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For Esmé - With Love and Squalor

For Esmé

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Hyttel
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3K views15 pages

For Esmé - With Love and Squalor

For Esmé

Uploaded by

Hyttel
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
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Down at the Dinghy “Sundra—told Mrs. Smel—that Daddy's a big— sloppy—kike, Just perceptibly, Boo Boo diuched, but she lifted the boy olf et lap sad stood him in froat of her and Pushed back his bair from his forehead. “She did, Duh?” sho ssi, ‘Lionel wotked his head up and down, emphatically He came in closer, stil ering, Wo stand between tis mother’s lps. “Well, that ist Yoo terible;" Boo Boo said, bolle ing him between the two Vises of hee arms snd legs. “That ian’ the worst that. could. happen.” She gently bit the rim of the boy's ear, “Do you know What a kke is, baby?” Lionel was elther unwilling or unable fo spesk up atonce. At aay rte, be Waited il the hiccupping afte ‘math of his teats Had subsided a lle, Thea his am ser was delivered, mulled but intelligible, Into the ‘warmth of Boo Boo's neck. “K's one of those things that go up in the ai," hess, “With string you hold ‘The better to Took at him, Boo Boo pushed her soa slighly away from her, Thea she put a wild hand i side tho seat of his trousers, staring the boy con siderably, but almost immediately withdrew it and dees Stously tucked in his shit for him. “Fell you what We'll do,” she said. “We'll dive to town and get some pickles, and some bread, and we'll eat the pickles a "he car, and then well go to the station and get Daddy, land then well bring Ducldy home and make him take vs for a‘ride ia the boat. You'l have to Belp hia camry the sis down, 0.8.2" "OK," sid Lionel They dida't we Lionel won, back to the house; they raced, User J.D. Salinger ! Nine Storves, 193 For Esmé—with Love and Squalor oor ace, by air ma esied an aviation IO wuing na lake ace England on Apa than H hppans tote weg Td ge tbe Iie wo patty and wc be inal Ot aie Shook ep at be pobre to abe the tp tbrwd; by pane, expense hanged Hower The sce duced the ter ner esvly Wah ty il; a bresbaingy elec gi and ve {Palol aanat hor one ng, Pd comply or fence Un my nothrinlar Br lsking Tovar fo fpeoig ie lat two ose n Ape wih 1 aly Govan to sr Moor Greasnt te for and thes So pg any your Sb My Cat {hvu bet tno ina) ‘alts sane, tough, where TDappn 1 be T dost thnk Tne pe at dost ee it ngt 6 prover « being om tating Acsedng Toe foo thend a ote down & few reve os 08 Be Tl hr ao sag pots ould eae te goo, vom I havent et aa Sen) manent or ly ao ch te bat No. Seay ing pee es Moe cy, 0 ei 0 te For Bamé—with Love and Squat Jn April of 1944, T was among some sixty Amer fean enlisted men who took a rather specialized po Invasion ‘raining course, directed by Dritish Intell ‘gence, in Devon, England. And as I lok back, it seems to me that we were tainly unique, the sixty of us, in that there wasn't one good mixer in the bunch. We ‘were all exsenily lewerwriing types, and when we spoke 10 cach other out of the lie of duty, it was ‘suslly to ask somebody if he had any ink he wasn't ‘sing, When we werent writing leters of attending chsies, each of us went pretty much his own way. Mine wsually led me, on clear days, ia scene cic around the counts. Rainy days, generally sat In 4 dey place and read a book, often just an axe length ‘vay fiou ping-pong table, “The taining course lasted three weeks, ending ow a Saturday, avery rainy one, At seven that lst night, ‘our whole group was scheduled to entsin for London, ‘where, as rumor had it, we were to be assigned to in faniry and airbome divisions mustered for the D Day landings. BY three in the alterooon, Pa packed all my belongings into my barrack bag, including a canvas sgas-mask container full of books I'd brought over fom the Other Side. (The gas mask itselt Pa slipped rough @ portole of the Mauretania some weeks cate, flly aware that if the enemy ever did we gas Pd never get the damn thing on in time.) 1 remember ‘apding at an end window of our Quonset hut for a very long time, Jooking out atthe slanting, dreary rai, ‘my teigser finger itching impercepably, if ral, 1 eould hhear behind my back the uncomeadaly seratching of ‘many fountain pens on many sheets of V-aail pape. ‘Abmoply, with nothing special in mind, 1 came aw from the window and put on my raincoat, cashmere ‘muller, galoshes, woolkn gloves, and overseas cap Los For Bomé-—with Love and Squolor (the last of