Valentín Andrés Álvarez

TARARÍ 1

(1929)

Comic farce in two acts and an epilogue

In "Spanish Theatrical Vanguard" Ed. Biblioteca Nueva, 2006

CHARACTERS

The. DIRECTOR OF THE ASYLUM

DON PACO, CRAZY

The ADMINISTRATOR

THE GOALKEEPER

THE QUEUE MAN

VIGILANTE1

VIGILANTE2

LOCO 1

LOCO 2

LOCO 3

LOCO 4

LOCO 5

THE VISITOR

THE NOTARY

The Lady

The young lady

THE COMMISSIONER

Crazy, SANE AND POLICE OFFICERS

Action anywhere and at any time.

ACT ONE

The garden of a mental asylum. In the background, a pavilion with a door

practicable. First of all, on the left, a large tree; on the right,
a stone bench or garden canapé conveniently distributed by
the scene several wicker or iron chairs, suitable for being outdoors. The
garden gate, which is supposed to also be the entrance to the establishment
to the left. Perhaps it is advisable that the building, the seats, and the trees,
its shape, styling, and colorfulness produce a vague feeling of
unreality.

As the curtain rises, the WATCHMAN will be seen (about twenty years old, cap
in uniform, adorned with a braid) sitting, reading a newspaper. By the
background, to the left, several crazy people pass by, who will enter later in
scene. As they are under the inspection of the WATCHER, he will interrupt.
frequently reading to observe them. Other employees of the Asylum
they also monitor.)

VIGILANTE 1 (Addressing the Crazy ones.). — Hey!...

Hey!... Get down from there right now!...(A little silence.)
If I see him climb a tree again, I will take him to lock him up.
cell. (Starts reading again, without neglecting his watch) Hey!... Hey!...
Come here right now. (After a pause, the Madman enters.)

LOCO 1.—But... why can't I climb the trees?

Let's see!

VIGILANTE.—Man... because it does not suit you well. What for

where does that obsession come from?

LOCO 1.—It's just that I want to graft myself onto a tree.

VIGILANTE.—Man!

LOCO 1.—Yes. As if I had an original talent and de-

dido me han encerrado aquí, quiero que mis hijos salgan injertos en
cork oak so that they can alternate with sensible men
like you.

VIGILANTE.—Well; let's stop joking.

LOCO 1.—What!... But I'm being very serious... Ah... come on!
You were the one joking. I thought so... So, how much do I owe you?
he said it was a joke..., I'm going back to the tree again.

VIGILANTE. (Holding him).—Come here. Stay still there.

the ADMINISTRATOR through the back door.)

ADMINISTRATOR. — Good morning.

VIGILANTE.—Good morning, Mr. Administrator.

ADMINISTRATOR .—They just notified that at any moment...

another madman will arrive at the Sanatorium. Go tell the Doorman.
so that he is forewarned.

VIGILANTE.—At the moment. (Exits.)

LOCO 1 (Approaches the ADMINISTRATOR with much mystery and says)

She whispers in my ear.)—I am going to climb that tree. Don't say anything to the
another... huh?

ADMINISTRATOR: As you move from there...

LOCO 1.—If it's a matter of a moment. You will see, in this...

Guide, I am back.

ADMINISTRATOR (Raising the tone). —That you be

quiet, I say.

LOCO 1.—If the thing is not important. Besides, I do it.

wonderfully. You will see... you will see...(Tries to leave.)

ADMINISTRATOR.—What stubbornness! Right here, right now.

takes by the arm, violently drags him to the stone bench and
Sit there brutally. You do not disobey me. (He stands up)
Loco 1 and the ADMINISTRATOR seats him again with a strong blow.
against the bank.) Will you end up being convinced?

LOCO I (Rising broken.).—I have finished...

you presented with a clarity that has left me...(Putting your hand
in a hip, stretching the arms and legs and making gestures of
suffering.)... completely convinced...(He now touches his chest, the
and the sides.) But... convinced on all sides.

ADMINISTRATOR (Regretful of his brutality). —Have I...

What damage? I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry.

LOCO 1.—So you feel it?

ADMINISTRATOR .—Yes, sir, yes. It hurts a lot...

LOCO 1.—Yes?... And where does it hurt?

ADMINISTRATOR.—I am very sorry...

LOCO 1.—Ah... come on... it's courtesy!... So now

I still have to thank you...(Still upset about the
.) You are very kind... but very kind...(In pain.) I am
Pleased to meet you. (The GUARD enters. The ADMINISTRATOR speaks with him)
a moment and then it goes off into the background.

VIGILANTE (ALLOCOI). —Are you still here?

Go away, man, go to your place. (DON PACO enters.)

VIGILANTE 1.—Good morning.

DON PACO2—May you have a very good day, Mr. Watchman...

Annoyed?

VIGILANTE.—No, sir, no. On the contrary, you can sit down.

Here if you want. You already know that you are appreciated.

DON PACO.—Do you appreciate me... or do you pity me? Well...

What does it matter! I also care about you a lot.
 VIGILANTE.— Is it also because you pity me?

DON PACO.—Naturally. Much more than you to me.

VIGILANTE.—And why, Mr. Paco?

DON PACO.—Oh! It makes me so sad to see you... To consider that

being so young they have him already locked up in this house..., like me.

VIGILANTE.—Why do they have me locked up here? Ha, ha, ha.

DON PACO.—Laugh, chicken, laugh; but don't get so cocky.

which allows him to go out sometimes. Let's see, how many days does he have
Are you free this month?

VIGILANTE.—Two. Like all the employees of this house.

DON PACO.—Two days off a month, twenty-four a year; each

Three hundred sixty-five days you are only free twenty-four.
saying "three hundred" will extend my arms, and when I say "twenty-four" I will point.
the tip of the finger.) You only enjoy a small fraction of
freedom that does not reach six percent. As you see, there is no reason to
pity me a lot. Six-hundredths of freedom! The thing does not
It's for showing off so much.

VIGILANTE.—But, Don Paco, no one forces me to...

DON PACO.—How deceived you are! Do you have income?

VIGILANTE.—No, sir. How I wish I could!

DON PACO.—Nor any other means of earning a living,

Who is this to watch over us?

VIGILANTE.—That's right...

DON PACO.—And does it seem like little slavery to you?... In short

accounts: we are locked in here because of this...
(Points to the head.) And you of this...(Points to the stomach.) Total, buddy.
 VIGILANTE.-—But it is very different...

DON PACO.—Yes, very different, because we have

hopes of leaving here someday and there is no one who can take you out.
On the side of the goal, several short and consecutive doorbell rings are heard.
as indicating urgency.)

GUARD.—I'm coming, I'm coming. The new one should have arrived already.
pupil. Goodbye, Don Paco. (He goes away.)

DON PACO.—Goodbye, wretched one! (DON PACO stays alone, walking-

He spends a few moments on the scene. Then he goes to where his ...
companions, when you see the GOALKEEPER, the LOQUACIOUS one, and the GUARD,
which bring the Madman 2, holding him by each arm. The DOORMAN
he will bring the straitjacket hanging from one shoulder.) (The Crazy 2 struggles with
those who take him, pulling back.)

Crazy 2.—I’m not going in... I’m not going in...(They arrive at the center of the
I won't go past here.

LOQUERO (Inviting him to keep walking.). —Come on, be reasonable.

nable.

Loco 2.—I have my reason, just as you have yours. If I

I say incoherencies and do nonsense, you say silly things.
They are making nonsense. So we are done for.

LOQUERO (Explanatory and conciliatory).—Pay attention... Pay attention to what...

what am I going to tell him...

Loco 2.—It's useless; their arguments are not going to convince me.

DOORMAN (Pushing him violently).—Get moving!

Loco 2. —That argument convinces me more... Now that

I also know how to reason. (With two blows, he takes down two GUARDS. Fight)
with the others and seizes the straitjacket that he has in his hands
DOORMAN.)(More GUARDS and other Crazies come out.) Comrades... to me!
The power to contain the emblem of reason is now ours.3. Defen-
Let's give it to them, like a battle flag. To them, comrades!

LOQUERO.—Now you'll see.(They attack him TheMadman 2 holds)

holding the straitjacket high like a banner.

Leave him.

LOCO 2.—To me, comrades!...

LOCO 3.—Let's defend him!...

ANOTHER TALKER.—Hey! What is this?... (Crazy Fighters against

SPEAKERS, until these last ones are reduced and gagged. The
Loco 1 has put the DOORMAN in a straitjacket. The Madmen have...
powerful of the ropes that the LOQUEROS carried.)

