text

Love is a
Blue Tick Hound
AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE

by
Audrey
Cefaly

SAMUEL FRENCH
 Copyrighted Material

FOUR AWARD-WINNING ONE-ACTS

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"Cefaly makes her characters rich and mixed-up enough for us to build some real affection for them."
– Washington Post
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that must balance love and heartache, the safe with the unfamiliar."
– DC Metro Theatre Arts
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– Broadway World

There is a state of inertia — a kind of reckless apathy — that is worse than death itself. A place where
souls go to die, even as we stand back and allow it: a thankless job, a bad marriage, a dysfunctional
family. And although we are not truly "stuck," we often convince ourselves that we are, through some
idea of wholeness, an idea of our own creation, an idea that may very well be full of holes. Getting out
requires math (the hard kind): Why do we settle... and what is the full cost of leaving? These are the
central questions in LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND. Through four intimate duets — FIN & EUBA,
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and fall apart:
FIN & EUBA – 2 f / Exterior Set / Run Time: 25 Min
Winner of over a dozen festivals, including the 2006 Strawberry One-Act Festival
(New York premiere). Fin and Euba inhabit a suffocating world. Big dreams, small
town prospects. As is their ritual, they sit out on the porch this late Autumn night,
watching the cars go by... drinking, bitching, and planning their escape. A great
choice for high school and college productions!
CLEAN – 1 f, 1m / Interior Set / Run Time: 25 Min
Winner of 3 one-act festivals. New York Premiere: Emerging Artists Theatre’s
EATFest (2011). Lina, a worn out waitress, is having the 'worst day of her life.' She
and Roberto, a quiet, unassuming dishwasher, and one who has admired her from
afar, sit alone in the diner at midnight and share stories about their lonely lives.
THE GULF – 2 f / Exterior Set / Run Time: 25 Min
Winner of the 2015 Samuel French Off Off Broadway Short Play Festival (New
York premiere). On a quiet summer evening, somewhere down in the Alabama
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diagnosing Kendra’s dead-end life with career picks from What Color is Your
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STUCK – 1 f, 1m / Interior Set / Run Time: 25 Min
Winner of 3 festivals including the 2011 Eastern States One-Act Festival. Bob
and Betty are out on their second date when things go terrible wrong. Eager for
acceptance, Bob pretends to be more than he is. Betty, new to the world of dating,
struggles to calibrate as she lurches forward into the unknown.

SAMUEL FRENCH
play publishers and authors’ representatives
www.samuelfrench.com
www.samuelfrench-london.co.uk

Cover design and illustration by Amy Law

 Love is a Blue
Tick Hound
and other remedies for the
common ache

Audrey Cefaly

A Samuel French Acting Edition

SAMUELFRENCH.COM
SAMUELFRENCHLONDON.CO.UK
 Copyright © 2016 by Audrey Cefaly
All Rights Reserved

FIN & EUBA, CLEAN, THE GULF, and STUCK are fully protected
under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British
Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the
Copyright Union. All rights, including professional and amateur stage
productions, recitation, lecturing, public reading, motion picture,
radio broadcasting, television and the rights of translation into foreign
languages are strictly reserved.
ISBN 978-0-573-70504-5
www.SamuelFrench.com
www.SamuelFrench-London.co.uk
For Production Enquiries
United States and Canada
[email protected]
1-866-598-8449
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[email protected]
020-7255-4302
Each title is subject to availability from Samuel French, depending upon
country of performance. Please be aware that FIN & EUBA, CLEAN,
THE GULF, and/or STUCK may not be licensed by Samuel French in
your territory. Professional and amateur producers should contact the
nearest Samuel French office or licensing partner to verify availability.
CAUTION: Professional and amateur producers are hereby warned
that FIN & EUBA, CLEAN, THE GULF, and STUCK are subject to a
licensing fee. Publication of this play(s) does not imply availability for
performance. Both amateurs and professionals considering a production
are strongly advised to apply to Samuel French before starting rehearsals,
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For all enquiries regarding motion picture, television, and other media
rights, please contact Samuel French.
 MUSIC USE NOTE
Licensees are solely responsible for obtaining formal written permission
from copyright owners to use copyrighted music in the performance of
this play and are strongly cautioned to do so. If no such permission is
obtained by the licensee, then the licensee must use only original music
that the licensee owns and controls. Licensees are solely responsible and
liable for all music clearances and shall indemnify the copyright owners
of the play(s) and their licensing agent, Samuel French, against any costs,
expenses, losses and liabilities arising from the use of music by licensees.
Please contact the appropriate music licensing authority in your territory
for the rights to any incidental music.
IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS
If you have obtained performance rights to this title, please refer to your
licensing agreement for important billing and credit requirements.
LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND first premiered in 2016 at Birmingham’s
Terrific New Theatre (Tam DeBolt, Artistic Director) in the author’s
home state of Alabama in 2016. It was produced by Sandra Taylor, Jim
Gordy, and Carolyn Messina. The Production Stage Manager was Cari
Oliver and the Technical Director was Kathleen Crawford Jensen. The
cast and directors were as follows:

FIN & EUBA

Directed by John McGinnis
FIN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Peggy Vanek-Titus
EUBA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donna Thornton
CLEAN
Directed by Bethe Ensey
LINA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carolyn Messina
ROBERTO . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . John McGinnis
STUCK
Directed by Alan Litsey
BOB . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Barry Austin
MAGGIE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jennifer Salvant
THE GULF
Directed by Tam DeBolt
KENDRA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carolyn Messina
BETTY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rebecca Yeager
 AUTHOR’S NOTES
ON STORIES OF HEALING

There exists a state of inertia—a kind of reckless apathy—that is worse

than death itself. A place where souls go to die, even as we stand back
and allow it: a thankless job, a bad marriage, a dysfunctional family. And
although we are not truly “stuck,” we often convince ourselves that we
are, through some idea of wholeness, an idea of our own creation, an
idea that may very well be full of holes. Getting out requires math (the
hard kind): Why do we settle…and what is the full cost of leaving? These
are the central questions in Love Is A Blue Tick Hound. Through four
intimate duets—Fin & Euba, Clean, The Gulf, and Stuck—we witness all
the many facets of love as the pairings form, flounder and fall apart.
These pieces are my founding documents, so to speak. They are
connected thematically and represent a sort of literal rendering of how I
came to know myself as an artist.

ON AGE RANGES

I have devoted my writing life to creating challenging roles for both

women and men. Although the characters in these one-acts may be
played by people of any age or ethnicity, there is a certain heartache
known only to those who have been scarred and kicked around by life. I
strongly urge casting directors to consider actors of all ages, shapes and
sizes for the roles in my plays.

ON SILENCE

When a text is stripped to its essence, it returns the gift of tension. Much
of the story that would otherwise be inaudible reveals itself in these quiet
moments. I strive to create dialogue that is free from extraneous noise
and filled with the richness of silence and shadow. Listen carefully as you
read these plays and you will notice that the characters—and the elements
of the worlds that surround them—assert themselves in the hushed and
quiet moments: the call of a distant factory whistle or the sound of cars
driving by on the lonely highway in Fin & Euba; the deafening calm
that follows the big fight scene in The Gulf; the tender story of the Little
Tree in Stuck; and the delicate moments in Clean just after the journal is
discovered. These stories are not to be rushed. Directors of my material
should make note of the quiet moments and the beats, not as throwaway
stage directions, but as an indicator that the silence is yet another
character in the narrative—and that is has something to say.

ON INCLUSION

As a playwright—and as a member of the human race—I believe I

am the best reflection of myself when I am championing the under-
represented. I value, and so encourage, diversity and inclusion, both
as a product and as a practice. By product, I mean my body of work.
Thematically, the product often deals outright with elements of diversity.
Additionally, in practice, casting, staging, and production decisions can
and should reflect diversity whenever possible. I encourage flexibility
in casting, especially with age-range and ethnicity. Herein, whenever
explicit staging or production elements would preclude production or
impede creativity, reasonable “work-arounds” and innovative approaches
are encouraged.
FIN & EUBA

7
FIN & EUBA was first produced in Silver Spring, Maryland, where it won
the 2003 Silver Spring Stage One-Act Festival. It subsequently won the
Maryland One-Act Festival and the Eastern States One-Act Festival that
same season. The production was directed by Michael Kharfen and the
cast was as follows:

EUBA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erika Imhoof

FIN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Audrey Cefaly

FIN & EUBA later debuted in New York where it won the 2006 Strawberry
One-Act Festival. The play was directed by Joseph Holmgren and the cast
was as follows:

EUBA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carolyn Messina

FIN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Audrey Cefaly
 CHARACTERS
EUBA: A woman of any age and ethnicity; quiet; a follower.
FIN: A woman of any age and ethnicity; self-assured; dry and gritty.

SETTING
The yard of an old boarding house in the deep South.

TIME
Autumn, late evening.

AUTHOR’S NOTE
Fin and Euba are poor and scrappy. They say and do things that may
seem surreal or comical, but in all things there is a truth to their ways.
They are not caricatures. That is to say, they are very real people with real
problems. Every effort should be made to identify their core beliefs and
to portray them honestly.

STAGING
The below elements are not a requirement for staging. Reasonable
workarounds and text edits are encouraged to meet the needs of the
individual production. Please submit any edit requests to Samuel French
for prior approval.

Alcohol, Smoking, Open Flame

 (SETTING: The yard of an old boarding house
with an abundance of tacky yard art, gnomes and
all things ridiculous. The house overlooks both a
lonely highway and, in the distance, a paper mill.
A porch light is visible near an area that represents
the house.)
(AT RISE: EUBA exits the house onto the porch. She
goes through her nightly ritual of retrieving an
old coffee can from under the porch and situating
herself in a lawn chair so she can light a cigarette.
She sorts through a small stack of mail. A letter
draws her attention. She hides it hastily as FIN
enters the yard.)
FIN. Hey.
EUBA. Hey.
FIN. Can I bum one?
(EUBA passes her the pack.)
Where is she?
EUBA. Same as always. Back in the back watching Home
Shoppin’.
FIN. God. Ain’t she got enough of them creepy critters?
EUBA. They keep disappearing. She keeps buyin’ more.
(FIN points to a gnome and looks to EUBA for an
explanation.)
It’s new. Buddy.
FIN. Buddy? They have names? Gross.
(They stare out at the highway. An occasional car
speeds by.)
It’s gettin’ cold.
EUBA. Yeah.

13
14 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

FIN. Don’t you think it’s gettin’ cold?

EUBA. Yeah, it’s gettin’ cold.
(silence)
FIN. Bernice told me you got a letter in mail-call today.
(beat)
From Life Magazine?
EUBA. Bernice talks too much.
FIN. Well, ain’t you gonna tell me what it says? You been
waitin’ for that letter since June.
EUBA. No.
FIN. No?
EUBA. I ain’t read it.
FIN. Why not?
EUBA. Personal reasons.
FIN. What?
EUBA. Private reasons.
FIN. Oooh. Oh, I see. Okay. Alright. That’s fine…you don’t
want to tell me.
EUBA. Good.
FIN. Your best friend.
EUBA. Yup.
FIN. The only person you could trust in the whole wide
world.
EUBA. Yup.
FIN. But you don’t want to tell me –
EUBA. Nope.
(silence)
FIN. Shoulda worn my jacket.
EUBA. Mnnn hmn.
FIN. Two weeks till Thanksgiving, you believe that?
EUBA. Double shifts again next week.
FIN. You’re kiddin’?!
EUBA. Fat Charlie told Thelma ’n’ Thelma told me.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 15

FIN. Good! I need the money.

