UGH, OUR NETWORK AT WORK IS DOWN BECAUSE MY POINTY—HATRED BOSS WOULDN'T LET ME UPGRADE THE SOFTWARE. NOW I NEED TO WORK ALL NIGHT TO FIX IT. ) MAYBE THIS MEANS THE NEXT 364 DAYS WILL BE EXTRA AWESOME. YEAH, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. A FRESH NEW YEAR Is UPON US AND TAM BRIMMING WITH OPTIMISM. 5 3 ; ie 5(A GOOD LEADER PUTS |_| HIS TEAM AHEAD OF |_] HIS OWN EGO. [email protected] (HEIs ©2013 Scot Adams, Ing Os.brumesavamWHAT WOULD BE THE NAME OF A CULTURE WHERE PEOPLE WORK HARD BUT DON’T GET ANY OF THOSE THINGS: YOU JUST MENTIONED? $0 WE GET TO DRESS CASUALLY, WORK FLEX HOURS, FEEL THAT OUR, WORK IS VALUED, AND GET EQUITY IN THE WE NEED TO FOSTER. MORE OF A START-UP CULTURE TO DRIVE INNOVATION. i i i : é a : 2 ibert.com [email protected]T QUOTE PEOPLE OUT OF CONTEXT, ADD MIS— LEADING HEADLINES, AND TIE IT ALL UP WITH A SNARKY BOW. IT THOUGHT THE NEWS OCCURRED NATURALLY. IGOTAJOBASA NEWS MANUFACTURER. FOR AN ONLINE MEDIA. COMPAN’ “ENGINEER THINKS NEWS IS Macrc” y Dilbert.com [email protected] [1B ©2058 Scow Adams, Ine.svoy eranWRITE UP SOME. ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS WE COULD NEVER ANTICIPATE. I NEED YOU TO HELP PREPARE ME FOR MY MEETING TOMORROW. IT WOULDN'T EXPECT MUCH OUT OF MY FIRST DRAFT. Dilbert.com [email protected] 51 6201 Soot Adams Ine,DILBERT TCAN'T GET IM HOPING YOU CAN TALK TO HTS Boss, NB vie) BY SCOTT ADAMS IT'S YOUR JOB TO MAKE WAVES! Ws E THEY PAY YOU TO MAKE WAVES, YOU eal ae OF onloo /PUB@ISuooveDHeqIg WO veqNG ats NO PROBLEM. PS caiea maT ACOA PLAN MY pene SCHEDULE AROUND THE SAME. YOUR IN—- HYPOTHETICALLY, IF T HAD FORGOTTEN TO MENTION SEVERAL FEATURES, WOULD THAT BE A PROBLEM? DID YOU FINISH THE DESIGN ACCORDING TO MY SPECS? COMPETENCE. Dilbert.com [email protected] -B:13_o2018 Seon Adams, ne, br weraMAYBE IN-MEMORY COMPUTING WILL ACCEL— ERATE YOUR APPLICA— TIONS. YES, THE DATA SHOWS THAT MY PRODUCTIVITY PLUNGES WHENEVER YOU LEARN NEW JARGON. DO WE HAVE ANY ACTIONABLE ANALYTICS: FROM OUR BIG DATA IN THE CLOUD? [email protected] 1-243 62018 Soot Adams, Inoono unameSO INSTEAD OF GIVING R INSTEAD OF 1 TO BE LESS DYSFUNCTIONAL. IT’S CHEAPER. 00D Boss OVER GETTING A RAISE. cin 8 3 8 R F 5 5 H [HIM 82010 Scott Adame, neon UmerWOU! T FEEL A WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED FROM MY CHEST. NOW THAT MY FAILURE IS GUAR— ANTEED, T NO LONGER: FEEL THE STRESS OF TRYING TO SUCCEED! ) I HAD TO LAY OFF SEVEN ENGINEERS AND. «+. TNEED YOU TO PICK. UP THOSE FUNCTIONS. ; i ; g i i E13 e701 Seow Adams, neo Dilbert comBY SCOTT ADAMS DILBERT D0 YOU WANT A NO-BABY SECTION? TT COSTS EXTRA. DO YOU WANT, DO YOU WANT AN EXTRA LEGROOM AISLE SEAT? THAT. ON YOUR FLIGHT? COSTS EXTRA, TT COSTS MORE. PRIORITY BOARDING? (ONE HOUR LATER. NOU. LET'S DO THE WE'RE ALMOST DONE. JUST. TWELVE YOUR MORE QUESTIONS. TICKET AETERN tomes, FLIGHT. TO. $27,689.\ AN SETS [email protected] 1rM-13_ S018 Soot Adams, Ine. Os ey una ackDilbert.com [email protected] 5136200 Seow Adams, Ine Ost oy UnrateACTUALLY, STUDIES SHOW THAT ANY BIG CHANGES IN A PERSON'S LIFE VASTLY INCREASE THE ODDS OF SICKNESS AND DEATH. DO NOT FEAR CHANGE BECAUSE CHANGE IS GOOD. 5 a H i 3 g rb: ©2018 Seow Aer, Ine oe. tyne Dilbert.comYOUR HANDSHAKE FEELS LIKE A WET SOCK FULL OF MACARONI AND CHEESE. IT MAKES ME. WISH WE NEVER MET. PLEASE = =«IT'S LET GO MOIST OF MY AND HAND. — SQUISHY. DILBERT. [email protected] [FiT7B OP010 Geom Adams Ine. Dao) Var Dilbert comOKAY. I JUST YOU ARE EMAILED YOU TWO LITERALLY MORE ASSIGNMENTS: KILLING ICALL IT THAT INEED FINISHED | 2 ME. EXTREME BY TOMORROW. ) MANAG— WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY WORKLOAD. Dilbert.com [email protected]DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS T CANT HEAR You T set A sUDGY THERES 100 HUGH tine teat cient | | | tovsaccent BARCEROUND NOISE BES URHEAD SUT 790 Th AND EGs0 ON YOUR TOON ehOw WHAT - Es une Sane T DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAID, AND T CANT TELL WHICH ONE OF YOU IS TALKING, ‘YOURE ACTING AS IF TAGREED TO SOME— THING, BUT T DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ‘THE TOPIC TS, SEE YOU WAVING GOODBYE, 50 YOU MUST THINK WE'RE DONE.ALL YOU ARE, AND. RIGHT. .. ALL YOU. GOT IT... WILL EVER NAME ON eee BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN, WITHOUT THE GENIUS OF MY LEADERSHIP, WOULD BE LIKE A DESICCATED TURNIP. PUT MY NAME ABOVE YOURS ON ALL OF YOUR PATENT APPLICATIONS. PATENT... Dilbert.com [email protected] Zris_ e018 Soot Adams, Ine. oy Umar okWAAAA!!!! WHY ME??? WHY MErr?r T WISH a See ROE \ YOU CRY UGLY. T THINK WE NEED TO WORK ON THAT. ) WAAAAI! GOOD NEWS, ASOK: T HAVE DECIDED TO BE YOUR MENTOR. Dilbert.com [email protected] 12213 “©201S SOOM Adame, ING ty ra ekTHAVE A VISION THAT OUR NEXT PRODUCT WILL BE A TABLET COMPUTER THE SIZE OF A DIMI USERS WILL LICK IT AND ATTACH IT TO THEIR EYEBALLS. CAN YOU I CAN FINISH FAIL AT THAT IN ANY SPEED A MONTH? YOU LIKE. [email protected] 12619 ©2010 Scott Adams, Ine 95:7 UnrateOUR MODEL XR35 IS THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL WORK IN YOUR SITUATION. THE OTHER MODELS WOULD BE NIGHTMARES. THIsts HAVE YOU THE PART — LOOKED WHERE YouR AT THE CREDIBILITY _P# T COMES INTO THINK TT QUESTION. WOULD BE Oops. IT APPEARS WE ARE OUT OF PERFECT. Dilbertcom [email protected] ‘v2i-1s ©2018 Scom Adams, ING by ene ekIF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED, PLEASE HESITATE ONE IS ON PATERNITY LEAVE, ONE IS IN THE HOSPITAL, AND ONE DOESN'T START FOR ANOTHER MONTH. IT ASSIGNED THREE MORE ENGINEERS TO. HELP ON YOUR PROJECT. Dilbert.com [email protected] T2a1s@2019 Soot Adams, Ina Gat aUT RECYCLED ALL OF OUR OLD SOFTWARE AND DONATED THE ZEROES: AND ONES TO MATH PROGRAMS IN POOR TOWNS. MY DREAM IS THAT SOMEDAY EVERY CHILD THAD A BUSY WEEK. WILL BE ABLE TO COUNT To ONE. Dilbert.com [email protected] Zs 07019 Scom Adams, Ine mora UmDILBERT YOU SAID YOU WANT. EMPLOYEES TO BE EMPOWERED AND NOW YOURE CRITICIZING MY DECISION T DECIDED TO BE PROACTIVE AND PUSH BACK MY DELIVERABLE DEADLINE BY A YEAR. THAT'S NOT BEING PROACTIVE. THAT'S ‘THE OPPOSITE OF PROACTIVE! BY SCOTT ADAMS T CANT BE PROACTIVE, NOW MY MORALE’ YOU'VE BUNGLED 15 BAO, TOO! TANT Be Empowers) | |) EVERYTHING! YOURE ee A BIG BUNGLER! 7AND NOW T CANT EVEN Oe Aer o =e WELL, SAY GOODBYE TO THE OPEN-DOOR POLICY!NO, BECAUSE T REFLEXIVELY DIS— AGREE WITH EVERY SUGGESTION THAT ANYONE EVER MAKES. DID YOU MAKE THE SOFTWARE CHANGES T SUGGESTED? ree Ge tag ABLE. 51D YOU JUST 5 EI 5 S| F DO THERE? 8 25-13 ©2019 Seow Adams Ine, Dilbert.comWELL, I SEE A CEO, A COMPANY LAWYER, AND TWO SALESPEOPLE. THOSE JOBS ARE HIGHLY CORRELATED WITH PSYCHOPATHY. YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHY I CALLED THIS MEETING. MY GUESS IS THAT ‘YOU INVITED ME HERE TO DISEMBOWEL ME. IT WAS. RHETORICAL! [email protected] (3013 20% Seow Adams Inc oe: by nwo i 2THAT SEEMS LIKE THE STEP THAT HAPPENS: RIGHT BEFORE THE MACHINES TAKE OVER THE EARTH AND ANNI— HILATE ALL HUMANS. THERE'S ALWAYS, ONE PERSON IN EVERY CROWD WHO SAYS THAT. ) NOT FOR OUR MACHINE LEARNING TECHNOLOGY ALLOWS US TO TRACK CUSTOMER, PREFERENCES AND USE THAT KNOWLEDGE TO ae THEM. Dilbert.com [email protected] "2018 Seon Adams Ine.I CAN GIVE YOU MORE IF YOU DO YOUR JOB OF SETTING PRIORITIES FOR MY 27 PROJECTS. CANT. SURE. YOU SET THIS ONE THE PRI— JUST WENT ORITIES? TO 1.7%. Dilbert.com [email protected] TI} ©2019 Scom Adame, Ine/Deroy UmmaCLICK HERE TO BUY A TICKET TO BASE JUMP FROM THE INTERNA— TIONAL SPACE STATION. BASED ON YOUR INTERNET HISTORY, YOU MIGHT BE DUMB ENOUGH TO ENJOY EXTREME SPORTS. § a : H 3 3 g é ; : Ta-18 e708 Seow Adams, ne oy UnveatekDILBERT YOU REMIND ME OF ANOTHER YOUNG PERSON T HIRED YEARS AGO. VA B\ an Ara WHAT CAUSED TT. SHE WAS FULL OF HOPE AND OPTIMISM 'AND SHE LORE A PERMANENT SMILE. HER NAME APPARENTLY. YOURE A MONSTER WHO CREATES ‘A TOXIC WORKPLACE AND YOU LACK THE SELF-AWARENESS TO REALIZE IT! BY SCOTT ADAMS |AS TIME PASSED, SHE DEVOLVED INTO AN ANGRY, HATEFUL ‘CREATURE. SOMEONE eeACCORDING TO INTERNATIONAL LAW, IMAY NOW CLAIM YOU AS MY INDENTURED SERVANT. ASOK, YOUR MEETING STOLE AN HOUR OF [email protected] TH 67019 Sout Adams, Inc Ce enn Dilbert comIT STARTED AS A TEAM—BUILDING EXPERIENCE, BUT IT DEGENERATED INTO FORKLIFT JOUSTING IN THE WAREHOUSE. IM GOING ALL “BOARDWALK EMPIRE” ON. YOU NOW, VOLSTEAD! THE COMPANY WILL NO LONGER OFFER FREE BEER ON FRIDAYS. Dilbert.com — [email protected] G18 E201 Scom Adams, ieeec a THOUSAND HOURS IS A MENTAL DISORDER. : s , 2 8 é g 2 a : i iBUT GIVEN YOUR UNCLEAR EMAIL AND YOUR UNWILLINGNESS TO ANSWER FOLLOW —UP QUESTIONS, I DECIDED TO DO WHATEVER THIS ISNT WHAT T WANTED. I KNOW. ENTERTAINED ME. hex Dilbert.com [email protected] GIs oaOIs Scon AGA Ine PaI USING VICTORY AND POWER POSES TO. TRICK MY BRAIN INTO. RELEASING TESTOS— TERONE TO MAKE ME MORE OF A LEADER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS Is, BUT I WANT IN. & a H i 3 g 2013 SCOT AGAIN ING 380 SovDILBERT TM WORKING AT HOME TODAY. IT WILL BE AS TF WE'RE CO-WORKERS, THIS MADNESS: MUST STO YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE TO SEE WHAT'S NEW. BY SCOTT ADAMS TWO HOURS LATER. TM ALMOST FINISHED. WITH FACEBOOK. DIO YOU GET MY LINKEDIN REQUEST? SENT YOU SOME LINKS TO FUNNY. WEBSITES. ‘JUST SPENT TEN HOURS AT MY COMPUTER ‘AND T CAN'T REMEMBER WHY TWAS SITTING THERE IN THE FIRST. PLACE, YOU WERE OFA. GOING TO |] _ THAT ET bcke | (RIGHT.THAT STRIKES ME AS. SLIGHTLY LESS USEFUL THAN WALLY’S HOBBY OF DOING ABSOLUTELY 10" DO YOU RESTORE OTHER KINDS OF GARBAGE OR JUST CARS? \ MY HOBBY IS RESTORING OLD CARS. NOTHING. Dilbert com [email protected] Tins e205 Soot Adams Inev>=-oTODAY I LEARNED THAT THE SECRET OF GOOD MANAGING IS HIRING PEOPLE WHO ARE SMARTER THAN TAM. MAYBE TLL TRY THAT NEXT TIME. Dilbert.com [email protected] Ties e2O1S Soon Ades IeWE NEED TO FORM AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH OUR CUSTOMERS. IM DOING IT RIGHT Dilbert.com [email protected] B53 82019 Soot Adame, Ine Us ek% a 2 o 4 = S & wy adZ aca ane e223 = 385 ) woSO YOU EXAMINED ALL OF THE PROBLEMS IN THE COMPANY AND LOOSEN— PROBLEMS. DECIDED THE ROOT ING THE ARE CHAIRS. CAUSE WAS CHAIRS? DRESS AND PANTS? STARTING NEXT WEEK, OUR MEETINGS WILL BE “STAND—UPS” WITH NO CHAIRS, SO WELL BE MORE FOCUSED. Dilbert.com [email protected]SO I GUESS WE NEED SOME VALUES, WHAT— EVER THE HECK THOSE ARE. EXPERTS SAY WE. NEED TO EMPOWER EMPLOYEES WITH “VALUES.” Dilbertcom [email protected]DILBERT CANT WAIT TO, SEE THE CHANGES T ASKED YOU TO MAKE ‘ON THE INTERFACE. | IN THE MEANTIME. TONLY DID WORK FOR PEOPLE WHO YELLED AT ME EVERY DAY. ‘OUR LAST MEETING. WAS TWO MONTHS ‘AGO. YOU MUST BE FINISHED BY NOW. MICROMANAGEMENT HAS A BAD REPUTATION, BUT TM NOT TOO PROUD | ‘TO SAY T NEED IT. HAVENT. STARTED YET. OKAY... WELL, 1 OPTIMISTIC THAT YOU CAN MAKE. THOSE CHANGES FOR ME BY NEXT WEEK. BY SCOTT ADAMS THAD A FEW. QUESTIONS. } ‘FIGURED ID ASK YOU ABOUT THEM. THE NEXT TIME WE TALKED. T PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE ASKED MY QUESTIONS,I USE MOST OF MY. ENERGY PRETENDING TO WORK, BUT I CAN ADD A LAYER OF FAKE THAVE VAGUE PETES CONS TO WE NEED TO HAVE A SENSE OF URGENCY. URGENCY IF YOU REALLY NEED IT. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘25815 ©2018 Scam Adame, Ina. Pye ekTHE NEL SOFTWARE WILL INTERRUPT YOU EVERY FIVE MINUTES $0 YOU DON’T GET CARPAL TUNNEL. ARENT YOU WORRIED IDONT THAT’S WHY THE SOFTWARE WILL GET THAT. T'S FUNNY. REPLACE YOU? | HEE—HEE! [email protected] a 5 5 2 5 5‘THE CEO OF APPLE SAYS A LEADER, SHOULD ADMIT WHEN HE’S WRONG. THAT WON'T WORK FOR ME BECAUSE I NEVER WRONG. THE BEST I CAN DO 1S ADMIT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE THAT SORT OF MISSES THE POINT. Dilbert.com [email protected] 22075 ©2018 Scot Adams, Me. ot by Umer UaeI FOUND A BACKDOOR ; INTO NASA‘S ASTEROID 2 TRACKING SATELLITE. I SEE THAT A BIG ONE IS HEADING DIRECTLY TOWARD. . I MUST FILL MY YOU FINAL DAYS WITH LOVE. MEARS, Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Zan3 e219 Soon Adams, IneOUR ENGINEERS BUILT A NUCLEAR ROCKET TO BLAST AN INCOMING ASTEROID OUT OF ITS COLLISION COURSE WITH EARTH. BUT WE DIDN'T USE THE WELL, APPROVED CORPORATE ReUD MO FONT ON THE NOSE CONE AND WE MISSED THE LAUNCH WINDOW TRYING TO Dilbert.com [email protected] é i : gDILBERT ‘ARE YOU COMING TO THE CODE MOCKING? HA HA! HIS CODE, TS HILARTOUSLY INEFFICIENT! BY SCOTT ADAMS CODE MOCKING 1S AN THE NEW ENGINEER. ENGINEERING TRADI— TS REQUIRED TO TION. IT HAPPENS: MOCK THE PREVIOUS: WHENEVER A SOFTWARE ENGINEER'S WORK. PROTECT 1S HANDED INA PUBLIC WAY. TO A NEW ENGINEER. UE SPECTATORS GET TO VOTE ON WHETHER, THE OLD CODE IS KILLED OR SPARED. GAAAI!! THE CODE IS T FORGOT TO OFFENDING MY ENGIN MENTION THAT SOME— EERING SENSIBILITIES! TIMES THE CODE WINS. ‘17'S KILLING ME!T APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT. I COULDN’‘T HAVE FAILED WITHOUT YOU. IT ADDED ALL OF THE PRODUCT FEATURES: THAT EACH OF YOU DEMANDED. NOW OUR PRODUCT Is A WORTHLESS HODGEPODGE OF COMPLEXITY. Dilbert.com [email protected] : 5 & a‘T ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY YET ARE INEXPLICABLY ABLE TO DO MATH. ‘Jae G2013 Soot AAS, Ine oe H Umer Ua ef 8 5 3 8 2 g 2 a : 8 2I HIRED THE DOGBERT ERGONOMIC CONSULT — ING COMPANY TO TELL Us ABOUT THE HEALTH. BENEFITS OF STANDING. THAT'S THE TOPIC IT? ISN'T AS. See | COMPLICATED BE GOOD. AS YOU MIGHT Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘227-3 02013 Soot ACamS, NG os UmerWHY DoES IS TT EVERYTHING BECAUSE YOU SAY YOURE A DID I MISS THE CONTEXT FOR THIS CONVERSATION? T HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOURE TALKING. TM WHAT YOU CALL A NATURAL LEADER BECAUSE OF MY COMMUNICATION SKILLS. 4 3 1 i z Dilbert.com [email protected] Dan o201s Soon Adams,OF ot wo zoo tz Gey unre aeDILBERT WALLY, YOU HAVE, ACCOMPLISHED NONE OF YOUR GOALS. 1 HAVE TO LET YOU Go. ACTUALLY, T ACCOMPLISHED TL SPENT THE PAST TEN YEARS CREATING ‘A TANGLE OF UN— DOCUMENTED PRO— GRAMMING CODE. BY SCOTT ADAMS EVERY ONE OF OUR MAJOR SYSTEMS 1S, LINKED TO TT. IF I DONT ENTER A PASSWORD EVERY DAY, THE ENTIRE COMPANY WILL GO INTO A TECH NOLOGY DEATH SPIRAL. TE YOU VALUE YOUR, JOB, YOULL GIVE ME ‘A.HUGE RATSE AND DANCE ON THIS TABLE LIKE A MONKEY!!!WAS THAT ENOUGH FORESHADOWING OR SHOULD I SAY SOME— THING ABOUT HOW THEY TREAT SPIES? ‘NO, YOU NAILED IT. 7 ; i 5 8 i i H ‘82019 Soom Adams Inc/00: oy Unrate26 a $i SEIT SOUNDS WORSE THAN IT WAS. I HAD A PRIVATE OFFICE AND. ALL I DID WAS APP DEVELOPMENT. THE NORTH ELBONIANS. ACCUSED ME OF BEING A SPY AND PUT ME IN A FORCED LABOR CAMP. TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH YOU SUCK. [email protected] 5-15-15 2013 Soom ACaM, Ine. b Umer Dilbert.comIT WAS THE FIRST TIME T HAD EVER EXPERTENCED MEAN— INGFUL WORK AND T GOT CARRIED AWAY. SERI— OUSLY? TWAS GONE FOR ONE WEEK! I GOT KICKED OUT OF A NORTH ELBONIAN LABOR CAMP FOR WORKING TOO HARD. = ©2018 Soot Adame, Ine. ie by erm bok Dilbert.com [email protected]WE BOUGHT THE COMPANY JUST TO GET THE ENGINEERS. BASICALLY, EACH ENGINEER COST US A MILLION DOLLARS. THIS IS ONE OF THE ENGINEERS THAT WORKS AT THE START— UP WE PURCHASED. IMSO THAT UNDER- | MONEY DIDN'T GO PAID! Fron! Dilbert.com [email protected] Suis 1s ©2019 Scott Adame, Ine oa ty UmeaDO SOMETHING THAT’S WORTH A. MILLION DOLLARS. T WANT TO SEE WHAT THAT LOOKS WE BOUGHT A START—UP JUST SO WE COULD GET THE ENGINEERS, INCLUDING YOU. CAN YOU TURN MY DIET COKE ENTIRELY INTO SINCERE. (WINE? Dilbert.com [email protected] Soie 12 ©2079 Scomt Adams, ING by raDILBERT YOUAS AN ENGINEER, TURN AROUND, 50, 17's Jal u Hi ‘SURE, TE THAT MAKES, YOU FEEL, BETTER, BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘CAN YOU SHOW. ME HOW TO SET UP MY WIRELESS. ROUTER AT HOME?, “[ MAY PHONE KEEPS: HOW LONG T FREEZING UP. CAN OUD || Cet ON YOU LOOK AT IT? BARBECUE | MY WATER. TRI-T1? JJ HEATER IS HOW DO YOU FIX CRACKS, INA DRIVE- WAY? 2 S > = TALK TO THE ANGEL OF || IN. MY COMPETENCE, |] CUBTCLE. HAVE YOU |] THATS. SEEN HIM?_}{ ALL TM T NEED TO. HE DIED SAYING,I BOOKED YOUR FLIGHT TO THE POLLUTED CAPITAL OF ELBONIA. Dilbert.com [email protected] THEIR SMOG HAS IF YOU HAVE AN HARDENED INTO A ASTHMA ATTACK, SOLID. USE THIS THE TREATMENT IS MACHETE TO HACK A. THE SAME AS FOR A SEA TUNNEL THROUGH IT. =| URCHIN STING; YOULL NEED TO URINATE ON YOUR LUNGS.WAS IT A LONG, RAMBLING EMAIL. THAT STUMBLED FROM ONE BARELY COHERENT POINT TO ANOTHER? DID EVERYONE READ MY EMAIL ABOUT HOW TO IMPROVE OUR COMMUNICATION? Dilbert.com [email protected] 3-19-13 ©2019 Soot Adams, Inc Ort Vers Ue.FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES YOURE SCHEDULED TO GLARE AT ME LIKE AN IDIOT. WHAT’S NEXT ON MY SCHEDULE? Dilbert.com [email protected] 53-20-13 ©2018 Seam Adame, Ine. an byrne bok‘YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO FOLLOWERS, AND NO SOCIAL INFLUENCE WHATSOEVER. YOUR ENGINEERING EXPERIENCE LOOKS GREAT, BUT YOUR. SOCIAL MEDIA SCORE TS NEARLY ZERO. BECAUSE NO, IM. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘3-21-13 ©2018 Scot Adame, In. Once mes OakTHAT'S WHY T DIONT ORDER ANY DONUTS FOR YOUR MEETING. MANAGEMENT EXPERTS. SAY FAT LEADERS ARE VIEWED LESS FAVOR— ABLY THAN ATHLETIC ONES. ICAt TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY LOOKING LIKE THAT. Dilbert.com [email protected] 3-22-13 62018 Soot Adams, Inc:DID I FORGET NO. IM NOT A ARE COMPLICATED THING? te ALL IT DOES IS DRINK COFFEE AND LOOK AT INAPPROPRIATE WEB— SITES. T BOUGHT A ROBOT TO REPLACE YOU. 3-23-13 ©2018 Scot Adams, INGOs ty era Yak § iS 5 g 8 8 8 2 5 : i 3DILBERT reshe eae |e SaR EE. PLACE HAPPINESS? DIRECT DEPOSIT. WHAT ABOUT THE SATISFACTION OF DOING GOOD WORK? ‘YOU WANT TO KEEP SOME MENTAL DISTANCE BETWEEN |_| YOUR EFFORT AND "YOUR PAYCHECK, RIGHT BEFORE THEY DIE FROM STRESS— RELATED PROBLEMS, H | Ne : : i BY SCOTT ADAMS NEXT, YOU WANT. TO WORK ON PROJECTS THAT HAVE NO CLEAR GOALS OR DEADLINES.MY OBJECTIVES ARE UNCLEAR AND T THINK THE FAX MACHINE IS. PLOTTING AGAINST I™ BEING REPLACED BY A ROBOT THAT DRINKS COFFEE AND LOOKS AT INAPPROPRIATE WEB— SITES ALL DAY. LET’S HACK INTO IT AND MAKE IT DISGRUNTLED. Dilbert.com [email protected] 3:25.13 2019 Soot Adams, Inc Oe Une UeHIS WARRANTY ONLY COVERS WATER DAMAGE AND ME— CHANICAL FAILURE. IT DOESN'T COVER BAD MANAGEMENT. I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS, BUT IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOU REPLACED UNDER WARRANTY. YOUR LEADERSHIP MADE OUR ROBOT DISGRUNTLED. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘3-26.13 ©2018 Scot Adams, Ie tty Umer UxDON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. T JUST NEED TO SLOWLY KILL YOU WITH A FORCEFUL JET OF WATER. .° ° YOUR WARRANTY DOESN'T COVER A BAD ATTITUDE, BUT IT DOES COVER WATER DAMAGE. Dilbert.com [email protected] 5 : : : i 4 jTaber aC THAT IS PRE EETOTALLY, yourRom Tneht HURTING Us, SEES THAT‘S WHEN ROBOTS WILL LEARN TO PRO— GRAM THEMSELVES AND BECOME A SUPER— INTELLIGENT SPECIES THAT COMPETES WITH IM LOOKING FORWARD TO SOMETHING CALLED THE TECHNOLOGICAL SINGULARITY. HUMANS FOR LIMITED RESOURCES. | & ( Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘3:26.13 ©2019 Scot Adams, In. ety UneaseAFTER THE SINGU— LARITY, WHEN ROBOTS RULE THE GALAXY, TLL TURN THAT THING INTO MY PERSONAL SLAVE. ISEE YOU HAVE A BACTERIA—SOAKED PARASITE GROWING IN YOUR WOMB. YOURE T WONDER NOT GOOD HOW MANY ATSMALL WATTS IT TALK. CAN | PRODUCE. i 3 ; ie 5 a’ 3:25.15 2019 Scot Adams, Ine oe ty rr eh 3 =WE NEED TO FOLLOW OUR STRATEGY ROAD MAP AND STRENGTHEN OUR CORE TO BECOME THE PROVIDER OF Ete) I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ALL OF THE INSPIRATION YOU TUST GAVE ME. DO YOU MIND IF I GO. DO SOME REAL WORK WHILE YOU STAY HERE. AND MANAGE YOUR BRAINS OUT? [email protected] i 5 2DILBERT WOULD IT BE BETTER WITH THE NAVIGATION, BUTTON AT THE ‘TOP OF THE PAGE? CAN MAKE THAT CHANGE, TL KNOW YOU CAN. MAKE THE CHANGE, I’M, ASKING TF YOU AGREE IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR 8088. YOURE DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH, F i I 4 BY SCOTT ADAMS ITS NO PROBLEM, TO MOVE wt You ff Sasa MOVE THE | wy Tock BUTTON? sSO INSTEAD OF YESTERDAY, WHEN YOU FLAILING AROUND WITH | :| satD, “BRING ME SOLU— NO CLEAR DIRECTION, I |: TIONS, NOT PROBLEMS,” PLAN TO SPEND MY DAYS: TI HOPE YOU MEANT IT. LOOKING AT INAPPRO— PRIATE WEBSITES. OUR MISSION, VISION, STRATEGY, ROAD MAP. AND CORE VALUES ARE NOT ALIGNED. & i a 5 é & é Dilbert com [email protected]EITHER WEHAVEA |, BRILLIANT STRATEGY HA HA! WHY FOR STAVING OFF DON’T YOU STOP COMPETITION, OR OUR |!| CANNIBALIZING CEO IS THE VICTIM OF |2 YOURSELF? A BULLY. OUR NEW PRODUCT IS CANNIBALIZING OUR OLD PRODUCT. Dilbert com [email protected]HA HA! IT WONDER HOW MANY DECADES IT WILL BE BEFORE A ROBOT CAN REPLACE A CEO LIKE ME. IT’S CLOSER THAN YOU THINK. ALL I NEED TO DO IS REMOVE THIS (CHIP THAT CONTROLS MY EMPATHY ROUTINES. TS o2015 Soot Adame, Ine Dilbert com [email protected]THIS 15 WHAT HAPPENS WHEN OUR TECHNOLOGY EVOLVES. FASTER THAN OUR GREETINGS, CARBON— BASED UNITS. I COME TO YOU FROM THE THIRD STALL IN THE MEN'S ROOM. I TOLD WALLY HE COULD USE MY BODY FOR TELEPRESENCE. HE’S COMING ON— LINE NOW. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘e-f-13 ©2013 Seom Adams, Ine Ha by UrwralickI’M LOOKING FOR A HE’S KIND OF BUSY MONSTER NAMED REWRITING THE TAX STANKY BATHURD. CODE TO BE MORE FRUSTRATING. E 8 3DILBERT DILBERT, E WANT. YOU TO INSTALL. THE NEW FIREWALL, THERE WILL BE NO REST FOR ME. T WILL HAVE TO. DEFEND MYSELF AGAINST A CONTINUOUS BARRAGE ‘OF ACCUSATIONS. BY SCOTT ADAMS NOOO!!! | {THE FIREWALL GUY {PEOPLE WILL SAY. WHY ME? GETS BLAMED FOR, “EVERYTHING WORKED WHY ME? EVERY PROBLEM. J]; ])] UNTIL You CHANGED THE FIREWALL.” TOMA | zene FIREWALL! EVERYONE aes (1 BLAME BLAMES THE STINKIN’ | || Your prrctironxs THE FIREWALL! {AND TORCHES! FIREWALLPLEASE TELL Me -E BELIEVE 100, BUT re HAVE T HAVENT STAIRS » ACTUALLY NEIGH, SEEN HIM. I HA HA! WE'VE MADE THE TAX CODE SO COMPLEX THAT EVEN GOD WOULD BE CONFUSED. (Y Oi SERIOUSLY, DUDES? Dilbert.com [email protected] : i : é 3ID BE LYING IF I SAID IT DIDNT TURN ME ON JUST ALITTLE. IF WE DO THIS RIGHT, IT WILL BE SO COMPLI CATED THAT IT WILL MAKE TAXPAYERS’ HEADS EXPLODE. ibertcom [email protected] ‘ i i i 2 : & zGOOGLE PROVIDES A UWJI—-FI-ENABLED BUS. FOR ITS EMPLOYEES TO COMMUTE FROM SAN FRANCISCO. WHY CAN'T WE BE MORE LIKE THAT? Dilbert.com [email protected]CONTRADICTED NA MEETING. TODAY AND I DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT. TM NOT ALLOWED TO: USE MY FIST OF DEATH ON HUMANS, BUT YOU ROBOTS HAVE NO LEGAL RIGHTS. THIS IS HOW IGET MY Dilbertcom [email protected] ‘Saat 2018 Seon AdamsDID YOU KNOW IT HAD SUBROUTINES FOR. HAUNTING, REVENGE, HE HAD IT COMING. DilberGartoonist@gmailicom t i i : = 2 é = g $DILBERT THE BIGGEST TECH COMPANIES WANT TO WIN THE BATTLE FOR YOUR LIVING ROOM. BUT YOU CAN ALSO CONTROL THE LIGHTS, CURTAINS. TEMPERA— TURE AND TV BY USING YOUR BUTTOCKS LTKE A MOUSE ON THE SEAT ‘CUSHION. BUT THEY ARE le} unuitsey FOCUSING ‘ON DEVELOPING BETTER TV SETS. THIS IS A LEFT CLICK AND . THIS 18 A RIGHT. TODAY I GIVE YOU MY DESIGN FOR A FULLY DIGITAL COUCH, THE PROTOTYPE ARRIVES TOMORROW, ‘AND TLL BE TESTING TT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS. BY SCOTT ADAMS TT HAS ALL OF THE FEATURES YOU WOULD EXPECT, INCLUDING. A BUTT WARMER, ‘SURROUND SOUND, BOTTLE OPENER AND BACK SCRATCHER. MAYBE TLL, SELL MY HOUSE,COMRADES OF NORTH ELBONTA, OUR NEW MISSILE WILL MAKE OUR ENEMIES TREMBLE IN FEAR! REALLY? IT LOOKS LIKE THIS ISN'T THE YOU TIED A BUNCH OF MISSILE. AND YOU HAVE CORNCOBS TO A TREE INSULTED MY GIRL— STUMP AND PUT A SMALL FRIEND. PUMPKIN ON TOP. ‘ i 5 8 j i H 2) é : 8 :i PUT IT IN A CENTRAL AREA THAT WILL DISRUPT THE ENTIRE FLOOR IF ANYONE USES IT.THE BEST WAY TO EVALUATE AN INVEST— MENT FUND IS TO LOOK AT ITS MISLEADING CLAIMS OF PAST PERFORMANCE. THE DOGBERT HEDGE FUND BEAT THE MARKET AVERAGE FOR A THREE— WEEK PERIOD... IT CAN YOU DEPENDS ON DO THAT WHAT YOU AGAIN? MEAN BY “THAT.” THAT ONE TIME. Dilbert.com [email protected] T2019 Scot Adame, Ine Oaty rer OhYOUR PLAN TS TECH— NICALLY SOUND, BUT I HAVE TO REJECT IT FOR POLITICAL REASONS I TLL COME BACK WITH SOME PLANS THAT ARE IRRATIONAL NONSENSE AND SEE IF THEY MAKE. IT PAST YOUR FILTER. TLL ALWAYS: WONDER IF THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO HANDLE THAT. Dilbert;com [email protected] ‘18-1 @2018 Scot Adame, Ine. tty eres WkHE'S THWARTING A RIVAL WITHIN THE COMPANY BY OFFERING ONLY PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE ENGINEERING SOLUTIONS. HAVE YOU HEARD ANY RUMORS ABOUT WHAT. IS DRIVING OUR BOSS‘’S DECISIONS LATELY? MY WORK HAS: MEANING, BUT IT’S NOT THE GOOD KIND. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Sais ©2018 Seon Adame, Me as ey Umwrs UatSHOULD I GO TAKE A NAP OR SHOULD T IGNORE SCIENCE LIKE SOME SORT OF POINTY— HAIRED BABOON? STUDIES SHOW THAT WELL—RESTED PEOPLE ARE MORE PRODUCTIVE. ILIKE TO SYNCHRON— IZE MY QUESTIONS TO HIS BANANA—EATING. [email protected] "Sa018 Scot Adame, Ine Onc Umar E 8 5DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS WALLY, HOW TT 15 TIME CAN TLEARN TO SOR NOU TOT EARN LET ME SHOW YOU. TOLERATE MY ! Je TOLERATE MY ABOUT TRUST, ASOK. | aes THIS TS CALLED. THE “TRUST FALL” YOU! FALL BACKWARD AND TRUST ME TO CATCH | F 1S HOW T TOLERATE MY COMY INVENTION WILL CHANGE THE WORLD AND GET ME PROMOTED THREE LEVELS ABOVE YOU. SORRY. IM NO USUALLY WORRIES. MORE THIS WAS SUBTLE. A DECOY. HAA-CHAAA! [email protected] i 2 3 g Dilbert comTD LIKE EACH OF YOU TO WRITE FICTIONAL BIOGRAPHIES THAT DESCRIBE THE DAILY LIVES OF OUR TYPICAL CUSTOMERS. MOST OF ‘T FEEL OUR CUS— WE NEED TO KNOW YOURE NOT HOW OUR CUSTOMERS LIVE AND WORK. TOMERS [TAKING THIS SERTOUSLY. ,OROWN IN AQUARIUMS, er i : 8 i 5 ‘S-25-13 2018 Seat Adams, Ine yrALL OF THE INTUITION? YOU MEAN GUESSING? Dilbert.com [email protected] 5-24-15 ©2018 Scot Adams, In. ty mera UaekMY PARENTS TAUGHT ME THAT IF T WORKED HARD, I COULD BE ANY— THING T WANTED. HIS. PARENTS SOUND LIKE | MAYBE HE DIDN'T DEN: WORK HARD. AND YOU CHOSE ... THIS? Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘S7is-ts 2019 Soot Adams, INCWHILE WE HAVE THIS CHANCE ENCOUNTER, T LWONDER IF YOU COULD SHARE YOUR SECRETS FOR CAREER SUCCESS. [email protected] Dilbert com AVOID ASSOCIATING WITH LOSERS BECAUSE THEY WILL LOWER YOUR, STANDARDS AND SUCK THE ENERGY OUT OF YOU. WOULD YOU MIND TAKING THE STAIRS?DILBERT YOUR BONUSES THIS YEAR WILL BE BASED (ON THE USUAL FORMULA, UNFORTUNATELY. PEOPLE WHO YOU HAVE NEVER MET DID A BAD JOB OF MARKETING AND SALES ARE TERRIBLE, 50% 1S BASED ON PURE LUCK, ‘AND FOR THAT, YOU ENGINEERS MUST BE PUNISHED. NO BONUSES. FOR YOU. ‘AND 50% 15 BASED ON THE PERFORMANCE ‘OF PEOPLE YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN MET. LUCKILY FOR ME, MY BONUS TS BASED ON HOW WELL T CAN, CONVINCE YOU TDTOTS: TO WORK HARD WHILE GETTING NO BONUSES. BY SCOTT ADAMS THIS YEAR, THE LUCK FACTOR WAS GOOD. OUR INDUSTRY EXPERIENCED HUGE CONSUMER DEMAND. ) ‘TL DONT LIKE TO BRAG, BUT IM. FAIRLY SURE IM NALLING IT.2 E 5 3 MAYBE I SHOULD TRY SOME— THING ELSE. “peneunin/arsey 3M) SUBPY OIG C10 Er-oe (MY PASSION BUT IT ONLY MADE ME FAT. Dilbert.com [email protected] THIS COMIC ENDS EARLY BECAUSE SOME. IDIOT EMBEDDED THE PUNCH LINE IN THE SETUP. e018 Soot Adam, Ine ey Umer okSHOULD WE LISTEN TLL HAVE TO DO TO THE CONTENT, TOO, SOME RESEARCH AND. OR WILL THAT JUST GET BACK TO YOU. CONFUSE US? UNDERLINGS, LISTEN TO THE CHARISMATIC TONE OF MY DEEP, CONFIDENT VOICE! t i g 5 Dilbert.com [email protected]SO THAT'S MY PROBLEM, AND IM CURIOUS HOW YOU WOULD TRY TO SOLVE IT IF YOU WERE ME. Dilbert.com [email protected] YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT MY OPINION? YUP. SO FAR VEER TS NATED ALL OF THE CHOICES THAT IDIOTS WOULD MAKE.MY 12—YEAR—OLD WANTS TO KNOW WHAT CAREER WOULD PREVENT HIM FROM BEING REPLACED BY A ROBOT. I'VE MET YOUR SON, AND I PRETTY SURE HE COULD BE REPLACED BY A HAMMER. MAYBE THE ROBOTS CAN USE HIM AS FURNITURE. Dilbert.com [email protected] 'S-a-13 ©2018 SeoT AdEME, Ine by rahOR MAYBE YOU COULD IMPROVE YOUR CHARISMA BY FIXING YOUR CHARACTER FLAWS D OF MAKING ME NO, IM FAIRLY SURE THE PROBLEM WITH MY ae ON YOUR EXPERTS SAY I CAN APPEAR CHARISMATIC BY SETTING HIGH EXPECTATIONS. S-r-18 ©2089 Scom Adams, Ie by row Vk § S 5 g 8 8 g 2 5 : i 3DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS HE SAYS HE MIGHT WHAT?! HAVE LEFT SOME— THING INSIDE YOU. A SPONGE? A SCALPEL? HE SAYS HE USED. YOUR TORSO TO STORE HIS VALUABLES WHILE (CHE WENT FOR A RUN.TWAS TELECOMMUTING, DID BUT NOW OUR COMPANY IGIVE NO, AND POLICY FORBIDS IT, SO YOU ANY YOU CAN HERE T AM. ASSIGN— IMAGINE 2] MENTS IN HOW DIS— THOSE FOUR APPOINTED YEARS? TAM NOW. \ Dilbert.com [email protected]‘SEE A PICTURE OF MY INFECTED TOE? ° ie z 3 3 2 Q aID SHAKE BUT T HAVE COFFEE IN ONE HAND, MY RANDOM DRUG TEST SAMPLE IN THE OTHER, AND I DON’T WANT EITHER ONE TO GET COLD. a adie | I WALLY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE CEO OF THE COMPANY THAT IS. OUR BIGGEST CUSTOMER. HEY, I'™ NOT THE ONE WHO MADE THIS : 3 | 3 : AWKWARD, 'S-a-T2 ©2009 ScoT Adams, ING. oy Oia Dilbert comDO YOU MIND IF BRLD T CHECK CONSIDER MY EMAIL? “TT RUDE. i Dilbert.com [email protected] So oaara Seon Adams, netaREALLY? YOU MEAN WE FOUND A WAY TO MAKE THEM STOP OBSESSING OVER MY PAY PACKAGE? TRY CANCELING ALL. MATERNITY LEAVE AND SEE IF IT MAKES THEM STOP TALKING ABOUT TELECOMMUTING. EMPLOYEES ARE INA FUROR OVER OUR NEW POLICY OF BANNING TELECOMMUTING. La if | Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Scjo-is 2019 Soot Adame, Ine eee Uno UeFINE. I'M OVERWORKED AND UNDERPATID. I HATE MY CO-WORKERS, I DON’T] HAVE THE RESOURCES TO DO MY JOB, AND WE HAVE NO CLEAR STRATEGY. ©2013 Soot Adams, Ine beh Users Uae [email protected]DILBERT ‘TM LOOKING FOR ‘AN EMPLOYEE WHO TS CREATIVE EACH OF HIS CONDITIONS 15 HIGHLY CORRELATED WITH CREATIVITY. THAT'S ME. T HAVE ADHD AND DYSLEXIA, ‘TM ALSO BIPOLAR AND SCHIZOPHRENIC. J) WOW. T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. IT MUST BE HARD GOING THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT ANY CREATIVITY. BY SCOTT ADAMS WELL... THAT'S 1 “surParsine, TT MIGHT WHATS I Be'Some }] HAPEENTNG |] E67 OF HERE? )] CREATIVEDID YOU JUST TALK PREPARE. HIM INTO WEARING A TO BE REMOTELY CONTROLLED SHOCKED. SHOCK COLLAR? WEARABLE COMPUTING 18 THE NEXT BIG THING. THIS 1s MY PROTOTYPE OF A NECKLACE COM— OnE PEOPLE THINK Dilbert.com [email protected]DO YOU KNOW WHAT STEVE JOBS, WARREN BUFFETT, GANDHI, AND RYAN SEACREST HAVE IN COMMON? NONE AND OF THEM THEY ARE READ THIS CARBON BOOK. epee EXEES TM READING A BOOK ABOUT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A GREAT LEADER. Dilbert.com [email protected] Suiveia ©2018 Scott Adame, Ines by Users oaAS YOU REQUESTED, I RESEARCHED ALL OF THE BEST-SELLING BOOKS ON THE TOPIC OF LEADERSHIP. APPARENTLY, LEADERSHIP IS THE PRODUCT OF SOCIOPATHIC TENDEN— CIES PLUS LUCK. ALL OTHER PERSONALITY TRAITS ARE INACTIVE DID YOU I ONLY ACTUALLY NEEDED TO READ ALL KNOW THEY OF THOSE WERE ALL DIFFERENT. INGREDIENTS. Dilbert.com [email protected] "2018 Scomt Adams, In aby ran UaeIF I COMPLAIN ABOUT A CO-WORKER, CAN YOU HANDLE IT DISCREETLY AND KEEP ME OUT OF IT? DILBERT SAYS YOURE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF GARBAGE. HE GUESSED. IT WAS YOU, Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Suib ©2018 Scott Adame, InesGAAA!! EVERY TIME T LEAVE MY CUBICLE, SOMEONE PUTS A DOCUMENT ON MY HOW DO YOU TPUT KEEP YOUR _EVERY— CUBICLE THING ON SO NEAT? ALICE'S THAVE AN IN-BOX! STOP LEAVING STUFF IN MY CHATRI!! \ im “ Dilbert.com [email protected] ~i7=13 2019 Soot Adame, Ine eee UmeaWHAT? I THOUGHT I WAS COACHING AND MENTORING. PLEASE STOP MICROMANAGING ME. i i a g é a 5 : a LI: Dilbert.com [email protected]DILBERT WE'RE REPLACING OUR, OUTDATED SYSTEM OF ANNUAL PERFORMANCE, REVIEWS, THEY DONT. HAVE ANY CASH VALUE. ae THE NEW SYSTEM IS CALLED GAMMIFICATION. 