Tell It Like It Is..: A Journey Through Abuse

TELL

IT LIKE IT IS . . .

A Journey Through Abuse

Sharon Adams

Copyright © 2011 by Sharon Adams.

ISBN:          Softcover                                 978-1-4628-8454-4

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4628-8455-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

Foreword

Introduction

CHAPTER 1    Innocence at play . . .

CHAPTER 2    Discovery . . . Observe/Witness

CHAPTER 3    Testing/Rebelling

CHAPTER 4    Awareness . . . Experimenting leads to confusion

CHAPTER 5    Making Atonement

CHAPTER 6    Deal with what is . . . .

CHAPTER 7    Acceptance . . . Healing

Conclusion

Additional Reading

Acknowledgements

References

Experience It . . .

                        Live It . . .

                                        Tell It . . .

                                                        Solve It . . .

Foreword

God created all mankind as equal, unique individuals with special gifts and talents, an ingenious body and a brilliant mind. We are creatures of habit that think, talk and act out our daily lives from conditioned ways. And all of these conditioning, habits and patterns come from a belief and representational system. See sketch and explanation below.

(Adapted Diagram www.neurolinguistic.co.za )

All of us run a representational system twenty-four-seven unconsciously, which describes how we perceive and record events that we experience. Representational systems can be referred to as the ‘navigational chart of events’ and not the event itself. We use our five senses of smell, taste, hear, touch and see, to record events and recall them from memory.

Each one of us processes information differently from one another, by creating their own internal representation of an outside event. These internal representations are not the events themselves, but are the way the individual has interpreted them based on personal experiences of life and social conditioning. That perception of the event determines the individual’s thoughts, emotions and behavior. How? By making use of filters like distortion, deletion, or generalizing.

We delete out of fear and act either by fight, flight, defending ourselves, escaping or blocking out the incident. For those of us who distort we make use of selective hearing which talks loudly of our insecurities, we avoid conflict, seek attention and approval, and want to be liked. We generalize when we stereotype everyone and everything based on a trigger that reminds us of an earlier experience.

The belief system:

Our belief system has nothing to do with our religion. Most of our basic beliefs have been acquired between the ages of naught to twenty-two years of age. Naught to six—from our parents who taught values, guided, disciplined, and supported us. Age seven to twelve, we were dictated to by the school and our social environment. Age thirteen to eighteen we got influenced by our peer groups; and eighteen to twenty-two through testing, observing and experimenting. Positive or negative influences can contribute to a healthy or a limiting belief system.

Conditioning:

Conditioning show us how we were taught to do certain things by our parents and believing that it must be done that way because our parents were taught by their parents and it is accepted as norm without any challenges. They are the authorative figures that dictated our rights and wrongs, continued with rituals and traditions that were carried through for generations; the same applies to teachers, professors, government officials and church ministers where the perception is indicative ‘they are educated persons and know best’ and won’t mislead those who follow them.

Patterns:

A pleasant or traumatic experience can trigger emotional responses and can manifest into a belief system which plays itself out in various facets of an individual’s life and when perpetuated by a repetitive action can be seen as a pattern.

As you have read this short explanation of the representational system, you will probably shift uncomfortably around—and if that do happen, then you are in denial of your existence. Be not be dismayed though . . . just be still, have courage and reflect on your current behaviours or actions and link it with your patterns, trace your conditioning and identify your belief system that underpins your emotions and thought processes. You will then see when you have deleted, distorted or generalized situations by perceiving or recording such situations or events as either pleasant or unpleasant. That, my dear friend, is underpinned by your representational system.

Let us a look at how the representational and belief system play itself out. For example, a child who was raped would block out the incident and will carry the deep-seated emotions and thoughts around into adulthood, unless the child is confronted with it. Although there is a yearning for closeness, boundaries are set as to how close they will allow another person into his/her life. Some embrace close contact, others shy away completely from people and others find a ‘middle road’ by allowing another person space of ‘arm’s length’. In other words I will engage with you to a certain point and not further than that. The limiting belief can be: I must be good and do my best; or I must not attract too much attention; or I am not worthy of love

These limiting beliefs and thoughts give rise to emotions of low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, guilt, shame, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger and fear. I can mention more and is sure that you can conjure up much more too, so let us just mention these basic, well-known ones.

When we look at the emotion or feeling of inadequacy what do you think will the behaviour of such an individual be? They will withdraw from doing things, or engaging with people or they will do the bare minimum of what is expected to avoid recriminations or admonishments. Hence the phrase, ‘he/she suffers from withdrawal symptoms’. No, I am not referring to alcohol consumption here where large amounts of alcohol is consumed and afterwards that individual faces the consequences of dehydration or physical withdrawal symptoms and need to have water set the balance right again. To feel inadequate an individual will withdraw or avoid at all costs certain situations, events and even people. Such individuals dislike conflict and avoid confrontations. The less focus on them the better and would thus easily conform, concede to do something, keeping the peace. Do not be misled to think that they are ‘pushovers’, oh no, they have set their own boundaries too.

