Anarcelo L.
Sicat
Professor, Rheo M. Paguibitan
Understanding the Self
5th October 2018
A Self Reflection on the Resonance of Love Style Eros in the Self
I remember the first time I fell in love, it was so wonderful. Nothing
else seemed to matter except the idea of being together. It was the
first time I pledged my all to another soul, and for her I was willing to
sacrifice all my plans for my family. I was willing to stray away from the
role of provider left by my father when he passed away. With her, my
dream was simple: get married, have children, and live life happily
ever after as man and wife.
For four years I would experience bliss, in a passionate relationship
that never seems to fall short of excitement. Whenever we were
together the feeling was so electric the air almost crackled with its
intensity. I promised to love her forever, and I believed nothing could
ever keep us apart, because “love” conquers all! On our fifth year we
thought we were going to have our baby and thus decided to get
married, and at that time I felt sure that I already know what the future
holds for me.
Sadly, like the fable of the moth and the flame, if you ever get to
close to something that burns hot and bright, most definitely you will
get burned. A day before our wedding day her family canceled the
affair and had it not been for my best man, my family and I would have
suffered the humiliation of waiting in church for a bride who will never
come. I was devastated beyond words. The romantic love that brought
feelings of euphoria overnight turned into an agonizing emotional
turmoil, that almost swallowed me whole. If it were not for my mother
who patiently nurtured and mended my “self” I cannot say for sure
where I would be now.
With such as painful ordeal, one would think I would be wiser, sadly
I would love again, and again, only to be met by the same bittersweet
ending. For a time, I thought of myself as a person of inferior character,
and rationalized that there was probably something wrong about me,
and would blame myself incessantly.
Over time however, I would go on to engage in more relationships
and I would come to terms with the fact that the whole concept of love
is an illusion. Eros was still there and I genuinely love the feeling of
being in loved however the bitter experiences I have had, made me
cautious about truly “caring.” And perhaps there might have been
opportunities to love that I inadvertently missed, because I could no
longer convince myself that there was genuine love, except for that of
my mother and my family.
I have been living for quite sometime now, examining, questioning,
and doubting the feelings of others who claim to be romantically in
love with me. Especially with women, because deep down despite
being hurt so badly, I am still in some way attached to that promise I
have made with my ex-fiance from long ago. Therefore, I sought the
company of men who are heterosexual, because I know if I ever find
bisexual males they would most likely try to draw me into a
relationship built in the so-called love. At least with straight men, the
arrangement was plain and simple, I get physical pleasure in exchange
for material things.
Relationships like these are cold and empty and I am aware of it.
However, I have preferred this kind of set up, secured in the knowledge
that I am not being lied to by anybody. I am detached, viewing
everything as a form of symbiotic arrangement. And I have been
convinced that I am no longer capable of falling in love in the real
sense of it.
I am therefore, astonished to find out the result of the test
regarding the love style I have. It is a relief to know that perhaps
somewhere in my unconsciously I have not lost the propensity for
romance. In retrospect, I was not entirely satisfied and at times I do
feel guilty about the way I have been handling my relationships. This is
a sign of hope that for all my posturing as a cold and manipulative
being I am still someone who yearns for love.
Right now I am still comfortable with being single, and I guess if I
take into consideration the sociological and environmental factors, my
psychology towards Eros is that if at the right time and the right person
comes, I would probably allow myself to follow the dictates of passion,
however, unlike in my younger days I will not allow it to consume me, I
will love passionately but this time I will not pour out all my heart till
there is nothing left to give. I will love myself as much as I will love my
partner whoever he or she might be. And if by fate I shall be met again
with heartaches I shall conclude my reflection with the words from Lord
Alfred Tennyson: “It is better to have and lost, than to never have loved
at all.”
