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Friction Between A Woman And Her Mother-In-Law
Seventh Letter to Tahira
Yes my daughter, your friend Rasheeda passed away at long last. You wonder as to how she could go
away at such a young age and I marvel at the fact, that she survived that long? She was hardly twenty-
one or twenty-two years old. Five or six years earlier, she got married. I could sense right from the
beginning that there was something that was corroding her inner self. I tried to probe many times but she
had locked her heart so completely that nobody could get a clue to it. Three years passed like that. But
after this, her absolute quiet, her sad face, her forlorn eyes, her pale complexion and her lost looks, all
combined could not hide her predicament. All this was happening inside her but she was absolutely
quiet. Then she started running a temperature, which told us that this quiet (volcano or) fire had burned
even her bone marrow, which led her to her death.
Rasheeda was such an understanding girl, cognizant and well-versed in domestic affairs. More serious
than girls of her age and very sensitive. She was about thirteen or fourteen when her father heard a cleric
say that when a girl is physically mature she should not be kept in the house. Until she gets married,
associating with her would be illegitimate. So now the problem with her father was not of looking for a
good proposal but how to show her out of the house so that he could avoid the great sin of associating
with her. To fulfil this religious Sharia need for sending his daughter out of his house, became his top
priority.
You know it very well that in our homes every matter can be talked about, except a marriage proposal,
which is kept a top secret. Special care is taken that the concerned girl does not get an inkling of it.
Secrecy
Rasheeda's parents, too, used to discuss about her proposal secretly. People living around might get to
know about it somehow, but everything was to be kept a secret from Rasheeda. Even if she could get to
know about it from her mother, it certainly would make no difference, it would have been impossible for
Rasheeda to disclose her likeness. In our society if a girl utters a single disapproving word about her
prospective proposal, her father feels robbed of his "honour" and he would strangle the "immodest" girl.
So it was meaningless whether Rasheeda was kept informed or not. Anyhow, wherever her proposal was
being fixed, she abhorred it.
Destiny
But this did not have any impact. Our girls are taught right from the beginning that souls are linked in
heaven and therefore, the linked ones are destined to come together on Earth. You get whatever is
written in your fate. You cannot obliterate your destiny. Their nuptial knots are tied in heaven and the
angels have already performed the (Nikah) marriage contract; on Earth, we just follow a formality. We
are told that all these details are "Islamic Law", so there is no question of a girl choosing a proposal.
Rasheeda was a girl with depth of vision and she used to feel that all these things were wrong. Many
times she tried and wanted to talk to her mother about it, but every time it happened as if something had
got stuck in her throat and she would be forced to remain quiet.
The Conscience
Do you know Tahira what it was that used to prick her and get stuck in her throat? This was that demon
which we call "the conscience", and we hold it so sacred that its decisions are considered godly and its
command is regarded as coming directly from heaven. It has become the criterion of everything right or
wrong. In reality, however, this "sacred voice" is nothing more than the sum total of our upbringing,
environment and beliefs, all having their effect when taken together. This seeps in our hearts since
childhood and gradually matures into a certain shape of lasting and deep impression. Do you remember
the Jains (a Hindu sect) who used to be your neighbours in Amritsar? The very mention of meat used to
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make them vomit, whereas your own son Javed, of the same age, used to suck at a bone the whole day.
The conscience of a Jain's child would tell him that meat is a bad thing and unholy. But our Javed's
conscience never pricked him for eating meat. This was that "voice of conscience" which used to scare
Rasheeda like a demon: "You are a girl and a Muslim girl, how could you comment on your proposal?"
If only she would have Quranic education before her, she would have shunned the wrong training, the
wrong education, the wrong environment and the wrong belief (which she used to think as the voice of
her conscience). And she would have proclaimed that according to the law of God, the contract of
marriage could be executed only between a consenting boy and girl. Anybody defying it would be
rebelling against the law of God, whether it comes from within or without. There is just one infallible
voice in the world that cannot go astray, and that is the voice of God as it comes to us through the Quran.
All this was happening at the girl's side while, on the other side, Hameed's marriage was being talked
about. Not that he was in a position to be consulted, but the plans at least were not as secret as was done
with the girl. Hameed, too, was a discerning boy, so he told his mother that their circumstances did not
allow him to get married. (Father has been sick for quite sometime and cannot earn). "The whole family
depends on my meager salary. Firstly, if we borrow money for marriage expenses, there will be no way
to pay-back. Secondly, some expenses would be incurred due to a new member of the family. How
would I cope with all the expenses in the same salary? In these days of inflation, expenses keep on rising,
so let the question of marriage be shelved".