which, I'm sil told, T wore at an angle ail my owa—sightly down over both cars). Then, fatter synchronizing my wristwatch with the clock ia the ltrine, I walked dowa the long, wet cobblestone Dill ato town, 1 ignored the flashes of liyhtaing all found me. They either bad your aumber on them or they dia’ Tn the center of town, which was probably the wetest par of town, T lopped in frost of a church to read the bulletin board, mosty beeause the featured numerals, white oa black, bad caught my attention but parlly because, ater three years in the Acmy, Vd become addicted to reading bulletin boards. At dieo- fitcen, the board stated, there would be children's: choir practice, I looked at my wristwatch, then back fat the board. A shoet of paper was tacked up, ling the names of the children expected to attend prac fice. T stood in the rain and read all che names, then centered the church. "A dozen of s0 adults were among the pews, several cof them bearing pairs of smal/size rubbers, sles ups in their ape. I passed along and sat down in the froat row. On the rostuny, sated in three compact rows of fuditorium ehaits, were about tweaty children, mostly Bis, ranging in age from about seven to thiresa, At the moment, tier choir coach, an enormous women in eweeds, was advising them to open their mouths wider when they sing. Had anyone, she asked, ever heard of a litle dickeybied shat dared to sing his harming song without fst opening his Iie beak ‘wide, wide, wide? Apparenly nobody ever had. She ‘yas given & steady, opaque Took. She went oa 0 say That she wanted afer ehilden to absorb the mean Ing ofthe words they saag, not just mouth them, tke sily-bily parots. She then blew a note oa her pith 1991 For Eané—with Love and Squalor pipe, and the childsen, lke so many underage weight- Liars, mised their hymnbooks. “They sang without Instrumental accompasiment— for, move accurately in their caso, without any inter ference The voioes were melodious and unsentimental, most to the point where @ somewhat more denomi- tational man ‘than myself might, without straining Ihave experienced levitation, A couple of the very ‘youngest children dragged the tempo a tile, but in a fay that only the composer's mother could have found faut with, T had never hoard the hymn, but 1 Kept hoping it was one with @ dozon of more verses. Listening, I scanned all the ehildrn's faces but watched ue in particular, that of the child nearest Inc, on the end seat in the fist row. She was about faincen, with staight ash-biond hit of earlobe Tengih, ao exquisite forehead, and blasé eyes thot, T thought, might very possbly have counted the house. Fier voice was distinc separate from the other chil dren's voices, and not just because she was seated poarat me. Ie had the best upper register, the ‘Swectest-sounding, the surest, and ft automatically led the way. The young lady, howover, seemed slighty ‘bored sigh her own singing ability, or perhaps Just with the time and places wis, between verses, I saw her yawn. It was a Tndylke yawo, a closed-mouth yawn, or you coulda't miss ij her nostril wings gave her instant the hymn ended, the choir coach began to give her lgthy opiaion of people who can't keep tele feet stl and their ips sealed tight during the minister's sermon, 1 gathered thatthe singing part of the rehearsal was over, and before the coach's dix sonant speaking voige could entirely break dhe spell 1904 For Exmé—with Love and Squalor the cttdre’s singing had cast, I got up and Itt the church. was euining even harder. T walked down the steset and looked through the window of the Red Cross recreation room, But soldiers were standing (Wo od three deep at the cofee counter, and, even ‘hough the glass, I could hear ping-pong balls bounc. ing ia another room, 1 grossed the siret and entered a vilan tearoom, which was cuply except for a idle-aged waites, Who looked as if she would have prefered a customer with a dry raincoat, 1 used a Boat Wee as delicately as possible, and thea sat down. Sra table and ondeted tea and. cinnamon toast. It ‘wes the fist do all day that I'd spoken to anyone. Thea Tooked through all my pockets including my raincoat, and finally found a couple of stale letters fo rezead, one from my wife, telling me haw the $¥- ioe at Scheatl’s Eigty-eighh Steet had fallen of find one ftom my motheria-law, asking me to pleas find her some, shmere yam frst chance I got ‘vay from “camp.” While T was stl on my frst cup of tee the young tady Thad bese watching and listening a in he choir teome into the fesroom. Her haic was soaking wet, as fhe rims of both