Putting polygamy into perspective

(based on the Documentary)

Based on the documentary we watched, two families with the same situations wherein the wives’
perceive polygamy either favorably or unfavorably depending on their Islamic background and marital
life experiences. The women, who had favorable experiences in their marriages, tend to have favorable
perceptions about polygamy, while those who had unfavorable experiences tend to also perceive
polygamy unfavorably.

On the first family, the Shafi Family – Mohammad Shafi, “ang haligi ng tahanan”, a Pakistani, who came
in the Philippines 20 years ago, has four wives. These are Cynthia, Aisha, Wendy, and the fourth one was
in the Pakistan. On the other hand, their neighbor, the Mindog Family has also in the same situation.
Norsi Mindog, a religious leader or Imam, has four wives as well. These are Haguiar, Tahora, Nori and
the youngest one, 19 years old, whose name was not mentioned.

Aisha and Wendy, Shafi’s second and third wife, confessed that even they do not want this kind of set-
up, since they have now converted to Islam from being Christian, accepted this norm. They also said that
because they were already an Islam, they can now understand why Polygamy is legal especially on their
culture. Besides, according to Wendy, at first, she was undecided about it, but Shafi, told her that
according to the Holy Quran, the women should marry a man, even he is already married to the other
women, to save her from the hell.

Likewise, Haguiar and Nori, Bro. Norsi’s first and third wife agreed and accepted whole-heartedly their
situations. They even help their husband to prepare for another wedding ceremony to other woman
because they also believed it is written in their holy book. But there’s always an opposition for every
situation. Both of one of the wives of Shafi and Norsi, have opposed it.

Cynthia, a first wife of Mohammad Shafi, who did not have a favorable experience about polygamy said
that polygamy is not a joke. It is a big disaster. Her husband got into a relationship with his second and
third wife and she could not accept it and did not agree to the marriage of his husband. Cynthia is a
Christian, so I think having a different religion affects also her perspective about Polygamy. According to
her, this causes conflicts within the family, between wives and between children and their father. As
man with many women can’t give an equal justice and treatment, this is where the wives compete for
love and power. “I feel na there’s an unfair treatment on the part of my husband,” Cynthia said. This
makes them enemies and not friends which in essence, directly affects their marriage and indirectly,
affects their children.
Same with Cynthia’s perspective, Bro. Norsi’s second wife, Tahora, disagreed also in this kind of practice
even she is a Muslim. She said that she don’t want to have ‘duwaya’. Marrying more than one is not the
answer to an ideal family. It only caused many problems that a man cannot fulfill his full responsibility to
manage his time and to provide the needs of his families. But because she love her husband that much,
she learned to accept it to the point that Tahora became the bridge for Norsi to find another wife to
marry (third wife). And she told that if you are a Muslim, you cannot avoid it when your husband will
want to marry another (woman).

Tahora and Cynthia, who have unfavorable impressions of their relationships with the other wives
expressed their observations like the other wife’s insecurity, the feeling of jealousy on their part, and
the character of their husband’s other wives. Lack of time and attention of the husband for his family
and financial difficulties have also been their concerns and considered as problems. This marriage setup
not only affects the wife, but also cascades problems down into the lives of children who are the
products as a result of marriage. As I can see it, children become the victims of circumstances which
they have no control over. This problematic and conflicting family issue instills trauma in children which
affects their studies and the social approach to life.

Both Shafi and Norsi believed that Polygamy is normal, applicable and allowed in Islam. As claimed by
them, “Nasa Religion na allowed mag-asawa hanggang apat ang lalaki” [It’s in the religion (Islam) that
men are allowed to marry up to four]. They perceive engaging in polygyny as a form of obedience, an
option, and that it cannot be avoided. They said that they just followed what is commanded about
marriage. The two of them are in favor of polygyny since they believed it is written in the Holy Quran.

However, according to Hadja Allian, a female religious leader for studying Quran, polygamy is not
imposed by Islam nor is it a universal practice. It is instead regarded as the exception to the norm of
monogamy. She said that it all started when there’s a War, to prevent women to become early widow
and prevent adultery or becoming a cheater and ‘kabit’. Muslims view polygyny as an institution which
is to be called into use only in most needed circumstances. The Code of Muslim which sets the rules of
Muslim marriages states that: “Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye
shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess,
that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.”

In my view, let’s just say it is written in the Quran that they can marry up to four women it doesn’t mean
they have to. From beginning until the end of the documentary, I still can’t believe how they can handle
that kind of situation. The idea that men marry more than one woman because Muslim culture permits
it is nonsense. I don’t think married men go around saying: “I need another wife because it is our culture
and written in the Quran.”

From my personal standpoint, they are in polygamy because they want to be with more than one
woman. Let’s not drag culture into this, it’s just personal preference. I guess taking refuge behind
culture is like the naughty child in the proverb who covers his eyes and thinks his parents can’t see him.