On hearing this the mother sighed and said, "Some people were correct when they used to tell me not to
send the boy to college because its education leads the good Muslim children astray. I never used to
agree with it, but I admit now that they were right".
God is the Sustainer
"Hameed, you do not seem to believe in God at all. You have started calculating like that. Don't you
think that He is the sustainer? You ask, where would this come from, where would that come from? The
God who brought us into being, does He not care for our daily bread? The God who looks after life
inside stones, would He not look after us? Son, retrace your steps and ask His forgiveness. What kind of
thoughts have started coming to your mind? She, who would join our family, will bring her sustenance
along. We are nobody to be providing for anybody. The same God is the provider of all. Whatever you
are destined to get, you will definitely get it. Nobody can snatch away our destiny from us. If we are
destined to be poor, then nobody can change it to riches. If we are destined to starve, then nobody can
save us from starvation. God's good people are those who are content with their destiny. This develops
contentment in a person. Contentment is so valuable that only special Godly people get it. If you study
the lives of God's messengers, leading lights, saints and Godly people, you would see what adversities
they had to face and bear".
Trust in God
"They had no food to eat, no clothes to wear, no house to live in and no bedding either, but they trusted
God and remained content in their destiny. God raised their status. Ayub (Job) was very dear to God. His
whole body was infected. If ever a germ used to fall off his body, he used to pick it up and put it back in
his wounds and used to say 'If you were left on the ground, where would you eat from?' God rewarded
his patience and made him His messenger. This is, Son, true belief in God. Satan has put doubts in your
mind and you have started thinking about how, if you got married, you would manage with the same
salary? Non-salaried people get their sustenance, too. Was our Nabi (PBUH) getting a salary?"
Hameed's mother said so much in one breath that he could not decide which question to answer, and to
end the argument he simply said, "Dear mother, I say just this much. Do not arrange the marriage just
now. Wait some time more, till either my salary increases or at least Majeed is through with his college
and becomes capable of earning something. Then you can get me married. I am not refusing to marry."
His mother cutting him short said, "Son, good proposals do not come by everyday. It is just by the grace
of God that sister Sabira's heart is set upon it otherwise we do not deserve a girl like Rasheeda. A beauty
with brains, educated, intelligent and discreet. Ever since she has started managing the house, it has
turned into a nice abode. Women come to see her from far off places. Could you get such a girl from
anywhere? And Pir (Saint) Abdu-Samad was saying that this girl belongs to a lucky star. So whichever
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house she enters, she will turn it into a heaven. I thank God a million times that my sister conceded to my
request, and you are asking me to wait and not arrange the marriage. Just think, would her father like to
wait for your promotion and then marry his daughter when silver starts shining on his daughter's head?"
Hameed was about to say something when his father entered the room panting, and asked his wife as to
what the quarrel was about? When he was told, he said "Dear Hameed, I only want to say one thing and
that is that my sickness has become so advanced that I do not know how long I have to live. My only and
last wish is to see you married before I die. After this I shall be able to die in peace. Won't you fulfil this
last wish of your old and ailing father?"
Hameed wanted to say something but his father roared in anger and said, "I want to say it for the last
time and this is my order. I do not want to say anything more."
Obedience to Parents
Meanwhile the call to prayers was heard and Hameed went to say his prayers. It was a strange
coincidence that, that day, the priest before delivering the sermon touched upon the problem of
obedience to parents. He advised that according to Islamic law Sharia "It is your duty to obey your
parents. Parents' status is equal to God's status. God never forgives a person who disobeys his parents.
He goes straight to hell". Then he related how modern education had made today's youth rebellious and
how they did not obey their parents or respect the elders.
Hameed was listening to all this and was perplexed. He realized that circumstances demanded that he
should not marry. His situation, knowledge, discretion and experience all favoured this decision. He
could see all the disadvantages of this untimely marriage. One by one, which tallied like two and two
making four. But on the other hand he was being told that obedience to parents was a divine duty. You
should never raise your voice against their decision. Just accept it without reservations. If you do not do
it then you would be committing a crime against God. Since childhood he had a strong religious hold on
him, and "Gods' will" superseded the demand of the time. After saying his prayers he repented and asked
for God's forgiveness for his mistake. He went straight home from the mosque and respectfully asked for
his father's forgiveness. "I was causing you depression. I would not mind obeying you in the least. Do
whatever you want to do. I shall remain your obedient son".
Mother's eyes gleamed with happiness. She got up and hugged her son, blessed him and showered all the
endearments on him. This is how this problem was decided.
