THE LONELY PILGRIM

[GANDHIJFS NOAXHALI PILGRIMAGE]

BY

MANUBAHEN GANDHI

NAVAJIVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE

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The Lonely Pilgrim
THE LONELY PILGRIM
[GANDHIJI’S NOAKHALI PILGRIMAGE]

The original in Gujarati

BY

MANUBAHEN GANDHI

NAVAJIVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE

AHMED ABAD -14
 First Edition, 3,000 Copies, August 1964
Rs. 3

© The Navajivan Trust, 1964

Printed and Published by Jivanji Dahyabhai Desai

Navajivan Press, Ahmedabad-14
 PREFACE

Humanity, basically, is one integral whole, but

various nations, communities and groups centre round
different religious thought, social customs and modes
of behaviour, thus forming divers units which some¬
times clash with one another. The fiercest dissension
and violence occur when one concourse of men smarts
under injustice done to it by another and tries to
remove it.

To date, the chief means, i.e. that of violence has

been used to redress such wrongs done to them. But
experience shows that the method of violence does
not actually rectify the injustice. There is only a sem¬
blance of its removal and that too for a short time,
as injustice persists in other guises; or, like the
phoenix, arises from its ashes reborn.

Man is so constituted that differences in view¬

points, beliefs, faiths etc., as well as conflicts, arising
out of them, are bound to take place. Unless these
differences and conflicts are resolved, society, as a
whole, will not be able to go its way in peace. We
can go one further and say that, just as it is human
nature to form fighting units, so also it is equally able
to bring about unity in diversity and to adjust diffe¬
rences. But if violence has been the only means to settle
disputes, its lack of success in achieving its object
has been proved time and again.

in
IV THE LONELY PILGRIM

The problem facing mankind today is whether

there is any effective substitute for violence to do away
with injustice, and bridge the gap caused by diffe¬
rences and antagonisms.
Love and non-violent methods have been success¬
fully tried in the past to smooth away frictions and
tussles between individuals and small groups of men.
But there is no reference in history to substantiate the
fact that non-violence was successfully used to resolve
the conflicts between two large masses of men. It was
Gandhiji who first carried on a lifelong sadhana* to
implement the idea of the use of non-violence or love
for the removal of injustice on a wholesale basis. To
settle both internal differences and squabbles in Hindu
society as well as the unjust relationship that existed
between the British and Indians, he showed how non¬
violence could be successfully employed. It can be
truthfully said that it was his life’s mission to give a
practical demonstration to humanity of the fact that
non-violence or love, so essential to prove the oneness
of mankind, was the only sure means to right wrongs
done even to large masses of men.
During the pursuit of this, his ordained mission,
dissensions between the two limbs—the Hindu and
the Muslim—of the body-politic of India became
most acute in the evening of his life. Their first serious
clash took place in Bengal and was most violent in
the eastern section of this Province.
True to his life’s mission Gandhiji accepted the
challenge offered by the dreadful communal imbro¬
glio in Bengal and used his technique of non-violence
or love to settle the differences.

*Strenuous attempt for spiritual elevation

 PREFACE V

It is not pertinent here to discuss how far, and in

what respects, this experiment was successful. What
is essential, however, is to remember that this experi¬
ment of Gandhiji’s gave us very valuable suggestions
for the future development of the technique of non¬
violence. That is why he considered the preservation
of a day-to-day record of his way of living, and of the
stupendous efforts he was putting forth to make the
experiment a success, as of paramount importance to
future generations of mankind.

Consequently, from the very beginning of the

experiment, the Mahatma kept Smt. Manubahen
Gandhi by his side—both to attend to his personal
needs and to help him in his arduous work. He
also insisted on her keeping a record of how he spent
each day in Noakhali and other places. In Smt. Manu-
bahen’s daily diary we have an authentic eye-witness
account of Gandhiji’s pilgrimage on foot, through
Noakhali.

This diary contains many attractive and instruc¬

tive features such’ as a faithful and reliable report of
Gandhiji’s daily activities, his method of getting a
good deal of work from his helpers without letting them
feel the burden and, more than both these, his unique
system—soft like a flower and adamant (at times)
like steel, as a Sanskrit poet says—of training the per¬
sons under him so as to make them of invaluable help
to him in his chosen work. But the most important
feature, from the point of view of the future develop¬
ment of the human race, is the exact account given,
herein in great detail, of the experiment (of non¬
violence or love) carried on single-handed by Gandhiji
to make the work successful. Be it remembered that
 VI THE LONELY PILGRIM

the work was accepted by him as his special mission

in the last years of his life.
All those who desire to make experiments in
future in order to evolve a successful technique of non¬
violence for the solution of the world’s ills, will be for
ever indebted to Smt. Manubahen Gandhi for pre¬
serving these details so carefully, faithfully and with
such love and devotion.

Bombay,
4-1-’54 Morarji Desai
(Translated from Gujarati)

v
 CONTENTS

Chapter Page
PREFACE (Morarji Desai) iii

I THAT RED-LETTER DAY ... 3

II INITIATION INTO SELF-SACRIFICE . 8
III IN CHARGE OF THE WORK . . 16
IV THE IMPORTANCE OF THE DIARY . 27
V THREE INVALUABLE LESSONS . . 32
VI PANDITJl’s VISIT .... 42
VII PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE . 55

VIII THE LONELY PILGRIM . . . 73

IX THE FIERY ORDEAL . . . 102
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THE LONELY PILGRIM
 I
THAT RED-LETTER DAY

When there were serious upheavals in the country

in October 1946, family affairs necessitated my presence
at Udaipur, and thus I was not with Bapu at this
time. A terrifying communal riot broke out in Bengal.
It had its repercussions in Bihar as well. Bapuji had to
leave for Bengal. Before his departure from New Delhi,
he wrote to me (at Udaipur) as follows:

Manudi,*

I received your letter from Udaipur yesterday. I shall

be leaving for Bengal, I suppose, in a day or two. I would
have been happier, if you had come here before I left. But
now, please yourself. I am quite content with whatever
makes you happy and sets you on the road to service. Stay
on there till Umiya is satisfied. You ought to be able to
recoup your health there. The place is known for its brac¬
ing climate.

Blessings,
Bapu

As he did not know my whereabouts when he

reached Calcutta, he wrote to my father from there:

* ‘di’ : A term of endearment given to a little girl

3
4 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Calcutta,
4 11-’46
-

My dear Jayasukhlal,
Manu’s letter along with yours to her. At her request,
I return them to you as I am not sure if she has arrived
there. I have no time to write her separately or even this
letter to you but I write, as I must do so.
* * *

The letter had to be finished in three parts. I fear

this may turn out to be my last. The Bihar episode makes
me resolve not to stand by, as a mere silent witness, if people’s
mentality does not improve. As it is, I am already on a
partial fast, but health is its chief reason. However, Bihar,
it seems, may lead me to undertake a complete fast. The
day after tomorrow I leave for Noakhali.* I write the fewest
possible letters these days. Only after my arrival here today,
could this long one be finished. Manu’s place can be
nowhere else than here by my side. But now it is practically
impossible. May she be happy and free from disease! The
rest of the news you can get from the newspapers.

Blessings,
Bapu

I read this letter when I reached Mahuvaf on

December 1st, and the same night the radio announced
that Bapuji had sent away all his colleagues to different
villages in Noakhali. Bapu’s words in my father’s
letter, “ Manu’s place can be nowhere else but here
by my side” moved me deeply. Ah! If only Bapu will
let me attend to his personal needs! I mused over this,
but that appears now to be impossible. For how can

*A district, now in East Pakistan

fA small town in Gujarat State
 THE RED-LETTER DAY 5

he possibly ask me to be with him, when he has already

sent away those near him to various villages in and
around Noakhali ?
These thoughts made me sleepless. I got up, woke
my father and sought his advice. “At least write
to him”, he said. “If you are earnest about serving
Bapu, your desire will surely be fulfilled.” His words
filled me with enthusiasm and hope. Immediately,
therefore, at the dead of night, at 1.30 a. m., I wrote a
letter to Bapu, explicitly laying down the condition
on which I would join him:
“ I do not wish to come, if you want me to work
in some village away from you. I am doing that work
as best as I can at this end. On the other hand, I am
eager and anxious to be with you, if only you will let
me help you and look after you. If so, please wire,
to enable me to come up before you start on your
trek. I promise to brave any dangers that might be¬
fall me.”
I wonder what stars were working in my favour
that midnight at 1.30 a. m. ! The letter evoked the
response I wanted. Twas filled with joy, as on 11-12-546
evening I espied from afar the telegraph peon coming
towards me. I tore open the envelop and lo! the
telegram was Bapu’s!
Ramganj,
Jayasukhlal Gandhi,
Care/Shepherd,
Mahuva

If you and Manu sincerely anxious for her to be

with me at your risk you can bring her to be with me.
Wire arrival Khadi Pratishthan, College Square, Calcutta.

Bapu
6 THE LONELY PILGRIM

I felt that the blessings of my Grandma and pare¬

nts were responsible for my good luck. I was thrilled
that Providence had intervened to help me and turn
a dream into reality. I felt gratified at this fresh mark
of Bapu’s continued benevolence.

My father wired Bhavnagar for leave of absence.

Before it was granted, I wrote a letter to Bapu which,
on my reaching Noakhali, he returned and asked me
to keep it with me till the end of my life. This was,
perhaps, because it contained a solemn promise in
writing on my part. This was the only letter which he
asked me to preserve. Here is that letter:

“ Mahuva,
12-12-’46

Dear and Revered Bapuji,

I got your wire last evening. I am immensely

happy to learn that you have so kindly agreed to let
me serve you; father has wired Bhavnagar for 15
days’ leave. We expect it to be granted and we shall
be with you earliest by the 22nd or 23rd inst. Before
we start for Calcutta we shall wire Khadi Pratishthan
regarding our expected arrival.

I had already consulted father, and together we

had fully considered all the possible dangers that could
confront me, before I had decided to join you. And
my letter contains all these details, so that, a short
telegram of your approval would have sufficed.
This reminds me of what you said to me on one
occasion. When Zaheta, Kantabahen and all my
chums left me, I was depressed and exclaimed, ‘Bapu,
I am alone now!’ ‘Alone ?’ you said admonishing
 THE RED-LETTER DAY 7

me, ‘ how could you be alone, when I am with you ?

It would be you and I together who shall always be
alone. 5 And then you cited a verse ( II; 70 )
from the Bhagavadgita explaining its meaning. That
golden day of our staying together alone has verily
arrived at last! And now I only pray to God to give
me strength to serve you faithfully to the end.
I have read your letter addressed to Papa. Of
course, you are right in saying that I was silly in that
matter. Had I been wise, how could such a thing have
happened ? But God, I feel, abides with fools also.
How else could I be addressed by pet names? And
that too by you ? What’s done is done. You will have
to teach me wisdom. At present the prospect of ser¬
ving you makes me forget everything. In your service
I will willingly accept even daggers, if that be my
fate.
I trust your health is good.

Your daughter,
Manudi”
We left for Calcutta on 15-12-’46. A guide from
Khadi Pratishthan accompanied us to Noakhali.
It took us full 24 hours to reach Kazirkhil, Gandhiji’s
headquarters. The journey was trying. At last, we
reached Shrirampur, where Gandhiji had encamped,
at 3 p. m. in the afternoon on 19-12-’46. That day is
written in letters of gold in the book of my life.
 II

INITIATION INTO SELF-SACRIFICE

Shrirampur,
19-12-’46, Thursday
When we had the first glimpse of Bapuji at about
3 p. m., he was sitting alone on a long wooden bed¬
stead plying his spinning wheel. Around him were
soldiers of the I. N. A.*, Col. Jivansinhaji and others,
who wanted to join him in his work. They were ques¬
tioning him regarding some points on which they
wanted clarification, and all became deeply absorbed
in their conversation.
We entered the hut. The threshold was about
four feet from Bapuji’s seat. So I ran straight to him
and knelt down. He gave me a sound pat on the back,
twisted my ear, slapped me on my cheek and pinched
it too. “ So, you have come, ” he said; and turning to
the Colonel, observed, “This girlie has come, prepared
for death. That’s why I took a couple of minutes off
from attending to you. And now let’s go on. . . .”
In about six or seven minutes the party left and
Bapu inquired about my health. “ How do you find
me?” I queried in answer. “ Oh! Just the same.
But you seem to have put on weight .”
Then he turned to my father, “ When did you
start? Was the train overcrowded? I got Manudi’s
letter. Even when she came to Delhi, I pressed her
to remain with me. But she wanted to go to Umiya;
so she went away leaving a letter for me. That letter
charmed me. I think I wrote to Manu what I felt
* Indian National Army of Shri Subhash Chandra Bose.

8
 INITIATION INTO SELF-SACRIFICE 9

about it. After that I had to come down to Bengal*

Quite a different situation faces us here. There’s no
option here but to do or die. I was not sure if Manu
would be prepared for that, but I got her letter showing
her eagerness to come. As she wanted me to wire my
reply, I did so. She will be put to a very severe test
by the situation here. I consider this Hindu-Muslim
unity problem an altar for self-sacrifice. Not a trace
of impurity can pass muster here. If there is even a
speck of it in Manu, she will fail and go to pieces.
Let’s all be clear on this point. She can return even
now. Better to do so now than with shame and disho¬
nour afterwards.”
Bapu then looked straight at me and said in all
earnestness, “Do you realize clearly what I mean?
If not, let Jayasukhlal explain. Here you have to pass
through a crucible of fire.”
The talk ended there as Kularanjanbabu returned*
As it was getting dark, Bapu asked Bhai, i. e. Papa
to leave, but told me to stay on even though my
bedding was yet to come. “This is the holy ground of
sacrifice,” he explained to Papa, “I can’t let you sleep
or have your meals here. You may go back to Kazir-
khil and send Manu’s bedding.”
Bapu spared a carpet for me from his kit. He
lay down to sleep at 9.30 p. m.
Exactly at 12.30 a. m. I felt a hand softly pass
over my head and I woke up. “ Manudi ”, said Bapu,
“ are you now awake? I want to have a talk with you.
Note clearly what the situation expects of you and
then after a talk with Jayasukhlal, decide quickly.
You know, his leave is running short.”*
*For details of this talk see Bapu — My Mother, (1962),
pp. 8-11.
10 the lonely pilgrim

Ever since I came here last evening, I had heard

a lot regarding Bapu’s activity in Noakhali. All I can say
is that it is beyond the power of language to give a
true picture of the exalted state of his mind, the wonder¬
ful work he is doing and the stupendous difficulties
he is withstanding. Suffice it to quote a well-known
bhajan of the Gujarati Poet, Akha Bagat. It is an apt
description of Bapu and those like him.

The ways of the Sage

You cannot gauge!
When the night is dark,

And the tiny bark,

Turns here and there
And everywhere,
The boatswain has his gaze

At the Star always.

So, mariner-wise
Are the ways of the wise.

In all his deeds

And all his needs,
Himself he removes
From mundane grooves.

As melts the snow,

It flows you know,

He sees the One

And all, from One.
From Freedom’s bower

His actions flower.

 INITIATION INTO SELF-SACRIFICE 11

The wisest resign

The attempt to divine,
They say, ‘the mind
Falls short, we find!’
That state he gains;
What, then, remains?

To him from the sky

Comes down the cry,
The Voice Eternal
And Supernal.
That rarest soul
Sees all One Whole;
Though this is hard,
Says Akha, the bard.

Shrirampur,
20-12-’46, Friday
Again at 3.30 a. m. I was awakened by Bapu.
He was already up and doing. This is what he wrote
in his diary of that day:

Got up at 12.30 a.m. and awoke Manu at 12.45 a.m.

Explained to her all that was expected of her, and asked
her to consult Jayasukhlal. She can even now change her
mind and return home, but once she takes the plunge, she
ought to withstand all dangers. She did not waver in the
least. Just for my sake, however, she will talk to Jayasukh¬
lal; but he, on his part, had given her a free hand to decide
her course, and is expected to do the same now. This talk
went on till 1.15 a.m. and then at 3 a.m. got up again for
prayers.

All this Bapu wrote in his own hand in his diary

and then asked me to copy the part concerning me
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
12

and send it to Papa. By the time I finished it, it was

3.30 a, m. The prayers then began. He asked me
to sing henceforth the hymns and recite the Bhagavad-
gita during the prayers which Nirmal Babu and Paras-
ramji also attended. When they were over, Bapu
asked me to think over our talk of last night again,
but 1 had told him my decision immediately after
our chat. I said, 44 If you accept my single condition
to let me be with you wherever you go, I accept in
return all your conditions and all the tiials that may
be in store for me. Since my childhood, Papa has
always allowed me to do as I liked and has never
distrusted me. So you need to be concerned with my
wish rather than his. ”
As I went to prepare hot water for him, Bapu
wrote a chit to me:

Dear Manudi,

Keep your word. Never hide even a single thought

from me. Give me the whole truth as you know it, when¬
ever I want to know something from you. The step I
took today was taken after grave deliberation. Put down
in writing for me your reaction to it. I will be utterly frank
with you and apprise you of all my thoughts. But all I
want at present from you is this: Let it be ingrained in
your mind that whatever I tell you or want from you is
always for your good.
Bapu

I replied: 44 I will willingly suffer to the last all

my trials and troubles. I have the fullest faith and
trust in you. And now, the more terrible and darker
the picture you draw of Noakhali, the more is my
mind steeled to stay on here. ”
 INITIATION INTO SELF-SACRIFICE 13
Bapu replied:
If all this is true, I have nothing more to say. What
remains for me now is but to understand you. If your
faith has gone that deep, you are safe and well-protected;
and silly as you are, you, too, will play your part to the
full in this great drama of self-sacrifice. If you don’t under¬
stand anything, you can ask me.
Bapu

At 7.30 a. m., Bapu went out for his morning

stroll. On the way he said, “ Don’t make the mistake
of thinking that you have been summoned here simply
to serve me. You know that neither a little girl nor
an old lady is safe here. So if you, a youngster of 16 or
17 years, bravely resist an attack from ruffians or die
in the attempt, I shall dance with joy. I want to make
you the object of my experiment in fearless non-violence
and therefore you have been sent for.”
In Noakhali, one has some times to cross on
bamboo bridges to get to the other side. So Bapu used
to practise crossing, as it requires skill to do so success¬
fully. The local children could do this safely and qui¬
ckly, but a stranger is very likely to trip and fall into
the ditch below.
On our return from the morning walk, I washed
Bapu’s feet and then massaged his body. Bapu was
lulled into napping for half an hour during the massa¬
ge. After his bath, when he was taking his morning
meal at 10 a. m., Papa came up to bid us farewell.
Bapu said, “Manudi is firm as a rock. I had a long
talk with her. You may go now with an easy mind.
Don’t be anxious about her.”
Papa replied, “ Now that she has decided to stay
here, you may keep her with you as long as you like.
Why should I worry over her when she is with you ?”
14 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Bapu: 44 For myself, I am resolved not to send her

away as long as I am alive. But she is free. She can
go home whenever she likes if she gets tired. She may
leave me, but I shall never leave her. Nothing can
part us now but death. And what can death do after
all? It can separate the bodies, but is not the soul
immortal? It is my cherished desire to draw out all
the hidden best in her which I have noticed.”
Papa started for Mahuva at 11.30 a. m. Bapu asked
me to send back all my extra luggage with him. At
3 p. m. he asked me to read to him my diary. I object¬
ed, and said, 4‘I am ashamed to read my confessions
aloud to you.”
Bapu explained, cc There is greater purification in
boldly confessing one’s shortcomings face to face than
by simply writing them down for others to read or by
conveying the same through a third person. So read
out your diary yourself. I shall gather from it what
you have understood, and then I shall sign it. That
saves my time in reading, and also the strain on my
eyes. As for you, all you have to do now is to serve
me in all possible ways. You shouldn’t pay attention
to anything else. Consider this a part of your duties
and go ahead.”
So I read out to him my diary of the previous day.
When he finished his spinning, he signed it.
At 4 p. m. he dictated some letters. 441 want
the same work from you as I used to from Mahadev
and Prabha,” he remarked.
When I was alone with myself, after evening
prayers, I was in a pensive and a rather dejected mood.
I wondered if I could prove myself fit for the heavy
responsibility entrusted to me.
 INITIATION INTO SELF-SACRIFICE 15

“ Why are you so glum? 55 exhorted Bapu, “ It’s

a sin to keep back anything from me—your mother!
Out with your thoughts, good or bad.”
“From your letters to . . . which you dictated a
little while ago, I see how great are the expectations
you have formed of me, and I am afraid I shall not
come up to the mark,” I said.
“But why should you worry over that,” Bapu
objected. “Don’t you know that line of Gurudev
Tagore — Tt’s wrong to get worried’ ? Sincerity is
all that’s wanted. If that is there, all else shall be added
unto you. Let’s rely entirely on God to help us and
then do our bit faithfully. That’s all. If we are worried
we may pray to Him, and He will surely endow us
with the power to rise to the occasion and do our
duty satisfactorily. We may also chant His name.
Have the fullest faith in Him, and let Him worry about
the rest. The baby simply cries for milk when it is
hungry. It is however, the mummy that comes up and
feeds it, because the responsibility and anxiety for
feeding the baby rests not with it but with the mother.
So be a child. If you carry on your own shoulders the
load and responsibility of your work, I am sure, you
can never stand the strain. Leave the burden to me
and to God and do your work according to the power
He generates in you.”
To day was the first occasion, when I sang prayers,
aloud before the public. So there was a tremor in my
voice. Bapu did not fail to notice it. He remarked,
“ One shouldn’t pray as if it were a routine matter,
or as an exercise in musical performance. If your pra¬
yers are really sincere, the listeners are sure to be deeply
moved. Your diffidence will peter out in a few days.”
16 THE LONELY PILGRIM

At 8.30 p. m. Bapu wrote down the Bengali

alphabet by way of practice. I read to him the post
and the newspapers. I have taken up the full work
of attendance on Bapu’s needs from today onwards.
What a shower of God’s grace on me! It was
exactly in this way that I had a chance to attend to
grandma and now I have the rarest luck to serve the
world’s greatest personality — and that too, during
a period of such self-imposed ordeal! I can correctly
visualize the truth of the old adage, £ Truth alone
succeeds’. Let my faith in Thee, my Lord, be always
as firm as at present and let me be fit for all these
blessings vouchsafed by you to me.

Ill

IN CHARGE OF THE WORK

Shrirampur,
21-12-’46, Saturday
Bapu got up at 3.30 a. m., a little earlier than the
time set for prayers. As he brushed his teeth, I read
aloud to him the letters which he had dictated to me
yesterday. It was time for prayers before my reading
was over and he signed my diary.
After prayers he had his glass of warm water and
honey and then corrected the draft of his evening
prayer-speech which was prepared by Nirmal babu.
The correction took quite a while. After this, he had
a glass of sweet lemon juice and set out for his morning
walk — an unusually long one today. Some press-
reporters and I accompanied him. During that stroll
of 40 minutes, Bapu inquired after my progress in the
study of the Bhagavadgita.
 IN CHARGE OF THE WORK 17

“ Ever since my release from jail,” I admitted,

Ci my study of the Gita has been very haphazard.
I tried to understand what I could by my own efforts;
but I deliberately refrained from asking others to help
me with it as I wanted nobody but you as my Guru
of the holy Gita. I had no objection to others teaching
me other subjects. 55

Bapuji was unhappy. cc That was an infatuation,

nothing else, ” he explained. “ Why should we not
have thousands of Gurus if we gain true knowledge
thereby? One can learn wisdom even from a child. Why
should you feel shy to learn good things from others ?
However, what is done is done. It’s never too late
to mend. From to day itself we start the study of the
Gita. There won’t be much trouble for you in the pro¬
nunciations of words, but what grieves me is the fact
that you do not understand the meaning of the verses.
You will write down five verses daily. You know that the
third canto deals with Yajna. Lord Krishna categori¬
cally lays down there that the man who is selfish
and eats his bread without offering anything to Him
by way of sacrifice (of service) is verily a thief. Now,
that is a momentous statement, since eating stolen
bread is as harmful as gulping down raw mercury
which is indigestible and poisonous. It causes erup¬
tions all over the body. In the same way, stolen bread
lands one in trouble. If, even for a moment, a man
lapses from this duty of self-sacrifice, he is a thief.
So, we must never fail to sacrifice something for others.
For the person whose heart is sound and in the right
place, self-sacrifice is an easy thing. Neither wealth,
intelligence, nor learning is a pre-requisite for it. By
‘ sacrifice 5 I mean any benevolent activity. He alone
can be said to be free from the taint of eating stolen

L-2
18 THE LONELY PILGRIM

bread, whose whole life is one unbroken string of self-

sacrifice.
“So a man is a greater thief with smaller sacrifice
and vice versa. Carrying our thinking to this depth, we
realize that every one of us is a thief to some extent.
Our Yajna can be whole and complete only when
we relinquish the last vestige of self-interest, i. e. when
we give up the ego completely and so discard our
preference for self or our dear ones in any matter
whatsoever. One ought never to think in terms such
as, ‘this is my brother, but that one is an outsider;
this is my sister but that girl is nothing to me.5 He
alone who dedicates his all to the Lord can achieve
entire selflessness. Service, in the true sense, is rendered
only by him who makes God the guide of all his
deeds and considers himself as His servant, entirely
at His disposal. Such a person always enjoys
happiness and peace of mind. In fact, neither joy nor
sorrow disturbs his equipoise and serenity. He uses
his body, mind, intellect, nay, everything, in some
sort of philanthropic activity daily. All of us cannot
rise to this height of total self-abnegation. What then
is that benevolent work by which we can legitimately
feel we are helping the whole world? A search for an
answer to this question brings us to the conclusion that
among such activities the principal one is that of
spinning. This is the only work easily done, in a spirit
of helpful service, by countless persons, collectively,
or individually. That sacrifice can be made for our
country; nay, even for the whole world. It is the one
means of satisfying the hunger of starving millions.
The blind, the mute, the deaf, the rich and the poor,
the aged and the child can spin. Moreover, one can
think of God while stretching out each strand of
 IN CHARGE OF THE WORK i9
thread from the slivers. This lesson from the Gita I
have woven into my being. My object in explaining
the verses of the Gita in this way is that you should not
remain content with merely memorizing the verses,
but should put into practice the lessons you learn there¬
from. A literal, grammatically correct, explanation
of the Gita does not satisfy me if no lesson is learnt
from it. By explaining the meaning of the verses to you,
I thereby also taught you the true spirit behind the
glorious word Yajna. The spinning wheel is thus
involved in Yajna and Yajna itself within the wheel.'’
Bapuji was very earnest while telling me all this.
The exposition lasted right up to the end of our
walk, till we reached home. Then I washed his muddy
feet and he wrote the Bengali alphabet. When he was
writing it I made the necessary preparations for his
massage and hot water for his bath.
During the massage Bapuji fell asleep for about
20 minutes. He tires easily. After massage and bath,
he took his meal, dictating the while a draft of a letter
to Suhrawardi Saheb. He had 8 oz. of milk, a vegetable
and unleavened thin bread made from barley flour.
As barley seeds had been sent to us in plenty, Bapuji
had asked me to crush them into powder with a stone
and make bread. But breads of such rough flour (made
not by grinding the seeds but only crushing them)
could not come up to his standard of perfection. So,
he told me to boil henceforth both barley and a vege¬
table together in the cooker.

Bapuji’s hostess here is a loving old lady. We cannot

understand each other’s language, but she manages
to persuade me to have some more food by making
gestures and sees that I take it.
20 THE LONELY PILGRIM

I, too, have begun to learn Bengali from today.

Bapuji exhorted me: “Let’s see now which one of
us beats the other in Bengali.”
He lay down for rest at lp.m. I rubbed ghee
on his legs and he used this period of relaxation in
revising his letter to Suhrawardi Saheb, and then in
examining my diary. He liked it but asked me to be
brief as the time at my disposal for writing it was short.
“Jot down the central point,” he said, “that will
teach you how to write briefly. Study the brevity of
my style of writing. Your summary of the talk on sacri¬
fice shows that you have grasped the idea.”
Bapuji woke up at 2 p. m. thus allowing himself
a nap of 15 minu tes. A parcel of fruits from Shri Birla’s
firm arrived at 3 p. m. Then came a tailor who mea¬
sured me for a suit in the Punjabi style. At 3-15
p. m. he lay down to have mud packs on his head
and stomach. During that repose, Bapuji dictated to
me a letter to Shrikrishna Sinha of Bihar. He dozed
off for only 5 minutes and then received visitors for
a long interview. Mr. Zaman, the Additional District
Magistrate, Major Striker, Dr. Das Gupta, and three
Relief Officers came in and discussed with him the
proposed route of his pilgrimage. In his talk with Mr.
Zaman regarding the method of getting work from dis¬
placed persons, Bapuji said, “The Government cannot
force them to work. It is a different thing if they do it
voluntarily. The various associations are the right
agencies for attending to such matters.”
The interview lasted till 5 p. m., when Bapuji
went to the prayer meeting. Rain prevented a large
gathering from attending. Even so, 50 to 60 persons
must have been present. People have not yet gained
confidence and are still afraid of him, and dare not
 IN CHARGE OF THE WORK 21
approach him for relief, as that would entail fresh
attacks from Muslims if they came to know of it.
The whole time after the prayers was spent by
Bapuji in a talk with Sushilabahen who had come from
the village in her charge.
On his return from the evening walk Bapuji drank
a glass of milk and ate some raisins. As I had no imple¬
ment like a wooden roller-pin, I could not prepare
khakharas .*
He had only a bite of sandesh\ which our loving
old hostess compelled Bapuji to accept.
As Bapuji had not been able to complete his
sacrificial spinning of the day, he spun yarn from
8.30 to 9 p. m. and completed 160 rounds]; of yarn.
Then he wrote up his own diary and lying down on
the wooden bedstead, listened the entries in mine. He
asked me to leave it by his bed side for his signature in
the morning.
On coming out of the bathroom with his hands
and face washed, Bapuji saw me preparing his bed
single-handed. So he helped me in spreading his bed-
sheet, in spite of my strong protest against his taking
the trouble. CCI see,” he explained, “that your protest
is tainted by a tinge of subtle egotism. I do know that
it is your love for me that impels you to save me any
trouble. But we must face facts. We two are the only
hands to do the whole of the household work here.
If you insist on doing it all alone by yourself, you may
soon fall ill and stop attending to my needs. And, is
spreading a bed sheet such an arduous work that I

*Very thin discs of unleavened wheat bread baked crisp

fA Bengali sweet made of coconut
JOne round on the winding reel equals 4 yards
 22 THE LONELY PILGRIM

might get tired? So from now on, whatever work

suggests itself to me, I shall do myself; and you, too,
may do what you think you should.”
It pained me to seeBapuji spreading his bed sheet
himself. It reminded me of my late Grandma. Had
she been alive, I thought, would things have come to
such a pass? But after this talk I had not the courage
to stop Bapuji from spreading the sheet.
At 9-30 p. m. Bapuji lay down on his bed and
listened to the newspapers being read aloud for half
an hour. He asked me to finish the day’s work and go
to bed as soon as he did so. "‘Even if you can’t
complete the work,” he said, “let it remain incomplete
but make it a point to go to bed when I do. If you
don’t, I shall feel ill at ease and shall not get a wink
of sleep as long as you remain awake.”
Bapuji was anxious about me for two reasons. If
I exerted too much and kept late hours to finish the
work, I might get ill. But what weighed with him
even more was my stay in this region which was dan¬
gerous, especially for a young Hindu girl like myself.
So, following the wise adage, ‘Forewarned is forearmed’,
I too lay down to sleep soon after he retired, but I
did finish rubbing ghee on his head, massaging his legs
and bowing down to him (by way of bidding him good
night). This is the third day since I came here. I am
happy that I could take charge of all the work to be
done here so soon, after my arrival.

Shrirampur,
22-12-’46, Sunday
At 1-30 a. m. Bapuji got up and woke me. He
asked me to go back to bed immediately after provid¬
ing him with writing materials. I did so and fell asleep
 IN CHARGE OF THE WORK 23
again. Then at 2-30 a. m. I was once more awakened.
I read to him some letters which he had dictated yester¬
day, and he signed them. Bapuji wrote very impor¬
tant and touching letters today, among them are the
following:

Two letters from you to hand. Shri . . . has caught

my eye and I am drawn to him. If I feel that my stay
here will be a fairly lengthy one, I shall be more than
happy to utilize the services of many people like . . . Though
not an empty boast, your reference to your freedom from
fear does not become you. People ought to learn to shed their
fear and keep up their spirits even if they know that such *
hooligans as you mention are at large. As long as we
can’t train ourselves to make fearlessness a part of our being,
we are bound to remain spiritually crippled. Let us forget
the distinction between violence and non-violence. We
debase the term ‘non-violence’ when we use it for the
cowardly non-resistance of the helpless. That should pro¬
perly be called astuteness or cunning of the weak. All we
seem to have learned thus far is this low cunning of the
coward. That is why I have begun to be afraid lest I,
too, may be imbued — even though unconsciously — with
this trickery in the guise of non-violence; hence I have
come here for self-introspection and for going through a
severe and honest test of my courage in the true concept of
non-violence. But policemen have encamped here, and
now Sikh friends also have come. Add to them, Parashram
and Nirmalbabu who are with me; and finally, the day
before yesterday, came Manudi to whom I dictate this
letter. Has all this nothing to do with my air of nonchalant
fearlessness? I wonder. Bit enough of it. A word to the
wise, and so I stop.
With Blessings,
Bapu
24 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Here is another letter giving a graphic picture of

the tragedy that Noakhali is:
Your letter to Pyarelal came direct to me. He and the
others are busy carrying out their respective duties and
braving death itself in doing so. He cannot write now or send
you anything as he used to, when we were all together.
As your letter was directed to Kazirkhil, Satishbabu
forwarded it to me here. Pyarelal knows nothing about
it as yet. He visits me occasionally.

At 3 a.m., in the early hours of the morning, I am dic¬

tating this letter to you. I'have not brushed my teeth etc.
yet. I shall do it at 4 a.m. Then prayers and the daily
routine. I can stand this strain only if God sustains me.
But I am not at all anxious about my health. Though it
has continued to stand the stress and strain up till now, it
is a very stiff test I am passing through here. My ideas of
truth and non-violence are at present being weighed in a
delicate sensitive balance, like the one used for weighing
pearls. Just as a fraction of a hair disturbs that balance, the
slightest infringement of truth and non-violence will make
the indicator of my balance tremble violently. I am certain
that the principle of truth and non-violence can never be
wrong or defective; but this case (of Noakhali) may show
up the deficiency of its exponent and avowed representative,
i.e., myself. If that be so, I only hope that God will be
merciful enough to call me back to Him and get His work
done through a worthier soul.

I am sorry that I cannot myself do the work that

Pyarelal used to do, and also that I have not yet been
able to adjust the work here in such a way as to get
Pyarelal’s work done by the two persons with me. But I
hope to do so, as both of them are competent. Your letter
will act as an incentive to that adjustment. At her own
request, Jayasukhlal has left Manu with me. She has been
 IN CHARGE OF THE WORK 25
here for the last 4 days. I let her stay with me as she was
prepared to meet death if need be in my company. And
now, lying comfortably in bed with my eyes closed, I am
dictating this letter to her. Sucheta is also with us in this
small room, and is * asleep. So, I am dictating this letter
to Manu in a very low tone. The wooden bedstead com¬
monly used in this part of the country is large enough for
three persons to sleep together. I do all my work sitting
or lying on it, and do not have to get out of it for any¬
thing. Treat the telegram which you sent me as now useless.
There is no end to the exaggerations regarding the situation
here. Not that people deliberately or consciously exaggerate
things. It has become almost an automatic habit to do so.
They have no real conception of the meaning of the word
‘exaggeration’. Like greenery growing in wild profusion
in the monsoon, human fancy soars to the sky here, with
no bearing as to truth or facts. All around us tall cocoanut
and betelnut trees are seen in thick clusters and in their
shade grow flora of infinite variety. The rivers here are
all big like the Sindhu. It is here that those great rivers,
the Ganga, the Yamuna and the Brahmaputra, pour their
colossal waters into the Bay of Bengal.

If you have not already replied to the sender of the

telegram, I advise you to do so in these terms: ‘On sending
positive proofs to substantiate your statements, the Central
Government may possibly do something in the matter, though
it has no legal authority to do so. There is, of course,
—Gandhi at your disposal and he will not fail to help. But
as he is known to be the champion of truth and non-violence,
it is likely that he may disappoint you. But then, if Gandhi
fails you, how can men trained under him be of much real
help in the matter?’

The situation here poses many difficulties and problems.

No amount of probing brings out the truth. In the guise
26 THE LONELY PILGRIM

of non-violence, violence is practised and heinous crimes

are committed in the name of religion. But are not truth
and non-violence best tested here, in the midst of this orgy
of crime, violence and untruth? I know it is so, and fully
realize the implications. That makes me remain here, and
till conditions improve I shall not leave. It will be an
evil day for me if, overcome by cowardice, I run away.
Nowhere else in India do I find the situation as difficult as
here. That is why I am determined to succeed or die in the
attempt.
The Radio gave the news yesterday that ... is coming
here to consult me. What is the use of my seeing all and
sundry? Any one of you, of course, who has something
to ask me can do so.

* * *

I am here on the spot itself, where the fire is raging.

So I can give a reliable report of what happens here and
the truth about the situation. You may have seen the report
of the Bihar (Muslim) League. I have written to . . .
about it and asked ... to let you all know my view on the
matter. It is terrible if even half of it is true. I have ab¬
solutely no doubt on the point that an immediate enquiry
should be made by a committee composed of men of un¬
doubted veracity. Not a day should be allowed to lapse
in the matter. Whatever is true in the League’s report, we
must admit. What cannot be admitted should be handled
by the Enquiry Committee. You too should go and see the
Muslim League ministers in the matter. I am already
carrying on a correspondence with Suhrawardi Saheb which
has not yet ended.
I can understand and visualize the stress and strain
you are going through even though I am here, so far away
from you. But some things have got to be done, no matter
how great the strain. How can I suppose that your health
 THE IMPORTANCE OF THE DIARY 27

is alright? But I presume that you are fit enough to work.

I trust you will be completely normal in due course. •

With Blessings,
Bapu

One can easily see from his letters the agony that
Bapuji is passing through in the midst of the calm and
quiet of the surroundings here.
Prayers were held late at 4 a. m.

IV

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE DIARY

As today is the 22nd, the date on which the revered

Grandma passed away, the entire Gita was recited in
loving memory of her. The function went off very
well as Sushilabahen, who was here, recited the verses.
Before it ended, Pyarelalji and an English friend, Mr.
England came on foot from their village. When pra¬
yers were over, they told us they had started their
tramp as early as 2 a. m., but in the darkness they had
lost the mud track and so were somewhat late.
It was a pity, since Mr. England wanted to attend the
whole programme of the recitation and the prayers.
But Mr. England had some questions to ask Bapuji,
who made him sample his favourite drink of honey
in warm water. The poor man’s face betrayed that he
did not relish it. Bapuji talked to Pyarelalji for an
hour. Having had a glass of fruit juice at 6.30 a. m.
Bapuji started off for his morning walk and continued
his talk with Pyarelalji. On his return, the day’s routine
of massage, bath etc., was begun. Bapuji fell asleep
28 THE LONELY PILGRIM

for a full hour during the massage. He feels very tired

to day as he has been awake and working since 1-30
a. m.

For his morning meal he had barley and vegeta¬

ble, 8 oz. of milk and grapefruit. Though a visit to Paliana
(a village nearby) had been arranged by one of the
workers of the village, Bapuji did not approve of the
idea, and so he merely sent a message to the people
of the hamlet. It contained an apology for being unable
to visit them; an appeal to the Hindus to give up
untouchability, and to all communities to live amica¬
bly together. As men of all classes and creeds were
created by the one God, the message stated at the end,
they should love one another and behave as brothers.

At 12-30 p. m. Bapuji lay down to rest. While

relaxing thus, he dictated a letter to Suhrawardy
Saheb. ... I rubbed ghee on his legs. Then he slept for
half an hour from 1-30 to 2 p. m. And then he drank
a glass of coconut water. As it is cold today he went
outside, sat on a table and basked in the sun, had
another massage, spun his usual quota of yarn, and
listened to my diary at the same time. He told me
once again to note down only the main ideas. “But, ”
I objected, “ don’t you think that it will be useful
to me in future, if I can remember and write down
every word that you say?”

“ Yes,” agreed Bapuji, “ my heritage to you all

can be preserved that way. Mahadev used to do exactly
the same. He wished that he could die before me,
with his head on my lap, and also be able to write
a faithful account of my life and work. Of these two
wishes, God fulfilled the one that he wanted the most.
 THE IMPORTANCE OF THE DIARY 29

. . . Are you too, like Mahadev, undertaking the task

of writing my biography?”*
“ Ah ! If only I could be as good a writer as
Mahadevbhai! ” I said wistfully.
Bapu: “In that case you must learn the art of
rapidly noting down all that I say. You are certainly
quick at writing; but how can you be everywhere at
once and cope with all the work? I must say, however,
that I would like you to make notes of whatever I say
as they will teach you a lot.”
Bapuji remarked on my health as follows: “ Here,
I am your mother, and you must tell me frankly
whenever you feel ill. I, for one, certainly want to
be a living testimony that an adult male, also can be
a girl’s mother and solve her various problems.”
In this way, Bapuji, I find, taught me a good many
things. These I had noted in my diary. At 3.15 p. m.
Satishbabu and his wife Hemaprabhadevi came to
see Bapuji.
He talked with them about current events and the
present situation, and then began his day of silence
at 7 p. m. Earlier, at 4-45 p. m. he had for his evening
meal a vegetable, 8 oz. of milk and two oranges.
Prayers were held. This was followed by Bapu’s even¬
ing walk, when he chatted with Mr. England and
gave him a send-off. Returning from his walk he
had honey and warm water at 6-30 p. m. and began
to correct his prayer speech which is now a daily
feature of most newspapers; I doubled his yarn at the
same time. It came to 80 double rounds. This shows
that Bapuji spun 160 single rounds in an hour. Then
*That memory of Bapuji, with his smiling face, presents
itself vividly before my eyes even today when his prophetic
words have come true.
 30 THE LONELY PILGRIM

I made his bed. At 8-30 p. m. Bapuji lay down on

it for rest. He studied his Bengali lesson and wrote
down its alphabet, while reclining. I massaged his
legs, rubbed oil and finishing my work at 10-30 p. m.
went to bed.

Shrirampur,
23-12-H6, Monday
No need to get up early today as it is Bapuji’s
day of silence. I slept on till prayer time when Bapuji
awakened me. After prayers, but before having his
warm water, Bapuji wrote up his diary in which
he observed:
Excellent sleep today. Woke up early at 3.30 a.m.
and felt unhappy. How shall I cope with the large amount
of work here ? Where do my precepts of non-violence and
efficiency stand in the present context? Do they meet the
challenge of the situation successfully? These questions,
worry me.

After his glass of honey in warm water, he wrote

his own letters today. Among them was one to Sane
Guruji in which he gave his views on intercaste meals,
with Harijans. There were letters to Thakkar Bapa,*'
to Manilal Kakaf and to my father, the first to him
from Bapuji after my coming here. This is the letter:
Dear Jayasukhlal,

It is due to Manudi (who reminded me just now at

6 a.m.) that I write this letter. You know today is my
silence day, when I have time to write more letters than
usual.

*Bapa=father. A title given by the people for his un¬

tiring service to the cause of Harijan and aboriginal betterment..
|Kaka=uncle; Gandhiji’s son living then in South Africa
 THE IMPORTANCE OF THE DIARY 31
I used the slivers you had given me by way of samples
carded by Ratilal. They were good and easy to spin. For
spinning yarn of fine counts the slivers used are big in size
and held by the hand in a leaf or a piece of paper. May
Ratilal’s venture succeed fully!
Manudi is happy here and I am satisfied with her.
I learnt from her that you recite the Ramayana as sweedy
as Parmanand Gandhi used to. I was sorry that I knew
it too late, otherwise I would surely have detained you and
heard your recitation of the Ramayana. The musical notes
of Parmanand’s voice still ring in my ears. How could you
have seen him! Kalidas had inherited the timbre of that
voice only to a certain extent.
Regarding our meeting in future, all I can say is that
God will arrange the meeting when he wills. Don’t fail to
keep in mind my instruction.
With Blessings*
Bapu

“ God may arrange the meeting ” — and in

reality that meeting never did take place! When
Bapuji agreed to my stay with him, he had warned
me, “You know this is a holy sacrifice; and our old
Puranic* sacrifices demand perfect purity on the part
of the performers. Satanic urges in man such as lust*
anger, infatuation etc. have to be totally overcome.
In a like manner, if the wish to see your father or
sisters possesses you, say after 2 months, then you will
have failed in my test. ”
But by God’s grace, Bapuji felt, after the passage
of some time, that I had passed his test. He himself*
therefore, asked Papa in 1947 to come to see him when

*Puranas contain mythological stories written for the masses

for their spiritual uplift.
32 THE LONELY PILGRIM

we were about to start for Karachi via Wardha.

Unfortunately, however, Papa could come only when
the remains of Bapuji were being carried away finally
from Birla House in Delhi! In the happy anticipa¬
tion of meeting Bapuji at long last, he had left Mahuva
for Delhi; but alas! God willed it otherwise, and he
could not see Bapuji after all. Inscrutable, indeed,
are the ways of the Lord!

THREE INVALUABLE LESSONS

Shrirampur,
24-12-546, Tuesday

At 3 a. m. I was@ roused from sleep by Bapuji.

Letters to . . . were dictated. After about three such
letters it was time for prayers, and dictation had to
stop. Then the daily routine of brushing the teeth,
prayers, etc. was gone through. After a glass of honey
in warm water, he wrote up his diary. Then at 6.30
a. m. he had a glass of pineapple juice, which was
a local product. Pyarelalji came from his village while
Suchetabahen Kripalani arrived earlier. Bapuji talked
to them during his morning walk. They left for their
villages when it was time for Bapuji’s massage.
Owing to the pressure of work in the morning,
Bapu was very late for his bath. It was 12-30 p. m.
when he returned from it and 1. p. m. when he had
his mid-day meal. Some letters to Calcutta had to be
handed personally to a carrier who was to proceed
with them immediately. These letters kept him busy,
 THREE INVALUABLE LESSONS 33

and made him late for his bath. For lunch he had
one khakhara and some kitu* which Pyarelalji had
left with us. This kitu is a good substitute for butter
or ghee. So, he cut down his quantity of milk to 6 oz.,
and did not have any butter. He partook sparingly
of the boiled vegetable that was served.
While eating he talked to Col. Jivansinhaji. It
was 2 p. m. before I was able to go to Bapuji to rub
ghee on his legs. Even then I was not able to have my
morning meal. Bapuji felt unhappy about this delay
regarding my food. He asked me to bring from tomorrow
my dish also along with his and take my food in his
company. Meals late in the afternoon are customary
here. A substantial breakfast in the morning, then
lunch at 3 to 3.30 p. m., tea or some light food in the
evening and dinner late at night — this is the usual
routine here.
But Bapuji said, “ If the local custom does not
suit us, we can certainly give it up. To get up very
early in the morning and have our dinner late at 10
or 10-30 p. m. at night is as bad for us as taking doses
of poison.”
He would not let me massage his legs with ghee
for more than 5 minutes, but asked me to take my
meal immediately and to have only a fruit-diet in
the evening.
After his siesta from 2-30 to 3 p. m. he took cocoa-
nut water and then dictated some letters. At 3-30
p. m. his spinning began. At 4-30 he had mud packs
on his head and stomach. He seems to be a little tired;
he dozed off twice while listening to my diary, lying
full length to keep the mud packs in position. He
asked me to make my diary briefer than usual.
*Lump of condensed cocoanut oil.

L-3
 34 THE LONELY PILGRIM

At 4-45 p. m. Suchetabahen and others came in.

