FAMILY GUY

"Scott Baio is Coming From the Westside"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

ACT ONE
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
BRIAN and STEWIE are watching TV.
(ON TV) INT. TV SET - DAY
ELLEN DEGENERES is sitting alongside 50 CENT and GUCCI MANE.
ELLEN DEGENERES
Alright. Welcome back. I'm here with
rappers 50 Cent and Gucci Mane -- who
have joined us today because they've
decided to end their long standing
feud.
50 CENT
Wait a second. What feud? I don't
remember having no feud with Gucci
Mane.
GUCCI MANE
Yeah. Me neither.
ELLEN DEGENERES
Oh. Well, um. You guys are too high to
remember your feud.
50 CENT
(ANGRY) Yeah! I'll bet I have all
kinds of beef with Gucci Mane that I
don't remember, cuz I'm so high! (TO
GUCCI MANE) I'm gonna beat your ass!
50 Cent attacks Gucci Mane, and they fight.

(CONTINUED)

2.
CONTINUED:

Music starts playing, and Ellen gets up and dances while 50

Cent and Gucci Mane continue to fight.
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
STEWIE
Now I get why people watch this show.
The doorbell rings. Brian opens the door to reveal SCOTT BAIO
(50).
SCOTT BAIO
How you doing? I'm the new boy in the
neighborhood, and I was wondering if
there are any women here you need me
to sleep with, or any sitcoms you need
me to star in. Keep in mind that I'm a
very versatile actor and sex-man.
BRIAN
Aren't you the guy from Happy Days and
Charles in Charge?
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah. I'm Scott Baio. The guy from
Happy Days, and Charles and Charge,
and the new upcoming reality show
titled I'm Scott Baio -- the Guy From
Happy Days and Charles in Charge.
BRIAN
I see. And is there any particular
reason why you're licking our
doorpost?
Scott Baio is licking the doorpost.

(CONTINUED)

3.
CONTINUED:

SCOTT BAIO
What do you mean? Are you inviting me
in for some juice and biscuits?
BRIAN
Not exactly.
SCOTT BAIO
Cranberry juice would be fantastic.
Thanks.
Scott Baio enters.
SCOTT BAIO (CONTD)
(IMITATING MORK FROM MORK & MINDY)
Nanu nanu.
EXT. YACHT - DAY
PETER, QUAGMIRE, JOE, and CLEVELAND are chatting on a crowded
yacht.
CLEVELAND
This is the way to spend a weekend. At
a yacht party.
PETER
Little known fact: yacht is spelled YA-C-H-T.
JOE
We know.
PETER
Little known fact: it's pronounced
"yacht," and not (PRONOUNCES YACHT THE
WAY IT'S SPELLED) yeach-ch-t.

(CONTINUED)

4.
CONTINUED:

QUAGMIRE
Peter. Do you know what the expression
"little known fact" means?
PETER
Little known fact: I don't know what
the expression "little know fact"
means. Little known fact: Does your
cousin own this yacht, or does he rent
it?
QUAGMIRE
He bought it today. He's really rich.
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN (40) walks up to them.
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN
Were you guys talking about how rich I
am?
QUAGMIRE
Yeah.
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN
You should talk about that. I'm very
rich. ... (SCOFFS) And my mother told
me I'd never amount to anything.
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN'S MOTHER (60) is standing by him.
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN'S MOTHER
I didn't say that. I said you'd be
President of the United States.
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN
The point is, you were wrong.

(CONTINUED)

5.
CONTINUED: (2)

PETER
If you're so rich, then how come when
I buy underwear, it comes in a 3 pack?
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN
(HALF HUGS PETER IN A FRIENDLY MANNER,
AND SAYS TO QUAGMIRE) I like this guy.
(TO PETER) Have a drink. (HANDS HIM A
DRINK) We should hang out more often,
Peter. But not really -- because I
usually hang out with rich people.
PETER
You know what? I'm gonna be rich too,
like you. How did you make your money?
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN
By making an app.
PETER
Is that anything like shaking a map?
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN
(STARES AT PETER FOR A FEW SECONDS)
The point is, I'm very rich. ...
(SCOFFS) And my mother told me I'd be
President of the United States. What
an idiot!
QUAGMIRE'S COUSIN'S MOTHER
Idiot?! I'm a quantum physicist.