CHORUS OF MADMEN.—Bravo!... Bravo!...

OTHERS.—They're already ours! Let's lock them up...

OTHERS.—And to the others too!

OTHERS.—Yes, also to the others.

LOCO 1.—Hooray!

LOCO 2 (Generally rising as chief.). - You stay (A

Crazy 1 and Crazy 3) holding this position. You all, follow me. Long live the
reason of the mad!4

EVERYONE.—Hooray!...(Everyone follows Loco 2 like a leader. The

The doorman is wearing a straitjacket. The Crazy Ones 1 and 3 are watching him. DON
PACO, who has remained in a corner, sheltered, witnessing it all,
comes out of its hiding place.)

DOORMAN.—Help!... Assistance!...

DON PACO. - Calm down, friend, calm down and have...

assignment as we have all had who went through that
bitter trance. Companions-. There you have a sane man with a
straitjacket. Do you know what that means?

CHORUS OF MADMEN.—What?... What?...

DON PACO.—Well, it serves the sane the same as it does the

crazy; that is made to our measurements and theirs.

LOCO 1.—And it's very good for him. Look at him. (He turns him around to ...
look at him from behind and run your hand over his back to remove the
wrinkles, as if watching a new suit fall on him.

LOCO 3.—And what do we do with this man?

The OTHER CRAZY (Fast.) —Lock him up, man,

close it.

DON PACO.—Well, but first take off the gag, let's see
What it says. (They take it away.)

DOORMAN.—Help! Help! To me!

DON PACO.—How can there be a God if he doesn't shout like a madman!

DOORKEEPER (A little calmer).—This is horrible.

DON PACO.—Yes, but it lasts a short time. Right away it takes away.
ran into a padded cell.

DOORMAN.—Me? ... But what are they going to do to me? What

What happens here?

DON PACO.—My friend. Did you really think they were going to send us...
You thought they would always be in power? That they were going to be in power until eternity?

LOCO 3.—What? Should we take it?

DON PACO.—Take him away, yes. (After taking off his cap)
form, that will leave in a chair the Madmen 1 and 3, leads to the GOALKEEPER.)

LOCO 2 (Leaving with the others). - Hooray!... Hooray!... They are already
everyone closed!...

CRAZY.—Hurray!...

LOCO 2. —The victory has been ours!

DON PACO. - You are a hero! I, as the chief of this...

Lion, I congratulate you with all enthusiasm.

LOCO 2.—But if you have not exposed yourself to anything, nor have you...
chado...

DON PACO.—That's right. What the bosses always do.

revolution. You will be compensated with a cross.

LOCO 2.—Ah!(He leaves satisfied.)

DON PACO. —You. (To Loco 5.) Go to the gate. You stay.
named Goalkeeper.

LOCO 5.—Ole!

DON PACO.—You. (To another Crazy.) Go with him too. You will be his
helper. You (to another madman) will be the Administrator, you my servant and
you the watchers.

LOCO 4.—And why should you be the one to lead, let's go to

see?...

DON PACO.—Well, it's very simple. This one (To Loco 5.) will be an ex-
great goalkeeper. This one (To Loco 1) a great guardian and you (To Loco 4.) a
wonderful servant. Only I, who am not fit to be a guard, nor
For a doorman, not even for a servant, I can be your boss.

LOCO 2.—Friends!... Alert!... Here comes a man-

I am coherent. (When the GUARDIAN2 enters, the Crazy ones surround him and point at him with
the finger.)

LOCO 3.—A sane man.

 LOCO 1.—Be careful, he's sane.

LOCO 4.—What a guy!

LOCO 3.—Look at the face he makes. (They mock the VIGILANT.)

LOCO 1.—He's more sane than a goat.

LOCO 3.—But don't you see that face?...

LOCO 2.—If he's sane, let him prove it.

LOCO 3.—That's it, let him show us.

VIGILANTE 2.—Am I to demonstrate?... But why would they make me

to force me to...?

DON PACO.—Well... Just for the same reason that they have forced me
I when they brought me to this house.

VIGILANTE 2.—How do you want to compare the case of a sane person?

,,,,? Also, for those who are doing it, it is so easy, so simple to do.
see everyone...

DON PACO,—Well, perform an act for us right there, right now.

anyone of sanity, the simplest, the easiest to make.

CHORUS OF MADMEN.—Come... Come... Now we are going to know

we how is that done...(Showing a lot of interest, everyone
they prepare to observe with great attention what he is going to do
Vigilante.

DON PACO.—Step out there in the middle and act rationally.

(Running a chair.) You can do it standing or sitting, as you prefer. No
Can you imagine the great interest we all have in seeing
how is that done. (The GUARD steps into the middle of the circle. Upon seeing himself there
he hesitates, gets anxious, runs his hand across his forehead; he doesn't know what to do.

LOCO 1.—It seems like it's not that easy... right?

 DON PACO (Affectionately).—If you don't know how to do it... say so.
Go ahead, say it without fear. There are many of us who don't know... Don't let him
It's a shame to confess it, man!.. If you are among friends...

VIGILANTE 2.—You will see...(He looks around and

Seeing a gap, he runs away over there. The Crazy ones chase after him and catch him.
reach it right away. They bring it well secured.

SOLO 3.—So that was the act of sanity, huh?...

VIGILANTE 2.—How can I prove it more than this? Don't hit me-
They said a test of sensibility? Well, what better than to run away?
from here?

DON PACO.—Stop, friend. When I was being recognized...

I also left in a stampede, like you; and when I was caught, one
from those who were watching me he said: "As you can understand it's no longer

necessary to continue the exam. With what we just saw, well

of course it demonstrated that it is on sale.

VIGILANTE 2. —It is impossible to understand each other because you all

How are they going to understand me?

DON PACO. —On the contrary, your situation is very simple.

You are sane, but you don't know how to make it noticeable.
(He gestures for them to take him. Crazy 1 and Crazy 2 hold him.)
Take him!

VIGILANTE 2.—Let me go! I say, let me go!

LOCO 1.—Let's go...

VIGILANTE 2 (Pulling back a little.) - What?

putting his index finger to his lips he indicates: "Silence" and at the same
time indicates with the index finger of the other hand the straitjacket.

DON PACO (To the Crazy 1.). - Lock him in your cell. You, from
now, you will occupy the room that until today he occupied; you remain
named loquacious.
 LOCO 1 (Takes the cap from the GUARD, puts it on and does some)
how many extravagant little shoes!).—Olé!... Crazy!... I’m not crazy anymore,
I am a madman!

DON PACO.—But, for God's sake!, don't deny that you are one of the
our while you do those beautiful pirouettes. And to think that
an unhappy sane person, in the face of such an explosion of joy, becomes
I would have been left wanting to do them... Bastards!
It is truly a very humanitarian work that we are going to do.
heal their sensibility and sanity.

VIGILANTE 2.—As God is my witness, these men will not go to.

to get myself crazy.

DON PACO.—To drive him crazy? And what can you say about it?
high. You locked us up here to make us sane and it didn't
they have been able to obtain; now that we are closing, do not let it fit
There is no doubt that we will drive everyone crazy. Our
healing procedures will be much more effective.

LOCO 1.—What? Should I take it?

DON PACO.—Yes, take it. (THE WATCHMAN steps back a little like
to resist, but DONPACO makes the gesture of 'silence' again and
pointing to the straitjacket. The GUARD, upon seeing him, follows him docilely.
Crazy 1. The remaining dialogue is said by Crazy 1 and the GUARD.
walking very slowly towards the back door, where they will exit.

Crazy 1.—What things are. Just a month ago we were going

you and I the same as now, walking to that house; but
So instead of me taking you, you were taking me...
I remember very well that I rebelled a little because you gave me a
capon. (The GUARD 2 prepares, raising an elbow to the height of the
head, to dodge a blow.) No, no. Don't be careful. The bad guys
Deals, resentment, revenge... all of that is the business of the sane.
they go through the back door. A pause. Then Loco returns.

LOCO 1.—Hey, Don Paco. Now that we are in charge...

Don't you think we should hold accountable those who have...
stuck in this house?

DON PACO.—Yes, sir. But first it will be necessary for each

one of you explain to us why you have been locked up here.

LOCO 3.—I am here because men are the most

absurdities that exist. As you know, all men wish to be
Happy... right? Well, I was locked up for having
trying to solve the problem of universal happiness.

