pants.

THE DUKE
Why do you want to stifle your own creativity Thomas?

THOMAS
I’m sorry that I don’t see the creative merit in “juicy butthole.”

THE DUKE
Oh come on, Thomas! There are different kinds of creativity.
(Beat)
Just take Jeffrey Dahmer! I mean, acid-brained sex zombies--

THOMAS
Let me stop you right there. Jeffrey Dahmer wasn’t creative, he was destructive, and I’ll thank
you never to bring him up again.

(THE DUKE makes a face)

PATTON
That’s right! Just shut it down, Thomas!

LOGAN
You should do no such thing! You cannot force The Duke to retire a topic of conversation.

THE DUKE
Yeeeeah, repression can be very bad indeed... take Jeffrey Dahmer!

(THOMAS reacts and looks at LOGAN. LOGAN reacts.)

THE DUKE
He used to have these pr-- heheh-- pretty funny thoughts about torturing animals...

(PATTON reacts in disgust)

THE DUKE (continued)

But y’know… he hated them. He thought they were horrible and he tried to force them out.
(Shrugs) A lot of good that did him.

LOGAN
It didn’t do him any good.

THE DUKE
Yeah-- well-- right.

LOGAN
In fact, that kind of repression doesn’t do anybody any good, because it doesn’t work. In the
1980’s, Virginia psychologist Daniel Wegner performed the White Bear experiments, which
demonstrated that the more one tries to force out a thought, the more intrusive and/or repetitive
said thought becomes.
 THE DUKE
Jeffrey Dahmer.

THOMAS
StoOoP!

LOGAN
I will begrudgingly forego the scientific method for a quicker, simpler replication of the
experiment: Patton, we will have you to talk about anything you want for the next minute.

PATTON
Alright, but hold on to your ears, because I’m about to talk em’ off.

THE DUKE
Hold on to my ears?
(THE DUKE rips his ears off)
Done, and done.

THOMAS
(Covering his eyes)
Why?

PATTON
Put those back on right now, mister!

THE DUKE
(Juggling his ears)
I can’t hear youuuuu!

LOGAN
I need you to focus!

PATTON
Right! Okay, so do I just start talking whenever?

LOGAN
I’ll cue you; but, before you begin… don’t think about... uh….

THE DUKE
A goldfish in a condom!

(PATTON reacts. THOMAS reacts)

 LOGAN
That works! Go!

PATTON
Once upon a time there was a goOOLDEN GIRL!

VIRGIL
Good save.

PATTON
Who lived in a… condominium. Okay, Logan has it been a minute yet?

LOGAN
Not even close, but you did exactly what I needed you to do.
(PATTON looks proud.)
In Wegner’s experiments, subjects were asked to speak about whatever they wanted with only
one caveat: they were not allowed to think about a white bear. Despite that rule, according to
Wegner, subjects mentioned the bear about once per minute.

THOMAS
Okay! So I can’t stop him! Awesome news!

LOGAN
But--

THOMAS
But either way,
(to THE DUKE)
you’re not creativity.

PATTON
(Pointing to ROMAN)
Yeah, that’s Roman!

(ROMAN is lying unconscious on the floor)

THOMAS
Creativity is about butterflies, and-- and magic. That’s not you, you’re…

THE DUKE
(Covered in all things smelly)
Stinky?!

THOMAS
Scary…

(VIRGIL reacts)

THE DUKE
Me? Scary? No, no, no… that sounds like a you problem… or a him problem.
(The DUKE points at VIRGIL)

LOGAN
Like it or not, The Duke does encompass a portion of your imagination.

PATTON
Imaginative sure is a kind word for him.

VIRGIL
(To LOGAN)
Why are you defending him?

LOGAN
I’m not, I’m just trying to be intellectually honest with Thomas.

THE DUKE
(Pointing to LOGAN with a gasp)
Sounds like bullsh*t. This dork’s Deceit in disguise!

THOMAS
What?!? Again?! Deceit, show yourself!

LOGAN
N-no… it’s actually me.

VIRGIL
Then why are you lying?

LOGAN
Lying?

VIRGIL
You said the Duke is Thomas’s imagination.

PATTON
Unlike our present company, imagination is good!

THE DUKE
D’you guys know that dork means “whale penis?”

LOGAN
(Now ignoring PATTON and VIRGIL)
Thomas you have to understand that life is not so “black and white,” as they say.