(CONTINUED)

6.
CONTINUED: (3)

PETER
No, Mrs. Quagmire. It's pronounced
condom. You're a condom physicist. Say
it with me. Condom physicist.
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Scott Baio is blowing bubbles.
SCOTT BAIO
This is pretty fun.
BRIAN
I'm not so sure it is.
SCOTT BAIO
It's plenty fun. But do you know what
would make it funner?
STEWIE
I think I know. Waving our hands in
the air, like we just don't care.
(WAVES HIS HANDS IN THE AIR) Look. I'm
waving my hands in the air. Like I
just don't care.
SCOTT BAIO
I was gonna say that we should do
cocaine. Do you guys have any?
BRIAN
We don't have any cocaine, we're not
shooting a sitcom, we don't have any
women for you to sleep with, and we're
all out of cranberry juice.

(CONTINUED)

7.
CONTINUED:

SCOTT BAIO
... If you do have cocaine, I can
snort if for you. I'm a very versatile
actor. I can snort a variety of
cocaines in a variety of ways. For
instance, if you have some Ecuadorian
cocaine on the floor, I can just suck
it all up my nose, like I'm a vacuum
cleaner.
STEWIE
(ANGRILY) We don't have any cocaine,
Scott Baio!
SCOTT BAIO
... Do you guys have any hookers?
Because if you do, I can have sex with
them for you. I won't even charge you.
BRIAN
Um. Let me ask you a question, Scott
Baio. Why are exactly are you in our
house?
SCOTT BAIO
What do you mean why? We're hanging
out. We're becoming buddies.
BRIAN
You called me a liberal douchebag
idiot five minutes ago.

(CONTINUED)

8.
CONTINUED: (2)

SCOTT BAIO
But I'm a broadminded guy -- so I'm
willing to hang out with liberal
douchebag idiots like you. (IMITATING
BARBARINO FROM WELCOME BACK, KOTTER)
Up your nose with a rubber hose.
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table.
PETER
Man. That yacht party was awesome. I'm
surprised it ended so early. Is your
cousin gonna have another party
tomorrow?
QUAGMIRE
Probably not. He spent all of his
money -- and the bank took away his
yacht and sold it to Dr. Oz.
EXT. YACHT - DAY
KANYE WEST is snorting cocaine on the yacht deck, while DR.
OZ stands nearby.
KANYE WEST
(RAPS) Kanye West and Dr. Oz /
Snorting that blow and living real
large / I am a negro / He is Caucasian
/ We're doing yayo / I'm on probation
(STOPS RAPPING) Yo Oz. This is the
best yeah-ch-t party I've ever been
to. Is this yayo Bolivian?
(CONTINUED)

9.
CONTINUED:

DR. OZ
Yes. Little known fact. Bolivian
cocaine contains a compound that can
be used to treat yeast infections.
KANYE WEST
(TO KIM KARDASHIAN) Yo Kim! Do you
have a yeast infection?
KIM KARDASHIAN is standing several yards away from him.
KIM KARDASHIAN
No.
KANYE WEST
(RAPS) Kanye West is sailing east /
Kim's vagina ain't got no yeast
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
CLEVELAND
Your cousin spent all his money today?
QUAGMIRE
Yeah. All $20 million.
CLEVELAND
When did he make that money?
QUAGMIRE
Yesterday.
CLEVELAND
How?
QUAGMIRE
You know. By making an app.

