HARRISONBERGERON

ByKurtVonnegut,Jr.
THEYEARWAS2081,andeverybodywasfinallyequal.Theyweren'tonlyequalbeforeGodandthelaw.Theywereequal
everywhichway.Nobodywassmarterthananybodyelse.Nobodywasbetterlookingthananybodyelse.Nobodywasstronger
orquickerthananybodyelse.Allthisequalitywasduetothe211th,212th,and213thAmendmentstotheConstitution,andto
theunceasingvigilanceofagentsoftheUnitedStatesHandicapperGeneral.
Somethingsaboutlivingstillweren'tquiteright,though.Aprilforinstance,stilldrovepeoplecrazybynotbeingspringtime.
AnditwasinthatclammymonththattheHGmentookGeorgeandHazelBergeron'sfourteenyearoldson,Harrison,away.
Itwastragic,allright,butGeorgeandHazelcouldn'tthinkaboutitveryhard.Hazelhadaperfectlyaverageintelligence,which
meantshecouldn'tthinkaboutanythingexceptinshortbursts.AndGeorge,whilehisintelligencewaswayabovenormal,hada
littlementalhandicapradioinhisear.Hewasrequiredbylawtowearitatalltimes.Itwastunedtoagovernmenttransmitter.
Everytwentysecondsorso,thetransmitterwouldsendoutsomesharpnoisetokeeppeoplelikeGeorgefromtakingunfair
advantageoftheirbrains.
GeorgeandHazelwerewatchingtelevision.ThereweretearsonHazel'scheeks,butshe'dforgottenforthemomentwhatthey
wereabout.Onthetelevisionscreenwereballerinas.AbuzzersoundedinGeorge'shead.Histhoughtsfledinpanic,like
banditsfromaburglaralarm.
"Thatwasarealprettydance,thatdancetheyjustdid,"saidHazel.
"Huh"saidGeorge.
"Thatdanceitwasnice,"saidHazel.
"Yup,"saidGeorge.
Hetriedtothinkalittleabouttheballerinas.Theyweren'treallyverygoodnobetterthananybodyelsewouldhavebeen,
anyway.Theywereburdenedwithsashweightsandbagsofbirdshot,andtheirfacesweremasked,sothatnoone,seeingafree
andgracefulgestureoraprettyface,wouldfeellikesomethingthecatdrugin.Georgewastoyingwiththevaguenotionthat
maybedancersshouldn'tbehandicapped.Buthedidn'tgetveryfarwithitbeforeanothernoiseinhisearradioscatteredhis
thoughts.
Georgewinced.Sodidtwooutoftheeightballerinas.
Hazelsawhimwince.Havingnomentalhandicapherself,shehadtoaskGeorgewhatthelatestsoundhadbeen.
"Soundedlikesomebodyhittingamilkbottlewithaballpeenhammer,"saidGeorge.
"I'dthinkitwouldberealinteresting,hearingallthedifferentsounds,"saidHazelalittleenvious."Allthethingstheythinkup."
"Um,"saidGeorge.
"Only,ifIwasHandicapperGeneral,youknowwhatIwoulddo?"saidHazel.Hazel,asamatteroffact,boreastrong
resemblancetotheHandicapperGeneral,awomannamedDianaMoonGlampers."IfIwasDianaMoonGlampers,"said
Hazel,"I'dhavechimesonSundayjustchimes.Kindofinhonorofreligion."
"Icouldthink,ifitwasjustchimes,"saidGeorge.
"Wellmaybemake'emrealloud,"saidHazel."IthinkI'dmakeagoodHandicapperGeneral."
"Goodasanybodyelse,"saidGeorge.
"WhoknowsbetterthanIdowhatnormalis?"saidHazel.
"Right,"saidGeorge.Hebegantothinkglimmeringlyabouthisabnormalsonwhowasnowinjail,aboutHarrison,buta
twentyonegunsaluteinhisheadstoppedthat."Boy!"saidHazel,"thatwasadoozy,wasn'tit?"
ItwassuchadoozythatGeorgewaswhiteandtrembling,andtearsstoodontherimsofhisredeyes.Twooftheeight
ballerinaswhohadcollapsedtothestudiofloor,wereholdingtheirtemples.
"Allofasuddenyoulooksotired,"saidHazel."Whydon'tyoustretchoutonthesofa,so'syoucanrestyourhandicapbagon
thepillows,honeybunch."Shewasreferringtothefortysevenpoundsofbirdshotinacanvasbag,whichwaspadlockedaround
George'sneck."Goonandrestthebagforalittlewhile,"shesaid."Idon'tcareifyou'renotequaltomeforawhile."
Georgeweighedthebagwithhishands."Idon'tmindit,"hesaid."Idon'tnoticeitanymore.It'sjustapartofme."