He was closeted with them for private talks.
His evening meal consisted of 8 oz. of milk, one
plantain and one grapefruit only. At 10 p. m. he lay
down to sleep.
I kept awake till 11p.m. to copy Bapuji’s diary
of yesterday. The weather was very cold with heavy
rains today.
(Bapu, Shrirampur,
25-12-’4S)

Shrirampur,
25-12-’46, Wednesday
Bapuji had sound sleep last night also. He got
up at 3.30 a.m., half an hour before the prayer time.
After brushing his teeth, there was a gap of 5 minutes
before prayers; he used it to sign my diary and write
the Bengali alphabet.
After prayers, he snatched a nap of about 10
minutes before taking his fruit juice and signing yester¬
day s letters. He asked me to pick up Bengali quickly.
When he was starting for his morning walk,
Lavanyaprabhabahen and Mr. England arrived.
With them were Mr. Glen and Mr. Anthony who
had brought from Dacca a Christmas present for
Bapuji. It was an assortment of various useful articles
such as a cake of soap, a handkerchief, a razor, a pair
of scissors, a handbag, etc. Just to please them Bapuji
promised to use their razor* today.
For the last few days Bapuji has been practising
on the art of crossing a bridge nearby. It is a short

*It was a pleasant surprise for them to know afterwards

that Bapuji had used only their razor throughout the pilgrimage.
 THREE INVALUABLE LESSONS 35

one, but for persons unaccustomed to it it is rather

hard to cross. In our journey onward, we shall have
to cross long bridges similar to this one. To enable
him to cross them he is practising with this one. When -
I was rubbing ghee on his legs, Bapuji was engaged in
listening to some complicated correspondence in
English. After it was over I remarked, “ Bapuji, if
you had allowed me to go to a college to study up to
the B. A. or M. A. degree, I could have easily helped
you even with your correspondence in English. But
on no account would you let me study further.”
“Then what have you to say when I tell you, I
want to teach you both knowledge andjwisdom, and
not mere book-learning?” argued Bapu in reply.
“ Could Mahadevkaka have been your secretary,”
I rejoined, “ if he had not been so learned? And all
those who have risen to greatness have been degree-
holders. Could they have been so great without having
a degree?”
Bapuji burst into a laugh. “ It is great to be good,
not good to be great,” he said. “Rather use the word
upadhi* for the word, ‘degree’; for a ‘degree’ is nothing
but upadhi. I have never ceased to repent my blunder
in becoming a barrister. That is why I am glad I have
not thrown ... in the fire of upadhi, though I know,,
they are by no means happy over it. The fact of my
being a barrister has gone so entirely out of my mind,,
that I am never conscious of it now. So from my experi¬
ence I thought, ‘Let me‘save others at least from it.’
I grant that one must be perfect in one’s knowledge
of a language, but what-goes against my grain is this

play upon the Sanskrit word upadhi wmen means both

‘degree5 and ‘worry5.
 I

36 THE LONELY PILGRIM

senseless cramming, so indispensable for getting a

university degree. What stupendous work lies in our
villages waiting to be done by our young men! The
whole face of the country would change and glow with
health, if our students spent only that time in construc¬
tive work which they waste on reading and cramming.
It would indeed be a different thing altogether if what
impelled them was a thirst for knowledge and not a
craving for degrees as at present. Our motto should
be, ‘ Study for knowledge and knowledge for further
study ’. But the present student thinks of nothing but
an examination and then more reading for a higher
examination. And then? That knowledge is used merely
for earning money. Some become doctors, some lawyers
or barristers and some others engineers. All of them
then engage in a wild hunt for jobs.
“ So it all comes to a mountain in labour bringing
forth a mouse. The only purpose behind all our educa¬
tion is to reach to the highest possible rung of the lad¬
der of service. There must be exceptions to this rule
of course. I don’t mean to say that literally every one
in our huge population of 400 millions has only
this object in view. But there is no doubt that this is
the guiding principle universally acknowledged by
our students. Then again, it is a delusion to think
that one can render service only if one is endow¬
ed with a particular minimum of education. What¬
ever the circumstances in which a man is placed, he
can render service if he so wills. God has granted such
a variety of powers to man, that none can be with¬
out any and so none can excuse himself from serving
others. Were it not so, human nature is so diabolical
that it would never be in want of excuses if the desire
for service were wanting. Look around and you will
 THREE INVALUABLE LESSONS 37

find that if some have money to offer for service, some

others have a strong physique. If one man can use his
intelligence, another can employ his tongue, his hands
and feet, in fact all his senses in the service of others.
These instances, I gave you, are just a few from the many
many ways in which one can be of help to others. So,
all we should do to get the fullest marks is to dedicate
all we have, to God. He^who has the capacity to give
a million but gives only half a million will get 50%,
while the one who can afford to give only a penny will
secure 100% if he gives that little penny, willingly.

“What is essential is honest, untainted action. That

is definitely not service which is given out of self-inte¬
rest or fear. There is absolutely no room for selfishness
where it is a question of dedication to God. Whoever
serves in this true spirit of service enhances his power
every day. Even his occupational activity will be
imbued with the spirit of service. Whoever is thus
saturated with love for true service, expresses it through
his whole being and through all his activities, however
trivial they be, such as laughing, eating, speaking etc.
All his actions will be full of purity and perfection.
Such selfless devotees are endowed by God with all the
powers they require. With that very object, God
proclaims in the Bhagavadgita:

“ Those single-hearted souls

Who always think of Me

And nothing else but Me

Are saved by Me already.

Their burden I bear myself

And lift them on to Me. (IX-22)

 38 THE LONELY PILGRIM

They think of none but Me;

Their hearts, their lives
In Me are fixed; to Me
Their talks pertain. In Me
Their love and all their glee;
Their souls are glued to Me.
To them I give the Light
Oi Truth and Wisdom deep,
Whereby they come to Me
As comes to a flower the bee. (X-9,10)

ce I want you to reflect deeply over these verses.

The last of them is specially pregnant with deep meaning
and is the weightiest. What is wanted here (for
attaining this state) is deep faith. Now how can you
use your learned degrees in doing God’s work this
way ? This is what I want to impress upon your mind.
And where would you, too, have been in this most
serious matter in human life, if you had continued your
studies and were attending some college at present?
If I had my way I would hurl ail collegians, boys and
girls, in the midst of these communal frays an/d stop
them thereby. In all earnestness I assert that if our
students can shake off this blind infatuation for degrees
you will find that India which is but a speck on the
map of the world will soon grow to the size of an ocean.
That wise and significant saying, c Cut your coat
according to the cloth ’, applies not only to a small
family, but also to countries of a colossal size. Our
modes of living as well as our activities must fit in with
the country we belong to. But in aping the English¬
man we invite disaster. Don’t you know the fable of
the swan who refused to imitate the gait of the crow
and so saved himself from death, and won? These
fables are not stories merely for a few minutes’ pastime.
 THREE INVALUABLE LESSONS 59

Every one of them is charged with wisdom. I admit,

many evil customs do prevail in India. And still, it is
certain that the country can rise to a glory yet
undreamt, if only she kept to her natural gait in her
onward march.
“I affirm it so confidently, because the civilization
of India is in its grandeur unique and incomparable.
As I go on explaining the Bhagavadgita, newer and
more pregnant meanings of the verses will reveal
themselves to me. But this is quite enough for the day;
more than enough, if you can assimilate into your
inner self all I have said today. Write it down for
future use. But, mind you, 4 writing down 5 does not
mean scribbling, without a conscious purpose behind.
It is to be written down as a means to your absorption
of the wisdom of the Gita. Today’s entire lesson is
based on the Gita.”
From a trivial remark dropped by me in a light¬
hearted mood, I had the good fortune to be treated
for a full 25 minutes to a thrilling, soul-uplifting disco¬
urse and was taught a lesson to be treasured for life.
And then, as the time was up, he got up from his bed.

I felt grieved at the thought that Bapuji was

deprived of his sleep on my account. Before I could
express my feeling, however, Bapuji himself said, “You
need not be sorry that I had no sleep today. The
way in which God sustains me is itself a wonder. You
know I got up very early and I had not a wink of sleep
during the massage; I was engaged in a talk with
Satishbabu who had come specially to discuss the
details of my route of the pilgrimage. And now from
your casual remark I poured forth what was stored in
my heart for you. But now, instead of getting tired,
 40 THE LONELY PILGRIM

I feel refreshed! So don’t worry, and bring me a glass

of cocoanut-water. If God wills, I can still have a nap
during the period when the mud packs are on me.”
At about 4 p. m., an excellent public worker
brought, on Bapuji’s instructions, my Punjabi suit
made by a tailor. He refused to accept the tailoring
charge, because he was devoutly attached to Bapuji
and I was introduced to him by Bapuji as a member
of his family and as his grand-daughter.
But Bapuji’s view of the matter was quite different.
“ How ever can you find the money to pay the tailor’s
bill?” he put in rather strongly. “ What you possess
is public property and you have no right to waste a
pie of it on any private matter — be it for my needs.
Besides, the girl’s father can afford that expense . . .
The public worker must know how and where to use
public money in the right manner. Your offer today
was of course in the case of Manu, but what guarantee
is there that you may not similarly waste public money
on your own relatives? Not that I doubt you. Not
at all, for I know you quite well. I know it was love
that prompted your offer, but be on your guard from
what I have said.”

This was my second lesson and my third, very

useful, lesson was given at night in the same way, inci¬
dentally.

I had a piece of warm woollen pashmina* shawl

which Bapuji used to tie on his head as a preventive
against cold. But it was very old and torn. So I gave
him a new woollen piece, when we returned from

*A product of Kashmir, noted for its softness, warmth and

thinness.
 THREE INVALUABLE LESSONS 41

the prayers. But Bapuji would have none of it. “Nei¬

ther you nor I earn a pie,” he objected. “And unlike
you I have no father to earn money for my expenses.
You see, I am but a poor man. How can I afford to
throw away the shawl in that cavalier fashion? Give
it to me. I shall patch it up myself.” So he kept awake
till 11.30 p.m. doing this job of mending.
It was certainly very neatly patched. Only a
tailor or a skilful housewife could have done the work
so well. The stitches formed quite a straight line.
His was a great and revered name. A word from
him and hundreds of new pashmina pieces would have
piled up at his feet. But he chose to use that patched-
up piece all through the pilgrimage.
The man who knitted India ‘into a nation, the
man who patched up quarrels and joined sundered
hearts was equally at home at patching a piece of
cloth. “Won’t you agree,” he asked me in a jovial
mood, “that I am a skilful tailor?”
I had certainly offered to patch him the piece,
but he would not let me, and had said, “Oh! just
wait and watch how I do it. You shall be my examiner
in this art.”*
Thus in one day I was taught three lessons — all
so valuable that I cannot say which one was the best.

^Fortunately, that needle and that reel of thread as well

as the patched piece are still with me, preserved as a precious
memento and as an object-lesson which, among many others,
he taught me.
 VI
PANDITJTS VISIT
Shrirampur,
26-12-’46
Bapuji woke up at 3 a. m. Dictated letters to. . . .
It was very cold then. Bapuji continued to lie down
and dozed off to sleep twice or thrice during the dicta¬
tion. These gaps I utilized in copying for myself Bapu¬
ji's diary. I have yet to copy his diary of the last two
days. Bapuji, indeed, asked me not to undergo that
^unnecessary trouble’ as he called it. But I said,
" You often refer to me in your diary. Those references
I can have with me all through my life, only if I copy
them in my notebook.”
. . . was not present in the prayers today.
. . . did not return from Kazirkhil last night. Bapuji
was therefore very cross. He talked with . . . about . . .
after the prayers, and revised yesterday’s prayer speech.
I gave him his warm water and wrote my diary. After
spinning for half an hour, he went out for his morning
walk. He was absorbed in thought throughout the
walk. Talked with . . . only. The practice of crossing
the bridge continues as usual. When I was washing
his feet, he asked . . . the reason for being absent from
the prayers, and talked with ... for a long time. Regard¬
ing . . . who had not taken Bapuji’s permission before
going, Bapuji said to . . ., “I have no claim over him.
He treats me as his father, so I thought it my duty to
tell him so much. If he gives me up, I shall feel very
happy. This girl (meaning me) also can leave me, if
she likes. But for me, I have bound myself by a promise
to her that I for one am not going to give her up, as
42
 PANDITJl’s VISIT 43

long as I am alive though she is free to leave me.

You, too, can leave me. Only then shall I be tested.
Could it not be that God creates such unforeseen inci¬
dents just because He wants to test me? He (‘the son )
thinks that I have committed a blunder, in staying
in. . . . But I entirely disagree. It is, however in such
circumstances, that I am sorely tried.” Bapuji thus
unburdened his heavy heart when he said all this to
... in a very earnest tone.
As I loitered to hear this talk, I was late for my
bath, and that upset the whole programme of the day.
So when I began to rub ghee on Bapuji’s legs he re¬
buked me for this lapse. “I don’t like this,” he said,
'‘However interesting a talk, you should not let it spoil
the daily routine. It is true, however, that my talk
with . . . was certainly one that you, too, could profit
by. So I would like to excuse you from rubbing ghee
on my legs. But that you would not like. So now you
have to put forth all your tact and skill in hastening
your pace of work so as to catch up with the lost time.
But that doesn’t mean, mind you, that you can run
back to me by swallowing hasty morsels of food.”
News came by wire that Pandit Jawaharlalji is
coming here tomorrow, the 27th instant. Bapuji
talked with Nirmalbabu regarding arrangements
for his stay and asked me to take his commode to
Jawaharlalji’s room. His meals were to be provided
for by Col. Jivansinhaji’s men of the I.N.A.
In the afternoon Bapuji listened to my yesterday’s
diary as well as today’s though it was incomplete. He
glanced over it but has not signed it yet.
He gave up the evening meal altogether today
but took only warm water and honey after the prayers.
Then he spun for half an hour.
44 THE LONELY PILGRIM

A napkin which Bapuji used was torn to shreds.

Remembering the incident of the pashmina shawl,
I tried my best to think of a way of mending it and
then returning it to him all nicely mended. But with
my best efforts I found it impossible to do so. So I
had to put a new napkin in Bapuji’s hands. Immedia¬
tely he protested, “The old napkin can still be used.”
I was sure that however much Bapuji may try, no patch
could be of any use; stitching too was impossible and
that even darning the torn parts was equally so. I,
therefore, hastened to speak out in a decisive tone, “I
have exerted my brain fairly long over it and found
that nothing can be done with it. There’s no go but
to scrap it. What will you do with it now?”
Bapuji laughed aloud. Lovingly he pulled my
ear and said, “And suppose I repair it so well that it
can last me two months more?”
“Impossible”, I asserted. “You never can.” I defied
him to do so.
Bapuji took up the challenge. First he doubled
it as it was, then sewed it with stitches like those on
thin cotton quilts, and then darned the holes. And
really the napkin was repaired well enough to last
at least two months more.
But with a child’s insistence, I took it away form
him, declaring, “It shall remain with me as a model.”
That napkin is so beautiful that, looking from above,
designs like those we find on quilts can be seen on it,
and there is no doubt that it is now much more durable.
I had thus a new lesson, altogether different from
the one from the pashmina shawl, of Bapuji’s ingenious
skill as a craftsman and his fine sense of art and thrift.
A lady doctor from Bombay offered to stay here
for voluntary service in the Noakhali district. Bapuji
 PANDITJl’s VISIT 45

told her, “You are quite welcome here. Only first

get Suhrawardy Saheb’s permission.”
At 9.30 p.m. Bapuji listened to the whole of my
diary, signed it and then went to bed.
[Bapu]

Shrirampur,
27-12-’46
Bapuji woke up at 2 a.m. and awakened me. A
suit in the Punjabi style, of sulwar and kurta, was
made from chintz. Bapuji asked me, “Did you
specify to . . .the quality of cloth — chintz or any
such — which you would like to have?”
“No,” I replied. “That cloth has not been brou¬
ght by. ... It is Birlaji’s men who brought it, as
asked by you.”
“I see,” said Bapuji. “Then how can it be less
than Ax in quality? Now that it has come, it’s wel¬
come. But you will wear it out in daily use. If you
feel that you look beautiful in such quality clothes,
drive out that feeling. I will tell you why, by an
instance. Man seasons his food into sweet, sour, or
pungent, just to make it more tasteful to the palate.
But if he cherishes the idea that his body is a holy
temple for God to live in, that it can have only one
use — that of service — and that he should therefore
take only healthy and nourishing diet to maintain it
for such service, then his life becomes a poem of exqui¬
site spiritual beauty. In the same way, clothes are
for covering the body and for its protection from heat
and cold, not for showing oneself off in the latest
fashion. There is such a craze for fashion these days!
The modern girl struts about in a superfine (almost
transparent) sari and a sleeveless blouse which, too, is
 46 THE LONELY PILGRIM

equally fine, and very tight in addition. I am fed

up with these many nasty sights I see nowadays. ‘Will
our women, the custodians of our culture, give up their
valuable possession of modesty?’ is the painful ques¬
tion that churns my soul.
“Tight clothes retard free breathing and weaken
the lungs. That makes our women fall a prey to
tuberculosis. Among the many causes of women,
more than men, falling victims to that fell disease is
this one of succumbing to a harmful fashion.
“The same is the case with the hair. I have al¬
ready told you of the need for simplicity in hair styles
also. I again repeat that the greater the simplicity
in doing the hair, the more beautiful its appearance.
The hair protects the head also. Every one of God’s
gifts has a purpose behind it — that of its proper use.
There is nothing in the world that is useless.
“There is one other thing I wish to mention. You
are not to waste your time in idle chatter with . . .
or any one else. You and . . . are now grown-ups..
I shall give you an example from my own life. Be
warned. In my adolescence I fell in with bad com¬
pany, which made me take flesh and steal a golden
bracelet. Two individuals can benefit by each other’s
company only if they have equal powers of discrimi¬
nation and are both determined to emulate each other’s
virtues and eschew each other’s vices. Generally, how¬
ever, they pick up each other’s faults, and bring about
the fall of both. So you shouldn’t talk to any one
more than necessary for the purpose at hand. Virtue
can surely drive out vice, but can vice ever drive out
vice? ... is very clever, but sometimes a single
weakness of such a baneful type gets into a man as
coveis up all his virtues. It seems to me that perhaps.
 PANDITJl’s VISIT 4?

God endows a man with a hundred virtues but also with

a single vice of that type in order to test him and then
see how he fares under the test. If a man thoroughly
understands the nature- of his particular vice, and
fully realizes how much it harms him, then he is saved.
That man ceases to be an erring human being. He,
for one, is absorbed in the Power Infinite. True
grandeur and majesty lie in such manhood.”
It was in the darkness of the night between 2.30
and 3.30 a.m. that Bapuji explained to me this philo¬
sophy of right living. As there was still some time to
go before prayers, he signed my diary of the last two
days. He remarked, £<I didn’t know you could write
such long detailed diaries, but I like them. You must
make it a point to get your diary read and signed
by me. You won’t appreciate today the value of my
signature in your diary. But it will bear a sure testi¬
mony to the fact that I pour forth my whole heart in
whatever I tell you. Besides, as you are still of minor
age, it is necessary that your diary notes should be
signed by me to make them authentic. So take care
that my signatures don’t get into arrears. What a
short time it takes to read and sign them! See! I am
training you like a mother her beloved daughter.”
As Jawaharlalji was expected here, a trench
latrine* was made for him. Bapuji suggested some
improvements from the ordinary type. This work
took up the whole morning.
The routine programme was followed for the rest
of the day. He had his usual food for the morning
meal. In the evening, he had a khakhara and milk.

*An improvised latrine with mats as walls, two long

wooden planks to sit upon and a trench for the excreta.
48 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Bapuji said he had some appetite today. As he was

closeted for nearly the whole day in a talk with . . .
and as it was private, I had something like off-time.
So I finished all my writing work.
. . . had called for antiphlogistine, but Bapuji
had some black earth powdered and sieved through
a very fine piece of cloth and sent it to . . . with
instructions to apply it, in paste form by first wetting
the earth with a little water to make it damp and soft,
and then heating the lump before application.
Bapuji at least believes that such a paste of heated
earth is more efficacious than even antiphlogistine.
[Bapu]

Bapuji wrote in his diary:

Got up at 2 a.m.; at 2.15 woke up Manudi. Made
her understand the temperament of. . . . Talked to her
about the need for simplicity in clothes and in hair styles,
and asked her not to waste time in chats with ... or any
one else. Showed her how one’s company affects one’s
character very often. Explained to her the importance of
my signature. She understood it quite well. Talked with
.. . . after the prayers for a fairly long time. Did my Bengali
lesson. It was 5.45 p. m. by then. ... is ill. Wrote to
her that no doctor or Ayurvedic physician need be called
from outside. She should rely for her cure on God of the
five Elements* and use them (or any of them) in the way
she likes best.

Thakkarbapa has arrived. Jawaharlalji and

others were to come, but they have not arrived as yet,
*Elements or rather the fundamentals are earth, water, fire,
air and ether. Matter is composed of these fundamentals without
which its composition is impossible, according to ancient Hindu
thought. Gandhiji suggests nature cure treatment.
 PANDITJl’s VISIT 49

though it is 9.30 p.m. Some talk with Thakkarbapa.

Spun 70 rounds. Preparation for sleep 9.30 p.m.
Shrirampur,
28-12-’46
Bapuji woke up at 2.30 a.m. Asked me to go to
sleep again after providing him with a lantern. Wrote
all his letters in his own hand. I was awakened at
prayer time. Prayers were followed by the daily
routine. Jawaharlalji and Mridulabahen came at
7.30 a.m., when Bapuji was about to go out for a walk.
They accompanied him. Panditji was much amused
at the sight of aged Bapuji training himself to cross
the bridge. As for Panditji, he crossed it in two
bounds. On our return, Bapuji asked me to see that
Jawaharlalji was comfortably provided for. Under
Bapuji’s express instructions, I had taken his commode
to Jawaharlalji’s room. But as soon as Panditji saw
it, he got angry with me. “Have you not sense enough
to know what great inconvenience Bapu will be put
to ? How can I ever use his commode ? I am certain¬
ly not so delicate as all that!” “But I brought it on
Bapu’s instructions,” I put in in self-defence.
That made him the more enraged. “You ought
to have the guts to stand Bapu’s displeasure. It is
you who are responsible for his health and comforts.
Isn’t it your duty then to see what he needs, when,
and how much? Bapu is a man who would gladly
go through any hardship himself to provide comforts
to others! Such is he. But, I repeat, I am a man
in the prime of youth. I can go anywhere to ease
myself, but you must never give away to others, like
this, the things that Bapu needs, even if he kills you
for disobedience. However, don’t be afraid; Bapu
will never kill or beat you.”
L-4
50 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Before finishing these last words, all his anger

had evaporated and his face was beaming with good
humour. Just as an elder of the family cheers up a
child immediately after rebuking it for some fault,
paternal love surged up in his heart and he rushed to
fold me in his arms in a close embrace. It was an
altogether different Jawaharlal who then said, “Go
and tell Bapu, Jawaharlal forbids it.” And then
rained a series of questions from him inquiring after
Bapu’s health, his diet etc.

Who can be unaware of Panditji’s deep devotion

to Bapuji? But I felt a sense of hallowed bliss at this
fresh manifestation of it before my own eyes. During
the flow of this sage advice words came out of his
surging Keart, now loudly and in a gush of good spiri ts,
now very slowly but from the depth of his heart and
then genially and in very good humour. These vary¬
ing tones and words remained in my memory long
after their sound was still.
As Bapuji was deeply engrossed in writing some¬
thing, I snatched the opportunity of this free time in
writing down Jawaharlalji’s words there and then.
All of Bapuji’s personal needs like massage, bath, etc.,
have yet to be attended to. It is likely to be very
late today. As I was massaging Bapuji, I told him
how emphatic Jawaharlalji was in his refusal to use
the commode.
That is Jawahar all over. He will never use it
now. Bring it back to me,” was all that Bapuji com¬
mented.
Thakkarbapa, too, has dragged himself here,
quite a distance! “The labour he puts forth at this
age is so Herculean that the most robust young man
 PANDITJl’s VISIT 51

has to feel ashamed before him.” This is Bapuji’s

language in appreciation of Thakkarbapa.
During meal time, Bapuji talked chiefly with
Jawaharlalji. He gave Panditji one khakhara, a lump
of condensed cocoanut oil, as also the liquid oil which
Pyarelalji had specially sent for the occasion. As he
did so, Bapuji observed, “For dwellers in regions
where cocoanuts grow, there is no necessity whatever
to use cereals. Cocoanut water itself is as good as
food. Cocoanut milk is still more substantial. Oil
can be pressed out from a cocoanut very easily, and is
far more nourishing than the adulterated ghee we
get nowadays. Even its waste, left after extracting
oil, can be used in making sweetmeat called sandesh
in Bengali. Bapuji gave that, too, to Jawaharalalji
to taste as a sample. There are extensive tracts in
India today where cocoanut and palm industries can
be developed, and a sizable quantity of cereals can thus
be saved. Nature has lavished her gifts on Bengal
very extravagantly and yet the condition of the masses
there is miserable. I don’t see any other cause for this
contradiction except the fact that the people are
sunk in lethargy. Nature has given us in profuse
abundance, but it is our idleness which eats into our
vitals like cancer.”
After this table-talk, both of them were engaged
in a serious private conference for an hour and a half.
Even the lapse of time has not erased the memory
of that notable occasion. The meeting between
Bapu and Panditji was like that of a wise son who
meets his father after a long separation and candidly
relates to him all the events that had happened in his
absence and feels relieved on getting the father’s
guidance for future moves. Both these great men
52 THE LONELY PILGRIM

were sitting on an ordinary bed, in a simple mud hut,

but they were discussing momentous questions relating
to the country’s past, present and future. All that had
happened since Bapuji left Delhi for here, the events
now taking place in the country and those that are
likely to happen in the future, as well as the correct¬
ness or otherwise of the ways in which those problems
were or are being tackled formed the topics of that
grave deliberation. It was a unique conference. Had
I been an artist, I would have portrayed Jawaharlalji
sitting for consultation by Bapuji’s side and taking his
advice for a future course of action rather than penned
these lines as best I could.
Bapuji spent the whole time from 11 a.m. to 3.30
p.m. in a series of talks with Panditji, Saakarravji,
Kripalaniji and other guests one after another.
In order not to let the time of his guests be wasted,
Bapuji began his silence in the afternoon at 3.30 p.m.
(instead of 7 p.m. as usual). He will thereby begin
talks with them at 3.30 p.m. tomorrow. The evening
prayer was attended by all the guests and Jawahar¬
lalji and Kripalaniji delivered lectures at the
prayer meeting.
Bapuji felt very tired in the evening, so he took
only 6 oz. of milk and some fruit. Dr. Ramamanohar
Lohia came at 9 p.m.
Bapuji went to bed at 9.30 p.m.

Shrirampur,
29-12-’46
Bapuji got up at 3.45 a.m. By the time he finished
writing something to give to Panditji, it was prayer
time. After the daily routine of prayers, etc., Bapuji
 PANDITJl’s VISIT 53

revised the draft of his prayer-speech delivered the

day before yesterday.

At 7.30 a.m. he went for his morning stroll. All

the guests joined him. Being Bapuji’s day of silence
nothing in particular was talked of. But after his
massage and bath, he spent 2 hours from 11 a.m.
to 1 p.m. in consultations with Jawaharlalji. He
heard what Jawaharlalji had to say and put his
questions in writing when he required explanations
since he was still observing silence. Bapuji relaxed
from 2 to 2.30 p.m. As I had to leave Bapuji to
serve meals to the guests, he asked me to rub ghee
while he was having mud packs on his head and
stomach. Immediately after his rest he sent for Pandit
Jawaharlalji again in order to resume their talk.
This lasted from 2.30 to 4 p.m. After prayers also
he talked to Jawaharlalji, Shankarravji, Kripalaniji
and Mrudulabahen. Today too his repast in the
evening was light. Bapuji feels deeply grieved over
the riots in Bihar.

Revered Thakkarbapa has no fever today. As

Bapuji had no time to spin, he is doing so now at
9 p.m. and is listening' to newspaper reports at the
same time; sitting near them I am writing up my
diary. After finishing spinning he did some writing and
went to bed.

Shrirampur,
30-12-’46

Bapuji has been awake since 2.30 a.m., writing

something for Panditji’s use. I am doing my own
writing work.
 54 THE LONELY PILGRIM

As Bapuji is hard-pressed for time since he has

much work, he has no time nowadays to look into
my diary.
Bapuji is living in the midst of a stormy atmo¬
sphere. He resembles the wise seaman of old who
kept his gaze fixed at the Pole Star, and, guided by it,
steered his boat along the right course, though the boat
tended to go off course by the force of the wind and
the waves. The guiding star of Bapuji’s life-boat is
Truth and chanting God’s name.
Panditji and the other guests left today at 7-30
a.m. On our return from the morning walk it was
found that Kripalaniji had forgotten to take his box
with him. So it was sent to Pheni. Bapuji now feels
the accumulated fatigue of the past 3 days. He has
been getting up very early in the morning at 2 or
2.30 a.m. and immediately commencing his work.
This type of schedule is too much now for Bapuji,
as he is old and frail.
While spinning in the evening he asked me to
read out my diary for the last 3 days, as well as
some letters. “I am sorry that your diary is not read
to me daily,” he remarked.
“But had you any time for it?” I countered.
Bapuji replied, “I am satisfied that you showed
it to Pyarelalji. He too can guide you well.”
Nothing else in particular happened today.
[Bapu. Excellently written. 31-12-’46]
N.B. This one signature is for the entries of the
28th, 29th and 30th; he signed my diary early in the
morning of 31-12-’46.
 VII

PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE

Shrirampur,
31-12-’46, Tuesday
Bapuji woke up today just a little before morning
prayers were held. As there were about 15 minutes to
go, he looked into my diary and signed it. He remarked,
"‘You write at length, but all the same it is good.”
“If I write briefly,” I argued, “how can Papa
to whom I will send the diary on completion,
understand the exact situation here?”
Bapuji laughed at my objection. “Certainly, he
can,” asserted Bapu “if only you know how to sum¬
marize.”
Bapuji wrote his letters himself today, and then
attended prayers, after which he had a glass of warm
water. At 7 a. m. Pyarelalji came up from his
village. Bapuji talked to him for a while and then
went out for his morning stroll.
While messaging him at 9.30 a.m, I asked,
“Bapuji, how will you do your work, surrounded as
you are by liars, and with men like Suhrawardy at
the helm of affairs?”
Far from getting an answer to my question, I re¬
ceived a rebuke and a lesson I shall remember for life.
“What impudence to call him ‘Suhrawardy’!
You should address him as ‘Suhrawardy Saheb’.
Whatever he is, he holds a high position that commands
respect. Besides, in age, he is much older than you.
This dirty habit has developed into a national vice.
We are certain to remain backward as long as we
55
 56 THE LONELY PILGRIM

lack in courtesy. In the West, even a servant is not

asked to bring anything without a ‘please’ at the begin¬
ning of the request; and there is sure to be a ‘thank
you’ at the end. This is by way ofr'an example. What
I mean to say is that a common defect in our country¬
men is bad manners. One should never fail to be
courteous in talking to others. Many such bad habits
have become so universal amongst us that hardly
anybody feels any concern over them. I call discour¬
tesy in speech a subtle form of violence, hence I con¬
sider even a trifling error as a serious blunder. But
this defect of ours can on no account be dismissed as
trifling. We ought to use nothing but respectful
language for our elders or superiors. Our country,
now considered backward, will rise in the world’s
esteem when courteous language becomes a national
habit. Such habits ought to be cultivated from
childhood onwards.”
I doubt if the best of our schools could ever have
taught me a lesson of this type.
Bapuji made some changes in his diet. He gave
up taking khakharas in the morning. Instead, 5 al¬
monds were crushed and mixed with the vegetable.
He also ate 5 cashewnuts. In the evening he had
some fruit and one oz. of gur.

Shrirampur,
2-1-’47, Thursday
I packed all the things which we would need
throughout the pilgrimage and put frequently required
articles and important papers in a separate large
shoulder-bag which I carried myself.
At 7.30 a.m. sharp Bapuji left Rampur. With
that big shoulder-bag filled with Bapuji’s necessities,
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 57

I came here (Ghandipur) by a shorter route and

arrived within 30 minutes, that is, at 8 a.m. Imme¬
diately upon my arrival, I made preparations for
Bapuji’s massage, set the cooker to boil and cleaned
utensils. Sushilabahen accompanied Bapuji. All
along Bapuji’s route, chanting God’s name and mass¬
singing of hymns continued. He reached here at
8.50 a.m. and was welcomed heartily by our hostess-
sisters with the ceremony of garlanding him and put¬
ting the auspicious vermilion mark on his forehead.
Abdulla Saheb, the D.S.P., came on a visit. Bapuji
told him, “I don’t like the presence of the military
here. It does not become me. The fact is, my pro¬
tection is looked after by God himself or Khuda—and
I have left myself to His care. If He so wishes, I
shall remain here. If not, He will take me away.”
After massage, bath, food and rest, Bapuji got up
at 12.50 rp.m.
Hecate ’ fresh puffed-rice, boiled vegetable, one
grapefruit and milk for lunch. At 1 p.m. he drank
some cocoanut water. Spun from 2 to 3 p.m. Then
he had his mud pack and talked to ... at the same
time. Evening prayers will begin at 4.30 p.m., so that
it may not become too late for the women to return
home. A large number of women attended prayers.
On his return, he had some vegetable, barley and milk.
Even though the barley was boiled with the vegetable,
Bapuji found it hard to chew.
He went for a walk to Sushilabahen’s village.
It is called Ghangergaon and is very near Chandipur.
Enclosed by a big gate is a cluster of rooms around a
small compound. Sushilabahen stays in one of these
rooms, and the rest are occupied by others. Bapuji
talked to Sushilabahen and the local folk. As ours
58 THE LONELY PILGRIM

was surprise visit Sushilabahen was very pleased

to see Bapuji. On our return, he made us march
double quick-and we reached our place in 50 minutes,
whereas it took us an hour and a quarter to get to
Sushilabahen.
I washed Bapuji’s feet, and then he listened to
my diary while eating a ramafal*. After that, he
did his Bengali lesson and stretched himself on the
bed as he was thoroughly exhausted. It was 9 p.m.
when Baba (Satishbabu) arrived.

Chandipur,
3-l-’47, Friday
Bapuji got up late today at 3.15 a.m. Ashe
was brushing his teeth, Bapuji, referring to some
incident, observed, “This is my psychological ana¬
lysis of the matter. If our action does not achieve
the success we expected of it, let us take it as
due to our own fault. We must dive deep into
the recesses of our minds to find out the cause
of our failure. So, in a quiet, unprejudiced frame
of mind, ask yourself the reason for the incident,
and our failure. This method will not fail to give
you the right answer. If you could develop the power
•of deep reflection and self-analysis, what a glorious
success my work (for you) would be! All this is cer¬
tainly difficult to do, but an honest effort on your part
makes it easier to achieve. When we realize our own
faults, we shall gain greater understanding, and will
refuse to take part in these holocausts of murder but
think only of the right action for the betterment of
others. But our brains, having nothing constructive
to do, are idle and ready for mischief. Hence we

*A name of a fruit
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 59

blame others for the wrongs we commit ourselves.

I don’t mean to say that all this is done consciously
or wilfully, but blaming others has become second
nature with us. Immediately our hand touches fire
accidently, we pull it away. It needs no conscious
thinking but is merely a reflex action of the limb.
Our plunging into these diabolical frays has become
almost an automatic habit. But what we should think
about is this: Why should a Hindu kill a Muslim and
vice versa? The responsibility for lighting this raging
fire lies with all of us. Every Indian ought to begin to
ask himself,'“What is the trend of my heart’s feelings?
Are they pure? Do I honestly feel that every Indian is
my brother? If there is one Hindu or Muslim who
mentally desires the murder of his brother of the
other faith, then, I say, such a debased Hindu or
Muslim is more anti-social and cruel than the one
who actually uses the knife to stab his fellowman.
His mind is like a dustbin which spreads invisible
particles of dirt and disease in the air.

“Suppose, for instance, there is foul air in a house

due to a man suffering from T.B. At first nobody
knows—not even the man himself—of the T.B. case
in the house. He spits here and there, wherever he
likes, and commits other nuisances. Flies and other
germs spread the disease. There may be a paucity of
disease-resisting germs in your body even though
your general health seems all right. Hence, you may
not know when exactly those disease-carriers, flies
and other germs, sat on your food and poisoned it.
You will nevertheless, certainly fall a prey to the
fell disease when the germs get into your system when
you are below par.
60 THE LONELY PILGRIM

“Similarly India is weak today. There is a great

dearth of disease-fighting germs, i.e. honest thinkers,
selfless men, those with the true spirit of service and
well-wishers who are averse to disharmony among us.
The result is that our evil desires in thought, word
or deed show up.
“The science of microbiology deals with germs so
minute as to be invisible to the naked eye. In my
opinion, the science of the mind deals with forces
which the untrained intellect cannot comprehend.
You know there is a proverb among us: Tf the mind
is holy, there is no need to go to a holy place.’ I
ask you to think in detail to find out why I did not use
what ... or you had made. I am not mentioning
this example to reproach you but only to show you
what concrete forms our thoughts take.”

Thus, as Bapuji brushed his teeth, he enlightened

me, on the great power of the mind in influencing
the thought and behaviour of a whole nation. By giv¬
ing the example of the invisible infection of a
disease he explained, in a convincing manner, how
the thoughts of each individual in our country are
responsible for the present tension between Hindus
and Muslims. Bapuji purposely makes mountains out
of the molehills of one’s own small errors which may
not, ordinarily, be considered as errors at all. He al¬
ways affirms, Tf a man wants to develop, in mental
and moral stature, he should be willing to admit
both trifling errors and serious blunders and cor¬
rect them, so that they are not repeated.’ And is this
not a fact?

Prayers were held as usual. As Pyarelalji was

present, he sang the hymns and recited the Gita.
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 61

After drinking some warm water, Bapuji talked

to him and also to Nirmalda (da=brother), and
wrote letters to the Ashram inmates. I, too, wrote
some letters and noted down Bapuji’s talks of the
morning.
At 7.30 a.m. he went to see the area inhabited
by the Namoshudras, a Harijan community. Ghastly
crimes have been perpetrated there (in the recent
communal riots). Devanathdas and Col. Jivansinhaji
of the I.N.A. had accompanied us. Returning home
I washed Bapuji’s feet. Bapuji then began to revise
his prayer-speech. Massage was therefore delayed
for a very long time. He talked to Pyarelalji during
the massage.
He took 8 oz. of milk, barley, sandesh and some
raw vegetable for his morning meal. I did not sit by
his side. Pyarelalji being with him, Bapuji asked me
to finish my bath and wash my clothes. It was al¬
ready past 12 o’clock. Bapuji had finished his meal
by the time I was ready for mine. I ate, washed the
utensils and then rubbed ghee on Bapuji’s legs. He
slept for half an hour. On waking, he scanned the
local map. At 2 p.m. Amiyababu (Secretary to
Gurudev Tagore) came up. Bapuji talked to him for
about an hour, in which time he eloquently expound¬
ed his views on communal disharmony in almost
the same strain as he had done to me in the morning.
Bapuji and I went to a ladies’ meeting at 3 p.m.
Before a very large audience Bapuji delivered an
inspiring speech on purity and removal of un-
touchability. “The country’s uplift is possible only
when ladies come forward and make the cause of
removal of untouchability their own”, he empha¬
sized. At 4 p.m., when he was having a mud pack
 62 THE LONELY PILGRIM

on his stomach, Mr. Walton and Shri Sinha came

from Bihar on a visit to elicit Bapuji’s views on the
Bihar riots. Their conversation lasted till nearlv 4

5 p.m. Bapuji insisted on the appointment of a Com¬

mission of Inquiry. Bihar, it seems, has outdone Noa-
khali in crimes. Besides . . . there seems to be an
internal rot as well.
Bapuji removed the mud pack at 4.30, as he was
to take his evening meal of milk, vegetable and fruit
a little earlier than usual. He had it at 4.45 p.m. An
ounce of barley was crushed and mixed with the
milk. He mixed everything else in it as well and drank
the mixture! The meal was over at 5.12 p.m. Then he
went off to attend the prayer-meeting.
As it was found that yesterday’s prayer-time
was a little too early, prayers were held somewhat
later today. From there he went straight to the
Ramakrishna Mission garden-home. On his return,
I washed his feet. While he listened to the newspapers,
I finished the day’s work, and doubled his yarn which
came to 100 double rounds.
I was so pressed with work all-through the day
that I could not read my mail, which had been deli¬
vered in the morning.
I was able to read it only at 10 p.m. after I had
finished pressing his legs and massaging him with
oil, when he lay down to sleep. And, now, as I
finish my diary it is striking 11 p.m. I am really very
happy here and have much to learn and know. If I
can cope with all my work as nicely as I did today,
there will be no hindrance to my continued stay with
Bapuji, I am sure.
He wakes me up very early in the morning. So,
before he went to bed today, I said to him jestingly,
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 63

“I will light a candle to the Lord if you do not get

up early tomorrow. So, let me see who wins, you or
I.”
Bapuji laughed. “Don’t imagine,” he parried
my remark, “that God is so gullible as to succumb
to your suggestion.”
[She has understood my views quite well. But,
I think her method of expression requires some
improvement. Bapu. 5-1-’47, Chandipur.]
In his own diary Bapuji had merely noted down
the names of his visitors and his own programme of
the day.
In his thought-gem series, he has commented as
follows on his visit to the Namoshudras:
Saw the ravages (of the riots) in the garden colony of
Namoshudras. 41 wonder how man could descend so low
as to make such havoc in the name of religion or for self-
interest !* was my thought.

. Chandipur,
4-l-’47, Saturday
Bapuji woke up at 2 a.m. Made me light a lantern
for him. I said, “Bapuji! My vow to the Lord (to
light a candle if Bapuji woke up late today) has gone
phut. But since you go to sleep late and rise as early
as 2 a.m. have you any objection to keeping the
light burning very low all the night? My hands get
stiff with cold when I light the lantern so very early.”
Bapuji laughed away my objection. “Don’t you
know our proverb,” he asked, “ ‘goats graze away the
cold of children’ ? (Children are so vivacious that they
do not mind the cold). What you say is all right, but
who is going to give us so much kerosene oil? Nei¬
ther you nor I earn a penny. You entertain such
64 THE LONELY PILGRIM

expensive ideas, as your father is an earning member

at Mahuva. But do you know that in making you get
up to light the lantern, I have two objects in view?
In the first place the effort involved in getting up and
lighting the lamp drives away your sleep, so that
you can write down what I dictate without dozing;
and then it saves that much oil!

“For me ‘it’s going along one path to have two

objects served’, as the saying goes. And ‘two’ here
does not mean literally ‘two’. It means twenty or a
hundred. Thousands of people have been ruined here.
That fact goads us to resolve not to waste a single
moment. We ought to have just as much sleep and
food as the body requires, and no more. We must
strictly limit all the other needs of the body in the
same way. As the hymn says:

Make the best of today

Who has seen the morrow?

“We don’t know what is to happen the very

next moment. I am telling you all this just now, but if
God chooses, He may whisk you or me off with the
talk unfinished. That is why this couplet must be
digested mentally. What then is that single golden
path, by taking which multiple objects are served?
That is nothing else than benevolent activity. Call
it service of the neighbour or devotion to God—it’s
the same; for mere chanting God’s name or wearing
the cross on the heart does not make for true devo¬
tion to God. To go out, with glaring religious marks
on the body, and stab people—as is done nowadays
—is sheer hypocrisy. Devotion is not easy to gain.
‘‘At the sacrifice of life itself can devotion be attained’
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 65

as our Narasinha Bhagat* says. Make it a point, there¬

fore, to serve with the mind if you can’t with the
body. We should mentally desire the welfare of the
whole world even as we go on doing the most ordinary
things of life such as eating, drinking, sitting, stand¬
ing, laughing, talking, playing etc., and also do
every little service to others that comes our way,
leaving the rest to God. If you assimilate so much
mental food you will have learnt a lot. What I dilated
upon just now from an ordinary chat is more than
enough for you.”
Then asking me to place the light near him, he
began to write letters in his own hand. As I had a
severe cold, I was asked to go to bed, which I did,
and was awakened at prayer time. Then followed
the daily routine of brushing the teeth, prayers etc.
As I had lost my voice, Pyarelalji sang the hymns
today too. He had walked from his village in the
dark, early enough to come up here in time for pra¬
yers. Amiyababu and his friends, too, attended. In
order to keep in touch with the serious problems that
have arisen from the Bihar riots, Pyarelalji arrives
here before it is dawn and returns to his village as
soon as his talks with Bapuji end.
We began our morning walk at 7.30 a.m. as
usual. As Bapuji had been requested to perform the
opening ceremony of a school at North Changergaon,
we took that route for our walk. Throughout the
walk, Bapuji talked to Amiyababu, giving him details
of the present communal situation.
It took us one hour to return. I washed Bapuji’s
feet and made preparations for his massage and bath,

*A well-known mediaeval saint of Gujarat

L-5
 66 THE LONELY PILGRIM

and then after paring a vegetable, set the cooker to

boil. Though I finished making all the khakharas, there
seemed to be no end to Bapuji’s talks with Col. Jivan-
sinhaji and Devanath Das. I got tired at last and but¬
ting in I burst out, “Now, please! Leave Bapuji
alone. Since 2 a.m. he has been in harness and it’s
now late enough. Do you know what he will do? He
will make me rush through the massage.”

The gravity of the atmosphere was dissolved.

Bapuji laughed and said, “If we don’t submit quietly
to this girl’s demand, we are finished. There’s a
proverb in Gujarati which says, ‘Don’t cut off the
root of a tree bearing sweet fruit’. Excess is dangerous.
You may go now. Who will attend to my needs if
she gets cross ? So at least, for her sake we must stop
our talk now.” In this way Bapuji, speaking in a
very agreeable manner and with a genial smile,
tactfully bid them go. I, too, was charmed with these
remarks of Bapuji’s. While he was talking to them
thus, I was laughing in my sleeve.

With a 15 minutes’ nap during the massage

Bapuji seemed a little refreshed. He said so on waking
up. Right from 2 a.m. to 9 a.m. his work had continued
non-stop. During this time, he had to talk conti¬
nuously. This sort of thing is really too much for
Bapuji s health and age. He ate 2 khakharas, a vege¬
table, a slice of papaiya, a little sandesh and drank some
milk. He asked me to learn the methods of making
puffed rice, flattened rice, cocoanut oil etc. “And
then, he added, “we shall always have rice with us
and you will be spared the trouble of making khakharas
daily. The amount of puffed rice you make should
last us for 10 to 15 days. For aged people like myself,
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 67

puffed rice grains are quite a good substitute for wheat

bread.”

Bapuji slept for 3 quarters of an hour after his

meal. Then as he spun yarn, he listened to my diary
of the last 2 or 3 days. He asked me to leave it by
his side on the bed to enable him to sign it once for
all the past few days.

Shorenda has made an excellent dhanush takli.*

Bapuji used it today. Then he went to a village
meeting. I gave him a mud-pack at 4. p.m. and
left him in order to prepare the evening meal. He
had over-strained himself, and said that even his
eyes were burning. To soothe them, he applied the
packs to his eyelids as well. He is constantly absorbed
in a reverie, and feels very tired these days. He took
only 6 oz. of milk and just a little vegetable for
his evening meal.

The evening prayer-meeting was well attended.

