A Spiritual Path to a Healthy Relationship: A Practical Approach

Praise for A Spiritual Path to a Healthy Relationship

With rigorously honest good humor, Angie and Steve McCord have let us in on the intimate process of surrendering to love and learning how to give it in the way our partners need. Any recovering person could benefit from the deep insights gleaned from these pages. A loving read and a lovable experience.

Judi Hollis, PhD

Creator of the nation’s first eating disorders unit

Author of Fat Is a Family Affair, Fat & Furious, Hot & Heavy,

and From Bagels to Buddha

Steve and Angie have written an engaging, honest, and practical book based in the ‘experience, strength, and hope’ they have gained in their life together. For singles hoping to find a partner, for those wounded by too many relationships gone awry, or for couples looking to develop deeper and healthier relationships, this book will provide insight and many opportunities to learn. The voice of Angie and Steve, the prayer and the exercises that conclude many chapters, provide not only wisdom but a path to action.

Mary Cross, PhD

I would recommend this wonderful book for any two partners who are setting out on this great journey of healing and recovery and want to learn how to do it together.

Peter K Canavan

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Certified Imago Relationship Therapist

Longing for a fulfilling romantic partnership leaves us famished for true success stories. I deeply appreciate Steve and Angie’s revelations of the specific practices that helped them to evolve as individuals. This practical book demonstrates how a fierce commitment to our own personal growth readies us for a delightful, life-enhancing relationship to unfold.

Linda Bloom

Co-author of 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married:

Simple Lessons to Make Love Last and Secrets of Great Marriages:

Real Truths from Real Couples about Lasting Love

A SPIRITUAL PATH

TO A

HEALTHY

RELATIONSHIP

A Spiritual Path

TO A

Healthy

Relationship

A PRACTICAL APPROACH

STEVE McCORD, MFT & ANGIE McCORD, cc

CENTRAL RECOVERY PRESS

Central Recovery Press (CRP) is committed to publishing exceptional materials addressing addiction treatment, recovery, and behavioral health care topics, including original and quality books, audio/visual communications, and web-based new media. Through a diverse selection of titles, we seek to contribute a broad range of unique resources for professionals, recovering individuals and their families, and the general public.

For more information, visit www.centralrecoverypress.com.

Central Recovery Press, Las Vegas, NV

© 2011 by Steve and Angie McCord

ISBN-13: 978-1-936290-65-9 (paper)

ISBN-10: 1-936290-65-0

ISBN-13: 978-1-936290-77-2 (e-book)

ISBN-10: 1-936290-77-4 (e-book)

All rights reserved. Published 2011. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America.

17 16 15 14 13 12 11          1 2 3 4 5

Publisher: Central Recovery Press

3321 N. Buffalo Drive

Las Vegas, NV 89129

EDITOR’S NOTE: The experiences and opinions expressed in this book are those of the authors only. To protect their anonymity, some of the names of people and institutions have been changed.

Cover design and interior layout by Sara Streifel, Think Creative Design

Dedicated to everyone who longs for love,

to anyone who seeks recovery from any addiction,

and in loving memory of Matthew Becnel,

who wasn’t one of the lucky ones.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This book would not have been possible without the many blessings we have received. We owe our lives, beyond our parents, to our spiritual ancestors Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, whose pain and vision were transformed into Alcoholics Anonymous, the foundation of all twelve-step programs. We are deeply grateful to those who came before us in our fellowships, our couples’ community, and especially to those couples who generously contributed their stories.

We greatly appreciate the support we have received from our friends and family, and a special thanks to Antoinette for being the incentive for Angie to begin her recovery.

We acknowledge Central Recovery Press, its valuable mission, and our expert editor Valerie Killeen.

