4.1.5.

3: PARENTING STYLES AND MARITAL HARMONY

A majority of marital discord stems from disagreement over parenting of children. The
couple can be administered the questionnaire together and the results discussed. It is a
beneficial tool for parents to learn scientific parenting and as an add-on benefit stabilize
their relationship which is under sabotage by poor parenting ideals and skills.
The couple experiencing discord as a result of differences in their parenting can benefit
greatly from being educated on the 4 broad styles and their outcomes and consequences
on their kids.

A) Authoritarian parenting style: Authoritarian parenting is a parenting style characterized by

high demands and low responsiveness. Parents with an authoritarian style have very high
expectations of their children, yet provide very little nurturance. Mistakes tend to be dealt
with harshly. When feedback is often negative. Yelling and corporal punishment are also
commonly seen in the authoritarian style.
Characteristics of Authoritarian Parents
Baumrind believed that one of the major roles that parents play in a child's life is to socialize them to the
values and expectations of their culture. How parents accomplish this, however, can vary dramatically
based upon the amount of control they attempt to exert over their children.

The authoritarian approach represents the most controlling style. Rather than valuing self-control and
teaching children to manage their own behaviors, the authoritarian parent is focused on adherence to
authority. Instead of rewarding positive behaviors, the authoritarian parent only provides feedback in the
form of punishments for misbehavior. 1

These are eight of the most common characteristics of authoritarian parenting:

1. Authoritarian parents tend to be very demanding, but not responsive. They have lots of rules and may even
micromanage almost every aspect of their children's lives and behaviors. Such rules apply to almost every
aspect of life, from how kids are expected to behave in the home to how they should act in public.
Additionally, they also have many unwritten rules that kids are expected to follow—even though these
children receive little to no explicit instruction about these "rules." Instead, children are simply expected to
know that these rules exist.
2. They don't express much warmth or nurturing. Parents with this style often seem cold, aloof, and harsh.
These parents are more likely to be nagging or yelling at their children rather than offering encouragement
and praise. They value discipline over fun and tend to expect that children should simply be seen and not
heard.
3. Authoritarian parents utilize punishments with little or no explanation. Parents with this style usually have no
problem resorting to corporal punishment, which often involves spanking. Rather than relying on positive
reinforcement, they react swiftly and harshly when the rules are broken.
4. They don't give children choices or options. Authoritarian parents set the rules and have a "my way or the
highway" approach to discipline. There is little room for negotiation and they rarely allow their children to
make their own choices.
 5. They have little to no patience for misbehavior. Authoritarian parents expect their children to simply know
better than to engage in undesirable behaviors. They lack the patience for explaining why their children
should avoid certain behaviors and waste little energy talking about feelings.
6. Authoritarian parents don't trust their children to make good choices. While parents with this style have high
expectations and strict rules, they also do not give their children much freedom to demonstrate that they can
display good behavior and make good choices. Rather than letting their kids make decisions on their own
and face the natural consequences for those choices, authoritarian parents hover over their kids in order to
ensure that they don't make mistakes.
7. They are not willing to negotiate. Authoritarian parents don't believe in gray areas. Situations are viewed as
black and white and there is little to no room for compromise. Kids don't get a say or a vote when it comes to
setting rules or making decisions.
8. They may shame their children to force them to behave. Authoritarian parents can be highly critical and may
even use shame as a tactic to force children into following the rules. "Why do you always do that?," "How
many times do I have to tell you the same thing?," and "Why can't you do anything right?" are just a few of
the phrases that these parents might use on a regular basis. Rather than looking for ways to build their
children's self-esteem, these parents often believe that shaming their children will motivate them to do
better.

B) AUTHORITATIVE: What is authoritative parenting?

The authoritative parenting style is an approach to child-rearing that combines warmth,
sensitivity, and the setting of limits. Parents use positive reinforcement and reasoning to guide
children. They avoid resorting to threats or punishments.

This approach is common in educated, middle class families, and linked with superior child
outcomes throughout the world.

Kids raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become independent, self-reliant, socially
accepted, academically successful, and well-behaved.

They are less likely to report depression and anxiety, and less likely to engage in antisocial
behavior like delinquency and drug use.

Research suggests that having at least one authoritative parent can make a big difference
(Fletcher et al 1999).

But what exactly sets the authoritative parenting style apart? How is it different
from authoritarian parenting? How do experts decide if you're an authoritative parent, or practicing
some other parenting style?  And why, exactly, do researchers think authoritativeness breeds success?

Here is an overview.
The authoritative parenting style: The original definition
The authoritative parenting style was first defined by Diane Baumrind, who proposed a new
system for classifying parents. Her idea was to focus on the way parents attempted to control
their kids (Baumrind 1966).

She recognized three major approaches to parental control:

 Permissive parents are reluctant to impose rules and standards, preferring to let their kids regulate
themselves.

 Authoritarian parents demand a sort of blind obedience from their children.

 Authoritative parents take a different, more moderate approach that emphasizes setting high standards,
being nurturing and responsive, and showing respect for children as independent, rational beings. The
authoritative parent expects maturity and cooperation, and offers children lots of emotional support.

So what's the main difference between authoritative parenting from

permissive parenting?
Limit-setting. Like permissive parents, authoritative parents are responsive, nurturing, and involved.
But unlike permissive parents, authoritative parents don't let their kids get away with bad
behavior.  Authoritative parents take a firm stand, expecting their kids to behave responsibly.

And what's the difference between authoritative and authoritarian

parenting?
It's all about the exercise of power. Think of the authoritarian parent as a drill sergeant. Do it now, or
else!  The drill sergeant tries to get his way through threats and coercion. 

By contrast, the authoritative parent aims to inspire cooperation by fostering positive feelings,
and teaching kids the reasons for the rules. 