The Quranic Injunction About Parents
Just think Tahira! Could God order that you not use your mind or not utilize your faculties? Close your
eyes to any profit or loss, and whatever your old parents ask you to do, you just obey them blindly?
You would say that whatever I am saying sounds good, but what should I say about this obedience to
parents being a divine injunction?
But you would be surprised when I shall let you know that obedience to parents is not a divine
injunction. The only Quranic injunction for parents is to look after them well since they have become old
and deserve your care and love. You would say that it is an established fact that obedience to parents is
our religious duty, and no one differs on this.
I would say there are so many wrong notions which have become established with the passage of time. If
I prepare a list of all those beliefs which are considered as obligations by our traditional religion, and
which in fact are not, and put them in front of you, you would feel dizzy. Just ponder how a notion
becomes an established fact. Any notion which is handed down for two or three generations becomes an
established fact. The criterion for right or wrong is the Quran. If the Quran says that something is right,
then it is right even if nobody agrees to it. Whatever the Quran considers wrong is wrong, no matter if
the whole world thinks contrary to it. You will also say that the duty to obey your parents is not only
considered obligatory by Muslims, but every religion and every ethical code in the world considers it as
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an established obligation.
And I will say that one reason of the Quran being revealed by God, is that the Quran does not care what
the world believes in. It calls right only that which in actual fact is right. If the Quran had been authored
by a human being, then it would have included all the notions, which the world considers obligatory. But
it did not come to follow the world; it came to make the world follow it. So it does not care whether it
abrogates the set beliefs and ideas which have gained the status of set obligations by the religions of the
world, because their own divine laws have not been preserved in their original shape. It is the aim of the
Quran to present the facts and it has done so. Take this question of obedience to your parents. It is
admitted by all the religions of the world as a set obligation. But the Quran says, if We grant long life to
any person, We cause him to be reversed in nature (36:68), and that in old age one does tend to become
senile. This is a useless part of one's age. The Quran says, some are sent back to the feeblest old age, so
that they know nothing after having known (22:5).
The Quran and Other Religions
These are those realities which can neither be denied by any religion of the world nor by any code of
ethics. In spite of this they all say that a young man whom God has bestowed with knowledge and
discretion; with the will to decide; has been endowed with strong nerves and faculties; and who has a
sound and fresh head and heart, he should be bound by the decisions of those who have become
superannuated with rusty knowledge. Their nerves and faculties have been frayed; their heads and hearts
have become subservient to their emotions; they cannot comprehend the demands of the present times
which are raising this young man in the race of this world; and they are lagging fifty years behind. These
types of orders can only come from those codes of ethics which have been made by the old generation
who want their younger folk to obey them. But Quran's code of life has been sent by God, it can never
issue such commandments. Maharaja Ram Chander (a Hindu Ruler) could be considered the initiator of
such a code of conduct (or man-made religion). He considered it his duty to obey even that order of his
father, which even the father thought to be wrong, and Maharaja was forced to promulgate it. But
Quran's hero is Abraham who openly denounced his father's beliefs and practices and refused to follow
them. Quran says, There is for you an excellent example in Abraham (to follow) (60:4). But do not think
the Quran is teaching you to rebel. It teaches you to obey. But obey whom? God's laws only!
Nature of Obedience
For this reason alone, where on one hand Abraham is declared a hero of Islam, on the other hand Ismail
his son, too, is being considered the same kind of hero for surrendering his neck to his father's knife.
Why did he do so? Not because he obeyed his father but because he thought that it was God's command!
That was why he said, O my father, do as thou art commanded (37:102).
The fact of the matter is that it was not a command from God, as it was misunderstood! Therefore
according to the Quran, total obedience is for God's laws alone and not of parents or anybody else. The
Quran teaches that until a child reaches adulthood, the decision making on his behalf and looking after
him is the responsibility of his parents or guardians. Therefore, he should not decide things for himself.
He should follow his elders' decisions. But when he comes of age and becomes knowledgeable, then he
should take decisions in the light of Divine laws himself. Therefore, for a knowledgeable young person,
total obedience to his parents is out of the question. It is a blessing that mankind on the whole has not
adhered to this code of ethics i.e. obedience to parents (and was not feasible either). Otherwise, if whole
of mankind had followed it, then the world would have been stuck at the same place where it was at the
beginning. There would have been no progress in any sphere of life, because if the present had been
bound by the previous generation's decisions, how would it have advanced? The old generation considers
its past as the best period of mankind, and grinds its teeth if ever anybody digresses an inch this way or
that way. This is the reason why every aged person's nostalgia makes him cry. He belittles the modern
time. His times look so rosy to him that he curses the present. The universe is rising upwards and not
downwards; it is taking its strides forwards and not backwards.
