You know why New Mexico is so windy? Because Texas sucks and Arizona blows!

A dour old dwarf named Fritz, got burned right where he sits, that's what happens
they say, when you get in the way, of a dragon as he spits!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic
considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies “I don’t think I
am” POOF! The horse disappears. You see this was based off of Descartes famous
philosophy line “I think therefore I am”. But I couldn’t explain that first because
that would have been putting Descartes before the horse. Is this a good joke?
Neigh.

the d20's are rolling, rolling, keep them murder hoboes rolling, rawhide!

I'm working to be able to expand my daddybase of jokes!

and up from the ground comes a gelatinous cube, death J-ello that is. no XP, no
gold. so they moved away from there!

What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx Man

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

you're so old back in your day rainbows were black and white
I'm so old, back in my day rainbows were black and white!

All ghosts are lazy because they're allergic to exorcise

What do you call a hen who can count her own eggs? A mathemachicken or egg-jucated

Why isn't a nose 12 inches long?

Because, then it would be a foot

I am forever disappointed that Chef Bobby Flay didn't name his daughter Sue.

What RPG did Karl Marx play? D&D but he disabled the class system.

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer.

Can you be a mirrorsexual, or is that just a narcissist?

What does a barbarian do when 2 of his poleaxes come together and lay an egg?
Hatchet

What do you call a confederate soldier?

Dead

“I hate being bi-polar.. it’s awesome”

How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They/Them.

What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it WILL kill you?
A Pool Table

What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye aye, ARRRRRR, and the 7 seas

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it, but they can't eat it.

Older WW2 Air Force vet goes to talk to a class. Gets into a discussion with the
class about a dogfight with the Germans. "Yeah those fuckers were everywhere!" Kids
freak out. Teacher has to explain, "Class, Fockers were a type of German plane."
Vet replies, "That's right, but those fuckers were flying Messerschmits

What do you call a hippies wife?

Missus Hippie

Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

If Teal'c was a Farmer on Stargate SG1, would his favorite word be inSEED? :)

if your a star wars fan... you know the lore about Vaders wife? its an uplifting
story, her names Ella Vader

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam!

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic
was fine. ............. No congestion for hours!

I tried to buy a lighter off eBay but all it offered me was 37,000 matches

Why did the blacksmith go def? all he listens to was loud heavy metal

What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?.......... Black eyed
peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
What’s the difference between a sharply dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly
dressed man on a unicycle?......... Attire.

What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing

song?................ One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.

What's the difference between a cat and a frog?........... A cat has nine lives,
but the frogs croaks every night.

I'm really good at guessing what's inside wrapped presents.......... You might say
it's a gift.

what's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid
someone to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

Police have discovered the body of a man inside a crate of chickpeas......... They
are treating it as hummuside

You should always fear a pirate duck............. He has the power to unleash the
quackin.

I did a chart of my exes, it has an Ex axis and a Why axis!

It's my brothers birthday, he’s a bomb disposal expert. ......... Took him 6 hours
to open his present...

I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday....... They don’t make them like
they’re going to anymore....

when my grandad draws graphs, it gives him flash backs to when he was fighting the
axis

I used to be in a band called ‘The Palindromes’............ Our first single was

“If I Had A Hi Fi”.

XXX: Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good
time......................... Got outside, she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds.
A priest, a nun, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this,
a joke?"

A traveling salesman is stranded in a storm, so he stops at a remote farmhouse to

ask for shelter. The farmer says, "Well, alright, but you'll have to sleep in my
son's room." The traveling salesman steps back outside, saying "Sorry, I think I'm
in the wrong joke."

I once went to a really awkward party in an igloo......................... When I

tried to break the ice it only made things worse.

Did you hear about the blind circumcision doctor? ....... He got the sack

Costume party..... Host: What are you? .... Me: A Harp ...... Host: Your costume’s
too small to be a harp...... Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?

im just gonna chello out in the corner... now we are just asking for tremble.

what has 4 lips and never needs chapstick? discunt

i'm not trying to set the tempo or raise a bar.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say
“vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention
that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Why do seagulls live by the sea? .............Because if they lived by the bay
they'd be bagels!

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a 35 minute walk from
the pub to my house....................... The difference is staggering.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without
any problems". ................... I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5
people without any problems?”

when I'm around my Spanish speaking friends, I always say the word "mucho". it
means a lot to them.

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad

jokes............... That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me. That’s a stand-
up chameleon.
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder
to crayon.

Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into a bar, pays for his drink with a "magic trick". He tells the
bartender to put down two shots. He down the first one. Then opens his coat.
He pulls out a tiny piano.
Puts it on the bar, and empties his other pocket. A tiny man, goes over to the
piano and plays the most moving rendition of ode to joy anyone in the bar has ever
heard.

The bartender is so moved he gives everyone in the place a free round.

Bartender asks 'How'd you manage that?"
"Well, turns out that Djinni was hard of hearing. He thought I asked for a twelve
inch pianist"
------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fellow O'Doole Who found little red spots on his tool His Doctor a
cynic said Get out of me clinic, And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

There once was a sailor named Bates Who was dancing the mambo on skates. He fell
on his cutlass, Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates.

There once was a Scott named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter 'Twas not
his size That caused such surprise 'Twas that I found a rhyme for the word
"pentameter."

On the Breast of a woman named Gale was tattooed the price of her tail and on her
behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in braille.

A young psychic midget named Marge Went to jail on a serious charge. But despite
lock and key The lady broke free And the News said "Small Medium at Large".

There once was a gal from Cancun, Who had a most curious poon. T'was coarse like a
thistle, But tight as a whistle, And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

Two lesbians north of the town Made sixty-nine love on the ground Their unbridled
lust Leaked out in the dust And made so much mud that they drowned.

A strange young fellow from Leeds Rashly swallowed a package of seeds. Great tufts
of fine grass Sprouted out of his ass And his balls were covered with weeds.

There was a young man from Brighton Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un. He
said, “Oh my love, it fits like a glove.” Said she, “But you’re not in the right
‘un.”

There once was a man from Kansas, Who's balls were made out of brass. in stormy
weather, he'd clack them together, and lightning shot out of his ass

What did the goth vegan shout? Hail Seitan!

There was a Scotsman named McFee, who got stung on his balls by a bee, he made
tonnes of money, by producing lots of honey, every time he went for a pee.

There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She
said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?

did you hear about the novelist that never washed his hands .. .........he wound up
with sticky notes everywhere

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

How do you organize a space party? You Planet

When Captain Picard says "fire at will," how come no one shoots Riker?

I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants

Why do paladins wear chainmail? Because it’s holey armor.

What do you call a cross country trip going from one transplant clinic to another,
The Organ Trail

Bake a cake with rum and nobody bats an eye. Bake brownies with laxatives and
everybody loses their shit.

Saw a archaeological dig and turned out they were digging for a burial ground in
the wrong place....they did not appreciate when i told them they had made a Grave
mistake

----------------------------------------------------------

1: A married couple were driving along, when they were pulled by the traffic
police.
Cop : "Sir do you know you have a brake light out?"
Husband : "I did not know at all officer".
Wife: "I told you it was out TWO days ago!"
2: Cop : License and Registration please".
Husband "Don't have it on me".
Wife "You had the documents telling you to renew it last month!"~
Husband "Betty dear do me a favour and SHUT THE HELL UP!
Cop : "Ma'am does he always talk to you in this way?"
Wife : Only when hes been drinking!"

=========================================================

3 workers from a holdiay sales firm found a genie he gives them one wish each.

first person "I want to be in barabdos with my lover and $10million in the bank"
Puff of smke and shes gone

Second person "I want to be a real life James Bond". same thing happens.

Third person is the manager. "My wish? I want them back in the office after
lunch!"

==================================================================

A young cowboy limps into a bar and orders a whisky then goes upstairs to a room he
rented earlier in the day.

"Wasnt that the limp a long kid?"

"yeah I think so, but how come he limps?"

"You ever heard of someone so fast on the draw its like they are shooting as they
pull the gun from a holster?"

"yeah so?"

"He's not quite that fast!"

====================================================================

Two men are out hunting, used up their ammo for the day and are heading home when a
large bear roars at them.

They run a short distance before resting but can hear the bear coming after them,
the 1st hunter sits down and pulls his kicking boots off and puts on some running
shoes.

"What are you doing? You cannot out run a bear!"

"I dont have to, I just have to be faster then you!"

==================================================================

I pull out a fishing rod and place my breath on the hook! Now i'm waiting with
Baited Breath!

What is a sharks favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and Jellyfish!

Why did Captain James T Kirk urinate on the ceiling of the bridge of the
enterprise?
To Boldly go where no man has gone before
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because its pointless.

Why did the Almond cross the busy road? Because it was Nuts!

Lose your left side, so at least your body will be all right.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things
literally.

