My mother teI1s me Beto's home, waits for me to

say something, but I keep watching the TV. Only when

she's in bed do I put on my jacket and swing through
the neighborhood to see. He's apatonow but two years
ago we were friends and he would walk into the apart-
ment without knocking, his heavy voice rousing my
mother from the Spanish of her room and drawing me
up from the basement, a voice that crackled and made
you think of uncles or grandfathers.
'We
were raging then, crazy the way we stole, broke
windows, the way we pissed on people's steps and then
challenged them to come out and stop us. Beto was
leaving for college at the end of the summer and was
delirious from the thought of it-he hated everything
about the neighborhood, the break-apart buildings, the
little strips of grass, the piles of garbage around the
cans, and the dump, especially the dump.
I don't know how you can do it, he said to me. I
would just find me a job anywhere and go.

Drown 91
I

92 DNOWN

Yc:rh, I said. I wasn't like him. I had another year to fence.Somethingtellsmethathewillbehere;Ihopthe

I sprawl on the dandelions
go irr high school, no promises elsewhere. fence, feeling stupid when
Days we spent in the mall or out in the parking lot and the grass.
playing stickball, but nights were what we waited for. Nice one, somebodY calls out'
motherfucker in
'fhe heat in the apartments was like something heavy Fuck me, I say' I'm not the oldest
off my shirt and my shoes
that had come inside to die. Families arranged on their the place, brt it', .lose' I take
younger
porches, the glow from their TVs washing blue against ,.rith., knife in' Many of the kids here arewith' Two
to go to school
the brick. From my family apartment you could smell brothers of the people I used
and they pause
the pear trees that had been planted years ago, four to of them swim nrti black and Latino,
the guy who sells them
a court, probably to save us all from asphyxiation. when they see me, recogntzing
have their own man'
Nothing moved fast, even the daylight was slow to their shitty dope' The crackheads
who drives in from Pater-
fade, but as soon as night seffled Beto and I headed Lucero, and some other guy
in the atea'
down to the community center and sprang the fence son, the only full-time commuter
at the deep end I glide
into the pool. \(/e were never alone, every kid with legs The water feels good' Starting
over the slick-tiled bottom
without kicking up a sPume
was there. We lunged from the boards and swam out svrimmer
of the deep end, wrestling and farting around. At or making a splash' Sometimes another than a
of water
churns past me, more a disturbance
around midnight abuelas, with their night hair swirled
coming uP' Vhile every-"it'
$t a'
around spiky rollers, shouted at us from their apart- body. I can still go far without
everything below is
ment windows. lSinvergiienzas! Go home! thing above i, io'd and bright'
of coming up to find the
I pass his apartment but the windows are dark; I put whispers. And always the risk
out across the water'
my ear to the busted-up door and hear only the famil- cops stabbing their searchlights
feet slapping against
iar hum of the air conditioner. I haven't decided yet if And then everyone running' wet
officers' you Puto su-
I'll talk to him. I can go back to my dinner and two the concrete, yelling, Fuck You'
years will become three. cios, fuck You'
the shallow end'
Even from four blocks off I can hear the racket from \[hen I'm tired I wade through to
his girlfriend' watching
the pool-radios too-and wonder if we were ever that past some kid who's kissing
to cut in' and I sit near
loud. Little has changed, not the stink of chlorine, not me as though I'm going to try
the day' No Horse-
the bottles exploding against the lifeguard station. I the sign that runs the pool during
No
No Defecating' No [Jrinating'
hook my fingers through the plastic-coated hurricane Ploy, No Running,

Erorvn 91
 I

94 DROi/N

sofa and we watch television together. \(e settle

Expectorating. Atthe bottom someone has scrawled in on the

No Whites, l/o Fat Cbiks and someone else has pro- Spanish-language news: drama for her, violence
for me'
vided the missing c. I laugh. Beto hadn't known what Today a child has survived a seven-stoty fall, busting
expectorating meant though he was the one leaving for nothing but his diaper. The hysterical baby-sitter,
the
college. I told him, spitting a greener by the side of the about three hundred pounds of her, is head-butting
pool. microphone.
Shit, he said. Vhere did you learn that? It's a goddamn miraclevilla, she cries'
I shrugged. My mother asks me if I found Beto. I tell her that I
Tell me. He hated when I knew something he didn't. didn't look.
He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me That's too bad. He was telling me that he might be
I twN under. He was wearing a cross and cutoff jeans. He was starting at a school for business'
stronger than me and held me down until water flooded So what?
my nose and throat. Even then I didn't tell him; he She's never understood why we don't speak any- i

