Version 8 (Sound/Light/Prop copy)

JEKYLL & HYDE

The Panto

A GOTHIC PANTOMIME – Adapted by David Jay

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ACT ONE
SCENE ONE:
ART 1 -CURTAIN DOWN
Sign: “The Dessert”
Enter from left ARAB RIDING CAMEL.
(Stops to Preen his ghutrah...he picks up some Bananas)

ARAB RIDING CAMEL : Yes, It’s the Milk Sheikh again!!! I’ve got the Banana Shakes for Dessert!
Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.
Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.
Everybody sing!
Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.
Deyo, Deyeyeyo, Daylight come and I wanna go home.

Come on everyone, this is panto, you’re supposed to singalong!!!

(He picks up some more fruit) Let’s try this one! I’m feeling fruity and I want just desserts!...Join
in everyone!
Tutti Frutti, all rootie,
Tutti Frutti, all rootie
Tutti Frutti, all rootie
Tutti Frutti, all rootie
(Everyone) A-wop-bop-a-loo-lop a-lop bam boo
How about this old chestnut?
I scream, You scream we all scream........Ice Cream!!!!

(To audience) You lot really gimme the Hump, you got to join in or I set my camel on you! This is
Pantomime, so let me give you a quick Panto lesson! When the Baddy comes on you boo and
hiss ....come on now let’s hear you! (Boos and hisses) That’s no good!.....Oh, No it isn’t (prompt
‘Oh yes it is!’) And what do you shout when someone’s behind you? (Prompts audience) Good
Golly, Miss Molly, that’s better!!
(CHILD appears behind him...audience shouts’ Behind You!) That’s very good, but you can stop it now!
(Child pulls his leg) Stop messin’ with me child!…come on now, this may be Pantomime, but stop
pulling my leg! (Leg comes off) Now you gone and done it, you gone and pulled my leg right off!
(CHILD pulls his hand off) Stop it! Can’t you lot give me a big hand? (Encourages applause) I may be
armless, but I can see you lot will be legless before the night is out. All these props cost me an
arm and a leg! We couldn’t even afford to give my camel two legs....There is a credit crunch you
know! Here comes trouble! I’m off for more afters! (rides off)

(Enter from left, Sheerluck Jones and Watson)

SHEERLUCK JONES: Watson! Why are we being served dessert at the START of the show? It should
be for afters! Didn’t they like their Mince Pies? (To Audience) I know, I know it’s a cornucopia of
corn!…You know Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re going to hear enough flakey corn and blue
cheese in this show to make you go crackers! What’s all this about food anyway?

CHILD: It’s the dessert song!

SHEERLUCK JONES: It’s not the dessert song, we can’t trifle with dessert, we’re only on the starters!
We are supposed to be in the Desert. It should be the desert song! D…E…S…E…R…T…(He
crosses out one ‘S’ with a marker) How many s’s in that?

CHILD: None!

SHEERLUCK JONES: None?

CHILD: There are no s’s in that! T…H…A…T!

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SHEERLUCK JONES: Look, We’ve already had food poisoning in RAK once this year and now the
writer’s poison pen is giving us all the runs. Now off you go and don’t slip up on any banana
Sheikhs again! So split or I’ll give you a bunch of fives!!
(Exit CHILD)

WATSON: C, C, C, Can we have a B, B, B Banana joke detective?

SHEERLUCK JONES: All right, just one more then.

WATSON: Why d, d, d, did the banana have to go out with the old p, p, prune?…..(waits for the
response)…Yes that’s right! Because he couldn’t f, f, find a date (drum beat).

SHEERLUCK JONES: Oh dear, Watson, do I have to put up with this rubbish? (In a Shakespearean
voice….)I’m an actor playing a famous sleuth not a sidekick to comic playing a buffon,…and I can
sing too! Now, that desert song, that’s right up my street! (Clears throat to sing)…

WATSON: sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, shouldn’t we l, l, leave Detective…there’s some real thespians c, c, coming
out tonight!

SHEERLUCK JONES: Some of my best friends are thespians! Anyway, We’d best be on our way, I’ve
heard someone’s losing their patients at the ‘RAK and Ruin Hospital’ and only a mind like mine
can solve the mystery!

SCENE TWO:
ART – SCENE 1 (1 > 4) CURTAIN RISES to HOSPITAL FRONT > (6 >9) ZOOM TO HOSPITAL
FOYER
HOSPITAL FOYER/JEKYLL’S SURGERY Sign stating “RAK and Ruin Hospital”
(From right NURSES scurry on with Jekyll’s table and chair (with Jekyll behind) and PATIENTS from left
(bringing chairs and newspapers) line up in the surgery. From right, Mr Icky, Mr Hoppity, Smash and
Grab. MR ICKY is first).

NURSE FANNY: Who’ve you come to see.

MR ICKY: I’ve come to see the Doctor!

NURSE FANNY? Doctor Who?

MR ICKY: Who works here?

NURSE ADAMS: Doctors.

MR ICKY: Which Doctors?

NURSE FANNY: Witch Doctors don’t work here; all our Doctor’s have got PHD’s!

MR ICKY: Well they should have their PhD’s treated; I’ve heard they’re contagious!

NURSE ADAMS: They are at HCT, they can’t get enough of them! Anyway, enough of the local satire,
you’ve come to see Doctor who?

MR ICKY: No I saw Doctor Who last night on the telly, It’s awfully good, isn’t it…(Dalek’s voice)
Exterminate, Exterminate!!!

NURSE FANNY: I’m sorry, but we haven’t got time for humour here, we’ve got to get the Operating
Theatre open and get this show on the road. Please go and see Dr Jekyll!

MR ICKY: But I saw Doctor Jekyll at the cinema last week. I was so scared It made me hide!

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NURSE ADAMS: I didn’t know Doctor Jekyll liked films. Anyway, he’s free.

MR ICKY: I’m glad he’s free, private insurance costs the earth in RAK, doesn’t it mums and dads?
(He knocks on the door)

ART - SCENE 2(10) FOYER DISSOLVE TO SURGERY

JEKYLL: I am Doctor Jekyll - Welcome

MR ICKY: (Looking terrified) You’re Doctor who?

JEKYLL: Look don’t start that again. What do you want man?

MR ICKY: Doctor, Doctor, I keep wanting to paint myself gold.

JEKYLL: That’s just a gilt complex. Next!

(MR ICKY leaves. Mr HOPPITY wheels himself on a wheelchair)

MR HOPPITY: Doctor, I’ve broken my leg in two places.

JEKYLL: Which two places are they? I wouldn’t go there again.

MR HOPPITY: No, I’ve broken my left leg here and here.

JEKYLL: Well, you’ll be all right now if we amputate what’s left.

MR HOPPITY: Amputate it!...I see!

JEKYLL: I’m not pulling your leg, if it ain’t fixed, we break it, then we can saw it right off. You say ‘I
see’..................I say ‘I saw!’ (Puts Hoppity’s leg on Table and with a saw, saws the leg off,
revealing a sawn off leg) Let’s saw the whole thing off!

MR HOPPITY: But I can’t have a big role in this Pantomime with only my right leg for the rest of the show!

JEKYLL: I've got nothing against your right leg. Trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.
(He hands Mr Hoppity the leg, MR HOPPITY wheels himself off screaming) Next! Mr Icky! What’s
wrong this time?

MR ICKY: Doctor, Doctor, when I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it
hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong?

JEKYLL: You have a broken finger! .(drum beat) I know, these are bitter pills to swallow! (giving him
some pills) take one of these thirty minutes before you wake up…..(MR ICKY leaves) Oh, if I
could only cure all their troubles and strife! …Who’s that?

MR NOBODY (offstage): Doctor, Doctor - I think I’ve become invisible.

JEKYLL: Who said that?

MR NOBODY (offstage): It’s me. I’ve suddenly disappeared. What’s wrong with me?

JEKYLL: You’re not all there! And you’ve got nobody to love!….Next.

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SMASH and GRAB (in wig and dress) arrive pretending to be a couple.

JEKYLL: How can I help you?

(GRAB mimes that she cannot speak, and SMASH nips behind JEKYLL and steals his wallet. He comes
back round).

SMASH: It’s my…er…“wife”, Doctor. She’s got laryngitis.

(GRAB goes behind JEKYLL and steals a syringe from the table).

JEKYLL: I’m afraid there’s nothing much I can do to cure it.

SMASH: Cure it? Cure it? I want to you to prolong it!

(They leave, GRAB whacking SMASH with a hammer).

JEKYLL. I want my life to count for something! I know I can find the cure to all their troubles! (MR ICKY
approaches. MATRON stands at the back and watches disapprovingly).
Mr Icky - there’s nothing wrong with you. (taking his pulse) Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.

MR ICKY: You’ve got your hand on my watch! Check my records. (Hands him his records)

JEKYLL: (does so, his face clouding) Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.

MR ICKY: (horrified) What is it, Doctor?

JEKYLL: You're dying of a rare tropical disease….Frostbite. You don't have much time left.

MR ICKY: (delighted) I knew it! (suddenly worried) How long have I got?"

JEKYLL: (sadly) Ten ……

MR ICKY: (interrupting) Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks? What? …

JEKYLL: (looking at his watch) Nine.. eight... seven...six…

MR ICKY: I don't mind dying.  I just don't want to be there when it happens!
(MR ICKY leaves screaming. JEKYLL chuckles as MATRON enters from right).

MATRON: Doctor Jekyll, we are running out of patients. (Looking at the audience) And so are they. And
we’re nearly broke.

JEKYLL: But the drugs don’t work!

MATRON: Give them a placebo if you can’t cure them, they’re all insured you know, and we need their
money. If they aren’t insured, cast them out, we don’t want the Welfare in this State!

JEKYLL: You may be Matron of my hospital but I am in charge. I will not tolerate such a callous attitude!
(JACQUES rushes in from left, carrying a bag of tricks (tin of snakes,handbuzzer, whoopee
cushion, baguette etc) and shoving MATRON to get to JEKYLL).

JACQUES: Bonjour Boys and Girls. Je m’apelle Jacques, (Looking at Matron) Mon Dieu! (To audience)
Mutton dressed as mutton! .Ooh la la Matron, I dreamt about you last night.

MATRON: Did you?

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JACQUES: Did I, Did I what?…..Oh….No, you wouldn't let me! (drum beat)

MATRON: Ooh! Where are your manners? (chases him around, bashing him)

JACQUES: My Manners? Je n’esais pas, I’m French, I’ve never used zem. Doctor, I’m a bit stiff,
(sarcastically) I sink Matron’s to blame!

JEKYLL: (Inspecting him) Just as I thought, you’ve hurt your coccyx.

JACQUES: I did not, ‘ees working fine, I hurt my back!

JEKYLL: Your coccyx is at the base of your spine.

JACQUES: Well I’ve never ‘eard it called dat before! ‘Ere Doctor J, I found your wallet. (he hands the
wallet to him)

JEKYLL: It’s empty!

MATRON: And I wonder who took the money!

JACQUES: Pas Moi! I never! I’m no teef! I’m earning now! I’ve got de new job de the new RAK Bowling
Alley!

MATRON: Tenpin?

JACQUES: No, Iz permanent!

MATRON: You’re permanently idle and you’re a little thief!

JEKYLL: Matron! You must take that back, Jacques’s as innocent as a lamb, aren’t you boy?
(Jacques feigns bashfulness)

JACQUES: No ‘ard feelings, eh? Matron. Shake on it.

(JACQUES extends a hand. MATRON takes it; the hand is fake and she is left holding it.

JACQUES: Always keen to give you de ‘and.(To audience) Dees props cost an arm and a leg! ...(To
audience) .I know, I know, we ‘ad zis gag before...zat’s for those who didn’t give it an ‘and first
time round! (Jacques gets entangled with Matron)

MATRON: Get out! Doctor…..Get….Jacques…off!!

(JACQUES runs out left laughing)

JEKYLL: Jacques just gets carried away.

MATRON: He’ll get carried away on a stretcher soon. You should sack him - and his stupid mother too.

JEKYLL: And then who would run the hospital laundry in the basement? Now I wish to continue my
experiments. Please attend to your duties, go down and see how the dirty laundry is coming
along!
(MATRON leaves right as JEKYLL places some purple liquid filled test tubes in front of him).
FX: RAIN AND OCCASIONAL THUNDER

JEKYLL: Alone at last. My purifying machine finally works - now to test this medicine
(JEKYLL takes his potion, mixes ingredients and drinks the purple liquid. He begins to react violently,
really over the top, clutching his throat and groaning -so the audience are fooled into thinking this is a
transformation).

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JEKYLL: (with pursed lips) Oh, it tastes like the Guinness at the Golden Ferret!
(He sits down and makes notes. Nothing happens).

JEKYLL: No effect…just like the Guinness at the Golden Ferret! (Then… )

FX: TRANSFORMATION MUSIC

JEKYLL grabs his throat again and starts to gasp. He then does a transformation dance and he staggers
behind the medical screen.
FX: TRANSFORMATION MUSIC (25 SECONDS)
ART - SCENE 2 (15 >16) TRANSFORMATION then SURGERY -ANIMATION (25 SECONDS)
(There is a transformation from JEKYLL to HYDE. A pause - then a hand appears from the medical
screen. A man backs out dressed as JEKYLL but turns around to reveal Mr HYDE, a half formed man
trying to take in his surroundings, grunting. HYDE spots and interacts with the audience through grunts.
He needs to get them booing, but purports not to know why when they do (and looks hurt). HYDE finds a
hand mirror. He looks in it and is revolted).