(CONTINUED)

10.
CONTINUED:

PETER
Is that anything like taking a crap?
QUAGMIRE
No.
PETER
But those words rhyme. So they mean
the same thing.
QUAGMIRE
Except they don't, because that's not
how words work.
PETER
Sure it is. Haven't you ever read a
tyrannosaurus?
QUAGMIRE
You mean a thesaurus?
PETER
Tyrannosaurus and thesaurus rhyme -so they're cinnamons.
JOE
You mean "synonyms?"
PETER
Cinnamons and synonyms are also
cinnamons. Actually, no. Everything
I've said for the last 27 second has
been pure nonsense. (SUDDENLY, OUT OF
NOWHERE) Wait a second!
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

11.
CONTINUED: (2)
PETER (CONT'D)

(TO QUAGMIRE) Your cousin made $20

million with an app?! (TO EVERYONE)
Are you guys thinking what I'm
thinking?
Close up on Joe's head.
JOE (V.O.)
Cops is filmed on location with the
men and women of law enforcement.
Close up on Cleveland's head.
CLEVELAND (V.O.)
I'm the only person in this bar with a
mustache.
Close up on Quagmire's head.
QUAGMIRE (V.O.)
Get that camera away from me.
Zoom out from Quagmire's head.
Close up on Peter's head.
PETER (V.O.)
I even saw the lights of the Goodyear
blimp. And it read, "Ice Cube's a
pimp." Wait. Now I'm having another
thought. We should make an app.
PETER
We should make an app.
Close up on Joe's head.
JOE (V.O.)
That's a stupid idea.

(CONTINUED)

12.
CONTINUED: (3)

Close up on Cleveland's head.

CLEVELAND (V.O.)
That's a stupid idea.
Close up on Quagmire's head.
QUAGMIRE (V.O.)
I'm gonna have sex with a honeydew
melon.
Close up on Peter's head
PETER (V.O.)
I even saw the lights of the Goodyear
blimp. And it read, "Ice Cube's a
pimp."
JOE
Peter -- that's a stupid idea.
PETER
Are you saying Ice Cube is not a pimp?
JOE
Making an app is a stupid idea.
PETER
But Quagmire's cousin got rich.
CLEVELAND
99.999% of people who make an app
don't get rich.
PETER
Well. I am gonna get rich, because I'm
gonna be part of the 88.888%.

(CONTINUED)

13.
CONTINUED: (4)

JOE
That's not how numbers work, Peter.
PETER
Sure it is. They're cinnamons.
END OF ACT ONE

14.

ACT TWO
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Brian, Stewie, and Scott Baio are watching TV.
SCOTT BAIO
Let's watch Fox News.
BRIAN
I'm not really a fan of that channel.
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah. Because you're a liberal
douchebag idiot. I'm not a doctor -but I play one on TV.
BRIAN
Don't you have to, like, go film your
reality show?
SCOTT BAIO
Oh. Right. My reality show.
He takes out his cell phone and begins recording himself.
SCOTT BAIO (CONTD)
Scott Baio's reality show. Rated TVPG. Hi. I'm Scot Baio -- and this is
my reality show. I'm gonna masturbate
now -- but I'm gonna keep the camera
on my face the entire time, since this
is a family program.
BRIAN
Um. Me and Stewie -- we gotta get
going. We have to be at a, um ...

(CONTINUED)

15.
CONTINUED:

STEWIE
Liberal douchebag convention.
SCOTT BAIO
Oh. Well. I'll go with you.
BRIAN
Or you can go to your home.
SCOTT BAIO
Don't be stupid, Brian. That doesn't
make any sense.
BRIAN
Stewie. Can I see you in the kitchen
for a moment?
STEWIE
Yes. But first, put your hands in the
air, and wave them like you just don't
care.
BRIAN
No.
STEWIE
If you don't, I'm gonna ask Scott Baio
to give us a rundown of all the
different cocaines he can snort up his
nose.
BRIAN
Fine. (WAVES HIS HANDS) I'm waving my
hands, Stewie. Are you happy?