ears were showing. She was with & ‘ery stall boy, unmistakably her Brother, whose ep he semoved by lifting it off his hes with so fngets te it were a Laboratory specimen, Bringing up the ‘Rar was a effcient-looking woman in Timp felt hat ‘Sipresumably their governess. The choir member, take ig off hor coat as she walked actoss the oor, made {he table seection—a good ove, from my point of view, ts it was just eight orton feet directly ia front of me. ‘Sho and the governess sat down. The smll boy, who rd For Emmé—with Love ond Squalor was about five, wasn't ready to sit down yet, He sid ‘out of and disearded his weefer then, with the deade pan expression of a born heller, he methodically went shout annoying his governess by pushing in and pull ing out his chai several times, watching her face, The ‘governess, Keoping her voice down, gavo him to oF free orders (© sit-down and, in effet, stop the mon Joy business, but it was only’ whea his sister spoke to him that he came around and applied the small of his back to bis chal seat. He immediately picked up his ‘mapkia and put it on his head. His sister removed it, ‘opened iy nd spread it out on his lap. ‘About the time their tea was brought, the choit member caught me staring over at her party. She Stared back at mi, with those howse-counting eyes of ters, then, abruptly, gave me a. small, qualifed smile, IC as oddly raiant, 26 certain stall qualified Smiles somctines are. I smiled back, much less redi- anlly, Kesping my upper lip down over a coal-black G.L ‘temporary fling shoving bowen t6o of ayy front teeth. The next thing I kaw, dhe young lady was Standing, with enviable poise, Beside my tuble, She was wearing a tartan dress—o Compball tanta, I be Tieve, It seemed to mie #9 be a wonderful diets for & ‘ery young gil to be wearing on a rainy, rainy day. L thought Americans despised tea" she sid Je wasnt the observation of a smart aleck but chat ‘of a inuti-over or a satistcetover, I replied that tome of us never drank anything bur tea, T asked her she'd care to jin me, “Thank you," she said, “Perhaps for just a frace tion of € moment” 1 got up and drew a chair for her, the one oppo amo, and she sat dows on the forward quarter of it Keeping ber spine easily and beaiflly straight, 1 went ia For Esmé—with Love and Squalor teckatnosthurad ack—to my omnes, more SSeS to ld op my endo conversation, When POS Sed, Tous tik of anyhlng 19% Thoteh Tamed again, il Keping my coal bck lt emehateeoncedimen, Teak that Was co tay eee day ou a: ques sd my ge ia the clea, unmisale aio wis of a smalls dese. Ske phcd het ot on he able ee, ie socone a face, TRS? amon intandy, soe tor bans™or onl REE sien dove to the quik, She was wearing a rive, «eniayooking one tht ooked eer ToT Sigur choeogrph. Te fice was a 09 Se for her sender writ, "You were col Mee he id mae taal. “Ts you” Trand Tccclly bad oun, abd Dat I had bed tet vis Sagig separately from he bet 1 dT Aboupe shad 8 very ne oe. Sided.“ kta. Pa ging fo be psc sional gs” teal? Open “estes no. Tn ging 1 slog ct onthe io ol, tate heaps of money. Tht, whe tity, T Rau Tee aod ve on ach in Obi.” Sho touched elpof ber soaking head wih the dat of Be fend Do yeu know Ono?” ate sled Tid been trough Hon tho an 8 fw tines tu tht Tie rely Anow i Loved ber» pee tt lana toast ‘Notant your she si, “eat Uke a bic secu” Tit into 2 pice ef tut mysa, ad comment tan here soe mii ough county oud Oo ‘teow: Ar Amen T met tk mcs You's te cloth seve ve a" 1931 For Bumé—with Love and Squator Hor governess was now urgent sigulling ber 19 return 10 her owa tablo—ia effect, to stop bothering ‘he man. My gucst, however, calmly moved her chait a inch or tWo 30 that her Back broke all possible further communication with the home tabi, “You g0 {© that seeret Ineligence school on the il, doa't you?” she inguited cooly. ‘As securtyminded as the next one, T repli that 1 as visting Devonshire for my heath, “Realy.” she sid, “wasn't quite bom yestxday, you know." T said Fd bet she hada't been, a that deta my tea for a moment. T vas geting ile posture conscious and 1 sat up somewhat stsighter in my seat. “You seem quite ineligent for an Amerssa,” my est mused. 