HYDE: Ugly! (He turns the mirror to face the audience and points to it) Ugly! Ugly! Me Hide! (Hides
behind mirror (HYDE then pulls out sweets).
HYDE: (To audience) You want?
(He makes as if to throw them some sweets then does not and scoffs some like a pig himself,
laughing. HYDE then pulls out a water pistol from the desk, and points at the audience).

HYDE: You want?

(He makes to put it away and then squirts bubbles, lulling them into a false sense of security, before
squirting water at them. Laughing, he addresses a man in the audience).

HYDE: You want kissy?

(There should be a negative response. HYDE looks hurt).

HYDE: But me wonderful!…Yes, me am!

(The “Oh no, you’re not/Oh yes me am” routine). During this banter, Cheerleaders jogging across stage
catch site of Hyde, stop, stare and laugh!
SONG: ‘UGLY’ (1.00); CHEERLEADERS enter left, one with singalong board stating:
‘U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi, You ugly! Hey! Hey! You ugly.’ (Repeat with audience participation)
(Exit left Cheerleaders)
ART - SCENE 2(39) SURGERY TO BLOOD BANK - ANIMATION
HYDE: You not like me? Me hurt. Me do damage.! Me want revenge! Destroy! Destroy! (acts out the
breaking of the blood bottles).
ART - SCENE 2(40) HYDE BREAKS THE BOTTLES ANIMATION
FX: LOUD CRASHING OF GLASS WITH SPLASHES.
(HYDE staggers behind screen which turns to JEKYLL’s surgery, and HYDE returns, his white coat is
now blood-splattered.

HYDE: (points to Cheerleaders’ direction) They make me do that! I can dance too!
(He begins to twitch and dances the transformation dance… )
FX: TRANSFORMATION MUSIC

HYDE: What happen? Changing! No, no …(Gurgling sounds)

(There is a transformation behind the screen back to JEKYLL, who cannot remember a thing).
ART - SCENE 2 (41) TRANSFORMATION then SURGERY -ANIMATION (25 SECONDS)
JEKYLL: (yawns) What a lovely sleep. Strange dream though. Did anything happen whilst I was
snoozing?
(The audience react. JEKYLL poo-poos the suggestions. He holds up cards with spots on).

JEKYLL: Can you see spots before your eyes? Yes? You’re obviously all hallucinating. How many spots
can you see? (Does magic card trick). You know I’m not very good at magic, I can only do half a

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 trick. Yes – I’m a member of the magic semi-circle! (drum beat) Anyway, I must begin work on
mass production of my cure –all potion immediately.

FX: THUNDER (Jekyll exits right)

SCENE THREE:
ART - SCENE 3 (1) LAUNDRY , WASHING MACHINE - ANIMATION
LULU’S LAUNDRY
FX: BUBBLING AND GURGLES + BUBBLE MACHINE.
(The laundry - clothes on lines; iron tubs; sinks; bubbles floating by occasionally; a decrepit old washing
machine. LULU enters left decorated with packets of washing powder, dolly pegs, etc. She enters to a
flurry of bubbles, carrying a bucket and tongs).

LULU: Hello boys & girls. I’m Lulu, so big they named me twice! I tell you what, When I shout out “You
make me wanna shout”, I want you all to shout “Hello Lulu” Can you do that?
(Lulu tries it out with the audience a couple of times).
LULU: My name is Lulu Lather. I’m a widow now, 3 times! My first ran a Pizzeria in Italy…but he ‘pasta’
way (drum beat). The second, Patrick, came from Ireland. He died of consumption…too much
Guinness! Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one! Anyway, so then I was an ex-
pat (drum beat). I met my third husband in his public convenience store in Gay Parii, a pee pee
parlour, French style…you know the sort, no bowls for your bowel movements …..well he wasn’t
called Two Loos Lather for nothing! Anyway, he kicked ‘les Bouquet’. When he died his plumbing
was completely round the twist. All he left me was petit Jacques, and a bent cistern! I was all
bust..(touching cleavage) mmmmm still am aren’t I girls? So I had to come out to the Middle East
for some tax-free dosh.

(Matron arrives right)

MATRON: Have you washed all the smalls yet Lulu?

LULU: Smalls? Smalls? I had my sights set on bigger things! When I arrived, you told me I was going to
be a fancy dancer in Dubai, moving my London derriere (wiggles her bottom) but with some
heavy trafficking on the Emirates Road, here I am, an old scrubber in RAK and Ruin Hospital! …
I’ve been a banged up broad, …I mean I’ve been banged up abroad all my life!

MATRON: What was that you said? If you don’t get on with your work, you won’t get your passport back,
and if you don’t have a passport, you’ll never leave RAK!

LULU: Who said there was free speech in the UAE? I can’t complain …well I can,(to the audience) …the
air cons always on the blink…. Yes…the landlord still hasn’t fixed it…I’ve been faxing him every
week for a year to get it done…Madam, I said Faxing! It’s hard work here in the laundry …I said
it’s hard work! Come on you lot, this is Pantomime, you’re supposed to go Ahhhh!!
(The audience react).

LULU: No it’s harder than that. (tries again with audience). Some of the patients’ underwear is so filthy-
they must be sick. It must be something they ate at Iftar! They didn’t get to this Loo Loo in time!
(drum beat)

MATRON: Lulu, enough already! Get on with your scrubbing, now!!! (Matron leaves right)

LULU: Doing lots of washing can make your hands dry, so I use Furry Liquid (shows audience the bottle
of Furry Liquid) available at all good supermarkets, Carrefour, Spinneys, Lulu’s -no relation I’m
afraid. Still, the one advantage of working here is that I can borrow the rich patients’ clothes. So
much to choose from; I’ve got stocks of frocks, rows of robes, and (unsure) lerts of skirts! I’m
going to change now. Gentlemen, I want you all to look away. If you’re not a gentleman, leave
your name at the stage door and I’ll take down your particulars later!

MUSIC: THE STRIPPER

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(She undresses behind the screen, revealing previously unseen items- all bizarre;. She comes out
again in a pair of long johns and some bizarre underwear!)

LULU: What do you think? I’m a beautiful, bountiful nightie-ful! Now, what shall I wear today?
(Starts to Sing ‘I FEEL PRETTY’ as she tries on different outfits)
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
It’s a pity
That these dresses are all far too tight.

LULU: I’m so poor and lonely - all I’ve got in the world is a lonely heart (suddenly angry) and my work-shy
son, Jacques. He’s may live in a laundry but he’s a lazy little sud!

(JACQUES arrives left carrying a massively overfilled laundry basket, almost toppling and arriving in a
flurry of bubbles)
JACQUES: Bonjour boys and girls. (Audience response). Ello, Ello mama, comment ca va?

LULU: That old washing machine’s on the blink again. It’s got a lot of defiance for an appliance!
ART - SCENE 3 (4) WASHING MACHINE MALFUNCTIONING - ANIMATION
(FX: MECHANICAL GRINDING There are more bubbles).

JACQUES: Everyting in dis ‘ospital is eyder too old or doesn’t work – (to audience) and she’s both! (drum
beat) and I get no petit pocket money as you don’t get paid!

LULU: Well that’s the wages of spin.

(Matron enters right).

MATRON: Look at you! Outside, a well-dressed woman, inside, a pathetic, sad old crone who lives in a
dream world and wears other people’s clothes and walks in other people’s shoes!

LULU: I don’t walk in your shoes, (to audience) The old boot! She’s a hatchet faced rat bag!

MATRON: (angry) What was that?

LULU: I said….I like to wear matching lace glad rags.

MATRON: (suddenly) That dress!

LULU: What’s wrong with it?

MATRON: Nothing. It’s a lovely dress. It’s just not yours, is it? If I catch you wearing customers…I mean
patients clothes………

LULU: You make me want to shout! (Some in the cast shout ‘Hello Lulu!’) not now, not now, I’m building
up some dynamic tension! …Are you threatening me? (squaring up for a fight) Look Matron, this
is my laundry.

MATRON: Yes, and it’s in my hospital. There has been a prolonged period of petty pilfering problems.

LULU: A prolonged period of petty pilfering problems? That was good. Can you say “She sells seashells
by the seashore?”

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MATRON: She spells sheasells ….see shell seasells, shells….

LULU: Didn’t think so.

MATRON: I think your boy Jacques did it and if I can prove it, you will be forced to leave this laundry
forever. You’ll be on the street and you’ll be destitute…

LULU: Oh no! I may occasionally be a lady in red, but I’ll never stoop so low as to be a destitute.

JACQUES: It wasn’t me - I never stole nuting!

MATRON: (corrects him) You’ve never stolen anything.

JACQUES: Ah ha! So you agree!

ART - SCENE 3 (6) DAMAGED BLOODBANK
MATRON: And - the hospital blood bank has been destroyed!

LULU: That can’t be Jacques!

MATRON: Why not? He’s always playing pranks. What about that time he put a firework in the lavatory?

LULU: That was just a flash in the pan.

MATRON: And he put a frog in my knickers. (removes a toy frog + FROG FX)

LULU: He just wanted to see a toad in the…never mind! What makes you think Jacques did it?

MATRON: The culprit would be covered in bloodstains - and where better to get rid of the evidence - but
in a laundry.

JACQUES: I didn’t do it. I swear.

MATRON: And we won’t have any swearing neither!

FX: KNOCK

(JEKYLL enters right, carrying his bloodstained white coat over his arm).
JEKYLL: All having a nice chat?

JACQUES: (sarcastic) Oh, we’re having a ball!

(Exit Jacques left).

JEKYLL (producing a ball from his pocket): Oh, you won’t want this then!

LULU: I didn’t realise it was that in his pocket, I thought he was just pleased to see me! Oh, Dr Jekyll,
would you like a nice cup of tea? Or something a bit weaker, like me? (she throws herself at him
and in so doing she drops some pants) Oh look, you’ve made me drop my pants!

JEKYLL: I’ve called he Police about the blood bank incident. They’re sending a detective along. Well,
good day, ladies. Matron, shouldn’t you be attending to your work?
(MATRON leaves right angrily. LULU mouths “bye bye” as she passes and mimes “score one to me”. )

LULU: Thank goodness for that! She’s upright, forthright and downright rude! So how can I help you,
Doctor Jekyll?

(JEKYLL shows his bloodstained white coat.)

JEKYLL: My coat has mysteriously got some blood stains on it. I can’t think how - could you give it a
quick clean? (he leaves right)

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LULU: What a bloody fine mess he’s got into today! And I thought he was such a smooth operator! He
must have slipped up with his scalpel.
(Lulu exits left)

SCENE FOUR:
ART - SCENE 3 (6) DAMAGED BLOODBANK
BLOOD BANK - Full of broken bottles
(JACQUES enters left carrying his bag of tricks, and looks around shocked at the damaged bottles).

JACQUES: Bonjour boys and girls! (audience response) Wow! Someone’s ‘ad a Bon temp in ‘ere!
(JACQUES hides as MOLLY enters right, singing ‘Part of your world’ with nose in her book...not
noticing all the damage)

MOLLY: Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, The girl who has everything? Look at this trove, Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold? (Molly’s books lyrics)

JACQUES: (Interrupting Molly’s song) Ool la la! Leetle Mermaidoiselle ! Non Non Non Non. Access sur
le public verboten!

MOLLY: I’m not a member of the public. I’m Molly - Molly O’Loan, a poor orphan who lives with Matron.
Do you know her?

JACQUES: Merde! Only too well! (suspicious) Do you come ‘ere orften poor leetle orphan? I never seen
you round de ‘orsepital?

MOLLY: I’m not allowed to leave our living quarters. Matron sees I have a roof over my head so I cannot
begrudge that she makes me do all the cooking and washing and cleaning and……. I just wish
she’d let me use something bigger than a toothbrush. Who are you?

JACQUES: (Bowing) Je mapelle Jacques. Bojour mon petit bijoux!

(He holds out his hand in greeting. MOLLY takes it and gets a shock).
FX: BUZZER.
JACQUES: (to the audience..showing the buzzer) Le ‘andbuzzer!

MOLLY: (hurt) Buzz off! That wasn’t very nice.

JACQUES: (contrite) Sorry, Molly. ‘Ere, have a nut.

(MOLLY takes and opens his tub of nuts, but screams as snakes flies out).
FX: WHIZZ AS SNAKE FLIES OUT

JACQUES: It was only a joke!

(MOLLY ignores him and takes notes as she looks round. JACQUES is curious).
Quesceque sais’? (pause) Quesceque sais’? (pause) Oi! I’m talking to you!

MOLLY: Well, I’m not talking to you.

JACQUES: No wonder you’re lonely.

MOLLY: (stung) Matron said that there had been an incident in the blood bank and I’m investigating it.