Anyway my dear, this is the decision of the Quran about a concept that you had been thinking as an
accepted reality. Now, I hope you understood how Hameed had been put upon a wrong track by the
ignorance of that priest addressing the gathering in the mosque.
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Anyhow this was how Hameed got married to Rasheeda. The first one or two months were glossy, but
after this the bitterness of having taken a wrong step started surfacing its ugly head.
Mother-in-law Problem
In human society the mother-in-law problem is so deep rooted and complicated, that the human mind has
yet to solve it. Whether in the East or West, the mother-in-law problem is present everywhere. In the
East, since a wife is the weaker vessel, it is always the mother-in-law pestering the daughter-in-law. But
in the West, where women are dominant, the poor son-in-law considers his mother-in-law a demon.
Sometimes it happens, without doubt, that you get a mother-in-law even more loving than your own
mother, but this is one of those exceptions that do not prove the rule. Generally it happens as I have
mentioned above. As far as I have pondered the mother-in-law problem is more psychological than
social or economic. The way a mother has brought up her son, she considers him her sole 'property'; and
she considers all rights reserved in her favour. She just does not want to share his love and attention. A
mother nurtures all these sentiments unconsciously until her son comes of age and she starts thinking of
marrying him. At that time, it does not occur to her that she herself is bringing home somebody who
would become more absorbing for her son than herself (the mother). She thinks that she is getting a wife
for her son and since her son is her sole property, therefore whatever would belong to him, would
automatically belong to her. The only status that she gives to the newcomer is that of a vehicle to provide
her with grandsons and grand-daughters. She is so absorbed in doing all this that she does not realize she
is bringing in a share-holder. But after she brings the daughter-in-law home, it suddenly dawns upon her
that her son is no longer under her thumb. Since the cause of all this is daughter-in-law, the mother takes
her as a person who has robbed her of her dearest possession. And she is then bent upon to take revenge
for her loss. Her son cannot judge this psychological change of his mother and neither can the daughter-
in-law (since it does not occur to them that they, have snatched something from her). So they keep
looking for the reasons for the mother's annoyance elsewhere. And the situation keeps deteriorating for
everybody. Since unlike the mother, a father does not have this kind of notions in his mind, so the
coming of a daughter-in-law does not perplex him. If ever he has complaints, they are of a different sort.
Some people think since every mother-in-law treats her daughter-in-law in a similar manner, then when
after some time, the daughter-in-law becomes a mother-in-law herself, she takes out all the excesses
done to her by her mother-in-law, upon her own daughter-in-law; and this keeps going on and on.
Anyway whatever the reason, the fact is that the hell we witness in ninety-nine percent homes of our
society, its basic reason is that the boy's mother does not prepare herself mentally for this new mode of
life. Consequently she herself is in hell and she makes the newly weds' life a hell, too. And no one knows
why this is happening and what its remedy is. You must have noticed Tahira, when the friction in such
homes is analysed, there is nothing to it. In fact there is no issue at all. The real issue is what I have
mentioned above, but neither the mother nor the son seems to be knowing this consciously, and neither
does the poor newcomer. That is why such friction is considered incurable by us; and we, too, accept it
as inevitable. But dear Tahira, all this is because of our ignorance.
Separate House for the Newly Weds
Tahira there is only one remedy and this is that before the mother proposes, she should understand that
her son is beginning a new life in which his love and attention will be transferred towards his wife. There
is only goodwill left for the mother. If she understands this, then it is practical that the boy should be
separated to lead his own life. He should be responsible for spending his own life and there should be no
interference. You will see that in this way the son will look after his mother and the daughter-in-law will
respect her, too. If their financial condition does not admit the burden of two separate households, then
the boy should not be married off till he is capable of shouldering the responsibility of a separate
household. Otherwise there is no way to save our homes from the fire of this hell.
In Hameed's case, his mother had financial difficulties besides psychological problems which were
apprehending him at the very start. The collective effect of marriage loans, increasing expenses at home,
and the father's chronic illness took their toll, and the mother-in-law started taking it out on poor
Rasheeda. The same Rasheeda who before marriage used to be praised so much as understanding,
discreet, quiet, virtuous and obedient, was now somebody in whom the mother-in-law was picking holes
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all the time. She became an ill-omen, and somebody who could not do any thing good. "Her stepping
into this house has robbed our house of prosperity. With the same income, the house used to be
flourishing, but now it looks God forsaken. She has no manners, she cannot cook and she cannot look
after the house. Did her mother think that her daughter would never have to go to her in-laws' house, that
she did not train her for it. The spoilt brat!