1 told er that was a preity snobbish thing 19 s3y, if you thought about ita all, and that T hoped I was unworthy of het ‘Sho blushedautomatially conferring on me the socisl poise Td been missing. “Well. Most of the ‘Americans I've soca act like animals, They're forever punching one another about, and insuling everyone, and—You know what one of tems did?” 1 shook my aad “One of them threw aa_enply whiskey botle through my auat’s window. Fortunately, the window was open. But docs that sound very iielliget 1 your” 1 ida’ especialy, but T idee say so, T sad chat ‘many seldiss, all oer the World, were long way from home, and that fow of them had had many real advantages ia Tie. T said Td thought that most people could figure that out for demscves. Toe For Eané—with Love and Squalor “Possibly,” said my guest, without conviction. She ‘ised her and to her wet head again, picked at a few limp flameats of blond hair, uying to cover hee exposed car rims, “My hair is soaking wet," she said “T'iook a fright” She looked ver at me, “L have quite wavy hait when e's dy.” “ean see that Jean see you have.” “Not actully curly, but quite wavy,” she sid. “Are you masta?” 1 said Twas ‘She nodded. “Are you very deeply in love with your ite? Or um I being too personal?” TL aaid that when sho was, Td speak up, She put her hands and wists farther forward on the table, and I remember wanting 10 do something tbout that enormourfaced wristwatch she was Wear ing—pethaps suggest that sho uy Wearing it around hor waist “Usually, Pm not tersbly gregarious," she sald, aud looked over at me 10 see if knew the meaning ofthe ord, I dida? give her a sign, though, one way or the ftber, “T purely came over because T thought you Tooke eniremely lonely. You have an extremely sensie tive face.” T said she wos right, that 1 had been feling lonely, and that Twas very glad she'd come ove “SP'i tetning myst to be more compassionate. My aunt says Fa terribly cold person,” she said and felt the top of her head again. “l live with my aunt She's an extremely Kind person. Since the deuh of iy mother, she done everything witia ber power ‘© Imake Chatics and me feel adjusted.” “to dial" “Mother was an extremely intelligent person. Quite seamuous, id many ways.” She Tooked at mie with a 1951 For Bsmé—with Love and Squalor kind of fresh acutsness. “Do you Gnd me teribly cold?” T told her absolutely not—wery much to the oon trary, in fact. told her my name and asked for hers, ‘She hesitated. "My first name ie Esmé. T don't think T shall you my full name, for the moment. 1 have a title and you may just be impressed by tikes, ‘Americans are, you know." suid I didat think T would be, but that it might bbe good idea, at thal, to hold on to the tile for a wile, Just then, 1 felt someone's warm breath on the back fof my neck. | turned arousd and just missed brushe ing noses with Esme's small brother. Ignoring me, he addressed his sister ia a petsing treble: "Miss Megley sid you must come and finish your ta!” His message delivered, he ceived to the chair between his sister and me, on my right. I rogarded him with high interest, He was looking very splendid in. brown Shetland shorts, a navy-blue jersey, white shir, and striped necktie, He gazed back at me with inmense green ‘eyes. “Why do people in fms kiss sideways?” he de= anded, “Sideways?” 1 said. It was a problem that had Baffled me in my childhood, [ssid L guessed it was be= cause actors’ noses are too big for isting anyone head on “Fly name is Chasos." Esmé sti, “He's extremely Diliane for his ago" ‘He certainly has green eyes, Havent you, Charles?” Charles gave me the fishy look my question de- served, then wriggled dowaward and forward ia his chair til all of his body was under the table except his head, which he left, wrestler's-bridge syle 08 the 1961 Por Esmi—vith Love nt Spur oie seat “Thee rang” be sid ia tind foie adeng the sis, He phe p a corner ihe ae and pot oot Br Bunce, ese peniefce, Sometimes e's rll and sometines e's" Bane sid "Char dost 3p ‘Cha syed ight whet Be Was, HE sowed to berhadng he brea He moe our ibe very ich He was se-ba ia Nowh Ataes™ Tenprsed ope 1 a in ouled,“Fahoradored bin.” She bit refs svt at th cue fhe mb, “He oo very much Te my molher Chas, I san. I ook ext Is my futher" Sho went ch. ig at her cate. "My thet au gui tpssnste woman She was a 2 trove Fatior nas an avers Thy wre git nel tote, hugh a superical way To be qu esa, Fact realy neded fore of a ielectl compan fon than Mober was, He war at exeely ed “ ‘waited, receptively, for further information, but none same, [Joe dou at Chas, who as 20 fling these of hi fac ont chair t, Whet he flv tha Twas loking a him, be lod Bi ee, ‘pty aula, tes stick ov Hs onpie—aa ap oogy of srl engihand give ot what in my ont would have bens glorious tibue 102 ‘Spopsbceall uni I ty shook the som, "Sop tat” Ennead chatywasakea. “e Se so Amszan do ina ivantships ques, and sow te dans h winaree he's bore. Jat stop m8, oF T'atl tnd you diely Yo Miss Meg.” ‘Chas opned