Bapuji fell asleep at 10 p.m. though he went to bed
at 9.30. I, too, went to bed early, at 10.30 p.m., as
I have now developed fever in addition to my cold.
Bapuji feels upset when I get sick. “Til appreciate it
very much if you go to bed early tonight,” he had said
plaintively. From that I realized how anxious
Bapuji is about my health. Without a word in reply
I did as he suggested and went to bed. I have still
to double Bapuji’s yarn, copy some of his letters and
file some news-cuttings. These, I shall attend to
tomorrow.
[Bapu, 5-1-’47, Sunday, Chandipur]

* Bow-shaped spinning tool

68 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Chandipur,
5-l-’47, Sunday

Bapuji got up at 2.30 a.m. and woke me up. I

lighted the lamp for him. The first thing he did
with the aid of the light was to sign my diary, after a
hurried glance through it, for the last 4 or 5 days.
Showed me what improvements could be made in my
diary of 3-1-’47 by pointing out some grammatical
mistakes. Signed some cheques and explained to me
how to keep various accounts. Then he himself
wrote some letters to the Ashram-inmates. At 7.30
a.m. he went out as usual for his morning stroll and
talked to Sudhirda (Sudhirchandra Bose) all the way.
Gave him some valuable tips and other guidance
which may be of use to him as a member of the
Cabinet or as an ambassador in some foreign land.
Sudhirda is a very amiable, open-hearted man of
simple habits in dress, etc.
We visited the scene of murders and rapine. It
was a ghastly sight, desolate and barren, with bones
of the murdered scattered here and there.
Returning home, I washed Bapuji’s feet. His
talks with Sudhirda continued so long, that massage
had to be much delayed. So he made me hurry
through it. Bapuji had asked ... to come and
talk to him at the time he was having his meal. As
the talks were likely to be edifying to me also, Bapuji
said to me, “There’s nothing private in the talk. As
I want you to understand the significance of this in¬
cident, you may sit here and listen.”
Bapuji told him (the visitor), “I shall take it that
you have gone on leave; . . . has showered all his
love on you. You have sacrificed your all and
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 69

become a fakir to follow me. It is for your devotion

to me that I relieved you from that post. For myself
I can say I have always looked upon you as my son
and will ever continue to do so. As you are very
excited just now it is useless to attempt explanations
to clear misunderstandings. It is also possible that
I may not be able to see that I am wrong.”
Bapuji then ate 2 khakharas, a lump of condensed
cocoanut oil, a little raw vegetable and two oranges,
and drank 8 oz. of milk. When he relaxed for rest
and I was rubbing oil on his legs, he said, “Give two
and a half minutes to each leg and finish the whole
job in five minutes. You haven’t bathed still ? When
will you bathe and wash the clothes? And today of
all days, you have taken out quite a heap of clothes
to wash! And there must be many utensils too to
cleanse! It was, however, necessary that you should
listen to my talk with ... so that you may write it
down faithfully. And if you report the matter to
. . . (some names) my time will- be saved to that
extent.”
After massaging Bapuji’s legs with ghee, setting
up his spinning wheel and telling Shorenda to give
Bapuji cocoanut-water when he awakes, I went to
have my bath and wash the clothes. The usual time
for lunch here is between 2.30 and 3 p.m. and I was
free from my work exactly at 2.30 p.m. Usually I take
my meal with Bapuji as he does not approve of my
taking it so late, but today’s case was different and I
had my meal with the host family. Didi,* Shorenda
and others were very glad to have my company
when they ate; but when Bapuji came to know
of it, he was highly critical. He castigated me
* Elder sister
 70 THE LONELY PILGRIM

saying, “It’s much better not to eat anything

at all than to have it at late hours, or if you had
to eat, why not something light, say, milk or a
fruit or even cocoanut-water ? This i3 the royal way
of becoming worse than you are already. And if
you get ill here all my work will go to dogs. You
should at least have asked me if it was wise to take
your meal so late. I must say I entirely disapprove
of this habit of late eating. You continue to suffer
from a bad cold and you have washed so many
clothes! . . . But now if you give up everything else
and snatch half an hour’s rest, I shall be very glad,
since it is I who was responsible for wasting your time
today. I detained you to listen to our talk, but why
should I have done so? My mind swept me off my
balance. However, done is done. I had to say all
this for your future guidance and well-being.
Spinning over, Bapuji attended a meeting of the
local craftsmen. He refused to take me with him but
asked me to go to sleep instead. *1 did so. Bapuji
woke me up at 4 p.m. and said, “I realized how tired
you were only when I saw you slumbering soundly.
Yet, you told me you wouldn’t be able to get to sleep!
It’s no wonder you get so tired since I woke you up
at 2.30 a.m. But let me warn you that if in a frenzy
of enthusiasm you strain yourself too much with over¬
work, you are sure to collapse and I, too, with you.”
His evening meal comprised of pineapple juice,
milk 8 oz., and one ounce of gur. Prayers were held
in Ghangergaon. From there he proceeded to a
Muslim friend in Harishchara.
Gharuda, Baba and Ma came on a visit. As we
were to leave for our next camp, Bapuji referring to it
said, “I don’t want a single person to come down from
 PREPARATIONS FOR THE PILGRIMAGE 71

Kazirkhil to attend on me. And these Press reporters

who come with me must be made to understand quite
clearly that they may do so if they like, but entirely
at their own cost and risk. It often happens that
Press reporters are mistaken for members of my own
party. So they must be distinctly told so. . . . has
decided to accompany me. I don’t think he will be
able to stand the strain. We shall see. My party thus
consists of only two—Manu and Nirmalbabu.”

All the extra things (i.e. those not to be carried

with us) were entrusted to Baba (Satishbabu) and Ma
(his wife—Hemaprabhadevi).
When he returned from prayers, Bapuji felt very
tired. He took only about half an ounce of gur and
one grapefruit. Then he observed silence and revised
many letters. Went to bed at 10 p.m.
I had practically no work since Bapuji was obser¬
ving silence. As we shall halt just for a day in each
of our camps, I tried my best to have the least possible
luggage with us.

Chandipur,
6-l-’47, Monday

Bapuji woke today just before prayer-time and no

earlier. Being his day of silence, he wrote all his
letters himself. He had a glass of fruit juice after
finishing his daily routine including prayers. Then,
as he was revising his letters, he dozed off. It is quite
possible that he had over-exerted himself by an ex¬
cessively long walk yesterday. So he asked me, by
gestures only, to press his legs. Hardly had I done so
for five minutes, then he fell into a deep slumber to
wake up again at 6.30 a.m. At 7.30 a.m. Bapuji
 72 THE LONELY PILGRIM

and I went to visit an ailing public worker. Bapuji

gave him some instructions in writing. No food,
only warm water, with honey and a little soda-bi-carb,
to be taken now and again, as required. He was also
advised to have mud-pack on his stomach. It took
us a solid hour to return home. Immediately upon
arrival, I washed his feet, and then began massaging
his legs. He had a nap of about 25 minutes during
this ritual.
Bapuji walked bare-foot to the prayer ground
in the evening. I asked him the reason. He replied by
gestures that he would give it after the silence period
was over. He finished his work early tonight and
talked to Baba, Ma and Arunbhai (their son) at
8 p.m.
As there is a scratch on one of his feet, I applied
hazeline to it. Then Pyarelalji came up; Bapuji’s talk
with him lasted to almost 10 p.m.
Bapuji gave me the reason for discarding his
chapals*, when he lay stretched out at night and I was
massaging his legs with oil. He said, “We don’t go to
our temples, mosques or churches with shoes on. If
that be so it is much more important that I go to God
Daridranarayana (God in the form of the poor and
helpless). We are now to visit such people and tread
on that holy ground where people have lost their dear
ones, where innocent women and children have been
massacred, where women have not even a piece of
cloth to cover their nakedness and where the sacred
bones of innocent victims are scattered. Going to
a sacred place like this is for me a pilgrimage. (Our
journey is to begin from tomorrow). How can I wear
chapah then?”
* Sandals
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 73

As he was saying this, Bapuji was deeply moved.

His heart, to use a Gujarati simile, was stirred as much
as curds-and-whey when it is churned to extract butter
from it. That showed me how intensely sincere Bapuji
is in considering this journey as nothing but a holy
pilgrimage.
[Bapu, Masimpur, 8-1-’47]

VIII

THE LONELY PILGRIM

Chandipur,
7-l-’47, Tuesday

Since today we set out on our pilgrimage, Bapuji

asked me to sing his favourite hymn Vaishnavajana*
and to vary the refrain of the hymn by substituting
‘Christianjana, Parsijana, Sikhijana, Muslimjana, and
Harinajana’ for Vaishnavajana respectively at the end
of each stanza.
Talks between Bapuji and Pyarelalji continued
for about an hour after prayers were over. I was not
present during their conversation as I had to pack
our luggage.
Today Bapu wrote a very touching letter to . . .
giving a clear picture of the situation here. I copied
it. Here are some extracts:

. . . Don’t be anxious about my health. For the time

being, I am able to carry on with my work, which is very

*A hymn describing the qualifications of a true devotee of

Vishnu
74 THE LONELY PILGRIM

heavy. God knows how long I can continue to do so. No¬

thing but my own folly was the cause of my illness in Kheda*
—lack of knowledge about dietetics and senseless pandering
to the palate. If you submit to its cravings, you are sure
to fall ill, no matter whether you eat five items of food or
only one. So every moment I realize, by experience, that
work done methodically and within the limits of my endur¬
ance will not harm me. Besides, I tell . . . and . . . not to
worry about my health. There is the One Almighty Phy¬
sician above all of us who will look after me, and He is
able enough. I had your letter of. . . . Don’t expect a reply.
I do write some letters, but that is because I get up very
early. It is impossible for me to cope with the work here.
But I don’t worry about it. I am ashamed to admit that
though I do get the Harijan, I can’t read it. . . . are in
their respective villages. I will certainly speak out frankly
if I find things going wrong. The work here is very difficult.
I have, so to speak, to make my way through total dark¬
ness. So ‘One step at a time is enough for me’. All this
is a mere hint and not the whole picture.

At 7-15 a.m. Bapuji got up to go to the bath¬

room. So I packed up the last bundle, i.e. the bed
linen and other articles which Bapu uses. Within
5 minutes, he came out of his bath. The ladies of the
home in which we stayed put the auspicious vermilion
mark on his forehead and waved lights in front of
him (as they do in temples) and then we set off at
7-30 a.m. sharp. Bapuji used his wooden stick and
me to support him while walking. He did not wear
chapals.
Today was a memorable day in my life. The thrill
of joy I felt cannot be described. That I would be

*A district in Gujarat
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 75

made his walking stick on this great occasion of self-

sacrifice was something of which I had not even
dreamt of.
Bapuji had stepped out of the house, barefoot,
singing that famous song of the Poet Rabindranth
Tagore entitled 4 The Lonely Pilgrim5 (Ekalo Jane Re)
which begins thus:
If no one joins the Holy March
Heeding thy hearty call,
Be bold, O pilgrim, start alone
Mind not the rebuff at all.

The scene that presented itself before my eyes

was that of the practice of the precept mentioned by
a Gujarati devotee who says:
First give thy head;
Then chant His name.

When Ekalo Jane Re ended, we began singing

Ramadhuna as we walked. This, too, was quite as
dense a jungle as the Dandaka forest which Tulsidasji*
refers to, on Rama’s entry into it, in these glowing
terms:
As he trod the ground,
He sanctified
The Dandak forest deep;
Saved Rishisf around;
The foes who defied
He killed them all at a sweep.

And was it not true that Bapuji, too, was entering

this forest to end the sorrows of the horror-stricken, and
*The ipediaeval saint of U.P. whose story of Rama in poetry
still sways millions in India.
fSages
 76 THE LONELY PILGRIM

often innocent, victims? A military force led; then

followed the press reporters and, last of all, were
Bapuji and myself plodding along the foot-track which
was too narrow for 2 persons to walk abreast com¬
fortably. It was enchanting scenery that we passed
through. The green fronds of the cocoanut and
supari trees seemed to bend down to welcome Bapuji
coming along the avenue. All round us nothing
but luxuriant cool greenery met our eyes. And added
to the refreshing green of the foliage was the crimson
of the dawn. The sun had just begun to rise, as if
to be a silent witness to the commencement of the
glorious march undertaken by one of the greatest men
in history. The beautiful wayside ponds reflected the
splendour of the scene.
Rills of water, small but delightful were a frequent
sight to feast our eyes upon. I wondered what good
I had done in the past to deserve this unique oppor¬
tunity of accompanying Bapu on his noble mission!
It could be due to the blessings of my grandma and
the devotion my parents had for her. My heart was
overflowing with joy. My one prayer to God now is,
‘Oh! Lord! Please see me safe through this journey
and let me emerge from the test with credit.5
We halted at two places on the way. Sushilbahen
was to meet us but she took another route; however,
Satishbabu and Gharuda joined us midway. We
reached here (Masimpur) exactly at 9 a.m.

Masimpur,
7-l-547, 2 p.m.

Bapuji is spinning while I write up my diary.

There is not a dwelling left intact. As far as the
eye could see, only charred remains of what were once
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 77

human habitations remained. Nirmalda had arrived

earlier than we. He himself had carried his own
luggage all the way, for he is a man of strict princi¬
ples.
A ‘folding hut’ has been set up for us, which Baba
and his band have ingeniously designed. Mats have
been spread on grass to cover it and provide a floor.
There are two bed-steads, Bapuji’s and mine. Several
-little windows ventilate our hut; some quite open and
others with bamboo slivers interlaced. Behind our
dwelling is a small shed for Bapuji’s massage and a
still smaller one for his commode. This is similar to a
small but pretty cottage, furnished with every comfort,
big and small.
Immediately upon our arrival, Bapuji inspected
our folding hut. After this, I washed his feet. I
noted that there were scratches on both the soles, as he
had walked barefoot. Usually he keeps them so
clean that not a speck of dirt can be seen, and they
are so soft too! Bapuji said, “You, too, saw what great
trouble Satishbabu has taken to set up this, my
palace? Didn’t you? Besides, it is made up of so
many parts that the whole is easily portable. Even
a child can lift and carry anyone of the parts — so light
are they. That is how he has expressed in action his
intense devotion to me. But how can I accept such an
offering and use it selfishly, for my own comfort? I
cannot. So, I am resolved to see that the hut is not
carried to our next halt; instead, it can be used for a
small mobile hospital or for some other good cause.
As for me, I shall camp with perfect ease and comfort
in any kind of shelter given by the villagers, and, if
none is available, under the shade of any of the numer¬
ous trees as a last resort. Do they, the trees, ever
 78 THE LONELY PILGRIM

refuse shelter to us, or to any creature for that matter ?

God will look after me as He thinks best. Why should
we worry about such details? Even to those who
have gone to other villages I have said in the plainest
language, “You should be content with the food
given you by the villagefolk, and insist that it is of the
same kind as they normally eat. You should mingle
with them freely and become a member of the family
with whom you stay. You are not to be haughty,
thinking yourselves important persons, who have con¬
descended to come down from the heights of civiliza¬
tion to enlighten benighted, ignorant boors and there¬
by to confer a favour on them. Be sure that your work
will collapse if you betray a trace of such egotism.
In case you get ill, you are to be content with what¬
ever medicine is available from the local hakim* or
vaidya * or resort to mother nature’s own remedies.
This same rule holds good for both you and me. And
you will see what wonderful results emerge from this
resolution of self-denial. There is not a shred of
doubt in my mind on that score.”

After washing his feet I massaged him; he fell

asleep for 20Jminutes while I did so, as he had arisen
at 2 am. and worked steadily till 9.45 a.m. Therefore,
he must have been tired. When he finished his bath
it was 11-30 a.m. This being the first day of our march,
every bit of his daily routine was delayed. He took
8 oz. of milk, some boiled vegetable, 2 khakhras and
1 grapefruit for his midday meal. As Sushilabahen
and Pyarelalji were in attendance on him I went
for my bath, to wash clothes and to attend to other

Muslim or Hindu physician following the.Unani or Ayur¬

vedic system
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 79

sundry work. As he was doing his Bengali lesson,

Bapuji dozed of again. He had told me also to rest
after rubbing him with ghee, but I had so much
work to do that I didn’t.

At 3.30 p.m. Bapuji woke up and after drinking

some cocoanut water, he glanced at the post, then
read it carefully and noted down something in his
diary. At 3.45 he had his mud-pack. In that posi¬
tion of repose he talked about the problem of displaced
persons with Abdualla Saheb and Zaman Saheb, and
also attended the meeting of the Relief Committee.
Very reluctantly I had to forego attending that meeting,
as otherwise some other important work would have
been left undone. Then for nearly 2 hours he dis¬
cussed with Annadababu the same problem of relief
to the victims of riots. Bapuji holds, “The displaced
persons should be trained to be self-reliant in order to
maintain themselves, and not depend upon charities.
Some amount in charity will, of course, have to be dis¬
tributed. But total dependence on it will bring about
inertia and indifference and aversion to earning a
living.

At 5 p.m. he went to prayers. When Ramadhuna

began, Muslim brothers began to leave the prayer¬
meeting in a huff; the prayers, however, were conti¬
nued as usual. He had eaten one mashed banana,
and had drunk 8 oz. of milk before he went to the
prayer-meeting, and at 7.30 p.m. in the evening
he took an oz. of gur.
There was an incessant stream of those desiring an
interview and also of casual visitors who merely wanted
to have a glimpse of Bapuji till at last at 9.30 p.m.
Nirmalda peremptorily stopped all visitors. He
so THE LONELY PILGRIM

himself sees most of those desiring an interview and

thus saves Bapuji from much trouble.
After pacing up and down for a short while, I
washed Bapuji’s feet. Then, he did his Bengali lesson
and I finished my work for the night such as making
his bed etc. At 9.30 p.m. Bapuji lay down and I
•rubbed oil on his head, pressed his legs and then asked
his permission to keep awake for half an hour in order
to bring my diary up-to-date. Bapuji told me to finish
my work by 10 p.m. at the latest and go to sleep.
Today’s diary has been written spasmodically. I
was afraid that I would not be able to cope with all
the work that I had to get through but I was able to do
so without any serious difficulty. As the time for cook¬
ing in the morning clashes with that allocated for
massage, Bapuji had to wait for me till I finished the
preliminaries and set the cooker to boil. As for the
khakharas, Bapuji suggested that I should make them
whenever I found the time, and even proposed that the
khakharas be omitted altogether and that puffed-rice
would do just as well. I, however, immediately re¬
jected the idea. By accepting his suggestion to make
the khakharas at my convenience, the pressure of work
in the morning was relieved to some extent.
Thus, by God’s grace, the first day of our pilgri¬
mage ended without any mishap.
Have copied Bapuji’s diary. It is exactly 10 p.m.
now and I, too, shall retire as I had promised Bapuji.

Fatehpur,
8-l-’47, Wednesday
Bapuji awakened me at 2 a.m., dictated a letter to
Jajuji in which he referred to ... ’s letter, and
another to Rajendrababu regarding Bihar. Then he
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 81

listened while I read out the entries in my diary, and

said that from henceforth he would check my diary
daily but would sign it when convenient. “I intend
to teach you,” he observed, “the work that Mahadev
and Prabha used to do. You have already picked
up some of it, but much still remains to be learnt.”
Bapuji then dictated some letters which in turn I
read back to him for approval. By the time we got
through it was time for prayers.
After prayers he signed my diary (with entries
for the last 3 or 4 days) and then busied himself in a
conversation with Nirmalda.
At exactly 7 a.m. we had left Masimpur for this
place. Accompanying us were some volunteers who
shared the burden of carrying the luggage with me.
We arrived here at 8.30 a.m. Bapuji saluted all the
Muslim brothers that he came across but they did not
respond to his greeting and went their way as if they
had never heard of him. That prompted me to ask
Bapuji, “Why do you go on saluting these people when
they are so indifferent, if not hostile?” “What do we
lose thereby?” Bapuji retorted. “A day will come
when they will understand me. We, on our part,
should never give up sincere humility. At present
the one thought that occurs to them when they see
me is, ‘Here comes our enemy’, whereas I want to prove
that I am no enemy, but a friend, come here to serve
them. I can legitimately claim to be so only when
there is absolute humility not only in me but also in
the members of my party.”
Like yesterday, we sang hymns and chanted
dhuna* throughout our march.

*A couplet repeated again and again

L-6
 82 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Here, we have been housed in a Muslim school

building. When I finished washing Bapuji’s feet,
some Muslims came to see him. To me it seemed as
if they had come to ma)ce it appear that their hands
were clean and that they had nothing to do with the
ravages committed here. Bapuji, however, listened to
them with extraordinary patience.
When these talks were going on, I set up a bath¬
room for Bapuji, by fixing four poles in the ground
to form a square and enclosing the area with long pieces
of cloth. A similar small enclosure was also made
where he could have his massage. His commode was
placed in the bathroom. Then I set a vegetable to
boil and made khakharas for him. Sardar Jivansinhaji
and his troop of the I.N.A. are accompanying us on
this march. To make their rotis\ and lentil curry,
they improvise ovens by using stones to support the
utensils and use firewood for kindling. I, too, made
one such and set water to heat for Bapuji’s bath. The
weather was very cold with strong winds blowing.
Bapuji did not sleep during the massage. He then
observed, “What a display of wisdom the Muslims
here show in their speech; one would think they were
innocent lambs!”
Bapuji finished his bath at 11.30 a.m. I went for
my bath etc., after attending to his food. He had
3 khakharas, 8 oz. of milk, vegetable-yeast and a
grapefruit.
There is scarcity of water here. One has to fetch
it in a bucket from some distance. I did it, washed
Bapuji’s and my clothes and also had my bath. By
that time it was 1 p. m. I did not cook any food for
myself today but had roti and lentil-soup made by
l Unleavened breads
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 83
Sardarji. It was a true Punjabi roti—so thick that I
was able to eat barely half of it. But it was an en¬
joyable meal, very well cooked on three stones used
for an oven. With everyone helping, we finished all
the work we had to do.
As I was rubbing oil on Bapuji’s feet, I found that
he had cut his soles in several places and that blood
was oozing out. I could not check my tears at the
sight. I filled the cuts with ghee. There is a specially
deep cut at the joint below the great toe. What a
difficult ordeal Bapuji had chosen to go through at
this age! How very sad must the plight of Indian
people be, if they cannot understand this great man!
Or could it be that such is the fate destined by God
for exceptionally noble men? It was only because
Ramachandraji voluntarily suffered for 14 long years
the torments of a secluded and dangerous life in fear¬
ful jungles, that he is worshipped as a god today*
So, to provide an ideal of goodness in practice, God
does incarnate Himself in the form of man from time
to time. Whenever unrighteousness flourishes and
spreads, God comes down to earth in person. I was
then immediately reminded of the following verse of
the Bhagawadgita:
Whenever Dharma* is depressed,
Satan scores, saints are suppressed
God deigns here to take his birth
To save from Satan’s grip the earth. IV. 7

I see concrete fulfilment of this promise through'

Bapuji.
After spinning in the afternoon, Bapuji lay down
on his bed for his mud-packs and discussed the

*That which sustains the good

84 THE LONELY PILGRIM

communal tension with some Muslims. Bapuji told

them,*“If you don’t treat the Hindus as your kith and
kin, you will land yourselves in trouble. It is child’s
play to harass the Hindus here, as you Muslims are in
the^majority. But is it just and honourable? Show
me, please, if such a mean action is suggested, even
cursorily, anywhere in your Koran. I have made quite
a deep study of the Koran-e-Sharieff. Besides, I
have many friends among the Muslims. And even to¬
day many Muslim girls are my daughters just as much
as this girl (pointing to me) is. One of them is Amtus-
salaam whom you must be knowing as she is on a fast
here. She is a girl who will hail any opportunity to sac¬
rifice her very life for me. So, in all humility, I appeal
to you to dissuade your people from committing such
crimes, so that your own future may be bright.”

The Muslim brothers in their reply pointed out

the Bihar incidents and put forth some other argu¬
ments as well in their favour. Bapuji dozed off for a
short while, while they were speaking. He is very
tired as he has been up and busy from 2 a.m. Even so,
Bapuji begged their pardon for that lapse in good
manners. Thus, I get many such opportunities to
learn humility from Bapuji’s personal example.

At 4 p.m. Bapuji had some fruit-salad, 3 oranges

and some vegetable. Then he went to the prayer¬
meeting which was attended by a large number of
Muslims. On his return, Hareramji met Bapuji.
This person is a Harijan servant of Birlaji’s. He had
served Bapuji very devotedly at Delhi. Birlaji, who
knows his worth has sent him here to look after Bapu.
As Hareramji came and bowed before Bapu, who in¬
quired of him, among other things, the reason for his
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 85

coming. Rejecting the man’s offer to serve him,

he explained, “It is a self-denying ordeal which I am
undergoing here. If I ask the Birla Brothers to send
me a staff of cooks, a car, a contingent of servants or
even an aeroplane they will readily do so. That is
the kind of people they are. But that is not Yajna,
in which difficulties should be welcomed. For how
can it be called an austere, self-sacrificing ordeal when
all is smooth-sailing?” With this explanation, Hare-
ramji was told to return to Delhi.
The poor man was much disappointed. He came
to me and earnestly pleaded with me to intercede on
his behalf. “But,” I said, “if Bapuji does not comply
with Birlaji’s request, he will never agree with mine.
And if I presumed to put forward a plea for you, he
will just order me to leave him and go home.”
During the evening walk Bapuji visited the house
of a Muslim brother who had invited him. Bapuji
walked very fast today both going and returning.
Sushilabahen accompanied him.
On his return, Bapuji drank a glass of warm
water with honey, revised his prayer-discourse, read
the post and dictated something to Sushilabahen.
I wrote up my diary, made Bapuji’s and my own
beds, packed the luggage that had to be unpacked
ag^in in the morning, and washed Bapuji’s feet. He
lay down at 10 p.m., and I pressed his legs and rubbed
oil on his head. When Bapuji went to sleep, I wound
his yarn on the reel and spun my own. When I
finished, it was 10.30 p.m. Bapuji disapproved of my
keeping awake so late. He said to me emphatically,
“I ask you not to keep awake more than about 15
minutes after I lie down to sleep. If your work is not
 86 THE LONELY PILGRIM

finished by the time you retire you can tell me the

next day, whatever remains undone.”
I went to bed at 10.45 p. m.
[Bapu, 9-l-’47, Fatehpur]

Daspada,
9-1-’47, Thursday
Today also I was awakened by Bapuji at 2 a.m.
(in Fatehpur) and told to go to sleep early tonight.
After I lit the lamp, Bapuji spent the time before
prayers in reading a report of the All-India Spinners5
Association which Jajuji has sent. After prayers I had
my diary signed by Bapuji. Then, giving him honey
in warm water, I left him to extract fruit-juice for him.
Bapuji, in the meanwhile, corrected and signed the
letters he had dictated and showed me the correc¬
tions when I returned.

At 7.30 a.m. sharp we started from Fatehpur to

come here. It is a small but very clean hut where we
have been put up. There was no member of the
host family left except an old man who has lost much
else besides in the riots. The ceiling of the hut is
made of cocoanut leaves. The hut looks similar to a
kuoa'". Bapuji liked this kuba very much.

After washing his feet, I made preparations for

his massage and bath. I was spared much trouble
today, as Sardarji and his men dug the pits to fix 'the
poles and curtained them off to make a bath-room
etc. Gol. Jivansinhaji cut the vegetable for Bapuji and
observed with interest how I operate the cooker and
set food on it to boil. When I reported to Bapuji
how eager Sardarji was to learn our way of cooking,
jungle-hut made up of leaves
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 87
Bapuji remarked, “He has distinguished himself as a
soldier and as an associate of Subhashbabu. He is also
a crack shot and a skilful swordsman. But here he
has transformed himself into a non-violent soldier—-
not a small achievement that. I have many such
soldiers with me. During the struggle in South
Africa, every soldier of that army of passive resisters
had to attend to his own needs. The entire work of our
group was distributed amongst them all and each one
was required to do his share. That highly educated
Indians did cooking etc. was nothing; even the Whites
who were with us enthusiastically joined in. So I
shouldn’t wonder if Jivansinhaji begins to cook food.
I would be surprised if he doesn’t learn. Once you be¬
come a soldier, you ought to learn to do all sorts
of work.”
During the massage Bapuji slept for 20 to 25
minutes. He finished his bath at 10 a.m. During his
meals he glanced through some literature that was
brought by a gentleman from the Marwadi Relief
Association. He ate 3 khakharas, some vegetable, oran¬
ges and two pieces of sandesh made from cocoanuts,
and drank some milk.
After attending to Bapuji while he ate, I had
my bath, washed the clothes and then had my lunch.
When I finished, it was 12.30 p.m. As Bapuji busied
himself with writing, I had some time during which
I washed Bapuji’s utensils and wound his yarn on
the reel. Then I rubbed ghee on his legs and again
left him to make the gur preparation for him. To¬
day we were supplied with about two and a half
pounds of goat’s milk. After copying some letters
I slept for a while. Bapuji woke me up at about 3.15
p.m. At 3.30 p.m. I pressed Bapuji’s legs as he lay
 88 THE LONELY PILGRIM

down for his mud-packs. He had told us that he would

have only milk and dates and no vegetable in the
evening. When I finished copying Bapuji’s diary, I
packed the luggage. It was 4.30 p.m. by then. After
giving Bapuji his milk, I did my work till it was
prayer-time.
After prayers some local Muslims came to talk
to Bapuji. He suggested the formation of a Peace
Committee.
As the attendance at the prayer-meeting was
very thin, Bapuji observed, “I am both happy and
grieved at the small number of people here. I am
happy because I do not wish people to attend the
prayer merely to have a glimpse of me or to present
themselves before me. But I have also heard that
people are scared away from the prayer-meeting as
they are afraid that if they attend it, the police party
with me may either arrest them or beat them. If you,
therefore, give your word of honour to see that Gan¬
dhi is not harmed in any way, then I assure you
that I will bring pressure upon the Government—as
I certainly can—to withdraw the police party and
thus entirely remove your baseless fear of the police.
I have not come here to harass you or have you
arrested.”
I pressed Bapu’s legs and rubbed oil as usual
and after bowing down to him went straight to bed.
It was 9.30 p.m. when both of us retired. Bapuji was
very pleased to see me go to bed so soon. He re¬
marked, “If you make it a rule to retire early like today,
I shall feel immensely happy. I hope you will not
prove the truth of our saying, ‘The master’s advice
is remembered only up to the outskirts of the town’
by the servant setting out on an errand. We should
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 89

transform it into, ‘The master’s advice is remembered

to the end of life itself.’ ”
[Bapu, 10-1-’47, Daspada]

Daspada,
10-1-’47, Friday

Bapuji got up at 2 a.m. as usual, woke me up and

dictated some letters—all in Gujarati—to Mavlankar-
dada, Manilalkaka, Sushilakaki, Ramdaskaka and
Kahna. It was nearly prayer time by then. So he
brushed his teeth and attended prayers. Then, as
he was sipping hot water with honey, he talked to
me for about 40 minutes in a very serious vein.

Bapuji humbled himself to dust in that talk. “I

had accused you, but now I freely admit that it was
a totally false accusation. I am far above you in
position—in fact I am like your grandfather—so,
how can I beg for pardon from you? But still, if I
do so, it is not wrong. But that you wouldn’t like. I
am partially satisfied however, that I have recognized
your true worth only through crushing your heart
with injustice, though it was done unconsciously.
I now believe . . . said and I am glad now that I
really know you. Since yesterday I have been debating
in my mind the question: ‘Should I confess my mis¬
take to Manudi? Will she not get puffed up with
pride?’ This possibility revolved in my mind for a
long time. So, I lost sleep. I looked at my watch. It
was 2 a.m. Something within prodded me. ‘You have
to wake up Manudi,’ it said, ‘it is your duty to tell
her that your mind now accepts her innocence in the
affair.’ Suppose I break down under this strain, and die
without making the confession! I see nothing but
90 THE LONELY PILGRIM

darkness all around. The whole atmosphere is sur¬

charged with lies and untruth. At one end of India,
trouble has actually flared up—in Bihar; and again
there is no harmony anywhere else in the country.
I want to stand up against it all, living in its midst.
I don’t know how long I live. Just observe, how¬
ever, how God sustains me. Though I sleep at 10
or 11 p.m., rise at 2 or 2.30 a.m., do my work at high
pressure and get no rest at all, I carry on somehow!
That itself is a wonder. I felt suddenly that lest I dis¬
appear from the world shortly, I should give you
some idea of what I now feel about you and speak
out frankly.”

Giving his view of an ideal marriage he observed,

"It is no sin to marry. But we have debased mar¬
riage into something akin to it. By mutual under¬
standing between husband and wife, marriage is
meant to share the burden of the continuous turn of
the great wheel of life on earth, i.e. to be helpful in
removing or mitigating the sorrows of the world. A
married couple is like the two wheels of a carriage.
But nowadays marriage panders mainly to lust and
encourages it. And then the couple begets many chil¬
dren who become street waifs and wander about like
uncared-for-cattle and starve for want of food. Milk
for them is quite out of the question. The husband and
the wife are always at cross purposes, quarrelling
and grinding their teeth in wrath; their bodies are
reduced to skeletons. Such is the end of marriage
in many cases; so, I warn all girls to think twice before
plunging into it. People find it very difficult to observe
brahmacharya after marriage. If a couple does so and
lead a controlled, sane, and thoughtful life, they
would rise to great heights. If I have risen, it is not
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 91

because I became a Bar-at-law; and Ba* is adored,

almost worshipped, today not because she was my
wife, but because we observed brahmacharya. Let me
say, moreover, that if Ba had not remained steadfast
to our principles, I am sure we could never have
achieved what we have. It is Ba who really deserves
the credit for the title of Mahatma which the people
have chosen to confer upon me. To observe brahma¬
charya is to be entirely passionless. A man who keeps
to this rule will never be tempted to cast a lustful
glance even on a nymph if she came to seduce him.
Such a man is devoid of anger, infatuation, untruth,
violence, tendency to steal, possessiveness, etc. in him.
I go to the length of asserting that these devil’s imps
can never be his undoing. If, with all these virtues,
that man is always in tune with the Lord in his heart,
then, I say, not only will he never get ill, but even a
pimple will not fester on his skin; and he will meet
death as his friend, repeating in his heart the name
of God. So, there is no possibility of his dying a
wretched death. This is the advantage of married
life rightly lived. But only the finest souls are able to
attain such a state. If our soul is not strong enough,
nothing can be gained (by marriage) and one would
be like ... or ... .
“I will give you an instance from everyday life.
Do you know how the thick bajri rotis are patted into
shape ? I still remember those that my mother used
to make. Nowadays they make the round shape by
patting the lump of dough on a wooden disc. But
my mother and grandma used to hold the lump
between their palms and skilfully shape it. They did
not need the wooden disc at all. But if one is not able

*Kasturba. The word also means ‘mother’.

92 THE LONELY PILGRIM

to do it with one’s hands, the wooden disc is of

course needed. But the bread patted between the
palms is any day sweeter than that expanded on the
disc with one palm. You have perhaps no idea of its
excellent taste.
“In the same way, one should marry in order to
render greater service to one’s fellow-men by joining
two forces together. Service means to do good to one’s
country. But that does not mean that one cannot
do national service unless one becomes, say, a Minis¬
ter of the State. To look after the family in the right
spirit is also national service. Take the simple
example of cooking. It ought to be such as not to let
a single grain of corn go waste in these hard days,
and to supply all that the body needs with the mini¬
mum of dishes. The clothes we wear should be only
for the protection of our bodies. Not a single country¬
man of ours should go without food or raiment. There¬
fore, our stock of articles should be limited to bare
necessities. There are many women today who are
thrifty, but they conserve more than they require.
Hence, others have to do without, or buy them at
exorbitant rates. That is selfish stinginess. We must,
therefore, train ourselves to keep national interest
always before us. Such a housewife renders, to my
mind, the greatest national service. National ser¬
vice has nowadays come to mean striving for a big
name, according to many now, through which one
gets a notice in the papers or is photographed — which
is better — or secures a ministership as a reward for
going to jail. So everyone wants to grab power in
order to rise to a ministership in the end. But how
can even good ministers do any notable work
without the people’s support? The country does
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 93
require, among others, ministers too. But a minister
can adorn his post only if he deserves it. It is our
duty to help him so that he may shine in his job. If we
can understand this, we shall accept the truth that
even an illiterate woman can serve our country, if she
bears in mind national interest. To you alone I reveal
all my thoughts in detail. I have also spoken about
these matters to . . . but a little differently as she
was a married woman. You are still a child. Though
you are seventeen, to me you are but a baby of six or
seven.

“To hope for an early settlement of the problems

that Noakhali faces is a vain hope. It is like building
a castle in the air. I see no signs yet of the complete
disappearance of antipathy between Hindus and Mus¬
lims. That will come when my heart grows into a full¬
blown flower of perfection. I cannot claim as yet that
my remembrance of God has penetrated to the inner¬
most depths of my heart. My efforts in this direc¬
tion certainly continue.

“You have no reason to get into a pensive mood

from my talk today. I am simply discharging my
duty as your mother. I am feeding you with what my
mind is filled with. Write it down in your diary only
after careful reflection, for the talk today, I am
afraid, is a little above you. Besides, one topic mer¬
ged into another till my conversation covered several
subjects. What I have told you is of fundamental
importance. It may mould your future life. And when
I am dead it will prove of great value to you, to Jaya-
sukhlal and to your sisters. Though a male in physi¬
cal form, I have become your mother in essence, so
I was relieved of a load on my mind today by telling
94 THE LONELY PILGRIM

you how I felt.”

[Fairly well-written, but rather too long.^
Bapu, Lamchar, ll-l-’47, Saturday]

Jagatpur,
10-1-’47, Friday

Bapuji told me all this in the small hours of the

morning. It took me a whole hour to write it down.
Bapuji busied himself after prayers in correcting his
prayer-discourse and in some other work and I in
finishing all my writing work. He has not yet seen my
report of our talk. He will think it rather long, I am
afraid. He came out at 7.40 a.m. and we proceeded
on our march. We were delayed by 10 minutes because
Bapuji had not finished his Bengali lesson earlier.

Though our path from Daspada to this place had

been swept clean beforehand, Muslim brothers had
dirtied it by throwing dung and human excreta
here and there. We came to know that it had been
intentionally done. But Bapuji said, “I don’t mind
it. There’s nothing wrong if they let off pent-up
steam against me in this way.”

This is a Hindu cottage. It was already 10.30

a.m. when we finished our usual work, like mas¬
sage, bath etc., after reaching here. Bapuji slept
for 40 minutes during the massage. Morning meal at
11 a.m. made up of 2 khakharas, vegetable, milk and
one pineapple. From 12.30 to 1 p.m. he relaxed. Then
he drank cocoanut-water, spun yarn and talked to
Pyarelalji who came at 2 p.m. Shortly afterwards,
some ladies called. Many of them had been forcibly
converted to Islam. As the husbands and sons of some
of them had been murdered, they were plunged in
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 93

grief. With sobs and tears they poured out their stri¬
cken hearts to Bapuji. “The only difference between
you and me, he consoled them, “is that you cry and
I don’t. But my heart sorrows for you. Your grief is
my grief; that’s why I have come here. There is no
remedy for our pain except faith in God. It is the
one, most efficacious penacea. We may shed seas
of tears, but that will not bring back the dead. If we
imbibe this truth, there will be no cause for such
outbursts of grief.”
These words of consolation Bapuji uttered with
the deepest gravity and sympathy. The atmosphere
was highly charged as he spoke. What he said was
such as would melt the stoniest heart.
Bapuji had his mud-packs from 3.30 to 4 p.m.;
in the meantime he received some visitors and
signed some letters.
He took only some gur in the evening, and gave
up fruit, milk and everything else, saying, “The meet¬
ing with those sisters is still vivid. Who knows how
many more tragic sights like this I am fated to see!”
The- evening prayers, however, were held as
usual, and he had his walk, too, after them. On his
return he corrected his prayer-speech and talked to
various visitors. At 8 p.m. he lay down and listened to
the newspapers.
Bapuji got to sleep at nearly 10 p.m. I checked
the luggage and packed it. Then finished this diary*
and copied Bapuji’s. It is now 10.30 p.m. and so went
to bed. Bapuji had spun 120 rounds of yarn today.
I applied hazeline cream sent by Baba to the
soles of Bapuji’s feet and bandaged them before he
slept.
96 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Lamchar,
ll-l-’47, Saturday
Spent the night at Jagatpur. Bapuji woke me up
at 2 a.m. Asked me if I had written up my diary.
Then dictated letters, the first to Madhavdasmama
(brother of revered Kasturba); and the second to
.... He gave up dictating when it was time to get
ready for prayers. As he was brushing his teeth he in¬
quired of me regarding my food etc. Despite his
multifarious duties and interests, Bapu keeps himself
informed about me in minute detail! After prayers
1 gave him warm water, extracted fruit juice, wash¬
ed utensils and packed our luggage. I had, this morn¬
ing, a fairly easy time as I had packed up every¬
thing last night, except those needed for the next
morning. So, I doubled Bapuji s yarn. At 7.30 a.m.
Bapuji left his bed and went to the bathroom, and I
tied the last bundle together with our bedding.
When it was exactly 7.40 a.m. we left Jagatpur.
Hymns and chants continued all through our
route. On the way we saw building completely burnt
down. There were blood-stains too. Murders must
have been committed there, we inferred.
As I had informed Bapuji that I had finished
writing yesterday’s diary, I put it on his table along
with the post as soon as we arrived here. When I
was washing his feet, he glanced through the letters
and signed them. He wanted to go through my diary
during the massage, but as he was too tired he went to
sleep.
So, after his bath, I read it to him as he was eat¬
ing. Bapuji always asks me to write briefly, but I
haven’t yet mastered the art. “I want to write down
teach and every word you utter,” I argued. “It’s only
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 97

your devotion,55 he replied, “but I don’t want to

insist on brevity, as I do like you to write down as
much as you can; practice, I believe, improves the
hand.55 Then he signed my diary, with the remark
that the entries were lengthy. But on the whole, it
seems he liked it. No important point was missed as
I had written it immediately after our talk.
His meal consisted of a vegetable, milk 12 oz.
and chatni (seasoning) made of 5 almonds and 5
cashews ground and seasoned with salt etc. The al¬
monds and the cashews had been sent by Jayanti-
bhai from Karachi; the parcel reached us with many
redirections.

Except for the fact that Bapuji’s great toe on the

right foot is aching today, there is nothing particular
to note.
\

The march from Jagatpur to Lamchar was very

uncomfortable. The ground was very cold and we
had to make our way through many farms, which
were close together. But there was a pleasant change
worth noting. Today, for the first time every Muslim
brother we came across cordially acknowledged
.Bapuji’s salutations and even saluted him before
he could.
Bapuji fell asleep early tonight while listening to
the papers, but got up again at 10 p.m. I wrote up
my diary in the interval and also wrote letters home.
When I was taking down his yarn on the winding reel,
Bapuji opened his eyes, got up and went to the bath¬
room. I made his bed; he lay down on it at 10.30
p.m. I rubbed oil on his head, pressed his legs and
bowed down to him as usual. With parental love he
softly passed his hand over my body. I don’t know
L-7
 98 THE LONELY PILGRIM

when sleep overtook me. The work here is heavy

indeed but it induces sleep in less than 5 minutes.
Karpada,
12-l-547, Sunday
Bapuji was strongly advised by Dr. Sushilabahen
not to get up as early as at 1.30 or 2 a.m. It affects
his health, she said. After a good deal of argument,
Bapuji was finally persuaded to abide by her advice.
By force of habit, however, he woke up at 1.30 a.m.
today and so did I. But both of us went to sleep
again, to awaken at prayer time. After prayers, he
drank honey in warm water and also had a glass of
fruit juice. As he had to talk to Sushilabahen, he
dictated very little to me.
We left Lamchar at 7.40 a.m., to come here at
8.45. On the way he asked ... to mingle freely
with all and be one with them. Considering everything,
it was quite a grand reception that the men and women
of Karpada gave Bapuji. This is Sushilabahen Pai’s
village. She has built up great prestige for herself
among the people here. Girls and women especially
look up to her with respect.*
She had made splendid arrangements for Bapuji’s
massage and bath, which Bapuji had immediately
upon arrival here. This saved us much time. For lunch
he had some vegetable, sttndesh, milk, five almonds
and five cashewnuts. These last Sushilabahen had
hoarded for a long time with a view to give them to
Bapuji when he chanced to visit her home. “Then
* Sushilabahen is now a Secretary of the Kasturba Memorial
Trust, but when Bapuji was in Noakhali, he had entrusted one
village to each of his co-workers; accordingly this was her
village.
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 99
it is something like Shabari’s berries,”* remarked Bapu.
There was a ladies’ meeting at midday. Bapuji
exhorted the large audience to take to spinning. Then
another meeting of handicraftsmen was held. These
took up Bapuji s entire time till the evening. He
took only milk and some papaiya. On a dhanush takli
Bapuji spun as many as 150 rounds of yarn in nearly
45 minutes. As h'e felt very tired he went to sleep
early, at 8.45 p.m. His silence had begun at 6 minutes
past 6 p.m. Sardar Niranjansingh Gil had visited
Bapuji.
[Bapu, Narayanpur, 15-D’47]

Shahpur,
13-l-’47, Monday
Bapuji woke up at 4 a.m. The morning prayer
was conducted by Sushilabahen Pai in Karpada.
Then he had warm water with honey as usual. He
sent a telegram to Kahimkhan regarding Amtus-
salaambahen who was on a fast. While reading the
post Bapuji fell asleep. He woke up at exactly 7.30
a.m. and left Karpada at 7.40 to come here. Sushila¬
bahen Pai put vermilion marks on the foreheads of
all of us before we set off. Both the Sushilabahens
(Dr. Nayar and Pai) and Pyarelalji accompanied us.