11
JACQUES: She tinks I’m de one who done it, too - but pas moi. I are never been to dis blood bank before
- I don’t even ‘ave an account! (drum beat) What are you writing?

MOLLY: I’m taking notes - this book says that’s what you do and I’m an educated young lady….I went to
RAKESS you know!

JACQUES: Oh la la !! Livre! Pah!! I go to de University of Life! I don’t need books and silly old teachers!
Old teachers never die; dey only lose der class. Bon- bon!

MOLLY: Well at RAKESS the classes always lose their teachers! The kids went back to school after
summer holiday and they’d all gone!

JACQUES: Gone?

CAST: Gone?

MOLLY: Gone!….Look,….Let’s not start that yet again!

JACQUES: I’ll tell you where I’ve just gone…..on a once-in-a-lifetime ‘oliday…… I'll tell you what, never
again! (drum beat) When I went away mon mama said, “Don’t forget to write”. I said dat’s
unlikely….it’s a basic skill isn’t it?

MOLLY: Right…. Well I know the 3 R’s!

JACQUES: Well I know de five R’s, artful dodging, arm wrestling, ‘ard cheese and erm…what are de
other two? ….Where is there to arse around here? (drum beat).Who wrote this stuff?..it’s really hit
the bottom.

MOLLY: Well I’m too young and innocent to understand, (to the audience) aren’t you children? …………
(waits for response). Anyway, it’s your artful dodging that I’m going to keep my eye on! I’m the
one who’s from a broken home, not you.

OFFSTAGE SHOUT: Yes, but you broke it!

MOLLY: Were you always a dodgy dealer?

JACQUES: I never dealt a doggy in my life! As a kid I was made to walk de plank. We couldn't afford to
walk the dog! (drum beat) I was French born and French bread? (Producing a rude image in the
process, he hands Molly a Baguette) …Okay, so it’s as stale as the jokes…you should have been
‘ere at de Dress Rehearsals if you wanted to get fresh!

MOLLY: (To audience) I assure you shouldn’t have been, and I don’t want to get fresh!

JACQUES: My early schooling was sort of okay … but I got trown out ….I started so many fights - I had
that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of dem.

MOLLY: I’m not going to blame society for your failings young man. I’m going to call the Police! I’m going
to take you to the cleaners!
(Exit Jaques left..as he’s leaving)
JACQUES: But I already live in da cleaners, and I’m not ‘aving you washing my dirty laundry in public, no
matter how pretty ….I mean petty….you are! (Winking to audience) She is tres pretty isn’t
she!..But she’s pretty full of herself too!
(Exit Molly Right)
12
SCENE FIVE:
ART - SCENE 5 (2) FOYER/
THE HOSPITAL FOYER/JEKYLL’S SURGERY
(Enter from left, SMASH and GRAB, and PATIENTS from right NURSES with table and Chairs + Jekyll.
MR ICKY waiting first).
ART - SCENE 5 (4)SURGERY
MR ICKY: Doctor doctor! I’m suffering from deja vu.

JEKYLL: Well, you did see me yesterday!

MR ICKY: I’ve got spots all over my chest. Can you cure me?

JEKYLL: I never make rash promises.

MR ICKY: I’m frightened of lapels!

JEKYLL: You’ve got Cholera! (drum beat)….Next

(SHEERLUCK JONES, WATSON, JACQUES from left & MATRON from right arrive).

SHEERLUCK: Doctor Jekyll?

JEKYLL: Yes?

SHEERLUCK: Another case solved! Gad, I’m a genius! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Sheerluck
Jones, the greatest detective in the world. And this is Non PC Watson. He’s my number two, and
nothing he says is PC I assure you!

MATRON: Inspector Jones, Wats..on.

SHEERLUCK: What’s on? Nothing much apart from this Panto tonight and a bit of slap and Tickle at the
Nakheel Hotel!

MATRON: I said Wat son, Wat son!

SHEERLUCK: I’m not your son…Are you hard of hearing?

MATRON: Oh, I give up! What progress is there on the blood bank?

SHEERLUCK: I shall hunt down the culprit to the three corners of the Earth.

MATRON: Don’t you mean “four corners”? What on earth got you two into the Police Force in the first
place?
(Exit right Jekyll and Matron disgusted)

WATSON: My D, D, D, Dad was a PC, Plod by name, plod by nature, My B, B, B, Brother was, well….
not so PC and my M, M, M, Mother was a WC! . (He blows his whistle)..Here comes plod now!
Come on Mr ICKY, D, d, d, d, don’t be such a s, s, s, s, s, sicky, Join in!
SONG : THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN.

PC PLOD: I knew a fat old policeman He was always on our street.

A fat and jolly red-faced man He really was a treat.

MR ICKY: He was too kind for a policeman He was never known to frown.
And everybody said He was the happiest man in town!.

Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

13
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

PC PLOD: He laughed upon point duty He laughed upon his beat.

He laughed at everybody When walking in the street.

MR ICKY: He never could stop laughing He said he never tried.

But once he did arrest a man And laughed until he cried!
Everybody:
Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

WATSON: We used to be City Centre b, b, b, b, b, b, b, beat officers, the ones that r, r, r, rap.

SHEERLUCK: I thought your brother was a traffic warden Watson. I remember he left a little note on my
car at the Yard which said ‘Parking Fine’…I thought that was awfully nice to compliment me on my
driving!

PC PLOD: Sir, It was a Parking ticket!, you were on a disabled Parking space!

SHEERLUCK: But I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car.
Now you lot, get back on the station and solve some crimes!

PC PLOD: But the toilets at our local police station have been stolen. And we’ve got nothing to go on.
(Extra coppers exit left)

SHEERLUCK: (Shouting) Use your helmets men! (Jones is suspicious and approaching a worried
SMASH and GRAB) Now then, you two. You’re dressed extremely suspiciously. Why you are
wearing blindfolds?

GRAB: Because….er…

SMASH: We’re terrible insomniacs and these help us sleep.

SHEERLUCK: (noting) Help you sleep. Then why the holes in them?

GRAB: Because…er….

SMASH: We’re also afraid of the dark.

SHEERLUCK: (furrows brow and then lightens) That seems to be in order. You’re free to go about your
business.

(SMASH and GRAB pick Jones’s pocket as they leave left. WATSON and PC Plod put their faces in their
hands).

SHEERLUCK: Nice man. Now, where was I?

JACQUES: Inspector Jones! Do you want some ‘elp solving de crime?

SHEERLUCK: Out of my way, garcon. You’re not Inspector Clouseau I don’t need your crackpot theories
- I’ve got plenty of my own. Watson, where is your pencil and paper? I want you to trace someone
for me. (drum beat). Watson - take his fingerprints!
(WATSON takes paper pad, inks JACQUES’s fingers and then presses them to paper, which
SHEERLUCK inspects them with a magnifying glass).

14
SHEERLUCK: This is very suspicious - your fingerprints match exactly some fingerprints we have police
records on

JACQUES: Where?

SHEERLUCK: These ones!

(SHEERLUCK brandishes the paper in the air).

JACQUES: Zis is stupid! I ‘ave not done it.

SHEERLUCK: We don’t tamper with evidence young man! Do we Watson? (looking at paper) …er …you
brought some tippex with you didn’t you?…correct me if I’m wrong! (drum beat). Geddit? Tippex…
correct me if I’m wrong? They’re all adrift! Where did they get this audience? …The Sailing Club?
They’ll be all adrift there soon, up the creek without a paddle.
(As he speaks Nurse Fanny brings on a cup of tea)
Nothing shall stop me in my search for the criminal - through Hell or high-water, rain and snow,
hail and pace. I shall be relentless, never ceasing, ever toiling, and stopping for nothing.

NURSE FANNY: Tea Time!

SHEERLUCK: Got to go…It’s 4 o’clock!!

(Exit Left)

SCENE SIX:
ART – SCENE 5 (6)SURGERY
JEKYLL’S SURGERY
(The SURGERY with desk and the Essence Distillation Engine covered up. MR ICKY enters left. JEKYLL
from right does not look up from his newspaper during the entire exchange that follows).

JEKYLL: Mr Icky - we’re closed.

MR ICKY: But Doctor, it’s a matter of life and death.

JEKYLL: So you keep promising.

FX: BREAKING WIND

MR ICKY: I’ve got the most awful wind. Can you give me something for it?
(JEKYLL gives him a small kite and pushes him off the stage towards left, and into LULU who is wearing
the Doctor’s white coat enters left. LULU and Mr Icky fall over).

LULU: Oh! Hello Doctor Jekyll. Hello boys and girls! …..You make me want to shout!…….
(Audience react. By now, Mr Icky walks off clutching his foot in pain).

LULU: Clearly a case of Footus Swollenus - or possibly Actus Excessivus.

JEKYLL: You’re not a doctor!

LULU: I must be – I have your coat on, but I’m dying to have it off.

JEKYLL: I asked you to clean it, press it and return it to me.

LULU: Well, I have, and I did and I am.

15
(LULU removes the coat to reveal a gown and apron, with fake front, which she removes to show a
Hamburger sign with the words ‘Home of the Whopper’)
LULU: You’ve got to make money where you can – and that’s just at the top…you should see what I’ve
got printed on the bottom! (To the male member of the audience) I know you’d like to see,
wouldn’t you….cheeky!

(JACQUES from left and MOLLY arrive from right. LULU grabs JACQUES by the ear).
LULU: Oh look - from pop idol to bone idle!

MOLLY: (to JACQUES) Stay away from me!

LULU: (suspicious) Jacques, You haven’t got into trouble, have you?

JACQUES: (cross) No - I’ve met dis girl.

LULU: (horrified) You haven’t got her into trouble?

MOLLY: Doctor, I’ve worked out who attacked the blood bank, your Jacques!

JACQUES: Non, I’m Jaques!

LULU: Codswallop! (explains) The wallop of cods!

JEKYLL: Enough cod humour! I have perfected an invention that will save this hospital from financial
ruin. Now close your eyes everyone!

LULU: Something smells fishy about this. Are we talking about an aquarium?

JACQUES: What does it matter what star sign it is?(drum beat) ….Or is it a counterfeit money press?

JEKYLL: No no no. Nothing illegal; I am an ethical man. I’ve signed the Hippocratic oath!

LULU: I never called you no Hypocrite. But I won’t hold it against you dear, unless…you’d like me too!
(She fumbles, still with her eyes closed in an attempt to embrace Jekyll)

JEKYLL: I would like to share with you everything I hold dear to me. May I show you my equipment?

LULU: Oh my dear, I thought you’d never ask! Bring it on, bring it on!
(JEKYLL reveals the Engine)

JEKYLL: All right, you can look now! It is my Essence Distillation Engine!
(LULU and JACQUES gasp, then realising they don’t understand look confused! )

LULU: Does it make things pure?

JEKYLL: Well, in your case nothing can reverse the ravages of age! I believe Carrefour has a range of
Anti-Aging creams you could try, but I would suggest plastic surgery! No, this machine lets me
mass produce medicines to cure sick people.

JACQUES: Does it work?

LULU: (increasingly OTT) Does it work? Does it work? Does it work? (She points, draws a breath, thinks
better of it, turns and says calmly to JEKYLL) He’s got a point, you know. Does it work?

JEKYLL: Yes it does! The machine breaks things down into its basic parts.

LULU: Let me try it. We had a Chinese takeaway last night. Here’s the sweet and sour we had left over.
(LULU puts a tub into the Engine, pulls the lever and the lights flash)

16
FX: COMEDY MACHINE NOISES

LULU: (pulls out a bag of sweets) Well, here’s the sweet.

(LULU hands them to JACQUES who throws them into the audience. LULU returns to the Engine and
pulls out a picture of MATRON).

LULU: And here’s the sour!

MOLLY: It’s marvellous, Doctor.

JEKYLL: My Essence Distillation Engine will save the world.

(Molly leaves right, Jaques and Lulu left. JEKYLL removes two test tubes from the Engine).

JEKYLL: One more test to make sure my sleeping draft is safe.….(Lifts to drink but stops at knocking)
Not again! Who is it this time?
(From left a pregnant Mrs Icky enters with her husband looking terrified)
MRS ICKY: Doctor, something’s happened to me…I have belly ache…Is it something I’ve eaten?

DR JEKYLL: (Despairing, but shaking Mr Icky’s hand after a quick inspection)

Congratulations, You’re pregnant! You’re going to have a baby!

MR ICKY: I’m going to have a baby? It’s a miracle!

DR JEKYLL: Not you, you fool, your wife!

MR ICKY: But it is a miracle, I haven’t had sex with my wife since 1956, That’s a long time ago!

DR JEKYLL: (Looking at his watch) Not really, it’s 20.17 now! (drum beat)

MR ICKY: But should she be having a baby after 45?

DR JEKYLL: No, 45 is more than enough!(drum beat).

MRS ICKY: (Pointing to his potions) Doctor, Is that something I could take?

DR JEKYLL: Well er…let’s see… (Hides potion to one side, brings on some lime and coconut)
MUSIC: COCONUT-

MRS ICKY: Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take? I said "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache,"
I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?" I said "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache."

