Chapter 6

Encouragement:
strengthening self-esteem,
confidence and motivation
for children

Objectives: This chapter aims to help trainees understand

1. The concept of positive and negative reinforcement in
childhood development
2. Five principles for reinforcement of positive behaviour
(encouragement, praise)
3. The difference between praise and encouragement
4. Practise encouragement skills
138 Positive Disciplines
Suggested Positive and
knowledge
negative
1 reinforcement
Discouragement and lack of motivation
Many children of different ages have potential but feel discouraged
about their abilities, losing interest and motivation in learning
and activating. They believe that they cannot improve.
They underestimate themselves and are then unable to
overcome difficulties, finding it easy to lose confidence
and discontinue their work. Educational researchers
have shown that most naughty or misbehaving
children are those that have become discouraged.
They no longer have any interest in or motivation
for activities.
Discouragement is the main reason for most
‘failures’ in school, especially for teenagers.
Some children feel that they cannot satisfy
their teacher’s or parent’s expectations. Others
feel that teachers and parents do not assess
them correctly. In these cases, children may
decide not to even try to satisfy the adult’s
expectation and standards. They gradually lose
interest and effort, not understanding that life is
a non-stop learning process, full of trial and error.

Positive reinforcement
When children are small, most of them are eager to listen to, love and admire their teachers. We all see
our children’s efforts and, they are rewarded with smiles and attention from people around them. For
example, when children get good marks, their efforts are acknowledged and appreciated by adults and
their friends. If treated positively by adults, children tend to increase their cooperation and efforts. The
positive feelings of being loved and respected reinforce other positive feelings inside the children that,
in turn, lead to the development of good habits and practices. This process is a spiral development, not
a straight line: a good habit may be abandoned if it is not regularly reinforced.

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 Negative reinforcement
Many adults have a tendency to consider misbehaving children as worse than they really are, treating
them in a negative, dismissive manner. When devalued or humiliated by adults, children may feel angry,
discouraged, powerless and sometimes depressed. Children may feel less interested in schooling and
gradually become afraid of studying and may cease to make any effort, losing all motivation. When
an adult’s behaviour at home and in school make children feel powerless, hurt, scared, ashamed and
insecure, they will be unable to develop naturally.
Children at school come from a variety of different circumstances. Some of them are not yet fully
prepared in terms of development of language, emotion or behaviour. If a pupil who already feels
powerless experiences further failures, he or she will feel even more powerless. If a friend then teases
this child, he or she will feel even more discouraged. His or her motivation decreases and the child
makes less and less effort. The less effort the child makes, the more failure he or she will get, such
as getting bad marks, being criticised, scolded, insulted, having to repeat a class or dropping out of
school. This sets up a vicious cycle, with the spiral heading down.
Some discouraged pupils appear to refuse to study. They may feel powerless and sad. Other discouraged
children may feel hurt, scared, angry, embarrassed or irritated and may even become violent.
Some factors that may contribute to a downwards spiral:
A poor home environment
Being insulted, criticised, disregarded, scolded, beaten or punished
Poor language development
Being helpless when needed
Bad comments from friends
Being blamed for something or isolated by friends
Poor nutrition
Teachers and parents can feel stressed and powerless when there are some badly behaved children in
their classes or at home. To try to feel that they are in control, they may think they need to punish the
children. This treatment, however, is not only ineffective but also harmful to children, making children
feel anxious and tense, slowing the progress of their development and interfering with their study.
If adults try to instigate change by making children scared through punishments such as beating
or scolding, children can feel rejected and pushed away by adults, leading them to oppose rather
than cooperate with adults. A behavioural change may occur but it will be through force rather than
joint understanding and effort. To change children’s behaviour effectively, adults should have their
cooperation. Children need encouragement to become confident and motivated.
Child educational expert, R. Dreikurs, an advocate for positive education methods for children, stressed
that encouragement is the most important skill that an adult can use to help children. He insists:

Each child needs continuous encouragement just as a plant needs

water. He/She cannot exist and grow up without encouragement.