THOMAS
Roman literally wears white, and the Duke wears black.

LOGAN
Yes, but they’re your sides! That’s how you see them!

THE DUKE
(As JOAN, covered in blood and eating a human arm)
That’s not the only way he sees me.

THOMAS
(Averting his eyes)
Please, leave Joan out of this!
(THE DUKE, as JOAN, flips THOMAS off with the severed arm)
Why would I even have two creativities, anyway? Why isn’t Roman all encompassing?

LOGAN
Because of your view of creativity and imagination as a purely good force. At a young age, you
filed away products of your imagination as either welcome or forbidden. This led to the
development of two separate sides of your creativity.

THOMAS
So my creativity split in two?

PATTON
Into what?

THE DUKE
Into a butthole?!

LOGAN
Into two parts during your development, yes. Like an ovum. The Duke is like Roman’s twin-- the
embodiment of “bad imagination,” which is primarily experienced by you via intrusive thoughts.

THE DUKE
You made me this way, Thomas. I was the unloved brother from the genesis. Roman and I are
Cain and Abel. And that cane up your butt makes you unable to explore more mature ideas in
your content.

THOMAS
What is it with you and butts?

THE DUKE
(To the melody of “Hey Jude”)
Hey prude, your art is bad.

THOMAS
You’re attacking my livelihood now?

LOGAN
Thomas’s friends and family is one thing, but his work? Is nothing sacred?

THE DUKE
Oh I’m sorry, did you forget the part where I’m your creativity? Obviously I have opinions on the
matter.

VIRGIL
But are they opinions that matter?

PATTON
Especially if they’re hurting you.

THE DUKE
For someone who prefers salty flavors, your videos are rather saccharine. What will your legacy
be? Will you even have one? How bout this: you get buck naked on camera and self-immolate to
Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off! Now, that will leave an impression!

THOMAS
Oh my gosh! I hate you!

THE DUKE
Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate…

THOMAS
I wouldn’t want my legacy to be subjecting people to something they didn’t want to see.

THE DUKE
Why not? That's life. People seeing, hearing, and experiencing things they'd rather not see, hear,
or experience.
 THOMAS
Maybe so, but I don’t want to add to life’s unpleasantness!

THE DUKE
So you're gonna baby them? Do you want to rock the cradle, daddy? Rock the cradle in a tree top.

LOGAN
Why is the cradle in a treetop?

PATTON
No one knows.

THE DUKE
Or do you want to be the wind that causes the cradle to fall?! And then the baby dies...

THOMAS
That’s horrible!

THE DUKE
Look, pleasant metaphors, aren't really my strong suit.

VIRGIL
You have a strong suit?

THE DUKE
Sure do! My birthday suit!
(VIRGIL reacts)
Okay! New metaphor: nudging the baby bird to leave the nest and take flight--?

THOMAS
I guess that’s better--

THE DUKE
And the baby bird immediately flies straight into an unseen jet turbine and causes the entire plane
to come crashing down!! HAHAHA!! AND NO ONE SURVIVES!! AHAHAHA!

THOMAS
What is your deal?!

THE DUKE
What is my deal? Uh b*tch, what is your deal. I’m your creativity. What does that say about you?
 THOMAS
My deal?

PATTON
Thomas doesn’t have a deal!

THE DUKE
If I have a deal then Thomas has a deal! Deal or no deal!

PATTON
W--well Roman, is Thomas’s creativity too so--

THE DUKE
Do I need to remind you of what Thomas was thinking about last night?
(PATTON, THOMAS, and VIRGIL react to flashes of horrifying imagery)
I just did what I do as one of Thomas’s sides… if I am awful… then so is Thomas.

VIRGIL
Not all passing thoughts have some profound meaning behind them. Some are worthless.

THE DUKE
Virgil… you’ve never been one to soften the truth.
(VIRGIL reacts)

THE DUKE (continued)

Why would you aspire to be so boring?

PATTON
Those thoughts weren’t Thomas!

THE DUKE
So what? Thomas thought someone else’s thoughts? Do we have ourselves a classic case of brain
swap?

PATTON
...Maybe…

VIRGIL
He’s right…

PATTON
Really?

VIRGIL
Not you. The Duke.
(PATTON reacts)
The reality is that you thought those thoughts, Thomas…

PATTON
...oh no… oh dear...
(THOMAS reacts)
Is Thomas a bad person?