DR JEKYLL: Now lemme get this straight, You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em bot' up,
You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em bot' up, You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em
bot'up, You put de lime in de coconut, thencall this doctor, wake 'im up,

MRS ICKY: Doctor, ain't there nothing' I can take? I said, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache."
I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?' I said, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache,"

DR JEKYLL: You put de lime in de coconut, you drink 'em bot' togedder
Put de lime in de coconut and you'll feel better, Put de lime in de coconut, drink 'em bot' up,
Put de lime in de coconut and call me in the morning.

17
 Woo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.
Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.
(MR AND MRS ICKY leave left with the coconut drinks)

JEKYLL: Happy Hour is over…now it’s time for my drink!

(JEKYLL repeats the earlier transformation and becomes MR HYDE).
ART - (10/80) TRANSFORMATION ANIMATION (25 SECONDS)/ (11/80) SURGERY)
FX: TRANSFORMATION MUSIC.
HYDE: Live again. Free. Not trapped in no good do gooder doctor (entranced by the phrase and sings it
to himself). No good do gooder doctor. No good do gooder doctor. (shakes himself out of it) Must
destroy things (to booing audience) You shut up! (HYDE lumbers off).

SCENE SEVEN:
ART - SCENE 7 (1) OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL
(OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL: Smash and Grab are preparing to break and enter).
SMASH: Let’s smash the window!

GRAB: And grab the patients’ goodies!

(Matron enters, marches over and holds both by the collar).

MATRON: So, You are, are you not, the notorious criminals, Smash and Grab?

SMASH: It depends! Let’s ask the audience…(to the audience) Is she a goody or a baddy? (Audience
call out).That’s all right then! Smash and Grab your friendly neighbourhood thieves at your service
madam.
(Matron releases them)
MATRON: I know you’ve been robbing the patients (to audience) and at 50 Dirhams a ticket, we’re
robbing the audience……. but the hospital is going bankrupt and I need the money. Fifty percent
for me, fifty percent for you.

GRAB: But that’s not fair. We do all the work.

MATRON: What a far-sighted thief you are.

GRAB: I’m not far-sighted. My vision is perfect! Twenty Twenty.

MATRON: Done! Twenty Twenty it is, leaving sixty percent for me. Happy? (As GRAB nods) Excellent.
Now, Mr Smash, a word. (Twisting his arm behind his back) I do hope you’re being square with
me. Someone damaged the blood bank last night. You wouldn’t know anything about it, would
you?

SMASH: No, no!

MATRON: (with increasing violence) Are you sure? I’d hate to think you might be considering double
crossing me in any way. MATRON throws him to the floor. GRAB runs over.

MATRON: Strange. I wonder who it can be? Get out of here!

(SMASH and GRAB run off).

MATRON: (to Audience) Surprised that I should hire these ruffians? Then you’re stupider than you look -
if that’s possible. I want to run this hospital. I want the power! And let’s face it, power is something
we have to generate in a place like RAK, isn’t it Mums and Dads?

18
SCENE EIGHT:
ART - SCENE 8 (1) SURGERY
JEKYLL’S SURGERY
(The surgery with books on shelf, desk, stool, changing screen and the Engine. HYDE arrives right).
HYDE: Me a knicker knicker! (He holds up a huge pair of bloomers cheekily).
(He picks on people in the audience threatening to go down and get kisses.) You ugly. Not as ugly as
him though. You give Hyde kiss.
(Hyde then pulls out JEKYLL’s doctor’s bag and rummages in it. He plays with pens and puts his
fingers on his ink pad, he looks at his fingers)
Ink…readable…Like Henna on hands!
(He puts on a stethoscope and holds up the chest pad and shouts into it. He shudders with pain. He
then produces a water gun. He threatens the audience with it.)
Who want little prick? Who want water on brain?
(He looks at it, but it only produces bubbles, so he squirts it into the audience laughing. He sees the
books and runs to them…………
ART - SCENE 8 (2) BOOK DESTRUCTION - ANIMATION
………….Tearing them off the shelves in frenzy He rips them up. Pages fly everywhere, some flutter
down to the stage).
That’s torn it! Me Hyde and seek.
(He hides behind changing screen. As MOLLY enters holding a book)

MOLLY: I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em? Oh - feet! etc
(She sees the damage, stoops to pick up some pages, and begins to cry).

MOLLY: Not the books! The teachers at RAKESS have been waiting months for these! Who got their
dirty hands on these?
(JACQUES enters. MOLLY runs to him and he comforts her. They hug for a minute, then she sees his
inky fingers and backs away from him horrified. JACQUES is confused).

MOLLY: (suddenly) You did this!

JACQUES: I never!

MOLLY: You have inky fingers!

(MOLLY starts hammering him with her fists so JACQUES grabs her wrists. MATRON enters the room
quietly at his point and observes).

MOLLY: You deliberately destroyed the only thing in my small miserable life that gave me even a glint of
the light of pleasure, and all to prove some point about not needing books.

JACQUES: Molly! Molly! Calm down.

MOLLY: I hate you. I hate you and I never want to see you again.
(MOLLY pulls herself free and runs out of the room).

JACQUES: (dejectedly) Molly, come back. I didn’t do it!

MATRON: A prank too far, Jacques. Criminal damage! You’ll be sent for three more years hard labour in
Ruwais Men’s College, and then deportation!

JACQUES: You’ll ‘ave to catch me first….

(JACQUES scarpers. MATRON picks up a torn page).
19
MATRON: I can pin this on Jacques and his hopeless mother, Lulu. (Suddenly thoughtful) But I wonder
who did this? There’s only one person clever enough - me! But I’ve got the perfect alibi: I didn’t do
it.
(MATRON laughs evilly, and HYDE joins in. MATRON stops but HYDE does not. MATRON addresses
the audience).
MATRON: I don’t think it’s that funny.

(HYDE stands behind MATRON, who senses someone and does a theatrical turn allowing HYDE to
remain unseen. He returns to the medical screen).

MATRON: Is there somebody there?

(MATRON looks round and when done , HYDE comes out again. MATRON turns round and for a few
seconds they are a mirror image of each other as HYDE copies her reactions. She points at him
and takes a step forward, then back - then she does a little dance (HYDE replicates all of these) -
suddenly claps, and pulls out an orange from a pocket - HYDE pulls out a banana! )

MATRON: What are you?

HYDE: Hyde! You Matron?

MATRON: (with authority but careful) I am Matron.

HYDE: You work for Jekyll? Me know Jekyll. Jekyll not know me. He enemy. He trap Hyde.

MATRON: (interested) You don’t like Doctor Jekyll?

HYDE: Me hate Jekyll. Me free only when Jekyll dead.

(HYDE acts like an excited child shouting “kill Jekyll”)

MATRON: Perhaps we can be of help to each other. I think you’re the one that I want!!!!
SONG: YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT.
HYDE: I got chills,They're multiplyin' and I'm losin' control. 'Cause the power I’m supplyin', it's electrifyin'!

MATRON: You better shape up ,'cause I need a monster, and my heart is set on you.
You better shape up; you better understand, to revenge I must be true.

HYDE: Nothin' left, nothin' left for me to do.

BOTH: You're the one that I want (you are the one I want), o,o, funny
The one that I want (you are the one I want want), o,o, o,o, funny
The one that I want (you are the one I want want), o,o, ooooo
The one I need Oh, yes indeed.

SCENE NINE:
ART - SCENE 3 (1) LAUNDRY ANIMATION
LULU’S LAUNDRY
(LULU enters, with washing powder boxes, a sack, bucket of foam).

LULU: You make me wanna shout! …… I miss gay Parrii so much. They like their rugby there! Before I
met Jaque’s dad I used to play the field. I used to be a hooker…any excuse for a scrum! Those
French make such romantic lovers. I had loads of fan mail and even more male fans. So many
French letters! Just thinking of my ex husband makes me want to go “oui oui”.

(JACQUES runs on).

JACQUES: Mama, the cops are after me!

LULU: Put this on!

20
(She throws him a large dress and wig, which he puts on. SHEERLUCK JONES, WATSON and
MATRON arrive).

SHEERLUCK: I am Sheerluck Jones, the world’s greatest sloth - er, sleuth! I am looking for a man.

LULU: See if you can get one for me too!

SHEERLUCK: I am here to apprehend the criminal! The culprit was none other than……I’ve forgotten.

MATRON: (Pointing to Lulu) Your son, Jacques.

SHEERLUCK: My son, Jacques…..er, your son, Jacques! Watson, Ou est Jacques et?

WATSON: Here’s your J, J, J, J, Jacket sir!

MATRON: Where is the wretched boy?

LULU: I don’t know

JACQUES: (falsetto) Nor do I!

LULU: This is Jacqueline - my…sister.

(MATRON goes over to JACQUES and pulls off JACQUES’s wig )
MATRON: It’s Jacques!

LULU: Jacques - what have you done with my sister? (To audience) He makes such a nice girl too!

SHEERLUCK: Watson, arrest that woman…man…Jacques.

(WATSON throws a picture frame over JACQUES head).

JACQUES: I’ve been framed! It’s not a fair cop!

SHEERLUCK: So Jacques, the knicker nicker’s nicked! (holding up the wig, he looks at Identikit picture
of Jacques and then Jacques in the frame). Identikitical! Jacque and Jacqueline, we’ve caught you by
the short and curlies. Watson, would you like to take down some evidence from this woman, the chief
witness?

WATSON: K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K K, K-nickers!

SHEERLUCK: Jacques Lather, (looking in his French Phrase book) Je Suis arrest you in the name of
Jude Law!

(LULU throws foam all over WATSON’s face. JACQUES escapes as WATSON slowly clears his face).
SHEERLUCK and WATSON pursue JACQUES off stage.

MATRON: What is this?

(MATRON pulls out a big banknote from the sack on the floor).

MATRON: A 100 Dirham note! ……..Money laundering!

LULU: You put it there!

MATRON: So what if I did. I’m giving you (she hands LULU the sack) - the sack!
21
LULU: You can’t!

MATRON: I can!

LULU: You won’t!

MATRON: I shall!

LULU: She has!

MATRON: Lulu Lather - I want you out of this hospital within the hour!

SCENE TEN:
ART -SCENE ‘11’ (1-30) FOYER
THE HOSPITAL FOYER
(LULU is alone dragging loads of bags full of clothes. Crying, she blows her nose on some knickers)
LULU: Oh look, I’ve wet my pants! Ooh, I’m ever so sad, (The audience react) I’m sadder than that,
come on,let’s have some symmetry! (Gets a bigger audience reaction)
Evicted!…. All I want to do is creep out unseen before the hospital opens - so you’ll let me know if
you see anyone whilst I try to carry this BAGGAGE to the door, won’t you, boys and girls?
(She drags her case full of clothes round the stage, saying goodbye to people in the audience.
HYDE enters for the “Behind You” routine. They bump into each other. LULU screams with fright, Hyde
laughs ‘til he sees her face and then pulls a face of disgust).

LULU: Who are you?

HYDE: Hyde.

LULU: Where?

HYDE: Here

LULU: If I hid here, you’d see me.

HYDE: Me Hyde. You next victim.

LULU: That’s nice. (double take) ….Victim Eh? You just try it, Mister! I’m a mistress of the Martial Arts,
Akido not! I make a great Chop Suey and I’m a Ju Jitsu black belt. I f I grab your black belt your
trousers fall down.
(He advances on her slowly and they struggle, Lulu collapses, Hyde wanders off stage).

JEKYLL: (offstage) I will not let you do it. It is my turn to control you.

HYDE: Stop it…stop it…

(MATRON arrives )
MATRON: Hyde! What’s wrong?

HYDE: Stop it! Stop it Aarghh!!!

(MATRON looks on in horror as HYDE runs out contorted. JEKYLL enters in same contortions).

MATRON: You! You are Hyde.

JEKYLL: To my eternal shame, yes. My tainted potion makes the evil in a man’s heart a real person.
Hyde is everything that I abhor - evil, corrupt, murderous….

22
MATRON: …..Bold, dynamic, visionary! And you are everything I hate. Hyde is the only creature equal to
my ambition and he can help me achieve it.

JEKYLL: Never!
(JEKYLL runs from the room, MATRON chases after him. LULU wakes up).

LULU: This place is full of ghosties and ghoulies. I don’t want to be grabbed by the ghosties - and I
certainly don’t want to be grabbed by the….er..the….er (to man in audience) now come on sir,
save the toilet humour for the interval, we’re nearly there!
(MR ICKY arrives. A distracted JEKYLL runs on again from the other side).

JEKYLL: Where is it? Where is it?

MR ICKY: Doctor, doctor! I think I’m deck of cards!

JEKYLL: Look, I’ll deal with you later, so pack up and shuffle off! (agitated) Where is it, where is it?
(MR ICKY leaves. MOLLY arrives and runs to JEKYLL.)

JEKYLL: My Essence Distillation Engine! It’s not in my surgery, I’ve checked.

(SHEERLUCK JONES arrives with WATSON).

SHEERLUCK: Nobody move! (Everyone ignores him). I said, nobody move! (Everyone ignores him)
Okay then - everybody move! (Everybody suddenly stands still).

SHEERLUCK: That’s better - if a little unorthodox. I am Sheerluck Jones, the world’s most grating
detective - er - greatest detective. I have narrowed the search down for the notorious Jacques the
Ripper…of book pages, to…where Watson?

