A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way - and Getting Away with it

a 2 •hole•ol•o•gy

a 2 •hole•ol•o•gy

Steven B. Green, Dennis Lavalle, and Chris Illuminati

Copyright © 2010 Simon and Schuster

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from

the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-59869-910-5

ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-910-4

eISBN: 978-1-44051-287-2

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the

American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Material from Appendix B has been adapted and abridged from 1001 Ways to Make Money If You Dare by Trent Hamm, copyright © 2009 by F+W Media Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-885-0, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-885-5.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all the budding assholes out there who have yet to realize how important they are to society. You make the world go round, asshole. Now read this book and get out there and asshole it up.

Acknowledgments

A book of such dignity and scope doesn’t happen by accident, it happens by many accidents, and because of the help and devotion of many people.

Thanks to Grace Freedson, our agent, for getting us this plumb assignment.

Thanks to our wives, Dianne and Jeanne, for putting up with all of our asshole tendencies. (We’re not stupid.)

And thanks to all of our asshole teachers, mentors, and role models: You know who you assholes are.

—Steven and Dennis

Disclaimer

You were the one who picked up the book. So you should have an idea as to what you’re in for. Being an asshole has its benefits, but it also has its drawbacks. You will be called out. You will be confronted. So you will need to man up. We’re here to help you become an asshole, not to hear you complain about how hard it is. If you don’t think you’re up for the challenge, don’t bother.

Becoming an asshole is a lifestyle choice. Your friends and family have to deal with the change. And you have to deal with the consequences—the good and the bad. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Contents

Preface

Part I. Defining the Asshole

Chapter 1. What Makes an Asshole?

Chapter 2. The Evolution of the Asshole

Chapter 3. The Asshole’s Ten Demandments

Part II. Becoming an Asshole

Chapter 4. What Type of Asshole Are You?

Chapter 5. Act like an Asshole

Chapter 6. The Asshole at Work

Chapter 7. The Asshole at Play

Chapter 8. The Asshole and the Opposite Sex

Part III. The Aftermath

Chapter 9. You’re an Asshole . . . Now What?

Part IV. A Guide to Recognizing Your Fellow Assholes

Appendix A. The Asshole Guide to Imbibing

Appendix B. The Asshole and the Hustle

FAQs: Frequent Asshole Questions

An Asshole Abroad

About the Authors

Preface

Assholeology is more than a science. It’s an art form. Lucky for you, inside these pages you’ll find a crash course in how to excel at adapting to this lifestyle. It will transform you in a way you couldn’t even begin to imagine. So rather than limit ourselves to your limited imagination, let’s take a look at Kevin. . . .

Kevin is the CEO and owner of a mid-sized company. Kevin went to a good college, an amazing grad school, got his MBA, and after his schooling, he went to work for the company founded by his mother and father. He started in middle management, but, in a very short time, took hold of the daily operations of the entire organization.

He has a good life, a beautiful wife, a gorgeous new house, and two adorable kids. Kevin has a few close friends but a BlackBerry full of contacts and connections. His coworkers and employees think he is a decent boss, but can be kind of a prick in certain situations. He is doing incredibly well for a man of his young age.

There is just something about Kevin that makes him a success. He gives off an aura of confidence that borders on arrogance. He appears more attractive by the way he carries himself in public. He makes an immediate impression on strangers. Some people like him. Some people hate him. Everyone remembers him.

Kevin is an asshole. He does what he wants, when he wants, and makes no apologies or excuses. He doesn’t care. It’s why his wife married him, why his family let him take over the business, why his employees tolerate his actions, why his friends keep hanging around, and why he is so well connected. Everyone lets it all slide.

Kevin wasn’t always this way, though. During college, he was the quiet one in his group of friends. He just went with the flow. Didn’t have much luck with women. Wasn’t ever really noticed. Until he started working at his parent’s company and watching his dad in action. That man could control a room—even beyond the boardroom. When Kevin went out to a restaurant or bar with his dad, everyone wanted to listen to his stories. Everyone wanted to be around him. He was honest, confident, said what was on his mind, and took all the love and hate in stride. In short, he was an asshole. So Kevin worked at mastering the art of assholeology. And lucky for him he succeeded.

Why? Pretty simple. Assholes rule the world.

Read on to learn how you can rule, too.

Part I

Defining the Asshole

Chapter 1

What Makes an Asshole?

Man, she’s gorgeous. She came with a small group of friends, but as far as attached goes, she appears single and available. You rarely approach women in bars, but maybe this time . . . oh, man . . . who the hell is that? It’s that guy from the line out front. Well, technically, he walked past the line and right inside the bar without even getting off his cell phone. He also got the bartender’s attention in a second while you leaned against the bar for ten minutes with your finger in the air, basically begging for service. Why is she talking to him? Does he know her? Are they leaving together? Son of a bitch! What an asshole.

Assholes come in all shapes and sizes. They originate from every background, region, race, and religion. They surround you. There are assholes in your family, in your fantasy football league, and living in the apartment above you (and not just because you keep yelling, Stop jumping around, asshole! every night before bed).

You encounter numerous assholes on the average day. Think of the ass-kisser at work that gets bumped up in rank every year even though he is less productive around the office than the armless night janitor. He does little to earn the cushy corner digs and company rank on his business card, yet he is somehow in on every important meeting, every power lunch, and is the first to get invited to every office happy hour. Ponder the Facebook friend that posts pictures of his amazing weekend excursions to places in the world that you couldn’t point out on a map or even spell correctly to Google search. He takes vacations and trips he doesn’t deserve by mooching off friends, coworkers, and anyone with an empty couch. He never once returns the favor, yet people never seem to mind. Take notice of the guy at the gym who finds a way to flirt, pump, and dump every woman in the evening spin class and still come off looking like a real swell fella. Three prime examples of genuine, 100-percent asshole.

Guess what? Good for them. Assholes have the system beat. They’ve mastered the art of doing little work, having fun, and getting laid even though the general consensus is that they are total jerks. They have learned to work with the skills they were given and manipulate them to their greatest potential.

Assholes have the system beat.

Ponder this: If assholes are so despised, then why do women still want to be with them and men still want to be like them? Why are books, movies, and television shows about assholes so popular? Why do assholes get noticed in every public situation while guys like you could run through a crowded bar with your pants on fire and not get a drink in the crotch from a good-looking woman or a tackle and pat down from another guy? Simple: You don’t stand out. Besides your pants being on fire, you are no different than any other face in the crowd. You are the nice guy no one remembers five minutes after meeting. Assholes are never forgotten.

Why Be an Asshole?

After reading that scenario, the first question that probably popped into your head was, How did my pants catch fire? The second (and more relevant) question you probably asked yourself was, But why would I want to be an asshole? To better explain the why, let’s clear up a misconception about assholes. Assholes are not douche bags; there are assholes and then there are douche bags, and there is a world of difference between the two:

Assholes are never forgotten.

Assholes

The guy at the bar, the jerk at work, the social-networking schmuck, the spin class spinner—those are all prime examples of real assholes. Everything an asshole does is focused on a positive result. They let the ends justify the means. They think their actions through and usually aren’t careless or clueless. Sure, some people get burned by the asshole’s actions, but as the saying goes, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. However, for