THOMAS
(Beginning to panic)
Why do you keep asking that??

VIRGIL
We still haven’t gotten an answer… he hasn’t acted on any of the thoughts yet, so at least there’s
that.

LOGAN
(Frustrated)
Okay--

VIRGIL
But, there’s definitely something wrong with him, and unfortunately, he’s not the naturally good
person that you wish he was, Patton.

PATTON
But--but Thomas always tries to put others before himself! We’ve all seen it!

VIRGIL
Yeah, he can act like a good person, just like Deceit can act like you. But we’ve also seen that
doing what he thinks is right can be pretty difficult for him.

(THOMAS reacts)

LOGAN
Okay, you two are blowing this way out of proportion.

VIRGIL
I’m sorry Logan, but Thomas can’t logic his way out of this one. Facts are facts, and the fact is
that Thomas had twisted thoughts that a stable person would never have.

LOGAN
Actually, a “stable person,” as you put it, could absolutely have those thoughts--
 THE DUKE
(Appears right in front of LOGAN)
Shut your mouth or I’ll tear off your nipples and shove them up your nose.

(LOGAN rolls his eyes)

PATTON
Okay… so we just have to… fake it till we make it?

THE DUKE
Like how Thomas is going to imagine making a sand castle out of Joan’s ashes, until he actually
gets to do it?

THOMAS
Stop!

PATTON
No! Like how you fake being good at something until you are… and this something is being a
good person!

THOMAS
But how do you fake not thinking about something?

VIRGIL
Yeah, didn’t we try that earlier when we talked about Just Like Heaven--

(The horrible flashes return. THOMAS and PATTON react. LOGAN looks intrigued.)

THOMAS
Why?!

LOGAN
In trying to distract yourself from those unwanted thoughts, you seem to have created a mental
connection between 2005’s Just Like Heaven and last night’s intrusive thoughts that wouldn’t
have otherwise existed.

THE DUKE
(Now standing with DAVID ABBOT and ELIZABETH MASTERSON)
Uh-oh I’m here with the main characters from Just Like Heaven, David Abbott and Elizabeth
Masterson! And I can do with them as I please!

THOMAS
NOOOOO!!
 VIRGIL
You can’t pretend that that isn’t happening!

THE DUKE
(Licks DAVID ABBOTT’S face)
I’m about to smash the Hulk

PATTON
You can pretend on the outside.

VIRGIL
What does that even mean?

PATTON
As long as these kinds of thoughts stay in Thomas’s head--

THE DUKE
(Choking ELIZABETH MASTERSON, Homer Simpson style)
Turn into a ghost!

PATTON
--then that’s good enough for now!

THOMAS
Of course they would stay in my head!
(THE DUKE gestures toward THOMAS. THOMAS is suddenly holding a baby doll and a knife)
Why would I want to do any of this in real life?
(THOMAS realizes what he’s holding, and he throws away the two objects so that they can be as far from
him as possible)

VIRGIL
You tell us! You’re the one who’s thinking about it!

THE DUKE
Yeah, I didn’t make him throw the baby! I merely gave him a baby and a knife.

LOGAN
Not acting on every thought that he has isn’t faking anything. I can’t think of how one would
“fake” not doing something, other than by doing something and hiding that they’re doing it.

THE DUKE
Ooh how fun! You know who could help us with that?

THOMAS
Nope! One of you is enough.

PATTON
No! You guys aren’t understanding me! They’d stay in Thomas’s head because he would pretend
like he never had the thoughts in the first place!

THOMAS
So we’re back to repression, then? Logan said that that doesn’t work!

PATTON
That’s what repression is?

VIRGIL
Well what other options do we have?

THOMAS
Virgil, I don’t want to do what he says!

VIRGIL
You mean you don’t want to act on what you think!

LOGAN
Virgil, enough!

(VIRGIL reacts)

THE DUKE
Here we go, Virgil. Looks like Logan's reached his listening to others limit for the day.

LOGAN
This is not about me wanting to be listened to. You all are not listening to Thomas. What he’s
saying is worth noting.

VIRGIL
What if he’s lying?!

LOGAN
I can assure you, he’s not. You’re just par--… expressing an unhealthy amount of concern.

(VIRGIL, THOMAS, and PATTON react)

LOGAN
Thank you for being on guard, but for now you must listen.
 THOMAS
You have to believe me, Virge… Patton… I am not at all enticed by anything the Duke is saying.
I don't identify with anything about him.