17'S, ‘A HOT NEW TREND. | COMPLETING TASKS. BY SCOTT ADAMS CAN WE OPT FOR THE CASH VALUE OF THOSE BADGES, RISBONS, AND AWARDS? EMPLOYEES CAN WIN BADGES. RIBBONS. ‘AND AWARDS FOR, EXCEPT IN THE NARROW SENSE OF HAVING NO FUNC— TIONAL, ECONOMIC, OR EMOTIONAL VALUE.IM DOUBLE—MUGGING NOTHING BECAUSE I HEARD THAT PASSION IS NECESSARY FOR SUCCESS. BY 4PM ILL BE SO PASSIONATE I1L BE DATING MY CHAIR. Dilbert.com [email protected] 3-70-19 ©2013 SCOT Ades, ING tbr ckTHE SECRET OF OUR. COMPANY'S SUCCESS IS THAT WE HIRE GOOD PEOPLE. WHAT? Dilbert;com [email protected] mM “rm coon: PERE NEVER HEARD A COMPLIMENT. AT WORK, WHAT IS THAT FEELING INSIDE ME? IS IT THE THING CALLED SELF-ESTEEM? 5-212 62018 Seow Adama ING (Oe rence "IGNORE my ree GOOD—I LOOKING FOR, IDEAS ON HOW WE CAN IMPROVE OUR CORPORATE CULTURE. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘YOU COULD START BY BEING LESS OF A MICROMANAGING D-—BAG WHO HIDES LIKE A HIGGS—BOSON WHENEVER WE NEED A DECISION. T2018 Scom Adams, Ina. wa tra WILL HONESTY STILL BE TABOO IN THE NEW CULTURE?T WAS HAPPILY INCOMPETENT FOR YEARS.| »| OKAY, I'M THEN I GOT MY PH.D. AND. PEOPLE STARTED THINK— ING I COULD DO THINGS. T HIRED AN OVERQUAL— IFIED YET INCOMPE— TENT GUY TO HELP ON YOUR PROJECT. 2 E z g § Dilbert.com [email protected]HOW YOU KNOW DO YOU BECAUSE KNOL THE BUSI— YOUHIRED — NESS IS THE RIGHT SUCCESSFUL. ONES? fe YES, SO THE I KEY TO BECAUSE SUCCESS 15 CIRCULAR eT HIRE IS THE KEYTO THE RIGHT. EMPLOYEES! SUCCESS? IN REASONING? THE KEY. C Dilbert.com [email protected] S725712 ©2019 Scot Adams, I.E ty Unere UADILBERT T PROGRAMMED OUR ROBOT TO MAKE MEDICAL DIAGNOSES, TT CAN SCAN YOUR, BODY USING ITS. NEUTRINO SENSOR. ROBOT, PLEASE DEMONSTRATE. BY SCOTT ADAMS DEAD MAN WALKING! YOUR BRAIN ‘Is THE SIZE OF A DRIED APRICOT. YOUR HEART IS MORE. CHEESEBURGER THAN HUMAN TISSUE. YOU WILL BE DEAD IN ELEVEN DAYS, ‘SIX HOURS, AND NINE— TEEN MINUTES. ID You PROGRAM ruventins ME TO ATE TENSIT’S CALLED THE FURRY T LIFESTYLE. I THOUGHT WHATS cunRy THING YOU MIGHT WANT TO NEUADD) sarege aL CAROL, WHY DID YOU ‘SEND ME A LINK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRESS IN ANIMAL COSTUMES? TRY IT OUT. GAME? TRY TO GET HIM TO GO ON A SAFARI. Dilbert.com [email protected]ASOK, THANKS TO MY MENTORING, SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE JUST LIKE ME. GAAAI!! SOMEONE PLEASE DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART! DE Us i ; i i i H| Dilbertcom [email protected]THE WEIRD PART IS THAT IT SEEMED REASONABLE AT THE TIME. WE HAD TO BUILD A GIANT ROBOTIC FLEA TO SUCK THE ASSETS OUT OF THE COMPANY. OUR EX—CEO NEGOTI— ATED AN UNUSUALLY GENEROUS SEVERANCE PACKAGE. Dilbertcom [email protected] 5-30-13 ©2013 SCOM Adams, In. Ht Py Uses UtI™ NOT A BIG FAN OF OTHER PEOPLE BEING SUCCESSFUL, $0 ILL SAY THE IDEA IS TERRIBLE. ... AND THAT'S MY IDEA FOR A START-UP. WHAT DO YOU THINK? REMIND YOURE ME WHY a SERTAL 1 TALK ENTREPRE— NIDIOT. Bi g@ TO YOU. Dilbert.com [email protected] Sons ©7015 Soon AGaTS, Ine or Hy Uinews UeNO PROBLEM. I CAN BE A SELF—CONSCIOUS HIPSTER IF YOU THINK THATS WHAT KEEPS THE LIGHTS ON. WHAT WOULD TKIND I NEED BESIDES AN EARRING OF DO, AND HEAD PHONES? WE ONLY HIRE PEOPLE WHO FIT INTO OUR AWESOME START —UP CULTURE. Dilbert.com [email protected] & i & 8DILBERT ‘A GOOD MANAGER LEADS BY EXAMPLE. BY SCOTT ADAMS HELD AN ENGINEER THATS LIKE TEACHING SHOULD WWE SAY TO SEE AN EXAMPLE PHYSICS BY SHOWING DUMB THINGS, T00, \TDDLE MANAGER OOTRUCR RALLIES. STARTED LEADING MAIDDLE MANAGER? ci STARTED LEADING NOW WHAT 15, HE DOING? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ‘D0 THAT? T THINK HE'S, LEADING BY EXAMPLE NOW) IM STARTING TO WONDER TF EVERY — THING T READ ON THE INTERNET IS WRONG,NO, IM ARE WORTH— YOU LESS. LAZY LAZY? WOULD HAVE | BEEN ONE THIS LITERALLY SAYS THE WORDS “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.” LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY CHANGES TO MY FIRST DRAFT. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘Sonas ©2019 Seow Adams Ine =BUT HURRY BECAUSE HE WON'T LAST LONG. SAY HELLO TO THE EPHEMERAL MIDDLE MANAGER. NOW YOU JUST LOOK STUPID. T2013 Soot Adams, Ine by rsa Dilbert.com [email protected]THIS TS WULF. HE USED TO WORK FOR A FAMOUS PHYSICIST NAMED SCHRODINGER. HE ESCAPED BEFORE THE EXPERIMENT WAS FINISHED AND NOW HE'S BOTH ALIVE AND WOW. LIKE A, T HAVE ZOMBIE? HALE A ) MIND TO BE DEAD AT THE SAME OFFENDED BY THAT. UH-OH, ( ‘56-15 07015 Soot Adams, ING fo b/Uosalcek Dilbert.com [email protected]IT KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE BECAUSE MY DEAD HALF TOLD MY LIVING HALF ALL ABOUT IT. T WAS SCHRODINGER'S CAT BACK IN THE DAY. THATS WHY IM ALIVE AND DEAD AT THE SAME TIME. PROTECT— ING YOUR CURIOSITY ON MI Wh HAPPENS? Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘So7-13 7018 Seom Adams, Ine tymeAND BY COLLABORATE. YOU MEAN WATER DOWN MY BRILLIANCE WITH THIS DULLARD‘’S BRAIN FLATULENCE. SHE ALICE, T WANT YOU Cae IF T WERE TO COLLABORATE WITH LARRY. IT _CONFI— OTHERS. DENCE. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘6-6-1 ©2018 SOT AGATE, ING by UnkDILBERT WE NEED TO HAVE A BIAS. FOR ACTION, WHY 00 YOU CARE ‘IF YOUR STRATEGY 18 PERFECT OR NOT? DONT LET PERFECT BE THE ENEMY OF GOOD. YOU JUST SAID IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO SPRAY YOUR DEFECTIVE ‘STUFF ON THE UNIVERSE| THAN IT TS TO GET THINGS RIGHT. 50... A CARPENTER SHOULD SAW THE BOARD FIRST AND MEASURE, IT LATER? i H | y ii BY SCOTT ADAMS YOUR USE OF THAT. FOLKSY SAYING MAKES MY STRATEGY SOUND A PERFECT. WAY TO. SAY THAT?GOOGLE'S GLASSES ENHANCE REALITY, WHEREAS WALLY GLASSES | MAKE REALITY LOOK LIKE IT ISN'T WORTH THE EFFORT. T INVENTED "WALLY GLASSES” TO COMPETE WITH GOOGLE’S GLASSES. Dilbert.com [email protected] z E g g 3WHAT IF MY BOSS LOOKS LIKE TWO HAIRBALLS ON AN INFECTED BLADDER? THERE’S NO WAY TO MAKE THAT LOOK GOOD. YOURE NOT OFF PLEASE, TOA TELL ME STRONG THERESA START. PLAN B. ASOK, THE SECRET TO SUCCESS IS MAKING YOUR BOSS LOOK GOOD. [email protected] "ea018 Seon Adams, Dilbert comTHAT‘S BECAUSE YOU SHUT ME OUT OF THAT SOUNDS MEETINGS AND TAKE UNSOLVABLE. CREDIT FOR MY WORK. ASOK, I CAN'T PROMOTE YOU BECAUSE. THE OTHER MANAGERS DON’T KNOW YOU. \ 5 Dilbertcom [email protected]WE USE A THIRD— PARTY LIBRARY, AND. IT ISN'T COMPATIBLE WITH THE NEW VER— SION OF WINDOWS, THE SOFTWARE YOU SOLD US STOPPED WORKING AFTER A WEEK. WHATS UP WITH THAT? WE APPRE— CIATE YOUR BUSINESS? Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘13-13 ©2019 ScoT Adams, I./9H. ty Uneres UoAIF I STAY IN GOOD HEALTH DURING MY FORTY YEARS OF SOUL— CRUSHING WORK, T MIGHT ENJOY A YEAR OR TWO OF GOOD HEALTH THIS IS WHY TIM GOING TO USE MY eve WALKER ON GOALS, YOUR GRAVE! IM BEATING THE SYSTEM BY EXERCISING IN MY CUBICLE. ; WHEN IT RETIRE. Dilbert.com [email protected] Sis 1» ara Seon Adams, neALL I DID THIS WEEK WAS REARRANGE BITS ON THE INTERNET. I HAD NO REAL IMPACT. ON THE PHYSICAL I CANT RULE OUT THE POSSIBILITY THAT IM OKAY, STILL AN ALREADY DEAD AND T OPEN QUESTION. DON’T KNOW IT. Dilbert com [email protected]DILBERT YOU LOOK GOOD ON PAPER, BUT HOW DO | T KNOW YOU AREN'T LYING ABOUT YOUR, ‘SKILLS? FOR EXAMPLE, T MIGHT. NEED TO CONVINCE OUR, CUSTOMERS THAT OUR PRODUCTS ARE BETTER THAN THE COMPETITION YOU SHOULD HOPE T AM LYING, ‘OR TIGHT NEED ‘TO DUPE SOME IDIOT INTO LEAVING MY CUBICLE SO T.CAN CONCENTRATE. STUDIES SHOW THAT PEOPLE WHO EXAGGERATE THEIR CREDENTIALS TEND TO BE MORE EFFECTIVE, ONCE HIRED. ‘ANYONE CAN LEARN. TECHNICAL SKILLS, BUT LYING TS AN BY SCOTT ADAMS THAT'S BECAUSE MIS— LEADING PEOPLE 15 A VALUABLE BUSINESS: HE PERFECT, DOESNT ] TLL TELL HAVE AN || HUMAN HONEST |/RESOURCES: BONEIN || TO SENDMEANWHILE ON PLANET EPSILO! WELL, THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN . i i i i i 2 5 i a : Dilbert.com [email protected]STUDIES SAY THAT HAVING TOO MANY SMART PEOPLE IN A GROUP LOWERS PRODUCTIVITY. SO I SEEDED THIS PROJECT TEAM WITH AN IDIOT TO BOOST PERFORMANCE. MY STRATEGY OF NOT PAYING ATTENTION IN SCHOOL IS FINALLY PAYING OFF. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘i8-13 ©2019 Scot Adame, Ine,/on oy Umrens JaTHE CLASS I TOOK IN ACTIVE NON-LISTENING IS REALLY PAYING OFF. it I NEED THIS BY YOU'VE GIVEN ME SO MANY PROJECTS THAT T HAVE mo WAYS TO “AIL. TUESDAY. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘ois ©2018 Soom ACaMS, Ne Key UmerCOMPANY POLICY SAYS IT HAVE TO RATE ONE— THIRD OF MY STAFF AS. “DOES NOT MEET EX— PECTATIONS.” I CHOSE THE TWO OF YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO UPPER BODY STRENGTH. THIS WAY IT'S SAFER IF YOU GO. I THOUGHT YOU SAID I SHOULD TELL THEM THE REASON T PICKED THEM. NOT THE BERSERK. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘203 Scomt Adams, Ina. urYOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR ASSIGNMENT BY THE DEADLINE. IT WON'T MATTER AS. LONG AS ONE OTHER EMPLOYEE IS ALSO LATE, BECAUSE THE PROJECT CAN’T MOVE FORWARD. UNTIL EVERYONE DOES THEIR TASKS. Dilbert.com [email protected] T2019 Scom Adams Ine ean ek YOU KNOW HOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO FINISH THAT THING?TD LOVE TO HELP YOU, BUT I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF DEFRAGGING MY DISK DRIVE. WHEN THAT’S DONE, MY COMPUTER WILL BE COMPILING CODE FOR ‘A FEW HOURS. T HEAR BAD THINGS: ABOUT IT. & a 2 i 3 ‘208 Scomt Adams, In. rw traDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘IM ON A DEADLINE, ‘TF ANYONE TELL YOUR Jf HELL $0 DONT LET ANYONE GETS PAST YOU, BOSS TO FIRE ME DISTURB ME FOR AT YOURE FIRED. COME TOMY |] “TET TM YOUR CEO! DISTURB YOUR BOSS [NOW OR TLL FIRE YOU! LEAST AN HOUR, | orice Now] orstuns HEARD THAT. youre [P YN GETTING AND TF YoU DISTURB FIRED SUDDEN WAVE OF ME. YOU'RE FIRED! TF YOU | EUPHORIA,NO PROBLEM. TLL USE MY TIME MACHINE TO GO BACK TO AN ERA IN WHICH MAILING ORIGINAL SIGNATURES MADE SOME KIND OF I WONDER IF THERE WILL EVER BE A WAY TO SEND IMAGES OVER THE TELEGRAPH SYSTEM. YOULL NEED TO MAIL ME THE ORIGINAL SIGNATURE PAGE AFTER EVERYONE SIGNS IT. Dilbert.com [email protected] 2013 Seo Adams, Ie. by Urs VastMY WORK HAS NO. MEANING. I UNDER— STAND IT’S YOUR JOB TO FIX THAT SITUA— TION BEFORE IT BECOME REALLY? LET ME. THAT OPENS KNOW TF ALOT OF THERE'S OPTIONS. ANYTHING ,) I THINK ITS TOO LATE. YOU ALREADY SOUND DISLOYAL. ELSE T Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘this ©2018 Seon Adame, IN. sas ey Uns aSTUDIES SHOW THAT YOU CAN IDENTIFY A. NATURAL LEADER BY THE WAY HE SAYS THE WORD “GULLIBLE.” GULLIBLE! i GULLIBLE! GULLIBLE! =) GULLIBLE! GULLIBLE! | GULLIBLE! Dilbert.com [email protected]DO