LOCO 4. —I had invented perpetual motion. The

machines would move on their own. That way I would earn a lot.
money, I would distribute it in large amounts. Well, despite
I wanted it so much, they didn't let me. No one has ever trampled on anyone like they did to me.

LOCO 1.—Come on, then… and what about me… who was going to heal them all?
diseases?

CHOIR OF MADMEN.—We can no longer allow that.

(They start to stir.), because we are the masters.

LOCO 1. —It is outrageous that the reason of the sane, that

a mean, vulgar, and makeshift reason is being imposed on all of us.

CHORUS OF MADMEN.—Bravo!... Bravo!... Down with reason of the

Sane people! Death! (Pause.)

DON PACO.—From his point of view, they perhaps had some

reasons...

LOCO 4.—What? To bring us here?

DON PACO.—Yes. For example: you had invented the movi-

continuous lie.

LOCO 4.—Yes, sir, despite what all of Physics claims.

On the contrary, the machines were going to move by themselves.
 DON PACO.—You see. How were the physicists going to allow you to...
you will destroy their sciences and the industries that you will ruin
factories, all set up by the old regime? They had to
to shut you in right away, to protect so many interests.

LOCO 4.—And you, why are you here?

DON PACO.—Oh... me!... I had a prodigious intelligence

and I wanted to be a mathematician. I believed that Mathematics affirmed some
pure truths, free from all material self-interest. But I
I was disillusioned while studying the origins of the Exact Sciences. Do you know about
Where did Arithmetic come from?

LOCO 3.—Well, from the investigations of the wise.

DON PACO.—No, sir. Of all the dealings of the merchants. No

It was invented by merchants, not mathematicians.

LOCO 3.—Wow!

DON PACO.—And do you know who invented Geometry?

LOCO 3.—I knew it, but I forgot.

LOCO 1.—Wasn't Euclid in Greece?

DON PACO.—Yes, that's what they say to deceive us. Geometry,

before Euclid was born in Greece, they had invented it
Egyptian landowners to share the lands comfortably and
precision.

CHOIR OF MADMEN.—Ah!... Ah!...

DON PACO.—The marematics did nothing but give us-

bring what was already done; give, forever, the reason to the
merchants and landowners. Now ten and ten are always
twenty, without needing to count on my fingers, as it used to happen
when they were not very sure, and the merchants can
explode us with all reason, comfort, and promptness. Now, with
take a few measurements in a plot, and thanks to Geometry, you
a landlord immediately says: "You will pay me so much rent." I
I proposed to remove all these impurities from Science and I made a
Arithmetic that was not the commercial Arithmetic of now. Is it not ab-
deaf that mathematicians make an Arithmetic for the
merchants and not for them?

CHORUS OF MADMEN.—Of course!... Of course!...

DON PACO.—Well, that's why I made an Arithmetic for myself.

I demonstrated the mistakes that had been made in the additions until then,
in subtraction, in multiplication, and how many merchants I
They had sold something, I demanded that they correct their calculations.
according to the new investigations and they returned to me what they
they had overcharged.

So things really got messy. The Chambers of Commerce

they declared the absolute unshakeability of the principles and truths
scientists. The grocery store association raised funds
to defend the doctrines of the wise and philosophers of antiquity
and they took me and brought me here for being crazy. And now is when
I recognize that industry, commerce, debts, gains
and the rents depend on principles that must be maintained fir-
month. Although it may seem unbelievable, every beginning, every theorem, every
scientific truth has, more or less remotely, a relationship with the
coins that one carries in the pocket. That's why the great truths
they seem unyielding and anyone who attacks them must be regarded as
crazy... just in case... The great truths must be sacred
because, my friends, besides truths... they are pesetas. (Enter the
Loco 5 on the left.

LOCO 5 (Very scared).—Sir...

DON PACO.—What is happening?

LOCO 5.—Horrible, Don Paco, horrible. It has just arrived and is

At the door is the Director of the Asylum. What do we do?
 DON PACO (With great shows of joy.) — The Director?
Let him pass, man, let him pass; let him enter right away. (The Crazy One leaves)
5.) Well, of course not. (A brief pause. Then the DIRECTOR enters.
During the break, DONPACo carefully takes the straitjacket and
lovingly he places her on the chair, which he positions with the backrest.
forward, so that the straitjacket remains invisible. The others exit.
Crazy.)

DIRECTOR (Sale with a gabled cap that indicates superior authority.)

What is this? What has happened here?

DON PACO.—Total, nothing. We are just getting started.

DIRECTOR.—And where has the doorman gone? How could that happen?
Is the man not there? (Points towards the goal.)

DON PACO.—Well, it's very simple. (With a lot of mystery.) It is not

there (points to the goal) because it's there (points to the pavilion).

DIRECTOR.—How there? In the office?

DON PACO.—Further inside.

DIRECTOR.—In the office then?

DON PACO.—Further inside.

DIRECTOR.—And the guards? How have they left this open?

donated? What has happened in this house?

DON PACO.—What happened here is that the pupils we have

elevated against the sane.

DIRECTOR.—Rebellious?

DON PACO.—Yes, sir, against the despotism of reason. It was

one of the revolutions that were about to happen. (To a movement of
DIRECTOR.) It's useless to try to escape. They wouldn't let him.
very well organized surveillance.
 DIRECTOR.—Perfectly. I didn't think you were so sen-
satos. If I had known they were so wise, I would have treated them better.
closed.

DON PACO.—And it would be good. That's why with you, who is one of
the most sensible and reasonable men I know, we will take
special precautions.

DIRECTOR.—And what if I resisted?

DON PACO.—It would be useless. We have in our hands the po-

the straitjacket. Do not force me to use it.

DIRECTOR.—Would you do it?

DON PACO.—Only as a last resort. The straitjacket must

just a symbol... A symbol!... As if we were saying: the scepter of
power that is now in our hands. It would be very bad for
we, as it was for you, having to make use of it... So
How bad would it be for a king to have to defend his throne one day?
with the scepter... to a clean scepter.

DIRECTOR.—So only...

DON PACO.—Yes, sir. A boss should never forget that, if

a symbol serves for so much, it's because it will never serve for
nothing2.

DIRECTOR.—No one would say upon hearing you that you are a madman.

DON PACO.—Bah! That is one of many great phrases or nonsense.

philosophical theories that coin sensibility, giving them great value, but
that no one admits because they are worth nothing. Just like they are the frames of
the sanity!

DIRECTOR.—And you?

DON PACO.—We have risen up against reason.

and philosophy, and we defend free thought from all logical constraints,
spontaneous thought without the slightest artificial elaboration.
We are going to put gold in nugget circulation.

DIRECTOR.—Magnificent program! What a pity that I am

sane!...

DON PACO.—Bah! Don't rush. I believe you are one of those

that are healed. (LOCO5 enters.)

LOCO 5.—At the door, there is a man who is asking for him.
Mr. Director.

DIRECTOR.—What do you want?

DON PACO.—What?... Here, my friend, there is no more Direc-

For now, me. (He takes off the hat from the DIRECTOR and puts it on himself.)

DIRECTOR.—It's true. I had forgotten that now already

I am nothing in this house. (The Fool 1 appears in the background.)

DON PACO.—No, we still know how to keep everything for you.

the honors and considerations that he deserves. Listen (To the Madman 1), take to the
Mr. to a first-class cell. (The Loco 1 with the DIRECTOR are going for the
background.) And you (To the Crazy 5) go tell that gentleman who is in the
door. (The Crazy 5 exits to the left. A pause. Then enters the
VISITOR.

VISITOR.—Is the Director of the establishment here?

DON PACO.—Servant.

VISITOR.—So you are...

Mr. Paco (Intercepting him). - Mr. Paco...

VISITOR (Surprised.).—Don Paco?... (Takes out a letter.)

Yes, sir, Don Paco...

VISITOR.—So how have they told me that you

What was it called?...

DON PACO.—They have deceived him. But he has nothing of a party-

When one comes to this house, they are never told the truth. Everyone
they come here deceived.

VISITOR (withdrawing).—You, sir, confuse me...

DON PACO.—Me? But I only said that you have arrived.

here deceived like they all come... What fault do I have that
Is that how things are?

VISITOR.—Yes; but you will understand that I also do not have

blame any of that a friend made fun of me by saying
that I knew the Director of this house very well and he had me come.
with this letter to you. Anyone can be a victim of the
lie of a scoundrel.