EUBA. I need sleep more than I need the money.
FIN. That’s the truth.
(beat)
I heard something, but you ain’t gon’ like it.
EUBA. What?
FIN. Miss Vera’s fixin’ to raise the rent next month.
EUBA. Where’d you hear that?!
FIN. Bernice. Said she overheard her talkin’ about it on the
phone to Brother Herbert.
EUBA. Shit.
FIN. Yup.
EUBA. How much?
FIN. (through an exhale of cigarette smoke) I don’t know.
(pause)
EUBA. You know I’d move in a heartbeat.
FIN. Me too!
EUBA. Too many rules.
FIN. I know it!
EUBA. Better not let her see you smokin’ out here. She’ll
kick us out for sure.
(FIN blows a defiant puff of smoke toward the
house.)
FIN. Let’s do it.
EUBA. What?
FIN. Move.
EUBA. You’re crazy.
FIN. I’m serious!
EUBA. It’s too far, Fin. The next rooming house is two miles
down. That’s way too far to walk to work.
FIN. Lou Anne lives down there at Scooter’s. We could ride
in with her. And he ain’t have no rules, neither, except
cash only.
16 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

EUBA. Cash only?

FIN. Cash only. And no pets.
EUBA. No pets?
FIN. No pets.
EUBA. What about a fish?
(beat)
Could I have a fish?
FIN. I bet you could have a fish.
EUBA. Maybe I’d like a fish.
FIN. What, like a goldfish?
EUBA. No, one of them pretty ones, with the pretty colors.
FIN. Oh yeah! I like them. Fish are good.
(beat)
What do you think?
EUBA. I don’t know.
FIN. I’ll call Scooter tomorrow.
EUBA. I don’t know.
FIN. We could think on it.
EUBA. Yeah…
FIN. Let’s just think on it.
EUBA. Okay.
FIN. We’ll just think on it. That’s what we’ll do.
EUBA. (trying to close the subject) Okay. Let’s think on it.
FIN. (overlapping) Okay.
(beat)
I’m thinkin’.
(silence)
EUBA. We got any beer?
FIN. Hangin’ off the dock out back!
(FIN exits.)
EUBA. (calling) You better hope she don’t find it.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 17

FIN. I hope she does!

(EUBA pulls out the unopened letter and holds it,
contemplating.)
EUBA. (to herself) Stupid.
(EUBA looks at Buddy, who is staring back at her.)
(to Buddy) Shut up.
(EUBA hides the note as FIN returns with the beer.)
FIN. Shiiiiittt, these are cold!
EUBA. Well what do you expect, pond’s about froze over.
(FIN hands EUBA a beer.)
Damn!!
FIN. I told you.
FIN. Man…there’s nothin’ better!!
EUBA. Nope.
FIN. I love a good cold beer.
EUBA. Really cold…
FIN. You OK?
EUBA. Yup.
FIN. Ice headache?
EUBA. Yup.
FIN. Well drink some more, you’ll be alright.
(A factory whistle is heard in the distance.)
BOTH. 10 o’clock.
FIN. They got a new foreman comin’ in next week.
EUBA. Where’s Lila?
FIN. Fat Charlie sent her home. She couldn’t keep up.
EUBA. When’s the baby due?
FIN. Any day.
EUBA. How’s she look?
FIN. She looks good. She looks real good. Big.
EUBA. I miss havin’ her on my shift.
18 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

FIN. I know it. She’s so funny. You remember back last fall
when we had that real bad storm and everybody was
down at Piggly Wiggly fightin’ over toilet paper? Well,
I saw Lila, Terrell and I don’t know who all else, a big
ol’ crowd of folks standin’ around Bobby Johnson’s
butcher counter cuz one of the stock boys had gotten
all pissed off at Bobby one night and had went and
built a Kotex Maxi-Pad display inside the meat case.
EUBA. I forgot all about that.
FIN. So Lila says, “That’s a mighty fine display, Bobby. You
havin’ a special?” I’m gon’ miss her.
EUBA. She’ll be back.
FIN. Nuh uh! She’s movin’.
EUBA. What?
FIN. Well, you remember how her husband went through
basic training last summer?
EUBA. Yeah.
FIN. They just assigned him to a unit at Ft. Bragg and
they’re movin’ soon as the baby’s born.
EUBA. What?
FIN. She’s mad as a hornet too. She just got the baby’s
room all fixed up and everything.
(The front porch light flashes.)
BOTH. (ad lib) Oh…Oh man…Shit.
(They hide their beers.)
FIN. (to EUBA) Fifteen minutes. (calling) Yes, ma’am!
EUBA. FIN.
(overlapping) God, I can’t (overlapping) She gives me
stand that woman! the creeps! Her and them
thirteen cats.
EUBA. Seventeen. Ginger had her litter this mornin’.
FIN. (warning) That’s it! We’re movin’ to Scooter’s’. I mean
it, Euba! I’m callin’ Scooter tomorrow. My hands are
frozen.
EUBA. I’ll get a blanket.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 19

(EUBA exits into the house to get a blanket. FIN

sips her beer quietly, looking around the yard. She
goes over to Buddy, the gnome, and quietly picks
him up. She takes him off stage and throws him
into the pond. We hear a splash. She re-enters
cavalierly rolling up her shirt sleeves.)
FIN. Oops.
(FIN notices that EUBA has left her letter behind.
She casually picks it up and tries to decode it from
the outside. She is nearly caught as EUBA returns.)
EUBA. (calling back) Yes ma’am! (mimicking) “Ain’t you girls
comin’ in? I flashed that light a hundred times.” Here,
I stole you a cookie.
(EUBA hands FIN the blanket. She looks at the letter
and then at FIN, who is casually looking away.)
FIN. Yumm. What’d you tell her?
EUBA. Nothing. I just looked at her. She was still yacking
away when I left.
FIN. Yack. Yack. That woman could talk the chicken offa
bone.
(beat)
I wonder how somebody could do that much talkin’
and still not say anything.
(beat)
Euba?
EUBA. Yeah?
FIN. When you gon’ open that letter?
EUBA. Life Magazine does not care about any of the stupid
pictures I took in high school, Fin. Get real.
FIN. I didn’t send ’em those, Miss Smartypants. I sent ’em
the ones you took at the plant during the strike last
summer.
EUBA. Whatever.
FIN. What if it’s a job offer?
20 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

EUBA. (overlapping) Oh, get serious, Fin. You think you can
just send my pictures to some big shot at Life Magazine
and expect a job offer?
FIN. (overlapping) Oh, give me a little more credit, will ya? I
did not just send them to any old big shot. I sent them
to the Executive Editor, if you must know. I took his name
right off the inside cover.
EUBA. Now, that makes all the difference don’t it?
FIN. (staring at EUBA blankly) You are so negative. Negative.
Negative. Negative.
EUBA. (overlapping) Realistic.
FIN. Yes. That too! And negative.
(beat)
I bet it’s a job offer! What do ya think?
EUBA. I don’t know and I don’t care.
FIN. Don’t lie.
EUBA. I ain’t lyin’. I don’t want to know.
FIN. Why?
EUBA. It’s better not knowing.
FIN. Better?
EUBA. I didn’t send the pictures, Fin! You did!
FIN. It’s what you wanted.
EUBA. No, Fin. It’s what you wanted.
FIN. You said. You dreamed about it.
EUBA. No I didn’t.
FIN. Don’t lie! Euba. You have been dreamin’ about taking
pictures for Life Magazine ever since high school.
EUBA. OK, yeah, alright. Yeah I dreamed about it, but that
don’t mean I want it.
(beat)
FIN. That don’t make no sense, Euba. Dreamin’…
wantin’…same thing.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 21

EUBA. No, it ain’t. Dreamin’ is dreamin,’ that’s all it is.

Wantin’ means you’re willin’ to work for it and I ain’t
and that’s all.
FIN. What are you talking about?
EUBA. Do I dream about it? Yes! Of course, I do. When I’m
out there on that line all day and my feet are so swole
up I can’t think straight? I dream about it. Or when
Bugger James comes into my room ’stead of his own
at 4 a.m. cuz he’s so blind from drunk. I dream about
it. Or how ’bout, every mornin’ scrambling for a warm
shower ’stead of ice cold, cuz I slept in two minutes
late. Fin, I dream about getting out every minute of
every day of my life.
FIN. Well, what are you waitin’ for? (holding up the letter)
This is your chance, Euba.
EUBA. (taking the letter) Because. If I open this letter. And it
says what I know it’s gonna say…
FIN. What?
EUBA. …then I have nothin’.
FIN. But what if they want you!?
EUBA. What if they don’t?
FIN. What if they do?
EUBA. What if they don’t?! What if I open that letter, and it
tells me I’m no better than anybody else in this –
FIN. Oh, come on!!! If I had half your talent, I’d march
right down to that office and I’d tell that fat bastard
Charlie to kiss my ass. I’d quit. With no notice! And
I’d start walking till I hit Atlanta. And you wanna know
what else?!?! I wouldn’t look back!!! I’d never look back! Not
even for you, baby. Not even for you.
EUBA. Well, thanks a lot.
FIN. It’s nothing personal.
EUBA. I know it.
FIN. Open the damn letter!
EUBA. Stop it!
FIN. Euba!
22 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

EUBA. Leave it alone, Fin.

FIN. It’s a sin what you’re doin’. Throwin’ away your God-
given talent.
EUBA. How come you can’t just drop it?!
FIN. You oughta be ashamed.
EUBA. Stop!!
FIN. No, I won’t. And you wanna know why?
EUBA. Cuz you ain’t got any dreams of your own, that’s
why!
(silence)
FIN. (stung) Nice. Turn it back on me, why don’t you?
EUBA. (overlapping) I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.
FIN. (overlapping) Oh, save it, Euba! I know what I want. And
you can call it dreamin’, wantin’ whatever. Kids? Yep. On
the list. One girl. One boy. And a husband someday,
if I can find one who’ll have me. Somebody to love.
Somebody who will love me back. A white house, with a
little wrap-around porch…on a little quiet street –
EUBA. (overlapping) Don’t forget the white picket fence.
FIN. (continuing defiantly)—in a little quiet city—that don’t
smell like something dead. And just maybe, when I’m
old and ugly, I want a blue tick hound dog named
Jake…
(beat)
…who knows his name, who will come when I call him,
and who will love me, no matter what, cuz that’s what
dogs do.
EUBA. Sounds like you got it all planned out…
FIN. (sincerely) Yeah, well, I ain’t special like you, Euba.
EUBA. Oh, come on –
FIN. (overlapping) No, no, it don’t bother me. You bother
me. You say you want a fish, but you don’t even know
what kind!
EUBA. Fish? Fish? We’re talking about fish now? I know
what kind of fish Fin, I just can’t think of the name,
that’s all.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 23

FIN. My point exactly.

