You can thrive this winter Your life, your way ae THEFORCE BE WITH YOU Asurprising energy trick you're missing b= AN a Their future starts today From their very fst days your baby starts tonite their future, and breastik aves them the best startin bf Ifyou choose to move on, Aptari with Pronutrat. Follow On milks our mast advanced formula yet. Inspired by 30 years of research it contains our highest ever levels of Omega 3 to support normal vsuat development, a well as iron to support normal cognitive _developmant. Helping you lay the foundations for your babys future For more information vst Aptaciu couk/pronutra ig 0 ments nara ret: eased bes for your bby alow On isha ny De sed tutte blr eth Use nthe av fr hate pesos tl ane dt annotateCONTENTS JANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES 7 a 9 u 6 6 124 130 * COVER STORY REGULARS EDITOR'S LETTER LETTERS VD LIKE To THANK... THE FIX EVENTS BOOKS STOCKISTS, SALLY BRAMPTON 20 * PROFILE 25 See page 34 for this montis print and digital ‘Subseriptions offers Adele “| have insecurities of course, but | don't hang out with anyone who points them out” FEATURES MIND EXPERIMENT Martha Roberts feeling playful heresy youshoull too VM DREAMING OF A QUIET CHRISTMAS Rosie Fouls ctr her survival guide forintroverts during the party season % GETTING NOWHERE FAST Olver Burkeman debunks five myths that might be behind you feeling constartly overworked MARY FENWICK Our wise agony aunt ackises saderscntherprabiems YOUR WAKE-UP CALL FOR 2016 Chris Baréz-Brovinirvites youlamnshath Stop operating onautoptot 63 * THE DOSSIER 64 70 2 76 80 Nourish your love How To SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (What doyoudo when you'ee things have gone sof tack hat you onder i fp areata? he Sha anak heen DEALING WITH ARGUMENTS Sur Atotiatvaeruc nthe besty LGasprachinedtablexanfics LOVE cHRoNicLes Three women share erlove stories ‘TEST: WHAT KIND OF COUPLE ARE YoU? Take our test and find out ~ and see ifyoucan get your partner totryit, too SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP Sign up to Psychologies’ new online course now :CONTENTS JANUARY 2016 FEATURES 40 SIBLING FALLOUT ‘What do you do when your heart's broken by abadrelationship — with your brother or sister? 46% INTO THE LIGHT Rachel Kelly lists the little things she does on her quest lo move from law spirits tocalm wellbeing 50 MY HOME eur Lissen Marschall on 3 wherever she's in the world Danish entrepr Complete this form andi to yeurleal shop. They arrange for 2eopy ofeach isue tobe reserved {or you. They may even be abe to liver toyour home just ek? 56 SHARED VALUES 83 58 HAPPINESS CLUB 86 9 : | PSYCHOLOGIES 7 BsyCHOLOGIES| szrscmtawertosscon 9 | 101 pucascresenveroeuven «102 | Porcnotoaies on REGULAR Baste STARTING ii disso tos | awe no A ae ais i 4 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 THE BOOST BEAUTY EDIT Bring on the gitter, frost and shimmer. MINDFUL BEAUTY Suzanne Duckett looks at er beauty brands % THE POWER OF THE REST DAY Triathlete and author, Lucy Fry, looks atthe tendency to train toohiard, and the impact this can have on yourhealth and fitness WELLBEING NOTES Why it's important to leave time for pleasure SIGNED COPY Creator of many famous fr AzziGlas nally inteligent. rances, perfumer rts now launching her own range THE RETREAT SPECIAL DELIVERY Anindulgent dish makes the perfect gift tomake and take when visitng lovedones NUTRITION NOTES Eve Kaliiklearns about natural wines ij WARM UP. Create acosy look withwarm colours and textures this winter TRAVEL Lizzie Enfield takes her children on the Camino, and Amerley Ollennu enjoys time outinLondonGOOD THOUGHTS “The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts” MARCUS AURELIUSPSYCHOLOGIES Kotsoy Moa, Cudham The ar, Bry Ht Guar Ken THUG Sh (O1se5501642 eral ttersBnsjercoses cout) Tre Fate) enes Dag tr Lean ners race feet fst ‘eset artes Enron ator geen Dns ode Eat Heath ele Oct Era hn Petre aera ery it SPs eso Octo Nabid ‘besos ise ee AVERTING PRODUCTION ‘amc nage rs Aen Se Acer [vee ttnaeete cous ‘arty Sas re errg0989542918) Saisie Gre (E9587) ipereegaratitay ik Fran Spee cyt (17322537) ‘emery Peston Meg hrs center Nomagn Dred Pesce Cau Emcee gh Gomanine net Fran bret Far Sg ‘Gee res iy Oat Erm Falarbsaen None Serr sr Sere Deen ag Can Suttons Met eres Banal rape esaceson el Minagerohs Basset rag Se esas) 7 ‘SUBSCRIPTIONS ss of ayes ae ‘kamal br pre 1, pez Ueto sestame es Faeroe Corer Sees ar "We i Be Hot er TNE. ts ihn in ssrptn tesncu weiehephayen ey ‘Ass eaorbe? opus rn ‘Sumesejoousteogta DisTIBUTON& PRINTING Waar ttn 2 Part ra Wt aha (WEED one Root wanethorsats Soja ci 2a Pay Aeros ebaasAo0c smack = Gan caneestarcerett, GPsvenoLooits WAeAZINE JANUARY 2016 COE Meet three of the people who have taken part in the creation of this issue of Psychologies Naomi Elliott illustrator Lvingand working London Naooinan ‘hater whose Wosbee ered ‘The Suni Tne, Crain Rei and Martha Sener tag Shereapedthe nese ‘orkngon apis by Rachel ell shoeing ‘eon teprtwardsahapperexisenoe Tes socasytn get eeptup inthe deathat we ie tomevefanard thaws frstotaetinetn ous epprecisto wha singonarond {Tear moreon ped Leonie Morse Photographer Whennotsooting for eitorialorcommercial ) ellen find Leone workngonher poets wth mocks, statersand teenage mis, With adrivetocapturethetraresenevofthe people sh'sshooting Lenio war aperfetchoicoto wore vith the Womeninour nourish your love’ Doser. ‘Sho wasinepzedby theft that'each bd made a lve lil-changngdeisontoimprone herlove lfesndhappinesSeetheresltsan page 72 ie Lizzie Enfield Journalistand novelist Whenyouthinkos pilgrim, you probably don't agineawoary mum draggin children bond 2h: But journalist creative wntingteacherand velit nia Enie sed challenges Ny parentsbelieedintougheningusup,soholidays Samolsadanicuntain cin rola viet ‘histubbedosfonme. Why else would sugsest aetllspigimage tomy wo cdr? Find out what happened on page 8 {ei ee reat ge (Gremanemmestg Sees eh rn catapiceenwnrns {feather Reber SecafewosmrneanEDITOR'S LETTER The power of love ‘This month, we've put connection and healing our relationships at the heart of our magazine. Research shows that people with strong and broad social relationships are happier, healthier and live longer. But who wants to live a long life without love? Our culture may measure success on how much you have or do ~ but at Psychologies, we like to think ofa loving life as a successful life We're talking about a philosophy based on loving kindness, focusing on what we can give, versus what we can get, on choosing to be kind over being cruel, choosing love over fear. Relationships are not always straightforward though, are they We have to be brave enough to make ourselves vulnerable, to ris! rejection, to let down our defences enough to allow ourselves to be trulyscen and be loved for who we really are, instead of who we think we should be. It's not eas: ‘And there is nothing so painful as when relationships go awry. On page 40, Sophia Smith tackles family rifts in her honest and moving account of how she is trying to find a way to reconnect t ter she no longer speaks to, Ifi’s your romantic relationship that’s out of kilter, then our 18-page Dossier (page 63) can help, with its in-depth look at all the new research on what makes relationships thrive. We are also delighted to launch Psychologies’ very first online cours with relationship expert Sarah Abell. What: state your relationship is in, it’s the perfect love MOT to take this winter (page 80), Of course, one of the most important relationships to nurture is the one we have with ourselves. On page 46, Rachel Kelly gives us tips forall seasons on how to love ourselves back to health next year. And we celebrate the queen of love lostand found on page 20." Hello’ to you too, Adele! Welcome back, we've missed you. S of Suzy GreayesViewpoint Let us know what you think of the magazine and each month we'll publish the best letters SNe NICE QUALITIES {got ahd while boing nice (November issue. Tye always ben told | need to ‘toughen up’ But I'mnet tough: care about people's feelings, I dislike confrontation, and perform best in positive environment, not a back-stabbing one Reading your article was rele ithelped me torealise | don't need to apologise or be embarrassed, Somy goal now is to appreciate ‘my empathy skis more and not resent myself for being what | proviously saw as ‘pushover: Laura THE WINNER THIS MONTH ‘This photo was taken ona very hot August dyin Croatia, on my tirst visit the histori, beautiful and busy Old ‘Town of Dubrovnik. The real magic was in the less hectic alleys and stone stairways that led high above the crowds tothe top ofthecity walls. Her, ike this bie, ‘Would you like to showcase your talents Jn Psychologies? Each mont, we ask You to submit a photo on atheme. Wellprint ur winner in the next issue of Psychologies and on psychologies. co.uk, and the winner gets a prize! The next theme is‘Celebration! Send your ‘photo attached in an email with your ‘address, to picturestpaychologies ‘co.uk by midnight on 31 December* WIN! ‘THis MONTH'S STAR LETTER | found solitude ~ so ‘AND PHOTO unexpected, 1was a few ‘COMPETITION ‘minutes’ walk from the PRIZE: hustie and bustle, but Goldtaden felt an amazing sense of remoteness and peace. Vietorla Twiggs. products wert £92 uk pacenk Stee eral 8 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016REWRITE +> YOURLIFE, ANOVEL APPROACH | was interested the idea of each person ‘iting their own story and sometimes misrepresenting themselves inthe process (Novernber issue). Theidea of the reckoning, the rumble’ and the revolution ‘appealed so much that | decided t try it ‘uo toa family situation ve felt low for ‘months. | pretended my curtent situation was a novel and wrote the last paragraph ofthe final chapter. worked on two versions; one that outlined what | wanted tohappen, another that was more likely. My startling realisation was that both versions would be manageable, in afferent ways. had options | hadn't considered and ‘the process made me far more optimistic, What an interesting way to look at problems pick up a pen and write the ending, Jo SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. Laays look forward to setting down with anew issue of Psychologies and a cup of ‘ea I's ke an old friend has come rounds fora chat and! eagerly look forward to ‘some pleasurable time catching up.'m going to be off my feet literally) for six ‘Weeks after bunion surgery. and have been planning how Filoccupy mysel. have decided to ‘save up'thernext few issues so that they will keep me happily occupied ‘while recuperate. just need to exercise ‘some discipline now and not dip into thern Lntilafter the operation! Miriam inane feedback Tdlike to thank... Dear aay inthe Lift, Youllooked aver at mend gushing told mehow much ‘you liked my hai, swifly followed with what acute baby! when you laid eyes on my son. Ieplied ‘thank you? ‘and managed to only Weep a few tearsafter youl got out ofthe lif: My husband understood why Wewerean our way up tothe paediatric ward to discuss treatment options with the neurosurgeons. Ourbeautifulbabyboy who was born at 27 weeks, had developed a condition caled hydrocephalus, wihich was ‘hard to copewithon top of his ehroniclung disease. That inter he barely left the house apart from hospital trips, and with oxygen prongs up his nose, this was usually ‘what people would comment on. You were the fst person to see past the tubes and coo at him in away most people become accustomed to and take for granted ‘As or my hair ittaokalot for mete leave ay baby boy fora fewhours while went tothe hairdresser. felt guilty and hated to be away rom him after months lofmissing out while he stayed onthe neonatal ward, ‘tmust have felt lke asmall act of kindness, but can't ‘hank you enough for how much you lifted my spirits on that very dark day. It fet like you were meant tobe there ‘Three yearson, our son hasexceededallour expectations and Iam much better at looking after ‘myself haven't forgotten your kindness. Thank you ‘THis MONTH'S LETTER. (OF GRATITUDE WINS.. eae mee year igital subscription toFyctologes, wrth £2898 aCe JANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINESIntroducing the first Org anic ss0¢ = — Oo oO = al RGA + eae ORGANIC SCANDINAVIAN Viridian 2,\Neow TROUT ONEGA OIL Fresh & pure ly controtedinland Pr Eco-friendly rnaturaly-oceurring fatty acids ‘atbon footprint PURITY HARITY NVIRONMENT la as See saectaa ae Eeat agateNews | Reviews | Books | Film | Art | Ideas BAN Tena! 016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE ILTHE FIX Cen nen ANOTABLE WOMAN: THE ROMANTIC JOURNALS OF JEAN LUCEY PRATT edited by Simon Garfield (Canongate, £20) Jean Lucey Pratt began keeping a creed lary in 1925, aged 35, and continued Lsoecens ‘towrite her thoughts and feelings Lunt her death in 1986, The 45 exercise books (ete by Simon Garfield) are full of observations Soreness ine tough Word or uti eee theemotona eet that st TAKE MULTIPLE tine cheat of book ee Jean cars schoo crushes with a lovely ssn THROUGHOUT THE YEAR RATHER THAN Sitter wth her yn teacher a seg fom tacts -amt_THE'TRADITIONAL TWO-WEEK HOLIDAY, ‘and sorrows of her grown-up love ASIT HELPS US FEEL MORE RESTED* iteynhich are rug th my, Unrequtedfeings Gossip, ny ane spied, ears aves are fresh nd wonder EF GONE FISHING Experts predict thet depression will become the second leacing cause il health ty 2020. But recent studies” have found that eating fish could reduce the risk of daprossion by 7 per cent, although strangely the evidence only points ‘othis phenomenon in Europ. Fish. 12 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016Wake up and smell the coffee From Chinate Colombia, and Ethiopia toBrazi, photographer Sebastao ‘Salgado, himsefnativetoa coffee growing regionin Braz takes Us ona glabalphotographic tour of sustainable coffe farming, His stunning photographs reveal the history rituals and eationships built aroundtairexchange and quality You Jmmost smellthecote, BOOKS TO SOOTHE THE SOUL WELOVE: A Snow Gardens& Other Stories (Doubleday, £0.99) OUR FRIENDS AT BBC RADIO 4 TELLUS WHY YOU'LLLOVE THIS BOOK: ‘ohristmas is almost upon us’ says Radio 4 producer Gemma McMullan, ‘and what better way to spend it than curled up with Radio 4 and.a selection of seasonal tales? From an unexpected birth create ananiteoarn ae divorced father’s wish to give his two little Fi i acerca One Oe ‘cenaunteearaccencot Since care pencmnenr pores collection and prepare to fallin love with RACHEL JOYCE Christmas all over again” “ iby Hace GARDEN Youean ear A Siow Garden & Other St JANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 13,THE FIX WHO IS THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL? Believing that creativity, kinnessand inteligencs can beimproved and enhancedis ‘empoweringanecan propel usento succeed nour goals, ultimately resttingia happiness. Butnewresearch* hasfoundithat he opposteis ‘rue when tcomesto our looks, Researchers oundithat ‘women withmalleabe beets about beauty - whobelieved thatwtheffortthey could become more beauttul - were AS jr) = more likely tobase their sll ELL BAIA: vworthon looks andare therefore ld LIA} atahigher isk of appearance related annie (interestingy. ‘he esults were nat oundin men). Researchers suggest this, could be due topressure trom images of womenin the media. THE NUMBER WORK HARD, OFTIMES WORKOUT AROUND THE HARDER WORLD APERSON WILL eam WALK IN AN AVERAGE boosting brain heath But LIFETIME’ wtheniteomestomemory, ‘turns out that working out straight afterlearningean helpto soliaity thenew Information in ourminds** Exercise excites the bodyin similar way to an emotional lexperience~ and these ‘emotional memories are known to be the mast long-lasting memories we ccanhave; we bet you stil remember your firsts, for example. duyenate trainers, EMER TreLabe Enon Teen nee 1M PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016Carol ist yang a co RSA (Suntiad spans vuaaubarnentuedaia cciniau pe tirlctaaersnsterensaa sa eeteen eee criccupet uaneoay steeper ot Se eee wRotcahteaanehsoun dees anundone veo Tah eharnconmlcacaiycoasestena aiceceabnh ener eieeastnes Sours ioangomenniergte wa acre SCHOOL OF LIFE LESSONS “Knowing yourself is about asking the right questions — but it’s also about giving yourself the time, space and permission to answer them honestly” ToMCHATFIELD ie Btu |ANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 15Se) Sa Alzheimer’s cineiis™ alzheimers.org.uk/trekking Societyhh -Keepon keeping on Wise words from someone who knows a thing or two about never givingup yl Strayed. author of bestseling memoir Wil: A ‘Journey From Last to Found (Attic, £8.99), has ust brought ‘uta new book ot quotations called ‘Brave Enough: A Mini instruction ‘Manual for the Soul. Here, we share ‘eur favourite quotations from her con never giving up.no matter what Fip this page out, stickit on your ‘ridge, and inscribe these words on your soul very la ey thang There it nly one rection: toward the ight. ‘Your light. The one that goes blink, blink, blink inside your ehest when know what you're doing sight! ‘its folly to measure your