THE DUKE
(Dressed like THOMAS)
Dress me up however you like, Thomas. I can be covert if you'd like.

LOGAN
Psychologist Dr. Norman Epstein once said “If a thought like that pops into your head but you're
not bothered by it at all, that could be a problem.” Does Thomas seem bothered to you?

(THOMAS looks on at THE DUKE with fear)

PATTON
He does.

VIRGIL
(In unison with THE DUKE)
What about Jeffrey Dahmer?

THE DUKE
(In unison with VIRGIL)
What about Jeffrey Dahmer?
(VIRGIL now realizes that he is in alignment with THE DUKE. THE DUKE looks at Virgil and flashes a
smile)
...He was pretty bothered too.

LOGAN
He certainly was bothered… as a child, and he outgrew those feelings. Thomas is still distraught
by his forbidden thoughts as an adult. Furthermore, Jeffrey Dahmer went on to murder innocent
people. How many people have you murdered Thomas?

THOMAS
...None.

PATTON
Well, that can’t be where the bar is!

LOGAN
Patton, you of all sides, should know that it isn’t. Thomas, you’re a religious man, correct?

THOMAS
Uhh yeah, but there’ve been plenty of bad religious people throughout history.
 LOGAN
Well, I cannot argue with that. Religion is not perfect, but when it is not abused, piety is just as
valid as the innumerable other ways to live a principled life.

(THOMAS reacts)

LOGAN
To the best of your ability, you try to live your life based on a moral code set by your faith,
correct? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, love thy neighbor as thyself, etc.?

THOMAS
...Yes.

LOGAN
Thou shalt not kill is one such principle, but it certainly couldn’t be said that that’s where the
figurative bar has been set.

VIRGIL
Couldn’t all this talk of religion create a connection between Thomas’s beliefs and his intrusive
thoughts?

THE DUKE
Careful Virgil… you’re giving me ideas.

LOGAN
Actually Virgil, Thomas’s faith and his relationship with the Duke are and always have been
inextricable.

PATTON
Oh I don’t know about all that.

LOGAN
Thomas’s Catholic upbringing has instilled in him that thought is a precursor to action.
(THOMAS reacts)
Consider some of the Seven Deadly Sins: pride, envy, greed, lust, wrath--
(VIRGIL reacts)
--five of the seven deadly sins are committed in your head. There is a reason why the Duke has
continuously used religious language-- he’s playing to your sensitivities.
(THOMAS reacts)
It’s fine if you disapprove of toxic thinking...
(PATTON reacts)
But you can’t banish any and all unpleasant thoughts when there is a constant stream of thoughts
going through your head at all times. The Duke was right--
(THE DUKE reacts)
Not only does repression not work, but it can be very bad indeed.
(THOMAS reacts)
I understand that your natural human reaction when you see something disturbing is to look
away, but if you let me examine the Duke’s contributions, then I could expose him for being
unrealistic, and figuratively dress him down.

THE DUKE
(Begins to disrobe)
Oh well, if that’s what you wanted Logan, you could’ve just said so--

LOGAN
I said “figuratively,” and that is why I say it. That. Is. Why. I. Say. It.
(VIRGIL reacts)

LOGAN
The real problem here isn’t the disgusting drivel coming from the Duke.

THE DUKE
Thank you for the alliterative regards, Logan! I love being given two D’s at once.

VIRGIL
Then what is the real problem, Logan?

LOGAN
Well, it’s you…

(VIRGIL reacts)

THE DUKE
Uh-oh! Looks like the cat’s out of the ball bag! Despite his best efforts, Virgil can never stop
being the bad gu--!

LOGAN
And Patton.

(PATTON and THE DUKE react)

VIRGIL
Patton?

THOMAS
 How?

LOGAN
He’s being too strict.
(PATTON reacts. LOGAN’S eyes widen, possibly SMILING??)
Oh my goodness… Patton is being too strict! It’s not me for once! What does that mean? Am I
cool?? Does this make me cool?? Am I being--
(THE DUKE gestures towards LOGAN. LOGAN’S two front teeth have been removed from his mouth
and shoved up his nose)
My teeth?

THE DUKE
(Shrugs)
Yep.

LOGAN
I thought you said--

THE DUKE
I changed my mind! I’m unpredictable like that!
(LOGAN reacts)
I bet that really gets to you, huh Logan-- the opposite of rationality. There is no rhyme or reason
to what I do, I just do! And what I do is wreak havoc!