Your puns are like cattle. Out standing in their field.

The Queen just knighted the first cow in history. His title is Sir Loin.

How much room do fungi need to grow? As mushroom as possible!

A new study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the
last time I ate a monkey.

what if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

know how the hackers got away from the police?

they ransomware

is not a dad, but the dad jokes are real, because a joke becomes a dad joke when
it becomes apparent

I visited a monastery and as I walked by the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I
asked him "Are you the friar?" ................ He replied "No I’m the chip monk.

Rangers can always track down great deals on gear in town. Hunter’s Markdown
prices!

Where do mansplainers get their water? from a well, actually

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Anyone can roast beef!

I use Rob Burr Finance!

I was going to tell yall a joke about planes ...but i didn't think it would land

my grandfather had schizophrenia, but he was good people.

I'm afraid for the calendar......cuz its days are numbered!

puns are just like a broken pencil........................... pointless

what body part loses the most?

Da feet

Went to the doctor...he said i have some kind of airport disease...its terminal

the other day I put up a gate in front of my house, and all the neighbors took
offence to it

I only get sick on the week days.. I must have a weekend immune system

Did you know, your eyes are the last things to stop working when you die... They
Dilate

Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Bards don't steal. They Lute

I don't get why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more
He's basically a big Banner ad

--------------------------------------------------------------------
A limousine driver is supposed to pick up Pope Benedict XVI from the airport. After
stowing all of the Pope's luggage (and it's not a little), he notices that Ratzi is
still not in the car and addresses him: "Excuse me, Your Holiness, would you mind
getting in the car so we can get going?" The Pope replies, "To be honest, I'm never
allowed to drive in the Vatican. Would you let me drive?" The driver says that this
is not possible, otherwise he would lose his job. -->
"No telling what would happen if the pope had an accident," the driver thinks to
himself, wishing he had never gone to work this morning this morning. The pope:
"I'd pay you handsomely for that, too." "All right!" the driver thinks to himself
and gets in the back. The Pope gets behind the wheel and roars off with squealing
tires. As the limousine cruises through the city at 150km/h, the driver is already
regretting his decision and asks, "Please Your Holiness, slow down a bit!"

Shortly after, he hears sirens wailing behind him. The pope stops and a policeman
approaches the car. The driver is already afraid of losing his driver's license.
The policeman takes a quick look at the Pope, goes back to his motorcycle, takes
his radio and asks to speak to his boss. When his boss is on the radio, the
policeman tells him that he has just stopped a limousine at 150km/h. The boss says:
"Well then, you'll lose your license.

Chief: "Well then, arrest him!" Policeman: "I don't think we should do that. The
driver is pretty important." His boss responds by saying that he couldn't care less
how important the person is. If someone is driving around town at 150, he should be
arrested. "No, I mean REALLY important!" the cop replies. Chief: "Who's in the car?
The mayor?" "No!", replies the policeman. "Much more important!" "Chancellor?" "No,
even more important". "Well, who is it then?" "I think it's God!"

"Why the hell do you think it's God?" "He's got the Pope for a driver!"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Because they always add more when they're recounting.

Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores

It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.

Did you know the first French Fries weren't cooked in France? They were cooked in
Greece
----------------------------------------------------

An adventuring party hears of the murder of the Bards's brother.

Bard: I swear I will have revenge for my brother! Warrior: You have my sword!
Ranger: You have my bow!
Necromancer: And your brother! \*whacks corpse on the table\*

What do you call it when a priest orders something wrong?

A clerical error

daughter and dad shower for the first time, and daughter spots her dad's genitals.
She asks: Daddy what is that? and he answers: that's my teddy bear. Later at night
dad wakes up in the middle of the night from massive pain in the groin area...
daughter's on the bed, and dad asks what the hell she did. Her answer: i just
played a bit with your teddy bear... first i undressed him, then i dressed him then
i undressed him again.. and then he spit at me, so i wrung his neck...
 I once sent a list of my top 10 favorite puns to 10 of my favorite friends, and
asked them to vote on their favorite pun... after tallying all the votes, to my
dismay, no pun in 10 did

Did you know if a prisoner could take their own mug shots... They'd be called
cellfies.

I'm going to make a centaur philosopher and name it Thomas Equinas

I'm going to make a half man half horse cleric and name it centaur for disease
control

What do you call a bundle of hay in church? Christian Bale

What would happen if Russia painted the moon red? The Americans would fly to the
moon and write Coke on it in white paint

what do you call a potato with a penis?

a dictater

What's red and tastes like blue paint? Red paint

I am so sick of salesmen! This one the other day, tried to sell me a gravestone!!
I am thinking to myself, this is the LAST thing I need!!

A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.

I heard People are Dying to get into Graveyards

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under
pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a
big plus.

What do you call a wandering warrior who never gets angry.

A nomad.

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes
 “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said
yes.

why do sweeds go to the bathroom with the door open? they don't want anyone to peep
through the keyhole!

why did the ghost cross the road?

to get to the other side

What did the thief steal on the theatre’s opening night?

The spotlight.

I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should’ve made a bigger scene
about it.

why should you never let the thief rescue the princess?.... He'll steal her heart!

I’m so excited about the upcoming interactive theatre pun show. I do love to play
on words.

I wonder why theatres are so sad? They’re always dark, moody, and in tiers.

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres
Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered
his jeans.

I love using our theatre’s trapdoor... it’s just a stage I’m going through.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop,
but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I'm in a 12 step program for musical theatre addicts.

I'm on step 5, 6, 7, and!

What do you call 2 monkeys that share the same Amazon account? Prime Mates
I asked 10 people what LGTBQ standed for… Couldn’t get a straight answer!

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike
night!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a
poodle.

I had a great joke about COVID… but I don’t wanna spread it around.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints

a close friend recently told me I make people uncomfortable and don't respect
personal space. really upset me, and ruined our bath

What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing

Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at the reviews… only 1
star!

Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so
I pushed her over.

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus
driver.

What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.

I named my dog “5 miles.” So that I could frequently say, “I am going to walk 5

miles now.”

My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work… She was pretty
mad when I only picked seven up
what do you call a dog with no legs?
anything you want, it's still not coming to you

Why do old plumbers only clean sewer lines during the day? It’s because they can’t
see sh!t at night.

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

being a photographer must be hard, its easy to lose focus

I had a dream that something really funky was going on with my car muffler, and I
had to try really, really hard to figure out what was wrong with it. I woke up and
felt exhausted! At least I didn't get run over in my dream, I'd wake up tired.

We’re not grammar Nazis, we’re alt-write

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

I get my attention span from my mom, my wing span from my dad, and my c-span from
the cable company!

My jokes always landed when I told them in person with my co-workers. But now that
I work from home, they aren't remotely as funny.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to
take a swing at you. That's the punch line...

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why? Inflation.
Too soon??? Probably too soon.

I have been trying to tell apple jokes for weeks, but I could never get to the
core of the joke.

What do you call Professional Wrestling? A Rope Opera!

what do you call an American bee? USB

Becky got so mad, when Mindy showed up at the desert place we were having at date
at. She was like "Oh hey, look it's Mindy!" and I was like, she's always early, i'm
meeting her at eight o'clock.

I'm so old my kidneys have become adultneys

I've been told I'm pun-gent

How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.

Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.

Why did the restaurant on the moon fail? It had great food, but no atmosphere.

What kind of music do wind turbines listen to? - They're big metal fans.

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.

Why did the T-rex get arrested? - possession of small arms

How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex

a man walked into a bar...... ouch!

A Cheeseburger walks into a bar, bartender says "Hey, we don't serve food here!"

why is it polite to knock on the fridge door? there might be a salad dressing

A drunk walked into a bar, he woke up 3 days later in hospital

To the person who stole my vacuum: i hope you come clean about it

How about a cow with two legs? - lean beef

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be
chicken sedans!

I was a banker til I lost interest,

you can't account for these changes

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na

what do you call an American bee? USB

What’s a pirate use his cellphone for? Booty Calls

Have y'all heard of the musical apple? It's been D chord

Do British ghosts drink boo tea?

What do you call a place where Grizzlies play pinball machines? A bear-a-cade!

Why were the Stormtroopers on Endor nervous about the trees?

Because they looked a little shady

Water is heavier than butane, because butane is a lighter fluid

What do you call a prostitute who takes spaghetti as payment? A pastatute

What kind of boats do vampires travel in? Blood Vessels.

How do you catch a bra? With a booby trap

why was the death star measured in feet? because they wanted to use imperial
units

Why did the skeleton cross the road? He had a bone to pick with the chicken

Why didn't the skeleton ask anyone to prom? Because he just didn't have the guts

Why are they not allowed to do inventories in Afghanistan? Cos of the Tally-ban

So I was in a restaurant and the lady came over and said would you care for some
orange juice? I said well yeah if it needed me.

