THE ASSERTIVENESS POCKETBOOK

By Max A. Eggert
Drawings by Phil Hailstone
Dedication This book is dedicated to my son, Max Charles, who, in spite of my influence, is very much his own man and, for one so young, has developed his own way of being assertive. Max, Im proud of you. Thanks to Donna Coiera for transforming my handwriting into an acceptable WP format.

Will appeal to anyone in human resources or management training. It is successful in keeping jargon to a minimum without loss of precision. The concepts are immediately relevant, and each page will offer you a new idea, a new skill or a new way to look at a situation. Louise Campbell, Associate Director, Human Resources, Societe Generale Australia Ltd. This pocketbook provides at a glance the skills required for a lifetime. Tracey Luscombe, Human Resource Manager, Manchester Unity Friendly Society in NSW.

CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION 1 Definition, popularity, with whom can you be assertive, why now, when to use it, assertiveness and integrity, keeping a balance THREE BEHAVIOUR TYPES 9 Three options, non-assertive behaviour (reasons, mind games, musts and obligations, self talk, inner voices), aggressive behaviour, assertive behaviour (advantages, liberation circle, affirmations) RIGHTS & RESPONSIBILITIES 35 Definitions of basic assertive rights, corresponding responsibilities, rights and responsibilities at work ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS 53 Body language, receiving and giving criticism, receiving positive feedback, disagreement process, I statements, asking for what you want, broken record, negative assertion, fogging, negative enquiry, power words ASSERTIVE ACTIVITIES 91 General advice points, ten activities to practise assertive behaviour

ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

HOW TO DISAGREE
Being assertive means having your own views. Since others will also have their views, this means that occasionally there will be disagreements. Acquiescing or, the opposite, attacking, are not constructive responses. Following a simple step-by-step process will help you put your case without getting emotional, losing your integrity or losing your respect for the other person. The Process 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. *
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Affirmative Statement Softening Statement Indicate Process State Reasons Disagree Offer a compromise* The compromise is optional and it is for you to decide whether or not to make a concession.

ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

DISAGREEMENT PROCESS
1. The Affirmative Statement This is simply saying YES. It might sound strange saying this when you are disagreeing. But if you say NO the other person immediately goes into argument mode and is less likely to listen. You are using yes to prepare them for what you are going to say, not to indicate that you agree with them. 2. The Softening Statement Most peoples views are influenced by their background, experience or profession. You can show that you recognise this within the context of a softening statement. Here are some examples:G G G G

As an engineer I can understand why you take such a position As someone much older than myself, with different values, I can understand where you come from As a man working in a traditional male environment and culture I can understand why you said that As a manager whose prime responsibility is for output I can understand your position makes a great deal of sense

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ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

DISAGREEMENT PROCESS
3. Indicate Process This explains to the person the process you will use to outline your position or your reasons for the stance that you have taken. Here are some examples:
G G G G

If I may, I would like to say something about that ... Let me give you my reasons Can I tell you how I have arrived at my viewpoint ...? Let me outline briefly my position and the reasons for it ...

If there is going to be any sensible discussion, the other person has to let you put your case. If they are not prepared to listen then you are wasting your time anyway, and it would be better to terminate the discussion immediately. 4. State Reasons Here you simply give the reasons or justification for your position. This can either be done in a straightforward way, or you can give a balanced view of pros and cons, explaining why you have come down on the side that you have.
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ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

DISAGREEMENT PROCESS
5. Disagree Do not apologise or use tentative language here. Use the strongest language that you can, remembering to accompany what you have said with appropriate body language. Here are some examples:
G G G

So I cannot agree with you So I must disagree So I think you are mistaken

The two letters of the adverb so are exceptionally powerful because they make your conclusions so logical and natural. 6. Compromise This is optional, but helpful if there is little or no cost to you. However, your compromise should always be conditional on your getting what you want (see examples).

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ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

DISAGREEMENT PROCESS
EXAMPLES
Position: I dont think you should go out tonight Affirmative Softening Indicate State Disagree Compromise 1. Yes 2. I can quite understand why you would like me to stay in and keep you company as I have done the last three Saturdays 3. Let me explain why tonight is so important to me 4. I particularly want to see this production of Macbeth because it has had excellent reviews and if I dont see it tonight I will miss it 5. So I have decided that I am going to go out 6. But I am more than happy to keep you company tomorrow.

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ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

DISAGREEMENT PROCESS
EXAMPLES
Position: I want you to work overtime tonight Affirmative Softening Indicate State Disagree Compromise 1. 2. 3. 4. Yes, I can understand that We have been short staffed all week and I know it has been difficult But I have to tell you something I have not seen my children very much this week and tonight I promised to take them to the park 5. So I cannot work overtime tonight 6. Would it be helpful if I stayed tomorrow?

Position: You cant have an increase in salary Affirmative Softening Indicate State 1. 2. 3. 4. Yes, it must be difficult I know that business has not been good these last 6 months But my position is this I was promised a raise within 3 months of starting and that was deferred; I have now been here 12 months, and besides doing good work, you have increased my responsibilities considerably 5. So it is important that I get the pay rise due to me. Thank you. 71

Disagree

ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

I STATEMENTS
I statements are among the most powerful you can make, both for yourself and others. In I statements you are affirming who you are and what you want. Using them is the hallmark of assertiveness. I statements can be used in a variety of ways:
G G G G G

Situation Interpretation and understanding Feelings and emotions Wants and needs Future actions

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About the Author

Max A. Eggert BSc, MA, FCIPD, CFAHRI, ABPS, MAPS Max is a management psychologist specialising in assisting individuals reach their maximum potential. Besides being retained by major international corporations as coach, mentor and strategist, he has been interviewed frequently on TV, radio and in the print media both in Australia and in Europe. Max has degrees in psychology, industrial relations and theology. He has fifteen books in print in twelve languages, one of which is a standard text and two are frequently in the ten best business books. Several of his books are on the recommended reading lists of Sydney, London, Harvard, Westminster and Sussex Universities.
Contact Level 31 88 Phillip Street Sydney NSW 2000 Australia Tel. Fax. Mobile E mail: +61 2 8211 0500 +61 2 8211 0555 040 360 2286 [email protected]

"Max is an international psychologist who has the gift of making the complexities of human behaviour understandable and relevant to business." Financial Times, London