enous eyes Ha that Bed Tr For Esmé—with Love and Squalor hoard is sster's threat, but otherwise didnt Wok espe- ally alerted. He closed his eyes again, and continued to rest the side of his face on the chair seat, 1 mentioned that maybe ho Ought to save ie—mean- ing the Broox chece—eil he started using his tile regularly. That J, iF he had a tie, too Esmé gave me a long, tainly clinical look, “You hhave a dry sense of humor, haven't you?” she said— ‘wistully. “Father said T have ‘no sense of honor at all. He said T was unequipped to meet lil because Thave no sense of humor” Watching hee, 1 lit a cigarette and said I did't Ahink w sense of humor was of any ase in areal pinch, rather said I was.” This was a statement of faith, not a contradiction, fand T quickly switched horses, T'nodded und said her father bad probably taken the long views while 1 was taking the short (whatever that meant) “Charles misses him exceedingly,” Esme stid, after 48 moment. “He wasn exocedingly lovable man. He ‘was exisemely handsome, to. Not that one's appear- noe matters greatly, but he was, He had terribly pene- ating eyes, for aman who Was intansiealy Kind.” nodded. 1 sahl I imagined her father bad ad ‘quite an exusordinary vocabulary “Oh, yes; quit," sid Esmé. “He was an archivist —amaieie, of aurse.” AL that'poing, [felt an inportunate tap, almost a pponch, on my upper arm, from Cheese’ disection, 1 fumed to him. He Was sitting in furl aoemal position i his chair now, except that he had one kace tucked "under him, “What did ono wall say tothe oer wall?” he asked shelly. Ie. ride” T rolled my eyes rellctively cellingwand and re- 198) For Eaié—with Love and Squalor peated the quo aloud. Then 1 looked t Chases fin a stumped exposson sad ai 1 gave up. Sect yoo at the come” came th punch tne, ep wtime vont over biggest with Chases him Te stack him on wibearbly toy, Ta fact, Esmé ha to ome ound and pound ham ta the back, i esting bi {bra couhng spell "Now, slop Sah” sh sid Sho teat back to Het own fat “Ho tls that sme ede Ib evenene be meets and bas 2 St ewe) single ine Uanaty he drools when be laughs. Nowy as sop tease” » “[t's one of the best riddles I've heard, though,” 1 suid watching Chare, who was Yer} raul com fig out efi in respose to ths compliment, he sak Considerably Hower ti chaie and again masked his face up tothe yes Wid 4 comer of the tablet. THe uhm fokod at me with Bis exposed ees, whch ov fll of sowly subsiding mirth and the pide of Someone ho knows relly good idle ort, May T inwuite how you were employed before exe tsing the Army?” Es sued me, Tan tt been enployl ot all thet Ponty boca out of collge nyoar but that 1 ke 10 tak of ol as 2 prostonalshor-sony wet She nodded pot. Pubs?” se asked. Te wus falar it always touchy question, and ons Gat I did't answer just on, 00, tes started opin how mou editors in Amoion were 8 fost Shy tater wot bentiul” Em ierupted. stm svinga number o is ters for poste” Tait that sounded lke # very 0d Wea, T hap- pened to by Joking at her enormousaced chon v1 Fer Esmé-—with Love and Squalor rephicJooking wristwatch again, 1 asked if i had be- Tonge to her father ‘She looked down at her wrist solemnly. "Yes, it di” se said. “He gave it to me just before Charles and ‘were evacuated.” Seliconsciousy, she took ber hands Df the table, saying, “Purely as a momento, of course.” She guided the conversation in a diferent direction, Td be extemely fatered if you'd write a story ex clisively for me sometime. Ym an avid reader.” T told hee Testsinly would, fT could. I sad that wasn't tniby prolific. “Tt doosat have to be terribly prolife! Just so that it fant childish and ily.” She selected. “I prefer ‘tories about squalor.” “about what?” T'sai leaning forward. ‘Squalor. Pm extremely interested in squalor.” T vias about to pres her for more deals, but 1 eit ‘Charles pinching me, hare, on my ar, Ltrned to him, vwincing sighly. He was standing sight next to me “wat did one wall say to the other wall” he asked, ot untamiianly ‘You asked bias that,” Esmé said. “Now, stop ic" Ignoring his sister, aod siepping up on one af my fet, Charles repeated the Key question, T noted that his mecktle kaot wasn't adjusted properly. T slid it up {nto place, then, looking him staight ia the eye, sug ‘gested, "Mecicha at the comer?” ‘The instant Td said iy T wished T hadn't Chars? mouth fell open. I felt a6 if Vd stuck it open. He Stepped down off my foot ang, with white-hot dignity, ‘Walked over {0 bis owa tbe, without fooking back. “He's furious" Esmé said, “He has a violent temper. My mother had a propensity to spoil