Last year I was miserable and depressed, I've really managed to turn that around
this year. Now I'm depressed and miserable.
What’s a kidnappers favourite shoes? White vans

David Hasslehoff is apparently changing his name to David Hoff. He can't be arsed
with the hassle anymore.

have you ever accidently chucked something away then later realised you actually
need it? Lol, yeah I did this with my life

Last night me and my bird watched 3 films back to back. Luckily I was the one
facing the tele.

Don’t worry people. Due to COVID the war will be held online.

Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.

Huge shout out to my arms for always being by my side and a massive thank you to my
fingers, cos no matter what I’ve always been able to count on them.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. There's nothing left but de
Brie.

I used to do some work just sweeping leaves. Not a bad job, I was raking it in.

Init mad how so many people name their dogs something they can’t afford

I have BPD, which is like Bi-polar but only faster.... you could say its the Bi-
polar express

A lazy ass guy i knew never walked his dog... when it died he got a tattoo on his
calf of him.... all i could think was that's the most that dogs ever been walked

Give it to me Give it to me she yelled. I’m so wet, give it to me now. She could
scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

U couldn't change me if I was a 20 and you had 2 10's

Iron mans a super hero. Iron woman's a command

ive heard charlie runs a rescue centre for dogs in his country he's such a great
dane

currently developing a new frangrance for introverts... gonna call it "leave me the
fuh cologne"

In the cemetery I saw 4 guys walking round and round with a coffin. Few hours later
I saw the same men still carrying the same coffin. I thought to myself, they’ve
lost the fuckin plot.

just to pre warn you guys. someone was trying to access my account
so If anyone gets a message from me about tinned meat don't open it, It’s spam.

'what do manchester united and the black eyed peas have in common?' theyre both
shite without fergie

Wizard: Why is the Barbarian carrying a skillet?

Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.
Wizard: He has spells?
Bard: Just one. Everytime he his someone with it, he says "Cast Iron!"

Elf: Wait i can explain.

Dwarf: You can live 750 years? I can only live 350 years!
Human: At least you can live longer than a century,
DM: You guys think you're going to live?

English is just three languages in trench coat that beats up other languages and
then steals loose grammar and words from their pockets.

Hey did you know that cow’s milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it!

why do mermaids wear seashells? they grew out of their B-shells

whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick!

why did the can crusher quit his job? it was soda pressing

What do you call a caveman who likes to walk slowly all the time? A Meanderthal

How do you think the unthinkable? You thteer it into an ithberg

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey." The horse says "Sure."
best joke i have is my life HA!

why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? they were outstanding in their field!

Have you heard about the mathematician with a constipation problem? he worked it
out with a pencil

What do you call a band of Orc druids who like to wildshape into birds of prey and
fly at night? Orc-kestrel Manouevres In The Dark.

I went to the doctors and he gave me a great diagnosis, I am medically a BEAST.

Yeah, a beast! I don't know what morbidly means but he said that I'm morbidly a
beast!

the doctor also said that I should start exercising. I told him I've tried but have
trouble adding it to my daily routine. I've been told to try lunges, they're a big
step forward

I tell those jokes and people think I'm dumb. in real life I'm quite clever, case
in point I figured out my ex was cheating on me. She told me that she'd be ready in
10 to 15 minutes max. my name's Alan, not Max.

I have my dad's sense of humor since I'm not a father myself. Though I think most
of his gems of wisdom are funny too. Because of his advice I always take an extra
pair of pants when I go golfing, In case I get a hole in one

in all honesty though my dad thought me great life lessons. like when I did what I
was suppose to all week he would take me out for a large ice cream cone and
explained it's like a paycheck when I get older. he also taught me about taxes by
eating 38% of my "paycheck".

Woman says to Churchill, if I was your wife I'd put poison in your wine, Churchill
replies, Madame if you were my wife I'd drink it...

my friend said his doctor would like to see less of him. His doctor meant he needed
to lose weight.

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours. They
decided to call it a day.

Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!

What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.

what concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback

what state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

Why did the bicycle fall over? it was 2 tired

what do you call a sleeping bull? a bulldozer

Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza". Now I'm in hot water with
the Japanese mafia.

“Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks
“but what’s with the big pause?” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born
with them”

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!

Child: Dad, make me a sandwich. Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you
can't "tuna" fish!

What do you do when your bunny gets wet? You get your hare dryer. And if you want
it to get drunk, you use hops!

How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from
my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

Conjunctivitis dot com – now that’s a site for sore eyes.

A teacher walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer.” ............ The barman
says "I don't know, CAN YOU?"
Did you know that AA Milne, the creator of Winnie the Pooh, had a smaller brother
called AAA Milne...

My Daughter turned 18 over the weekend, so I bought her a locket with a picture of
herself inside. Thankfully, she's now finally............... Independent..

wanna hear a joke about construction? never mind it takes forever to finish

Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life.

wanna hear a joke about government? nevermind it doesnt work

A times new roman walked into a bar, the bartender said we don't serve your type
here

I've been banned from the Secret Cooking Society… I kept spilling the beans.

I never eat clocks, its too time consuming

I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions; Whose blood
is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

copy pasting blood puns can be A Negative experience

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. -For them, it's a jarring experience.

What did the car salesman say to the magician? "Pick a car, any car!"

we could probably do space travel with the tech we have, but the cost would be out
of this world

I'm currently unemployed. I use to be a mathematician but I have an irrational

fear of negative numbers... I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

. I'm in the middle of moving, had a box and a Scrabble game on top of it. I
tripped and the game pieces went everywhere. As I was cleaning them up a dad walks
up and asks me... what's the word on the street?

while a doctor was delivering a baby the soon to be mother yelled out, shouldn't,
couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't! the soon to be father was very confused till the
doctor explained not to worry... those are just contractions.

what do you call a parade of rabbits hoping backwards?

a receding hare-line

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1.50 a pound.
Deer Nuts are under a Buck

Some people say jokes don’t always translate well between text & speech, but I
disagree. I guess it’s as they say… Tomato tomato.

I've started doing crunches twice a day... Captain in the morning, Nestle in the
afternoon

A book just fell on my head, I only have my shelf to blame.

What was the tree’s favorite thing about Star Trek, the captains log

How many oranges grow on a tree? all of them

How do you get down from a tree? you don't, down comes from a duck.

Trying to change my diet, heard alligator meat was low fat and tasty. Bought some
at Whole Foods. Got it home, realized I had no way to cook it...
cause all I have is a croc pot.

My girl asked me to pass her her lip gloss, i passed her a glue stick.... she still
isn't talking to me

English is what happens when vikings learn latin and use it to shout at germans

Did you know parenthood is hereditary. Because if you have kids, chances are, your
parents did too

Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones? Because they couldn't find the Androids
they were looking for!

What do you call a 3 legged cow? Lean Beef

Bard: I polymorph myself into a bird and i fly the cart over the wall.
Party: ***
DM: Rubs their temple, What bird can lift an entire cart?
Bard: a Crane!
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a bit more space

What do you call a stupid fish? A Dumb Bass!

How do pigs clean their feet, they use Ham Sanitizer!

Where is the best place to buy Lightsabers? The Darth Mall, they are half off!

that's way better than Hello Vresh. that guy just sends you a bag of earthworm
munch and a flask of bloodwater

I need to know, is a cow that doesn't give milk a "milk dud" or an "udder failure"
I was such a COWard to share that UDDERly ridiculous joke to MILK for laughs!

Did you hear about the 12 inch high king, he was a great Ruler!.

How are friends like snow? When you pee on them, they disappear.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open Toad!

what's a Canadians favorite letter? A

Have you heard the one about how they picked the name "Canada"?
So, when they were picking the name "Canada," they put all the letters in a hat and
pulled them out. "The first letter is C, eh?" "What's the next letter?" "N, eh?" |
and the next? "D, eh?"

What did aunt Jemima say when she ran out of pancakes? Oh how waffle

why do ice cream cones need an umbrella? in case of sprinkles

why are Americans so bad at war games? cause they lost 2 towers

My wife asked if I've seen the dog bowl? I didn't know he could.

why is dehydration more of a danger than starvation in a desert? because of all the
sand which is there.
I couldn’t get reservations at The Library. They were fully booked

I'm a kleptomaniac. You know sometimes it gets really bad and I have to take
something for it.

the doc told me I was going deaf... the news was hard for me to hear

what generation did Forest Gump belong to? JennAY

my boss calls me "the computer". it has nothing to do with intelligence, I go to

sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

P What does a yellow Pokémon say before teleporting? Abra-cadabra.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

how does a computer get drunk? it takes screen shots

I love Japan but i would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

why can't you trust an Atom? they make up everything

what did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth? "You're going to be
Thor in the morning"

a thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got out of bed to
look with them.

"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent
ones."