success THE FIX JANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 17Booking now for pXon Ke FABER’ ACADEMY CREATIVE: WRITING COURSES WITH CHARACTER MEMOIR & LIFE WRITING with Julia Blackburn WRITING A NOVEL with Esther Freud & Richard Skinner GETTING STARTED with Kerth Ridgway VISIT FABERACADEMY.CO.UK OR CALL US ON 0207 927 3827Dancing in the dark Elizabeth Heath Dee eer a ee rae ee eee eine es eee ety Be ee eer tory ee ee Ds] nal story about r See eee esc ee ee ene at there's another turn of the screw Poreatreerc rere ees read, ull of northern grit and black reece ere ey ees oe eee ot ered THE FIX lier ‘Ann comes through ital and there ea eer Ts prey rer rene Cy rete aa Falling, Dr od id a foment) Sree eed De eae) ee eer See |ANUARY 2026 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 19profile 20) so Vv we love ADELE Talented, down to earth, bold and honest... in celebration of Adele’s new album release, we share the love \WOHDS APRIL CLARE WELSH PHOTOGRAPH JESSE JOHN JENKINS CAMERA PRESS Despite being just 27 it eet ike adete has been providing us with the soundtrack to ou ig loves and bearthreaks for atime. But Adele Laurie Blue Adkins omly graduated from the BRIT School of Performing Arts in 2006 ~amere 10 years ag. And ts been gute a decade, From being named. one of TIME magne’ most intent people i the word to being an awarded an MBE, anda Golden Globe and Oscar (or SkyfalfAdele'ssuccess has bowballed since her debut album, 17, was released in 2008, How do you follow that? By creating second, 20-millon sling mul-avard-winnng album, 2.201 of course! Her holy anticipated third album, 25, yas released a November and, ee eee el eee eee en ier honeatyvunerablity abd graundedness. Here wechare why welowe Adee. >>> 20 PsveWoLoGies MAGAZINE JANUARY 2015She doesn’t try tohide away. “Tmabig personality. Lwalkint room, bigand tall and loud" And TV ‘execs have learned not to cuter off hile she’sacceptingherawards because she will ip the finger on live TV. Butshe gets stage just the samen ‘get sonervouson stageT can'thelp but talk. [oy tellingmy Drain to stopsending ‘words tomy mouth, Dut get nervous She isa passionate supporter f'charitable causes. Aswellasardently allyingthe eause of World ‘Water Day, for er 2011 tour, Adele demanded Uhat all guests with complimentary tickets donate ‘money to Sands, aUK charity that supports Deveaved patents and research into stilbirths. . She's She hasn’t supportive forgotten of other where she’s ee . = on social come from, media. Seven yearsafter Hometown Gloryand Adele till celebrates her London rootsin thesong River Lea:"Tottenhamnis andturninto my rymind, body and soul? srandma = z She’s always a professional no matter what. While recording 22,Adcle found outheres-boyfriend was engaged, but she was back in thestudlio the dayafte.‘She was obviously quite fragile and very open about what had happened. But she ha fire inher belly sald producer Paul Epworth Sheis extremely honest, especially after havinga fewdrinks.. ‘Adrunktongucisanhonestone inmy opinion. That'sdefinitely my motto, inlife, she said."That'swhy | dontrealy ike drinking nomore ‘Thepanieyougetwhen youwake upthenest morning She never wants tolose touch with reality ‘t'snotme tryingtobe liket*kinganti-famous; Ijustwant ta have areallifesoTcan ‘write records. No-one wantsto listen ‘toarecord from someone that's lost touch with reality. So live alow-key life for my fans. People may think T've changed, but [iketo think Dhaven't? 22 PaveHOLoaitS MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 She understands how: destructive fame is. ‘Tm just frightened ofit,you know? I'm frightened ofit destroying me. get frightened for the people ove, feelinglike they’velost me? She’shonest about motherhood. ‘Wtshard.I thought it ‘would be easy, butit’sthe greatest thing Lever did? Adele never hasabad word tosay about her peers on social media, especially Twitter; instead she is full ofpraise for the likes of Kanye West (CLlove himso much and Frank Ocesm amongothers Her debut album, 19,.went seven times platimar Released in 2008, J0wasmorethan ‘commercial success itwas certified seven times platinum inthe UK and shifted an estimated seven million copies worldwide. She'sachart toppe! Adele’album, 2,spent23 swoeksat the top ofthe UK album charts, toppedthe charts in over 30 countries andis estimated to havesold over IL million copiesinthe USalone. She’s still a gushing fan. When Adele met Stevie Nicks ata Fleetwood Mac concert, she tweeted: ‘tonight was THE best night of my life. Tlove you Stevie Nicks!”profile € Sheaccepts €) J Shelovesher mum, herself. She's thecalmest person UNV srerjoyneingine really strongandelever Btepentanineredibie | keersendweuewtwart GY GA) Leamington wrecks a oe issue; ['ve never hung outwith alottohe longestranminginthetop | HSitssurles ofcouse.bat Adel’ date adnotngto spot since Prince in 1985, don'thangoutwithanyone who dowithmoney or fame, but was tha points them out” shepassedher drivingtest! Her latest video for her J She’stried internet dating, ewest song Hello gained the ‘Adele revealed she once signed up to ©) most views ever in 24 hours. ©) aaatingsteIwasdrunt-upsetand ‘Vero announced that, with Her music moves us. ’ © She loveslistening (Fy Weve stthadacrytoan » soppy songs. Adelesongane, according Adelemayhavemade the psychologists, Someone ike You features perfect breakcup album, but while ‘appogylatura (grace notes) thatereate others cry over her songs, she gets tension and provide emotional relief emotional over Labrinth’s Jealous: “The inute that piano starts I'm like snot going everywhere. I can't eope with lay ‘that song, You could play it at my kid's birthay and I burst into tears. next to what 2 she’s most g proud of, ) $F She'swon86awards and she displays themnext toherson's drawings. And finally... : She refuses to be ; pigeonholed. ‘Tveneverwanted to ‘She lovesher dogas muchas welove looltlike models on the cover of ‘our Psychologies office dog, Oscar. magazines. I represent the majority of women and I'm very proud of that. 1O Sieessitent ‘Adele asa Wiener Dachshund a P Forcedtocancel the majority called Louis Armstrongandhas z ‘other tourin 2011 because of posed for magaineshoots with vocal eord haemorrhage, she underwent hbimand, in 2011, even declared surgery, only to makean siwe-inspiring ‘him the love other life: Dog comebackat the Grammy Awardsin lovers unite! 22 2012, earningastandingovation(yj packtypes’ The perfect gift for yourself and everyone you love! Get your New Year off to a flying start! Understand yourself Understand others Avoid misunderstandings Be understood Help others do the same... “Because of Packtypes I've had some of my best, most helpful conversations with my family.” Suzy Bashford, Little Miss Copyright “There is no better feeling than when someone ‘completely gets you" using Packtypes.” Hannah Bell, DS, Durham Constabulary Packtypes”, order yours today, £24.99 01386 832844 | [email protected] | www.packtypes.comTHE LIFE LAB } exp Rediscover the art of playing Every month, Martha Roberts invites you to road-test research around feeling good THE PROJECT Playingabout isn't just fn ~ithas tlso heen shown toboost happiness andmentalwellbeing. THE AIM Doyouthinkthatonly children aandaanimals benefit from playing? ‘Thinkagain. Whatever yourage larking ‘about makes for happy human beings. THE THEORY Stu show that a wells being fun.payingwith rend partners, co-worker chikrenandpetscanbe good Fe poirtclnhaigpsting cal Es Aeingitmore notes The ene for sdultsinlude stimulating mind, Doostngcretivtyandimproving relationships. Playing results in laughter, thle hasta boetingproperti’, tswallanncreadnedoodtiovindss NOW TRYITOUT samme my anebontoteerobic exerctas! ‘Play opportunities can be found in situations you may not even luboostshearthelthbyhelpinstoopen jaye thought ofa playin. Fr aro okingwthstargersin ro ‘Blood vereln meeting tia 2011 tna ‘supermarket queue or playing with a pet both count as playfulness. and also boosts creativity ~ Northwestern Reconnect with the childlike ‘you’ Playing with your kids or taking, Universtyresereoundpeoplehs riecesor news tothe parka tore avakan the play child better puzzle-solvingskills after watching inside you. Or go toa toy shop and buy magic tricks, crafting supplies ashort comedy clip Play can aleoimprove ‘or science kits and use them with the kind of joy you'd have felt when ‘performance by helping us think laterally. youwere seven. Invite a friend round to join in and add to the fun. Butcrucially, play makes ushappy. In @Set aside time. if you don't feel play can be incorporated into your hisbookPlayGPTarchen £1499) expet—_oring day ty tolet nour He eewnee Seton pes lay DrStuart Brown says: ‘Remembering ‘ume aside is crucial, Even alittle play can go along way to boosting hat plyieallboutandmalingiipat ——_ perege jun Evan ofr daiyvesareprobalythe met ‘Sco packto our eiahood, What deyoudo esachistat ected Important factors in beinga fulfilled you? Did you do those activities alone or with others, or both? Is there snc tba al acing any way that you canre-create that today? notonlytobeing happy, lutaleote MARTHA RORERTS isan award-winning UK health writer and sustiningsocaleatonstipeasdbeing | ual hatlepeotmemaieat ot terete Inovaive person: Ps RN JANUARY 2026 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 25society I’m dreaming quiet Xmas Amonth of wall-to-wall parties followed by the big family gathering — December can be challenging for introverts. Fear not — Rosie Ifould's. survival guide will restore seasonal cheer hisyear, got my first invi- tatlontoChristmasdrinks ‘on the August bank hol ‘day, By mid-September, all my December week cends were booked up. The party with uni friends, a pub lunch with another group, a carol concert that’s ‘usuallfollowedby Christmascocktails, thena party forsomeotmy-son'sfriends atwhichtheparentsareespectedtostay andmingle.That'sbeforewe'veeven got ‘to work parties and family gatherings, ‘Canyon tell, from my tone, that 'm Jess than brimming with Christmas spirit at the thought of allthis merri ment? Don't getmewrong, [genuinely like ~ and in some cases dearly love ~ the people behind these invitations ‘But there’s a good reason why I'm not lookingforwardtoseeingthem. Taman introvert I like going out, but I don't like staying out. There's only so much 26 PsveHoLooies wAaAzINE JANUARY 2016 socialising I can take.Lonce fellasleep In the tollet of a club tn Tslington, because been hidingout in there or alitle oolong. (In my defence twas really nice, exceptionally cleaneubicle) ‘You will always find me inthe kitchen $¢Tt’s not just about giving yourself quiet time; it’s also about redrawing boundaries 99 ‘at house parties, not just because I'm greedy, but because years of experience hhavetaught me thatkitchensare where the quieter people hang out and have ‘conversations. There, or on the stairs. December just isn't Kind to intro: verts. Its the time when social gather- ings are at thelr loudest, drunkest and ‘most emotionally wrought. Even with family, it ean be hard. As Charlotte, a banker, recalls: ‘Living in a quiet flat, Just my flamed and me, it was a shock returning to my family home last Christmas. My sister was visiting from New York, which meantlotsof visitors, After a fow days of entertaining, my cenorgylevelsstarted tocrashand burn, knew I needed to give myself some timealone torecharge when Dad came into the utilityroom on Christmas Day {to ind me sitting on the floor: Dad sat = down next to me and I realised then who Linherited my introversion from. i Pickyour strategy Introverts develop all kinds of behav: Tours under social pressure. in my last job, during December, there would be three or four events a week I atl to go to; says Carla, a fundraiser: “The struc- 2 tured oneswereOK,butsometimesyou >>>society 5 were just expected to mingle ~ torture. worked out that grabbed two wine lasses, and pretended Iwas makingmy ‘way across the oom to see someone, I couldavoidstandingaroune. [basically dd laps of parties carying two glasses, hopingno-one would notice December ean also turn Introverts into liars.‘Tve often lied about my chil- dren being ill as an excuse to leave party eany, saysHannah,ateacher- It’s nowatastage where Thave tokeep alist of the imaginary illnesses they've had, 80 don’t slip up and tell the same per- sony oldest has chicken pox agaln “My family think really lke cooking (Christmas dinner’ says Norah, a care ‘worker Butthereal Isitmeans1 canbeleft onmy own, with the radio, while they play noisy games Inthe other room, Tismy sanctuary” Itshard to admit you don't feel like ‘goingout when the whole world seems to be having fun, Our world is geared towards extroverts, says psychologist Dr Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power (Sourcebooks, £999), which ‘may be why there's still so. much misunderstanding around being an Introvert. It doesn’t necessarily mean someone who® shy, or hates soci Ing. “What defines Introverts ig that ‘we reinternally oriented says Helgoe, “Too muchextemal stimulation can be ‘overwhelming so we're more likely to pullback, to allow space. son volunteer ‘The need for space ‘But how can you get space when you feet under pressure to socialise? In part, t’saboutinowingyour limits. and accepting that these are different for ‘everyone. Introverts need to pace ‘themselves and be realistic about how rmsany invitations to accept. Life coach and founder of Life Ciubs, Nina Grm- Feld suggestsbulldingintimeforrefiec- tion ahead ofa busy period, This isnot Just about giving yourself valuable ‘quiet time; its about defining priorities and redrawing boundaries, Most of us 28 PSveHOLOGiES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 “Tike going out butI don't like staying out. There's onlyso much socialising Tcantake 9 feel weneed an excuse to tum down an invitation. What helped me was ralis- ‘ng when I said "yes" to everyone else, ‘was saying “no” to myself says Grun- {eld ‘Youhavearighttoput"timealone” Inyour diary ifthatewhat youneed. Sludiesshowintrovertsfinditharder tocarry out simple cognitive tasks after too much social stimulus. Bt there are techniques that canreduce thedraining effect, Small talk can be particularly tiresome. ‘ find it easier to ask ques- tlons than try to talk about myself T find tess drainingto listen’ says Lisa, an accountant, Having some sort of “organising role can also be a good way to avoid small talk. You'll often spot the introverts handing out drinks, or tidying upin the nice quietkitchen. Helgoe, an introvert, is married to ‘an extrovert. In her book, she writes about going to parties but taking two cers, 60 she doesn't have to wait for Iher husband when she's had her fill of socialising ‘Instead ofsithering away, can be more explicit about wat my r Don tapologise forneeding a break whenitallgets too hectic ‘Your needs arejust as valida the extroverts ‘Think about when youfee! ‘most stressed and exhausted and work out whether you can bulla Insomeaione time, either before rafter the most stressful periods. IRVIVING THE PARTY SEAS needsareand what Pmdoing? shesays Iteanbeespeciallyhandtobeexplicit bout your needs at Christmas when youre challenging traditions: ‘but we lays have the neighbours round on Boxing Day, we've done It since 1986" ‘Christmas is often a compromise and full of misunderstandings, says Grun- feld, ‘It’s worth checking in and asking “isthis what we want todothis year?” Acknowledge everyone Grunfeld fanly have started a new tradition recently. “Everyone gets an ‘hour that isjustthels, Someone might ‘want toplay games, someone-elsemight choose an hour of silence apart fr carols onthe radia’ Tn larger groups tmightbepossibletoarrangethatmorn- ingsareforchildren,andaernoonsfor grown-ups of devise a rota so adults each gtanhourof quiet timeaway. The ey is acknowledging everyone ~ not just themost vocal in the group. Once we feel comfortable saying ‘Tm an introvert, Tneod down tim then we can start finding ways to get ‘We can look out for the physical and emotional signs that tell us when we eed to retreat. Wecamstart tospot pat- tems s0 we ean preempt ourselves [And we ean star to feel proud of our introvert tendencies. We might even discover we weren't the only ane ong- ing for escape. There are more intro- ‘ertsout there than you think ON Ityourenot sure whether to sayyes,askformoredetalls: “How many people deyou expect? Who willl know? there food / dancing speeches?’ Ithelpste know What you'e committing to Explain your needs to friends ‘and family, so they don't misread aecterspaceasaroncion, | :HOW EXTROVERTS CAN HELP. ‘*Don' take t personally. tyour {iendor partner needs some space, trynot to make them feel guty aboutit. tyourealy want to see ‘them but they keep pulling away ‘rom you, Itmight be worth changing the setting tosomewnere quieter with mere time fr one-on-one ‘conversation. ‘* Equally don't aseume they won't want tocome to.aparty (they just might preter to leave before you). ‘Give them some spacentroverts don't ike being interrupted.’ explains Helgoe. Who does? But they may ‘need alittle more time toreally think about what you've said and how to respond, And, usually, the response will be worth the wait.Getting nowhere PestWorking too hard? You may be; British workers gave £32bn to the economy in unpaid overtime last year. Oliver Burkeman looks at changing the way you think so you can change the way you work syoutap outareply to yetanother workemal ‘onyourglowingphone, in bed, at 1.30pm, it would be very easy to imagine that bingoverworked is sim- plyanunavoidable tact of modern ite And wecertainlydowork har British employees contributed a staggering £82 billion to the economy in unpaid overtime in 2044, according to the ‘Trades Union Congress. Whats even worse is thatthe problem is seleper petuating, Whenever we feel starved of time, researchers have shown, we tend to make foolish, huried deci sions ~ such as taking on even more projects~sowe end up busier sti But busyness isn't solely a matter ofourever-lengthening to-do lst. It also results from various unhelpful wssayes weve intemalised about the meaningof work Thats excellent ews ast means that by questioning thosemessages,there’shopeofreduc- ing the sense of being overwhelmed, Here ae ive ways we make overwork \worseby the things we tell ourselves ~ and how to think about work more calemly and realistically instead : : “Lhave to work hard = Pye just got too much to do!” ‘Theeasiestwaytoexplainwhy you're still siting at your desk at pm, or eatehing up on emails at home at night, is simply that you have no cholce:afterall,fewofus get topick tnd choose which parts of the job we {eellike doing. There is certainly some truth In that, But we usually ignore another truth: in the moder work: place, there will always be too much to do. Plus, it’s a vielous cycle: the ‘quicker you are at replying to emails, the more emails youll get back. The Tnaquiet moment, ask yourself these two tough questions: do you genuinely love your job — and if you don’t, is it truly beyond your control to make achange? 9? ‘more you build a reputation in the ‘workplace for handling projeets eff- ciently, then the more projects will Jandin yourlap. What todo? Instead oftelling your- selfthatwithonemore heave you'llget everything done (you won't), focus instead on making sure that the right things get priority, For example, your Dose’s emails might need aquick reply, butmaybe otherseanwait;somemeet ings are eruetal, but perhaps others ‘ean beskipped. Ultimately, its Uberat- ing to realise that work will never be ‘done’: It means you can stop blaming work yourself for not keeping up, as it's impossible to keep up with everything. “They can't manage without me. If Tdon’t work this hard, the compan will fold” Tes highly tempting to belleve that youre uerly dispensable ~ and if you were to cut back on work, you'd bie betraying your colleagues. Partly, that's because we're socal creatures, ‘who naturally fel obligations to ath- cers. But it’s also partly because the alternative—theideathatthingswould sgofinewithoutyou~ismuchsearierto contemplate Yet the truth, says Laura YVanderkam, author of the time man- agement bool Know How She Does t Portfolio Penguin, £999), is that “it any of us dropped dead tomorrow, Earth would not erash int the sun. 1t ‘would keep spinning in its orbit as usual, And not only would Earth keep spinning, our organisations would likely keep functioning too” ‘That seems harsh, but realy, fs a reason to relax. ‘Once you get your head around that dea, fseasierto get abit of perspective’ says Vanderkam. “Youcan take aholiday Its OK “The company culture dictates, that I work myself tothe bone” ‘Toomanyworkplacescon- fuse effort with outcomes: managers send the message that what really counts is beingat your desk, and being busy, instead ofgettingthebest results. ‘When you stop to think about it, a really good boss shouldn't care how hhard you work: if you're doing the job brilliantly its nobody else’s business JANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE SLwork bee os sme ioe takes But 66 Many workplaces ae people, seis : a a such enlightened attitudes are rare. z : ; realise many of them had deci The next best alternative is to set CONFuse effort with yipatance ves) Mat sidan simple and consistent boundaries. Be OUtCOMES: SeNCINg __gerously easy to convince yourself you nermummnersertey themessaye that sstmnwnnsts arn finds a different reason to grumble Whatreallycounts contemplate thatwhat youreally want about each new projectisoon, nobody ig hej is to cut your hours and your income, wilmteeparnegime vais (SDeingatyour desk, yee ee mec otgurchlcen? dettertoreliablyreplytoemailswithin instead of getting Maybe your marriage is strained, and a day or two, rather than sometimes. the best results 29 it’seasier to hide out at worktthan con- answering instantly, and other times front the problems at home? (Though notatall.) When youset imitson your overwork.willmake problems worse) ‘Work hours, something curious hap- ‘usynes, writes essayist Tm Krel- pens: with surprisingfrequency, you'll “Lenjoy wor der, soften a vay of convincing our- ‘find work gets done in the time you've thishard- really!” selves we're fulfilled when we're not: allotted frit, leaving you with time to If you love long hows “Obviously your ie cannot possibly be breathe at last. anda24/7commitment silly or trivial or meaningless if you sre tothejob,don'tletany- sobusy,completelybooked, in demand “Pm farless one else tell you youre every hour of the day? In & quiet talentedthan wrong theres no law decreeing that moment, ask yourself these two tough everyoneelse —_yoummustlivea balanced ifeof work, questions do you genuinely lave your here, so Ihave ‘children, partners, hobbies and soon. job, and — if you don’t ~ Is it really toworkharder” (Think of your heroes - campaigners, _beyondyourcontroltomakeachange? ‘Most of us are familiar ‘with the sense of feeling like a fraud — as ifwe somehow tricked our way into Tne W TO KNOW WHEN IT’S THEM, NOT YOU fhe jo, and anyday owe wl be the, and any diy ow we wll Dee gpiNg BUSYNESS ON OURSELVES IN MANY WAYS. BUT HOW 00 exposed, An ven the retlented_— Yy qNOW WHEN YOUR EMPLOYER REALLY IS ASKING TOO MUCH? 11 books’ the celebrated author Maya @ Whenyou cant raise the issu. Angelou once sald, ‘but each time, T__ifthere'sno senior person wiling, think,“uh-oh, they'regoingtofindout —_toiscuss your workload it'sasure now.Pverunagameoneverybodyand —_signyourcompany cultures toxic. they're going tofind me out”? But this @ Wren justafew weeks becomes isbased on a psychological error. The forever. Sure, youray needto putin reason why you think youre alone in extrasometines.Butyou shouldn't yourself-doubtis that you only get to _beaskedtodoso indefinitely hear your own internal monologue - © When worktakesatolon your ‘when it comes to judging everyone health. Pushing beyondyour else's competence, you rely on their _physlcalcapacttiesisnouseto ‘words and actions, and never hear anyone ~ including your compary. their ier panic. as the qualy of your work will drp. Research suggests that if you don’t @Whenbullyingishow you're asked Teel like an imposter - at least some todomore. Extraworkisasacifice, ‘of the time - that’s probably because _ifyourmanager uses git insuts oF you are actually too incompetent to shouts, startlooking for anew ob. realise youre incompetent. And so, © Whonit’snot'allhands ondeck: Ironically, fling lke a bit of a fraud alltheextrawork’s being pled on Isprobably evidence that you aren't, youalone, yout being exploited. 32 PsveHoLoaies wAaAZINE JANUARY 20182 | FEEL [CAN © DO THIS REMED! 97% of people would buy RESCUE® REMEDY again’ “ert So don’t et life’s obstacles get in the way of a good day. Be cool, calm and collected with RESCUE® dropper by your side.PRIORITY ORDER FORM (OFFER 1: DISTAL EDITION OFFER 2: PRINT EDITON (0 PLEASE TICK WHICH SIZE MAGAZINE YOU WOULD LIKE TORECEIVE: | Standardealtion [Compact edition sie pockelmaes om) pete order formbeow) Le nous fiemreemreaueso Pu rosy seth 22 cheer eesnaroyre GL? mem renee renner EASES] cin Deca asi Branch odeese are ot account Senate ote UK SUBSCRIPTIONS ONLY 0044 (0) 1959 543 747 LLteasecebitny L Vial Visa Debt Mastercad osLLL validtom Expy date Cant nm an eas REEDS stamp nt) PSYCHOLOGIES, FREEPOST RTKZ-HYRL-CCZX KELSEY MEDIA, CUDHAM, KENT TNI6 3AG REF. PYYPOUS JOIN US! Psychologies is a women’s magazine like no other. We care about how you think and feel not just how you look. Whether you want fo develop your potential or growasa parent, partner or friend, Psychologies isthe place for ideas, insights and practical strategies ~in features, news, beauty, wellbeing. home and living. Join our tribe of lie-curious, intelligent and grown-up women At Psychologies we're creating a space where you curr communicate without being judged. We dont care what handbag you buy or whatl age you are; we talk (o you about your dreams, beliefs and ideas. We acknowledge that life is messy, so we like loas givencat solutions. 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PvvPon) Kelsey Media Ltd, ‘rico re tr FREEPOST RTKZ-HYRL-COZX. errant tents nt Cudham Tithe Barn, Kent TNI6 3AG JANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 35Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you “Should I stay or should I go?” My husband and thave Deen together for over 1O,years; we have two Tantastic kids who are ‘and 14, but the spark has gone in our marriage. Notjust gone “extinguished completely. Not only do Inotlovehim, I despise him. Everything he doesiritates me. Hedoesn'thelp atall around the house, and doesn't make aneffort to communicate. Tused tomake aneffort,but now think, ‘why should Thother? We ean spend daysjust not talking tal ‘Hchashealth issues but hemakes noeffortto find. positive solution. I have tried tobe supportive but he’s Just constantly negative and, aftera couple of years oftryingeverything] canto turn my marriage around, now exhausted. Pm ready to giveup. Anylast words of advice before Ido? ‘Name supplied Iwon'ttry totalk youout ofleaving, but instead will, offer my own experience and observations about what to expect. ‘Youmightalso lookat the work of ‘Mavis Hetherington, an outstanding ‘researcher on long-term outcomes for Aivoree (see"More Information’, opposite). his is what I learned from my interviews with ather people about their divorees. The experience of divoree fs worse than most people cexpeetin the short term, The shame and sense of personal failure is persistent, no matter that the public stigma has diminished. Iesstill hugely challenging experience toadmit your dream ofa happy marriage has failed. Awful things will be said and done, you ‘ill experience times of choking panic and probably financial aniety. At the ime, identified withthe Virginia ‘Woolf character in The Hours wha says: ivinga life [have no wish t ive’ Perspectivesondivorce differ, depending on whether you are the leaveror the left. he publiestory is ‘usually thatthe person who leavesis the bad guy, and the onebeing eft victim. Youare the potential! leaver, ou have been suffering invisibly for some ime, but your husband will havealot lofshock and anger beforehe catches ‘on towhat is truly happening. Doeshe understand howrealand close the danger is? ['scommon for physical health issues to affect mental health too and he may not he thinking stralght. Have you tried getting im Into discussion mediated by a third 30 PsveHoLoGies WAaAZINE JANUARY 2016 OM area party atall-acounsellor,orevena ‘member ofhis family whom you trust? ‘The key ishow good you ean make ‘our divorce. My standard advice is tobe as generousasyou possibly can, especially in fostering your children's relationshipwith their dad. We want children to learn to take responsibility fortheiractions,and the consequences, ‘even when that istough. So, even when youare hurting youstillhavea responsibility to make this good as possible or your children. Do bear in ‘mind that no-one aetuslly knows how divorce affects children, because there are issues with running controlled experiments, Yul have to assess the ‘outcomes or children who have stayed stuck within an unhappy marriage ‘Myown summary would be: divorce ‘willbring you somebad times, but abad smerriage is definitely worse, Wishing ‘youlove, strength and generosityTHE LIFE LAB } self’ “T need to set up healthy boundaries with my parents” Afteraseries of traumatic relationships in my twenties, veevolved intoa ‘happy, successful, confident ‘and independent individual -butmy parentsstilltreat methesameway ‘hey did when Twas. child, For ‘example, Uhadanargument with my ‘mother last year when [found out she'd been opening my mail for the last 28 years and reading tal, ‘They've always suffered from lack ‘ofempathy. rely ona large group of supportive friends, as Tknow won't get much from my family. There was atime when T would choose toignore ‘theiractionsand comments, but now feclTnced todo somcthingabout it Timtryingto set upsomehealthy boundaries between us tostop the situation getting out ofhand but tsdiicultasevery time [try, my parents get negative and withdrave. got the impression they're not fully aware oftheirbehaviour, Howl.ean ‘move forward and resolve thisbefore Jt gets worse? Name supplied Ifweimaginea perfect EX, parental relationship scale of ‘ero t010,itsounds.siyou are aroundatwoorthree.Thisistough oryou, but somehow you've developed amazing qualities of resilience, ‘determination and self-care inspite ‘for in response to, that background, ‘your parentsstil receive any of your official mail, please cut that cord arrange arolling redirection notice atthe postoffice. With that out ofthe ‘way, I suggest you write toyour parents alongsimilar lines tohow youhave written tome. Hyouean find itin your ‘heart to startby thanking them for whatever good they have contributed to yourlife, that willprobably enable them to hear’ your words more easly Ifyoucanset out the boundaries youwant, and stick to them, despite negativity or withdrawal, youl know you've done yourbest to mudge the ‘Seale towardsa four. Twill holdin my heart the hope that your parentsdo thelrbitandyou can achieve liveable five. Thank you forsharing this challenge, which is probably more ‘common than we eare toimagine. “T failed my degree. Tverecentlytumed 28 and Ihave just failed university ‘Tambackliving with my parentsandworkingasa sales assistant. When [lookat ll my friends who have recently graduated, andare now workingin pretty great jobs, [can'thelp but feel like a fallure, Tve spentthreeyearsofmy life ‘workingtowardsa degree, but Ihave nothing to show for it, Please help me what ean I do tomake me feel like iylife sbackon track and isactually golngsomewhere? [Name supplied Welcome tomy world! Rymany standards Tam ‘allure - in Jane Austen's ‘me Ta have failed dueto my lack of How ean I get back on ‘accomplishment in painting, music and neadlework. Ina 2ist-century ite where Iam warm and well-fed, [have not cracked the challenge of keeping palrsof socks together in the wash, and hhad acarengine blow up on me due to lackofoil more than once! ‘We iveinaculture where ‘what do yousdo?"isan acceptable question, but itisincredibly ridiculously lied. AL fofusare much, much more than ajob titleoraset ofacademic achievements Youhave great foundations with your health, parents and fends who Joveand supportyou, and proof of cemployebllity. A useful question to ask people who love thelr jobs is“how tid you get to where you are? This should open up lots ofinfectiously enthusiastic conversations, and ways track?” ofseeingnew pathways, University did notignite your spark, but that could be Interpretedas a fallure of the university, not you. recommend watehingSteve ‘Jobs’ addressto studentsat Stanford University about not beingin too much ofahurry to join the dots (see below). ‘Meanwhile congratulations on being off-track. [ee where all the Interesting people hangout. MORE INFORMATION Read For Beer oF For Worse: Divorce Reconsiseredby E. Mavis Hathorington and John Kelly (WW Norton, £11.58) Wateh stove Jobs’ Stanford ‘Commencement Speech 2005at hitosi//youtube/DIR-KKp3NA JANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 37Today's lifestyles are demanding, and one of the things they demand most is the mineral magnesium, which allows the nervous systern to function properly and the muscles to relax. Magnesium is availabe in healthy foods such as wholegrains, dried fruit, green leafy vegetables and nuts, however there are times when your diet can lack the goodness needed and be deficient in magnesium If you are feeling iritable and snappy, with knots in your shoulders and tension stiffening your neck, bump up your magnesium and lose those knots contains highly absorbable magnesium in a delicious herbal formula which could make the difference to your nerves, Unlock the knots and survive the stress, SSS Available from selected Holland & Barrett and Boots stores, independent health food shops and selected pharmacies nationwide. Salus UNA es7 econ ¥event wate 2016 call for Chris Baréz-Brown, our new columnist, invites you to join us for a year of adventure, where we stop operating on autopilot and start living a life full of joy and curiosity fusteel dissatisfied with ‘our lives, spending our days. ‘sort