LOGAN
I’d say you just reek… figuratively.

VIRGIL
Also literally though.

PATTON
Ohhh! What do you have to say to that, Duke?

THE DUKE
(Shrugs)
Thank you? Reek is what I was going for.

PATTON
Well…

THE DUKE
(Showing off his favorite brand of deodorant)
My deodorant’s flavor is “Pickled Poo Logs.”
 LOGAN
Flavor?

VIRGIL
Deodorants don’t have flavors. You don’t eat deodorant.

THE DUKE
(Already chewing on a bite of the deodorant)
Maybe you don’t.

THOMAS
(To LOGAN, PATTON, and VIRGIL)
I got one, guys.
(To THE DUKE)
Since we call Roman “Princey,” does that mean we should call you... Dukey?

(PATTON and VIRGIL react)

THE DUKE
Please do!

THOMAS
Well. There’s really nothing you can say to him…

THE DUKE
Or you could just call me by my name… Remus.

(THOMAS, PATTON, and VIRGIL react. LOGAN turns his back to the camera with teeth in hand)

THOMAS
You… you told me… right off the bat, just like that?

THE DUKE
Of course I did, Dr. Seuss… I would never hide anything from you.

THOMAS
(THOMAS and VIRGIL react)

LOGAN
(Magically has his teeth back in his mouth, and they sparkle)
 The truth is, Remus… you don’t “get to me” in the slightest. Object impermanence renders you
pretty unintimidating.
(THE DUKE reacts as if he was dealt a blow. THOMAS notices.)
What’s so frightening about something with no real world impact?

THE DUKE
Oh shut up, nerdy Wolverine!

ROMAN
(Still half-conscious on the ground)
No, you shut up...

THE DUKE
You wouldn’t know impact if it hit you in the face!

(THE DUKE throws a shuriken at LOGAN. It hits LOGAN in the center of his forehead. PATTON reacts.)

THOMAS
He does make an impact!

LOGAN
(The shuriken has vanished)
Does he?

THOMAS
I would have gotten a full night’s sleep if it weren’t for him!

LOGAN
Lack of sleep can negatively affect your memory, it weakens your immune system, and it
increases your risk of heart disease, and that’s only some of the potential side effects.

THOMAS
Right! Exactly!

THE DUKE
I am scary.

LOGAN
However, your lack of sleep last night was the result of Virgil’s reaction to Remus, not Remus
himself.

(VIRGIL reacts)
 THOMAS
So?

LOGAN
So, The Duke only has power over you because Virgil and Patton believe that he does-- because
you fear him.
(THOMAS reacts)
Without that... he’d have a much harder time hurting you.
(THE DUKE again reacts as if he was dealt a blow)
So what do you think? Can we logic our way out of this one?

(THOMAS, PATTON, and VIRGIL all nod enthusiastically.)

LOGAN
Not really, no. There’s no way to force intrusive thoughts out of your head, please pay attention.

THOMAS
Sh*t.

LOGAN
That said, you can learn to better deal with intrusive thoughts.

(THE DUKE lets out a horrifying scream. Everyone else looks at him)

THE DUKE
Aha! My devious plan was a success! You were all momentarily distracted!

(THOMAS, PATTON, and VIRGIL react)

LOGAN
\...Anyway, this issue extends--

THE DUKE
Extenze! Remember that erection medicine?

LOGAN
This issue goes beyond taking Remus seriously. Another major concern is when you try too hard
to make sense of him.

PATTON
But all of those horrible thoughts! They have to mean something!

LOGAN
 No, they don’t. Virgil was right, not all thoughts are meaningful. Remus said it himself, and I’m
sure he’ll say it again:
(LOGAN gives THE DUKE the floor)

THE DUKE
There is no rhyme or reason to what I do, I just do. A-skoodily-boo! Ope! Maybe there is a
rhyme! Ohoho!

LOGAN
If you aggressively interrogate Thomas about why The Duke said or did something, then you’re
only going to hurt Thomas. I mean, look at him now!
(THOMAS looks like a tired mess)

LOGAN
He barely got any rest due in large part to you two chastising him all night.

(VIRGIL and PATTON react. We see that THE DUKE is no longer standing in ROMAN’S spot)

THOMAS
Is he gone?

LOGAN
No--

PATTON
I think he’s go--

THE DUKE
Nails on a chalkboard!