DON PACO.—Don't blame him too much either. It's a

such a compassionate lie!

VISITOR.—But do you take me for...? Come on, hom-

Bre. Listen to me, I have come here to talk to you about a brother of mine who ...
he/she is not right in...(Implying something is wrong with their mind.) Let's be clear.

DON PACO.—Completely understood. No more to say...

Why have you sat there so far away? Sit here next to me. If I
I have not taken you for anything bad! On the contrary, I find you a
such a nice man, so friendly, well, I am already so interested in him
I want to take care of you more than your little brother.

VISITOR (Standing up abruptly.) - But who for me

Have you taken it, wow?

DON PACO.—For God’s sake, calm down... calm down. For nothing
I wish you would change from this world. Don't become like us.
nervous, because then it would be horrible and it would force us to... no, no,
It would be very unpleasant. (The VISITOR wants to say something.) No, no,
quietly, calm, a lot of calm, oh God! If you came deceived already
I know, like the others, if you think we have him for who he is not, like
everyone; but that is nothing. The main thing is that it should not be altered or happen to us

Nervous? Calm down. You're among friends here!

You are a barbarian, man!...

VISITOR.—Oh!... What is happening to me today, my God?

DON PACO.—It's not from today. That must come from the past.

VISITOR.—Oh! Something is happening to me.

(hand on the forehead.) It is impossible for me not to be dreaming, if I weren't
horrible. Listen to me, sir, listen to me...

DON PACO,—Say, say whatever you want; let it out, like this
you will be much calmer.

VISITOR.—Look here. My parents had two children: me,

that because I liked trade, I opened a store for colonial goods, and a
my brother who became fond of books and started studying something
very rare they call philosophy. They said he was a great philosopher; but
It is the case that he studied so much that he went mad. (He gestures as if he is crazy)
(the index on the temple.) Precisely to talk to you about this brother.
mine and I have come here to bring it to this house. That's why I say that it
you confuse yourself by taking me for... come on, for what I'm not, do you?
understand?

DON PACO.—Yes, man, I am not going to understand him. How

Did you come not for yourself, but for your brother? Wow!
How well they have gilded the pill for you.

VISITOR (Terrified). —What?... But...(As if finding the...

solution.) Ah! Yes! Of course! Now I get it. You are not the Director. You
it's a... (Aside from madness.) naturally. (DONPACOL looks)
Compassionately, but without saying anything.) There goes an employee.(He makes
He gestures to Loco 1 and he approaches. "Hey, is he furious?"

LOCO 1.—This one? You really must...(Makes the gesture of the

index in the temple.) If he is the master, the boss.
 VISITOR (Terrified). —What?... But... is it the Director?
Are you sure that you really are?

LOCO 1.—Naturally. Don't you see his command hat?

VISITOR.—It’s just that... they might have put on that cap.

headache.

LOCO 1.—Gentleman, when one wears a garment like that, the

The head doesn't matter at all. What matters is the cap.

VISITOR.—But what is this, my God? I, who have never...

nothing in this world, more than formality and
credit of my clients, I now doubt everything. I doubt the Director,
I doubt you, I even doubt myself!

DON PACO.—Tremendous doubts for an honest merchant-

of this square. But that is that you begin to overcome yourself
moved from commercial accounting doubt to methodical doubt
cartesian

VISITOR.—I don't understand a word of what you're saying, nor

of what I see, nor of what happens. But, my God, what I have
Is what lies ahead reality or the illusion of a dream?

DON PACO.—I congratulate you, my friend. You are the first shopkeeper of
groceries that poses the metaphysical problem of existence.
And now everything is explained.

VISITOR.—Thank God, thank God, (Hugs enthusiastically-

Ment to Mr. PACO.

DON PACO.—You have just raised the metaphysical problem.

code of reality.

VISITOR (Not understanding anything.). —Yes.

AND even that of his own personality.

 VISITOR (With the same attitude of not understanding.) — Yes.

DON PACO.—And all of this after establishing himself in front of the world
possessed by the philosophical-Cartesian methodical doubt.

Visitor.—Well.

DON PACO.—Which means, my friend, that you do not

he is the shopkeeper brother, not the philosopher.

VISITOR.—What? This is terrifying, horrible. Oh me!

(Whines.)

DON PACO.—Don't worry, man. You will be very

Well. Patients are treated excellently, we have this beautiful
garden where you can stroll with other companions.

VISITOR.—Friends! Oh!

Don Paco - His family will come to see him.

VISITOR.—My family! But it can't be! If still...

this morning, an hour ago, I was very calm at my house and
my wife obeyed me in everything...

DON PACO.—Of course! Who dares to disagree?

to the one who is like this?

VISITOR.—Well, I am leaving right now. (He heads off

to the left. The MADMAN I turns the step. Then he holds him by a
Let me go. This is an outrage.

DON PACO. —Calm down, man, calm down. Sit down.

here next to me. If you have nothing. Besides, it is completely
deceived. (So kindly and affectionately says this DONPACO that the
VISITORS calm down, moved.) He imagines that this house is... and not
there's such a thing... This is... a great hotel, a great trendy spa,
That is, a spa, and you have come here to spend a little time.
To recover, do you understand?
 VISITOR.—Yes, sir, yes. Now I understand the terrible
truth. (The LOCO I invites him to follow. They head to the pavilion.) But,
Sir, when will I have put myself like this? (Keeps walking. Then he
vuelve.)Diga, señor.(A DON PACO.) Vendrá a verme mi familia,
Isn't it?

DON PACO.—Of course! Even his brother will come to see him.
shopkeeper.

VISITOR.—Man! After all, I will be very happy

let him come. Because imagine: now it turns out that that of
"prosaic man with petty ideas, shopkeeper," I believed he.
he said to me, I said it to him. Moreover (With reluctance.), those
promissory notes that they made the poor philosopher sign, before his work was published
mental state, to pay store installments... All of that I have to
I'll throw it in his face as soon as I see him. Because I warn you that the
The shopkeeper is a rascal. A rascal. If anyone knows it, it's me!...
(Walks again towards the pavilion.) Ah! [Thinking of something pleasant.]
my brother's wife, who has always been to me
liked so much..., she is my wife. Hey. (TO MR. PACO.) Give her to me.
bring it, huh?, let them bring it to me.

END OF THE FIRST ACT

ACT TWO

(The same decoration as the previous act. When the curtain rises, the Crazies)
they will be gathered in assembly.

MR. PACO.—Gentlemen: I have convened this assembly because

since now we are the masters, we who are going to impose
our reason to all men, it is necessary that we put ourselves
Agreed on what is best to do with them.

LOCO 3.—What is most convenient is to put my system into practice.

the mother of universal happiness.

DON PACO.—Very well. Since you have already resolved that problem...
But to make men happy, you are going to explain to us right now the
procedure.

LOCO 1.—Yes, let him explain it to us.

LOCO 3.—It's very simple. You'll see now.

LOCO 4.—Let's see. (Everyone approaches, full of curiosity.)

LOCO 3.—There is nothing more than to extract a square root and make-
Tickles on the soles of the feet.

LOCO 1.—And does doing that make you happy?

LOCO 3.—At least one is silly and already one is closer to the
happiness.

Crazy.—Bah!

DON PACO.—And you were the one who was supposed to make everyone happy
the men?

LOCO 4. —It doesn't matter, because I am here with the movi-

continuous lie. The solution is continuous movement, for with
this no one will have to work.

LOCO 2.—What a solution. To condemn us all to be some

lazy ones. I, gentlemen, protest.

LOCO 1.—I have the solution, I will heal all the sick.
medades.

LOCO 2.—Another one like that. Health is a great thing, there is no

doubt. But how can one appreciate what is valuable while always
Healthy? No, sir, no. Nothing about curing all diseases. Yes.
truly wanting to enjoy health, one must compel
everyone to have a couple of times a year, at least, a
toothache and a colic.

DON PACO.—Well, well. I see that none of you...

It is a great art to make men happy. One
some propose to abolish work, others diseases. Unhappy ones! But
you do not understand that work is a virtue and suffering with
resignation again? For my part, I do not consent to being suppressed.
those two virtues that are so important and that are always held so close
Man, because if one day we regret it and want to be good,
How are we going to fix it?

Crazy 4 (Slapping his forehead.), - Here it is...

The solution consists of making all men millionaires.