"Youvebeensotiredlatelykindofworeout,"saidHazel."Iftherewasjustsomewaywecouldmakealittleholeinthe
bottomofthebag,andjusttakeoutafewofthemleadballs.Justafew."
"TwoyearsinprisonandtwothousanddollarsfineforeveryballItookout,"saidGeorge."Idon'tcallthatabargain."
"Ifyoucouldjusttakeafewoutwhenyoucamehomefromwork,"saidHazel."Imeanyoudon'tcompetewithanybody
aroundhere.Youjustsitaround."
"IfItriedtogetawaywithit,"saidGeorge,"thenotherpeople'dgetawaywithitandprettysoonwe'dberightbacktothedark
agesagain,witheverybodycompetingagainsteverybodyelse.Youwouldn'tlikethat,wouldyou?"
"I'dhateit,"saidHazel.
"Thereyouare,"saidGeorge.Theminutepeoplestartcheatingonlaws,whatdoyouthinkhappenstosociety?"
IfHazelhadn'tbeenabletocomeupwithananswertothisquestion,Georgecouldn'thavesuppliedone.Asirenwasgoingoff
inhishead.
"Reckonit'dfallallapart,"saidHazel."Whatwould?"saidGeorgeblankly."Society,"saidHazeluncertainly."Wasn'tthat
whatyoujustsaid?"Whoknows?"saidGeorge.
Thetelevisionprogramwassuddenlyinterruptedforanewsbulletin.Itwasn'tclearatfirstastowhatthebulletinwasabout,
sincetheannouncer,likeallannouncers,hadaseriousspeechimpediment.Forabouthalfaminute,andinastateofhigh
excitement,theannouncertriedtosay,"LadiesandGentlemen."
Hefinallygaveup,handedthebulletintoaballerinatoread.
"That'sallright"Hazelsaidoftheannouncer,"hetried.That'sthebigthing.HetriedtodothebesthecouldwithwhatGod
gavehim.Heshouldgetaniceraisefortryingsohard."
"LadiesandGentlemen,"saidtheballerina,readingthebulletin.Shemusthavebeenextraordinarilybeautiful,becausethemask
sheworewashideous.Anditwaseasytoseethatshewasthestrongestandmostgracefulofallthedancers,forherhandicap
bagswereasbigasthosewornbytwohundredpoundmen.Andshehadtoapologizeatonceforhervoice,whichwasavery
unfairvoiceforawomantouse.Hervoicewasawarm,luminous,timelessmelody."Excuseme"shesaid,andshebegan
again,makinghervoiceabsolutelyuncompetitive."HarrisonBergeron,agefourteen,"shesaidinagracklesquawk,"hasjust
escapedfromjail,wherehewasheldonsuspicionofplottingtooverthrowthegovernment.Heisageniusandanathlete,is
underhandicapped,andshouldberegardedasextremelydangerous."
ApolicephotographofHarrisonBergeronwasflashedonthescreenupsidedown,thensideways,upsidedownagain,thenright
sideup.ThepictureshowedthefulllengthofHarrisonagainstabackgroundcalibratedinfeetandinches.Hewasexactlyseven
feettall.TherestofHarrison'sappearancewasHalloweenandhardware.Nobodyhadeverbornheavierhandicaps.Hehad
outgrownhindrancesfasterthantheHGmencouldthinkthemup.Insteadofalittleearradioforamentalhandicap,heworea
tremendouspairofearphones,andspectacleswiththickwavylenses.Thespectacleswereintendedtomakehimnotonlyhalf
blind,buttogivehimwhangingheadachesbesides.Scrapmetalwashungalloverhim.Ordinarily,therewasacertain
symmetry,amilitaryneatnesstothehandicapsissuedtostrongpeople,butHarrisonlookedlikeawalkingjunkyard.Intherace
oflife,Harrisoncarriedthreehundredpounds.Andtooffsethisgoodlooks,theHGmenrequiredthathewearatalltimesa
redrubberballforanose,keephiseyebrowsshavedoff,andcoverhisevenwhiteteethwithblackcapsatsnaggletooth
random.
"Ifyouseethisboy,"saidtheballerina,"donotIrepeat,donottrytoreasonwithhim."
Therewastheshriekofadoorbeingtornfromitshinges.Screamsandbarkingcriesofconsternationcamefromthetelevision
set.ThephotographofHarrisonBergerononthescreenjumpedagainandagain,asthoughdancingtothetuneofan
earthquake.
GeorgeBergeroncorrectlyidentifiedtheearthquake,andwellhemighthaveformanywasthetimehisownhomehaddanced
tothesamecrashingtune."MyGod"saidGeorge,"thatmustbeHarrison!"Buttherealizationwasblastedfromhismind
instantlybythesoundofanautomobilecollisioninhishead.
