CONTENTS

Pelham Grenville Wodehouse: A Chronology Introduction T E P!A"#S T E T ING GOO% &O'NING( )I!! !EA,E IT TO PS&IT CO&E ON( .EE,ES Author#s Note to CO&E ON( .EE,ES

vii xi $ *+ $-+ /++ /+0

Pelham Grenville Wodehouse: A Chronology $0 Octo1er $22$ )orn at $ ,ale Place( E3som 'oad( Guild4ord( Surrey( third son o4 enry Ernest Wodehouse( a ong 5ong magistrate and Eleanor %eane Wodehouse6 e is called 7Plum# 1y 4amily and close 4riends6 Enters %ul9ich College( s3ecialising in Classics6 &em1er o4 the :irst ;I and :irst ;, teams6 Co<editor o4 The Alleynian, the school maga=ine6 :irst article( 7Some As3ects o4 Game Ca3taincy#( 3u1lished ?Public School Magazine@6 )egins 4ree<lance 9riting career6 !eaves %ul9ich6 Enough slacAing( must go to 9orA6 .oins the ong 5ong and Shanghai )anA as a clerA in their !ondon o44ice < his 4irst Bo16 Writes his 4irst D)y The WayD column in The Globe( 9hich he eventually edits6 !eaves the 1anA and Boins The Globe sta44 4ull< time6 An En4inished CollectionD 1egins historic C0<year association 9ith Punch6 The Pothunters 3u1lished( his 4irst o4 8* 1ooAs6 :irst tri3 to the Enited States6 &eets 1oxer 5id &cCoy( esta1lishes contacts 9ith ne9s3a3ermen and sees many )road9ay sho9s6 DPut &e In &y !ittle CellD( PlumDs 4irst lyric in O9en allDs musical( Sergeant Brue ?Strand Theatre( !ondon@6 It is also 3u1lished and recorded6 This musical is the 4irst o4 ++ in 9hich he 3artici3ated6 vii

/ &ay $28$288 :e1ruary $8>> .uly $8>> Se3tem1er $8>> $C August $8>$ 8 Se3tem1er $8>/ $* Se3tem1er $8>/ $2 Se3tem1er $8>/ $C A3ril $8>$> %ecem1er $8>-

A C 'ONO!OG" .uly $8>0 &arch $8>C &ay $8>8 /-6 August $8$$ 7The Wire<Pullers# 1egins a +0<year relationshi3 9ith The Strand Magazine6 )ecomes sta44 lyricist 4or Seymour icAs( meets and colla1orates 9ith .erome 5ern in The Beauty of Bath ?Ald9ych Theatre( !ondon@6 Second tri3 to the Enited States( this time selling t9o short stories to Cosmopolitan and Collier's ee!ly a4ter 9hich he resigns 4rom The Globe6 O3ening night o4 A Gentleman of "eisure( PlumDs 4irst o4 $2 3lays( 9hich is a dramati=ation o4 his novel 1y the same name ?The Playhouse( Ne9 "orA@6 The "ittle #ugget is PlumDs $*th 1ooA 1ut the 4irst 3u1lished 1y &ethuen ?!ondon@6 &eets Ethel 'o9ley the day a4ter he comes to Ne9 "orA City6 Acce3ts 3osition o4 %rama Critic 4or maga=ine( $anity %air ?Ne9 "orA@6 &arries Ethel 'o9ley in the !ittle Church Around( the Corner ?&adison Avenue F /8th Street( Ne9 "orA City@6 They move to )ell3ort( !ong Island6 Signs 9ith literary agent Paul 'eynolds 4or a +>< year hitch( 9hose 4irst sale o4 the serial 7Some< thing Ne9# to the Saturday &'ening Post starts a record 0><year a44iliation6 &eets li4e<long colla1orator and 4riend( 3lay9right Guy )olton( at o3ening night 3arty o4 the )olton< 5ern musical( #inety in the Shade ?5nicAer1ocAer Theatre( Ne9 "orA@6 .eeves maAes his de1ut in 7Extricating "oung Gussie# ?Saturday &'ening Post@6 Miss Springtime o3ens ?Ne9 Amsterdam Theatre( Ne9 "orA@6 :irst sho9 9orAed on 1y 7the Trio o4 musical 4ame( )olton and Wodehouse and 5ern6# viii

/2 August $8$+ + August $8$+> Se3tem1er $8$-

.anuary $8$0

/0 .anuary $8$0

$2 Se3tem1er $8$0 /0 Se3tem1er $8$C

A C 'ONO!OG" $$ .anuary $8$* /> :e1ruary $8$* (a'e a (eart ?!i1erty Theatre( Ne9 "orA@ is 4irst original sho9 9ritten entirely 1y the Trio( 9ho 9ere to have six sho9s on )road9ay this year6 )h, Boy* is the 4irst o4 the TrioDs Princess musicals6 Also 1iggest success 9ith -*0 3er4ormances at the Princess Theatre( Ne9 "orA and many more 9ith touring com3anies over the next ten years6 O3ens in !ondon t9o years later as )h, +oy* Piccadilly +im( a 1est<selling novel( issued 1y er1ert .enAins ?!ondon@( his 4irst 1ooA 9ith the 4irm 9ho 3u1lish him regularly 4or the next 0C years6 "ea'e ,t to Psmith 3u1lished 1y er1ert .enAins ?!ondon@ a4ter having a33eared in the Saturday &'ening Post ?Enited States@ as a serial( 1ut 9ith a changed ending 4or 1ooA 3u1lication6 The second )landings Castle novel and the 1iggest seller in England6 The Play-s the Thing ? enry &illerDs Theatre( Ne9 "orA@ o3ens and esta1lishes itsel4 as a maBor comedy < a theatre classic6 This 3roduction enBoyed a run o4 +/C 3er4ormances6 Good Morning, Bill 3roduced at the %uAe o4 "orADs Theatre ?!ondon@6 :ine 3ress rece3tion6 Good Morning, Bill issued 1y &ethuen in a hard cover edition6 S3lendid seller6 Arrives in olly9ood under a one<year contract to &G& studios6 "ea'e ,t to Psmith ?Sha4tes1ury Theatre( !ondon@ 4irst 3roduced6 Than! .ou, +ee'es 3u1lished( the 4irst o4 eleven novels 4eaturing .eeves and )ertie Wooster6

&ay $8$2

+> Novem1er $8/+

+ Novem1er $8/C

/2 Novem1er $8/* /2 &arch $8/2 2 &ay $8+> /* Se3tem1er $8+> $C &arch $8+-

ix

A C 'ONO!OG" $> Octo1er $8+C &ay $8+* olly9ood and &G& again 4or six months6 A /amsel in /istress( an '5O 4ilm 4rom PlumDs novel( is the only 4ilm 9ith a signi4icant contri1ution 4rom Plum6 Stars :red Astaire( .oan :ontaine( )urns and Allen6 onorary % !itt6 degree 4rom Ox4ord Eniversity6 Interned 1y Germans6 S3ends duration o4 9ar in Poland( Germany and :rance6 Wodehouses settle 3ermanently in the Enited States6 !ive in Ne9 "orA City and 'emsen1urg( !ong Island6 Come )n, +ee'es 3roduced in English 3rovinces6 )ecomes a citi=en o4 the Enited States6 !ives year<round in 'emsen1urg6 Elected to Punch Ta1le6 :irst 3u1lished 1iogra3hy( P G odehouse0 A Portrait of a Master 1y %avid A .asen6 5night Commander o4 the Order o4 the )ritish Em3ire ?5)E@6 Plum dies at 8+ o4 heart attacA in Southam3ton os3ital ?!ong Island( Ne9 "orA@6

/$ .une $8+8 $8-><$8-0 /C A3ril $8-* Summer $80$C %ecem1er $800 /* .anuary $8C> Novem1er $8*$ .anuary $8*0 $- :e1ruary $8*0

INT'O%ECTION P ?4or Pelham( his 4amily and 4riends called him 7Plum#@ G ?4or Grenville@ Wodehouse ?3ronounced 7Wood ouse#@( the most 4amous and success4ul humorist o4 the t9entieth century( had an im3ortant career in the theatre6 Indeed( 9ith Guy )olton and .erome 5ern( he created 9hat 1ecame the American &usical Comedy6 Plum Wodehouse started his ama=ing 9riting career in :e1ruary $8>>( and Ae3t it u3 until he died6 Not only did he 9rite 3lenti4ully( 1ut he did so in every 3ossi1le literary 4orm: novels ?more than *>@( short stories ?more than +>>@( 3lays ?$2@( musical comedy li1retti ?++@( song lyrics ?more than />> 3u1lished@( memoirs ?+@( humorous articles( essays and 3oems6 With the creation o4 such series characters as )ertie Wooster and .eeves( !ord Ems9orth( &r &ulliner( The Oldest &em1er( Encle :red( EAridge( and the hangout 4or all his young gentlemen( The %rones Clu1( Plum 1ecame one o4 the most 3o3ular humorists in the English<reading 9orld6 The 9orld o4 Wodehouse#s novels and stories 9as one o4 his o9n creation( 3eo3led not 9ith 1eings 4rom real li4e 1ut 4rom his imagination6 is 3o3ularity 9as gained not 1y caricaturing the real 9orld or 1y holding u3 a mirror( 1ut 1y taAing universal traits and easily recogni=a1le ha1its and maAing us see ourselves through his maAe<1elieve 3eo3le in 3er4ectly constructed( yet enormously com3licated maAe<1elieve situations6 is 9as the humour ?very rare indeed@ o4 geniality( o4 Aindheartedness6 &any earlier critics made the mistaAe o4 calling him a satirist( 1ut there 9as hardly anything a1out 9hich he 9as truly satirical6 Atmos3here is one thing that se3arates the good comic 9riters 4rom the 1ad6 Plum 9as 3articularly ade3t at esta1lishing an atmos3here and main< taining it throughout6 Although he 9orried all his li4e a1out his 3lots G 9hich 9ere nearly all the same G it 9as his use o4 the English language( mixing 4ormal locutions 9ith slang to 3roduce hilariously unex3ected results( that gave his readers such extreme delight: 7 e 9as in evening dress and hysterics#H 7Chim3 T9ist 9as looAing liAe a monAey that xi

INT'O%ECTION had 1itten into a 1ad nut( and Soa3y &alloy liAe an American senator 9ho has received an anonymous telegram saying IAll is discovered6 :ly at once6J # )e4ore the triumvirate o4 )olton<Wodehouse<5ern tooA charge( American musicals 9ere either musical 1urlesKues o4 then current non<musical theatrical 3roductions or else im3orted ?usually ,iennese@ o3erettas 9hich 9ere neither humorous nor colour4ul6 As a result( the American musical very much resem1led a grou3 o4 vaudeville s3ecialists hired to do their reno9ned routines dressed u3 in outlandish costumes6 Elisa1eth &ar1ury( a charming and resource4ul literary agent( had an idea to 3roduce musicals on a small scale: have only one or t9o sets( eleven musicians( a small cast and a strong 1ooA6 She convinced : 'ay ComstocA( lessee o4 The Princess Theatre( Ne9 "orA( a /88<seat house( to 3roduce such a sho96 Naturally( they couldn#t a44ord to3 names( 1ut she Ane9 the Trio and thought they could 3rovide the 3ro3er material( es3ecially since they had 1een airing their vie9s on 9hat constitutes a 3ro3er musical to 9homever 9ould listen6 And( 9hat constituted a 3ro3er musical comedy 9as a very strong 1ooA( 4unny dialogue( lyrics 9hich either carry the 3lot along or else 4urther characteri=ation( and each chorus girl her o9n 3erson6 The Princess musicals caught on and esta1lished the team o4 )oltonWodehouse<5ern as the leading creators o4 musical comedies6 In $8$*( Plum had 4ive sho9s on )road9ay at the same time6 Guy )olton ?$22-<$8*8@ 9rote the 1ooA( Wodehouse hel3ed him 9ith the dialogue and 9rote the lyrics( and .erome 5ern ?$220<$8-0@ com3osed the s3arAling music6 Wodehouse#s theatrical career 9as such that in the course o4 his thirty< three musicals and eighteen straight 3lays( he 9orAed 9ith every maBor theatrical com3oser o4 his time and 9as associated 9ith all o4 the maBor 3roducers6 is co<9orAers and other 4uture<lyricists have 3raised his e44orts through the years: I)e4ore !arry artJ( 9rote com3oser 'ichard 'odgers( xii

INT'O%ECTION Ionly P G Wodehouse had made any assault on the intelligence o4 the song<listening 3u1lic6J And song9riter o9ard %iet= 9rote( IOver the years I have held Wodehouse as the model o4 light verse in the song 4orm6J Several Wodehouse novels have a theatrical setting and several others have 1een turned into 3lays6 As he 9as getting his 4eet 9et 1y taAing his novels and short stories and ada3ting them to the stage( he 1ecame the drama critic 4or 9hat 9as the artiest maga=ine in the Enited States( $anity %air6 In 4act( he 9as its 4irst( in a rather distinguished line including %orothy ParAer( 'o1ert )enchley and 'o1ert Sher9ood6 II had al9ays 9anted to 1e a dramatic criticJ( Plum once 9rote6 IA taste 4or sitting 1acA and 9atching other 3eo3le 9orA( so essential to the maAe<u3 o4 this su1<s3ecies o4 humanity( has al9ays 1een one o4 the leading traits in my character6 I have seldom missed a 4irst night6 No sooner has one 3eriodical got rid o4 me than another has had the mis4ortune to engage me( 9ith the result that I am no9 the 4oremost critic o4 the day( read assiduously 1y millions( 4a9ned u3on 1y managers( courted 1y stagehands6 &y lightest 9ord can maAe or mar a ne9 3roduction6 I4 I say a 3iece is 1ad( it dies6 It may not die instantly6 Generally( it taAes 4orty 9eeAs in Ne9 "orA and6 a cou3le o4 seasons on the road to do it( 1ut it cannot esca3e its 4ate6 Sooner or later it 3erishes6J is theatre and his novels 9ere 4irmly linAed in Plum#s 9orld6 Critics have traced various in4luences in his 9ritings( such as the verses o4 W S Gil1ert( ShaAes3eare( the )i1le( Conan %oyle and the 7good grey 3oets#6 )ut the greatest and most lasting in4luence came 4rom the theatre6 :rom the 3eriod $8$* to $8/*( 9hen he 9as doing so much 4or the theatre( it 9as giving him the ex3ertise to use the mechanics o4 a musical comedy to the 1est advantage in the construction o4 his stories6 Plum o4ten descri1ed his novels and serials as musical comedies 9ithout the music6 All o4 the Wodehouse 3lots can he 1roAen do9n into their com3onents o4 acts( chorus num1ers( ducts and solos6 The dialogue is cris3 and concise( the entrances and exits are care4ully 3re3ared and vividly executed6 xiii

INT'O%ECTION In a letter to a novelist 4riend( he said( IIn 9riting a novel( I al9ays imagine I am 9riting 4or a cast o4 actors6 Some actors are natural minor actors and some are natural maBor ones6 It is a matter o4 3ersonality6 Same in a 1ooA6 Psmith( 4or instance( is a maBor character6 I4 I am going to have Psmith in a story( he must 1e in the 1ig situations6 One 1ig character is 9orth t9o small ones6 %on#t di44use the interest6 Generally( the trou1le is that you can#t s9itch Character )#s stu44 so that it 4its Character A6 The a1solute cast<iron rule( I#m sure( in 9riting a story( is to introduce all your characters as early as 3ossi1le G es3ecially i4 they are going to 3lay im3ortant 3arts later6 I thinA the success o4 every novel de3ends largely on one or t9o high s3ots6 The thing to do is to say to yoursel4( 7Which are my 1ig scenesL# and then get every dro3 o4 Buice out o4 them6 I 1elieve that 9hen one has really got a 1it o4 action going( it can extend as long as you liAe6 Guy )olton says the great thing in 9riting 3lays is never let your characters sit do9n G ie Aee3 the characters 1u==ing a1out 9ithout a 3ause6 e also thinAs it#s a mistaAe to give the audience too much to thinA a1out at any one time6 In other 9ords( in a 3lay( one mustn#t try to develo3 t9o threads simultaneously6J The 4irst o4 Plum#s straight 3lays 9as an ada3tation6 In 4act( 9ith one exce3tion( all o4 his 3lays 9ere ada3tations( either o4 his o9n material or 1y some 4oreign 3lay9right6 is colla1orator on A Gentleman of "eisure ?$8$$@ 9as the American( .ohn Sta3leton( 9ho 4urnished the technical ex3ertise trans4orming the novel into an exciting drarna6 %ouglas :air1anAs( Sr 9as the star6 In his next 3lay( Brother Alfred, Plum did the ada3tation himsel46 It 9as taAen 4rom his and er1ert West1rooA#s short story( 7'allying 'ound Old George#6 It 9as commissioned 1y !a9rence Grossmith( 9ho starred in it at the Savoy Theatre in !ondon in A3ril( $8$+6 It 9asn#t until the summer o4 $8/C 9hen 3roducer Gil1ert &iller commissioned Plum to ada3t Spiel im Schloss 4or American audiences 4rom the ungarian o4 :erenc &olnar that he 9rote his next 3lay6 As The xiv

INT'O%ECTION Play-s the Thing( it o3ened at enry &iller#s Theatre in Ne9 "orA and starred ol1rooA )linn and Catherine %ale O9en6 It 9as a smash hit( running 4or +/C 3er4ormances6 On - %ecem1er $8/2( it 9as 3resented at St .ames#s Theatre in !ondon 9ith Gerald %u &aurier and Ersula .eans in the leading roles6 On /2 A3ril $8-2( it 9as again 3resented 1y Gil1ert &iller at the )ooth Theatre( Ne9 "orA( 9ith !ouis Calhern and :aye Emerson in the leading 3arts6 This revival( once again( 9as a hit( racAing u3 /-- 3er4ormances6 It has su1seKuently attained the status o4 a standard comedy 9ith 3er4ormances given regularly in re3ertory com3anies on 1oth sides o4 the Atlantic6 Good Morning, Bill 9as 3resented on /2 Novem1er $8/* at the %uAe o4 "orA#s Theatre in !ondon 9ith !a9rence Grossmith( Ernest Truex and ,era !ennox in the 4eatured roles6 This 9as another ada3tation 4rom the ungarian o4 !adislaus :odor6 :rom the successes o4 these t9o 3lays( Plum should have 1een made an honorary ungarianM Plum#s sAill in ada3ting 4oreign 3lays is all the more remarAa1le in the light o4 his ignorance o4 any language other than English6 is agent 9ould 3rovide Plum 9ith a translation( usually only a 3lot syno3sis( and he 9ould then create and em1ellish accordingly6 &ethuen( 9ho had 3u1lished Plum s3oradically since $8$+( decided to issue this 3lay as a hard1ound 1ooA on /2 &arch $8/26 )oth Plum and &ethuen had such a 4ondness 4or this 3lay that 9hen Plum made a novel out o4 it( &ethuen 3u1lished it( on * A3ril $8+/( under the title /octor Sally6 This 3u1lication led to a ne9 3roduction o4 it on /> &arch $8+- at %aly#s Theatre in !ondon6 It starred !a9rence Grossmith once again( 9ith Peter addon and Wini4red Shotter6 It 9as seriali=ed in Collier-s in the Enited States under the title( 7The &edicine Girl#( and issued there in the collection o4 stories entitled Crime a'e at Blandings1 "ea'e ,t to Psmith ?the 7P# is silent as in 73shrim3#@ 9as the dramati=ation 1y lan ay and Plum himsel4 o4 Plum#s most success4ul novel in England6 As Plum recalled the colla1oration( IIan and I had a lot o4 interests in common6 We 9ere 1oth Aeen on gol4 and 3u1lic schools6 I read all his stu44 and liAed it enormously6 I liAed colla1orating 9ith Ian 1ecause xv INT'O%ECTION

it#s liAe colla1orating 9ith Guy6 e liAed doing all the stu44 himsel46 I 9as Bust to contri1ute the 1ooA6 We talAed it all over and got our scenario and the characters and everything and then he 9rote it6J lt 9asn#t Kuite that easy 4or Plum( ho9ever( as he actually 1locAed out all o4 the scenes and acts( 9ith Ian doing the re9riting6 They had 4ormed a syndicate in $8/2 to 3roduce ada3tations6 The 4irst 9as 4rom Plum#s novel( A /amsel in /istress( the second 9as Baa, Baa, Blac! Sheep( 9hich 9as 1ased on a short story 1y ay( and the third 9as "ea'e ,t to Psmith6 The com3any 9as actually a 3ro4essional re3ertory com3any 9ith )asil :oster( .ane )axter( Clive Currie( 'eginald Gardner and Au1rey &ather in the three 3roductions6 Plum couldn#t 1e at the o3ening on /* Se3tem1er $8+> at the Sha4tes1ury Theatre in !ondon( as he 9as in olly9ood 9orAing on scri3ts that 9ould never see the light o4 day6 To9ard the end( Plum 9as 9riting the third act and mailing it to Ian( 9ho also su3ervised the rehearsals6 %es3ite the 4ailing economy( the amusing comedy ran $0C 3er4ormances6 Come )n, +ee'es 9as the last three<act 4arce 9ritten 1y Plum and his maBor theatrical colla1orator( Guy )olton6 The 1asic 3lot o4 .eeves hel3ing an im3ecunious young 3eer to 1ecome a Silver 'ing 1ooAie 9as Guy#s6 e and Plum 9orAed it all out during the summer o4 $80/6 They originally called it /erby /ay6 When it 9as discovered that there 9as a 4ilm o4 that title( the authors then came u3 9ith Come )n, +ee'es6 In a reverse 3rocedure( instead o4 ada3ting a novel to a 3lay( Plum tooA this 3lay and turned it into the novel( 2ing for +ee'es( 9hich 9as 3u1lished on // A3ril $80+( over a year 1e4ore it 9as to reach 3roduction as a 3lay6 This 9as the one exce3tion mentioned earlier6 ere is an original idea ?originally 1y )olton@ 9hich then turned into Plum#s sixth .eeves novel6 Intended 4or a West End o3ening( it toured the English 3rovinces during the summer o4 $80- 1ut never came to !ondon6 It 9as 3u1lished originally 1y Evans )rothers !td6 in an Acting Edition in $80C 1ut a33arently 9asn#t registered 4or co3yright until $0 .anuary $8C>6 In their nineties( Plum and Guy returned to this 3lay to re9orA it as a musical comedy 9ith the music 1y 'o1ert Wright and George :orrest6 This( too( under the title "ea'e ,t to +ee'es has yet to 1e 3roduced6 So( here 9e have the only 3lay to star Plum#s greatest character( .eeves6 is o9n xvi INT'O%ECTION

introductory remarAs need no 4urther comment6 Plum Wodehouse is constantly 1eing rediscovered6 Although he( in ty3ically modest 4ashion( made a BoAe o4 Ihumanity remaining a message shortJ 4rom his 9ritings( humanity in the 4orm o4 a continually ex3anding reading 3u1lic is not to 1e 4ooled6 Ne9 readers are KuicA to a33reciate Plum#s im3ortant message o4 learning to get along 9ith one another in a Aindhearted manner6 That sim3le( 1ut 3ro4ound message( along 9ith his 4reshness o4 style and vitality o4 his 3rose( may destine P G Wodehouse 4or immortal 4ame6 %A,I% A .ASEN

xvii

The Play-'s the Thing

A comedy in three acts 1y :erenc &olnar ada3ted 1y P G Wodehouse

The Play-s the Thing 9as 4irst staged on /$ Octo1er $8/C at Irving & !esser#s Great NecA Playhouse( Great NecA( !ong Island( 1y the Charles :rohman Com3any( Gil1ert &iller( &anaging %irector6 The 3lay 9as 3resented 4or the 4irst time in Ne9 "orA City under the same aus3ices at enry &iller#s Theatre on + Novem1er $8/C( 9ith the 4ollo9ing cast: SAN%O' TE'AI( a famous dramatist &ANS5"( his collaborator A!)E'T A%A&( a young composer I!ONA SNA)O( a prima donna A!&A%"( a leading actor .O ANN %WO'NITSC E5( a footman &E!!( the Count-s secretary !AC5E"S ol1rooA )linn u1ert %ruce Ed9ard Crandall Catherine %ale O9en 'eginald O9en 'al3h Nairn Claude Allister Ste3han 5endal .ohn Gerard