EUBA. I know what I want.
FIN. No, you don’t.
EUBA. Yes, I –
FIN. (overlapping) No! No you don’t, Euba. You sit here
and bitch and you moan about this place…about
gettin’ out. But it’s all just words, idn’t it? You never do
anything. You never do anything about it.
EUBA. I’m happy right where I am, thank you very much.
FIN. Don’t say that! Don’t you ever say that!
EUBA. Leave it alone, Fin.
FIN. You know what –
(beat)
Okay. Fine. Have it your way.
EUBA. I think I will. Thank you.
FIN. As long as you can live with it.
(beat)
Come Sunday morning and you’re sittin’ there. Seventh
row center at Southside Baptist. Trying to explain to
the Good Lord why you took the gifts—the gifts—that
he gave you and threw them all away! You hear me?!?!
Just threw ’em away. Now what do you think he would
have to say about that?
EUBA. I can’t speak for Jesus, Fin.
FIN. Well, I can! And I’ll tell you what he’d say. Shame. On.
You! Shaammme on you, Yolanda Eubanks!
(EUBA quickly pulls out the letter and starts
ripping it up.)
Stop it! What are you doing?!?! Are you insane?!?!
Euba!!
(EUBA holds a lighter up to the letter in warning.
A cold, menacing demeanor washes over her.)
24 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

EUBA. Get back, Fin. I’m warning ya. I got a Dale Earnhart
Intimidator and I ain’t afraid to use it.
FIN. You wouldn’t!
(EUBA flicks the lighter on.)
EUBA. You wanna take that chance?
FIN. Don’t do it. You’ll never live it down, Euba.
EUBA. (overlapping) You better get back, Fin! Now, I need
you to leave me be on this, you hear me?!?!
FIN. Euba, please!
EUBA. Back away!
FIN. Euba –
EUBA. I’LL TORCH IT!
FIN. I believe you would. I do. I’m backing away, see me,
I’m back. Now put the lighter down.
EUBA. (pointedly) Now, this is my life. MY LIFE! And it’s mine
for me to decide if I want to throw it away, you got it?
FIN. Yes!
EUBA. No more talk! No more fish! No more nothin’!!
FIN. (overlapping) Okay. Yes. Yes. Okay. I’m sorry. Please…
just…just…just…put the lighter down.
(EUBA accidentally burns herself on the lighter. She
drops the lighter and the papers on the ground.)
EUBA. (overlapping) Ow! Shit!!
(silence)
(a realization)
I’m crazy…
FIN. No.
EUBA. I am. I’m crazy. That’s the only explanation.
FIN. No. No.
EUBA. I mean it, Fin. Whatever this is, it ain’t normal. It
ain’t—something’s wrong with me.
FIN. Euba?
EUBA. (overlapping) I’m scared, Fin. You hear me? I’m
scared!
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 25

FIN. Of what? A letter?

EUBA. No! Of…of everything. Afraid to go. Afraid to stay.
Livin’. Dyin’. We’re screwed, you know that? We’re
screwed! Stuck in this house with that crazy witch. No
car. No phone.
(triumphantly)
Beta fish!
FIN. Beta fish! Yes!
EUBA. With no nothin’, Fin, when you think about it. We
work in a mill that spits poison twenty-four-seven. And
the smell, God that smell. It turns my stomach, Fin. I
can’t get away from it. It’s in my clothes, it’s in my hair,
it’s in my sheets, Fin! It’s in my sheets!
FIN. I know.
EUBA. I’ve probably got some sort of deadly disease eatin’
away at me on the inside. For Christ’s sake, Fin, we have
to wait for a northern wind to barbecue! God, I hate it
here! I hate this fucking place.
FIN. Then leave!
EUBA. What if the next place is no better? Ya ever thinka
that?
FIN. Wha –
EUBA. What if the next place…is worse than this?
FIN. (taking in her surroundings) That’s a scary thought,
Euba.
EUBA. You make it sound so easy. Just pick up, go
somewhere, do something. I know there’s better
places, don’t think I don’t know that, but Fin…I can’t.
I can’t…move. I can’t—I’m—I’m stuck.
FIN. You are NOT stuck. You listen to me. You are NOT
stuck. Ain’t none of us stuck!
EUBA. Yeah.
(beat)
I am.
26 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

(The porch light flashes another warning. EUBA

hurls a beer can towards the porch.)
EUBA. OH, SHUT UP!
(She falters, gasping for breath.)
Oh, God, I can’t breathe!
FIN. Shh shh…okay, okay, caaallmmm down. Calm down.
EUBA. I AM CALM!!
FIN. Okay, well calm down a little bit more for me, then.
EUBA. Okay.
FIN. Take a deep breath.
EUBA. Okay.
FIN. Take another one, sit down here for a second and
catch your breath, where’s that beer? Whooaa, whooaa.
Okay, now keep breathing, don’t forget to breathe.
Everything’s gon’ be back to normal here, now just
keep breathing.
EUBA. Okay.
FIN. Here, have a drink.
(EUBA drinks.)
Alright?
(EUBA nods.)
Have another sip. Alright. You okay?
(EUBA nods. Silence.)
It’s tough. I know. But…it might help if you
remember…God never gives us more than we can
handle.
(EUBA slowly turns and stares blankly at FIN.)
FIN. (backpedalling) Well sometimes. Sometimes he does.
Sometimes, it is just a little bit more than we can
handle. But that’s why we have each other.
(EUBA takes a deep swig of her beer. She gathers the
pieces of the letter and stands for a moment looking
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 27

down at them. She is resolved now. She lights the

papers. As they burn, she takes a cigarette out of
the pack and lights it from the flame. She throws
the burning pieces into the coffee can. EUBA sits
and stares out at the lonely highway.)
(silence)
EUBA. (vacantly) Fin?
FIN. (stoic) Yep?
EUBA. What happened to Buddy?
FIN. He went for a swim.
EUBA. Oh?
FIN. Yeah.
(silence)
(FIN puts the blanket around her and grabs her
beer and sits. The lull of the crickets and heaviness
of the air envelope them both. They resume staring
out at the lonely highway.)
(defeated) It’s getting’ cold out here.
EUBA. (an apology) Yeah.
FIN. Don’t you think it’s gettin’ cold?
EUBA. Yeah.
(beat)
Yeah…
(silence)
…it’s gettin’ cold.
(Lights fade to blackout.)

End of Play
CLEAN

29
CLEAN was first produced in Silver Spring, Maryland, where it won
the 2009 Silver Spring Stage One-Act Festival. It subsequently won the
Maryland One-Act Festival and the Eastern States One-Act Festival that
same season. The production was directed by Leta Hall and the cast was
as follows:

ROBERTO . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nello DeBlasio

LINA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erika Imhoof

CLEAN later debuted in 2011 in New York, where it was a finalist for
Emerging Artists Theatre’s summer EATFest. The play was directed by
Troy Miller and the cast was as follows:

ROBERTO . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Matt Stapleton

LINA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Glory Gallo
 CHARACTERS
LINA: A waitress. Any age. A disheveled woman who looks older than
her years.
ROBERTO: An immigrant. A dishwasher. Any age. A gentle soul, prone
to bouts of exuberance. The part may be played ‘as is’ (Italian—
with broken English) or in any other language that is well-suited to
the actor’s range. (As such, language substitution within the text is
permissible.)

SETTING
A restaurant. Anywhere.

TIME
Present day.
 (SETTING: 2 a.m. An empty restaurant, after
closing time.)
(On one table there are napkins and cutlery being
prepped for the next day. There is a mop bucket on
the floor and chairs are turned up for cleaning.)
(AT RISE: LINA lies on the tiled floor. Her apron is
dirty and her work shoes are old and worn. She is
weeping softly and cradling a mop.)
(ROBERTO appears in the doorway with his
backpack and keys. He is shocked to see LINA on
the floor.)
ROBERTO. Lina! What is this?
LINA. Tell me the truth.
ROBERTO. Che?
LINA. (lifeless) Does this mop make me look fat?
ROBERTO. Lina, please tell me what’s happen?
LINA. What’s happen…
ROBERTO. You fell?
LINA. I’m doing my pilates.
ROBERTO. Pilates?
LINA. This maneuver is quite complicated, actually. It works
your inner core and your…ass fat, area.
ROBERTO. Scusa [excuse me]?
LINA. Yes, Roberto, I fell.
ROBERTO. I call the nine one one.
LINA. No!
ROBERTO. Are you hurt?
LINA. No.
ROBERTO. Can you get up?
LINA. No.

33
34 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

ROBERTO. What can I do?

LINA. I just want to lay here.
ROBERTO. Lay here?
LINA. Yes…
ROBERTO. Okay…
(ROBERTO stands to leave.)
LINA. STAY!
ROBERTO. Okay…
(ROBERTO moves closer.)
LINA. I woke up this morning, Roberto…I got out of bed. I
looked in the mirror…and I realized…I am so fucking
old.
ROBERTO. No, bella. You are not –
LINA. (overlapping) Yes I am. And please don’t argue with
me, it works better that way.
ROBERTO. (overlapping) Lina…no…
LINA. (overlapping) I am lying here like roadkill on this
disgusting floor and I am having the worst day of my
life. Okay, maybe not the worst day, but it’s gotta be up
there. Top five for sure. Did you see that crazy woman
fighting with her husband, the one with the hyena
voice, the one that kept laughing at her own jokes?
ROBERTO. Oh, sí!
LINA. Sí
Sí, yeah. Her. She threw a plate of pasta at his face,
Roberto. His face!! From across the table! Fettuccine
went flying. What is wrong with people? And what is
wrong with water? Just a glass of water in the face, right
there in the face, two, three ounces, tops. It’s simple,
it’s classic…good for the environment.
(beat)
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Ya know what you
never hear Roberto? Here’s what you never hear…in
kindergarten, when Mrs. Tipton looks around at those
cute little innocent faces and she says…kids, what do you
want to be when you grow up? Oh, oh, I know! I wanna be a
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 35

waitress! I wanna grow up and clean up after other people’s

problems ALL day long, and oh, please, I want that hyena
lady, cuz I just love scraping pasta off the ceiling!
(beat)
You never hear that Roberto. You never do.
ROBERTO. I’m sorry you have this bad day, Lina.
(ROBERTO lays down by her side.)
(silence)
(noticing the underside of the table)
ROBERTO. Oof!
LINA. Disgusting.
ROBERTO. My God!
LINA. Fifty years of Hubba Bubba…
(beat)
ROBERTO. Hubba? Ah ooba booba?
LINA. (amused) Ooba booba, yes.
ROBERTO. (enthralled) Ah, sí! Remarkable!
LINA. The yellow one has flavor crystals. It sparkles…
ROBERTO. Flavor crystals…
LINA. Just once, I want my life to be like it is in the movies,
ya know…like—like a fifty dollar tip or somebody wins
the lottery. You ever notice how the waitress in the
movie always ends up with the good guy in the end?
I could be in the movies. Just tell me what to sign, I’ll
sign it. I’ll sign anything.
(beat)
You don’t have to stay. I’m fine now.
ROBERTO. (skeptical) Hmm…
LINA. I am.
(They do not move.)
(silence)
36 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

This is the most we’ve spoken. Ever. Why is that?

ROBERTO. Boh [I don’t know].
LINA. How long have you worked here?
ROBERTO. We start on the very same day. Eh…five years
and three weeks.
LINA. Five years? Please don’t tell me we’ve been doing this
for five years, Roberto.
ROBERTO. And three weeks.
LINA. Can that be true? Oh my god. Aren’t you tired?
ROBERTO. Sí.
LINA. Then why do you stay? Don’t answer that.
ROBERTO. Why?
LINA. Because then you’ll ask me why I stay, and I won’t be
able to answer you, except to say that I have no idea.
(beat)
Seriously, why do you stay?
ROBERTO. (shaking his head) Non lo so [I don’t know].
(beat)
You did a good job with the mopping. Looks good.
LINA. (heartfelt) Thank you for noticing. No one ever does.
ROBERTO. I do.
LINA. You do?
ROBERTO. Sí.
(beat)
LINA. I like to mop…
ROBERTO. Why?
LINA. Because…because it’s mine. No matter what kind of
day I’ve had, it’s the one thing that’s mine. And I do a
damn good job too. I put the chairs up—no one else
does that. Late at night…everyone is gone. It’s the last
thing I do after silverware and wipe-downs and sugar
and ketchup. I start at the counter, and I wind my way
around A3 and A4 and then I backtrack behind the
waitress station, and back through B and then C, and
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 37

then I mop myself into a little corner and out the door.
I turn the key, and when I look back in the window, I
can see everything—my whole day—shiny and…clean.
And it makes me feel like anything, no matter how far
gone…can be new again. Is that weird?
ROBERTO. No.
LINA. No?
ROBERTO. Do you not think it is, eh…human nature to
want order…to…want to make sense of a life? Maybe
this mopping is not the best way, but eh, if it works for
you…
LINA. My father told me I could be anything. And I believed
him…for a really long time. And you, a dishwasher. Let
me guess…a lifelong dream, right?
ROBERTO. No.
LINA. Tell me.
ROBERTO. What?
LINA. The story. Your story.
ROBERTO. Ah. It is boring.
LINA. No.
ROBERTO. It is a ninna-nanna [lullabye/bedtime story].
You will fall to sleep.
LINA. Please.
ROBERTO. Ah, well…my father was a contadino…eh…
farming? But, eh, we did not see eyes to eye.
LINA. No?
ROBERTO. No. Difficult man. He could not, eh, read…
write…mah, the one thing that he knows is terra…
eh…the land. And eh, the farm…this was all he ever
knows. I love him, but I cannot live this life. To stay
in one place, never to see the world, no. Non per me
[not for me]. And one night, I tell him this, I say these
things to him. He have this look in his eye. This is the
very bad part.
(beat)
Mmn…
38 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