I saw Stevie Wonder stub his toe once. You won't believe it, but he flew into a
blind rage.

Did you hear about the radios that got married? The ceremony was okay but the
reception was AMAZING

They say the best day of your life is getting married. But, have you ever had two
KitKat bars fall out of a vending machine?...

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles

How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, its on the house

I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes... so she immediately gave me
a hug.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my
goldfish died

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his
front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometer Cyrus

What do the words "Water", "Wolf" ,and "trapdoor" have in common?

They are all kinds of Spiders!

I said to my wife "when I die, I wanna die having sex". she replied "at least it'll
be a quick death"

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which
period it came from

My dad only knows masturbation jokes. He says they always cum in handy.

I think my parents have a fetish for public sex, especially in elevators. It’s
wrong on so many levels.

A traveling priest stopped in for the night at a local motel. While the
receptionist went over the the tv service the priest said "I know all about your
tvs. Can you make sure the porn is disabled?" The receptionist responded
"Father...that's disgusting. We only have normal porn on our tvs."

my wife said I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying it.

Why are orphans bad at poker? They’ve never had a full house

I want to open a restaurant that specializes in BBQ pork butt. I am going to call
it Butt Stuff. So when women tell their men, "Let's try Butt Stuff." They get all
excited, and then they get disappointed, and then they get happy again, because...
Barbecue.

I thought my friend invited me over for French cuisine, but was surprised when it
was BBQ. Guess we have different ideas about ribbits.

What’s the difference between a walrus and a 19th-century prostitute? One is hairy
and smells like fish, the other is a walrus.
What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always
willing to blow your bonus.

what's the difference between a politician and a carp? one is a scum sucking
bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Got my paper back and my teacher had marked it "Needs colon!!". I miss when they
just told us to shove it directly.

The Lord told John to come forth and he shall have eternal life; but he came in
fifth and got a toaster.

my girlfriend dressed up as a police officer and told me I was arrested for

suspicion of being good in bed. after two minutes, all charges were dropped due to
lack of evidence.

A man went to a zoo. When he got there, there was only one animal - a dog. It was
a Shih Tzu.

why was the scientist arrested at the diner? He was charged with assault

two nuts walk into the bar and one was a salted

What do you call a group of kittens? The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee.

what do you call a pad that thinks? a thinkpad

Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.

What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and
say, Here, fill this out.

What does a Clam do on its birthday? It Shell-ebrates!

-----------------------------------------
A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have
some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The
customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she
reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom
and said "One box of large condoms to register 10."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a
cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the
register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom
and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 10."

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was
way too kewl. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he
thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he
needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked
him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick
squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 10!"
------------------------------------------
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course
involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the
ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a
roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two
of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole
in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again.

Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes
them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag.

He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note

reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a
tack!”
----------------------------------------------

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief
occurred in their town... their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard
that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children... so, she
asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them
individually. / So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a
booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The
boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth
hanging open, wide-eyed. So, the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner
tone, "Where is God!?" / Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD!!!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home,
and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping
for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time... " "God is missing - and
they think WE did it!"

----------------------------------------------

How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke? It becomes a Parent! But puns are
not completely matured until they are fully groan!

A man asked the waiter at a restaurant "do you serve frogs here?" the waiter
replied "yes monsieur we do" the man took a frog out of his pocket and said" great,
my frog would like some soup"

Look at my new shoes. I bought them from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced
them with but i've been trippin all day.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!

P: did you hear about the turtwig that ate 32 rare candies for Halloween. he woke
up feeling Tor-terrible

P: did you hear about the Squirtle evolution party? everybody had a Blast-oise

What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music

Why do monsters not like eating ghosts? They taste like sheet

have you heard about the daring robbery of the police station? they stole all the
toilets and urinals .. when asked the police said they had nothing to GO ON

they often ask me what machine i like to use at the Gym... my response is the
vending machine

two windmills are in a field.. one asks the other what music the other one
likes? ... his response im a BIG metal fan

My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m

surprised.

Today I got in touch with my inner self. No more single ply toilet paper for this
guy!!!

A piece string goes into a bar and asks for a drink. The Bar tender say no. The
next day the string comes back and asks again, the bartender says no again. The
third day the string comes back and asks for a drink. The Bar tender say " I can't,
you're a piece of string". So the piece of string leaves the bar and goes in the
bathroom. He throws himself around, bouncing off walls and twisting himself up. Hw
comes back out to the bar and asks for a drink again. the bartender says no I
can't you're a piece of string. He replies Bro I'm a frayed knot

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar. I said ‘Mimics.’ The party
laughed. The barkeep laughed. The table laughed. We killed the table. Good times.

sex is like a gas station ... sometime you get full service... sometimes you gotta
ask for service.... and some times you have only self service

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The
taste.

how did the hamburger introduce his GirlFriend? "meet patty"

A man goes to a funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the
front and says "Plethora" and sits back down. The widow leans over and whispers
"Thanks, that means a lot."

Whats the difference between pleasure and food? Where you stick the cucumber

What comes after 69? Mouthwash

why don’t ghosts like the rain?????? Because it dampens their spirits

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which comes first.

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? because the P is silent!

Did you hear about the fight at a seafood restaurant? 2 fish got battered!

Why are dwarves such good stone workers? Because they never take anything for
granite.

What are the favorite mechs of Scotland? Highlander and Commando!

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, Honey, I shaved
myself down there. Do you know what that means?The boyfriend says, Yeah, it means
the drain is clogged again

What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The
other’s a great year.

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, I have some
bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating. I don’t understand,
doc, the patient says. Why? Because, the doctor says. I’m trying to examine you.

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? ..he made them an offer they couldnt
understand

Did you hear about the guy who wrote his will on his cock? It wouldn’t stand up in
court.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some
noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife
should be really happy.

I got a new pet termite. I’ve named him Clint EATSwood.

"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?

What does garlic do when it gets hot?" "It takes its cloves off

What did one hat say to the other..

You wait here while I go on ahead..

what does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? a synonym bun

What do you get after boiling a funny bone? A laughing stock.

this morning, over breakfast , it occurred to me that people that are afraid of
clowns don't have a phobia .. they're just ahead of the curve in their distrust of
politicians

Did you hear about the new Origami TV Channel? It never really took off. Maybe
because it was paper view only then
I hear they got in trouble and folded

How do hens stay fit? They always egg-cercise!

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me
down.

Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best dam program I’ve ever
seen.

What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple? Finding half a worm in your Apple.

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years,
but I finished it in 18 months.

did you hear about the giant shipment of Viagra that was stolen? the police don't
know who did it but they're on the search for hardened criminals

did you know diarrhea is hereditary? that's right, it runs in your jeans

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked
out................. No word yet…

I used to have a soap addiction, I'm clean now

I had a dream I was less than a thousandth of a gram,I was like 0mg

every time I take my dog to the park,ducks try to eat him it is my fault for buying
a pure BREAD dog.

I just got some good news that I'd like to share. The bank called to compliment my
money management. They said I had "an outstanding balance"

if the USA would switch from weighing things in pounds to kilo's overnight.. there
would be mass confusion

I walked into work and my boss told me to have a good day........So I turned around
and went home.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.....it's impossible to put down.

I often feel depressed when I don’t play video games, but I always find a way to
console myself.

I applied for a job down at the local diner.....I told them I really bring a lot
to the table.

7 days without a pun. Makes one week.

justICE is a dish best served cold,if it is warm then it is justwater

once upon a time I tried to become a doctor.. but I couldn't find the patients

guy goes to doctor about a pain in his bum, he explain its sore right around the
entrance. the doctor says "well for as long as you keep referring to it as an
entrance it will continue to hurt".

Why did the Snowman have a smile on his face? He saw the Snowblower heading
towards him!

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me

Breaking news: the world tongue-twister champion has been arrested by police! No
details about the arrest have been released, but if rumors are to be believed, the
champ will most likely be given a tough sentence.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet

A couple cows were smoking weed and playing poker. The steaks were high!
The next week they decided to do the same thing in an elevator, the steaks were
raised!

an old woman goes to the doctor and tells him I'm always farting but they make no
sound and they don't smell like anything. the doctor gives her a prescription and
says take this and call me in a week. after the week she comes back in and says
doctor my farts still silent but now they smell horrible. the doctor looks at her
and says "now that we've unclogged your nose we can work on your hearing"

Male bees die after mating. That's their whole life. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

why do we say our nose runs but our feet smell?

if your at a restaurant and are waiting for the waiter does that also make you a
waiter?

Fried chicken and fried eggs are the same thing at different stages of life.

Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby? She was a little horse.

What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet.

If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to
apply daily.

did you know that crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?! most only have 4 though

The wedding was so beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers

So, a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick...just put it on
my bill".

I once had a job at a frozen orange juice canning facility, but i got fired. I
couldn't concentrate.