*Shabari according to Ramayana, was an aboriginal old woman,

living in Dandakaranya. She was greatly devoted to Rama, who
could visit her cottage after a very long wait. Utter stranger to
decent mannerism, she -presented berries to Rama, which she
had tasted previously with a view to make herself sure that
they were sweet and not bitter. For her deep devotion, Rama
ate them, though by so doing he went against both religious
and social customs.
100 THE LONELY PILGRIM

On the way Pyarelalji explained some points regard¬

ing the verses in the 12th canto of the Bhagavadgita.
We reached here exactly at 8.30 a.m. I massaged
Bapuji and attended on him while he had his bath
etc. today. He took 2 khakharas, milk 8 oz., one lemon,
a raw vegetable and a piece of sandesh. As he was
having a confidential talk with . . . while he ate, I
left him to do my own work which I could thus finish
a little earlier than usual. At the end of his meal,
Bapuji lay down in the sunshine with his head
covered. Right up to the evening he basked in the sun
in this manner. Suchetabahen arrived in the after¬
noon and gave a fearful, hair-raising description of
the horrors perpetrated. With fiendish cruelty Hindu
women had been ravished. Dr. Sushilabahen Nayar
went to Lamchar to perform a post-mortem of the corpses
there. After examining Amtussalaambahen too, she
returned at 4.30 p.m.
In the evening Bapuji had 8 oz. of milk and 8
dates steam-cooked.
He returned a little earlier from his walk after the
evening prayer. At 8.15 p.m. I washed Bapuji’s
feet and then he lay down to sleep. The pain on his
right great toe has abated. 4‘By too much waiting
upon me you all have made my body too delicate, and
with it my feet. Who has to suffer the consequences
except myself?” Bapuji asked.
[Bapu, Narayanpur, 15-1-’47]

Bhatialpur,
14-l-’47
Awoke at 4 a.m. as usual now. Talked with our
hostess at Shahpur. She said that they were in con¬
stant dread of fresh attacks. “If that is so,” said
 THE LONELY PILGRIM 101

Bapuji, “it is your duty to leave this area for a safer

place.”
Gave him pineapple juice after his glass of warm
water. Then Bapuji began writing the Bengali alpha¬
bet, but dozed off. Woke up again at 7.35 a.m. and
left for Bhatialpur.
This is Pyarelalji’s village. He stopped on the way
several times to visit, for a couple of minutes or there¬
about, the homes of Muslim families. When he did
so, I used to go into their inner apartments and exhort
the ladies to come out to see Bapuji. “Here is the
Mahatma setting his holy feet into your very home!”
I would say, “How can you remain without seeing
him and being blessed?” At one garden-home the
ladies first agreed but then refused and saw Bapuji from
a distance; but at another, they expressed a desire to
be photographed with Bapuji. So he sat in a chair
in the middle, with the ladies standing on his right
and left, and a boy of the family took the photo. It
seemed that both the women and the men in this
family had some respect for Bapuji. Never does Bapuji
pose for a photo, but he made an exception in this
instance. This is literally the first occasion, after our
coming here, when ladies met him so freely.
We came to Bhatialpur at 9.15 a.m. Both the
Sushilabahens were with us. Dr. Sushilabahen mas¬
saged Bapuji. I waited upon him during his bath
and Pyarelalji had made khakharas for him. He took
two of them at his meal with 8 oz. of milk and a raw
vegetable. Sardar Niranjansingh Gil had come here
in the afternoon. A notable incident happened in the
evening. There is a temple of Thakurji (Lord
Shrikrishna) here, whose image had been taken away.
Bapuji installed it again in the presence of many
102 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Muslims. It is not a small thing that the very persons

who had removed the idol, now presented themselves
and even took a vow to defend it at the cost of their
lives. The ceremony ended with arati* and distribution
of prasad\ to all present.
Routine items like prayers etc. were carried out
as usual. He had only milk and one apple, steam-
boiled, in the evening. He slept at 10 p.m.
[Bapu, Narayanpur, 15-1-’47]

IX

THE FIERY ORDEAL

Narayanpur,
15-l-’47
Following his new rule Bapuji got up at 4 a.m.
today also, but told me that he had been awake since
3. Prayers etc., as usual. We left Bhatialpur at 7.35
a.m. for this place. Sushilabahen left us midway to go
to her own village.
On arrival here I washed Bapuji’s feetA As I was
then making preparations for his bath, I found to my
dismay that the stone for rubbing his legs was missing
from the box of food items where I generally put it
and it could not be found even after a strenuous search.
I reported the matter to Bapuji, who had some stinging
words to say: “You have committed a serious blunder.
It may do if Manudi is lost, but how can the loss
of the stone be excused? So now, I want none but
^Waving of lights
-j-Sweet distributed after worship of an idol or after some
religious function.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 103

you to find it. Ask Nirmalbabu to prepare my meal,

but the stone you yourself must go and find. If you
do so, you will never forget anything afterwards. And
it will be your test as to how far you have gained
courage and mine as to how far I have been able to
instil it into you.”
I asked his permission to take a volunteer with
me which he refused pointblank. So, I walked away
in a temper, leaving him inside. I was all the while
in a state of terrible suspense for fear of being seized
by a ruffian. It was a dense and fairly extensive
thicket of cocoanut trees and the track had too many
windings to be easily followed without getting lost.
But I finally reached the place. On our way here from
Bhatialpur I had taken out the stone to rub and warm
Bapuji’s bare feet which had got cold. The old lady
with whom we had stayed had thrown it away, but it
was found. At 1 p.m. I returned with the stone. I
had breathed God’s name all the way with an earnest¬
ness which, perhaps, I had never before felt at any time
in my life. I was awfully hungry too, and deeply
grieved for my lapse. All this had upset me and I
threw the stone at Bapuji’s feet saying “Here is your
stone now” and I could not help breaking down, and
crying.
But Bapuji burst into a loud laugh. ‘What an
ordeal I had to pass through,’ I thought in irritation,
‘and Bapuji finds it amusing!’ He, however, gave
his explanation : “You were tested today. Whatever
God does, He does for our good. Didn’t I warn you
on the very first day, saying, ‘Joining me in my sacri¬
fice means a test of great courage and you will fail
in my eyes if you lapse from my principles in the
slightest degree.’ You do remember that warning, I
104 THE LONELY PILGRIM

suppose. So through this little stone you were put to a

test, and, in my opinion, you have passed it. You
can’t imagine how glad I am at your success! And
didn’t you learn an excellent lesson in addition? Now
don’t be careless in future and think glibly that you
can find many stones for the lost one. Learn to pre¬
serve carefully every little useful thing we have.”
“Bapuji!” I replied now restored, “if ever I
took God’s name from the very depths of my heart,
it was today.” “Yes,” agreed Bapuji, “one is reminded
of God only when one is in trouble. And still, how
infinite is God’s grace! Man simply forgets God in
his happy days, and yet on the most perfunctory re¬
membrance of Him, God comes to his rescue when
he is afflicted and saves him.”
This sudden, entirely unforeseen calamity took
up my time up to midday. No other work could be done.
As it was already 1.30 p.m. Bapuji advised me,
“You may be hungry. You can eat something if you
like. But I suggest that you take only cocoanut water
or a fruit and then some rest. That will refresh you.”
“But I have so much work on hand still!” I objected;
“I shall first wash the clothes and finish all my work.
I shall then have my meal.”
Bapuji did not like it but said nothing.
He sees that his treatment of me is just and kind.
If he sent me afar in the blazing sun, he also insisted
that I should have only light food and sufficient rest
to be refreshed. That is Bapuji all over, and one
does get good training at his hands.
The evening prayers were held as usual. During
the walk that followed, Bapuji said, “I, at least, would
have danced with joy if bad characters had laid hands
on you and you had died resisting them. But if you
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 105

had run down here in fright, I would have been very

unhappy. There was a definite purpose in sending
you today. I took the occasion of the loss of the
stone to test your courage. It cannot have struck
you what serious risk I was undertaking in sending
you thus alone and helpless. I always wanted to know
how much you have assimilated of that song The
Lonely Pilgrim, which you sing so lustily. Then God
willed it so and you forgot the stone; thus, things turned
out as I wished. Realize from this incident, how hard-
hearted I can be. I myself knew it only today and you
must have certainly come to know of it by now.”
Bapuji had not seen my diary ever since we left
Lamchar; I, therefore, hurriedly read it to him in 20
minutes on our return from the walk.
Then he listened to the papers. Preparation
for sleep at 9.30 p.m. Bapuji spun 120 rounds today.
There was no change in his meal except that he
reduced his milk to 6 oz. from his usual 8.
[Bapu, 15-1-’47, Narayanpur]
Ramdevpur,
16-l-547

Bapuji roused me from sleep at 3 a.m. and asked

me to stretch my limbs full length as I had contracted
them against the cold.
Then he said, <c. . . You have been doing every¬
thing till now on the basis of your simple faith in me.
But you will be entirely transformed if you do every¬
thing henceforth with a background of wisdom and
understanding. Our faith should not be blind, but
enlightened with knowledge. For instance, a man
may learn the alphabet or even the words of a lan¬
guage; but if he does not understand the significance
106 THE LONELY PILGRIM

of the letters and of the symbols like those which make

for example, a short, £i5 or long ‘ee’ or puts punctua¬
tion marks like commas, semicolons, full stop etc. at
random, it is quite possible that he may in his ignorance
write a sentence meaning just the opposite to the one
intended. In the same way you must no longer rely
upon simple faith alone but must saturate it with
knowledge and wisdom. Let me remind you in this
context of some of the Gita verses:
Whate’er the fire burns
Down to ashes it turns;
And so does wisdom burn
The Karma which you earn
By actions fair and foul;
And frees from them the soul. 1
Nothing sacred more
Than wisdom full of lore;
The sage in course of time
Attains that state sublime,
When he has fixed himself
By yoga within the Self. 2
When mind’s control he gains,
By faith which him sustains,
Steady he ever remains
And love for God retains;
Then wisdom he attains
And lasting peace obtains. 3
With mind where doubt resides.
Ignorant folly besides,
That doubting faithless soul
To drift in life his. role
On earth, in heavens above
Is lost sans faith, sans love. 4
(iv. 37-40)
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 107

“So you should cultivate faith, but faith imbued

with knowledge and wisdom.”
It was prayer time by then. After that Nirmalda
showed his translation of the prayer speech to Bapu.
When I was writing my diary . . . came, inquired
what preparations his village should make before
Bapuji’s arrival there, and went back. We left Nara-
yanpur at 7.30 a.m. We had to walk a longer distance
than was usual to come here, and it was intensely cold,
with no sunshine. Bapuji found on the way that the
bandage on his right big toe had loosened and was
left somewhere behind. He said, “That bandage
must be recovered somehow.” One of Col. Jivan-
sinha’s men went back nearly half the distance and
returned with it. Seeing it Bapuji was delighted and
remarked, “I am so glad! What a great loss to India
it would be if we lose even a strip of cloth through
idleness!”
On the way, Bapuji visited a garden-house of a
Muslim family, as the lady of the house had prepared
warm water to wash his feet. We reached here at
8.45 a.m. Here also hot water for his feet was ready.
This is Kanubhai’s village. He has made excellent
arrangements for Bapuji’s halt here. He had already
set up the bath and massage rooms and I had practi¬
cally nothing to get ready. Bapuji was shown the
famous dandiya ras* of Saurashtra while his feet were
being washed.
The Bengali children here were very well trained
by Kanubhai in this dance of far-off Saurashtra. As
the couplet in adoration of Rama and Sita was repeated

*A group circular dance where dancers hold small sticks to

beat time.
108 THE LONELY PILGRIM

again and again, the dance gathered momentum, with

varying movements to keep time with the beating of
the sticks. Bapuji liked this programme especially as
it was performed while his feet were being washed and
hence no time had to be allocated for it.
. . . asked me to let him massage Bapuji today.
I replied, “Yes, you may, if you feel like doing it. I
know quite well how happy one feels at having an
opportunity to serve him. I can’t deny you that joy.”
But Bapuji disapproved of the idea.
“It is my nature,” he remarked afterwards, “to
prefer having things done the same way without any
change in routine. I didn’t like the alteration today.
You should have shown . . . where his duty lay. I
want to cultivate in you courage enough to speak out
plainly^how you feel about matters. You should
have told him, ‘Not service of Bapuji’s person but of
the village where you are posted is the essential thing
for you. It is a sin if you fail in your duty even in the
slightest degree. And how can you attend on Bapuji
except by stealing that much time from your service to
the village? Had he not come here, would you not
have spent that same time (given for the massage) in
looking after the village ?’ When you get courage equal
to speaking out plainly like this, I shall feel that what¬
ever the circumstances, you are sure to cope. No
thought of offence or pleasing others should deter one
from uttering the truth. Our language should cer¬
tainly be confined to the limits of civility. If we change
our ways to please others, we can never make any head¬
way in the world. You know what I mean by this
advice. A child generally likes to eat sweet things,
but the mother has to be firm sometimes and give him
bitter pills to cure him or maintain his health.”
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 109

After massage and bath, Bapuji went inside and

had his meal—very little puffed rice, milk 8 oz.,
khakharas, some vegetable and sandesh. Immediately
afterwards, he came out again to bask in the sun.
Some women approached Bapuji at 3 p.m. when
he was spinning, and presented him with self-spun
Khadi. Bapuji told them, “In just the same way, you
should spin enough to make Khaddar for your own
family. You should mix with Muslim sisters and make
them your own, and cultivate in them, too, the same
sense of art and the skill of hands which you
have. If you do that, they will say that Hindus and
Muslims are in an equal number here, instead of
saying, as at present, that Muslims are in a. majority.
There are many things in which women succeed,
while men fail.”
When they had gone, Bapuji had the mud-packs
and dictated some letters. Then he got up and had
one ramafal and some whey.* After prayers he wrote
his prayer speech. Shri Reddiji performed a Kathakalif
dance. Bapuji listened to the newspapers being read
aloud and dropped off to sleep at 10.30 p.m.
[Bapu, Parakot, 17-l-547, Friday]

Parakot,
17-l-’47

Prayers and warm water as per routine. Bapuji

had a nap of 10 minutes and then drank some pine¬
apple juice. We left Ramdevpur at 7.40 for this place.
Both the groups of devotional singers from Ramdevpur
* Watery liquid separated from milk by adding lime
juice to it.
j-A South Indian type
 110 THE LONELY PILGRIM

and Parakot were with us. The number of dwellings

that had been destroyed en rpute was unusually large.
We arrived here at 8.30 a.m. After washing his feet,
I prepared for his massage and bath, but as there was
no sunshine, they were delayed and Bapuji did some
other work. So it was 11 a.m. when Bapuji finished
his massage and bath today. He had his usual meal
and his noon-day rest also in the sunshine. It took
me an hour to clean Bapuji’s feet, wash clothes and
the utensils. At 2 p.m. Bapuji got up. Had cocoa-
nut-water. At 3.30 he had the mud-packs. At
4 he attended a ladies5 meeting, where he exhorted
them to spin, to mix freely with-Muslim sisters and
keep the surroundings of their houses clean.

Coming back, he had a banana, milk and prunes.

Then to prayers, and from there to a Muslim locality.
Bapuji returned thoroughly exhausted. After I
washed his feet, he revised his prayer-discourse.
Then the Bengali lesson, which ended at 9 p.m. When
I was pressing his legs, Bapuji told me in a very loving
parental tone, “Do tell me whenever you feel tired. I
was deeply moved to see you today running with a
full bucket in hand to bring water for my bath. I
felt I was heartless and exacting too much work from
you. So, don’t be constrained. Speak out. If you
happen to get ill here, there is no way out. Don’t
have any doubts about this. I long to see you rest
for half an hour in the afternoons. But I am both
grieved and astonished to find that I can’t manage to
provide even that little half an hour in which you
should rest. I can easily do so if you help me. I
don’t let you have a minute’s rest. Though I like
the idea of constant work, it shouldn’t be an unbea-
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 111

rable burden to you. I have no objection if you can

bear the load.”
“Now, please, don’t worry about me!” I re¬
assured him. “I have a rare opportunity to learn from
you, you know!”
With endearing words like these, Bapuji went off
to sleep; it was 11 p.m. before my work for the day
ended, and I too could retire.
Bapuji’s conversation was filled with affection
greater than any mother could feel. What a deep loving
insight into my needs! And that in the midst of all
his worries! How deeply was he moved to see me
fetch a bucket for him! Which male shows motherly
care and love such as he does? But Bapuji has often
told me that he wants to cultivate and present to the
world an ideal of the perfect man who is a perfect
mother as well, like the many ideals he has given us
of truth, non-violence, non-possession, equal treatment
to all castes, etc. “Our sublime culture can last for
ever,” he says, “only if our men have the same loving
eye for all women, as a mother has for her child.”
And oh, joy! Iam actually having that experience!
It is I who am that beloved child of Mother Bapu!
I am immensely happy at my rare good fortune.
[Bapu, Badalkot, 18-l-’47, Saturday]

Badalkot,
18-l-’47, Saturday

Bapuji got up at 3-15 a.m. Waking me up he

said, “I had such sound sleep. Hadn’t to get up even
once! I am so glad!”
After prayers Bapuji wrote his discourse, aiid spent
the rest of the time in talks with . . . and . . . : he
112 THE LONELY PILGRIM

relaxed only for 10 minutes. At 7-35 a.m. we started

from Parakot. Halted on the way at a Muslim home
where he saluted all the members of the family. Our
daily routine was carried out as usual. He had his
meal at 10 a.m. after massage and bath. He had the
usual khakharas, vegetable and milk.
I was free from household work at 2 p.m. Gave
him the mud-packs at 2.30., pressed his legs and
rested for 15 minutes. At 3 p.m. there was a ladies’
meeting which was very well attended.
He took only milk and one banana in the evening.
Went to sleep at nearly 10 p.m. The improvement
in the big toe of his right foot continues. Taking
all factors into consideration, he keeps fairly good
health, though he has lessened his hours of sleep, takes
a very sparing diet, and overtaxes himself. The cold
here is almost unbearable. It is quite clear that the
fountain from whom springs this strength is none else
but God Himself!
Atakora, 19-1 -’47
He woke up at 3-30 a.m. as is now usual. Then
he brushed his teeth and attended prayers. I could
not heat the water for his bath at the usual time; this
delayed his fruit-juice ritual. In the evening I take
the wood for kindling indoors to save it from
getting wet in the early morning dew. But I forgot
to do so last evening and the wood was wet and could
not be ignited easily. So, I tore a long strip from my
worn-out sari, wound it to make a wick and dipped
it into the kerosene oil in the lantern. I did not
know that Bapuji was behind me, observing everything.
As soon as I took out a match from a box to light the
wick, Bapuji intervened and said,“Just show me that
wick, please!” I gave it to him.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 113

Bapuji unwound it and said, “Wash off the oil

and dry it in the sun. I am sorry for the waste of so
much kerosene. But I had to choose between two evils.
If I save the oil, I lose the lace and vice versa. Between
the two, the advantage definitely lies in saving the
lace. Can anybody ever use such a long strip as a
wick? You know how close-fisted I am, specially as
I am a Bania* by birth. What harm if the water is
heated a little later ? What a large quantity of oil has
been sucked up by the wick! And that long strip too
would have turned to ashes if I hadn’t chanced to
see it in the nick of time!”
“Now, now!” I remonstrated, “isn’t it too much
fuss over a strip of cloth?”
“Indeed!” retorted Bapuji. “You have a liberal
father. I haven’t one to provide me with things!
There’s always a serious lesson even in my jests. It’s
enough for you if you can catch that.”
I washed off the smell of that ‘lace’. But even
before it was dry there were 2 or 3 inquiries from him
concerning it. The incident ended only when it was
quite dry and actually used as a lace for my
surwar.
Then Bapuji attended to the post and I to my
own work. Today he told me to carry all my things
myself as a bottle of yeast sent ahead had been
broken yesterday. At 7-35 we left Badalkot.
The track was exceptionally bad today. Sardar
Jivansinha slipped and fell down twice. With great
difficulty could we both — Bapu and myself—walk
abreast. Sometimes he had to let go of me and rely
for support on his wooden stick only, dhen again,

*A merchant community known for its thrift

L-8
 114 THE LONELY PILGRIM

though the route was swept clean by the workers here,

some Muslim boys had deliberately soiled it at night.
One or two workers had actually seen them doing so.
As I was a little behind, I didn’t know that Bapuji
himself was removing the lumps of excreta etc. by
means of leaves. But my sight was arrested at the sud¬
den halt of the entire group. (The track was so
narrow that we could pass only single file). When I
came to know the reason, I was nettled. “Why do
you put me to shame?” I questioned Bapuji sharply,
“Couldn’t you have asked me to clean it instead of
doing it yourself?”
But Bapuji as usual laughed and replied, “Do
you know how happy I feel when I get a chance to
do such things? You wouldn’t have been put out
if you knew.”
The villagers too irritated me, for they were simp¬
ly looking on, doing nothing. ‘Stupid boors!’ I
could not help thinking; ‘they simply stand and stare
like lifeless statues when the world-honoured Bapuji
stoops down to clear the track of such rubbish! I won¬
der why they are not ashamed of their conduct!’
But Bapuji soothed me. “You will see” he said,
“that from tomorrow I shall not have to clean dirty
tracks myself. This will teach them a lesson that the
work is neither too low nor too dirty for them. But it
will hurt me if they do the work simply for my sake.”
“What will you do,” I queried, “if they do it
only tomorrow in your presence and never again?”
“I’ll send you to inspect it,” Bapuji had a ready
answer, “and if we find that the route is again dirty,
I will go back to clean it myself. It’s my job to clean
anything where dirt settles.”
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 115

Is it not superfluous to show at length how per¬

fectly true this last statement of Bapuji’s is? It has
been undoubtedly his occupation as well as pre¬
occupation to remove dirt wherever he finds it, begin¬
ning from actual dirt in small things to that in big
important matters like life, business, politics, reli¬
gion etc. And verily he has purified us in many ways.
I for one have been observing it all along. And the
beauty of it is that those very things which we dismiss
as trifles or of little account, he proves as especially
important or useful. Then we realize that it is these
little things that matter most in living our lives in the
right way.

On the way we came across a madresa* where the

classes were held in the open air. The foot-path there
was so narrow that Col. Jivansinhaji slipped and
fell. He has a physique well-trained and inured to
the mountains; and he was a regular soldier in addi¬
tion. When such a man as he loses his balance, one
can easily imagine how dangerous the track could
be for Bapuji. He was highly amused to find Col.
Jivansinhaji slipping, and remarked, “If the salt
loseth its savour wherewith shall it be salted?”

Our appearance alarmed the boys and girls of

the madresa and they ran away helter-skelter. Bapuji
tried to greet them but nobody responded. Abdulla
Saheb asked them to continue their work undisturb¬
ed. This reminded me of Narasinha Bhagat’s lines
wherein he says that a man gets exactly what he is
destined to get at the time appointed for it.
‘How unlucky these people are!’ I thought;

*An Islamic School

116 THE LONELY PILGRIM

c it’s uncommon good luck to have a glimpse of such a

man as Bapuji; and here he comes of his own accord
and presents himself before them; but alas! they have
eyes but see not! Such are the strange ways of Fate!’

Atakor may be only about 2 miles away; but it

took us an hour to get here.

I began my daily routine after washing Bapuji’s

feet on arrival. As it was cloudy, the massage and
bath had to be delayed. Bapuji did some other work
instead. He shaved himself during the massage; so
these two things were done simultaneously.

In the evening we visited the home of a very old

man. He was both deaf and infirm, but he stood up
to receive Bapuji, who gave the old man a loving
tap on his cheek. His old and feeble wife also came
out just then. She gave her husband a garland of
camphor and kept one for herself Both of them then
garlanded Bapuji. The old dame was visibly trembling.
She clutched Bapuji’s hands and reverently passed
them over her body and felt herself thus purified.
She had kept with herself two cocoanuts, especially
sweet, to give them to Bapuji. She did so and pressed
him to accept the cocoanuts and drink their water.
I was inevitably taken back to the episode of Rama
meeting the old dame Shabari. There was a similar
green jungle all around us, and as Rama ate those
berries of Shabari, Bapuji also lovingly accepted the
cocoanuts.

And what a wonder! The first thing that met my

eyes, as I opened the Ramayana today for my daily
religious practice, were the following well-known
lines:
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 117

When Rama came,

The loving dame
Gave tasted fruits
And sweetest roots
And Rama withal
Enjoyed them all;
This aged host
He loved the most.

And when later on I gave to Bapuji the water

of those two cocoanuts kept for him by the aged
couple, that scene from the Ramayana again passed
before my eyes. It is-Bapuji’s rule to take nothing after
his evening meal, but he went out of his way, drank
the water of one cocoanut himself and made me, too,
gulp down of the second. Joy suffused his face when he
did so. On our return he remarked, “It’s always a joy
to meet people of the same age. Both of them must be
about eighty, perhaps more.”

Bapuji could not spin in the afternoon as he

was engaged in serious deliberations. He is spinning
now (it is 7-30 p.m.). Shailenbhai is reading the
papers to him, and I am writing my diary.

JV.B.After spinning he listened to my diary at

9-30 p.m. Off to sleep after signing it.

Shirandi,
20-l-’47

Bapuji woke up late at 5-15 a.m. today. After

prayers he drank warm water with honey. Then
giving him fruit-juice and packing up the luggage,
I went to examine our track of yesterday; it was as
dirty as before. Instead of going back to report to
 118 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Bapuji, however, I began to clean it myself. The

work was soon finished in 15 minutes as the vil¬
lage people had joined me in the work. Then they told
me, “Please don’t come here tomorrow. We shall clean
it ourselves.”
Referring to it, Bapuji remarked at the end of
his silence, “So you have robbed me of a good deed
and its virtue! I wanted to clean it myself. It’s all
right, however. Two things have been accomplished
now. In the first place, cleanliness will be kept up
henceforth; and then, if they keep their word, the
people here will learn to be truthful-—a thing they
are unaccustomed to. You know, people in Kathia-
wad too have this dirty habit of soiling streets. Never
be under the delusion that the nasty habit of
spitting and committing nuisance anywhere and
everywhere prevails only here. Many people in
India are affected with this dirty habit, and hence the
places are filthy in Kathiawad specially. From
childhood, therefore, I used to cherish the desire to
reform our people, but as fate would have it, I could
not stay long in Kathiawad; your anger against
me was quite misplaced; regarding cleanliness, I ob¬
serve for myself, the same rule of self-help which
obtains in eating; I cannot fill my stomach unless I
eat the food myself, and not if somebody eats it on
my behalf. So I am really exceedingly happy in
cleaning anything myself.”
Bapuji today went ahead of me to Shirandi, as
Amtussalaambahen was on a fast there for some days
past. Shirandi is her field of service and it was whis¬
pered that some Muslim brothers had hidden arms
in the village. That her own brothers of the same
Faith should do such a detestable thing shocked her.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 119

She comes of a highly noble and cultured Muslim

family and is more than a daughter to Bapuji. She
has made in the past a signal contribution to the
work of Hindu-Muslim unity and continues to do so.
Slim and weak in appearance, and aged about fifty,
she is wearing herself out in the work. She went on a
fast in Noakhali and emerged from her death-bed
as it were.

Nirmalda and I alone were left behind and there

was no one else to share with us the burden of the
luggage. So we found it really difficult to carry it
with us. But Bapuji halted at one or two Muslim
brothers’ houses and we could catch up with him.

Amtussalaam bahen has grown very very weak.

Bapuji asked her to have her bed brought outside
and have a sunbath.
Bapuji carried on negotiations with Muslim
brothers the whole day through to end the fast.
Amtussalaambahen desires to listen to the Gita
or the Koran or a hymn all through her waking hours;
and they read them to her in turn.

At long last, the Muslim brothers agreed on the

terms of a compromise which was drafted late at
9 p.m. and the fast was thus concluded. After a prayer
of thanksgiving to God for the happy end of the fast,
Amtussalaambahen took a glass of sweet lemon juice
from Bapuji’s hands and pieces of the sandesh were
given to all present in the celebration. The whole
atmosphere was transformed into one of joy and
every one felt at ease.

Bapuji lay down to sleep as late as at 11 p.m.

He is thoroughly done up from talking all day.
120 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Kethuri,
21 -1 -’47
Morning prayers as usual, but conducted by
Sushilabahen. I gave Bapuji his warm water and left
him, in order to pack the luggage.
It was 7 a.m. by then. Bapuji got up, approach¬
ed Amtussalaambahen and bid her adieu before
proceeding onwards. Some ladies put vermilion marks
on Bapuji’s forehead, bowed down to him and left.
Then we started.
As Ramachandraji too, left us today, I was hard
hit. He is taken ill. Bapuji remarked, “The man
came to me suddenly. Was a soldier formerly. Then
joined the I.N.A.; and finally told me that he wanted
to spend all his remaining life in serving me; but I
suspect foul play there. But what has that to do with
me? My whole life has been moulded that way.”
Then in this context he was reminded of a story from
the Mahabharata. “After the Great War,” he said,
“all the five Pandavas and Draupadi left their king¬
dom to go to a forest; from there they proceeded to
ascend to the heavens. All those who accompanied
Yudhishthira fell off, one by one. Even Draupadi
could not keep up. Only a dog was left with him. In
the same way, during the progress of this sacri¬
fice, one after another is dropping off. But I like it.
And is it possible that you alone may be with me
to the end? This story can be interpreted in a way
that teaches us an excellent lesson. A dog is an insigni¬
ficant animal, of no count at all. What merit then
must it have earned that it could survive, when the
five stalwarts fell dead? The reason is its loyalty and
devotion. So there is no reason to assume that indi¬
viduals considered ‘great5 never sin but only those of
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 121
no account do. The so-called ‘just ordinary' are some¬
times really ahead of cthe great and big’.55

In the evening a Muslim brother, Hunarbhai,

came up to stay with us. He has been sent by Sundar-
lalji. Bapuji suggested that he should learn to be
self-reliant for all his needs including cooking. The
first work he was asked to do was to clean the
latrine. I was really moved to pity for him. And
Bapuji puts every newcomer to a difficult test. But
I knew I should not help him in any way. If ever I
showed him the slightest sympathy, and Bapuji came
to know of it, I would be severely taken to task. So
I had to be hard on myself and leave him, though
my heart was filled with pity. If I but lingered to have
a talk with him, I feared, my mind might relent and
I might begin helping him almost unawares. 'Let
me be off,5 I thought, ‘there's danger in watching
him.’

I related all my inner struggles to Bapuji. “I

won’t call it sympathy at all,” he remarked, “it was
in fact want of it. My sympathy is different. There
are some actions which, woven into a man’s pattern
of life make for progress. They are thus both useful
and necessary to him, though they may be hard to
learn at first. To cripple a man doing them by lend¬
ing a helping hand is not ‘sympathy’ but cruelty.
Suppose a patient has a serious disease in the stomach
and an operation is necessary. If a surgeon then says,
‘The poor man will bleed and suffer, if I use my
knife,’ he is a worthless doctor even though he may
be a F.R.C.S.That operation has got to be performed
and the diseased part taken out. So the ‘pity’ that
moved you wasn’t pity at all. You did a wise thing
122 THE LONELY PILGRIM

in not going to his aid. I don’t know what I would

have done otherwise.”
What a subtlety in Bapuji’s philosophy and deeds!
I doubt if any professor would have explained in such
detail this to me even if I had gone to a college.
The usual food was taken in his morning meal.
In the evening, after prayers, he took only condensed
cocoanut oil and whey. The prayer-speech referred
to the fast of Amtussalaambahen. The Muslim men
who were present at first insisted that the report of that
speech should not go to the press. But Bapuji suc¬
ceeded in making them agree to its publication on
the ground that what was known to all here should
not be withheld from the press. There was definitely
a motive behind this move for hush-hush. But
Bapuji was not a man to fall in with other people’s
wishes. So, the report was finally published.
At 10 p.m. he went to sleep after listening to the
newspapers. I was very busy with work the whole
day. All our bed-sheets were added to the heap of
washing I had to do today. The cotton from Bapuji’s
pillow was tajcen out, dried in the sun and the pillow
was refilled and sewn. I also dusted and cleaned all
the household articles and did much writing work.
So when I wrote a letter home late at night, I was
very drowsy and almost sleeping, and I don’t know
when sleep completely overpowered me. When I
woke up in the morning, I found everything — pen,
paper, etc., — lying scattered on the ground. But to¬
night Bapuji too was much tired and sound asleep
before I was off. That saved me from his rebuke. But
the next morning when he got up he saw the dis¬
order in the room and asked me the reason for it. I
told him all I had done. “Don’t I say,” he commented,
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 123

4£that there’s nobody on earth who can cheat me?

I have expressly forbidden you to keep awake after I
get to sleep; and still you stealthily attempted to do so
and finish the work. But God filled your eyes with
sleep. What does that signify? That’s why I firmly
believe that even murder will be out. Now beware
from this example and don’t do it again.”
This is a small thing of course; but one has but to
conclude therefrom that the man who tries to get the
better of Bapuji ends in being subjugated himself.

Paniyala,
22-1 -’47
Today is the monthly anniversary of the day of
revered grandma’s demise. Bapuji, therefore, got up
early and woke me up also. After brushing his teeth,
prayers were said and then the entire Bhagavad-
gita was recited as was customary on this day. I was
alone for this last item. Bapuji was too tired, and has
been so since yesterday.
I heated water after the prayers but found that
the bottle of honey was missing. Somebody seems to
have pilfered it. I am certain that I had kept ready
overnight everything needed today, but found in the
morning that the bottle had taken itself wings! But
fortunately Anudidi had with her a very superior
quality of gur. I poured hot water over a lump of it
and squeezed a lemon too. Bapuji took that drink.
“No harm!” he remarked, “what will poor people
do with it except to feed themselves? We can manage
quite as well with gur. So don’t make a fuss to find out
who took the bottle away.”
After prayers, Bapuji began revising some papers
and fell asleep with the papers in hand. He was sure
124 THE LONELY PILGRIM

to wake up if I tried to get them away from his

tight grip. So I did not and was late in packing up the
last bundle. I had therefore still to complete the final
arrangements for our start, though the singers had al¬
ready arrived and a big crowd had been waiting for
the last 5 minutes.
“The people have been waiting,” Bapuji re¬
minded me sharply. “This is like stealing 5 minutes
from 500 people. I can’t bear it. I am going. You may
follow. But don’t suffer from the delusion from this
instance, that you can go on being late; [and that I
shall go ahead, and you can catch up with me later.
This time you are absolved, because you are still a
young girl and I am an old man. All the same it is a
crime. From now on you must be punctual to the
second. If I made an appointment with a person to
start at 7, it would prick me like a thorn if I am late
by 2 seconds. It was your duty to wake me up. Had
you taken away the papers even if it meant waking me
from slumber, it would have been a good deed and
a creditable discharge of duty on your part.”
The rest of the work followed the pattern of the
daily routine. I had been running a temperature since
the morning. At 11 a.m. it rose to 103°, but I kept the
news from Bapuji, for then he would definitely make
me spread out my bed and lie down. At about 2 p.m.
it mounted to 104°; and I had to lie down willy-nilly;
but at 4 p.m. it came down to normal. Then I gave
the mud-packs to Bapuji. I was so glad I could get
back into harness with only two hours of rest! Lying
stretched out with the mud-packs on, Bapuji went
through my diary and signed it.
It rained rather heavily during the evening pray¬
ers. I wrapped a cotton sheet around Bapu, but both he
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 125
and I were thoroughly drenched in a few minutes.
Not a single person from the audience got
up to leave. Muslim brothers had gathered in large
numbers. An old long-forgotten Dhuna recurred to my
mmd for the mass singing after the hymn. That
couplet was well received by the people who beat
time to it by clapping their hands. This is it:
O Rama! Sita-Rama! O Raghu-race-born!
O Saviour of sinners, the Help of the lorn!
Allah and God are but names given Thee,
Grant us intelligence, unclouded and free.

Though I sang the couplet in a fit of enthu¬

siasm, I wondered how Bapuji would react to my
impudence in singing it without his prior sanction.
But in the discourse which followed, Bapuji refer¬
red to it in glowing terms. There was no end to my
joy and satisfaction at his praise.
On our return from prayers, Bapuji spoke of it
again, “I was charmed with the Dhuna you chose to¬
day. The people also appreciated it. Whence did you
pick it up? Or did you compose it yourself?”
I gave him its history. There Was a mandap* which
still stands in the Sudama Temple in Porbandar;
there, a Brahmana preceptor used to tell his Katha\
to the people. When the Katha was over for the night,
this Brahmana preceptor usually began a Dhuna in
which members of all communities could take part.
I used to accompany mummy, when I was about 8 or
10, and listen to his simple edifying stories. There,

*A big hall
|A religious story interspersed with songs. The rhythm was
beaten out on an empty brass jar.
 I
126 THE LONELY PILGRIM

I had heard this Dhuna once. Here, of course, it was a

surprise to me, when it entered my mind.

“God himself breathed it into your mind,” replied

Bapuji evidently pleased. “How wonderful are His
ways of helping me in this sacrifice! My faith in His
divine power grows from strength to strength. The
more I find myself opposed in my mission, the more
determined I get in my resolve to fulfil it. God is with
me. See how very much He helps me. Today’s
Ramadhuna is a fresh proof of it.”

“Yes,” he continued, “that type of (fraternity)

was really what prevailed in the past and held us.
together. Sing this Dhuna daily from now on. It
seems as if God suggested this Dhuna to you just
at the right time when the situation is so trying..
Fresh life was infused in the prayers, when the
spirit was lagging. Sometimes when going with
parents to attend a mass singing of prayers etc. one
absorbs that ‘something’ in childhood which plays a
significant part in moulding him all his life through..
I, too, used to go to the Ramji Temple in Porbandar*
and enjoyed it. But all that is now becoming a thing
of the past. So, in Sudamaji’s temple and by a Brah-
mana to boot, Allah’s name was taken in the most
natural unaffected manner! This dirtv mist of com-
munal hatred has been gathering for the last 5 or 6
years only.” On his return from the evening walk he
had some whey and some condensed cocoanut oil.
Then after spinning and listening to the papers he was
off to sleep at 9-30 p.m. As I had not spun during the
day, I did it and slept at 10 p.m.

* Gandhiji’s birth-place in Saurashtra

 THE FIERY ORDEAL 127
As I was quite soaked with rain at the prayer
meeting I am again running a temperature, but
now that it is time to go to bed, it doesn’t matter.

Dalta,
23-1 -547
Bapuji slept soundly throughout the night. He
woke up only when Sardar Jivansinhaji came and
roused him. Prayers as usual. When he was sipping
his hot water, lie talked to ... , first about his acti¬
vities and then about his children. In a very en¬
lightening and impressive talk worth recounting, he
dwelt upon the duties and responsibilities of parents
and how they should discharge them at present:
“ . . .is quite a stranger to truth. Many com¬
plaints about him have reached me. Parents are to
blame, I think, if their children turn out wild. How
is it that none of your many children has learnt
your virtue? Because you never paid any attention
to any of them. Parents beget children in profusion
but do not care about their education, good habits
and manners. That is how our people have made a
mess of our land, merely to satisfy their lust for
power and wealth. Take my own example: At the
time Harilal was born, I didn’t pay as much attention
to him as a father should. Left him while still a baby
to go to England. And you know the result. The best
thing you can now do for your son’s good is to marry
him off. . . . would have lost her character, had she
not been given away in marriage.
Bapuji then told him something about me. “I
have never said a word to Manu or what . . . told
me about her out of sheer jealousy; and I am never
going to speak to her about it.”
128 THE LONELY PILGRIM

This last reference to me upset me. I wondered

what had been said against me to Bapuji, since I
have never antagonized anyone. I continued to brood
over these matters right from Paniyala to Dalta. In
my grief over that talk between Bapuji and . . . ,
the hymn of the ‘The Lonely Pilgrim5 entirely escaped
my mind. We generally sing it on our daily march.
So, when we came here and I was washing Bapu-
ji’s feet in moody silence, he talked to me in a gentle,
loving manner and said, “You weren’t singing in your
usual joyous way during the march today. Speak out.
What’s the matter? Are you worried? Aren’t you quite
well?” I replied that I would tell him all about it
later on.
He reverted to the subject when I was attending
him during his bath after the massage: “If you feel
like it now, tell me what ails you.” I told him all
that had been passing in my mind since the morning
and added that I was pained to learn that I was the
cause of their sorrow.
“Why should you be so touchy?” he comforted
me. “Am I not also a target for abuse and slander
from many people? Are there not people who envy
me? But if I go on paying attention to other people’s
criticisms, I may end in forgetting to listen to my
own conscience and go stark mad! That’s exactly
why I didn’t tell you what . . . had said to me
about you. I didn’t wish to say anything in your pre¬
sence even today. But you were quietly absorbed in
your work and there was nothing private in my talk
with. . . . He is a good-natured man and a recluse
by inclination. I scolded him severely for neglect¬
ing his children! And yet didn’t you notice, that he
uttered not a word in reply? That is exactly why I
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 129
make such a good man my own. You, too, should try
to see the good in others and overlook their faults.
-L/on’t you know my Guru—the monkeys?* If ever we
knd any one slandering us, we should dance with
joy. You know the hymn which says, ‘Verily the
caviller is my dear brother’.”
These soothing words of Bapuji revived my flag¬
ging spirits, and X felt convinced that life would not be
worth living if one became depressed by such trifles.
“The real zest in life,” he concluded, “lies in com¬
ing unscathed through an ordeal and through a hostile
environment created by backbiting and adverse criti¬
cism. Only then can we ascertain the strength of
our faith in God, and know definitely whether we are
true followers of God or mere humbugs. Let me
remind you oi that excellent psalm you sing:

Be not down with a sick pale cast,

When trouble’s clouds rush thick and fast,
Or tires with his heat the scorching sun;
Rest not, press on, till the goal is won.

Though the whole song is pithy and inspiring,

this stanza is the best antidote for your present mood
of depression.”
Bapuji took a long time for his bath today, as he
was deeply immersed in giving me this uplifting ad¬
vice. Speech flowed from his lips in an incessant
stream. I knew it was getting very late, but did not
like to interrupt and remind him of it and spoil the
*This is a reference to the Chinese toy of a set of three monkeys
sitting with eyes, ears and mouth closed, to signify refusal to
see, hear and speak evil. Bapu always had it before him as a
constant reminder.

L-9
130 THE LONELY PILGRIM

trend of his thoughts. Every word that he utteied

was charged with wisdom.
This village provides a few more comforts than
some of the others we have visited, and is charm¬
ing besides; but there is much humidity in the air,
and so everything is damp. The chief host was kind¬
ness itself to me when I took my meals. Bapuji did his
Bengali lesson as usual. Among the letters received
today in the post were those of Sardardada, Jawahar-
lalji and Shuaib. There was one from Birlaji too. To
Sardar Saheb Bapuji wrote a simple little note.
Birlaji’s men had brought some oranges. The replies
were sent through them.
For his midday meal Bapuji ate his usual food,
but in the evening he had only honey and wiiey.
Much of his time today was spent in writing, as the
post was heavy and all the letters were replied to by
himself personally. Then he went to bed. His spinning
came to 120 rounds today. He used only hand-carded
slivers.
Muriyam,
24-l-’47, Saturday

Prayers as per programme. Much oi his time

was later wasted in looking for papers of his draft
resolution on Assam. Nirmalda too joined in the
search, but in vain. Perhaps they were sent to Cal¬
cutta along with the other papers in Nirmalda’s file.
Then Bapu listened to my diary and signed it. When
I was doubling his yarn, and he was doing his Bengali
lesson, he dozed off for 15 minutes. I pressed his legs.
When I finished, it was time to start on our march.
We arrived here at 8 a.m., as Muriyam is only two
and a half miles from Dalta.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 131

We are staying in the garden-house of a very

nice Muslim family who are favourably disposed to
us. The owner of the house is Habibulla Saheb *
Patwari. Very lovingly did the Muslim brothers here
embrace Bapuji. Maulvi Saheb provided us with all
the help we needed. He took me to the ladies of the
harem, and introduced us to one another and earnest¬
ly urged me to bring Bapuji to meet the ladies when he
could spare some time to do so. Then, after finishing
Bapuji’s massage and bath, I got down to my daily
routine. When Bapuji emerged from his bath, I took
him to our hostesses. All of them devoutly saluted Bapu¬
ji. Some of them felt shy, but Bapuji exhorted them
thus, “I am old enough to be your father. No lady,
young or old, observes purdah in my presence. If one
desires to maintain purdah, it must be done in the right
way — in the heart. Take off thisfalse purdah. Tohave
a veil to cover the outer crust (the body) though the
inside (the mind) is filled with passion is nothing but
sin.”
Habib Saheb translated it very neatly and empha¬
sized the point himself: “Today we are purified. We
are sinners, because there is a dark stain on our com¬
munity for the murders of Hindus; and an angel from
God has come to our house today. How can we observe
purdah when we have this rare chance to get purified
by a glimpse of Bapu?”
That brought out the ladies. Bapuji distributed
little pieces of sandesh to the children.

He drew the attention of the ladies to cleanliness,

and advised them thus: “You must be clean within
and without.” This was, literally, the first time when
we were able to mingle with the family of the host
132 THE LONELY PILGRIM

almost as its members. Bapuji’s patience and long

suffering seem to have won the round here!
Bapuji used to greet all the Muslims he met as
brothers, but they considered him their enemy. But,
he won their hearts in the end by his love, tolerance
and forbearance.
There was no change in his midday meal, except
that he ate only one khakhara and one ramafala
which Habib Saheb had brought specially for him.
Thereafter he lay down to sleep. I rubbed ghee on his
legs, took my bath and washed our clothes. When
Bapuji woke up I gave him some cocoanut-water.
He was quite annoyed to find that I had not yet
taken my meal though it was 1-30 p.m. He asked me
to sit down in front of him and eat straightaway.
There was no alternative but to obey him as I was
at fault. After eating, I gave Bapuji the mud-packs.
He lay down to have them and then dictated to me
letters to Thakkarbapa, Shardabahen, Bulsaria etc.
Baba (Satishbabu) and the Magistrate came to see
him while we were occupied with this work.
Before the evening prayers, he had cocoanut
water, sandesh from goat-milk and a banana.
The gathering at the prayer-meeting was un¬
usually large today and they all responded to the
Dhuna with zest and joy.
Bapuji later remarked, “The prayer-meeting was
very well attended today, and I was glad that both
Hindus and Muslims recited your Dhuna. It didn’t
seem to be a put-up show. Habib Saheb appears to
have contributed substantially to the healthy (com¬
munal) climate prevalent here.”
People came, after the prayers, in an incessant
stream to have a glimpse of Bapuji. This went on
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 133

up to 9-30 p.m. Bapuji now is very tired. He was

able to go to sleep only after 10-15 p.m,
[Bapu, 25-1-’47, Hirapur, Sunday]

' Hirapur,
25-l-’47
Bapuji’s stomach is upset and I too am feverish.
But we prayed as usual. Bapuji pointed out to me
my mispronunciation of a verse of the 8th canto
of the Bhagavadgita.
He said to a worker, “Those who work with me
as volunteers should have a separate kitchen and
should also cook for themselves. It’s a burden to my
host to have so many guests.” The worker agreed
to the proposition.
After making me give him some hot water, he
compelled me to lie down again to sleep and awa¬
kened me at 6-30. Then I squeezed fresh fruit juice
for him. But my work of writing, winding the yarn
etc. was left undone, as I had slept at the time set
apart for these jobs. We reached this place in good
time. The village is only a mile and a half from
Muriyam. Before leaving Muriyam, all the women
met Bapuji once again, and he said to theny: “Treat
Hindu women as your own sisters. Purity of the
heart is impossible as long as you do not learn to
keep your hearts and houses clean inside and out.
So, from this day forward begin to keep your clothes,
your homes, your bodies and your children clean,
and you will see that purity in thought and deed
follows in a natural sequence.” After comifrg here
Bapuji did some writing. He had his meal as usual
after his massage and bath, and asked me to sit with
him while he ate. But I had yet to take my bath, so
134 THE LONELY PILGRIM

I could not keep him company. He said, “Don’t

waste your time in waiting upon me while I eat, fiom
tomorrow. Ba used to pamper me like that. But if you
sit by my side during my meal to drive oft flies, as
Ba did, neitheryou nor I can ever finish our daily
k). 5

Bapuji had a long siesta in the afternoon for

an hour or so, because he was indisposed. A Swami-
ji put some questions to Bapuji from the Gita. He
said in reply’. “Even a fault committed by a man of
God is paid for in the end. I ate today, thiough
negligence, more than I should have. So my sto¬
mach was upset and required rest. I feit like vomiting
the food that I had so unwisely eaten, but I did not
want to do it. So, I lay down to sleep instead, and
the vomit was thus avoided. T_he effoithas tired me.
Hamanama gave me much aid, and the result was
that I could sleep well after all and everything has
turned out all right.”
I eliminated many papers, now useless, from
Bapuji’s portfolio. Nirmalda helped me in this job.
Bapuji dropped his evening meal altogether.
He asked me to write down the report of his prayer-
speech from tomorrow, so that nothing of impoitance
should be left out from the press reports of his speeches.
Nirmalda also takes down a report, but as Bapuji
speaks in Elindy he translates it immediately into
English or Bengali; my report in Hindi would thus
give the very words Bapuji speaks, and we would
thus be able to compare and check the twb reports.
A useful suggestion, indeed!
He took a stroll for three quarters of an hour after
returning from evening prayers. Both Bapuji and
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 135

I retired to sleep at 9-30 p.m. tonight, the earliest in

the pilgrimage.

Basa,
26-1 -?47
Bapuji was up very early today. He had to get up
at 2-30 a.m. to use the latrine. He did not lie down
again to sleep but instead examined my diary and did
some other work. Then he brushed his teeth as it
was almost the usual time to get up.
Bapuji expressed again his desire for separate
kitchen for those volunteers. who accompanied him.
Our host at Hirapur had provided meals for all of
them besides us. Bearing that fact in mind Bapuji
asked . . . , the local worker, to remember his ins¬
truction regarding the kitchen and see that it was
carried out.

Today being Independence Day, ‘Vandemataram’

was sung before we started from Hirapur at 7.40.
Before leaving the place I had met some Muslim
sisters. They expressed their desire to see Bapuji. I
took him to them. But all of them except one only scur¬
ried into their homes when he actually came. I felt
aggrieved and offended. It was at their own request
that I had brought Bapuji to them and when he did
come, they ran away and would not come out in spite
of my earnest persuasion! Unaffected by this slight,
Bapuji visited-them all individually in their huts and
greeted them. Thus it was Bapuji who paid his respects
to these young girls of 15 or 16 years of age and not
they to him! I was ashamed and chagrined. I gave
them a bit of my mind: “This is my humiliation more
than yours. It was I who brought Bapuji to you at
your personal request and you, teenagers like myself,
136 THE LONELY PILGRIM

contrived to create a situation by which Bapuji had

to come to you on his own to greet you first!
You are my own sisters and so I feel ashamed all
the more. I don’t mind if you don’t think that a
great man has come to your doors. I can understand
your refusal to recognize him at all as a great man,
though he is to my mind the living image of God.
But because he is much older than you, he should have
been respected and properly welcomed, as befits his
years!” It took me a long time to persuade them to
accept my plea and come out, and that, too, because
we had gone first to meet them individually in their
own homes. “Just see how every girl’s mind is poison¬
ed!” said Bapuji, “how very widespread is this venom
even among adult women! So now, be as useful as
you possibly can to extract it. Your pure heart cannot
fail to echo in theirs. Be sure that to the degree you
can succeed in this work, to that degree, I, too can,
succeed in mine. We two are alone and unfriended
in this great sacrifice. So you are to do this work at
the cost of any work you do for me. Did you mark
that it was at the instigation of the older men that the
girls didn’t come out at first? Just the reverse of what
we saw the day before at Habib Saheb’s.”

We arrived at 8.10 a.m. This was our shortest

march in the entire pilgrimage. Bapuji felt as if he
had not walked at all! Immediately on arrival he
looked at the post. Letters to Rashid Ahmed, Kularan-
janbabu, Prakasham, Jawaharlalji, Madalasabahen,
Dr. Joshi and Ravishankar Shukla were written. Then
Shailenbabu, an A.P.I. representative, came up with
a proposal for celebration of Independence Day,
which is today. He replied, “To me for one, this
sacrifice which I have begun is itself a continued
 THE FIERY ORDEAL
137
celebiation ot the Day. But to cheer up the spirit
oi the local people, you, pressmen and others, may
certainly go ahead with your idea.5’
> So, tne flag salutation was performed by Sardar
Niranjansingh Gil. Bapuji and I merely attended the
function and immediately thereafter we went straight
to the tent pitched in the bright sunshine for Bapuji’s
massage. An inter-communal dinner was also ar¬
ranged. But news came later on that the local Hindu
washermen would not attend it if the Muslims did.
They wereafiaici lest they should be lorcibly converted
to Islam after we left the place. “Let them abstain,”
said Bapuji in grief, “if they are so much afraid; the
dinner must be held in this street.55 He told me to attend
the dinner. He is observing a fast in sorrow on the
occasion. Hence, he drank only warm water with
honey aftei his bath. The fast will end m the evening.
He did another thing — spun much more today than
usual. Lying with the mud-packs on, he dictated
letters to Manilalbhai of Uruli Kanchan*, Gokhaieji,
Dhirubhai, Dr. Bhagawatji and ParamanandbhaL
At tne evening prayer meeting, Bapuji gave vent
to the matters which made his heart heavy with sorrow
as he spoke about Independence Day:
“loday is the 26th of January, the day of our
Freedom. When Congress was born, India obtained a
new lease of life. Only a few Indians at the time
were aware of the political significance of this, but
gradually the Congress grew strong and it awakened
freedom-consciousness in every village by starting mass
agitations. In the days prior to communal hatred no one
cared whether a person was a Hindu or a Muslim.