him. My father was the only one who dida't spoil him.” {1001 For Eomé—wlth Love and Squalor T Kept looking over at Charles, who had sat down and started © diink his ta, using both hands on the cup. hoped be'd turn around, but be did't Esmé stood up. “Il faut que je parte aussi,” she ss, with a sigh, “Do you know French?” got up from my own ebaiz, with mixed felings ‘of regret and confusion, Esms and T shook hands; her handy as Td suspocied, was a nervous hand, damp at the pul. [told her, in English, how very much Pd en- jaye her company. ‘She nodded “I thought you might" she sad. “Tm quite commusicative for my age.” She gave hee hair ‘nother experimental touch, “Tim dreadflly somry About my bait” she said, “ve probably been hideous 1 ook at” Not at alll Asa matter of fact, I think ot of the wave is coming back already.” ‘She quickly touched her hal again. “Do you chink ‘yu'l be coming here again in the immediate futace?™ fhe asked, “We come here every Saturday, after choir practice” T answered that Td Hike nothing better but. hat, unfortunatly, I was prety sure T woulda’t be able 20 sake it agaia, “In other words, you can’t discuss troop mover ments" said Esmé. She mide no move to leave the visiity of the table. In fct, she crossed one foot over the other and, looking dow, aligned the toes of her thoes, It was a prelly litle execution, for she was ‘wearing, while socks and ber ankles and fect were Tovely. She fooked up at me abrupdly. “Would you like ime to write € you?” she asked, witha certuin amonnt fof color in her face. *T write extremely articulate let- tere for a porson my” (101g For Bsmé—with Love and Squator "4 love i.” I took out pencil and paper and wrote own my name, rank, serial number, aud A.P.O. num. ber “E shall write to you fst” she ssid, accepting it “so that you doa't feel compromised ia tny way.” She put the address into a pocket of her dress. “Good bye,” she said, and walked back to er table, T ordered another pot of 28 and sat watching the two of them til they, and the harassed Miss Megley, 04 up to leave, Charis Jed the way ott, limping trae fealy, ke & olan with one leg several inches shorter tun the other. He didn't Jook over at me. Miss Megley went next, then Esmé, who waved (0 me. T waved back, half getting vp from any chaic, Ie was a strangely emotional moment for wie, [Less than 2 minute later, Esmé came back into the tearoom, dragging Charles behind bee by the sleve of his refer, “Charles would like to ist you goodbye,” sho said T immediately put down my cup, and stid thee was very nice, but was she sure? Yess" she sid, 2 trie guimly, She It go Charles? sleeve aod gave him rather vigorous push in my ai rection, He came forward, his face livid, and gave me 4 Tovd, wt smacker just below the right ear. Follow ing this ordeal, he started to make beeline for the ‘door anda less sentimental way af fe, but Leaught the half belt at the back of bis refer, held on to it, and. asked him, “What did one wall say tothe other wall?” His fave lit up. "Meet you at the corner!” he Shricked, and raced out of the room, possibly in hyse Exmé was standing with crossed ankles again, "You're quite suce you won't forget to write that sory [02 For Exmé—with Love and Squolor for me?” she asked. “Kt dovaut have to be exclusively for ms, can" Tsai there was absolutely no chance that Fa for- get. [told her that I never writen a story for any body, but that it seemed lke exuctly the right time to set down to it She nodded. “Make t extremely squalid and moving, sho suggested, “Are you at all acquainted with squalor?” said not exactly but that I was geting beter acquainted with it, i one form or another, all the time, and that Td do my bost to come up to ber speciiatios. We shook hands ‘Tont it a pity that we dida’t meet under less ex tenuatiag creumstances?” TLsid it ws, I sid it certainly was Goodbye,” Esmé said, “T hope you return from the var with all your faculties intact” T thanked her, and suid few other words, and them waiched her leave the tearoom. She left it dowly, Aectively, testing the ends of her hai for dryness. This isthe squalid, o moving, part ofthe story, and the scene changes. The people ciange, (00. Pm still round, but fiom here on is, for reasons T's not at libety to disclow, Ive disguised myself so cunninely that even the cleverest reader will fil 10 rocogaize It was about tenthinty at night fo Gaufurt, Ba- vara, several weeks after V-E Day. Stall Sergeant X yas in his room on the second floor of the civilian home in which he and nine other American soles had boon quartered, even before the