WATSON: Th, th, th, th, this hospital sir.

MOLLY: But you already knew that.

SHEERLUCK: (sheepishly) Yes, but it’s taken time to invent a nickname for him. They like that sort of
thing back at Scotland Yard.

LULU: Inspector Jones - there has been a murderous attempt on my person.

SHEERLUCK: Would you care to give a description?

LULU: (flirtatiously) Ooh Yes, youngish woman (to audience) …come on, come on, suspend your
disbelief for me please! …with blue eyes, good sense of humour, interested in camel racing and
laundry, seeks similar for fun and perhaps more. Non-smoker preferred.

SHEERLUCK: I meant of the attacker!

(MATRON enters furiously)

LULU: Nasty looking Scotswoman, cross woman, cross dresser, unsightly tatooes, knarled hands,
greasy hair...

SHEERLUCK: Watson - arrest that woman (pointing at MATRON)

(Watson approaches her but she growls and he runs whimpering behind SHEERLUCK).

WATSON: Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, Sh, She’s a bi, bi, bi, bit scary…. Inspect…’er.

SHEERLUCK: I intend to inspect her when you’ve taken down her dress,…I mean address!

MATRON: It wasn’t me, you fool.

23
LULU: That’s him - and there he is! (she points at JEKYLL).

MOLLY: But Doctor Jekyll is heroic and kind.

LULU: But he changed - from the (mimes nasty HYDE) to the (mimes charming JEKYLL) -
but he’s still the (mimes nasty HYDE) underneath. It was so frightening, I fainted in my sleep!

SHEERLUCK: The only criminal in this hospital is your son Jacques! Watson, make a note - attempted
matricide!

LULU: He was nowhere near my bed! (drum beat)(to audience) I don’t sleep well though boys and girls,
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

JEKYLL: (delirious) Must find it. Where is it?

SHEERLUCK: What’s wrong with him?

MOLLY: He thinks the Essence Distillation Engine has been stolen.

SHEERLUCK: Gone! Go on! What will that mean to my Career as the world’s greatest detective?
(The Distillation Engine moves across the stage as JACQUES uses it to hide behind. WATSON having
seen it, tugs at Jones’ sleeve).

WATSON: It’s b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,behind you

SHEERLUCK: No Watson, I’ve got a future, with Jacques le Ripper on the streets I’m going up to Chief
Inspector in no time!

WATSON It’s b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,…(pleading with the audience to help)

SHEERLUCK: Oh, I see! Good job Watson!

(They all watch it move slowly across the stage - SHEERLUCK pulls out JACQUES).

MOLLY: Jacques!

LULU: Jacques!

MATRON: Jacques!

SHEERLUCK: Name please!

MATRON: It’s the boy you’re looking for!

SHEERLUCK: Are you sure?

MATRON: You really don’t know Jacques, do you?

(SHEERLUCK handcuffs himself to JACQUES. Jacques somehow makes out that Sheerluck is his
prisoner.)

SHEERLUCK: You’re nicked, son! I always get my man!

LULU: I always lose my man! Let my son go - I appeal to you.

SHEERLUCK: No, you certainly don’t Madam! Come on, son, you simply must accompany me to the
station. (SHEERLUCK and JACQUES exit).

24
LULU: Come back with my son!
(WATSON and Molly also exit).

JEKYLL: (Looking at Ink on his hands.) I’ve got ink on my hands! So I tore up the library books! I’m being
corrupted from within. Whittled away piece by piece. No time to explain. Must purify. Purify!
(JEKYLL climbs into the Engine and closes the door as the lights flash and machine smokes).
ART -SCENE 10 (1,000 TO END) JEKYLL AND HYDE FIGHT – ANIMATION
FX: MACHINE NOISES (JEKYLL staggers out of the Engine).

MATRON: (in vain) Hyde, Hyde!

JEKYLL: Evil - all gone. Hyde is teasing me! The evil is now within me…I must run away!
(JEKYLL collapses onto the floor. MATRON comes forward crying)

MATRON: Destroyed! The Engine is destroyed and with it the only man good enough for me. (suddenly
angry and pointing) You murdered him!
FX: SMOKE AND EXPLOSIONS
(Cruel laughter and then HYDE steps out of the smouldering machine - SMASH and GRAB appear and
quietly wheel it off. NURSES and PATIENTS arrive).

HYDE: (sarcastic) So touching! Me cry.

MATRON. But how can you both exist at the same time?

HYDE. Me distilled out of him. Now both real. His blood tainted!

MATRON. Together we can rule this hospital! Lock up Jekyll and the girl! Lock up everyone!

HYDE: Hyde is taking over!

JEKYLL: Wherever egos I go! Hyde is a part of me and I of him! (Singing) I am me, and he is me and we
are all together…(to audience) but that’s too complicated a song to close the half. But we are
together……. Everyone has the devil inside them, and my tainted potion has brought that demon
out of the closet!. How can I get away from me? I’ve got to get away, I’ve got to get away from
this…..tainted blood!!
ART - SCENE 10 (670 TO END) JEKYLL AND HYDE FIGHT - ANIMATION ….then immediately…
Scene ‘11’ (4 to end) JEKYLL AND HYDE DUEL - ANIMATION to CURTAIN
Act Closing Song: TAINTED LOVE
(Jekyll sings it to Hyde as cast of dancers come out in pairs to 80’s dance routine)
JEKYLL:
Sometimes I feel I've got to run away
I've got to get away
From the pain you drive into the heart of me.
The blood we share seems to go nowhere

And I've lost my light for I toss and turn - I can't sleep at night.

Once I ran to you now I'll run from you

This tainted blood you've given -

I give you all a boy could give you.
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
25
 tainted blood - tainted blood.

EVERYONE:
Tainted blood - tainted blood
(As the scene ends, the dancers are twisting and turning demonically in mirror images)

26
ACT TWO.
SCENE TWELVE:
OPENING MUSIC – I PUT A SPELL ON YOU (For duration of animation)
ART -SCENE 12 a (then 2 - 2234) FROM CURTAIN RISE TO CITY SCENE- ANIMATION
(about 2 minutes to get people settled down)…then action begins
JAIL:
(Elvis in Cell, Smash and Grab guarding cell, MATRON and HYDE to side)
ART -SCENE 12 b (1- 2050) DUNGEON - ANIMATION
SONG: JAILHOUSE ROCK .
ELVIS:
The warden threw a party in the county jail
The prison band was there and they began to wail
The band was jumpin' and the joint began to swing
You should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing
(CAST on stage, jiving):
Let's rock
Everybody, let's rock
Everybody in the whole cell block
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock

(Sings until ‘stuffed’)

Spider Murphy played the tenor saxophone
Little Joe was blowin' on the slide trombone
The drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bang
The whole rhythm section was a purple gang

(ELVIS is shut away, but continues singing as MATRON stuffs a hamburger in his mouth and he stops
and eats hamburger)……I’m lovin’ it! (Sings) Big Mac’s tender, Big Mac’s true….

MATRON: Elvis has left the building! (FX RINGING SOUND)…O-Oh, Elvis again…it’s his cell phone!
(drum beat)

ELVIS: (from inside cell) I’m all shook up! Don’t leave me in this cell with George Michael!

MATRON: But! But!

ELVIS: Please Matron …no buts! I’m a red-blooded American ….Lindsay Lohan…now where’s her cell
mate? (Elvis slips away, JEKYLL slips into cell)

MATRON: We’ve contacted GETH to get her home, but that woman’s beyond the pale!

HYDE: (To Jekyll) Jail house Doc! You want out of cell yet?

JEKYLL: I’ve told you already, I won’t build you an Essence Distillation Engine.

HYDE: Do what me say, or do you want two way stretch on the Jailhouse rack!

JEKYLL: And how long is that going to be?

HYDE: About another six inches!

JEKYLL: (Sounding interested) And what exactly are you stretching?

MATRON: I assure you, you’ve got nothing to Hyde! But then as you get longer, so will Hyde!

JEKYLL: He is no longer me!

MATRON: Au contraire! Meet your bitter half!

27
HYDE: Me need your machine to make potion. To make army of Hydes and rule world….By tomorrow or
else. (HYDE holds up a calendar with a date ringed).
Me leave you this calendar here. (he puts it on floor next to the cell)

JEKYLL: Why?

HYDE: (points at prison and calendar in turn) It’s your cell-by-date. (drum beat) Me will catch the girl and
you will make machine. Or the girl will get….broken.
(HYDE walks off laughing, MATRON follows: SMASH & GRAB on right stand guard).

GRAB: I don’t like this, Smash! I’m scared!.

SMASH: We do as we’re told - shut up and guard.

(Enter Molly, singing)

MOLLY: I want the key to the door…never been 21 before!

SMASH: (pushing in front of GRAB, trying to impress) Are you really 21 today?

MOLLY: Yes I am, and I want my freedom!

SMASH: I have the key to your freedom!

MOLLY: Well…What do you know! (Holding her hand out)

SMASH: I know noooooothing…I go to RAKESS.

GRAB: (pushing in front of SMASH) So do I…..I mean neither do I. (Giving her the key)

MOLLY: Gentlemen, take me to the Doctor!

(SMASH and GRAB congratulating themselves, take MOLLY in. Moments later JEKYLL and MOLLY
exit). FX: TWO HITS WITH A METAL BAR

JEKYLL: I loved that one about two men walking into a bar! (drum beat)

OFFSTAGE: You would have thought the second would have seen it!

JEKYLL: They were a couple of good gags Molly!

MOLLY: Yes Doctor, I used Lulu’s old bloomers to silence them. That should keep them quiet for a while!
(JEKYLL and MOLLY run off).

SCENE THIRTEEN:
ART -SCENE 13 (1) POLICE STATION (no animations in this scene)
THE POLICE STATION
(SHEERLUCK is sitting behind a desk. LULU arrives in a voluminous dress and huge hat. WATSON is in
the background).

LULU: (stage whisper) You make me wanna shout! (the audience react. LULU is delighted and then
shushes them).Oh I love that 60’s music…I know, some people say I’m into my sixties…… so
don’t you start! I really like that Elvis! I bought a train ticket to France last summer, and the ticket
seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley’! (drum beat) This is
where my son is locked up - and I want to get him out. (She weeps) I’m sonless, jobless,
homeless, shiftless, hopeless. (angry) Not like that! (sad again) I’m ever so unhappy. (The
audience react). Don’t you patronise me! All I own are the clothes I’m standing in (confidentially)
and they’re not all mine.

28
SHEERLUCK: Can I help you, madam?

LULU: I do hope so.

SHEERLUCK: (trying to see her face) Don’t I know you? I never forget a face, (to audience) but in her
case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

LULU: No, we’ve never met before in our lives, Inspector Sheerluck Jones! I just had to see you alone.

SHEERLUCK: Oh, I’ll go then! (he starts to walk away)

LULU: Come back! I want to report a robbery.

SHEERLUCK: A robbery, eh?

LULU: Yes. You’ve stolen my heart. And now I want you to rob me of my….

WATSON: V,V,V,V,V,V, Vitue?

(LULU throws herself at Sheerluck)

LULU: You know, I’ve got the body of an 18 year old! (To audience) I keep it in a fridge at the Hospital!
(drum beat)

WATSON: I, I, I, I, Inspector!

SHEERLUCK: I’d rather not!…Now Madam, Granada 2 is a respectable Neighbourhood (to audience)
unlike Al Hamra…now there’s a den of iniquity! Full of drunken sailors and goofy golfers, and as
for The Purple Palace, well, I’m lost for words. You certainly wouldn’t be out of place dressing up
like that in that neighbourhood! So I have to ask you madam, this is a family show, is anything
worn under that dress?

LULU: No it’s all in perfectly sound working order!

SHEERLUCK: Madam!

LULU: I am not a madam! (To audience) Although I do believe women should be obscene and not
heard! (To SHEERLUCK) I am the Abyss of Abu Dhabi.
(SHEERLUCK gasps and prostates himself before her).

LULU: Inspector – I’d like to dine in your arms tonight - and after that, who knows? ……Marriage!

SHEERLUCK: Your ladyship, I can’t even afford to give me a ring!

LULU: Well send me an email then, put it on my Calendar!

SHEERLUCK: (To audience) I’m not worthy, am I?

LULU: (looking at the audience) We’ll see what he’s worth, won’t we ladies and gentlemen? He’s the one
who ought to do time…I’d say he needs to go down for 5 to 10 at least, and so should the writer
for writing this sauce!

SHEERLUCK: But are you really the Abyss of Abu Dhabi?

29
LULU: You betcha, buster. I’m as posh as they come, me! I’ve got 10 maids…one for each toenail. I’ve
got two big Rolls and an open top Porche

SHEERLUCK: (To the audience)…Two Rolls and an open top Porche! And I’ve only got a little mini with
two flat tyres..I can see myself rising to the ocassion! But how did your ladyship come to fall for
me?

LULU: As a policeman, you are very arresting!

WATSON: (Suspicious) In, In, In, In, Inspector!

LULU: Pray, who are you?

WATSON: I’m his mini mini mini mini -me!

LULU: What…son?