thought I didn't read, not even dictionaries. more. I've tried to explain, all wise-like, that every-
thing changes, but she thinks that sort of saying is only
IVe live alone. My mother has enough for the rent and around so you can Prove it wrong'
groceries and I cover the phone bill, sometimes the He asked me what You were doing'
cable. She's so quiet that most of the time I'm startled \7hat did you saY?
co find her in the apartment. I'll enter a room and she'll I told him you were fine'
;tir, detaching herself from the cracking plaster walls, You should have told him I moved'
from the stained cabinets, and fright will pass through And what if he ran into You ?
me like a wire. She has discovered the secret to silence: I'm not allowed to visit mY mother?
pouring caf6 without a splash, walking between rooms She notices the tightening of my arms' You should
as if gliding on a cushion of felt, crying without a sound. be more like me and Your father'
You have traveled to the East and learned many secret Can't you see I'm watching television?
things, I've told her. You're like a shadow warrior. I was angry at him, wasn't I? But now we can talk
And you're like a crazy,she says. Like a big crazy. to each other.
\flhen I come in she's still awake, her hands picking Am I watching television here or what?
clots of lint from her skirt. I put a towel down on the

Drown 95
96 EROWN

for my new clothes

Saturdays she asks me to take her to the mall. As a son dollars at the end of each spmmer
a week to spend it, even
I fccl I owe her that much, even though neither of us and she would take nearly
than a couple of t-
has a car and we have to walk two miles through red- though it never amounted to more
She folds the bills into a
ncck territory to catch the M15. shirts and two pairs of ieans'
she says'
Before we head out she drags us through the apart- square. I'11 see you at three'
in sight of the
ment to make sure the windows are locked. She can't I wander through the stores' staying
reason to follow me' The
reach the latches so she has me test them. With the air cashiers so they won't have
since my looting days.
conditioner on we never open windows but I go circuit I make has not changed
shop' Macy's' Me
through the routine anyway. Putting my hand on the Bookstore, record store, comic-book
mad from these places' two'
latch is not enough-she wants to hear it rattle. This and Beto used to steal like
three hundred dollars of shit
in an outing' Our system
place just isn't safe, she tells me. Lorena got lazy and
look what they did to her. They punched her and kept wassimple-wewalkedintoaStorewithashopping
Back then security wasn't
her locked ,p in her place. Those morenos ate all her bag and came out loaded'
'

exit' \fle stopped right

food and even made phone calls. Phone calls! tight. The only trick was in the
checked out some
That's *hy we don't have long-distance, I tell her at the entrance of the store and )
of junk to stoP people from. getting
but she shakes her head. That's not funnI, she says. worthless piece
we asked each other'
She doesn't go out much, so when she does it's a big suspicious. \flhat do you think?
deal. She dresses up, even puts on makeup. Vhich is why \Wouldshelikeit?Bothofushadseenbadshoplifters
smooth about them'
I don't give hen lip about taking her to the mall even atwork. All grab and run' nothing
slow' like a fat sev-
though I usually make a fortune on Saturdays, selling to Not us. \fle idled out of the stores
the best' He even talked to
those kids going down to Belmar or out to Spruce Run. enties car. At this, Beto was
I recognizelike half the kids on the bus. I keep my mallsecurity,askedthemfordirections'hisbagall
head buried in my cap, praying that nobody tries to loadedup,andme,standingtenfeetaway'shittingmy
swinging his shop-
score. She watches the traffic, her hands somewhere pants. \flhen he finished he smiled'
inside her purse, doesn't say a word. ping bag uP to hit me'
I told him' I'm
\[hen we arrive at the mall I give her fifty dollars. You got to stoP that messing around'
that'
Buy something, I say, hating the image I have of her, not going to iail for bullshit like
They iust turn
picking through the sale bins, wrinkling everything. You don', go to lail for shoplifting'
Back in the day, my father would give her a hundred you over to Your old man'