of waking sleep’, areonautopilot Thisyear, in Ito join Poychologtes, to create th long experiment to break tines. ‘We will introduce the experiments ‘one by one from Monday to Thursclay ‘each week starting on 24 December 2015. For example, our first month's experiments look ie this (© WEEK ONE I wil tell one person per day what loveabout them. © WEEK TWO I will spend the first 10minutes ofevery day outside. © WEEK THREE I will only eat food have prepared romscratch, (© WEEK FOUR I will tum off all my ‘usual digital notifications. ‘Atthe end ofthe month, we will review Your results and those from our team of Psychologies Wake Up! Champions (Geebox, right), Eeeretere aren) Apply tobe one of our weekly bloggers nLite Labs and receive signed copies of Chris's books. Plus, you willbe given your own weekly Psychologies blog to \write about your journey throughout 2016. Email thegreatwakeupe bbarez-brown.com and tellus why Yyouwantt wake up in 2016. ‘Come and meet Chris at our event on6 January fordetals, see page 61family sibling fallout Ahostile relationship with an adult sibling is a heartbreaking reality for many people. After 20 years of frostiness, Sophia Smith went in search of a solution er voice sounded so full of vitriol that I could barely make out what she was saying. ‘Hate’, ‘disgusting’ and “never ‘want to see you again’ featured highly, though, as did other choice descriptors for me, When I put down the phon Twas trembling, The shock of being told -no, screamed at - that someone despises you so much that they want to cut you out of thei life for good is upsetting enough. The fact that the someone in question is your sister is ‘evenharderto bear, remained in shock fora few days, playingthe phonecall over and over inmy head. Waves of anxiety and anger tore through my body as I recalled thesibling venom, meditated, Tried, Then [got rational. My sister'sattitude to amily has been pretty negative for the last 20 Years, even more sosince mecting herhusbanda few yearsago. From ‘our teenage years, she started distancing herself, keen to bow out of landmarkoceasions and holidays, with my other sisterandI picking up the pieces ofher often-hurtful ‘behaviour. Ourinteraction since then hasbeen transaetionaland Even ifyou cut someone out of your life, they live oninyour head, cropping up in your dreams and worries 9? perfunctory. Wedon’teven bother to send eachother birthday or Christmas eardsany more As Lemerged from the tailspin, Teame around to thinking that ‘actually, this sibling severing would note such agreat loss to my life. The 4o PevenoLoaies MAGAZINE JANUARY 2015 relationship was causing me nothing Dut stress, irritation and upset so mixed in with the sadnessat the fact Ta failed in thebigsister stakes was relief, Huge relief, Atleast we didn't have to keep up the exhausting sham ‘of forced happy families, So instead ofattemptingany kind of reconciliation, Tembraced my sister’ proposal of estrangement. It ‘was surprisingly liberating. Pethaps ‘that’s why estrangement ison the rise, say experts in the field, with one inivefamiliesin the UK touched by it, according to charity Stand Alone, ‘Many more, ifyou include people ‘who are insuperficial contact, but “emotionally estranged’ Siblingrelationships are highly susceptible to this cold war type ‘of disconnection, saysStand Alone clinical chair Dr Jason Robinson, where theres ‘increasing frostiness’ between two people, Hebelleves that siblingabuse physicalandemotional “isrifeand'massivelyunder >>>>>> reported’ but, asa society, weshrugit offby saying’oh, that'sjust siblings” Rewriting the script mstill confused about the events Jeadingup to the relationship breakdown, The trigger ~ seemingly afeweareless comments Fd made ‘that she took exception to didn’t ‘seem proportionate toherextreme reaction. However, shortly after this ‘when her vitriol transferred squarely ‘tomy parents, itbecame obvious the Issue ran much deeper: her grievances ‘with us were locked in the past. Pagesand pages ofemailsand 42 psveHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 texts, from my sister to my parents, ‘rewrote the script of our childhood, recasting her as the Cinderella-esque character, sandwiched between two evil sisters and neglected by uncaringparents, Itwasn'ta fairytale that I,orthe rest ofthe ‘amily, recognised. Frustrated and seething, she then ceased all contact with my parents and sister, to. ‘This scenario isvery common says Robinson, when communication hhas become superficial, strained or pon-existent.“We all parties, not Just the estranged] reconstruct a narrative from miscommunication SIs worth being open because there willbea huge number of people that maybe experiencing what youre experiencing 9? todefend ourselvesand reassure ourselves, But we build these stories intheabsenceofreal feedback. Itsnow been overayearsince that phoneeall,'ve not had any further contact with my sister andit's been tough 12 months, Not because I've missed her, but because I'vehad to ‘watch my parents wither and fall apart, heartbroken. They've been living through my worst nightmare: being toldby your child that you have failed themas aparent. Witnessing thelr painonly served to validate sy belief that this toxic influence doesn't deserve tobe part of ourfamily, Throughout the year, Iwas "uncannily at peace with my decision togiveup on the relationship, However, that started to change ‘when our estrangement reachedits first-year anniversary. As [realise howelfortlessly one year could slip intotwo, 10,50... 'mnagged by the ‘thought: do [really want tosleepwalk. into that? It'sas if'm edging towards ‘thepoint ofno return witha devilon one shoulder (Gor She's abiteh You don’t want her contaminating your {fe and an angelon the other (What about empathy? Compassion? ve decided to tryand drown, out thedeviland listen totheangel Because no matter how liberating, [can’t escape the reality that cutting ablvod tie, particularly in sucha blasé way, just doesn’t fee right Like itor not and I don't particularly like) she isa linkwith where I come fromandwho Tam. Thete'salso the guilt that perhaps, ‘estrangement Isoneof the tools wehavein our toolboxasa family member, but {splayed too aften and too quiekly? saysrelationship psychologist, author andeo-chalrofthe Council family Dr Josha Coleman, But where do Igo from here? Accordingto experts, the frst step inhealinga rit isto honestly consider your role in causing and ‘maintainingit, Thenext stepis to try ‘and see the situation from the other person's perspective, Dr Coleman, forinstance, recommends ‘empathy, ‘empathy, empathy” because ‘you're not going to get anyone'sattention ifyou're only criticising or blaming them; peopledon’t comeback into families because you've shamed ‘them to, usually its because they feel Where's yours now). on Contemporary Families, pe ‘moreunderstood. Iyouhaveitin >>> Fin IW TO BUILD BRIDGES WITHASIBLING Dr Jaton Robinson, clinical chair at charity Stand Alone, who runs workshops on ‘reconciliation, gives us some pointers: © Look at your own roleinthe itt as honestly asyoucan. Then try and get an understanding, ‘of your sibling's perspective. © Remember that just because youre siblings itdoesn't mean you have toagree on ‘everything. Also, remomber neither of you has tobe the perfect’ brother or sister. Youust need to begood enough © Avoid meeting at emotionally loaded times ‘when there is pressure tobe the perfect farily such as Christmas. Instead, do something low-key and informal, Ike go for coffee together alone, iva quiet place © Normatise your situation: remember many siblings do not get on, so don't stigmatise yourself by soltudging negatively in your intemal iaiogue. © Weigh up now the reconciliation going based only on direct communication with your sibling, rather than second-hand reports. Families can be very policaland different members can have different agendas, | JANUARY 2015 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 43family you, reach out to them and take responsibility, even ifyou don'tagree ‘with the intensity oftheir feelings. Struggling to take responsibility ‘or empathise, I decided to explore theconflct usingan approach called ‘Constellations, where participants assume theroles of the family” members, which I'd heard ean help yousee awider perspective. Its premise is that deep emotions usually arise because something Isout ofkilterin the wider family ‘dynamie. The process tries toreach, resolution and, infacilitator and philosopher Robert Rowland Smith's experience, ‘asa general rule, its better to inelude the exeluded; the ‘cost ofexcluding themis heavy foreverybody in the family. Faseinatinginsights Itwasagruelling fascinating, uplifting, surreal hour. Ttreminded methat, notlongago, Lwas fighting the same demons from childhood that my ssterisgrapplingwith now low slf-esteem, comparison and ceatastrophism, Hoursof therapy had helped me overcome themand see that, while our parents always ‘wanted the best forus, inadvertently their stronginfluence left me feeling like I wasn't good enough if wasn't achieving. Whereas got depressed and blamed mysel my sister reacted bby becoming aggressive, and blaming ‘everyone around her. But Ino longer feelangry with her—justsad. [know hhow painful that headspaceis. Rowland Smith noted how much Judgement there was loadedin the ‘way I spoke, particularly about wnat family ‘shouldbe ike. He made me realise that, while [may have worked hardto ease my selfjudgment,1 haven't done this inrelationto my sister. Take what I said earlier about her not deservingto be part ofour family: What givesmethe right to 444 psvcHoLocies MAGAZINE JaNuany 2015 decide that? She ispart of my family ‘and her relationships with other ‘amily members are just as valid ‘as mine, Any fracture damages the whole. Beingopen about my sibling situation has prompted many friends toshare similar woes of unsisterly oF ‘unbrotherly relationships, revealing adark, stigmatised underbelly of amulylife I's comforting to know 6 Mysister’s relationships with other family members are just as valid as mine. Any fracture damages the whole 99 Tmnotalone. They may not have severed the link as dramatically as ny sisterandI, but they're very often ‘emotionally distanced; the socially acceptable face of estrangement, Ultimately, however, s Rowland ‘Smith says, any kind of estrangement is‘ futile gesture’ because even ifyou ceutsomeone out of yourlife, mentally they liveonin your head, croppingup inyourdreams, worries and preoccupations, He offers me comfort, though, with his philosophy that conflicts like minean ultimately strengthen the family unitif worked through. Ifwe havea completely successful, unblemished personal lif ‘weare slightly weightless, ess real, ‘We've got tolearn toembracethe negative;i'sastage in bullding ‘ourselves; Rowland Smith pointsout, “Perfect family’ pressure We've also got torelieve the pressure tohave perfect families’ and accept the reality ofmessy human relationships. As Beeca Bland, Journalist and founder of Stand Alone ‘I's worth being open because there willbe alnuge number of people ‘who may be experiencing what you're experiencing like Rowland Smithis idea that this annus horribtis could bea catalyst for rebuilding my sibling relationship on more solid foundations. IFT could go back tomy childhood and treat my sister better, would. Like many siblings, wespoke toeach otherimaway that Iwould never speak toa friend and made no attempt tohide the fact wedidn't sgoton,or try to see the good in one ‘another. She'salsoone ofthe few peopleT've ever wanted (and tried) tophysieally hurtin my life Butalas,asa40-something ‘grown-up who can’t gobaek in time, Jean only deal with the present. I have often Wondered what Twould doiflsawherinthe street. year ago, I would definitely have walked the other way. Now, I think, 1 wouldn't. 'd move towards her, ‘small step perhaps, and see what happened. That, atleast, is progress. Pere INSPIRATION ‘© Read: To ind out more about Constellations with Robert Rowland Smith, see newconstellations.com. (© Take part: Dr Jason Robinson runs regular workshops to help these experiencing ‘estrangement. family rifts and trying to reconcile, goto ‘standalone org.uk. © Log on: Or Joshua Coleman hosts awebinar programme ‘on estrangement, visit ‘drjoshuacoleman.com. (My mother s currently doing this ane saysitis helping ecm |‘WITHIN YOUTHEREIS A STILLNESS AND A SANCTUARY TOWHICH YOU CAN RETREAT AT ANY TIME’ HERMANNHESSE Inspiration in your inbox Sign up to our newsletter at psychologies.co.uk Ovifew kt ld: he. Into the light Rachel Kelly kept a diary of her journey to live a more balanced life. Here, she shares eight small steps that made a big impact on her happiness ighteenyearsago,theidea _andteelingoverwhelmed. Atthatlow that Imighteveremenge _pointalmost two decadesago, twas Tromthedarkuessofdeep so severeand the physical agony ofthe clinical depression and —_illnesssopainful,all wanted todo be wellagainseemed ‘was todie. I would lie in bed, clinging unthinkable Yotnow, manywinters _ tomymother'sarmsotightly that hhavepassedand{havereturnedto _itwas red from my eluteh, She was ‘thelight. MostiyLamcalmandwell, _oftenall that lay between meand ‘and some daysTeven feelasifT'm the real possibility of suleide: my ‘walkingon sunshine. ‘husband was out at workand she Mydepressionwasbornofanxiety had come to ive with us. 46 povenoLooies maaAziNeE JANUARY 2016 ‘Now'that Lam feelingbetter, Lam earninghow todoless,to Dbemore grateful and toenjoy ‘the moment. Solessed do fel tohhave made this recovery that over the past year, Thave been emboldened to keep diary of my progress. Here are elght of my small steps ~ two foreach season - which have helped me become happier.self” TAS Re ee Re “t's easy tobe WINTER grateful forn Remember you're a human being things but, over intherun-uptoChristmas, repeat this simple mantra:“Remember ji ic ~you'reahuman being not human doing! Ws good way of reminding time, the trick [eifosinedownatale tine the rahertantobecome swale +e Tmlearning ‘to-do’ list. [feel much morcat peace when I defend space in my schedule ishowtobe fordoingnothingatall.'velearntthatthebest waytoachieve tisisto aa blankoutspaceinthe dary with my secret code BT for‘Being Tite grateful for the ——qnismakesiteasiertosayno. [simply say: Tvealready got something less obviously inportantintvedlarythen’andthaveanhourwithnourgentaskto positiveevents — ‘etssssontvatentandachaneetornerrechareanéretist cy. inthe day ‘The HALT technique ‘The festive seasonalso finds meusingthe HALT technique—pausing instressful moments to checkin with myself. and gauge whether Pm Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tted. If Tam, then I give myself the chance tofind asolution that is'tanill judged knee-jerk response: eatinga sandwich, say, rather than snapping at an unwittingvictim. The French ‘havea lovely expression that encapsulates the importance of allingon patience and restraint when weet out of kilter, rather than bulldozing ‘on: ectler pour mieux sauter ~ take a step back in order to leap higher. >>> JANUARY 2016 P8VEHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 47self’ SPRING Stuffocation find the sunshine welcome change, butwithitcomes ‘afamiliaritehs the need tospringclean. Aprilfinds me noticing the dusty piles that seem to have accumulatedin every corner: Iknow clearing cupboardselearsmy mind; feelingoverwhelmed can quickly lead tofeeling anxious. But here's the problem: Fm one of those people who finds Ithard to throw things out -itrunsin the family. My granny keptamouse inthe freezer incase she ever gotacat. The following working rule has helped. [save only what gives me joyorhas some indelibleinkto family tnd friends. Ifin doubt, T imagine how mortified would bei others found “Depending on Mending ‘When treasured piece of pottery gets broken in Japan, the cracks are mended with special glue that has been, ‘mixed together with poxdered gold. The eracks are deliberately made feature of thanks to this art, whieh isknown as Aintsugl or golden joinery’ The piece thereby becomes unique, and arguably more beautiful [feel asi too have undergone this repair process. Like a broken Japanese pot o vase, [have experienced plenty of breaks, but time and patience have put me back together again with new and interesting features, 1'san idea that makesme feel wonderfully calm. out that something they'd given me one another can ‘eres Aotince bringuseloser. AUTUMN together and also Cherishyourmid-point Gratitude Teminds us of Backtonydeskaiterthesummerholidays, The ThrveGood Things practice has and Tvehad some good news about a work proved handy and comes especially our common project. I'm learning, however, not to let naturally as springbulbs poke their humanity 99 sblevements determinemy sense ot heads upand the evenings grow longer. As Tsettle for hed, Tthinkof three positive things that happened during ‘he day, and adl them to my gratitude’ notebook. It'seasy tobe grateful for nie things but, over time, the trick Fm learning ishow tobe grateful forthe less obviously positive events in the day, This teaches us to tapinto the mindset that every thingis happening forus