Successfully Failing At Ambition

New perspectives on success, failure, and ambitiousness.

success: {1. the achievement of something planned or attempted 2. an impressive achievement, especially the
attainment of fame, wealth, or power}
My dad told me several times in my youth that no matter what I do, if I am the best at it, I would be successful.
As a kid, I did not strive much for what the world would call "success," because I do not think I had found
anything to be successful at, which fell within the realm of my natural talents and desiresespecially by the
definitions of success to the world. I did not enjoy school, I was not very good at sports, and had not been
exposed to much else that I really enjoyed - except nature - and how does one become "successful" at bugs and
lizards?
By high school my self-esteem seemed to be quite low, as surely I was basing my own worth on the standard
measures of success around me - popularity, athletic ability, and academic ability. Although I did have friends
(and in my opinion, they were "cool" friends) I did not really fit in with the "popular" crowd. I wrestled, but
was better at being folded up like an origami than at victory in the ring. I possessed intelligence, but lacked
interest or drive in schoolwork. So, with no other definition of "success," I suppose I believed myself to be a
failure. With this narrow and bleak outlook, the natural flow of events became negative behaviors such as drug
and alcohol use, destructive violence, sexual selfishness, and a generally crappy and rude attitude.
So then, taking the definition of "success" and coupling it with the activities I was beginning to engage inI
began to strive to be the best at those behaviors. The violence in me led to street fighting, and after
experiencing a couple of victories, I strove to be the toughest. I quickly gained a reputation as a fighter and I
began enjoying the fame or "success." After learning a few shallow and heartless techniques to manipulate
young women, I became intent at "scoring" as many meaningless encounters with women as I could. I was
becoming a successful violent, selfish, womanizing jerk.
Just a couple years in to university I had a spiritual awakening experience after traveling over seas. With this
awakening experience I decided to "give my life to God." Finally, I had a new perspective on life, I had
meaning and reason to live, and I had a desire to love and to "do good." One little issue, among many issues, is
that my view of "success" still remained the same. So now, my intentions became more positive by most
standards, and my outward appearance impressed some peopleI was well on my way to sainthood. I was
going to be the "best Christian," the "most righteous," and of course, famous, for my effortsbecause, after
allGod would surely want me to be "successful" - wouldn't he? Isn't that what life is all about?
I soon realized that my heart had truly opened up to help people in need, particularly youth and children. I
began to nurture a vision to build sustainable youth ranches all over the world - places of healing and love for
young people in need. And of course, I wanted to be "successful" at that endeavor, so I would need to make it
BIG!
Now how would I fund all of this? Surely I would have to have a lot of money to buy these farms to support
this enormous worldwide project. So I quickly began exploring business opportunities to fund the vision. After
dabbling with everything from multilevel marketing companies to construction, I figured that the best option for
me was in real estate investment. While still in university, I began purchasing little fixer-upper homes and