WhenGeorgecouldopenhiseyesagain,thephotographofHarrisonwasgone.Aliving,breathingHarrisonfilledthescreen.
Clanking,clownish,andhuge,Harrisonstoodinthecenterofthestudio.Theknoboftheuprootedstudiodoorwasstillinhis
hand.Ballerinas,technicians,musicians,andannouncerscoweredontheirkneesbeforehim,expectingtodie.
"IamtheEmperor!"criedHarrison."Doyouhear?IamtheEmperor!EverybodymustdowhatIsayatonce!"Hestampedhis
footandthestudioshook."EvenasIstandhere"hebellowed,"crippled,hobbled,sickenedIamagreaterrulerthananyman
whoeverlived!NowwatchmebecomewhatIcanbecome!"

Harrisontorethestrapsofhishandicapharnesslikewettissuepaper,torestrapsguaranteedtosupportfivethousandpounds.
Harrison'sscrapironhandicapscrashedtothefloor.Hethrusthisthumbsunderthebarofthepadlockthatsecuredhishead
harness.Thebarsnappedlikecelery.Harrisonsmashedhisheadphonesandspectaclesagainstthewall.Heflungawayhis
rubberballnose,revealedamanthatwouldhaveawedThor,thegodofthunder.
"IshallnowselectmyEmpress!"hesaid,lookingdownonthecoweringpeople."Letthefirstwomanwhodaresrisetoherfeet
claimhermateandherthrone!"Amomentpassed,andthenaballerinaarose,swayinglikeawillow.Harrisonpluckedthe
mentalhandicapfromherear,snappedoffherphysicalhandicapswithmarvelousdelicacy.Lastofallheremovedhermask.
Shewasblindinglybeautiful.
"Now"saidHarrison,takingherhand,"shallweshowthepeoplethemeaningoftheworddance?Music!"hecommanded.
Themusiciansscrambledbackintotheirchairs,andHarrisonstrippedthemoftheirhandicaps,too."Playyourbest,"hetold
them,"andI'llmakeyoubaronsanddukesandearls."Themusicbegan.Itwasnormalatfirstcheap,silly,false.ButHarrison
snatchedtwomusiciansfromtheirchairs,wavedthemlikebatonsashesangthemusicashewanteditplayed.Heslammed
thembackintotheirchairs.
Themusicbeganagainandwasmuchimproved.
HarrisonandhisEmpressmerelylistenedtothemusicforawhilelistenedgravely,asthoughsynchronizingtheirheartbeats
withit.
Theyshiftedtheirweightstotheirtoes.Harrisonplacedhisbighandsonthegirlstinywaist,lettinghersensetheweightlessness
thatwouldsoonbehers.Andthen,inanexplosionofjoyandgrace,intotheairtheysprang!Notonlywerethelawsoftheland
abandoned,butthelawofgravityandthelawsofmotionaswell.Theyreeled,whirled,swiveled,flounced,capered,gamboled,
andspun.Theyleapedlikedeeronthemoon.Thestudioceilingwasthirtyfeethigh,buteachleapbroughtthedancersnearerto
it.Itbecametheirobviousintentiontokisstheceiling.Theykissedit.Andthen,neutralinggravitywithloveandpurewill,they
remainedsuspendedinairinchesbelowtheceiling,andtheykissedeachotherforalong,longtime.
ItwasthenthatDianaMoonGlampers,theHandicapperGeneral,cameintothestudiowithadoublebarreledtengauge
shotgun.Shefiredtwice,andtheEmperorandtheEmpressweredeadbeforetheyhitthefloor.
DianaMoonGlampersloadedthegunagain.Sheaimeditatthemusiciansandtoldthemtheyhadtensecondstogettheir
handicapsbackon.
ItwasthenthattheBergerons'televisiontubeburnedout.
HazelturnedtocommentabouttheblackouttoGeorge.ButGeorgehadgoneoutintothekitchenforacanofbeer.
Georgecamebackinwiththebeer,pausedwhileahandicapsignalshookhimup.Andthenhesatdownagain."Youbeen
crying"hesaidtoHazel.
"Yup,"shesaid.
"Whatabout?"hesaid.
"Iforget,"shesaid."Somethingrealsadontelevision."
"Whatwasit?"hesaid.
"It'sallkindofmixedupinmymind,"saidHazel.
"Forgetsadthings,"saidGeorge.
"Ialwaysdo,"saidHazel.
"That'smygirl,"saidGeorge.Hewinced.Therewasthesoundofarivettingguninhishead.
"GeeIcouldtellthatonewasadoozy,"saidHazel.
"Youcansaythatagain,"saidGeorge.
"Gee"saidHazel,"Icouldtellthatonewasadoozy."
"HarrisonBergeron"iscopyrightedbyKurtVonnegut,Jr.,1961.