WATSON: Th, th, th, that’s right!

LULU: (To SHEERLUCK) I don’t care if you have a son, I’ll be wifey number two!
(singing) Me and Mrs Jones, we have a thing going on!

WATSON: Inspector, that’s b, b, b, b, b, b, bigamy! It’s ag, g, g, g, g, against the law! And you are the
law!

LULU: Poleaeeese Watson, Bigamy? ….it’s just ‘big of me’ to offer!

SHEERLUCK: This is so sudden. I’d like to cook you a romantic dinner by candlelight.

LULU: Don’t you have an oven (drum beat)?

SHEERLUCK: Would you like a drink?

LULU: All I want is a cuppa copper coffee made in a proper copper’s coffee pot!

SHEERLUCK: Watson…Could you please get that.

WATSON: Yes sir, A c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, cup of c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, c, copper c, c, c, c, c, c,…..

SHEERLLUCK: (Impatiently) ….Watson…Make it Nescafe! Oh, your Abysmullness - you’re gorgeous. I

like pretty little dresses!…I like big ones too!!

LULU: Oh Inspectme, I mean….er, you are awful….but I like you! ….and I always get my man. Now,
Inspector, darling, how brave you must be. Just you looking after all those nasty pros and cons in
your cells.

SHEERLUCK: There are more cons than pros inside at the moment Madam. Watson prefers it when we
have more pros than cons. (Watson nods his head) We had a big round up in Dubai last week.
Russian…… a lot of ‘em, really rushin’ when they spotted Watson and I! Watson likes meeting
them in bars but seems to prefer banging them up behind bars, don’t you Watson?

WATSON: Yes sir I think that’s where they belong!

SHEERLUCK: It seems to cure his stutter as well. I just shout at them to keep them in line.

LULU: Oh, you’re a gobby bobby! Oh Inspector! Do show me some of the villainous types you’re
protecting me from. If you do, your little Abu Dhabi Abyss will give you a big kiss.

30
SHEERLUCK: All right then.
(SHEERLUCK closes his eyes - and LULU uses a sink plunger to simulate a kiss).
FX: BIG SLURPY KISS WITH POP

SHEERLUCK: Watson, fetch the prisoners.

(WATSON brings on JACQUES. LULU fails to catch JACQUES’s attention. Lulu signals, snaps her finger
and waves a flag, etc. LULU in desperation pulls out an aerosol horn and blasts it. Everyone looks at
her).

LULU: Oh, I’m so sorry. These fly sprays are so loud! (To audience) Kids, What’s the last thing that goes
through the mind of a fly as it hits the windscreen of a car?…..It’s bottom!…..Never mind, ask your
parents about it later! Now, this little bug looks very bad (LULU approaches Jacques and wags
her finger) You naughty naughty man! I never want to cast eyes on you again.
(LULU turns her back on JACQUES and signals him to climb under her voluminous dress, which he
does. SHEERLUCK does not notice. LULU awkwardly starts to leave).

SHEERLUCK: (hurt) Your Abyssmalness, where are you going?

LULU: I’m just off to powder my nose, I’ll be back in two ticks and we can talk about the wedding. I’m all
shook up, that young ruffian has made me feel quite faint. Now don’t go off the boil, saucepot!
(LULU and the concealed JACQUES leave hurriedly).

SHEERLUCK: You know what Watson, she was a real lady!

WATSON (rolls his eyes, to audience). Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, she was a f, f, f, f, f, fat sl, sl, sl ,sl sl, sl, sl,
sl……………..(Carries on as they walk off)

SCENE FOURTEEN:
ART -SCENE 14a (1- 370) HOSPITAL WARD TO HYPNOSIS - ANIMATION- then action begins
THE HOSPITAL WARD
(The hypnotised NURSES & PATIENTS walk on like Zombies in a row. Hiding, MOLLY and JEKYLL look
on in disbelief. HYDE walks in front of them, laughing).
HYDE: All hypnotised. Now me will give them potion. Make them into my army.

MOLLY: (Out of Hyde’s earshot) Hyde’s hypnotised everyone! Did you see that, Doctor?

JEKYLL: Of course I did - I’m standing right next to you!

MOLLY: He’s going to make an evil army.

JEKYLL: (peeved) Yes, I saw that too!

JEKYLL: Now, he’s only got a limited supply of potion - he must have watered it down! (To audience)
Okay, Okay, I can’t say that about the Golden Ferret, that’s libellous! …….That witty anecdote
gives me an idea for a nifty antidote. Come on!

SONG : THE BIRDY SONG.

(JEKYLL mixes the potions up, from bottles, and passes them to MOLLY who passes the antidote to the
slaves down the line. As each victim takes a sip, they commence the dance to each round of the Birdy
Song).

31
HYDE: No Go-Go dancing here, this not City Hotel! Why you move when Hyde say no! ….Hypnotised
slaves – Walk this way! (They continue to act bizarrely as Hyde screams/sings)I said Walk this
way!! (Hyde walks off and the Slaves all move off stage in a similar way, hiccuping)

JEKYLL: He doesn’t know they’ve taken my antidote! But that is a very strange side effect! We’ve got to
work at this together Molly! Be careful with this Molly, it seems to make people change their
personality (giving MOLLY a phial)

MOLLY: (Secretly tastes a tiny bit of the potion, she’s knocked back and whining) Hmmmm, Oh dear
me! I wish I would be a little more free and easy! I hope it works! (more whining)

JEKYLL: (To audience) Stop whining...and mulling it over! ...Now that is a mulled whine! And she’s sober!
…I think!

MOLLY: (tasting a little more of it, she gets drunker and she starts singing) It’s not the lime and coconut,
but I’ll drink it all up! …….and I know, it isn’t rum and coke, but I like it, I like it, yes I do!

JEKYLL: (Shocked that Molly has had a sip, he snatches it from her and smells it) Molly, you shouldn’t be
drinking this stuff, you aren’t under hypnosis! You may be 21 but its vital ingredient is plonk from
the 12 Dirham shelf at the local liquor store, it’s 10 week old Indian whisky and it’s 70 percent
proof!
(MOLLY starts to go dizzy and behaves drunkenly).
MOLLY: (drunkenly) I may be under the affluence of inkohol, but I’ve got proof of my age Doctor, and I’ll
improof ‘ with age, if Jacques will let me consent! (To audience) I like Indian booze! Can you give
me some boos? Hyde and Matron get all the boos in this Pantomime, but I’m changing too. I want
to let the Djin out the bottle, (Drunkenly approaches the audience) (Sitting down) Oh dear, I’m
feeling a little queer! My heart…the thought of Jacques makes it beat so fast. What’s wrong
Doctor?

JEKYLL: (Waiting somewhat impatiently) Molly, the show must go on! (To audience) Actors, …when they
turn to booze they’re so dramatic!! (He starts inspecting Molly with his stethoscope while she
moves around him)

Song: GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME

MOLLY: Oh doctor, I'm in trouble.

JEKYLL: Well, goodness gracious me.

MOLLY: For every time a certain man is standing next to me.

JEKYLL: Mmm?

MOLLY: A flush comes to my face and my pulse begins to race,

It goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom,

JEKYLL: Oh!

MOLLY: Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom

JEKYLL: Well, goodness gracious me.

How often does this happen?
32
 When did the trouble start?
You see, my stethoscope is bobbing
To the throbbing of your heart.

MOLLY: What kind of man is he to create this allergy?

It goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom,

JEKYLL: Oh!

MOLLY: Boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom

JEKYLL: Well, goodness gracious me.

MOLLY: I want my Jacques, and I want him NOW!

(MOLLY runs off stage closely followed by JEKYLL)

(HYDE appears with Zombies still copying his every move, followed by MATRON, SMASH and GRAB)
HYDE: I said walk this way, Talk this way!
(and all the zombies copy his voice)

ZOMBIES: Talk this way

MATRON: Shutttuuuppp! Hyde! Jekyll has escaped with the help of that Molly!

HYDE: (blows his top) I said …..Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

MATRON: I said Jekyll and Molly have escaped.

HYDE: Sorry! Could not hear ‘cos me shouting. They ruin experiment. Find them!

SMASH: (On spotting Molly) Molly!

GRAB: (On spotting Jekyll) Jekyll!

JEKYLL: Molly, a single shot wasn’t enough, they all need doubles!

BENNY HILL CHASE MUSIC

(JEKYLL gives each Zombie another shot. MOLLY holds onto hers.. MATRON starts to turn into a
chicken; clucking, scratching the ground, etc. The Zombies flap around confused.
ART -SCENE 14B (1 THEN 2) CHASE ANIMATIONS SEQUENCE
THEN CAST CROSS STAGE R TO L
(THEN 3 THEN 4)
THEN CAST CROSS STAGE L TO R
(THEN 5 THEN 6)
THEN CAST CROSS STAGE BOTH DIRECTIONS
(THEN 7 THEN 8) WITH EXPLOSION (ALL WITH CHASE MUSIC)
SMASH and GRAB eventually capture JEKYLL. HYDE confronts JEKYLL whilst clutching a paper and
pen.

HYDE: Me consult my checklist. Jekyll failed, yes. Jekyll captured, yes. Jekyll make new machine, yes?
(HYDE slaps JEKYLL round the face but screams in pain himself. He holds a hand up to his own cheek
and they both look puzzled).

MATRON: Buck, Buck. Buck, Buck, Buck! Five bucks for you chickens if you capture her!
(MOLLY hesitates - and then holds up her anecdote. HYDE just laughs at her).

HYDE: Me made by the potion - so me is immune.

33
 MOLLY: You’ve already got a double – this is for me! (She knocks it back and dances off singing)
Where is Jacques, Where is Jacques, I want you, I want you, take me to the cleaners, take me to
the cleaners, Bing, Bang, Bong, Bing, Bang, Bong.
(SMASH and GRAB run off after MOLLY. MATRON takes control of JEKYLL and leads him off followed
by Hyde with Zombies in tow)

SCENE FIFTEEN:
ART - SCENE 15 (2 ) OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL
OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL
(LULU enters followed by JACQUES).

JACQUES: Ma mere, why ‘ave we returned to the RAK and Ruin ‘orsepital?

LULU: There’s something funny going on here. (To audience) Although maybe they should be the judge
of that!
(SHEERLUCK – with some sweets in his pocket, and WATSON arrive).
ART - SCENE 15 (2) PAN DOWN - OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL
SHEERLUCK: (to the audience) Afternoon, all.

WATSON: (Tugs his sleeve and points to the sky) S,S,S, S, S, S, S, sir it’s m,m,m,m,m,m..evening!

SHEERLUCK: Evening all! I’m looking for my fiancée but she seems to have eloped on her own.

(Mr ICKY runs on)

MR ICKY: Inspector Jones – Dr Jekyll has gone too far!

SHEERLUCK: Where did he go?

MR ICKY: He’s closed the hospital! He was trying to kill me. I told him I was having trouble with my
breathing.

SHEERLUCK: What did he say?

MR ICKY: He said “I'll soon put a stop to that!”.(drum beat)

(MR ICKY leaves. SHEERLUCK investigates the doors with his magnifying glass, and spots LULU – with
some sweets in her handbag, who to tries to evade his stare. SHEERLUCK recognises her)

SHEERLUCK: The Abyss of Abu Dhabi! Why didn’t you come back to me as promised, my podgy
pomegranate?

LULU: I wanted to get us some sweets for this sweet scene. So Inspector, (getting out a Twix bar) how’s
twix with you?

SHEERLUCK: Er, bon. Bon! (Getting out a bag of Hersheys) I love Her…she bar none.

WATSON: (To audience) Yuk!!!! I f,f,f,f, feel s,s,s,s,sick, I w,w,w,w,w,want to thr, thr, thr, throw
u,u,u,u……(pointing at Lulu)

LULU: (To Watson) Pick up a Penguin Policeman, you know where to put it! (To Jones)…And I’m very
fondant of you. (to audience) Well, it takes allsorts.

SHEERLUCK: Hang on a mint. You’re not just creme egging me on?

34
LULU: Only after eight! How could I deceive a smartie like you. I’d like to undo your buttons and run
my chocolate fingers through your curly wurlies! (to the audience) Lets just say I want to get
inside his snickers!

SHEERLUCK: Forgive me, your Abscess - duty calls. (Feeling queasy) All that talk of chocolate gives
me the runs!

WATSON: Y,y,y,y,y,y,you n,n,n,need an en,en,en,ene,enem ent, ent, ent

SHEERLUCK? Enema entry dear Watson? Sounds painful to me! I’ll just cut the sweet talk! Where’s the
Gents?
(SHEERLUCK kisses her hand and rushes off with WATSON).

JACQUES: Look!
(MOLLY appears and runs to JACQUES).

MOLLY: Jacques! Thank goodness you’re all right. I was so frightened. (to audience) And I’m so hung
over! And so will you lot be by tomorrow morning!

LULU: Ahem! I think you owe us an apology, young lady.

JACQUES: (embarrassed) Mama, Non, non, non!

MOLLY: No, she’s right. I thought you were just rotten Romeo - but I‘ve changed. And now I have seen
(to audience) and tasted….true evil.

LULU: Oi! My make up may be a bit smeared but it’s not that bad!