YOU HAVE A BINDER OF THE COMPANY ? ITs POLICIES? IN THE CLOUD. ALAN HAS BEEN OUT OF THE WORKFORCE FOR A LONG TIME. T NEED YOU TO EASE HIM BACK IN. Dilbert com [email protected] Sra 92018 ScOe Adam ING ENE wowDILBERT TM READING A GREAT MANAGEMENT BOOK ABOUT THE RULES OF LEADERSHIP. THERE ARE PROBABLY 10,000 BOOKS ABOUT LEADERSHIP, AND EACH ONE HAS A OIFFERENT. ‘APPROACH. ALLOW ME TO PUT THAT IN, ‘CONTEXT. BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘AND THERE ARE MILLIONS OF REAL LEADERS, OF WHICH NO TWO ARE ALIKE. MOREOVER, EVERY SITUATION TS UNIQUE ‘AND REQUIRES A DIFFERENT TYPE OF LEADER, AND THAT MAKES SENSE. BECAUSE ALL GREAT. LEADERS THROUGHOUT HISTORY ACHIEVED. SUCCESS BY READING ‘A RANDOM BOOK, AND YET. THIS ONE AUTHOR HAS FOUND A MAGIC FORMULA TO TRANSFORM YOU FROM. A GULLIBLE BABOON INTO A GREAT LEADER. |SIF MY JOB WERE AS :| YOU AND. MEANINGLESS AS: YOURS, IT WOULDN'T WANT MANAGEMENT TO NOTICE ME AT ALL. TD FEEL MORE LOYALTY TO THE COMPANY IF MANAGEMENT WOULD ACKNOWLEDGE MY CONTRIBUTIONS. Dilbert.com [email protected]I THINK YOU'D BE BETTER OFF LETTING ME END MY MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUN IT PAST SOMEONE SMARTER. WHO IS... Dilbertcom [email protected] 7-2-15 62018 Seow Adams Ine (eran ckDO A BENCHMARK STUDY OF EXECUTIVE ENDS UP SOMELUHERE PAY, INCLUDING THE IN THE MIDDLE SO RY OF BRUNEL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LARRY ELLISON, Gas eSuSt eS THE MEDIA IS SAYING TM OVERPAID COMPARED TO OTHER CEOS. THAT‘S i i 3 g Dilbert.com [email protected]BUT, WOW, YOUR CYBORG TECHNOLOGY IS SCORCHING HOT. DATING IN 2018 YOUR ORGANIC PARTS, ARE UNIMPRESSIVE. Dilbert.com [email protected] "Toais ©2019 Scot Adams, Inet Uarent ackTHERE WILL BE A PLANNED POWER OUTAGE ALL DAY TOMORROW. BECAUSE aa BETTER Tr UINEN FOREVER Y= WE ACT ONE IF WE sTuPIp? CALL TT ) DEDICATION, [email protected] 3 a 3 i 2 a g | 5 8DILBERT OUR LAWYER SENT OVER A SIXTY PAGE CONTRACT RENEWAL THAT I NEED YOU TO REVIEW. MAKE SURE YOU COMPARE IT TO THE ORIGINAL CONTRACT AND ALL SIX OR SEVEN. AMENDMENTS. ARE THERE, SIX OR... ‘SEVEN? NO ONE REALLY BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘CHECK OUT ‘OUR OTHER NINE HUNDRED CONTRACTS: TO MAKE SURE THIS. ONE DOESNT VIOLATE ‘ANY OF THOSE, KEEP TN MIND OUR, FIVE-YEAR STRATEGIC PLAN AND ALL LIKELY CHANGES TO TAX LAW. THEN GET BUY—IN FROM THE SEVENTEEN, MANAGERS WHO HATE MY GUTS AND WILL TAKE TT OUT ON YOU. (rome, TOMORROW. Goon Lead) ERS SET HIGH ‘STANDARDS. eetYOU THERE'S: COULD NO WAY TO MEET. CONTACT WITH THEM TO YOUR. SCHEDULE PROTECT ( DO YOU HAVE ANY WORK T CAN DO DURING THIS POWER OUTAGE? WHY DID i i i Dilbert.com [email protected]T HEARD A RUMOR THAT YOU HAVE TWO JOBS AND YOU OUT— SOURCE BOTH OF THEM TO ELBONIA AND KEEP THE DIFFERENCE. THAT'S CRAZY. T ASSURE YOU I DO NOT HAVE TWO JOBS OUTSOURCED TO ELBONIA. THAT'S A DIFFERENT CONVERSA— Dilbert.com [email protected] 17-10-13 670% SCON Adams, Ie so reveal ekWE ARE INTRODUCING OUR “EUREKA PROGRAM” TO RECOGNIZE THAT THE BEST IDEAS COME FROM EMPLOYEES. i : 3 c i Dilbert.com [email protected]DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY. MANAGERS IT TAKES To Come THAN UP WITHA YOU GOOD NAME? IT TOOK US THREE DAYS AT THE EXECUTIVE RETREAT TO COME UP WITH A NAME FOR OUR NEW PROCUREMENT POLICY. WE NAMED IT THE "PROCUREMENT OPERATIONS OVER— SIGHT POLICY.” 117i ©2019 Sov Adame, Ine /Oacty rw Or Dilbertcom [email protected]DILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS IY, zaeareerr.. || MORDAC, I NEED T.CAN ONLY UNBLOCK THIS WEBSITE ACCESS TO & BLOCKED: THE SITE IF THE HAS BEEN BLOCKED ‘SITE FOR BUSINESS DIRECTOR OF HUMAN. BY YOUR COMPANY. REASONS. T CAN ONLY MAKE. RECOMMENDATIONS. ‘OUR CIO STILL HAS RESOURCES SENDS ME TO APPROVE IT. A WRITTEN APPROVAL. CHIEF INFORMATION ‘CRAWL BACK INTO OFFICER ‘YOUR HOLE AND THINK ABOUT THE HOW DARE YOU BOTHER. CAREER MISTAKE YOU ME WITH YOUR TRIVIAL ‘JUST MADE! WEBSITE PROBLEI ‘CAN WE SKIP THE PART WHERE YOU ASK ME WHAT T ACCOMPLISHED. THIS WEEK?YOUR PHONE NUMBER IS MISSING A DIGIT I DIDN'T SAY AND YOUR EMAIL TT WOULD BE ADDRESS DOESN'T HAVE AN @ SYMBOL. HERE’S MY CARD. LET ME KNOW IF 1 CAN BE OF FURTHER: ASSISTANCE. Dilbert.com [email protected] 2 E z g §WHAT IF SOMETHING THAT'S MORE IMPOR— THE TANT COMES CORNER— UP AND YOU STONE DON'T HAVE OF MY WALLY, ARE YOU ALMOST DONE WITH YOUR PART OF THE PROJECT? I WORK BEST UNDER PRESSURE, SO I WAIT UNTIL THE DEADLINE IS ALMOST HERE. SYSTEM. Dilbertcom [email protected] Trib-12 ©2019 Scot Adams, MG ty Umea UkIT’S BETTER FOR ME IF NONE OF MY UNDER— LINGS ARE QUALIFIED TO TAKE MY JOB. ITHINK GAA YOUJUST | HATE TAUGHT — TTWHEN ME SOME: DO WOULD YOU BE MY MENTOR? Dilbert.com [email protected] TaiT-Is ©2018 Scott AdaM, ING /On. ty rer rhWE'VE BEEN USING THE DOGBERT OFFSITE DOCUMENT STORAGE SERVICE FOR FIVE YEARS, AND FRANKLY, I’M CONCERNED. YOUR SERVICE If T WOULD CANCEL TRUCKS LOOK YOUR SERVICE IF T SUSPICIOUSLY COULD FIND THE LIKE GARBAGE CONTRACT. ITS IN “STORAGE.” \ [email protected] 48 2 £ 3 a Dilbert comTHIS IS WHEN YOU SAY SOME— THING WISE AND HELPFUL. OUR OFF-SITE DOCUMENT] STORAGE COSTS ARE GROWING OUT OF CONTROL. AT THIS RATE, OUR CORE BUSINESS CAN BE SUMMARIZED AS “PUT TREES IN JAIL.” TREES ARE JERKS. i i ; Dilbert.com [email protected]Rog KNOW HOU meee THIS LOOKS, ISNT FOR __ BUT IT FEELS GREAT EVERYONE. ON THE ) INSIDI Dilbert.com [email protected] “7-20-15 02013 Soot Adams, Ine. /Oe Ui UkDILBERT T™ NOT SURE WHAT FUNCTION MEN SERVE IN THE MODERN WORLD. MY JOB PAYS WELL, ‘90 LHAVE ALL THE MONEY I NEED. IF SOMETHING TIN MY HOUSE BREAKS, ‘T EITHER FIX TT OR PAY SOMEONE TO FIX IT. BY SCOTT ADAMS TF T WANT A BABY. TLL CALLA FERTILITY] DOCTOR. IN TODAY'S WORLD, MEN ARE LITTLE MORE THAN CARRIERS OF BAD JOKES AND FLATULENCE, GARDENER MowWs MY LAWN. NOT COMPARED TO THE ALTER NATIVES,SOON T WILL CONTROL ALL OF THE MONEY IN THE ENTIRE. WORLD. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HIDE YOUR IDENTITY. T INVENTED A DIGITAL CURRENCY THAT I CALL “BERTCOIN.” MAYBE YOU SHOULD KISS BUWHAHAHA! MY WAGGER. Dilbert.com [email protected] Tats ©2018 Scot Adams, IneIM MINING FOR BERTCOINS. IT'S A DIGITAL CURRENCY CREATED BY AN ANONYMOUS GENIUS, HEY, IM GETTIN AN EMAIL FROM A SOMALI FELLOW. WHO WANTS ME TO OPEN AN ATTACHMENT. WHAT, HAPPENED. OF MY BERTCOINS? Dilbert.com [email protected] 7-25-13 2013 Seott Adams, Ine Oe. UmerTHANK YOU FOR REMOVING THE LAST SHRED OF MEANING FROM MY WORK. CAN T IGNORE THE NEW REVISIONS, TOO? IGNORE THE PAGE REVISIONS I SENT OUT TEN MINUTES. AGO. YOUR BOSS: REVISED THEM IM ONLY ASKING BECAUSE THAT WAS: MY PLAN. ITS WHAT Dilbert com [email protected] Tiras ©2018 Scam Adams, Ine Oxy rw ehYOU CAN'T BE AN YOU LEAVE ME NO ENGINEER FOR THIS COMPANY IF YOU. HAVE NO GRASP OF BUSINESS ETHICS. YOU FAILED THE ONLINE ETHICS COURSE FOR THE THIRD TIME. CHOICE. I’M PUTTING YOU ON THE MANAGE— MENT FAST TRACK. Dilbert.com [email protected] Tea Scam Adame, neTHE PART OF YOUR IT APPEARS THAT YOU BRAIN THAT WOULD SPEED—EVOLVED PART NORMALLY CONTROL OF YOUR BRAIN INTO ETHICS 1S FILLED A COFFEE RESERVOIR. WITH SOME SORT OF WARM, BROWN YOUR BRAIN SCAN SHOWS TREMENDOUS MANAGEMENT POTENTIAL. PEOPLE THINK I DON’T HAVE LIQUID. Dilbert.com [email protected] "e208 Scam Adame, neDILBERT ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING THIS WEEK BECAUSE T WAS INA ‘TRAINING CLASS. TOIONT. APPROVE, ANY, TRAINING EXPENSES. TM PRO- ACTIVE AND EMPOWERED, BY SCOTT ADAMS AND WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THIS ALLEGED CLASS? ‘ADVANCED SCRIPTING STRUCTURE FOR INTERNETWORK OPTI- IZATION OF SQL’ DATABASES. DO YOU LIKE HOW T.COMBINED AGGRES— SIVENESS WITH MY BASELINE LEVEL OF USELESSNESS? THAVE \ You MIGHT GOOD || NEED MORE FEELING || “AGcnes— ABOUT NN ABOUT || SIVENESSYOUR FIRST TEST ON THE MANAGEMENT FAST TRACK INVOLVES RESCUING A PLASTIC BABY AND A BAG OF MONEY FROM A WEASEL. UWERSEL THEN CATCH THE MONEY AND THE lm Next say THOSE BABY BEFORE THEY INSTRUC— REACH THE GROUND. S TIONS Dilbert.com [email protected]HERE'S THE HOTSHOT THAT. EVERYONE SAYS WILL SOMEDAY TAKE MY JOB. [email protected] IM GOING TO MENTOR YOU SO HARD YOUR INTESTINES WILL @ END UP IN YOUR SKULL. I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY PEOPLE USE THE @ STAIRS.CAN YOU ATTEND OUR we TUESDAY TELECON— MEETING? = FERENCE. THAT WILL MAKE ME WONDER IF YOU CALLED IN, PUT YOUR PHONE ON MUTE, AND TOOK A NAP. WE USELESS PEOPLE CALL THAT. WEASELABLE DOUBT. Dilbert.com [email protected] 7-33 ©2018 Seon Adams, I. ey Umar Ua: ; PRODUCTIVITY WENT |8] PRODUCTIVITY WENT [2], HAVE. No, BUTT DOWN WHEN WE MOVED JZ] DOWNAGAIN WHEN |: | WE TRIED pont cee THE ENGINEERS FROM [6] WE TRIED THE OPEN [2] PUTTING Gyiy qHaT PRIVATE OFFICES TO |? OFFICE PLAN. a] CALL OF WOULDN'T CUBICLES. 5 2 PE VAN tOnk Fi 2] ONE CLOWN . g 3] CAR? H i ) : 3 5 e z “LaDILBERT BETTER THAN I CALL GO?) | EXPECTED. TRANDOMLY AGREED TO A FEW THINGS, BUT I DONT KNOW WE SPENT THE FIRST 45 MINUTES TRYING TO GET OUR ONLINE COLLABORATION TOOLS TO WORK, TL THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WENT. THEN WE COULDN'T AGREE ON WHAT WE. WERE TRYING TO. ‘ACCOMPLISH, IT DID. 1 GO. INTO EVERY HUMAN ENCOUNTER EXPECT — ING TO BE FRAMED FOR A CRIME I DIDNT COMMIT. BY SCOTT ADAMS "T COULDN'T UNDER— STAND MOST OF THE ATTENDEES BECAUSE THEY WERE ON SPEAKER— PHONES IN ROOMS WITH BAD ACOUSTICS, TREALLY NEED TO, FIND A PROBLEM I SRE “5AND DON’T STARE. HE HATES IT WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT HIM. ; i 5 8 i 8 2 : 8 5 iARE YOU MARRIED? Dilbertcom [email protected] I FIND THAT IT MEETS. ALL OF MY SOCIAL AND INTELLECTUAL NEEDS. 1-5-15 ©201 Seam Adams, Ine oa by nw ok DO YOU MISS THE WARMTH OF HUMAN CONTACT? | NEVER. TRIED IT. | SOUNDS PROBLEM— ATIC.DO YOU THINK SUCCESS IS MOSTLY A FUNCTION OF YOUR GENETIC MAKEUP OR YOUR UPBRINGING? MY MOM RAISED ME T HAVE NO BY PUTTING A WARM FOLLOW-UP IM NOT THERMOS OF COFFEE IN QUESTIONS, _ THE MY CRIB AND GOING IN CASE YOU CURIOUS OUT FOR THE DAY. AND WONDERED. ‘TYPE. I TURNED OUT GREAT. Dilbertcom [email protected] i i 3 g‘ema raeun S07 2U SUBY NODS EOL FT-F8LOOKS LIKE SOME— ONE UNDERESTIMATED, MY TOLERANCE FOR BOREDOM. \ BANISHMENT ROOM UNTIL YOU GET SO BORED YOU QUIT. Dilbertcom [email protected] (Gaia ©2018 Scam Adams, Inc cerePASSIVE JOB SEEKERS ARE HIDDEN GEMS FOR RECRUITERS. AND YOURE THE MOST PASSIVE ONE I’VE EVER ‘SEEN. I™ AN AGGRESSIVE RECRUITER LOOKING FOR PASSIVE JOB SEEKERS. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘0-13 8208 Seam Adams, Ine Defy ekDILBERT ‘CAN YOU APPROVE THE PURCHASE OF THIS SOFTWARE? HOW WOULD T KNOW TF IT MEETS YOUR DEFINITION OF ‘OPEN SOURCE? YOU NEED TO RUN, THE SOFTWARE LICENSE PAST. LEGAL FIRST. TT DEPENDS HOW THE LICENSE TS. WRITTEN, YOULL NEED TO ASK LEGAL TO REVIEW IT. YOU NEED TO FILL OUT A LEGAL SERVICES: REQUEST FORM, TLL EMATL IT TO YOU, NEVER MIND. TLL JUST FORGE YOUR SIGNATURE ON THE ql i ) f i BY SCOTT ADAMS MAKE SURE YOU. SPECIFY WHETHER, THE SOFTWARE 1S OPEN SOURCE OR MAYBE THIS 1S, WHY T'VE NEVER SEEN A SOFTWARE LICENSE.RECRUITERS TWILL PAY YOU A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO DROP A LONG STRAW IN THIS CUP. BACK OFF! T SAW HIM FIRST. THIS ROPE HOLDS. MY PLACE UNTIL HE WAKES UP. HEY, IS THAT A. PASSIVE JOB SEEKER? j ; i : i Dilbert.com [email protected]THE GOVERNMENT WANTS ACCESS TO OUR CUSTOMER RECORDS SO THEY CAN LOOK FOR | TERRORISTS. REALLY? Dilbert. com [email protected]DILBERT SAYS THE GOVERNMENT WANTS ME TO FILM MY COLON— OSCOPY AND GIVE THEM THE VIDEO SO THEY CAN CHECK FOR TERRORISTS. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. TERRORISTS eee COME IN ALL SIZES AND |?] yIGLATION THEY LIKE TO HIDE IN OF CAVES. MY PRIVACY. Dilbert.com [email protected] ‘2013 Scom Adams Ine OeEMPLOYEE 479 DOESN'T HAVE SHALLOU BREATHING. YOU CAN GIVE THAT ONE SOME [email protected] g i 2 i i i 2 j 3‘I FELL ASLEEP DURING THE SMALL ANIMAL SNUFF FILM AND FAILED THE SOCIOPATH MODULE. IHEARD YOU GOT BOOTED OFF THE MANAGEMENT FAST TRACK. IT OFFERED THAT TO PUNCH A SEEMS. SQUIRREL, HARSH. BUT THEY DON'T ALLOW EXTRA Dilbertcom [email protected] szie-1s ©2019 Seow Adams, INGOs by Uw orkYOU'RE LUMPING ME. IN WITH A BUNCH OF MISFITS, MORONS, AND DRUNKS. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, CREEP. CAROL, I CONSIDER, YOU FAMILY. GREAT. (©2013 SoM AGEMS, ING sty mea Uh ibertcom [email protected]DILBERT WALLY, THIS 1S MY BROTHER, PHIL, THE PRINCE OF INSUI FICIENT LIGHT. NINE ACCOMPLISH— MENTS INVOLVED FIXING PROBLEMS ‘OU CREATED. TASKED HIM TO INTERPRET YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS: FOR THIS QUARTER. FIVE OF THESE ARE JUST BUZZUIORDS THAT DONT MEAN ANYTHING, YOU HAVE 25 ALLEGED ACCOMPLISH— MENTS, AND THREE ARE DUPLICATES THAT YOU REWORDED TO APPEAR DIFFERENT. | BY SCOTT ADAMS EIGHT OF THESE ACCOMPLISHMENTS. INVOLVED SIMPLY BEING ON A PROTECT TEAM THAT DID ‘SOMETHING. ‘TD RECOMMEND HAR— VESTING HIS ORGANS, BUT THOSE PROBABLY I CONT WORK EITHER.YOURE A TEMPORARY ARRANGEMENT OF MATTER SLIDING TOWARD OBLIVION IN A COLD, UNCARING UNIVERSE, WHAT'S MY MOTI— ID I VATION TODAY? ALREADY SAY “NEEDY*? [email protected] i 5 5 Dilbert comem THIS WALK GAYS WORKING ON THAT 1S SO IMPORTANT Seance I CAN'T RISK WASTING CEN’ TO BE! FIVE SECONDS. CREATURE? TM PRACTICING MY URGENT —LOOKING WALK. : 8 5 e 8 g g 2 a : i iDEAR WALLY, ... FOR YOUR CONVINC— ING PORTRAYAL OF AN EMPLOYEE WHO DOES ACTUAL WORK. DO You ITSA THINK. DISHONOR YOULL JUST TOBE NOMINATED. YOU HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD. . . Dilbert.com [email protected] 12-15 ©2019 Scol Adams Ine.ACTUALLY, IN A FEW YEARS YOUR FUNCTION |? WELL, THAT. WILL BE EITHER WAS A TOTAL DISTRIBUTED ACROSS BUZZKILL. EXISTING ORGANIZA— TIONS OR OUTSOURCED. TAM MORDAC, THE PREVENTER OF INFOR— MATION SERVICES, AND TAM Ce Dilbert com [email protected]DILBERT T'VE BEEN ASKED. TO EXPLAIN OUR DISASTER PREPAR— EDNESS PLAN. IN THE EVENT OF AN TMPENDING COLLTSION WITH AN ASTEROID, TRY RUNNING TN PLACE WHILE THE EARTH ROTATES. IN THE EVENT OF FAMINE, TURN YOUR, KEYBOARD UPSIDE DOWN AND SHAKE, ‘TF YOU TIME IT RIGHT, YOULL BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET WHEN THE ASTEROID HITS, BY SCOTT ADAMS IN THE EVENT OF AN ALIEN INVASION, ‘YOUR BEST BET Is TO KILL A CO-WORKER TO ‘SHOW YOUR ALLEGIANCE. TO THE LIZARD-PEOPLE. IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKE MINE, YOULL FIND A POUND AND A HALF OF CRUMBS. TO PREPARE FOR EVERY OTHER TYPE OF DISAS— PRESEN— TER, T RECOMMEND TATION CULTIVATING A TASTE ISA DIS— FOR HUMAN FLESH,HIS MESSAGE SAYS HE WAS PUTTING ON HIS SHIRT AND GOT HIS HEAD CAUGHT IN AN ARM HOLE. IT’S THE NEW GUYS: FIRST DAY AND HE'S. CALLING IN SICK. ‘com [email protected] ‘2078 Scom Adams, nce oyumea ekGOOD IDEA. MY WELL—INFORMED MIND. 1S SO EASILY SWAYED BY YOUR CHARISMATIC IGNORANCE. TWON'T GIVE MY. OPINION BECAUSE T DON’T WANT TO INFLUENCE YOUR RECOMMENDATION. i i] THAT'S NOT 3] WHATIM — THEN a SAYING. WHO DID z T HEAR? t g 2 5 Dilbertcom [email protected]IT’S WEIRD HOW THAT MAKES THE COFFEE TASTE SO 1, MUCH BETTER. 7 : 5 ; 3 i 2YOU KEEP GIVING ME TRIVIAL ASSIGN— MENTS THAT MAKE ME DOUBT MY SELF— CHILL OUT. YOU DON'T HEAR THE MICROWAVE WHINING ALL DAY Dilbericom [email protected] ‘5250-15 82059 Seow Adams, IG25:by Urea UoDILBERT 50 YOUR PLAN WAS TO AVOID ME FOREVER, EVEN THOUGH WE WORK ‘ON THE SAME FLOOR? YOU NEVER RETURNED ANY OF MY MESSAGES. NO. T'VE SEEN THE QUALITY OF YOUR, WORK AND T FIGURED THERE WAS A 60% THAT YOU WOULD. DIE_IN A WORKPLACE ACCIDENT THAT THE AVERAGE IDIOT COULD EASILY AVOID. BY SCOTT ADAMS BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD TO RESPOND AFTER TGNOR— TING YOU FOR $0 LONG. FOR THE RECORD, IM THE ONE WHO WAS TRY— ING TO AVOID THIS. CONVERSATION.I PUT YOUR BUDGET ESTIMATES INTO A SPREADSHEET AS YOU ASKED. A WELL—FERTILIZED SHRUB SPROUTED. OUT OF MY IPAD. WHAT THAT'S HOW }OES YOU KNOW. THE BUDGET Dilbericom [email protected] oi-ts ©2013 Seow AdaMs, Ines bmMY DAY HAS BEEN ONE INTERRUPTION AFTER ANOTHER! N\ ALICE, "ve GAAS! \W YOU ie MY SPHINCTER EAT MY. UNDERPANTS! Dilber.com [email protected] s-3713 82059 SCOW AdaTTs, Nes byrneTHE BIG TECH FIRMS: SAY THEY NO LONGER CARE ABOUT HIRING PEOPLE WHO HAVE PRESTIGIOUS DEGREES. OBVIOUSLY, THEYRE TRYING TO SUCKER THE REST OF US INTO HIRING IDIOTS WHILE THEY VACUUM UP THE PEOPLE FROM TOP SCHOOLS. ig WE COULD SAY NEED WE GET GOOD To GET RESULTS BY IN ON HIRING ACCUSED THIs, | MURDERERS. WHO ARE OUT ON BAIL. Dilber.com [email protected] ‘ooo1s 2018 Seow Adams, Ine os ty UmarTECHNICALLY, IT WAS MY COMPANY’S INFOR— MATION THAT YOUR SPY SOFTWARE STOLE FIRST. I WAS JUST STEALING IT BACK. YOU HACKED INTO A GOVERNMENT DATA— BASE AND STOLE SENSITIVE INFORMA— [email protected] 7-13 7015 ScOm Adams Ine a reek Dilbercom DilDILBERT IF YOU FINISH YOUR, PROJECT IN TWELVE MONTHS, TLL GIVE YOU ‘A FIVE PERCENT RATSE, OF MY FUTURE PAY TO AVOID A DOUBLING OF MY WORKLOAD. ~_TWOULD GLADLY GIVE UP FIVE PERCENT YOU DON'T UNDER— STAND. T'™ GIVING YOU AN INCENTIVE TO WORK HARDER, BY SCOTT ADAMS NO, IM PRETTY SURE | | YOURE CHARGING ME FIVE PERCENT OF MY FUTURE PAY TO SIT HERE AND FEEL DIS~ ‘GRUNTLED, THATE YOU MORE THAN EVER AND T NO LONGER FIND MEANING IN MY WORK. MY DREAMS LIE, BROKEN AND EMPTY BENEATH THE RUINS: OF MY OPTIMISM. TELL IF YOURE NEGOTI— ATING OR, DYING. ITSA LITTLE OF BOTH,THE GOVERNMENT ARRESTED DILBERT FOR STEALING BACK THE DATA THEIR SPY SOFTWARE STOLE BUT DILBERT HAVE YOU WELL, IM NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE GOV— ERNMENT. LA ai 5 g a s le i Tris ©2019 Seon Adams,IS THAT OKAY, ALL THE THIS GOT REALLY? COOL. I DON'T GET TOUCHED ALOT, SOT THINK ILL ENJOY IT. WERE GOING TO WATERBOARD ‘YOU NOW. [email protected] ‘l0-12 ©2019 Soom Adams, Ine Oe. Ue Dilbertcom DilMAYBE A FEL DAYS IN SOLITARY WILL MAKE YOU TELL US HOU) YOU STOLE THE GOVERNMENT'S DATA. IS THIS SS TLL BE AT THE ELBONIAN EMBASSY.IM IT’S JUST ME AND LOOKING THIS CARD TABLE. FOR THE IF YOU NEED ASYLUM, ELBONIAN, PULL UP A CHATR. EMBASSY. 3 : ig & e 4 2 sa12-13 ©2013 Scott Adams, nerWEDONTHAVEA | LOT OF FANCY TECH- NOLOGY IN OUR EMBASSY. ARVE IT ON A PEAt AND GIVE IT TOA SQUIRREL. 13 ©2013 Seom ACM § HI 5 3 : é e E 8WE'D LIKE YOU TO TALK HIM INTO LEAVING THE ELBONIAN EMBASSY SO WE CAN EXECUTE HIM FOR TREASON. YOUR SON IS A TRAITOR WHO STOLE TOP-SECRET DATA FROM HIS OWN GOVERNMENT. § Ey 5 9} : 2 z . fl 2DILBERT DONT MAKE ANY PRODUCT CHANGES: LWITHOUT CHANGE ‘ORDERS. THAT WOULD REQUIRE A CHANGE, WHEN USERS ASK FOR NEW FEATURES, DIRECT THEM TO THE ONLINE CHANGE ORDER SYSTEM. MAYBE WE COULD TELL USERS OUR SENSE OF HOPE WAS KILLED BY ‘SOMETHING CALLED, MANAGEMENT, THAT SYSTEM ONLY HAS THE OLO Forms, | THEN WE COULD ‘SORT OF SLUMP OVER, LIKE WE'RE WATTING FOR DEATH'S COLD EMBRACE. BY SCOTT ADAMS TELL SOMEONE TO PUT THE NEW ONES ON THERE, TLL GET BACK TO YOU IF I THINK OF A BETTER PLANo> yeUB@ISIUOHwos yeUBOIsMOOMeDvEGIG WO VEGIGREPLACE ALL OF YOUR. DIMWITTED EMPLOYEES WITH SMART PEOPLE... THEN FIRE YOURSELVES. TODAY ILL TEACH YOU HOW TO INNOVATE THE WAY APPLE, GOOGLE, AND THE REST BLAH, BLAH. | TAKING BLAH. NOTES? § S 5 8 : 8 E 2 8 ‘ints 2018 Soom Adams, Ine. by Une ek6 aa a 2e5 uaa Zz Lao = aeN yh Z2rn Haw ra ree z THAT SITUATION. oI BeTHE APPLICATION 15. UNSTABLE BECAUSE THE DATA MODEL IS DRIVEN BY AN OVERLY COMPLEX RELATIONAL DATABASE. AND THERE WAS NO DOES ANY OF THAT MEAN THE SAME THING AS “LAZY? WHAT’S TAKING YOU $0 LONG ON THE PROJECT? INTEGRATION TESTING. Dilber.com [email protected] ‘So30-72 02018 SeoT Adams, Mee UreaI WANT ALL OF THAT STUFF AND I WANT WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING, WHAT THE #%e% DO YOU WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON CODE CONSISTENCY VERSUS BEST PRACTICES FOR LEGACY SYSTEMS? Dilber.com [email protected] ‘S-21-13 ©2018 Seow Adams, Ine oe UmarDILBERT ‘TM PANICKED ABOUT MY PRESENTATION. TOMORROW. ‘IT MIGHT BE SO BAD THAT YOU CANT EVEN GET A RECOMMENDATION FOR A FUTURE JOB, BY SCOTT ADAMS RELAX. WHAT'S WELL, T COULD OH. L DIDNT. THINK ASOUT THAT ONE. THE WORST THING EMBARRASS MYSELF THAT COULD HAPPEN? IN A CAREER ENDING THEN YOUD HAVE AN EMOTIONAL MELT— DOWN FOLLOWED BY SUBSTANCE ABUSE. UNTREATED HEALTH ISSUES AND A LONELY DEATH. AND TT COULD ALL, 1 GUESS 1 CAN ADD HAPPEN BECAUSE OF “COMFORTING” TO MY SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL, LIST OF THINGS IM. AS A TYPO ON ONE OF NOT GOOD AT. YOUR SLIDES.OUR CORPORATE STRUCTURE IS SO COMPLICATED THAT T HAVE NO IDEA WHERE OUR MONEY EVEN COMES FROM. I THINK IT COMES FROM DERIVATIVES. OR OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS |]. S\AYBE, OR MAYBE GOODWILL. GIVE US MONEY. Dilbert.com [email protected] 4-25-13 92018 Soot! Adams, ING. Oe 9 Unrest eeBUT I NEED A COACH WHO WON'T ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY. “THE ROT FOR WOW! EXECUTIVE THAT'S COACHING ALOT! IS 94,0002, Dilber.com [email protected] ‘1-20-13 ©2018 SCOM Adame, Ine sb wnt ackOBVIOUSLY, BEING A PSYCHOPATH WORKS. DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT. HOW'S, IT’S THE YOUR. BEST. GRANDIOSE I SHOULD SENSE OF RESEARCH SHOWS THAT CEOs ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE PSYCHOPATHS. ) Dilber.com [email protected] 5-25-13 ©2013 Scom Adams, Ines br west ekIGOT YOUR STUPID EMAIL WITH YOUR STUPID LINK TO THAT STUPID SCIENTIFIC STUDY. T DON’T CARE ABOUT | WINNING £ AN ARGUMENT YOUR SO-CALLED | NEVER FEELS FACTS. T NOW TM |) ¢ LIKE WINNING. Dilber.com _ [email protected]IN MY DEFENSE, YOU SEND MIXED. SIGNALS. IM DRAWN TO GUYS. WHO TREAT ME rere MY THERA, PIST SAYS T HAVE LOW SELF— Se Dilbericom [email protected] ‘Panetse7018 Soot Adam, IMY OPTOGENETIC* TECHNOLOGY CAN RE— WIRE THE NEURAL PATHWAYS OF OUR CUSTOMERS AND CHANGE THEIR PREFERENCES. WE REPLACED OUR ENTIRE MARKETING DEPARTMENT WITH ONE EVIL GENIUS. Dilbert.com _ [email protected] Stes ©2015 Seon Adam, neDILBERT OKAY, YOU TALKED ME INTO BUYING THE DELUXE EDITION. WATCH ME BUY THAT SAME ITEM LITH MY PHONE WHILE YOU STAND’ THERE BEING OBSOLETE. WE DONT HAVE, THAT ONE IN STOCK. BUT T COULD CALL ‘AROUND TO OUR OTHER STORES, TECHNICALLY, THAT. MEANS THIS Is NOT ACTUALLY A STORE. DID THEY TRY TO SELL YOU AN UNNECESSARY WARRANTY EXTENSION? BY SCOTT ADAMS YOURE MORE LIKE ONLINE SHOPPING BUT WITH A TERRIBLE USER INTERFACE.I HEARD THAT MARKET— ING‘S OPTOGENETIC DEVICE TWEAKED SOME OF YOUR PREFERENCES. ‘SOUNDS LIKE A WELL, BIG THE CHEESE ADJUST— PART CAME MENT. EASILY... NOW IM A GAY ANARCHIST WHO. LOVES FOOTBALL AND STRING CHEESE. Dilber.com _ [email protected] ‘sru0-T5 62019 Seow Adams, ING,arty UReeaUowos yeUBOIsMOOVeDvEGIG WO VERIGTHE VISION WAS. THE HARD PART. YOU IDIOTS CAN WORK ON THE DETAILS. BUILD A HYPERLOOP TO CONNECT EVERY MATOR CITY IN THE WORLD WITH SUPER— FAST TRANSPORTATION. SOMEONE PAT ME ON THE BACK. I CAN'T REACH IT WITH MY T-REX ARMS. ibert.com [email protected] ‘ea018 Scott Adams, ne oeTHAT'S NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT! MEETINGS ARE A COMPLETE WASTE I’M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT I SPENT 50% MORE TIME IN MEETINGS HOW WOULD T HAVE LEARNED THAT WITHOUT THIS THIS QUARTER. MEETING? Dilbericom _ [email protected] IO-3715 ©2019 SoOT Adams, ne /Der0y wma ckTHEN WE ILIKE CAN GIVE EVERY— OURSELVES THING HUGE RAISES YOU SAID, AND DONO EXCEPT THE WORK AT “WE” PART. BUT OUR MARKET — ING KEEPS IMPROVING. WERE VERY CLOSE TO THE POINT WHERE OUR CUSTOMERS WILL GIVE US MONEY FOR NO REASON. OUR PRODUCTS ARE GETTING WORSE EVERY DAY. Dilber.com [email protected] 16-7719 67019 SCOT Adams INE a. reaHOU WILL YOU BACKFILL THE JOBS OF THE PEOPLE YOU PROMOTED? OUR POLICY THAT'S IS TO PROMOTE FROM ONE WITHIN. ae aN FROM WITHIN. Dilbert.com [email protected] 10-5-15 ©2018 ScOm AGE, INC ls by Ural IEkDILBERT ‘WHO'S UP FOR SOME PEER COACHING? HAVE YOU CONSTDERED ‘THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOU CAUSE ALL OF YOUR ‘OWN PROBLEMS BY UM... BEING YOU? TERRIBLE AT THIS. TLL COMPLAIN ABOUT ALL OF MY WORK PROBLEMS WHILE YOU SIT THERE AND LISTEN, BUT THAT'S NO. SURPRISE BECAUSE YOURE TERRIBLE AT MOST THINGS. BY SCOTT ADAMS THEN YOULL ASK INSIGHTFUL QUESTIONS THAT WILL CAUSE ME TO COME UP WITH MY ‘OWN SOLUTIONS. YOU DIE [i] ANOTHER BADLY. Jl] INSIGHTFUL ‘QUESTION.I LIKE TO SOFTEN UP THE ROOM BEFORE I GO FOR MY PERFORMANCE REVIEW. I™ A HEADHUNTER AND I KNOW SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO OFFER YOU A MUCH BETTER IDIONT DO SQUAT GATS VEN aaa eN t YES! Dilbert.com [email protected] ars Seon Adams, neTHAD SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN MIND EPT INSTEAD OF GIVING é DISCOUNT, I WOULD HIT YOU WITH A CHAIR AND RUN AWAY. PLEASE OKAY, BUT DONT TLL HAVE DO THAT. TO CHARGE YOU EXTRA. CAN YOU OFFER ‘US A DISCOUNT? C Dilbert com [email protected] 1078-15 ©2018 Scot Adams, IG. by UmerLET’S ABOLISH THE LAYER OF MANAGEMENT THAT DOES NOTHING BUT DEMAND SOLUTIONS. NOW YOURE JUST BEING A IS THAT A TERK, COMPLAINT? BRING ME SOLUTIONS, NOT COMPLAINTS. Dilbert com [email protected] Sonyais ©2018 Seon AGATE,I™ AN INTROVERT. BEING NEAR YOU IS. DRAINING THE ENERGY FROM MY BODY. IM NOT ee OTAKE FEEL MY Dilbert com [email protected] io-10-T582018 ScoM Adams, I. by Umea2 ag 1 DU SWEDY HOGS EIDZO FIMTIMOtBEHOLD MY GOOGLE SEARCH ENGINE THAT WILL FIND SEVERAL EXISTING PRODUCTS THAT DO WHATEVER THAT THING DOES. BEHOLD MY NEW INVENTION, THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS. NEVER SEEN. GOOGLE: PLEASE = CRUSHING DON'T. DREAMS SINCE 1998, N Dilbert com [email protected] 2 ©2013 Scom Adams, Me et by Ura ckDILBERT TREAD AN ARTICLE THAT SAYS LEADERS SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THE ACHIEVEMENTS: OF THEIR UNDERLINGS. | —" ed HAVE YOU DONE, ANYTHING LATELY THAT WARRANTS ‘SOME PRAISE? NOU T THINK 1M ‘SUPPOSED TO PAT YOU ‘ON THE HEAD OR SOMETHING, LET'S TRY THAT AND SEE HOW WE WELL... 7M UNDER, BUDGET BECAUSE T FORGOT TO STAFF ONE ‘OF OUR PROJECTS, BY SCOTT ADAMS OKAY. T CAN WORK WITHEVERY TIME I THINK IVE INVENTED SOME— THING, I FIND OUT IT ALREADY EXISTS. MORPHIC FIELDS ARE PSEUDO— SCIENCE, YOUR DAD'S ™MOM. CRAPPY MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE ALL MINDS. ARE CONNECTED BY THE MORPHIC FIELD. "02018 Scott Adame, eos Urea eek § 8 i 2 8 g H Fy a : i i_ BUT NOW PEOPLE $0 YOUD BE GOOD TO THINK THE AMOUNT OF GO AFTER A abies) PRACTICE YOU aed OR SO HOURS. DEPENDS ON YOU GENETIC MAKEUP. SEE WHY 1 DONT Dilbert.com [email protected] & i : aI DONT ACTUALLY, HAVE A YOURE. FAMILY. MARRIED AND YOU HAVE FOUR PERHAPS: YOU'VE ALREADY ‘YOU NEED TO FOCUS: ON YOUR CAREER OR YOUR FAMILY. YOU CHOSEN. CAN'T DO BOTH. Dilbert.com [email protected] soueis 02019 Seon Adams,IN MY DEFENSE, YOURE UNDER—INFORMED AND. LESS CLEVER THAN ME. TWAS HOPING HE'D SAY, “GOOD POINT,” BUT IT WENT ANOTHER DIRECTION. YOU DIDN'T HANDLE THIS THE WAY T TOLD YOU. Lig } i Dilbert.com [email protected]IM WORKING ON A NEW FACIAL EXPRESSION TO SCARE AWAY THE WEAK. WANT TO SEE IT? THEANS 1 SATD NO! ausy To + SMD NO \ Dilbert.com [email protected] 19-18-1502010 Scom Adams, Ine Daya rkWHY IS YOUR PROJECT TAKING LONGER THAN EXPECTED? STILL, WHAT CAN i] THATS SAY TO F]ALOTOF make THIS z] PEOPLE. CONVERSA-— | TION END? : s : 2 8 é ¢ 2 a : i iDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS ANYTHING LESS THAN TEN THOUSAND LIKES 1S AN INSULT. T HIRED AN ELBONTAN, TO ARTIFICIALLY. NOT PAYING’ INFLATE ‘YOUR LIKE THAT GUY.ID LIKE YOU TO MEET THE TWO TROLLS WHO CREATE OUR ANNUAL BUDGET. BECAUSE IT’S HARD. TO REACH TO KEEP OR YOUR SOME. WHY DO WE NEED TWO OF THEM? MYSTERY. Dilber.com [email protected] g-2i- 2018 Soom Adams,WERE JUMPING ON THE FAD OF GIVING EMPLOYEES UNLIMITED VACATION TAKING ANY TIME OFF WHATSOEVER WILL TORPEDO YOUR CAREER. DAYS. \ Dilberticom [email protected] 30-22-13 02015 SCON Adams, ne Os byes ckTHERE’S NO WAY TO MEASURE PRODUC— TIVITY FOR I PLANNING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR NEW UNLIMITED VACATION POLICY. I'LL BE GONE FOR TWO HUNDRED DAYS IN aM COMING AND I GUARANTEE I WILL STILL DOUBLE MY PRODUCTIVITY COMPARED TO THE PRIOR YEAR. ENGINEERS. Dilber.com [email protected] sez O2NS Soon AAT, IneHA HA! NOT REALLY. WHEN HUMOR? IT WON'T HAVE THAT DID YOU TWAS. CAPABILITY FOR TWO LEARN, GOING FOR OR THREE YEARS. HUMOR? CRUELTY. HEY, MEAT—BAGS! IM HERE TO TAKE YOUR JOBS! Dilber.com [email protected] jYOUR CHAIR MOSTLY IS OILED. ae ) CUSHION. MY CHAIR IS SQUEAKY. HOW DO I FIX THAT? SQUEAK 30-219 ©2018 Soon Adams, INE/H Ura UK Dilbericom [email protected]FUTURISTS SAY THAT SOMEDAY HUMANS WILL HAVE THE KNOLJ—HOW TO CREATE AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE. WE SHOULD DO THESE BROWN BAG LUNCHES LESS OFTEN. WHERE WOULD THEY PUT IT? "[email protected] 10-25-12 ©2018 Soon Adams, tnc/On Ura Ua Dilbert.com DilDILBERT TD LIKE TO RECOGNIZE TED FOR WRITING HIS PART. OF THE CODE IN JUST ‘TWO DAYS, HOW MANY DAYS AT LEAST. WAS IT SUPPOSED A WEEK, TO TAKE? TUWOULd THINK, pe BY SCOTT ADAMS BECAUSE IT WAS SO HARD TO DO. ‘ALL HE DID WAS, DELETE SOME LINES FROM EXISTING CODE AND RECOMPILE IT. Do You HAVE ANY MORE CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORIES?SHELL HELP YOU STOP EATING YOUR BUSINESS LUNCHES LIKE KIDNAP VICTIMS. T HIRED A DESICCATED CRONE TO TEACH AN ETIQUETTE CLASS TO ‘YOU ENGINEERING HEATHENS. Dilbert.com [email protected] 10-59-15 ©2013 Soon Adams, Ing/0s oy uma uscETIQUETTE TRAINING [5 THE NAPKIN GOES IN YOURI SUGGEST WE IGNORE ALL OF THE STUDIES THAT SAY BRAIN— STORMING DOESN'T WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST WITH THE BRAINSTORMING? Dilbert.com [email protected]WHAT THATS BASICALLY PART OF JUST A a IDEAS” IS HUMAN. CONFUSING You? TINA, I ASKED YOU TO WRITE UP THE BEST IDEAS FROM OUR BRAINSTORMING SESSION. Dilbericom [email protected] iDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS fone, J] and Stome ||| efOuREnttene Il "ACs ous ancs 7 ii Fetes) ormeconoins |f|| Yen woeness MEETING! THESE ARE SETTLE DOWN, MY REGULAR . FOUR-EYES THIS: GLASSES, ISNT OVER, IGOT YOUR FINAL CHECK RIGHT HERE! |DO YOU | Een ricoao KEEPS ‘CABLES ae TREE ING THEM WITH DEFECTIVE ONES? CERTAINLY NOT ME. T™ NOT. BUT I DID SEE AN GOOD AT ELBONIAN WEARING A READING SKI MASK NEAR YOUR PEOPLE. BENCH. ms zg : & Dilbercom [email protected]OKAY, SKYPE. LET'S: ‘SEE IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO SHUT YOU DOWN. CLOSE! QUIT! SIGN OUT! MINIMIZE! QUIT! YES! CLOSE! QUIT! Ore OIE! DIE! DID ALMOST. YOU IM HEADING CLOSE TO THE OCEAN i TO DROWN IT. cLtck cLtck CLICK CLICK ( Se Dilbericom [email protected]DO YOU KNOW WHY T.NEED TO CARRY A COMPANY —ISSUED PHONE PLUS MY OWN PHONE? I THINK IT’S BECAUSE OUR COMPANY POLICY WAS WRITTEN BY CHIMPS WHO TIME— TRAVELED FROM OR DO YOU HAVE Y BETTER DONT. EXPLAN= Dilber.com [email protected] T_O2018 Seow Adams, Ine sy UmarSOME OF YOU DID USEFUL THINGS TOO, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I THREATENED TO FIRE YOU IF YOU DIDN'T. SO DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR HEADS. ID LIKE TO THANK MYSELF FOR MY GREAT LEADERSHIP ON THE PROJECT. [email protected] 8 z 5 q Dilbertcom DilI DON’T LIKE THE COMMUTE... AND IM PAID LESS THAN IM WORTH... AND I™ NOT MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. ILIKE MY JOB. BUT I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THE TASKS: - +. OR ANY OF THE PEOPLE. ARE YOU SURE YOU poNou LIKE YOUR ask? ( JOB? Dilbert.com [email protected] Tov ©2015 Seom Adams, 19 os: byunms ekDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS TLL NEED TO KNOW TF IT 15 100%, ‘DIDN'T EVEN TELL YOUR DEVICE IS Com— COMPATIBLE YOU WHAT SYSTEM THAT DOESN'T We HAVE. MATTE! PATIBLE WITH OUR WITH YOUR EXTSTING SysTEM. IE SYSTEM. Hl IGNORANCE | IS NOT AN OPINION!!!T ADDED A BIOMETRIC SENSOR TO OUR SMART— PHONE PROTOTYPE. ‘com [email protected] ol MAYBE YOU. DOT SHOULD HAVE LOOK TESTED IT LIKE AN ON ANIMALS ANIMAL FIRST. HATER?ANYONE WHOSE PHONE RINGS DURING THIS MEETING WILL BE FIRED ON THE SPOT. STOP YOUR EYES. THAT KEEPS THEM OPEN. RRRRING! i ! i f 2 5 g Dilbert.com [email protected]STUDIES