(THOMAS and PATTON react)

THE DUKE
Literally! Fingernails nailed to a chalkboard!

(THOMAS reacts)

LOGAN
Don’t do that. Never check to see if you’ve successfully gotten rid of him.

THOMAS
Why is Remus becoming such a nuisance right now?

LOGAN
Well, how are you doing right now?

THOMAS
I don’t know… I’m fine.

LOGAN
(Takes a beat)
Virgil, how is he doing?

VIRGIL
He recently realized that he’s a bigger liar than he thought he was, he doesn’t understand himself,
he’s committed to skipping a big callback--
(PATTON reacts)
--and he’s sleep deprived. So yeah… he feels like a piece of dirt who has no control over his life.

(THOMAS reacts)

LOGAN
And that is precisely why the Duke feels like such a threat-- in part, at least. The feeling that you
may be a bad person who doesn’t have control over yourself or you destiny causes you to fear
that you may actually act on these thoughts.

THE DUKE
What if you sniffed your dog’s butt?

THOMAS
Shut up...

VIRGIL
I guess that makes sense, I mean… I sound the alarm when Roman suggests Thomas talk to a
cute guy, so it follows that I’d have even more of a reaction to Remus’s suggestions.

THE DUKE
Speaking of suggestions… when are you actually gonna jump out of a moving car? I’ve been
bringing it up for years, and still nothing.

(THOMAS reacts)

LOGAN
But to view the Duke’s… contributions as “suggestions” is almost exaggerative. This issue is
more of a matter of over control, than impulse control.

PATTON
So it is okay to jump out of a moving car?

(THE DUKE reacts)

LOGAN
No, but it is okay if the thought of jumping out of a car happens to cross your mind.

PATTON
Okay, we’ve heard a lot about what not to do, (so/but) what can we do?

LOGAN
Well I’d imagine that you will now recognize many of the Duke’s contributions as intrusive
thoughts, which is actually really important. You must accept that these thoughts just happen, and
again, the substance of these thoughts typically provide no insight into your true character.

THE DUKE
P-- poopy!

LOGAN
It’s like if you had a child who, despite all of your best efforts, refuses to stop screaming on an
airplane.

THE DUKE
Poopy!

(VIRGIL reacts)

LOGAN
There’s no out. Just accept it. They’ll tire themselves out in the time, and you can better address
the issue later. There’s no rush for you.

THE DUKE
Poopy…

(VIRGIL reacts)

LOGAN
It’s okay. Just keep doing whatever you were doing before. Virgil might become frustrated and
that’s okay too. Everything is okay.

THOMAS
Wow…

PATTON
That was amazing, Logan!

LOGAN
And you can always talk to someone. Wegner, who I mentioned earlier, as well as psychologist
James Pennebaker found that subjects who talked about their thoughts often felt better
emotionally and physically.

(VIRGIL reacts)
LOGAN
According to one estimate, in the United States, roughly one in fifty people suffer from intrusive
thoughts… so you are not alone.
(PATTON reacts)
And if you can’t find a personal friend who will listen or understand, then you should consider
seeing a professional if the thoughts are really troubling you.

THOMAS
I don’t know...

LOGAN
If you have joint problems you see a rheumatologist, if you have stomach problems you see a
gastroenterologist, and therefore, if you have mental health problems you see…
(Gestures to THOMAS)

THOMAS
(SighS)
A therapist.

LOGAN
And/or a psychiatrist. When something is hurting you, or inhibiting you--
(THE DUKE reacts)
You seek someone who can help.

PATTON
I didn’t realize what an impossible standard I was setting… I can’t control every little thing that
pops into your head.

(VIRGIL and THOMAS react)

PATTON
This might be unnecessary, but… it’s okay if you sometimes think some icky thoughts, Thomas.
(Beat)
You have my… permission.

THOMAS
Huh… actually that does kind of help, Patton.
(PATTON reacts. THOMAS focuses on THE DUKE.)
As for y--!

LOGAN
There’s really no need, Thomas.

PATTON
Why don’t ya just take a breather, kiddo.

THOMAS
Yeah… yeah, I should.
(THOMAS sits on couch)

VIRGIL
(To THE DUKE)
It’s funny… you used to really unsettle me. I thought you were some terrible illness… but now I
can see that you’re just… the common cold: a mild inconvenience that’s gone before you know it.