140 Positive Disciplines

Activity:
Discouragement and lack of motivation

To understand the consequences of children becoming

Objective
discouraged in play and study
Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 20 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Materials Handout “Discouragement and lack of motivation”

Process

Divide participants into small groups. Distribute Handout “Discouragement and lack
Step 1
of motivation” to each group. Groups discuss the three questions and write their
(10 minutes)
results on the blank section of the handout.

Step 2
Ask groups to share their results. The trainer can add suggestions if necessary.
(7 minutes)

Discouragement is the main reason for most “failures” in school, especially for
Conclusion
teenagers. Children need encouragement like plants need water. Children cannot
(3 minutes)
survive and develop without encouragement.

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 Activity:
 ositive or Negative Reinforcement?
P

To understand negative reinforcement and its consequences

Objective
through a certain situation
Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 10 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Materials Handout “Adults’ reinforcement behaviours”

Process

Participants are divided into small groups. Distribute Handout “Adults’ reinforcement
Step 1
behaviours” to each group. Groups discuss the two questions and write their results
(5 minutes)
on the blank of the handout.

Step 2
Ask groups to share their results. The trainer can supplement if necessary.
(3 minutes)

Conclusion The mother is the main reason for the repeat behaviour. She reinforces the negative
(2 minutes) behaviour instead of the positive behaviour of her child.

142 Positive Disciplines

Activity:
Encouragement or criticism

To understand negative reinforcement and the consequences in a

Objective
certain situation
Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 10 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Materials A picture made by a child

Process
Participants are divided into small groups. Distribute a photocopy of a drawing made
by a child (for example, a house or an animal, which is drawn by a child in grade 1 or
Step 1
2) to each group. The picture is meaningful but contains wrong, inappropriate or ‘ugly’
(7 minutes)
details. Ask the groups to discuss what they think and what they would say to a child
if he or she child showed them this picture.

Ask participants to list suggestions when looking at the picture and write them on
Step 2 the board. Everyone can then decide which of the sentences contain praise and
(5 minutes) encouragement and which contain criticism? Ask participants how they would feel if
they were the child in question.

Conclusion
Even poor pictures and poor performances can earn words of encouragement.
(3 minutes)

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144 Positive Disciplines
Suggested Five principles for
knowledge
reinforcement of
2 positive behaviour

1. Praise a real and specific achievement

Many adults pay less attention to positive behaviour but only focus on children’s mistakes and
misbehaviour. It is important to identify children’s good and positive behaviours for reinforcement. For
example, if a six or seven year old child writes badly, you can encourage him or her by finding one or two
well-written words and show the child that you like these words because they are clearly written and
easy to read. For example, you could gently say, “this word is written very clearly and on the right line”
or “you have combined sentences very well”. The child will look at the word, feel happy and confident,
encouraged and learn how to write more clearly, following the sample words. The adult’s attitude and
tone of voice is very important in conveying a positive message. Encouragement is critically important
for children in difficulty and for those with less success in studying. Children with better study results
usually get plenty of positive reinforcement for getting good marks, from their parents, teachers and
their classmates.

2. Specific encouragement
and naming virtues
Example: “I like the way you helped your younger
sister. You have shown your sense of solidarity
and your helpfulness”. “You were very good not
to hit back when you were teased and ridiculed.
You are strong and patient”.

Children will remember the virtues that you

have said they showed. This is very important.
It can help the children to change their natural
reaction from a negative response, such as
hitting back the friend in the previous example,
to something more positive, boosting their
self-esteem and patience.

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 3. Be sincere
In praise and encouragement, your sincerity is the most important factor in making children feel they
are respected, enabling them to properly value their efforts and improvement. The eyes and tone of
voice are invaluable signs of sincerity that can be easily interpreted by human beings of all ages.
A three year old girl who has just finished a drawing will be very happy and excited if someone looks
at her kindly, smiles and says “Oh, look at all the colours you used – red, green, purple - and circles
and straight lines, too!” Such a literal description may not seem like praise or encouragement but it
provides the child with positive reinforcement as she feels your appreciation and encouragement.