What do you call a chicken that's always in the middle of a fight? A poultry-in-
motion.

Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side.

Why did the chicken join a band? He wanted to drum up business.

What do you call a chicken that can play the piano? A poultry-tickler.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? a stick.

what do you call zombies in a car? zoombies

What is a zombie's favorite language? Latin, because its a dead language

Why did a person name their dogs, Rolex and Timex? Because they are Watchdogs!

I was remembering when my wife and I were so strapped for cash one month, the
electric company had shut off our lights for a while...sigh...those were some dark
times.

I went to my doctor and he said was losing my hearing.... Im sad that was hard to
hear

why did the mexican take antidepressants ... because of Hispanic attacks

Is the film that is cut to shorten a film can it still be considered cannon or is
it cannon fodder?

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he NEverlands

milk is gud but it could be butter

I had to throw an entire box of animal crackers away. it had no seal

if we are out of crackers are then .... crackalakin?

Have you heard about the new crackers you can see but can’t taste or digest? Yeah.
they’re called HoloGrahams.

i took my dog to the vet for eating a silver dollar or two... no change yet

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? she kept running away from the Ball

Whenever I need energy I always go for Goldfish crackers They’re loaded with carp-
O-hydrates

My girlfriend was eating some cheese and salami on crackers. She accidentally cut
off a very large piece of the Salami. I told her it was a muenster. She just stared
at me flatly so I apologized. I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.
I took the shell off my racing snail to try and make him go faster. Sadly it did
not work, now he's more SLuggish then ever

What do you call an Egyptian back cracker? A Cairo-cracker

my grandma is now on social media and she sent me a bunch of photos... they are
insta-gram...

my vegan friends came over and i made a fo pah, i served animal crackers

Dung beetle walks into a bar..."is this stool taken?"

What do cats like to eat on a hot day? A mice-cream cone!

if a gryffindor is outside are they a gryffoutdor

How do two cats end a fight? They hiss and make up!

What is a cat's favorite movie? The Sound of Mewsic!

What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple!

What do you call a cat who lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

How do cats stop crimes? They call claw enforcement!

How is cat food sold? Usually, purr the can!

How does a cat decide what it wants from the store? It flips through the cat-alog!

Why did the moth go to the dentist?? the light was on

How tall is a spider? 8 Feet!

Why hasn't Mal taken Serenity out in a while? It needs a wash.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours!? Nacho cheese!

what does an overly aggressive pepper do? It gets Jalapeno face

I looked up in the sky when something caught my eye and I thought, "What is
that!?!?" Then in hit me... It was a baseball!

why are there no bars in Old coal towns? Because it's illegal to sell alcohol to
MINERS

Why did the sun never go to college? It already has a million degrees!

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

Why was the astrophysicist digging in the garden? They were looking for worm holes.

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread
it.

i broke up with my vr girlfriend, then i heard my dad crying upstairs "AYO"

Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to dis a brie

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
44.
44 Who?
4D4 psychic damage for listening to this stupid joke!

What is a Magic Skillet made of? Cast Iron!

How many Rogues does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they prefer to work in
the shadows!

How does a Mimic keep in shape? By doing CHEST exercises!

Why did the Ranger start a garden? He wanted to grow some natural 20's!

What do you call a party of all Bards? A BAND of adventurers!

What is a Rogues favorite instrument? The STEEL drum!

What is the Ranger's favorite instrument? The SNARE drum

enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is

riveting.

Did you hear about the Bard that became a Farmer? She can now Turnip the music and
lay down the Beets!

I am doing great. much better than Uncle who drank a can of varnish. He had a
terrible death. But a great finish.

Why do Bards go on adventures? For the LUTE!

How do you make a handkerchief dance? You put a little Boogie into it!

what do you get when you cross an unwilling agnostic, an insomniac and a dyslexic?
someone lying awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

I have a Polish friend who is a sound guy. I have a czech one too.

What do Diapers and politicians have in common, both should be changed frequently
and for the same reason!

A man has a bee in his hand, what is in his eye? Beauty, since Beauty is in the
eye of the beholder (bee holder)

what did the man say to the two wigwams? you are too tents

Wizards don't fart, they cast smells

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet, i don't know Y!

why do crows never get ran over?...... because the ones in the trees always yell
caaaaaaaaaaaar

The first step to being romantic to a D&D player is to ask them on a D8

Why did the Necromancer open a bakery? Because he was poor and wanted to raise some
Dough!

What do i know about Gnomes? Very little!

I'd love to tell you about a Druid girl that only eats plants, but you've probably
never "heard of her before"(herbivore)

Why did the police let the dead battery go? They couldn't find anything to charge
him with.

why did the robot go to jail? He was charged with battery

Do you know what an aggressive pot smoker says when they're angry? "I'm gonna' kill
you! ...later"

I was considering using my Egypt Gold Card, but I realized I'd have a problem with
De Nile.

I had a detective approach me the other day, he said he was looking for a robbery
suspect with one eye... I told him he'd probably find him easier if he looked with
both eyes

Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt? Now he’s a bronze fish.

My wife said i don't buy her flowers enough, i said i didn't even know she sold
flowers

One morning, I was outside trying to catch some fog... I mist.

Why did the miner get fired from his job? He took it for granite...

What do call a dog with egg on it? A Yolkshire Terrier!

why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net

why don't birds make big plans? They prefer to WING IT

I broke up with my gaming console it's now my X-box..... but that's okay it was
time for a Switch

Did you hear about the Lego convention a few years ago? It was a huge event, people
were lined up for blocks

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor said I would be ok, but I
feel like I dyed a bit on the inside

How do you put a baby alien to sleep? You rocket

I broke my finger today but on the other hand I’m completely fine.

What is a pigs, favorite karate move? The pork chop.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

I'm trying to start a chicken dating service. I just can't make hen's meet.

Why do ghosts like the produce section of the grocery store? Because that's where
they keep the boo-nanas!
Did you hear about a site that talks about preparing buckskin? It is called
OnlyTans!

What do you call a knight who’s armor is made out of fine china? Sir ramic

I was writing a book on glue and could not stick to it

I was writing a book on vampires but people said it sucks!

I was writing a book on werewolves but people said it bites!

I was writing a book on the air force it bombed.

I was writing a book on the army and it tanked.

did you know Aesop was a big mushroom enthusiast? Every one of his stories had a
morel

I started to write a book on the police and they stopped me.

seen on a sign.. Good news: Made it to my golden years, Bad news: Ain't no gold

I was writing a book on LBJ... people thought it was going to be a Spanish book
about blow jobs

I tell everyone that I was going to make a joke book, they all laugh so that will
be the first joke.

I wrote a book about a bear it was wild

I wrote a book about a dog it was pretty tame.

Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

What do you call a bunch of wrist watches fastened together into a belt? A waste
of time!

P: What do you call a scout that likes to chew gum while climbing Pikes Peak? A: A
Peak-A-Chewer!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

P: What’s Pikachu’s favorite song? The Hokey Pokemon.

what do you call a cat in the rockys? a meowntain lion

how do Minecraft players celebrate......... They throw block parties!

I sold my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust

what do you call a Bear without the Bee? EAR!

Where do they keep the conspiracy books at the library? they're right behind you!

"i'm just bringing back some logs but now I'm stumped"

did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma... there's no menu you get what
you deserve....

what did one DNA say to the other DNA? do these genes make me look fat

what starts with N and ends with G? Nothing

I've been trying to decide the most horrifying part of the alphabet, but its hard
because I can't get past A Bee sea.

why are piggy banks so wise? because they're filled with common cents

I can't wait for that new Star wars / Pokemon crossover movie. I'm really looking
forward to seeing Pyukumuku Skywalker and Wobba Fett

If a vegetarian eats vegetables .... why isnt a cannibal called a humanitarian????

Why was the gay pirate always getting chased? Everyone knew he had a little
booty...

What do you call a magician that is good at cooking? A Saucerer!

I learned there are no mom tarts but there is poptarts..... i think its because of
the pastriearchy

I asked my mananger if they remember thier first building being burned down. and i
was surprised they dont even have a first .

Steel yourselves! This next one's gonna Rock!

Water you idiots doing over there
wonder when it'll start Bugging out on us
Your GROUNDed!
Oh sorry, didnt mean to steel your thunder!

did you know that hobbits were almost never salaried employees? They were usually
work for 'shire'

Why are bees hair so sticky? Because they use a honeycomb

What do you call a zombie that never laughs? Dead serious

What does a gargoyle say when it sneezes? Stat Choo!