*A nature-cure centre
138 THE LONELY PILGRIM

It is a sad thing to have to say that there are two opinions

now where there was only one before. But for the poisoned
atmosphere prevalent here, I would have surely unfurled the
tri-coloured flag myself. Some friends suggested that I
should perform the ceremony, but I refused. Had an
English officer, however, decreed that there should be no
flag-hoisting here, I would certainly have raised that same
standard, even if it cost me my life. But my hands are
tied today by my own brothers. Suppose I unfurled the
flag and even my Muslim brothers accept it in sullen silence,
they would, in their hearts, look upon it as a calamity.
That’s what I don’t want them to feel. At the same time,
I must have my say in this matter. When the question of
our having a flag of our own came up, I thought it unjust
to have only one colour for it, as there are not one but
many communities in India. A day there surely was, when
all the communities of India-Hindu, Muslim, Parsi and all
others—cherished this flag as their own. Lives, too, have
been sacrificed to hold it aloft. But now many flags have
sprung up like mushroom growths, but only our tri-coloured
flag should stand alone in all its pristine glory, just like the
Union Jack. But that golden day of unity unfortunately
now belongs to the past. Whom shall I appeal to or fight
with for that day’s return ? We are all sons of India and
hence are brothers. What is our freedom worth if it accen¬
tuates internecine strife and hatred ? But proclaiming
unity is as absurd as building a castle in the air, which
falls at the first breath of wind.

There can be only one call at present which we all

must heed — that of winning freedom for India; and we must
never rest till it is won. But today brothers are fighting
against their own brothers. How can there be a Pakistan
before we win our freedom ? Is it the British who will grant
Pakistan? And who knows what kind of freedom we shall
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 139

have? The Britisher is certain to quit. But America and Russia

are not yet out of the picture. If we are not alert we are lost.
Only a little while ago you all sang ‘Janamanagana’.* What
an ennobling song! And there are many other songs as well
which affect us like electric charges. We can be united into
one, if we but sing them sincerely, from the heart. And if
we don’t unite we shall be considered fools by the rest of the
world. If you feel at heart that you should need this warn¬
ing of an old, experienced man, you must start from today
to change your thoughts and deeds in accordance with my
advice.

Not I but the pressmen with me unfurled the flag today.

It was for this same freedom that great man of Bengal,
Subhash Chandra Bose laid down his life. If even for his
sake we can’t give up our petty communal outlook, for
whom else can we do it?”

After his return from his evening walk Bapuji

drank some milk and ate dates. Completing my work,
I went to attend the common dinner, organized by
the pressmen here, as I had been invited to if. It was
a very frugal meal of khichadi\ and a vegetable. They
were all waiting for me, as I was late for the dinner
by half an hour. When I returned at 8.30 p.m. I found
Bapuji reading the papers. He slept after 9.30 p.m.
but had to get up once or twice to answer the calls of
nature. So, every night as I lie down to sleep I say
to myself, “I’ll get up to give him tepid water when
he needs it. But Bapuji is very careful not to make
any noise when he gets up. So, I never know of it.
On the contrary, when he finds me lying curled up
because of the cold, he gently covers me up. Tonight,

* Recognized now as the National Anthem of India

\ Rice and lentil mixed first and then boiled
140 THE LONELY PILGRIM

therefore, before getting to bed I toldBapuji, “Instead

of me serving you, it is you who serve me at nignt.
So please do wake me up from tonight onwards.”
“You are talking of my service at night,” countered
Bapuji, “but don’t I accept yours amply by day? And
at night you lie sound asleep like a corpse. I call it
the healthy sleep of the innocent and like it very much
indeed! That’s an assurance of your innocence. A
man’s inner nature expresses itself through his outer
self. Let him not say anything, but a man reveals the
quality of his being through his daily actions and
behaviour when sleeping, eating, talking and dealing
with others etc.”
I pressed Bapuji’s legs, rubbed oil on his head,,
bowed down to him and closed the mosquito-net.
It is now quarter to eleven. I have finished my diary*
I have now only to crush the end of a tooth-stick for
Bapuji, which when done, I can retire.

Palla,
27-l-’47, Monday

The cold was so bitter today, that I had to force

myself to get up. Bapuji’s feet had grown ice cold
and I had to massage them for long to warm
them. Prayers and other routine activities were carried
out as usual.
I have begun to carry my diary to the evening
prayer-meeting. I write it up as Bapuji’s speech is
being translated into Bengali. Bapuji listens to the
entries in my diary the next morning, as he sips warm
water and after a quick glance through it, signs it.
Bapuji completed the Bengali alphabet today*
He took a full half an hour to write it down. Then,

f
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 141

after some letter writing he lay down to rest for a

short while. We left Basa at 7.40 and arrived here
at 8.10. We had only a mile to cover.
We are staying in a weaver’s cottage. The
weavers here are regarded ‘untouchables’. Bapuji
observes his weekly silence. The weaver-family is all
love to us. When it was bright sunshine, I massaged
Bapuji. After his bath he basked in the sun, and
enjoyed it.
For his noon-day meal he had 5 cashew nuts, 5
almonds, some puffed rice and vegetable. Bapuji
spent much of his time in reading Rajendrababu’s
Autobiography which arrived recently. I have quite
a holiday-feeling today as it is Monday, the day of
Bapuji’s silence. So I got through a lot of extra¬
routine work. Bapuji’s carpet and bed-sheets were
dirty. I washed them all in one go. That meant
40 clothes to wash. I finished at 3 p.m. Then I made
the khakharas for tomorrow, to usefully utilize my off-
time still further.
At 2 p.m. Bapuji drank some cocoanut-water.
After evening prayers, we visited the home of the
ex-President (a Muslim) of the Union here. Bapuji
accepted the offer of cocoanut water. The ladies of
the house came out and met Bapuji. One of them had
studied up to the 8th form. In his talk to them, Bapuji
emphasized the need for women to learn to read and
write, and to learn the art of hand-spinning as well,
as it saves us 60% of our cloth-bill. Moreover, India
is a cotton-growing country, and prices of cloth have
soared high. Why should there be any control
over cloth at all in our country which produces cotton?
If women care to think it over, they will assuredly find
that they waste a lot of time. Even little girls can
142 THE LONELY PILGRIM

spin— s0 easy it is. The purdah observed should be ol

the mind, not of the body. Purdah really means
modesty, decorum, respectful behaviour; what is the
use of having an outer purdah for show, when the
mind is full of sin?
Bapuji is very pleased with our host of today -
the ‘untouchable’ weaver. He referred to him in his
prayer-speech:
“I am really happy that I am staying with a Harijan
weaver. He looks after me with such love and caret
A palace, where love is not, is a prison; and a hut where
love abides is more than a palace. But the fact remains that;
I am charmed with all these huts of Bengal. How can you
get light-ancl-air in a wall-enclosed room? The tragedy is
that while there is such a simple style of living here and
Nature has lavished her gifts with open hands, the Hindus
and Muslims here do not treat one another as brothers. Shall
we debase ourselves to sub-human creatures, simply because,
our creeds differ? But I, for one, have every hope that we
shall forget all this very soon and understand our responsi¬
bilities. Even now shops continue to remain closed in areas
affected by the riots, and people look askance at one another.
But all that recoils upon us alone and none is the gainer.
On the one hand a famine is impending for failure of farm-
produce and on the other we are harming ourselves by our
ignorance and inertia. We are only digging our own graves
if we continue to behave as we are doing now.
There are so many things we can do without troubling
the Government. We can easily do many things ourselves;
for instance, improving general health and sanitation, insist¬
ing on cleanliness, rearing fresh fruit and flower plants, mak¬
ing good manure and compost etc. Several such matters are
awaiting our attention. If we use our brains to this end
what a stupendous gain it will be to us and our motherland!
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 143
And I guarantee that then we will not have a moment to
spare for quarrels. But we can attain this happy state only if
our intellect matures and we give up the close grooves of our
present way of thinking. Like the song of this girl: ‘Grant
us intelligence unclouded and free’, I too pray to God to
open our eyes to truth and wisdom and endow us with the
strength to do the things helpful to all of us.”

As Nirmalda was translating this prayer-speech*

Bapuji and I wrote up our diaries.
I washed his feet on his return from the walk
which he took after the prayers. He seemed thorou¬
ghly tired out by then. The cold, too, was bitter.
He took only a steamed apple and drank some milk.
With a coverlet wrapped around him, he spun after
this frugal meal. Shailenbhai then read the papers,
to him. As Bapuji’s body was cramped with cold,
I pressed it all over to give him warmth. After 9.15
p.m. I prepared his bed. After washing his hands
and feet and taking some warm water he lay down.
I rubbed him over with oil and pressed his legs and I
got to sleep at 9.45 p.m. Today was the coldest day^
in our experience here. Bapuji had to wake me up
at midnight, as he could not bear the cold. I covered
him with more quilts and warmed his body by pressing
it all over again.

Panchgaon^
28-1-H7
Prayers at Palla as per routine. Nirmalda sang
the hymn today in a very melodious voice.
Bapuji discussed some women’s problems last night.
One of the questions put to him was: “What should
a woman do if attacked by ruffians ? Should she run
away or keep arms ready for defence?”
144 THE LONELY PILGRIM

“Readiness with arms is readiness to kill; that

should never be done,” answered Bapuji. “But one
should prepare oneself mentally to cultivate ideal non¬
violent courage. A real crisis seldom faces the man
with true non-violence at heart. So, one should pre¬
pare oneself to meet death with a cheerful face and in
a quiet dignified manner. The truth is that it is
not our weapons but God that really nelps us.
The world does not possess today the courage that
ensues from ideal non-violent principles. That is
why it has armed itself with atom-bombs and the like.
But men as individuals will have to learn to move
about as free persons, naturally self-reliant and inde¬
pendent of extraneous aids. Our women ought to
grow courageous enough to give up their lives before
yielding to advances from brutes. If they have suffi¬
cient purity of heart, then I say, even the weapons of
desperadoes will fall of themselves. If I am asked to
choose between giving one’s life and taking some
other’s for my own protection, I will assert that true
courage lies in the former.”
In the dictation of the letters which followed the
prayers, Bapuji referred to this matter again. He
dozed off for a while during the dictation. A sister
had written a letter to Bapuji with a pencil. To her
he wrote, “Write always in ink in future. It is a
sin, it is violence to others and sloth in ourselves to
write with the hazy pencil.”
Keeping to time, we started off from Falla for this
place at exactly 7.30 a.m. But we visited three persons
on the way — Ramkumar De, Mahmad Roza and
Muftis Raham and reached here late at 9. a.m. At
Muftis Raham’s house I went to the ladies’ apartment
as is my wont, but the women folk ran indoors and
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 145
had the door shut against me! This was a new ex¬
perience. A little later, however, a lady of mature
age approached me and talked very affably. She
asked me my relationship to Bapuji. Gradually the
others emerged, one by one. One of them was cook¬
ing at the time. She pressed me to have a fish-cutlet
and roti. I said I didn’t take fish at all and was not
in the habit of taking any roti so early. “These are all
but excuses; and you say Gandhiji is out to forge
Hindu-Muslim unity! But the fact is that Hindus
consider themselves superior beings and us as contem¬
ptible creatures and feel themselves defiled by
our contact. And you, too, are a Hindu after all,”
retorted the adult lady.
“I have no such inhibitions at all,” I averred;
“and I am quite prepared to eat a bit of your roti,
to remove your suspicions, but your baking pan and
hands should be free from any contact with particles
of fish.”
They prepared a special roti of that kind for me
and I took just a small bit from its edge. These ladies
thus tested me and then remarked, “You at least
have no such aversions at heart.”
As we proceeded on our way I reported all this
to Bapuji. “You did the right thing in eating a bit
of roti” said Bapuji, “but you noticed, I hope, how
prejudiced these women are against even me?”
Oranges were sent to us by Mahmad Roza. I mass¬
aged Bapuji immediately after washing his feet on
our arrival here. Then his bath, and meal; he had
two khakharas, a vegetable, two cashewnuts, milk and
just a small piece of sandesh to please our host. He
dictated some more letters as he ate. When he got
up from his rest he drank the water of two cocoanuts.
146 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Then, as he continued to spin, he dictated more

letters, but Pyarelalji and Sushilabahen came up
and the dictation had to be stopped.

In his evening prayer-speech, Bapuji referred to

my experience with the Muslim women. He observed!

“On my way here I was taken to three homes, one Hindu

and two Muslim. It gave me very great pleasure to go to
them as all I crave for is love and nothing more. I was not
informed in advance of the places I would be taken to, but
I saw love in the eyes of those who invited me, and so I
went. At all the three places Lwas offered something to eat,
but it was not the time when I usually ate, so I said I would
gladly accept some fruit if they sent any to my next halt.
My grand-daughter accompanies me. The ladies welcomed
her with love and an old dame folded her in close embrace
on knowing who she was. A Muslim sister who had made
fish cutlet and rotis at the time, pressed her to partake-of the
fare. What could the poor girlie say to it? She refused the
offer on the ground that she did not take anything at that
early hour. The Muslim ladies thereupon suspected that
this Hindu girl was not willing to eat, because at heart she
felt she would be polluted. So, to allay their suspicion, she
broke a piece from their roti and ate it. Those sisters were
satisfied and pleased. Neither I nor those who associate with
me ever have any caste or creed objection and we have no
inhibitions against dining with anybody. But I appeal to
my Muslim friends to look with a lenient eye upon those
Hindus who think they would lose their religion if they ate
at the hands of a Muslim. I fully endorse the view that that
belief is wrong. But is taking food together the only true
test of brotherly love? This erroneous belief is sure to
wear off with time. Much has been achieved already in this
direction. But please don’t fail to appreciate love wherever
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 147

you find it till that attitude completely wears out. Only in

this way can you come near one another.”

Turning then to what had happened on the 26th

of January he continued, “The pressmen who follow
me had arranged a mass dinner of all castes and creeds.
Muslim brothers did not join in it, but the host of my
brothers —the press reporters — told them with folded
hands, T beg of you earnestly not to insist that I
partake of your common dinner. You will leave
me in a day, but calamity will beset me after you go.
The people here will bring tremendous pressure to
bear upon me saying, ‘You have now lost caste by tak¬
ing meals with them. So you shall be a Muslim now.5
“ I felt that the man’s fear was well-founded. So
I had to request the pressmen not to hold the common
dinner in the poor man’s hut. I don’t know when both
Hindus and Muslims will shed off their respective
weaknesses, and come close to one another. But I
am prepared to give up my very life, if need be, to see
this object realized, and I appeal to you all to pray~
with me. ‘Oh! God! Bring that golden day soon’.”
So Bapuji made a moving appeal from a trifling'
incident which had happened to me.
On his return, he drank 8 oz. of milk and ate 8
dates. Tnen he talked to Pyaretalji on important
issues, wrote his prayer speech and some letters and-
then went to sleep at 10 p.m.

Jayaga,.
29-l-’47
Bapuji’s prayer and other items of routine were
carried out punctually, according to schedule. He
looked at some of the post, wrote down the Bengali
alphabet and asked me to do the same1, Bapuji first
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
148
learns Bengali words himself and then teaches them
to me. But the amusing thing is that thougn he fi
writes down a letter which I am asKed to trace on
over and over again, he does not hesitate to learn from
me his pupil and grand-daughter, a letter or a word
which he does not know himself. I, too, ask him
whatever I don’t understand. We struggle thus at
first and when both of us fail to make sense, we appeal
to Nirmalda to help us out. So when he saw me
drawing my pen repeatedly over a Bengali letter wn -
ten by Bapuji, a novice himself, Nirmalda was muc
amused. He burst out laughing and said, What a
pair! The teacher and the taught!” That is how
we manage our Bengali lessons.
At 7.30 a.m. we left Panchgaon and arrived here
at 8.15. With loving enthusiasm our host had kept
vigil the whole night in order to provide us with all
possible comforts, and thus arranged for, what I call,
a 'festival in a forest’.
With what unbounded love was Rama received,
(as we read in the Ramayana,) by the aboriginal
Bhils, by wild foresters and even by birds and beasts,
whenever he chanced to enter their jungle! Our recep¬
tion is a replica of the welcome accorded to Rama.
Our hosts are weavers, shoemakers, and other Harijans
living in out of the way places. But they welcome us
with such a wealth of love that the gorgeous receptions
given by the eminent residents of big cities like Delhi,
Bombay and Poona pale in comparison. Besides, in
large towns and cities there are educated and cultuied
men whom Bapuji has moulded to his ideas. Also, there
is always a class of readers in such places of his extensive
literature. But our welcome here is due only to love
and devotion. Casting aside their sorrows, the women
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 149

blow the auspicious conch, distribute sweets, put the

vermilion mark on Bapuji’s forehead and kindling rows
of festive lights wave them before him in order to
acclaim the gala eveut of his arrival. I have seen, I
repeat, many a grand reception held in honour of
Bapuji, but they are as nothing before those given here.
All around Nature has attired herself in a costume
of the gayest colours. Then there are these villages of
Noakhali, sweet and charming. Added to them are
the hearty receptions given us by the simple and sincere
village-folk here. And to crown everything my constant
awareness of my good fortune in having the chance to
travel with the saint who pilgrimages barefoot in this
stinging and oppressive cold weather. You can now
understand why I am at a loss to express the joy I feel.
But an example from the Ramayana may give you
some idea of my happiness. How happy must
Lakshman have felt when Ramachandra finally com¬
plied with his earnest entreaty to let him accompany
his elder brother in his sojourns to far-off forests! I
feel a similar exaltation from this glorious opportunity
which God has granted me to be by Bapuji’s side in his
holy march. Verily His grace knows no bounds!
Upon our arrival here, I washed Bapuji’s feet.
Dr. Sushilabahen has come here and she massaged
him today. In the meanwhile I prepared khakharas
and a vegetable for Bapuji, so that he could have his
meal immediately after his bath. This prompt service
elicited the following remark from him, “I am really
very well looked after, but I feel uneasy. What wor¬
ries me is my failure to meet the demands of the ever-
increasing work here.”
Bapuji replied today to some questions put to him.
This is the gist:
150 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Q.: Does Bapuji want Muslims also to attend

his prayers ?
A.: I never insist that members of all communities
should join in my prayers. But if my Muslim brothers
do so, I shall certainly be very happy. As it is, Muslims
have been attending my prayers for many years past.
(A ; Is it not true that you are held as an incar¬
nation of God? Though a Hindu yourself, why do you
repeat in your prayers verses from the Holy Koran ?
How can you equate (the human) Rama witn Rahim
or Krishna with Karim?
A.: These objections have given me very deep
pain. To raise them is to expose one’s own narrowness
of mind. The inclusion of verses from the Koran in
my prayers was introduced by a staunch Muslim
lady, Bibi Raihanabahen, Abbas Tyabji’s grand¬
daughter, who is to me as my own daughter. I am
neither an incarnation of God, nor a Messiah as I am
made out to be. I am but a humble servant of Khuda
or God, humbler than the most ordinary. I only
want to make Hindus better Hindus, Muslims better
Muslims, Christians better Christians and so on. I
have never persuaded any one to change his creed.
My religion is broad enough to include in my prayers
the texts of all religions. God or Khuda has not one
but numerous names. How can we insist that He
should be called only Rama or Rahim and, by no
other name ? I do not consider myself an angel come
down from heaven, nor do I base my actions on that
false premise. I am a human being just like you.
And God is One, though called by different names.
Some persons call Him Khuda, whereas others speak
of Him as Prabhu. The God of the Muslims is the
same as the God of the Hindus. But through our
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 151
blurred vision we see Him as differing with each re¬
ligion. I have deliberately repeated this idea in order
that you may understand me and my work all the
better.”
Then addiessing the young men who were present
he said, “Our country is in serious danger today.
Those young men and women, who have migrated
to cities like Bombay and Calcutta to earn their living,
ought to help our country in its hour of need. There
is an easy way to do so, without incurring loss of any
kind. Employees and businessmen engaged in the
same profession can confer together and grant leave
m rotation to some of them for a stated period. Those
who get leave should work in the villages for that period
and then resume their own work and another batch
could be sent to replace them. Thus, neither the busi¬
nessmen nor their employees will suffer materially
and yet our villages will gain. Those who can’t
render personal service to villages could help with
money, if they can spare some.
“What tremendous sacrifices people of advanced
countries like England, Russia etc. undergo in their
patiiotic zeal! It cannot but evoke our admiration
and respect. If to serve our nation in a like manner,
only one man and one woman came forward from
every iamily, what stupendous achievements would it
bring about! In this way alone is internal unity in a
laige mass of men attained. I here has been no dearth
of patriots in our own country, but all their splendid
achievements are being wiped away because brother
stabs brother today. I pray to God that we rise above
the narrow, selfish bonds which are hampering us.”
In the evening we visited a camp of displaced
peisons. There is a school for children in this place.
J52 THE LONELY PILGRIM

The youngsters did some physical exercises and Bapuji

gave one of them a book and a slate as a prize.
Oranges, which we had with us, were distributed to
the other children. From there we went for our evening
stroll. On our return Bapuji ate some dates and
drank milk. f
There are cuts again on the soles Oi Bapuji s teet
today, perhaps due to the unbearable cold here and to
his walking bare-footed on rough tracks. One has to
submit cheerfully to God’s will! I was ed is ee
at night and covered the cuts with ointment. I actually
shuddered at the sight of the long deep fissure below t he
right large toe and my eyes closed for a moment beioie
I bandaged it. But alas! all this dressing and treat¬
ment will go to waste. He will again walk withou
chapals tomorrow morning. That will undo whatever
good my treatment does, and his foot will revert to its
present sore state. How I wish Bapuji would use
some sort of footwear, now at least! But I can t sum¬
mon courage enough to tell him so.
Bapuji did his spinning after 9 p.m. I counted
the rounds which came to 260. Then Bapuji asked
for water to wash his face and hands, by way of pre¬
paration to go to sleep. He uses cold water for it.
thought however that tonight I should give him warm
water owing to the severe weather. So I handed him
warm water. But my officiousness cost me dear. At
the touch of that warm water Bapuji said, it you
really feel pity for me, do this : Get a thick padded
nuilt for me. Call for motor-cars tor my use. Then
build a palace with comfortable, centrally-heated
rooms and instal His Eminence the Mahatma m it.
A great idea! Isn t it so?
I realized that his remarks were sarcastic.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 153

“Have you ever stopped to think,” he proceeded

in an irate tone, “what luxury it is for me to have
warm water to wash my face when people do not get
enough fuel even to bake their rotis ? Is it not a
matter of shame then that you should give me warm
water with which to wash my face ? I can understand
your making hot water for my bath. But this, for
washing my face, goes beyond my ken. Beware from
henceforth, and be careful. That’s all I have to say.”

From his stern refusal to use warm water for his

face, one can understand how intensely Bapuji feels
for the poor. His face expressed deep pain as he
uttered the above words.

This painful episode happened just before we

went to sleep. I felt nonplussed and grieved. My
mind continued for some time to dwell upon Bapuji’s
advice to digest this lesson by meditating on it.

Amaki,
30-l-’47

Prayers and his Bengali lessons as usual. Then

he went through my diary.

Two ladies have come down from Bombay to

present with their own hands Rs. 1250 to Bapuji. He
handed over the amount to me and asked me to give
it to Satisbabu and get a receipt for the same.

At 7 a.m. he drank some fruit juice, and then

rested for ten minutes. We left Jayag at 7.30 and
came here at 8.45. Immediately upon our arrival
Bapuji wrote a letter to Panditji. The letter looked
very neat as the text was written in English, but he
154 THE LONELY PILGRIM

was addressed at the top in Hindi script as fa.*

Malatididi i.e. Malatidevi Ghaudhari was one of the
visitors we had. Finishing his massage and bath,
Bapuji had his meal at 10 a.m., consisting of a vege¬
table, two khakharas, milk and one grapefruit. There
is no milk now for his evening meal. I am worried
and I don’t know how I shall manage to get some.
Mr. Horace Alexander came up in the afternoon.
Bapuji talked with him alone for an hour while he
continued spinning all the while. Then came Jamal
Saheb who has set up a cottage at a cost of Rs. 250.
He took us to see it. On our return, Bapuji com¬
mented, “It is nothing but a pataro\ to use our Kathia-
wadi colloquial term. When we were half-way on
our route here, it suddenly struck me that I had
forgotten a small handkerchief of Bapuji’s. So I ran
back to fetch it.

We have put up today with a Kayastha.J Here

there are 542 caste-Hindus, 1954 Muslims, 26 weavers
(Harijan-Hindus) and 75 persons of other com¬
munities. There are 5 Bhangi (Harijan) cottages also.
Our host is Yashodakumar De. From nowhere could
milk be procured for Bapuji’s evening meal, even after
a long search for it. So, at last, I had to report the
matter to Bapuji. But he was undisturbed and said,
“Why do you worry? Cocoanut milk will serve quite
as well as goat’s milk. And as for ghee from goat’s
milk, we’ll substitute fresh cocoanut oil instead.”

*Chi. is a short form of Chiranjiva, meaning ‘live long’. This

is a blessing for long life addressed to a youngster,
f A large, strong and closed box f
l A member of a Hindu caste of that name
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 155
So I prepared 8 oz. of cocoanut milk in place of
the 8 oz. of goat’s milk. However, it turned out to be
indigestible, and Bapuji suffered from an attack of
diarrhoea. By evening his increasing weakness alarmed
me. He perspired heavily, clutched his head and felt
dizzy. I called out to Nirmalda to send for Dr. Sushila-
bahen, as I would be taken for a fool if his health
took a turn for the worse. Dr. Sushilabahen had left
just before the prayers.

Bapuji awoke from his stupor as I was handing the

note (forDr. Sushilabahen) to Nirmalda. “Manudi!”,
he called out in an irritated tone. “Why did you call
Nirmalda? I don’t like it. But, for your tender
age, I forgive you. All the same, at a time like this, I
expect you to do nothing else but fervently chant God’s
name. I, for one, was certainly taking His name all
the while. And I would have been very happy indeed,
if you too had begun chanting the Name instead of
calling for Nirmaida’s help. Now don’t tell Sushila
anything about this or send for her. My only true
and never-failing physician is God. If, and as long as
He wishes to get His work done through me, He will
let me live; then He will whisk me away.”
God be thanked! He saved me from a blunder!
I really think that God never fails to rush to the
rescue of the man of faith. What a sore test it was
forme! Hardly had the words,‘now don’t call Sushila’
escaped Bapuji’s lips, when I snatched away my note
from Nirmaida’s hands.

All this took place before Bapuji’s very eyes. So

from what he saw as he lay in his bed, he sized up
the situation and exclaimed, “So you had already
written to Sushila!” I had to reply in the affirmative.
156 THE LONELY PILGRIM

“It was God alone who saved us both today,”

said Bapuji much relieved. “Sushila would certainly
have run down here immediately on getting your note,
but that would have only hurt me, and made me angi\
with you and myself. Both of us were put to a test
today. Rest assured that I am never going to die of any
illness if the potent charm of God’s name permeates
my heart. This law stands for all, not for me alone.
Man has but to suffer the consequences of the mistakes
he commits. So, to the last breath oi life, must the
chanting of God’s name continue in the heart. There
is an apt example of it given in the Ramayana. Sita
presented a valuable pearl necklace to Hanuman.
But he broke each and every pearl to pieces to find
out if the name of Rama was inscribed within. A
precious pearl was only trash to him otherwise. That
was his intense absorption in the name of Rama. W hv
should we question whether or not this incident did
actually happen as related ? What matters to us is the
moral it conveys. We may not perhaps be able to
build a body like Samson’s or Hanuman’s, but we
can certainly make our soul as strong and indomit¬
able. M an can, if he wills, achieve the spnitual status
of Hanuman. And if he can’t, it s quite enough if
he only strives to do so. Does not Mother Gita en¬
join, ‘Man has but to make the attempt and leave the
fruit thereof to God’? In that spirit we all—andyou
and I every one —must try our best, ‘act well our
part’ and trust to God for the rest. And now, I
believe, you have understood my trend of thinking
with regard to my own illness or yours or anybody
else’s for that matter.”
With that he returned to another topic. “It is
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 157
good for you also, to know what I said about Brahma-
charya to. . . . There are people,5' I told him, “who
refuse to touch woman as they think it sinful to do
so. They are afraid that their passions may be roused
by a mere touch of a woman’s body. I won’t call
such a man a Brahmachari at all, even though he may
have been physically chaste. And don’t assume that
a man is free of passion simply because he has grown
old. He does not indulge in the sex act only as the
physical energy to do so has left him and not because
he has gone beyond the urge of passion. Till the last
beat of the heart, the mind, the seat of all desire, knows
no aging. Some of my friends do indeed differ from me
in this matter. But on the basis of countless experi¬
ments and experiences, I claim that among them all,
I am a true Brahmachari. How can he have a disease
who is above passion of any sort? Any such suffering
from a disease is out of the question for him. Those who
have tried to make me change my view are them¬
selves suffering from some ailment or other. How can
his passion be aroused by a woman’s touch when he
considers all women as his mothers, sisters or daugh¬
ters! Let the most beautiful damsel on earth face
him, he will still remain passionless. All the same, I
always say that my death alone will prove whether
my claim is true or false. No man can be judged rightly
until he dies, for he is liable to fall at any time. Such is
the frailty of the mind. That is why I asked . . .
to take me for a hypocrite and the most wicked man
on earth like Ravana if I happen to die of any disease.
But if I leave the world with the name of Rama on
my lips, only then am I a true Brahmachari, a real
Mahatma.”

In a lucid, ceaseless flow of speech Bapuji thus

158 THE LONELY PILGRIM

affirmed his unbounded faith in Ramanama. Every

word that he uttered came from the depth of his heart.
‘How God saved me in the nick of time!5 was all
that revolved in my mind from this episode. I now
realized more than ever before that we would neither
understand nor appreciate Bapuji fully merely by
pressing his legs, or serving him otherwise or by
preparing food for him. It is only incidents such as this
which draw him out and reveal him in his true glory.
And then only do we feel ‘here is the real Bapu!’ And
how good God is to me! He has given me the golden
opportunity of being near one who is the Supreme
Spirit personified, as described in the Bhagavad-
gita.
Bapuji reverted to his pet subject of Ramanama
even in a letter he wrote at night to an ailing sister:
‘‘There is only one remedy on earth which never
fails; and that is Ramanama. Of course the person
who takes it has to keep to the regimen, i.e. observance
of the laws of morality etc. But alas! many of us do not
use that sovereign remedy!”
By night time Bapuji was his normal self; he talk¬
ed to Mr. hi or ace Alexander for a fairly long time.
When he left, Bapuji alluded to that cottage of
Rs. 250 in a chat with the press reporters. “It’s not a
cottage; it is a huge box or vault without either
proper ventilation or sunshine. Make huts from
cocoanut leaves,— it is a matter of Rs. 25 only—and;
the whole question is solved! Are you prepared to give
me a contract for the amount? I am sure I will even!
be able to earn a good commission for myself from
it.”
The jest raised loud laughter from the press¬
men.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 159
Bapuji lay down on his bed at 10 p.m. as usual.
I rubbed oil on his head and pressed his legs. And
now I shall finish my diary, a part of which was
already written in the afternoon. It is now 10.30 p.m.
When I lay down to sleep, Bapuji’s talk recurred
in my mind and I thought, £what a lofty concept of
Brahmacharya Bapuji had even when he included it
among the vows of the Ashramites! The spiritual ideal
which he cherished has now taken concrete shape
and I see it before my eyes.5
By being a ‘mother5 to a little girl like myself;
Bapuji is moulding me in a variety of ways.

Navagram,
31-l-547
Prayers and then his signature on my diary as
usual.
In order to get first-hand information of the tangl¬
ed situation and the oppression inflicted in Bihar.
Bapuji had sent for £a man on the spot5 from the ad¬
ministration. So Jadubhai Sahai has come here.
Hunarbhai attends to Bapuji’s post in the Urdu
script. Bapu suggested the formation of a Commission
in Bihar but it seems ... is not enthusiastic over the
idea. As Bapu had stretched himself and was having
the mud-packs, Mr. Horace Alexander came up
again. They had long talks on spiritual matters as well
as on present-day trends and activities.
There was a ladies5 meeting in the afternoon. One
of them asked Bapu what a woman, whose husband
had turned a recluse, should do. Bapuji said, “That
woman should lead a very virtuous and chaste life.
She should not hoard anything but only keep that
which was absolutely necessary. It is wrong to as¬
sume that a person is a true hermit only when he
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
160
wears an ochre robe. If the desolate woman is at a loss
to know what to do, she could take to spinning. I
have called the spinning wheel the Kamadhenu.
She could also chant God’s name as she spins. Ihis
type of renunciation will perhaps surpass that ot her
husband. She could occupy herself in constant bene¬
volent service, such as sweeping the village streets,
giving bath to dirty children etc. There ought to be
a proverb in Bengali similar to ‘Idle hands are the
devil’s workshop’. If we sit idly, doing nothing, a
thousand unhealthy thoughts may surge m our mind.
So one should never be without some sort of work
at all times. This is the best solution for the pro-
blem.”
Bapuji ate nothing at all in the evening except
an oz. of gur. He also took some honey in warm water.

Amishapada,
l-2-’47

Prayers, dictation of letters and his Bengali lesson

as usual. Bapuji asked me to use the Gujarati word
rojanishi or nityanondh for the English word diary , as
I write my entries wholly in Gujarati. My diary of
yesterday did not show the correct sequence of events.
Bapuji remarked, “If we keep to the chronological
order of events when writing the diary, it would be
easy, later on, to refer to a past event or find out when
a particular talk took place, without the need to
hunt for it. So be careful, in future, to observe that
order.”
“And don’t let this diary get into the hands of any
and every person”, he added. Of course, there is

*A cow of plenty, supposed to fulfil all desires

 THE FIERY ORDEAL
161

nothing private or secret about us, but unscrupulous

pei sons can make capital out of the diary by distorting
it. This diary will prove very valuable to you in
future. Jayasukhlal, too, will appreciate it. The diary
of my stay in the Aga Khan Palace kept by Sushila has
turned out to be, I think, one of permanent value
and historic interest. Your diary also will be an equally
pi ecious document. That is why I give it importance
and pay attention to it. You are to preserve it carefully
or send it to Jayasukhlal. And do another thing
also. Show it to Pyarelal. He can improve the lan¬
guage etc. Where have I the time to go into it
deeply? But I am sure you will gain and not lose
anything by sending it to Pyarelal. He is a scholar
and understands me quite well. Besides, he will have
some idea of my work here.”

“But I may have written much that is pure non¬

sense; and will he not laugh at me for it, if I send the
diary to him?” I protested.

“Why should we bother about the good opinion

of other people?” rejoined Bapuji. “And even if he
laughs at you, you will learn through his corrections.
Why should we anticipate other people’s remarks for
or against us? God will do as He pleases. We have
but to do our duty. If we cease to make any attempt
at all for feai of taking a false step, we can never
make an^ headway. So we must cultivate courage
enough to appeal as we are. If, in doing so, people
say some hard things about us which can, however,
lead to our improvement, we should welcome such
criticism. A mere child sometimes teaches wisdom to
a man known for his greatness that his whole life
is changed. This, I say, from my personal experience.
L-l 1
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
162
So we must cultivate an eagerness to learn from others
whatever they can teach us.
We left Navagram at 7-30 a.m. and reached here

at " P^arelalji came from his village when it was

meal-time for Bapuji. He had brought khakharas made
by himself for Bapu, who took two of them, some vege¬
table milk and a small piece of sandesh. He ha coc
nut water at 2 p.m. and milk with 8 dates in ie

eVCI1Our host here is Krishna Mohan Chatterjee.

In his prayer-meeting today, Bapuji gave a
beautiful definition of Islam. The attendance o ot
Hindus and Muslims was very large, and the noise
and bustle was great. Bapuji delivered his discourse
after silence prevailed.
A Maulvi Saheb had asserted, “Gandhyi has no
right whatever to expound the laws of Islam. e
had moreover strongly objected to BapuJ1 s W e -
ing together Rama, a human king, and Rahim o
Khuda. Bapuji in reply said, “This to my mind is a
very narrow, short-sighted view of religion. No icli
eion —Islam, Hinduism or Zoroastrianism—is meant
fo be kept in watertight compartments. Every human
being has the right to study the principles and idea s
of each religion and then adopt only those which
he thinks best and reject others. It is because I am
a student of Islam that I say so.”
There is happy news from Suslnlabahen s vi -
lage Ghangergaon. She has won the love and esteem ot
many Muslim men and women by her medical
treatment and other sincere services. She wants to
leave for Sevagram, but the local people do no
want to let her go. They are so pleased with her
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 163
service and her elevating company that many of them
are voluntarily returning to the owners the property
they had looted. What a great change of heart this
means!

Bapuji remarked, “I for one would advise the

Government to stop dragging to law-courts those who
had looted property during the communal frenzy. If,
in its stead, the military and the people turn their
energies to the type of service rendered by Sushila-
bahen, real and lasting peace will be established.”

A question was put to Bapuji to explain his

theory of trusteeship of property. Bapuji answered,
“All wealth that is, or exists, belongs to God, to
Khuda. Man has got whatever he possesses from that
Omnipotent Power. So there is nothing like personal
ownership of property. Whatever he has, has been
entrusted to him by God for the service of the people.
Any one, who holds more property than he actually
needs, is a trustee of that excess property. This
excess is meant for service of the poor and the down¬
trodden among his fellowmen. If we have faith in
God, we will always find that He is assuredly All-
powerful and will give us what we need. He never
hoards anything. Man, too, must take only what he
requires for the day and must not store anything for
future use. If we assimilate this truth, I for one would
consider it trusteeship even in the legal sense of the
term. And then there will be no occasion for either
robbery or exploitation.”

Bapuji appears every time in a different form,

as the Gita says. Put any question to him and we
will always have something fresh to learn from his
inexhaustible store of wisdom. It is, like the treasury
164 THE LONELY PILGRIM

of Kuber,* always available. What you can draw

out from Bapu depends wholly upon the capacity o
the person questioning him.
Dashagharia,
2-2-’47
\

Prayers, his Bengali lesson and the honeyed warm

water according to routine. But my diary could not be
read to him as he was engaged in a talk with Pyare-
lalii. .
Then he endorsed a check for Rs. 10,000/- sent by
the Maharaja Saheb of Morabi and wrote to him
a card of thanks for the gift. He then lay down to rest
after having a glass of fruit juice. As I pressed his
legs for quite a long time, our departure was delayed.
We started at 7-35 a.m. for this village. Saw the
ruins of two houses. They were splendid buildings
which have been entirely razed to the ground and
murders have been perpetrated there.
In his talk with . . . Bapuji said, “No worker
is to come to see me without urgent cause or without
my sending for him. Therein lies the good not only
of myself and this sacrifice but also of the worker
himself. Every one must use his brains and act accord¬
ingly.’5
Massage and bath as usual. For his meal he had
two khakharas, 8 oz. of milk, a little condensed cocoa-
nut oil and one grapefruit. There are 251 Hindus
and 800 Muslims here.
After a talk with Abdulla Saheb (S.P.) in the
evening, Bapuji began his silence.

♦Treasurer of Lord Indra’s countless and inexhaustible

wealth
 the fiery ordeal 165
In the evening he took milk, one banana and
some puffed-rice grains and at night 1 oz. of gur. As
silence had already begun before nightfall, there
were no visitors.

Shadurkhil,
3-2-’47
Immediately after the daily prayers, Bapuji wrote
a letter to Jawaharlalji. Then as he was sipping his
honey and water, I read out my diary to him, but
he could not sign it in Dashagharia. As I had put it
below some books, he could not find it when he
wanted to sign it.
At 7-35 a.m. we left Dashagharia. We halted at
the garden-homes of Kshemanath Chaudhari and
Habibullah. We are the guests of a Kayastha,
Yashodapal.
His routine was followed as usual on arrival
here. After taking his bath he had his meal: five
almonds, five cashewnuts, and some sandesh which our
host had prepared for him. The people here feel happy
when Bapuji takes even a small bit of food which they
have made.
There are 271 Hindus and 1212 Muslims here.
Nothing to- note down today as it is Bapujfs day of
silence. A depressing loneliness fills the air when he
maintains silence. In the evening we visited a primary
school. On returning, Bapuji had only 8 oz. of
milk and ten dates; nothing more. There was a good
attendance at the evening prayer meeting.

Shadurkhil,
4-2-’47
It has now been decided that we should halt for
two days instead of one wherever Bapuji observes
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
166
his day of silence, as the local people have no chance
otherwise to benefit by his stay with them. So we are
to stay on, and I had practically nothing to do this
morning. We went for a stroll instead, exactly at
usual time of starting, i.e. at 7-35 a.m. On e y
called on a Muslim lawyer at hvs home. I went in¬
side to meet the ladies. They expressed a desire to
see Bapuji, and I brought him in. We returned from
our walk at 8-30 a.m. I washed his feet massaged
him and attended on him while he had his bath.
When I was washing his feet, Bapuji asked me
write down from henceforth verses from the Gita. He
signed some letters while I was washing his feet Giving
his views on basic education to . . . he said, l e
student of basic education should build a strong mid
healthy body. He must learn how to make pufte
rice, flattened rice, to extract oil from cocoanuts an
make the residue useful, and also how to cook. He
must so control his temper that he can mingle easily
and lovingly with all, and at the same time o serve
truth in speech and act. He must pic up ®
Devanagari script and Hindi, Gujarati and Benga l
languages. Nearly all the visitors today were Muslims
and mainly government officials at that.

The evening prayer-meeting was held today m

the open space within the garden-house of a Muslim.
When Nirmalda was translating Bapuji.s speech,
Bapuji wrote me a chit, “Go inside to visit the ladies,
so that extra time after the prayers may not _ be
wasted in the call.” So I went to them and recited
auzubillah at their request. A girl said m contempt,
“We consider it a sin even to talk with a Hindu.
“It was because you pressed me that I sang the
verse from the Koran,” I replied quietly. “What I want
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 167
to know is your way of reciting. Show it to me please.
I am here as a student eager to learn from you.”
These conciliatory words had an immediate effect
on an old woman. She scolded the girl and even recited
a short verse from the Koran.
One thing is certain. The air is full of poison.
In the name of religion, learned fanatics are thus
misleading the simple gullible masses and becom¬
ing Satan’s henchmen.
I gave Bapuji an account of what had happened,
when the prayers ended. He remarked, “That’s just
why I assert that excessive book-learning has only
bred learned stupidity and want of real wisdom.
There are two expressions, ca wise man’ and ‘a
wiseacre’, to connote real wisdom or learned folly in
a man. So this senseless book-learning has simply
ruined us.”
Our prayer-meeting was held in the compound
of the chief leader of Shadurkhil, Salimulla Saheb
and Ramadhuna was enthusiastically sung by all
present, the rhythm was maintained by clapping
the hands. Even a welcome address in Bengali was
given to Bapuji with due ceremony.
He replied, “I have come here to capture your
hearts and then make them one. Nothing will end
well as long as true unity is not established. Grovel¬
ling in slavery will be our unhappy lot till then. But
we must accept no other slavery than that of the
Almighty God, who is the same one whatever the name
by which He is known. It is a misconception to think
that I put Khuda on a par with Rama who was after
all a human being. The Rama whom I adore is God
Himself. He always was, is now and will* be for ever.
Neither is there any birth nor death for Him, nor
168 THE LONELY PILGRIM

was He ever made or created by anyone else. So let

us learn to honour Him by an unprejudiced study o
different religions. I have Muslim friends bearing t e
names Rahim and Karim. If I call those human indi¬
viduals by their names, do I thereby consider those
human beings to be the same as God ? And will you say
it is a crime to call them by their names? I do not
believe in returning hatred for hatred. Be certain
that nothing will succeed without establishing fra¬
ternal accord between the communities.
CCI need no pressure from any one to go to Bihar.
I will go to any place where I feel I shall be able to
render the best service to the country. And that is
the very reason why I am here for the present.
Bapuji took no milk but only 2 oz. of gur in the
evening. Lay down to sleep at 10 p.m., and I too
within five or six minutes more.

Shrinagar,
5-2-’47

The daily routine, including prayers, was fol¬

lowed. As I had a severe cold with fever, Bapuji made
me go to sleep and attended to the post himself. I
was awakened quite late, at 6-30 a.m.
We left Shadurkhil at 7-35 as usual. Vinabahen
Das and her co-workers had made splendid prepa¬
rations for our stay. She is the worker in charge of
the village. We reached here at 8-35. The ground in
front of the entrance door was decorated by a beauti¬
ful multi-coloured design drawn with stone-aust.
We are staying with a tanti i.e. a weaver. In the Octo¬
ber riots, he was robbed of all he had. I washed
Bapuji’s feet and massaged him. He dozed ofl for
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 169
20 minutes during the massage, and had a short nap
during his bath also.
Vinadi had a thermometer. Holding it in her
hand she came to me when I was waiting upon
Bapuji at his meal and practically commanded me
to take my temperature in Bapuji’s presence. It was
104°. Bapuji was very much displeased to see me so ill.
I had thought I would finish all my work quick¬
ly and then rest. But Vinadi refused to fall in with my
plan. She brought my condition to Bapuji’s notice
in the above manner, and he was irritated and un-
happy. “You wouldn’t have been in this plight,” he
said, “if you had entrusted Devabhai or Nirmalda
with all your morning work and gone to bed. This
is very bad. It can even be called infatuation in a
subtle form. I would have been really pleased if you
had been humble enough to take rest. I have often
rebuked you for not looking after your health. When
you are at some work, you neglect yourself. For this,
how often have I scolded you to draw so much as
tears from you in the Aga Khan Palace! And I shall
have to do the same today. We must give up work
without fail the moment we feel the slightest fatigue.
You are a daily witness of how I manage to snatch
rest for myself even though, there is endless work for
me to do. How can I be of service, if I took no rest?
He who desires to serve others must first learn to serve
himself.”

After two hours’ rest my fever was gone. I even

attended prayers as my temperature had then come
down to 99.4°. Bapuji was put to practically no in¬
convenience because Vinadi helped me a good deal.
Something like a pandal was erected around
Bapuji’s seat in the prayer meeting. There was a
170 THE LONELY PILGRIM

ceiling to it as well. The meeting was very crowded,

but orderly and quiet. Bapuji first of all expressed
himself strongly against any decoration, for that, he
said, only meant waste of energy and waste of money,
and was unnecessary in a place of worship. A raised
seat to enable Bapu and the audience to see one an¬
other, and a soft gadi for him to sit upon, so that he
might not get tired, were all that were necessary.
Anything beyond this, by way of decoration, he for-
bade strictly.

In his prayer-speech Bapuji dwelt upon the

weapon of non-violence:

“Those (Ministers of the State) who will have to defend

our freedom in future, should never think of killing their
opponents but should give up their own lives to defend it
_if need be. I care not a fig for what the Britisher states or
omits to state regarding our Swaraj. Swaraj can be won
by none but ourselves. For that very reason, when Jawahar-
lalji and others took the reins of government in their hands,
I told them, ‘From now on you have to wear a crown of
thorns.’ Our aim is to win complete independence for
India and we will never rest till that is gained. But if any
one cherishes the fond hope of driving out the Englishman
by the power of the sword, then, I say, he is labouring under
a delusion. The British nation is never afraid of an appeal
to arms. That nation has marvellous powers of tenacity,
perseverance and courage. So it will never yield to the pres¬
sure of an armed conflict. But if, in answer to the lives it
takes, we refuse to retaliate and offer in return many more of
our own lives, the British Government is certain to go down
under that courage of non-violence, and will then pack up
and quit. I know not of any power stronger than that of
true non-violence. I, for one, am thoroughly convinced that
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 171
the reason for our incapacity to win complete freedom as yet,
lies in our own defective practice of non-violence, and not
because it is itself ineffectual as a weapon. Be that as it may.
One thing is certain. The acceptance, by the representatives
of the British Government of the draft document that we had
drawn up, is due to nothing else than the might of non¬
violence, which we have so far attempted to cultivate.
If we go into the effects of the World War, we shall find
that even the victorious Allies have gained nothing. Any
gain to the enemies is then out of the question. Innumera-
able persons have been merely slaughtered and, worse than
that, the world is reduced to a plight in which it is half-dead
for want of food and raiment. I have no hesitation in saying
that, setting aside all doubts about the results, we must hones¬
tly and sincerely adopt non-violence as a policy, if not as a
creed. Our welfare lies, I assert, in entire reliance on the
power of self-confidence which we gain through non¬
violence.”

Referring then to the use of the English language

Eapuji continued, “English education has quite starv¬
ed our intellect of true knowledge and completely-
crippled us. I, for one, wish that our students be
taught many well-developed regional languages we
have. If only we are after it in right earnest and give
up our fondness for English, we can rapidly .train
our nation to the duties and responsibilities of true
citizenship.”
I came back to our homestead, even as Bapu-
ji’s speech was being translated, prepared milk and an
apple for Bapuji and lay down, as I was again run¬
ning a temperature. I got up, however, at 8.30 p.m.,
made Bapuji5s bed and completed my own work.
Then I rubbed him with oil, pressed his legs and
again went to bed as soon as I could.
172 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Bapuji, it seems, did not approve of my conti¬

nuing to work with fever. But without making an ado
I finished my work quietly and went to sleep. To¬
day’s diary was written on 6-2-’47.