We are eternally grateful for the forces that brought us together and for the honor and privilege of trying to pass on what has been so freely given to us.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

PART I

What It Was Like: From Desolation to Happily Ever After

1. ANGIE’S STORY

Looking for love in all the wrong places until my real Prince Charming arrived

2. STEVE’S STORY

From hurting to healing to helping

3. REFLECTIONS FOR THE TERMINALLY SINGLE

Affirmations for identifying desired qualities in a mate

4. FROM SEEKING THE RIGHT PERSON TO

BECOMING THE RIGHT PERSON

From self-centeredness to centered selfness

5. RELATIONSHIP WISH LIST

Daring to dream: visioning qualities you want in a relationship

6. DO YOU WANT A LIFE PARTNER?

Daring to hope it is possible

7. OVERCOMING FEAR

Two wolves—which will you feed?

8. INFATUATION OR INTIMACY

A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?

Reflections on areas of compatibility

9. MY MAGIC MAGNIFYING MIND

What I like about you

10. CONFUSION OF NEEDS AND THE THREE

CIRCLES OF SELF-AWARENESS

Honestly facing and discussing must haves and deal breakers

11. THERE ARE NO RULES

Baby steps from self-reliance to partnership

12. SPIRITUAL, PROSPEROUS, AND FUN

Kids with credit cards

13. THE WHOLE PACKAGE

Acceptance and commitment

14. MORE ABOUT GOD’S WILL

Turning our will and lives over, together

PART II

Reality Bites: Living Together = Pouring Miracle-Gro on Character Defects

1. RESTLESS, IRRITABLE, AND DISCONTENT

Recognizing and owning our own moods and negative tendencies

2. HOW GOOD CAN YOU STAND IT?

Navigating away from the trap of self-sabotage

3. HUMILITY

For better or for worse, but not for lunch?

4. THAR SHE BLOWS

Surviving conflict

5. SPACE VS. TOGETHERNESS

More about humility

6. STILL FLAWED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Driving each other crazy (Who, us? Character defects?)

Baby, will you drive my car?

7. AMENDS

Agreement, integrity, and trust

Personal inventory, more about the magic of admitting you are wrong

Would I rather be right, or happy? How important is it, really?

8. FINANCES

Our common welfare

Money, property, besiege

9. WHEN PRINCE CHARMING SCREWS UP

We don’t leave no matter what

10. DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL AND THE FOUR

R’s OF RELATIONSHIP

PART III

Positive Action: Nurturing the Garden

1. COMMUNICATION

What I heard you say is…

On a scale of one to ten

What we hold sacred: five languages of love

2. INTIMACY BUILDERS

Four gateways to intimacy (weekly relationship inventory meeting)

Sharing

Listening

Ten questions game

3. REINFORCING THE POSITIVE

Marriage journal, cherishing the good times

A retreat? No, it’s an advance!

Building and honoring the container

Vitamin G, the gratitude list

Attitude power

4. INSPIRATIONS FROM STEVE’S CLINICAL PRACTICE

Spiritual connection vs. emotional dependency

Helpful ground rules (to a more peaceful relationship)

Rocking the coupleship (with sex and healthy risk-taking)

5. TRADITIONS AND NEW RENDITIONS

6. POWER OF PRAYER AND MEDITATION

Moving it from an individual practice into the relationship

PART IV

Keeping the I in Marriage (When for Me = for Us)

1. BACKGROUND

Practicing self-care

Overview of the recovery process

Spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps

Stages of change

What do you mean by spiritual path?

A clique vs. a community vs. a cult

2. WORKING OUR OWN PROGRAM

It starts with trust. . .

Relying on a higher power, insecurity vs. faith

Sponsorship and passing it on

What I get from helping others

3. HONESTY/AUTHENTICITY

Fake it till you make it or To thine own self be true?

On being real

Grief vs. self-pity

What support looks like to me

The hero’s journey of recovery

PART V

Passing It On as a Couple

1. THEY STOOD AT THE TURNING POINT

Inspiration from other couples

Knowing when to quit

2. COUPLES COMMUNITY

No power, no music

Couples meetings

Couples retreats

3. SUMMARY

APPENDIX I

Sample Couples Meeting Format

INTRODUCTION

Maybe you are one of those lucky men or women who arrived at adulthood emotionally and spiritually ready to step into and maintain a satisfying relationship with a life partner. Perhaps you grew up with two parents who were sufficiently healed from their own wounds, who could cope with the challenges of life, and who were physically and emotionally available for you. Maybe you feel that they had the intuitive ability to deliver what you needed throughout your upbringing. So, you searched for your life’s partner with confidence and a sense of joy and anticipation, and now you are living happily ever after.