rather than fous. We ean begin to recognise opportunities and lessonsin place of disappointment and dejection. SUMMER Flower power ‘Tmlueky to have asmallback garden which saconstant stress-reliever throughout the year, but never moreso than inthe dusty days ofsummer when [retreat from theelty to ‘my tiny patch of green. As deadhead overblown roses and ‘sweep faded eaves and detritusinto tidy mounds, Ihave sense of regaining controland peace, But thereare days ‘when [haven't time to bein my garden, nnd the following, tip has provided auseful substitute. Finda fragrant flower asyou.are walkingalong Hold itunder your nose, close youreyes,take deep breaths and inhale deeply. Whenever Ido this, [always wallkon withaspring in my step. 448 peveHoLoies MAGAZINE JANUARY 2015 self-worth. Instead, [find I'm ealmerif Tstaybalanced and remain at ‘mid-point? "This means not overly buyinginto the "Ym sospecial belief system when things go ‘well. you do, then when yourluck changes, ‘you're likely to believe the opposite:‘T'mso ‘worthless, when in fact, neltheris true, Your ‘mie-point isa steadyingmindset ofvaluing ‘yourselfand yourendeavours unconditionally andinaway that’s neither inflated by external successes nor punctured by defeats, 4 = Formation flying Asthe November nights drawin, you might seca flock of geeseinthe sky headingtowarmer climes. The V-formation the geese fly in helps to reduce the workload ofeach individual goose. Ifagoose becomes sick or injured and is| forced to land, two other members of the flock accompany itand remain witht until itis well enough to ly again. ‘The mantra of my generation was that we shouldbe independent, Yet, the sight ofthese birdsalwaysreminds sme that depending on one another can ring uscloser together and reminds us of our common humanity. Pve hhad to learnto accept help. I'we were tolean on each other alittle more, how much further couldwe fly? ‘Watkin on Sushins 52 Sra Step taps Ha Kel (Short ‘Boats £199) ne. Purmarenematon fl Mactan wer (Gace on raha lynGet up and glow Tee nee ea eee anc? Pete Aa hk eaten nay rr get ely ere oe ae ce ee Cee mer ae en tees Se oy ee Le See uaa“The beet thing about Manta a ne cant have weg” “You can make my home ‘When darted te malee jemellery, i neuld tale ‘me-arousl 70 hows to create rne necklace, | ill love makeing ther” a home anywhere” For Danish entrepreneur Lissen Marschall, home is not bricks and mortar, but creating hygge, the Danish word for ‘cosiness’, wherever she is in the world LISSEN MARSCHALL STRIDES into her kitchen with her huge dog, Luna, aather heels and envelops me in a hug. "Welcome to Denmark!” she beams, as she settles me down in front of a wood stovewithacupof Japanese tea and lights some candles. “Yes, I love being back in my native Denmark, but forme, homeisnotageographical place, but the spark of possibility and creat ivity you carry with you wherever you so, Overthe years I'velearned to create home anywhere’ For the past 16 years, Marschall has travelled allover the world. ‘Ive ivedin ashramsin India, beachshacks in Japan and grandapartmentsinParis-starting businessesalongthe way’ she laughs. After leavingschool, Marsehallbegin her career as a singer, and traveled all cover the world.‘ did diferent things, from sing the part of Eponine in Les “Miserables in Copenhagen to creating ry own jazz band in London, she says twas here she met her English hus- band, a travel writer, and had their two children, Asgerand Emil,now H4and 12. “We lived in a tiny flat in London with tuo kids under three, but home to me hasneverbeenaboutbricks andmortar butereatingacosyspacewiththepeople ‘welove. InDenmark,wehaveaword for it: lyyge. It means creating a warm. atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people. Tome,a hhome is about lighting candles, a fre ‘and sitting around the table discussing the meaningoflie,Lam sure thats why ‘we Danes are known as the happiest peoplein theworld!” ‘After London, the family moved to Paris for a couple of years. ‘I loved singing but when the kids eame along, ‘the hours wetetoo antisocial I couldn't be out playing gigs at night, so I started to experiment with my other passion, raking jewellery. I had always been fascinatedby India and Japan, sobefore >>> JANUARY 2016 PSYENOLOGIES MAGAZINE Imyhome 7 a Si fs, : =a sal oe is aw abeorbessbeont for doge, Inittinieee thes emold of metdoge, invented by Maree 52 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016>>> the children started school, [decided to travel with them and my husband, and buy vintage saris and kimonos for ry Jewellery-making’ She started her first business called Bohemian Strings, selling necklaces interwoven with vintage fabric, ‘T created a website and started to supply many shops globally. It was a great business to have while bringing up children as I could work “while they napped she says. Once the children started school, ‘Marschall and her family moved back to Denmark. ‘My husband learned to speak Danish and we settled here. We rented an airy Seandi-chie house with White walls and a roaring fre ~ and a Imuge office next door. Bliss! And finally wwe could get a dog, our Labradoodle “love paying ‘thepiane ater ‘wor and on weekends Loe ale wy been fascinated. by Tapan. snd ite hidtory. [bought these pictures sha Tipanece auction house for my hachased a wspecial crnvenir from Osalea? called Luna. A house becomes a home ‘when you have a dog! Hearing her name, Lamaleaps up frombeside thetire and settles at Marschalls feet. ‘Tt was dealing with the mud from a wet dog that inspired me to invent a product that would stop the messgettingall over ‘my beautiful white house; she says Siccaro, Marschalls new business vvas born in 2013 and WetDog, her new super-absorbent bathrobe for dogs, was Jaunched as her frst produet."T started experimentingwith differentabsorbent fabries that would block out the smell, absorb te liquid and be antibacterial’ She ended up producing her own aaterialand mixingitwithantibacterial bamboo fabric, I love having a dog but wanted to minimise the mess? she explains Ittookayearofexperimenting but we finally launched something that ‘proving popular with dog-ovners? Marschall has inherited her ‘entrepreneurial spirit from her father eter, an inventor. (He invented the ‘conte Buster’ lampshade collar for sick animals in the 1970s) “This business feels like coming home in a way? she ‘explains. ‘Its the culmination of my Iif'sworkso far [feel blessed that [ean ‘come back to my home country after ‘travelling all over the world ~and even more blessed to have a 30-second ‘commute to work” ‘he WeabagraagedySicear ttn: Far Uk stakiats wertourocon 01207201887 JANUARY 206 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 53actionforcharity = Cycle 6% Brazil WOmeCH CUTIE2 0 29 september—9 October 2017 Join the next Women V Cancer cycle challenge in Brazil and raise funds to fight breast, cervical and ovarian cancers Forinformetion and to register online www.actionforcharity.co.uk [email protected] * 01590 677854 o's cervi cancer tTHE LIFE LAB } experiment How to give and receive feedback Every month, Oliver Burkeman invites you to improve your work life Feedback could be the most agonising aspect ofthe modern workplace. Let's facet there'sprobably no way tomake tier tobe told that you're underperforming Or, {orthat matter tosay that tosomeoncelse {syour job to deliver the feedback. But there area few tricks to make itless painful. THE AIM Feotbackisamincficld because our Drainsaren'tmade to takeeriticism woll-and theso-called negativity bias ensures we'll dwell onany fault-ndinglong after complimentshave faded from memory, Weslso engagein what feedbackexperts Shella Hen and Douglas Stone all wrong spotting’ -zeroinginon the one part ofthe Feedback weconsider factually wrong, then fixatingonit. [tsa toxicmess, which means feedback rarely gets to perform itsoriginally ] THE PROJECT ©) THE THEORY ‘The crucial thing to grasp,say Hen and Stone, isthat there are three kinds of feedback: praise for accomplishments, advice on howto improve, then, finally rating performance. [fyou'e delivering feedhack, ‘svital tokeep these separate. (Abandon the famous sandwich technique’ of praise, then criticism, then praise) Meanvhileifyoure receiving feedback, set aside ‘wrong spotting” favour of diference spotting’. Askyoursel ifyourboss claims youre notperforming well what explains the diflerence of opinion? Itmay be that yourbossisabully,and you need to find anew job Butitsjust as likely tobeabreakdawnin communication. Or— ‘however much t stings to admlt it the truth : : Tre NOW TRY IT OUT (© Actively ask for feedback. i's strange truth that enticismis| much easier to take f you requested it. Before your boss delivers negative judarnent. ask her toicentiy your biggest weakness ‘© Switch perspectives. if regative feedoack ands inyourlep. try {oimagine you ciscoveredit yourself saysmentalhealth expert ‘Alex Lickerman. You'l shift your focus from the perceived insult (How dare he call me disorganised”) to the underlying question ‘(Am Lalsorganised?). ‘@Focus on the behaviour, not the person. Remember you're not judging somwone's character just their performancein aspeciticarea. For example, you can criticise an employee's inefficiency at handing eral without implying he ar she san inefficient person at the core. OLIVER BURKEIMAN the author of The Antidote: Happiness Po People Who Cant Stand PottvePinking (Conongate, £899) JANUARY 2006 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 55shared values Geri Horner Singer, songwriter and ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell-now-Horner talks about connection, kindness, authenticity and the drivers behind her ambition [VTRRVIEW ALI ROFE PHOTOGRAPH PAL HANSEN For me, lifes about kindness, authentelty, courage ‘and joy, not ina frivolous way but real joy and fun! [think the most important things that we all feel dheard. Ifweliveunder one umbrella ofkindness, starting withbeingkind to yourself, then to others, thatallowsyou tobe exactly who youare, without treadingonanyone-else’ voce orhurtinganybody else {didn’t come froma privileged background. My mother and father worked hard, my dad admired Margaret Thate! agreengrocer’s daughter, and that said tome freengrocer's daughter beeames prime minister" ~anythingispossibl. I was lucky enough tobe oncof twostudents chosen totake ates! toattenda good local grammar school. That was defining moment for my education. [was hungry tolearn, Dut wasalso alittle cheeky: lacked discipline ‘My dad was abitofaprocrastinator;he didn't try to succeed in achieving the dreams he had. Healways ‘wanted to writeaboolbut didn’tbecause hewas scared like many of us, Lalrays thought it wassosad. It inspired, re togo for my goals: knew [wanted somethingifferent. People have been surprised at my change of name, particularly because Ihave a history with may name. mproue of that, ut equally as my parents were divorced, itleftme quite guarded about sharingand intimacy. [always tooka stepback rom beingin union with anyone. Until ‘embarked onintinacy wholeheartedly, Ldidn'trealise ‘what the benefitwas, and Ican now say fee like it’s positive thing Ita it Uke having baby ~until kad my ‘baby, [didn treally knowhow mich joy and love Fa have Inmy heart. Changingmy nameisnotalosingof self its joiningtogether. ‘When Iwas part of the Spice Girls, Lwas saying what others didiv't have the voice to say themselves - Thad a platform to say it, but all was doing was reflecting back the zeltgelst, You've feeling this? Pm feeling this! And that voice evolves. We want to save the world! We cando it - you can doit? Butback then, it was youthful bravado, Now Tm grown up, my voice is more grounded. ‘The message dacsn’thave to be rammed down anybody's throat. It takes more confidence tobe quictand let that message come through naturally. TUS great tovolee your opinion, but youdon’tneed a megaphone foriteither, Alot ofmy thirties were spent experimenting, discovering andintegratingbackinto real life [after ‘the Spice Girls}. [wanted to find anauthentiepath but ‘wasn that uncomfortable transitioning period, There was atime where I thought [might give up my career because as looking outwards, looking for someone else who had walked that path before me. But Icouldn’t see anyone [eould connect with and think“T want to doit ike that’. Fmscared all the time. And that's where courage, support and real confidence comes in, ot bravado confidence —it has to come from a grounded, burrowed place Pm done with the airbrush, and the masks we put on; for example, a selfie that just feels empty. I ike sugar; itgives youa high, but actually there’sno substance toi. ‘The best songs are honest; they aren't decorated with, ‘empty sugar. So, when I'm performing, I think: I'm just ‘communicating. But I put my hands up too ~ I'm vain ‘want to look good. We can't help tas human beings Idon'thave the answers; Pmstilllooking. But Ido have faith in God ~ something bigger than myself. I’sawonderful thing to have, faith, And I think that human beings crave connection and meaning, We're all children of something ‘greater, and when Thave that faith, Thavea much more expanded heart, and compassion and tolerance for allofus. ent orne eset tooo herewalar inthe springLh ®@ Have you had a happy year? Ayear ago, Psychologies and Action for Happiness launched a joint Happiness Club project together. As we celebrate our first year, inaugural club founder Suzy Greaves asks, has it worked? Are Happiness Club members happier? astDecember Istarted ourvery frst Happinest Club. We joined forces fora year-long project \with charity Action for Happiness to invite our readers to ereate book-club style gatherings in ‘our oven homes where we invited friends along. te discuss how we can put happiness ~ ours and other peo: '5~at the heart of our life philosophy. The vision was for Pyctbgiesand Action or Happiness to work together to create a happier and less self-centred world, with far ‘ewer people suffering from mental health problems and far more people feeling good, functioning well and trying tohelpothers. Hasit worked? Wel the big pictures that we've had over 11000 clubs starting lobally with anestimated0.000 people focusing on happiness every month. For me, personally is ‘eenaprofound year. 've become part ofa groupofineredi- bly kind and supportive women. Slowly, over time, we've ‘come toknow each other andstarted to tust each other, not only with the highs of our lives, but also the lows. It hasn't ‘beenall laughs in 2015, with il health, heartbreak and stress snappingatourheels Butwhathas been magicaisthat we've created a safe place where we ean be honest and know we ‘Se PsveHoLoaits wAaAzZINE JANUARY 2016 ‘won'the|udged, but ratherlistened toand supported.Tnour last Happiness Club of this year [found myself ineredibly moved as we quietly chatted together, and T realised we'd found somewhere for two hours ona Monday night once rionth to just be with the good, the bad and the ugly in our lives. Happiness isnot just about joy; but about acceptance, supportand ove, Seekingout happiness Its als about shifting our attention and choosing to seek ‘out the light when al around fels dark to sek inspiration ‘nen all you feels deep, andto now there isaroad back from misery to happiness. I suppose Pve alwaysbeen pas- sionate about this because deciding to make that shift started for meat an early ae, when lost bath my parents to-cancer a a teenager. Quilty, [had to learn to shit my attention-toactivelycekhappinessratherthane dined by git Tent we cannot control what happens an the outside, but we can contol how we react ti, and that Aistinetion makes all the difference betwen a happy life andamiserable one Tonlywish had accessto Action for Happiness years‘ag, because the charity has done the hard ‘work of giving us the scientifically proven. ‘methodsand pructicestashiftourattention to being happy and eveate a happier world wrapped up ln its deceptively simple 10 1eysto happiness (Gee right). ‘Take action “This year, I've been reminded that its not enough to Just rend about happiness to make a difference to the quality of your life: you have to do something differently, too. working. Every month, you invite a bunch of fiends to come together to focus their attention on happiness, to have fun, to cat, aye havea glass of wine and to discuss 6 THE 10 KEYS OF HAPPINESS GIVING: be things for others ©) RELATING: Connect = with people ©) EXERCISING: Take © careot your body APPRECIATING: Notice ‘the worl around you T TRYING OUT: Keep © learning new things ‘Thats why believe Happiness Cbs are DIREETION: Have gat RESILIENCE: Find ways 7 to bounce back EMOTION: Try to take the happiness club alongside us this year ~ she recorded a ‘video for every key ofthe 10 Keys of Happ ness, plus given advice and support. Golng forward, she has inspired our new Happl- ness Club Book Club page inthe magazine where we will read one book on happiness and positive psychology every month (and we will ereate a summary if you haven't actually got the time to read it, with five {questions to discuss sothat weean continue ‘our Happiness Clubs into 2016, Pus, a ig