SHOW THAT MULTITASKING WITH INTERRUPTIONS CAN LOWER 1.0, BY TEN POINTS. YOU DON'T HAVE THAT = KEEP TALKING. I | CAN MULTITASK. "[email protected] MUCH TO SPARE. \_ T2019 Scott Adams ne by unmre Dilbert.comIT MADE SENSE AT THE WAS EXECUTIVE ai CoHOL RETREAT. INVOLVED? SO OUR STRATEGY IS TO START A PRICE WAR AND DRIVE OUR PROFIT MARGIN TO ZERO? OUR NEW STRATEGY IS TO LOWER OUR PRICES TO INCREASE 162013 Scom Adams, Ic iby inert 5 8 4 s 6 iI SEE MYSELF AS A. LEADER IN THE MOLD OF STEVE JOBS. TRY RINSING YOUR. ENTIRE BODY WITH VINEGAR. THAT MIGHT REMOVE HIS MOLD. ARE WE. PLEASE TALKING DON'T ABOUT TOUCH THE SAME ANYTHING THING? TOWN. ibercom [email protected] T7013 ScOm Adams Ine [bmw cckOUR COMPETITORS HAVE A TECHNOLOGY FOR READING BRAIN WAVES AT A DISTANCE. "[email protected] Dilbert.com _Dil THIS SHIELDED HELMET WILL PREVENT THEM FROM READING THE COMPANY SECRETS. IN YOUR MIND. ‘ints B2018 Seow Adams, In fo by Umar Udex YOU THE BET WAS OWE THAT HE HAS ME TO WEAR THE 0, TRASH CAN $2 ag FOR A -—DILBERT TVE GOT ABAD CASE OF SOMETHING THE EXPERTS CALL “SITTING DISEASE.” ‘STUDIES SHOW THAT PEOPLE WHO SIT ALL DAY FOR THETR JOBS HAVE 40% GREATER CHANCE OF DYING IN THE NEXT THREE YEARS. COMPANY POLICY SAYS SAFETY 15 MORE IMPORTANT THAN PRODUCTIVITY. RIGHT? BY SCOTT ADAMS ‘80 INSTEAD OF SITTING AT MY DESK WORKING, T PLAN TO WALK AROUND AND DRINK COFFEE. FOR SAFETY REASONS. GO SIT AT YOUR. DESK OR YOURE FIRED. THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THIS PROBLEM WILL SOLVE ITSELF WITHIN THREE YEARS.AND BY AND BY GOOD SPORT, 00D LOSER, I MEAN GOOD LOSER. THANKS FOR BEING FLEXIBLE IN THESE NEGOTIATIONS. YOURE A GOOD SPORT. G PEOPLE P= ERcAR rT) ) GENEROUS. Dilber.com [email protected]THAT MEANS I HAVE HOW EXCELLENT EMPLOYMENT POTENTIAL AND T CAN FIX THINGS AROUND Se Dilber.com [email protected]NONE OF MY PROJECTS. TURNED OUT WELL, WHICH MEANS YOU DID A TERRIBLE JOB. IM NOT ASKING FOR AN APOLOGY. JUST FOLLOW YOUR CONSCIENCE. AS I UNDERSTAND IT, YOUR JOB IS TO MATCH EMPLOYEES WITH THE RIGHT ASSIGNMENTS. : Dilberticom [email protected] T2018 Seam Adams, neYOUR MANAGEMENT YOUR, STYLE MAKES ME FOCUS INSUBOR— ALL OF MY ENERGY ON DINATION STAYING OUT OF Is UNAC— TROUBLE. CEPTABLE! HOW'S YOUR CREATIVITY ‘ING ALONG? = “yiawee g gE g é 5 Dilber.com [email protected]JUST, DOESN'T. i % ze & =zA GREAT LEADER HIRES GOOD PEOPLE AND GIVES THEM THE FREEDOM TO DO THEIR. JOBS. Dilber.com [email protected] BUT I DONT HAVE THE BUDGET TO HIRE GOOD. PEOPLE. SO I SETTLE FOR MICROMANAGING THE HALF—WITS I CAN AFFORD. YOUR BOSS: WAS JUST IN HERE SAYING THE SAME THING.DILBERT LET'S DRINK COFFEE TOGETHER, WHILE, T SAY WISE THINGS ABOUT BUSINESS, TKNOW. IM KIND OF PROUD, OF THAT ONE. NOTHING WOULD, MAKE US, HAPPIER, ‘80 WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET IN A MEETING AND REALIZE, ‘YOU DONT HAVE ALL YOU NEED TO MAKE A, DECISION? THE ONLY REASON TO HAVE MEETINGS 1S TO MAKE DECISIONS. q I H | i BY SCOTT ADAMS THIS WORKS BETTER IF You Two DONT TALK.i IT’S NOT IT SOUNDS AS IFIM T00 GOOD GIVING IT TOBE TRUE. AWAY FOR FREE. TLL SELL YOU THE RIGHTS TO USE LINUX FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS. AFTER THE FIRST MONTH, YOU ONLY NEED TO PAY FOR EVERY UPGRADE. Dilbert.com [email protected] izes 02019 Seon Adams, netEXPERTS SAY LAZY EMPLOYEES ARE THE BEST BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO FIND. SHORTCUTS. $0 YOU 2 F un * ME? NO. Lo SHORT LAY Sm CUTS? USELESS. THEN, WHY WHY DID yousrine “OULDNT TTUPP NOT LAZY. Dilber.com [email protected] Tez0% Scow Adams, Ine ety ne rkIM SURE THE ALMIGHTY CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE DOESN’T MIND THAT WE DO THINGS ON YOUR SCHEDULE, NOT HIS. OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY WILL BE IN JANUARY BECAUSE DECEMBER WILL BE TOO BUSY. Dilber.com [email protected] ‘o2018 Seow Adame, Ineo by Umar UaenT MAKE SOUR BROWSER TENE BLIND AND RADY. HISTORY AS A FIRE— T KNOW BECAUSE IT WALL AGAINST WORKED ON ME. ELBONTAN HACKERS.REALLY? THAT'S A DUMB THING. ALL ‘YOU END UP WITH IS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T AGREE. IM LOOKING FOR THOUGHT DIVERSITY IN MY HIRING. THAT'S A THING NOW. HOW DO YOU LIKE ne THOUGHT DIDNT DIVERSITY NOW? LAST Dilbericom [email protected] ‘4-30-12 02018 Scot Adame, Ines Ooty Urns VaRDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS WALLY’S IDEA FOR BRINGING FRESH WATER TO ELBONTA IM PROUD TO TWO WEEKS AGO, sconce TAM conan BE sear WINNER IN THE CEO'S TECHNOLOGY INNOVATIVE IDEAS NAMED WALLY. CHALLENGE. FOR GETTING FRESH = | WATER TO ELBONTA | D 7 1s. TF YOU NEED ME, TLL BE IN MY CUBICLE THINKING UP AWARD WINNING IDEAS.BUT THEY DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING I SAY, SO T HAVE TO ASSUME THEY'RE ALL IDIOTS. € H fe 3 : q 2 € 4 2 ‘sdoai2 waO18 Seat Adams, neve by aw bkPLEASE STOP TALKING! i i 2 g zg a 5 Dilber.com [email protected]T WRAPPED MYSELF IN A BLANKET AND STAYED ON THE COUCH WATCH— ING BAD TV SHOWS UNTIL T SMELLED LIKE A GYM SOCK WITH HOU WAS YOUR WEEKEND? HALITOSIS. Dilber.com [email protected] "22073 Scom Adams, na i hymn ekI™ CALLING N. T2013 ScoTt Adams, ne. byw sek Dilbericom [email protected]WE CAN'T TELL IF YOURE TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR OR YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY BAD AT TALKING DIRTY TO. YOUR WIFE. ‘YOU KEEP PRESSING THE PUBLIC ADDRESS BUTTON ON YOUR PHONE WHEN YOU MAKE CALLS. T USE ONE TO PRACTICE THE OTHER. Dilber.com [email protected] 7-15 ©2018 SOT Adams, he. OnLey Ursa UaeDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS T HAVE STUDIED THE FIRST, WORK AND IN YOUR SPARE PRACTICES OF FAMOUS | JE})] SIXTEEN HOURS TIME, YOU SHOULD BE LEADERS SO YOU CAN. EVERY DAY. READING ABOUT YOUR COPY THEM. INDUSTRY TO STAY CURRENT, OOOKAY. THIS ISNT WORKING, SUPPOSE TOLD YOU THAT FAMOUS LEADERS EAT A LOT OF CAKE? THAT TOOK A, CREEPY TURN,TO SAVE TIME, TAM WILLING TO STIPULATE THAT YOU HATE ALL. IDEAS THAT ARE NOT YOUR OWN. IVE BEEN ASKED TO VET MY IDEA WITH MY PEERS. ALL IN FAVOR? Dilber.com _ [email protected] Toz019 Soom Adams, Ine eoTHEY ALSO SAY YOU'RE INCOMPETENT AND ANNOYING, SO HOU MUCH CAN WE REALLY TRUST THEIR: OPINIONS? IT DOES SOUND AS IF THEYRE WRONG A LOT. EXACTLY. DID You VET THIS THEY IDEA WITH HATED YOUR PEERS? i. Dilberticom [email protected] ‘e018 Seow Adams, In sa by mare Uden5S. 4 Bs Be Oh ot wa 2 aARE YOU SAYING MY FUTURE DEPENDS ON YOUR EFFECTIVE— NESS AND NOT MINE? WHEN THE MANAGERS MEET TO TALK ABOUT PROMOTIONS, I'LL FIGHT FOR YOU. Dilber.com [email protected] aes e208 Scott Adams NeDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS THE PEPPER. TTS HALF TT HAS PEPPER SPRAY AND. ADUAL SPRAY TS SO T HALF GYM SOCK. PURPOSE, CAN BUILD UF AN (IMMUNITY To TT. THATLL THE SECOND PURPOSE I MIGHT PROBABLY TS TO CREATE AN NEED TO COME IN: | 7 ODIFEROUS MOAT TWEAK THE AROUND ME TO | | FORMULA DISCOURAGE THE > WEAKER ROMANTIC APPLICANTS.AND IF WE RAISE. NO MONEY AT ALL, TWILL SHAVE MY IF WE RAISE $40,000 FOR CHARITY, T WILL SHAVE MY HEAD! ‘©2013 Soom Adams, ING Hcy mera ck Dilber.com [email protected]WHAT , MAKES MAYBE YOU THIS MY DNA IS WAY? FLERMMED. ___IGOT THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE NOTE YOU LEFT ON MY DESK. TI WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT T“FLERMMED THE PLOOTASH” JUST AS. YOU ASKED. ; : a 8 ‘| 5 a 5 Dilber.com [email protected]ITS MORE OF A GRAY AREA THAN YOUD THINK. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. MY KIDS ARE ONLY IN IT FOR THE MONEY. IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR KIDS? NO PERSONAL ITEMS ARE ALLOWED IN CUBICLES! Dilber.com [email protected] {2-48-19 2018 Soom AUaMS, ING oH Gy Umer ekHEY, LOOK! THERE'S A STORY ON THE INTERNET ABOUT YOUR FABULOUS CEO LIFESTYLE. Dilbert.com [email protected] SAID THE MAN WITH THE MILLION— DOLLARTHE NONCOMMITTAL COMMITTEt 5 5 i 8 : ie a . 5 2‘IF YOU KEEP BEING PRODUCTIVE, WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN. ABOUT THE PEER REVIELJ CONCEPT ... I DON’T THINK YOU THOUGHT IT THROUGH. MAKING US LOOK BAD. iGartoonist@gmail;com : 2 i g 5 3 : Dilbericom DilDILBERT T FOUND A WAY TO AUTOMATE THE HARDEST PART OF My JOB, LUSED TO D0 ALOT OF "MANAGEMENT BY WALKING AROUND.” 1T WAS EXHAUSTING, Now 1 JUST ‘SEND MY DRONE, | BY SCOTT ADAMS T DESIGNED IT MYSELF AND HAD IT BUILT IN ELBONIA, THE HYDROGEN MAKES TT LIGHTER, THAN AIR. (LETS SEE WHAT) TED 15 UP TO. HE'S WEARING A, WOOL SWEATER, TODAY.5 5 q EXPERTS SAY IT SHOULD SURROUND MYSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE POSITIVE INFLUENCES. I THINK T een Gyisneie “es ) YOU BUM. TM ON A CALL! ea § a 5 8 i é ME OUT, otis 67013 Soon Adams, IYOU SHOULD BE IM SENDING YOU A CREATING IDEAS THAT LINK THAT DESCRIBES: CHANGE THE COURSE OF FUN WAYS TO CHOKE CIVILIZATION, BUT YOURSELF. INSTEAD, YOU SIT THERE LIKE A LUMP. I TRACED ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS BACK TO YOUR LACK OF CREATIVITY. Dilber.com [email protected] f z 5 z . é qMERRY CHRISTMAS! THIS GIFT IS BASED ON THE COPENHAGEN INTERPRETATION OF QUANTUM MECHANICS. THERE'S A CAT IN WHERE HERE THAT IS NEITHER ARE THE DEAD NOR ALIVE. T HAVE AIRHOLES? CONTROL | ISSUES. } Dilber.com [email protected]YOU MAKE A GOOD THE KEY TO SUCCESS You IT POINT. T QUIT. PROMISED CAUGHT IS HAVING PASSION FOR WHAT YOU DO! ME THEY Y a} WOULDN'T nour | GEERT SURPRISE OF HERE. if Dilbert.com [email protected]IT HIRED AN ENGINEER FROM GOOGLE. HE’S SO SMART THAT HE EVOLVED INTO A LIFE— FORM THAT EXISTS AS PURE ENERGY. BOW BEFORE MY | 7] Sometimes oNcE GREATNESS, YOU 2] Ataocanr ADDED A PITIFUL HUMANS! a Dilber.com [email protected]BEHOLD MY GREAT— NESS! T WAS AN ENGINEER AT GOOGLE BEFORE I EVOLVED TO PURE BEHOLD MY APATHY THAT WILL SUCK THE |: ENERGY OUT OF YOU GOOD BOY. LIKE A MONKEY ON 5 RIGHT IN AN ORANGE. ENERGY! lee Dilber.com [email protected] zl 5 & gDILBERT WHATS, THAT. ‘SUPPOSED TO MEAN? FOR EXAMPLE. ‘SUPPOSE I SAY YOURE PHOTOGENIC, ‘ARE YOU SAYING. TDONT LOOK GOOD WHEN YOU SEE ME IN PERSON? BY SCOTT ADAMS IT'S THE THING YOU D0 TO TURN, EVERYTHING INTO ‘A NEGATIVE. OH, $0 NOW I'™ A MONSTER. 15 THAT WHAT YOURE, SAYING? 7?! THAT'S THE VIBE IM. GOING FOR. TM JUST ‘SAYING YOURE TOTALLY NAILING TT. THIS! GRRAR!THATS ALL THE LEADERSHIP T HAVE FOR YOU TODAY. THATLL T_CAN DO THAT. I'VE BEEN KILLING OUR BEST BUSINESSES FOR YEARS. EXPERTS SAY WE NEED TO BE WILLING TO KILL OR CANNIBALIZE OUR BEST BUSINESSES. i z 4 & 2 5 g & Dilber.com [email protected]THOSE PRACTICES WILL FIT YOUR COMPANY LIKE A. FOOT IN A GLOVE. TLL TEACH YOU THE BEST PRACTICES OF COMPANIES THAT HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH Dilber.com [email protected]