However, if this has not been your experience, this book was written for you, especially if you

• Have ever felt you were absent on the day they issued the instruction manual for how to have a relationship that is satisfying and successful (according to your personal definition).

• Have hungered for a life partner but don’t know where to begin.

• Have had the courage and faith to risk stepping into one or more relationships that didn’t turn out the way you had hoped.

• Are currently in a relationship that could be enhanced or taken to the next level, though you don’t know how.

We ourselves had each concluded that perhaps we could not have a healthy partnership with a member of the opposite sex. We had both experienced pain, failure, loneliness, and yearning around our desire for a committed love relationship. For many years, we each worked individually on a spiritual program of recovery from addiction. We each achieved full and useful lives as single people. We came together later in life (at ages fifty-four and forty-four) in a way that we see as divinely guided, first as friends with growing respect and admiration for one another. A strong attraction developed, and we eventually began exploring the intimidating possibility of having a committed relationship with each other.

We then entered a couples community and were inspired by the stories of amazing people (some of which are included in Part V of this book). In some of these marriages, one or both spouses had abused substances or engaged in other destructive behavior for many years prior to recovery. We saw marriages that survived despite addiction, infidelity, death of children, and other seemingly insurmountable obstacles. We thought, here are our healthy role models; these people must really know something about forgiveness. If they could do it, we could do it. We felt hope for achieving what we wanted from a relationship. We took our place in that community, first in our dating stage, and then as a married couple. After a period of time, we began to see how our experience could also benefit others.

We take great joy in sharing our story and offering hope to single people, especially those who are just beginning the recovery journey. Often substance abuse has destroyed relationships, and people enter into recovery with baggage based on their past diseased actions. We offer encouragement that one can move into a position to have a successful relationship by putting the spiritual program of recovery first, praying for God’s will, trusting a higher power, practicing spiritual principles, and being of service.

We also love working with other couples and sharing how we have used tools and spiritual principles to achieve and maintain a happy and contented marriage. That is why we wrote this book—to share our experience in order to help others and to pass along what has been freely given to us.

PART I

What It Was Like:

From Desolation to

Happily Ever After

1

ANGIE’S STORY

Iwas born on February 17, 1947 in Pasadena, California—or so they tell me; I really don’t remember. I have paperwork and no reason to believe in a conspiracy theory, so I take this to be a fact. I was raised in an alcoholic home. Although my father was an alcoholic, there was love in our home. He was prone to occasional rages and sometimes passed along the shame that was given to him by his critical parents. He never physically abused us and did have some admirable qualities, not the least of which was his sense of humor.

In grade school kids made fun of me starting in fifth grade, when a kid named Peter told other kids not to touch my books because I had cooties. This type of treatment persisted through eighth grade, when Glenn said he didn’t think I was so bad, but he couldn’t afford to be seen talking to me too much because it was such a burn. Funny thing, but I took that as a compliment. Then in ninth grade my family moved, so I went to a new school. I was devastated. That was the beginning of a series of events that, at the time, seemed to be the worst things that could possibly happen, but turned out to be the best. At the new school, no one knew I was supposed to be a creep. Kids were nice to me, and I grew up to be homecoming queen. I felt like the ugly duckling that turned into a swan.

I married when I was seventeen. I always liked to say that I married an older man (he was eighteen). He had been captain of the football team, and we rode off into the sunset to have a perfect life.

We got married in Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve in 1964. On August 13, 1965, our daughter was born. Mr. Wonderful had a hard time settling down, and around February of 1969, he left us to live in a fraternity house. I was twenty-two years old, and it was clear that I was not going to have a perfect life, since I was facing divorce.

That is when I began drinking addictively. I went out with several guys, and for a while I had a nice boyfriend to whom my daughter became attached. When we broke up, I became involved with an abusive young man. I was worried for my daughter’s safety and was relieved when the time came for her annual visit to my