Dharampur,
6-2-’47, Thursday

I got up for prayers as usual. Though Bapuji did

remark that I had fever all the night, I felt refreshed
and so was up betimes. But there was a slip in the reci¬
tation of the Bhagavadgita. I recited today the chap¬
ter that should have been recited tomorrow (Fri¬
day). Bapuji corrected me. “Your miss today shows
that you are ill. And yet I do not let you get any
rest nor do you take it on your own.” So, after giving
him warm water and fruit-juice I lay down again.
In a letter to ... he wrote, “Let the League
(Muslim League) and the princes do what they like.
The Congress has, in my opinion, nothing new to do.
My views on clothing and food are clear and defi¬
nite.”
At 7.30 a.m. we started from Shrinagar, halted
on the way at Sikandar Junia’s garden-home. I had
gone inside to meet the ladies. On our arrival here
the usual order of massage, bath etc., was followed.
Bapu took five almonds, five cashewnuts, vegetable,
fruit and milk for his meal. I felt restored after the
night’s rest and hence tackled all my usual work. But
since, in the afternoon my temperature rose to 104°,
I slept beside Bapuji for an hour from 4 to 5 p.m.
I woke up at prayer time (at 5) and went with him
to attend the prayers as usual.
Bapuji took absolutely nothing except some gur
for his evening meal. I was thus free from work after
 the fiery ordeal 173
piayers. He told me later on at night, “Just in order
to let you go to sleep early, I ate only gur today.”
Only at night did I come to know that Bapuji, in his
loving anxiety for my health, has abstained even from
1 ood, so that I could get to sleep early. I had till
then imagined that he had not taken anything due
probably to a slight indisposition. How anxious he is
about other people’s welfare! When I learnt the real
reason for his abstinence from food, I was really griev¬
ed at the thought that that was how I was punished
for neglecting my health.
Bapuji spoke on cleanliness in his prayer discourse
today.
“Cleanliness,” he declared, “is my principal and
favourite subject. I dislike many things Western, but
I have learnt specially from the West to train myself
to observe the laws of cleanliness. People here carry
home the same water for drinking purposes from the
ponds which they contaminate by washing their
clothes in them. This is a painful sight to me. With¬
out the least constraint people spit saliva and the red
juice of betel leaves anywhere and everywhere. This
sort of behaviour has become quite natural to us. But
it is to the shame of our country, and it pains me
deeply. Such uncleanliness is the cause of many
diseases that are rampant in our land. It is a wonder
to me how we manage to live at all in the midst of
filth and disease. The death-rate here is the highest
in the world. The most abject poverty should not
stand in the way of our observing the habits of
cleanliness. If we give up our sloth, we can soon turn
our land into a heaven. There is a proverb in English,
‘Cleanliness is next to godliness’. If we meditate on
the laws of outward cleanliness and practise them,
174 THE LONELY PILGRIM

the urge to be internally clean will follow automati-

cally.” , ...
In order to be in touch with the activities oi Bapu-
ji, many more press reporters are requesting him to.
let them accompany him. “Press reporters have inva¬
ded this region,” he remarked. “No convenience is pro¬
vided here for them. If they put on airs and graces in
their dress and manners, I would summarily ask them
to go away. But they are spending their days living
in a very simple style, quite in conformity with vil¬
lage ways. All the same, my advice to the press,
owners is that they should not undertake the un¬
necessary expense of sending reporters here. If they
have such an excess of money that they can waste it
on sending reporters here, let them rather send that
excess amount to me. The hardship here is so great
that all of them cannot stand it.”
A question was put to Bapuji: “You had stated in
1925 that you for one would like to introduce a clause
in our Constitution granting suffrage in Independent
India only to those who put in some physical labour
by way of service to the country. Do you still hold
that view?”
Bapuji replied, “I shall continue to adhere to
that view till the end of my life. Since man has been
made by God, it is man’s duty to eat nothing without
labouring for it. The rich should give away all their
wealth and work shoulder to shoulder with the less;
endowed in order to eat their daily bread. It is a
sin to accumulate wealth to oneself by the use of one s
intelligence and then, rolling in wealth, lead a life of
idle ease and luxury.”
Referring to the princes he said, “There are only
600 princes while their subjects are crores in number.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 175
I appeal to the princes to cease to be princes and
be servants of their subjects. Therein lies their own
good as well as that of all the others.”
Discussions on various topics thus crop up before
Bapuji and it is a treat to listen to and learn from
his considered opinions on them, as they are based on
his rich experience, and the knowledge gained thereby.

Prasadpur,
7-2-’47

Bapuji got up as usual at 3-30 a.m. Signed my

diary for both the days after the prayers were over,
and then did his Bengali lesson. Nirmalda read out
a letter in Bengali from a Bengali girl.
Left Dharampur at 7-35 a.m. and came here at
8-15. We are staying with Dr. Upendrakumar Mazum-
dar.
My health is now all right and Bapuji has al¬
lowed me to resume all my duties. So, on reaching
here I massaged him and attended on him during
his bath. When he came out, Sushilabahen Pai
arrived. She had carefully set apart some almonds and
cashewnuts for Bapuji’s use; she gave them to him.
He had some vegetable, milk, a few grains of puffed
rice and two cashewnuts but none of the khakharas.
The rest of the programme went on regularly.
Visitors came pouring in during the afternoon.
Among them were Rajkumar Chakravarty, Satish-
babu, Manoranjanbabu, Charuda, Ma (Hemapra-
bhadevi), Zaman Saheb with a police officer, Col.
Shahnawaz of the I. N. A., Haridasbhai, Belabahen
(Netaji Subhash Bose’s niece) and Niranjansing Gil.
While lying down with the mud-packs on Bapu¬
ji fell asleep for a short time. When he woke up he
176 THE lonely pilgrim

related to me a dream which he had. . . . You felt

it your duty to save that dying man and so you went
to him. But before you could reach him, you saw
that he was off his mental balance. So you gave him
two sound slaps and he approached you to beg to
forgive him. As you came to tell me about it and I
was about to pat you on the back for your grit? mY
eyes opened and the dream vanished.” Bapuji conti¬
nued, “I want to mould you into that Manu of my
dream. Let years, let ages pass before my dream is
realized; but that does not concern us. If we but conti¬
nue to do our duty'till we die, we shall finish in t e
next birth what is left incomplete in this. But for
such achievement illness is banned entirely. Firmness
along with humility and courtesy in speech and simple
self-controlled living are the essentials. And fear?
No quarter should be given to it at all. You are
certain to rise very high spiritually if you observe only
these principles.”
While he was still talking to me, revered Thakkar-
bapa arrived with a big bundle of post. Bapuji discus¬
sed some things with him for a while. Today’s letters
are full of spice.
In his interview with Zaman Saheb this evening,
Bapuji expressed himself on the prevalent practice of
giving free food to displaced persons from the chari¬
table granary. “Every human being,” he said, “should
earn his bread by labouring for it. The Government
should therefore start public works such as road-
repairs, village-reconstruction, industries on a co¬
operative basis etc., to provide them with gainful
employment. Only those of the displaced persons
who co-operate with the Government in such welfare
w ork have the right to take the full ration of food.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 111
Only here in our country entirely free feeding is in
vogue. They call it Charity5 but I am opposed to
such interpretation of the term. It has, in my opinion,
moially and materially, a very baneful effect on every¬
body, if able-bodied persons do not lift a finger for
their own maintenance, and yet expect free lodging
and boarding from the Government. All the same, I
have profound sympathy for displaced persons who are
helpless and shelterless. Speculation is not the right
way to earn money. I have absolutely no doubt that
our land will be transformed into a heaven, if every
one of us earned his bread by the sweat of his brow.
Poets, doctors, writers, teachers, lawyers, businessmen,
if they, one and all, but did their duty unselfishly and
employed their knowledge and skill in the service of
thennasses, each in his own way, our dear motherland
would rise to the top rank in the world.”

As. Bapuji was expounding his views in this

emphatic manner, I wondered how he expected such
n high moral standard from our fallen countrymen.
So I asked him what basis he had for such high expec¬
tations. “Why,” he replied, “if only one man begins
to do what I suggested, it will have its effect inevitably
on others. We should never give in to despair but
persevere in our efforts, against all odds. Besides,
if there are selfish men in India, there are not a mere
few sefless and noble sons of the soil. And you know
I am a student of the Bhagavadgita. Tt is ours/ says
Mother Gita, ‘to do our part of the work in all fervour
and honesty and without any craving for results.’ ”
Though it is Bapuji’s rule to spin in the afternoon,
he could not do so till after the evening prayers. There
was a rush of visitors who took up his entire time prior
to it. He listened to the papers as he spun. I read

L-12
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
178
the post to him and washed his feet. Then he lay
down on the bed. He was thoroughly fagged out
5 minutes had barely elapsed before he was sound
asleep, even as I was pressing his feet.
Then I wrote my letters home, copied those of
Bapuii, wrote up my diary and spun for a time. It
was the late hour of 12-30 p.m. by then, but I felt at
ease as I had finished ail my work that had been m
arrears.

Nandigram,
8-2-’47

When I went to bed late at night, Bapuji was

sound asleep, but he woke up at 1.30 a.m., roused
me and asked me to light a lamp. “I was already
awake,” he explained, and started chanting Rama-
nama. But there is a load on my mind of a letter I
have to write to the Magistrate, and Thakkarbapa
brought a heap of letters yesterday which I have yet
to read. So, bring me the light.” I gave it and
the papers etc., to him. “But why not continue to
Jelax on the bed and dictate letters to me?” I
suggested.
Bapuji dismissed my plea. “Yes, you can do that
when you are my age, seventy-seven,” he rejoined.
“For the present do as I say and get back to bed.
Without a word in reply, I went to bed. “What
a heinous criminal I should be, if I wake up a girl
at the dead of night, even when I can’t give her rest
by day and she has to work non-stop till late at night!”
he thought aloud.
I could immediately see that Bapuji was not
unaware of my late hours last night. But the fault
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 179
was mine and I had nothing more to say. Only. I
inwardly marvelled at Bapuji’s circumspection.
He carried on with his work from 1.30 to 3.15
a.m. I was then awakened again and asked to brush
my teeth. Then the prayers, during which a sweet
hymn was sung by Belabahen.
After that, he had honey in warm water and did
his Bengali lesson. Next relaxation, during which I
pressed his legs for a while. After a bare 15 minutes5
rest Bapuji was up again and had fruit juice. Then
it was time for us to start.

He has been working since 1.30 a.m. and says

he does not feel tired. “Had you gone to sleep early
last night, I would have made you do all that work.
But how can I ask you to wake up again at 1.30 a.m.
and do my work, when you went to bed so late?” he
asked. I too realized my error and regretted it.

Leaving Prasadpur at 7-30 a.m. we reached

here at 8-25. After sending a Tetter to Thakkarbapa,
Bapuji looked at the rest of the post and I prepared
for his massage. He was asleep for full 50 minutes
during it, it was all to the good, as he had kept awake
almost the whole of the previous night.
He cut down his midday meal to 2 khakharas,
6 oz. of milk, and a little vegetable.
Surendraji Ghosh, Lavanyaprabhabahen, Suche-
tabahen Kripalani, A/Tanoranjanbabu and other wor¬
kers from Midnapore interviewed him when he was
spinning.
Answering several (Questions put to him Bapuji
said today, “I have certainly come across stories of
the boycott of Hindus by Muslims. But it is not the
same story everywhere. Hindus moreover own more
ipo THE LONELY PILGRIM

lands than they can till themselves. Such a situa¬

tion is fraught with serious harm to both communi¬
ties. I advise the Hindus to keep for themselves only
as much land as they can actually cultivate, and
give away the rest. We ought not to possess anything,
big or small, in excess of our needs. Our nation
must strive to achieve this ideal.

“I have been in these parts for the last two or three

months. I have observed distinct signs of Hindus now
venturing to come forward and showing their courage
to some degree, or to put it better, they have shed off
some of their weakness. So also the Muslims, whose
attitude has undergone a perceptible change. Just a
few days back, a deity was re-installed by me in a
temple at Bhatialpur with Pyarelal’s efforts. That was
the very place where many temples had been destroy¬
ed only a little earlier. Not only did the Muslims
there attend the ceremony but they promised to de¬
fend the temple, if need be, at the cost of their lives.
‘Before anyone can touch the temple, he shad have to
trample on our corpses5, they vowed. It is by no
means a small thing that the communal winds should
change so favourably and that Muslims themselves
should come forward to take such a solemn oath. On
my way here I have noted some other pointers also,
big and small, which give one definite reasons for
satisfaction that some positive work has been done.
If my heart is pure and if I practise what I preach,
then this work is certain to last. It is my firm belief
that the private life of a worker should be in har¬
mony with his public service and should be equally
pure and transparent. Every good deed makes a man
immortal. That a man’s work stops or ends with his
life is a mistaken idea. So if my colleagues and
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 181
workers lead an inner and outer life of unsullied purity,
their work is sure to give them credit; if they don’t,
the people will automatically dislodge them from
their posts. This is not my law but the law of the
world. If there is even a trace of pride or hypocrisy
in a public worker, his fate is sealed.”
The evening prayers today were attended by
Sushilabahen Pai with 80 lady companions from Kar-
pada. Sushilabahen informed us that many of them
had never before stepped out of their village. They all
responded to the Ramadhuna very sweetly.
A very small space, hardly big enough to accom¬
modate Bapuji alone, has been provided us in this
village. All the rest have had to pitch tents. The
scene therefore looks like the encampment of a big
caravan, because the fleet of the press reporters and
photographers has grown quite large and the village
people too have joined us. A forest of tents has sprung
up in the fields.
After coming back from the prayers Bapuji drank
some whey, read the post and went to bed after
10 p.m. Recalling his rebuke of yesterday, I too went
to sleep immediately after I finished rubbing him
with oil and pressing his legs.

Vijayanagar,
9-2-’47

Prayers and his Bengali lesson as usual; and then

he wrote some letters. It is remarkable that women
are the principal workers here. These women came
right to Nandigram, singing hymns all the way, to es¬
cort Bapu to their village. As two little girls from
amongst them wanted very much to be Bapuji’s
182 THE LONELY PILGRIM

‘sticks’,* I complied with their request and arrived

here with Nirmalda by a short cut.
I could thus arrange everything to my liking
before Bapuji arrived. Immediately upon his airival,
I washed his feet and massaged him and he had his
bath and meal, which was thus finished before
10.30 a.m. Today was the earliest of all the meals he
ate during the pilgrimage.
Belabahen left us from here. When she departed,
she promised Bapuji to send him a cheap but mira¬
culous cure for Kishorlalkaka’s asthma. It is a tried
and proven remedy,” she affirmed. But Bapuji did not
take her seriously and said in a lighter vein, “Well!
In return, I promise to give you a good prize if
KishorlaPs asthma bids him a final adieu.”
As I still had a trace of my cold, Bapuji made me
go to bed in the afternoon and ordered me not to get
up till he told me. So I went to sleep, but when my
eyes opened I found that Bapuji had already set up
his spinning wheel and was spinning. I was cross
with him and said rather peevishly, “Already spin¬
ning! Then you wouldn’t have awakened me if I
hadn’t woken up myself! I never imagined that you
would set up the wheel yourself, and wake me up so
late.”
Bapuji laughed at my protest and answered,
“How can you imagine the joy I feel in doing some
work myself? As it is, you have been doing a good
deal of my work and will go on doing it. But whenever

*Gandhiji, while walking, used to put his hands upon the

shoulders of two youngsters moving on both of his sides. This
he did to support himself in his movement. The youngsters,
therefore, came to be known in his group as sticks !
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 183
I get a chance to do some work I hail the oppor¬
tunity and simply love to put it to a good use. Do
you want to realize how severe and exacting I can
be? Then first be strong and hard like steel. Does
the smith ever have any pity for the piece of iron which
he heats red-hot and hammers with all his might?
I can be as merciless.— but only when you get as tough
and strong as steel. Just as the smith forges a pretty
shape from iron-scrap, I, too, can make you divinely
beautiful — but only then. So you can rightly aspire
to do all my work but only when you are brimming
over with health and spirits.”
Then he began to dictate the remaining letters.
At that time Va 1 imahammadbhai of Upaleta (Sau-
rashtra) came for an interview. Bapuji began his
silence today early at 5.20, even before the prayers.
So only his written speech was read at the prayer¬
meeting today. It answered some questions put to him
by workers.
One of them was: “After spending the whole life
in national service, some workers are seized with a
fondness for power. How then is one to maintain
control over their colleagues and assistants ? And how
can an institution retain its democratic character?
Experience shows that any non-co-operation with
workers is not feasible since it only adds to the diffi¬
culties in carrying out the work.”
Bapuji replied, “Man is by nature fond of power;
that fondness ends only with his death. It is therefore
difficult for others to check the public servant who is
power-mad. One of the many reasons for this pro¬
blem is the possibility of others also possessing the
same fault, consciously or unconsciously. Then again
there is literally no organization in the world which
184 THE LONELY PILGRIM

is conducted on entirely non-violent lines. Till that is

done, we can never claim a wholly democratic cha¬
racter for any institution whatsoever. No democracy
can be perfect without complete non-violence for its
basis. If, however, the object is selfless and the me¬
thods employed clean, non-co-operation with a
worker is bound to succeed; moreover, it can never
adversely affect the institution concerned. In the
instance cited, failure of non-co-operation may be
due simply to lack or total absence of true non¬
violent spirit. It is my experience that those who com¬
plain against other people’s craving for power are
themselves suffering from the same malady. The
result is that where a difference arises between two
rivals having the same nature, none of them is satis¬
fied if that defect is pointed out to them and botn the
parties are infuriated.
“It will be a sad day for India if our villagers pick
up the same dirty game for gaining power that people
in the towns have. If workers go to villages to grab
power for themselves, they will prove to be hurdles,
not helps, in the path of progress by the villages. I
advise a village worker to persevere in his work with¬
out looking for results and accept such local help as
he can get. Our work can never suffer if we are not
enamoured of power. We, the city-dwellers, supposed
to be wise, educated and enlightened, have committed
the heinous crime of entirely neglecting the villages of
India. If we bear that in mind and repent sincerely
for our sin, we shall slowly obtain results. I have been
in many villages and have always found at least one
honest worker in every village. That shows that vill-
lages, basically, still retain their fundamental good¬
ness. But we have not humility enough to detect and
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 185
acknowledge what is good in the villages. One who
wants to do some useful work in a village should keep
himself aloof from the local partisan groups. He must
humbly accept any help, be it by members of various
parties or by men belonging to none. Specially
in order that we may be one of the villagers ourselves,
I have placed only one colleague in each of the vil-
lages here. In cases where a worker does not know
Bengali I have given him, as an exception, another
worker to act as an interpreter. I find that this me¬
thod gives good results. We have the bad habit of
jumping to conclusions. That no work can be done in
a village without help from outside is one such mis¬
taken idea. If you take your courage in your hands
and start work with whatever local help you can get.
you are sure to succeed. And even in the case of fail-
lure we shall rise as a nation, if we learn to blame
ourselves for it and not some one else, such as ‘the other
fellow or ‘the rotten times’. I am absolutely certain
on this point.”
Our host here is Jogeshchandra Mazumdar.
There are 1269 Muslims and 865 Hindus here. Many
houses have been burnt and even money has been
exacted in the name of the Muslim League. Almost
all the Hindus have been forcibly converted. Most of
them are tantis (weavers). The rich higher caste-Hindus
have vacated the village, almost to the last person.
In his midday meal Bapuji had a handful of
puffed rice, 5 almonds, 2 cashewnuts, some vegetable
and milk 8 oz. Then at 2 p.m. he had the water of two
cocoanuts, and in the evening before the prayers,
8 oz. of milk with a tablespoon of dry date powder.
After the prayer-meeting he took 2 teaspoons of
honey in warm water, as he was listening to the
/

186 THE LONELY PILGRIM

papers being read aloud. Had a stroll of about 2^

miles in the evening. At 9.45 Bapuji retired for the
night, and I at 10.30 p.m.

Vijayanagar,
10-2-’47, Monday

I had nothing particular to do this morning as

we are to stay here for 2 days. We got up as usual
before prayer time, brushed our teeth and prayed.
Bapuji then did his Bengali lesson. As it was his day
of silence, he wrote two thought-provoking letters to
... and ....
As I am still not free of my cold, Bapuji wrote on
a slip of paper:
“You ought to find a way of getting rid of this
running nose of yours. Ramanama is certainly the
sovereign and never-failing remedy. So it ought to
cure you. . . . See! You have to admit it. If you wrap
something around your throat and chest, I think it
will help. Whether it helps or not, it is certain that
one of the rules for the efficacy of Ramanama is that
the laws of nature should not be broken. Think over
and realize the full significance of this statement.”
At 7.35 a.m. sharp we went out for a stroll. We
were going towards Gopinathpur, but even after
45 minutes5 walk, there was no sign of the village.
So Bapuji inquired how far it was. He was informed
that it would take about 15 minutes more to reach
the place. That would take us at least 2 hours to get
back home. “I can never finish my pilgrimage in this
desultory way. Everything has its limit,55 he remarked
in some chagrin. So we turned back; even so, it was
already 8.55, when we returned home. Then I washed
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 187
his feet. During the massage Bapuji had a nap for
30 minutes. Today is his day of silence; the outlook
is depressing and lonely.
His midday meal consisted of 1 khakhara, some
vegetable, milk 8 oz. and 1 grapefruit. Then cocoa-
nut water in the afternoon. He was engaged in reading
and writing nearly the whole day.
Bapuji was asked, “A Muslim merchant here used
to sell his goods with a correct balance and a Hindu
with a false one. Does this not show that the Mus¬
lim, as a businessman, is honest and his Hindu
counterpart dishonest?”
He replied, “In this imperfect world, no single
community is comprised of only honest members,
and there is not a single community, which is com¬
prised of only dishonest members. The individual —
Hindu or Muslim — who cheats his customers this way
is certainly dishonest, but I cannot understand how,
on that account, a whole community can be indicted
as such.”
“Noakhali is a beautiful land with inexhaustible
natural resources, If to that is added real fraternal
lbve and heart-to-heart unity between Muslims and
Hindus, I would hail the land as a heaven on earth.
But at present, the Hindus are still mortally afraid.
The condition of those Hindus, however, who have
returned here, is tolerably happy, as I am told by
the local officers. Many of my Muslim friends say that
they wish the Hindus to return to their homes. But
where is the necessary provision for their food etc.?
And the communal atmosphere is still not as clear as
I wish it to be. Like the proverb ‘The wearer alone
knows where the shoe pinches’, others cannot easily
gauge how the Hindus feel. They would be at ease
183 THE LONELY PILGRIM

and the atmosphere would become clear, only when

the offenders who have gone underground come out
into the open, confess their crimes and do something
by way of repentance. Only then can those people
who are now terror-stricken and on tenterhook can
enjoy freedom from fear and peace of mind. As for
myself, I have come here to see if my non-violent
methods succeed in the test which the situation here
offers. In non-violence, there is no scope for failure.
I am here to do or die. There is no other course open
to a non-violent person, who sincerely longs for har¬
mony between both the communities or for that mat¬
ter between all the peoples of the world. For me at
least there is none.55
He took only one ounce ofgur in the evening.
Two local women workers were scalded with hot
water. I was going to take vaseline to them, when
Bapuji stopped me. ‘‘Where’s the sense in using such
a medicine in a village? Ask them to apply a thin
layer of earth on their legs and then a paste of lime
and oil,55 he instructed me, and added, “if local
workers use well-known and costly foreign medi¬
cines in this way, how will it affect the poor masses
of our villages ? Instead of gaining anything there¬
by, they will, on the contrary, develop a new bad
habit. Have not tea and bidi* and even fashionable
cigarettes penetrated into remote villages ? And
who is to blame for it? Not villagers but townsmen,
who set the ball of fashion rolling.55 And really those
women did obtain relief from this cheap, easy to hand
remedy. When I went to see how they fared, I found
them much better.

*An indigenous cigarette.

 THE FIERY ORDEAL 189

From his smallest acts, one can learn lessons of

discrimination as regards our duties; and these les-
son>, coming from his rich mine of wisdom, are not
always one and the same kind but full of variety.

After coming back from those injured sisters, I

rubbed oil on Bapuji’s scalp, pressed his legs, wrote
some letters and went to bed.

Haimachandi,
ll-2-’47, Tuesday

Hardly had we got up from our beds, when

Nirmalda read to Bapuji telegrams from. ... He
drafted their replies immediately after prayers. The
oven here does not burn quickly as there is much
humidity in the air. So his warm water with honey
was delayed and with it his fruit juice. Our pilgrimage
started onward as soon as the juice was taken.
Before leaving Vijayanagar Bapuji inspected the
latrines and the general sanitation of the village. He
gave some instructions to improve them, but on the
whole he was satisfied.
During our tramp, he repeated to Col. Jivan-
sinhaji some beautiful maxims of the Prophet of
Islam. They are of use not only to Muslims but to
all humanity and so are worth quoting:
1. Rush to the rescue of every human being, be he a
Muslim or not, if he is oppressed.
2. Whoever commits adultery, theft, drinks intoxicants,
robs others and cheats a man of his money is not a true
Muslim; is less than a man. So wake up man! and be
alert.
3. He who has control over his mind, his feelings etc., is
the greatest of conquerors.
190 THE LONELY PILGRIM /

4. God drives out an adulterer from His presence. Not He,

but Satan abides with him.
5. A wicked scholar is the worst man on earth and an un¬
lettered good man the best.
6. That man is a perfect believer and a man in its real
sense, who never inflicts any injury upon any one by
word or deed.
7. God smiles upon the person who pities His creatures.
8. He alone deserves to be called a man, who is never
treacherous and runs to the aid of his enemy, if he
trusts him. %

9. I disclaim that person as mine, who tells a lie or breaks

his promise.
10. He is not one of the faithful nor even a man, who does
not wish for his brother what he desires for himself.
11. Who labours neither for himself nor for others receives
not God’s grace.
12. Through fasting and self-control, my followers will be¬
come morally and physically chaste.
13. Woman is the other half of man.
14. A holy woman is the most precious and the noblest
thing on earth.
15. He alone is the man of true knowledge, who not only
knows it but lives up to it.
16. Don’t thrash women. Don’t cast a lustful glance at them.
Treat all women, except the wife, as mothers, sisters or
daughters.”

Bapuji went on, “Fortunately many such very

valuable rules of conduct and ways to be happy are
given in all gospels. If we ponder over them and
follow them in our daily lives, our land will soon be
the foremost of all nations which are, at present, consi¬
dered advanced.”
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 191
As I washed his feet on arrival here, Bapuji told
me, “If a man commits these sayings of the Prophet
to memory, meditates upon them in the morning
and then in the evening, evaluates his good and bad
deeds of the day, according as he has kept to these
rules or broken them, then he is sure to be trans¬
formed into a new man altogether in fifteen days.”
I was late in preparing for his massage today.
Bapuji utilized that time in writing many letters in
Gujarati. There is no convenience provided us here
except a bare hut and I had to do everything myself
from the beginning. For almost a week I am again
having fever with cold; so I took quinine pills given
by Nirmalda. Leaving aside his own work, he helped
me with mine. Hunarbhai cut the vegetable. I set
the cooker to boil and massaged Bapuji. We are doing
all the work ourselves without any extraneous aid.
Nirmalda is a high-grade professor in the Calcutta
University, but without any false sense of shame, he
sat down to light the oven himself. Our group —
or shall I say, ‘our family’ ?—-is thus united by strong
ties of love and harmony. I being the youngest am
the most favoured.
Bapuji is afraid that I shall catch pneumonia.
He warned me, “If you get fever today, I shall have
to give you the ‘wet-sheet pack’. At one time there
was no hope of Manilal’s recovery. So I took the risk
of the wet-sheet pack experiment and he was cured.
More than all others he enjoys perhaps the best of
health now. So we can’t sit idle when your fever
persists like this. But I demurred.
“You promised to obey me”, countered Bapuji
and quoted a Gujarati proverb: ‘Who does not keep
his word, is worth a penny.’
192 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Bapuji has a knack of carrying his point even in

small matters by quoting the right proverb. And
to strengthen his plea he recalled to a saying (see
maxim No. 9, on page 190.) of the Prophet which
he had made me meditate upon in the morning.
That was the most splendid lesson I learnt today.
In the morning meal he had 2 khakharas, some
vegetable and milk 8 oz. After serving Bapuji at his
meal and washing the clothes, I rubbed ghee on his
legs. Bapuji then asked me to go to sleep forth¬
with. He laid himself down only when he made sure
that I had applied the hot indigenous phlogistine
on my chest and ribs before I slept. This was how it
was made: fine sieved earth-powder was thoroughly
mixed with salt, dried ginger, parsley seed (ajajna)
and turmeric. Some water was then added to make
a paste of the mixture, which was heated and applied
warm. Cotton was then covered on the sticky paste.
That is the careful and loving treatment which
Bapuji’s patients receive.
Baba and Hemaprabhabahen came up in the
evening.
Slowly and steadily I worked on till the evening
prayers. When I went to attend them, I had a feel¬
ing of a rise in temperature, but I rested only when,
after the prayers, I gave Bapuji milk, mixed with
an ounce of dry-date powder, and three oranges. Then
I stretched myself out and Bapuji took the tempera¬
ture which was 105°. I had a wracking headache
too. Nirmalda had hoped that I would have no fever
today, as full 15 grains of quinine had gone into my
stomach. But no. It did make its unwanted visit
quite punctually. Baba, Ma (Hemaprabhabahen)
and others were all sitting by me, watching.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 193
“So you are again lying down with the quiet,
innocent look of a child that has just committed a
fault!55 remarked Bapuji laughing. The result was that
I had to accept that ‘wet-sheet pack5 after all. But it
induced long and sound sleep. My eyes opened as
late as 12.30 at night and I found myself drenched
all over in profuse perspiration. The papers were
read to Bapuji by Shailenbhai and then Bapuji, too,
had fallen asleep. He woke up when I did, at 12.30
and took my temperature, which had now come
down to normal. So I got up, tidied Bapuji’s bed,
washed his feet, pressed his legs, rubbed him with
oil and crushed the end of a babul tooth-stick for the
next morning. Then both Bapuji and I went to bed at
1 a.m. Slept soundly and at one stretch till it was
morning. Only when Nirmalda came to awaken us,
Bapuji woke up himself and roused me.
, . /

After prayers, Bapuji explained to me lovingly,

like a mother, things a teenage girl should know. As
it will be of use to many others I give some of it
below:

“A false sense of modesty spoils the health of our

girls, and in India perhaps more than anywhere else.
Women forget, or they are never taught to see, the
truth that today’s girl is tomorrow’s mother. For
this sorry state of affairs, every adult, male or female,
is responsible. It is woman who can provide the coun¬
try with either saints and great men or thieves, villains,
murderers etc. ... At the age of about 13 years,
that still frolicking and gambolling child is neither
mature enough in age or wisdom and requires the
utmost love and care from parents. That is principally
the mother’s function and responsibility. Instead of

L-13
194 THE LONELY PILGRIM

getting this special love she receives quite the opposite

treatment in India. When a girl grows to that age,
she feels like a helpless waif. She is treated as if she
has committed some crime against society. She is for¬
bidden to stir out except with a chaperon. This suspi¬
cious attitude has a very harmful effect on her young
impressionable mind.
“The modern dress of our girls has done an equal
amount of harm to her physical constitution. Either
she wears, of her own choice, or she is made to wear,
clothes so tight that the very sight moves me to pity
them. I wonder if they can even breathe freely. This
craze for the latest fashion has played havoc amongst
us. What a pity that the modern girl attaches greater
importance to following the code of fashion than to
the protection of her health and strength! All this
has reduced her to the condition of a delicate doll. If
women merely attended to building healthy bodies,
preserved their modesty and adopted complete simpli¬
city and purity in their manners, food, behaviour
and activities, dress, reading matter, studies and
culture, in short, in all their activities, living simple
lives in keeping with nature, then, I am sure, our
nation will produce holy and brave saints like Daya-
nand Saraswati and world-champion wrestlers like
Gama. Were they not sons of our womanhood? But
they are just a few at present and I nurse the hope
of their growing to as many as the stars in heaven.
Certainly the menfolk are not a whit less responsible
than our women for our present plight. But what a
great difference will it make, even if only one of the
sexes takes it into its head that this wrong attitude
should end for ever! With that vision always before
my mind’s eye, I happened to become your mother.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 195
So if I can t train you to the pattern of my dream, I
shall, consider myself as one who has no right to
cherish it.

I am glad that you have been staying with me

and have shown no fear; and I appreciate and fully
realize the value of this. Hence, I shall certainly
continue to train you as long as you are in my charge.
And I do not consider that is a waste of time. Even
if, as mother to you alone, l.e. to only one girl, I suc¬
ceed in bringing you up to be a noble specimen of
womankind, I shall present to the world a model of an
ideal woman and have the satisfaction of having thus
served the many millions of the world’s daughters. And
the world s fathers too will be given an object
lesson through me, as to how to educate their daugh¬
ters, by being mothers to them. Besides, when a man,
in order to satisfy the demand of his conscience —his
innei self •, sets to do a good deed in spite of diffi¬
culties and criticism, and suffers for it, he begins to
care less and less for the world’s opinion for or against
him. And he is quite right too there. The inner self
is akin to God Himself. Why then should we not cheer¬
fully suffer hardships, however great, in order to attain
that better self? Why should we dance to the tune
of another’s opinion just to please him? There is
of course ample scope for discrimination and restraint.
It is hypocrisy and a sheer lie for a man to believe
that he can improve his inner self by taking intoxi¬
cating drinks or committing adultery and refusing
to listen to wise counsel. That, I suppose, needs no
further clarification. So, it is the first and foremost
duty of a man to satisfy the inner self, i.e. to follow
its dictates with the utmost sincerity and honesty of
feeling.
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
196
“That’s what I am trying to do here. That atti¬
tude i.e. honesty to one’s self I consider to be an
indispensable necessity for the performance of this
x sacrifice. I want to test myself as much as possible
here, so that I may be both examiner and exa¬
minee. And what matters it even if I fail in the
test? Success or failure rests with God, and I want
none but Him to be the witness of my trials and their
results. Why should we worry over the question ol
victory or defeat? If there is the faintest, trace of
insincerity anywhere, even unconsciously, in me or
in you, the world will at once detect it. This is. a
unique experiment in self-sacrifice. I am undergoing
austere self-immolation, in order to create fraterna
love by winning all hearts. There is no place here for
any affectation of love. If there is, it is sure to come out
into the open, and the world will then run me down
with abuse and disgrace me. Even then both the
world and I stand to gain thereby. I gam by having
a ^ood corrective. The world will find out that their
‘Mahatma’ was a hoax and will think twice in future
before giving that honorary title to anyone. The
world thus gains in both ways! Either I am, or. I
am not, a real Mahatma. If I am, the world can gam
by learning from me whatever there is worth learning.
If I am not, the world will be wakeful and chaiy, as
I have already said, in giving anyone such a. respect¬
ful title. I am trying to impress upon, you^this simple
truth which is really as clear as daylight.
In this way, as he was sipping his honey-water
in the serene quiet of the small hours of the morning
of the 12th, Bapuji bared his heart sincerely and frank¬
ly. Every sentence, every word of this continuous
stream of discourse was charged with love, such as
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 197
only a mother has. And the same serenity, as that of
the quiet stillness of the morn, spread over his face,
as he presented to my mental eyes the picture of his
services to the world’s daughters through training
me. He felt himself a responsible servant of woman¬
kind in the cause of her uplift.

Kafilatali
13-2-’47, Wednesday
As I wrote up my diary of yesterday it includes
what Bapuji told me while taking warm water after
the prayers. I finished writing yesterday’s notes early
this morning when he was reading the post, after
the prayers.
We started from Haimchandi at 7.30 a.m. Hal¬
ted for a while at the quarters of‘The Friends’ Unit’.
They are doing their work with much zeal. Bapuji
was delighted to hear of it.
I am now completely cured. The indigenous
anti-phlogistine — the paste of heated earth — worked
wonders ! Only a day’s application was enough to dry
the phlegm and cure my cough. And all this without
the cost of a pie!
On our way here, Bapuji referred to my recovery
but continued chiefly with his edifying talk of the
morning:
“I am trying to mould your character; whether
it will bear results or fail, I can’t say at present. When
a potter pats the clay into the form of a baking pan
or a spherical jar, can he know in advance whether
it will break or have a crack? He goes on putting clay
vessels of various artistic shapes into the kiln. Some
break, some have a slight defect and others turn out
well. I too am a potter with a different clay in hand
198 THE LONELY PILGRIM

and I am shaping you like that potter who hopes for

the best results. If my vessel has a crack or gets broken
in the process, it will be your ill-luck as well as mine.
But neither you nor I can do anything to avert the
disaster. So we should never be worried about the
result. We have but to see, like the potter, that the
clay is of a high quality, smooth and pliant, and the
vessel patted is well-shaped and strong. We must
leave it at that; for, after it goes into the kiln, God will
look after it, as it is His province not ours. In the
same way, the pre-requisites for our sacrifice here, are
truth, purity, total absence of affectation and hypocrisy,
every action after grave deliberation, repeated consul¬
tation with the Inner Voice, behaviour strained through
the sieve of discrimination and total indifference as to
whether it will please or offend others. If I have that
high-quality clay in my hands — and I believe I have it
— I shall have no difficulty at all in moulding you into
the right shape. But if there is one hard particle,
i.e. if you have even a slight deficiency, it is sure to come
in the way of the perfect shape. You are the lump of
clay and I the potter. It is because I have praised you
in my letters to ... , that I keep on trying to
make you always vigilant. You can ask me anything
whatsoever without fear of a rebuff. To fight and
brave dangers for the cause of Truth is to me nothing
but a sport. I have never been frightened in such
battles. God has always sustained me.
“You will find, if you think back, that I have raised
many an institution and then brought it down without
the least compunction, if it did not fulfil my ideals,
e.g. a big institution like the Sabarmati Ashram. So,
if I find the smallest gravel in you, my clay, I will lose
no time in breaking up my jar, just as the potter
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 199
does. I have been hammering all this upon your
mind from the morning, in order that you may be
always alert and on guard.55
This warning seemed to me even more serious
and fraught with graver undertones than his talk of
the morning, though that was serious enough; and I
wondered if my stay with Bapu was not as difficult as
a tight-rope dance. But God is great! He always
endows me with the strength to pass through Bapuji’s
fiery tests.
Dr. Sushilabahen, who was at the Red Cross
Centre, has come here with us. She is proceeding to
Delhi to attend a meeting of the Kasturba Memorial
Trust. She examined Bapuji’s blood-pressure. It
was 192/110.
'yVe came here at 7.30 a.m.. It took us till 11
a.m. to finish his massage, bath etc. Then his meal
of two khakharas, milk, a small square-piece of sandesh
and one grapefruit. During his meal he finished some
letters to Delhi, to give them to Sushilabahen before
she left. He rested from 12-30 to 1 p.m. Then spin¬
ning and dictation of letters simultaneously. 2.30 p.m.,
cocoanut-water. From 3-30 to 4 p.m., earth-packs
both on the head and the stomach this time. Though
the rush of visitors continued, he snatched a ten-minute
nap. After prayers, a steam-boiled apple and 8 oz.
of milk. Then, returning from his evening walk, he
listened to the newspapers and some letters. Warm
water with honey at night.

Bapuji, overcome with fatigue, flung himself down

in the bed at 9-45. He strongly disapproves my keeping
awake for a minute after he himself goes to bed. So I
try to cope with all my work before he retires.
200 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Kerva East,
l4-2-’47

Woke up at 3-30 a.m. as usual. Then blushed

his teeth and prepared his Bengali lesson. Listened to
my diary and signed it. After a little correspondence
work, he felt tired and went to sleep at 6-15 a.m. to
wake up again at 7-15.
His letters today contained among other points,
this: “We should never keep company with a man
who follows immoral ways, no matter how highly
valued he is by the world. . . . God has -showered
his blessings on me till now. As for man s condem¬
nation and even chastisement, I have grown too thick-
skinned for them.” What a perfect man of God
Bapuji has grown into could be seen from some of
his letters of today.
He expressed himself in favour of a commission
of inquiry into . . . since he believes that no one
should object to a probe, through an impartial tri¬
bunal, if what has truth for its foundation and support
is assailed with grave charges. On the contrary, theie
should be an insistence on an inquiry. Truth, he said,
can never be defeated or harmed.
We left Kafilatali at 7-30 a.m. and reached here
at 8-10. This village was quite near to the place we
had just left.
It is cold and cloudy today. I washed Bapuji’s
feet on arrival here. Under the guidance of Shailen-
bhai, Bapuji read and translated the last poem of a
Bengali book Shikshana. He never misses an oppor¬
tunity to make any Bengali — adult or child — his
Guru in order to learn the language.
I massaged Bapuji indoors as the weather was
cloudy and windy. After his bath he ate sparingly
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 201

today, taking only 8 oz. of milk and a little of the

residue of the cocoanut pulp after oil was extracted
from it. He gave up his khakharas altogether. At
2 p.m., honey in hot water and one grapefruit. At
4, only cocoanut water. Bapuji made all these changes
in his diet as he is heavily pressed with work.
Even in the evening he took nothing but whey.
Then he dictated letters to Gopinath Bardoloi,
Maulana Saheb (Abul Kalam Azad), Jawaharlalji
and Jairamdasji.
During the time that Bapuji was reading the
sayings of the Prophet Mahamad, three Muslim
brothers came up. “Bless us that our hearts may
remain pure,” they urged. Bapuji replied,
“Mahamad Saheb says, ‘Live in the world but with
a sense of a travellers5 caravanserai where you put up
for a night, to leave the next morning. Death may
pounce upon us and wing us off at any moment. The
best man is he who leads a long busy life, performing
good deeds. The test of a man’s worth lies not in what
he claims to be, i.e. in his speech, but in his deeds.’
This wise sermon is beneficial not only to Muslims
but to all men and women of the world.”
An extract frQm his prayer-speech:
“How beautiful and generous Nature is in
Noakhali ! But our hearts are not kind. We can
never have peace as long as we nurse untouchability in
our hearts. Is it good, is there any sense, in regarding
any human being — our own flesh and blood — as too
loathsome to be touched by us? Untouchability is
the biggest and the darkest stain on Hinduism. Is it
not true that you consider these poor people ‘untouch¬
ables5, in return for the great service they do us in re¬
moving our night-soil and other filth? The real
202 THE LONELY PILGRIM

untouchable is he who is immoral, who murders his

fellowman, commits adultery, plays foul or is a toper.
Please realize clearly this distinction between the real
and the so-called ‘untouchable’. The Britishers are
sure to quit India. But as long as we do not comp¬
letely eradicate this stigma of untouchability, we can
never enjoy true Swaraj.”
Premabahen Kantak has arrived; Bapuji spent
nearly the whole time after prayers in talking to her.
Then he listened to the papers. There was noth¬
ing else worthy of note. I washed Bapuji’s feet after
9-30 p.m. and then he went to bed.
Kerva West,
15-2-’47
He woke up a little earlier than the prayer time,
i.e. at 3 a.m. So he went through the post till it was
time for prayers, which Premabahen conducted today.
Then his usual Bengali lesson and again further talks
with Premabahen nearly the whole time before we
started on the next stage of our pilgrimage.
Dr. Sushilabahen came here to bid farewell to
Bapuji as she is proceeding to Delhi. We kept to the
programme as planned, and at 7-30 left for Raipura.
Raipura,
15-2-’47
Exactly at 8-10 a.m. Bapuji stepped into the
building here which is a Union Centre. Talks with
Premabahen had continued even during our tramp
here. Bapuji suggested that she should go both to
Delhi and Sevagram.
After the massage and bath, his meal: 3 khakharas
6 oz. of milk, some vegetable and yeast as well as an
orange and a grapefruit.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 203
During his meal he dictated letters to Jawaharlalji
and Bardoloiji. I was therefore late for my bath and
meal.
A card dated 8-2-’47 written by Thakkarbapa
from Hemchar reached us here today, after a week!
So a card from a nearby village took full 7 days to
reach us! That is a sample of the vagaries of the Postal
Department here.
The people of this town, including Muslim
brothers, wanted to present a welcome address to
Bapuji. They had a wooden casket beautifully carved,
and enclosed the welcome address in it.
It is difficult to put into words what a glorious
victory for Bapuji all this meant. In the region where
none dared utter the name of Rama, Ramadhuna and
hymns are sung daily all along our route. Muslim
brothers and sisters insist that Bapuji should put up
with them. Members of all communities freely join
in my public activity, like this one of a welcome-ad¬
dress. This is by no means a small achievement! But
what is the power behind it? Such a spectacular
victory is the natural result of Bapuji’s moral courage
in putting into literal practice the precept ‘First offer
thy head and then take God’s name’. And yet he
never proclaims this underlying reason. “It is God
alone who gets things done” is always his belief and
assertion. Such is the selfless Karmayoga* of Bapuji.
Disallowing a public presentation of the welcome-
address Bapuji said, “Give that address to me here
and now. How can I indulge in receiving such
splendid welcome-addresses at a time like this? And
love is a thing of the heart. There is no need to put

*Union with God through action

204 THE LONELY PILGRIM

love of the heart in a show-case for an exhibition. And

what have I done in particular to deserve it? What
you feel as my achievement is due entirely to Khuda’s
grace. Keep your love for me in your hearts and
carry on. If, moved by your love for me you do the
work I suggest, it is to my mind the best of recep¬
tions ever given for me. Don’t frighten others or be
afraid of them.”
With these words addressed to a group of some
four or five leaders, who were Muslims, high-caste
Hindus and Hindu weavers, and who thus represented
the entire town, Bapuji accepted the casket of the
address then and there, though they wanted to present
it at the prayer meeting.
I liked that casket very much. It was certainly a
beautiful piece of art. But more than that, I requested
Bapuji to let me keep it with me as a memento or
prize of the victory of his historic pilgrimage of peace.
Bapuji immediately agreed to the idea with a broad
laugh and remarked, “Yes! I know you like to pre¬
serve such things. But I for one would like you to
have it, only if you feel inspired by looking at it, and
always attempt to do something good.*
Nirmalda has gone to Vijayanagar; so Baba
translated Bapuji’s prayer speech. At first he had
asked Shailenbhai to translate it, but changed his
mind later on. Abelbhai’s son Sarhuddinbhai met
us on our way to the prayer-meeting and told Bapuji
many things. At the end of the meeting, Bapuji went
to see a temple which has been transformed into a
Pakistani Club. He talked about the matter to
Baba and the local friends promised to do the needful
*This historic gift is still with me, preserved as an object of
inspiration.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 205

about it. As the Imamsaheb of the town was ill,

Bapuji paid a visit to him also.
There are six unions in this Division, of which
this is the fourth. The total population of the Divi¬
sion is 45,000 and of this Union 22,000; among them
95% are Muslims and 5% Hindus. These latter are
landlords, merchants and weavers.
After 9-30 p.m. Bapuji went to bed. Prior to
retiring he spun his yarn (as he could not do so earlier)
and listened to the papers as well.