SCENES
The action taAes 3lace in a room in a castle on the Italian 'iviera( on a Saturday in summer6 ACT ONE: /:>> A& ACT TWO: C:>> A& ACT T 'EE: *6+> P&

ACT ONE

As the curtain rises a distant orchestra is heard playing "eonca'allo-s 3Mattinata-1 The stage is almost dar!1 The only light comes through t4o large %rench 4indo4s at the bac!1 Through them 4e see the moonlit Mediterranean far belo4, the 'ague outlines of the precipitous coast, t4in!ling lights along 5uays and esplanades, and here and there the faint glo4 from some lighted 4indo41 A lighthouse blin!s intermittently in the far distance1 ithin the dar! room three dar!er shado4s loom against the moonlit 4indo4s6 the lighted ends of three cigarettes pric! the blac!ness1 There is a long pause1 ,t is almost embarrassingly long1 +ust before one 4onders if anything is e'er going to happen a man-s 'oice brea!s the silence1
T E &ANDS ,OICE: When you sto3 talAing( Sandor( 4or sixty

consecutive seconds( there#s something 9rong6 O )ne of the shado4y forms is seen to rise and cross to the right 4all1 e hear the clic! of an electric s4itch and instantly the stage is flooded 4ith the 4arm glo4 of se'eral electric sconces and candelabra lamps1 The light re'eals a room beautifully furnished in ,talian 2enaissance1 At the bac! one shallo4 step leads up to a raised portion 4hich runs the 4hole 4idth of the room1 Behind it are the %rench 4indo4s, no4 closed, 4ith a balcony beyond them1 To the right a short flight of steps leads to a landing and a door to a bedroom suite1 To the left one step leads up to a door to the hall and the remainder of the castle1 )ccupying the right 4all of the lo4er portion of the room is a great fireplace 4ith a corbelled chimney1 A long table stands near it1 At the left is a grand piano1 Belo4 the

piano in the left 4all is a door to another bedroom1 All these doors are closed1 Abo'e the piano to4ard the centre is a small stand 4ith a telephone on it1 There are comfortable chairs here and there1 The ceiling is beamed and car'ed1 The 4hole room reflects 4ealth and beauty1 The spea!er, 4ho has 7ust lighted the room, is a large and portly man of middle age1 (is name is &ANS5"1 (e is in a dinner 7ac!et, as are his t4o companions, SAN%O' TE'AI( seated in the centre, and A!)E'T A%A&( near the piano1 TE'AI is also middle8aged, but younger8loo!ing and less portly than &ANS5"6 A glance sho4s him to be a man of conse5uence and dynamic personality1 (e is 4earing a monocle1 A!)E'T A%A& is a dreamy, handsome boy 7ust o'er the threshold of manhood1 The distant orchestra has stopped playing1 &ANS5" reseats himself to the right of TE'AI( and spea!s again1P What#s on your mind( SandorL
TE'AI:

I 9as Bust thinAing ho9 extraordinarily di44icult it is to 1egin a 3lay6 The eternal 3ro1lem o4 ho9 to introduce your 3rinci3al characters6 I su33ose it must 1e hard6

A%A&: TE'AI:

It is G devilish hard6 E3 goes the curtain( there is a hush all over the theatre( 3eo3le come on the stage6 Then 9hatL It#s an eternity G sometimes as much as a Kuarter o4 an hour 1e4ore the audience 4inds out 9ho#s 9ho and 9hat they are all u3 to6 4or a single minuteL

&ANS5": I never sa9 such a 4ello96 Can#t you 4orget the theatre TE'AI:

No6 That#s 9hy IDm such a great dramatist6

&ANS5": "ou can#t 1e ha33y 4or hal4 an hour unless you#re

talAing sho36 !i4e isn#t all theatre6

TE'AI:

"es( it is G i4 you 9rite 3lays6 "ou Ano9 9hat Al3honse %audet says in his 7&emoirs#L When he stood 1y his 4ather#s death1ed( all he could thinA o4 9as 9hat a

9onder4ul scene it 9ould maAe 4or the stage6

&ANS5": It#s silly to let your Bo1 1ecome an o1session6 TE'AI:

Well( thatDs the theatre 4or you6 And o4 all the 1rain racAing things in the 9orld( 1eginning a 3lay is the 9orst6 TaAe this scene here( 4or instance6 We three G Curtain goes u3 on three ordinary men in ordinary dinner BacAets6 o9 is any1ody to Ano9 even that this room 9e#re sitting in is a room in a castleL And ho9 are they to Ano9 9ho 9e areL I4 this 9ere a 3lay 9e 9ould have to start Ba11ering a1out a lot o4 thoroughly uninteresting things G to the accom3animent o4 slamming seats G until the audience gradually 4ound out 9ho 9e 9ere6

&ANS5": WellL Why notL TE'AI:

ThinA ho9 much sim3ler it 9ould 1e i4 9e 9ere to cut out all that stu44 and Bust introduce ourselvesL O (e rises and addresses the audience1P !adies and gentlemen good evening6 We three arrived tonight to s3end a cou3le o4 9eeAs at this castle6 We#ve Bust le4t dinner 9here 9e did ourselves remarAa1ly 9ell 9ith some excellent cham3agne6 &y name is Sandor Turai6 I am a 3lay9right6 I have 1een a 3lay9right 4or thirty years6 I maAe a very good thing o4 it6 I 1o9 and ste3 1acA leaving the stage to you6 OTE'AI steps bac! and &ANS5" steps for4ard and addresses the audience1P

&ANS5": !adies and gentlemen( my name is &ansAy6 G I( too(

am a 3lay9right( and this gentleman#s li4e<long colla1orator6 We are 3ro1a1ly the 1est<Ano9n 4irm in the 1usiness6
TE'AI:

Come to &ansAy and Turai 4or all comedies( 4arces and o3erettas6 Satis4action guaranteed6

&ANS5": I( too( maAe a very good thing out o4 it6 TE'AI:

Which 1rings us G

&ANS5": G to the remaining mem1er o4 the trio6

OThey indicate A%A&( 4ho rises and addresses the audience in similar fashion but 4ith more diffidence and none of their assurance1P
A%A&: TE'AI: A%A&:

The last and least6 I( ladies and gentlemen( am Al1ert Adam6 I am t9enty<4ive years old and I com3ose music6 ,ery good music( too6

I have done the score 4or the latest o3eretta 1y these t9o Aind gentlemen6 &y 4irst e44ort6 They discovered me6 Without them I am a com3lete non<entity6 I have no 3arents( no re3utation( and no money6 )ut G he#s young6

TE'AI:

&ANS5": And gi4ted A%A&: TE'AI:

And in love 9ith the 3rima donna6

"ou don#t have to tell them that6 An audience taAes it 4or granted that the young com3oser is in love 9ith the 3rima donna6 That#s tradition( isn#t itL ThanA eaven6

A%A&: TE'AI:

At any rate( here 9e are6 :ree at last 4rom the dusty 9orld o4 maAe<1elieveH out o4 the reach o4 thin<sAinned actors and thicA<sAinned managers6 What#s more( there is nothing to 9orry us6 Our o3eretta is 4inished and o44 our minds6 &oreover( it is summer6 The 9eather is 3er4ect( the night is gorgeous( the sea G

&ANS5": "esL What#s the matter 9ith the seaL TE'AI:

It#s moistM And the 9orld is the 9orld6 No9( there you are6 Wouldn#t that 1e the sim3lest 9ay to 1egin a 3layL could 9rite 3lays6

&ANS5": ,ery crude6 I4 that 9ere all there 9as to it( any 4ool TE'AI:

A great many do6 "ou should Ano9 that6 )ut you can

see ho9 a1surdly sim3le it is6

&ANS5": All right( all right6 :or heaven#s saAe( sto3 talAing

sho36 I#ve had enough6 Save it 4or tomorro96

TE'AI:

At any rate( it#s 1een a great day G and 9e must remem1er it G August the t9entieth66

&ANS5": :riday6 TE'AI:

What o4 itL

&ANS5": I 9ish it 9asn#t6 TE'AI:

%on#t 1e such an old 9oman6

&ANS5": No one should arrive any9here on a :riday6 A%A&: TE'AI:

What di44erence does it maAe G :riday( Saturday( Sunday G li4e#s al9ays 9onder4ul6 &y unlucAy day is Tuesday6 Among other things O,ndicates &ANS5"P( he 9as 1orn on a Tuesday6 %uring( I 1elieve( the Second Crusade G ere#s today#s little 1ag o4 1ad lucA6 &idday G 1lo9out G 4ollo9ed 1y violent thunder< storm6 Set us 1acA an hour6 Early a4ternoon G ran over dog6 &ore delay6 And 9hen 9e arrive( 9ho is outL Our 3rincely host6 Who elseL Every1ody6 All gone o44 on a 3icnic6 :ridayM And the 1eauti4ul( the one and only( our adora1le 3rima donna( 9here is sheL Also o44 on a 3icnic6 Is she ex3ected home tonightL No6 When is she ex3ectedL No one Ano9s6 :ridayM Oh( she#ll 1e 1acA6

&ANS5": Well( looA at it 4or yoursel46

TE'AI:

&ANS5": Well( that 9on#t s3oil :riday#s record 1ecause it#s

Saturday no9(
A%A&:

And I#ve got to 9ait a 9hole night 1e4ore I can see her6 It#s cruel6

&ANS5": .ust :riday6

TE'AI:

Well( no9 listen to me6 I#ll give you my version o4 the day#s 3roceedings6 &idday G ca3ital lunch including some really drinAa1le co44ee6 %uring the meal( a 4e9 dro3s o4 rain6 'esult: 3er4ect roads( no dust6 We did inBure a dog G 1ut our :riday good lucA held6 The dog made a miraculous recovery and 9hen last seen 9as sitting u3 taAing nourishment6 We arrived here a 4e9 hours late6 )ut 9hat a 1it o4 good lucA that 9as6 No1ody in the house to ex3ect tired men to maAe conversation6 What#s more( 9e dine on as 4ine a curried chicAen as ever I tasted6

&ANS5": I loathe curry6 TE'AI:

"ou 9ouldM No9( in conclusion( let me give you the cro9ning 3iece o4 good 4ortune o4 this magical :riday6 The room next to this is G Ilona#s6 WhatM

A%A&: TE'AI:

"esM Through that door is the room o4 the 1eauti4ul 3rima donna( the one and only6 And I managed to get this suite 4or us6 What a 3iece o4 good lucA that 9as6

&ANS5": :or him6 TE'AI:

No( no6 :or all o4 us6 When a com3oser is ha33y( he 9rites song hits6 When a 3rima donna is ha33y( she occasionally sings on Aey6 And the li1rettists gather royalties 4rom the resulting trium3hs6

&ANS5": Sordid 1rute6 "ou#ve no 3oetry in your soul6 TE'AI:

)ut I have a 1alance in my 1anA account( and that#s 4ar more im3ortant6 As 4or Ilona 1eing a9ay( thinA 9hat a 3iece o4 good lucA that is6 ThinA o4 the 3leasant sur3rise she#ll get6 The little darling comes home 4rom her 3icnic6 All unsus3ecting( she goes into her little room( she sinAs u3on her little 1ed G

&ANS5": Why on earth must everything al9ays 1e so littleL TE'AI:

I never gave it a thought6 Why notL

&ANS5": %amned sentimentalism6 I Ano9 the house 9ell6 She

has a huge room and an enormous 1ed6

TE'AI:

The 3oint is she doesn#t Ano9 9e#re here6 That 9e#ve 1rought her the un4inished o3eretta G and that I am going to sing her the 9alt= song 4rom Act T9o6 to 1ed6 "ou can do your singing tomorro96

&ANS5": God hel3 herM %o you Ano9 it#s 3ast threeL !et#s go TE'AI: A%A&: TE'AI:

I#ve no o1Bection to 3ost3oning the little sur3rise 3arty6 Su33ose 9e 9aAe her in the morning 9ith the 9alt=6 Su33ose she 4inds out 9e#re hereL

Oh( I#ve attended to that6 I#ve 3articularly im3ressed on the 1utler that no one must Ano9 9e#re here until tomorro9 morning6 e#s a very im3ortant man( that 1utler G 3ractically runs this house6 Then I#m going to have a 1ath6

A%A&: TE'AI: A%A&:

I don#t 4ollo9 his logic( do youL What has the im3ortance o4 the 1utler to do 9ith your having a 1athL I hate logic6 When you#re tired and slee3y and looAing 4or9ard to something 3articularly nice G 9ell( it#s 9onder4ul to lie in a tu1 o4 luAe9arm 9ater 9ith your eyes closed6 "oungM O"aughs1P And an artist must 3am3er himsel4( ehL "ou#re a lucAy 1oy6 "ou#re going to esca3e the struggles that most young artists su44er 1e4ore they reach the to36 "ou#ve got a very clever man 1ehind you G 3ushing you on6

TE'AI:

&ANS5" OsignificantlyP: "es6 T4o clever men6 TE'AI:

I 1eg your 3ardonL OhM O4 course( t4o clever men6 So run along( my 1oy( and have your 1ath G and slee3 and dream and love6 And enBoy your youth in this not so 1eauti4ul 9orld G 9hat#s le4t o4 it6

&ANS5": "ou ought to 1e ashamed o4 yoursel46

e should he learning 1y this time that li4e isn#t all music and roses and ha33iness6 Why 1e in such a hurry to teach him thatL

TE'AI:

&ANS5": I#m not in a hurry6 TE'AI: A%A&: TE'AI:

Then 9hy must he 1e in a hurry to learn itL Good night( Encle Sandor6

Good night( my 1oy6 And don#t 4orget 9ho 9ill 3resently 1e slee3ing on the other side o44 that 9all6 SayM There#s an idea 4or a scene6 The lovers se3arated 1y the 9all6

&ANS5": What loversL TE'AI:

Pyramus and This1e6 7And thou( oh 9all( oh s9eet( oh lovely 9allM Oh 9icAed 9all( through 9hom I see no 1lissM#

&ANS5": Sho3 againM Al9ays sho3M A%A&0 TE'AI:

And 9hat a1out you t9oL Oh( 9e#re all right6 Our room is on the 4ar side o4 Are you t9o sharing a roomL

yours6
A%A&: TE'AI:

We have to6 'eal colla1orators never se3arate 4or a moment6 Or the most 3riceless ideas might 1e lost 4orever6 )esides( I talA in my slee36 I#m told that#s 9hen I say some o4 my 1est things6 &ansAy is a light slee3er( and 9aAes u3 and Bots do9n 9hatever I say6 Well( gentlemen G one last 9ord 1e4ore I go6 I am very 4ond o4 1oth o4 you6 I am 4inding li4e very 1eauti4ul6 And I am very ha33y6 O&9it upstairs6P Which startling announcement seems to call 4or a glass o4 very old 1randy6

A%A&:

TE'AI:

&ANS5": &aAe it t9o6

TE'AI:

'ight6 It#s good to see the 1oy so ha33y6 No9 that I#ve reached the shady side o4 4i4ty( I 4ind mysel4 4ull o4 3arental a44ection and no1ody to lavish it on6 is mother 9as a gentle( 1eauti4ul 9oman6 They#re still dancing do9n there on the terrace o4 the hotel6 With that darA 1lue sAy in the 1acAground and the coloured lights on the 9ater6 "es( the 1oy#s right G li4e is 1eauti4ul6

&ANS5": Sandor6 TE'AI:

"esL

&ANS5": I didnDt liAe to tell you 1e4ore6 TE'AI:

Tell me 9hatL

&ANS5": Something rather un3leasant6 A little 3iece o4 ne9s6

'ather un3leasant6
TE'AI:

"ou#re an odd sort o4 4ello96 .ust 9hen a man is 4eeling ha33y 4or 4ive minutes( you have to come along and taAe the Boy out o4 li4e6

&ANS5": It concerns you( too6 It#s rather un3leasant6 TE'AI:

Well( come on( old 4riend6 'uin my evening 4or me6

&ANS5": I 9as looAing in the visitors# 1ooA do9nstairs( and I

sa9 a certain name6 "es( it#s rather un3leasant6

TE'AI:

%on#t sit there maAing my 4lesh cree36 What name did you see in the visitors# 1ooAL

&ANS5": Almady6 TE'AI:

The actorL

&ANS5": "es6 TE'AI: &ANS5":

e#s hereL e is6

TE'AI:

#m6 This is( as you say( rather un3leasant6

&ANS5": "ou reali=e 9hat this meansL TE'AI:

It means that you#re thoroughly ha33y6

&ANS5": Not at all6 I may 1e a 3essimist( 1ut un4ortunately(

I#m a tender<hearted 3essimist6 When I am 3roved right( I do not enBoy the 4act6 The 4act is that &r Almady is here6
TE'AI:

)ut ho9L

e hasn#t 1een invited here 4or ten years6 e 3ro1a1ly had

&ANS5": I su33ose he 4ished 4or an invitation6

his reasons6
TE'AI:

%oes our young 4riend Ano9 anything a1out that 1usinessL 4iancQe#s li4e( it 9ould 1e a terri1le shocA to him6

&ANS5": NoM I4 he Ane9 the 3art &r Almady has 3layed in his TE'AI:

Well( ho9 much o4 a 3art 9as itL When she 9as starting on the stage he gave her lessons in voice 3roduction6 And then G 9ell( it 9as Bust the usual 1usiness G the romantic leading actor and the little 3u3il6 The sort o4 thing that lasts a cou3le o4 months at the outside6 And( 1esides( it 9as all over and done 9ith long ago6

&ANS5": A33arently it is not over and done 9ith6 TE'AI:

'otM )ecause 1y 3ure chance he ha33ens to 1e in the same houseL intelligence( man6 Ilona 9as Almady#s discovery G he tooA her out o4 the chorus and taught her all she Ano9s6

&ANS5": It isn#t pure chance6 It#s im3ure intention6 Ese your

TE'AI:

That#s a thing o4 the 3ast6 Ilona#s in love and she#s engaged to 1e married6 And you Ano9 ho9 3assionately an actress can 1e engaged to 1e married6 I#m 1ound to say I#m not remarAa1ly enthusiastic a1out this match( 1ut i4 it maAes the 1oy ha33y that#s the main thing6 &y dear cha3( you#re cra=y6