4. With sincerity and positive emotion

Sometimes praise or encouragement starts out with a positive statement but finishes on a negative
note. For example, after a husband has prepared dinner for his wife she might say something like
“You cooked very well today. If only you could always cook like this!” Or when a child has done well
on his or her exercises, the parent or teacher might say “Well done! You did very well on your exercises
today. Why don’t you do well everyday?” The first comment is very encouraging but the positive feeling
quickly dissipates with the final criticism or negative comment.

5. Respond immediately
A new positive behaviour needs to be immediately encouraged when it is
being established. Some children do not do their homework unless
someone is sitting next to him. If their parents or caregivers
do not have time to sit with them, their study habits
deteriorate. Try to encourage the child to establish a
new behaviour with your help. For example, “Well
done, you know how to do now. When you have
completed these three exercises, bring them to
me and I’ll take a look.” Make sure you make time
to look at the exercises when your child brings
them to you and give them a mark. Extend this
practice by giving them an increasing number of
exercises to do before they show them to you.
After a short time, the child will do his or her
exercises more independently and study more
effectively.

Regular encouragement is needed in order to

establish a new behaviour but the encouragement
should be reduced once this behaviour becomes habit.

146 Positive Disciplines

Suggested Differences
knowledge
between praise and
3 encouragement
Praise and encouragement are often viewed as synonymous. Most people agree that praise is an
effective tool for behaviour change. Many educators, however, suggest differentiating between praise
and encouragement.
Praise differs from encouragement in terms of timeliness and effectiveness as shown in below table:

Differences between praise and encouragement

Praise Encouragement
1. Conducted after obtaining an achievement and 1. Conducted before and during any action taking
when the child is successful (praise only those who place, not only when the child is successful but also
achieve success). when he or she faces difficulty or failure (encourage
children’s efforts, progress and contribution)

2. Given to children who obtained achievement; 2. Any child can receive encouragement. You can
may be a material reward such as money or a encourage many children for anything they have tried
trophy. Only few children and a few behaviours are and anything they have done that shows progress.
praised, for example. a small number of excellent After enough encouragement, children may have
pupils who get top marks. These rewards can only made a praiseworthy achievement.
be achieved after lengthy efforts.

3. Adults assess the children’s achievements and set 3. Self-assessment by children: children decide whether
the standard with little or no mutual participation. or not they are satisfied with their achievements. They
(Parents and teachers feel satisfied with the set their own standards with participation from their
achievements but do not consider whether or not parents or teachers. (S how to parents or teacher who
the child is also satisfied.) are interested in seeing what the children think of their
efforts and achievements.)

4. Show adult’s expectations and reliance on ranking 4. Assess and respect children’s own capacity (success
(you are only a success if you get full marks). can be measured against the child’s personal
improvements rather than against the achievements
of others).

5. Children obey and follow parents’ or teachers’ 5. Adults empathise with children, showing high levels
instructions but have no intrinsic understanding of of mutual interaction. (I see that you are really excited
why they need to do so. (What you have done is to do this exercise, it’s fun to learn new things, isn’t it?)
good - but no explanation of why it is good.)

6. Praise and rewards may be seen as a type of 6. Encouragement makes children proud of their
bribe. For example: “if you get full marks, I will give achievements, efforts and contributions, giving them
you some money”. Next time, the child might ask “I internal motivation to act. Children can say “I will try
will only try to get full marks if you give me some hard at this subject even though I am not getting great
more money” (bargaining). Gradually, children will marks because I like it.”
learn that they should never do anything if they
don’t receive something in return.

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 Activity: D
 ifferences between praise and

encouragement

To understand the differences between praise and

Objective
encouragement
Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 20 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Material Handout “Differences between praise and encouragement”

Process

Divide participants into small groups. Distribute Handout “Differences between praise
Step 1
and encouragement” to each group. The groups should discuss the situation and write
(5 minutes)
their answers on the handout.

Step2
Groups share in plenary
(5 minutes)

We want children to exhibit good behaviours because of an intrinsic motivation – be-

cause it feels good to act that way, or they feel a sense of achievement and so on - not
Conclusion
because of an external pressure or extrinsic motivation, such as praise and reward
(10 minutes)
received from adults. Summarise and systematise the differences between praise and
encouragement based on Suggested Knowledge 3.

