101 Ways to Love

Your Wife

Many husbands would like to know 101 ways to love their wife.
Many just want a few things they could do that would communicate
just how much they love their wives.
Based on our discussions with women, we know what they are
hoping for, and it is attention and affection from their husbands.
A wife’s greatest sorrow is feeling invisible and alone.
And Dr. John Gottman’s research (the guy that predicts divorce with
91% accuracy after spending less than 5 minutes with a couple)
shows that in 81% of self-destructing couples (those that divorce) the
MAN determined the outcome. 65% of the time, he did not search for
underlying communication from his wife, but instead responded with
a knee-jerk reaction of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or
stonewalling.
These couples divorced.
And since over 60% of divorces are filed by the wife, it is wise of you
to stop by here and start doing your best to love your wife well.
Most of the husbands of the wives who do The Respect Dare or take
Daughters of Sarah® tell us the same thing: “I am inspired to be a
better man because of what she has learned to do for me.”
Are you interested in 101 ways to show love to your wife?
For the husband who is asking, “What can I do to show love to my
wife?” in an effort to help, we have put together this list, derived
from wives whose husbands have begun demonstrating love more
effectively, and from some of the wives on our community page on

Facebook®. Feel free to add your own ideas if you like.

A note to women reading this: please do not send this page to your
husband unsolicited.
Research by Shaunti Feldhahn, in her book, For Women Only, shows
that men want romance, but often are uncertain as to how to go
about it. They also already feel insecure about their abilities. Please
do not add to your husband’s insecurities! And if you are a guy
reading this, I sincerely hope this list helps you connect more deeply
to the woman you married. I know your heart is in the right place.
And before anyone takes me to task for “teaching a man,” please
know that in the Bible, both Priscilla and Aquilla (a wife and her
husband) helped Apollos understand a text more accurately after
he preached it. I do not feel called to preach, by the way, so it is
easy for me to not engage in this dialogue. There is a ton of
controversy over it, but regardless of where you fit on the women
teaching topic, suffice it to say that a single page on a blog simply
does not equate to pulpit presentations and presiding over a
church. Acts 18:26 says about Apollos, “He began to speak boldly in
the synagogue, but when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took
him aside and explained to him the way of God more
accurately.” And for what it is worth, sometimes being a good friend
to your husband (“Phileo” love mentioned in Titus 2:3-4) means
helping him figure a few things out.
The newly-risen Jesus also gave specific communication instructions
to the women who saw Him first: “Go and tell the disciples what you
have seen,” and my pastor thinks it is fine for a chicka to be
blogging, even if it speaks to men. I know some of you will disagree,
and I’m okay with that. If you want to know whether I’m an
egalitarian or complementarian, check this post.
A last word or two of caution for wives: we do not encourage you to
read the list. It is fodder for discontent for you, if your husband is
generally unloving. Even if he IS somewhat loving, you may be
tempted to compare your husband to the mythical perfect
man…which does not exist outside of a Disney movie. So stop here,
ladies!

If you read the list anyway, please do not be offended by anything

you read. If you are different than the feedback we’ve received,
please share with us at information(at)GreaterImpact.org.
Also men, you will have trouble, as does anyone, trying to start a
new habit. Here’s a few resources for you to help with that:
Creating Identity-based Habits (make sure your identity is wrapped
up in Jesus Christ)
Starting New Habits
These are secular resources from James Clear, a behavioral
scientist. Please temper what he says with Biblical application.
If you are wanting to grow more as the man God created you to be,
you might wow both Him and your wife by joining or starting
a Stepping Up group from Family Life Ministries.
If you want to do something for your entire family, consider The
Family Project from Focus on the Family.
At any rate, below, I give you THE LIST with a brief explanation about
why it matters so much.
And if you prefer it in book form, you can get not 101 Ways, but 365
Ways to Love Your Wife here:
And if you are a husband in a YOUNG family – Here’s Leah Heffner’s
book:

And…Yes, there’s REALLY 365 – one per day for a whole year – in
both books. And yes, they’re different.
One last thing for husbands before the list… know that YOU and your
opinions matter deeply to your wife. And the opinion that matters
most to her is what you think of HER. She is wired differently than you
– she needs (often deeply needs) daily affirmation and re-affirmation
of her place in your heart. We know most men are fine with the “I
love you” spoken to you on your wedding day, but women simply
aren’t wired like that. We wonder, daily, whether you think we are
fat, pretty, smart, competent, and whether you are still in love with
us. Thirty years into our marriages, we STILL want to feel special to
you.
An anniversary card once a year just doesn’t communicate that.
In this day and age, more and more of the women we work with are
having online affairs that often evolve into physical encounters.
A smart husband will put some effort into keeping his wife feeling
precious to him – think of it like building a fence around the sanctity
of your marriage. Yes, it IS our sin if we stray, but you can do
something to make it easier for us to keep our hearts at home. Just
like your wife is not responsible for any pornography use of her
husband, she can make it easier for him to not sin in that regard by
staying fit and meeting her husband’s physical needs. Most of us
ladies do not understand that thing about guys, either, but those of
us who are wise are happy to keep you happy, whether we
understand it or not. Won’t you do the same for us, but in a different
area?
Ephesians 5:23 says,
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of
the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Our current culture
(even those within the church) describe “head” as “in charge of”
but that is not the only understanding of the word. In the original
Greek it means literal “head.” It is used in reference mostly to
decapitation and death. Yes, there is a hierarchy in marriage and
men are held accountable for the family (check Genesis 2:18-24
and Genesis 3), yes wives are to submit to and respect their
husbands – AND, you are called to “bring life” to your wife (as loss of
the head implies loss of life). Remember, her “submission” is a willing
placing under – you are not to force it. Nowhere in the bible does it
say she is to obey you. Understand this as well – she’ll more readily
stand by you, submit to you, respect you, and encourage you if you
are a man of integrity, honor, and serving as a leader, instead of
trying to dominate her.
Are you “bringing life” or death to your wife?
Your words and actions can do much in this area. Know too, that
according to 1 Peter 3:7 the effectiveness of your prayers is actually
at stake: Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with
consideration as the weaker partners and show them honor as fellow
heirs of the grace of life. In this way nothing will hinder your prayers.
Understand that if you are not living in compassion with your wife, not
loving her well, not honoring and respecting her, your prayers are
not effective.
Your wife has probably already told you what speaks deeply to her
heart. If you will but demonstrate love to her, removing her fears of
position in your heart or security, you will both represent Christ and
His church to the world.
5:28 In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own
bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 5:29 For no one has ever
hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ
also does the church, 5:30 for we are members of his body. 5:31 For
this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined
to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 5:32 This mystery is
great – but I am actually speaking with reference to Christ and the
church. 5:33 Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own
wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
101 Things A Husband Can Do to Show Love to His Wife:
1. Take your forefinger and brush her hair out of her eyes behind
her ear when listening to her. A gentle touch like this goes a
long way.
2. Gently rub the back of her neck or shoulders when seated next
to her, unless she does not like that.
3. Pay her a compliment daily about her character – women are
wired to evaluate the state of their relationships on a daily,
versus long-term, basis. Keep her confident in your care for her
by paying her a compliment once a day. Say something like, “I
was just admiring how you (insert something good here, like:
keep going after a long day, show such tenderness to our kids,
are so tidy in the kitchen, are so good with animals, are so
giving of your time, are so organized, balance so many things,
stay in such good shape, etc.) with so much on your plate. I
think you are amazing!” Or end with, “I love how well you love
us.”
4. Do a daily devotional somewhat consistently. She deeply
wants you to grow as a Christian man (this impacts her level of
trust in your decisions).
5. Let her know what God is teaching you once in a while.
6. Switch your daily devotional out for The Love Dare twice a year,
or better yet, sign up for the online app
here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/the-love-dare-40-
dares/id319125405?mt=8 or do one dare a week from the book
throughout the year. Repeat, changing things up just a bit to
keep it interesting.
7. Send a text message during the day – something like any of the
following:
 Just thinking about U.
 Can’t wait 2 C U tonight.
 Just daydreaming about U.