She 9ouldn#t 1e such a 4ool G 9ith a 9orn<out elderly actor G a 4ather 9ith 4our children6 She#s got too much sense6
&ANS5": I never said a 9ord a1out that6 I merely said I had

seen his name in the visitors# 1ooA6 That means he is staying here6 Is that 3leasantL No6 It is un3leasant6 That 9as all I said6 I no9 say something more6 We ought to have 9ired Ilona that 9e 9ere coming tonight6
TE'AI:

I admit it6 "ou#re right again6 So 1e ha33y6 Never sur3rise a 9oman6 On several occasions in a longish li4e I have 3re3ared a Boy4ul sur3rise 4or a 9oman( and every time I 9as the one sur3rised6 The telegra3h 9as invented 4or no other 3ur3ose than that 9oman should not get sur3rises6 O There is a !noc! at the door6P Come in6 OA :OOT&AN enters from the hall6 (e is an elderly man in blue li'ery6P What do you 9antL

:OOT&AN: What do you 9ant( sirL "ou rang( sir6 TE'AI:

Oh( yes( cognac6

:OOT&AN: Any 3articular 1rand( sirL TE'AI Oto &ANS5"P: %o me a 4avour( old man( and go u3 and

maAe sure Al1ert stays out o4 here6 I 9ant to have a 4e9 9ords 9ith this 4ello96
&ANS5": %on#t drinA 1oth the 1randies6 O&ANS5" goes out

through door at right6P

TE'AI:

What#s your nameL

:OOT&AN: &ine( sirL TE'AI:

"es( yours6

:OOT&AN: .ohann %9ornitscheA( sir6 TE'AI:

.ohannL

:OOT&AN: %9ornitscheA6 TE'AI:

Ah G ageL

%WO'NITSC E5: :i4ty<t9o( sir6 TE'AI:

)ornL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 TE'AI:

I should have said( 9here 9ere you 1ornL

%WO'NITSC E5: PodmoAly6 In )ohemia( sir6 TE'AI:

Nice 3lace6

%WO'NITSC E5: No( sir6 TE'AI:

Ah G marriedL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir( thanA you( sir6 TE'AI:

Wi4e livingL

%WO'NITSC E5: Well( in a sense6 G She ran a9ay t9o years ago

9ith a soldier( sir G thanA you( sir6

TE'AI:

%on#t thanA me G thanA the soldier6 No9 G .ohann %9ornitscheA6 ere are more Kuestions6 That room next door there is &iss Ilona S=a1o#sL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 TE'AI:

as she 1een out longL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 They le4t at six oDclocA this a4ter<

noon6
TE'AI:

TheyL Who#s theyL

%WO'NITSC E5: TE'AI:

The entire house 3arty( sir( including the master6 They 9ere going to San Pietro( I thinA( sir6 Is that 4arL

%WO'NITSC E5: The yacht 9ould taAe them there in a1out an

hour and a hal4( sir6

TE'AI:

When do you ex3ect them 1acAL

%WO'NITSC E5: Well( sir G they tooA a considera1le Kuantity o4

liKuor 9ith them6

TE'AI:

&y Kuestion 9as( 7When do you ex3ect them 1acAL# ardly

%WO'NITSC E5: That is the Kuestion I#m ans9ering( sir6

1e4ore tomorro9 morning at the earliest6

TE'AI:

I see6 Who#s in the 3artyL The core or centre o4 it( i4 I may use the

%WO'NITSC E5:

ex3ression( sir G
TE'AI:

Certainly you may use the ex3ression6 It#s a 1eauti4ul ex3ression6 American 4amily( distant relatives o4 the master6 Every time a holiday comes around( they insist on a 3icnic6

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you( sir6 The core or centre o4 it is an

TE'AI:

What holiday is todayL

%WO'NITSC E5: I don#t Ano9( sir6 They have t9o every 9eeA

here6 They al9ays go o44 at night in the 1ig yacht6 They#re Kuite 9ild a1out the young lady6 She sings 4or them on the yacht6
TE'AI:

No9( looA here G do you Ano9 a &r AlmadyL e has 1een here three days6

%WO'NITSC E5: Oh( yes( indeed( sir6 I Ano9 &r Almady6 I

Ano9 &r Almady very 9ell6

TE'AI:

ere in the castleL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir( on this 4loor6 TE'AI:

And G he#s a mem1er o4 the yachting 3artyL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 Along 9ith the young lady6 TE'AI:

What do you mean( along 9ith the young ladyL

%WO'NITSC E5: Well( sir( he escorted her to the 1oat6 They#re

9orAing together G liAe G liAe G as it 9ere G 3artners6 &r

Almady gives recitations on the 1oat6

TE'AI:

&y GodM

o9 did you 4ind that outL

%WO'NITSC E5: They tooA me 9ith them( sir( last Tuesday6 TE'AI Ointo each life some rain must fall P: TuesdayLL

"es( it

4ould 1e on a Tuesday6
%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir G Tuesday6 TE'AI:

"es( I heard you6 ThanA you6 That 9ill 1e all6

%WO'NITSC E5: Excuse me( sir6 Would it 1e taAing a li1erty i4

I inKuired 9hy G
TE'AI:

Why I 1egan 1y asAing you all those 3ersonal KuestionsL

%WO'NITSC E5: Exactly( sir6 TE'AI:

Ruite sim3le6 It#s a little matter o4 3sychology6 When you 9ant a man to s3eaA the truth( 1egin 1y maAing him tell you all a1out himsel46 It gives him a 4eeling o4 res3onsi1ility and maAes him a4raid to lie later on6 That is 4rom a little detective 3lay 1y &ansAy and Turai6 "ou may taAe the ti3 as some slight return 4or your trou1le6

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you very much sir6 TE'AI:

%on#t mention it6

%WO'NITSC E56 And 9hich shall I 1ring you( sirL TE'AI:

WhichL What 9hichL

%WO'NITSC E5: Which 1rand o4 cognacL TE'AI:

Which 1rands have youL

%WO'NITSC E5: All the 1est 1rands( sir6

ennessy( Three Star &artel( )iscuit %u)ouche G Excuse me( sir6 I rather 4ancy that#s the young lady coming 1acA no96 OThey listen1 %rom the ad7oining room at the left a soprano 'oice is heard singing

casually but clearly a 4ell8!no4n aria from an operetta 6P "es( sir6 That#s the young lady( all right6
TE'AI:

It is6 It#s she6 S3lendidM Then never mind the cognac6 Cham3agne is clearly indicated6 See that it#s 9ell iced and hurry it along6

%WO'NITSC E5: "ou 9ish it here( sirL TE'AI Ogoing into room at rightP: O4 course6 O4 course6 %WO'NITSC E5: ,ery good( sir6

O&9it %WO'NITSC E56P

TE'AI Oin the room at rightP:

eyM Sto3 that 1ath6 "ou haven#t time 4or 1aths no96 She#s 1acAM ShM urry u36 RuicA( 1oth o4 you6 OThe 'oices of &ANS5" and A%A& are also heard6P I tell you she is6 She#s in her room6 %o 1e KuicA6 I#ve ordered cham3agne6 ere( I#ll hel3 you dress6 OThe door at the right is closed from the inside1 %rom inside the ad7oining room on the left the singing continues until interrupted by A!&A%"#S 'oice raised in protest6P

A!&A%": What do you mean 1y this singingL I 1elieve you#re

doing it Bust to annoy me6

I!ONA:

Well G it#s 3retty cool to come 9alAing into my 1ed< room at this hour6

A!&A%": I came 9ith you6 I!ONA:

No9( listen6 Everything#s over and ended6 I#m engaged to he married and I intend to 1e a good little 9i4e6 "ou#ve no right to 1ehave liAe this6 lived so many 9onder4ul( un4orgetta1le G

A!&A%": No rightL I( 9ho made youL I( 9ith 9hom you have I!ONA:

%o go a9ay( and leave me alone6 %on#t touch me6 OA pause6P Sto36 I 9on#t let you Aiss me6 Can#t you understand my 4iancQ 9ill 1e arriving any day no9L

A!&A%": I#ll Aill him(6 I!ONA:

"ou#ll do nothing o4 the Aind6 O A!&A%" sobs loudly6P Oh( sto3 cryingM The idea G a gro9n<u3 man( the 4ather o4 4our children6 Bust a littleL

A!&A%": )ut I love you so( Ilona6 %on#t you love me G still G I!ONA:

"ou#re nothing 1ut a great 1ig 1a1y6 All right( then you may Aiss me6 OA pause 4hile they !iss6P What are you doingL %on#t taAe o44 your coat6

A!&A%": I 9ant to say good1ye6 I!ONA:

Well( you don#t need to say it in your shirt<sleeves6 OPause6P No9 run a9ay and let me get some slee36 I#m 9orn out6 to drinA hereL

A!&A%": I#m only 9aiting till you#re in 1ed6 Is there anything I!ONA6:

"ou#ll 4ind it in the ante<room6 O Pause1 Shouting6P !ooA in the side1oard6 And stay 9here you are till I#ve got my nightie on6 %on#t come in and donDt looA6 OThere is a silence during 4hich the door right is opened and TE'AI( A%A& and &ANS5" tiptoe in li!e three mischie'ous boys1 They spea! in 4hispers as they cross to the door to I!ONA#S bedroom1P

TE'AI: A%A&: TE'AI:

ushM She#s gone to 1ed6 %o you thinA she#s aslee3 alreadyL

I dou1t it6 Come on6 Get as close as you can get6 OThey group themsel'es in a ro4 as near the 4all as the furniture 4ill permit1 hispers 6P 'eadyL No9 G Ilona( Ilona( Ilona G taAe the time 4rom me6 O2aises his hand li!e a conductor6 at the same moment A!&A%"#S 'oice is heard6P

A!&A%": I 9orshi3 you G I adore you6

OThe T 'EE are ri'eted 4here they stand, transfi9ed 4ith amazement6P
I!ONA:

Are you starting all over againL(

A!&A%": "es( I am6 All over again6 I love you as the church

stee3le loves the cloud that settles a1ove it and 4loats a9ay 9ith the 4irst 3assing 1ree=e6 I can#t go on living 9ithout you6 Not a 9eeA( not a day( not an hour6 OThe T 'EE &EN turn simultaneously1P
I!ONA: OcontemptuouslyP6 .ust 9ords6 A!&A%": It#s the truth6 I#m cra=y a1out you6 And you G you#ve

used me u3 and sKuee=ed me liAe a lemon( and no9 you 9ant to thro9 me a9ay6
I!ONA: A%A&:

I don#t 9ant to thro9 you a9ay( silly6 Oh( come on( then6 Come here and let me Aiss your 1eauti4ul classic 1ro96 She said G did you hear 9hat she saidL

A!&A%": That#s not a Aiss G that#s a ti3 G Nothing 1ut a 3altry

ti36 O&ANS5" sin!s into chair6P

I!ONA:

%on#t shout liAe that6

A!&A%": I 9ill shout6 I#m a sKuee=ed lemon6 That#s 9hat I am

G OSobsP G a lemonM The 9hole 9orld shall Ano9 that I#m a lemon6
I!ONA:

Get o44 your Anees6 And( oh( 3lease( do sto3 crying6 "ou Ano9 ho9 4ond I am o4 you6 OTE'AI and &ANS5" clap their hands to their heads1 A%A& collapses on the piano stool6P

A!&A%": Those nights o4 love G those 4laming 9onder4ul

nightsM

ave you 4orgotten them so com3letelyL

A%A&:

Why G That#s AlmadyM

&ANS5": "ou can#t 1e sure6 I!ONA:

Sto3M Control yoursel4

A!&A%": "ou asA me to control mysel4 G 9hen I looA at that G

at that 3er4ect sha3e6 The rose 4lush o4 that sAin6

I!ONA:

ands o44M o9 smooth( ho9 velvety

A!&A%": &y GodM I!ONA:

o9 round it isM G and ho9 4ragrant6 OA pause6P %on#t 1iteM

A!&A%": I must G I am so hungry G TE'AI Oto A%A& and patting him on the shoulder P: I thinA you

had 1etter go( old man6 Go and turn in in our room6 A%A& ObitterlyP: And I thought she 9as a &adonna6 olding her in his arms G stroAing G O2ising in sudden fury and rushing to the doorP G God( I could Aill himM
TE'AI:

Steady( old man( steady6 OA%A& co'ers his ears 4ith his hands6P

A!&A%": Ah( 9ellM I see I am nothing to you any more6 I!ONA:

Oh( 4or goodness# saAe( I s9ear that no man has ever meant so much to me as you6 :rom the to3 o4 your head to the soles o4 your 4eet you are a manM Who should Ano9 that 1etter than IL Come( come( my 1oy G let#s get out o4 this6

TE'AI:

&ANS5" Ogoes to A%A&P: Come on( old cha36 "ou#re going to slee3 in our room6 OTE'AI and &ANS5" lead him to stair8

4ay6P
A%A&:

Slee3M O(e goes out at right1 TE'AI and &ANS5" are on the landing6P

I!ONA:

OhM %on#t looA so 3athetic6 G Well( come here G Aiss

me6
&ANS5": I 9as right G We ought to have sent a telegram6 O(e

goes out6P
A!&A%": I 9ant you to remem1er that Aiss 4orever6 I!ONA:

It 9as your old Aiss6 S9eet and 1urning G liAe hot 3unch6 )ut do 1e a dear and go a9ay no96 It 9as mad o4 you to come here6 I4 my 4iancQ ever hears o4 this I#ll Aill mysel46 Oh( damn my idiotic sentimentality 4or getting me into this mess6 "ou must leave here tomorro9 on the 4irst train6 e#ll 1e here any day no96 OTE'AI shifts uneasily6P Every day I#ve 1een ex3ecting a telegram6 OTE'AI groans6P Get out( I tell you( get outM am going to 1ed no96 :are9ell( dear heart6 )ut grant me one last Aiss6

A!&A%": I4 you insist( dear heart( so 1e itM "our 9ord is la96 I

TE'AI Oto himselfP: %amn all 4ools 9ho don#t Ano9 9hen they#ve

had enough6
I!ONA:

Go no9

A!&A%": So 1e it6 Good night( dear heart6 I!ONA6

Good night( you 1a1y6 OSilence1 A door is heard closing6P

TE'AI Oto himselfP: At lastM Good night( dear heartM O After a moment he sits do4n in armchair1 Pause1 &ANS5" re8

enters6P
&ANS5": This silence G 9hat does it meanL TE'AI:

This silence is a highly moral silence6 The 1aritone hero has de3arted6 And the 4air heroine has de3osited hersel4 in 1ed6

&ANS5": A4ter de3ositing us in the 9orst mess in my 9hole

ex3erience6 Wasn#t it a94ulL

TE'AI:

A94ulL Well( ho9 is heL

&ANS5": I got him to 1ed6 Poor little Pyramus6 A Bolly 9all

that( isn#t itL Church stee3leM !emonMM The damned 4ool6

TE'AI:

I can#t looA the 1oy in the 4ace6

&ANS5": "ou managed to get this suite 4or us6

&arvellous lucAM Pyramus and This1eM 7Oh( s9eet 9allM# Well( I ho3e you#re satis4ied6 Oh( go to the devil6

TE'AI:

&ANS5": I don#t 9ant to 1e unAind( 1ut 9hichever 9ay you

looA at it( you#re to 1lame 4or this catastro3he6 Why the deuce 9as it necessary to 3ut the 1oy next to his lady<loveL :riendshi3 is 4riendshi3( 1ut there are limits6
TE'AI:

I 9as merely trying to 1e sym3athetic and hel34ul6 I meant 9ell6 a resultL )ride gone G love gone G 9alt= gone G o3eretta gone6 All a total loss6 On the other hand( the dog didn#t die and the co44ee 9as good6 Well( :riday has certainly made a nice( clean( e44icient Bo1 o4 it this timeM

&ANS5": Never mean 79ell#6 It#s 4atal6 See 9hat#s ha33ened as

TE'AI:

What a1out the 1oyL

&ANS5": What a1out our o3erettaL The lady Aissed the lemon#s

classic 1ro96 A4ter this( can you see her 3laying the 3artL
TE'AI:

To hell 9ith all that6 What a1out the 1oyL %id he say anythingL score and Aill Ilona6J The round and 4ragrant one6 And the 3ro1lem that 3resents itsel4 to me is this: i4 he tears u3 his music and Aills the 3rima donna( 9hat sort o4 a 4irst night shall 9e haveL

&ANS5" OgloomilyP: )ne o4 his remarAs 9as: II#ll tear u3 the

TE'AI Othin!s a moment, then 4ith emphasis P: We#ll have a 4irst

night( I 3romise you that6

&ANS5": What( a4ter all thisL TE'AI:

"es( a4ter all this1 %on#t 9orry( 9e#ll have a 4irst night

all right6
&ANS5": With that musicL TE'AI:

With that music and that com3oser and that 3rima donna6 And I#ll tell you some other things6 We#ll have a hit( a 9edding( and a ha33y ending6 9ouldn#t it 1e a good idea i4 you 9ere to mention Bust 9hat you 3ro3ose to do6 This is 9here Sandor Turai( 4amous 4or his ha33y endings( had 1etter try to sur3ass himsel46 Get 1usy( my 3lay9riting genius( and let#s see ho9 good you are6

&ANS5": Well( o4 all the o3timistsM It#s Bust a suggestion( 1ut

TE'AI:

One can do 1ut one#s 1est6 O&ANS5" goes out at right1 A cloc! in the hall is heard to stri!e four1 TE'AI ta!es a blan! sheet of music from the piano1 (e paces up and do4n in deep thought, occasionally glancing to4ard I!ONA#S room1 (e 7ots do4n a fe4 4ords1 &ANS5" re8enters6P Well( ho9 is heL e didn#t even ans9er my Kuestion6

&ANS5": !ying in 1ed( staring at the ceiling6 That#s 1ad6 TE'AI:

What did you asA himL

&ANS5": I said: OPlainti'elyP I:eeling 1etter no9LJ TE'AI:

What did you ex3ect him to ans9er to a damn 4ool Kuestion liAe thatL

&ANS5": Well( have you solved the 3ro1lemL TE'AI:

I4 I have IDm not going to tell you6 "ou#ve ruined enough good ideas o4 mine already 9ith your colla1oration6 This time I mean to 9orA alone6 Without a 3artner6 All I asA

o4 you is a little in4ormation6 There are a 4e9 facts I reKuire6

&ANS5" OhuffilyP: ThatDs all I#m good 4or( is itL TE'AI:

That#s all6 Where are Almady#s 9i4e and 4amily no9L

&ANS5": At !aAe )alaton( I 1elieve6 TE'AI:

!aAe )alaton6 AddressL

&ANS5": ,erona Cottage6 TE'AI

Oputting it do4nP: mother#s nameL

,erona Cottage6

What#s Ilona#s

&ANS5": Adele G Alma G something6 TE'AI:

Well( it 1egins 9ith an 7A#6

&ANS5": "es( I Ano9 that6 TE'AI:

ThanA GodM &rs A S=a1o6 What#s her addressL

&ANS5": *> Eli=a1eth Avenue( :ured6 TE'AI:

Would she 1e there no9L

&ANS5" OpetulantlyP: Oh GodM o9 should I Ano9L )ut( listen G OPoints to I!ONA#S roomP &y o9n hum1le suggestion

9ould 1e to 9aAe her u3 no9 and have a little chat6

TE'AI:

What a1outL

&ANS5" Ostarting acrossP: I#ll rout her out6 TE'AI:

:or God#s saAe( don#t do thatM The only thing a 9oman can do is deny everything6 And 9hat could she denyL Could she ex3lain her hal4<hearted resistanceL O4 course( she might 3oint out that it 9as nice o4 her to tell the man not to 1ite6 :alling on their Anees G 4ainting G 1ursting into tears G laughing hysterically G or Bust going rigid all over6

&ANS5": Women have lots o4 other tricAs6

TE'AI:

That might 9orA all right 4or you G or me6 )ut that 1oy is t9enty<4ive( so thinA again6

&ANS5": Then there#s no solution to the 3ro1lem6 TE'AI:

There#s a solution to everything6 One has only to 4ind

it6
&ANS5": )y .oveM 'ather a good line( that6 TE'AI: Oh( I don#t thinA G 6 Well( it#s not 1ad6 .ot it do9n6 O&ANS5" does so on his cuff6P The thing to do no9 is to 1e

tact4ul and understanding 9ith the 1oy6 "ou go and sit 1y his 1ed until he 4alls aslee36
&ANS5": TE'AI:

e 9on#t slee3 tonight6

Give him something to maAe him slee36 e#s got a 1ig day ahead o4 him tomorro96 One 4alse move and he#ll 4ind himsel4 the centre o4 a record scandal6 That 9ould 1reaA his heart6 On his 3eace o4 mind( you Ano9( de3ends G

&ANS5": Our success6 Ca3acity 1usiness6 A year#s run6 TE'AI:

)eastly 9ords6

&ANS5": And only yesterday G ho9 1eauti4ul they sounded6 TE'AI:

!ooA here6 I#ll taAe on this Bo16 !eave everything to me6 "ou Ano9( it#s a curious thing( 1ut 9henever you sto3 trying to hel3 me( I can solve anything6 dear 4ello96