(CONTINUED)

16.
CONTINUED: (2)

STEWIE
Well. The thing is, it seems like you
care. I want you to wave your hands in
the air like you just don't care.
BRIAN
(CONTINUES WAVING HIS HANDS) I don't
care, Stewie. I don't care.
STEWIE
Now repeat after me. Say, "Hey, yo."
BRIAN
Hey, yo.
STEWIE
Hey, yo.
BRIAN
Hey, yo.
STEWIE
Hey, hey.
BRIAN
Hey, hey.
STEWIE
Hey, hey.
BRIAN
Hey, hey.
STEWIE
(CHANTING LIKE A RAPPER) All the
bitches in the house, take off your
clothes.

(CONTINUED)

17.
CONTINUED: (3)

BRIAN
All the bitches in the house, take off
your clothes.
CHRIS enters from the kitchen.
STEWIE
Walk in a straight line, and touch
your nose.
BRIAN AND CHRIS
Walk in a straight line, and touch
your nose.
STEWIE
All the dogs in the house, drink out
of a hose.
BRIAN
Just get in the damn kitchen, Stewie!
INT. GRIFFIN'S KITCHEN - DAY
STEWIE
So. What do you want to talk about?
BRIAN
How are we gonna get rid of Scott
Baio?
STEWIE
Well. He'll probably leave at some
point over the next several hours. I
guess we'll just wait.
BRIAN
Right. Yeah.

(CONTINUED)

18.
CONTINUED:

They walk back into the living room.

INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Scot Baio is setting up a tent while Chris watches.
CHRIS
Are we gonna tell ghost stories later,
Mr. Baio?
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING ARCHIE BUNKER FROM ALL IN
THE FAMILY) Stifle yourself, Edith!
BRIAN
Um. This might be a dumb question -but is that a tent?
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah.
BRIAN
Um. This might also be a dumb question
-- but what do you intend to do with
that tent?
SCOTT BAIO
Mostly sleep in it, and have sex in
it, and maybe wave my hands in the air
in it, like I just don't care.
STEWIE
That's the spirit!

(CONTINUED)

19.
CONTINUED:

BRIAN
(TO SCOTT BAIO) Remember how earlier,
you said something about being new to
the neighborhood? Does that mean you
also have a home in the neighborhood?
SCOTT BAIO
Don't be stupid, Brian. Why would I
have a home, when I have a tent in the
middle of your living room?
BRIAN
Fair point.
INT. APPLE STORE - DAY
Peter and some other CUSTOMERS are standing near the laptops.
Peter turns to a MAN who's typing on a laptop.
PETER
You think you're better than me, just
because you know how to type fast?
MAN
Uh. No.
PETER
Hey. Them's fightin' words where I
come from!
Peter takes off his shirt.
PETER (CONTD)
Massachusetts! I come from
Massachusetts!
MEG and a FEMALE FRIEND enter the store.

(CONTINUED)

20.
CONTINUED:

PETER (CONTD)
(TO MAN) (CHANTING) I come from
Massachusetts! / I come from
Massachusetts! / I come from
Massachusetts!

/ I come from

Massachusetts!
FEMALE FRIEND
(TO MEG) Meg. Isn't that your dad?
MEG
Uh. No. That's a shirtless man in an
Apple Store chanting, "I come from
Massachusetts." ... Let's to Forever
21.
Meg and her Friend exist.
An APPLE GENIUS (male, 30) walks up to Peter.
APPLE GENIUS
Sir. Can I help you?
PETER
Yeah. I need you to make an app for
me. A good app. One that'll make me
part of the 88.888%, instead of the
99.999%. Don't make one of those
stupid apps, that, um, smell like
cheese, and are only SPF 10.