148 Positive Disciplines

Suggested Encouragement
knowledge
skills
4
Encouragement may be expressed through a smile, tone of voice, nodding, patting a child on the
shoulder, expressing appreciation of the child’s efforts and improvements and in many more ways.
Like any behaviour, effective encouragement can be learned and improved upon. Some skills to help
develop effective encouragement are outlined below:

1. Skills of showing understanding, sympathy and accepting

the children
Situation:
Thao, a nine-year-old student, studied hard but received a very low mark in the mid-term exams.

Discouraging (1) and encouraging (2) responses could be:

1. Don’t give up; you need to study more otherwise you will get low marks again.
2. I know that you tried hard; I believe that you can do better next time.
In other cases, adults can express their understanding and sympathy through statements such as:
“I know it was a very difficult exam; I am happy because you studied hard and tried your best tried;
I believe that you can do it.”
To encourage a child, parents and teachers should avoid comparing the child with other brothers,
sisters or peers. If the child is not an outstanding student, this comparison may make him or her feel
discouraged. This comparison also reduces the child’s confidence because it devaluates their own
efforts and progress. Adults who encourage children usually recognise and value the individual
child’s progress and accept the individuality of children. Children should be encouraged so that they
feel valued and capable. Teenagers should also be encouraged to overcome difficulties, challenges,
pressures received from their peers, and to develop their sense of responsibility. Encouragement helps
to build self-esteem and confidence in children. Parents’ excessively high or low expectations can make
children frustrated. High expectations can make children feel that they are incapable of meeting their
parents’ or teacher’s expectations, causing them to lose the motivation to try whilst low expectations
make children wait for other people’s help and lose the motivation to strive to do better.

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 2. Skills of focusing on strength and contributions
Situation:
Hung, a 12-year-old boy, admits that he opened the book during the examination. He was criticised in front
of the class and he amended his mistake.

Discouraging (1) and encouraging (2) responses could be:

1. You never think first! You should be ashamed of yourself,
shouldn’t you?
2. I am happy that you have realised your mistake and have
taken responsibility for it.
In life, we often only pay attention to and emphasise mistakes,
even though we know that everyone makes mistakes at
sometime through life. Instead, parents and teachers should
try to pay more attention to children’s strength and virtues,
focusing on their positive abilities and behaviours. We should
encourage children’s positive behaviours and attributes in
order to help them to become responsible adults.

3. Skills for exploring positive points and developing

alternative solutions to the same situation
Situation:
Binh, a 16-year-old boy, smokes and drinks alcohol with close friends, then causes trouble. The community
leader has called him in.

Discouraging (1) and encouraging (2) responses can be:

1. Open your eyes! Can’t you see what you are doing? This is the reason I don’t allow you to make
friends with them.
2. I think that you have learned some lessons from going out with these friends.

4. Skills for focusing on efforts and improvement

Situation:
Huong, a 14-year-old, has tried to improve his results this semester but the results are not as good as
she had hoped.

150 Positive Disciplines

Discouraging (1) and encouraging (2) response could be:
1. I thought you said that you would study harder but when
I look at your average mark in Mathematics and English I
see they are so low. Why?
2. You have improved in Literature and History. It looks like
you are getting closer to your goal. Keep up the good
work!
Adults can focus on and recognise the efforts and achievements
made by the children through statements such as:
I see that you have been trying very hard; I see that you have
improved in this subject; I think you can do this exercise,
Before or after taking examinations, children often feel nervous
or discouraged. Adults should express their encouragement
without any pressure, for example, “the important thing is that
you have tried your best in this examination; Do you think you
could have tried harder?”
It is easy to recognise and praise achievements such winning a competition or passing the entrance
exam for university. Yet these achievements are not the work of a single day. If the parents and teachers
only encourage children whenever they win something, children will be waiting a long time and may
never or seldom receive it. Children’s efforts, progress and improvements need to be encouraged
regularly so they can realise their achievements.

5. Compare punishment, permissiveness and

encouragement
Situation:
A child comes home with a wide and bloody wound on his or her hand.