THE DUKE
Hehehe you tickle me, emo.
(VIRGIL reacts)
Well, I enjoyed this. Good seeing you again, Virgil. It was just like old times! (Sinks out)

(PATTON, LOGAN, and VIRGIL react)

ROMAN
(Gets back up, rubbing his head)
I can see now why everyone was reluctant to tell me what was going on.

THOMAS
(Jumping up from the couch)
Roman!!

VIRGIL
Are you good?

ROMAN
I don’t know.

PATTON
Are you hurt at all?

ROMAN
My head’s fine. More than anything I feel like I was struck by a-- a realization. Like Einstein
with the apple.

LOGAN
You mean Newton?

ROMAN
Oh shut up, nerdy Wolverine!
(LOGAN reacts. ROMAN realizes that he echoed the words of his evil twin)
No! I mean-- I’m sorry, Logan. I didn’t mean that.

LOGAN
It’s… quite alright, Roman. However, the more pertinent question is: is Thomas alright?

THOMAS
Yeah… I’m… I’m alright.

PATTON
Alright, alright, alright am I right?

VIRGIL
That word’s been said so much, now, that it sounds all wrong.

LOGAN
Well, I believe I was summoned to help address this matter, and it seems to be settled now. Your
next course of action should be settling into bed for the night to revitalize your immune system,
as well as your short term memory-- you wouldn’t want to forget everything you’ve just learned.

THOMAS
Logan… thank you so much.

LOGAN
Oh, don’t mention it. Just another day’s work.

THOMAS
No, seriously. You’re really cool.

(Taken aback, LOGAN sinks out)

PATTON
Yeah, I’ll try not to pester you too much tonight, kiddo. I can’t promise that I’ll never have
another knee jerk reaction, but I can try to make peace with whatever thoughts dance through
your head… whether they be sugar plums or--
 THE DUKE
(Next to Roman)
Smelly bums!

(VIRGIL reacts)

PATTON
(Sinking out)
Or--or that…

THE DUKE
This was fun! A Thomas Sandwich hold the Roman lettuce. You should really make that the
usual, because the Roman’ll make you sick.

(THOMAS reacts)

ROMAN
And yet, as soon as I was removed from the picture, Thomas had a Dukey problem.

THE DUKE
(Sinking out again)
Thomas already made a Dukey joke, byyyye!

THOMAS
So… you have a brother?

ROMAN
Yeeeah, it’s a little like looking into a funhouse mirror, but instead of a giant head, or like, long
legs and a tiny torso… it shows you everything you don’t want to be.

THOMAS
That doesn’t sound like a very fun house.

ROMAN
Yeeeah, but whatever, you know? He’s gone now, and he’s never coming back!

THOMAS
Ooh, I don’t think that that’s--

ROMAN
(Sinking out)
Byyyye

(VIRGIL is lost in thought)

 THOMAS
Virgil? Are you okay buddy?

VIRGIL
Huh? Oh, yeah. I just… I’m a little disappointed in myself. I thought I would be able to protect
you from them.

THOMAS
The Dark Sides?

VIRGIL
The others… I thought I knew how to handle them.

THOMAS
Well, I think we’re all trying to figure them out, for now. It’ll take some time to figure everything
out.

VIRGIL
Yeah, but I should know better.

THOMAS
Isn’t that kind of unfair? Why should you be held to a different standard than any other side?

VIRGIL
Because I was one of them.

(THOMAS reacts. VIRGIL sinks out.)

THOMAS
(Parceling through his feelings momentarily, before remembering the audience)
Oh right! Umm… So, yeah… I’m sorry that you all had to see any of that-- the Duke stuff, I
mean, or Remus. I know that intrusive thoughts, especially intrusive thoughts of the disturbing
variety, are a taboo subject that can be scary to deal with, and sometimes scarier to talk about--
even though it’s a relatively common phenomenon! It’s easy to feel like you’ve crossed some
line, and thought the unthinkable. But please, if you take away anything from this video, let it be
this: those thoughts that you may have thought do not define you. We are thinking machines.
Your brain generates ideas so easily, you literally do it in your sleep! So a thought alone cannot
make you a bad person, especially an unwelcome thought. To echo the words of American
Journalist, Paul Roberts, “In the end, the most damaging ‘forbidden’ thought, the one we have
been trained to block at every turn, may simply be that we are really okay.” Until next time, take
it easy guys, gals, and nonbinary pals. Peace out.