Authoritative parents communicate lots of warmth to their kids. They avoid using harsh or
arbitrary punishments. They are less likely to shame their kids, or attempt to control kids by
withdrawing love. 
And when their children make mistakes or misbehave, they talk with them about it. They listen to their
children's concerns, and take them into account. They help kids figure out what went wrong, and explain
the consequences of good and bad behavior. 

So while they have similar-looking names, there is a big difference between authoritative and authoritarian
parenting.
Authoritative parents aren't just trying to enforce compliance. They recognize and encourage a child's
sense of autonomy. They want kids to develop self-discipline, maturity, and a respect for others. And they
approach these goals by offering concrete advice and emotional support.

Summed up, some researchers have described it this way: Authoritative parents are highly
demanding (like authoritarian parents), but they are also very responsive to their children's
needs (Maccoby and Martin 1983).

That's the classic definition of the authoritative parenting style, and, using this definition,
researchers have identified the authoritative parents throughout the world.

But not every authoritative parent runs his or her family the same way. There is some important
variation, particularly when it comes to how much of a "vote" children get during family
decision-making.

C) PERMISSIVE PARENTING STYLE: Permissive parenting is a type of parenting style

characterized by low demands with high responsiveness. Permissive parents tend to be very loving, yet
provide few guidelines and rules. These parents do not expect mature behavior from their children and
often seem more like a friend than a parental figure.

These parents tend to be the polar opposite of the so-called "helicopter parents." Instead of hovering over
their children's every move, permissive parents are incredibly lax and rarely make or enforce any type of
rules or structure. Their motto is often simply that "kids will be kids." While they are usually warm and
loving, they make little or no attempt to control or discipline their kids.

Because there are few rules, expectations, and demands, children raised by permissive parents tend to
struggle with self-regulation and self-control.

Low demandingness. Low responsiveness.

Neglectful parents do not set firm boundaries or high standards.

They are indifferent to their children’s needs and uninvolved in their lives.

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These uninvolved parents tend to have mental issues themselves such a

 These uninvolved parents tend to have mental issues themselves such
as maternal depression, physical abuse or child neglect when they were
kids.

When conflicting parenting styles cause trouble in your marriage, it can feel extremely
discouraging.
You got married because you had fun together, you laughed together, you traveled and shared a
love of adventure. Life together seemed guaranteed to be smooth sailing.
Then you had children.
 And now you’re running into road blocks in your relationship because your ideas on parenting are
not lining up.
He says: We argue all the time! She coddles and spoils the kids. She lets them do whatever they
want. She’s raising hooligans!
She says: He’s far too critical and hard on the children. Who knew he’d be such a dictator as a
father!
These differences in parenting styles have created a great divide in your relationship as a married
couple. Date nights are non-existent these days and you’ve lost track of how long it’s been since
there was intimacy.
I often find in my work with couples that conflicting parenting styles can cause trouble in the
marriage. The good news is there is a remedy to this problem. Here is my 4 step process to
resolving this conflict and getting the spark and connection back in your marital relationship.
4 Step Process to Resolving Conflict with Differing Parenting Styles
1. Take a look in the rear view mirror.  This first step is about looking back at the way each of
you were raised. Take a peek back in time to when you were a kid and when your partner was a
child. Get curious about how you were both raised. Seek to understand how each of you were
parented, what you liked and didn’t like about the way your parents dealt with you. Each of you
might consider doing some journalling independently to explore the feelings you have as you
reflect on your respective childhoods and then have some connective conversations where you
share and discuss.
2. Learn the 3 parenting styles and where you currently are on that continuum. There are four
styles of parenting and sometimes parents overlap.
 Authoritarian is also known as “strict parenting.” This style of parenting is seen
when a parent is rigid about the rules, demands cooperation and respect, is punitive in order to
teach children lessons. This is one extreme on the continuum.
 Permissive also known and “indulgent parenting” is when parents allow their
children a lot of latitude with little to no structure. This is the other extreme of the parenting style
continuum.
 Authoritative parenting style is one in which a parent has reasonable expectations
of their children and understand how to provide support for their children as well. This type of
parenting creates the healthiest environment for a growing child, and helps to foster a productive
relationship between parent and child
3. Work to meet in the middle. Rather than hang out on the extremes of the parenting style
continuum, be willing to work together to find the middle ground somewhere in the realm of the
authoritative parenting style. It might require working with a professional to unpack your own
childhood history and resulting beliefs about parenting and then learn new parenting skills.
4. Come together as a partnership and fan the flame. Parenting children is probably the most
challenging job any of us will every have in our lives. But nurturing the marital relationship is also
very important. It’s healthy for children to see their parents investing time and energy into the
marriage. And it’s critical for the health of your union to ensure you are feeding the relationship.
Commit to being kind and loving to one another in your every day communications. Schedule and
honor weekly date nights. Hire a babysitter and go do something fun together. While it’s important
to set aside time to discuss parenting issues, date night should not be the time for those
conversations. Date nights should be time to lean into one another as a couple and remember why
you came together in the first place. These regular connections in which you are dedicating time,
space and energy to one another and your relationship aside from the parenting issues will actually
help you to move out of the conflict zone and into the arena of harmonious partnership. If you are
concerned the strain on your relationship is such that date night is not going to work, it’s probably
time to seek some relationship counseling with a professional.
Nothing brings up our own issues like giving birth to little humans and having to be responsible for
their safety, teaching them how to behave properly, supporting them in school and social situations
and shaping their character. And they don’t come into the world with an instruction manual. Plus,
just when you think you’ve figured it out with Child #1, you welcome Child #2 into the world and
discover nothing that worked with Child #1 is working with Child #2! All of this responsibility and
challenge can put pressure on the marital relationship.