thank-you also goes to Marke Williamson, director of Action for Happi ress, who helped me launch this initiative and invited me to speak on the same stage as the Action for Happiness patron, the Dalai Lama, in September. Now there's a patie ppreseh thetonlike what do yuerjorabout sane hppymement | wineve forget TR? ow canyon conc more wityeur) AEGEPTANE: Lear toe eae a apne Jocal community? How ean you be uncon- Tai ae sniien Clubbers up and down the country who Sinaipeonpctoyansarsenea [() RNOMEANI Se etmattactateoeal are challenged to take one small action to of something bigger are part ofour ‘global happiness club. {improve your own and other people's hap- piness, and held toaecount by the group to take that ction, ‘The Happiness Club provides the architecture of monthly gatherings where together, you get tocreate the foundation ofhappinesshabits to build on, As editor of Psychologies, ve come to understand that to make a real difference and create a genuine impact in people’ lives, we need to take it off the page of amagazine ang create structuresinourlives that support anew way of doing things. And together with Action for Happiness, we are doing just that - we are creatinga fre, fn, enjoyable ‘way to connect more deeply with our communities: tocom- rit to taking small daily or monthly aetions that will make our ov ives, and other people's, happier. A huge thank you Taliketo thank Vanessa King,thepositive psychology expert forcharity Action or Happiness, who hasbeen our Obi Wan Forall our other readers, Pd be delighted ityou would lke to join us in 2016 in our continuingefforts tomake the world ahappler place —allthe information you ‘noed to registerisin the box below Here's toa happy 2016! reo AM ah ely HAPPINESS CLUB eee ne een Ts Pere ete es seers ns yes eee es ews with Action for director Mark Williamson and positive pepe /ANUARY 2016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 59Next month in PSYCHOLOGIES GETIT DONE! Stop talking, start doing - an expert guide to productivity = Start the ignition... Meet the new gurus who will help you change your life = The big leap How to be courageous when the chips are down = Please, Mr Postman... The healing power of letter-writing = PLUS: Fitness holidays, how to stop self-sabotaging, and learn how to create your new 10-minute wind-down beauty regime DON'T MISS the February issue — on sale 24 DecemberJOIN US! In partnership with NOW Live Events, we're offering two life-changing workshops - how to do less and get more with Shaa Wasmund, and our new columnist Chris Baréz-Brown who is launching your weekly Wake Up call in 2016 — 28 Doless, get more: how to work smart and live life your way DATE:9 December 2015 \VENUE: Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion ‘Square, London WC1 4RL TIME: Ypm-8.30pm COST: £18 W's easy to find yourself doing mare, more, more ~ and yet never really getting to where you want to be. says entrepreneur and bestselling author cfDo ees, Get More Shaa\aerund ere Aer tho deat of ner partner she (ey a teitoanuitrebusyuitr-controted Mosman et AU life 2s a coping mechanism, but soon realised this was a trap of her own EI ‘making, Shaa knew something hat tochange andsostatedtofoason "The Jake Up! with Chris Banéz- toctanseandsostateeiofsisony “The Great Wake Up! with Chris Baréz-Brown that by doing less, she was able to DATE: Wednesday 6 January 2016 _iberation. Chriss entertaining accomplish more and washappier.too. TIME: 7pm-8:30pm presentation style is euaranteed VENUE: Conway Hall,25 Red Lion to deliverlife-changing results INTHIS WORKSHOP, ‘Square, London WC1 4R COST: £18 YOU WILLLEARN: Bestseling author. speaker and IN THIS WORKSHOP How to recognise it you're stuck creativity expert Chris Baréz-Brown YOU WILL LEARN: 3 inthe-busy trap and what to do willbe launching his latest project. ‘© Vihy we are running on autopilot 3 othe things you should always do called The Great Wake Up! in 2016, ‘@What our tives could be like if F lessof inyour life. andthe dramatic -»«Chrisspecialsesin helping people we make even small changes, E benefits you'll wee when you do toreconnect with their inner genius __-@ Practial advice an tips on & eHow focus, prune and prioritise, and be confientinwho they truly are. how to discover your true self {and creates ie that you realy love TheGreat\Wioke Up! sanexperment _@ Inspiring, interactive andl energising § eThethree rulestoliveby:doit, _-‘Mhowtofindthetime andenernyto _—_exareises to create change delegate it, or ditch it ‘make your ite brighter, more Tf pir mre imation se poy dango to or mare bmi Sh, es om place. nessence.itsastrategy orlfe _hurc-tramsun/Be-geacwatesp (ORG/TICKET: z 2 JANUARY 2035 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 6L‘THE PENNINGHAME PRocEss MALY OR ALERT) The Penninghame Process helps you to create Ceres ccna ee! understand that small changes in your inner self Peete ghame Process isa six day residential course focusing on deep personal growth and self-awareness. Set in the beautiful surroundings of a Victorian estate located in South West Scotland, Penninghame House is surrounded by the beauty of nature and Peete tee keke es This fall programme of daily meditation and deep self-development will help you to gain new strength and self-awareness which will allow you to take responsibility for your own actions een eo aes the answer is yes, then you will benefit from The Penninghame Process Br a ee ed De ete eee Dey a ae ed dysfunctional emotional relationships pore td *Thave early childhood wounds and traumas in the past that [want to eal and move atsay from De an oe ee ae en + Toften feel lost and lack motivation for lif + Twant to improve my relationships - intimate, neers Saturday 2 April - Friday 8 April family social and at work, but Tdon't know bow Dey any een The six day residential course costs £1,595 and this includes accommodation and all of your meals. The delicious and nutritious meals are Prete ee ete ne tere ena ero) Sten Okc en Steet ees Saturday 29 October ~ Friday 4 November co People often ask me what the process consists of, all I ccan say is that it’s there to help you heal yourself in the most loving, kind and heroic way possible. I cal it the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. Go. ra eed Please visit www.penninghame.org for further information or call Lynn on 01671 401414 for a confidential discussion.Dossier NOURISH YOUR Our relationships are one of the things we investin most: we pour our trust, vulnerability, time and love into them. So what can we do when it feels like they might be lost to us; a waste of time, or different to the relationship we first entered into? This month's Dossier gives you ways to get back on track ~ andit only takes one person to initiate the change you want to see. We've rounded up all the advice, including what to do when the honeymoon periodis over, why an affair doesn’t always mean the end and how to argue well. Three women tell us about their relationships, and you can learn more about yours with our test: what kind of couple are you? “To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - thisisa human offering that can border on miraculous” Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriagessier Do: HOW TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP No couple can linger in the honeymoon period forever, but what happens when you can't see a ‘happily ever after’ with your partner any more? Help isat hand from psychologists, marriage gurus and relationship experts, as Anita Chaudhurirounds up the advice that will save yourrelationship antherebeany arenoflifewherehope triumphsoverexperieneemoreth: {in romantle relationships? From song lyrics and novels to the silver sercen, we are bombarded with the ‘message that out theresomewhere is prince, and when we find him we will somehow mage ically live happily ever after. Cue power ballad ere- svendo, Credits rol, We walk into the sunset. ‘The trouble is, no-one ever asks "Then what?” What happens when the sparkly pixie dust wears off and it feels suspiciously like that prince we found is, if not sprouting actual webbed feet, then at least beginning, todevelop certain toad-liketendencies? Conflictsarise, ‘and no wonder ~ we're all fueing more stresses and demands, spinning more plates in the air than any pre~ ‘vious generation, Andit's ourrclationship with oursig- nificantother that often bearsthebruntofthesestrains. ‘So what do you do when you feel things have gone so far off track that you wonder if you even have a future together atal.letalone ahappy-ever-afterone? Weave five mindset shifts to help future-proof yourlove story, BOREDOMISN’T NECESSARILY BAD NEWS For many couples, the rot sets in when the honeymoon period wears off, But scientists hhave discovered this caused by simple brain chemis- tryand isnot asign you have become incompatible or “Weall just want to feel safe andsecure. All our tantrums, angers and resentments are amask for our fear” gone off each other. In her book Why We Love: The [Nature and Chemistryof Romantic Love Holt McDougal, £10.99) anthropologist lelen Pisherobservesthat the brains of people who are madlyin love look markedly different from the brain seans of people who are not She likened romanticlovetobeingakintoan addiction, Which triggers the area of the brain associated with cravingand obsession, Meanwhile, esearch by Donatella Marazzitiat the University of Pisareveals thatin those who say they're {nove (as well as in people with obsessive compulsive disorder), levels ofthe neurotransmitter serotonin, ‘which hasacalming effect, dip below normal levels. She found that in thefst sixmonths offallinginlove, men, and womenhad raised levels ofthe stresshormone car tisol.Levelsof testosterone, whichboostssexdrive,are also raised in women, But a year or so later, levels of different hormone - oxytocin - kickin. Oxytocin is responsible for long-term bonding, often referred toin pop seienceasthe cuddle hormone’ Itmakessense, but unlessyouunderstand he biology. youean mistake this feeling ofquiet contentment forboredom. ‘When theexeitement Wearsoffandwefeelbored, we = tend to look t our relationshipsuas the cause, explains >>>‘couples counsellor and author of J Can't Get Over My. Partner's Agar (Marshall Method, £9.99), Andrew G ‘Marshall. But the reason we'reboredisuswallybes either we?renot growingorourrelationshipisnot grow- Inga the same pace a we're growing. Ifyou feel that you're doing the same thingover and over again, that’s generally a sign something needs to change. Maybe you're frightenedofsayingordoinganythingaboutit, “Two questions to ask yourself would be what have your dreams been for yourself, and what has blocked you? Try toaccess what thisfeelingis tryingto tellyou. So,itmight feel likeyou'rebored with your relationship when, in fact, you fare Taelng a life stage problem and “The key to good ‘confidence to express their feelings, even ifthere are things which they fearorsuspecttheirpartnermaynot becomfortable hearing” Particularly if you're locked into a typical ‘hostile’ ‘couple dynamic, you might read this advice and think “yeah, butexpressingfeelings is what leads torowafter ‘row’, Waters stresses that by sharing true feelings, ‘hich involves vulnerability, thingsbecomemuchless accusatory than the attack mode of: you never help vwith..’or you always gotothe pub when.” “These types ofstatements are usually an exaggera- tion,and they’resaid nthe heat of ‘the moment because we're angry ‘and frustrated’ he continues. don'tknow what todoaboutit- Just © COMMUNICALION “Inevitably they raise the temper- because a problem popsupinone — jg neither about ature and we're likely to get place, that doesn't necessarily mean : ‘ another attack throwback a us. a m=” needingtoberight yrs childrenarestartingschooloriew- Nor alWays getting — bigbemeyafteranother? ing home, and you've been so caught ‘upin that you haven't contemplated yourrelationshipina very longtime. your own way. It’s about having the Waterssuggeststhatahiealthier ‘approach might go like this, using the topical issue of Christmas. i Fi household chores as an example SUIETSONNIENZS Neolggaaarear acre toexpress what's — cusaboutChristmasbecauseT'm YOU CAN ding on for YOU” rememberinghow things werein CHascrvoun — $01NEON for YOu" eee ane SCRIPT-AND because I eel Tend up doing s0 SOCAN YOUR PARTNER muh. I yet so tired. I feel a bit overwhelmed, 301 Payehologist and marriage guru John Gottman categorised five types of eouple (to see which profile type you are, turn to page 70). Out of the five, Gottman analysed two couple types in the lab as ‘unhappy, hostile and hostile-detached. He found that ingeneral, the so-called hostile couples tended tostay. unhappily married while the hostile-detached ones eventually got divoreed ‘The good newsisthat youcan changeyourseript, and research suggests it’s well worth your while to make the first move. According to sociologists at Rutgers ‘University, the happier awoman is within a marriage, the happier her husband is, regardless of how he feels about thelr relationship, And it doesn't even need te involveabigeonfrontation either, David Watersisapsychotherapist whoruns elation ship workshops at The School of Life.“The key to good communication is neither about needing to be right nor always getting your own way. Its about having ‘the quiet confidence tojustexpress what's golngon for you, And t's not with the intention that anyone needs tochange thelr behaviour. Teneourage couples to gain ‘thought it would be useful to share that before i all starts", you might be implying something, but you're nnotaccusinghim ofbeinga terrible husband. Youoften settoa richer, more meaningful conversation because you'rereally expressing eclingsratherthan tellingthe ‘other person how they should orshouldn' behave,” More troublesomestillis the hostile-detached type. “One of my clients put it like this’ explains Marshall "She said “we've been having asilent argument for five years”. Often thereare lots of issues under the surface ‘where one person has seethed while the other has tip- toed, or a combination of the two. There's a load of, thingsyoudon'tsaybecauseit’Ilrock the boat and spoil everything. The only way you can stop ital bubbling. to the surface isto switch off the feelings that feel ‘unacceptable ~ feelings like anger and resentment. ‘Unfortunately, we can’t choose the feelings we switch off. I's not like aswitehboard where you can switel some offand put others through. So what happens is Yyouend upswitehingalyourfeclingsoffand you'relett ‘witha srtof greyboredness. Which is when people can cenduphavingalfairs, just to feel somethingagain’ JANUARY 2016 P8YENOLOGIES MAQAZINE 67ier Dos UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT - AND WHAT YOU NEED It was British psyehologist John Bowlby who pioneered the concept ofattachment patterns ~ the way our needs were met in early child hood, Recognising our pattern can help us to under stand the strengths and fault lines in our adult relationships. The four types are secure,ambivalent, avoidant and disorganised. So for ‘example, ifwe grewupwithaparentwe couldn't rely on, we might grow up to find we're clingy and suspicious with ‘our husband, displaying classe signs ofseparationanxiety:Fearofabandon- ment mightbe our pattern ‘Deep down we all want to feel safe and secure, and we all wantto feel that ‘we can ultimately trust our partners, that they will hold uswhen things Fee! ‘confusing, worrying or odd,’ says ‘Waters. ‘Its a simple idea that really resonates. All our tantrums, angers and resentments are a mask for our fear. We're actually asking “doyoureallyloveme?” and “do Lfeelsafehere?”or"do Ifeelheldby you?” Itsavery useful idea to share with couplesin conflict! Waters explores questions with couples such asthe best ways for cach of them to feel safe, This often ‘explains why one halfof a eouple needs a phonecall if the other's going tobe home late, for example.“Fearof abandonmentcausesusto get angryandlash out Ifour motherdidn'trespond toourery, could beamatterof life and death, We earry that feelinginto adulthood. If the love partner is not making us feel safe, if we're ignored, orifwethinkthey'rehavinganaflair,wegetso frightened it might fee like lifeand death? ‘TRY TOSTANDINEACH OTHER'S SHOES Af you discover your partner has been, cheatingonyon,clearlythatsgoingtobe point where you might believe your relationship is ‘beyond repair, However, even in these circumstances thereissome hope. TheChinesesymbol frerisiscom- ‘ines the words danger and opportunity’ Marshall points out. ‘Initially, itis very easy to see the danger part, and hard to see any opportunity. But there's one advantage about dealing with infidelity. Couples with (68 PsveHOLoGIEs MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 “Your partner an’tread your mind, soif something is upsetting you and youcan'tletit go — gently explain whatit is and how itmakes you feel” affairs generally arrive in my office the mostangry, but leave the happiest. The reason? Most couples tiptoe around the hot topics -he hatesher mother, she earns ‘way more than him — you just don't go there. But after anaffair couples are willing to put everything on the table. [fyou're willing to try and save things, you go to those places you'd never dare to talk about before, Other couples never gothere” “Marshall adds that when a part- ner has had an affair the wronged partywilloftenask"why did youdo it?’andthe reply willbearhetorical “why do you think Tdi It?" He says “Avs easy to bat that away, but gen erally what you have to do is not oly stand in your partner's shoes, ‘but take on board from where they arestandingeverything they see to be true, You may not agree with them, but it’s their version of the ‘world. The truth ofarelationship is combination of those viewpoints CELEBRATE EACH OTHER Gottman’sresearch showed thatinahappy marriage, when discussing problems, cou- plesmakeatleastfivetimesasmany positivestatements ‘toandabouteach otherand therelationshipasnogative ‘ones.