&ANS5" Obo4s stiffly and turns to4ards stairs P: ThanA you( my TE'AI:

Not at all6

&ANS5": Good night6 TE'AI:

Goodnight6 See you tomorro96 Till then( don#t leave him 4or an instant6 That#s o44icial6 I#ve enBoyed our little talA so much6 Good night6

&ANS5": Goodnight6 OGoes out at right1 TE'AI goes to table,

sits and 7ots do4n some more notes1 There is a !noc! at door left to hall6P
TE'AI:

Come in6 O%WO'NITSC E5 enters 4ith cooler and champagne, four glasses on a tray6P

%WO'NITSC E5: The cham3agne( sir G Bust as you ordered6 TE'AI Omotioning it a4ayP: #&m( yes6 )ut that 9as a long time

ago6 A very long time ago6 Since then the 9orld has changed Kuite a good deal6 o9ever( the motto o4 the Turai is: 7Never re4use cham3agne#H so 3ut it do9n6 O%WO'NITSC E5 places tray on the table and the cooler on the floor6P
%WO'NITSC E5: Will 4our glasses 1e su44icient( sirL TE'AI:

Three more than su44icient6

O%WO'NITSC E5 lea'es one glass on the tray before TE'AI( and places the other three on the table1 There is a pause, TE'AI stares at him6P
%WO'NITSC E5: Something in the ex3ression o4 your eye( sir(

tells me that you are trying to remem1er my name6

TE'AI:

Ruite right6 What is itL

%WO'NITSC E5: %9ornitscheA( sir( TE'AI:

Still %9ornitscheAL Well( 9ellM All right( %9ornits< cheA( you can go to 1ed6 1reaA4ast( sirL

%WO'NITSC E5: Is there anything s3ecial that you 4ancy 4or TE'AI:

No6 .ust ham( eggs( cold chicAen( smoAed salmon( cold 1ee4( 1acon( 1utter( milA( honey( Bam( rolls and tea6

%WO'NITSC E5: With lemonL TE'AI:

NoM With rumM

%WO'NITSC E5: ,ery good( sir6

TE'AI:

What are you 9aiting 4orL

%WO'NITSC E5: TE'AI:

I 9as 9ondering i4 there 9ere any more Kuestions you desired to asA me( sirL No( thanA you6

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you( sir6 TE'AI:

No( no( thanA you6

%WO'NITSC E5: I love 1eing asAed Kuestions( sir6 It sho9s that

gentlemen taAe an interest6

TE'AI:

"ou mean in %9ornitscheA( the servant( ehL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 "ou are sure you have nothing more(

to asA( sirL It 9ould 1e a treat 4or me6

TE'AI:

There#s nothing more( thanA you6 &y stocA o4 Ano9< ledge 4or today is com3lete6 I 9ish it 9eren#t6

%WO'NITSC E5: Then I 9ill 1id you goodnight( sir6 TE'AI:

Goodnight G One momentM There is something I#d liAe6 I#d liAe some 9riting 3a3er( some telegra3h 4orms( some inA and a 3en6 )ut I can 1ring them to you here6

%WO'NITSC E5: The 9riting materials are in the li1rary( sir6 TE'AI:

No( thanA you6 I#ll do my 9riting in the li1rary6 That#s a good idea G no chance o4 1eing distur1ed6

%WO'NITSC E5: I#ll go and turn on the lights( sir6 TE'AI:

One moment6 OPoints to champagne6P &ight that come 9ith usL

%WO'NITSC E5: ,ery good( sir6 TE'AI:

A4ter you6

%WO'NITSC E5: Oh no( sirM

TE'AI:

I insist( my dear %9ornitscheA G a4ter you6

%WO'NITSC E5: At 9hat hour do you desire 1reaA4ast( sirL TE'AI:

What hour is it no9L

%WO'NITSC E5: Ruarter 3ast 4our( sir6 TE'AI:

Then let us say at seven G or( no G maAe it six6

%WO'NITSC E5: ,ery good( sir6 At six 3recisely6 TE'AI:

!ooA here( %9ornitscheA( G 9hen do you slee3L

%WO'NITSC E5: In the 9inter( sirM

CE'TAIN

ACT TWO

As the curtain rises a cloc! in the hall is heard to stri!e si91 Golden sunlight pours in the 4indo4s1 The Mediterranean is as blue as tradition has painted it1 SAN%O' TE'AI, no4 7auntily attired in 4hite flannels, is seated in the armchair at the centre, 4ith the loose lea'es of a manuscript before him1 As the cloc! stops stri!ing, the door at left to the hall is opened by %WO'NITSC E5, 4ho comes do4n to TE'AI bringing a ne4spaper on a sal'er1 %WO'NITSC E5 is follo4ed by t4o !AC5E"S in li'ery, each carrying an enormous sil'er tray piled high 4ith TE'AI#S brea!fast1 /uring the dialogue that follo4s, the !AC5E"S place the brea!fast upon the long table at right1 This done, one of them stands at attention 4hile the other goes up to the 4indo4, opens it, steps out on the balcony and lo4ers an a4ning 4hich shuts off some of the no4 too brilliant sunlight1
%WO'NITSC E5: Good morning( sir6 TE'AI:

Good morning6 What#s thisL

%WO'NITSC E5: &orning 3a3er( sir6 TE'AI:

"ouDve read it( o4 courseL

%WO'NITSC E5: Oh yes( sir6 TE'AI:

Anything a1out me in itL

%WO'NITSC E5: No( sir6 TE'AI:

Then taAe it a9ay6 O%WO'NITSC E5 gi'es sal'er 4ith the ne4spaper to one of the !AC5E"S and motions both

off6P
%WO'NITSC E5: !et me see( sir( I thin! it 9as ham( eggs( cold

chicAen( smoAed salmon( cold 1ee4( 1acon( 1utter( milA( honey( Bam and rolls that you ordered( 9as it notL
TE'AI:

Ruite right6

%WO'NITSC E5: And tea 9ith cut lemon6 TE'AI:

I loathe lemons6

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 &any 3eo3le do6 I once had an aunt G TE'AI:

Su33ose 9e don#t talA a1out your aunt Bust 4or the

moment6
%WO'NITSC E5: ,ery good( sir6 TE'AI:

!ater on( 3erha3s6

%WO'NITSC E5: At any time that suits you( sir6 TE'AI:

"ou must maAe allo9ances 4or the artistic tem3era< ment( 9hen I have 1een sitting u3 all night 9riting6

%WO'NITSC E5: I Kuite understand( sir6

OTE'AI has risen and crossed to the table, upon 4hich he has put the manuscript1 (e no4 goes round to the right side 4here his place is set and e9amines the brea!fast 4ith e'ident satisfaction1 (e lifts the co'ers from se'eral sil'er dishes, loo!s at their contents 4ith pleasure, and smiles at %WO'NITSC E5 4ith appro'al6P
TE'AI:

"ou#re really a 9onder4ul 4ello96 you manage not to 4orget anythingL 1reaA4ast6

o9 on earth did

%WO'NITSC E5: It 9as a la1our o4 love( sir6 &y heart is in that TE'AI:

"our heart( tooL OAfter he has ta!en a sip of tea P AhM That 3uts ne9 li4e into a man6

%WO'NITSC E5: "ou must have had very little slee3( sir6 TE'AI:

Not much6

%WO'NITSC E5: I hadn#t any6 TE'AI:

"es( I remem1er you told me you 9ere essentially a hi1ernating animal6 9hen I sometimes manage to lie do9n mysel4 4or a 4e9 moments6

%WO'NITSC E5: No1ody else is stirring as yet6 This is the time

TE'AI:

Then you 9ill get some slee3( a4ter allL

%WO'NITSC E5: .ust 4orty 9inAs( sir6 That#s the advantage o4

1eing 1y the sea6 Gentlemen stay in 1ed till noon6 ,ery di44erent 4rom the mountains6
TE'AI:

They get u3 early in the mountains( ehL

%WO'NITSC E5: At a1out 4ive or 4our<thirty6 They liAe to go

clim1ing6 )ut thereDs al9ays a 1right side( sirH they go to 1ed at nine6
TE'AI:

"ou Ano9( you#re 1roadening my mind tremendously6 Every time I see you( I learn something ne96 something6

%WO'NITSC E5: I4 it#s not a li1erty( sir( I should liAe to say TE'AI:

I#ll 1et it#s something good6 Go on6

%WO'NITSC E5: "ou ought to taAe more care o4 your health(

sir6 "ou donDt get enough slee36

TE'AI:

I don#tL

%WO'NITSC E5: And you smoAe too much( sir6 I 4ound at least

4i4ty cigarette 1utts in the ash<tray in the li1rary6

TE'AI:

Wrong6 Thirty<seven6

%WO'NITSC E5: Too many( sir6

TE'AI:

What#s your daily allo9anceL

%WO'NITSC E5: :i4teen( sir6 TE'AI:

"ou#ll live to 1e a hundred6

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you G is that a medical o3inion( sirL TE'AI:

No( Bust a ho3e6 This 9eary 9orld needs men liAe

you6
%WO'NITSC E5: No( no( sir6 !iAe you6 TE'AI:

Well( shall 9e say liAe 1oth o4 usL

%WO'NITSC E5: Would it 1e a li1erty( sir( i4 I ex3ressed the

o3inion that you have a heart o4 goldL

TE'AI:

Not at all6 ThanA you very much6

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you( sir6 TE'AI:

No( no6 ThanA you6

%WO'NITSC E5: It#s the 9ay you taAe an interest that touches a

man( sir6 I 9ish there 9as something I could do 4or you6

TE'AI:

At the moment( I thinA the 1est thing you can do 4or me is to leave me alone6 And i4 anyone asAs 4or me( tell them I#m slee3ing and must not 1e distur1ed6 EnderstandL

%WO'NITSC E5: Oh( yes( indeed( sir6 O%WO'NITSC E5 starts to go1 TE'AI stops him1 TE'AI pantomimes : ait a minute1 , must remember your name1; (e registers despair1 %WO'< NITSC E5 smiles indulgently and 4hispersP %9ornitscheA6 TE'AI:

ThanA you6

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you( sir6

O(e goes out1 TE'AI rises, listens at the staircase, then goes to the telephone and ta!es up the recei'er6P
TE'AI:

ello6 Will you give me &iss Ilona S=a1o#s roomL

O(e 4aits1 Telephone bell rings loudly in the room at left1 After a pause it rings again6P
I!ONA OsleepilyP: "esLLL TE'AI: I!ONA:

ello6 elloMMM ello6

TE'AI OsoftlyP: I!ONA: TE'AI:

Who#s thatL

The un4eeling 1rute 9ho has aroused you 4rom your slum1er is Ano9n to the 3olice as Sandor Turai6

I!ONA Ochanging in a flash, delightedP: SandorM %ear old SandorM TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

Well( and ho9#s the 3rima donnaL Where are you s3eaAing 4romL Next door6 WhatM I thought you#d 1e sur3rised6 I#m in the next room6 o9 on earthL G

&y dear little Ilona( let#s 3ost3one the ex3lanations6 I 9ant to see you at once G immediately6 "ou#re 4rightening me6 What is itL

I!ONA:

TE'AI Odeliberately puts do4n recei'er and spea!s to4ards the

4allP: %on#t 1e alarmed6 O3en the door( 3ut something on( and come in6 Or rather( 3ut something on( o3en the door and come in6
I!ONA:

%o 9hatL I canDt hear you6 There must 1e something 9rong 9ith this tele3hone6 and come in6 Can you hear me 1etter no9L

TE'AI Ono4 at the doorP: I say: 3ut something on( o3en the door(

I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

"es6 I can hear 1eauti4ully no96 Good6

I#ll 1e right in6 O&nters6P Sandor G 9hat is itL I 4eel something terri1le has ha33ened6 What#s the matterL Sit do9n( my dear6 "ou and I have got to do some KuicA talAing6 )ut 9hat#s ha33enedL :or heaven#s saAe( tell meM Sit do9n6 WhyL

I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

)ecause i4 you don#t sit do9n no9( you#ll sit do9n later on 9hen you hear 9hat I#ve got to say G and you#ll sit do9n hard6 )etter do it grace4ully 9hile you can6 O (e pushes her gently into the armchair6P I don#t understand6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

"ou 9ill6 &y dear little Ilona( in s3ite o4 the 4act that you are engaged to my young 4riend Adam( you are still carrying on an a44air 9ith &r Almady6

I!ONA O4ith indignationP: It#s an outrageous lie6 TE'AI:

GoodM I thought you 9ere going to say it 9as none o4 my 1usiness6 I couldn#t say that( 1ecause you#re Al1ert#s guardian( guide( 3hiloso3her and 4riend and God Ano9s 9hat else6 And you#re a 4riend o4 mine and 9rite 3lays 4or me6 So I sim3ly say that itDs a lie6 I#m glad you do( 1ecause it#s an o1servation 9hich I can ans9er6 I#ve 1een in this room since last night and the 9alls in this ne9 9ing are as thin as 3a3er6 horrifiedP: Good GodM

I!ONA:

TE'AI:

I!ONA Oloo!s at the 4alls1 As the truth da4ns upon her she is

TE'AI:

7!emon6# OI!ONA hides her face6P 7!emon G Church stee3le6# Well( dear Ilona6 Su33ose 9e talA this overL Some< thing#s got to 1e done G and done KuicAly6 I4 you heard( you heard 9hat I said( too6 Every 9ord6

I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA:

Then you Ano9 that I told him to get out G and he#s getting out today6 At t9elve o#clocA6 So i4 you donDt say anything G and o4 course you 9on#t G Not Kuite so 4ast( 3lease6 I4 the thing 9ere as sim3le as that( you 9ould never have Ano9n 4rom me that I had over< heard you6 I regret to say matters are much more un3leasant6

TE'AI:

I!ONA Osin!ing bac! in chairP: &y GodM "ou don#t mean G L TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

I see you#ve guessed6 %id G did G I can#t say it6 I 9ill say it 4or you6 "es( the 1oy did hear it too6 GodM G e#s here thenL e is here6 WhereL

ShM e#s u3 in &ansAyDs room G aslee36 And last night he 9as in this room G a9aAe6 I#ll taAe veronal( all there is in my 1ottle6 That#s not enough6 Ten ouncesL I 9as not re4erring to the veronal6 I mean suicide is no

I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

solution6
I!ONA:

There isn#t any solution that I could survive6 There are only t9o things I can 3ossi1ly do G Aill mysel4 or deny the

9hole story6
TE'AI:

%eny the 9hole storyL %o you su33ose i4 it 9ere Bust a Kuestion o4 telling lies( I 9ould have trou1led youL I#d have told them mysel4 long ago6 Then 9e come 1acA to the veronal6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

Exactly6 We come 1acA to the veronal G and 4ind it sa4ely tucAed a9ay in its 1ottle6 Well( 9hat do you suggestL I have my 3lan6 And all I asA o4 you is not to hinder it6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

I!ONA Oalmost cryingP: "ou Ano9 I 9orshi3 Al1ert6 I4 any1ody

Ano9s that( you do6 I#ve 1een a di44erent 9oman since I met him6 e looAs on me as a saint6 OTE'AI gi'es her a 5uic! ironic glance6P And he#s right6 I ha'e turned into a saint since I 1egan to love him6 It 9as the only thing I 9anted to do in li4e G to Aee3 straight 4or his saAe6 I 9as so ha33y6 O She sin!s into armchair crying6P I love him so6
TE'AI:

And yet you can#t 1e true to him6

I!ONA OindignantlyP: "ou#ve no right to say that6 It 9as nothing

1ut my damned sentimentality6 "ou Ano9 very 9ell that a44air 9ith that 1east Almady didn#t last a cou3le o4 months6 :irst he gave me 1reathing lessons and taught me ho9 to thro9 my voice G
TE'AI O4ith a significant glanceP: "es( he taught you that( all

right6
I!ONA:

I#m Bust a victim o4 my Aind heart6 I thought I 9as rid o4 him( 1ut he got himsel4 invited here6 And he#s al9ays 1ursting into tears6 A 9oman hates to see a man cry6 e stucA to me liAe a leech6 )ut 9hy on earth 9ould I 9ant to start in 9ith him againL I give you my 9ord( Sandor( that last night 9as sim3ly G liAe the last dying vi1rations o4 a high note6 "ou#d have done 1etter to sto3 vi1rating a little

TE'AI:

earlier6 Still( there it is6 What 9e#ve got to do no9 is get you out o4 the mess6
I!ONA Oruns across to TE'AI and thro4 herself on her !nees,

clasping him beseechinglyP: SandorM Sandor darlingM %o you really thinA you canL
TE'AI:

"es( I can6 )ut don#t thinA IDm doing it 4or your saAe( my dearH not 4or the saAe o4 your 1eauti4ul eyes6 "ou deserve to 1e dra9n and Kuartered6 I#m doing it 4or that 3oor decent 1oy 9ho still retains a 4e9 ideals in this un3leasant 9orld6 "es( my dear Ilona( I thinA I must asA you to 1e a little ashamed o4 yoursel46

I!ONA ObitterlyP: %on#t 9orry6 O2isesP I am6 What can I doL TE'AI Ogoes to telephoneP: I am Bust going to tell you6 And you

9on#t enBoy it6 Still( good medicine#s rarely 3leasant6 O Pic!s up recei'er6P ello6 OTo I!ONA:P What#s the num1er o4 Almady#s roomL
I!ONA Oapprehensi'elyP: What do you 9ant 9ith himL TE'AI Ointo the telephoneP: Give me &r Almady#s room( 3lease6

OPause6P Never mind a1out all that( my good man6 I don#t care 9hat instructions he le4t G call him6 And go on ringing till he ans9ers6 It#s a matter o4 li4e and death6
I!ONA: What are you doingL TE'AI Ointo telephoneP: &r AlmadyL "es( yes( I Ano9 you gave

instructions G Will you 3lease 1e Kuiet 4or a momentL G This is Sandor Turai s3eaAing6 ere in the ne9 9ing G !ast night( 1y car G Good morning G you 9ere a9aAe alreadyM Ca3italM Would you mind coming here at onceL 'oom num1er 4our G "es( I mean no9( right a9ay G "es( matter o4 li4e and death 9as 9hat I said( 1ut I made a slight error6 I should have said a matter o4 death G yes( yes( this very minute < right6 O (e hangs up the recei'er1 I!ONA starts to go6P Where are you o44 toL
I!ONA:

Is Almady coming hereL

TE'AI:

"ou 9ill Aindly stay Bust 9here you 9ere6

I!ONA OlooAing to9ard A!)E'T#S 1edroomP:

e looAed on me as a saint6 e thought I 9as everything that 9as 4ine and 3ure6 e called me his &adonna6 "ou should have thought o4 that a long time ago6 Tell me G 9hat did Al1ert sayL I 9ouldn#t asA that i4 I 9ere you6

TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

GodM What 9as the 3lan you said you hadL G Can#t you s3eaAL Patience6

It#s too cruel G .ust 1ecause I hate hurting 3eo3le#s 4eelings G OShe brea!s off as a !noc! sounds6P Come in6

OA!&A%"( 4ho enters, is also in a state of ner'ous apprehension1 (e is attired in elaborate, not to say loud, house py7amas1 A tall and but recently handsome man, no4 4ell into middle age, A!&A%" is first, last and al4ays the actor1 (e dramatises e'ery moment of his e9istence1 (e does not 4al!, he struts6 he does not tal!, he declaims6P
A!&A%": Good morning6 OSees I!ONA, surprised6P

ullo6 .ou

hereL
TE'AI:

"es( she#s here6 as something ha33enedL

A!&A%": )ut 9hat#s the matterL I!ONA: TE'AI:

Oh( do sit do9n6

e#ll sit do9n Kuite soon enough6 I#m not a4raid o4 his not sitting do9n6

A!&A%": "ou#ll 4orgive me i4 I seem nervous G TE'AI:

Glass o4 1randyL

A!&A%": ThanA you6 Never in the morning6 TE'AI:

&r Almady( you are a married man and the 4ather o4 a 4amily6 And you are 4orcing your attentions on another man#s 4iancQe6

A!&A%" OindignantlyP: It#s an outrageous lie6 TE'AI:

Good6 I thought you 9ere going to say it 9as none o4 my 1usiness6 "ou 9ould have 1een Kuite right6 )ut a lie G no( I#m a4raid that 9on#t do6

A!&A%" Oaggressi'elyP: &r Turai( I 9ould have you Ano9 G TE'AI:

Shut u3M

A!&A%" OoutragedP: DShut u3MD TE'AI OsignificantlyP: D!emonMD OA!&A%" sits do4n abruptly6P I told you he#d sit do9n6 OA!&A%" loo!s at the left 4all6P

"es( Kuite right6 It#s as thin as 3a3er6

A!&A%" OrisesP: No9 come( &r Turai( 1et9een t9o gentlemen G TE'AI:

I 1eg your 3ardonL

A!&A%": As one gentleman to another( I asA your discretion G TE'AI:

Sit do9n6

A!&A%" Ositting do4n an9iouslyP: WhyL Is there something else

comingL
TE'AI:

"es( there is something else coming6 Are you sitting

do9nL
A!&A%": "es6 TE'AI:

Then listen6 I 9asn#t the only one 9ho heard every< thing6 er 4iancQ 9as in this room 9ith me at the time( and his hearing is excellent6

A!&A%" OstranglingP: )randyM

TE'AI Opouring it outP: In the morningL O Gi'es A!&A%" the

brandy6P
A!&A%": I al9ays taAe it in the morning6 O(e gulps it do4n6P I!ONA:

Well( 9hat are you going to do no9( you misera1le idiot( youL "ou see 9hat you#ve done6 "ou#ve driven me to suicide6 Oh( GodM I shall die6 I shall dieM

A!&A%" Orising melodramaticallyP: I#ll die 9ith youM I!ONA:

I don#t 9ant youM I#m going to die alone6

A!&A%" OpompouslyP: I am ready to give him satis4action6 TE'AI:

That#s the last stra96 I#ll tell you 9hat you are going to do6 "ou are going to do Bust as I order6

A!&A%" Ostarting upP: OrderL TE'AI: I!ONA:

Sit do9n6 OA!&A%" sits do4n6P

.es < order6 OTo TE'AI < rapidly:P Tell us( 3lease6 Never mind ho9 much he rants6

A!&A%": 'antsM "ou dare to criticise my dictionL TE'AI:

OhM %amn your dictionM .ust thanA your stars that I#m going to get you out o4 this6 A married manM :ather o4 a 4amily6 With 4our children at home G 4our little lemonsM One 9ord 4rom you( and this telegram( all ready and 9ritten( goes o44 to your 9i4e6 OA!&A%" loo!s again at the 4all and groans6P

I!ONA: TE'AI:

!ooA at him6 %on#t looA at the 9all6 !ast night 9as the time to have done that6 In that room next door G last night G something occurred6 "es( yes( please6 We Ano9 9hat occurred6 That is Bust 9hat you don#t Ano96 "ou are no9 going

I!ONA: TE'AI:

to hear6 What occurred 9as the rehearsal o4 a 3lay6 %o you gras3 my meaningL
I!ONA: TE'AI: A!&A%": TE'AI:

In the middle o4 the nightL In the middle o4 the night6 o9 do you mean G the rehearsal o4 a 3layL

"our very loud remarAs( so loud that they actually 3enetrated the 9all( 9ere dialogue 4rom a 3lay6 No9( do you understandL I do6 OTo A!&A%":P %on#t you G idiotL It#s the most marvellous( 9onder4ul idea( you old darling G OShe is 7ust about to embrace TE'AI( 4hen she stops in consternation6P What#s the matterL It#s no good6 e#d never 1elieve it6

I!ONA:

TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

Why 9ouldn#t he 1elieve itL

I!ONA Oglances 4itheringly at A!&A%"P: Where on earth 9ould

you 4ind a 3lay in it 9ith lines liAe thoseL

TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

WhereL

ere6 OPic!s a script up from the table6P

What do you meanL ere you are6 Who 9rote itL I did6 This morning G 1et9een 4our and six6 WhatMMLL ere#s the 3lay6 This is it6

A4ter all( one is either a 3lay9right or one isn#t6 al4 o4 it I heard through the 9allH the other hal4 I 9rote to 4it6 I 4eel this morning rather liAe an acro1at 9ho 4or once has had the chance to use his sAill to save a li4e6 I don#t su33ose a 3lay has ever 1een 9ritten 9ith such altruistic motives6 Well( there you are6 There#s the 3lay6 'ead it( learn it G and 3lay it6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

Play itM

NaturallyM o9 else can you maAe him 1elieve that 9hat you 9ere saying last night 9as Bust dialogueL There 9ill 1e a dress rehearsal this evening G then the 3er4ormance6

A!&A%": TonightL )ut 9hereL TE'AI:

At the concert( o4 course6 A4ter dinner in the 1all< room6 OTo I!ONA:P "ou#re already do9n 4or something( aren#t youL uously6P A cou3le o4 songs6 O"oo!s at A!&A%" contempt8 e#s to recite some 3oems6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

Oh( my God6 Then there#ll 1e a slight change in the 3rogramme6 e#s going to have to act6 )ut ho9 on earth can I learn all this 1y tonightL

I!ONA:

TE'AI: Well( reallyM "ou Ane9 it 9ell enough last nightM OA!&A%" sighs deeply6P Why do you sighL A!&A%": &r Turai( that 9as a sigh o4 relie46 "ou !no4 my

9i4e6
TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

%idn#t I tell you it 9as a matter o4 deathL

Oh( 1ut listen G 9hat earthly reason could 9e have had 4or rehearsing at three o#clocA in the morningL That#s 9hat I asAed mysel4( and I ans9ered mysel4 G Kuite sim3ly6 "ou had to 3lay the thing tonight6 "ou#d lost a lot o4 time at the 3icnic6 Every moment 9as 3recious6 And you 9ere so conscientious that you insisted on rehearsing 9hen you got home last night even though it 9as three o#clocA in the morning6 Well( 9e#d 1etter get started6 I#m a very slo9 study6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

One minute6 %on#t get excited6 Who#s su33osed to 1e running this concertL

I!ONA: TE'AI:

The Count#s secretary( &r &ell6

We must noti4y him o4 this change in the 3rogramme6 OGoes to telephone6P ello G Give me &r &ell#s room( 3lease6 )ut he#ll 1e aslee36

I!ONA: TE'AI:

Oh( no( my dear6 Not a4ter this tele3hone 1ell has rung once or t9ice6 O(e hands I!ONA the recei'er6P There you are G ladies 4irst6

I!ONA Ota!ing telephoneP: )ut 9hat am I to sayL TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

5ee3 calm6 I#ll 3rom3t you6

elloM Is that &r &ellL "es( it is early( isn#t itL O She loo!s at TE'AI for directions6P Good morning6

I!ONA Ointo telephoneP: Good morning6 TE'AI:

o9 did you slee3L

I!ONA Oher hand o'er the recei'er P: I can-t say that6 The 3oor

man is 4urious6
TE'AI:

Ese your o9n Budgement6

I!ONA Ointo the telephone in her most seducti'e manner P: %ear

&r &ellM OCoos6P I#m so dread4ully sorry to 9aAe you u3 at this hour( 1ut I 9anted to tell you that there 9ill 1e a little change in the 3rogramme tonight6 I#m sure the Count 9ill 1e 3leased6 I#m sure you 9ill 1e 3leased6 I#m sure the audience 9ill 1e 3leased6
TE'AI:

Enanimous6

I!ONA Ointo the telephoneP: Instead o4 9orAing alone( I#m going

to a33ear 9ith &r Almady6 "es( &r Almady6 In an extremely 9itty( charming( 1rilliant little duologue6 OTE'AI bo4s6 I!ONA listens at the telephone for a moment then she turns to TE'AI and as!s, as if she 4ere still spea!ing to &E!!P What

Aind o4 a 3lay is itL

TE'AI:

:rench6

I!ONA Ointo the telephoneP: :rench6 OAs before6P Who 9rote itL TE'AI: I!ONA:

Geraldy6 Geraldy( I 1elieve G OPause6P Oh( isn#t that niceM

TE'AI Oapprehensi'eP: What#s niceL I!ONA Ohand o'er recei'erP:

e says he Ano9s every line that

Geraldy ever 9rote6

TE'AI:

Then it#s 1y Sardou6

I!ONA Ointo the telephoneP: No I#m sorry6 I#ve Bust 1een looAing

at the scri3t again6 It#s not 1y GeraldyH it#s 1y Sardou6

TE'AI:

The Great Sardou6

I!ONA Ointo the telephoneP: The Great SardouM G IndeedL TE'AI:

o9 is he u3 on SardouL e says the only thing o4 Sardou#s he

I!ONA Oco'ering recei'erP:

Ano9s is 7 edda Ga1ler#6

TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA:

That#s the man 4or usM That#s the man 4or usM No( no( noM

Good1ye( and thanA you so much( &r &ell6 "ou#ve 1een so s9eet6 G Oh( o4 course G as i4 9e#d dream o4 having any1ody 1ut you as a 3rom3ter G The titleL 7A Tooth :or a Tooth6# 7A Truth :or a G No( no6 Tooth( toothM 7A Tooth :or a Tooth# G "es( isn#t itL Ruite sna33y6

TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA:

Well( good1ye6 O(angs up6P Why a :rench 3ieceL

TE'AI:

So that no1ody 9ill Ano9 9ho 9rote it6 That#s the 1eauty o4 :rench literature6 There#s so much o4 it6 )esides( one has one#s conscience( you Ano96 I#ve stolen so much 4rom the :rench in my time that it#s only 4air I should give them something 4or a change6 Oh( AlmadyM So that no one 9ill recogni=e my hand9riting( it 9ill 1e necessary 4or you to co3y out the scri3t6

A!&A%": All o4 itL TE'AI:

:rom 1eginning to end6

A!&A%": "ou thinA o4 everything6 TE'AI:

T9o co3iesM

I!ONA O4ho has been loo!ing through the scriptP: Oh( 1ut this

isn#t rightM
TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

What isn#t rightL

This line6 "ou have me say( I"our Aiss is revolting to me6J What I really said 9as G IThat 9as your old Aiss6 S9eet and 1urning liAe hot 3unch6J I Ano96 &y memory is excellent6 )ut 4ortunately 9e got the 1oy out o4 the room 1e4ore you got that 4ar6 1e descri1ed as revoltingL

A!&A%": And may I 1e 3ermitted to inKuire 4hy my Aiss should TE'AI:

The line occurs in the second 3art o4 the 3lay( 9here I 9as relying on my native ins3iration6

A!&A%": "ou call my Aiss revoltingL I 9ish to Ano9 9hy6 TE'AI:

That is ho9 I see it6 I am the author o4 this 3lay( and that is my o3inion o4 your Aiss6 I do thinA you might have made some noise to 9arn us6 Why couldn#t you have coughed or somethingL

I!ONA:

TE'AI:

Su33ose I had( 9hat should I have 1een a1le to do no9L "ou overlooA the 4act that your very 4irst 9ords( my dear Ilona( le4t no room 4or misunderstanding6 I4 I had sto33ed you then nothing could have averted the tragedy6

A!&A%": What a 1rainM TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

"ou 4latter meM

No( he doesn#t6 e#s right 4or once6 %id this idea come to you the moment you heard usL No( I got it 4rom you6 :rom usL

"es( stu3id o4 me( I admit6 "ou see( I al9ays assume the 1est o4 my 4ello9 men6 And Bust 4or a minute I did thinA that you really 9ere acting6 !ater on( I reali=ed my mistaAe6 "ou thought 9e 9ere acting6 WhyL

I!ONA: TE'AI:

)ecause it all sounded so arti4icial6 No ring o4 con< viction6 I re4er 3articularly to the more erotic 3assages6 I don#t 9onder6 Considering I don#t care one little 1it 4or the man6

I!ONA:

A!&A%": What#s thatL I!ONA:

"ou heard6

A!&A%": "ou don#t love meL I!ONA:

NoM

A!&A%": So you 9ere lyingM I!ONA:

"es6

A!&A%": .ust to get rid o4 meL I!ONA:6

"es6 I hate the sight o4 you6

A!&A%" Osobs bitterlyP: Ser3entM

I!ONA: TE'AI:

I#d liAe to murder youM %oesn#t it tear your heart to hear a strong man 9ee3L

A!&A%": What made you reali=e that 9e 9ere not actingL TE'AI:

The disgusting slo33y 9ay you s3oAe to her6 No author living 9ould dare 3ut such slush into the mouth o4 an actor 9ho is su33osed to 1e maAing love6

A!&A%": SlushL TE'AI:

Etter slushM

A!&A%": Allo9 me to in4orm you G TE'AI:

Shut u3M

A!&A%": Oh( very 9ell6 TE'AI:

&y 4riends may 1e here any minute no96 Please go and study your 3arts6 O To I!ONA( 4ho has been turning o'er the lea'es of the script:P That#s a 1it you#ll have to learn 3articularly 9ell6 WhichL

I!ONA: TE'AI:

These lines here6 This loathsome series o4 s3eeches G the ones 9e overheard last night6 OPointsP :rom there to there6 Odd G I hardly remem1er G I do6 Nor is your 4iancQ liAely to have 4orgotten6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

I!ONA OreadingP: II 9orshi3 you6 I adore you6 I love you as the

church stee3le loves the cloud that settles on its summit6J OA!&A%" turns a4ay, embarrassed6 P .ust 9ordsM
A!&A%" Ota!es scriptP: I"ou have used me u3 and sKuee=ed me

liAe a lemon6J
I!ONA:

"es( no9 I remem1er G

A!&A%": It#s all do9n6 Word 4or 9ord6 OTE'AI ta!es script6P

TE'AI:

"es( the 3assage is underlined in red inA6 Three 3ages G here G 4rom 3age sixteen6 It goes on( ICome here and let me Aiss that 1eauti4ul classic 1ro9J G and then G this is the 9orst 1it( here G this mad out1urst o4 sensuality G O 2eads rapidly:P IWhen I looA at that G at the 3er4ect sha3e6 The rose 4lush o4 that sAin G .ust to stroAe itM G J "es( 1ut I said G

I!ONA: TE'AI:

I Ano9( I Ano96 O2eads:P I ands o44MJ you said6 )ut he evidently didn#t o1ey you 1ecause he goes on( I&y GodM o9 round it isM o9 smoothM o9 velvetyMJ And then he must have gotten very close( indeed( 1ecause his next remarA is IAnd ho9 4ragrantMJ That#s right( isn#t itL

A!&A%": Ruite right6 It 9as 4ragrant6 I!ONA: TE'AI:

"es( 1ut I did try to G

No( my dear( you did not6 There 9as a com3lete silence until you 9ere heard to exclaim( I"ou mustn#t 1iteMJ OI!ONA rises6 A!&A%" turns a4ay6P "es( I should thinA you 9ould 1e ashamed o4 yourselves6 All right( thenH co3y it( learn it( and 3lay it6 And i4 you ever studied 3arts in your lives( study these6 I#ll give you run<through here at seven<thirty G and Ilona G remem1er( 9e haven#t seen each other 4or three months6 All right( three months6 O&9it6P

I!ONA:

A!&A%": A colossal 1rainM TE'AI Obo4sP: ThanA you6

OA!&A%" follo4s I!ONA off1 TE'AI sits at table and resumes his interrupted brea!fast1 Throughout the follo4ing scene he goes on eating 5uietly, deliberately, and 4ith apparent good appetite1 &ANS5" enters dressed in 4hite flannels1 (e is more doleful and de7ected than e'er6P
&ANS5":

ave you 1een u3 longL

TE'AI:

I couldn#t slee36 OGoes on eating6P

o9 is the in4antL

&ANS5": WoAe u3 a moment ago6 I le4t him dressing6 TE'AI:

"ou had 1reaA4ast yetL

&ANS5": Not a mouth4ul6 Couldn#t touch it6 "ou seem to have

no di44iculty in 3utting it a9ay6

TE'AI O4ith moc! sadnessP: One must Aee3 u3 one#s strength6 &ANS5": I#m ama=ed( and( i4 I may say so( a little shocAed6

Sitting there gorging as i4 nothing had ha33ened6 Can#t you reali=e 9e#re a1solutely ruinedL I#m 3ositively ill thinAing a1out it6
TE'AI OmysteriouslyP: Shall I let you into a secret( &ansAyL &ANS5" O4ith e9cited anticipationP: "es6 Tell me6 TE'AI O4ith great deliberationP: I am a man 9ho 9eighs his

9ords6 I do not s3eaA lightly6 And I say to you solemnly( my 4riend G O/ramatic pauseP G that this is the 1est 1it o4 ham I#ve ever tasted6
&ANS5" OfuriousP: )ahM OCrosses to a mirror6P TE'AI Ocontinuing as beforeP: .uicy G nutty G 3ositively good6

OSolicitously6P %id the 1oy slee3 at allL

&ANS5": TE'AI:

e dro33ed o44 a1out daylight out o4 sheer exhaustion6 O"oo!s in the glass6P I#m 3ale6 Say anythingL "ou Ano9(

&ANS5": Not a 9ord6 Bust stared at the ceiling6

that#s 1ad6
TE'AI:

Ceilings aren#t so 1ad6 Walls are much 9orse6

&ANS5": What I can#t understand is 9hy a magni4icent 3lace

liAe this should have 9alls liAe tissue<3a3er6

TE'AI:

AhM These are dee3 9aters6

&ANS5": %o sto3 eatingM TE'AI:

)ut I haven#t 4inished6 O"oo!s in the glass6P &y

&ANS5": Go11le<go11le<go11leM

God( I am 3aleM
TE'AI:

Suits you6 Intellectual 3allor6

&ANS5": What a1out that solution you 9ere hinting at last

nightL
TE'AI:

There 9ere several 3ossi1ilities6 I considered them all thoroughly in the night 9atches G 9hile you lay snoring in your 1ed6 Oh( yes( I heard you 9hile I 9as changing my clothes6 OPoints to the table6P Telegrams( letters( all ready6 :inally I hit on the 1est and sim3lest 3lan6

&ANS5": Which isL TE'AI:

I#m going to do everything 3ossi1le to maAe him 1reaA 9ith her6

&ANS5": What 4orL TE'AI:

)ecause that#s the surest 9ay o4 1ringing them to< gether6 I4 he casts her o44 4orever( in t9o 9eeAs he#ll 1e rushing a4ter her and 4alling at her 4eet6 The lady( a4ter a little coaxing( 9ill allo9 hersel4 to melt6 e 9ill coax a little more6 She 9ill melt a little more6 :inally she 9ill melt altogether G and the curtain 9ill 4all on the lovers# slo9 em1race6 night( did youL

&ANS5" O4ith cumulati'e contemptP: "ou thought o4 that in the TE'AI:

I did6

&ANS5": All 1y yoursel4L TE'AI:

All 1y mysel4L

&ANS5": WellMMM I#ve noticed all this 3ast year that you#ve 1een

sli33ing6 I reali=e no9 that you#ve com3letely lost your gri36 Our last sho9 died the death sim3ly 1ecause you 9ould 9rite 3sychology into it6 And no9 you#ve 1ecome sim3ly drivelling6 It#s a great shocA to me6 %o you Ano9 9hatDs ha33eningL !ittle 1y little you#re 1eginning to thinA G and that s3ells ruin 4or 1oth o4 us6 aven#t you gras3ed yet 9hat a 4right4ul AnocA< do9n 1lo9 last night#s a44air 9as to that 1oyL
TE'AI:

ShM ere he isM O&nter A%A&6 (e is also in 4hite flannels1 $ery solemn and miserable1 Pause1 (e passes them 4ithout a 4ord and goes to balcony6P ulloM Not even a good morningL Oh( good morning6

A%A&:

OTE'AI risesH &ANS5" loo!s longingly at brea!fast things6P

&ANS5" Oto A%A& 4ith his best bedside manner P:

ad 1reaA<

4astL
A%A&:

No6 O&ANS5" goes to table and sits do4n6 starts to Slee3L No6

eat6P
TE'AI: A%A&: TE'AI:

Nor did I6 OA%A& loo!s at the 4all6P No6 Nothing 4rom there6 Not another sound6 e le4t and she 9ent to slee36 , didn#t on your account6 OTo &ANS5":P ulloM A33etite 3icAing u3L can#t s9allo96 Too nervous6 I#m a 9recA6

&ANS5" Ostarting guiltily and pushing his plate a4ay P: No6 I TE'AI: A%A&:

Try the ham6

I G my dear Encle Sandor G 6 I don#t 9ant to 1e a 1urden to you t9o any longer G no9 that my li4e has 1een 1lo9n to 1its6 Come( come( comeM

TE'AI:

A%A&: TE'AI: A%A&:

I mean it6 I Ano9 9hat I#m talAing a1out6 There#s a great cracA in my heart( and G Come no9( 1e a man6 We had enough o4 that sort o4 talA last night6 Tell me Bust 9hat is it you 9ant to doL )e4ore anything else( I 9ant to get a9ay 4rom this Ruite reasona1le6 And thenL 3lace6

TE'AI: A%A&: TE'AI: A%A&:

Then I#ll tear u3 the music I 9rote 4or her G tear it into little 1its and 1urn it6 'ight6 And a4ter thatL

%on#t 1e so casual6 "ou Ano9 I have no1ody in the 9orld 1ut you G you t9o6 I4 you hadn#t 1een here( I#d have ended things long ago6 Oto &ANS5"( 4ho has once more started on the brea!8 fastP: That#s right6 PecA a 1it6 It#s no good6 A1solutely can#t s9allo96 I#m a very sicA man6 "ou seeL I#m to 1lame 4or that6

TE'AI

&ANS5" O7umping upP: No6 A%A&: TE'AI:

No9 listen to me( my 1oy6 Sit do9n6 OA%A& sits6P What has ha33ened( has ha33ened6 It#s over( done 9ith( a thing o4 the 3ast6 And I#m going to say something to you no9 9hich no young 3erson 9ill ever 1elieve6 "ou#re t9enty<4ive and you#re gi4ted6 The 9orld#s at your 4eet6 And that 9orld( let me remind you( contains a great many million 9omen6 What good are they to meL I only 9anted this one6 Can#t 9e get a9ay no9 G at onceL I 9on#t see herM Oh( yes you 9illM Every1ody Ano9s she#s your 4iancQe6 And you 9on#t run a9ay no96 &ind you( I a1solutely 4or1id any sort o4 reconciliation 9ith herH 1ut you 9ill 1ehave to9ard her Kuite naturally and nicely6 I Ano9 it#s going to hurt