Rayapura,
16-2-’47
Woke up for prayers as usual. As we are to halt
for 2 days here, I was practically free in the morning.
After prayers, I gave Bapuji honey in warm water,
copied some letters, wrote up my diary, and then my
letters home. After a long interval,^ I was able to
write letters to Jny family as 1 find no time for it.
Bapuji has asked me to make it a rule to write letters
home whenever we halt for 2 days at a stretch. My
elder sister had complained to him that she had not
heard from me for a month. So, as he was taking his
juice, he rebuked me for my negligence and made me
sit down in front of him to write letters to all at
home. That is how he attends to all matters.
Went out for a stroll exactly at 7-30 a.m. . . . has
asked me some questions, on which Bapuji commented:
. . ought to have put these questions straight to me;
and his language is rotten. . . . has several grave
defects which cannot but show through in his words
and deeds. No man is able to detect faults in himself
when his head is filled with egotism. Pride is an arch¬
enemy of mankind. But I don’t like this term ‘enemy’
206 THE LONELY PILGRIM

or ‘opponent’ for these weaknesses. If a man can see

the error of his ways or detect pride in himself, and
shed them off, how very high he will rise in life. So,
his egotism provides him with a chastening lesson.
How can we then call it our ‘enemy’ ? Do I turn into
your enemy, if I point out your faults ? On the con¬
trary, you learn from it. In the same way, vanity,
when it is found out carries us far in our progress.
But this capacity to discern one’s own shortcomings
is a strictly self-taught talent, just like that of the
person who has to digest what he eats by means of his
own digestive apparatus and nobody else’s. If they
are healthy and strong, the digestive juice secrete auto¬
matically and the food is assimilated and turned into
blood. If they are weak, the man is sure to fall a prey
to a disease. This same law of self-reliance holds good
for every other human activity.”
On our return, I washed Bapuji’s feet. After the
massage and bath, he had one khakh'&ra^ 8 oz. of milk
and a vegetable. Then letters to Madalsabahen and
Kishorlalkaka. Attended at 2 p.m. a cosmopolitan din¬
ner organized by the townsmen. There was great
noise and bustle there. Bapu didn’t say there any¬
thing worth recording. Returning from the dinner,
he saw, in company with Shahbuddin Saheb, the local
mosque. He went into its basement also. Returned
at nearly 3-30 p.m. and spun a remaining sliver. After
that, he had the mud-packs on his head and stomach.
As I was pressing his legs, he repeated his advice of
self-dependence, like that in the digestive process, for
improvement in moral conduct; and, emphasizing the
need to cultivate humility, asked me to think over all
that he had said. When he woke up from his siesta,
Messrs Mazbul Huq, the President of the Union,
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 207
Saiyyad Ahmad and Akhtarzaman interviewed him.
They complained that the Hindus had filed false cases
against the Muslims. “If the cases are got up,” replied
Bapuji, “the accusers will be punished. But how can
I go into them without being supplied with details
like their names etc.?”
After prayers, Bhairavadanji, a private clerk of
the Birlas arrived and gave Rs. 2,553/- as a contri¬
bution to the Noakhali Relief Fund from the workers
in the Birla Industries.
Many Muslim brothers came to the prayer¬
meeting today. Among the chief Maulvi Sahebs who
attended were Mazmallali Chaudhuri, Fazlul Rehman,
Fazlul Huq, Kazi Azizulla Rehman and Vali Ulla
Saheb.
It was evident that these Maulvis had great respect
for Bapuji. One Maulvi Saheb suggested a slight
correction in my intonation of the Koranic verse I sing
at prayers. Bapuji thereupon asked me to sit by the
Maulvi Saheb’s side for half an hour and learn the
correct way of reciting; and when Bapuji was listening
to the papers at 8 p.m. at night, the Maulvi Saheb did
come and teach it to me very lovingly.
One banana, milk 6 oz. was all that he took in
the evening, and a glass of warm water with honey
and soda bi-carb at bed time.
Bapuji uses seven slivers a day and spins 100 rounds
on an average, which, on some days, reaches 150
rounds.
9.45 p.m., preparation for sleep. I too pressed
his legs, rubbed him with oil, bowed down as usual
and went to bed immediately thereafter. Everything
is still because of Bapuji’s silence.
208 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Devipur,
17-2-’47, Monday
Bengali alphabets after prayers as is the rule.
Then the warm water, during which he listened to my
diary and signed it. Then began the correspondence
work.
In one of his letters he wrote, “My reply to your
previous letter was still pending, when I got this second
one from you. But there was nothing in your first
letter that needed an immediate reply. I am at
present heavily laden both with mental pressure and
physical work. It gets heavier every day, as-sporadic
attacks are on the increase. All the same, my faith
in non-violence and also my courage become stronger;
for, am I not here to do or die ? There is no half-way
measure in the matter.
. . It is not certain when the third stage of my
march will begin, but I am scheduled to reach Haim-
char on the 25th. . . . The progress onward will have
to depend on my physical stamina. I shall take it as
a satisfactory achievement if God carries me through
the programme even up to the 25th.55
In reply to a girl who had, like myself, requested
Bapuji to let her stay with him, he wrote, “I am glad
that you want to stay with me. But a hundred diffi¬
culties crop up when I am moving from village to
village every day. To go about villages is to be in
places where many necessities are unavailable, where
one has to put up with scarcity of accommodation and
where water especially is undrinkable. I do not dare
call you here in such a situation. What I therefore
want from you is a little more patience. If God wills,
the time will surely come when you can stay with me.
It seems from what you write that your work there is
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 209
going on splendidly. Do continue to advance it where
you are. You can prove to be an invaluable asset,
if you are an adept in weaving and are also an A1
spinner. Only then can you be useful and be in
demand everywhere. You must have picked up
Marathi quite well. If not, learn it. Be proficient in
naturopathy. You must be quite at home with Urdu
—both the language and the script, and have a smat¬
tering of Sanskrit as well. And do all this with a light
heart, as if you learn wnile you play. If you do it
in this manner, time will never hang heavily on your
hands. Do keep in touch with me through corres¬
pondence. It is a matter of concern to me that ... is
not still free from fever. If you study naturopathy well
enough —— and, it’s an easy'thing to do—you yourself
can cure ... of his fever. His diet must be carefully
looked after. Hip-bath, warming of the limbs through
friction and mud-packs must be given him, I believe.
His mind too must be kept calm and quiet, and with
it the chanting of Ramanama of course.55
Another letter: “The Postal Department here is
lethargic. I am far from you with regard to access
by means of the post.55
His various letters of today give one a good picture
of the workings of his mind and of conditions here.
He worked on till 6-50 a.m., and then had a rest
for 15 minutes. I packed the kit, some of which I
sent on in advance. Our pilgrim’s march began at
7-35 from Raipura and ended for the day at 8.55
when we reached this place.
The reception given to Bapuji here was splendid
to a degree. Very lovingly people had made pre¬
parations for it beforehand. He was made to pass

L-14
210 THE LONELY PILGRIM

through arches hung with rows of pennons and bunt¬

ings. All this could be organized only because people
had gathered courage at the thought of Bapu s arrival.
Today is his silence day; so, it seemed, he was lost
in a reverie.
After I washed his feet, he read some Bengali
under Shailenbhai’s guidance and I made preparations
for his massage. Then his meal after the massage and
bath, 5 almonds and 5 cashewnuts were crushed and
mixed with the vegetable which was grated today.
One whole sour lemon was squeezed into hot milk.
He took 8 oz. of whey thus formed. I rubbed his
legs, washed the clothes which were many today, dou¬
bled his yarn, visited our hostesses and ate my meal.
Bapuji got up by then and had cocoanut-water. Then
he began to spin and I read'him the post. He reclined for
half an hour from 3 to 3-30 p.m. with the mud-packs.
In the evening he had 8 oz. of milk and 2 grapefruits.
His silence ended as he was sipping the milk. As
I had not paid much attention to the attractive pre¬
parations for the reception here, Bapuji remarked,
“You ought to have found out how these people manag¬
ed to acquire all these things, who were the principal
movers in the matter and other details.”
Only then did I realize why Bapuji appeared so
serious today and realized my mistake. I ran out
immediately, set on foot the inquiry of the details and
soon I got all the facts. There are 300 Hindus and
1500 Muslims in the village. Among the Hindus are
Brahmanas, Kayasthas and Shudras. The decorations
included red and yellow paper-buntings, festive lights
burning with ghee and oil, shining silver or gold threads
on flowers, pennants and flags. It was quite evident
that these things cannot be had in a village. Bapuji
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 211

called the head-worker and asked him, “How ever did

you manage to bring all these things here?”
“Bapu!” he replied, “It’s a piece of rare good luck
that your holy feet are stepping on the ground of this
vi -age. To give you a fitting reception, we all
contributed 8 annas each and collected Rs. 300/-.
This expense was incurred from that fund.”
Tnis distiessed Bapuji. Sadly he said, “These
flowers and all this splendid show will wither away in a
short while. It seems to me from all this that you are
cheating me. You are only fanning the flame of com¬
munal hatred, by putting up this show on the strength of
my presence here. Do you know that I am at present
in the midst ctf a huge flare-up? I wouldn’t have felt
it so keenly if, instead of floral decorations, you had
presented me with garlands of yarn. They can de¬
corate, yield us the much-needed cloth afterwards
and nothing is then wasted. There is a surplus of
money in this village, it appears. Otherwise, how
could it have entered into your head to get such costly
ephemeral garlands in these hard times ? You are in
the wrong, if you have done this to express your love for
me. That does not show your love at all. It is enough
if, out of love for me, you do what I say. I can’t
conceive how after this great slaughter of your own
people, you could ever think of a gay celebration and
lavish expense over these flowers. Moreover, you are
a Congressman and public worker. You have read
my literature, as you say, and taken an M.A. degree
despite which you have used foreign and mill-made
silk-yarn and ribbons! I only want to say that all
this is a very painful sight to me.”
“ When, on the basis of your example,” he con¬
tinued, “I think of my fellow-workers as a class, I
 THE LONELY PILGRIM
212

wonder if they, too, though now known as patriots

and servants of the public, will not succumb in future
to the temptation of receiving or giving such costly
flower garlands on a rise to a prestige-post. Now I
realize that I can’t henceforth confidently affirm that
every one of my workers will always remain simple in
his habits, whatever the temptations; that he will never
give up his ideal of disinterested service, even though
he may own any number of motor-cars and bungalows.
I wish he could remain above them but the fact points
to the contrary. Well! Today s incident has made
me sit up. I don’t see specially your fault in this
matter. As for you, you only bared your true self
and who can help that ? But it is thus that God makes
me realize my own shortcomings. Don’t know what
worse things I’m still fated to see!

In one unceasing forceful torrent of words, Bapuji

poured out the anguish of his heart. The poor
workers were stunned; their faces grew pale. It was
a bolt from the blue to them. Bapuji then requested
them to roll all the thread that had been used in the
decorations into a ball. So, at night, after evening
prayers, that brother-worker came with 20 small hanks
of the thread in his hand. “See the result!” addressed
Bapuji to me. “What a large number of clothes can one
stitch up with these hanks! I want to teach you to
have an eye for such small details. Wherever you
find something happening that goes against my teach¬
ings, you must be vigilant and make detailed inquiries.
Though Nirmalbabu does so, you too should follow
suit. You ought to cultivate a sense of the practical.
By God’s grace you will learn. But I want you to
realize fully that I have never trained any one with the
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 213
same care as I bestow on you. Only Prabha* was
trained on similar lines, but only partially. She was
never quite as alone with me as you are. You didn’t
get such valuable lessons from me in the Aga Khan
Palace, for Ba was there to pamper you. But even
there you did get some training. All these lessons
here only complement what you have learnt there.”

Bapuji told me all this at night when he had

lain down on his bed and I was pressing his legs.

The following is another incident which had a

chastening influence on me.

Acute pain in my stomach had begun since the

evening and Bapuji had then asked me to foment the
part at bedtime. But I forgot to heat water for it.
Before going to bed he inquired whether I had the
fomentation. I had to admit that I hadn’t, as it had
completely escaped my mind. He felt grieved and
disappointed in me. “The girl, who is lazy in doing
what she ought to for herself,” he commented, “is likely
to be so in her work for others. Don’t you presume
that your body is under your care? No, it’s under
God’s. Suppose a man rents a house and keeps it
clean and tidy and repairs any damage done to the
building. Then, the house remains intact and neat,
and the tenant is esteemed a respectable man. In the
same way, our body is a tabernacle owned by the
Lord of all that is, namely, God. We must consider
it our bounden duty to repair, if there is any crack or
breakage, and to see that we never fail to discharge
our duty. Otherwise God is sure to be displeased with
us for our criminal negligence. When He sends the

*Wife of Shri Jayaprakash Narayan

214 THE LONELY PILGRIM

order, that house has to be vacated. But if the taber¬

nacle has been carefully looked after and God’s service
done through it, only then can the life occupying it be
said to have fulfilled its mission on earth. And God
will be pleased. What are we, otherwise, than one of
the billions of insects that crawl in the mud of the
earth? If, in all our daily activities like eating,
drinking, sleeping, talking and working we follow the
laws of right living, there is little possibility of the
health of the body deteriorating. But if, on some
occasions, the mechanism of the body gets out of order,
then let us not forget that the machine belongs to God
and so it has to be looked after and served faithfully
and well.”
After this discourse he asked me to heat some
water. It was past 10 p.m. then; I was therefore late
in getting to bed.
Everything else had gone on as usual. All was
quiet and still as Bapuji’s silence had continued for the
whole day. He had taxed himself a little too much
in explaining those things to us all and was therefore
tired. We are staying here with a prince who is a
Kayastha and has taken to agriculture. There are
300 Hindus and 1,500 Muslims in this place.
Bapuji signed my diary today with the following
addendum in his own hand:
[Alunia, 18-2-?47
I lost my equilibrium today—a good sample oi my
attachment still! I was disgusted with myself. It seems I
should consider the implications of the probability that
non-violence will be put to its severest test here. But God
in His unbounded grace bears with me and sustains me.
Manu! Take heed from this and be alert.
—Bapu]
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 215

Alunia,
18-2-’47, Tuesday
Up from bed at the time of prayers as usual.
Then, as he was sipping warm water with honey, he
listened to my diary and signed it. I had not seen in
my diary his remarks which showed his distress over
yesterday s happenings. Bapuji asked me, “Have you
read what I have written in your diary?”
No, I haven t,” I faltered, “I had gone to wash
the glass after handing it to you.”
“If we entrust somebody with an article, what¬
ever it be,” rejoined Bapuji, “we must inspect it on its
return to us, especially when our interest is involved.
Don t you know that I never let even a postcard I
write go without revising it? That is an old habit
of mine.”
I looked into my diary, every word in it spoke of
Bapuji’s deep grief.
Then he wrote a letter about me to my father, and
another to Prafullababu (the ex-Chief Minister of
Bengal) in reply to his request to Bapuji to visit the
Abhaya Ashram: “If I happen to go to Cumilla, I
will certainly make it a point to visit the Ashram.
. . . My pilgrimage is proceeding apace at present,
but it seems I shall be compelled to take some rest
after I reach Haimchar.”
We left Devipur at 7-30 a.m. and arrived here at
8-55. Bapuji explained to me a Bengali lesson, while
I was washing his feet. Then the massage and bath,
and his meal: two khakharas, vegetable, some residue
from a cocoanut after its oil had been extracted, and
two grapefruits.
The vegetable today was an odd hotch-potch.
Bapuji had asked me to jumble together ladies’ fingers,
216 THE LONELY PILGRIM

a leafy vegetable, bitter gourd ika-rela) and some white

pumpkin and boil the lot together. The fibres of
ladies’.fingers made this into a semi-liquid lump, sticky
like a paste. And to crown it all, he made me pour
milk into it, when he was about to eat it. When I
was stirring this extraordinary culinary effort with a
spoon, I wondered how Bapuji would get it down his
throat without a feeling of repulsion. “How ever
can you gulp this mess down!” I observed jocularly.

“Ah!” came the quick answer, “hunger is not

fastidious.”
Then, he set apart two tablespoons of it and asked
me to taste it. Bapuji has been taking only boiled
vegetable — without any seasoning at all — since many
years past. That I can understand. But this odd
composition with milk to boot! That too he ate with
astonishing composure! I was bound to respect
Bapuji’s wishes in view of his inordinate love and
maternal care. So I too sampled it but I could not
help feeling an aversion, worse than for an unpalatable
medicine. While he was having his meal he dictated
some letters in English to Shri Rangaswami, repre¬
sentative of The Hindu.
While resting, he did his Bengali lesson. At 2
p.m. came Suchetabahen Kripalani. Some Khaksar*
brothers also had come to meet Bapuji. They requested
him to write a letter to the Interim Government re¬
commending mass release of all ELhaksars from the
various jails.
“I am not prepared to accept offhand your oral
statement. Let me have everything pertaining to this

*A semi-military corps of communalist Muslims

 THE FIERY ORDEAL 217
matter in writing. Only then will I have a proper
basis for consideration,” was Bapuji’s reply. He
seems to be a little more fagged out than usually. He
complained of a burning sensation in his eyes, and had
mud-packs put on them. He has decided to rest
after reaching Haimchar. He told me, “It’s now a
question of only a few days more. . . . Even if . . .
doesn’t understand me till my last breath, why should
the fact depress me or make me hanker for his love ?
But, as I told you, I admitted, in my letter written only
the day before yesterday, that the matter betrayed my
want of detachment to a certain extent. If I attain the
state of a sthitaprajna,* whatever happens will leave me
unaffected and calm. As the poet says, “He knows
howto equalize both pleasure and pain.” My attempt
however, despite all my lapses, persists in that direc¬
tion, and I have the fullest hope and faith that it will
not take as many days now to reach that state, as have
already passed in the attempt. That is exactly why
with complete confidence and courage I permitted
... to leave me. If, in this way, Ramanama is inde¬
libly engraved in my heart, I shall dance with joy.
Not only shall I get help from you in my work, but my
spiritual power also will increase, to the degree
that you learn to be vigilant in the discharge of your
duties. I am glad to say that you have already made
good progress in the matter.”

In the afternoon a gentleman came here all the

way from Bihar, especially to sing the Ramayana to
Bapuji. To satisfy him Bapuji heard his melodious
recitation for a while and then said, “You may return
to Bihar tomorrow. I don’t like to detain you here

*One who is stabilized in wisdom

218 THE LONELY PILGRIM

simply for the pleasure of listening to your musical

recitation of verses from the Ramayana. Even this
girl can sing them quite well. I must also say that
your singing doesn’t come up to the standard of what
I had the pleasure of listening to many years ago. 1 he
present situation in Bihar, moreover, has made the
whole province a field for urgen t social service. If
the Bihar villagers feel converted by the sing¬
ing of Ramayana, you may do them that service.
Otherwise, you may engage in some constructive work.
At this critical juncture, this type of service should be
everyone’s concern, and their energy devoted to it.
It should be sheer selfishness and crazy attachment
on my part, if I detain you here merely to listen to your
musical intonation of the Ramayana. That would
be a sinful act for you and me. Let us both save
ourselves from it. For myself, I shall be satisfied with
the singing of the Ramayana by this girl, whatever its
musical merits. She has a sweet voice and can sing
well enough. She has also the talent to pick up a new
tune immediately. You can therefore teach her
your way of singing, if she gets any time to spare
today. But you need not prolong your stay further
than today even to teach her.” And I learnt his
method of recitation during the time when Bapuji
was engaged in talks with visitors.
Beyond the Dakaria river there stays a very old
man who longed intensely for Bapuji’s darshan, but
was physically unable to come' across to obtain it.
So, Bapuji was requested to go to him. Though he
was not a leader or anybody in particular, Bapuji
acceeded to the request. We had to take a boat
as the river was in spate. Both the banks were lined
with crowds of spectators. It was an unforgettable
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 219

sight —the river running between colonnades of emer¬

ald-green trees, the sky a speckless blue and the weather
temperate. It was a question of only 5 or 7 minutes
to cross the river. But even for that short period Bapuji
sti etched his limbs, laid his head on my lap, closed
his eyes and sank into a nap. The boat glided. Now
there was only the vast canopy of the sky above, and a
long long stretch of water below lapping against the
boat. Far away, both behind and in front of us, could
be seen large crowds of men in the background of green
foliage. A soft and gentle breeze was blowing. In the
midst of this enchanting scenery, and at a time when
the mellow evening- was displaying its most ravishing
beauty, I was alone in the boat, except for one boat¬
man who was no company, with one of the world’s
most exalted souls, with his head lying cosily in my
lap and with my palm on his forehead. It was just a
fleeting five minute, but a five minutes that were full of
bliss for me!

This apparently trivial incident remains with me,

treasured as the most valuable of all others during
the whole pilgrimage.

On our return from the visit, Bapuji answered a

question from a lady worker. “The workers are to go
to villages to instil into them the courage of self-relia¬
nce and of faith in God. Villagers should never be
allowed to feel as if they lose their sole mentor and
protector, when the worker departs from their village.
The worker should leave the people in no doubt as
regards their very temporary stay, i.e. only up to the
conclusion of their work. They must be distinctly
told to rely upon themselves alone and learn the art
220 THE LONELY PILGRIM

of dying for the preservation of their religion and

chastity. ...”
Among other things Bapuji said, “There was a
similar, though not quite the same, situation when I
began my crusade for the removal of untouchability.
The campaign was in response to the call of my con¬
science, but my colleagues and society at large were
strongly opposed to it. Even then I persisted, as I
have often done whenever it was a matter of heeding
to that ‘still small voice5. And I have gained at least
partial success in such matters. I say this though
I know that it is not given to man to worry over the
question of success or failure of his attempts. That is
a matter which God alone—-and none else — has the
right to look after. To dabble into what is God’s
sphere of work is nothing but self-conceit and
foolishness.”

Nripenda then came to Bapuji for a talk. It is

now 8 p.m. I have just finished the entries in my
diary. Bapuji has not glanced over the papers as yet.
He is going to recline with mud-packs on his eyes and
listen to the newspapers. I have yet to make the beds,
fold the washed clothes and do some packing of our
kit.
This house belongs to Rajkumar Das. There are
646 houses in the village with 4,621 Muslims and only
1,000 Hindus. Bapuji spun 90 rounds of yarn
today.

The newspapers were read to him when he re¬

laxed with the mud-packs. I rubbed him with oil and
making my pranarrtas* I too retired to sleep.

"‘'Salutations
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 221

Birampur,
l9-2-’47

Today is Mahashivaratri* Day. As it is also the

anniversary of the demise of revered grandma, I
asked Bapuji, “What do you say to beginning the
recitation of the Gita exactly at 7-35?” (That was
the exact minute of grandma’s death.)

“I have no objection,” replied Bapu, “if that is

what you want. For me, it is a day of fasting and
prayer. I must own and proclaim freely that I could
not have risen so high, had it not been for Ba’s un¬
wavering loyalty. It was Ba who understood and
knew me as no one else. Who then can point out
her sterling worth better than I ? To what lengths
she went to remain loyal to me through thick and thin!
And you were present at her last moments. I was
wondering in whose lap she would choose to rest her
head in. But she called me, and none else, and
breathed her last in my lap. That was Ba — a gem
of the purest ray. The only right and proper way to
perform her shraddha\ is to remember her with due re¬
verence, recall her many fine qualities and try to emu¬
late them. Her service to me was steeped in a spirit
both loving and chaste. Right from her marriage to
her last breath she rendered me uninterrupted service,
with her mind, soul and body.”

This unstinted appreciation of revered grandma

was the first thing I heard from Bapuji’s lips when

*The fourteenth day of the dark half of Magha on which a

fast and worship of God Shiva even during night are enjoined.
f A religious rite performed in honour of the departed
spirits of -dead relatives.
222 THE LONELY PILGRIM

he woke me up in the morning while he was brushing

his teeth.
Glowing tributes will be paid to revered grandma
today, probably all over India; but this one from
revered Bapuji himself, given with such warmth and
sincerity at the early hour of 4 a.m., immediately on
opening my eyes for the day, made me feel excep¬
tionally lucky.
Our morning prayer was conducted as usual at
Alunia, our starting point. After a talk with Devbhai
Bapuji had warm water with honey. Half an hour
afterwards he took pineapple juice and signed some
letters. He then rested for 10 minutes, after which
our trek began at 7-25 a.m. It took us 72 minutes to
come here. All along that route, a troupe of devotion¬
al singers sang charming hymns; so there was no parti¬
cular need for me to sing, but I sang one hymn as
my own contribution to those of the troupe. On
reaching here I washed Bapuji’s feet. During the time
he was occupied with his Bengali lesson, I set up a
tent and made other preparations for massage etc.

Bapuji was worn out with fatigue; he dropped

off to sleep for a long time during the massage.
After his bath he wrote and signed letters to Jajuji,
Jawaharlalji, Chritehans, Kulkarni, Rukminidevi,
Harisinha Ghosh, and Abdulla Saheb.
Aryanayakamji is with us today. Bapuji had long
talks with him. At 12-30 p.m. he lay down to rest and
I rubbed ghee on his legs and feet and did my own
miscellaneous work like doubling the yarn, mending
clothes, writing up my diary etc. Amalprabhabahen
and Purnendubabu have accompanied Nayakamji
(Aryanayakam). Besides, there is Amiyababu (Amiya
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 223

Ghakravarti) with us. All this company has filled

up Bapuji’s day, and made it a busy one.
When he got up from his midday rest he took
cocoanut water and looked at the post. While spin¬
ning at 2 p.m. he renewed his talks with Aryanayakamji
and asked me to crop with a machine, his overgrown
hair during his talk. This, I did. That shows how
heavily pressed for time he is. Bapuji frequently
referred to me in his talks with Aryanayakamji who
seemed satisfied and pleased. Even at 3 p.m. when
he was lying down with the mud-packs, the same
group of Nayakamji continued their talks with Bapuji.
It was a discussion on T&lun. A lot of oranges
have been sent us from Sylhet. In the holy memory
of revered grandma, they were distributed among the
children here. “Don’t you remember,” remarked
Bapuji, “that Ba was Ba (the mother), who was
especially happy when feeding others and not when
taking anything herself?”
He took some milk and eight dates only in the
evening, and he went to the prayers. There he was
asked, “What should be done to counteract malicious
gossip deliberately spread by interested parties against a
Hindu public worker?” Bapuji replied, “I would say
that a man is truly appraised from his deeds, and that
too only by non-violent persons who have the chari¬
table non-violent point of view. Other judgments
are faulty, but one need not, therefore, rush in an
excited frame of mind, to defend one’s conduct or to
clear up misunderstandings. At the same time, oc¬
casions do arise when it becomes the duty of a man
to speak out and give a detailed explanation of his
position. It is almost dishonesty and a lie to keep
mum at such a time. So, the right thing to do is to use
224 THE LONELY PILGRIM

our discrimination as best as we can and decide

whether to justify our action or remain silent. Any
explanation, that we give, must, oi course, be couched
in decorous language.”
As arranged, the chanting of the Gita verses began
exactly at 7-35 p.m. A photograph of grandma
which I had with me was placed in front of us. Alter
garlanding it with a wreath of flowers and making
obeisance, I began the recitation. Nayakamji and
his group, other guests and some local people
including Muslim brothers attended it. I alone sang
the verses while all the others listened. It took me one
hour and a quarter to complete the chanting. An
air of deep peace and solemnity prevailed during the
time. As soon as it ended Bapuji wrote a letter to my
sister:
“At 7-35 in the evening on this very day Ba gave up
her mortal coil. Our guests attended the recitation. Partly
because Manudi was reciting the Gita, with good speed though
alone,—just as we were alone at the Aga Khan Palace at that
fateful moment — I had something like a vision when I lay
down at the end of the 6th canto* and was drowsy. I felt
as if Ba was lying with her head in my lap.”

I too had observed a fast. Taking only some root

and fruit diet (without any cereal) when the prayer
ended, I did my work for some time. Bapuji, on his
part was engaged in talks with the guests right up to
10-45 p.m.
Our host is Taranicharan Das, a fisherman. 100
Hindus have by now returned to the village. It has
a population of 6,000 Muslims and 350 Hindus.
*Bapuji was listening with rapt attention to the chanting of
the Gita up to the 6th canto, but as he felt tired then he lay
down on his bed.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 225

Bishakathali,
20-2-’47
The cold tonight was unbearable. At 12 p.m.
Bapuji roused me from sleep. I wrapped him in an
extra covering and pressed his body all over to give it
warmth. His feet especially, had grown very cold.
Gusts of cold wind swept inside the hut and nothing
could be done to prevent it. Such is the hardship
Bapuji is undergoing at the present time.
At 12-30 p.m. he complained, “The soles of my
feet have become cold and stiff.” I touched his hands
and feet and found them alarmingly cold. He seemed
to be shivering too. But what could be done? To
save kerosene, Bapuji insists that the light should be
put out at bedtime. It was the darkest night of the
month, the new moon night or the preceding one.
All around us was the fearful and aweful solitude of
darkness in a dense jungle.- The blasts of wind howl¬
ing through the cocoanut and betelnut leaves have
made the environment quite sinister. But those
trees were, besides me, the only witnesses of the austere
penance this man of God was undergoing in order to
awaken humaneness in hardened hearts. I wondered
what I should do to stop the cold stinging winds from
rushing into the hut through the holes in the thatched
roof. In this small room there were only two humans
— Bapuji and I. Many ways to save Bapuji from that
freezing cold suggested themselves to me, but had to
be dismissed. I was reminded of the hot-water bag
I had with me. But where was the means to heat
water for it? To awaken somebody else was also out
of the question. I was afraid lest Bapuji might frown
upon my disturbing any one. And would he sanction
the use of kerosene to light a stove when he forbade

L.-15
226 THE LONELY PILGRIM

even a dim light during our sleep ? I was m the

end forced to admit that all such thoughts were useless
and unavailing. All I could therefore do was to cover
him up from head to foot with everything that was at
hand and to press his body hard all over with all my
might. After full half an hour’s pressure that way,
Bapuji became somewhat warm and fell asleep.
After prayers the routine of the day’s work followed
in due course. At night, I was seized with an urge to
send for a thermos flask, so that hot water would be
available if urgently required. With fear and trepi¬
dation therefore I asked Rapuji’s permission for it.
“If at Kazirkhil there is a spare thermos,” replied
Bapuji, “which lies unused with them, you may send
for it. But on no account can a new one be ordered.
Where’s the money to buy it?”
An amusing sight met my eyes today. I saw that
Bapuji had drawn regular blocks within which he elect¬
ed to write the Bengali alphabets. They were similar to
those we draw for our little ones to help them in their
first venture in writing. • The sight of aged Bapuji
struggling to write the Bengali alphabets within the
same ruled off areas provoked me to laughter. I
remarked, “Looks as if you are studying in the infant
class.”
“Quite right,” returned Bapu. “Man is really a
student to the end of his life. This is the best way to
master the letters and improve our hand-writing. My
teacher taught me this method to commit the alphabets
and multiplication tables to memory, and I think the
method excellent.”
After the lesson the fruit juice. When he was
reading the Bengali primer, he was off to sleep for 10
minutes. Woke up again at 7-15 a.m. At 7-25 a.m.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 227
we left Birampur and arrived here, after one full hour,
at 8-25. On arrival here he did his Bengali lesson.
Had a nap of 45 minutes during the massage. Then
his meal: 3 khakharas, vegetable, milk 10 oz. and 3
oranges.

After his midday rest he drank water from one

cocoanut, and in the evening, milk mixed with orange
juice. I read to him, in the afternoon, some letters
from Sevagram. The spinning and interviews with
visitors according to the time-table. When he was
dictating letters to Rangaswami, he felt very drowsy
and dropped off to sleep early at 8 p.m. From the
fact that sleep overpowered him three or four times
this way, it appears that today he is more tired than
is usual. He was also complaining of some strain in
his legs. This may be due to our longer treks and the
severe cold these days. There is a cut in one of his
toes, which pains. Bapuji walks barefoot even in this
cold weather. Moreover, his soles have grown very
soft and sensitive to touch. The result is that, with
the slightest friction, there is inevitably a new scratch.
But I can’t help it. I have but to wait, watch, hope
and pray. As for the future, it is beyond my ken or
anybody’s for that matter.

“The economy of heaven is dark;

And wisest clerks have missed the mark.”

as the poet says.

Komalapur,
21-2-’47
Nayakamji monopolized Bapuji’s entire time
before prayers, as is usual these days. He referred
at length to the educational policies and schemes of
223 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Maul an a Abul Kalam Azad and Zakir Husain

At 5.30 a.m. he took fruit juice and rested for lull 2o
minutes from 5-30 a.m. to 5-55, as he felt run down.
So I pressed his legs. Dictated a letter to Mridula-
bahen and sent all the relevant letters through Bhaira-
vadanji who was Birlaji’s assistant. . Then he began
to dictate a letter to Munnalalji, which could not be
completed.
Lavanyalatabahen suggested that Bapuji should
take a good tonic as he often felt much fatigued. But
Bapuji countered, “There can be only one tonic for
me and that is Ramanama. How long my life
will last is another question, but with this potent
charm I shall either never fall ill or, if I do, I shall
be all right within 24 hours, through the spiritual
might of Ramanama which is ingrained in my heart.”
We left Bishakathali at 7-30 to reach here at 9-15.
Talks with Aryanayakamji had continued along the
way. Our late arrival here was due to our halt at two
places en route. As I washed his feet Bapuji corrected
yesterday’s report. The correction continued during
the massage also.
Bapuji made some changes in his food today.
He took only one khakhara but mixed a teaspoon of
ghee (from goat’s milk) with the vegetable.
As Bapuji was debilitated with fatigue, I made
some golapapadi\ for him. For some days I churned curds
made from goat’s milk in order to get sufficient butter;
then I heated it to make ghee for the sweet. It was
only after I had actually finished making the sweet,

♦Then in charge respectively of the Education Portfolio in

the Interim Government and of basic education schools.
\A sweet made of baked wheat-flour, gur and ghee
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 229
that I let Bapuji know of it by showing it to him. “You
do take gur and wheat-flour preparations, and there
can be no possible objection to taking ghee made from
goat smilk. So I have made thisgolapapadi^\ explained.
I was afraid lest he might refuse to eat the sweet. But
fortunately for me he accepted one small piece and
gave up a fruit instead.
Since you might feel snubbed and unhappy, if
I pour cold water over your enthusiasm, I ate the
piece against my own inclination,” commented Bapuji.
But don’t you be under the delusion that your gola-
papadi will cure me of my weakness and fatigue. That
can be done by one thing alone, i.e. Ramanama. You
too ought to cultivate that faith in the Name, because
attendance to all the needs of my outer self is wholly
in your charge at present. Urged by love and anxiety
for my health you made this golapapadi on your own;
I had no inkling of it till you brought it to me. I
never even knew till now that you used, to churn curds
to make butter; naturally I assumed, when I saw you
from a distance working in the kitchen, that you might
be making khakharas or some such thing for me. You
give me this golapapadi to eat in order that I may gain
vitality, but if, recognizing the sovereign power of
Ramanama, you take to chanting it with the fullest
fervour and conviction, I shall gain health a thousand
times more than by any other means. Ramanama in¬
creases our strength — spiritual and physical — as no¬
thing else does.”
That is how Bapuji’s faith in Ramanama progres¬
ses with leaps and bounds.
A letter to Kakasaheb took up much of his time.
Nirmalda and Devbhai share between them reading to
Bapuji his post in Hindi, English, Bengali and Urdu.
230 THE LONELY PILGRIM

His correspondence in English and Bengali is chiefly

in charge of Nirmalda, while Devbhai and Hunnarbhai
attend to his Hindi, Urdu and some English post. All
this has substantially lessened my work regarding his
mail. I deal with all his Gujarati letters and the few
that he gets in Marathi. His personal letters, in
Hindi or Gujarati, he dictates mostly to me. Moreover
the work of copying his letters to be despatched and of
keeping a chronological file of important letters received
rests with me.
Baba (Satischandra Dasgupta) accompanied by
Niranjansing Gil arrived in the evening. Bapuji
got the Bihar report today. It appears that he might
decide to go there. The report makes very painful
reading.
Talks with Sardarji Gil have ended in his agree¬
ment today to hand over the whole charge of
the Sikh brothers to Col. Jivansinhaji.
A letter to Stanely Jones also was among the
letters dictated today. Nothing special to note
about the day’s routine. Bapuji’s health is somewhat
better but the cut near the toe, though better, has
not as yet healed up entirely. As it is due to the
cold weather it will be all right in time.
The passages which he wrote in his letters to¬
day are worth reproducing:
“From what Gil has reported to me about Bihar, it is
possible that it may be my duty to go there.”
“From the behaviour of Muslims here it seems that
non-violence will be put to an acid test.”
“The speech delivered by the British Premier suggests
to my mind the possibility of yet another war!”
The village has a population of 6,387 souls of
whom 2,387 are Hindus and 4,000 Muslims.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 231

Bapuji spun 96 rounds of yarn. He could go to

sleep only after 10.30 p.m.

(Char Pradesh) Char Krishnapur,

22-2-’47

Bapuji misread the hands of his watch today and

took it to be 4-10 a.m. when it was only 2-20. So he
woke me up at that early hour. Rubbing my eyes
to ward off sleep I got up, and gave him the tooth-stick
and powder. With all my efforts I could not shake
off the feeling of sleepiness. So I looked at the watch
and found that it was only 2-30.1 showed it to Bapuji.
I was immensely happy at the detection of the error,
for I was still feeling very very sleepy. We went to
sleep again to wake up only at 4 a.m., when Col.
Jivansinhaji came, as usual, to rouse us.
Prayers after the mouth-wash etc. and then the
warm water. Bapuji utilized the time, which I took
in extracting fruit-juice, in studying his Bengali lesson.
It could not be finished however as the entire period
before our start from here was used in replies to
Gujarati letters.
At 7-35 we left Komalapur and arrived at this
place at 8-35. During my preparation for his mass¬
age and bath, Bapuji completed the Bengali lesson left
unfinished on account of talks with me at Komalapur.
One khakhara, one piece of golapapadi, some
vegetable and 6 oz. of milk made up his meal today.
Talked with Renukabahen the while. When he was
resting after the meal, I rubbed ghee on his legs and
he dictated to Rangaswami letters in English to
Suhrawardi Saheb, Shrikrishna Sinha (Chief Minister
of Bihar) and Maulana Saheb. He had a nap for 15
minutes from 1-15 to 1-30 p.m. Our house here is
232 THE LONELY PILGRIM

overcrowded. Whenever I go to prepare something

for Bapuji, the ladies and the children of the host family
are sure to follow me. I had to go a long distance to
wash the clothes, as the water nearby is very dirty.
Late at 2 p.m. I went out to wash them along with tne
mealtime vessels of Bapuji, because first I finished the
correspondence work with the aid of Devaprakashbhai
and also my spinning. Among the workers who saw
Bapuji were Amulyabhai Ghakravarti, Abhabahen
Wardhan, Sudhabahen Sen and Bannerjee.
When I returned home, I saw Thakkarbapa and
Sharadeshanandji of the Ramakrishna Mission talking
to Bapuji. Swamiji had invited Bapuji to visit the
Ramkrishna Ashram. Thakkarbapa appeared tired.
Shortly afterwards, both of them went away. At
4-30 p.m. Bapuji took 8 oz. of milk and raisins.
Renukabahen helped me a good deal in my work.
She is of a very loving and sociable nature.
At the evening prayer meeting Bapuji related a
beautiful fable from Islamic mythology:
“When Khuda, they say, first made the earth, it
was swaying violently from side to side. To stabilize
it God fixed huge mountains on it. His angels there¬
upon asked Him, ‘Oh Lord! Can there be anything
among all thy creations stronger than these gigantic
mountains?5 ‘Yes,5 replied the Lord. ‘Steel is strong¬
er, as it can cut through them.5 ‘Is there anything
then mightier than steel?5 was their next question.
‘Fire,5 answered the Lord. ‘For it can melt steel.5
‘Anything more powerful than fire?5 the angels
pursued their inquiry. ‘Water,5 said the Lord. ‘It
can quench fire.5 ‘Anything that can overcome the
might of water?5 the angels asked then. ‘Wind,5
explained the Lord, ‘for it can make the water move
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 233
or cause ripples.5 ‘Anything superior to wind in
power?5 came the further question from the angels.
Yes, it is charity. If a benevolent person gives a
gift with his right hand and hides the fact even from
his left, that large-hearted man is able to conquer one
and all.5 55
Bapuji proceeded by way of explanation, “Every
good deed is a work of charity. If you accost your
brother with a smile, direct a lost wayfarer to the
right path, give water to one who is thirsty,—these are
all charitable acts. The real wealth a man possesses
is the sumtotal of his good deeds towards his brother-
humans and fellow-creatures throughouthis life. When
a person dies, men will inquire, ‘How much money did
he leave behind?5 But the angels in heaven will ask.
How many good deeds did the man send here during
his lifetime?555
As this is the region inhabited chiefly by Namo-
shudras, Bapuji referred to them:
“Events happen before our eyes which definitely
point to the end of the British Empire in India. And
I prophesy that, just as the very name British rule
will be wiped off from Indian soil, so too will nemesis
overtake Hinduism and that name too will be effaced
altogether, unless untouchability is removed from it
lock, stock and barrel.55
On the subject of equal rights for man Bapuji said,
“If India wants to lead an ideal life of freedom, as
would be the marvel and admiration of the world, then
scavangers, doctors, lawyers, teachers, businessmen etc.
— one and all — shall have an equal return in wages,
pay, food etc., for their honest labour of the day. I
have absolutely no doubt on this point. It is possible
that Indians may not completely realize that ideal in
234 THE LONELY PILGRIM

actual practice. But it is certain that every one of us

will have to keep that ideal as our goal and act ac¬
cordingly, if we want to make this land of ours one of
all-round contentment and happiness.55
I have in this way the opportunity to have reveal¬
ing glimpses of Bapuji’s penetrating wisdom and
philosophy on all matters pertaining to man as an
individual or as a social being.
After prayers Bapuji conferred with Vinabahen
Basu, Bailabahen, Lavanyalatabahen, Renukabahen
and other lady workers.
Our host today is a Namoshudra, Mahananda
Vaidya. Though extremely poor, he has very lovingly
provided us all the comforts he can.
With what overflowing love had Lord Rama put
up with Shabari, the aboriginal old dame! He was
happier as a guest enjoying her frugal repast than
enjoying the daintiest dishes of the royal palace of
Ayodhya. So much so that he had accepted even the
tasted and unclean berries with a relish far greater than
what he felt when having his favourite sweets. I see
today a repetition of that incident in the Ramayana;
Bapuji was enjoying the hospitality of our host today
with the same happiness and abandon.
The village comprises 2,500 persons, of whom
300 are Muslims. All the refugees have been repatri¬
ated.
After having a chat with the host family and even
playing with the children, Bapuji lay down at 10 p.m.
and listened to the newspapers. I rubbed oil on his
scalp, pressed his legs and then finishing my own sundry
work went to sleep at 10-30.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 235

Charshaladi,
23-2-’47, Sunday
After morning prayers, Bapuji traced the Bengali
numerals repeatedly. It took up a fairly long time to
write the second numeral in its right shape. He
made Shailanbhai write down the numeral and moved
his pen over it again and again for about ten times.
Only then did he write the numeral by himself.
It was to me a very amusing sight to see aged
Bapuji tracing the numerals just like a child in its first
struggles with them.
Hardly had he finished when, taking up the
primer he was at a loss to know the exact meaning of
the grammatical form of a word in it.
I, too, could not make it out.
He wanted to know the distinction between ‘mV
and 6nao\ We jointly exerted our brains for full ten
minutes, but in vain. Nirmalda happened to come
up just then. He, too, was perplexed for a little while
but finally found the answer and explained it to us.
“With what accuracy does Bapuji read even this
primer!” Nirmalda could not help exclaiming to
me. Thus he confounded even a professor like
Nirmalda — though just for a short while — about
a simple word in a rudimentary primer.
Immediately afterwards he engaged himself in
talks with Devabhai, giving up all rest today. He
explained to me that he would work here as hard as a
basic education teacher should.
At 7-30 we left Charkrishnapur and arrived
here at 8-30 a.m. It was already 10-30 by the time
he finished his massage, bath etc., because, earlier he
discussed the statement of the British Government,
with Rangaswami.
236 THE LONELY PILGRIM

In his meal he took some boiled wheat-bran,

vegetable and half an ounce of butter which I had
churned. Listened to the post as he ate. I went out
to bathe and wash the clothes. They took more time
as there were some extra clothes to wash today. On
my return, I saw Bapuji sound asleep. So I did not
rub ghee on his legs. At 12-15 he woke up and re¬
marked, “I give you full permission to rub ghee on my
legs even when I am sleeping.” Then at 3 p.m. I
rubbed it as he lay with a mud-pack on his stomach.
At the same time he read letters from Rajkumaribahen
and Maulana Saheb brought by Nayakamji, and'
dictated some letters to me. He also asked me to copy
some important letters.
* * *

These days Bapuji especially remembers grand¬

ma and Mahadevkaka. In reply to his letters,
nearly all that he wrote today was quite frank and
explicit.
A small wart has grown on Bapuji’s chin.
Nripenda wound a horse-hair tightly round its base.
At 4-30 p.m. Bapuji took 1 khakhara, 4 almonds, 4 halves
of cashewnuts and a few puffed-rice grains. After
spinning for a while he went to attend the prayers.
Several questions were put to him there, one of
which related to his attitude towards child and widow
marriages.
“I have very definite views on this matter,” said
Bapuji. “There is no possibility of a child-widow if
there is no child-marriage. And the custom of selling
a daughter which obtains among the Namoshudras
should be completely done away with. I believe that
an individual should marry only once in his lifetime
and I am totally against civil marriages. Where there
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 237

is unity of hearts and mutual consent, why should any

one go in for a civil marriage at all? But I am not
going to enter into the details of the question here.
A religious ceremony to confirm a marriage is a differ¬
ent thing altogether. It only means that when a
person is having a ‘new birth’ by getting a life-partner,
a ceremony is performed in order to pray to God and
invoke His blessings. That I like very much. I know
that many evil customs have crept into it, but I don’t
propose to discuss that question here any further.
“Our journey will end at Haimchar and then a
new stage will begin. I thank God in all humility and
gratefulness for the successful termination of this stage
of our pilgrimage. Thakkarbapa is a servant of the
Harijans and even more. He is your guide and precep¬
tor. He himself selected this region as his field of
service. Like the proverbial carpenter who thinks
and dreams of nothing but the babul tree, he was drawn
to you to live in your midst.
“Never degrade yourselves by supposing that you
are low or untouchable. Neither legislation nor a
philanthropic institution can bring about your uplift.
That lies in your own hands and you have to work
for it yourselves. Bapa took me round to show the
havoc caused among you. It was a sight that caused
me deep distress and pain. But please do not sit with
folded hands bemoaning the devastation and giving
way to despair. Take courage and trust your own
right arm to rehabilitate yourselves.
“God never fails to help those people who honestly
labour and sweat for their own amelioration.”
On returning from the prayer-meeting Bapuji
wrote some letters. His silence has already begun and
an air of stillness prevails in our house.
238 THE LONELY PILGRIM

Its owner is a carpenter by profession and a

Namoshudra by caste. There are 50 Hindus here out
of a population of 7,668 persons. Bapuji spun 90
rounds of yarn today. Early at 9-15 p.m. Bapuji
threw himself on his bed.
Haimchar,
24 2-’47
-

Prayers as usual and then his warm water during

which he listened to my diary.
At 7-^5 we started from Charshaladi. As a mark
of their hearty welcome, Malatididi (Malatidevi
Chaudhari) and her sister-workers walked a long dis¬
tance and met us on the way to escort Bapuji to their
village. Our whole route was then enlivened by the
melodious tunes of their morning hymns. Even old
and revered Thakkarbapa had come all this long
distance with them to welcome Bapuji to his field of
service. “So I am going to be yoiir guest today,”
remarked Bapuji in a lively manner and cracked a
joke; “Quite a happy chance!Two toothless old men
together! Genial company!” And both of them
laughed loudly.
Visited the Ramakrishna Mission Ashram on the
way. When we reached Haimchar, we saw that Bapa
and Bisenbhai had made excellent arrangements to
provide us all comforts during our stay with them.
In the very front of the entrance door, a beautiful
multi-coloured design was drawn on the ground..
What can there be to say against it as a piece of art,
when ladies trained in the Gurudeva Tagore’s Santi-
niketan School of Arts had worked at it with all their
zeal and skill ? Malatididi then gave a religious slant
to the welcome greetings. She put on Bapuji’s fore¬
head a vermilion mark, fixed rice grains on it, sang a
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 239
thanksgiving welcome song and blew the auspicious
conch. Immediately on having his feet washed,
Bapuji began his writing work and completed his letter
to Jawaharlalji. Then the inevitable Bengali lesson.
I had practically nothing to do here to prepare for
Bapuji s massage or bath, as I saw that everything had
been very well arranged even when we arrived. I had
simply to set the vegetable to boil in the cooker. This
done, I began straight away to massage Bapuji. Ajit-
bhai and his colleague helped me. After his bath
Bapuji took his meal of vegetable, milk and an apple.
Ajitbhai insisted that he should wash Bapuji’s
clothes, as he considered himself lucky to serve Bapuji
in any manner whatsoever. Great and highly educated
persons consider it the chance of their lifetime, if they
get an opportunity to wash Bapuji’s clothes or cleanse
vessels. For instance, it was a very cultured lady
graduate who took it upon herself to wash his utensils.
In this context Alalatididi told me, £{I envy you your
luck. As long as Bapuji stays with us, you must let
us serve him in any way we can.” She is really very
loving and considerate. Feeds me with a mother’s
love and remembers her daughter Babubahen when¬
ever she sees me; never forgets to sour the milk to
make curds for me; coaxes me to take milk and has
even taught me some Bengali hymns. Revered Bapa
too had the paternal kindness to arrange for my food
in his special kitchen. Thus I got a chance to eat
lentil, rice, vegetable, thin full-blown rotis and a papad*
in my meal today. A cook has been sent by Birlaji to
prepare suitable meals for aged Bapa. This was thus
my first home-type meal, ever since I came here
*An extremely thin flat disc made from the flour of spicy
udad pulse, dried and then baked.
240 THE LONELY PILGRIM

in Noakhali three months ago! After I came back to

Bapuji, I gave him cocoanut-water at 12-30 p.m. and
read to him some letters as he kept spinning. At 3-30
p.m. Bapuji took 2 khakharas, some puffed-rice grains
and cashewnuts. At 4-15, he had the mud-pack. At
4-45, attended prayers. Then went to see the looted
and charred houses here. It was a tragic and dreadful
sight. Ashes and charred remains of articles like cor¬
rugated iron sheets still lay scattered here and there.
All the shops of the vegetable market have been burnt
to ashes. Much has been removed from the scrap-
heaps but much lies there still. From there we went
to visit the night-school which Sureshbhai conducts.
Nirmalda has managed to look after his own com¬
fort by setting up a tent for himself. Only two un¬
damaged houses are available, one of which is occu¬
pied by Thakkarbapa and the other by Bapuji.
The pressmen too have had to set up their own tents.
At 9 p.m. Bapuji listened to the papers and wrote
some letters. Preparation for sleep at 9-45.
As we are to stay here for a week and there are
quite enough volunteers eager to assist me, I have
only some special work to do. The devotion and love
the brothers and sisters here have for Bapuji make
them feel blissfully happy. They were keen to serve
Bapuji in every way possible.