 Thinking about UR lovely face & U made me (leave

out the other body parts – it makes us feel more valuable
to not talk about those! Most women also like to be told
we are beautiful – and we deeply want to know that we
are attractive to YOU)
 It was smart of you to (insert last money saving thing she
did). Thank you!
 Looking forward to another one of your amazing dinners!

 Thinking about you… totally distracting me.

 Miss you. Like right now.

 I was remembering how we went (somewhere together
that she enjoyed). That still makes me :)!
  Can’t wait to give you a big kiss when I get home.
 XOXO !!
 Doing okay?
8. Leave her a voice mail when you know she is tied up or does
not have her phone, something romantic like, “I just wanted to
hear your voice.”
9. Pick up after yourself.
10. Clean out her car for her.
11. Invite her to do The Respect Dare and let her know YOU
will do The Love Dare at the same time – with another couple.
Then do it.
12. After one of the kids’ performances or report cards, tell or
text her, “I love how you pour yourself into our kids! Little Joey’s
play last night was an example of that. He did better because
you cheered him on.”
13. If she is working out or trying to eat right and exercise,
make sure you tell her how proud of her you are and how hard
you know it is.
14. Change the oil in her car, or do regular maintenance – it
makes her feel taken care of by you.
15. Lock up the house at night so she does not have to do it.
16. Tuck your kids into bed, even if she does it, too. Research
shows women view fathers who are involved with their children,
favorably.
17. If smoke or smells or noises bother her, protect her from
them – blow out the candle in another room, don’t wear heavy
cologne, don’t use heavy air fresheners in your car. Research
shows women have more sensitive senses of smell, sight, and
hearing than men.
18. Make time on a regular basis to be with just her.
19. Hold her hand in public.
20. Kiss her in public, if she is okay with that. If she’s not, just
put your arm around her waist. Chances are she will love others
knowing she is loved.
21. Pick up toys with the kids without being asked. She will
appreciate “help” and not think you think she can’t handle
things herself. She does not think like you do.
22. Pull her hair back from the nape of her neck and kiss her
there while she stands at the kitchen sink.
23. Ask her to teach you how to do your little girl’s hair.
24. Show her the photos you keep on your computer of your
family. If you don’t have any, add some, then show her. Use
one as a screen saver if you can.
25. Call her name from across the room, then tell her, “I just
wanted to see your lovely face.”
26. Bring her a little gift once a month or so – even a single
flower, her favorite candy bar, book, coffee, etc. and present it
to her in a sweet way (maybe holding the flower out to her and
saying, “This is nowhere near as pretty as you are, but it made
me think of you anyway.”).
27. Leave her a little note in her underwear drawer. Be classy
with whatever you write.
28. Hug her for no reason and with no motive every day. If
you only touch her when you want sex, she will feel used and
insignificant to you. When she feels like your treasure, your
precious gem, she will be delighted more often, and work
harder on her end of the relationship and her responsibilities.
She will also trust you more, which means she will be less
inhibited in the bedroom.
29. Avoid pornography and teach your sons to do the
same. If you are caught up in this, get free, or get help if you
can’t. She would feel betrayed if she knew you looked at other
women in any way.
30. Be proactive about taking care of work around the house,
the budget, and spending time with the family – every
week. Make it a habit.
31. Take her shopping and buy her a new outfit once in a
while – or give her a gift card for a store and one for a nearby
coffee shop for her and a friend, then watch the kids while she
goes.
32. Make sure she feels encouraged to update her
wardrobe – frugal women can get by on $100 a year for
clothes if they have a good quality base.
33. Take her on a moon light walk. Compliment her and listen
well. Hold her hand. Stop once in a while just to kiss her.
34. If she ever gets mad enough to walk out, go after her. Tell
her, “I can’t live without you. I’m sorry things escalated so
much – come back. Let’s talk through this.”
35. Hold her hand while you walk next to each other.
36. Make dinner once a week (or more if you love doing
that).
37. Bring her a cup of tea or coffee in the morning sometimes.
38. Ask her if she’ll do a devotion with you – even if it is an
online one and you do it separately and you just ask her, “What
did you get from today’s devotion?”
39. Meet her after work somewhere for an inexpensive dinner
once a week.
40. Stroke or brush her hair.
41. Take her hand at church during worship or prayer.
42. Open doors for her.
43. Notice when she has her arms full and say, “Here, let me
get this for you!”
44. Never go through a door first, or leave her behind you
when you go somewhere.
45. Help her with her coat.
46. Don’t conduct male body grooming sessions where she
can see, smell, or hear you.
47. Switch off the phone or ignore it when you are together.
48. Make eye contact with her when she is speaking to you.
49. Replay back to her what you think she said – especially if
she tells you she is hurting about something – especially if she
thinks it is your fault.
50. Say I’m sorry when you hurt her without explaining why
you did it or why it is her fault.
51. Hold her when she cries.
52. Take a Sunday school class with her.
53. Let her know verbally that she is any one of these things to
you: precious, a treasure, special, important, a gift, the best…
54. Hold her hand in the middle of the night.
55. Ask her how her day went and really listen, asking
questions.