(CONTINUED)

21.
CONTINUED: (2)

APPLE GENIUS
Sir. I'm not really qualified to deal
with a person who's at your level of
stupidity.
PETER
Fine. I'll dumb it down for you. I
need you to make an app that's, like,
really awesome, so I can buy a yacht.
APPLE GENIUS
Sir. Here at the Apple Store, we don't
make apps for people.
PETER
So you're saying I should hire a
Taiwanese person to make the app for
me.
APPLE GENIUS
That's not what I'm saying at all.
PETER
I hear you loud and clear. You're
saying I should hire a Korean person.
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Brian, Stewie, and Scott Baio are watching TV.
SCOTT BAIO
Man. Bill O'Reilly is on an amazing
right streak. His last 24 opinions
have been 100% right.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

22.
CONTINUED:
SCOTT BAIO (CONT'D)

Isn't he right about everything, Brian

-- you dumb, liberal son of a bitch?
BRIAN
Scott -- I'm only gonna say this one
more time. Get the hell out of this
house.
STEWIE
Brian -- I'm only gonna say this one
more time. All the bitches in the
house, take off your clothes.
The doorbell rings. Brian opens the door to reveal a POLICE
OFFICER (male, 40).
POLICE OFFICER
Hi. You called about someone who won't
leave your house.
BRIAN
Yes.
POLICE OFFICER
(LOOKS INSIDE) Holy crap! It's Scott
Baio!
SCOTT BAIO
I say the exact same thing every
morning when I look in the mirror to
shave.
POLICE OFFICER
Wow! I'm a huge fan of yours.

(CONTINUED)

23.
CONTINUED: (2)

SCOTT BAIO
I say the exact same thing every
afternoon when I look in the mirror to
masturbate.
POLICE OFFICER
I'll bet! (WALKS IN AND LOOKS AT THE
TV SCREEN) Hey. Bill O'Reilly. This is
my favorite show.
The office sits down.
SCOTT BAIO
Mine, too! (IMITATING ARI GOLD FROM
ENTOURAGE) Let's hug it out, bitch.
POLICE OFFICER
Sounds good.
Scott Baio and the Police Officer hug.
BRIAN
(TO THE POLICE OFFICER) Um. Remember
that whole thing I said earlier, about
the guy who won't leave my home?
POLICE OFFICER
Right. Yeah.
BRIAN
I was talking about Scott Baio.
POLICE OFFICER
Why would you want Scott Baio to leave
your home?

(CONTINUED)

24.
CONTINUED: (3)

SCOTT BAIO
Don't mind him. He says a lot of dumb
stuff that makes no sense. Do you want
to sleep over? I got a tent and
everything.
POLICE OFFICER
That would be great!
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING BEAVIS FROM BEAVIS AND
BUTTHEAD) I am Cornholio!
Peter enters.
SCOTT BAIO (CONTD)
Norm!
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
Peter is seated at a table with Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland.
JOE
So. Are you still doing the app thing?
PETER
Yeah. Last night, Scott Baio called up
this Korean computer genius named
Charles Ho -- and this afternoon, me
and Charles Ho had a meeting, and I
hired him. According to out contract,
he gets 20% of the profits plus all
the food he can eat -- and he handles
all of my company's technical stuff.

(CONTINUED)

25.
CONTINUED:

CLEVELAND
And what do you handle?
PETER
Mostly the non-technical stuff.
CLEVELAND
Such as?
PETER
Whether we should order Original
Recipe or Extra Crispy.
INT. KFC - DAY (FLASHBACK SCENE)
Peter walks up to a CASHIER (male, 30).
PETER
Can we have a 12 piece bucket, with
half Original Recipe, and half Extra
Crispy?
KFC EMPLOYEE
Sure.
Peter punches the Employee and grabs his collar.
PETER
OK! I'm not messing around anymore!
What are the secret herbs and spices?!
KFC EMPLOYEE
I don't know!
PETER
Salt! Is salt one of them?!
KFC EMPLOYEE
Probably.