MOLLY: Somehow Doctor Jekyll has released an evil version of himself from inside his own body.

LULU: He’s an enema of the people! It sounds painful! He ought to see a Doctor about that!

JACQUES: And you mon petit peux, ‘ave you been through ‘ell and ‘igh water?

MOLLY: Oh Jacques, I’ve had it up to here (to audience) and it tasted soooo good!……The Doctor is
being forced to build a new Essence Distillation Engine so Hyde can make more potions.

LULU: Well, he is the Edison of Medicine. I knew it would all go wrong. He’s been a Hippocratic oaf!

MOLLY: We must rescue the Doctor and all the innocent people in the hospital.

JACQUES: But ‘ow? Ze orsepital’s door’s locked. We cannot get into ze rurm?

MOLLY: The rurm? What is the rurm? Inspector Clouseau isn’t investigating this case you know! It’s a
rrrroooom not a rurm!

LULU: Ah Jacques, just like his father, he never could twist his tongue around those rhotic r’s.

MOLLY: Look , if we are strong if we work together - we could team up. To the Library - I can teach you
what you need to know there. Together we can defeat Hyde.

JACQUES: Togezer we can make ze earth move if we can find the hole!
(They all run off with purpose)

SCENE SIXTEEN:
ART - SCENE 16 (2) PAN DOWN TO HYDE’S LAIR ANIMATION
HYDE’S LAIR

35
(HYDE’s lair now contains a half built big machine. JEKYLL is working on a component. A bored HYDE
watches over him).

HYDE: Work faster. Me bored!

JEKYLL: And I’m boring...a big hole! Could you pass me a reticular microflange?

HYDE: Do it yourself. You prisoner!

JEKYLL: Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?

HYDE: (deliberately) Me don’t know and me don’t care.

JEKYLL: (interested) Hmmm, this machine is beyond your understanding, isn’t it? (To audience) He
should have enrolled on the HCT Mechatronics course, then he’d know it all!

HYDE: Histrionics? me don’t know what you mean! Work faster!

JEKYLL: (mildly irritated) Stop bothering me and I will.

(Quiet moment as JEKYLL works and HYDE gets bored again. He acts like a child, kicking the ground,
etc).

HYDE: Me help?

JEKYLL: What?

HYDE: Can me help you? Me be good. Promise!

JEKYLL: You can’t be good. All the good is in me, all the bad in you. That is how we are linked.

HYDE: (angry) Me not linked to you. We are different. Different.

JEKYLL: Suit yourself.

(JEKYLL resumes his tinkering. He has his right hand inside the machine as it sparks).
FX: FZZT!

JEKYLL and HYDE (together): Ow!

(They both shake their right hands as if burnt, rub it, blow on their fingers as they face out to the
audience, not realising they are identical. JEKYLL sees HYDE is hurt).

JEKYLL: Here. Let me!

(JEKYLL takes HYDE’s hand tenderly. It is a sweet moment).

HYDE: (quietly) Thank you.

(MATRON storms in).

MATRON: (sarcastic) What a touching scene. (angry) What is going on here? Buck, buck, buck, dratted
potion! Next you’ll give him a peck on the cheek!

HYDE: (hangdog) Doctor make finger better.

MATRON: So I see. (points at JEKYLL) He’s our slave. Treat him like one. (to JEKYLL) Get this machine
working. Buck buck, buck,. rotten potion! (MATRON slaps him on the left cheek)

JEKYLL and HYDE (together, and holding their left cheeks): Ow!!!

MATRON: We need that machine in an hour. See to it, Hyde.

36
HYDE: (suddenly asserting himself) Me in charge of hospital, me in charge of you. Me trust no-one. Not
even you.

JEKYLL: I will need that microflange - it’s in the storeroom

HYDE: Me go with you so no tricks. Matron! You in charge ‘til me get back.
(HYDE escorts JEKYLL off stage).

SCENE SEVENTEEN:
ART - SCENE 17a (2) THE LIBRARY
THE LIBRARY
(Library with signs saying “Ssshhhh! By order”. JACQUES sits at a table other patients sit around)
(MOLLY and LULU enter with a pile of books)

LULU: You make me wanna shout!. (audience respond) .

LIBRARY USERS: Shhhh!

LULU: Sorry!

JACQUES: Bonjour boys and Girls! (audience respond)

LIBRARY USERS: Shhhh!

JACQUES: Sorry!

MOLLY: Lulu, Jacques is doing so well - and I think, well, I think….

JACQUES: Molly’s trying to tell you we love each other. She can’t pluck up ze, ‘ow you say, courage!

LULU: Well, you tell your old mum about it whilst I sort out these books.
(LULU studies the books and hands them to JACQUES during the conversation).

MOLLY: (To audience) This will give me the Dutch courage I need!…..Just one more for the road(To
Jacques and Lulu) It’s hot in here…I’m just gong to get some water! (She wanders of, taking nips
of the antidote).

JACQUES: Zank heaven’s I am in lurve! Molly is so beautiful - I sink she’s an absolute…

LULU: Trollope.

JACQUES: …angel. And she’s so clever too. When we first met, she used laugh at my…

LULU: Longfellow.

JACQUES: …ignorance. She used to think I should be

37
LULU: Beeton.

JACQUES: …talking to someone else. But now we love each other - so she no longer thinks that all I
want is lots of …

LULU: Rowling.

JACQUES: ….opportunities to play jokes. Mama, your jokes show you are well read!

LULU: And your jokes are well blue! (drum beat)..and I can read you like a book Jacques le lad….. Isn’t
Molly just a little too innocent for you?

LIBRARY USERS: Shhhh!

LULU: Shhh yourselves!

(The Patients get increasingly impatient with their shhoooshes)

MOLLY: (Appearing drunk again and very flirtatious) I’m not so innocent any more!

LULU: So you did get her into trouble after all!

JACQUES: Non Mama! I ‘aven’t laid a ‘and on ‘er. Zis isn’t ze Molly I know!

MOLLY:Prim and proper, the girl who’s never been kissed. But I’m tired of being pure, and not chased.
Like something that’s seeks its level I want to go to the devil.
ART - SCENE 17a (3) CITY VIEW
(Choreographed routine with Jacques and Molly)

SONG: I WANNA BE EVIL. (1.50)

I wanna be evil, I wanna spit tacks
I wanna be evil, and cheat at jacks
I wanna be wicked, I wanna tell lies
I wanna be mean, and throw mud pies

I want to wake up in the morning

with that dark brown taste
I want to see some dissipation in my face
I wanna be evil, I wanna be mad
But more that that I wanna be bad

I wanna be evil, and trump an ace,

Just to see my partner's face.
I wanna be nasty, I wanna be cruel
I wanna be daring, I wanna shoot pool

And in the theatre

I want to change my seat
Just so I can step on
Everybody's feet

I wanna be evil, I wanna hurt flies

I wanna sing songs like the guy who cries
I wanna be horrid, I wanna drink booze
And whatever I've got I'm eager to lose

I wanna be evil, little evil me

Just as mean and evil as I can be

38
(She attempts to kiss Jacques)
ART - SCENE 17a (4) CITY FIREWORKS ….THEN (5) BACK TO THE LIBRARY
JACQUES: Oo la la mon cherie Molly…What ‘appened to modest Molly O’Loan?

LIBRARY USERS: Shhhhhhhh!

MOLLY: Oh schhhhhhhhhhhhhmolly, melancholy Molly, just give me this dolly the Bolly!

LULU: (Singing) Good Golly Miss Molly, you’ve had too much of the Bolly already! It’s time you sobered
up and kept your hands off my innocent little lad, he’s pure as the driven snow, he is!

LIBRARY USERS: Shhhhhhhh!

SCENE EIGHTEEN:
ART - SCENE 18 (1 PAUSE THEN 2) OUTSIDE HOSPITAL THEN PAN TO FIELDS - ANIMATION
OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL
(LULU, MOLLY and JACQUES walking away on the spot).
LULU: You make me wanna shout!. (audience react)
JACQUES: Merde, is zis some kind of oedipal competition? Bonjour Boys and Girls! (audience react)
…..Come on now, vite, vite!! Now I want this half of the audience to shout my response.

LULU: No contest! I want this half of the audience to shout my response! (They both try to get a bigger
response from the audience)
ART - SCENE 18 (3) DAY TO NIGHT - ANIMATION
LULU: This ladies for the turning! Let’s go home!

JACQUES: But this is our home!

ART - SCENE 18 (4) NIGHT - FAIRIES IN SKY - ANIMATION
LULU: D’oh! Well, lets just turn around then. (She spins on the spot) Oh, that makes me go all dizzy!

MOLLY: I know what you mean, my heads still spinning from the potion!
ART - SCENE 18 (5 THEN 6) NIGHT - FAIRIES FLY AWAY-ANIMATION
LULU: You took an anecdote? No wonder you wouldn’t stop going on with your stories!
ART - SCENE 18 (7) PAN TO HOSPITAL, THEN COAL HOLE - ANIMATION
MOLLY: Look, we aren’t on the Guest List so we can’t get in! We could go up the coal hole, but that’s too
small for you.

LULU: Cheek!
ART - SCENE 18 (105) OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL
(SMASH and GRAB by doors)
JACQUES: Zis is my department. Just copy me. I am going to rurn into the rurm.
(They stand at one side. JACQUES runs to the door, knocks and runs off the other side of the stage. The
doors open and SMASH and GRAB come out, theatrically looking around stage front. JACQUES creeps
back behind them and goes through the doors).

SMASH: Who goes there?

GRAB: It’s me

SMASH: Oh, that’s all right then!

(The whole action is repeated for MOLLY and LULU except they close the door after them, leaving
SMASH and GRAB locked out.)
SMASH: Who goes there?

GRAB: It’s me again

39
SMASH: Oh, that’s all right then!

GRAB: (Looking to the arrival of the Police) Look out, it’s the wrong arm of the law!
(SMASH and GRAB run off. SHEERLUCK and WATSON arrive).

SHEERLUCK: The hospital’s still closed. Someone’s taken a sicky….they’re always off sick at the
hospital. I’m going to investigate. (He knocks on the door) Knock knock!

LULU: (off) Who’s there?

SHEERLUCK: Police!

LULU: (off) Police who?

SHEERLUCK: Police let us in, or I’ll have to get a warrant. (He keeps knocking with his fist). What it
needs is a bell!

WATSON: I’m n,n,n,n, not Isabel! It needs a b,b,b,b,b,big, big kno,kno,kno,knock,knock…..

(LULU opens the door while Jones continues to knock, while looking at Watson …now on Lulu’s chest)

SHEERLUCK: Knockers! (shocked) I’ve got to get more abreast of this plot!…(he sees what he is doing)
The Great Abundance of Abu Dhabi!

LULU: Caught by the Fuzz again! I’ve just got to get this Inspector off my chest! (removes Sheerluck’s
hand and runs off)
(SHEERLUCK and WATSON chase after her. SMASH and GRAB return and enter the hospital, closing
the doors behind them. LULU returns - only to find the doors closed. She knocks and hides and SMASH
and GRAB come out).

SMASH: Not again!

GRAB: Don’t answer any more knock knocks!

SMASH: Who’s there?

(LULU creeps behind them laughing and stays behind them as they turn, thinking she is outwitting them.
They do a full circle and then another half circle in the other direction so they are looking through the
doors back into the hospital. LULU is winking at the audience as SMASH and GRAB go in and lock the
doors! She continues the half circle and double takes at the locked doors. She knocks again and nothing
happens).
LULU: I’ve got to get in there somehow and the only way is that filthy old coal hole - but I’ll never get
through it unless I take this dress off. What shall I do, boys and girls?
STRIPPER MUSIC
(As LULU strips down to some bizarre underwear then climbs through the Cole Hole) The things a girl
has to do for show business! I hope I don’t meet any Chilean miners on the way out of this hole. This
show is certainly not for minors, and I’m too hot to be in Chile!

SCENE NINETEEN:
ART - SCENE 19 (1 THEN 2) COAL HOLE THEN PAN DOWN TO HYDE’S LAIR ANIMATION
HYDE’S LAIR
(The Essence Distillation Engine is completed. JEKYLL is rubbing his hands with a cloth as HYDE and
MATRON watch).
MATRON: Are we nearly there yet? (To audience) You lot are getting a bit shifty…We don’t want a
revolting audience!…We really are nearly there, so hold onto your hollyhocks!
JEKYLL: All done! This is a fully working Essence Distillation Engine (gives HYDE a huge book) And
this is the manual. Would you like a Carrefour extended warranty for another 1000 Dirhams?

40
HYDE: Me make zombie army. Me will start with you (he points at the audience who should boo him).
Now test machine.
(HYDE and MATRON check the machine controls. JEKYLL sits dejectedly on one side. JACQUES and
MOLLY arrive unseen at the side of the stage and observe).
ART - SCENE 19 (3) MACHINE STARTS
FX: MACHINE NOISES

JACQUES: (distressed) Merde! Where is Mama? She must be stuck up ze hole wiz those Chilean
Miners!

MOLLY: We need a hacker.

JACQUES: Non, we can’t use an ‘acker, she’s sore enough already!