LOCO 1.—Look at what this one is coming up with now. Yes, you make everyone
Millionaires, I want to be poor. What advantages I would have.
being the only one without a penny in a world of
millionaires!

LOCO 3,—What are the advantages of not having a peseta? I don't see any.

LOCO 1.—Imagine that being the only poor person in the world
Both men had to rely on me to be good and
charitable. For it is nothing to be the only person on Earth who
One would need to do favors to win the Cycle.

DON PACO.—Nothing, no extremism. My program is

that there are no richer than the rich, nor poorer than the poor.
I will make all the sick be sick, all the women to
to make women and all men to be men. I will force them to work
to the workers and to do nothing for the sluggards. Ah! And
I will force the sick to die in the end.

LOCO 2.—What a thing! But if that means leaving things as they are
they are.

DON PACO.—YES, friend, yes. But to leave things as they are-

Okay, what a revolution we need to make!

LOCO 1.—Well; but those you mentioned, the sick ones of the
Lastly, don't they all fulfill their duty to die?

DON PACO.—Yes; but they resist quite a lot!

LOCO 1.—Well, what do we do now?

DON PACO.—Now go see how the sick are doing, and if the
if you find them calm, take them out to the garden. We are not going to be more
strict with them than they were with us. (Some leave)
(Addressing the Crazy 2, who remains thoughtful in a corner.) And
What's happening to you?

LOCO 2.—What annoys me is doing nothing. He commands everyone.

you something, less to me. And I need to fight. I am a liberator and a
leader.

DON PACO.—You are. And also a hero.

LOCO 2.—So, am I very big?

DON PACO. - That's right. (He touches the muscles of the arm.) You are
athletic and brave like a legendary hero. You have both
virtues of authentic heroism: courage and strength. I admire you, above
everything, like a rare example of that authentic, complete heroism;
because, today, the virtues of true heroism, courage, and strength
athletic, they are distributed equally in glorious feats and in
circus numbers.

LOCO 2.—Then I...

DON PACO.—YOU, since you are complete and possess everything, can...
of choosing to intervene in great and memorable events
historical or alternate with the clowns and the jesters in the circus.

UNLOCO.—Here come the sick people. (Indeed, all of them exit.)

sane people guarded by the crazies.

DON PACO.—Unfortunate ones!

LOCO.—Unfortunate!

LOCO 4.—What a pity for men!

LOCO 1.—And won't they heal?

DON PACO. —Who knows them?

ADMINISTRATOR AND THE VISITOR.

ADMINISTRATOR (Looking at the VISITOR with astonishment).—Us-

ted... who is he?

VISITOR.—Who am I? Well, if I have to tell the truth,

damn if I know.

ADMINISTRATOR.—Do you not know that?

VISITOR.—No. I thought I was a merchant of

groceries who had a philosopher brother, completely
crazy. A very strange man who doubted everything... He said no
there existed the world nor men, nor anything...

ADMINISTRATOR .—Well, so what?

 VISITOR.—Now the good part comes. As soon as I entered here I was
I who began to doubt everything, the world, men.
Even of myself! In short, of everything. And do you know what happened? Well
that I had come here deceived, that I was not the shopkeeper, but the
philosopher, and that there was no such brother, for this brother was me.

ADMINISTRATOR .—So until he entered this

The house didn't know who you were...

VISITOR.- I don't know yet; because if I have to tell you the truth-
Dad, I still have my doubts about whether I am me or if I am my brother.

ADMINISTRATOR. —But is it possible that you do not have...

any idea of what it was before, of the life I led, of what
what was?...

VISITOR.—Well, that is precisely what bothers me the most.

it disturbs me; because of the things I have seen, I am convinced
of the truth of how much they tell me about who I am, but imagine
how tremendous!... I don't remember anything about myself, only about the other.

ADMINISTRATOR. — Man! At least you will know

What is your name?

VISITOR.—Not even that... because there it is... if I am I,

My name is Juan, but if I am the other, then my name is Pedro.

ADMINISTRATOR .- —Do you know that you are good, friend?

(Gesture of madness.)

VISITOR.—Little more or less like you.

ADMINISTRATOR.—What?... But you imagine...

VISITOR.—I imagine that they also have him locked up.

It must be for a reason.

ADMINISTRATOR.—Well, no, sir. They have locked me up, yes.

And what? I am the same as I was; I am as I was, as I have been.
always.

VISITOR.—Come on, yes; what you have is from birth.

ADMINISTRATOR. —Come here and attend to a

moment. Those (points to the Crazy ones) have revolted some time ago.
hours. They took possession of the straitjacket and locked us up
everyone.

VISITOR.—You leave me astounded.

ADMINISTRATOR. - What do you have to say to me now?

VISITOR.—Well, my friend, you are doing much better.

worse than me.

ADMINISTRATOR (Turns his back with contempt.). —Bah!

You are an idiot. (Don PACO enters and the VISITOR exits.) Do you
There?... You must be very pleased with your work, right?

DON PACO.—Very satisfied. Everything is going smoothly.

ADMINISTRATOR . —Every time I think about what they have

done with me... How outrageous!...

DON PACO.—Barbarians?... Well, you see, everything we did

with you, from you we have learned.

ADMINISTRATOR.—But how do you want to justify it?

What has he done to us, by running us over like this?

DON PACO.—How superficially you see things! Don't you

understand that we have given them our justice as they did to us
you theirs? What happens is that the justice of the sane
runs over the crazies, the crazies over the sane, just like justice.
decent people run over thieves and that of thieves
to decent people.

ADMINISTRATOR, —And you defend that?

 DON PACO.—Look, if I am to be frank, I do not defend
neither to some nor to others. Neither to the sane nor to the crazy; nor to the people
decent ones nor to thieves. I am neutral,

ADMINISTRATOR .—Jesus!

DON PACO.—¡Bah!... Besides, the decent person and the thief,

the sane and the crazy... nothing; our nuances without importance. In the
In the background, we are all the same, half sane, half crazy, half
decent people and half scoundrels.

ADMINISTRATOR .—You will be. You have never doubted me.

no one regarding my sensibility and my decency,

DON PACO.—Bah! You, like everyone else, depend on the

side from which it is viewed.

ADMINISTRATOR.—I do not allow you, nor anyone, to

dude of my decency.

DON PACO,—Oh! No. I confess that I have always seen him as

you on the decent side. Now that as in this house it runs from your
counts the maintenance and care of the pupils, due to the
extras and supplements of my pension, my family has never seen it
you more than by the shameless side. (The ADMINISTRATOR gives you)
he turns his back disdainfully and walks away from there. The Madman enters.

LOCO 5.—DON PACO...

DON PACO.—What's up?...

LOCO 5. —Two women who are bringing a madman. Should I leave them?
to pass?

DON PACO.—Yes. Take them to my office. (The Loco leaves)

And you do not let these wretches commit any sanity.
with the visitors. (See DON PACO. A crazy person takes to
ADMINISTRATOR, The NOTARY, the LADY, and the MISS exit.
guide the CrazyGOALKEEPER.)
 LOCO 5.—Come in. The director is in his office.

MISS.—Oh, mom!... How scary. I don't want to go in.

that house.

LADY.—Woman, don't be silly.

MISS.—No. I am not going in.

NOTARY.—Good. So wait for me here, in the garden. Come back...

supply immediately.

MISS.—Yes. It is preferable.

LOCO 5(TO THE NOTARY.).—Come here. I will accompany you to the des-
Director's package. (The Crazy 5 and the NOTARY leave.)

MISS (Pointing to where the ADMINISTRATOR is)

VISITOR, THE DOORMAN AND THE COLLECTOR.).—And those who are over there
Will they be the crazy ones?

MADAM.—Of course! There's no need to say more.

MISS.—It's a pity to see those men like that. What a shame.

thank you!

MADAM.—Don't think so, it's not that much; they don't know.
security believe everyone is sane and if they suspected that this is a
They would say it was an injustice to have them here.

MISS (Frightened). —Oh! Here comes one.

ADMINISTRATOR .)

ADMINISTRATOR.—Ma'am, for what you desire the most in

this world, get out of here right away and notify the
authorities to come at the moment. You do not know what
it happens here.

MADAM (Making a gesture to the MISS, as if saying

You see? They have him unjustly imprisoned, right?
 ADMINISTRATOR.—Ah! But... Do you know it already?

MADAM.—Naturally. Was I not supposed to know!

ADMINISTRATOR. —And why not go immediately to the

how to say it?

LADY.—To the street? What for? The street knows it too.

everyone.