(beat)
He will not forgive me, so…I cannot stay.
LINA. So you left…
(beat)
Don’t you miss him?
ROBERTO. Sí.
LINA. You’re very brave…
ROBERTO. Eh…not too much.
LINA. Do you ever think of going back?
ROBERTO. No. This is where I must be.
LINA. You mean…America?
ROBERTO. Eh…no.
LINA. No?
ROBERTO. Sometimes in your life, you have…eh, how do
you say, a porpoise? Porpoise?
LINA. (instructing) Purpose?
ROBERTO. Ah, sí, purpose—what is this? Purpose?
LINA. Umn…it’s like…when you have a reason for
something.
ROBERTO. Sí, sí. This is purpose. Sí. Do you know how
something will keep you? Ti mantiene [keeps you]?
LINA. Keeps you?
ROBERTO. Sí.
(pointing to his heart)
It keeps you…
LINA. Oh. Yeah. I do.
(beat)
So you’re happy…
ROBERTO. Eh…
LINA. What?
ROBERTO. Happy…
(silence)
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 39

LINA. You know, Roberto, I saw you last week.

ROBERTO. Oh?
LINA. At the farmer’s market.
ROBERTO. The market?
LINA. You didn’t see me?
ROBERTO. No…
LINA. What—you looked right at me.
(beat)
I had on an orange dress…
ROBERTO. No.
LINA. Strange. You were buying tomatoes. Heirloom
tomatoes.
ROBERTO. Ah, pomodori [tomatoes]? You did not say hello.
LINA. I didn’t want to disturb you. I just wanted…to observe
you…in your natural…habitat.
ROBERTO. (amused) Habitat? Like in the zoo? If you want to
see me in a zoo, you would not have to go this far!
LINA. No, I just mean…well, it was nice to see you out in
the open. Away from here, ya know?
ROBERTO. Sí.
(beat)
Maybe…eh…
LINA. What?
ROBERTO. Maybe you see me, is okay you say hello.
LINA. Oh?
ROBERTO. I cut you a tomato, we go for a walk.
LINA. A walk?
ROBERTO. Sí…eh…along the river.
LINA. That sounds nice. Do you have many girlfriends,
Roberto?
ROBERTO. No!!!
LINA. Oh, I bet you do.
ROBERTO. I do not.
40 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

LINA. It’s okay, don’t be embarrassed.

ROBERTO. I do not. I have no time!
LINA. No time! What an excuse!
ROBERTO. Well…I do have my eye on someone.
LINA. You do?
ROBERTO. Sí, but eh…she is far away.
LINA. Oh. I’m sorry. I’m sure she is very special.
ROBERTO. Sí. And what about you?
LINA. No.
ROBERTO. No?
LINA. No. I’m done. I am through with all of that shit.
Love…men, all of it.
ROBERTO. No! Why do you say this?
LINA. What, that I’m through with love, the fairy tale?
When you stop believing in happily-ever-afters, Roberto,
you can’t be disappointed when there isn’t one.
ROBERTO. Pff.
LINA. What?
ROBERTO. This is no way to look at your life, Garrincha!
LINA. Garrincha. Why do you call me that?
ROBERTO. It is a problem?
LINA. It is a problem, yes, Roberto. You’ve got the whole
kitchen calling me that.
ROBERTO. Garrincha! Most famous calciatore in all of Brazil,
aside from Pelé of course.
LINA. Of course!
ROBERTO. I call you Garrincha, out of respect. He was a
survivor, and so are you.
LINA. He died of cirrhosis of the liver! In his fifties.
ROBERTO. How do you know this?
LINA. I Googled.
ROBERTO. Googood?
LINA. GOOGLED! I don’t like it.
ROBERTO. Bella. This is upsetting to you?
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 41

LINA. Yes. Yes, it is upsetting to me.

ROBERTO. If you want me to stop, I stop.
LINA. Thank you.
(beat)
ROBERTO. I cannot!
LINA. Yes you can.
ROBERTO. No!
LINA. Roberto.
ROBERTO. No.
LINA. Why not?
ROBERTO. It is how I see you.
LINA. As a drunk, middle-aged, dead soccer player?
ROBERTO. Yes. NO!! No, no, Bella…
LINA. Then what?
ROBERTO. Two years ago, you come to work, you’re upset,
you have a new pair of eh, brown eh—pantaloni—eh…
trouser. You say Roberto…look at my feet. I look at your
feet. You say to me do you see anything unusual? I say…
No…I see two feet. You say to me, Roberto! Clearly! My left
leg is shorter than my right. And I say to you, Lina, this is
ridiculous, your legs, they are the same. And you give me
this look in your eye…
(off LINA’s look)
THAT ONE! Right there, that’s the one…and you take
the tray così (slamming an invisible tray), and you walk
away, and we never speak of this again. But I keep in
my mind…and then one day, I remember. Garrincha.
Sí, the drinking and the women, yes, but more than
this, he had the one leg, six centimeter shorter from the
other, and still he becomes LEGEND!
(beat)
LINA. Are you serious?
ROBERTO. Legend!
42 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

LINA. Okay…as much as I adore that comparison—and

I  do, I really love that—umn…I am not a legend,
Roberto. I am a waitress with a dirty apron and aching
feet –
ROBERTO. (overlapping) Dai! Non dire cazzate [don’t talk
crap]!
LINA. (suddenly aware of how dirty her hair is) …and pasta in
my hair, Roberto!!! Do you see this?
ROBERTO. Ah! You are like the oobah boobah! You have a
flavor crystal!
LINA. Why can’t you let me be miserable?
ROBERTO. Okay!
(ROBERTO holds out his hand to LINA.)
LINA. No…
ROBERTO. Up!
(He helps her up and into a chair.)
Okay! And now, you sit. Sit, sit. SIT!
(LINA sits.)
I don’t want to hear no more of this crazy things. Okay?
LINA. Did I mention I’m crazy?
ROBERTO. BASTA!! NO MORE OF THIS! And don’t you
laugh at me! I give you something to laugh about, for
sure! This is no joking! You push me to the limit!
LINA. Sorry to bother you with my problems.
ROBERTO. No, no, no, no…I don’t care if you bother, Lina,
this is not the point. But you won’t listen to the reason.
You want to go on believing these crazy idea of ugly,
eh…hopeless, boh. What else for me to say, eh? I could
say to you look, Lina, it is a beautiful blue sky, and no,
you contradict!
LINA . Because sometimes, Roberto…IT ISN’T!
SOMETIMES, IT RAINS PASTA!!!
ROBERTO. Ah…my life, a devastation. Porcoddio [swearing],
I want to kill myself with a salad fork!
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 43

(LINA rakes her arm across the table, sending

silverware flying.)
LINA. GO AHEAD!
(silence)
(ROBERTO picks up a fork and walks toward
LINA. He leans over her, threatening with the fork.)
ROBERTO. Your life has meaning, Lina.
(ROBERTO slams the fork down on the table and
takes the mop from her hands. He begins to mop
with a vengeance.)
(silence)
LINA. I’m sorry…
(beat)
I don’t know why I did that, I don’t usually throw
utensils, it’s really not my thing.
(beat)
Why do you care, anyway? It’s not like you’ve taken
any interest before. You just sit there (gesturing to his
preferred table) every day with that notebook. That stupid
notebook.
ROBERTO. (mopping) No! This is not stupid!
LINA. Well, whatever it is, it’s all you seem to care about.
You barely speak to me. All this time we’ve been here,
we have the same lunch break every day and you barely
speak to me.
ROBERTO. We’re speaking now!
LINA. It doesn’t count!
ROBERTO. (mopping more intensely now) Che cazzo ma queste
donne sono tutte uguali [women are all the same]. You’re
all the same. Women! They want you to listen, but not
too close. They want you to hear them but no respond.
Quindi se sei stupido [when you are stupid]...if you are
44 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

stupid like me...and don’t respond, they accuse you of

not listening!
LINA. You missed a spot.
ROBERTO. (furiously mopping the “missed’”spot) Per l’amor di
dio [For the love of God]! GOD FORBID if you do
respond, if you try to offer a suggestion: MORTO!
(ROBERTO throws the mop across the room in
disgust.)
(silence)
It’s not that I do not want to speak to you, Lina. I try to
speak…
LINA. (a realization) You did see me at market, didn’t you?
ROBERTO. Some things, eh…difficult to say.
(ROBERTO takes a moment to gather his courage
and then reaches into his back pocket to pull out
his notebook. He opens the book and then reads
aloud.)
On Fri…
(beat)
On Friday, you walk from the library, I notice your shoe
is not tied…but, eh, you do not tie it…
(to LINA)
You leave it this way for two hours, I remember this
clearly…
(returning to the journal)
And then, you see here on Tuesday…you…
(gesturing to her preferred table)
You have a book. And you sit with the morning light.
There is, eh…
(reading)
Juice, pancake—three pancake—oatmeal, grits, bacon,
sausage, eh…and eh…two eggs, over easy, on toast.
LINA. Holy shit.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 45

ROBERTO. (in agreement) This is a big breakfast.

LINA. (reaching for the journal) Please?
(ROBERTO holds tightly, but then relents.)
LINA. (reading aloud) You read Tennessee Williams,
something about a Cat on a Roof, I think maybe you
like cats…I like cats too…
(to ROBERTO)
You’ve been stalking me?
(long pause)
ROBERTO. Sí.
(LINA turns a few pages.)
LINA. (reading aloud) Did she see me? I do not know. I hide
behind the tomatoes…
(beat)
She walks down Canal Street. She eats a tangerine, the
color of her dress. It is the color of the sun and she lea—
she leaves me without air. Without the air to breathe.
I walk a step behind and hide in lonely doorways…
(LINA flips back to the first page of the book.)
(reading aloud)
Twenty-nine October, Lina works late. She looks ti –
(beat)
She looks tired. She looks…
(to ROBERTO)
Twenty-nine October. My birthday…
(ROBERTO nods.)
There was a cupcake…in my locker…
(ROBERTO nods. LINA is overcome.)
ROBERTO. (comforting) Ssshhh…shhh…shhh…
(silence)
46 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

Bella. You are not old. And you are not…

LINA. What?
ROBERTO. You have…fettuccine in your hair…but to me…
you are the most beautiful…I watch you every day from
the window. Bella. But, I cannot speak to you. It is a
long time I did not have the language. And, eh, the
years come, I begin to learn English, but still, I cannot
find these words. So, I…I put them nel libro [in the
book], on the paper. Maybe they mean something…
(beat)
Maybe they mean nothing, boh. I say too much. Mi
dispiace [I’m sorry].
(LINA reaches for his hand.)
Lina.
(beat)
I might…eh…fall into pieces.
(beat)
Speak to you? Lina…there is nothing in the whole
world I would rather do than speak to you…
(LINA kisses his hand.)
Except maybe to kiss you…kissing would be better, no?
(beat)
You are in my mind, all of the day and I cannot get rid
of you. It is you, Lina. You are the reason I stay. Capito?
(They kiss.)
LINA. Sí.
(They kiss once more.)
(Lights fade.)