armistee, He ‘was seated on a folding Wooden chair at a smal, assy-looking witing table, with a paperback overseas (103) For Esné—with Love and Squalor rovel open before him, which he wae having great ‘wouble reading, The touble lay with bm, not the novel “Although the men who lived oa the frst oor usually hha frst grab atthe books seat each moath by Special Services, X usually seemed t0 be left with the book he might have selected himself, But be was a young man Who had not come through the war with all is facul- ties intact, and for more than an Aour he hud been ‘wiple-eading paragraphs, aad now he Was doing i 10 fhe sentences. He suddenly closed the book, without ‘marking his place, With bis hand, he shielded his eyes for & moment against the harsh, watty glare fiom the naked bulb over the table, He took a cigarette from a pack on the table and Ut it with fingers that bumped. sendy and incessantly Against one another. He sat back «tie in his chair and smoked without any sens of tate, He had been chine Smoking for weeks. His gums bled at the slightest Dressure of the tip of his tongue, and he seldom topped experimenting; it was a lite game he played, sometimes by the bout. He sat for a moment smoking tnd experimenting. Thea, abavply,fanlisly, and, 38 ‘sual, with no waraing, he thowght he felt his nd die lodge isif and teeter, like insecure gage on an ov Dead rack. He quickly did what he had been doiag for Weoks 10 set things right: he pressed his hands hard ‘gaint his temples. He held on tight for a momeat, His hair needed cutting, and it was dirty, He had washed it thece of four times during histo weeks” stay atthe hospital in Frankfort on the Main, but it hod got disty again on the tong, dusty jeep ride. back to Gaufure. Corporal Z, who asd called for him at the hospital, sill drove’ a jeep combatstyc, wilh the windshisll down on the hood, armistice of no axmis. tice. There were thousands of new tops in Gemany. (1084 For Euné—with Love and Sauslor By deving with his windshield down, combat syle, Corporal Z hoped to show that he was not one of them, that not by 2 long shot was he some new son of ‘bitch inthe E-T.0, When he let go of his head X began t0 stare at the surtase of the waiting table, which was 2 catchall for at least two dozen unopened letters and at least five or six unopencd packages, all addressed to bim. He reached behind the debris and picked out a bok that stood against the wall. 1€ Was a book by Goebbels, entitled "Die Zeit Ohne Beipic” It bo- longed 10 the thiny-cightyear-old, unmarried daugh- ter of the family that, up to 2 few weoks cali, had oem living inthe house. She had been a ls oficial in the Nazi Pasty, but high enough, by Army Regulations Mandards, to Tall oan automatiarrest category. X himself had arrested her. Now, for the think tine since he had returned from the hospital that day, he ‘opened the woman's book and read the brit inser tion on the fyleat. Writen ia ink, in German, in @ small, hopelessly sincere handwriting, wero the words "Dear God, Ife is hell” Nothing led up 10 or avay fiom it Alone ou the page, and in the sickly sles ‘of the room, the words appeared to have tho staure fof an uncoatestable, even clase indictment. X stared tthe page for several minutes, trying, against heavy ‘odds, aot to be taken in, The, with far more zeal than’ he had done anything in weeks, he picked up 4 pencil sub and wrote down under the inserpton, ia English, “Fathers and teachers, I ponder ‘What is hell?” T maintain that itis the suffering of being un- able to love." He started to write Dosioswsk's name Under the inscription, but saw-—with fright that ran shrough his whole body—that what he bad writen was linostenielyiegible. He shut the book. 11054 For Eumé—with Love and Squator He quickly picked wp something else from the lable, eter from his older brother in Albany, It hud been on his table even before he had checked into the bospital. He opened the envelope, loosely 1e= solved 10 read the Ieter atraight through, bat read ‘only the top half ofthe fist page. He stopped after the ‘words “Now thatthe gd. war is over and you probably have s lot of time over there, how about sending the kids « couple of bayonets or swastikas . 