A%A&: TE'AI:

G it#s a 1itter 3ill to s9allo96 )ut( remem1er( today you#re a man6

A%A&: TE'AI:

"es( you#re right6

E3 9ith the head and out 9ith the chin and damn every1odyM That#s the stu446 The day a4ter tomorro9( 9hen 9e leave( you shall 9rite her a letter( and let yoursel4 go as much as you liAe6 And( no matter ho9 it may hurt( you have 4inished 9ith that 9oman 4orever6 much( don#t 1e a4raid that I#ll go 1acA to her6 I#ll al9ays have 3lucA enough to 3ut a 1ullet through my head6

A%A& O9ith an e44ortP: ,ery 9ell6 And i4 it should hurt too

&ANS5": ThereM See 9here you have got us to 9ith your 3sych<

ology6
TE'AI Oto A%A&P: "ou ought to 1e ashamed o4 yoursel46 A%A& OsmilinglyP: It#s all right6 It 9as silly o4 me to talA non<

sense liAe that6 I 9on#t let you do9n6 "ou shall 1e satis4ied 9ith me6
&ANS5": Good6 Then you 9on#t G er G tear anything u3L A%A&: TE'AI: A%A&: TE'AI:

No6

"ou#ll 1ehave to9ard Ilona as i4 nothing had ha33ened6 "es6 onour 1right6

I am satis4ied6

&ANS5" Ositting do4n to brea!fast, a completely changed man P:

It#s an enormous relie4 to me to see you getting hold o4 your< sel4 again so ca3itally6 O&ats rapidly6P )less my soul( yes( an enormous relie46 I really 4eel a little 1etter6
TE'AI:

I#m 3roud o4 you6 4inished 1reaA4ast yetL

OTo &ANS5":P

aven#t you

&ANS5" OdelightedP: I can s9allo96 TE'AI:

So I notice6

&ANS5": Come and Boin me( my 1oy6 "ou#ll 4ind your a33etite steals 1acA( little 1y little6 OTo TE'AI:P e#s su44ering6 e

can#t get over it6

TE'AI:

We must try to maAe him6

&ANS5": Come on( my 1oy G Bust a mouth4ul6 Try a little o4

this excellent ham6

A%A&:

I don#t 9ant any ham6

&ANS5": Well( a slice o4 chicAen( then G and some nice hot tea

9ith a dro3 o4 1randy6

A%A&:

Oh( all right6 OSits do4n6P

&ANS5" Oto TE'AIP: Well( 9hat#s on your mindL A%A&:

A4ter trying to cheer me u3( are you going to 1e de3ressed yoursel4L e#s got another G

&ANS5": %o you Ano9 9hat I thinA#s the matter 9ith himL TE'AI:

"ou 9in6 Another 3ro1lem6

&ANS5": TheatreM TE'AI:

As usual6

&ANS5": Good !ordM TE'AI:

!ast night I 9as thinAing ho9 hard it is to 1egin a 3lay6 No9 I#m thinAing ho9 hard it is to 4inish a second act6

&ANS5": Oh( come and 4inish your 1reaA4ast6 TE'AI:

No( no6 This is interesting6 TaAe this situation o4 ours G Bust as 9e did last night6 We#ve had a curious ex3erience6 We arrived here 3er4ectly ha33y( and immediately got a terri1le

shocA G a ghastly disillusionment6 Oh( 9e#ve managed to survive it( and 9e#ve got ourselves in hand again6 )ut( su33ose all this had ha33ened not in real li4e 1ut on a stage6 Su33ose this 9ere not a real room( 1ut a 3ainted set6 Su33ose 9e three 9ere characters in a 3lay 9ho had Bust 3assed through the ex3eriences that 9e have Bust 3assed through6
&ANS5": WellL TE'AI:

Well( ho9 9ould you end the actL

&ANS5": &y dear 4ello9M It#s ended already6 TE'AI:

Well( in a 9ay( yes6 )ut( at the last moment( Bust 1e4ore the curtain actually 4alls( you need a ne9 note o4 sus3ense6 The act must end( and yet it mustn#t Kuite end G i4 you Ano9 9hat I mean6 Well( my distinguished colla1orator( you#ve o4ten told me ho9 good you are6 Try your hand at ending the second act o4 this dismal adventure o4 ours6 No9 then6 I#m all 4or the Kuiet curtain6 One o4 those charming delicate things the :rench do so 9ell6 "ou Ano9 G so3histicated G lightly sentimental G the smile 1ehind the tear6 The three 4riends sit do9n to 1reaA4ast6 Audiences al9ays liAe to see actors eating6 The storm has 3assed6 The sAies are still a little darA( 1ut there is sunlight in the heart G and all that sort o4 thing6 !et this sinA in 4or a 1it G everything very co=y and 3leasant6 O#otices 4ine8glass on table6P We each have a glass o4 9ine6 :or a moment G silence G their thoughts are 1usy 9ith 9hat has 3assed6 O Pause6P Ca3ital6 And then G O(e raises his glass6P G you 9ant a cou3le o4 smart lines( s3oAen 9ith something o4 a 4lourish6 O Thin!s6P Oh( 9ellG 6 &y young 4riend( today you have 1ecome a man G

&ANS5": Sim3licity itsel46

TE'AI Opointing to 4here he 4as sitting at the timeP: I said that6 &ANS5": :or G al9ays remem1er G TE'AI:

"es( that sho9s #em it#s coming6

&ANS5" Onot heeding himP: Al9ays remem1er that in a44airs o4

the heart it is not the 4irst victory that maAes us men( 1ut the 4irst de4eat6 O"ifts his glass6P To Woman#s Treachery( 9hich has made our child a manM O 2aises his hand to4ard the Curtain6P Curtain6 OCurtain starts to come do4n1 They put their glasses do4n on the table simultaneously, untasted 6P o9#s thatL
TE'AI:

'ottenM OStops Curtain 4ith a motion1 Curtain slo4ly goes up again6P Tame6 :ee1le6 Nothing in the nature o4 a high s3ot6 I#m not saying it isn#t 3retty and grace4ul6 Charming even( 1ut it lacAs sus3ense6 OPause1 To A%A&:P o9 9ould you do itL IL :eeling as I do no9L Give us your idea6

A%A&: TE'AI:

A%A& O4ith tremendous intensityP: ,ery 9ell( I#ll give you my

idea6 We start 4rom 9here &ansAy gave that toast6

&ANS5": To Woman#s G L A%A& OrisesP: Treachery6 That#s it6 I#d say G INo6 I 9onDt drinA

any toast6J OThro9s glass against the 9all( smashing it to 1its6P

&ANS5" Oappro'inglyP: E44ective6 A%A&

Orapidly losing control of himself and becoming hystericalP: That 9oman 9as not Bust an incident in my li4e6 She 9as my 4irst great 3assion6 I 3romised to act as i4 nothing had ha33ened6 I meant to Aee3 that 3romise6 )ut 9hen I remem1er that I gave her my li4e and that she 9his3ers 9ords o4 love to another man G and G and Aisses another man( that#s such un1eara1le( 1urning torture( that the only right solution G OGrabs a small game car'ing !nife from the table6P eyM Sto3 thatM

TE'AI Oleaping for4ardP:

A%A& Ostruggling 4ith himP: NoM NoM &ANS5" Orushing for4ardP: &y GodM "ou 9eren#t really G

A%A& OstrugglingP: !et me go6 I 9ant to die6 OTE'AI has got the !nife a4ay from him1 (e loo!s at it intently1 A%A&

stands, pale and defiant6P

TE'AI: What the devil do you thinA you#re doingL A%A& ObitterlyP: .ust G 4inishing the act6 O (e sits do4n1 &ANS5" follo4s him and sits do4n1 Smiles 4anly 6P CurtainM

OCurtain starts to come do4n6P

TE'AI Ostopping Curtain 4ith a motionP: ,ery 1ad6 OCurtain

goes up again6P &y dear young 4ello96 "ou sim3ly can#t 9i3e out the young love interest at the end o4 the second act 9ith a 1read Ani4e6 That#s crude6 And there are the critics6 O Cringes6P The critics disliAe 1loodshed6 I4 there is to 1e any slaughter( they 3re4er to attend to it themselves6 No( no( my 1oy6 What 9e need is sus3ense6 Sus3ense G and a KuicA curtain6
&ANS5": And no9( I su33ose( you could sho9 us ho9 it really

ought to 1e doneL
TE'AI Ogoes to telephoneP:

ello6 Will you give me &iss Ilona S=a1o#s room( 3lease6 OBell sounds in I!ONA#S room6P
&ANS5": What on earth G L I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI: I!ONA: TE'AI:

ello6 ello6 IlonaL "es6 Who is that s3eaAingL %on#t you recogni=e my voiceL This is Sandor Turai6

Oh( ho9 9onder4ulM Are you here( thenL Where are you s3eaAing 4romL "es6 I#m right here in the castle6 Next door to you6 Num1er 4our6 What a 3er4ectly delight4ul sur3rise6 We came 1y car last night6 All three o4 us6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

I!ONA: TE'AI:

"ou don#t mean Al1ert( tooL

"es G and &ansAy( i4 you thinA that 9orth mention< ing6 We#re all three here in this room( and 9e#ve 1rought you the 4inished scri3t o4 the o3eretta6 &arvellousM That#s something liAe a sur3riseM

I!ONA: TE'AI:

We 9ere hesitating a1out 9aAing you so early( 1ut I 3articularly 9anted to see you a1out something6 Can you come in here 4or a minuteL O2eplaces recei'er and goes to door1 &nter I!ONA 4ith assumed 7oy and e9citement6P Well( this is 9onder4ul o4 you all6 OShe !isses TE'AI lightly and crosses 5uic!ly to A%A& 4ho !isses her hands6P What a sur3rise6 Al1ert( darlingM This is a sur3rise6 SandorM To thinA that it#s G Three 9hole months G

I!ONA:

TE'AI: I!ONA:

Three 9hole months since I#ve seen you6 o9 1ro9n you#re looAing6 And younger than ever6 !et me looA at you6 Wonder4ulM OShe crosses to &ANS5" and !isses him on each chee!6P And &ansAy G ho9 are you( &ansAy dearL I thinA this is too s9eet o4 you all6 "ou don#t Ano9 ho9 I#ve 1een longing to see you6 When did you get hereL door into her room6P Why( &r AlmadyM O4 all 3eo3leM Won#t you come inL O&nter A!&A%"6P

TE'AI O'ery gra'elyP: .ust a minute( Ilona6 O (e loo!s through

A!&A%" Oner'ouslyP: Good morning6 TE'AI:

:ancy 4inding you here a4ter all these years6

A!&A%" OpompouslyP: Passing through6 .ust 3assing through6 I

only 9anted to say ho9<d#you<do to the Count( 1ut they 9ouldn#t let me go6 The G er G the shooting<3arty you Ano9( and the concert6 They insisted on my staying6
I!ONA:

I 9as so sur3rised to see him6

TE'AI:

Pardon me 4or distur1ing you and 3ossi1ly casting a slight gloom on 9hat must have 1een a Boy4ul reunion( 1ut I have something rather im3ortant to say6 What do you meanL Nothing G nothing un3leasant( I ho3eL

I!ONA: TE'AI:

"es G extremely un3leasant6 O (e motions them to sit do4n6P Well( then6 We arrived here last night G O "ong pause6P And Bust no9 9e 9ere sitting having 1reaA4ast G 9e three G 6 Weren#t 9eL

A%A& OpuzzledP: "es6 &ANS5": WellL TE'AI:

5ee3 Kuite calm( 3lease6 We 9ere sitting here( having 1reaA4ast G all three o4 us6 O (e lo4ers his 'oice and spea!s 'ery earnestly6P I must entreat you all to hear 9hat I am a1out to say Kuite calmly G %on#t lose your heads G :or God#s saAe G

I!ONA:

A!&A%" OuneasilyP: What is itL TE'AI Oholds up his handP: PleaseM O/ead silence6P What I am

a1out to say G and I shall not detain you long no9 G must almost inevita1ly have a shattering e44ect on the lives G 1oth the 3rivate and the 3ro4essional lives G o4 all o4 us 4ive 3eo3le6 I have asAed mysel4 G is it 9ise to s3eaAL And I have ans9ered mysel4 G 9ise or not( it is unavoida1le6 Ilona G I have a Kuestion to asA you G O Brea!s off1 /ead silence1 Then 'ery simply to &ANS5":P o9#s that 4or sus3enseL
&ANS5": "es6 WellL What no9L TE'AI:

Nothing6 That#s all6 OSmiles6P CurtainM OCurtain comes do4n 4hile he offers I!ONA his arm1 The rest of the group breathe again and rela9 their tension 6P We#ve Bust 1een having an argument a1out the 3ro3er 9ay to end a second act6

CE'TAIN

ACT T 'EE

As the Curtain rises it re'eals the room lighted up by the electric sconces and candelabra1 A large and elaborately painted screen in sil'er and green has been placed in front of the 4indo41 ,t is painted to suggest an orchard1 The screen shuts out the 'ie4 of the Mediterranean, but to the left and right of it 4e glimpse the lighted esplanade, and many more t4in!ling lights than in the first act, for it is early e'ening1 There are t4o garden chairs in front of the screen in the raised portion of the room6 other4ise the scene is unchanged1 &' &E!!, the Count-s secretary, and the master of ceremonies, enters1 (e is a fussy, pale young man 4ith a high pitched 'oice1 (e 4ears glasses and is in e'ening clothes1 (e is carrying a 4ic!er table, and carrying it 4ith difficulty and discomfort1 (e places it bet4een the t4o 4ic!er chairs in front of the screen and stands caressing his hands 4here the table has cut into them1
&E!! OcallsP: %9ornitscheA6 OTo himself:P Where is that manL

OCalls:P %9ornitscheA6
%WO'NITSC E5#S ,OICE : Coming( sir( coming6 O%WO'NIT< SC E5 enters from the hall, follo4ed by a !AC5E"6 They are

both in formal, full dress li'ery of 4hite 4ith !nee breeches, and po4dered 4igs1 %WO'NITSC E5 carries a boo!, t4o letters, a scarf and a 4oman-s hat1 The !AC5E" carries a tall bro4n hunting hat, 4hip, gauntlets and a large, luscious peach6P
&E!!:

Oh( there you are at last6 Why are you so lateL

%WO'NITSC E5: I 4ell do9nstairs( sir6 &E!!:

Well( that oughtn#t to have taAen you long6 O(e fiddles 4ith the screen6P &ell6

%WO'NITSC E5: "ou should have let me carry those things( &r &E!!:

I couldn#t 9ait6 "ou are so slo96

%WO'NITSC E5: Slo9 1ut sure( sir6 O(e puts things on table6P

When I 9as a lad( my aunt used to say <

&E!!:

I don#t 9ant to hear a1out your aunt6

%WO'NITSC E5: No( sir6 ,ery 4e9 3eo3le do6 &E!!:

ave you got all the 3ro3ertiesL

%WO'NITSC E5: Pro3s( sir( is the more 3ro4essional ex3ression6 &E!!:

I 9as using the more technical term G 3ro3erties or 3ro3s( have you got themL

Well(

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 )ooA G &E!!:

G Peach G

%WO'NITSC E5: G Scar4 G &E!!:

G Whi3 G

%WO'NITSC E5: G T9o letters and a 3air o4 gloves6 &E!!:

Good6 OMops his forehead6P Oh( dear( 9hat a head< ache I#m getting6

%WO'NITSC E5: What you need is an as3irin6 &E!!:

ave you an as3irinL

%WO'NITSC E5: No( sir6 &E!!:

"ou#re a great hel36

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you( sir6 I4 I might 1e allo9ed to say

so( you let yoursel4 get too nervous on these 4estive nights( sir6 "ou 9orry6
&E!!:

o9 can I hel3 9orrying 9ith all the res3onsi1ility there is on my shouldersL today6 Things may 1e 9orse tomorro9( and then you can 9orry t9ice as hard6

%WO'NITSC E5: What I al9ays say is G never 9orry too much

&E!!:

It does maAe me so nervous 9hen 3eo3le 9ant to alter the 3rogramme at the last moment6 :irst &iss S=a1o says she#s going to sing( then she says she#s going to act G O (e brea!s off as A!&A%" enters6P Good evening( sir( good evening6 "ou are 4irst in the 4ield6 directly6 They#re dressing6

A!&A%" OgrouchilyP: Good evening6 The others 9ill 1e here &E!!:

A 9onder4ul shooting 3arty today( sir6 Ca3ital s3ort( ca3ital6 There is nothing liAe a good 1risA day out in the o3en 9ith the guns6 What a colour it has given you6

A!&A%": I 9asn#t there6 &E!!:

EhL OhM Not thereL

A!&A%": No( I#ve 1een in my room all day( 9riting6 &E!!:

Pardon my curiosity( 1ut may one asA 9hat you 9ere

9ritingL
A!&A%": No( one may not6 %WO'NITSC E5: &E!!:

I thinA the gentleman does not 9ish to say 9hat he 9as 9riting( sir6 Oh( you are still thereL

%WO'NITSC E5: "es( sir6 Still here6 &E!!:

Then go a9ay6

%WO'NITSC E5: 'eally( I shouldn#t 9orry( &r &ell6 !ooA on

the 1right side( sir6

&E!!:

All very 9ell 4or you6 "ou have no res3onsi1ilities( and the guests give you 1ig ti3s6 That is the 1right side( sir6 O (e goes out follo4ed by the !AC5E"6P A secretary#s li4e is a dog#s li4e( &r Almady6 WorA( 9orA( 9orA( 4rom morning till night( and never a 9ord o4 thanAs6 "ou are very silent( &r Almady6 sel4 one o4 these days6 I taAe it the concert 1egins directly a4ter dinnerL

%WO'NITSC E5: &E!!:

A!&A%": I sometimes 4ind it soothing to 1e silent6 Try it your<

&E!!:

Immediately 4ollo9ing the serving o4 co44ee6

A!&A%": And 9hen does this G this 3lay o4 ours come onL &E!!:

It is the last item on the 3rogramme6 The 3lace o4

honour6
A!&A%": )ahM &E!!:

SirL

A!&A%" Oabsorbed in his part 4hich he is studyingP: Nothing6 &E!!:

&iss S=a1o tells me that no scenery is reKuired 1ut t9o elegant chairs and one elegant ta1le6

A!&A%": Is that an elegant ta1leL &E!!:

Well( really no6 )ut 9hat can one ex3ect in a gardenL Oh G i4 only the scene had 1een an interior( there#s some 3er4ectly lovely 4urniture in the CountDs room G genuine !ouis the :i4teenth6 A very elegant 3eriod( !ouis the :i4teenth6 They#re all the same to me6 !ouis the :i4teenth or !ouis the :ourteenth or !ouis the Seven< teenth6

A!&A%": I don#t care a damn6

&E!!:

)ut there isn#t a !ouis the Se'enteenth( and I#ve o4ten 9ondered 9hy6 Why( I#ve 9ondered( should there 1e a !ouis the Si9teenth and a !ouis the &ighteenth( 1ut not a !ouis the Se'enteenthL

A!&A%": Oh( God6 AsA a 4urniture dealer6 &E!!:

I did6 I#m al4ays asAing 4urniture dealers6 )ut they only Ano9 as 4ar as !ouis the Si9teenth6 That#s 9here the !ouis sto3 4or 4urniture dealers6 Whenever I say !ouis the Se'enteenth they say you mean the Si9teenth( and I say no( I don#t mean !ouis the Si9teenth( I mean !ouis the Se'enteenth and G OBrea!s off and mops his bro4 6P I#m a4raid I#m talAing a great deal( sir6

A!&A%": Oh( you#ve noticed thatL &E!!:

The 4act is( &r Almady( I#m all a<t9itter6

A!&A%": What have you got to 1e nervous a1outL &E!!:

I#m al9ays liAe this on these 1ig nights6 "ou see I#m res3onsi1le 4or everything and it#s terri1ly 9earing on the nerves6 I#m stage manager( 3ro3erty man and 3rom3ter6 I turn the music( sho9 the ladies to their seats( hand 1ouKuets onto the stage G and I#m ex3ected al9ays to a33laud at the right moment6 I assure you I have o4ten gone to 1ed a4ter one o4 these entertainments 9ith my hands so tender I could scarcely hold my tooth1rush6 "ou 9ill 3ardon me 4or mentioning it( sir( 1ut you don#t seem Kuite your merry old sel4 tonight6 1een addled 4rom studying an in4ernal 3art all day6

A!&A%": I#m as cheer4ul as any man 9ould 1e 9hose 1rain has &E!!:

)ut I thought you said you had s3ent the day 9ritingL

A!&A%": "es( I G I al9ays memori=e a 3art 1y 9riting it out6 &E!!:

What energyM What enthusiasmM ave you a nice 3artL

A!&A%": No6 'otten6

&E!!:

%ear( dear( dearM "ou#ll 4eel 1etter 9hen you hear the a33lause6 We#re great a33lauders here6 We don#t care ho9 1ad an actor is G

A!&A%" OoffendedP: ThanA you6 &E!!:

I 1eg your 3ardon6 I G I don#t mean it liAe that6 O Goes to door of I!ONA#S room and !noc!s6P &iss S=a1o( 3lease6 &iss S=a1o( 3lease6 )eginners( 3lease6 O&nter I!ONA in e'ening dress1 &nter A%A&( 2ight, in dress clothes6P

I!ONA: &E!!:

Well( 9e seem to 1e all here6 Good evening( &iss S=a1o( good evening( good Well( 9e may as 9ell 1egin6

evening6
I!ONA:

A!&A%": Wouldn#t it 1e as 9ell to 9ait 4or &r TuraiL

OBitterly6P Seeing that he is 1eing so Aind as to give us his invalua1le assistance6

I!ONA: &E!!: I!ONA:

e#ll 1e here directly6 Where is the 3rom3terL Present6 Present6 ere#s the scri3t6

&E!! Ogoes to stageP: I ho3e this extem3ore set meets 9ith your

a33rovalL OPointing to screen6P A little idea Kuite my o9n6

I!ONA: A%A&:

Charming6 Al1ert G you seem G you seem G very Kuiet G this evening6 Oh( no( not a 1it6 A little tired( that#s all6 We had rather a long motor drive and I didn#t get much slee3 last night G Please don#t thinA G I#m a4raid our 4riend the secretary is getting restive6 What on earth is the matterL I#m all a<t9itter6

I!ONA: &E!!:

I!ONA: A%A&: I!ONA:

Well( do simmer do9n6 OTo A%A&( 4ho has sat do4n:P Surely you#re not going to stay 4or this rehearsalL I4 you don#t mind6

Oh( I don#t mind6 )ut you#ll 1e thoroughly 1ored6 A silly little :rench 3iece6 "ou#ll 1e seeing it a4ter dinner6 I should have thought once 9ould have 1een enough6 Well( as a matter o4 4act( &r Turai asAed me to stay and hel3 out till he came6 And I 3romised him I 9ould6 .ust as you 3lease6 O $ery ner'ous6P Can#t 9e 1eginL Are the 3ro3s hereL Nothing is ever missing 9hen I am the 3ro3erty man6 There they all are G on the ta1le6 poc!ets the peach and the remaining letter 6P No9 then G let#s start6 The Countess G that#s me G discovered alone6 Seated in chair( reading 1ooA6 OSits do4n1 To A!&A%":P "ou#re not on yet6 OA!&A%" stal!s off6P

A%A&:

I!ONA: &E!!:

I!ONA Ota!es the boo! and letterP: Those are yours6 O A!&A%"

&E!!: I!ONA: &E!!:

%o 9e go on no9L %on#t asA so many Kuestions6 "es( go on6

Curtain rises on a glorious garden6 Period !ouis the :i4teenth6 "ou don#t have to read that6

I!ONA:

&E!! OdoubtfullyP: I al9ays have6 I!ONA: &E!!:

"ou only have to give the actors the s3oAen lines6 No9( that#s very

No9( I never Ane9 that 1e4ore6 interesting6 O(e loo!s stupidly at script6P

A!&A%": What on earth#s the matter no9L I!ONA:

I#m a4raid &r &ell is not much o4 a 3rom3ter6

A%A& Ota!ing script from &E!!P: It#s all right G let me hold the

1ooA6
I!ONA:

No6

A!&A%" OsimultaneouslyP: No( no6 I!ONA: A%A&: I!ONA: A%A&: &E!!:

"ou mustn#t6 What do you meanL I 9on#t have it G Why notL

No dou1t &iss S=a1o means that it is 1eneath the dignity o4 such an im3ortant 3erson6 Please give me the 1ooA6 %o sto3 4ussing6 Can#t you see you maAe them &aAe them nervousL What a1out my nervousnessL nervous6

A%A&: &E!!: A%A&:

I tell you I#ll hold the 1ooA6 And you can do it 4or the 3er4ormance6 %oes that satis4y youL

&E!! Odeeply offendedP: Oh Kuite6 Oh( 3er4ectly G I!ONA Oto A%A&P: No9 you#ve hurt the 3oor man#s 4eelings6

"ou#ve insulted him G

&E!!:

&adam( I#m a secretary6 I s3end all my time receiving

insults6
I!ONA:

OhL Well( letDs 1egin6 O to A!&A%":P "ou#re o446 OAgain A!&A%" stal!s off6P Countess discovered seated in armchair( reading 1ooA6 OTa!es up boo!1 A!&A%" is 4earing the bro4n hat, gauntlets and carrying the riding 4hip6P

A%A& OpromptingP: What a silly G I!ONA Ospea!ing her linesP: What a silly story6 O Closes boo!6P

.ust liAe all novels6

A%A&:

What can I do G

I!ONA Oya4ningP: What can I do to Aill timeL The Count is

al9ays out riding6 Paris seems very 4ar a9ay amidst these slee3y 4ields o4 Normandy6
A%A&:

oo41eats heard o44 G

O&E!! imitates hoofbeats by beating his thighs 4ith his hands6P

I!ONA:

arAM I hear him coming6 Can this 1e my hus1andL Surely he 9ent o44 on his horse to visit our old tenant( honest .acKues )enoit6 O&E!! ma!es the hoofbeats louder and louder1 A!&A%" comes into the scene dramatically, ominously, but his entrance is completely ruined by &E!! continuing the hoof8beats1 A!&A%" stamps his feet impatiently and at last &E!! stops6P

A!&A%": So( madameM I!ONA:

Why( 9hat is the matterL Why do you 4ro9n( my dear

CountL
A!&A%": Why do I 4ro9nL That( madame( you 9ill learn G and

s3eedily( as sure as my name is Count G ( Count G

A%A& OpromptingP: &aurice de ,eyrier G A!&A%": As sure as my name is Count &aurice de ,eyrier de la

Grande Contumace Saint Emilion6

I!ONA:

"ou 4righten me( &aurice6

A!&A%": It is your guilty conscience that 4rightens you(

madame6
A%A&: Traitress6 OI!ONA starts and loo!s at him ner'ously1 A%A& rises6P TraitressM No dou1t you su33osed me a

credulous im1ecile 9hom it 9as sim3le to hood9inA6 O&nter TE'AI and &ANS5"( both in e'ening dress1 I!ONA and A!&A%"( confused by their guilt, for the moment, belie'e

that A%A& is accusing them6P

A!&A%" O'ery embarrassedP: No dou1t G you G I G A%A& Ostill promptingP: "ou thought that any story 9ould do 4or

meL "ou imagined that I 9as 4ool enough to s9allo9 any< thing6
TE'AI Ocoming do4n, horrified, thin!ing that A%A& is ma!ing a

sceneP: WhatMMMM
A%A&: TE'AI: A%A&: &E!!:

Shhhh G OGoes on prompting6P su33osed me a credulous 4ool G

No dou1t you

O<oh O2elie'ed6 he grasps the situation1 Ta!es the script from him6P !et me have that scri3t6 WhyL Aren#t I 3rom3ting 9ellL No6

A!&A%" OsimultaneouslyP: No6 A%A& OruffledP: Nothing liAe 1eing 4ranA6 &E!!:

%on#t taAe it to heart6 Even , 9asn#t good enough 4or Perha3s you#ll tell me 9here I 9ent 9rongL

them6
A%A&:

&E!!: %on#t asA so many Kuestions6 OSeats himself in &E!!#S place6P I#ll taAe on this Bo16 &E!!: &E!!:

Every1ody is so rude6 All right6 :rom 9here you sto33ed6

A!&A%" OgliblyP: Traitress( you have deceived me6 I have long

had my sus3icions6 I have no9 in my 3ossession the 3roo4s6 No dou1t you su33osed me a credulous im1ecile 9hom it 9as sim3le to hood9inA6 "ou thought that any story 9ould do 4or me6 "ou imagined that I 9as a 4ool enough to s9allo9 anything6 !et me tell you( madame( that you are mistaAen6 :or a long time I have sus3ected that there 9as something 1ehind

these rides o4 yours 9ith our neigh1our the &arKuis .ean :rancois Gelette de Tour dDArgent6 %ay a4ter day( 4or hours at a time( you have made a 3ractice o4 riding 9ith him on the road 4rom %unernois Sur SaSne to Saint Sul3ice de la Grande ParmentiTre G and slo9ly at thatM
I!ONA:

It#s a lie6 Who told youL

A!&A%": Silence( 9omanM The 3roo4s are in my 3ocAet6 &on

%ieu( is there no gratitude in this 9orldL When I married you( 9ho 9ere youL A no1ody6 "our 4ather( )rigadier<General Pierre .ean )ourmond de la Seconde<Chaumiere<'am1ouillet( 4ell in 1attle at Grand<!agruyere sur &arne( and you eAed out a scanty living as a seamstress at your mother#s home in the village o4 Saint Genevieve( in the %e3artment o4 Seine et Oise6 So( madameM And then 9hat ha33enedL I came6 I gave you name( ranA and 9ealth such as you had never had dreamed o46 "ou 1ecame &adame !a Countess de ,eyrier de la Grande Contumace Saint Emilion6 I 1esto9ed u3on you not only my estates in Pardu1ien<Grand<Amanoir( 1ut also my t9o castles in Challenges<%e1icourt de la 'omanQe and at 'ivalieux< Ruandamou=ieres sur ,antera aux Al3es &aritimes6 O(e stops, e9hausted6P
TE'AI:

%on#t sto36 What#s 9rongL

OA!&A%" ta!es off his hat and glo'es, puts the 4hip do4n on the table, and stepping out of character, comes do4n to TE'AI6P
A!&A%": It#s these damned :rench names6 They#re 3er4ectly

4right4ul6
TE'AI:

I don#t see 9hat 9e can do a1out it6

A!&A%": "ou surely don#t need them allL TE'AI:

They#re in the scri3t6

A!&A%": )ut I#ll go mad trying to memori=e them6 Titles 9ith

six hy3hens in them and names o4 3laces 9ith a do=en 7aux#

and 7de la#s# and 7surs#6 And( damn it( they#re all in my 3art6 OCho!ing 4ith furyP It#s deadly6 At least let#s leave out that second castle6
TE'AI OcoldlyP: &y dear 4ello9( have you no sense o4 dramatic

constructionL I4 he had given her only one castle( the audience 9ould thinA her 3er4ectly Busti4ied in deceiving him6 I4 he had given her three( they 9ould looA on him as a 3urse<3roud 4ool 9ho didn#t deserve a 4aith4ul 9i4e6 No( t9o is exactly the right num1er6 "ou can#t 1eat Sardou 9hen it comes to techniKue6 Go on( 3lease6 OA!&A%" gi'es up hopelessly and replaces his hat and glo'es and ta!es up the 4hip6P
A!&A%": I made you a countess and a 9ealthy 9oman6 And

9hat return do I getL "ou 1etray me G yes( madame( 1etray me G 9ith my 1est 4riend and nearest neigh1our( the &arKuis .ean :rancois Gelette de la Tour d#Argent( lord o4 Perigord des Cham3ignons and Saint Sul3ice de la Grand ParmentiTre6 O(e brea!s off and remo'es hat and glo'es as before 6P &y God( it#s enough to give a 4ello9 a3o3lexy6
TE'AI OsurprisedP: I 1eg your 3ardonL That doesn#t seem to 1e

in the scri3t6
A!&A%": I#m sorry6 I can#t hel3 it6 It#s these names6 TE'AI:

Well( I#m al9ays o3en to suggestions6 What 9ould you liAe to call the gentlemanL

A!&A%": :och or )riand G or something short liAe that6 TE'AI OsarcasticallyP: Perha3s G ,ichyM Get on( 3lease6 I!ONA Oner'ouslyP: Oh( do let#s get on6 Count( you have said

enough6
TE'AI: I!ONA:

So he seems to thinA6

I 9ill not endure these shame4ul accusations6 "ou are insulting the 9oman 9ho 1ears your name6

A!&A%" Oagain ta!ing off hat and glo'es and putting do4n the

4hipP: It#s a damned shame6

TE'AI:

What isL

A!&A%": I al9ays have to say the 9hole in4ernal thing 4rom

1eginning to end( and she Bust says 7your name#6

TE'AI OcoldlyP: We#re 9asting time6 A!&A%": Another 9ord( madame( and I 3roduce the 3roo46 I!ONA OlaughingP: The 3roo4L One is amused6 One smiles6 A!&A%": A smile 9hich I 9ill maAe to die u3on your li3s6

)eholdM The 3roo4M O(e fiddles in his coat8tail poc!et from 4hich he belatedly ta!es the peach 4ith sinister flourish6P
I!ONA O4ith insincere terrorP: Ah( gracious heavenM The 3eachM A!&A%" Olays the peach on tableP: "es( madame( the 3each6

The 4irst 3each that ri3ened on the lovingly cherished( early< 1looming( richly<1earing( East Indian d9ar4 3each trees in my orchard at Simarineux de la Pomme d#A3i( maAing a trium3h< ant entry into the 9orld days ahead o4 any other 3each in the 9hole o4 :rance6 O(e turns and glares at TE'AI resentfully6P "ou Ano9 9hat a 3assionate 4ruit gro9er I am6 "ou Ano9 that I have tended this 3each 4rom its 4irst 1udding( cared 4or it( 9atched over it( 9ra33ed it a1out 9ith my love( Ae3t a diary a1out it( and a9aited its ri3ening liAe the coming o4 a &essiah6 And 9hat ha33ensL This a4ternoon I go out riding6 I am 3roceeding at a gentle Bog<trot G O&E!! imitates hoof8beats as before1 A!&A%" is incensed by his stupidity1 &E!! subsides, abashed, and A!&A%" resumes6P I am 3roceeding at a gentle Bog<trot 4rom %uvernois sur SaSne to Saint Sul3ice de la Grand ParmentiTre G O(e brea!s off 4ith an anguished loo! at TE'AI6P
TE'AI OcoldlyP: Along the highroad G A!&A%": Along the highroad6 And 9hom should I see there(

tri33ing along( 1ut .uliette( your maid6 I s3eaA to her6 She 1etrays em1arrassment at seeing me6 She stammers and ties her a3ron<strings in a Anot6 I asA her 9here she is going6 Terri4ied( she 1ursts into tears and 9his3ers( I&y lady sent me to the &arKuis .ean :rancois Gelette de la Tour d#ArgentJ G curse himM
TE'AI:

'ight6 This time that 9as in the scri3t6

A!&A%": Why( I asA the girl( did your mistress send you to the

&arKuisL And then suddenly( ha33ening to looA closer( I see that she is trying des3erately to hide a little 3arcel 4rom me6 I taAe it 4rom her( I o3en it( and 9hat do I seeL O Points to peach6P That 3eachM The Aing o4 3eaches( the a33le o4 my eye G my 3ride and Boy( my 4irst 1orn( the su3reme 3each 4rom the orchards o4 Simarineux de la Pomme d#A3i G the last 9ord in stoneless 4ruit 9hich I have 1een guarding since 1irth liAe a 1a1y sister6 And( as i4 this 9ere not enough( 9ra33ed round that glorious s3ecimen o4 its Aind( I discover a letter6 O (e fiddles in his inside coatpoc!et, dra4s out a letter, sees it is the 4rong one, replaces it hastily, and dra4s forth the proper one 6P This letter G O(e reads6P G I&y 1eloved6 This is the 4irst 3each that has ri3ened in :rance this year6 I send it to you6 Eat it reverently6J O(e holds the letter under her nose6P ThereM
I!ONA:

Are you trying to maAe me smell itL Or are you

A!&A%": I am6 :or even i4 you 9ere shameless enough to deny

your 9riting you cannot deny your 3er4ume6 3ro3osing to deny itL
I!ONA: A!&A%": I!ONA:

No6 aM Then you admit itL "es6

A!&A%": "ou sent him this 3eachL I!ONA:

"es6

A!&A%" Oagain ta!es off his hat and glo'es P: It#s sim3le ranA

inBustice6 I#ve got to say yardlong s3eeches at the to3 o4 my voice( and all her 3art consists o4 is little exclamations liAe 7ohM# 7noM# and 7yesM#
TE'AI:

"es G I noticed that mysel46 These short cris3 s3eeches are characteristic o4 Sardou#s 9omenM It can#t 1e hel3ed6 Go on( 3lease6 than e'erP: SoM "ou acce3t 4rom me everything( love( name( ranA( riches( estates G t9o castles G and then you go a1out the 3lace sending my cherished 4ruit to your loverM

A!&A%" Ogoes bac!, puts on hat and glo'es, more miserable

I!ONA Orises6 tragicallyP: No6 A!&A%": "ou have the e44rontery to 3retend that the &arKuis is

not your loverL

I!ONA:

"es6

A!&A%": "ou mean he isL I!ONA:

No6

A!&A%": "ou mean he is notL I!ONA OtriumphantlyP: "es6 A!&A%" O4ith a theatrical laughP: A liAely story( &adame6 I

am a 4ruit<gro9er( the leading amateur horticulturist in :rance and President o4 the Paris Peach Clu16 I Ano9 G I say( I Ano9 G that one does not give 4ruit liAe this save 9here one has 4irst given G the heart6 &adame( I des3ise you6
I!ONA:

"ou consider conduct liAe mine des3ica1leL

A!&A%": I do6 I!ONA:

GoodM Then I have one little Kuestion to asA you6 In the early s3ring o4 the year there ri3ened in your orchard the 4irst cro3 o4 9hiteheart cherries6 To 9hom did you send those cherriesL

A!&A%" Oturns a4ay, embarrassed P: To my mother6

The

%o9ager Countess de la Grande Contumace Saint Emilion6

I!ONA:

IndeedL To your motherL Then 3ermit me to sho9 you something6 "ou are not the only one 9ho has discovered an interesting letter6 OTa!es letter from table6P Smell thatM %o you recogni=e the 3er4umeL O(olds it under his nose6P What a sensationM Sardou at his 1est6 There#s no one liAe him6 The 3er4ume is o4 &ademoiselle Emilienne( 3remiTre danseuse at the :olies )ergTres( 9hom you honour 9ith your 4riendshi3 and 3rotection6 o9 G ho9 did you get thisL

&E!!:

I!ONA:

A!&A%": I!ONA:

Never mind6 Al9ays remem1er letters are liAe s3ent arro9s6 "ou never can tell 9here they are going to dro36

&E!! Oapplauds 'igorouslyP: An e3igram6 I!ONA:

'ead it( 3lease6

A!&A%" OreadingP: I&y dearest6 This morning that doddering

old idiot o4 a count o4 mine G J

I!ONA:

"ou notice ho9 your divinity 9rites o4 youL Go on6

A!&A%" OreadingP: G Ithat doddering idiot o4 a count o4 mine

sent me a 1asAet o4 cherries6 %id I tell you he 9as a 4amous 4ruit<gro9erL e says these are the 4irst cherries that have ri3ened in :rance this year and he sends them to me as a toAen o4 his love6 %ro3 in this evening( darling( and 9e#ll eat the old 4ool#s cherries together6 "our loving Emilienne6 P6S6 'ing t9ice as usualMJ O(e sobs6P
I!ONA:

"ou see( 9hat you do to me( I do to you6 An eye 4or an eye( a tooth for a tooth( a 3each 4or a cherry6

A!&A%" Obro!enlyP: "es6 It#s true6

I!ONA:

And no9( leave my garden6 This very a4ternoon I 3acA my 1oxes and go 1acA to my mother6 And i4 you 9ill Kuestion my maid you 9ill 4ind that I told her to hang a1out till you came 1y G to 1lush and stammer G and 4inally to give you the letter and the 3each6 OShe brea!s into stage laughter6P a( ha( haM Oh( ha( ha( ha( ha( haM

A!&A%": Well( I must 4ace it6 I#ve lost6 I!ONA:

"ou#ve lost me6

A!&A%" O!neelingP: "vonneM %on#t say that6 SeeM I 1eg your

4orgiveness on my Anees G overlooA this one 4alse ste36

I!ONA:

The ideaM A count and an elderly count G grovelling liAe that6 OA!&A%" gets up and turns a4ay6P All the same( you have touched me6 So I 9ill 4orgive you6 )ut you are not to get o44 9ithout 3unishment6 :irstly( I 4or1id you to eat this 3each6

A!&A%": &y GodM Not thatM I!ONA OfirmlyP: "es6 A!&A%": So 1e it6 I!ONA:

Secondly( you 9ill 3ermit me to go to Paris alone6

A!&A%" OdespairinglyP: "vonneM I!ONA:

Not a 9ord6 Either you trust me or you do notM I4 you do( I 9ill return6 I4 not( not6 ParisL

A!&A%": Oh( heavensM And ho9 long do you ex3ect to stay in I!ONA:

A 9eeA6

A!&A%" Osuddenly bursting outP: NoM I can#t live 9ithout you6

I 9orshi3 you6 I adore you6 I love you as the church stee3le loves the cloud that settles on its summit( only to 1e 9a4ted a9ay 1y the 4irst 3assing 1ree=e6 I can#t live 9ithout you6 Not a 9eeA( not a day6 Not an hour6

I!ONA:

.ust 9ords6

OAt the 4ords 3church steeple- &ANS5" and A%A& ha'e e9changed a glance of utter astonishment6P
&ANS5" OrisesP: )ut G 1ut G 1ut G .ust one moment G What 9as

that you saidL

I!ONA: TE'AI:

I 1eg your 3ardonL

No9( listen( please6 We can#t have these interru3tions6 %on#t 3ull them u3 the moment they#ve got nicely into the s9ing o4 it6 I can#t 9ait to see ho9 it all ends6 Will she leave himL Or 9ill the memory o4 their 3ast love 3rove too strongL

&E!!:

&ANS5" Ogoes to A%A& < Aside to himP: This is devilish Kueer6 TE'AI:

Ruiet( 3lease6 All right6 Go on6 )etter go 1acA to 7Not a 9eeAM Not a dayM Not an hourM#

A!&A%": #ot a 4ee!* #ot a day* #ot an hour* I!ONA:

.ust 9ords6

A!&A%": It#s the truth6 I#m cra=y a1out you6 And you G you

have used me u3 and sKuee=ed me liAe a lemon( and no9 you 9ant to thro9 me a9ay6 OAt the 4ord 3lemon- &ANS5" and A%A& again e9change glances1 &ANS5" gets up, deeply agitated6P
&ANS5": Sandor G TE'AI:

What is itL

&ANS5" Oto I!ONA and A!&A%"P: "ou#ll excuse meL I have

something very urgent to say to &r Turai6 O(e crosses to TE'AI and drags him o'er to the corner belo4 the fireplace 6P %o you hear 9hat they#re sayingL
TE'AI Ofeigning non8comprehensionP:

o9 do you mean( do I

hear 9hat they#re sayingL

&ANS5": I mean G didn#t those last lines sound 4amiliar to youL TE'AI:

That#s right6 No9 you mention it6 I did notice some< thing( only I thought it 9as my 4ancy6 Those lines 9ere sylla1le 4or sylla1le the ones 9e heard last night through the 9all6

&ANS5" Oto A%A&P: Come here6 I give you my 9ord( Sandor6

TE'AI Oloo!ing at scriptP: )y .ove( you#re right G This is uncanny6 &ANS5": Go on 9ith the rehearsal( or they 9ill 1e sus3ecting

something6 I 9ant to hear some more6 O&ANS5" ta!es hold of A%A&#S arm1 A%A& is 'ery e9cited1 both listen intently6P
TE'AI: I!ONA:

Well( letDs get on6 7No9 you 9ant to thro9 me a9ay6#

I don#t 9ant to thro9 you a9ay( silly6 Oh( come on( then6 Come here and let me Aiss that 1eauti4ul classic 1ro96

&ANS5": Great heavensM I!ONA:

What#s the matterL

&ANS5" O4hisperingP: !isten( you t9o6 They#re saying 9ord

4or 9ord 9hat 9e heard them say last night6 %o you gras3 no9 9hat they 9ere doing last nightL 2ehearsingM Sim3ly going through their lines6
TE'AI: A%A&:

I must admit this has come u3on me as a com3lete sur3rise6 'eally( I#m Kuite shaAen6 Imitate me6 I4 I can 1e 3er4ectly calm( you can6

&ANS5" Opointing to TE'AIP: And he never recogni=ed itM I!ONA:

&r TuraiM What#s going onL

A!&A%": "es6 What#s all the discussion a1outL

TE'AI:

Well( it#s liAe this6 &ansAy says G and I#m 1ound to say I agree 9ith him G that 4or the actual 3er4ormance tonight you 9ill have to dig u3 a classic 1ro9 4rom some9here6

A!&A%": %ig u3 a classic 1ro9L TE'AI:

"ou see( it#s rather a9A9ard6 The scri3t says G 75iss that 1eauti4ul classic 1ro96#

A!&A%": WellL TE'AI:

Well( you#ll have to get one some9here6

A!&A%" ObitterlyP: "ou thinA my o9n 9ould not 1e convincingL &ANS5": &y God( noM A!&A%": It has 1een so descri1ed6 TE'AI:

In this 3lay( yes6 )ut( i4 you#ll 3ardon my saying so( you 9ouldn#t suggest that any 9oman o4 taste could say such a thing in real li4eL

A!&A%" ObitterlyP: ,ery good6 No dou1t the 3ro3erty man 9ill 1e a1le to su33ly me 9ith a 4ace6 O&E!! is appalled at the

prospect of ha'ing to get a 3face- but he dutifully ma!es a notation of it in his little boo!6P
TE'AI:

Oh G my dear 4ello96

OA!! go bac! to their places6P

A%A& OimpatientlyP: We#re 9asting time6 !et#s get on6 TE'AI: A%A&: &E!!: I!ONA:

ShM ShM We#ve only a 4e9 minutes more6 No more interru3tions6 ThanA GodM

Where 9ere 9eL Oh( yes6 Come here and let me Aiss that 1eauti4ul classic 1ro96 O=isses him on the forehead6P

A!&A%": That#s not a Aiss6 That#s a ti36

&ANS5": Surely that line is a tri4le vulgar6 TE'AI:

It#s vulgar 1ecause it#s s3oAen 1y a vulgar man6

&ANS5": The s3eaAer is a count6 TE'AI:

)ut a dull<9itted 1ounder( 4or all that6 e#s the sort o4 man 9ho 9ould say things liAe that6 %on#t you start trying to teach Sardou ho9 to 9rite dialogue6

A!&A%" OfuriousP: :or God#s saAe( are 9e going to rehearseL TE'AI:

"es6 Go on( 3lease6

A!&A%": That#s not a Aiss6 That#s a ti36 I!ONA:

%on#t shout liAe that6

A!&A%": I 9ill shout6 I#m a sKuee=ed lemon6 That#s 9hat I am G a lemon6 O%alls sobbing at her feet1 &ANS5" 4hispers something to A%A&6 A%A& smiles happily and 4hispers

bac!1 They sha!e hands6P

TE'AI:

Please G 3lease G WhatDs the matterL

&ANS5": Nothing6 I 9as merely saying to Adam that I thinA

that 9ord 7lemon# is all 9rong6

TE'AI:

I thinA it#s excellent6 A1solutely in character6 The s3eaAer is a 1ig lemon<and<3each man 4rom Saint Sul3ice de la Grande ParmentiTre( and he naturally goes to the orchard 4or his similes6 Try to reali=e that he#s 3ractically an im1ecile 9ith virtually no voca1ulary6 OA!&A%" loo!s up from I!ONA#S lap and registers indignation Prompting:P 7Please( 3lease# G OTo I!ONA:P :rom you( my dear6 O To A!&A%":P "ou#re crying6 OA!&A%" sobs6P Please( 3lease6 %on#t cry6 I can#t 1ear it6 "ou Ano9 ho9 4ond I am o4 you6 OShe goes to table 4here peach is6P nightsM ave you 4orgotten them so com3letelyL O (e stands

I!ONA:

A!&A%": Those nights o4 love G those 4laming( 9onder4ul

up, and starts to touch the peach6P

I!ONA:

Sto3M Control yoursel46

A!&A%" Ogazing at peachP: "ou asA me to control mysel4 G

9hen I looA at thatL At that 3er4ect sha3e6 The rose 4lush o4 that sAin6 OStarts to touch peach6P .ust to stroAe it G
I!ONA:

ands o446

A!&A%" Osnatching up the peach, holds it in one hand and 4ith

the other stro!es it 'oluptuouslyP: &y GodM o9 round it isM o9 smooth( ho9 velvety G and ho9 4ragrantM O 2aises it to his mouth6P
I!ONA:

"ou mustn#t 1ite it6

OShe snatches his hand1 &ANS5" gi'es a shrie! and goes into fits of laughter1 A%A& stretches his arms out to &ANS5" and roars1 A%A& slaps &ANS5" on the bac!, &ANS5" laughing uninterruptedly1 A!&A%" turns a4ay furiously1 I!ONA turns a4ay, ashamed6P
&ANS5": A%A&:

eavensM What 4ools 9e#ve 1eenM aven#t 9eL

&E!! OeagerlyP: Won#t you tell me the BoAeL A%A&: I!ONA:

"ou 9ouldn#t understand6 What are you t9o so amused a1outL

TE'AI OcurtlyP: Come( come6 We#re 9asting time6 !et#s get on6 &ANS5": "es( get on6

I 9ant to hear this6 'ound( smooth(

velvety and 4ragrant6

A%A&: I!ONA:

And you mustn#t 1ite6 "ou mustn#t 1ite it6

A!&A%": I must G I am so hungry6

OA%A& and &ANS5" go on laughing1 &E!! laughs too, but 4ith a puzzled loo!, as much to say :,-m 7oining in, but , really don-t understand1;P
A!&A%": Ah( 9ellM I see I am nothing to you any more6 I!ONA:

Oh( 4or goodness# saAeM I s9ear that no man G OBrea!s off, unable to go on6P

TE'AI OpromptingP: No man 9ho has ever come into my li4e G I!ONA: TE'AI:

G has meant so much to me as you6 :rom the to3 o4 your head to the soles o4 your 4eet you are a man6 I thinA 9e might cut that last 1it6

A!&A%": WhyL TE'AI:

Well( I mean to say G A little too ex3licit( don#t you thinAL 'ather too o1vious a sexual im3lication6 A 9ee 1it coarse( 3erha3s( yesL We must consider the 4eelings o4 the audience6 OTo &E!!:P Will there 1e any young girls there tonightL Oh( yes( indeed6

&E!!: TE'AI:

Then 9e must cut it6 They may 1ring their 3arents6 Instead su33ose 9e say II love you( even though you are only a 3oor imitation o4 a man6J OA!&A%" registers rage6P Go on6 OTo A!&A%":P I&y GodM I su44er G J

A!&A%" ObitterlyP: &y GodM I su44er liAe a sicA horse6 OTo TE'AI:P !ooA here( that ought to come out6 TE'AI: A!&A%": TE'AI:

WhyL o9 could anyone s3eaA o4 himsel4 so vulgarlyL

We 9ent into all that Bust no96 .ust 9hat a cattle< raiser 9ould say6

A!&A%": )ut he#s a 4ruit<raiserM TE'AI:

Cattle( too6 Cattle as a side line6

I!ONA:

%on#t looA so 3athetic6 Well( come here6 5iss me6 "ou donAey6

A!&A%" Ofuriously to TE'AIP: It#s too much G horse and donAey6 A%A& Oaside to &ANS5"P: This is 9here I 9ent out6

o9 4unny

it seems no96
TE'AI Oloo!s at scriptP: We#re getting near the end no96 They

Aiss here6 OA!&A%" Starts to !iss I!ONA6P

I!ONA Opushing him a4ayP: Oh( never mind the Aiss6 5iss over6 A!&A%" OoffendedP: .ust as you 3lease6 I 9ant you to remem1er

that Aiss 4orever6

I!ONA:

"our Aiss is revolting to me(

A!&A%" OdespairinglyP: %oes that stay inL TE'AI:

&y dear 4ello9( 9e can#t cut everything6 The

A!&A%": )ut a line liAe that#s so damned 3ersonal6

audience 9ill loathe me6

&ANS5": It 1eats me 9hy on earth you ever chose a 3art liAe

this6
TE'AI O4ith subtle moc!eryP: "es6 It#s no 1usiness o4 mine( 1ut I

must say I can#t understand that( either6 It doesn#t hel3 to cut lines here and there6 It#s the 9hole 3art6 The character#s a 1ounder and a 4ool6
&ANS5": The author must have loathed this 4ello96 "ou notice

that( Sandor( donDt youL

TE'AI OironicallyP: O4 course( I noticed it6 I!ONA:

%o let#s get to the end6 &ademoiselle Emilienne descri1es you as an old 4ool6

TE'AI O3rom3tingP: IAnd so I am6J A!&A%": And so I am( "vonne6 O%uriousP So I am6 &ANS5": "ou certainly are6 I!ONA OsincerelyP: It#s disgusting that a man o4 your age should

3ersecute a 9oman( and 1y 3laying on her sense o4 gratitude seeA to o1tain a love 9hich she 9ould never 1esto9 as a 4ree gi4t6
A%A& Ocrossing do4n to TE'AI and 4hisperingP: Encle Sandor(

9ill you give me your 9ord o4 honour that Ilona shall never Ano9 ho9 shame4ully I sus3ected herL
TE'AI: A%A&: TE'AI: I!ONA:

%on#t 1e childish6 I4 ever she 4ound out she#d never looA at me again6 I#ll never tell her6 Please donDt interru3t any more6

A%A& Obo4s elaborately and says 4ith meaningP: :orgive me6

OI!ONA accepts his apology 4ith an affectionate gesture, and 4hen his bac! is turned it is she 4ho is mutely as!ing forgi'eness6P
TE'AI: I!ONA:

Go onM ThinA o4 your 9i4e6 ThinA o4 your children6

A!&A%" Oturns a4ayP: &y childrenM I!ONA:

What 9ould your son sayL res3ected colonel in the %ragoons6

"our son( a highly

OThis is too much1 The actor in A!&A%" is crushed1 (e comes do4n to TE'AI bro!enly and spea!s supplicatingly6P
A!&A%": &r Turai6 TE'AI OamiablyP: "esL

A!&A%": ItDs Bust a suggestion( 1ut couldnDt 9e say lieutenant

thereL
TE'AI:

I#m a4raid not6 "ou see it 9as IgeneralJ in the text6

A!&A%" O4ildlyP: &y son a generalL I!ONA Oto TE'AIP:

o9 4ar 1acA can I goL

TE'AI: At the most a maBor6 I!ONA OKuicAlyP: ,ery 9ell6 "our son( a highly res3ected maBor in

the %ragoons6
A!&A%": "ou are right( "vonne6 The shocA 9ould Aill him6

OA!&A%" brea!s off, e'idently un4illing to spea! his ne9t line1 But TE'AI prompts him relentlessly6P
TE'AI:

IA ridiculous old 3etticoat<chaser6J

A!&A%" Ospea!ing the lines almost sotto 'oce in a casual off8

hand mannerP: A ridiculous old 3etticoat<chaser( that#s 9hat I am6 )ahM

TE'AI:

Oh( come( &r Almady6 Not so tamely 3lease6 &ore li4e6 Once more6 3etticoat<chaser( that#s 9hat I am6 )ahM

A!&A%" O4ith petulance and irritationP: A ridiculous old TE'AI OrelentlesslyP: Still not Kuite strong enough6 &ore gusto6

&ore sincerity6
A!&A%" Oshouts the line to relie'e his fury P: A 'I%ICE!OES

O!% PETTICOAT<C ASE'( T AT#S W AT I A&6 )A M

TE'AI OcoldlyP: Once more( 3lease6 A!&A%" Oshouting to the full limit of his 'ocal chords in 4ild

desperationP: A 'I%ICE!OES O!% PETTICOAT<C ASE'( T AT#S W AT I A&6 )A M

TE'AI O4ith appro'alP: :ine G that#s it6 No9 read it that 9ay at

the 3er4ormance6 OA!&A%" is completely crushed and beaten6P

A!&A%" OgenuinelyP: I 3romise you I shall never again maAe

mysel4 o1noxious to this 9oman 9ho loves another man and is sicA and tired o4 me6 Never( never again6
I!ONA Obris!lyP: Never againL A!&A%" Obris!lyP: Never again6 I!ONA:

Then( &aurice( I 9ill 1e generous6 I 9ill not go to Paris( and you may eat the 3each6 the peach6P

A!&A%" Ohurls himself at the peachP: &y GodM At lastM OGna4s TE'AI OrisingP: Curtain6 &ANS5": The endL TE'AI: &ANS5": TE'AI:

The end6

e really should have given his 9i4e the 3each6 That 9ould have made a much 3rettier 4inish6 Oh( my dear 4ello9M Where#s your sense o4 characterL The man#s sel4ish to the core6 e#d never give his 9i4e 3eaches6

&ANS5": A very unsym3athetic 3art6 Still( he 3layed it 9ell6 TE'AI:

It 4itted him6

&E!! Odancing about in anguish, pointing to almady, incoherent

4ith agitationP: OhM OhM

TE'AI: &E!!:

What#s the matter 9ith youL

e#s eating the 3eachM e#s eating the 3eachM I never dreamed he 9as going to eat the 3each6 I shall have to dash out and get another6 O(e rushes off to the hall6P

I!ONA

Ota!es off scarf1 To A%A&( 4ho stands o'ercome 4ith happinessP: Well( ho9 do you liAe me in this 3artL Oh( darling( you 9ere 9onder4ul( sim3ly 9onder4ul6 And( i4 you 9ant to Ano9 9hat I thinA G this little comedy is 9orth all ShaAes3eare 3ut together6 O(e !isses her hands6P Sardou 9rite itL

A%A&:

&ANS5": Oh( no( no( no6 The thing dates terri1ly6 When did TE'AI:

I donDt Ano96 What 3eriod Sardou is this( &r AlmadyL

A!&A%": I should imagine it 9as his last 9orA6 &ANS5": Then he must have 1een a very old man at the time6

It#s terri1le6
TE'AI:

e 3ro1a1ly 9rote it Bust 1e4ore he died6

Or Bust a4ter6 OTo I!ONA:P Can I have a minuteL .ust a 4e9 things I#d liAe to tell you a1out your 3art6

I!ONA: "es( yes( I shall 1e very grate4ul6 O To &ANS5" and A%A&:P Go along6 We shan#t 1e a moment6 &ANS5": What 1eats me is 9hy an actor 9ho has al9ays 3layed

heroes 3icAed a 3art liAe that 4or himsel46 4ond o4 acting6 O&ANS5" and A%A& go out6P

e must 1e terri1ly

TE'AI Oto A!&A%"( 4ho is sitting de7ectedlyP: "ou seem u3set6 A!&A%" OmiserablyP: Not at all6 O(e glares at TE'AI6P TE'AI:

So you#ve decided to taAe the midnight ex3ress directly a4ter the 3er4ormanceL

A!&A%": "es6 TE'AI:

I thinA you#re 9ise6 A good( 4ruity train highly s3oAen o4 1y connoisseurs6 Well( Bust to sho9 you the sort o4 4ello9s 9e Turais are( I#ll let you o44 the maBor6 Ilona( you can say lieutenant6

A!&A%": Even lieutenant seems a little G

TE'AI:

Good GodM We canDt maAe him a drummer 1oy6

A!&A%" Opic!s up his partP: ,ery 9ell( so 1e it6 I su33ose I

ought to 1e thanA4ul 4or small mercies6 OGoes to4ards the door to the hall6P
TE'AI:

Where are you o44 toL

A!&A%": I#m going to have another go at those in4ernal :rench names6 )ut in s3ite o4 everything G thanA you6 O A!&A%"

bo4s and then goes out6P

I!ONA: TE'AI:

Sandor( you#re an angel6 9riting that 3layL

Was it a94ully di44icult(

Oh( no6 That damned 3each stum3ed me 4or a 9hile6 Smooth( round( velvety and 4ragrant( and you mustnDt 1ite6 It 9asnDt easy to get round that6 )elieve me( there are very 4e9 things in this 9orld that are round( smooth( velvety G and res3ecta1le6 shoulder6

I!ONA Oturns her head a4ayP: Oh G he 9as talAing a1out my TE'AI

O4ith delicate irony and gazing at her shoulder, then !issing itP: 'eallyL I thought it 9as your 4orehead6 "ou#re an old devilH that#s 9hat you are6

I!ONA: TE'AI:

.ust 9hat I ex3ected6 No9 that it#s all over( every< 1ody else is a gentleman and I#m an old devil6 )ut someho9 I don#t thinA I am6 &y little Ilona( I have saved a young man a 1ad heartache6 It#s a negative Aindness( 1ut is there a 3ositive one that#s 1etterL "es( on the 9hole( I thinA I#m 4airly 9ell satis4ied 9ith mysel46 And there#s a little old 9oman looAing at me 4rom some9here G 3ro1a1ly 4rom hell G and her eyes seem to 1e t9inAling( as i4 she 9as satis4ied( too6 It#s un4ortunate( that you 9on#t have me al9ays on hand to G O2e8enter &ANS5" and A%A&6P

&ANS5" Oon the landing, to A%A&P: Poor old Turai#s 4eeling

a94ully sore a1out all this6 e had a 9onder4ul scheme 4or 1ringing you t9o together( 1ased on 9hat he calls 3sychology6 And no9 he#s 4urious 1ecause that 9on#t 1e needed6 O&nter %WO'NITSC E5 from hall6P
A%A&:

ShM Ilona 9ill hear you6 !et#s dro3 the su1Bect6

%WO'NITSC E5: %inner is served6

OA%A& meets I!ONA6 They embrace and !iss lo'ingly and go out arm in arm6P
&ANS5" O4ith self8satisfaction to TE'AIP: So( my 4riend( it

comes do9n to this6 There are many clever 9riters( 1ut the most success4ul o4 them all is still old man li4e himsel46
TE'AI:

That#s 1ecause he doesn#t have to colla1orate 9ith you6 O e taAes &ANS5"#S arm6 As he 3asses %WO'NITS< C E5 he sto3s and looAs at him6P

%WO'NITSC E5 OsmilingP: %9ornitscheA( sir6 TE'AI:

No9( looA here G that really is your name( isnDt itL

%WO'NITSC E5: Oh( yes sir6 TE'AI:

I Bust 9ondered6 ThanA you6

OTE'AI and &ANS5" go out6P

%WO'NITSC E5: ThanA you sir6

CE'TAIN