(CONTINUED)

26.
CONTINUED:

PETER
What about pepper?
KFC EMPLOYEE
Fine! You win! The 11 secret herbs and
spices are salt, pepper, more salt,
more pepper, more salt, more pepper, a
little more salt, a little more
pepper, MSG, salt, pepper, salt, and
pepper.
PETER
Little known fact: Colonel is
pronounced cuh-LOW-nul.
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
CLEVELAND
In other words, Charles Ho makes the
app, and you buy chicken.
PETER
Yeah. I mean, that's how 99.999% of
businesses work. It's basic
macroeconomics. Chicken and apps.
JOE
Well what kind of an app is Charles Ho
making?
PETER
Look at me, Joe. I'm CEO. I can't
concern myself with minor details
about apps.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

27.
CONTINUED:
PETER (CONT'D)

I mean, when Cuh-LOW-nul Sanders goes

to work, do you think he puts the slaw
in every batch of cole slaw? Of course
not. He hires Korean Vice Presidents
who specialize in slaw. That's how you
run a business. With Korean slaw
specialists, and Korean app
specialists. Now, I'd love to continue
chatting with you gentleman about the
intriscuiticities of business
management -- but as you might
imagine, I need to take a nap.
He lies down on the table and falls asleep.
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - NIGHT
Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Brian, Stewie, Scott Baio, and
CHARLES HO (16, Korean) are eating dinner. We have yet to see
Scott Baio and Charles Ho at the table.
LOIS
Honey. Who's that guy sitting next to
you?
The camera changes to reveal Charles Ho eating meatloaf.
PETER
This is Charles Ho -- my Vice
President of CEO Technological
Development Managing Director of
Developmental Operations, Jr. the
Third, Nick Knack, Paddwack, Give a
Dog an Iphone App.
(CONTINUED)

28.
CONTINUED:

Charles is busy working on a laptop computer, while holding a

piece of meatloaf with one hand and taking a bite out of it.
LOIS
Peter. What the hell are you talking
about?
CHARLES
(speaks Korean to Chris)
CHRIS
(responds in Korean)
CHARLES
(responds in Korean)
Chris and Charles both let out a traditional Asian laugh.
LOIS
Chris -- you speak Korean?
CHRIS
I don't think so, mom.
BRIAN
Um. Sorry to interrupt your
fascinating discussion about whatever
idiotic thing Peter is doing this week
-- but aren't any of you curious about
how Scott Baio slept in a tent in our
living room last night, and now he's
sitting here in our kitchen?
The camera reveals Scott Baio eating directly out of his
plate like he's a dog.

(CONTINUED)

29.
CONTINUED: (2)

SCOTT BAIO
(TO LOIS) (IMITATING EDDIE HASKELL
FROM LEAVE IT TO BEAVER) Gee, Mrs.
Cleaver. This meatloaf is out of this
world. Do I detect a hint of oregano?
He picks up the plate and throws it against a wall.
CHARLES
(TO PETER) OK. I finished the app.
PETER
Great.
Charles grabs the rest of the meatloaf on the table, and
leaves.
Peter takes out his phone.
PETER (CONTD)
(INTO PHONE) Hi. I'm a millionaire,
and I want to buy a yacht. Do you have
any in fuchsia? (TO LOIS) They have
white and orange.
LOIS
Peter -- hang up the phone!
Peter hangs up.
LOIS (CONTD)
Who was that kid who just left?
SCOTT BAIO
And how come everyone's so obsessed
with Marcia? (IMITATING JAN FROM THE
BRADY BUNCH) Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

(CONTINUED)

30.
CONTINUED: (3)

PETER
Exactly. The hell with Marcia! (TO
LOIS) Lois -- we're dropping Marcia
from our family, and we're adding
Charles Ho.
LOIS
Who the hell is Charles Ho?
PETER
Charles Ho is my Vice President. Me
and him make a great computer team.
Just like Steve Jobs and Steve the
Other. Charles Ho is like Steve the
Other, since he does all the computer
stuff. And I'm like Steve Jobs,
because I order all the chicken.
SCOTT BAIO
I'm Rick James, bitch!
END OF ACT TWO

31.