Haimchar,
25-2-’47

After giving Bapuji honey in warm water at the

end of the usual prayers, I got to sleep for just a while.
Then 20 minutes after the warm water, I gave him
fruit juice.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 241
At 7-30, our time to start for our next halt
Bapuji went out for a stroll. Little girls, with
evanathbhai Das as their leader, gave Bapuji a
military salute and greeted him with a very loud £Jai
md • Frost and cold delayed the massage progra¬
mme, which was begun at 9-30 today.
Meal: Milk, fruit, vegetable and one plantain,
baba has come here today.
I entrusted . . . the work of reading the post to
Bapuji at midday. During that time Bapuji chatted
with Malatibahen and Renukabahen.
At 3 p.m. Bapuji went to a meeting called by
Nurannabi, the Relief Officer here. It lasted for more
than an hour. Long winded speeches by the chairman
and otner speakers inflicted a tedium upon the audi¬
ence. In a trice, Bapuji caught the sense ot what they
were driving at; but as it would not be good form to
Lave the meeting even for a while, he chose another
way to put this spare time to good use. In the midst
of the bustle, he quietly dozed off to sleep. And the
beauty of it lay in the fact that the incident revealed
hi.5 maiveilous control over sleep. He had read the
name of his immediate predecessor in the list of spea¬
kers, before he dropped to sleep. When that speaker was
coming to the close of his address and as I was just
going to wake Bapuji up, he himself opened his eyes
exactly at the right moment!
Bapuji then said:
££My knowledge of Bengali is nil; my voice by no
means loud or powerful. You may have observed
that though I heard the speeches, I also snatched a
nap for a short while.
££A11 that was said here is but airy nothing. Who
can say for certain where we shall reach or land by a
242 THE LONELY PILGRIM

precarious flight in a baloon? With due humility I

simply advise you to do only that which would give
tangible and immediate results. There is no point in
conceiving schemes too huge for implementation and
so are destined to remain only on paper. To do very
little but to laud that little to the skies is a bad habit
with us. Over-ambitious schemes end only in their
remaining on the paper they are written upon; much
harm then accrues since we lose the respect and
faith of the masses in our leadership. . . .
“We should analyse every one of our acts by asking
our conscience, ‘Have I committed a sin in doing such
a thing?5 And if it says, ‘Yes, you have5, we should do
some penance. For instance, we should not spit any¬
where we like on the road. When however by force
of habit we do spit somewhere on the road, we should
ask ourselves, ‘Did I sin by spitting like that1?5 If the
answer is, ‘Yes, you did , we should clean that place
ourselves at once, as an act of repentance. That
penitent act will automatically ingrain carefulness
in us and we will refrain from committing that sin
in future. . . .
“Never wait for approval or collaboration from
others in order to do a right deed. If we want to
establish Ramarajya we should go on doing what
our conscience approves without minding in the least
what others may say about it.
“Our rise and prosperity will follow only when our
own conscience begins to prick us for our bad actions
and not when we are afraid of public criticism.55
At 4-15 p.m. we returned home. Bapuji then
took one ounce of gur and some milk.
Several questions were put to him in the prayer
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 243
meeting today; two of them withBapuji’s answers are
given here:

Qj •Don t you feel that the chastity and moral

beauty of our women will be better preserved, if the
custom of the veil for them is strictly enforced?
^4.: In fact, the real purpose behind the custom
of the veil for women is to preserve inner purity of their
hearts or restraint of their passion. That woman, who
throws a veil about her face for mere show and at the
same time looks at another person with lustful eyes
from behind the purdah, is simply shaming chastity.
For the same reason I am opposed to the veil. More¬
over, it harms women’s health; they can’t get sufficient
air and light and they remain disease-ridden. The
original object behind the purdah system was self-
restraint. That woman alone observes it in the right
spirit, who keeps the invisible purdah of self-control.
Q,-: You ask one and all to do only physical
labour. Who will then educate the young or carry
on business? Will not your advice lead to the des¬
truction of our culture ?
A.: The questioner does not grasp what I say.
One shouldn t stick to the letter of a statement but
try to catch the spirit behind it. The elephant-headed
God, Ganapati, presents a grotesque appearance if
seen merely as a figure. But viewed as a symbol, that
same figure sublimates our minds. A ten-headed
Ravana is apparently a fantastic and senseless fancy,
but the representation suggests the sense that a man
who has no consciousness of the distinction between
good and evil, who doesn’t stand by his word and
always shifts his ground, who is always on the lookout
for the satisfaction of his beastly passion or lust, is like
244 THE LONELY PILGRIM

a devil with many heads full of sinister designs. In

short, he is not a human being with one head, i.e. with
any steadfastness in virtue at all. This, to my
mind, is the meaning of the ten-headed Ravana
appearing in the Ramayana.

Legends and parables carry hidden meanings.

In the same way, when I uphold the cause of physical
labour, I do not rule out distribution of mental work.
What I mean to say is, that there should be the same
payment for every one, whatever the type of activity.
The lawyer, the doctor, the teacher, the scavenger etc.
may each continue to do his work but, at the same
time, he must get an equal amount of money for it,
unlike the present system by which the scavenger earns
eight annas per day while the doctor can get Rs. 800/-
or more. If we think it over we will surely realize
that both the scavenger and the doctor render ex¬
cellent and equal services to society. Why then
should there be this yawning gulf between their stand¬
ards of living? If every one accepts this principle —
which is based on justice and equity — and implements
it in his life, not only will our own State but the whole
world rise spiritually and materially very high, and a
society of happy human beings everywhere will be the
outcome. Numerous instances can be found in Britain
in which persons, who had been scavengers at first,
ended their careers as distinguished engineers or speci¬
alists in civic sanitation and hygiene. But this can
hardly happen here as long as inertia and sloth hold
us in their grip.

When back at our homestead, Bapuji discussed the

route of the new stage of his pilgrimage, as shown in
a map brought to him by Baba. I sorted our luggage,
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 245

retaining essential articles in my care, and entrusting

the rest to the custody of Baba.
At 9-30 p.m. Bapuji listened to my diary up to
date, as he lay down resting. As I was reading it to
him, he pointed out that I had written the Relief
Officer's name as just Nurannabi. “You should have
added some such term of respect as ‘saheb’ or ‘ji’ or
bhai' at the end of the name,” he commented. “Every¬
thing we write must be revised in order to make sure
that nothing discourteous or improper has got in by
mistake.5’ *
I was reading the entries in my diary rapidly as
it was getting late. Even then he asked me to repeat
the line which contained the name (.Nurannabi) so
that he could be certain that he had heard the word
correctly. He showed me my error only when
he had no doubt about it, or the ommission.
Bapuji’s greatness as a Guru lies in his fine
perception of propriety as shown here.

Haimchar,
26-2-’47
During the usual prayers, Bisenbhai chanted the
Gita canto today. A long letter—quite a booklet—has
come irom. . . . Bapuji made me read it to him after
prayers, as it was meant for both of us. “It serves a
double purpose,” said he. “Both you and I ought
to know its contents; read it therefore and I will
listen. 1 can then also explain to you whatever you
can’t ioIIow in the text.”
He went out for a stroll at 7-30. Conferred with
local workers when he came back. Amtussalaam-
bahen and Kanubhai have arrived today. Massage
at 9-30, with half an hour’s nap during the massage.
246 THE LONELY PILGRIM

It took him an hour to have his bath etc. and get ready
for his meal. He had only one khakhara, vegetable and
milk today. Most of the meal-time was spent in talks
with Amtussalaamabahen and Kanubhai, except for
a short interval when Nurannabibhai, the Relief
Officer, visited him.
Bapuji attended a public meeting held in the local
bazar at 2 p.m. When he returned he had the mud-
packs and a short nap as well. From 3-45 to prayer¬
time, he talked to Bapa. Here is something from
BapujPs address at the prayer meeting:
“If we possess ordinary human qualities we need
not depend upon government help in small matters.
For instance, there is a rural road that has to be kept
clean. If I really love my village and like cleanliness,
I should keep the road clean without any outside help.
There are various ways of petty, but very useful, social
service, such as to stop spitting any and everywhere,
to throw garbage only where it should be dumped
etc. Is it necessary to go to Jawaharlalji, or Sardarji, or
Jinnah Saheb to make such simple improvements in
our village ? If our villagers want to be happy, they
should establish village Panchayats, learn to live
together in harmony and jointly shoulder the respon¬
sibility of the welfare of the entire village.
“The man whose aspiration for disinterested service
is confined to his own caste or community, ends
in making himself as well as his community selfish,
and anti-social. Properly speaking, selfless service
ought to result in the individual giving up his all for
his community, and the community again should be
thereby inspired to sacrifice itself for the district, the
district in its turn for the province, and the province
finally for the whole country. If a single drop gets
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 247
separated from the vast expanse-of the ocean, it ceases
to be of any use and soon dries up; but when a drop
becomes part and parcel of a big ocean, even that
tiny thing shares in the burden of gigantic steamers
that plough through it.
“An India evolved as a result of true freedom will
never fail to help a neighbouring country in its times
of distress. Let us take only our three neighbours
Afghanistan, Ceylon and Burma. This rule of rushing
to the help of a neighbour will assuredly apply to every
one of them. As links of a chain, those countries
which may be helped by these neighbours will there¬
by become India’s neighbours also. Thus, as I said
before, an individual’s self-sacrifice based on discri¬
mination and wisdom will also mean service to humanity
as a whole, small as his own field of work may be.”
After the prayer meeting Bapuji went for a stroll.
Took 1 oz. of gur9 8 oz. milk and some fruits. His
spinning came to 90 rounds today. When he returned
from his walk, he listened to the papers and chatted
with Arunanshabhai, Bisenbhai and Amtussalaam-
bahen. When I was pressing his legs, . . . happen¬
ed to be mentioned in our chat. On the basis of his
case Bapuji then expounded to me a principle of right
conduct: . . . wants to shift the blame onto other
shoulders and weaves a tangled web of lies for the
purpose; but, in fact, it is he who is at the bottom of
the quarrel. He is indeed imbued with a spirit of
service, but he can’t distinguish between right and
wrong. If discrimination is lacking, a man’s work
often ends in creating more problems.
“For this same reason even the fasts undertaken
by . . . have, in my eyes, failed to bear good fruit;
a result of lack of discrimination and wisdom. Man
248 THE LONELY PILGRIM

must always be honest with himself; must learn to see

his own error through miscroscopic self-analysis; and
look towards others’ faults like a man on a hill top
viewing the person at the bottom. If we make this
rule our guiding principle in life, we can save ourselves
from countless sins and sorrows. . . . How can he
ever be seized with fear, who is really true to himself?
So the first thing a man should achieve is self-honesty.
“Occasions for telling lies arise out of some fear
or greed for gain, or a desire to screen one’s fault.
But what has he to hide, and why should he, who is
resolved on not allowing any kind of lapses to steal
into his actions ? And if ever such persons do some¬
thing wrong, they will gather together enough courage
to make a public confession and thus exonerate them¬
selves from the sin. That is the very reason why only
yesterday I wrote to . . . ,Tf you see anything bad
in ... ’s behaviour, you must unmask the wrong
and the wrong-doers. The result will be beneficial
to both the exposer and the exposed. The dirt or sin
ofthebadact is thus washed off; the man becomes
clean again and his soul, his heart and his face resume
their pristine beauty.’
“God never fails to helo one whose motives are
\ JL

pure and honest, and who makes his conscience the

guide and arbiter of all his acts. This I affirm on
personal experiences here. The man rooted in this
truth remains unaffected by upheavals, however great.
The soul-force of a man of truth and steadfastness
will never languish under any storm, and even that
which looks like total failure is in reality success.
So, through both the so-called defeats and victories
of such a man, the world stands always to gain. It is
because of my actual experience of this truth that I
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 249
say that God has been helping me all along. On that
point I have not a shred of doubt.”

Our departure for Bihar continues to oscillate

between going and not going. I was with Bapa for
some time at night and read to him several pertinent
letters. After listening to some of them he remarked,
“There are some things which can be better under¬
stood by a frank, heart-to-heart talk, than by lengthy
conespondence. This I say from my experience of the
talk i had with Bapu today. Very often an exchange
of letters, instead of clearing the air, only increases
misunderstandings. I feel light at heart today as a
heavy load is now off my mind, after my talk with
Bapu for half an hour on that disturbing subject
and irom the testimony of my own eyes about your
stay with him here. It is sometimes very difficult to
understand Bapu merely from his correspondence.”

When I returned from Bapa’s presence, I saw

Bapuji fast asleep; and I too was off immediately.

Haimchar,
27 2-’47
-

After the usual morning prayer . . . approached

Bapuji for a talk with him, but Bapuji refused to talk
during, his Bengali lesson. During his morning walk,
however, Bapuji in his talks with . . . gave him a bit
of his mind: “You have made a volte-face and are now
telling a lie.” He even asked me to note down the
talk. . . . got still more irritated with Bapuji, who
remarked to me, £T don’t mind at all. If I don’t
speak out what appears true to me, who else will do
it ? Under the present circumstances it becomes my
duty to tell ... the truth of the matter.”
250 THE LONELY PILGRIM

8-30 to 11 a.m., massage, bath etc. His meal:

milk, vegetable and one plantain. Due to his many
engagements today, Bapuji was able to retire only at
1 p.m.! Then examined Amtussalaambahen’s writ-
tings on Khadi. At 2 p.m. had cocoanut-water. 3-30
p.m., interview with Sudhabahen Sen. She stated
her fears about the efficacy of non-violence in the
case of an assault from a goonda. Bapuji gave her a
very telling and epigrammatic reply. “The sword of
Ramanama is far mightier than that of the finest
steel.” Then spinning, which came to 75 rounds.
3-40 p.m. visit of Fazlul Huq Saheb. He was
wearing a garland oiKarena flowers given by some one.
A reporter made him pose for a photograph, when
the day was burning hot, and the air very sultry.
Moreover with a body excessively fat and plump, he
had to fit himself in Bapuji’s small hut!
I was fanning Bapuji when he came in. Bapuji
asked me to wave the fan in such a way that both
of them should receive the breeze. Even in the midst
of their very grave deliberations, Bapuji’s attention
was drawn to the beads of perspiration forming along
that withered garland on Huq Saheb. He took it off
when Bapuji suggested its removal.
The interview lasted till 4-15 p.m. Huq Saheb
was accompanied by Prof. Mahmud Azimuddin,
Mahmud Saraj-ul-Islam, and Mia Noorezamaan.
Bapuji did not mince matters in telling them what he
honestly felt .... After their departure Bapuji had
a handful of puffed-rice grains and a small bit of gola-
papadi weighing about an ounce.
A building, where a temple had stood once and
which was ravaged in the recent communal riots, was
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 251
the place of our prayer meeting today. Bapuji’s
prayer discourse was largely a continuation of what he
had said yesterday:
“I firmly believe in the truth that service of the
neighbour automatically means service of the whole
world as well. But there is a proviso attached to it,
i.e., that the service should be performed without any
selfish motive whatsoever. This means that such a
service of the neighbour should never surreptitiously
become a means for undue gain to anybody or for
exploitation of others. People are bound to be at¬
tracted towards such a worker, when they observe his
entirely unselfish service and it is certain to spread.
In this way, service will go on automatically expand¬
ing till it becomes a field of world service. The princi¬
ple that can be deduced from all this is that a man who
simply serves his own home or family or nearest neigh¬
bours without minding other people’s reactions to his
service, is following in his acts the true spirit
behind the ideal of Swadeshi.”

“My mission here is to train people to cultivate a

courageous spirit and thus be bold and fearless men.
If you drive out the fear that lies embedded in your
hearts, there is no one on earth, strong enough to strike
terror in your hearts. Muslims will see that you have
shed off cowardice and become brave men. Then they
will automatically become your friends. Heroism
does not lie in providing oneself with a sword and
killing others; it lies in finding out why a human being
turns himself into an enemy of his fellowman and then
in removing the cause of his enmity.”
Turning then to the topic of industrialization
Bapuji said, “America is known to be the most
252 THE LONELY PILGRIM

industrialized country in the world. Yet even there,

poverty, dehumanizing habits and deep-seated evils
have not been uprooted. The reason is that instead
of utilizing the vast human power which that country
possesses, it chose to allow all power to be concentrated
in the hands of a very few multi-millionaires who could,
through industrialization, amass fabulous wealth for
themselves. So this mass-scale industrialization of
America has become a menace to the poor people of
that country itself as well as to the rest of the world.

“If, therefore, India wants to save herself from this

dire consequence, she will have to adopt only those
things from the West which are healthy and beneficial
to her growth and to remain entirely aloof from the
very attractive and tempting, but in fact, disastrous,
Western economic policy. At present, we organize
and pool the stupendous man-power of our 40 crores
and exploit it to the utmost to export the raw materials
produced that way and then at exorbitant rates spend
incalculable sums of money to get from abroad finished
products made from our own raw materials. If,
instead of this vicious circle, our raw products are bene¬
ficially utilized through their systematic distribution
among our villages and the finished goods are pro¬
duced through handicrafts our wealth will stay in our
country, and people being usefully employed will have
no time to spare for these senseless riots. Herein lies,
to my mind, true national economic* planning.”

After the prayers the dictation of letters continued

non-stop for an hour and a half or even two hours.
After 9-25 p.m. he found time to listen to the papers;
and then after some talks he went to bed late at 10
p.m.

/
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 253

Haimchar,
28 2-’47
-

After the daily morning prayers today, Bapuji had

a talk with X, whose mistake seems to have deeply
pained him. X approached Bapuji to know where
he had erred. Bapuji thereupon gave his views upon
the matter and then told me, “X wanted to know how
the blame could be fixed on him. I was amazed and
very sorry at this query. I am more sorry, however,
for my own shortcoming rather than X’s. A doubt
assailed me. If I was wrong in entertaining that
doubt, its beginning arose from Y’s suggestion. I
laid bare my doubt before X and gave two instances
as the basis for it. If X now considers me as having
erred seriously, Y’s fault in the matter seems clear.”
This is one more instance to show how Bapu
blames himself even when some other person is clearly
at fault.
Nirmalda was disgusted with the whole affair.
He complained to me bitterly, “They see with their
own eyes that Bapuji is in the midst of a burning
furnace of turmoil. It passes my understanding how
they can be blind to this glaring fact and harass Bapuji
over trifles.” However, he was back to his normal
cheerful self within a short time, and with a smile on
his face, said, Yes, but that’s exactly where the great¬
ness and the grandeur of the old man lie. Nothing on
earth is too small or trifling for his serious attention
and there is no limit to his breadth of vision. That
is the reason why he is universally acknowledged as
the one leader without peer. Otherwise, there are
lots of people as learned as Gandhiji, and there are
enough and to spare who surpass him in looks and
charming manners. But there is no one who can come
254 THE LONELY PILGRIM

up to Gandhiji’s all-embracing love and largeness of

heart.”
It now appears that our departure for Bihar will
be fixed very soon—within a day or two. Bapuji sent
a wire of greetings and best wishes to Sudhirda before
he started for his walk.
Much to his dislike, Bapuji’s usual Bengali lesson
had to be dropped this morning in favour of a talk
with. . . . Immediately on returning from his stroll
he spent 20 minutes writing in Bengali.
Then his massage and bath. Nothing but vege¬
table, milk and a steam-boiled apple for his midday
meal. Had talks about the Bihar imbroglio and the
morning incident with. . . . They have, it seems,
plunged Bapuji in serious thought. I am really afraid
lest Bapuji should take a drastic step like going on a
fast. Sushilabahen Pai and Satishbabu are with us
today. They showed Bapuji the new route-map of
the next stage of his pilgrimage.
As he was spinning, the Personal Secretary to
Dr. Saiyad Mahmud, Shri Mustafa Saheb, who also
came today, read to Bapuji the tragic and dreadful
report of the Bihar riots. As he came to that part in
it where atrocities on women were described, Mustafa
Saheb could not help breaking down. Bapuji looked
very grave. The pain he felt was visibly reflected
on his face. Even Congressmen had joined in the
riots and there was mutual carnage. Instances of
the violation of girls were many.
Bapuji’s heart bled at these black deeds com¬
mitted by Hindus in Bihar. He sent a wire to the
Chief Minister of Bihar, through the S.D.O. here,
asking for permission to visit the place, as he wanted
to have reliable first hand knowledge of the facts.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 255
This gave me yet another instance of Bapuji’s sense of
correct procedure, and fairness. Shrikrishna Sinha,
the Chief Minister, is a devoted follower and an old
colleague of Bapuji’s. Even so, Bapu wired for per¬
mission. He observed, “I can’t go to Bihar just like
that. If Suhrawardi Saheb’s permission was necessary
in order that I come here, then the formal sanction of
the Chief Minister of Bihar is equally essential before
I can go there. The law that applies to the ordinary
citizen applies to me also. There can be no exemp¬
tion for me.”
“But it is you whose advice they take in matters
big and small, and you whom they consider their
revered guide and elder,” I demurred.
“Whatof that?” countered Bapuji. “I ought to
have the sense to respect the Chief Minister’s position.
Whatever our private relations be, the law is the
same for one and all.”
This is an illustration of Bapuji’s sense of justice.
At about 3 p.m. he attended a meeting of local
workers and had his mud-pack at that same place.
At 4 p.m. cocoanut-water. He took no cereals at all
today.
Addressing the Namoshudras who attended the
prayer-meeting today, on the subject of their educa¬
tion, Bapuji said:
“High-caste Hindus alone are to blame for the
indifference to education that prevails among you.
Hindu society has wilfully barred against you all
doors to a higher status. But now you must completely
banish from your minds the idea that you belong to a
low caste. Only then will you be able to raise your
social and economic status.
256 THE LONELY PILGRIM

“But I am here today to speak on a different subject.

News comes that the Hindus of Bihar have committed
crimes that throw into the shade those committed in
Noakhali and Tripura. I had thought till now that
I could serve Bihar quite well, while remaining in your
midst to help you; but the Personal Secretary of
Dr. Saiyad Mahmud, Shri Mustafa Saheb, just brought
a letter from the doctor, who writes, Tf you come over
to Bihar the situation will improve immensely, and the
Muslims will be convinced that your heart burns in
sympathy for all the afflicted, whether they be Hindus
or Muslims.5 I have therefore sent an urgent wire for
permission to go there. That means that my pilgri¬
mage on foot through the rest of Noakhali and Tripura
will have to be postponed for some time. I appeal
to you all to live in peace and harmony, just like bro¬
thers, during my absence. I shall have to leave you
but my heart will always be with you.
“As for the Englishman, there is not an iota of doubt
that he will quit our land. It is therefore high time
for Indians, of all castes, creeds and parties in India,
to resolve to live amicably with one another. If we
can’t do this a calamity of frightful fratricidal wars
will descend upon us, and we shall end in making
mince-meat of our country. Nobody will gain anything,
we shall be the butt of ridicule and contempt for the
world. It is at this perilous moment the duty of
every Indian to seriously think about and guard
against these dire possibilities.55
During his evening walk Bapujimade a humorous
remark:
“Only this afternoon, the programme for our
trek through Tripura was settled; but like Rama,
who was exiled in the morning, though complete
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 257
arrangements had been made for his coronation the
previous night, all my plans have been upset within
a few hours.”
We saw several burnt down houses along the
route of our evening walk. Bapuji did not eat any¬
thing after his return. He personally enquired after
the comforts to be provided to Mustafa Saheb5 such
as food, lodging etc., and had excellent arrangements
made for him during his stay with us. Then he revised
his prayer-speech, dictated letters to Rangaswami.
Before he went to bed at 11.30 p.m. he told me, “Keep
our kit packed and ready. But take the absolute
minimum and entrust the -rest of the luggage to
Satishbabu.”

Haimchar,
l-3-547, Saturday
Bapuji got up early at 3-45 a.m. today. Said
Ramanama with the aid of his rosary. Then awak¬
ened . . . and talked to them. Pointing out to them
their path of duty he said, “Only if you have faith in
me, you may continue to work here in Noakhali with
your mind fixed on the work. And there should be
neither inertia nor vacillation either in your work
or attitude. If you can’t do this, and can’t stop criti¬
cizing me, better leave me altogether. My powers
of explaining my conduct are now coming to an end.”
After morning prayers, he had honey in warm
water and then pineapple juice. Dictated letters to
Hunnarbhai in Urdu to Razullarahman Ansari Saheb
and others, and signed them himself in Urdu.
Visited a home for the destitute during his mor¬
ning walk and, taking in all an hour and a half, re¬
turned at 8-45 a.m. Dozed off for a few minutes
L-17
258 THE LONELY PILGRIM

during the massage, which was all to the good, as

he got up very early today. On the one hand there
is Bihar in a turmoil; on the other, there are so many
matters of varying urgency and importance which
demand his close attention. Nothing at all has been
heard from Patna as yet. During his bath Bapuji said,
“Answer or no answer from Patna, we shall have to
depart tomorrow at the latest; keep your kit in com¬
plete readiness.” Bapuji is concerned about the
absence of a reply from Bihar, as it is now 24 hours
since he wired.
. In the afternoon I prepared for Bapuji and for the
rest of the party separate tiffins for our journey. For
Bapuji I made golapapadi and khakharas, for us kha-
kharas made out of dough seasoned with cocoanut
oil. Practically the whole of the midday was spent
in these preparations. Bapuji took only vegetable,
milk and fruit today also. Had talks with Bapa.
Swamijis of the Ramakrishna Mission visited Bapuji
at 2 p.m. Spinning from 3-30 to 4 p.m. and then the
mud-pack.
As he was proceeding towards the prayer-meeting,
he saw Mridulabahen coming towards him to see
him. There are four overseas students with her.
Mridulabahen has brought with her quite a
bundle of letters from Delhi such as those from
Panditji (Jawaharlalji) and Khansaheb (Frontier
Gandhi). She also related to Bapuji the latest deve¬
lopments in Delhi. He was engaged, after the prayers,
almost wholly in talks with her.
Kanubhai returned to his village. Bapu ate one
plantain and drank some milk in the evening. There
seemed to be no end to the string of visitors at night.
Bisenbhai and I kept awake far into the night to finish
 the fiery ordeal
259
packing our luggage. Both he and Ajitbhai never
spared themsdves and helped me to the utmost.
Nirmalda too was fully absorbed in the work entrust¬
ed to him. He is working all the time, with deep
concentration, and makes no distinction between dav
and night. He saves Bapuji much trouble, as he
shoulders three quarters of his work. Till 11-30
p.m. he was seen sitting in the midst of a crowd of
visitors. Then will come the turn of press reporters
S‘ “g !n hls tent 1 writing this, my diary.P Most
of the luggage too was packed here, in his tent in
order to save Bapuji from noise and disturbance’

to sleep! ^ ^ midniglU' 1 to° am dropping‘off

Haimchar,
2-3-’47
Baba (Satishbabu) had come late at night. Bapuii
and myself were then fast asleep and, with the Ifoht
put out, our room was pitch dark. It must be about
12-30 a.m. when he came. I too was thoroughly out'
So, though it was probably only about half an hour
since I had fallen asleep, it seemed to me, when I found
myself awake, that hours had flown past. Baba had
drawn up the mosquito net and had roused Bapuji.
Sounds of their talk reached my ears and I woke ub
with a start. Immediately then I stood up for I feared
that Bapuji must have already finished his morning-
mouth-wash and even said his prayers; he must not
have awakened me I thought, to show his resentment
at my keeping late hours last night. Hurriedly I went
to fetch my own tooth-stick, but Bapuji laughed and
said, It is too early still for the mouth-wash. Go back
to bed.” As I was feeling very sleepy, I flung myself
260 THE LONELY PILGRIM

on my bed again without much ado, and fell asleep

immediately. I don’t know when Baba went away,
but I learnt afterwards that he had come to inquire
what was to be done in view of the absence of any
wire from Bihar.
The usual routine of prayers and the Bengali
lesson. Gave his autograph to Bapa’s cook for a fee
of Rs. 5 (for the Harijan fund). Wrote to Pyarelalji.
It has been settled that we start for Bihar at 2 p.m.
today. After the massage and bath, talks with Mri-
dulabahen and then with Bapa. These latter continued
even during his meal, in which he had 1 khdkhdTd,
vegetable and milk.
Bapuji appears to be somewhat relieved mentally,
as he was finally able to settle his departure for Bihar
and also been able to unburden his heart in a very
frank talk with . . . and all the others as well. Every
available space was filled to capacity with persons who
wanted to have Bapuji’s darshan. Ajitbhai was very
eager to go with us to Bihar, but Bapuji asked him to
stick to his post and work here.
At 12.30 p.m. I counted all the packages and
entrusted them to the charge of Col. Jivansinhaji.
All told, there were twenty packages, big and small. I
have kept with me six articles: One big bag, con¬
taining a shoulder-bag of Bapuji’s papers; a water-
bottle, a spittoon etc., a hat of the Noakhali type, the
spinning-wheel, a small cane basket containing vessels
for Bapuji’s food, and a very small bedding and of
course his stick. The rest of the luggage has already
been sent in advance.
After arrival in Chandpur
Before I left Haimchar, I had gone to Thakkar-
bapa to get his blessings on my departure.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 261

Revered Bapa dictated a letter to me. When I

bowed down to him, he gave me his blessings with a
heart lull of love and said, “I am really delighted with
your way of serving Bapu. It was a golden deed you
performed today. May God make you happy all
your life! I knew your grandpa, Amritlalbhai. He
was a very amiable man. We were on very close
terms during our stay together in Navi Bandar.
Jayasukhial (Manubahen’s father) was then a tiny tot.
Your grandfather was a godly man whose memory
is a spiritual tonic.”
As Bapa had some trouble with his eyes, he told
me, “I want you to write a letter for me, if you have
some time to spare.” There were only ten minutes
to go for departure, but he hurried through the dic¬
tation and gave me a copy.
Then both Bapa and I went to Bapuji. It was
a very soul-uplifting scene — this meeting of revered
Bapa and Bapuji. How could Bapa have dreamt that
he would be obliged to bid adieu to Bapuji, so soon
and suddenly? But our stay with him for a week
made Bapa extremely happy and pleased; and both
the great persons understood each other’s attitudes
and behaviour-patterns. So it ended in satisfaction
to all concerned.
Bapuji had finished his daily spinning at Haim-
char. I had prepared some mud for instant application
and I carried it with me.
At 2-10 p.m. sharp, we started in a jeep for Chand-
pur. The women of the host family put a vermilion
mark on Bapuji’s forehead and made other auspicious
omens to wish him God-speed and good luck in his
mission. We too were given curds and pieces of
crystal-like rock sugar, as it is considered auspicious
262 THE LONELY PILGRIM

to eat them at the start of a journey. Our jeep

carried Bapuji, Mridulabahen, Charuda, Devbhai
and myself. Even in his sitting posture in the jeep
Bapuji dozed off to sleep for half an hour. We had
to get into a boat to cross a river on the way. Our
jeep also was lifted into the boat.
We came up here exactly at 3.40 p.m. From the
peace and quiet of the village, we found ourselves
thrown into the noise and bustle of a big town. We
had to foot it for a short distance to reach Babu Har-
dayal Nag’s residence. Bapuji had come to this very
house twenty years ago. “Some alteration seems to
have been made to the building,” observed Bapuji.
There was a surging sea of men who had come to have
his darshan. It took us 10 minutes to cut across this
seething mass of humanity to reach the house.
On arrival, Bapuji washed his hands and face
and then drank some cocoanut water. Sardar Jivan-
sinhaji was controlling the vast concourse fairly
successfully but had shouted himself hoarse in order
to do it.
Mirdulabahen,— as is her nature — was extremely
helpful to me. She told me, “Bapuji must be spared
all possible trouble, and at any cost to us. Just let
me know whatever you want and I will get it for you.”
Bapuji dictated to her letters to Khansaheb and others.
Had mud-packs on his eyes and head. The arrange¬
ments here are good. We are taking a steamer to
Goalando which starts at 9 p.m.
After a tramp on foot through nearly 50 villages
in Noakhali, we have changed our mode of travelling
and we now move about in vehicles.
Bapuji got up at 4-30 p.m. and started for the
prayer-meeting. Instead of going there in a car, he
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 263
chose to walk the distance, so that the people could
have his darshan and thus feel satisfied. There was a
stiictly-guarded cordon on both sides of him to let him
pass on. Bapuji had two £human sticks’—Mrudula-
bahen and myself—for support, as he walked. Attired
in their richest saris reserved only for gala celebrations,
women were showering flowers and rice-grains from the
windows of houses on both sides of the road. At
some places could be heard sounds that signify an
auspicious event. The entire road was strewn with
flowers!
The meeting was very noisy at first, but quiet- began
to prevail as Ramadhuna was begun at Bapuji’s sugges¬
tion. All the items of the prayer could then be
conducted fairly well, but only by me, as Shailanbhai
had lost his voice in shouting to the people to keep
quiet. He is with us in his official capacity as an A.P.I.
reporter, but has merged himself with us completely.
In fact, all the press reporters have become part of our
family,— so loving are our mutual relations,— but
Shailanbhai is of special help in conducting the pray¬
ers.
After appealing to the people to keep silent,
Bapuji said:
“I have attended meetings larger than even this
and have seen perfect silence prevail in them. It pains
me to have to speak in a language other than yours
but, if I return, I hope to be able to address you in
Bengali. I am not a stranger to this town, Chandpur.
I had come here once in the company of the Ali Bro¬
thers when Babu Hardayal Nag was alive. My
return here makes me both happy and grieved. As
I moved among the villages here, I met people
weeping and wailing. But what’s the use of loud
264 THE LONELY PILGRIM

heart-rending laments? It is the inevitable destiny of

all of us to set out on that same journey sooner or later.
This is the sacred land of Babu Hardayal Nag of hal¬
lowed. memory. Our lives are worthwhile only when,
inspired by his example, we leave to posterity a recoid
of similar service. cWhat has brought me to Chand-
pur?’ you will ask. Two stages -of my pilgrimage
have already ended. When the third was to begin,
Dr. Saiyad Mahmud Saheb’s Secretary brought a
letter requesting me to go to Bihar. I am here on
my way there.
“Just as a Hindu’s death makes me feel as if I had
lost a brother, so does a Muslim’s. All of us, without
exception, are but children of the same heavemy
Father. That was why I visited Noakhali and Tripura
districts. And that is why I now go to Bihar. I will
neither rest myself, nor will I let others rest, as long
as complete peace and fraternity are not re-established
in our land. Even if I am left severely alone, I will
continue to shout from the house-tops my appeals for
communal amity and peace.
“I have some influence in Bihar; I hope I shall be
able to finish my work there very soon and return here
in your midst. In the meanwhile I ask you to prove
the truth of these well-known lines of poet Iqbal:

Religion teaches love, not hate;

Of many creeds we’re brothers still; "
Indians we’re all at any rate;
India is ours; love her we will.”

On his return, Bapuji ate a piece of sandesh made

out of goat’s milk especially by the ladies of the host
family for him. They wished that one of them should
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 265

carry Bapuji’s food to him in their own plate. So I

placed some grapes, a piece of sandesh and 8 oz. of milk
in their plate and sent it to Bapuji through a small
girl of the family.
Bapuji took his food from the plate carried to him
by the girl child, in order to comply with the wishes
of the host family. '
Bapuji was thoroughly fagged out today.
Quite unexpectedly a special steamer drew up at
the bank. It was an excellent thing that Mridula-
bahen did when she seized the opportunity and en¬
gaged the steamer for Bapuji’s journey. Otherwise,
we would have had to travel by the ferry-steamer
amd Bapuji would have been deprived of sleep during
the journey.
Bapuji’s silence has begun. I was to board the
steamer much earlier than he. So at 8 p.m. I gave to
Mridulabahen those things he would need during
my absence from him. Then, after rubbing him with
mosquito-warding ointment and taking with me all
the luggage, I boarded the steamer. Immediately
afterwards, I spread his bed in his cabin and placed
at hand the tooth-stick and other necessities for the
morning.
At 10 p.m. Bapuji arrived aboard. Mridula¬
bahen accompanied him. In his cabin he had long
ctalks-in-writing’ with Col. Jivansinhaji as he was
observing silence. Among those who came to see us
off, there were Gharuda and Col. Jivansinhaji with
both of whom our relations had become close, like
those between members of a family. We had lived
together for about two months and a half. They
were almost overwhelmed with emotion when they
bid us adieu. They went away at 11 p.m. and the
266 THE LONELY PILGRIM

steamer started. Only at 11-30 p.m. could Bapuji get

to sleep. He was dead tired. I rubbed oil on his
scalp, pressed his legs and bowed down. After many
days Bapuji again gave me a sound but loving pat
on my back. He wrote in a chit:
“At Haimchar Bapa was highly gratified with you
and your method of service to me. He even told me so.
But I was particularly satisfied with the fact that I could
clarify my stand quite successfully to Bapa during our stay
with him for a week. As a result, he divested his mind of
some prejudices. He is superb in his selflessness and humili¬
ty. In all these days, you know, only once did he come to
talk with me and that too for just a short while. He never
wasted my time unnecessarily. That is the typical consider¬
ate Bapa — a man whom none can equal. If ever he realizes
that he has erred, he never hesitates to recant immediately.
I am really glad that you were of some service to him also.
That’s why I encouraged you in the matter. Leave your
diary with me tomorrow, as I have not read it for the last
two days. I shall read it to the end tomorrow morning after
prayers.”

It is 12-30 a.m. now and I am completing my diary

for today, sitting outside Bapuji’s cabin. Before coming
out I had pressed his legs, dropped the mosquito net,
put out the light in the cabin and closed it. I had
recorded events up to 4-30 p.m. at Chandpur; and
now I finished the report for the whole day on board
this steamer which takes us to Goalando from Chand¬
pur. Bapuji spun 88 rounds today.

(In the steamer from Chandpur to Goalando,

3-3-’47)
After the mouth-wash, and the morning prayers,
which ended just now, I gave Bapuji honey in warm
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 267
water. Before I finished preparing fruit-juice for him,
Bapuji had completed his Bengali lesson and was
already engaged in his correspondence work. He was
so absorbed in writing that he did not see me, though
I was standing by him, ready with the juice, for the
last ten minutes. His silence also continues. At last I
had to call him twice to draw his attention. I handed
him the glass which he took with a smile, and he was
soon back to his work. ... He dropped off to sleep
while writing.

Iam writing this diary as Bapuji is relaxing for a

while. The night passed off in happy sound sleep.
It s a pleasant quiet trip. The opposite bank presents
a very charming scenic view. It is 7-15 a.m. just
now.

At 7-30 Bapuji got up to have a stroll. Bapuji

and I were pacing up and down the deck; he was
walking very fast in complete silence, when, in a short
while, those press reporters, Shailanbhai and others—
who were journeying with us joined Bapuji. Nirmalda
too joined us for a short time. A steamer, resounding
with cries of ‘Mahatma Gandhi ki jai5, came up from
the opposite bank and joined us. Two steamers were
thus moving side by side on the big broad river. Our
Captain informed me that the passengers of the other
steamer had come specially to greet Bapuji. Standing
on the deck he joined his palms by way of salutations
to them. The sun was just rising and its golden rays
were falling direct on Bapuji’s radiant face. The
bank presented an exceedingly lovely sight and the
river was flowing quietly with a musical rhythm.
With this scene in the background, Bapuji stood with
palms joined to pay respect to the passengers on the
268 THE LONELY PILGRIM

other steamer and they, in grateful response sent forth

sky high shouts of victory to him.
I had not to wash his leet today. By the time
Bapuji completed his letter to ... I made things
ready for his massage and bath. At 10 a.m. he came
out of the bathroom, and took his meal of vegetable,
one khakhara, and a piece of sondesh, made yesterday
by our host family, in place of the milk. This last
was at once a choice and a necessity, since goat’s milk
is unavailable on the steamer. At 11 a.m. Mridula-
bahen came up to continue her deliberations with
Bapuji, and I went away to fold Bapuji’s clothes etc.
and to wash some others. Then I arranged in good
order all the other articles that were unpacked and
lying at sixes and sevens. It was 1 p.m. by that time.
1 gave Bapuji a mud-pack and rubbed ghee on his
legs. In that reclining position he finished the Bengali
primer. At 2 p.m. he got up and had cocoanut-water.
At 2-30 p.m. sharp we reached Goalando. A very
large crowd of people thronged the steamer to receive
Bapuji. The fine sand which we were trading on was
burning hot and above our heads was the blazing sun.
When we got into the railway train, we saw Kakasaheb
already sitting in our compartment. He had come to
meet Bapuji. We first made Bapuji’s seat comfort¬
able and then fetched our luggage, all by ourselves.
At 3 p.m. the train started. Bapuji and Kakasaheb
were plunged in long talks, but it was a c talk-in-writing’
on Bapuji’s side, as his silence has not ended. At
4-30 p.m. Bapuji took 2 cashewnuts, 2 almonds and
2 khakharas. Further talks had to be postponed as,
after his meal, Bapuji lay down to rest with mud-packs
on his burning eyes. I was busily engaged in taking
out things from packages and packing them again.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 269

At 7 p.m. his silence ended. Every one of the

press reporters who were with us so long, came now to
bid Bapuji farewell; it is possible that under the new
situation they may not be assigned, by their bosses, the
work of covering Bapuji’s movements. We all prayed
together for the last time and with a voice choking with
emotion they sang Bapuji’s beloved song, “The Lonely
Pilgrim”. Tears glistened in the eyes of every one
present.
Talks with Kakasaheb were renewed after prayers
and then Bapuji rested. We arrived at Sodepur at
9-30 p.m. I spread Bapuji’s bed and he refreshed him¬
self by washing his face and hands; met and chatted
with all those present and went to bed at almost 11-30
p.m.
I was dead tired. I took a bath therefore im¬
mediately after I finished rubbing him oil and pressing
his legs when he lay down to rest. Then I checked
the luggage and made preparations for the morning,
such as crushing the end of a tooth-stick for Bapuji.
Next I did other sundry work and finished my diary.
I dropped my evening meal as I was thoroughly
fagged out. It is now 10 minutes to 1 a.m. and I am
going to sleep. Nirmalda is still awake. His work
always continues far into the night.

Khadi Pratishthan,
Sodepur (Calcutta),
4-3-’47

We got up at the usual prayer time. During his

inquiry as to when I had gone to sleep, Bapuji said,
“Don’t you suppose we have bid good-bye to the
Noakhali spirit. Not at all. Only the mode of our
journey will be of a different type. Quite possibly
270 THE LONELY PILGRIM

our work may increase. Al] the same there should be

no laxity in the observance of the rules we used to keep
in Noakhali. Our dedicated selfless service is now no
longer confined within the limits of Noakhali. I am
resolved to do or die in the attempt to restore complete
communal harmony and to cultivate humaneness in
my countrymen. That is why the purer your penance
and mine be, the greater will be their elevating in¬
fluence. I should not wonder if my work in Bihar
turns out to be even tougher and more testing than in
Noakhali. It is sometimes very difficult to set things
right when one’s own men have made mess of them.
From the report of Bihar, as given to me, I am afraid
that my work there will be even more taxing and
heavier than it was in Noakhali. So you are to be
extremely alert and strict with yourself. I shall be
happy.only if you are as precise and regular as before
with regard to your food, work, rest etc.”
Thus he took the first opportunity early at 3-45
a.m. to warn me, as I was late to bed last night, never
to be irregular and negligent in anything.
After the prayers he read my diary. Giving him
honey in warm water, I went inside to prepare the
fruit-juice for him. In the meanwhile, Bapuji wrote
down his Bengali lesson. Today he went one better
and was learning to speak in Bengali; when I came
back to him with the glass of juice, he asked me
in Bengali “Tomar nam ki?” (What’s your name?)
and burst out into a laugh. He is now quite at home
in writing first ten numerals in Bengali.
At 7-30 he went out for a walk. Other ladies
were to be his ‘human sticks’ this time and as I had
some work to dispose off, I did not accompany him.
But Bapuji was sorry and disappointed. When I was
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 271

washing his feet he chided me: “What difference

oes it make if you have not to be my stick? You
should not on that account have dropped your morning
walk. It too is an integral part of your service to me.
am sorry that you didn’t take that exercise today,
shall be happy now if you give up my massage today
and spend the time in a walk.” “No, no! Not your
massage at any rate!” I demurred:
Well, then, said Bapuji, “I shall have to be
content if you run about some distance when I use the
commode; but to give up the morning constitutional
altogether is a sin.”
I agreed to this compromise, and did as I was told.
That shows how very particular Bapuji is about re¬
gularity in all matters.

At 8-45 p.m. Shaheed Suhrawardy Saheb, the

Chief Minister came here, for an interview. It lasted
up to 10-15. The massage had to wait till then. Suhra-
wardi Saheb monopolized the talk and gave little time
to Bapuji to have his say. He is a very shrewd man.
After this long delay, it was more mere oil-rubbing than
a massage; I had to hurry so much through it! Bapuji
also felt that Suhrawardy Saheb deliberately evaded
the issues and never got down to brass Jtacks. Sadly
Bapuji observed, “The future seems dark. God’s will
be done.”
At 12 noon Bapuji was ready for his meal. He
took nothing but vegetable, milk and a few raisins and
continued at the same time his talks with Kakasaheb.
There was no end to people coming for Bapuji’s
darshan. Late at 2 p.m. I iound time to have my bath
after finishing my morning work. Dr. Kuluranjanbabu,
a naturopath, visited Bapuji as he seems to have
272 THE LONELY PILGRIM

developed a slight deafness. The doctor showed me

a special sponge-treatment for the ear.
Bapuji then wrote a few letters and his diaiy.
On my going very late to bed last night Bapuji wrote:
“As for Manudi ... she has not yet outgrown the
immature thinking of an adolescent girl. It is very necessary
that she should gain an adult’s wisdom. I for one do hope
that she will get it in a very short time. She is very simple,
guileless and easily duped; but me she serves very well and
ardently. She has simply lost herself in service to me. She
is however careless about her food and rest and loses health.
That is what pains me. . . . Except for that she has been
giving me very good satisfaction#

When I read all this I was really astonished to

find that Bapuji closely attends to all matters con¬
cerning me! “I don’t like your reference to me in your
diary,” I objected. “It’s an open book for everyone
to read.55
“Where’s the harm?” asked Bapuji. “Let s appear
to the world just as we are. Only then is any pro¬
gress in life possible. There should be no word like
‘private’ in your dictionary. Are we thieves that we
should hide anything from the public?”
This torrent swept away my desire to reply back.
Before going to the evening prayer meeting, Bapuji
took his meal — only fruits and milk — and I dispatched
to the Howrah station, in a truck, all packages, counted
and checked.
There was a huge crowd at the prayer meeting.
Bapuji explained to the audience his reasons for going
to Bihar and appealed to them to cultivate communal
harmony. When the meeting ended, he had a sti oil
for about 10 minutes.
 THE FIERY ORDEAL 273

Exactly at 7-30 p.m. we started from Sodepur.

The scene of the vast gathering of human beings sway¬
ing at the Howrah station and eager for Bapuji’s
darshan beggars description. And there was a regular
invasion by an army of photographers who shot at
us with their cameras. Their flash-lights dazzled our
eyes often and often, but we were bound to bear with it
all in view of their overflowing love. Immediately
Bapuji seized opportunity and did a roaring trade
by starting collection for the Harijan fund. Coins of
all denominations—pice, annas, two-anna pieces,
quarter, half and whole rupees as well as currency
notes—rained upon him. Quite a heap of them soon
piled up in his hands. But nearly every one made it
a point to give his donation to Bapuji alone. Our
hands, though outstretched, were almost empty. A
big lot of loose coins has accumulated for counting;
but that I will do tomorrow at Patna. Just now it is
10 p.m. I am completing my diary at Burdwan station.
Bapuji is sleeping soundly. At Nirmalda’s successful
persuasion, people are quietly getting Bapuji’s
darshan and all is silence and peace.

L-18
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MY MEMORABLE MOMENTS WITH BAPU

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ANECDOTES FROM BAPU’S LIFE

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BAPU—MY mother

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Jamnalal Bajaj 2.50
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