His parents might have different reactions:

1. Punishment
The parents don’t care about the child’s wound
They say something like, “stop whimpering or I will really give you something to cry about.” The parents
shout at the child and shake him or her to show their anger.
The child interprets the parents’ reaction as, “my needs are not important. They hate me. I don’t deserve
their love”.
The child feels pain in the wounded hand and also in his or her heart and mind. He or she may feel
scared, isolated, disappointed or ashamed.
2. Permissiveness or over-protection
The mother rushes to the child. Perhaps the father and grandparents also come running. The mother
cries: “Oh my goodness, you must be in so much pain. Come in, I will bandage up your wound. Come
in, lie on the chair and watch TV. I will do all housework”.

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 The child might interpret his or her parents’ reaction as: there is no need to do anything now. I don’t need
to learn how to take care of myself; it’s my parent’s duty.
The child feels the pain in the wounded hand but he or she is uncertain what else to feel. While children
may enjoy being the centre of attention, cared for and pampered, they may start to feel confused
and disappointed when their parents are unable to be with them. They may even grow to resent their
parents when they are not there to fulfil their ”duty”. They may be also become defensive, panicked and
ashamed that other children can take care of themselves but they cannot.
3. Encouragement, support
Parents show the child how to clean the wound and bandage it. The child’s mother says calmly, softly and
caringly, “I see you have a wound in your hand. Is it painful? Do you want me to help you to clean the
wound and bandage it or can you do it yourself?” Then she holds the child’s shoulder to comfort him
or her.
The child interprets his or her mother’s reaction as, “my mother loves me. But I know what I should do and
how to do it. I am capable of doing it. I’m not alone, if I need her my mother is willing to help me. I will
decide if I need to ask for my mother’s help (dependant) or do it myself (independent)”.
The child feels pain in the wounded hand but confident, comforted, cared for and secure. The accident has
become a learning opportunity, allowing the child to mature and develop his or her own responses.
Three different reactions lead to three different impacts. The final one – encouragement and support
is the most useful for childhood development.

152 Positive Disciplines

Activity:
Practising encouragement skills 1

Objective To practise showing understanding, empathy, acceptance

Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 15 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Materials Handout “Encouragement skill 1”

Process
Divide participants into small groups. Distribute “Encouragement skill 1” to each group.
Groups discuss and write their answers in the blank space on the handout or on a
Step 1
blank piece of paper.
(5 minutes)
(If the trainees are quite knowledgeable, you may divide them into 5 groups and ask
each of groups to work on a separate skill handout (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) to save time.)

When finished, ask each group to present their work. Other participants and the trainer
Step 2
can provide questions, comments and add to the suggested solutions where necessary.
(5 minutes)

Adults who are skilled at encouragement usually recognise and assess the individual
Conclusion
efforts and achievements of the child, accepting that different children have different
(5 minutes)
abilities (based on Suggested Knowledge 4, point 1).

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 Activity:

 ractising encouragement skills 2
P

Objective To practise focusing on strengths and contributions

Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 15 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Material s Handout “Encouragement skill 2”

Process
Divide participants into small groups. Distribute Handout “Encouragement skill 2” to
Step 1
each group. Groups discuss and write their answers on the blank space below the
(5 minutes)
situation.

When finished, ask each group to present their work. Other participants and the
Step 2
trainer can provide questions, comments and add to the suggested solutions where
(5 minutes)
necessary.

Instead of trying to find children’s mistakes, parents and teachers should focus on
Conclusion
the strengths and individual value of each child, exploring the capacity and positive
(5 minutes)
behaviour of the child (based on Suggested Knowledge 4, point 2).

154 Positive Disciplines

Activity:
Practising encouragement skills 3

To practise finding positive points and developing alternatives of

Objective
the same situation
Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 15 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Materials Handout “Encouragement skill 3”

Process
Divide participants into small groups. Distribute each group a Handout “Encouragement
Step 1
skill 3”. Groups discuss and write their answers in the blank space below each
(5 minutes)
situation.

When finished, ask each group to present their work. Other participants and the
Step 2
trainer can provide questions, comments and add to the suggested solutions where
(5 minutes)
necessary.

When children make mistakes, adults can stress the positive points and assess their
Conclusion
mistakes as an opportunity for learning and change (based on Suggested knowledge 4,
(5 minutes)
point 3).