End of Play
THE GULF

47
THE GULF was first produced in Silver Spring, Maryland, where it won
the 2010 Silver Spring Stage One-Act Festival. The production was
directed by Chris Curtis and the cast was as follows:

BETTY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erika Imhoof

KENDRA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Audrey Cefaly

THE GULF later debuted in New York, where it won the 2015 Samuel
French Off Off Broadway Short Play Festival. The play was directed by
Joseph Holmgren and stage managed by Emma Ruopp. The set was
designed by Sylvia Nicole Allan and the cast was as follows:

BETTY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Effie Johnson

KENDRA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carolyn Messina
 CHARACTERS
BETTY: An optimist. A thinker. Restless and tender-hearted.
KENDRA: A loner. Scrappy, dark, brutish and volatile.

SETTING
A fishing boat. Alabama delta.

TIME
Autumn, late evening.
 (On a quiet summer evening, somewhere down in
the Alabama Delta, KENDRA and BETTY troll the
flats looking for redfish.)
(KENDRA slowly reels in the line while BETTY
lies with her feet in KENDRA’s lap, reading What
Color is Your Parachute: A Practical Manual
for Job-Hunters and Career Changers.
KENDRA sighs…)
BETTY. What?
KENDRA. Nothin’ but rats.
BETTY. Huh?
KENDRA. Man…some scrawny rat reds tonight…
BETTY. Kinda bait you using?
KENDRA. Baby, if the fish ain’t bitin it ain’t cuz of the bait.
(beat)
It’s cuz they ain’t there.
BETTY. Wan’ go somewhere else?
KENDRA. Nope.
BETTY. Rosella was talking about over by Bottle Creek.
KENDRA. Bottle Creek?
BETTY. I told her we were comin’ out here.
(beat)
She was bein’ helpful.
KENDRA. Rosella has no idea about fishin’ and therefore
Rosella is not helpful.
BETTY. What’s wrong with Bottle Creek? Can’t fish in
Bottle Creek?
KENDRA. Yeah, for boots and dead bodies.
BETTY. I thought there was good fishin’ there.

51
52 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

KENDRA. Well there was, but not no more.

BETTY. How come?
KENDRA. BP Fuckers.
BETTY. BP?
KENDRA. That shit got in…choked it.
BETTY. Aw shit…
(beat)
You know…you got the whole Gulf of Mexico to fish in,
we always end up here.
KENDRA. What are you sayin’?
BETTY. Right here in the shallows, every time.
KENDRA. That’s the whole point.
BETTY. I don’t get it.
KENDRA. Exactly.
BETTY. What?
KENDRA. That’s where the—nevermind.
BETTY. No, tell me. Please.
KENDRA. Fish in the shallows, cuz that’s where the fish are.
(beat)
Reds like to fight, Betty, they fight…deep,shallow,
whatever, any water. But in the shallows, they get more
traction, see, the fight is bigger…more fun.
BETTY. For you, maybe.
(beat)
KENDRA. When did you talk to Rosella?
BETTY. Last night…
(beat)
It’s warm, idn’t it? I might hop in for a swim if I didn’t
think the gators would get me.
KENDRA. Assuming they’d want you.
(BETTY returns to reading her book.)
BETTY. (off KENDRA’s look) What?
KENDRA. Nothin’.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 53

BETTY. Why can’t I do what I want to do? You’re doin’ your
thing.
KENDRA. Fishin’ boat, not a library.
BETTY. I could fish if I wanted to, I ain’t in the mood.
(beat)
I know how to fish. I do!
KENDRA. When did you ever fish?
BETTY. When I was little. Caught my first fish when I was
eight years old. It counts! It does! Stop it, stop laughin’.
KENDRA. What’d you catch?
BETTY. Sunfish.
KENDRA. Sunfish?
BETTY. Little ole Sunfish. Daddy said to me, now Betty,
the rule is…you catch it, you gotta clean it. And then
I found out what cleaning was and I thought I don’t
want to have nothin’ to do with that.
KENDRA. So what’d you do?
BETTY. I just put him in the well, there, under the boat…
laid there watchin’ him. I can’t do it. I can’t do what
you do. You…gut those fish wide open like it’s nothin’.
That catfish last week, his little heart just floppin’ all
over the boat, why you reckon it does that?
(beat)
You caught that fish, took out the insides, the heart is
just layin’ there, it’s still beatin’, Kendra. The fuck…
why’st do that?
KENDRA. (playfully) Cuz it loves me. Even in death it loves
me. It’s what I got, I can’t help it.
(beat)
So what’d you do with him?
BETTY. Who?
KENDRA. Sunfish.
BETTY. Oh…umn…I just picked him up by his tail and put
him back in the water. He didn’t move none at first, he
54 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

just laid there, like he was dead or somethin. I put my

little finger on him and he made a ruckus and swam
off. Back to his family.
KENDRA. Back to his family.
BETTY. His family—whatever—you’re bein’ mean!
KENDRA. I ain’t bein’ mean. You always think I’m bein’
mean, I’m just listenin’.
(beat)
BETTY. Whatever.
KENDRA. Oh here we go…look at this asshole…
BETTY. Who is it?
KENDRA. Oh, my god. Will you look at that? What kinda
dumbass comes out to fish the flats in a shit-tub like
that…
(KENDRA tries to make out whose boat it is.)
(calling)
Duke?! What the fuck are you drivin’ man, you just
got paid or what? Oh, I’m sure the fish love it, they be
floatin’ up dead at the sight of it.
(to BETTY)
Stupid fuck.
(to Duke)
Man…you know what? You can make fun of my coon-
ass boat package all you want, but we’ll see who’s up by
the end of the night, won’t we? You should try up by
Bottle Creek…
BETTY. (overlapping) Kendra!
KENDRA. (continuing) Oh, hell yeah. Redfish, gars, trout,
whatever, fulla surprises, that Bottle Creek.
(beat)
Would I lie to you? Move along Duke, you’re spookin’
my fish…
(to BETTY)
Say goodbye Betty.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 55

(They lazily shoot the bird at Duke as his boat

rides by. KENDRA notices Thelma in the back of the
boat.)
KENDRA. (to Thelma) Hey Thelma!
(KENDRA turns to see that BETTY has pulled out
a small picnic basket and is assembling some fancy
fixings for a snack.)
KENDRA. What the fuck is that?
BETTY. (defensively) This is all the same food that you eat
every other day of the week, only today it is newly
configured into this creative combination for our little
fishing excursion.
KENDRA. You gon’ answer my question?
BETTY. Tapanade.
KENDRA. Tapanade.
BETTY. Olive tapanade. Garlic, capers, basil, lemon. All
chopped up.
KENDRA. OK, so…olives?
(They glare at each other, as if in a stand-off.
BETTY holds up another option…)
BETTY. Canapé.
KENDRA. That is not a can-a-paint or whatever the fuck
word you’re sayin’, that there is a Ritz cracker with
some kind of bullshit green distraction, something like
a Vienna (pron: Vai-yee-ner) sausage and a snot drop of
Cheez Whiz on top.
BETTY. Snot drop? That’s disgusting.
(beat)
Are you serious right now? You know what, you remind
me of like some kinda Neanderthal cave man except
without any of the social skills. Actually, I  take that
back. You are like a Neanderthal cave man with just
enough social skills to kind of blend in to your sewage
plant surroundings, but I would say even that is a bit of
a stretch.
(beat)
56 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BETTY. Hello?
(KENDRA busily digs into the cooler for another
beer.)
I don’t even know why I bother…
(BETTY starts packing up the food.)
…try to educate you…broaden your horizons, and you
are basically a twelve-year-old boy.
(beat)
What are you doing?
KENDRA. (busily doing something else) I  am over here not
giving a fuck about anything coming out of your mouth.
(beat)
BETTY. Do you listen to yourself when you talk? Do you
hear the things you say or—you know what, forget it.
(beat)
For the record, Kendra…that there is andouille sausage,
or maybe you’ve heard of it, arugula and fucking aged
Wisconsin cheddar, which looks nothing like the
barbaric mutation that is Cheez Whiz. Because A, it’s
not melted, and B, it’s just sitting there, not melted. If it
was Cheez Whiz—which it NEVER WILL BE—it would
look a little different, now wouldn’t it? It would look –
KENDRA. (overlapping—deadpan) Like a snot drop?
(beat)
BETTY. You see me here holding this piece of cheese,
Kendra? This is my kryptonite. I am immune to you
and all of your mean-spirited mental terroristics.
(BETTY pops the piece of cheese into her mouth,
staring at KENDRA defiantly as she chews it.)
KENDRA. That’s your kryptonite?
BETTY. Yep.
KENDRA. You’re ingesting your own kryptonite?
BETTY. Yep.
KENDRA. Just checkin’.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 57

BETTY. (regarding the cheese) God-DAMN that’s good.

(BETTY pulls out her book and resumes reading.)
(beat)
KENDRA. Oh, good. That’s good. Let’s read a book. Let’s
all read a book.
BETTY. (reading aloud) Theoretically, you could be just as happy
as a garbage collector.
(to KENDRA)
They have the least amount of stress as any job, you
know that? I read that someplace. And think about it.
What do they have to be stressed about anyway, except
maybe, you know, some maggots and dead rats and
whatnot?
KENDRA. I don’t know.
BETTY. And you know what…I bet after a couple weeks even
the maggots would just be routine, whaddya reckon?
Alright, now here is a list of possible occupations,
however, this is in no way—here it says—no way intended
to be a definitive list, but more a list of suggestions based upon
your core competencies and desires.
(beat)
I’ll just read the list.
KENDRA. (seriously annoyed) Please.
BETTY. (reading) Prison guard.
(beat)
KENDRA. Prison guard?
BETTY. Yep.
KENDRA. (incredulous) You added my whole life up on that
worksheet there and that’s what came out?
BETTY. I may have added a few ideas of my own.
KENDRA. Like prison guard…
BETTY. Yeah, like prison guard yes, like a lotta things, are
you gonna keep an open mind or maybe we’ll just quit
all this, how bout that? This book helped me, K. It’s how
58 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

come I know what I wanna be now, and before I was

just driftin around and whatnot.
KENDRA. Good for you.
(beat)
BETTY. Are you jealous of me?
KENDRA. (increasingly frustrated) Could we be more
different? I wonder.
BETTY. Well, what does that mean?
KENDRA. Look, this is your dream, not mine, this social
working whatever, and I want you to go to school. I do.
I’m proud of you…
BETTY. (overlapping) Why won’t you come with me?
KENDRA. We have been through this.
BETTY. It’s junior college, not forever.
KENDRA. Exactly.
BETTY. Well, I don’t like the idea of us bein’ apart, do you?
(beat)
Hello?
KENDRA. What?
BETTY. You gotta see the world sometime. What are you
gonna do, fish the rest of your life?
KENDRA. Well, I don’t know, is it on the list? Why do I need
a parachute, anyway? What the fuck is that?
BETTY. It’s not an actual parachute.
KENDRA. Just a pretend parachute.
BETTY. It’s a metaphor. Do you remember me tellin’ you
that about twenty minutes ago?
KENDRA. Uh…I think I’d remember a pretend parachute.
BETTY. Well, I  guess so, especially when you’re stuck
somewhere WITHOUT IT!
(digging in)
Welder. Mechanic. Dairy Queen Manager. That was a
test…to see if you were listenin’, are you listenin?
KENDRA. (overlapping) Yes, god, yes!
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 59

BETTY. Wedding planner.