2” After he'd torn it up, be looked down at the picecs as they Jay in dhe wastebasket, He saw that he had overlooked fn enclosed suapshot. He could make out somebody's fet standing en a lawn somewhere, He put his ans on the table and restd his head on them. He ached from head to foot, all zones of pain seemingly interdependent. He was rather like a Christ ‘mas tre whose Uphts, wired i series, must all go out i ceven one bulb is defesive, Tae dooe banged opse, without having been rapped a, X raised his head, timed and ste Corporal Z sanding in the door. Corporal Z had been Xe ep Parla and cowstastcompeaion from D Day stu through fie campaigns ofthe wer, He ved o he st Aloo an he wsualy came op see X when ho had fo ramon or ripe load. He was he polo en og ma no Doig he ma ‘mapaine had. phtoprpbed hin in Hirgen Forest_be fad poted, more than jut obliging, th « Thanksgiving turkey in each hind. “Ya wet eer?” he ankod . "Ws spooky in het, for Chi sake." Ho peeled aivays ene a toum iat bd io overhead eh on YX turned oi ja Bis chuir and asked bia. co 11061 | For Exmé—with Love and Squalor come in, and to be exreful not w sep on the dog. “The what?” “Alvin, He's right under your fet, Clay. How "bout ‘tuming on the goddam lighi?” (Clay found the overheed-Lght switch, flicked it on, then stepped across the puny, servant's room and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing his hos. His bricked hair, just combed, was dripping with the smount of wate he required for saistactry grooming. ‘A comb with a founzait-pen clip protruded, familia, from the right-hand pocket of his olive-drab shit. ‘Over the lefttand pocket he was wearing the Com bat Inantrymen's Badge (which, technically, he wasnt auhorizad to wear), the European Theatre ribbon, with ve brome battle stars init (instead of a lone Slver one, which was the equivalent of five bronze ‘onie), and tho pre-Poarl Hatbor sorvice ibboa. He fighed heavily and said, “Chris almighty." 1t meant pothing; it was Any. He tok a pack of cigarettes rom his shire pocket, tappod ono out, then put awey the pack and rebutioned the pocket flgp. Smoking, he Jooked vacvously around the room. His look finally set- ted on the radio. “Hey,” he said. “Tacy got this ter rile show comia’ oa the radio ia a coupla minutes, ‘Bob Hope, and everybody.” X, opening a fresh pack of cigurtcs, suid he bad jst tuned the radio oft ‘Undarkcned, Clay watched X trying to get a cise arate lit. “Jess,” ho said, wih spectator’ enthusiasm, you oughta see your goddam hands. Boy, have you got the shakes. Ya know that?” XX got his eigaete lit, modded, and ssid Clay had a sel eye for decal “No Kidding, hey. 1 goddam near fainted when T 07) For Boné-—with Love and Squalor save yOu at the hospital, You looked like goddam corpse. ‘How souch weight ya lose? How many pounds? Ya kaow?” "don't know. How was your mail whea I was gous? ‘You heaed from Leta ‘Loretta was Clays gil, They latended to got mar ried at their earliest convenience. She wrote to him Iiny regularly, from a paradise of triple exclamation points and inaccurate observations. All through the ‘war Clay had read all Loreta’s laters aloud to X, however intimate they were—in fet, the more itt imate, the betir. It as bis exstom, after each read ing, to ask X to plot out or pad out the leter of reply, orto inert few impressive words ia French of Ger= “Yealh, I had a letter from her yesterday. Down la ‘my room. Show it 1 ya lator," Clay said Helly. He ‘sal up straight on the edge of the bed, held his breath, and issued a long, resonant belch. Looking just sem Pleased with the achievement, bo relaxed ann, “Her ‘goddam brothers gen’ outa the Navy om aocount of lis hip,” he st, "He's got this hip, the bastard.” He sit up again and teed for another belch, but wits bee low-par results. A jt of alertness came into his face, “Wey. Betore I forget, We gotta git up at five tomorrow and drive to Hamburg or someplace. Pick up Eisenhower jackets for the whole detschment.” %, regarding him hostlely, stated that he did't ‘want an Elsenhowor jacket. Chay looked surprised, almost a tte hut, “Ob, they're good! They look good. How cone?” “No reason, Why do we have to get up at five? ‘The war's over, for God's sake.” “T don't know—Wve gotta get back before lunch, ‘Whey got some now forms in We gota Ail out before 1108 1 | | 1 For Esmé—wlth Love and Squalor lunch... . asked Bulling how come we coulda’ til “em out tonight—he's gor the goddam forms right on his desk. He don't want to open the envelopes yet, the son ofa bith.” "The two sat quict for a moment, hating Bulling- Cay suddenly looked at X with gew—higher—in- teceat than before, “Hey.” ho said, “Did you know the goddam side of your face & jumping all over the 1X said he knew all abovt it and covered his te with hig hand. ‘Chay stared at him for a moment, then said, rather vividly, as if he were the bearer of exceptionally good “

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