56. Wink at her across a room or via text.

57. Deal with the kids one day a weekend, or get them ready
for school.
58. Be quiet when getting ready so she can get needed sleep
(women actually need more than men).
59. Let her get a nap.
60. Give her a kiss after holding her car door open for her.
61. Leave her a note if you leave before she does that just
tells her she’s special to you.
62. Smile at her. A lot.
63. Smile at your kids. A lot.
64. Gently but firmly stand up for her with your kids.
65. Don’t criticize her in front of the kids – it undermines her
authority.
66. There are some things that you will need to stand firm on –
be sure you have prayed about these things and let her know
this and that you feel led to make the decision. If you feel led
by God, do not give in to her.
67. Ask her to pray for you about what you are going through.
68. Ask her what she thinks – and really consider it, especially
when it comes to relationships and kids. She sees, hears, and
picks up on subtle cues more than you do – if you are both
average male and female, so says the research.
69. Rub her feet. Tell her you think she has beautiful toes. Feel
free to nibble on them, unless she does not like it.
70. Make a list of 30 little things you did while dating and put
them on your calendar each year to do again.
71. Pick her up off her feet and swing her around once in a
while.
72. Dance with her when there is no music. When she lets you
know this, tell her you always hear music when you are
together.
73. Take care of yourself physically by staying in (or getting
in) shape and seeing the doctor. She worries about your
health.
74. Get control of your anger, if you struggle with it. When she
is afraid of you, it destroys your relationship.
75. Ask her if you drink, if you drink too much. Then
listen. Take action if she says, “yes.”
76. Bring her chicken soup if she’s sick. Better yet, take the
day off if you can to let her sleep and you take care of her and
the kids.
77. Ask her to find you a highly rated book on being a better
dad or husband – then read it and implement what you read.
78. When she seems angry (does not mean she is, btw) and
says something sarcastic or hurtful or disrespectful to you,
gently take her hands in yours and say, “Honey, I know you
didn’t mean that. I can see you are hurting. Let’s talk about
this. I want to understand.”
79. Offer to take the baby when he is fussy or sick so she can
rest. Make sure you do not allow him to cry, or put him in front
of the tv, but rather interact with him.
80. Help her know how to teach you how to do baby care by
saying, “I’m not real good at this, but I want to learn. Can you
watch me do it and just coach me so I can practice?”
81. Tell or text to her that she is a good mom – and be specific
about something she did that brings that to light.
82. Tell or text to her that she is a good wife and that you’d be
lost without her.
83. Ask her if there’s anything you can do for her this
weekend.
84. Learn her love language (or ask her if you cannot figure it
out) and do a little research on how to show love to someone
who is that language. Make a list of 50 neat things you could
do for her – ask her for help if you need to.
85. Pray for and with her.
86. Nibble on her earlobe when you greet her while giving her
a hug.
87. Nuzzle her neck when hugging her.
88. Hug her from behind when she is standing at the sink or
changing table.
89. Carry the laundry baskets upstairs for her without being
asked.
90. Always thank her for making dinner and find something to
compliment about the meal.
91. Run your finger along her jawline, starting at her ear, brush
her lips, then down her neck to her collarbone, and stop at her
shoulder.
92. Using your finger, lift her head with her chin, and brush her
lips gently with yours.