ADMINISTRATOR.—Then, why don't they come?

MADAM.—They will come, don't be so impatient. Are you carrying...

so much time?

ADMINISTRATOR.—A few hours.

MADAM.—Nothing else?

ADMINISTRATOR. —Nothing more.

MADAM.—Well, no one would say that looking at you. I would bet.

anything that you had been carrying for many years.

ADMINISTRATOR. —I've only been here a few hours and I already think

to have really gone crazy.

Madam.—Of course.

ADMINISTRATOR . —It was this morning when that happened.

terrible thing... terrifying... horrifying.

LADY.—Come on, yes. The attack.

ADMINISTRATOR. —What? But are you taking me for... crazy?

Look at me. Do I have a crazy face? Look at me, look at me closely.
mad gestures.)

MISS.—I'm very scared.

 MADAM.—And me.

ADMINISTRATOR. —This is horrible, terrifying, the

desperation, the chaos.

LADY AND MISS (Frightened).—Oh! Now it hits.

(Enter the Madman 1.)

LOCO 1.—What is that? Get out of here. (Threatens with the bas-
Have they missed?

LADY.—No. Nothing. We must forgive the unhappy one, as one should.

He doesn't know what he's doing or what he's saying. (The ADMINISTRATOR looks and leaves.

furious.)

LOCO 1.—It is clear, you will say what you want.

MADAM.—My husband has already gone to speak with Mr. Di-

rector.

LOCO 1.—Your husband?...

MADAM.—Yes, I am the lady of the one who entered earlier.

LOCO 1.—Ah!... So...

MADAM.—A friend who lives abroad has written to us, saying

her husband has gone crazy; he doesn't say if he has gone crazy himself or if he has.
she said; what she means is that she wants to bring him to this house.

LOCO 1.—Come on, he wants to lock him up.

MADAM.—Exactly. That's why we came here; to find out.

of the conditions

LOCO 1.—Conditions? Great, now it is accepted here to

everyone.

MADAM.—What?...
 LOCO 1.—It is even possible that we will stay with you.

MISS.—Oh, what a fright! (A bell is heard.)

LOCO 1.—I'm going, I'm going... Excuse me...(Disappears.)

MISS.—Oh, mom, I have a panic that I can't

keep me standing!

MADAM.—Bah! Don't you see that he wanted to mock us?

Us? Calm down. (The VISITOR enters.)

VISITOR.—Two women? What could they have come here for? And
how good the young lady is... how good... The truth: if one could
do whatever she wants... That girl looks great. But, come on
Let's see, if I'm crazy, why should I have any reservations?
If I'm crazy, what need do I have to be a decent person? Ha,
Man! I'm going to take advantage. There had to be some benefit to having it.
be like this...(Tries to give a hug to the MISS.)

MISS.—Oh... mom!

MADAM.—Rude, uncivilized. What is this about being so disrespectful?

A lady? You have no decency.

VISITOR.—Absolutely none.

MADAM.—You are a shameless person.

VISITOR (Embracing the MISS again). - Complete.

MISS.—Oh...!

LADY.—But what is this man doing, my God?

VISITOR.—What should I do? Didn't you call me shameless?

Well, I just kept giving him reason.

MADAM.—Shameless, indecent, scoundrel. There are no other ca-

liquefiers for their daring.
 VISITOR (Looking cynically at the MISS).—How much it
I'm sorry, wow! Why would I deserve them right now.

LADY.—Jesus! But in this house there is neither a director, nor

a boss, not even a guard to lock up this maniac.
(The Crazy One Enter 1.)

LOCO 1.—Who is asking for the Watchman?

MADAM.—Are you? Then take that man and lock him up.
in a safe place, because it only offends us with its
nonsense.

LOCO 1.—What do you want the poor unfortunate to do?...

MADAM (Sympathetically).—You are right, what a misfortune—

What are you going to do?

VISITOR.—Of course, man, of course. If I have no other choice!

(Hug the MISS.)(The VISITOR exits and Loco 3 and several others enter)
Crazy people more.)

MADAM (screaming alarmed). - My husband! Where is my

husband?

LOCO 3. —Calm down, ma'am. Your husband has been...

comfortably installed in a first-class cell.

THE TWO.—Huh?

MADAM.—What a horror!

MISS.—But my dad is sane!...

LOCO 3.—We already know, but it won't take long to heal.

MISS.—Oh! This is terrible.

MADAM.—But, the Director...

 LOCO 3.—He did not hesitate for a moment in the diagnosis. The Director
He is a wise man. He is the craziest of all of us.

THE TWO.—Ah!! (They disappear horrified.)

LOCO 1.—Why don't we lock them up too?

LOCO 3. —For what? Women... incurable sanity. (They exit)

everyone.)

VISITOR.—Wow! Well, it's really good being crazy, free.

completely free from the annoyances and obstacles of before... talk about what
one wants to do whatever they please, even if it is the most outrageous thing
and absurd. And let's not even mention the advantages and charms of not having
shame and how rested one feels not having
education... Here comes the uncle who locked me up; I'm going to
to bewilder with nonsense. (The Madman1 enters. THE VISITOR approaches him,
he puts the cap on sideways, grabs him by the chin with one hand and makes him…
tickling on the nose with the other.) He... He.

LOCO 1 (Defending himself). - What are you doing?

VISITOR.—Nothing. To have fun.

LOCO 1 (Somewhat annoyed).—Well, you don't have any fun with me.
Die, do you understand?

VISITOR.—Yes, but you are late, my friend, because I am

I had fun already.

LOCO 1 (Changing tone).—Come on, man, that's funny.

VISITOR (Touching his nose again). - Of course I believe it!

LOCO 1.—What an extravagant whim! Why does he make use of...

What is that?

VISITOR.—Why? Just because, nothing more than because.

Because I feel like it, because I want to. What?...
 Those are reasons. One hears them very few times.
Huh?, but I am excited about them.

VISITOR (Surprised by these words.).—What? To see—

Do you find it natural?

LOCO 1.—Absolutely natural!

VISITOR.—Yes? Well now, now you will see. There is another reason.

LOCO 1.—Another?

VISITOR.—Yes, you will see...(He does a tap dance and finishes with
a ridiculous attitude. The following phrase will be said while remaining in this.
attitude.) What do you say about this?

LOCO 1.—Bah! I've done it so many times.

VISITOR (Annoyed). - Well, I can still do greater things.

nonsense.

LOCO 1 (With great displays of joy.) - Really? Well

come here to give me a hug; you are already completely healed.

VISITOR.—Ah!... Yes? Are you in the mood for jokes, huh?

Well, I don't. Do you see that tree? (Points to the left.) I'm leaving.
to climb up to him. Do you understand?

LOCO 1.—That little one? Sneaky. That tree is mine.

VISITOR.—Well, whoever it belongs to, I will get on it, because

I feel like it. What do you say now?

LOCO 1.—What am I going to say, man!... That now I don't...

There is no doubt about it. You are as healthy as I am. Don Paco! Don
Paco! Come here right away!

VISITOR.—But are you going to tell the Director?

LOCO 1.—It is my duty.

 VISITOR.—Then I am hopelessly lost, because
now they will lock me up, rightly so, in the cell of the most serious offenders.
(Lamenting.) But what have I done... My God! (DON PACO enters.)
The VISITOR will be completely intimidated and shriveled.

DON PACO.—What is happening here?

LOCO 1.—Well, that man, who you have right in front of you,
It is already healed.

DON PACO (Looking down at the VISITOR.) - Is this one? I

It seems that you are very optimistic.

LOCO 1.—Yes. You see: a little while ago, when I approached

here, he greeted me by tickling my nose.

DON PACO.—Nothing more?

LOCO 1.—Nothing more. I asked him why he was doing that and he gave me
two reasons. One, because he felt like it and the other, a tap dance
very funny that he/she scored.

DON PACO (Looking at the VISITOR). - Man! That already...

I like it, I like it. Go on.

LOCO 1.—Then, without further ado, he wanted to climb a tree and

it was the one in question. The one that caused me so much distress! That one
the same that, for getting on it you and I once, they locked us in
a punishment cell.

DON PACO.—What joy! So this man

He does whatever he wants without obstacles or worries... Well
nothing, has regained full use of his faculties. (He is going to give a
hug to the VISITOR, who, upon hearing what DONPACO and Loco 1 have said,
he will have become more and more timid and will now be completely
shrunk in fear.