What do you call a lazy hamburger ? Meat-loafer

P: So a Bard walks into a music store, and sees a Jedi behind the counter. He asked
the Jedi if he has any stringed instruments with his favorite dark type Pokemon on
it. The Jedi looks at him, and says sadly "Only a Sith deals in ABSOL LUTES"

a dyslexic man walks into a bra

P: Stop playing with Poison Pokemon if you are Koffing too much! :)
P: Yea he is Koffing too much, if nothing is done he will start Weezing

P: how do u get Pikachu on a bus? you pok-em-on

How do you wake lady gaga up? You pok-er face

If corn oil is made of corn, and vegetable oil is made of vegetables, then what is
Baby oil made from? I want to know! :)
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack!

Why did Befallen get kicked out of the army? Because it had "fallen arches"

What Instrument does the turkey play??? DRUMS !!!

Why didn't the Turkey eat dessert this year ??? HE WAS STUFFED !!!

why did the Turkey cross the road TWICE??? To Prove he wasn't CHICKEN

Where do turkeys go to dance? Turkeys go to the ButterBall!

why isn't there a pregnant barbie? because ken came in a different box

For my job I was asked if I've ever committed acts of air piracy. I said no, just
the usual kind.

What is it called when an Aussie holidays in the UK? Returning to the scene of
the crime

a streaker was seen in central park today NY city police gave a brief chase in
boxers!

How do you know it's raining cats and dogs? when you go outside a step on a
poodle.... Wanna know what's worse then raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis

just saw on the news Dr Jekkel has been missing for nearly a month .... no one has
see Hyde nor heard from him for 3 weeks

Why does Han Solo like gum? Its a little chewy

What do you get if you cross an elephant and rhino? Hellifiknow!

why is being a pirate so addictive? because when you lose a hand you get hooked!!!!

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets

With Christmas coming up

I've been searching for the perfect gift... I finally found it! A broken drum!!!
Nobody can beat that!

why don't crabs give to charity? because they're shellfish

Why did the kid eat his homework? Cuz the the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap
opera.

What do you call a British Spy in a bathtub? Bubble 07!

What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry? 58!

What is a Zombies favorite band? The Grateful Dead!

My zombie joined a band, he played bass for Rob Zombie.

What's the scariest plant in the forest? Bam-BOO!

what did the klingon say to the flight attendant. "today is a good day to fly"

what did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? I'm still waiting to find out what
Yoda said when he saw himself in 4k! Me too. Shame we'll never know.

did you know that some Flan float on water? They're Flanbouyant

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

P: Have you heard about the Cleffa postman? His name is Cleffa Claven!

P: What do you call a low fat Pokemon? Butterfree

What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper?

Hes a fizzician....

you wonder why sqirrels like you... could be you are a bit nutty?

Ever heard of Quiet Tennis? It's like regular tennis, just without the Racket

why do they call high school highscool? because kids are high all the time

What do you call a gnat with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.

What do Frogloks use to track their exercise? A fit(rib)bit.

yesterday I saw a TV for sale, it said $1, volume stuck on max setting. and I said
to myself "I cant turn that down"

apparently 5 out of 4 people are bad at fractions

how do you make a politician taller? GIVE EM VIAGRA!

"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?" Answer: 'Because they are very
good at it'

What is a Skeletons favorite instrument? A Xylobone!

A piece of string gets kicked out of a bar so he ties himself up and messes his
hair and walks back inside. The bartender says hey aren't you that same piece of
string I just kicked out a little while ago, and he says back "no, I'm a frayed
knot"

You hear about the milk that was thrown out of a toy store for a tantrum.
Apparently it was spoiled

A group of trolls is called a 'chat'

What do you call a group of trolls? Chat! or A reddit of trolls

If a kid refuses to go to sleep when told. Does that mean he is resisting A Rest!

Why do they give carrots to sailors? To help them Sea better!

My girlfriend broke up with me... so I stole her wheel chair. GUESS who came
crawling back!

Why do tennis players make bad partners? Because love means nothing
Do you know what they call a group of people singing about condoms? A Rubber Band!

I'd be the type to tell a girl it's muggy outside and silently sip coffee from a
bowl as she sees I took all the coffee mugs outside

"I used to be a cheesy, hopeless romantic. Then I hit the gym. Now I'm a shredded-
cheesy, hopeless romantic"

Sometimes I feel like a car being driven by a blind guy, because I'm always steered
wrong

Do photographers always see the bigger picture in life?

Read an article about sticking a fork in a wall circuit, but I figured out it was
just a click bait when it said "What happens next will shock you!"

I thought I was dying the other day as I walked towards the light, then I realized
I'd forgotten to put on my glasses when I ran head first into the lamp

If a wizard casts fireball and had a wonderful pitching arm, does that technically
make them a flamethrower?

Knives, were they animated, would make excellent reconnaissance or scouts. They'd
always stay sharp

I used to do research on nitric oxide. At a conference the keynote speaker joked

"what part of NO don't you understand?"

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved!

I was talking to someone but couldn't hear anything, so I went down a few floors
and said "Sorry, I couldn't hear you with my head in the clouds"

A man robbed a bank today in downtown Memphis. What appalled the police the most
was that he was covered in mirrors. When arrested, police say he had a change of
heart and asked to be seated so he could have a moment to reflect.

I wish there was a setting on the TV where you could turn up the intelligence.
There's a "brightness" but it doesn't do that..

Hey guys guess where I learned you get to go in a hospital in a peekaboo accident.
The ICU!

Why is the Pillsbury Dough Boy always laughing, because hes always baked

My sister hates playing Battleships with me. She claims I get too philosophical
when asking "2B, or not 2B?"

Fun fact: my high school math teacher met her husband in college and dated him
because he said that she reminded her of angles less that 90°, because she sure was
acute-y and she happened to be a math major

I got interviewed on TV last week, but contrary to the lit up sign behind the
interviewer, I didn't feel like I was walking "On Air"

I was interviewed for a TV show once, but apparently the really edit the Aired
portions of "COPS" down...
NGL, a Pirate's favorite letter should be "of Marquee"

In today's news, a man died after an avalanche of strawberries, cherries,

blackberries, and blueberries covered him. Cops say he was berried alive

Did you hear about the blind carpenter? He opened his toolbox and took out a hammer
and saw..

You know why the Jolly Green 💚 Giant went, "Ho, ho, ho"? The Sprout tickled his
balls

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot

worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he
means well.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

In Britain, people use a "lift" to reach the upper floors. In North America, it's
called an "elevator." Which goes to show: we're all brought up differently.

My sister called a piano tuner the other day when I told her we were having
seafood. When I asked why, especially since we don't own any pianos, she said it
was because she wanted tune-a fish.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell'
prize.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk

Why was the tomato red? Because it saw the salad dressing

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm wanted for 14 home invasions between the years
of 2021 and 2022

I used to go on the train to sell pens, pencils, and notebooks. But the conductor
stopped me. Says those products shouldn't be sold on a moving train. They should be
sold in a stationery store.

Do you know why buffalo wings have gotten so expensive? because you have to feed
the buffalo Red Bull.

What did the horse say when it tripped? Help, i've fallen and can't Giddy-up

What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain

How do you make an egg roll? you push it!

I got invited to a pool party with some Italian friends, mostly because I heard
that there would be a Jacuzzi. Little did I know there would be members of the
Italian mafia there, now I'm awkwardly in hot water with the Mafia.

I ordered some canned meat online and they told me to keep checking my email to
track the progress. It was Spam

A local school bus was in a car crash today with a semi hauling thesauruses. The
students were not harmed, but they claim to be alarmed, dismayed, bewildered,
frightened, terrified, flabbergasted, astonished.
Dad, did you get a hair cut? No, i got them all cut!

Did you hear about the guy that Froze to Death at the Drive in? He went to see
Closed for the Winter!

Where do boats go when sick? To the boat Dock!

What do you call a cold canine? A chilly dog!

What is stronger than family? The tree Paul Walker hit.

I went into Burger King today, the woman serving had a badge on her left breast
that said Pat. ................ To cut a long story short I am now banned from
Burger King.

apparently miniature ovens can emit microagressions towards their owners. But it
usually comes in Micro-waves

What is a Leprechauns favorite food? Paddy Cakes

why do people rob the dead? because of crypt-o currency

What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolker!

What’s a chicken’s favorite school subject? Egg-onomics

what is yodas last name?? layheehoo

A plane transferring pets across country lost luggage today. Imagine my face when
my mom wasn't joking that it was raining cats and dogs...

If Tom is short for Thomas and Mike is short for Michael, what's Luke short for? A
stormtrooper!

Lighting a gasleak on fire and denying it ever happened is sometimes called denial,
but now days it's called gaslighting

What's the internal temperature of a taun-taun? Luke Warm!

Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder

most fowl.

Do you know why Irish mums put 239 beans in chili? Because one more and it would be
too farty (two forty).

What is the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? A live stream.

I tried asking this guy his streaming name, but he just kept telling me "thank you"
in French.

why banks break? they can’t hold stock!