93. Use breath mints frequently – and deodorant. Peppermint
oil on the tongue is an inexpensive long lasting solution, also.
94. Offer to drive the kids where they need to go on the
weekend.
95. Stare at her until she notices. When she asks you what
you are doing, say something like, “I just can’t get over how
gorgeous you are.”
96. Insist that she takes time to read a book, spend time with
her girlfriends, or whatever else fills her up.
97. Buy her a little jewelry item for no reason – unless she is
not into jewelry.
98. If she has a hobby, even one that does not include you,
get her a little gift that supports it.
99. If her shoes are scuffed, polish them for her without saying
anything. It might take her a little while to notice, especially if
she is a working busy mom.
100. When she complains, empathize. Saying, “Oh, I’m so
sorry! That must be hard for you. Is there anything I can do to
help?”
101. Take her out to dinner. After you are seated, make
extended eye contact with her. Say something like, “You are
the most stunning woman in the room tonight.”
102. Tell or text her, “I’m so glad you are our kids’ mom. You
really know them.”
103. Dip her backwards next time you kiss her.
104. Go to bed when she does. Don’t always watch tv, but
talk to her and even pray with her instead.
105. If she complains about herself, take her by the shoulders
and say something like, “Look at me. That’s not true. You are
lovely. You are worthy. You are highly valued by God and me.
No more lies.” Then kiss her gently.
106. Continue doing these things until they become
habits. Commit to continuing to grow as a husband and don’t
stop trying to communicate love to your wife. She needs it
daily. Like you need respect. Like you both need air.
107. And if in doubt, give her diamonds. Seriously, we love this
jeweler – he’s a Christian businessman you can trust. And no,
we don’t make any money by recommending him. He’s on our
board of directors and we trust him. Not kidding.
108. Get the book – You’ll get 365 days of instead of the 101 in the

title of this. (We like to over-deliver. It’s Jesus-like ).

And here’s ONE MORE: If she’s a leader, offer to send her to

our Deflating Defensiveness Conflict Resolution Workshop.

She will come back from Deflating Defensiveness REFRESHED,
energized, and likely want to have sex. This is what I’ve been told,
anyway! She will also be less defensive and have the ability to help
you and your kids have less conflict in your home – which means
more PEACE.
Seriously – she won’t feel she can spend the money on herself, but
the training is an amazing experience, she’ll leave feeling affirmed
and encouraged as a woman, a wife, and a leader. FIND OUT MORE
HERE. Space is limited.
Ephesians 5:33 tells us, “However, let each one of you love his wife as
himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
1 Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an
understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker
vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your
prayers may not be hindered.” What communicates “I love you” to
your wife? Don’t know? ASK her. Want to score some quick
“points?” Try, “Honey, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you over the years. I have
struggled with how to love you well. Please forgive me. I want to try
to do better. I love you – will you give me another chance?”
Then change.
Because apology with change is a reflection of high integrity and
high maturity.
Apology without change is, well, not. And keep your eyes on YOUR
behavior, and not hers, avoiding the sin of judgment. She has her
own walk with God. Chances are she’s working on it, too.
Dare you to then do these things. It will make a huge difference in
your relationship.
Love to you, in Him,
~Nina