VISITOR (Aterrado).—No; it is not possible. You have not di-

what I just heard. It is my ears, my ears, that have
contagious.

DON PACO.—But what is wrong with you, man?

VISITOR.—Don Paco, I'm worse.

LOCO 1.—And why do you say that?

VISITOR.—Why? Because before I said nonsense; but

now, besides, I hear them.

DON PACO.—Wonderful. It's impossible to be better cured.

VISITOR (Always horrified.). - Let me go, let me go...

God!... Maybe you aren't even here with me and everything

How much presence is a product of my deranged imagination.

DON PACO.—Nothing, completely good and healthy.

affectionately on a shoulder.

VISITOR.—Get away, ghost.

DON PACO.—But how well, how well you are already, man.

VISITOR (Furious).—Let me go, let me go; see that I am capable

to do something outrageous.

DON PACO.—Come on, man, come on. If all that's missing is

that for us to register it.

END OF ACT TWO

EPILOGUE

(The same decoration. Some Maniacs for the scene, near the
NOTARY, whom DON PACO interrogates.

SO DON PACO.—So you are a famous lawyer and

notary, right?

NOTARY.—Yes, sir. I have dedicated my life to study and

application of the laws.

DON PACO,—Oh... the laws! Admirable thing, huh? How much to him
What's the profit per month?

NOTARY.—Talk nonsense, talk nonsense. Fortunately, to-

there are still authorities in the world to impose order and the
cordura.

DON PACO.—And you can say it very loudly, fortunately-

authorities are the support of reason and of
property, of the precepts of the law and of the truths of science.

NOTARY.—But... science too?

DON PACO.—Science?... More than anything else. Each

every certain number of years, truths and scientific theories are renewed,
They change. But those currently in force, defended by the
official wise men, by the universities and the academies, those
Anyone attacks them!... Because the same forces that maintain the
order sustain science. Do you know what the true
foundation of the principle of relativity?

NOTARY.—Which?

DON PACO.—Well, the gendarmerie.

NOTARY.—You are an unhappy person. A poor madman.

DON PACO.—And you... Who knows the felonies you must have committed.
tided shielded in his even-minded sensibility!...

NOTARY.—Sir! Know that I have never intervened in

no business that was not clean, that is to say, fair. I am a man
honorable, a decent person.

DON PACO.—And who doubts it? In his office, he never...

they consented to more traps than allowed by law, because it is
you are an honest man, nor ever did you allow yourself to be deceived or stripped
to no one unless it was with the Code in hand, because it is you
a decent person.

NOTARY.—Bah! A madman.

DON PACO.—Yes; a common and ordinary madman. Instead, you...

Ted is a careful madman...(Gestures to a Crazy person.)

NOTARY.—I do not say nonsense like you. I think and

I speak like everyone else.

DON PACO.—Come on, yes. Think and speak like everyone else,
that is to say, he does not think or say anything on his own.
approximately.)Take it.

NOTARY (If he resists. More crazy people come out.) (TO DON PACO.).—It is
you are a scoundrel. (They take him away.)

DON PACO.—Wow!... Do you forget that to be a scoundrel

Do you have to be sane? (A scream sounds inside.) Huh?... What's happening?...
(The Crazy One 4 enters.)

LOCO 4.—Mr. Paco...

DON PACO.—What's up?...

LOCO 4.—One of the tenants, the philosopher...

DON PACO.—What?

LOCO 4.—Who tried to escape by jumping over the walls; fell

and has injured a leg.

NOTARY (Inside). — Oh!... Oh!... (Several madmen bring out the...

VISITANTe in arms and leave him on the sofa.)

DON PACO.—What is happening to you?

VISITOR.—Oh!... Oh!... I have fallen and I think I have...

Oh no. (He touches a leg.) Oh! You are going to have to go out to the street to look for
a doctor.

DON PACO.—Go out into the street to find a doctor?... But if you-
Here is a magnificent one. If you have already seen the beautiful ones
nonsense that you know how to do, why shouldn't you put yourself in your
hands?

VISITOR.—Huh?

DON PACO (The Crazy 1).—Come closer and recognize the gentleman.

LOCO 1.—So you have fallen, huh?

VISITOR.—Yes, sir.

LOCO 1.—Well; you can trust me, because...

I have bare science.

VISITOR.—Oh!... And what do you plan to do with me?

LOCO 1.—Oh!... We shall see, we shall see. I cannot say

the, for now, but rather all the skill of these hands that do not
they know what they are doing, and the science that is inside this head
completely unhinged, they are at your disposal.

DON PACO.—Come closer, come closer, man, and recognize him.

LOCO 1.—I am going to apply some of my own procedures, especially

the, original and new.

DON PACO.—You do what you think is best, but without imitating others.
doctors, huh? The doctors now say that those from fifty years ago
Years were based on true medicine, come on, that
they didn't know anything, and they are right; those from fifty years from now
They will say that today’s people didn’t know anything either, and they will be right too.

Result: according to their own testimony, the doctors neither

They have never known anything.

LOCO 1.—You are absolutely right, but not with me.

none of that, because as I know very well that the procedures
current medicine will change in a few years... well, I
advance and I don't apply them now either.

LOCO 3.—Bah! With that and without it like the others. But if
No doctor knows how to cure a cold!

LOCO 1.—Ah! I have already solved that problem. By the way,

it's very simple. You will see: as soon as the first signs are noticed
symptoms, if the nights are very cold, one goes out to sleep in the open air;
without anything else the cold disappears immediately and it
turns into pneumonia. Then there is nothing more to treat the pneumonia
through the ordinary and known procedures.

LOCO 3.—What a nice procedure.

LOCO 1. —Well, I still have another one, that I call proceed-

progressive lie. It comes to be the previous one, applied with more
softness to make the cold disappear by transforming
simply in bronchitis, bronchitis in pneumonia and pneumonia
in broncho pneumonia and... there is nothing more to do. But anyway, that's it.
we have talked a lot and let's get to the point. I am going to acknowledge to
you, let's see what we do.

VISITOR. (Shouting.). - No, sir. I refuse. I do not believe in

your medicine.

LOCO 1.—Calm down, man, calm down. If it’s about you

It's not medicine, it's surgery.
 VISITOR (Terrified).—Surgery? Oh, my mother!

LOCO 1.—And we have to carry out the operation right away. Hey.
(Al Loco 3.)Look, you go to the office and bring from the showcase the
instrumental a chisel, the thermocautery, three scalpels, and a saw.

Crazy 3 (Very happy.).—Very good, very good.

LOCO 1.—The thermocautery is a device for putting on buttons.

of fire, do you understand?

LOCO 3.—Yes, yes. I know.

LOCO 1.—There are two: one small and another big. You bring
the big.

VISITOR.—Oh!... Oh!... (THE CRAZY ONE 3 exits.)

LOCO 1.—Don't be afraid, man, don't be afraid. If over

I also have my own ideas about surgery.

VISITOR.—I’m done!

LOCO 1.—Look, ordinary surgeons do not operate on na-

without having the operation very well learned in advance, no
Everyone can improvise. But I cannot. I improvise, I improvise everything.
First I open (I make a cut in the air.) and then I do what comes to my mind.

VISITOR.—And what will he think of doing with me?

LOCO 1.—Oh! Who knows! There are so many things... Bones, vis-
ceras, superficial and deep organs. There is so much to choose from...
Porque el cuerpo humano es una verdadera maravilla y por donde
If you want to throw it away, you stumble upon something interesting.

VISITOR.—Bah! There is nothing interesting about me; I am a...

unhappy!(Enter THE CRAZY3.)

LOCO 3.—There it is all. I bring two saws, in case one breaks.

one.
 LOCO 1.—Let's go recognize the terrain. (Grab a leg at...
VISITOR.

VISITOR.—Hey, that's not it.

LOCO 1.—But the one that hurts him isn't this one, right? (He points to the other one.)

VISITOR.—Yes.

LOCO 1. —Well, that's why the one we are going to operate on is the other one.

VISITOR.—The healthy one?

LOCO 1.—It's clear, man, the healthy.

LOCO 3. —But how traditional this surgeon is! How traditional!

We are going to operate the healthy one...(Does a happy pirouette.)

VISITOR (Holding the Madman 1 tightly).—But we are

playing the violin!30 Either we are truly pure or we are not.
my left leg hurts, the right one must be operated on, being me
the patient, instead of operating on me, it is I who must operate on him.
you. (Violently lays the Madman on the couch.)