I overcome my pessimistic world view by always keeping my glass of wine full

The only reason I took that algebra course was because they told me there would be
free pi. I want a refund

I'm not much into the e-clipse, rather see the real clipse.
What do you call a snowman with a 6 pack? An abdominal snowman!

What do you call an old snowman? Water...

How do you tell the difference between snow men and snow women? Snowballs

When I was a baker I used to make a certain kinda cookie. Cowboy and cowgirl
cookies. Cowgirl cookies had no nuts.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up late to dinner? The cold shoulder

What do you call an ad for fireworks? a sparkplug

if you work on a farm and take care of chickens… does that make you a chicken
tender?

What do you call a crying snowman? Having a meltdown

A screwdriver rolls into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named
after you!” The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip"?

I used to believe sticks and stone could break my bones but words could never hurt
me... but then I got smacked with a dictionary

There was a 20th lvl Barbarian who fell in love with a wight. All he could say was
"Where are all the wight women at?"

what do you get when you come across a homeless man with a goat? A weed eater that
doesnt work

What genre are national anthems? Country.

I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish........... My stomach couldn’t handle
that kind of ab use.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I had to ground him. He's doing
better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

Jesus Christ walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper three nails and says "Hey,
can you put me up for the night?"

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his
two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup,
his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him
over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two
assholes.'"

My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

I tried water polo once but my horse drowned.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to
when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C
to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the
car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and
they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've
observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't
had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.
Dad "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest
baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down,
fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man
says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him
Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

How do the Reavers clean their spears? They put them in the Wash.

----------------------------
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.

He tells you his name is Terry.

You laugh and tell him 'That's a girl's name!'

Terry shoots you. You have died from dissin' terry.

---------------------------

Heard that a detective kept wearing an eye patch for privacy. Apparently he wanted
to protect his private eye

Can Vegetarian be successful at a MEATting?

I'd tell you a birthday joke - but it's getting old

What has towns but no houses, forests but no trees and rivers but no water? A Map

The more of me there is, the less you see. What am I? Darkness

What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu
you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.

I asked my dad if we are pyromaniacs. He said yes, we arson

Lizard on the loose! It’s a reptile dysfunction!

How do you make a lizard excited about school? Get him a tail-or-made backpack.

What is a vampires least favorite foods? Steak and eggs sunny side up!

I can’t tell if I like my new blender… It keeps giving me mixed results.

I was gonna make a joke about procrastination, but It can wait.

I recently joined a dating app for arsonists. I got a match straight away

Someone commented on my driving today. They left a note "parking fine"

Would a space chicken have an Eggsosuit?

Be wary of ghost chickens, otherwise known as Poultrygeists.

Somebody once said that they could count on me. Then they used me like an Abacus
:O

One asteroid worm to another "I really love these Millennium Falcons. Crunchy on
the outside, Chewie on the inside..."

Why do pirates prefer blunt swords? Because they Cut-less...

A lot of sea-going thieves only get 3.14 Doubloons an hour, because this is their
"PI-Rate"...

Some are even cheaper as they only cost a "Buck an ear..."

What is a rats favorite place to drink? A Squeak Easy!

What is a Bees favorite restaurant? Dave & BUZZters!

Where does Lae'zel store her code? GithHub

Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So when they
come back to port they can Scandinavian

The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his
size from eating too much pi.

It's difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy. You use Spring Water

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog? Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.

a piece of bacon walks into a pub. the bartender told him he had to leave. they
don’t serve breakfast

I walked past a tree with strips of bacon hanging off it, I thought "That's
cool"... as I walked away it grabbed me and started beating me up... It wasn't a
Bacon Tree, it was a Ham Bush
A duo of armed robbers held up a pharmacy and made off with all the Viagra, but
their faces were caught on camera. Police advised the public to keep an eye out for
these “hardened” criminals

Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars Police have been working
tirelessly to find the culprit

"Did you hear about the soda that's a tribute to 8 and 16-bit games? It's called
"Sprite"

An Elevator operators job is never stable.. it has it's ups and downs..

don’t ask about vacuum cleaners. they collect dirt on everything

A friend of mine recently started work at a shoe recycling factory but they quit
the next day - they said it was “sole” destroying

What do you call a falcon born in the 1980s and mid-1990s? A Millennial Falcon

2 fish in a tank... one fish turns to the other and says "Any idea how to drive
this thing?"

Did you hear the one about the human cannonball that was hired and fired in the
same day?

Do you know why Darth Vader was referred to as Lord Vader? It's because all of the
storm troopers giggled when he was referred to as Master Vader

two cows out in a field. one says to the other” are you afraid of mad cow disease
“. the other said “no” the first one said “why not” the other one said “because I’m
a duck”

Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-
ha.

Spring is here! I got so excited that I wet my plants.

What do you call a giant rodent that works at a coffee shop? A cappy-barista

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

How do druids travel between the past and future? Thyme Travel

I tried calling the tinnitus hotline, but it just kept ringing

I heard they are making a movie about constipation, but it hasn't come out yet

my clock is hungry a lot! it won't stay set!

P: Why do you never change your outfit in pokemon world?....... because the pokemon
peek-at-you!

You know what they call The Hunger Games in France? *Battle Royale With Cheese*.

What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher

Never trust a Train. They have loco motives

To the person that stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts
What is a computer’s first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

What subject do cats like best in school? Hiss-tory

Why should you never throw grandpa’s false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture
car.

X: what's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an
enzyme, but you can hear a Hormone!

My wife and i were having an arguement about medieval soldiers, but it was getting
late, so we called it a Knight!

I didn't know Sylvester Stallone was on his third marriage. I guess the first one
was Rocky! His second one was Rocky too!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!

I was so angry that i threw my keyboard against the wall and the parts went every
where. That's when the shift hit the fan!

I was feeling depressed, so my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth".
That meant the world to me!

So this harp went to a psychiatrist & said:

"Help me doc, I think I'm a guitar!!!!!"
The doctor looked at him & said:
"Well, I can tell you one thing....your a lyre!!!!

A good pun is its own reword

what type of music do planets sing? NepTunes!

Why did the sun go to school? Because he wanted to get brighter

My phone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some

pretty good footage.

The best way for a busy roleplayer to get their daily exercises is to: JUMP to
conclusions, RUN OFF at the mouth and LEAP before looking

If Romania was Hungary, we should have given them Turkey.

Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood

Why does an Italian tank have a rear view mirror? So that they can see the enemy

a man walks into a bar holding a slab of asphalt. he says to the bartender "2 beers
please. one for me and one for the road."

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in
person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

What is a Ducks favorite food? Quacker Jacks!

What is the favorite rock band of Sheep? Sheep Trick!

What state is known for kids with drinking problems? Miss His Sippy!
how do you say constipated in german??? Farfrompooopin

why shouldn't you fart in an apple store? because it doesn't have windows

Dad when you were young, did you pick your nose? No Son, i was born with it!

At work today my boss told me i cant act like the karate kid any more ...i had to
put my foot down.

guy goes past a roadside stall, sees and buys a skull labeled as belonging to a
very famous chief... driving back passes the stall, a skull of the same very famous
chief "hey! that one's smaller than the one I have"... - yeah bro, this one was
from when he was younger

what did the bull say to his son when he was leaving for school? bison

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion? At a
hockey game you see fast pucks.

A fighter, a cleric, a wizard, and a bard walk into a bar.

The fighter says "I can kill a man in one round."
The cleric says "I can kill a man in half a round."
The wizard says "I can kill a man before the round even starts."
And the bard says "I can get three idiots to kill people for me."

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo)?
Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
However, she is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo,
I.C.U.

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?

Because it soots him !

A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says “How did you do that??”

when i threw my keyboard the keys went everywhere. i found them all except for one
key. it sucks that i lost CTRL

i went to a shotgun wedding last week and it got real serious, it was WIFE or
death

GM: You enter the pub. Player: looking around, what do we see? GM: An ordinary
assortment of pub customers, but there is what looks to be a fighter drinking
heavily in the corner. Player: Describe him? GM: Rough, heavily muscled. Player:
Equipment? GM: He's carrying a broadsword and wearing plot armor. Player: Plot
armor??!! We introduce ourselves to the fighter

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in
captivity.

What does the dog say to the horse when it looks sad? Why the Long Face!

I recently came into a lot of money. Which is strange for me, because I usually
just use a paper towel...

who's the most popular member at a nudist meeting? The guy who brings a dozen
doughnuts...

"who's the most popular member at a nudist meeting?" the guy who can carry a cup of
coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

what did they say about the man who lost his limbs and his face? nobody nose

Why do male ants float better than female ants? Because they are more buoy-ant.

If a old person and a baby are infront of your car what do you hit?
The Brake!

what’s more painful a kick in the nuts or childbirth? ask your self does anyone
ever ask for another kick in the nuts

why don’t psychic do reading in bathrooms? bcuz shit happens

I like to make vegan jokes myself, but never tofu jokes. That's just tasteless

Who is Frosty's favorite aunt? Aunt Arctica.