ACT THREE
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
Brian, Stewie, Scott Baio, and the Police Officer are
walking.
SCOTT BAIO
Quahog is a great city. Especially
with our crew in it. We're kind of
like those four girls on Sex and the
City?
BRIAN
How the fuck are we like those four
girls on Sex and the City? You're an
insane man, he's a lunatic police
officer, I'm a dog, and Stewie is a
baby with a British accent.
STEWIE
I don't know, Brian. I'm kind of
getting a Sex and the City vibe, too.
(SPOTS A MAN IN A SUIT) Wow. Look at
the guy over there. I'm gonna casually
remove my panties. Tell me if he
notices.
SCOTT BAIO
The point is, Quahog is a great
freaking city.

(CONTINUED)

32.
CONTINUED:

POLICE OFFICER
Absolutely, bro. It's a great city.
Like, check it out. In Quahog, you can
just pee wherever you want to.
The Police Officer being urinating on the sidewalk.
BRIAN
(TO SCOTT BAIO) Well. You know what
city is even better than Quahog?
Virginia Beach. There are no liberals
there. You'd love it.
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING DAN AYKROYD ON SNL) Jane,
you ignorant slut! I'm staying right
here in Quahog.
BRIAN
Stewie. Can I talk to you in private
for a moment?
Brian and Stewie walk a few feet over.
BRIAN (CONTD)
How are we gonna get rid of Scott
Baio?
STEWIE
How about we try making a run for it?
BRIAN
We just tried that twenty minutes ago.
Scott Baio chased me down and tackled
me.

(CONTINUED)

33.
CONTINUED: (2)

STEWIE
Right. But maybe this time we make a
run for it, you'll realize that a dog
should be able to outrun a 1980s
sitcom actor.
BRIAN
I can't outrun Scott Baio -- OK!? We
need another plan.
SCOTT BAIO
Hey! Are you two gonna chat all day?
Let's go. We got stuff to do.
POLICE OFFICER
Yeah. We gotta go to the other side of
town, and pee there.
STEWIE
(TO BRIAN) I have an idea. (TO SCOTT
BAIO) You see that guy over there?
Stewie points to MORTY, who's walking on the sidewalk, 100
yards away from them.
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah.
STEWIE
He stole all of your cocaine and your
hookers.
SCOTT BAIO
Son of a bitch!

(CONTINUED)

34.
CONTINUED: (3)

Scott Baio takes off running on all fours like a dog, and
rapidly makes his way to Morty. He tackles him and starts
licking his face.
SCOTT BAIO (CONTD)
Give me my coke and hookers!
MORTY
Sir. I can assure you that I don't
have your cocaine or your hookers.
(RECOGNIZES SCOTT BAIO) Holy crap!
You're Scott Baio!
SCOTT BAIO
All the bitches in the house, take off
your clothes.
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are seated at a table. Peter
enters and sits down with them.
PETER
Alright, guys. The app is finished.
JOE
Well what kind of app is it?
PETER
I don't know.
JOE
Well. How many downloads has your app
gotten?
PETER
I don't know. Charles Ho is in charge
of those things.

(CONTINUED)

35.
CONTINUED:

Scott Baio, the Police Officer, and Morty walk in and up to

their table.
SCOTT BAIO
I heard someone say "Charles Ho is in
Charge." Are you guys doing a Charles
in Charge reunion show?
MORTY
(TO EVERYONE) Little known fact. Any
time someone says "Charles in charge"
or "Charles Ho is in charge," Scott
Baio makes an appearance because he
thinks it's a Charles in Charge
reunion show.
SCOTT BAIO
(TO EVERYONE) I'm a very versatile
actor. I can play Charles, or Charles
Ho. Let me show you. Here we go. "You
got it, dude."
QUAGMIRE
That was Michelle's catchphrase on
Full House.
SCOTT BAIO
Fool -- you don't go to college to be
talkin' to no bitches. Yo black ass
'posed to be learnin' somethin'.
JOE
That's Ice Cube from Boyz n the Hood.