The Tussle
The minute Hameed used to go out of the house in the morning, the mother-in-law would start hurling
such brick-bats of sarcasm till the evening. Rasheeda tried her utmost to please her mother-in-law, but all
in vain. Her mother-in-law was hell-bent on pulling her down. Rasheeda used to bear all this stoically.
She did not even mention it to Hameed. When the mother-in-law noticed that Hameed was not checking
his wife, she started complaining about Rasheeda to Hameed. This way the hell that Rasheeda was going
through engulfed Hameed, too. As if financial constraints were not enough for him, he was plunged into
a new predicament. This entanglement was quite queer. He was a discreet boy who could judge a
situation and reach a conclusion. He could see that Rasheeda was absolutely innocent and that his mother
was entirely to be blamed. But because of deep rooted concept of respect and grandeur of his parents and
the sermons he had heard about obeying them, he could not dare to accuse his mother, and take sides
with his wife. All this was causing a tremendous psychological turmoil for him, but he could not avoid it.
His wife's exploitation, parents' obedience and his own helplessness were feelings which were gnawing
at his heart. He knew the only solution to this predicament was to separate from his parents, but his
financial helplessness was making it impossible. When once or twice he expressed such a desire, his
mother beat her own head and threatened him with committing suicide by jumping into a well, if ever he
thought of separating from her. All these problems started telling upon Hameed's health. It was affecting
Rasheeda more than Hameed. She was bearing the yoke herself but when she saw that her husband, too,
was being affected, this was more than she could bear. She was being corroded inwardly and was drying
up. In the same state of health, she gave birth to her first child. It is so obvious that if a child's mother's
health is deteriorating, the child would bring some diseases (or susceptibilities to them) along with him.
Rasheeda was not keeping well and, on top of this, the poverty did not allow her to care for the child. It
was probable that Hameed's mother would have borrowed some money for the caring of her son's first
male child, but woe betide, it was a daughter. The 'bad news' distorted her vision and she called the child
her "ill-omened daughter-in-law's ill-omened daughter". Who would have looked after her? She survived
somehow for three months, and then passed away leaving an indelible mark on her mother to mourn.
Conclusion
After this, Rasheeda's condition deteriorated day by day. She contracted tuberculosis. The division of the
sub-continent had made his parents so poor that they could not afford her treatment and one day, she
finally gave up the struggle.
Tahira, this is the heart-rending story of your childhood friend. It is not just her story, it is the story of
your society. We do not know how many Rasheedas' are scarified everyday. Firstly we do not know the
inner story of a house and secondly if we do get to know, then it is only that so and so's daughter, or so
and so's daughter-in-law died today. Other than that, nobody would know how she died.
The Advice
One never knows Tahira, that when your son Javed grows up and you will be worrying about his
marriage, whether I would be there or not. But you must remember my two or three points. If you act
upon them you will be happy and so would Javed and his wife. Firstly, think of marrying Javed when he
is fully financially capable of shouldering his responsibilities. If ever, God forbid, he has to help his
parents financially, he should be able to do so easily.
Secondly, keep fully in mind that after his marriage he would be attending mostly to his wife and not
you. You should only expect good-will from him.
Right after marriage, arrange for their living separately and you should interfere the least. Whatever
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interference you feel is necessary, should be given as a suggestion. And if they reject that suggestion, do
not mind.
After this you will see how Javed respects you and how you are revered by your daughter-in-law.
I am writing all this and laughing inwardly. I know today you like what I say and adhere to each and
every word of it by saying that, "that is how it should be", because you are the daughter-in-law and
somebody else is your mother-in-law; but you may not remember a thing about what I have said when
you are the mother-in-law and somebody else is your daughter-in-law.
Life is a queer cycle! But we have made it like this! The creator of the world did not make it for us. He
creates all humans the same, we make mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. After this, the mother-in-
law and the daughter-in-law remain and humanity leaves them.
But come what may, God's laws keep humanity intact; they never let it decay. Rather they keep on
raising it higher and higher. Hence whether you are a mother-in-law or a daughter-in-law, do not forget
the humanity in you or the other person. In God's sight all humans are worthy of respect. The Quran
says: Verily, We have honoured the sons of Adam……….. (17:70). A person who keeps this truth
always in mind, is a Muslim.
My blessings for Javed and God be with you!
Parwez
January 8, 1954
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