What bites but doesn’t have teeth? Frost.

What kind of math do Snowy Owls do best? Owlgebra.

How does a North Pole carpenter fix something broken? Igloos it together.

Why did Princess Elsa fall off her sled? She let it go.

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.

I was having a rough night last night I was looking in the mirror and I told my
wife 'Honey, I'm having a hard time and I need you to tell me something good about
me, as I look in this mirror all I see is a fat, balding old man' So she told me my
eye sight was 20/20.

why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians straight?
because rock beats scissor

Did you here about the guy that tried to eat a train? After breaking his teeth, he
said "Never bite off more than you can choo choo"

What kind of plant should you always lookout for? An amBush!

How do you trashtalk your opponent on Hoth? With tauntaunts

Did you hear about how Han cut into a tauntaun's stomach and put his friend inside?
It was a gutsy move!

Did you know the internal temp of a tauntaun is Luke warm?

If he loses a hand, can he get it bacta?

Why doesn't Han ever let Chewie fly the Millenium Falcon alone while he takes a
nap? Come on, everyone knows you shouldn't let Wookie pilots fly Solo.
How cold was Skywalker after spending a night in the tauntaun? Actually, he was
Lukewarm.

Did you hear about that droid who got really angry? Yeah, he was C3P-Oed.

Did you hear about the Ewok that got covered in tree sap? Yeah, it was a real
sticky Wicket.

I spent all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot!

Why can't you have an all chicken football team?? There would be too many fowls

What do you call an alligator in a vest? AN investigator

If a werewolf bites a cottage, does it become a werehouse?

People say that circumcision doesn't hurt, but I disagree.............. I was

circumcised when I was born and l couldn't walk for over a year.

How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.

What do you call a group of bards, all wearing plate armor? A Heavy metal band.

Why is Saskatchewan so windy? Because Manitoba sucks and Alberta blows

what starts with T ends with T and is full of T? TeapoT

Why was the math book so sad? Because it was full of problems!

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually
mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

What kind of clothes do houses wear? Address!

did i tell you about my neices horse she named Mayo? i ask why she said because
Mayo neighs

What kind of car does a sheep drive? a LAMBorghini

Bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called Mommas and Papas. Can't
eat it because all the leaves are brown

Why did the cat wear a fancy dress? Because she feline fine!

What do you call a bunny with fleas?? Bugs bunny

What does a clock do when it is hungry? It goes back four seconds!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me!

What do you get if you cross 27 knives and a pizza? Little Caesars.

a magician was performing a trick and said i will disappear and counted UNO.....
DOS he pooffed and was gone without a tres

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar the bartender ask “What are you
having?” The rabbit says “I don’t know. I’m only here because of stupid auto
correct.”

What's it called when you put jalapeños on Hawaiian Pizza? A Pearl Harbour

Why do rogues wear leather? Because it's made of Hide

What kind of Motorcycle Does Santa Drive? A Holly Davidson

If I had a delorean I'd only drive it from time to time

why cant you take little girls to pirate movies? because it rated arrrr

I went to on a hike in the local nature preserve near my home when i suddenly was
bit by a wolf.. i luckily got away and went to my doctor i explained I was bitten
by a wolf he said " where?" i said "no just a regular one"

why are pirates so good at singing? they can always hit the high Cs

There is a kingdom of bears, all the way up north where it's winter all year long.
It's called High Bear Nation.

Times are dire, the economy is going in the red, people get in debt and can't even
afford to date anymore.
It's the loan-liness epidemics.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said
"Not you again".

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

The Ultimate in Suicide Counseling – bet she changed her mind

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump
off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Bugger off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

I had an old man at work today ask me what a cow is called after it gives birth?
decalfenated

I can't stand Russian nesting dolls! They are full of themselves

Did you hear about the guy that tried to use a Wasteland on his opponent's Strip
Mine? He discovered a Mine is a terrible thing to Waste.

Why are the Kor always in a good mood? Because they are no-mads

Fun fact: Alexander the great and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name

I installed new white boards at work and the boss said thank you. i said no
problem.. he gave me a thumbs up and said its RE-Markable

have you heard about the secure messaging app for knife sharpeners? WhetsApp
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring
all the boos.

Back in the day, we had Empires run by Emperors, then we had Kingdoms run by
Kings....now all we have are Countries....

What do you call it when a helldiver lies in the name of democracy, a fiberty

We went into the woods to find a headless horseman , unfortunately what we found
was a headless whore man who's policy was no bjs

Dad jokes leave me numb but math jokes leave me number.

I’m petrified about today’s science news. Genetically modifying crabs to have
cheetah genes? This could go sideways fast.

Vegetarians and vegans are cruel! I mean, a pig can run away, but what about a
salad like this?

Vegan food is delicious! All you have to do is add minced meat and cream - and then
gratinate the whole thing with cheese.

What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A Hippo is heavy but a Zippo
is a little lighter!

What is faster lightning or light? Diarrhea because I sped home as fast as

lightning and turned on the light and than pooped myself....

what came first the chicken or the egg?............... the chicken have you ever
try to get an egg to come?

Had a dream about work so when I woke up I called in sick. Wasn't about to work
twice in 1 day

what do you call a mushroom that farts a lot? a FunGAS

why is the mushroom the life of the party? Because he is a funGUY

Went to my doctor he said i wasn't eating enough greens.. so on my way home i got a
2 gallon tub of pistachio ice cream

what do the twin towers and sexes have in common? when we were kids, there were 2.

what's the diffence between disney+ and pornhub? disney+ wants you to hate your
stepmother.

What do you call an elderly dog who lost it's dentures? All Bark & no Bite!

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors
are marooned

I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher

I saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?

What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.
Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar the bartender ask “What are you
having?” The rabbit says “I don’t know. I’m only here because of stupid auto
carrot.”

i just thought about the guy that got too high and called the cops.. they found
him in a pile of doritos and junk food

So, I have this friend, he has sex at least two or three times a week, he works out
every day, and he reads about two books a week... and all he does is complain about
being in prison

Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter. Doctor: I don't follow
you.

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

An old joke about the worker who fell into vat of beer and, er, unalived. As they
were explaining this to his grieving widow, she asked "Did he at least go quickly".
"No," she was told, "it took a while. He got out three times to use the restroom".

It's difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your
Lives! They're Loose! :)

Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let
one of you go! :)

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum,

the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom"
(FUK).
In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum,
Liberal Democrats have now begun to campaign with the slogan "Vote NO, for FUK's
sake"

two blondes walk into a bar. you'd think one of them would have seen it

Name the 2 days of the week that start with T? Today and Tomorrow! How many
seconds are in a year? 12! What is Gods first name? Andy, they sing about in
Church, Andy walks with me, Andy Talks with me! :)

Did you hear about that criminal who would sleep with his cocaine? he was a drug
snuggler!!

I don't like lakes very much... they are full of themselves

Have you seen the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet!

Can you name anyone who can drink 5 litres of gasoline without throwing up because
my mate Jerry can

The Crypttroll has created a vicious #troll that is unaffected by metal weapons.
He's a Non Ferrous Troll, or an "N F T".
You know, with self-driving trucks coming out, it’s only a matter of time before
country songs hit a whole new level. Like, forget the dog leaving, forget the wife
leaving—now it’s: ‘My truck left me too…

If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

how do you find the blind guy in the nudist colony? it's not hard

What letter holds the most Water? C!

what happens after you eat alphabet soup? You have a vowel movement!

Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

what does an old piece of candy always need handy ??? a candy cane !!!

Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced? Because it had GRATER plans.

What dog is always sad? A melan-collie.

What do you call a mythical cheese? Legen-dairy!

What is a ghost's favorite dessert? Ice Scream

What is a cats favourite ice cream Mice cream

Why do lawyers always go to Japanese restaurants? They love to eat SUE-shi!

What animal dresses the most fashionably? A Hip-po!

Why are ghosts always in trouble? Because they are in a Grave situation!

How do automobiles fly? By Car-go plane!

What do you call an ant who fights crime? a vigilANTe!

What do you call bears with no ears? B_

What do sheep love to spread on crackers? Goat Cheese

What day never takes itself seriously? April Fools Day!

Which part of a tree makes the biggest decisions? The Judicial Branch!

I am banned from Burger King. They had a sign that said "Wet Floor", so I did.

Who is stronger Man or Woman?

Women! It takes 6 men to put a man into the grave, but only 1 woman can do it! :)

doctor, i touch my feet and hurt me, i touch my stomach and hurt me, i touch my ear
and hurt me. what i have?! - you have a broken finger.

Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.

What food is never allowed on the Titanic? Iceberg Lettuce

What did the robot want for Christmas? Missile Toes