LOCO 1.—What? (The 'tararí' of a bugle sounds inside.)

DON PACO. —Eh?... What is this?... (I hear rumors in the

pavilion of the Mad.) (The Madman5 enters breathless.)

LOCO 5.—Don Paco, the gendarmes are there. They are getting ready to
enter the house. (All the sane ones are exiting, confused with the
crazy.)

NOTARY.—The force is coming!

DON PACO.—Congratulations, Mr. Notary.

NOTARY.—The revolution is defeated. In a few

in moments the authority will enter this house to impose order and the
cordura. Now you will know who the sane ones are.
 DON PACO.—You will be one of them, huh?, but thanks to the
gendarmerie.(The ADMINISTRATOR, the LOQUERO, run out)
the GOALKEEPER and then, more calmly, the DIRECTOR and the VISITOR. This one
will show signs of not understanding anything about what he sees.

ADMINISTRATOR, DOORMAN, AND LOCO.—They're already here,

They are already there!

DON PACO.—You can be at ease now. And with what opportunity...

here they come, huh? Because there was already doubt about everything and it was all

in the air. You and you (Points to the ADMINISTRATOR and to

NOTARY.) they were already doubting their most ingrained ideas, like doubt
this one (Points to the VISITOR.) of his sanity and this one (To the DIRECTOR.) of his
medicine, because, deep down, he knows it has never worked
Not at all. Those who will resolve all the doubts are already there.

CHOIR OF STRINGS.—I have never doubted... neither have I... nor

yo...

DON PACO.—Who is going to doubt anything now that it is there?

Seguridad. Ahora no puede haber ya más ideas que las grandes
ideas of Mr. Notary, Mr. Administrator and Mr.
Grocer. (Points to the NOTARY, the ADMINISTRATOR and the
VISITOR.

DIRECTOR.—That has nothing to do with me.

DON PACO.—Excuse me. I had forgotten about you. Neither

There may already be more medicine than the camels of the lord.
COMMISSIONER, the AGENTS and the Crazies that are missing, which are placed in
group in front of which the SOUND ones form.

COMMISSIONER (Enters with a revolver in hand.) (Looking with distrust

Quiet everyone.

DON PACO.—Thank God. But, are you coming alone?

COMMISSIONER.—No. There are people outside at my orders.

 DON PACO.—Well, you don’t know how much I needed it.
saying to myself all that, because I had already lost to this scum
(Point to the SANE) all my authority.

SANE. - Don't pay any attention... he's a fraud.

they run, gesture, and act.

COMMISSIONER.—But which ones are the crazy ones?

DON PACO.—Do you not know them by those voices of the possessed?
Less of those awkward gestures?

COMMISSIONER.—These?... (Points to the SANE.)

DON PACO.—Yes, man, yes... and they need to be put in line.

right now.

SANE (Shouting loudly.) - Don't pay attention, sir.

COMMISSIONER. The crazies are those... We are the sane ones, yes,
Sir, the sane.

DON PACO.—As you can see, we are the peaceful madmen and
they the sane ones to tie.

UNCLEAR.—Shut up. That is the one responsible for everything, the one who...
must close us in.

LOCO 2.—Lie. Those are the crazy ones.

DIRECTOR.—No. Those.

FOOLS.—Liars!

SANE.—Rascals!

MADMEN.—Shameless! (The SANE begin to insult

to the Crazy ones, and these to the Sane ones, all together making a clamor
huge.

COMMISSIONER.—But, who are the crazy ones? What do you say?

 (LORD PACO.)(Another outcry, where each one points at themselves)
as sane.)

DON PACO.—Well, now I don't answer for anyone else but

for me.

COMMISSIONER.—Well; one must be firm here. I am going to man-

Let them all be locked up. (The POLICE exits.)

The SANE.—It's an outrage!... Oh, my God!... What

run over... imprison the sane... To the sane!

DON PACO.—Bah! As soon as they are locked up, they will turn into...
crazy guides all; unjustly imprisoned will no longer be the
first days. (Seeing that the COMMISSIONER returns.) Are you coming back?
alone?

COMMISSIONER.—I've thought it over. What I was going to do wasn't

just.

DON PACO.—But he was quick and efficient.

COMMISSIONER.—No, no. One must act without haste.

arrival of the COMMISSIONER there will be some movement at the scene,
consequence of which the two groups of MADMEN will disband and
LOCOS.) Hey!... Hey!... No mixing. Everyone to their group. As it
mix them... I am lost. (The groups are redone and he is left alone, in the middle,
elVISITANTE.) Y usted ¿qué hace pasmado ahí en medio?

VISITOR.—I, sir, am a poor crazy person. I am here at

half because... frankly, I no longer know which side I am on and I wish
that you would tell me.

COMMISSIONER.—Should I say it? (Looking at the two groups.)

My friend, I don't have that much penetration. (He stays, during a
moment, thoughtful.) But, let's see, wasn't there a Director here?

EVERYONE.—Yes, sir, yes.

 COMMISSIONER.—Let's finish. Let's see, the Director, let him come out there.
to the middle; three steps forward. (They leave their respective groups giving
three well-defined steps, the DIRECTORY DON PACO.) How?...
Two?... One from here and another from there? And how am I supposed to know?...
(As if finding another solution.) Ah! Here there were also five.
employees.

ALL.—Yes, yes.

COMMISSIONER.—Let's see the five employees, four steps to

front. (They come out of their ranks, marking the steps, to one side the
ADMINISTRATOR, the DOORMAN, the LOCO AND THE
VIGILANTES, and on the other side, the Crazy 1, the Crazy 2, the Crazy 4, etc.) But from
Here and there? This is intolerable! Out!

DON PACO.—Man, I don't understand why he gets angry. Pre-

ask for a Director and two are offered; looking for five employees and
Ten are offered to him. Why does he get angry? Doesn't he see that this way he can choose?
the ones he/she likes the most?

VISITOR.—But, man, if the Director is that one! (Points to...

MR. PACO.

COMMISSIONER.—That one? Then this one... Come here, you scoundrel—

güenza.

DIRECTOR.—Stop. I was the Director before the uprising.

they locked me up like the other employees.

COMMISSIONER.—Well; it's outrageous, but there's no more re-

means to confine them all.

NOTARY (Energetic.). —You cannot do that without

find out first who the sensible people are; without reflecting
about what must be done in justice, nor can it trample thus on ciu-
giving us that have their freedom guaranteed by the Constitution and the
laws. (The NOTARY will say this entire paragraph with a rally-like intonation.)

DON PACO.—Bah!... Oratory; rally; truths from the slums.

COMMISSIONER.) If what you want is executed immediately, without
more than giving an order out there, why do you pay attention to them? What
They want to take away that magnificent power that God gave him.
Having everything in your hands, they want me to go look for the...
cordura in a treatise on Pathology, justice in the Alcubilla and the
freedom in the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of
Citizen. What a desire to waste time and complicate things!

COMMISSIONER.—There is no doubt that the case is of great res-

responsibility. (Energetic.) But let's see, have they become
Crazy all? Who here are the sane ones, sir?

DON PACO.—Look here; these were the ones in the morning.

the MADMEN.) In the afternoon these others. (Points to the Crazy.)

COMMISSIONER.—Now, I want to know who they are now.

DON PACO.—But, let's see, haven't they come with you?

forces?

COMMISSIONER.—Yes, sir. There are people waiting at the door for my

orders.

DON PACO.—Then (with a tone of great confidence and to

same time of great joke.) there is nothing more to talk about; the crazies and the
The sane are those you say.

VISITOR (Discovering the ADMINISTRATOR among the BODIES

Oh!... But are you there?... Well, I already know who they are.

COMMISSIONER (Eagerly).—Of course! You are the one who can me

say those who were locked up with you, those who were like
you.

VISITOR.—Yes, sir. Those who were like me and those who are-
they're worse than me.

COMMISSIONER.—Who?... Who?...
 VISITOR.—Look at them, man, look at them. Those.
SANE.

COMMISSIONER.—Of course. You are right. I will give the order.

so that they come to put them in line. But how could I not have fallen
Before... with those faces?...(Runs away.)

NOTARY (Shouting loudly). - This is an outrage in-

conceivable! Barbaric... savage!...

DON PACO.—Calm down, man, calm down and listen to me.

One piece of advice: it is more beneficial for you to be one of the peaceful, because if
they will not put the straitjacket on him/her. (Another 'tararí' is heard.)

END OF THE FARCE