Erorvn 97
11 I DROWN
a plainclothes warttng
I don't know about Iou, but my pops hits like a roo scared to take it, imagining
that when the rent-a-
motherfucker. ,o .frn the cuffs on' I remember said'
against the fender and
He laughed. You know my dad. He flexed his hands. cop taPPed his nightstick
ot't ht" real slow' I started
The nigger's got arthritis. You little shits b;;t' come
his face stretched out and
My mother never suspected, even when my clothes to cry. Beto did";;;y aword'
mine' the bones in our fingers
couldn't all fit in my closet, but my father wasn't that gra!this hand squeezing

easy. He knew what things cost and knew that I didn't pressing together'

have a regular job. Danny' The Malibou Bar

Nights I drink with Alex and
You're going to get caught, he told me one day. Just andthe sucias we can con into
is no good, iust washouts
you wait. 'When you do I'll show them everything roar at each other and
joining us. 'We drink too much )
you've taken and then they'll throw your stupid ass move closer to the phone'
away like a bad piece of meat.
make the skinny bartender
dartboard and a Brunswick
On the *rff f""gs a cork
He was a charmer, ffiy pop, arealasshole, but he was its bumpers
right. Nobody can stay smooth forever, especially kids Gold Crown b"locks the bathroom'
like old skin'
squashed, the felt pulled
like us. One day at the bookstore, we didn't even hide shake back and forth
like a
When tht b" btgi" to
the drops. Four issues of the same Playboy for kicks, go home' through the
fields
enough audio books to start our own library. No last rumba, I call i" "igi' and
In the distance you can
minute juke either. The lady who stepped in front of that surround the apartments'
as an earthworm' the
same
see the Raritan, as shiny
us didn't look old, even with her white hair. Her silk school on' The dump has
shirt was half unbuttoned and a silver horn necklace sat river my homeboy goes to it like
grass has spread over
on the freckled top of her chest. I'm sorry fellows, but
long since shut dow"' "'d
where I stand' my right
hand
a sickly f',tzz',and from
I your bag, she said. I kept moving, and
have to check of piss downward' the
looked back all annoyed, like she was asking us for a directing a colorless stream and
a blond head' square
quarter or something. Beto got polite and stopped. No landfill might be the top of
old.
problem, he said, slamming the heavy bag into her face. is already up'
In the mornings I run' My
mother
She hit the cold tile with a squawk, her palms slapping She says nothing to
the ground. There you go, Beto said. dressing for her hl''"ttl"aning iob'
me, would rather point
to the mangri she has prepared
Security found us across from the bus stop, under a
than sPeak.
J..p Cherokee. A bus had come and gone, both of us
Dron'n 99
 I

100 DROWI{

I run three miles eas,y, courd

have pushed a fourth
if I were in the mood. I keep girls sucking dick. He'll only have to smile and name
an eyeout for the recruiter
who prowls around our rr.ighborhood the places and I'll listen.
in his dark K_ When I reach the apartment, I lean against my door,
car' s/e've spoken before.
He was out of uniform and
called me over, jovial, and waiting for my heart to slow, for the pain to lose its
I thought I was helping some
white dude with directions. edge. I hear my mother's voice, a whisper from the
\[ourd you mind if I asked
you a question? kitchen. She sounds hurt or nervous, maybe both. At
No. first I'm terrified that Beto's inside with her but then I
Do you have a job? look and see the phone cord, swinging lazily. She's
Not righr now. talking to my father, something she knows I disap-
Vould you like one? A real career, prove of. He's in Florida now, a sad guy who calls her
more than you,ll
get around here? and begs for money. He swears that if she moves down

I remember srepping back. Depends there he'll leave the woman he's living with. These are
on whar it is, I lies, I've told her, but she still calls him. His words coil
said.
Son, I know somebody inside of her, wrecking her sleep for days. She opens the
who,s hiring. ft,s the United
States government. refrigerator door slightly so that the whir of the com-
Well. Sorry, but I ain,tArmy pressor masks their conversation. I walk in on her and
material.
That's exactly what I used hang up the phone. That's enough, I say.
to think, he said, his ten
piggy fingers buried in his She's startled, her hand squeezing the loose folds of
carpeted steering wheer. But
nowlhaveal her neck. That was him, she says quietly.