learning how to remodel them. I used debt to get a cash flow goingand lots of debt. Determined to be
"successful" at real estate investment, I dove in headfirst. My goal was to be a millionaire by the time I reached
30 years old.
I also realized that I had been given talents in the arts, and of course these talents must have been given so that I
could be "successful" with them. So now, I must become a famous, righteous, businessman, artist, youth ranch
builderand the best at each. My expectations of myself continued to mount.
By age 25, married with 2 kids; a bachelors degree in social work; divorced; remarried; a professional artist,
showing and selling paintings in fine art galleries; acting on T.V. commercials; modeling professionally;
working actively with youth and children; I had about 20 houses as rental properties; and had amassed around
of a million dollars in debt. In my quest for success I had created a monster of ambition that began to eat at my
soul and led to extreme disillusionment in life, which would require very drastic measures in my own heart in
order to heal. I needed an all out revolution.
But - I put it off for several more years. I just didn't get it. The "American" ideals of success had been so
engrained in me that I could not see far enough past my own ego to realize that the voice of God and the leading
of the spirit had nearly faded from my consciousness. I felt and heard bits and pieces of the leading of the spirit
within me, yet, my own understanding and my own ambition still rang so loud that I could not let go of so many
of the weights and pressures I had accumulated over the years. I did make a feeble attempt to escape the world
system and the ego kingdom I had built when I packed up my bags and moved my family to Costa Rica in 1999.
I was going to finally pursue my real vision and start the project of self-sustaining youth ranches.
Ha ha ha.
What an arrogant and ignorant little man was I!
I somehow thought that my own efforts, talents, and ego would accomplish this great feat - and would bring
"glory to God." Though I do believe I had found a location I was called and destined to live in, that little jaunt
lasted less than a year. I simply did not have the understanding, wisdom, maturity, life experience, selfrealization, or the endurance to build what I believed I was meant to build. So, as I returned to the United States
with my tail tucked between my legs, I had all the more reason to build up my ego and hide behind my pride.
I was indeed touching on and realizing certain things, which I still believe to be true. Part of my life mission
was to separate from my known world, to let go of attachments to what had been comfortable, and even to live
in Costa RicaThe issue was not so much in the physical details of my living environment, as it was the
condition of my own heart - the pride, arrogance, lust, selfishness, and the overall submission to the ego, rather
than the surrender to the Spirit of God.
Though at many levels, I truly desired a life of surrender to the Most High, I simply did not have a healthy
perspective, or the humility to receive such a perspective. So, as the clich goes, I would take one step forward
and two steps backward. During this time, through my choices and my ego defense, I ended up hurting many
people and failing at many promises. The only way out of the misery I had created was to blast into the depths
of my own heart; to expose my ego in all its separation and darkness; to admit my failures; to receive
forgiveness and forgive myself; and to take action for true and lasting change.
And so I plunged - deeper and deeper. Into the past and into the present, I sought counsel with professional
counselors, with spiritual leaders, with friends, with God, and with myself. I cried, I screamed, I kept journals,
and I cried some more. Through the intense pain of my second divorce, and over a course of about 3 years of
very intense "soul searching" and deep heart cleansing, I began to see brighter light, began to feel the leading of
the Holy Spirit, and began to live in greater health than I had ever experienced.

With the healing journey and the humility I received, I began shedding ambition as well. Finally I decided that
the time had come to pursue the calling of my heart, which was to return to Costa Rica and to build the vision I
had held for so many years. I had given up my career as a real estate investor and businessman several years
before, and was now ready to let go of my attachment to my career as an artist in order to fulfill my deep soul
purpose in life.
So I left. I now needed a new kind of faith - that God could even heal the wake of pain and confusion that I had
caused to so many other people, including my own children I had hurt through divorce. I certainly still needed
to learn many lessons and still needed new perspectives - including the desperate need to redefine success, and
to let go of all worldly ambition. Even though I had left behind so much, and let go of so many ambitious
pursuits, I still needed more cleansing. Even the ambition to build such a grandiose project to "prove to the
world" that I was successfulI simply had to let it all go.
I was very fortunate to receive many helps along the way to assist me in gaining humility and letting go of
attachments. It would be difficult to count the number of times I was stolen from - even loosing the entire
$50,000 nest egg I had invested from the sale of my house. People have come and made promises, and left
without fulfilling them. Through it all I learned that the project I had been working on all these years,
appropriately called, Awakening Soul, was actually, all about me and about the awakening of my own heart.
Yes, over the years many young people have come and are still coming. Nearly all have had very meaningful
and life-changing experiencesthe ones who receive the most are the ones who realize that the whole project
really about them and their own awakening of the heart.
I am learning that my success does not reside within the eyes of men and women. My success lives within me,
and is not a result of worldly accomplishments. I have chosen to base my success upon the journey of humility
and of love. I am still in the constant process of healing, called "life."
Who are you? What is your purpose? What are you going to do about it?
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Andres and his wife, Zahrah facilitate internships, empowerment counseling, and natural healing on a
beautiful organic farm in Costa Rica. For more information about Awakening Soul; the vision of living
in community; and for free downloads of Awakening Soul music, books, and other articles, visit:
www.Awakening-Soul.org
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or email - [email protected]_