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Activity:  ractising encouragement skills 4
P

Objective To practice focusing on improvement and progress

Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 15 minutes

Method Discussion, sharing

Materials Handout “Encouragement skill 4”

Process
Divide participants into small groups. Distribute Handout “Encouragement skill 4” to
Step1
each group .Groups discuss and write their answers in the blank space below the
(5 minutes)
situation.

When finished, ask each group to present their work. Other participants and the
Bước 2
trainer can provide questions, comments and add to the suggested solutions where
(5 minutes)
necessary.

Conclusion Children’s gradual improvements and efforts should be regularly encouraged in order
(5 minutes) to achieve the final objective (based on Suggested Knowledge 4, point 4).

156 Positive Disciplines

Activity:
Practising encouragement skills 5

To understand and practise three styles of parenting (punishment,

Objective
pampering/permissiveness and encouragement)
Target Parents, teachers, caregivers and people who are working with
audience children

Time 20 minutes

Method Discussion, presentation/sharing

Handout “Comparing punishment with permissiveness and en-

Materials
couragement”

Process
Divide participants into small groups. Distribute Handout “Comparing punishment
Step1
with permissiveness and encouragement” to each group. Groups discuss and write
(8 minutes)
their answers in the blank space below the situation.

When finished, ask each group to present their work. Other participants and the
Step 2
trainer can provide questions, comments and add to the suggested solutions where
(7 minutes)
necessary.

Three different reactions lead to three different impacts. The final one – encouragement
Conclusion
and support - is the most useful for childhood development. (Based on Suggested
(5 minutes)
Knowledge 4, point 5).

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158 Positive Disciplines
Handouts
Discouragement and lack of motivation

Situation
Tuan, a 13-year-old boy, is often the reserve player in the school
football team and has been allowed few opportunities to actually
play. Last semester’s school report shows Tuan to have three subjects
where he sits below average. His remaining subjects sit just five or
six points above average. Tuan feels very depressed both on the
football ground and in classroom. The gym coach thinks that Tuan is
unenthusiastic and does not try hard enough, and most of his teachers
have given up on him altogether. His parents also feel frustrated, sad
and wonder if there is any way to help him.

Questions for discussion:

1. Are there many children like Tuan? Boys or girls? In what age group?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2. Why does Tuan feel so depressed?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

3. What differentiates a confident, motivated child from an unconfident, unmotivated child?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

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 Adults’ reinforcement behaviours
Situation
Huong, a 5-year-old girl, was playing
alone while her mother was taking rest
and reading some newspapers in the
next room. After a while, Huong felt
bored and started crying and trying to
attract her mother’s attention, so her
mother brought Huong some comics
and read with her. When Huong stopped
crying, her mother went back to her room
to relax. Huong then cried again and
her mother brought her a biscuit to stop
her crying. The mother had a decreasing
amount of time to relax as Huong repeatedly
asked for her mother’s care and attention.

Questions for discussion:

1. What behaviour was strengthened by Huong’s mother?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2. What has Huong learnt from her mother’s behaviour?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

160 Positive Disciplines

Adults’ reinforcement behaviours (full version)

Situation
Huong, a 5-year-old girl, was playing alone while her mother was
taking rest and reading some newspapers in the next room. After
a while, Huong felt bored and started crying and trying to attract
her mother’s attention, so her mother brought Huong some comics
and read with her. When Huong stopped crying, her mother went
back to her room to relax. Huong then cried again and her mother
brought her a biscuit to stop her crying. The mother had a decreasing
amount of time to relax as Huong repeatedly asked for her mother’s
care and attention.

Note
The mother is the main reason that Huong continues to cry and
misbehave. When Huong played obediently alone, she didn’t do
anything. Instead, she rewarded her with comics, biscuits and her
attention when Huong did not play alone. An alternative is that the
mother should give Huong some rewards such as comics or biscuits
when she plays alone. Gradually, the mother will have to entertain
Huong less and she will learn how to entertain herself and the
mother will have more time to relax.