KENDRA. Fuck off!
BETTY. Mortician.
(beat)
What?
KENDRA. Mortician?
BETTY. You can thank me for that one.
KENDRA. Mortician?
BETTY. Only because I  know how much you like dead
people.
(KENDRA stares at BETTY as if she has three
heads.)
That’s how come you watch that show all the time, with
the “Y” incision.
KENDRA. Dr. G –
(beat)
Dr. G…is not a mortician, Betty. Dr. G is a medical
examiner for the city of Orlando—that’s a good one,
actually, medical examiner, write that down—and
I  don’t watch that show for the dead people, okay,
I told you that.
BETTY. (playfully) Have you got a crush on Dr. G?
KENDRA. Just write it down!
(BETTY freezes for a moment, retracing their steps.)
BETTY. Oh, shoot. I got that kryptonite thing backwards,
huh?
KENDRA. Yep.
BETTY. Shit.
(BETTY notices KENDRA’s knife laying nearby.
She picks it up and turns it over in her hands,
caressing the blade. KENDRA is wildly aroused by
this…)
KENDRA. You gon’ cut me open?
60 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BETTY. I was thinkin’ about it…

KENDRA. Let’s do it.
BETTY. (staring at the blade) How long does a fish heart keep
beatin’after you…ya know…
KENDRA. 3.2 seconds.
BETTY. 3.2 seconds?
KENDRA. I don’t know Betty! I never counted, Jesus Chist
with the fish hearts!!
BETTY. Don’t be mean.
KENDRA. I’m not bein’ mea—stop trippin’—give me the
knife!
(beat)
I want you to stop thinking.
BETTY. Why?
KENDRA. Because when you think, I’m miserable!
BETTY. Why won’t you think about it? You been sayin’ you
need a change, you been sayin’ you hate it here.
KENDRA. It’s just talk.
BETTY. No it ain’t.
KENDRA. It’s only 100 miles away, Betty. What’s the big deal
anyway?
BETTY. Well it just seems to me you ain’t happy and maybe
this could be a shot at something different, something
good.
KENDRA. Could we move on, please, to some topic I give a
shit about? I ain’t gon’ choose my calling offa some list
you got from a self-help book.
BETTY. This is a career-path workbook, Kendra. What color
is your parachute?
KENDRA. Red.
BETTY. It is not red. It is not at all red, and if you had been
listenin’, you would know that. We are on chapter nine,
Kendra. Geography of the Heart.
KENDRA. Is that the last chapter? I sure hope it is.
BETTY. (overlapping) You are being obtuse.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 61

KENDRA. Absolutely, I’m being obtuse –

BETTY. (overlapping) Do you even know what that means –
KENDRA. I would love to know what that means!
BETTY. It means somebody who is smarter than hell, but
who is set on pretending to be dumber than shit so
maybe nothing is ever expected of ’em and then they
don’t have to do anything but sit around and fish for
all eternity. How’s that sound?
KENDRA. (beat) Is that a trick question?
BETTY. Do you have a plan? For your future?
KENDRA. Will you stop?
BETTY. Do you?
KENDRA. I had a plan. Yeah. I had a plan to do a little drum
fishin’, maybe catch a bull red or two and not have to
deal with ridiculous questions and psychotic-analysis,
how’s that for a plan?!
BETTY. (overlapping) I will never understand you.
KENDRA. Thank GOD for that!
BETTY. Open…your mind!
KENDRA. To what?
BETTY. The future.
KENDRA. I have a job.
BETTY. That’s not a job…
(beat)
You work at a sewage plant.
KENDRA. Oh, and your job is saving lives, I guess. Is that it?
BETTY. Well, yeah, actually, it is, if you wanna know. I do
save a life from time to time. Jenny Jessup gave me
some of her nitro pills to keep under the bar, just
yesterday afternoon, in case she ever goes into cardiac
arrest. I keep a box of condoms under there, Trojans…
for Bobby Lee, right next to the margarita mix and the
rock salt. Swear to god, it’s a damn pharmacy under
there. You wouldn’t believe the shit I see. These folks,
they come in there…half of ’em want to get laid, half
62 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

of ’em want to get drunk and the other half just need
to talk. And it ain’t in my job description, but I do it,
cuz that’s what bartenders do…they listen. I listen to
’em and you know what I hear?
(beat)
Desperation. Quiet desperation. So quiet, only dogs can
hear. In the eyes, the shaky voice. Starin’ down at the
ice cubes in the glass, like readin’ tea leaves or some
shit. I pour ’em one on the house, I look ’em square in
the eye, and I ask ’em the same thing I’m askin’ you.
(beat)
Oh, come on K, can’t you open your mind and think
about it. I mean is it really that hard to imagine? No,
seriously. If you could be anything at all in the whole
wide world, what would it be?
KENDRA. Alone.
BETTY. Oh, shut up. You couldn’t be alone no more than
I could. You can’t even sleep with the light off.
KENDRA. I’m afraid of the dark now, is that it?
BETTY. Afraid of somethin’…
KENDRA. (overlapping) Oh my god!
BETTY. You sleep with the light on…you fish in the
shallows…
KENDRA. And you speak Chinese, the fuck are you talking
about? I’m…I’m afraid to live or some shit?
BETTY. Maybe. Maybe you are.
KENDRA. And you don’t know how to sit still, how about
that? Nothing’s ever good enough for you, is it? We
came out here to fish. But you never fish, Betty.
BETTY. Yes, I do.
KENDRA. (overlapping) You don’t. And you don’t want to
learn, either, you just want to sit there with your books
and your papers and whatnot, and rearrange my life
to make it fit yours in some magical futuristic happy
place that exists—where? I don’t know, in your mind,
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 63

maybe? Meanwhile, I’m doin’ it. I’m taking part in

the miraculousness of life, Betty. REAL LIFE. Where
folks catch fish, rip their FUCKING guts out and then
eat ’em. And they don’t think twice about it and you
wanna know why? Cuz it’s just FISHIN’!
BETTY. Do you love me?
KENDRA. (a warning) I’m ’on lose it.
BETTY. Do you?
(inching closer and closer to KENDRA)
Sex ed teacher…underwear model…massage therapist.
KENDRA. Yes. I love you.
BETTY. I love you too.
(They kiss. KENDRA pulls open the folds of BETTY’s
blouse to kiss her neck…)
KENDRA. You smell like roses…
BETTY. Mmn…
KENDRA. Wait.
BETTY. God I love you.
KENDRA. What is that?
BETTY. What?
KENDRA. What is that smell?
(beat)
I fuckin’ knew it.
BETTY. K…
KENDRA. You been up to Butler county, hadn’t you? You
been up there with her? And now you’re sittin here
with me, parachute bullshit trying to straighten out my
fucking life. That is some fantastic shit.
BETTY. I was putting an end to it.
KENDRA. In person? God. FUCK! I’m such an asshole.
BETTY. It’s not what you think.
KENDRA. (mimicking) I’ve changed, K, I’ve changed.
BETTY. I have.
64 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

KENDRA. Oh, please. You are still the same slut I met at
Mardi Gras.
BETTY. Yeah, well you took to it pretty quick as I recall.
KENDRA. What are you gonna do, Betty?
BETTY. About what?
KENDRA. About your fucking life! You can’t keep that shit
locked up for two seconds? Howlin’ all over town like
some bitch in heat. And you stink too, Betty, by the
way. You need some feminine hygiene. All our time
together, six years I  gave you, took you back, took
the BITCH back, WHY? Why the fuck did I—junior
college?! I’m gon’ pack up my shit and go with you to
junior college?! That is fuckin hilarious. I’m done. I am
beyond done.
(KENDRA grabs BETTY’s backpack. BETTY reaches
to take it from her.)
LEAVE IT! Leave it.
(menacing)
Get outta the boat.
BETTY. K…
KENDRA. Get. Out. Of the boat.
(beat)
What?! What the hell do you want from me? Can’t you
tell I hate you? Can’t you tell I hate your fat ass?!
BETTY. No you don’t.
KENDRA. Oh, I do! I do! You are killin’ me. I want you to
go. I want you to just get your shit and go…PLEASE.
I can’t do this no more. You wanna know the truth? I’m
glad you’re leavin’. I been wantin’ you to leave since
July! You are bad for me…you are bad for my soul,
Betty.
( KENDRA starts throwing BETTY ’s things
overboard.)
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 65

BETTY. KENDRA.
K, please, stop, stop… Out…get out…out, out,
out…
BETTY. K! I love you!
(KENDRA looks at BETTY a moment and then
violently pushes her overboard.)
KENDRA. OUT!
(KENDRA grabs whatever she can find and begins
throwing it all at BETTY who is floundering in the
shallows behind the boat.)
KENDRA. OUT, out, out!!!! And take this psycho-shit with
you.
Maybe there’s a chapter in there about skanks and the
morons that love ’em.
(KENDRA throws the book overboard.)
Where’s that parachute now, BITCH?! That ought to
break ya, huh? Egg-suckin’ dog.
(KENDRA collapses exhausted into a heap inside
the boat.)
Damn Betty. You wear me out!
(long silence)
(The soaking wet book flies back into the boat.
KENDRA remains motionless. A hand reaches up
and grabs the side of the boat, then another, then a
foot, as BETTY crawls back in.)
(silence)
BETTY. Kendra…
KENDRA. (a lifeless syllable) Hmn…
BETTY. I  think maybe you have some pent-up hostility
toward me.
KENDRA. How’d you guess that?
BETTY. I’m sorry, K.
KENDRA. (a whisper) Why do you do it?
66 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BETTY. What?
KENDRA. Why do you do it?
BETTY. I  wish I  knew. I  ain’t never been any other way.
I  could never understand it myself ’til that time my
cousin told me I had codependence. And then I started
to think on it and that’s when I realized maybe she was
right ’cuz it did seem like I had somethin’ wrong with
me to where I always needed somebody, you know, like
the thought of being by myself was…do you hate me?
KENDRA. (numb) Yeah.
(Childlike, BETTY rather shakily situates herself
in the boat and leans back to look up at the night
sky.)
BETTY. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. This one has
a little star, this one has a little car, say what a lot of fish
there are.
(beat)
You ever sit and think about your life in reverse…like
back to that second when it was all just exactly the way
you dreamt it could be?
KENDRA. No.
BETTY. You walked into the Judge Roy Bean’s on Fat
Tuesday. ’Member that? I was sittin’ there at the bar
and I  looked up and saw you…holy shit. Leather
jacket…snake-skin boots. Thirty pounds of Mardi Gras
beads hanging off that rack of yours. How’s you get all
them beads anyway?
KENDRA. Offa some Baylor boys…
BETTY. Baylor?
KENDRA. I  just went up to a group of Baylor boys and
I asked real nice.
BETTY. What you say?
KENDRA. Hand ’em over.
BETTY. And they just gave ’em up, huh. Just like that.
KENDRA. Yep.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 67

BETTY. Out of the kindness of their hearts.

KENDRA. (overlapping) Yep.
BETTY. You had your tits out didn’t ya?
KENDRA. All the way out.
BETTY. You flashed ’em good, didn’t ya? I’m surprised they
didn’t go blind.
KENDRA. Few of ’em did.
BETTY. That was it for me. That night. I know I’d never
love nobody like you. And I hadn’t. All these years.
KENDRA. I just wish I was enough.
BETTY. You are.
KENDRA. You are so ridiculous.
BETTY. What?
KENDRA. That’s the difference between us. You ain’t never
gon’ be happy with me.
BETTY. I –
KENDRA. No. Face it.
(beat)
We gotta go…
BETTY. Go where?
(BETTY touches KENDRA’s hand…)
You’ve always had the prettiest hands…
(beat)
I feel like we’re disappearin’…
KENDRA. Sssshhh. Let’s just sit here for a while. Tide starts
movin’…we’ll catch a few.
(beat)
I’m sorry about what I said…
BETTY. About what?
KENDRA. Feminine hygiene.
BETTY. Oh.
KENDRA. You smell good to me.
(beat)
68 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BETTY. 3.2 seconds…

KENDRA. I just made that up.
BETTY. I know you did. But…how long, though. If you had
to guess…how long before it stops.
KENDRA. Maybe a minute…
(beat)
BETTY. A whole minute? Wow. Does it just stop or does it
slow down and then stop.
KENDRA. Slows down a bit.
BETTY. Why does it do that…
KENDRA. What’s that?
BETTY. Why does it keep beating like that…
(beat)
KENDRA. Habit.
(silence)
(KENDRA drinks down the last drop of her beer and
tosses her can into the corner of the boat. She casts
her line once more into the shallows.)
BETTY. Pet psychic. Meter maid. Dental hygienist.
STUCK

69
STUCK was first produced in Silver Spring, Maryland, where it won
the 2011 Silver Spring Stage One-Act Festival. It subsequently won the
Maryland One-Act Festival and the Eastern States One-Act Festival that
same season. The production was directed by Audrey Cefaly and the cast
was as follows:

MAGGIE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrea Spitz

BOB . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jose Guzman
 CHARACTERS
BOB: neurotic, self-conscious, a people-pleaser.
MAGGIE: decisive and charismatic.