MOLLY: No silly, not a hack saw! We need a computer hacker!

JACQUES: You’re ze one with ze brains, princess! Start ‘acking!

(HYDE and MATRON have now moved away from the machine and are inspecting the chemicals.
MOLLY creeps to the machine and JACQUES reluctantly follows, hoping not to be noticed. They start
pushing buttons and pulling levers).

HYDE: (examining potion) This is pure. (gives it to MATRON) Make more, make more!
(HYDE and MATRON suddenly spot JACQUES and MOLLY and approach them).

HYDE: What are you doing here?

JACQUES: We’re just booting up! (JACQUES kicks HYDE up the rear)

MOLLY: And your Monitor’s on the blink! (MOLLY slaps MATRON on the head with a hammer)

MATRON: Cursor! That was in downloading you! You’ve betrayed your own virtual motherboard, you
wireless little mouse! It megahertz me, buck, but you’ve made a fatal error! Nothing can stop us
now! The hour of my triumph is here. (to JEKYLL) Doctor Jekyll, Buck, I’m terminating your
employment - forever. Buck, Buck (to HYDE) Hyde, kill him. Buck, Buck, Buck!

HYDE: You Buck Chicken, I’m the Big Mac now!

MATRON: Oh yes? Prove it. Kill him, Hyde! (taunting) If you buck, can.

HYDE: Me can do anything.

(HYDE slaps JEKYLL to prove it and yelps with pain and rubs his own cheek).

HYDE: Why does that keep happening?

JEKYLL: We are still linked. Anything that happens to me happens also to you!

MATRON: Kill him.

HYDE: Me cannot. Me cannot.

MATRON: Then I shall.

41
HYDE: But that kill me too.

MATRON: And what good are you?

HYDE: Me Hyde. Me am your master!

MATRON: No longer.

MATRON slaps HYDE and again both he and JEKYLL rub their faces.

JEKYLL: (suddenly roused) I cannot let you do this.

(JEKYLL runs to the Engine and climbs in).

MOLLY: Doctor Jekyll. No! (to the others) The machine will kill him

HYDE: (screaming) No!

MATRON: You had your chance, ugly.

(MATRON shoves HYDE into the machine too.).
ART - SCENE 19 (4) MACHINE SECURITY OVERRIDE
WHEN OVERRIDE COMPLETE (5) START MACHINE AGAIN
MATRON: The machine will destroy you both. One pull of this lever and the world is mine.
(Suddenly, LULU in her underwear appears with a Tarzan like call).

LULU: (at MATRON) Me Tarzan. You plain.

(MOLLY grabs JACQUES’s bag of jokes and angrily launches herself at MATRON).

MOLLY: Stop it, you horrible woman.

(They tussle. MOLLY hits MATRON with a rubber chicken) Take that Mother Goose!

(She blows a whoopee cushion in her face)

MOLLY: You’re just a load of hot, smelly air!

(She uses the hand buzzer over and over).

FX: HAND BUZZER OVER AND OVER
(MATRON bucks with each buzz but manages to get to the engine controls and pull the lever).
MOLLY: Buzz off you fowl fem fatale!
FX: ENGINE SLOWLY GRINDS TO LIFE
(LULU and JACQUES fiddle with the engine. JACQUES tries the entrance of the machine).

MATRON: (Holding the book) Buck, Buck, Buck, Buck,

LULU: Jacques, what’s she trying to say?

JACQUES: I ‘ave no idea, I don’t speak Chicken language, I’m, ‘ow you say, …. a Frog!

LULU: Of course you’re a frog? So what do frogs say, like when a chicken goes ‘buck’

JACQUES: When ze chicken says Book, Book, Book I say...(Frog like) Reddit! Reddit! Reddit!

LULU: Jacques, you’re not as stupid as I look, so Red It! Read it! Read I.T.!
(JACQUES, struck with inspiration, reads the manual).

42
JACQUES: Congratulations on assembling the patented Jekyll Essence Distillation Engine. We are sure
that this will afford you many happy trouble free years of operation. And it’s in 18 languages!
(cross) Oh, where’s the index?
(SHEERLUCK and WATSON arrive).
ART - SCENE 19 (6) MACHINE STOPS
SHEERLUCK: (with authority) Nobody move.
(Everybody stands stock still and looks at him).

SOUND FX – COMPUTER BOOTING UP

SHEERLUCK: (Listening intently) Was that the PC?

WATSON: I am qu, qu, qu, qu, qu, quiet as a m, m,m ,m ,mouse sir!

SHEERLUCK (unsure what to do next). Everyone’s broken down! As you were!

(Everyone carries on as before. SHEERLUCK and WATSON dither. MOLLY tries to grab MATRON’S
freshly made potion but fails. MATRON stands triumphantly over MOLLY. At the same time, JACQUES is
still reading the book).

MATRON: With this potion I will be bucksome, buckall, buckpower, bucketful, buckaroo!!.

MOLLY: Don’t do it. Look what it did to Doctor Jekyll.

MATRON: It made him stronger, if only he’d seen buck it. It will do the same for me. Your starbuck end is
Buckingham nigh.
(MATRON drinks the potion. She starts to choke on it and staggers off stage).

LULU: I thought machines always crashed at moments like this.

JACQUES: This book must help…………………….Here we are.

(JACQUES fiddles with some buttons and pulls the lever again).
ART - SCENE 19 (7) MACHINE STARTS UP AGAIN
FX: MECHANICAL GROANING/SCREECHING RISING TO CRESCENDO

JACQUES: (urgent) Look out - it’s going to blow!

(SHEERLUCK and WATSON run towards each other from opposite sides of the stage and knock each
other over. Everyone else throws themselves on the floor. Smoke pours from the machine (Smoke
Machine and strobe machine) and it explodes

ART - SCENE 19 (8) MACHINE EXPLODES

FX: EXPLOSION
Short pause as dust settles. Some real planks collapse at the side of the stage. MOLLY goes to the
machine and starts to weep. JACQUES goes over to her).

JACQUES: Non, Don’t cry, Molly.

MOLLY: I’m crying for Doctor Jekyll.

FX: KNOCKING
LULU: Come in!…Not that again!

MOLLY: (amazed) It’s coming from what’s left of the Engine.

LULU: Come out!

43
(A vacant JEKYLL staggers out of the planks. MOLLY runs to him and hugs him).

JEKYLL: Who are you and where am I?

MOLLY: He’s lost his memory.

JEKYLL: There’s a medical word for that - but I can’t remember what it is.

MOLLY: How could he survive?

JACQUES: I used the manual to put the machine into reverse.

SHEERLUCK: Where is Hyde?

MOLLY: Gone forever. The reversed machine combined them, so Jekyll and Hyde are united again.

LULU: (Chanting) United! United! United!

JACQUES: Molly, you saved ze day through a practical joke?

MOLLY: And you saved Doctor Jekyll’s life through reading a book?

JACQUES: We’ve learned from each other. We could carry on learning, if you wanted. Molly….me I ‘ave
your ‘and in marriage mon cherie?

MOLLY: Oi!
(JACQUES stoops to kiss her hand and it proves to be a fake one. MOLLY laughs and they embrace).

JACQUES: Now for our ‘oneymoon, where would you like to go my leetle mermaid? Anywhere you want!

MOLLY: (Singing) I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty, I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! But who cares? No big deal, I want more

JACQUES: So where shall we go, Paris, City of love? London, City of Culture? Dubai, City of Hope?

MOLLY: No, I want to see a world with no pollution, a world where penguins can frolic, free from the fear
of global warming!

JACQUES: I know what, you want to go to Iceland!

MOLLY: But isn’t that an English Supermarket?

JACQUES: Non!

MOLLY: Isn’t that the place that created all this ash in the air? That’s not environmentally friendly?

JACQUES: Non, Non!

MOLLY: So where is this wonderful place with no carbon footprint?

JACQUES: Iceland’s in Ras Al Khaimah!

MOLLY: Wonderful!!!!

SHEERLUCK: You are the Abyssmal of Abu Dhabi - and my fiancée, are you not?

LULU: Er, Inspector. I think there’s something you need to know about me (to audience) I feel like a
completely different person, but I suppose a copper’s better than none! (to Sheerluck) Copper

44
 look at me dear! Now, looking at my er…gender, I’m not the woman I seem at all, and I am not
the Abyss of Abu Dhabi. The only rolls I’ve got are in my kitchen…well…I have got one or two
around my tummy…one over the six pack I’m afraid!!

SHEERLUCK: I know, my sweet (to audience) posh cars, important titles and money don’t mean
anything do they children? You wouldn’t mind if your parents only gave you love for Christmas,
would you? (audience react) Mrs Lather, will you marry me?

LULU: Yes, of course! And you can start by fixing that washing machine. (to SHEERLUCK) Come on,
lover, I want to show you my equipment.
(SHEERLUCK and LULU embrace).

LULU: And now we must help Doctor Jekyll get his memory back, or I haven’t got a job! …Look into my
eyes, look into my eyes, look into my eyes!
(JEKYLL continues to look vacant)

MOLLY: It didn’t work. What if we asked the audience to help?

LULU: That’s a good idea. We’ve had to do all the work so far! So now everyone, it’s audience
participation time!!!
ART - SCENE 19 (9) SONG SCRIPT – BRING BACK MY MEMORY TO ME
MOLLY: When you hear a word starting with ‘M’ we want you to sit down

SHEERLUCK: And when you hear another word starting with ‘M’ you stand up again, and so on..okay?

SONG: BRING BACK MY MEMORY TO ME (Words on screen)

(All audience)
When Memory seems to be missing
You mustn’t start moaning or bawl
The medicine’s here if you listen
Unless you’ve forgotten it all.

Bring Back, Bring Back, Bring back my memory to me, to me

Bring Back, Bring Back, Bring back my memory to me.

LULU: (Looking at Jekyll) It’s still not working! Jekyll’s still asleep! This half stand up, then sit down next
time you hear M and then stand again!

JACQUES: And this half is my side. You stay sat doen and stand up when you hear an M etc, etc, etc,
Okay!

MOLLY: Let’s try that again! And this time, even louder!

(All audience)
When Memory seems to be missing
You mustn’t start moaning or bawl
The medicine’s here if you listen
Unless you’ve forgotten it all.

Bring Back, Bring Back, Bring back my memory to me, to me

Bring Back, Bring Back, Bring back my memory to me.
ART - SCENE 19 (10) SONG PULLS OUT, RETURN TO FOYER
45
(Jekyll begins to revive, but still flops around a bit)
LULU: Doctor, Doctor, I hope my fiancé doesn’t mind, but, I’ll have to give him the kiss of life!

(JEKYLL suddenly comes to)

JEKYLL: I had another terrible dream! I dreamed a blubbery whale was attacking me!

LULU: Everything’s nearly back to normal then! And here comes Matron! (Matron appears) Let’s hope
she’s bucked her ideas up too!

JEKYLL: Yes, and we have all learned that we have it within us to be anything that we want –haven’t we
children!… and that the decision on how we use our skills and talents lies with us all. et cetera et
cetera. (To audience) And I’ve even tried telling my students that! (The Ickys appear….nervously)
Oh no! They’re back as well!

MR ICKY: Where have you been, Doctor? I feel I’ve been miles away…I keep thinking that I’m an
aeroplane.

JEKYLL: You’ve got one hell of an altitude problem. Mr Icky. I can’t cure your real ailment, which is
Hypochondria, but you have it within you to do it sport.

MR ICKY: Talking of sport Doctor, people keep thinking I’m a cricket ball!

JEKYLL: Howzat?

MRS ICKY: Don’t you start! After all this time at the hospital, my husband’s taken a turn for the nurse!…
But look what I’ve got! (She snaps her fingers and Smash and Grab wheel on a pram)…It’s a little Master
ICKY!
FX: BABY SPLUTTERING, CRYING, FARTING:
He takes after his father, doesn’t he! Nurses, snap out of it…I need some help!!

LULU: The nurses! Doctor, we can’t play Doctors without our nurses, I think they’ve gone on strike!

MATRON: I’m a changed woman now (Too audience) And thank the Lord, I’ll be a changed man once
this show is over...this bra belongs to my wife and it’s killing me!

LULU. Mine too! I’m just dying to get my wife’s bra off later!! .....Nurses! Nurses!

JEKYLL: The only cure is to shout… the audience will have to bring the roof down - if only we had one.

LULU: (To audience) So let’s every body shout out our closing number and let’s get you all up and
moving….’cause it’s time you lot went home!!
ART - SCENE 19 (11) PAN OUT FROM HOSPITAL TO PARK - ANIMATION
MUSIC: SHOUT.
(As the song is sung, all the cast come forward singing, taking bows in turn)

Well, you know you make me wanna'

(Shout) Kick my heels up and
(Shout) Throw my hands up and
(Shout) Throw my head back and
(Shout) Come on now
(Shout) Don't forget to say you will

Don't forget to say yeah x5

(Say you will) Say it right now, baby
(Say you will) Come on, come on
(Say you will) Say that you
(Say you will) Say that you love me
(Say) Say that you need me

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(Say) Say that you want me
Say) Don't ever leave me

(Say) Come on now x3

(FADE as show ends)

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