-Prequentlycouplescometosce me who may have {orgotten about theeartystageor theirrelationship, per: haps kidscame along, they're tired orhave money wor- ries, They forget the thing they had inthe beginning” says Waters. I was working with one such couple and ‘the aggression between them was very passionate, [ asked asimplequestion."“Whatwasitthat attracted you to each other when you first met?” The change was instantaneous, like the sun breaking through clouds. ‘Soon they were smiling, accessing that photo album of hhappy memories. Itchanged from something that felt soangry tosomething ovingand gentle’ ‘You don't need to beincouples therapy to do ths, he ‘adds. implyaskyour partner tospendi0 or15 minutes reminiscingabout the early days of your relationship, ‘rom thesilly'remember you used to wear that funny hhat®’to shared good times and an appreciation ofthe other person's good traits. Tyou ean start sharing in nostalgic and playful way, it indicates there is still hhopefor your relationship’ier a Do: ADVICE DEALING WITH ARGUMENTS Conflict is part and parcel of our relationships, so how should we approach it? Sarah Abell, writer, speaker and coach, shares her advice on arguing well onfiet in relationship can be tring, frustrating, and monotonous. When & couple stuck in the same arguments, even small disagreements can make you feel trapped in a circle of conflict. But the good newsis that ifone person ‘within the relationship is motivated to improve things, the relationship can and will change. Weall have our way of dealing with confi. Perhaps You have to winan argument at all eosts, or maybe you long to keep the peace? The key factor when itcomes to the success of a relationship is not whether you tend tosulkorshout asan individual duringeanfict, but how yout interact as a couple, Over 40 years of research, psy- chologist John Gottman hasidentifid five confliettypes forcouples and found some have better outcomes than, others See if you can recognise your conflict type below. AVOIDANT ‘#*You'renotvery emotionally expressive and avoid argu ing. You focus on compatibility rather than differenct You think talkingabout difficulties makes them worse problems willsort themselves outifyoutleave theme, ‘#Youtend tobe quite independent people with separate interestsand refrain from trying oinfluenceeachother. ‘There is warmth and respeetbetween You, VOLATILE ‘# [fyou are volatile couple, everyone knows it. Your Interactions areintensely emotional and expressive. ‘You love ta debate, and beliovehonestyand connection are important ina relationship. You have no secrets. ‘©Youfightpassionately and love makingup. Yoursex ite Isa high priority. Jealousy ean cause friction, but there isalsoalotofhumour and fun inyour relationship, VALIDATING lfyou'reavalidatingcouple, you'relikely tobe generally 70 PsveHoLoaits MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 positiveand calm. Youareveryempathetieandtaketime tounderstandandappreeiate each other's points of view. You choose your battles. You might get heated on some topies but usually, one of you willback dawn, (You tend to he good-natured ‘humour. Being friends matters more than total honesty. interactions and use HOSTILE ‘¢Hostilecouplesconsistof one avoiderand onevalidator. © Often the validator wants to talk issues out and the ‘moreavoidant one doesn’t want to. you are the valida tor, ou sce your partner as unearingand ifyou are the avoider, you think your partneris needy and negative. You aren't very good at empathising with cach other; there’ lots feriticism, blaming, contemptand whining Youjust wishyourpartner would accept that you'reright. HOSTILE-DETACHED © One of you Is naturally a validator and the other is volatile. Itisa toxiecombination, (The validator will only endure the conflict up until a certain point and then they shut down, bat the wolatile oncislikeadog withaboneunwillingtoletitdrop. This relationship drains you of energy. You're often blowing up or giving each other the silent treatment, ‘Thisisnot afunrelationship tobein, Alleontfictisnot equal Ifyourecogniseyourselvesinany of the first three types ~ that's good, According to Gottman, yours Is more likely to be a happy and stable relationship. However, the other two types of relation: shipsaremorelikely toheunhappy,andhostile-detached couplesarethemost ikely to splitup. I'you'restuckina toxie relationship, it would be worth seeking help from therapist or coach, Visit my website: nakedhedgehogs, com, or welldoing.org for expert help. But whatever your style, there are things you can do to improve your approach to conflict asan individusland as. couple,fOP TIPS FOR HEALTHY CONFLICT ] mistieess ent 4 Rear T Don't opt out oO rsyrmanet (epson Goma, Tone ©) Say what you mean. 7 Don't generalise. 3 7 ser ate han ru 8 016 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 71CHRONICLES Every relationship is unique, and whether we manage to keep our relationships alive through tough times, or end up saying goodbye, we all have astory to learn from. Here, three women share their stories of love and loss “We have an awareness that we both need “Inthe past, Iwas what you'd call serial ‘monogamist. Inmy career asa music PR. Thad lived and workedall over the place and stillhadn'tmet the right man, Td get to the stage where things didn’t feel quite right andstart tothink about movingen. Inmy ‘id-thirties, [turned tointernet dating, ‘Afteryet another fafled experience with that, one Christmas my brother suggested Leone out with him and his friends. ‘That night, one of is felends whom Thad known since I was 14, Dave, was there. Ittook. awhile to get over that feclingof: “you're my brother's friend!” but we started dating. And Just nine months later, discovered Twas ‘pregnant. We weren'tcven livingin the samecity atthe time, ‘The fact that we'd been together such a short time before havingababy has meant ‘wehave an awareness that we both need to tend the relationships much as we can. Had ‘webeen together for along time, we might not have. So we've always used babysitters to ‘enable us to have evenings out together and to tend the relationship as much as we can” ‘we've been rigid about boundariesaround bedtime, We have two children now and they alwaysssleep in their own beds so we ean enjoy adult time. Interms of keeping the relationship alive, ‘wehave a good sex life and we think that’s really important. Often when kids come along, that ean fall by the wayside. Atleast ‘with us; when we had children, that side of things wasstill fresh so we made the effort. gave up myjoband that could have been tough on the relationship, too. Butafter my first daughter washorn, [decided tohave a ‘goat writinganoveland [was hieky enough ‘towin the Luke Bitmead Bursary - the largest UK prize for unpublished authors. ‘Becominga writer has been very good for thebalance of our relationship. ‘The onething I would say is that beeause ‘wedidn’thave this golden period pre-Kids to ook back on, it means we don’t put the past ‘onapedestal. Instead, we just enjoyand ‘eclebrate where we arenow? ‘Urtouhabl Mag by Tra Gua and Pres) sou 0“The cour: My parents had been happily married for 30 years when, they went on The Marriage Course. Both af them loved it. Other friendshad done it, too. Although thecourse started atthe Holy Trinity Brompton, the church thats hometo thect orwithout a Christian faith, Myhusband OscarandImarriedin 2001 and we hada pretty tough first yeas, We come from very different family hackgroundsandwe just missed each other’spointof view ‘onailotofthings. Fnadasecure, happy upbelnginginan English family, whereas Oscar grew up in South Africa and hisparentsbroke up when he was very young. Theways we handled disagreements were ery different, For example, ‘Osea Would assume itwasgoing toend indivoree, whereas ediay head. There was alot, ristian Alpha course, it's designed for couples with that wouldnoteven haveenter ‘ofanxiety and fear between us —italmostalways came out e enabled us to handle things in a positive way” of different expectations ofwhatamarriage lookslikeand how the ather person aught to communicate The course runs over seven weeks, You turn upand the roomissetwith lotsoflitletablesfortwo.Itfeelslikea = datenight; youhave supper and the facilitators talk through the topic ofthe night. There's no airingofdirtylaundry withothermembersofthe group, t'sjusthetweenthe twoofyou, You gethomeworkto digdeeperintotheideas © uring the week ahead, which we found really revealing ‘This ast year, my husband hasstarted his awncompany, whichisincredibly stressful, we've had abereavementand Pmabout tohaveanother baby. The course enabled us to ‘handle things inapositive way It gives youa toolbox to fix things when you're knocking yourheads together. Thonesthy don't know wheve we'dbe as acoupleif we hada’ doneit, armors isjrmotion“Tremember thinking, ‘I can’t do this again nextyear” “My husband and I were together for fiveyears before we got married. We Jhada'tlived together, so the wedding ‘marked the startofalovely new stage for us. Iwasin my mid-twenties. was happy, but stillfiguring out ‘who Lwas and what wanted kr life. ‘Three yearsin, we were growing indifferent directions. Ireally meant my wedding vows, sodecidingto geta divorce was the most difficult chotee T'veever made, Hewas.agood man and Iwas doingmy best tobe a good ‘wife but T was miserable. [realised could itherstayin the relationship andletmy soul die or [could be terrifyingly braveand eta divoree. ‘There were several flashpoints ‘during the last Christmaswe were ‘together. One evening, we were having ‘dinnerwith his friends, Iwaslistening tothe same stale jokes from their past ‘that Fd heard 100 times before and wanted torun from theroom. 1 ‘remember thinking, *Tean'tdo this again next year”, [felt trappedin harmless but lifeless situation. Tnow coach other people tospeakof divorcein terms of completionand to honour the relationship as they leave it. Thisisthebest way tohave a truly fresh start. Itmade me fully available fornew adventuresinall aspects of ‘my life, After my marriage, Tenjoyed several years of polyandry; 1 relished the experience oflovingmanymen. Tmnov in a monogamous relationship that feels grounded and adventurous. Would I marry again? Honestly, [don’t ‘know, What Ido know is that every ‘one of my relationships has been part ‘ofmy happily everafter? ‘rmorvatout Vena ssevearanphalconssier TEST Do: WHAT KIND OF COUPLE ARE YOU? Discover which type of couple you are* by answering the following questions as honestly as possible, and ask your partner to doit as well! You and your other half go out for the evening. © Thisisexceptional, usually we prefer tostay at home Your partner usually decides when, and where to go & Weusually have adatenight at the weekend ‘A Nothingout ofthe ordinary, we're always together Wehadtojuggle diaries tomtitin 2 in terms of taste (hooks, films, ete) and ideas (political, cultural, spiritual). ‘A Wercrather differentand that'sfine Weeachhaveour preferences andit sometimes gives rise to heated Aiseussions betwe % Wehavelittleincommonand we don’ thave meaningful conversations I We share views on most things @ Jenduppanderingto their tastes 3 When a conflict is brewingin your relationship, you tend to: Wi Let yourpartnerhave theirown ‘way toavoidanargument © Waititout @ Provokeablazingrow soyouean, both get things out inthe open A Speakealmly + Blameyour partner for causing trouble 4 How often do you socialise with your friends? ‘A Frequently, they often come round 76 PSveNoLooIES MA@AZINE 18) © Nowandthen-wehavea few very close fiends @ Weoftenall goout together + Wesee our friendsseparately alot W Only very occasionally '5 The words that best summarise the goals of your relationship are: 1 Security and stability © Tenderness and support ‘4 Mutual exchange and openness tothe world Motivationand assistance * Comfortandsafety 6 Who in your relationship brings new ideas or suggests adventures? ‘A Weshare these discussions + Usually my partner does Aboutequal between us © Neitherofus 1 Sometimesit'sme, but mostly it's my partner 7 You have to work late and your partner finds there's not much athome to cook for dinner. ‘They wait foryou -you'llhave gone tothe supermarket on the waylhome i They callyoutoaskwhat todo Theyorderatakeaway A They goto thesupermarket © Together,youmakeameal out ofleftovers when you get home 8 Youboth eat dinner: © Every dayat vaguely thesame time WAL7S0pm sharp @ Whatever time youboth get home + Oftenat the same time A Tsftexible 9 The plumber has to come round on Wednesday morning. So. ® You'rethe onewhohastowaitin Your partnersald they couldn't ‘wait in because of work © Your partner books the day off, ‘viewingitasagood opportunity for mid-week break Younegotiate according to your diaries ‘A. Your partner waitsin 10 Who makes the decisions about finance, holidays, home interiors, ‘weekend activities, ete? * Youdothehomestuff,yourpartner does the rest ¢ Both, afterdiscussing things 5 ‘Therearenoset rules Ml Wedecide together, except incertainareas 4 Every decisionis taken by mutual agreement 11. Your relationship is more like: © Anest Aspringboard Wi Acastle AAship + Atrain NOW SEE HOW MANY TIMES YoU PICKED EACH SYMBOL, AND TURN THE PAGE TO FIND YOUR PROFILEossier Avostive COCOON This couple stl is characterised by afusonf desires. You share alot of commen interests and activites, andhave a netorkof frends who act ike extended family =i ikely your own family backgrounds are both very stable Nothing makes you happier than spencing mein your cosy bubble, just the two of your in the company ofthat chosen ner Circle. Youtenotinteeste in broadening yout horizons, ot veninengegra ith people rom iferentbackarounds toyours Tenderness support andrelxabon are prorties Soda and professional ambien are foreign concepts to both of you and yur nt particularly bothered about making amarkin your communi. At home, you share Chores and responsible Decisions ar akenby rita agreement and eachof your opinions matter equaly. Ty thls: Make a dat to see frends on your own once a week Ty to develop one obby or actly that you can do without your partner. beta ook group volunteering MOSTLY = FORT KNOX Your couple style aspires to'a complete merging interest, Itsimportant to you that you and your partner share the same activities, be it sports and hobbies or taste in holiday destinations. You would do anything to avoid conflict and you'd prefer to agree with your other halfin order to have a ‘quiet ite rather than creating an upsetting scene. Your key couple values ae functioning consensus, simiarity, security ‘and solidarity. But within your coupe, the cifferences are more marked, You leave it to your partner to make new connections or suggest dtferent things todo. At home, it’s you who does most othe domestic and parenting tasks. ‘You may well year for more tenderness from your partner, as wellas a greater sense of security and for meaningful distractions t alleviate the humdrum of your fe. Try this: Sit down with your partner and workout how to rmixthings up abit, Put them in charge ofthe housework ‘one right a week, while you take over the planning fora new outing or activity forthe weekend. MOSTLY # VIVE LA DIFFERENCE! This couple style emphasises equality and autonomy. The richness of your life is gleaned more from your differences than your similarities. Te communication between you is about a heathy exchange of views and negotiation rather than on trying to come toa consensus. Youboth puta high value on going out into the world, meeting people and 79 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 ‘enjoying new experiences. At home, chores and duties are conducted by one or other of you equally. Noone isin charge of any particular role. Youind this approach isa ‘sound emotional investment where you each enjoy the ‘other's support, sympathy an humour. You don't set much store by ritual or habit finding that improvisation innovation and finding new ways to do things are more productive. Try this: As an experiment, you might try introducing a set ritual or routine to your life, such asa Tuesday night date night. You don't always need to reinvent the wheel! MOSTLY a. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER It your relationship was a flm genre, it would be a buddy ‘movie! You have a great desire to merge, and enjoy similar ideals, tastes and activities. Yourarely go anywhere without each other But although beingin agreements important to you asa couple, you dan't cut yourselves off from the worl. You like getting involved in community life and have great telationships with extended family, friends and neighbours. Values, such as support and security, combine with your willingness to engage with the wortd and become involved inboth your respective professional and community ives. You've no problem sharing the chores at home, and your partneris probably above average when it comes to lending a hand. Your defaut setting isto take decisions jointly. n general, you like to focus on being spontaneous and flexible, rather than sticking to rigid routines. Try this: Once in a while you might want to rent a box set coder ina takeaway and spend some quality time on a date night at home, just the two of you MosTLy * PARALLEL LIVES Your couple thrives on individuality more than fusion, You ‘each enjoy your own ideas. tastes and activites, but this, ‘can puta good deal of space between you. You canbe reluctant to present a united front where you open your home to family, friends and acquaintances. The division of roles and functions is quite clear. Your partner expects you to provide home comforts and support ‘them in the advancement of their career. They take the initiative when it comes to your social life, arranging holidays and nights out. Your domain is the domestic arena and your roles to ease stress, smoath aver conflicts and disagreements, and support each other. The key concepts {for your couple style are order and security Try this: Occasionally, you might enjoy breaking out of your traditional gender roles. Perhaps explore signing up {for aDIY or car maintenance course, or get your partner to agree to cook dinner one night a week.SAVE YOUR Learn to RELATIONSHIP — We're launching our online courses very soon - anew series of 30-day programmes with top experts to change and inspire every area of your life. WHAT WOULD IT BE SIGN UP... DO YOU FEEL... LIKE IF YOU COULD... 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How to Save Your Relationships led by Sarah Abel, Psychologies columnist, top relationship ‘expert and author of Inside Out: How to Have Authentic Relationships with Everyone in Your Lite ‘Sign up for detalls ofa fee three day tial at psychologies.cauk/Ife-labs:online-courses.. 10 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUERY 201GOOD THOUGHTS “Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us, but we can't strike them all by ourselves” LAURA ESQUIVELHolland & Barrett, Superdrug, supermarkets, GNC, pharmacies health stores and worw.osteocare.com rmal bones. Ostoocare's expert formula provides vitamin D, in the preferred D3 form as produced naturally by our skin when exposed to sunlight. Vitamin D, the ‘sunshine vitamin’, contributes to the normal absorption and utilisation of calcium, Osteocare® is especialy recommended for: Pregnancy & breast-feeding During & after the menopause UV Okier men & women “The Department of Health recommends that aut agod 65 yoars and over should take a dally supplement of 10y9 of vitamin D. Osteocare TABLETS / LIQUID Britains No, Supplementse VITABIOTICS SCIENCE OF HEALTHY LIVINGThe 3eauly | Skincare | Make-up | Body | Wellbeing | Healthsmarter skincare skinade™ is a result-driven skincare drink that, taken daily, will enhance your everyday skincare routine We are offering 1,000 Psychologies readers the chance to get a free taste sample: skinade.com/taste-test call 08451 300 205 or email [email protected] skinade & better skin from within.ON THE BLINK ‘sue flash upon lashes ete easiest way tocxperiment - the best toot We ve found fortis ‘ste new Tem Ford Lash Tips Mascara, £235. Choose from Pure Cobalt or ‘Buriched Gold ~ both vibrantly pigmented but subtly shimmery for grown-up glamour without gratuity. ‘TALES OF ACULT Hand Condy Droadened mybeauty horiznssithite rainbow shades dense pigmentsand cheeky productnames FounderDinch ‘Mohajerhasnow launched smith Calta polish £19) in dynamic Ashes sich as Ves Post Apocalyptic (bow) inspired hy herloveofart, ‘musicand erature Shesnaledit A. THE BOOST } beauty edit UPINSMOKE Timatiig tase it The Leet tions Perfumes ~ th snd collectable gifts (nin, bau) Hit label it gritty, grown up and FLASH imoke filed aerial eohy LIGHT counterbalance shimoner andl shine, ‘remembering sverand god pens todecorstemyhands >> Elemishas nutritionist Amelia Freer, author of Eat. Nourish Glow Harper Thorsons,£16.99) among its ambassadors to impart her expert advice online. And Vichy’s expert panel includes dermatologist Dr Anjali Mahto, and nutritional therapist Gabriela Peacock, who offer thelr expertise during product development, Complementary health indeed. MINDFULNESS BOTTLED. Beauty is also tapping into our new cultural awareness of ‘mindfulness, meditation and downtime, Aromatherapy Associates latest product Clear Mind Bath and Shower il, £848 (exclusive to Liberty), supports anyone seeking a meta- ‘phorical pause’ button, Containingeamomile, frankincense, palmarosa and bergamot, It helps release the mind, while ‘grounding you inthe present moment, creating space, peace ‘andclarity. Just what weneed right now. “Our minds are progressing rapidly and technology isthe single biggest factor in changingthe way we live? co-founder Geraldine Howardsays.'Ithassped everything upandweare Inconstant communication, living with the pressure ofthe ‘unexpected coming at us:24/7, We need to counterbalance this. and Talso know that quality aromatherapy ofls have the most profouncl and meastrableeffect onourminds Teall itcosmeties fr the psyche", she adds ‘This Workswas founded with thesole aimofereatingprod- ucts that really make a difference (he clue isin the name). ‘Tackling what asbecomeaprimary health eoncern for many lack ofsleep - This Works founder Kathy Phillipsploughed heavy resourees into the development of an incomparably cffectivesleepaid. The new Sleep PlusPillow Spray, £25,has ‘been clinially proven to inerease sleep time by three hours forthosewith disturbed sleep. THE BEAUTY OF GIVING Game-changing big brands with particularly punchy influ- cence are muselingin on the act, too, Sure, the bottom line is tosell products, butt now goes hand-in-hand with sharing ‘mportantinsightsandstarting crucial conversations ~ from accepting ourselves to challenginglack of diversity. ‘The Sanctuary Spe’s latest #LetGo campaign, in cllabo- ration with life strategist Jenni Trent-Hughes, came about rom a survey Sanctuary Spa conducted with over 5,000 ‘women. It showed the increased pressure women fel they are under: to be more, do more and give more, resulting in stressand imbalance. Thesurvey revealed awhoppingseven ‘outof10 women fel underpressureto be‘perfect “nearly half ‘were feeling moderately or extremely stressed and even ‘worse, four out of 10 felt they were about to burn out Tent. ‘Hughes calls this ‘the rise in the cult of Never Good Enough women who over-achieveand under-helieve’, 8 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2016 Us PERSONAL TOUCH Remember that catchy song from classic musical The King and 1?‘Getting to know you, getting to know allabout you. Getting to like you, getting tohope you like me! Well it may as well be beauty's new jimale because popularity an personalisation is paramount with brands trying to connect with you. Companies such as Boots, Superdrug and ‘eelunique.com are using clever software to track your purchasing habits, pinpointing parts of your persona ‘tomake more astute recommendations on products youl love (so you'll hopefully love them back). It does set alarm bells ringing. but there's no doubt that our ‘online shopping experiences are becoming increasingly ‘optimised, more practical and faster than ever before. Treatment booking site wahanda.com's founding ‘ethos was based onthe link between beauty and happiness, hence its tagine:"book yourself fabulous: ‘Personalisation sthe new frontier for online’ says ‘Wahanda.com co-founder Lopo Champalimaud, ‘and its only just beginning? ‘Alexia Inge, the brains and heart behind cultbeauty. ‘couuk agrees. This is the wonder of honest online dialogue, We're forming relationships here ~ people are much more ikely to tel you what they really think and ‘eel from the comfort of thelr sofa “‘Weareonamissiontohe|pwomenstop,relaxandbreathe, ‘and this is just the beginning, says Loulse Moore, head of | product development and marketing for Sanctuary Spa. According to Moore, i's been a resounding suecess with ‘women pledging to change their priorities, ‘taking stock of| ‘what they value in life and making sure they don't Tose sight ofitamong their hectic routines ane daily bustle she says. ‘The brand bareMinerals’ mission statement: "we exist to ‘makeapositivedifferencein womer’slives; hasbeen demon strated inmumerous wayssineethe company started20 years ago. Its digital communityand message boards (ihrivinglong before social media) have become a platform for thousands ‘of women. “The beauty industry has aresponsibility to pres- cent positive images and tell positive stories to women; says ‘MDLeslie Blodgett Kali this year itsponsored the Be Real Campaignaimingtobelpchangeattitudes onbodyimageand puthealthaboveappearance. Accordingto BeTeal'sresearch, “Tow body confidence is damaging lives froma young age ~ 660 per cent of adults are ashamed of the way they look. The knock-on effect can be depression, self harm and diction’ ‘This is serious stuff, and brands such as bareMinerals are not simply payinglip service here. By 2017, Be Real wants to be in 3,000 schools around the country promoting body =>THE BOOST } beauty ne MINDFUL ions BEAUTY PICKS wa. Prodkelao mate yout! Det palsmlen! aes, arenes Navelioos Mae ipeoss 26 Neom Trani Intense Sin Treatment cane £36 “Weare ona mission to help women take stock of what they value in life and ensure they don’t lose sight of it in the daily bustle” confidence (find out moreat bercaleampaign.co.uh). ‘Beauty's philanthropists, likeall ofus,need to makes liv- ing, But behind every good beauty brand there is, more than, likely, awoman who wants to make difference toher fellow ‘womenby notonly creatingexceptional products, but byalso creating opportunities. In October 1992, Evelyn Lauder launched the Breast Cancer Awareness (BAC) campaign, raising £88m to date for research fromsalesonpinkribbons and specially designed pink beauty products, Now; every ‘Octoberis Breast Cancer Awareness month onthe radarsof ‘millions, andledfor Lauderby Elizabeth Hurley. ‘Also makinga difference is make-up artist Bobbi Brown, ‘who says'2 womtan is most beautiful when she looks like her- selfand confidence iseverything, Butalittle make-up can't hurt And every penny of the Pretty Powerful Pot Rouge, £10.50, and Pretty Powerful Mascara,£20,goestowardsthe Pretty Powerful Campaign for Women & Girl, whose mis- sionis toempower women and girls through education, Empowering women has also been behind many of the beautyindustry’smostphilanthropicendeavours. Psycholo- _gles editor Suzy Greaves attended a sereening ofthe tm, ‘Suffragettewith Jane Wurwand, co-founder of Dermalogica. In2011, Wurwand founded FITE (Financial Independence 90 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2015 ELEMIS = x. son @ pilus Low Sanctuary spa tury ath Feat 210 ‘Through Entrepreneurship), a global women's initiative ‘where the vast majority ofthe ownership and workforce is {emale, Today, FITE provides access to loans and business resources, supportingeducationand leadership training, and |helping amplify women’s voices around the world (sobering stat alert: while women make up 66 per cent ofthe world’s ‘workforce, they earn only 10 per cent the world’s salary) VALUABLE SUPPORT. ‘Dove continues ts work withchildrenandyoungadultswith self-esteem issuesand thisyear sponsored the Womeninthe ‘World conferences where Hillary Clinton, Angelina Jolieand CaraDelevingnespoke. Supportingeducation, LOréal Paris ‘rewards 10 exceptional women with $10,000 each to serve ‘theircommunitiesandchampions womenin sciencewith the LOréal-UNESCO For Women in Seienee programme. ‘Philanthropy has always been at the heart of CEW, says Caroline Neville, president of CEW UK, a not-for-profit ‘organisation supporting women inthe beauty industry who have, to date, given £150,000 to the Eve Appeal, which con- ‘ducts life-saving research into gynaecological cancer, and support for young women viahomelesscharity, Centrepoint, “Pundscomefzom thoseinthebeautylndustey who areme Dersof CEW [Cosmetic Excentive Women] says Neville." We ‘think wemovebeautyand women’s health forward together? ‘While it's easy to be eynical about deep and meaningful ‘messages, fa business has emotional intelligence, philan- ‘thropy and self-improvement in its founding ethos, it’s already moved beyond aesthetie realms. Afterall, beauty products are intimate, personaland connectible and that is ‘the bottom ine := Neyer REMEDY TO FIGHT colds ¢ flu BY STRENGTHENING YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM PAN Tne ace eae the signs of a cold coming on ECs ror or Echinaforce® ‘echinacea Tablets Me sctas reece) HOUANDE BARRETT Available at yogel.co.uk oF call cur helpline on 0845THE BOOST } wellness REST DAY We often go into a new year determined to become fitter and healthier. But what should you do when dedication spirals into obsessior ? Author and triathlete Lucy Fry shares her surprising tip for boosting energy ‘ere Lam, sitting on the sofa, aching muscles covered in Deep Heat, trying to tle up my running shoes. From the outside, [look fit, healthy and entirely ready to exercise. But internally, there's a major conflict goingon: ‘imow Fmovertired, muscles sore from yesterday's gym ses sion and eyes burning from hours spent staringat.asereen. A voice in my head says - you're exhausted - maybe rest?” But another one tells me I need an endorphin release and should tickcthe tess box or won't havea good evening Yourvegotto dott saysthatvoice. Ileanjust getmyselfont of the door, Lean (literally) run away from my buzzing mind, pushingmyselftoapointwhereall can focusonismybreath, my feetand keeping going. After that, the feel-good chemicals willrush in,anaesthetisingmy inherentrestlessness,quleting ‘the ansious brain-chatter and lessening the guilt. Its only ashort-term solution, of course ~a perverse kind, ofimmediate gratification. Most of sknow onsome evel that 92 PsveHoLooits wAaAZINE JANUARY 2016 pushing through exhaustion issel- defeating and (ike drink: ing on a hangover) the consequences are only being delayed, Yetstil thereare those who, likeme, struggle to mecttheirown hrigh standards and as such, set themselves up for failure oF ‘burnout: Wewill never ever, be good enough, whatever wed, OVERDOING IT ‘Where does this uit aromidrestingandzelaxingcome from, | wonder? Why do I feel so driven to always do rather than allowing myself the odd don't to slow down, andstop, when isso obvious that I need to" There are 10 possible explana-_j tions Gt’ simply in my nature, its how T was raised, it's expected within my social circle, orisjustahabit ve allen Ino) and which oneismost paramount, I'm stil ot sure 1 do know, however, that in this addiction to productivity and dismissal of downtime, lam ertainly not alone. Theresa strandof(nmy experience, usually urban) socetyinvolvedin an infectious colletive madness that transforms lives into 3THE BOOST } wellne nothingmore nuanced thanahighly competitive to-dolist. As freelancer (with many freelance friends) the lack of bound aries around working hours and workload can make it easy to overdo things. Inthe fitness world too, its easy to fall for a ‘nothing Is ever enough’ sentiment, Twiee-daily training sessions while trying to jugsle work and family lives becomes the norm; soclalisingbegins to revolve szound tunningroutes and fitness buddies and all spare time is devoted to getting stronger, ter faster. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY ‘Yes those fervent fit ones may say they ove it Perhaps they even do ({ certainly did) But its not balanced, and it’s not healthy. These peopleare tralninglike athletes but they aren't restinglike athletes, which makes injury andillnessa foregone ‘conclusion. Its not that exercise, ambi- tion or tireless endeavour is always ‘unhealthy (ofcourse nat) - simply that without adequate rest and recovery tUme well be in trouble, tripping over from wellbeing into controlling, fren: 2\ed and unhealthy behaviour. These days, after a decade of running, swim- ‘ming, eyeling and gymming through fatiguesnalilness,'mbetterat listening tomy'body andlearn- ingto rest whether t feels (psychologically) uncomfortable or not. Ithelps to remember the big picture — that ome missed ‘exercise session doesn'tmattermuchinthelongrun—butalso toallow yourself to aceept the unquestionable science: Ifyou talke more rest, you perform better. Amongother more complicated factors, there's one very straightforward physiologieal reason for this exercise, par ticularly resistance training doesnot strengthen ourbody it