(CONTINUED)

36.
CONTINUED: (2)

SCOTT BAIO
(TO POLICE OFFICE) Can't learn shit
talkin' to no stupid ass bitch.
POLICE OFFICER
True dat, homey.
MARK CUBAN walks in to the bar.
MARK CUBAN
Peter! What's up, homey! You know that
app I bought from you? It's freaking
amazing!
SCOTT BAIO
I ain't no criminal! I can read,
bitch!
MARK CUBAN
Wow! It's Scott Baio!
He punches Scott Baio in the face, and walks away.
CLEVELAND
(TO PETER) You sold your app to Mark
Cuban?
PETER
For $20 million.
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING DJ FROM FULL HOUSE) Oh
Mylanta!
Mark Cuban walks back towards everyone, punches Scott Baio in
the face, and then walks away.

(CONTINUED)

37.
CONTINUED: (3)

PETER
Now if you guys will excuse me, I
gotta go buy, like, everything.
QUAGMIRE
Peter. Slow down. You don't want to
blow your money the way my cousin did.
Quagmire looks over Peter's seat, and notices that he's gone,
as are Scott Baio, Morty, and the Police Officer.
QUAGMIRE (CONTD)
Peter? (TO JOE) What the hell happened
to Peter? And Scott Baio.
Quagmire's phone rings.
QUAGMIRE (CONTD)
(ON PHONE) Peter. Where are you?
EXT. PAYPHONE - DAY
Peter is talking on a payphone.
PETER
Um. I, um. I spent all the money.
QUAGMIRE
What? How?
PETER
I got a little carried away after I
left. You know how it is. One you
start spending money, you go through
it pretty quickly.
QUAGMIRE
How the hell did you spend $20 million
in eight seconds?
(CONTINUED)

38.
CONTINUED:

PETER
Hey. I only got 16 Million. The rest
went to the Koreans.
QUAGMIRE
How the hell did you spend $16 million
in eight seconds?
PETER
Actually, it was six seconds. And, you
know. It's the usual story. I bought
too many big boats, I ate too many
endangered species -- plus, Scott Baio
is part of my entourage, and that guy
can do a lot of Panamanian yayo.
Scott Baio, the Police Officer, and Morty are standing behind
Peter at the payphone. The Police Officer is urinating on the
sidewalk.
MORTY
(TO SCOTT BAIO) I thought we snorted
Bolivian yayo.
SCOTT BAIO
All the dogs in the house drink out of
a hose.
PETER
(INTO PHONE) Yeah. The bank
repossessed everything -- including my
cell phone. But the good news is that
Mark Cuban paid me in cash, so I don't
have to pay income taxes.

(CONTINUED)

39.
CONTINUED: (2)

An IRS AGENT wearing an "IRS AGENT" t-shirt is standing

behind Peter.
IRS AGENT
What did you say?
PETER
None of your business! This is an A
and B conversation -- so why don't you
make like a tree, and C?
POLICE OFFICER
(TO IRS AGENT) Yeah. You liberal
douchebag idiot.
SCOTT BAIO
We be clubbin! Everybody likes when
the girl shakes something!
PETER
Wow, Scott Baio. You always know the
perfect thing to say.
SCOTT BAIO
Westside!
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Stewie and Brian are watching TV. The doorbell rings. Brian
opens the door to reveal DAVID SCHWIMMER
DAVID SCHWIMMER
Hi. I just moved into the
neighborhood, and I was wondering if
you could put your hands in the air,
and wave them like you just don't
care.

(CONTINUED)

40.
CONTINUED:

STEWIE
(CALLS ACROSS FROM THE ROOM) Say hey
yo.
DAVID SCHWIMMER
Hey yo.
STEWIE
Hey yo.
DAVID SCHWIMMER
Hey yo. All the bitches in the house,
take off your clothes.
BRIAN
Aren't you the guy who played Ross on
Friends?
DAVID SCHWIMMER
Yeah. I'm David Schw...
Brian slams the door in his face.
THE END