SETTING
Maggie’s apartment, an eclectic explosion of color, one that says “life.”

TIME
Early evening.
 (AT RISE: Lights up. Curtain music continues over
a prelude.)
(MAGGIE enters her living room. She is barefoot
and wears a lovely summer dress. She anxiously
straightens the pillows on the sofa and goes to peer
out a window for something. She exits back into the
bedroom.)
( BOB enters the street outside MAGGIE ’s
apartment…he has a note in his hand. He is
looking for an apartment. He is lost. He looks
around, confused. He exits off.)
( MAGGIE re-enters, now wearing heels and
adjusting an earring. She leaves a newspaper on
the table and checks once more out of the window.
She scurries off.)
(BOB re-enters the street, this time more convinced
of the address. He checks his note…compares it
with the house number, stuffs the note in his pocket,
straightens his jacket and summons the courage to
knock on the door.)
(Music fades, as…)
MAGGIE. It’s open!
(BOB attempts the door. It is stuck. He knocks
tentatively again.)
It’s open!!!
(BOB struggles once more with the door, but this
time it’s personal: man against door. MAGGIE
enters the living room and goes to the door. She
struggles with the door from the inside as BOB
struggles from the outside.)

73
74 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

MAGGIE. It’s open…or is it…is it stuck?

(The door opens. BOB stumbles in.)
Ah, yes, you have to…there’s a trick to it.
BOB. I was invested…I was…so close!
(They hug nervously.)
MAGGIE. How are you?
BOB. I’m good!
MAGGIE. (a greeting) Bob!
BOB. That…you look…
MAGGIE. Too much for a second date?
BOB. Is this our second date, I guess it is, huh? Feels like
a first.
MAGGIE. Oh, I know, right? Coffee was nice, but this is…
sort of…real…
BOB. Exactly. You look amazing.
MAGGIE. It’s a thrift store dress.
BOB. It’s beautiful…you’re…beautiful…
(She blushes.)
(Regarding the house.)
BOB. Wow…
MAGGIE. Isn’t it great? The windows…all the light.
BOB. It is…it’s great.
MAGGIE. I fell in love with it instantly. I moved in last
summer, had it painted…unpacked…three days later.
BOB. So quick.
MAGGIE. Yeah, ya know, I’m a very decisive person…so.
I  promised myself after the divorce I would be…we
can say that word, right, divorce…yeah. Well, life’s too
short to be…wishy washy.
BOB. Right!
MAGGIE. I think that’s why I was so attracted to you, Bob.
You seem like such a decisive person.
BOB. I am. I am!!
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 75

MAGGIE. To tell you the truth Bob, a decisive man…

BOB. …decisive…
MAGGIE. …a man who isn’t afraid to take risks…
BOB. …risks…
MAGGIE. …really turns me on.
BOB. (decisively—deadpan) I could not agree more.
MAGGIE. Is it hot in here?
BOB. Stifling.
MAGGIE. Something cold?
BOB. Yep.
MAGGIE. To drink?
BOB. Yep.
MAGGIE. OK.
BOB. I would definitely like something cold to drink.
Definitely.
MAGGIE. (highly aroused) Don’t. Go. Anywhere.
(MAGGIE exits to the kitchen and BOB exhales for
the first time since entering the apartment. He is on
fire, pensive and nervous, eager to play along with
the decisive man routine. He removes his jacket to
cool off.)
(from offstage)
MAGGIE. I thought maybe we could get some coffee and
then head out to the movie.
BOB. Sounds perfect.
MAGGIE. (from offstage) The movie section is on the table
there. Do you see it?
BOB. Yeah.
MAGGIE. (from offstage) Which movie did you want to see?
BOB. (panicked—buying time as he skims through the movie
listing) What’s that?
MAGGIE. (from offstage) Which movie?
(BOB locates the newspaper and scrambles to pick
one at random.)
76 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BOB. (calling) “Memoirs of a Geisha.”

(to himself) Shaa…shit.
(Long pause. MAGGIE enters.)
MAGGIE. …“Memoirs of a Geisha”?
BOB. At the Uptown?
MAGGIE. (suspicious) …“Memoirs of a Geisha”?
BOB. Definitely.
MAGGIE. Really?
BOB. Yep.
MAGGIE. Are you sure?
BOB. Positive.
MAGGIE. That’s kind of a…chick flick.
BOB. (a million meanings) Is it?
MAGGIE. (handing him his drink) Are you patronizing me?
BOB. Patronizing…No. No!
MAGGIE. (somewhat defensively—self-conscious) Huh. I mean,
I don’t claim to be a professor of literature or quote
poetry all the time like some people I know, but I know
a few things.
BOB. I really want to see it.
MAGGIE. (suspiciously) OK…
(MAGGIE takes a small sip of her water, BOB
drinks most of his in the first gulp. MAGGIE is
amused. She smiles at him. He smiles nervously
back.)
“Memoirs of a Geisha”…
BOB. “Memoirs of a Geisha.”
MAGGIE. You surprise me more and more Bob. I feel like
there is this connection between us…do you feel it?
BOB. I do. Even before our first date…in that stupid chat
box, ya know, I felt it. I did.
MAGGIE. Me too.
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 77

BOB. (calculating) I feel…no…I believe…when you see

something you want…something you really want…you
should –
MAGGIE. Take it…
(MAGGIE breathes in sharply. She moves a few
inches toward BOB. He moves a few inches closer
to her.)
BOB. Otherwise…if you hesitate…
MAGGIE. Yeah…
BOB. …if you…hesitate…
MAGGIE. (breathless) …yeah…
BOB. Poof.
(MAGGIE snaps out of her trance and laughs
nervously, but her heart is racing a mile a minute.)
MAGGIE. Bob…
BOB. Maggie…
MAGGIE. I have an idea.
BOB. (turned on) Ideas…are so…good.
MAGGIE. This may seem a bit forward…
BOB. Nah…
MAGGIE. I mean I know we’ve only just met and all…
BOB. Yeah.
MAGGIE. But I would really like to do something to you…I
don’t think it’s too soon…but if you think it is…or if
you’re not into it, you know, you can just say…Maggie,
I’m not into it, and I would totally understand.
BOB. (disbelieving—laughing softly) Not into it…OK.
MAGGIE. We could even have a safe word.
BOB. (slightly nervous—but smiling all the same) A safe word?
MAGGIE. In case things get out of hand.
BOB. Out of hand. Heh.
MAGGIE. Close your eyes.
BOB. (He closes his eyes.) Close my eyes.
MAGGIE. Don’t move.
78 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BOB. (dying) Nope!

(MAGGIE removes her earring from her ear and
places it in BOB’s hand. He feels it, recognizes it.)
MAGGIE. Will you let me pierce your ear Bob?
BOB. (opens his eyes widely) My –
MAGGIE. (covering his mouth with her hand) Before you
answer…I want you to know…I think piercings are
like…the most profound statement of self that a person
can make to the world. Well, aside from tattoos, which
I adore…but that will come later.
BOB. (muffled) Later?
MAGGIE. And I just think…I just think…we have such a
close connection already Bob…
(moving closer)
and you can totally say no, if you want, but I really do
think…
(even closer)
I think it could be the beginning of something totally
amazing between you and me, and I…
(They come inches from kissing…)
BOB. Let’s do it!
MAGGIE. Really?
BOB. Absolutely.
MAGGIE. Oh, Bob, do you mean it?
BOB. Quickly.
MAGGIE. (elated) Ohh!!! OH, wow! Oh, oh my gosh, OK.
Oh…you will not regret this. I promise. OK, let me just
go get my needles!
(clapping)
YAY!
(MAGGIE exits for supplies.)
BOB. (calling weakly—more to himself) Needles?
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 79

MAGGIE. (from offstage) I thought about getting one of those

kits.
(BOB gulps down all of his water and then drinks
down all of MAGGIE’s.)
BOB. (through the gulping) Mnn hmn…
MAGGIE. (from offstage) But then I figured, I have everything
I need right here, why bother with the expense.
BOB. Why bother. You didn’t mention the piercings…in
your profile.
MAGGIE. (from offstage) I didn’t?
BOB. No. No, I don’t think you did.
MAGGIE. (ftom offstage) I probably should have. I bet it
would totally scare some men.
BOB. I bet it would.
MAGGIE. (from offstage) But not you Bob!
BOB. (to himself) Not me…
(MAGGIE breezes through the living room to the
kitchen.)
MAGGIE. I just have to get a towel for the blood.
(BOB collapses forward, head between knees,
hyperventilating.)
MAGGIE. (from offstage) You OK in there?
BOB. (calling) Great!
MAGGIE. (from offstage) You can turn on some music if you
want.
BOB. (calling) I’m good!
(to himself—wiping his sweaty palms)
I’m good. I’m good. I’m not good…not good, this is
not good. Not good.
MAGGIE. (entering with supplies) I’m back!
BOB. Oh good!
MAGGIE. (beaming) You are so cute!
80 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BOB. (petrified though smiling broadly) And you are sooo…

prepared.
MAGGIE. Oh, yes! Of course, prepared! Hello. OK, you hold
this. Just put this over your lap. Oh, by the way, are you
a bleeder?
BOB. A bleeder?
MAGGIE. Well, you know some people bleed a lot. I tend to
clot pretty easily, but everyone’s different.
BOB. Uh, I would say, yeah, I’m probably a…
MAGGIE. A bleeder?
BOB. Yeah.
MAGGIE. Hey, it doesn’t bother me any! Kind of adds to the
experience if you know what I mean!
(MAGGIE arranges all of her supplies…and brings
them out of her tool box in order of pain-infliction
capability. A bottle of alcohol, a razor…)
BOB. (looking at all the tools) …adds to the…experience.
MAGGIE. And now for my secret weapon.
(She pulls a red bliss potato out of her pocket.)
BOB. Produce!
MAGGIE. Red Bliss!
BOB. (smiling) That is…that’s a potato.
(MAGGIE quickly gets to the task of cleaning his
ear and the needle with the alcohol.)
MAGGIE. I got my first piercing when I was thirteen. I had
wanted a piercing for so long…ever since Jenny Bartell
had one in the third grade and I thought, I want to be
just like Jenny and I begged my mom, I begged and
begged. And she said Mags, if you make straight A’s all
semester, on the day you turn thirteen, I’ll take you to
get it done. So…all winter long I thought about it…
and all through the spring. And Jenny and I snuck
over to JC Penny and hid behind the makeup counter
so she could point out the earring lady with the ruby
lips. Even in that lab coat, you could tell she had really
AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 81

great tits but Jenny said they were bought with Daddy’s
money. And I remember wondering what kind of dad
would buy his daughter fake tits. Well…anyway…I got
my grades up…even in civics which almost killed me,
but I did the extra credit work and got an A minus,
which is still an A, no matter who you argue with and
I would have fought it too, only Mom said…straight A’s,
Maggie, I’m just so proud.
(MAGGIE has an emotional moment remembering
her mother. MAGGIE puts the potato behind his ear
and takes his hand and puts it on the potato to
hold it in place.)
What a day it was!
(MAGGIE jams the needle into his ear like a skilled
surgeon.)
There we go. Woop…hold the towel.
(MAGGIE quickly removes the potato and pushes
the towel up to his ear. She continues with the story
and does not see the look of agony on BOB’s face.)
And I wasn’t scared at all. It did hurt a little, but I didn’t
care. Then the lady with the ruby lips asked me, little
girl, which earring do you want and I looked down at
all the shiny little gemstones and I thought…how will
I ever decide…
(to BOB)
You OK?
(BOB gives MAGGIE a “thumbs up” though she
still cannot see his face because the towel is in the
way. He begins clutching at the afghan.)
…but there was one little blue sapphire off to one
side…with a tiny rose petal wrapped around it, and
I thought it looked just like how I felt inside…and you
know, a piercing should really be a reflection of you…
right? Otherwise, why do it?
82 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

BOB. Why do it?