one?
L oy atty.c r,
;::,','; ;:tr ;ffi"j,ilffi ilr#: On school days Beto and I chilled at the stop together
Ffe's a southerner, red_haired, but as soon as that bus came over the Parkwood hill I
his drawl so out of
place that the people around got to thinking about how I was failing gym and screw-
here laugh just h.rrirrg
him' I take to the b.rrh., when ing up math and how I hated every single living teacher
I see his car on the road.
These days my gurs feel loose on the planet.
and cord and I wanr ro
be away from here. He I'll see you in the p.m., I said.
won,t have to show me his
Desert Eagle or flash the He was already standing on line. I just stood back
photos of the skinny F,ipino and grinned, my hands in my pockets. With our bus

Drown 101
 I

IO2 DROWN

keep us
drivers you didn't have to hide. Two of them didn't give ever dance with us, but a glance or a touch can
arat.fuckand the third one, the Brazllianpreacher, was talking shit for hours'
too busy talking Bible to norice anyrhing but the traf- Once the clubs close we go
to the Franklin Diner'
and then' aft'er we've
fic in front of him. gorge ourselves on Pancakes'
Danny passes out in the
Being truant without a car was no easy job but I smoked our pack, ht'd home'
window down to keep
managed. I watched a lot of TV and when it got bor- back seat and Alex cranks the
asleep in the past'
ing I trooped down to the mall or the Sayreville library, the wind in his eyes' He's fallen
one' The streets have been
where you could watch old documentaries for free. I wrecked two cars before this
and we blow
always came back to the neighborhood lare, so the bus picked clean of students and townies
At the OId Bridge
wouldn't pass me on Ernston and nobody could yell through every light, red or green'
which never seems to
Asshole! out the windows. Bero would usually be Turnpike we pass the fag bar'
home or down by the swings, but other times he c10se. patos are all .ver
the parking lot, drinking and
wouldn't be around at all. Out visiting other neigh- talking.
borhoods. He knew a lot of folks I didn't-a messed- Sometimes Alex will stop by the side of the road
somebody comes over from
up black kid from Madison Park, two brothers who and say, Excuse me' \flhen
were into that N.Y. club scene, who spent money on thebarhe'llpointhisplasticpistolatthem'justtosee
Tonight he just puts his
platform shoes and leather backpacks. I'd leave a mes- if they'll run or shit their Pants'
sage with his parents and then watch some more TV. head out the window' Fuck
you! he shouts and then
The next day he'd be out at the bus stop, roo busy settles back in his seat' laughing'
smoking a cigarette to say much about the day before. That's original, I saY'
agarn' Eat me'
You need to learn how to walk the world, he told He puts his head out the window
me. There's a lot out there. then!
the back' Eat me'
Yeah, Danny mumbles from
Some nights me and the boys drive to New Brunswick.
A nice city, the Raritan low and silty that you don'r
so Twice. That's it'
of that summer' We had
have to beJesus to walk over it. We hit the Melody and The first time was at the end
from the pool and were watching Porn
a
the Roxy, stare at the college girls. \We drink a lot and iust come back
His father was a nut for
then spin out onto the dance floor. None of the chicas video at his parents' aPartment'

Erolln LOl
IO4 DROWIq

flabby under the water'

Hey' he said' I was beginning
these tapes, ordering them from wholesalers in Cali-
fornia and Grand Rapids. Beto used to tell me how his to worry about You'
Nothing to worrY about'
I said'
pop would watch them in the middle of the day, not
much and later we watched
we swam rt'alia"'t talk
\

caring a lick about his moms, who spent the time in the
tof f'o"t a girl stupid
I

kitchen, taking hours to cook a pot of rice and gan- a Skytop crew pull a bikini
it' she said' covering
enough ,o h"'g out alone'
dules. Beto would sit down with his pop and neither of "i"t holding it "n o":j',ntt
herself, b.rt tht" kids
howled' I

them would say a word, except to laugh when some- When

head, the shiny laces
flopping just out of reach' \

body caught it in the eye or the face. leav-

arms' she walked away'
\7e were an hour into the new movie, some vaina they began to pluck at her
over their flat pecs'
that looked like it had been filmed in the apartment next ing them to try the top on
ffiY pulse a code
door, when he reached into my shorts. Vhat the fuck He put his hand o" *y shoulder'
he said' Unless of course
are you doing? I asked, but he didn't stop. His hand was under his palm' Let's go'
dry. I kept my eyes on the television) too scared to you're not feeling good'
watch. I came right away,smearing the plastic sofa cov- I'm feeling fine' I said'
nights we Pretry much
ers. My legs started shaking and suddenly I wanted Since his parents worked
the next morning' \[e sat
in
out. He didn't say anything to me as I left, just sat there owned the place until six
towels' his hands bracing
watching the screen. front of his television' in our want'
thighs' I'11 stop if you
The next day he called and when I heard his voice I ,grirrr, my abdomen and
After I was done' he laid
he said and I didn't respond'
i