These impacts on all relationships: family, friends, colleagues; performance at school or work such as an over-achiever, average or under-achiever. Such a person can run a pattern of mistrust and suspicions of perceptive motives of others and can be seen in the behavior and actions of the individual. The manner in which questions are posed and a display of emotions can be aggressive or passive aggressive. The thoughts and actions are driven by this belief, where the individual will go to any lengths of protecting the self and the consequences of that belief system are bitter-sweet most of the time. The art of masking is learnt—pretending that life is good and the individual would act out that belief system and continuously have consequences in different areas of life as incomplete and unfulfilling. They have a tendency to be disgruntled and dissatisfied; they will always be looking for something, being restless, finding themselves at crossroads, taking on various and a number of projects, having to make decisions, constantly seeking . . .

Now let us look how the representational system and limiting beliefs, conditioning, habits and patterns played havoc with someone and impacted on her life taking her on a roller coaster ride of excitement, adventure, joy, contentment and how it changed to fear, intimidation, confusion, shame, anger, guilt, insecurity, low self-esteem, low self-worth, and perceived lack of love.

While reading, determine when the various forms of abuse took place in this person’s life.

There are three questions you can answer for this individual as well as reflect on your own—when you are brave and courageous enough:

•    When are you the abused?

•    When are you the abuser?

•    When are you self-abusive?

Her transformational journey reflects how unresolved thoughts, emotions and behaviours, affected her decision-making processes in work, home, and relationships. Yet, she courageously managed to look deep into the dark recesses of her life, having to go back into her childhood seeking her happiest moments, reflecting on events and coming to the realization that she have to understand herself first, then others in order to be understood, seeking forgiveness and reconciliation to being who she is now and how she finally arrived into her awakened authentic self. By returning to love!

I tribute this book to all those individuals

Males and Females . . .

Who have been subjected to some form of abuse . . .

We were seen as weak at the time of the abuse,

We know we are strong after the abuse,

Yet we are powerful because of the abuse!

Bear in mind

You have a calling,

There are many lessons to be learnt and taught

You have a purpose to fulfill!!

INTRODUCTION

First of all we have to find out what are the definitions of the various forms of abuse in order to understand it. We hear people talking about verbal, physical, financial, emotional, psychological, mental and sexual abuse. Then others refer specifically to substance abuse, some refer to child, domestic and senior abuse solely. It does not matter what type of abuse is at play, the individual on the receiving end will experience discomfort of some sort. We will look at the definition of abuse holistically as it plays out in our daily lives in some way or another.

What is abuse?

Abuse is the misuse of power and the want to exert control over others. To treat someone cruelly or violently, or speaking to someone in an insulting way. There are various ways of abuse that takes place randomly and on a daily basis, noticed and unnoticed. Here are more:

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is the spoken language used in various forms to humiliate, embarrass or hurt the receiver, including bullying. Making them think and believe that they are inadequate, useless, and worthless.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is the physical force or violence that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. It includes assault, battery, and inappropriate restraint.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any form of non-consensual physical contact. It includes rape, molestation, or any sexual conduct with a person who lacks the mental capacity to exercise consent.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse arises from exerting of power over another through withholding, cheating, bribery and spans a broad spectrum of conduct.

Emotional /Psychological / Mental Abuse:

Emotional abuse is any behavior designed to control another person with fear, humiliation, and/or verbal assaults. It includes verbal abuse or constant criticism and more subtle tactics such as intimidation and manipulation. It systematically erodes a person’s self-confidence, self-worth, and trust in their own perceptions. Emotional abuse is a form of blackmail, which can traumatize the victim. It can result in convincing the person that s/he is worthless, to the extent that s/he believes herself unworthy of love, care and support. Thus, s/he remains with the abusive partner, believing that no other partner would desire a relationship with her/him.

Emotional abuse of children can result in serious emotional and/or behavioral problems, including depression, lack of attachment or emotional bond to a parent or guardian, low cognitive ability and educational achievement, and poor social skills.

Emotionally abused children consistently found them to be angry, uncooperative and unattached to their primary caregiver. The children also lack creativity, persistence and enthusiasm.

Children who experience rejection are more likely to exhibit hostility, aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior, to be extremely dependent, to have negative opinions of themselves and their abilities, to be emotionally unstable or unresponsive, and to have a negative perception of the world around them.

Children who see or hear their mothers being abused are victims of emotional abuse too. Growing up in such an environment is terrifying and severely affects a child’s psychological and social development. Male children may learn to model violent behavior while female children may learn that being abused is a normal part of relationships. This contributes to the inter-generational cycle of violence. Many women in physically abusive relationships feel that the emotional abuse is more severely debilitating than the physical abuse in the relationship. Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effects on the self-esteem and contributes to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame. Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about whereabouts and activities are controlling behaviours which can severely restrict a partner’s independence and freedom. Social and financial isolation may leave her dependent upon the abuser for social contact money and the necessities of life.

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems. Women who are psychologically abused but not physically abused are five times more likely to misuse alcohol than women who have not experienced abuse.

Refer to the last section for the reality check which will be helpful . . .

CHAPTER 1

Innocence at play . . .

A child is born with innocence and don’t know at birth what will be taught during and on its life’s journey. From the age of naught to six years authorative figures like parents, church leaders, teachers and professional figures guide, advice, support, influence, teach values and principles that provides so many thoughts in the process of nurturing the good and the bad . . .

A value and belief system