(MAGGIE pulls the towel away from BOB’s ear.)
MAGGIE. Oh, wow! You are a bleeder! I’m surprised it
didn’t hurt more! Aren’t you surprised?
BOB. Oh, I’m surprised!
MAGGIE. (applying alcohol) You OK?
BOB. I’m great.
MAGGIE. There we go…now it won’t get infected.
BOB. (in agony but hiding it) What a relief.
(She puts the earring in his ear and sits back and
admires her work.)
MAGGIE. Oh, wow. Wow.
(She holds the mirror up so he can see it. He smiles
broadly to make her happy. She looks at him. He
smiles at her.)
Thank you. Thank you for trusting me.
BOB. No problem.
(MAGGIE begins to exit…while wiping her needle.)
MAGGIE. Does it hurt?
BOB. No, no, nope…not at all…
MAGGIE. (from offstage) Well that’s good!
(BOB goes into an apoplectic John Ritter fit of
pain…flopping over furniture as if being chased
by bees.)
I am just amazed at how well that went. Aren’t you?
BOB. Yep.
MAGGIE. You wanna go for coffee?
(BOB trips over something, wounding himself even
further.)
BOB. Coffee…
MAGGIE. (from offstage) What’s that?
BOB. (more an expletive than a noun) Coffee!
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 83

(BOB collapses onto the sofa into a fetal position,

slowly cocooning himself into the afghan.)
MAGGIE. (from offstage) Great!
(entering)
Bob! Are you—what is it?
BOB. Pain. So much pain.
MAGGIE. It’s hurting?
BOB. I think I broke your sofa.
MAGGIE. What did you…what…
BOB. This blanket is very soft…
MAGGIE. Bob…
BOB. I just wanted you to like me.
MAGGIE. What?
BOB. (weakly—as if losing consciousness) Where am I?
MAGGIE. Bob! BOB!
BOB. Maggie…
MAGGIE. What’s happening? It’s not bleeding, are you…
BOB. Not bleeding…
MAGGIE. No, it’s not bleeding…
BOB. Afraid…
MAGGIE. Afraid?
BOB. Afraid of…
MAGGIE. Of…
BOB. Afraid of…everything.
MAGGIE. Everything?
BOB. Needles. Potatoes. Chick flicks, those, too.
MAGGIE. Chick flicks?
BOB. I was just trying to…I wanted you to like me.
MAGGIE. Bob…what are you…
BOB. The truth is…
MAGGIE. What…
BOB. You scare the SHIT outta me.
84 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

MAGGIE. I scare you…wait…what?

(beat)
I came on too strong. The needle, the piercings…oh,
god. Why didn’t you say something?
BOB. I come from weak people.
MAGGIE. Oh, my god, I’m mortified.
BOB. No, it’s OK.
MAGGIE. This is not right, Bob, you should have stopped
me!
BOB. I should have.
MAGGIE. (She smacks him hard with the nearest pillow.) What
were you thinking?
BOB. I –
MAGGIE. Damnit Bob! So not cool!
BOB. I’m sorry…
MAGGIE. (She begins pummeling him with the pillow.) Really?
Really, Bob? Am I that frightening? She’s a freak—stay
back, there’s no telling –
BOB. (overlapping) Stop it! You’re not frightening…you’re
just…big.
MAGGIE. BIG?
BOB. (overlapping—hastily—covering) Personality. Big
personality.
(beat)
MAGGIE. Really feeling the love here, Bob…
BOB. No…you’re not getting it…you’re not…just…you’re
beautiful and smart and yes, charismatic…I love all
those things about you…
MAGGIE. You do?
BOB. Yes. I do. I’m just trying to keep up…
(silence)
MAGGIE. (suddenly very self-aware, sheepish) I don’t mean
to be terrifying, that’s not even me, shit, I was just
responding to—I thought you were into it!
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 85

BOB. (softly) I was.

(beat)
Well, not technically.
(beat)
Not really at all, actually. But I liked your story. I didn’t
want to disappoint you.
MAGGIE. But Bob…that’s…that’s not what I…I don’t want
a man to…to…bleed for me, I want him to…I want…
(beat)
Fuck. I knew I’d screw this up!
BOB. No…
MAGGIE. I’m no good at this…
BOB. Neither am I! You know how many coffee dates I’ve
had this month? Twelve! I repel people!
MAGGIE. Oh, please.
BOB. They know me at Starbucks, they make a drink just
for me. It’s half vodka.
MAGGIE. That’s not true!
BOB. OK, I bring the vodka.
MAGGIE. Good idea!
BOB. There’s no rule, Maggie. There’s no one way or the
wrong way, you can do it all wrong and it’ll still be OK.
MAGGIE. You don’t talk like other guys
BOB. No?
MAGGIE. No.
BOB. What do they say?
MAGGIE. “Later.”
BOB. Oh, I know that one.
MAGGIE. I’m sorry I screwed it all up.
BOB. OK, first of all, even if we never work out, or screw
everything up, right—all the things—it would take
both of us working together to do that, so stop it. And
second of all, even after all that, I would still want to sit
here with you.
86 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

MAGGIE. Why?
BOB. Because I like you, Maggie. You’re real. And funny.
And high on some cocktail that reads like…like joy and
hope and that…condition people get when their heart
is too big.
(beat)
I want to be close to that. I want to be close to you.
MAGGIE. You do?
BOB. I’m here, Maggie. I’m still here. You stabbed me in
the head and I’m still here.
(BOB holds out his hand to her. They sit.)
(silence)
MAGGIE. You have blood on your shirt.
(BOB inspects the stain.)
BOB. Oh, actually, that’s hot sauce.
MAGGIE. (amused) You’re nice.
(beat)
(looking down at her feet) Hmm. I forgot to paint my
fourth and fifth toenail.
(silence)
I feel like that little tree in the middle of the forest…
all the other trees get cut down around it…and it’s still
sitting there…all by itself…crooked and lonely…and
you look at it and you think, what a silly…little…tree.
But it’s still a tree. It’s still a tree, it’s just…out of place
in the place where it’s always been. Like…getting out of
prison and discovering cell phones and…decent people.
(He pulls her close.)
Sometimes I feel…
BOB. Shh…
MAGGIE. I feel…
(He holds her.)
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 87

BOB. It’s OK…

MAGGIE. I feel…
BOB. Maggie.
MAGGIE. I just want to feel normal again…
BOB. (tenderly) Normal. I don’t even know what that is.
What is that anyway? Normal. Is that like saying not
good, not bad, somewhere in the middle with a healthy
degree of self-loathing? And is that with or without the
medication?
MAGGIE. (emphatically) With.
BOB. They should just call it what it is…it’s not normal…
it’s not high, it’s not low, it’s just…mediocre, it’s just
middle. That’s the ideal now, that’s what we’re aiming
for…don’t cry, don’t sulk, or sink into any abysses of
any kind, don’t stand out, or raise any flags or alarms
or think of anything brilliant or scream or violently
shred anything into tiny pieces, just follow the crowd
and blend. Once a day, in the morning, with food.
MAGGIE. (lifeless) My cat is on Zoloft. She had trouble
adjusting to the new surroundings. I couldn’t argue
with her. Isn’t this a great date?
BOB. What is the worst part of internet dating?
MAGGIE. The people?
BOB. (in agreement) Right? Right?? You know the drill! Some
far away coffee house, not local of course, far enough
away so they can’t stalk you later. No last names, no first
names, no phone numbers, too risky, just a note, a time
and a place…and maybe, if you’re lucky…eventually,
she’s sitting there across the table looking remotely like
her (air quotes) “recent” profile pic, and she’s talking…
and she’s talking…and you think…how old am I…or…
wow, I thought I was bad off…or…she’s way out of my
league and she knows it. Any minute now she’s gonna
bolt. She’ll have some appointment she forgot about or
some conveniently timed text message from the friend
she has on standby if it all goes bad. And me wishing I
had a standby…waiting with a shotgun to put me out
of my misery.
88 LOVE IS A BLUE TICK HOUND

MAGGIE. (lifeless) We could make a suicide pact.

BOB. (shaking his head) I’m not reliable.
(They share a laugh.)
MAGGIE. Do you think I’m out of your league?
(beat)
BOB. No. I thought so at first…but now I think you’re just
like me. When I first saw your profile…I was just…
blown away. So pretty, that picture, where has she been,
can she spell, oh, look, commas. And then when I saw
you in person, I thought…
MAGGIE. What?
BOB. I thought…you looked like some angel…I wanted
to…well, I wanted to not fuck it up, basically.
MAGGIE. Bob. I don’t want you to be scared of me.
BOB. I’m not –
MAGGIE. (overlapping) No listen…seriously…at the movie
theater, I eat the average amount of popcorn and
I turn off my cell phone and I’ve never been shooshed.
Ever. And…on long walks I don’t…I don’t trip joggers
or run into traffic…
BOB. So what if you did…what if you did? I can’t even
parallel park. You think I don’t come into this with
my own pile of shit? Everyone’s fucked up, Maggie.
Everyone. I’m damaged. You’re damaged.
MAGGIE. I think I’m more damaged.
BOB. OK, whatever…we’re both damaged, right? But,
we’re here now, and we’re broken, so we deal with it.
I feel…inadequate, too nerdy, you feel lost…you feel…
like a…what is it…a little tree in the woods…identity
crisis…this I can deal with. But let’s agree…OK…let’s
agree right here and now…to just do us. BE us.
MAGGIE. You think the little tree has an identity crisis?
BOB. Identity crisis, whatever, no, actually, you know what?
I think that little tree is perfect. Perfect and waiting.
Oh, little tree. Who found you in the green forest and were you
 AND OTHER REMEDIES FOR THE COMMON ACHE 89

very sorry to come away? E.E. Cummings. I don’t know all

of it.
MAGGIE. Who?
BOB. It’s a story…a poem, actually…I always preferred it
to “Night Before Christmas,” my brother and I would
argue back and forth.
MAGGIE. Oh. So it’s about a Christmas tree.
BOB. Well, sort of. But to me, it’s more about…survival,
maybe…no, redemption. There’s this…perfect little
tree…alone…waiting…and along comes this family…
and they take the little tree home and they put her in
a warm, safe corner with a really great view of the city.
And they give her a blanket for her feet and a star –
MAGGIE. (overlapping) It’s a she? The tree is a she?
BOB. (overlapping) Shhh, it’s a she, yes, a she, and a star for
her hair…and they gather up all the golden threads
and shiny ornaments and give them to the little tree to
hold…so then the little tree is happy…and beautiful…
and loved. And no longer alone.
MAGGIE. No longer alone?
BOB. No.
(They kiss softy.)
(They release, stare at each other a moment.)
(They kiss again as lights fade.)

End of Play