asleep or awake' but:':glt

was cool but I wouldn't go to the mall or anywhere else.
My mother sensed that something was wrong and his head i" *;1;' I *""'' i

back and forth

somewhere in bt'""t"'
l
rocked
pestered me about it, but I told her to leave me the fuck 'lo*lyshore' rolling
against the
the way surf holds iunk 'it i

alone, and my pops, who was home on a visit, stirred

In three weeks he was leaving' Nobody
himself from the couch to slap me down. Mostly I over and over' school
saying' We'd visited the
stayed in the basement, terrified that I would end up can touch me, he kept the
the campus was' with all
abnormal, a fucking pato, but he was my best friend and and I'd r"tt' ho"' beautiful
of how
students dri{ting from
dorm to class' I thought
back then that mattered to me more than anything.
loved to crowd us into their
This alone got me out of the apartment and over to the in high r.f'ool ol"
""hersshuttle took off from Florida'
pool that night. He was already there, his body pale and Iounge ."', time a sPace

Drou'n 105
 I

106 DROWr

one teacher, whose family had two grammar schoors two blue t-shirts. They were two for one so I bought
named afrcr it, compared us to the shuttres. A you one. Try it on.
few of
you are going to make it. Those are the orbiters. But the It fits tight but I don't mind' She cranks up the tele-
majority of you are just going to burn our. Going one that
vision. A movie dubbed into Spanish, a classic,
,

nowhere. He dropped his hand onro his desk. around,

I courd everyone knows. The actors throw themselves
already see myself losing altitude, fading, the
earth prrriorrte, but their words are plain and delib:til:
Y
spread out benearh me, hard and bright.
It's hard to imagine anybody going through lil
I had my eyes closed and the television was on way. I pull out the plug of bills from my pockets'
She i

creases' A
takes it from me, her fingers soothing the
and when the hallway door crashed open, he jumped
up and I nearly cur my dick off struggling with my manwhotreatshisplatalikethisdoesn,tdeserveto
shorts. It's just the neighbor, he said,laughing.
He was spend it, she saYS.
laughing, but I was saying, Fuck this, ard getting
my \7e watch the movie and the two hours together l

clothes on. Near the (4'; ''

makes us friendty. She puts her hand on mine' '
end of the film, just as o"' httots are about
to fall aPart, \'
'')
I believe I him in his father's borromed-out cadil-
see under a hail of bullets, she takes off her glasses and /
lac, heading towards the turnpike, but I can'tbe flicker- i
i i I
sure. kneads her temples, the light of the television
and
He's probably back in schoor arready. I deal crose
to ing across her i^"r. She watches another minute
home, trooping up and down the same dead-end her
street th., her chin lists to her chest. Almost immediately
where the kids drink and smoke. These punks joke eyelashes begin to tremble, a quiet semaphore'
She is
with me, pat me down for taps, sometimes too hard. dreaming, dreaming of Boca Raton, of strolling
under
Now that srip malls line Rou te 9, a rot of forks have theiacarandas with my father' You can't
be anywhere
part-time jobs; the kids stand around smoking said to me
in their forever, was what Beto used to say, what he
aprons, name tags dangling heavily from pockets. me a gt{t'' a
the day I went to see him off' He handed
\flhen I get hom€, ffiI sneakers are filthy so I take even
an book, and after he was gone I threw itaway'didn't
old toothbrush to their soles, scraping the crap into
the bother to oPen it and read what he'd written'
tub. My mother has thrown open the wirrJows I let her sleep until the end of the movie and when
I
and
wake her she shakes her head, grimacing' You
propped open rhe door. It,s cool enough, she better
explains.
her I will'
dinner-rice and beans, fried cheese, check those windows, she says' I promise
She has prepared
tosrones. Look whar I bought, she says, showing me

Drorvn I07