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 Differences between encouragement
and praise

Situation
Vinh is a 5-year-old boy in preschool. Each week, when Vinh receives
a card from his school for being good, his grandfather shows that he
is very pleased and gives Vinh 5,000 dong

Questions for discussion:

1. According to you, what is good about the grandfather’s behaviour? What is bad? Why?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
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……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2. One Friday, Vinh received four cards for being good. If you were his grandfather, how would you feel
and what would you do?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

162 Positive Disciplines

Encouragement skill 1

Situation
Tuan, a nine-year-old boy, studies hard but received a very low mark
in the mid-term examination.

Pretend you are Tuan’s parent or teacher.

1. Give some reactions that are discouraging:

……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2. Give some reactions that are encouraging (showing understanding, empathy, a cceptance).
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

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 Encouragement skill 2

Situation
Hung, a 12-year-old boy, acknowledges
his mistake at school (he opened his book
during an examination and was criticised
in front of the class) and has amended his
behaviour.

Pretending you were Hung’s parent or teacher:

1. Give some reactions that are discouraging:

……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2. Give some reactions that are encouraging (focusing on strengths, improvement and effort):
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

164 Positive Disciplines

Encouragement skill 3

Situation
Binh, a 16-year-old boy, smokes and drinks alcohol with close friends,
then causes trouble. The community leader has called him in.

Pretend you are Binh’s parent or teacher:

1. Give some reactions that are discouraging:
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2.  Give some reactions that are encouraging (finding positive points and recognising the different
ways of looking at the situation:
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

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 Encouragement skill 4
Situation
Huong, a 14-year-old girl, has tried to improve her school result this
semester but the results are not good as she hoped.

Pretend you are Huong’s parent or teacher:

1. Give some reactions that are discouraging:

……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2. Give some reactions that are encouraging (focusing on her improvement and effort):
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

166 Positive Disciplines

Comparing punishment, permissiveness
and encouragement

Situation card
A child comes home with a wide and bloody wound on his or her hand.

1. According to you, what might his or her parents say and do? (Try to give as many suggestions as
possible)
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

2. If you were his or her parents, what would you do? Why?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

3. How does the child interpret the reactions of his or her parents and what does he or she feel?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
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……………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………

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 Comparing punishment, permissiveness
and encouragement (for reference)

1. Punishment
Parents don’t care about the child’s wound
They say something like, “stop whimpering or I will really give you something to cry about.” The parents
shout at the child and shake him or her to show their anger.
The child interprets the parents’ reaction as,
“my needs are not important. They hate me. I don’t deserve their love”.
The child feels
Pain in the wounded hand and also in his or her heart and mind. He or she may feel scared, isolated,
disappointed or ashamed.

2. Permissiveness/over-protection
The mother rushes to the child. Perhaps the father and grandparents also come running.
The mother cries: “Oh my goodness, you must be in so much pain. Come in, I will bandage up your
wound. Come in, lie on the chair and watch TV. I will do all housework”.
The child might interpret his or her parents’ reaction as:
There is no need to do anything now. I don’t need to learn how to take care of myself, it’s my parent’s
duty.
The child feels
the pain in the wounded hand, but he or she is uncertain what else to feel. While children may enjoy
being the centre of attention, cared for and pampered, they may start to feel confused and disappointed
when their parents are unable to be with them. They may even grow to resent their parents when they
are not there to fulfil their “duty”. They may be also become defensive, panicked and ashamed that other
children can take care of themselves but they cannot.

168 Positive Disciplines

3. Encouragement, support
Parents show the child how to clean the wound and bandage it.
The child’s mother says calmly, softly and caringly, “I see you have a wound in your hand. Is it painful? Do
you want me to help you to clean the wound and bandage it or can you do it yourself?” Then she holds
the child’s shoulder to comfort him or her.
The child interprets his or her mother’s reaction as,
“My mother loves me. But I know what I should do and how to do it. I am capable of doing it. I’m not
alone; if I need her my mother is willing to help me. I will decide if I need to ask for my mother’s help
(dependant) or do it myself (independent)”.
The child feels
Pain in the wounded hand but confident, comforted, cared for and secure. The accident has become a
learning opportunity, allowing the child to mature and develop his or her own responses.

Chapter 6: E
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confidence and motivation for children 169